Original subtitles

She is my sister, Lorna. Well, half-sister.

Ken, she's bossing me around in my home.

She's even taken to creeping in uninvited like Nosferatu.

Well, that doesn't even work because vampires have to be invited in. Thank

you. Good point, Rachel.

Still, I don't want her here.

She's a bad influence.

Oh, Dylan.

Well, I think she's pretty cool. Dylan, she tried to turn you into a wolf

dealer. Yes, and that is the most gangster thing I have ever done. Don't

say gangster, please. You're from Litchfield.

Rachel, you know what I'm saying, don't you?

I mean, don't you find Ivy a bit medley? Well, all I know is she always seems to

smell of whatever toiletries I've recently lost.

See, Ken?

She's dodgy.

She's my flesh and blood.

No, Ken. She wanted to buy your flesh and blood. Oh, come on. That was just a

harmless sibling.

It was weird, wasn't it?

That was weird, actually.

A bit weird. It's really weird.

I just don't need to feel, you know, cheated on.

Honestly, no.

It's an unwritten rule.

Lesbianism doesn't count.

Oh, Jesus.

OK, let him off.

So, you get it. Of course. You were as high as a Gulfstream 600, and in the

moment...

So, who kissed who first?

Morning, young people.

Ivy, hi.

I will not get up right now, if that's okay. Rachel, something good happened to

you. You're glowing.

You could pass for 29.

I'm 27.

Oh, God.

Let's learn from this. I need more tact.

You need more skin care.

Anyway, I'm having a meeting in here in a couple of minutes with your father to

brief him for his newspaper interview. So y'all need to get out of here.

Out. Bye.

Lorna, you can't come in. Meeting's starting soon. Go on. Go.

I look like I've been on a casual war, rather.

What about this one?

It's just so plain.

And very you.

This Lucy woman is going to like you.

Do you think?

She's the editor of the Litchfield Argus. If I impress her, it could be

really big for the election.

Maybe I should go and buy a new suit.

Don't waste the money, Ken.

I just want something with a bit of wow factor.

This isn't flashy, but it's reliable.

It's unthreatening, like you.

And... very sexy and very good in bed.

Come on, Lord.

Just goes to show they're getting all worried about that kiss.

Him was absolutely fine.

God, yeah.

Just by the way.

You're quite a good kisser. Oh, thank you.

You're quite a good kisser, too.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

Fit architect, guys. That's me out on a date. Let me see.

Wow. Yeah, I know.

Should I go?

Go?

God, yeah. Like, I mean, how couldn't you go? I guess I'll go.

Ooh!

How did the meeting go? Terrible.

At the end, when I asked if I could count on her support, she just looked

out the window and sighed.

A wistful, happy sigh?

No, she just thought I was... I told you I should have bought a new suit.

And maybe not met her in Wetherspoons.

You can't be serious, see?

You went to a meeting in that suit?

No wonder she didn't back you. I don't even know where you would get something

like that.

Well, Lorna bought it.

She buys all my clothes. Yeah, which is not easy.

There's only one website that sells suits for his frame.

What's that site called again, Dad? Isn't it moobs.com? Yeah, where do you

go? Twat.face?

Yeah, I do, actually.

But not for clothes.

Oh. Maybe it's for the best, Ken.

If Lucy Merriweather wants to support a flashy MP candidate, well, then that's

not you, is it?

You can't change yourself to suit the public mood.

That's exactly how politics works. Oh, my God, it's you.

You're the reason that Ken hasn't achieved anything his whole entire life.

Hey, I have achieved something.

What do you mean, I'm the reason? Your small-time vibe is holding him back.

Buying his clothes and accepting his failures. This is Big Jack's son.

He should be out shaking the world, not settling for this.

He has achieved things, actually.

Ken has a wonderful, loving family. You know who says their greatest achievement

is their family?

Losers. Usain Bolt doesn't gloat about his family. He gloats about being the

fastest man in the world. And then he does this!

And everyone cheers.

You once met, um, you know, what's his name? Alan Shearer. And he told you

what? He said I had a firm handshake. Exactly.

So, everyone ready for tonight?

God, what are you talking about?

Ivy's big divorce party at Cher's Chance.

I'm sure she told you about it. She didn't, and I wouldn't go anyway.

That wasn't a joke.

It's hard to know when you mean things, because you say a lot of weird stuff.

Didn't you say your divorce had come through?

Yeah, yesterday, all done, not a big deal.

Sort of 30 years of marriage.

Well, that's what I'm saying. She needs to mark the moment.

Which is why I'm throwing the shindig to help her through that transition into

singledom. And maybe even help her find a new mate.

Well, if you must.

But really, it's nothing.

I'm not going to miss Ron.

His affairs, his love of control, his fraudulent schemes, which I didn't know

about. I've invited all the divorcees from my support group so they all know

the territory.

I mean, Lucy Merriweather had a cracking divorce.

I mean, she got the white goods and everything.

Lucy Merriweather from the Litchfield Argus?

Well, we won't come.

She was nasty to Ken. There you go again.

What? Holding him back. Can't you see this is an opportunity?

Oh, I think I've fluffed it.

Ken, you're going to go to that party in an amazing suit. And you're going to

seduce this Lucy Merriweather into supporting you. Now, where's the closest

Macy's? New York.

The Moss Bross is open tonight.

We'll find somewhere.

Come on, Kenny.

Let's make you a new man.

I don't want to come here.

I think we should try a pinstripe. A muted tone, but with a pink thread and a

matching lining.

Which one of these catches your eye?

None of them.

This is ridiculous.

Stop resisting, Ken.

We are here to turn you into the man that you were destined to be.

And that man deserves a bit of attention.

A bit of luxury.

A bit of... Scotch, sir.

Thank you.

Show me the blue again.

Lorna, take a look at your new husband.

Well, hello, Miss Moneypenny.

It's hurting my eyes.

No, I don't like it. Lorna, it's only me. No, no, no, don't hurt me again.

God, you look different.

I knew the electric blue was too much. It's because I had that scotch. I never

would have gone for it if I hadn't had that scotch. This is good.

Proof of concept.

This is what we want, Ken.

What, for my own wife to be disgusted by me? Yeah, Ken.

You're looking at me like I'm a fart.

Take it off.

Take it off and take it back. No, this is the darn of a new Ken.

I don't want new Ken.

Casino Ken.

I want old Ken, my Ken. Take it back. Or I'll chop it up. Keep it on. Keep it on

and you win.

Take it back, Ken. Keep it on. Take it back. I feel like a dog being caught by

two masters.

Two? Yeah, I'm going to take it back.

Yes, that just tasted really nasty. Oh, God.

Not like this. This is a moose.

The unsung hero of many, many a cocktail.

Sorry, you'll have to excuse me. I'm just a little bit nervous. I haven't

been on a date since one of our relationship ended.

Oh, snap.

That makes two of us.

It's good to, you know, get yourself back out there, isn't it? Yeah.

Pastures new. Yeah, I like that.

Pastures new.

Pastures new.

Oh, really?

Right.

I don't know, I should probably just get this. Do you mind if I... Oh, good for

her.

Hello.

Babe, where are you?

I'm outside yours.

Oh, why, Tasha, what's happened?

I've had a bit of a crisis with Ben.

Can we have a talk?

I wouldn't ask if you're the only one I could talk to about this stuff.

Oh, my God, of course.

Yeah, just wait there.

I'll be there in a sec.

Okay, thanks.

Archie, I'm so, so sorry.

I have to go. A friend's in trouble.

No, get it. Go, go.

I'll give you a call. Maybe we can reschedule sometime.

Sorry.

You look ravishing.

I feel I want to stroke you. Can I... It's off me.

It's working.

I feel terrible. I told you I'd take this back.

You didn't say when.

Come on, give it a test drive.

What if I spill red wine on it? Vomit more like it. This party's shaping up to

be quite the rager.

Here she is, the belle of the ball.

Happy divorce.

Happy divorce.

They're all here for you, Ivy, to honor your rebirth into society.

Emerging from the chrysalis of marriage into a glittering middle-aged debutante.

Really, Steve, it's not that big of a deal. It's a huge deal, Ivy.

Today marks the start of your future, and who knows what or who your future

holds.

Cake?

It's stale, like your love for rum.

Some interesting choices for decor.

Oh, you likey?

The life-size Ron Mittelfat piñata.

Care to beat the shit out of your ex-husband, Ivy?

With a katana.

Oh,

thanks, but I don't need to do that.

If someone did to me what he did to you, I would wrench the soul from his body

and cast it into the eternal pit of damnation, Ivy. You say such sweet

things.

Would you come make me a drink and get someone else to bring it over?

Yeah.

Lucy's here.

God, I need to impress her.

Why is she eating sticks?

The Twix.

Well, go get her, champ. Remember, it's all about the sizzle. The sizzle, right.

Remind me what the sizzle is again.

Be the man that wears this suit.

Say the things this suit would say.

Steve, have you got any scotch?

Like any successful bachelor, I have an extensive whiskey library.

Okay.

Wish me luck.

Lucy, I did not know you were here.

Wow, you scrub up well. Have you come from a wedding?

No. Listen, I wanted to say how sorry I was the way things panned out at

Weatherspoon the other day. Me too.

I've never shared a fish and chip with a business meeting before.

Well, it does come with three pints, though.

Anyway, I wanted to take the opportunity to change your mind about who you might

be supporting.

OK.

I'm listening.

Here's the thing. My ex-wife used to call me lots of things. Poet, bard.

Jeff needs to compliment me on my penis.

Oh, God.

I'm getting a drink.

Hurry up. Party games, right.

Now, who wants to play?

Pin the husband on the ivy.

Anyone?

Anyone else?

Thanks for coming.

I've already got myself an estate.

What happened?

I couldn't decide which one. I was lucky to buy Ben for his birthday.

Right.

Sorry, Tash.

Weren't you crying on the phone?

Yeah, like a third of them.

God, I was having a tizzy.

Anyway, you want to drink some wine?

Hang out a bit?

Um... Oh.

You were on a date.

Was it going well?

Not bad.

Great. Do you want to go back or we can hang?

No, it's OK.

Let's do wine.

Come in.

Mum, Tash is here.

Oh, hiya, Tash.

Hello, is that the Taylors?

Yes, I just want to check that the refund has gone through because my

card's been declined.

Yeah. Ken Thompson.

That's right, very tall, yeah.

Did he return his soup?

He didn't.

He bought what?

Go on, tell me about this boy.

Well, er, I mean, he still remains very fit.

Erm, I don't know.

Are you all right, Mum?

Where are you going?

To murder your father. Or at least murder his waistcoat.

Oh, fair enough.

Oh, they're great, aren't they, you mum and dad?

Like, they're a couple, but we're all their best friends.

Shall we listen to some music?

Oh,

I love this song.

OK, I'm going to be straight with you, Lucy.

I am inexperienced in the politics game. There's no getting round that.

But I can guarantee you one thing.

Honesty.

I'm going to be honest with my fellow politicians, I'm going to be honest with

you, the press, and I'm going to be honest with the people.

Honest Thompson.

You fucking liar!

Lorna, it's a pretty bad time. Don't you Lorna me? You said you were going to

take that suit back and instead you buy a flamboyant waistcoat.

You lied to my face, Ken.

Honest Thompson.

It's all right. I'll just do the way this is looking.

Lorna, in America, we call this being an asshole.

And you can shut up, too. You're nothing but a bad influence, filling his head

with pipe dreams and dressing him up like Puff Daddy.

I'm improving him. Don't you want him to be ambitious?

To provide for you? I get it, Ivy.

Your husband's gone, and it sounds like he was a shit.

But that's no reason to go taking control of mine.

Oh, God.

It's just a suit.

It's a symbol, Ken, of what he's doing to our family.

And it ends here.

He's not taking it back.

No, he's not.

He's taking it off.

What?

Take the suit off, Ken.

And the white coat.

Now, hold the jacket up.

Go on.

Lorena, how did that feel?

Really, really good.

Hand me the sword.

Back, heavy.

What?

Take that, Ron!

What else

can we shed?

Everything in Westchester.

Oh, Lorna.

You know what, Lorna? I've really just been trying to help. I know.

I guess I had a lot of pent-up anger against Ron after all.

Yeah, I think you proved that when you had Bootsy the lawnmower.

fun.

I've never really had a woman friend in my life before.

I guess there's something to having a family after all, even if they live in

Ditchfield.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

I think we need to remember Ben.

He's a really good friend and obviously what you have is very special. Yeah,

Ben.

Night, Rach.

Oh, bollocks.

Your orphan with his gun

Crying like a...