Original subtitles

Welcome to the Daily Show, [screaming]

Welcome to the Daily Show, [screaming]

Welcome to the Daily Show, [screaming] MAN. WE GOT A BARN BOARD for here. My

MAN. WE GOT A BARN BOARD for here. My

MAN. WE GOT A BARN BOARD for here. My name is John Stewart. Great show for you

name is John Stewart. Great show for you

name is John Stewart. Great show for you tonight. Later on in this program, I'll

tonight. Later on in this program, I'll

tonight. Later on in this program, I'll be talking to CNN's chief White House

be talking to CNN's chief White House

be talking to CNN's chief White House correspondent, Caitlyn Collins. She'll

correspondent, Caitlyn Collins. She'll

correspondent, Caitlyn Collins. She'll be joining us. [cheering]

be joining us. [cheering]

be joining us. [cheering] [applause]

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] >> And we're [applause]

>> And we're [applause]

>> And we're [applause] we're going to get to the bottom of a

we're going to get to the bottom of a

we're going to get to the bottom of a crucial issue with journalism. How come

crucial issue with journalism. How come

crucial issue with journalism. How come she doesn't smile when a weird old man

she doesn't smile when a weird old man

she doesn't smile when a weird old man tells her to? [laughter]

We're going to start with the big news

We're going to start with the big news

We're going to start with the big news from the weekend. The United States and

from the weekend. The United States and

from the weekend. The United States and Iran

Iran

Iran taking a hydration break. [laughter]

taking a hydration break. [laughter]

taking a hydration break. [laughter] A welcome sessation of hostilities. The

A welcome sessation of hostilities. The

A welcome sessation of hostilities. The respit gave President Trump a chance to

respit gave President Trump a chance to

respit gave President Trump a chance to stop bombing the straight of Hormuz

stop bombing the straight of Hormuz

stop bombing the straight of Hormuz and to start bombing at the White House

and to start bombing at the White House

and to start bombing at the White House correspondence dinner. [laughter]

correspondence dinner. [laughter]

correspondence dinner. [laughter] The other day, a senator I knew got a

The other day, a senator I knew got a

The other day, a senator I knew got a text, a great guy from his wife,

text, a great guy from his wife,

text, a great guy from his wife, and she said, "When you get home, I want

and she said, "When you get home, I want

and she said, "When you get home, I want to have you immediately come up the

to have you immediately come up the

to have you immediately come up the stairs and make love to me." And he

stairs and make love to me." And he

stairs and make love to me." And he said, "I can't do both." You know what?

said, "I can't do both." You know what?

said, "I can't do both." You know what? You know, in other words, can't go up

You know, in other words, can't go up

You know, in other words, can't go up the stairs and make love. Does anybody

the stairs and make love. Does anybody

the stairs and make love. Does anybody get that? [laughter]

get that? [laughter]

get that? [laughter] You know, normally I'd say don't quit

You know, normally I'd say don't quit

You know, normally I'd say don't quit your day job, but in this case,

your day job, but in this case,

your day job, but in this case, [cheering]

[applause]

I will make

I will make

I will make I I will make an exception. [laughter]

I I will make an exception. [laughter]

I I will make an exception. [laughter] Yes, Friday night was the White House

Yes, Friday night was the White House

Yes, Friday night was the White House correspondents dinner part

correspondents dinner part

correspondents dinner part where the media elite got to hobnob with

where the media elite got to hobnob with

where the media elite got to hobnob with hobgoblins.

hobgoblins.

hobgoblins. If you remember, the first attempt ended

If you remember, the first attempt ended

If you remember, the first attempt ended prematurely by, let's say, very intense

prematurely by, let's say, very intense

prematurely by, let's say, very intense heckling. The frightening scene

heckling. The frightening scene

heckling. The frightening scene prevented the president from delivering

prevented the president from delivering

prevented the president from delivering his humorous remarks, prepared remarks,

his humorous remarks, prepared remarks,

his humorous remarks, prepared remarks, which was a shame because if there's one

which was a shame because if there's one

which was a shame because if there's one thing the President Trump is known for,

thing the President Trump is known for,

thing the President Trump is known for, it's his joyful love of mirth.

it's his joyful love of mirth.

it's his joyful love of mirth. >> We all know that he has a great sense of

>> We all know that he has a great sense of

>> We all know that he has a great sense of humor. He's going to he's going to

humor. He's going to he's going to

humor. He's going to he's going to deliver a really good speech.

deliver a really good speech.

deliver a really good speech. >> I mean, he's he's funny.

>> I mean, he's he's funny.

>> I mean, he's he's funny. >> He he is uh a hilarious entertainer.

>> He he is uh a hilarious entertainer.

>> He he is uh a hilarious entertainer. >> His comedic timing is really good. If he

>> His comedic timing is really good. If he

>> His comedic timing is really good. If he hadn't become president, he could have

hadn't become president, he could have

hadn't become president, he could have become a stand-up comedian.

become a stand-up comedian.

become a stand-up comedian. >> This guy is honestly one of the funniest

>> This guy is honestly one of the funniest

>> This guy is honestly one of the funniest presidents we've ever had.

presidents we've ever had.

presidents we've ever had. >> I think Trump's the funniest president

>> I think Trump's the funniest president

>> I think Trump's the funniest president of all time.

of all time.

of all time. >> Funny how how the is he funny?

>> Funny how how the is he funny?

>> Funny how how the is he funny? Does he amuse you? HOW THE

Does he amuse you? HOW THE

Does he amuse you? HOW THE What's soaking funny? [laughter]

No, seriously. I am asking you

No, seriously. I am asking you

No, seriously. I am asking you [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] because when I was watching him do that

because when I was watching him do that

because when I was watching him do that that one joke, he he doesn't seem very

that one joke, he he doesn't seem very

that one joke, he he doesn't seem very funny at at all. Hey, but you know what,

funny at at all. Hey, but you know what,

funny at at all. Hey, but you know what, man? Look, I've been in that situation.

man? Look, I've been in that situation.

man? Look, I've been in that situation. We all try new material. Doesn't go, you

We all try new material. Doesn't go, you

We all try new material. Doesn't go, you move on to the next one. You cannot

move on to the next one. You cannot

move on to the next one. You cannot judge Trump's whole hourong special just

judge Trump's whole hourong special just

judge Trump's whole hourong special just based on that one joke. Mr. President,

based on that one joke. Mr. President,

based on that one joke. Mr. President, what else you got? The UFC Freedom 250

what else you got? The UFC Freedom 250

what else you got? The UFC Freedom 250 fight. I'm pleased to announce that

fight. I'm pleased to announce that

fight. I'm pleased to announce that we're going to host an even bigger one

we're going to host an even bigger one

we're going to host an even bigger one right in front of the White House every

right in front of the White House every

right in front of the White House every Friday night. See, this is great. Simple

Friday night. See, this is great. Simple

Friday night. See, this is great. Simple premise, easy refillable. We're going to

premise, easy refillable. We're going to

premise, easy refillable. We're going to be hosting more fights. So, these are

be hosting more fights. So, these are

be hosting more fights. So, these are just going to be jokes about who's on

just going to be jokes about who's on

just going to be jokes about who's on the card, what the fights are going to

the card, what the fights are going to

the card, what the fights are going to be. It's simple. setup punchline

be. It's simple. setup punchline

be. It's simple. setup punchline or

or

or [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] it's every Friday night, every Saturday

it's every Friday night, every Saturday

it's every Friday night, every Saturday night, we're going to have fights in

night, we're going to have fights in

night, we're going to have fights in front of the White House. But we do have

front of the White House. But we do have

front of the White House. But we do have something coming that's and I'm only

something coming that's and I'm only

something coming that's and I'm only kidding.

kidding.

kidding. >> You know the one thing about

>> You know the one thing about

>> You know the one thing about >> But we are going to have uh Indie 500.

>> But we are going to have uh Indie 500.

>> But we are going to have uh Indie 500. Roger Pensky is coming in middle

Roger Pensky is coming in middle

Roger Pensky is coming in middle Germany, Japan, all these countries.

Germany, Japan, all these countries.

Germany, Japan, all these countries. They spend billions and billions of

They spend billions and billions of

They spend billions and billions of dollars trying to win the Indie 500 on

dollars trying to win the Indie 500 on

dollars trying to win the Indie 500 on July 4th. We were over at the mall and

July 4th. We were over at the mall and

July 4th. We were over at the mall and it was raining supposed to be really bad

it was raining supposed to be really bad

it was raining supposed to be really bad again. And we didn't do it the following

again. And we didn't do it the following

again. And we didn't do it the following day and we didn't do it two weeks later.

day and we didn't do it two weeks later.

day and we didn't do it two weeks later. We did it when we were supposed to do

We did it when we were supposed to do

We did it when we were supposed to do it. It was a fantastic uh celebration.

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] [applause]

>> You set up the premise and then you just

>> You set up the premise and then you just

>> You set up the premise and then you just walk off into the street.

>> MY BOSS IS SO CHEAP.

WELL, BEFORE I GET TO THAT,

>> it was raining.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] Guy went four minutes before introducing

Guy went four minutes before introducing

Guy went four minutes before introducing the first joke fight in his own premise.

the first joke fight in his own premise.

the first joke fight in his own premise. But I can exclusively reveal to you this

But I can exclusively reveal to you this

But I can exclusively reveal to you this evening that for the heaviest of the

evening that for the heaviest of the

evening that for the heaviest of the heavyweights, we will have sloppy Chris

heavyweights, we will have sloppy Chris

heavyweights, we will have sloppy Chris Christie, one of the sloppiest human

Christie, one of the sloppiest human

Christie, one of the sloppiest human beings you'll ever meet, fighting uh I

beings you'll ever meet, fighting uh I

beings you'll ever meet, fighting uh I would say I could mention the governor

would say I could mention the governor

would say I could mention the governor of Chicago, but I'm going to mention

of Chicago, but I'm going to mention

of Chicago, but I'm going to mention instead Jerry Nadler. What? OH MY GOD.

instead Jerry Nadler. What? OH MY GOD.

instead Jerry Nadler. What? OH MY GOD. YOU DON'T tell us you're changing THE

YOU DON'T tell us you're changing THE

YOU DON'T tell us you're changing THE TARGET OF YOUR ROAST JOKE HALFWAY

TARGET OF YOUR ROAST JOKE HALFWAY

TARGET OF YOUR ROAST JOKE HALFWAY THROUGH THE JOKE.

THROUGH THE JOKE.

THROUGH THE JOKE. WE DON'T KNOW the target. Just change

WE DON'T KNOW the target. Just change

WE DON'T KNOW the target. Just change it. Don't say, "I was going to make fun

it. Don't say, "I was going to make fun

it. Don't say, "I was going to make fun of the GOVERNOR OF ILLINOIS, BUT JERRY

of the GOVERNOR OF ILLINOIS, BUT JERRY

of the GOVERNOR OF ILLINOIS, BUT JERRY NADLER." AND by the way, are there two

NADLER." AND by the way, are there two

NADLER." AND by the way, are there two more relevant targets than Chris

more relevant targets than Chris

more relevant targets than Chris Christie and Jerry Nadler?

Christie and Jerry Nadler?

Christie and Jerry Nadler? Ooh, wait till the former governor of

Ooh, wait till the former governor of

Ooh, wait till the former governor of New Jersey and outgoing congressional

New Jersey and outgoing congressional

New Jersey and outgoing congressional district 12 representative of New York

district 12 representative of New York

district 12 representative of New York get a load of this.

get a load of this.

get a load of this. Their careers will continue to have been

Their careers will continue to have been

Their careers will continue to have been over.

over.

over. But you know, look, I don't I'm

But you know, look, I don't I'm

But you know, look, I don't I'm [laughter]

>> You know what? It the walk doesn't

>> You know what? It the walk doesn't

>> You know what? It the walk doesn't matter as much as the destination.

matter as much as the destination.

matter as much as the destination. Please land this joke.

Please land this joke.

Please land this joke. >> And they're fighting for a big piece of

>> And they're fighting for a big piece of

>> And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake. Big fat piece of cheesecake.

cheesecake. Big fat piece of cheesecake.

cheesecake. Big fat piece of cheesecake. Who the hell wrote that line?

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] >> [laughter]

>> Who? Who? Who the hell wrote that line?

>> Who? Who? Who the hell wrote that line?

>> Who? Who? Who the hell wrote that line? [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] Um, it sounds like you.

Um, it sounds like you.

Um, it sounds like you. It sounds exactly like something you

It sounds exactly like something you

It sounds exactly like something you would say. Look, this is a solid

would say. Look, this is a solid

would say. Look, this is a solid premise. Let's try this again. Here's an

premise. Let's try this again. Here's an

premise. Let's try this again. Here's an easy joke to land with this premise. Oh,

easy joke to land with this premise. Oh,

easy joke to land with this premise. Oh, and tonight, uh, I'm proud to announce

and tonight, uh, I'm proud to announce

and tonight, uh, I'm proud to announce the next upcoming fight at the White

the next upcoming fight at the White

the next upcoming fight at the White House. AOC will face off against her

House. AOC will face off against her

House. AOC will face off against her greatest enemy. A simple question about

greatest enemy. A simple question about

greatest enemy. A simple question about foreign policy. See, it's simple.

foreign policy. See, it's simple.

foreign policy. See, it's simple. Give give that joke Give that joke a go.

Give give that joke Give that joke a go.

Give give that joke Give that joke a go. >> And then you have a congresswoman

>> And then you have a congresswoman

>> And then you have a congresswoman Alexandria Okasio Cortez AOC plus three.

Alexandria Okasio Cortez AOC plus three.

Alexandria Okasio Cortez AOC plus three. That's your three friends, right?

That's your three friends, right?

That's your three friends, right? >> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay. >> AOC plus3. And I watched her give that

>> AOC plus3. And I watched her give that

>> AOC plus3. And I watched her give that answer when she was over in Europe. It

answer when she was over in Europe. It

answer when she was over in Europe. It was not a good answer. If I ever gave

was not a good answer. If I ever gave

was not a good answer. If I ever gave that answer, I would be out of politics.

that answer, I would be out of politics.

that answer, I would be out of politics. >> You don't have to talk about what you

>> You don't have to talk about what you

>> You don't have to talk about what you were You cannot have a 19 second wait

were You cannot have a 19 second wait

were You cannot have a 19 second wait time to

time to

time to >> answering

>> answering

>> answering do the joke.

do the joke.

do the joke. >> Simple question,

>> Simple question,

>> Simple question, >> but we'll then have a rematch against an

>> but we'll then have a rematch against an

>> but we'll then have a rematch against an extreme simple question on a foreign

extreme simple question on a foreign

extreme simple question on a foreign policy.

policy.

policy. >> NOBODY KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING NOW.

>> NOBODY KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING NOW.

>> NOBODY KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING NOW. >> SECURITY CONFERENCE. IT WAS a big

>> SECURITY CONFERENCE. IT WAS a big

>> SECURITY CONFERENCE. IT WAS a big security conference and this was a FIRST

security conference and this was a FIRST

security conference and this was a FIRST TIME UP.

TIME UP.

TIME UP. >> NO,

>> NO,

>> NO, >> in terms of that and uh

>> in terms of that and uh

>> in terms of that and uh >> you DON'T DO JOKES LIKE YOU'RE READING

>> you DON'T DO JOKES LIKE YOU'RE READING

>> you DON'T DO JOKES LIKE YOU'RE READING them for the first time. [laughter]

GOD,

GOD,

GOD, [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] >> he's putting 10 lbs of roast jokes into

>> he's putting 10 lbs of roast jokes into

>> he's putting 10 lbs of roast jokes into a 5B bag. It doesn't work this way.

a 5B bag. It doesn't work this way.

a 5B bag. It doesn't work this way. There are rules to these things. Look,

There are rules to these things. Look,

There are rules to these things. Look, let's just Obviously, the more complex

let's just Obviously, the more complex

let's just Obviously, the more complex jokes you're not going to be able to

jokes you're not going to be able to

jokes you're not going to be able to handle. Let's just stick to simple

handle. Let's just stick to simple

handle. Let's just stick to simple burns. Simple burns. You can't that up.

burns. Simple burns. You can't that up.

burns. Simple burns. You can't that up. Look, here we go. Here's what I'll do

Look, here we go. Here's what I'll do

Look, here we go. Here's what I'll do for you. I'll bring out a ri here here's

for you. I'll bring out a ri here here's

for you. I'll bring out a ri here here's what we're going to do. Here's I'm going

what we're going to do. Here's I'm going

what we're going to do. Here's I'm going to help you along. Ready? That's what

to help you along. Ready? That's what

to help you along. Ready? That's what we're going to do. All right. Here's

we're going to do. All right. Here's

we're going to do. All right. Here's what [cheering] we're going to do. We

what [cheering] we're going to do. We

what [cheering] we're going to do. We got the rim shot. We're going to do

got the rim shot. We're going to do

got the rim shot. We're going to do simple burns. You can't these up with

simple burns. You can't these up with

simple burns. You can't these up with your little wandering off weaves. Go.

your little wandering off weaves. Go.

your little wandering off weaves. Go. >> So, they thought about going with a

>> So, they thought about going with a

>> So, they thought about going with a professional clown for entertainment,

professional clown for entertainment,

professional clown for entertainment, but Adam Shifty Schiff was not

but Adam Shifty Schiff was not

but Adam Shifty Schiff was not available. You know, he's known I called

available. You know, he's known I called

available. You know, he's known I called him I I hate some people. You know, I

him I I hate some people. You know, I

him I I hate some people. You know, I shouldn't say this. I'm president. I'm

shouldn't say this. I'm president. I'm

shouldn't say this. I'm president. I'm not supposed to hate. I'm supposed to

not supposed to hate. I'm supposed to

not supposed to hate. I'm supposed to love everybody. But he's a terrible

love everybody. But he's a terrible

love everybody. But he's a terrible person. He's a liar.

>> [laughter]

[applause and cheering]

[applause]

>> Traditionally, Rose's work because at

>> Traditionally, Rose's work because at

>> Traditionally, Rose's work because at the heart of it all, you only roast the

the heart of it all, you only roast the

the heart of it all, you only roast the ones you love. Saying you hate someone

ones you love. Saying you hate someone

ones you love. Saying you hate someone in the middle of the joke really takes a

in the middle of the joke really takes a

in the middle of the joke really takes a lot of the pleasure.

lot of the pleasure.

lot of the pleasure. Don Rickles might not have been the

Don Rickles might not have been the

Don Rickles might not have been the sensation he was, might not have been so

sensation he was, might not have been so

sensation he was, might not have been so beloved if he ended his act with, "No,

beloved if he ended his act with, "No,

beloved if he ended his act with, "No, seriously, the Japanese. [laughter]

I don't like them as people.

I don't like them as people.

I don't like them as people. [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] Try again. And I called him watermelon

Try again. And I called him watermelon

Try again. And I called him watermelon head because he has the largest head

head because he has the largest head

head because he has the largest head I've ever seen with the smallest neck.

I've ever seen with the smallest neck.

I've ever seen with the smallest neck. Pencil neck. How does that big fat ugly

Pencil neck. How does that big fat ugly

Pencil neck. How does that big fat ugly head stand on a on a little pencil

head stand on a on a little pencil

head stand on a on a little pencil pencil pencil neck?

Okay, there's there's probably something

Okay, there's there's probably something

Okay, there's there's probably something in there. But you might not be the

in there. But you might not be the

in there. But you might not be the perfect messenger to deliver a roast

perfect messenger to deliver a roast

perfect messenger to deliver a roast about someone's big fat ugly head.

about someone's big fat ugly head.

about someone's big fat ugly head. [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] It's another rule of roasting.

It's another rule of roasting.

It's another rule of roasting. [applause]

[applause]

[applause] It's just a different

very tough to land solid jokes about

very tough to land solid jokes about

very tough to land solid jokes about something you yourself clearly suffer

something you yourself clearly suffer

something you yourself clearly suffer from. Although admittedly, your big fat

from. Although admittedly, your big fat

from. Although admittedly, your big fat ugly head sits on what appears to be not

ugly head sits on what appears to be not

ugly head sits on what appears to be not a pencil, but a big fat ugly neck. So

a pencil, but a big fat ugly neck. So

a pencil, but a big fat ugly neck. So maybe the joke is a proportion issue.

maybe the joke is a proportion issue.

maybe the joke is a proportion issue. Hard to point out the pencil neck when

Hard to point out the pencil neck when

Hard to point out the pencil neck when your mug sits on what looks like a

your mug sits on what looks like a

your mug sits on what looks like a rhinoceros's vagina.

rhinoceros's vagina.

rhinoceros's vagina. [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] [applause]

It's a rental.

It's a rental.

It's a rental. Honestly, the only funny part of the

Honestly, the only funny part of the

Honestly, the only funny part of the jokes was watching the crowd's

jokes was watching the crowd's

jokes was watching the crowd's reactions. It was a malange of

reactions. It was a malange of

reactions. It was a malange of confusion, boredom, shock, and at one

confusion, boredom, shock, and at one

confusion, boredom, shock, and at one point, a literal existential crisis.

point, a literal existential crisis.

point, a literal existential crisis. An existential Here's the one thing you

An existential Here's the one thing you

An existential Here's the one thing you never WANT FROM YOUR AUDIENCE AT A

never WANT FROM YOUR AUDIENCE AT A

never WANT FROM YOUR AUDIENCE AT A COMEDY SHOW. YOU NEVER WANT THE AUDIENCE

COMEDY SHOW. YOU NEVER WANT THE AUDIENCE

COMEDY SHOW. YOU NEVER WANT THE AUDIENCE AT YOUR COMEDY SHOW to clearly be

AT YOUR COMEDY SHOW to clearly be

AT YOUR COMEDY SHOW to clearly be rethinking the choices that led them to

rethinking the choices that led them to

rethinking the choices that led them to that night.

Why? Why did I go to grad school?

Why? Why did I go to grad school?

Why? Why did I go to grad school? The audience was so distraught and

The audience was so distraught and

The audience was so distraught and perplexed that at times it was difficult

perplexed that at times it was difficult

perplexed that at times it was difficult to discern whether you were watching

to discern whether you were watching

to discern whether you were watching their reactions to Trump bombing at this

their reactions to Trump bombing at this

their reactions to Trump bombing at this dinner or their reactions to a gunman

dinner or their reactions to a gunman

dinner or their reactions to a gunman interrupting the last one.

interrupting the last one.

interrupting the last one. Which brings us to the hottest game show

Which brings us to the hottest game show

Which brings us to the hottest game show of the summer season.

of the summer season.

of the summer season. Shooting or bombing.

Shooting or bombing.

Shooting or bombing. Number one,

Number one,

Number one, milling about, some smiling, some are

milling about, some smiling, some are

milling about, some smiling, some are filming, a general sense of that's a

filming, a general sense of that's a

filming, a general sense of that's a good mix of smoo, humor, a hint of

good mix of smoo, humor, a hint of

good mix of smoo, humor, a hint of concern or confusion. The correct

concern or confusion. The correct

concern or confusion. The correct answer,

answer,

answer, SHOOTING AFTERMATH. That was after the

SHOOTING AFTERMATH. That was after the

SHOOTING AFTERMATH. That was after the shooting aftermath. Let's go to number

shooting aftermath. Let's go to number

shooting aftermath. Let's go to number two. H sadness and shock.

two. H sadness and shock.

two. H sadness and shock. What happened? How could this have

What happened? How could this have

What happened? How could this have happened? [laughter]

happened? [laughter]

happened? [laughter] The correct answer.

The correct answer.

The correct answer. BOMBING.

BOMBING.

BOMBING. >> This [applause]

>> This [applause]

>> This [applause] This dude, that's the face he made while

This dude, that's the face he made while

This dude, that's the face he made while Trump was telling jokes. Look at his

Trump was telling jokes. Look at his

Trump was telling jokes. Look at his face. He's literally like, "Is anyone

face. He's literally like, "Is anyone

face. He's literally like, "Is anyone going to stop this mad man? People are

going to stop this mad man? People are

going to stop this mad man? People are going to get hurt."

going to get hurt."

going to get hurt." >> Here's the next one.

>> Here's the next one.

>> Here's the next one. >> Let's see. Okay. What is that? Is that

>> Let's see. Okay. What is that? Is that

>> Let's see. Okay. What is that? Is that the shooting or the bombing?

the shooting or the bombing?

the shooting or the bombing? Okay. All right. I obviously that was

Okay. All right. I obviously that was

Okay. All right. I obviously that was after the shooting. I knew you would get

after the shooting. I knew you would get

after the shooting. I knew you would get it it pretty easy. I just wanted to

it it pretty easy. I just wanted to

it it pretty easy. I just wanted to remind everybody that the night of the

remind everybody that the night of the

remind everybody that the night of the shooting RFK Jr. left his wife to fend

shooting RFK Jr. left his wife to fend

shooting RFK Jr. left his wife to fend for a summer. [cheering]

for a summer. [cheering]

for a summer. [cheering] So,

[applause]

[applause]

[applause] there was no trick to it. I just thought

there was no trick to it. I just thought

there was no trick to it. I just thought that was like the most up thing

that was like the most up thing

that was like the most up thing I'd ever seen in my life.

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Only room for one in the limo.

>> Only room for one in the limo.

>> Only room for one in the limo. >> Here's another quick roast rule. Try not

>> Here's another quick roast rule. Try not

>> Here's another quick roast rule. Try not to build a whole routine around a

to build a whole routine around a

to build a whole routine around a premise that's no longer operable.

premise that's no longer operable.

premise that's no longer operable. >> You can't have somebody like a JB

>> You can't have somebody like a JB

>> You can't have somebody like a JB Pritsker who I understand is not present

Pritsker who I understand is not present

Pritsker who I understand is not present sadly, but uh you know some people say

sadly, but uh you know some people say

sadly, but uh you know some people say never use the fat word and I don't. I

never use the fat word and I don't. I

never use the fat word and I don't. I would never call anybody fat. I have my

would never call anybody fat. I have my

would never call anybody fat. I have my own problems. You know, it's not like

own problems. You know, it's not like

own problems. You know, it's not like I'm perfect.

I'm perfect.

I'm perfect. Sir, in the back, don't call him a fat

Sir, in the back, don't call him a fat

Sir, in the back, don't call him a fat pig. Okay? You can't call JB Pritskar a

pig. Okay? You can't call JB Pritskar a

pig. Okay? You can't call JB Pritskar a fat pig, please. Actually, he's lost a

fat pig, please. Actually, he's lost a

fat pig, please. Actually, he's lost a lot of weight. I saw him recently. He

lot of weight. I saw him recently. He

lot of weight. I saw him recently. He lost quite a bit of weight. [laughter]

Then why did you bring it out?

Your mother's so fat.

Your mother's so fat.

Your mother's so fat. Although now obviously she's on the

Although now obviously she's on the

Although now obviously she's on the GLP1s and uh I mean she does if I'm

GLP1s and uh I mean she does if I'm

GLP1s and uh I mean she does if I'm being honest looks fantastic. I mean

being honest looks fantastic. I mean

being honest looks fantastic. I mean here's what years ago when she sat

here's what years ago when she sat

here's what years ago when she sat around the HOUSE SHE REALLY SAT although

around the HOUSE SHE REALLY SAT although

around the HOUSE SHE REALLY SAT although I can't say that now. She looks I mean

I can't say that now. She looks I mean

I can't say that now. She looks I mean 50. The point is this. YOUR MOTHER WAS

50. The point is this. YOUR MOTHER WAS

50. The point is this. YOUR MOTHER WAS WAS SO FAT. I'm glad she got the help

WAS SO FAT. I'm glad she got the help

WAS SO FAT. I'm glad she got the help she needed here. LISTEN THE HEALTH

she needed here. LISTEN THE HEALTH

she needed here. LISTEN THE HEALTH BENEFIT. God willing, she lives to see

BENEFIT. God willing, she lives to see

BENEFIT. God willing, she lives to see those beautiful grandchildren walking. I

those beautiful grandchildren walking. I

those beautiful grandchildren walking. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

The deeper problem for Trump is that

The deeper problem for Trump is that

The deeper problem for Trump is that last weekend revealed he has lived so

last weekend revealed he has lived so

last weekend revealed he has lived so long in a magical world of his own

long in a magical world of his own

long in a magical world of his own creation. curated for his comfort and

creation. curated for his comfort and

creation. curated for his comfort and positive reinforcement. He's the

positive reinforcement. He's the

positive reinforcement. He's the ultimate snowflake rewarded with

ultimate snowflake rewarded with

ultimate snowflake rewarded with unearned participation trophy laughs

unearned participation trophy laughs

unearned participation trophy laughs that he doesn't even know what's

that he doesn't even know what's

that he doesn't even know what's actually funny because everything he

actually funny because everything he

actually funny because everything he says is funny in his Truman show of an

says is funny in his Truman show of an

says is funny in his Truman show of an administration.

administration.

administration. >> I don't know if I can handle looking 20

>> I don't know if I can handle looking 20

>> I don't know if I can handle looking 20 pounds heavier. [laughter]

pounds heavier. [laughter]

pounds heavier. [laughter] >> Boy, you said the right thing.

>> Boy, you said the right thing.

>> Boy, you said the right thing. >> That would have been the end of Crook.

>> That would have been the end of Crook.

>> That would have been the end of Crook. Good steel, right? As opposed to green

Good steel, right? As opposed to green

Good steel, right? As opposed to green paperiermâché.

paperiermâché.

paperiermâché. [laughter]

They do treat me well. Sharpie.

They do treat me well. Sharpie.

They do treat me well. Sharpie. [laughter]

But of course, the night demonstrated

But of course, the night demonstrated

But of course, the night demonstrated another hard truth about Donald Trump's

another hard truth about Donald Trump's

another hard truth about Donald Trump's administration. that whenever his warm

administration. that whenever his warm

administration. that whenever his warm front of fantasy collides with the cold

front of fantasy collides with the cold

front of fantasy collides with the cold front of reality, there's no one to

front of reality, there's no one to

front of reality, there's no one to blame but everyone else. And they're

blame but everyone else. And they're

blame but everyone else. And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake.

fighting for a big piece of cheesecake.

fighting for a big piece of cheesecake. Big fat piece of cheesecake. Who the

Big fat piece of cheesecake. Who the

Big fat piece of cheesecake. Who the hell wrote that line? She wasn't high up

hell wrote that line? She wasn't high up

hell wrote that line? She wasn't high up on her totem pole. Who the hell wrote

on her totem pole. Who the hell wrote

on her totem pole. Who the hell wrote that? That was actually the only thing I

that? That was actually the only thing I

that? That was actually the only thing I thought was good in this whole freaking

thought was good in this whole freaking

thought was good in this whole freaking stupid speech that they wrote.

stupid speech that they wrote.

stupid speech that they wrote. >> That was the only good one. And that

>> That was the only good one. And that

>> That was the only good one. And that went down with not exactly great

went down with not exactly great

went down with not exactly great laughter. Well,

laughter. Well,

laughter. Well, >> you know what they say.

>> you know what they say.

>> you know what they say. A great carpenter always blames his

A great carpenter always blames his

A great carpenter always blames his tools

tools

tools and Donald Trump is surrounded by tools.

and Donald Trump is surrounded by tools.

and Donald Trump is surrounded by tools. >> But no matter how he's writers,

>> But no matter how he's writers,

>> But no matter how he's writers, [applause]

[cheering]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> but no matter how his writers let him

>> but no matter how his writers let him

>> but no matter how his writers let him down, boy, Trump just kept digging.

down, boy, Trump just kept digging.

down, boy, Trump just kept digging. tried to make a simple joke about

tried to make a simple joke about

tried to make a simple joke about Caitlyn Collins, but unfortunately

Caitlyn Collins, but unfortunately

Caitlyn Collins, but unfortunately triggered himself in the process,

triggered himself in the process,

triggered himself in the process, turning the entire event into a

turning the entire event into a

turning the entire event into a festivist grievance miracle. But I want

festivist grievance miracle. But I want

festivist grievance miracle. But I want to personally congratulate CNN's Caitlyn

to personally congratulate CNN's Caitlyn

to personally congratulate CNN's Caitlyn Collins

Collins

Collins on receiving her award. It was all about

on receiving her award. It was all about

on receiving her award. It was all about me. It's a fake. She shouldn't get the

me. It's a fake. She shouldn't get the

me. It's a fake. She shouldn't get the award. It was a fake. But I didn't mind.

award. It was a fake. But I didn't mind.

award. It was a fake. But I didn't mind. I said, "Caitlyn, congratulations."

I said, "Caitlyn, congratulations."

I said, "Caitlyn, congratulations." But it was fake. There's no question

But it was fake. There's no question

But it was fake. There's no question about it. But she's a young, attractive

about it. But she's a young, attractive

about it. But she's a young, attractive woman. And she never smiles. I said,

woman. And she never smiles. I said,

woman. And she never smiles. I said, "Caitlyn, do you have a smile?" "Smile.

"Caitlyn, do you have a smile?" "Smile.

"Caitlyn, do you have a smile?" "Smile. You have a nice position. You're at CNN

You have a nice position. You're at CNN

You have a nice position. You're at CNN fake news. You should be a happy person.

fake news. You should be a happy person.

fake news. You should be a happy person. So smile, Caitlyn. Just smile."

So smile, Caitlyn. Just smile."

So smile, Caitlyn. Just smile." >> My favorite thing of that is Wolf

>> My favorite thing of that is Wolf

>> My favorite thing of that is Wolf Blitzer kept looking over like, "You

Blitzer kept looking over like, "You

Blitzer kept looking over like, "You want me up? I'll go him up. You want me

want me up? I'll go him up. You want me

want me up? I'll go him up. You want me to get a piece of pizza? I'll go right

to get a piece of pizza? I'll go right

to get a piece of pizza? I'll go right up there. I'll slam on." [applause]

>> Oh, Will Smith. That mother. You want me

>> Oh, Will Smith. That mother. You want me

>> Oh, Will Smith. That mother. You want me to do one though?

to do one though?

to do one though? KEEP CAITLYN COLLINS NAME.

LOOK, this was a bad night. Don't take

LOOK, this was a bad night. Don't take

LOOK, this was a bad night. Don't take my word for it. Even Trump's cadre of

my word for it. Even Trump's cadre of

my word for it. Even Trump's cadre of media fanboys and girls had to admit it.

media fanboys and girls had to admit it.

media fanboys and girls had to admit it. >> I've seen him be very funny. Uh, and so

>> I've seen him be very funny. Uh, and so

>> I've seen him be very funny. Uh, and so I think he could have been a lot

I think he could have been a lot

I think he could have been a lot funnier.

funnier.

funnier. >> I think it's a missed opportunity. It

>> I think it's a missed opportunity. It

>> I think it's a missed opportunity. It really had no positive no positive

really had no positive no positive

really had no positive no positive effect on anybody, including him. Yeah,

effect on anybody, including him. Yeah,

effect on anybody, including him. Yeah, I think it could have been a lot shorter

I think it could have been a lot shorter

I think it could have been a lot shorter and it could have been punchier.

and it could have been punchier.

and it could have been punchier. >> Some of the jokes veered off into very

>> Some of the jokes veered off into very

>> Some of the jokes veered off into very uh sort of orary insults.

uh sort of orary insults.

uh sort of orary insults. >> Uh and that's not going to land for many

>> Uh and that's not going to land for many

>> Uh and that's not going to land for many audiences.

audiences.

audiences. >> That guy couldn't polish this turd.

>> That guy couldn't polish this turd.

>> That guy couldn't polish this turd. That guy who spends his days bending

That guy who spends his days bending

That guy who spends his days bending over backwards to figure out how to tell

over backwards to figure out how to tell

over backwards to figure out how to tell you that the war in Iran is goo.

you that the war in Iran is goo.

you that the war in Iran is goo. Even he's like, I can't put lipstick on

Even he's like, I can't put lipstick on

Even he's like, I can't put lipstick on this mother.

this mother.

this mother. Look, beyond the fact that Trump was

Look, beyond the fact that Trump was

Look, beyond the fact that Trump was terrible, the dinner should not have

terrible, the dinner should not have

terrible, the dinner should not have happened at all. In fact, it shouldn't

happened at all. In fact, it shouldn't

happened at all. In fact, it shouldn't ever happen. Quite frankly,

ever happen. Quite frankly,

ever happen. Quite frankly, memorializing the collegial and cozy

memorializing the collegial and cozy

memorializing the collegial and cozy relationship between the press and those

relationship between the press and those

relationship between the press and those that they cover is at best a very bad

that they cover is at best a very bad

that they cover is at best a very bad look in normal times. I don't need to

look in normal times. I don't need to

look in normal times. I don't need to see the cops and robbers getting along

see the cops and robbers getting along

see the cops and robbers getting along at a banquet honoring our penal code.

at a banquet honoring our penal code.

at a banquet honoring our penal code. You can celebrate the First Amendment

You can celebrate the First Amendment

You can celebrate the First Amendment without asking your opponent in that

without asking your opponent in that

without asking your opponent in that fight what he thinks. You already know

fight what he thinks. You already know

fight what he thinks. You already know what he thinks.

what he thinks.

what he thinks. >> We are a nation that no longer has a

>> We are a nation that no longer has a

>> We are a nation that no longer has a free and fair press. Fake news is all

free and fair press. Fake news is all

free and fair press. Fake news is all you get.

you get.

you get. >> Fake news. Fake reporting is what's

>> Fake news. Fake reporting is what's

>> Fake news. Fake reporting is what's tearing this country apart.

tearing this country apart.

tearing this country apart. >> These corrupt press. They're corrupt.

>> These corrupt press. They're corrupt.

>> These corrupt press. They're corrupt. >> Crooked, dishonest media. Just horrible

>> Crooked, dishonest media. Just horrible

>> Crooked, dishonest media. Just horrible people. These are horrible people. Sick

people. These are horrible people. Sick

people. These are horrible people. Sick and evil people. Real scum. Real

and evil people. Real scum. Real

and evil people. Real scum. Real dishonest people. They're so bad for the

dishonest people. They're so bad for the

dishonest people. They're so bad for the country. It's almost treasonous. I have

country. It's almost treasonous. I have

country. It's almost treasonous. I have to be honest. It's almost treasonous.

to be honest. It's almost treasonous.

to be honest. It's almost treasonous. And they are truly the enemy of the

And they are truly the enemy of the

And they are truly the enemy of the people. Who wants dessert? [laughter]

people. Who wants dessert? [laughter]

people. Who wants dessert? [laughter] I'll fight you for the last piece of

I'll fight you for the last piece of

I'll fight you for the last piece of cheesecake. Look, as much as I enjoyed

cheesecake. Look, as much as I enjoyed

cheesecake. Look, as much as I enjoyed Donald Trump having to squirm through

Donald Trump having to squirm through

Donald Trump having to squirm through Wolf Blitzer describing in vivid detail

Wolf Blitzer describing in vivid detail

Wolf Blitzer describing in vivid detail why the Wall Street Journal won a

why the Wall Street Journal won a

why the Wall Street Journal won a reporting award, it was the end of that

reporting award, it was the end of that

reporting award, it was the end of that tour to force that demonstrated perverse

tour to force that demonstrated perverse

tour to force that demonstrated perverse bargain the entire night encapsulated.

bargain the entire night encapsulated.

bargain the entire night encapsulated. The Journal's courageous reporting on

The Journal's courageous reporting on

The Journal's courageous reporting on President Trump's past relationship with

President Trump's past relationship with

President Trump's past relationship with financeier Jeffrey Epstein triggered the

financeier Jeffrey Epstein triggered the

financeier Jeffrey Epstein triggered the release of the so-called Epstein files.

release of the so-called Epstein files.

release of the so-called Epstein files. Thousands of documents that might

Thousands of documents that might

Thousands of documents that might otherwise have remained hidden from the

otherwise have remained hidden from the

otherwise have remained hidden from the public. And despite the president's

public. And despite the president's

public. And despite the president's threat of a lawsuit, the Journal

threat of a lawsuit, the Journal

threat of a lawsuit, the Journal published a story about a provocative

published a story about a provocative

published a story about a provocative letter to Epstein bearing President

letter to Epstein bearing President

letter to Epstein bearing President Trump's signature.

Trump's signature.

Trump's signature. >> I love that he had to sit through that.

>> I love that he had to sit through that.

>> I love that he had to sit through that. Wolf should have just kept going. I

Wolf should have just kept going. I

Wolf should have just kept going. I mean, you should have seen the they

mean, you should have seen the they

mean, you should have seen the they didn't release. I mean, this guy knows

didn't release. I mean, this guy knows

didn't release. I mean, this guy knows what I'm talking about.

what I'm talking about.

what I'm talking about. But it was the next moment that for me

But it was the next moment that for me

But it was the next moment that for me solidified that this event is worse than

solidified that this event is worse than

solidified that this event is worse than pro-forma. It's actually an act of

pro-forma. It's actually an act of

pro-forma. It's actually an act of submission.

submission.

submission. >> Trump quickly filed a 20 billion lawsuit

>> Trump quickly filed a 20 billion lawsuit

>> Trump quickly filed a 20 billion lawsuit against the journal, revealing reporter

against the journal, revealing reporter

against the journal, revealing reporter Kadija Softar's home address. [applause]

Kadija Softar's home address. [applause]

Kadija Softar's home address. [applause] Her family had to be relocated.

>> I'm a little stinker. She wrote an

>> I'm a little stinker. She wrote an

>> I'm a little stinker. She wrote an objectively true story about my depraved

objectively true story about my depraved

objectively true story about my depraved relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and I

relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and I

relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and I I got her life threatened. Did I do

I got her life threatened. Did I do

I got her life threatened. Did I do that? [screaming]

that? [screaming]

that? [screaming] I mean, you'd think you'd all be mad at

I mean, you'd think you'd all be mad at

I mean, you'd think you'd all be mad at him, but they're all in there just

him, but they're all in there just

him, but they're all in there just schnicking it up. So, he just gets to

schnicking it up. So, he just gets to

schnicking it up. So, he just gets to shake hands with the leaders of a

shake hands with the leaders of a

shake hands with the leaders of a profession. with the leaders of a

profession. with the leaders of a

profession. with the leaders of a profession whose members he has

profession whose members he has

profession whose members he has subpoenaed, arrested, sued, cut their

subpoenaed, arrested, sued, cut their

subpoenaed, arrested, sued, cut their funding, threatened their licenses,

funding, threatened their licenses,

funding, threatened their licenses, barred their access, and even hading

barred their access, and even hading

barred their access, and even hading deported. And the sad truth is, if Trump

deported. And the sad truth is, if Trump

deported. And the sad truth is, if Trump had known he could win an award for that

had known he could win an award for that

had known he could win an award for that Epstein story,

Epstein story,

Epstein story, well, he'd have told them about the

well, he'd have told them about the

well, he'd have told them about the Epstein files himself.