Original subtitles

THE MERMAN

Colleague Swezick asks our permission for his genetic experiment.

In order to support his...

devolution theory. All life started in the ocean.

That's were Homo sapiens started.

Even though the Bible wants us to believe it's God's creation.

Fortunately, Darwin's theory of evolution put an end to this nonsense.

Come out, young man.

However, my research focuses on the opposite process.

Show us, young man.

Funny, no? A joke by mother nature.

And tangible proof of what I call devolution.

I will take a human ovum 500 million years back in evolution.

Get the little fish. Tasty.

Come on, get it.

Get it. You can come with me.

The stretcher. -Hurry, let's go.

Careful of the alarm.

Shouldn't we check if it's really a female first?

You can tell by the moustache.

Very funny. -Sorry.

Take it easy, girl. You'll be fine.

I don't know about that.

The origin of life, gentlemen. Back to the primordial soup.

Towards the Nobel prize.

Charlatan! -Clown!

I conclude the council unanimously rejects your genetic manipulations.

What? -We won't approve your experiment.

Otherwise, this university will revoke your privileges.

Permission!

Fools!

Amateurs! -Oh, professor!

Silence!

Did you get permission? -Our experiment can start.

Look, exactly what we need.

A full moon for correct gravitation.

So this will be our surrogate mother.

She connects the elements of land and water.

A beautiful specimen. I hope she volunteered?

Ready for implantation. -Do you have the ovum?

Beautiful. Your own product?

And now our other donor. Hurry, up.

One moment, Professor.

I'm almost done.

Very good. Fresh as can be.

Careful, professor.

Pay attention.

Step by step...

we'll take the genetic code of these two human elements...

500 million years back in time.

Back to the time of the amino acids...

the heavy metals and the fish-like creatures.

Now we'll add ten granules of this ancient catalyst...

to our experiment.

There's a whole army of professors coming.

Stay calm, please!

The egg-cell! Save the experiment!

Inject it, quickly!

Let us in, right away!

Good evening, Professor. -What's happening here, colleague?

Professor!

What were we doing again?

Here's the sample for the DNA test, Professor.

Fresh as can be.

9 months later

What's that sound?

I can't hear a thing. You're imagining it.

Imagining it...

Simon!

Simon! -What?

Look what I found.

The poor fellow was in our net. -Poor fellow?

He stinks of rotting fish.

A baby from the sea.

It's a boy. -Must be a merman.

Look at his tail. Give him to me.

We'll keep him. -Throw the mongrel back.

Throw him back. He's too small anyway.

What are we going to do with that guppy?

You don't throw back fish you've caught either.

The cat loves him. -Of course she does.

He smells of rotten fish. -You're just jealous.

For the baby, Minky. Let's get him out of his little bath.

Simon... The baby's gone.

The baby's gone!

How is that possible? He was in the bath.

Little scoundrel.

What shall we call him?

My son, I'm baptising you...

Anthony Mary Pelicano.

Anthony... Mary!

We should have called him Stinky.

Doctor, you're next patient's little Stinky, I mean Tony Pelicano.

Just what I needed.

Have a seat.

Hello, Doctor.

Good news, men.

Little Tony's pungent fish smell...

it won't hurt.

And the bad news? -There's nothing we can do about it.

He'll have to learn to live with it.

That's that then. How much do we owe you?

A 100 guilders will do. I'm no loan shark.

10 years later

You're always whining.

Nature!

Look at all the nature, Timo!

So romantic.

Our bed's made up. Just for the two of us.

In that prickly grass, I bet.

All you can think of is profit. Profit, profit, profit.

And you? Well?

We were finally going to do it again today.

What do you want with that slum anyway?

One strong wind and this mess will be all gone.

I built this mess myself, 50 years ago.

It's still standing. And we've had a few storms in 50 years.

Look at this. Super apartments.

All mod cons for modern man.

Built-in kitchen, built-in equipment, microwave, it's all there.

Why don't you come out from under there?

Me? -Yes, you.

Hello.

No need to be afraid, dear. I don't bite.

I just want a light.

In the car.

One moment, it has to warm up.

Of course it has to, dear.

And every toilet has a heated seat.

And you know what we'll do?

I'll pay you 10,000 for these ruins.

Alright, make it 20,000. Just for you.

150,000, that's my last offer! -I'll warm my toilet seat myself.

Come here!

What the hell's that?

Timo, finally!

I had to put it in and when it came out...

That's how we deal with these things. -That's what you deserved.

Never harass a lady again.

Stinkbug.

Did you succeed, darling? -Just get in, woman!

I wanted to give her a light and what did I get?

A smack in the face and they called me a stinkbug.

Don't worry, son.

Nobody can stand me, except you.

We were raised on fish. We don't know any better.

Minky even loves the smell.

Minky's a cat!

People can't stand to be around me.

Especially girls.

Tony, have a bit of fish. -No.

It's good for you.

Careful of the bones. Have a sip.

Pedro!

Bye, Pedro.

Simon, a burial at sea... is that allowed?

I told the city council man that he wanted to be buried in the family grave.

Well, his father's ship went down somewhere around here.

One, two three... In God's name.

When it'll be my time, I want it the same way.

Understood?

No, Simon!

The deceased had no close relatives.

Which means the city inherits everything.

But Pedro was my father. -That's new to us.

According to our data, you don't exist. You're a so-called illegal.

Illegal, but... -You'll have to vacate the premises.

You should be happy to get off this easily.

Don't be sad. I might have a nice apartment for you.

In the city. Here.

This is the deed of sale.

Congratulations on your new property.

This is for you.

Excellent.

What do you want?

I'm looking for a place.

You're lucky, pal. Our last apartment.

Pay in advance. -Of course.

Wilma!

Sign here.

It's number 77, on the fifth floor.

Take the stairs or the elevator.

If it works, that is.

Any mail for me? -Let me see.

Only a return to sender. This fellow's moving in next to you.

If you'll show him around, I can finish my work.

I'm very busy. -Come with me.

Welcome to our building, pal!

This is it. Living room, kitchen...

bathroom, and balcony.

For some fresh air. Which you need.

Look at him. -Go help him, Gregor.

No way, he stinks.

Gregor!

Yes, mum!

Hello, beautiful.

Thanks.

Nice stuff, must be worth a lot. Make sure it doesn't get stolen.

Albert, did anybody ask about me? -Nobody ever does.

Wait a moment. Fifi and I are coming too.

Albert's such a dear. -Do you think so?

Which floor do you want? -Any floor, pick one.

What's your name? -Tony.

Tony Pelicano. -Tony...

What a beautiful name. -They also call me Stinky.

Stinky? That's also a very sweet name.

They call me Stinky because I stink.

There's something wrong with everybody.

What do you think, Fifi?

You just chop off the head and you cut open the belly.

Try it, it's easy.

Go on, then.

Sissy.

I have other work too.

First we'll fix the fin. Minky, go away!

It won't hurt.

That's better, isn't it, girl?

In a month, you'll be back in the sea.

Think about it! -Got it.

Happy with the new place, pal?

What's wrong with the water? It's the third time this week.

It's the heat. The entire city's letting their taps run.

Upstairs, you lose all your pressure.

I'm pretty fed up! -Is it happening again?

The elevator's out of order again. -Give that to me.

Thanks, -Unbelievable.

Disabling the elevator for a few days... turning off the water...

makes a nice profit after a year.

You're exactly right.

We have to watch our pennies.

Bye, Mr Babel.

Thanks. Why don't you come in?

Coffee? -Yes, please.

Come in.

You must have a good job. -I'm a student.

Does that pay this well these days? -What?

What do you do?

I've got a job in the city. I just moved here.

With the way I smell, that's already pretty good.

What's wrong with you?

The doctors don't know. They say I've got to learn to live with it.

Terrible.

I mean, someone should be able to help you.

I've given up hope.

It was nice talking to you.

Tony. -Julie.

See you.

Hello, Natasja speaking.

Here are some examples of atavistic phenomenons.

Characteristics from earlier stages of evolution...

can spontaneously make a comeback.

This can also happen with the production of certain scents.

Twenty years ago, Professor Swezick tried to...

go back up the path of Darwin's evolution.

He was trying to prove his... -devolution theory!

I have made a... -contribution, exactly, and now!

The principle was very simple.

Take a sperm cell of a healthy young lad and...

a very fresh egg-cell of a healthy young gal.

We then inserted this specimen into an appropriate surrogate mother...

from the evolutionary chain.

But then everything exploded and my brilliant experiment...

remained incomplete. See you next week.

Where's everybody going?

I'll take you home.

Minky, what...

Everything's been stolen.

The bastards!

For your new moped, son. -Great, dad, thanks.

All my things have been stolen!

Better call your insurance then.

Do you know how many bikes are stolen here every year?

One million. -And the police don't return any.

VCRs. -Car radios.

Silverware. -Silverware! Sixth floor.

You'll get all the beautiful girls with that one.

It's got an electric starter engine and ten gears.

And I earned it myself.

With what? Your job doesn't pay that well.

The boy does odd jobs for his dad.

And where does his father get the money?

It's also got a double anti-theft system, dad.

You'll need it because theft is rife these days.

Just make sure you get to your stinking plant in time.

Come with me, dad, there's enough work here today.

Need a ride?

Why not?

As long as you keep your hands to yourself.

Hi, Suzy.

They're waiting already. -You bet.

What did I say? -Was he there again?

My famous lover? Absolutely.

Last night, out of nowhere.

I bet. -Yes.

I felt how his strong arms grabbed me.

His slender hips pressed against mine.

His hot lips found their way down my neck...

Further and further... -Towards your warm little hole?

Yuck, get lost!

Just kidding, baby!

You'll never get her. -Wanna bet?

Hey, Stinky!

Holding hands in the disco and the cinema sucks.

I just want MSG. Meet, screw, go.

What do you say, Tony?

Do that again.

I don't dare to, Stinky.

But I'll do this!

Fish on the house!

Want onions with that?

Not so fast, cowboy.

Hey, asshole! -Sorry!

Keep your hands off!

Out, you! Move!

Why? -You're not wearing a tie.

Think you're funny? Didn't I warn you?

Pickled herring!

Let go off me!

Get lost! This was the last time!

Move! Rollmop.

Wilma, about my neighbour... -Yes?

You know what I want to say. -Well, he pays his rent in time.

Not everybody can say that. -But you could have warned us.

Why didn't we think of that?

Hey, Tony!

What would you like? -The best aftershave you have.

No special preference?

I'll show you something. -Ok.

This is our range.

Plenty of choice. -Alright.

Which one? -All of them.

Anything else?

I was wondering if you also sold...

A square package with...

Those things that...

that you can...

Condoms? -Yes.

Is that all? -Yes, that's it.

That's 386 guilders.

Good luck with it.

Mermaid looking for merman.

Hello, Tony speaking. Is this the mermaid?

Maybe, if you're a merman.

I think so.

You made a reservation, right, sir?

Under which name? -Merman.

Yes, a double room Mr Mereman. -Merman.

And a double bed, a bottle of champagne and two glasses.

As you wish, Mr Mereman.

Thank you. Merman.

Go inside. I'll be there soon.

Oh la la, it looks like a perfume factory.

A freak.

Close that door!

No, I can't stand it inside.

I'll go to bed with you, but does it have to be in this perfume smell?

Where's that other smell coming from?

As if there's something rotting.

Nothing's rotting here.

But I can smell it. Absolutely.

Rotten fish or something.

It's not rotten fish, it's me.

Tony Pelicano. Tony stinks.

Here, smell!

Sorry, you'd better go.

He lives here. If anyone can help you, he can.

Doctors, professors, I've tried everything. It can't be cured.

Just try it.

What have you go to lose?

Good luck, old pelican.

Not so fast, Professor. I'm here because...

I can smell it already. -No one has been able to help me.

The medication is fine. The patients are the problem.

First a little test. Put your hand there.

A precise job.

A skin sample...

Watching these skin cells... you'd almost think...

that you're a fish.

This will cure you.

Ten granules in a bath, put your head under and your problem will be solved.

And if you get any side effects, just take a cold shower.

Let's do a little test to be sure.

Stick out your tongue.

The blood test. Patented by me.

Blood test? Mediaeval brute!

Quack!

That guy's crazy!

Cultivated...

Young man!

Come back, young man!

Give me back those granules!

During a full moon, an overdose is lethal!

Yes, it works.

It really works.

Side effects...

Fantastic!

Time to turn the tables.

Hello, still at work? -Yes, the place has to look good.

I hate when they write on the walls. -They're scum!

Now we're in the dark together.

Just a short-circuit. Don't panic.

What are you doing now, Mr Albert?

Keep your hands off me!

I'm not doing anything. -Oh no?

Keep your hands off me, pervert!

I didn't even touch you!

Hey, asshole.

Hey, what's that? -I'll straighten it for you.

What? -It should be like this.

Excuse me.

Here comes. -Who did that?

Tell me with which guy you...

You won't believe me anyway.

Do I know him? -Who doesn't?

Can you keep a huge secret?

He lives in America. In Memphis.

He's divine!

Elvis Presley.

No, that's impossible.

You're crazy.

Completely crazy. -Want to dance, lady?

Sorry, Titia.

Hello, beautiful.

All alone? -Yes, and I love it, Gregor.

No, not Gregor. Here, they call me Ivan.

Ivan the Terrible.

Bullshit artist.

I guess you want to know why they call me that.

I'll tell you.

It's because I spoil women the Russian way.

First you and me drive...

Loser. -Stuck-up bitch.

There are more where you came from!

Meet, screw and go.

Great formula.

"And if you get any side effects, just take a cold shower."

It's all true.

What's that?

Great, you look like a minister.

Have a good trip, Stinky!

Great joke, very funny, Ivan!

Ivan?

Is he sick? -It's a female.

She's recovered and she's going back to the sea.

So it didn't help. -What?

What? -Bye.

Isn't that the car of the guy who used to live here?

He has no reason to be here anymore!

Don't get worked up, Timo. Mind your new heart valve.

Relax.

In the old days, we used to get fish out of the sea.

What's wrong?

The light's gone.

One moment.

Big you say? Only 1500 people on the payroll.

But that's huge.

And you're the big boss of all these people?

Isn't it very difficult, Bob?

No, you have to rule them with the whip.

Ask my wife.

Funny, funny. -What?

Have you made your choice?

Yes, the fat one with the blue eyes. -The fat one...

A good choice, sir. We just caught it today.

But maybe it's more suited for a bigger group than two.

Yes, I'll take the big one, pal. -Excellent, sir, one big one.

Come to me, little animal.

Very good, little animal.

Bloody hell.

Will this be alright?

He looks very good. -It's a female.

It's a female! -A female?

What's this? Is this a joke?

Go for a swim and be more careful.

Have a seat. You can lie in it too.

Just what we needed.

Stay down, Nero!

Why do you do this work?

When I'll have enough, I'll stop and buy my own little place.

Something on the ocean, maybe.

And dream away to the rhythm of the waves.

Is that all?

And what do you dream of, Bob?

I'll show you. What about this?

That's not what I'm here for. -Aren't you?

We'll see about that. Get rid of that chain.

Lie down!

No!

My new car, damn!

Where are you going?

Come back, I can't swim!

Damn it! Help!

Nero!

1500 people on my payroll and no one helps me!

We'll start building within a week.

It's guaranteed.

165 square metres, balcony at the back and the front.

Two bathrooms, all mod cons.

It's guaranteed. I just lost an important customer!

I almost had him!

And you... -Finally!

My turn!

I need some rest.

I'm a woman, not some real estate!

I bet the big property developer's too tired again!

What happened to romance?

What was that?

What the hell is this?

Babel Real Estate.

You asked for it, Christa. Now it's your turn.

Who is this?

Christa!

Silence!

Look, the contract has been made up.

Transfer of this house and the entire property to the rightful owner.

To me. Sign at the bottom, Babel.

But why? -Sign the bloody contract!

I'm signing.

And now get out of my house!

And don't you dare come back, Babel!

Have a good trip.

What do you want? -This is my last month in your palace.

Here's the rent. -Good.

But you have to give 12 months notice.

Didn't read the small print?

Besides, where could you go?

Natasja speaking.

Tony here. -The pelican!

I'm very sorry it didn't help.

But the professor's stuff works like a charm.

What? -Come and have a look.

Or a smell. -A smell?

Or whatever.

Are you free tonight? -Are you sure you're cured?

I wouldn't have called you otherwise.

I'm curious.

Where and when? -Can you come to my place?

Do you know where it is? Number 77.

I'll find it.

Alright, 11pm. -Ok, 11pm.

See you then.

Allo, anybody there?

Tony? -I'm here.

I'm here.

You're right. I can't smell it anymore.

Old Swezick's good, isn't he?

You bet. Turn around.

What do you think, mermaid? -I really can't smell it anymore.

Right.

Only my smell has gone, Natasja.

Have a look. -Tony?

Is that you? -Who else?

We're really all alone.

Tony? -The drug has strange side effects.

Yes, I can see that. -Are you ready?

No way, an invisible man with a visible thing!

Wait a moment. I'm paying for it!

But not enough, creep! -Natasja, please!

Come back! -No way!

Find someone else. -Ok, go then.

But at least stop the silly comedy.

Julie.

And don't forget your wig.

Invisible jerk.

Find someone else... Where? Who?

I was all ready for it.

Is anybody there?

Stop dreaming that crazy dream.

You need to see a shrink.

But it wasn't a dream.

It was absolutely... heavenly.

Hello, neighbour.

You're very cheerful. Did you sleep that well?

You bet. I didn't get any sleep at all.

Hello, neighbour.

You're beaming. Did you sleep that well?

You bet. I didn't get any sleep at all.

Come, Julie. I'm sorry about last night.

My life's complicated enough without your magic tricks.

Tricks? You're the one who introduced me to that crazy professor.

Ok, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have.

I'm really grateful. Can't we be good friends?

Good neighbours then.

Here, call me if you have a problem.

Anything.

Natasja has to go back to work.

Don't forget your trade.

Allo, Natasja speaking.

Natasja? Does that mean you're also... -The mermaid, yes.

Will it suit tonight? -Tonight?

Let me see... Yes, that's fine.

What's it going to cost? For you, 500.

500, isn't that a bit much? -We're not at the market, ch�ri.

That's the price. -Alright then.

And what's your name? -They call me Ivan.

Ivan the Terrible.

I can't make it after all, Ivan.

That sucks. What kind of mermaid are you, bitch?

You'll never know. Go and jerk off, Ivan.

It's free and it's a big relief.

As long as you keep your hands to yourself.

Since when do you fancy Gregor? I think he's a jerk.

Keep your wig on. I like black.

Blonde, black, what do I care?

Be home.

Answer.

Tony, I have a problem. -Where are you?

At the fish plant. Gregor's got me...

Julie! Say something!

No time for Ivan?

Where did Natasja get that idea?

The radio's still in there. What are we doing here?

Well...

You made us come for nothing. We'll have to report that.

Damn it! -You've let them steal the car!

Keep your hands off me!

Let's try some Ivan specials.

Free treatment for mermaids and we'll start with the tail.

Hands on the table and legs apart!

Down with that dog face!

Big boy. -What do you want?

I didn't do anything. -Correct, this is preventive.

Modern police policy. Got it?

What the hell is this? -A little game, Ivan.

This way. I'm here.

Have a look.

Here it comes!

Nice bike you've got there.

Honestly stolen? -Damn it!

You must be proud of it.

But we haven't finished, Ivan.

Watch this.

First we get the lighter.

And then we use it like this. Look.

There goes the bike.

Crime doesn't pay. It explodes.

You stole from your tenants for nothing.

Bloody hell, the stinkbug! You!

You won't get out alive!

I'm gonna chop your head off, stinkbug!

I'm going to kill you.

Asshole! Coward!

Stay here!

That was close.

Do you remember this? -Where did you get that?

I've gotten attached to it.

You saved me for the second time today.

Make a wish You can wish anything.

Stop with Natasja. Quit.

Right, no more water, Mr Babel.

And keep the elevator out of order for a couple of days.

No problem.

Ten granules in a hot bath.

Damn it!

No one home?

Look at that view.

Enjoy it.

Julie, the jar!

Here!

Bloody hell! Why do I stink?

Damn it!

That fucking elevator! It's Albert again!

We have another short-circuit, I'm afraid.

The elevator!

Albert!

I bet he's asleep again.

Tony!

Water! -Yes, but... this is water.

Water!

Tell me what to do then.

Swezick.

He's gone.

Your young man...

it can't be...

I once did a famous experiment, you know.

But it all got out of hand.

Look outside.

Moonlight's the deciding factor.

When the moon shines on my unique experiment...

the balance between evolution and devolution is disturbed.

But, Professor, where is Tony?

Finally, my process will be completed.

Nobody can deny me the Nobel prize now!

Professor! -500.000, tax-free!

Fame and all that money! Pi�a coladas on the beach!

Evolution, devolution! Revolutionary science!

First, Albert disappeared and now I don't see cute Tony anymore either.

Although I do smell something strange.

It seems to come from under the elevator.

Natasja speaking.

You mean you want to fuck me?

Tonight?

You're in a hurry?

I had more or less quit.

Where is it?

Anybody there?

Tony.

I don't smell it anymore.

It's gone. It's all gone.

That's mine.

9 months later

Evolution, devolution! Revolutionary science!

The primordial soup!

I'm disproving Darwin!

The primordial soup, the primordial soup!

In spite of all the opposition by this university...

Darwin's theory of evolution has been entirely reversed.

Colleague Evers will now demonstrate his theory of devolution.

In the past, a disastrous genetic experiment ended explosively.

Gregor, the bottle.

I'll put it in now.

Silence, this is not a childcare centre!

Where's your proof for this absurd theory?

There you are, Professor.

Colleagues, this is the hour of truth.

Here it is, gentlemen.

Indisputable, irreversible! Swezick's proof!

My merman.

It's kicking a lot.

It's almost thrashing. -I'm not surprised.

What will it be? -You mean, a boy or a girl?

What do you think? -I think it'll have a big tail.

Creep. -Why?

It's very handy.