Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Ken Thompson, and I'm not going to beg you to vote for me this Thursday.

Because this Thursday, you are going to make a choice.

You're going to choose the candidate who cares about what you care about.

Family. The future.

Cycle length.

And hope.

So this Thursday, please, please, choose me.

Candles.

Okay, peasants, let's chew up here. Chew.

Hi, sweetheart.

Come meet your lived-in candidate.

Oh, yes. Hello, nice to meet you.

Who will you be voting for on Thursday?

Oh, I always vote for the handsomest candidates.

What about a little kiss?

Oh. Why not?

Jesus Christ.

That's a lovely kiss.

Make sure you remember to vote now.

Hello, everyone.

Just handshakes. Oh, look at Kenny.

He's a born politician, and it's thanks to me.

You're a guardian angel to that strange family.

Yeah, I am the best thing that ever happened to them.

Look, it's the news people.

Nice to meet you. How are you? Hello.

We're just going to mic you up. OK, yeah.

You cool?

Cool as ice.

So, let's get going.

OK. I'm here with the local Lib Dem candidate, Ken Thompson.

Howdy. Howdy.

Fat man!

Fat man! He's a really fat man! So, everyone's talking about the radio

debate on Thursday. Fat man! The Conservative candidate has got a

fearsome reputation.

Bring it on, is what I say. Fat man! Fat man!

She's being naughty.

So, Ken, one of the subjects which I know is very close to your heart is

cycle lanes.

At the Liberal Democrats, we are passionate about cycle lanes, but we are

passionate about the causes of cycle lanes.

Mate, I'm so sorry.

I'm just trying to focus here, so could you... How dare you tell me how to

parent my child? He's expressing himself, aren't you, Whippers?

Shut up, Dan. He's a fat man!

Fat man!

Do you know what? I think we should probably leave it.

I'm going to do this another time when there's not so much lovely expressing

going on, all right? Shall we leave it there?

What's your problem, Sammy?

Well, thank you. No, look.

Don't come there. It's just... That's quite difficult for me.

Horrible. He was, wasn't he?

Dobby little wanker.

Wanker. Oh, God. I love English slang.

Dobby little wanker. Say another one.

Grating little dipshit.

Right? Yes! Tiny bollockhead. Have you got that one? Oh, bollockhead.

Miniature arsehole.

Oppity little bellend.

Mewling waddock.

That was subpar. You're just trying too hard. Okay.

The FBI suspect he may have entered the United Kingdom.

Okay, so just to confirm, a couple of points on our marital contract.

When we go out in public, we cannot hold hands?

No. Okay.

Occasional bottom touching?

Out of the question. Sure.

I can't wait till we get married.

I just want to revisit the sexual intercourse thing.

I believe we talked about that before. And the amount we agreed on was none.

If you want a semi-erotic SMS, I'm not opposed to you borrowing my phone

and responding to yourself.

Finally, compromise.

And now for the local news in your area. Hush, T. Hush. The news.

They might mention Ken.

candidate Ken Thompson made a large boo-boo today when he failed to remove

his microphone after an interview.

Oh, gosh.

My brother needs me.

Lorna!

No comment! No comment!

Ken, you must try not to feel too bad about this, but what you did was

incredibly stupid and it probably will lose you the election.

I've still got the radio debate.

Can you still turn this round?

What do you think?

They're saying some pretty nasty things about you. People on Twitter are so

inventive.

That's really great.

I say we double down.

Stigmatising. Make that... Seven-year-old child, a hated enemy.

Your people can rally behind.

I mean, instinct says that will probably backfire, right?

Yeah. Kenny, that's your problem. It's too soft.

OK, so, the radio debate.

Now, this is basically your last chance to turn things around, right? So you've

got to be brilliant. As brilliant as Martin Luther King and 2010 Nick Clegg

combined.

I'm not sure about that, Nina. It's not going to happen, is it? No. That's

tricky. Come on, guys.

King can do this.

How about I get you a presentation guru?

Someone that can help you speak and stand.

Get you out of this mess.

Yeah. That's the spirit.

Right, people?

Yeah. You can do this.

I can do this.

That's it. I'll get it.

Hey, princess.

What? Are you a sight for sore eyes?

No e-mails, no phone calls. Where have you been? Running, baby.

Goa, Sharm el Sheikh, Benidorm. No beach resorts. Three-star hotels.

Okay, I get it. You suffered, too. And with the FBI after me. What are you

doing here? You know I've got us a divorce.

That's a shame, because I found you the perfect house, baby.

Dhaka, north of Moscow.

mountain views, five swimming pools. Oh, it does sound cute, I guess.

Honey, I want you back.

Come home.

I can't, Ron.

I've made a life here. In this squalor, you can't be serious.

Kenny's family.

And we have fun.

You are Ivy Middlefart.

Those nails are a mess, those clothes are six months old, and I think I can

see a little gray.

You...

Who's your friend?

Oh, this is, um... Bernard Bigglesworth Knight.

Yes, Bernard.

Oh,

it's a presentation guru. Bernard is the presentation guru.

Yes, that's me.

Hi. You only said you were going to hire him 20 seconds ago.

I planned ahead.

Ah, good thinking, Ivy.

Bernard, I mean, thanks so much for doing this. I've got to say, I... I

think I reckon... Back in the old days when I worked with Barack, that's Barack

Obama, I was famous for prepping candidates for their public appearances.

So you probably recognize me from that.

Now, I will shout instructions.

Some of them may seem a little strange, but they're definitely important.

So, Ken, I want you to talk about something close to your heart.

Cycle lanes. If you like.

Wonderful. Okay.

Cycle lanes.

Well... Stop.

Go twice as fast.

In Litchfield, at the moment, we only have so many cycle lanes within the city

centre, and I think what we need to concentrate on is... Go four times

slower.

Four times?

Four times.

Who wouldn't?

Take advantage of the cyclist. Now shout it. But only use the

word Grackow.

What? Grackow. Grackow?

You'll understand it when you do it.

But I... Yes.

Go on.

Grackow! Grackow!

Now pitch it higher.

Grackow! Higher? Grackow!

Now I want you to move your head from side to side like a bird trying to eat

flies.

That's it.

Are you sure you want to stay with

these people?

They're playthings. They're not worth your time.

They're not playthings. Ken, dance around and sing I'm a plaything for a

while, will you?

Plaything.

Plaything.

I'm a plaything.

I'm a motherfucking plaything.

You watch me play.

Plaything. Stop.

Ken. That was so confident, buddy. I get it, Bernard.

I get it.

The silly stuff is so freeing.

It makes you feel like everything you've got to say is right.

You can't put a foot wrong.

Absolutely, buddy.

Woo! But you did do it wrong.

So, so wrong.

You're bound to tank tomorrow.

Well, smell you later, folks.

Adios.

There he was, that guy.

I really liked him.

I was, uh... Blackout?

Shit, I was terrible, Lord. How am I supposed to... I'll phone tomorrow after

that. Bernard Biggleswood Knight isn't even on Google.

Don't take it as gospel.

What was Ivy even thinking, getting him in? She wasn't to know.

And she's worked really hard on your campaign.

Hey, would you even be running if it wasn't for Ivy?

Why are you defending her?

Well, you do seem happier with her around.

Yeah, that's fair, actually.

I'm even quite fond of the old bat. It's just... Oh, God, tomorrow. I'm never

going to sleep. Look at me, I'm shaking.

Ow!

Well, you haven't done that for a while.

Well, since you're all worked up. Sean!

No. You can't sexy me out of this.

I'm having a crisis.

Yeah, you're right, of course.

Here.

You get on with your breakdown.

I mean, we could try it your way.

Next, we've got the election debate, live from Litchfield Town Hall.

Will Gaffpram Ken Thompson charm the voters into forgetting this?

Mewling Wathock? Keep listening to find out.

Hello. You look very confident.

I am confident, Nina. OK, good. Brilliant, you know. Only the Twitter

storm's still raging and the presentation Guru said you were going to

tank, but it's good.

Where's Ivy? I thought she'd be here to support.

I don't know. Oh.

Hi,

guys.

I'm DJ Johnny.

I'm going to be hosting these hustings, or husting them, if you like.

Very good. Yeah.

These mics are recording, Ken, so watch what you say.

He's very good.

So, listen, I'm expecting this debate to be pretty political, obviously, but also

it's fun.

You know, I'm a fun guy.

So I'm going to drop in a few questions, like favourite films, what song you

like, stuff like that, yeah?

I don't know any songs.

Kirstie, what films do I like? You're going down, sucker.

Live in 20 seconds.

There it goes.

Steve, what are you doing here?

Your sister, she's gone. She left a note.

She's leaving the country with Ron Mickelford.

Ron, what did he...

Thank you.

Thank you. Welcome to the big debate. We're coming live from Litchfield Town

Hall. Kicking off proceedings today, we have a statement from Ken Thompson of

the Liberal Democrats. Ken.

I, um... I, um...

I can't do this.

What? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I've got to go. It's a family emergency. I'm sorry.

No!

Where are you going?

Um, I'm... Ken Thompson's left, so let's play some music.

This is a very poor...

Reflection strategy.

Ten.

Ten. Ten. I was so close.

But her head's been turned by that cad. No, no, it makes him so cool.

That, that bounder. What are you jabbering on about? We've got to go. My

car. Dad, ten. Wait. What's going on?

I'm bad at pickles. My knife is actually a round nickel fart.

That makes sense.

Yeah, I'm reflecting on the name. What's that landish? Well, I still liked it.

Right, where are we going?

Why are you all looking at me?

Come on, Steve, you've clearly bugged her phone. Ken, I would never do such an

invasive thing as... No, wait, you're right.

Oh, no, I did do that. Right.

She is on the M1.

And you, Ken, are next to me.

Check. And, Lorna, you are also next to me.

Check. Good.

Right. Drive on.

And speed up, otherwise we'll never make it.

Hello, police?

There's a criminal on the run.

Ron Mittelfart.

Mittelfart. We're trying to catch him up on the motorway.

How fast? About 80 miles an hour?

The police say slow down. We can't, Pam. Slow down.

What the hell with it? She's my sister.

What's three points on my licence?

This is Chart.

He's going to be flying us to Moscow.

Really? That plane?

With that guy?

Hey, Chart has trafficked more Moldovans than you've had hot dinners.

Daddy had a plane like that when I was little.

It took me up a few times.

Hey, I never showed you before.

A welcome home gift.

Little waffle.

Oh, it's just adorable.

I've got you now, baby.

Everything's going to be exactly the way it was with us before.

Only this time Russian.

Me and you, Ron.

Are we really going to do this again?

Honey, I am not going to take no for an answer.

Firstly, I love you.

No, I do.

And secondly, I need your retina scan for our Swiss bank account. And that's

going to be a son of a bitch to forge.

Oh, Ron, you haven't changed.

There's millions in it. With my new business...

We'll be back where we were in no time. Me making money, you at home all

beautiful. Start the Middlefart Foundation again. We'll live forever or

die rich.

Who cares?

Ivy, wait!

Ron!

Ron Middlefart, I presume.

Top of the morning to you. Sorry about that Bernard stuff. It was just a little

bit of fun. Help!

Let's settle this with an arm wrestle between me and Ron. Shut up, Steve.

Wait a minute.

This is Steve, the guy you were going to marry?

For my visa.

But we were in our 60s. He looks like a jockey with mumps. Mumps?

Get in the plane, honey.

Ivy, you can't trust him. He's not a good person. I know.

But I'm not a good person either.

Me and Ron belong together.

No, you belong here with your family.

We're related.

So what?

Look, I am a... deeply lazy man.

I was coasting and everyone else was happy with that except you. I've loved

this MP thing and it's down to you. And I've just thrown it away.

Down to you. And it doesn't matter because this is what families do.

We help each other out and we hold each other back massively.

So, stay.

Come on, stay Ivy.

It's so much harder this way.

Oh.

Why not be serious?

These people are coarse with strange accents.

And they all look ten years older than they actually are.

But they matter to me.

And I matter to them.

Ron, honey.

I'm so sorry.

Do it.

Oh! Oh! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! No!

Ken! Open!

doing? The madman!

You'll be carried off into the sky!

No!

No, I can't do this! Do you see?

This is what I've been eating for!

Hey, you can't hold the plane!

Think about it!

No! No!

Wait! Get out of there!

Yeah, actually, now I fucking can't.

Bastard, turn this plane around.

Sorry, baby.

The lady said turn the plane around.

What the heck?

Oh,

you couldn't, baby.

You have no idea what I can do.

I'm googling it.

I'm putting it into sense.

How do I land it?

There's a YouTube video.

Skip advert.

Skip advert. Come on. We've got six.

Skip advert in five, four, three, two. Too late.

That's outfit.

Oh, yeah.

It's the throttle.

Okay.

It's that thing there. The big thing. Pull it. Pull it.

It'll bring us speed down.

Okay.

Come on, Ivy Jackson.

Land this baby.

Ivy,

you're amazing.

What a week in politics it's been.

It started with a gasp and ended in absolute heroism. And it's all been

leading up to this moment in Litchfield Town Hall, where the election results

are about to come in. And I'm here with the man of the hour, Ken Thompson.

Now they're calling you the Lib Dems' answer to Rambo. Are they?

I guess that's fair.

Who's Rambo? He's a one-man killing machine.

Not for now.

Now, is it true that you held a plane on the runway through sheer strength?

Well, more or less, yes. But listen, I want to say this.

I wouldn't have been able to do any of this if it wasn't for my darling sister

Ivy, my beloved family and this bloke called Steve. Steve Charles. No, no.

Well, that's beautiful.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ready for the stage, brother? The votes are in.

I give public notice that the new Member of Parliament for the Litchfield

constituency is...