Original subtitles

God, I love that pub.

It's a place where everyone's equal.

Everyone's your friend, do you know?

Hello, Kit. Ah, bollocks. I followed you here for some broad time. Now, high in

my gender is me marrying your sister and finally penetrating your family unit.

Let's make this happen.

Hark! It's Ken Thompson.

Sorry, do I know you? I have a gift for knowing people.

I know Graham, for example.

Graham, whose actual name is Steve?

I will speak.

Ken Thompson.

you will be the Liberal Democrat parliamentary candidate for Lishfield.

Right. That's very specific.

And you, Graham, will invent an award-winning sex toy called the Jolly

Rooster. Yes. Really?

Very illuminating.

You crack.

Yeah, I know.

Although, fun fact, my name actually is Graham.

You what?

Yeah, I changed it to Steve by depot some time ago. I mean, Graham is just a

bit boring.

So you mean she's actually... Yeah.

How did you... Hell's bells, Ken. She's gone.

Oh, no, wait. She's over there.

Oh.

So you just need to sign here and here, and your divorce will be through in ten

days. Congratulations.

Wonderful. My brother said you were an expert at this mindless clerical stuff.

Always nice to receive a compliment.

There is this other little thing. I got this darling little letter from the UK

immigration. It said, Ivy, your visa has run out, and you need to leave the

country within 90 days.

So what's that about?

What? I think it means your visa has run out and you have 90 days to leave the

country. But I can't go back to the States. They'll pin Ron's crimes on me.

So what do I do?

Well, you could get a job. Or you could get married once the divorce comes

through. There you go. I'll marry a wealthy Englishman. Someone like Sean

Connery or Liam Neeson. Right. You do only have 90 days, though. 90 more days

than I need. Are you a millionaire?

Will you marry me?

No, I'm with Tash.

Although, if I wasn't... Oh, still no.

She'd make you to be an MP?

Yeah, it was like a prediction. Like she'd seen it in her vision.

Spooky, spooky.

It did make me think, though. Remember when I was making waves at the Lib Dems?

Nina wanted me to be a councillor. Yeah, till you took an E and puked on her.

Yeah. I should have liked a life in politics.

You're going to go on a party?

Oh, no, it's just something an old lady said down the pub. It's nothing serious.

Politics. Now, that would have made Daddy happy.

I'll have to worry what he would have thought about you had he seen you living

like this.

I am horse.

I'm actually horse.

That was freaking awesome.

Where were you?

I marched to release this innocent journalist.

You renegade. Y'all have fun out there shaking your rattles.

Actually, we're fighting for the poor and the oppressed, Ivy.

She's thought of you now, isn't it?

Oh, Twitter's saying that Douglas Markham's resigning.

Isn't he?

Oh, no, Clampy.

It's going to be a by-election.

Ken, don't.

It's a coincidence.

That's a bit weird, isn't it?

That's exactly what that old woman said. Yeah, we probably shouldn't read

anything to it, though.

It's Nina.

She wants me to come in urgently. She's something important we want to discuss.

Well,

I'd make the money I wanted to make, Yusra. And I just really couldn't get on

with being an estate agent.

Everyone's so grasping and that's just not me.

And working in a garden centre is you?

I don't see any horticultural experience here.

Oh, I've got experience.

Let's just say I used to look after some pretty exotic plants.

Your previous job was drug dealer?

Well, drug dealer and grower, yeah.

Well, isn't that marvelously dangerous?

I like a grower.

Well, Dylan, you seem a likely young man. You could fit in here very nicely.

Thing is, how do I know if you're any good or not?

Do you have a portfolio?

Examples of your work?

Well, I might have an eighth of a portfolio.

Just bringing it home just means you haven't got the job. Brilliant, I did

want it anyway.

Fine.

I'm going to flip into something more interesting.

Oh, yeah?

Are you going to love me? Am I? Am I going to love me?

Oh, yeah, baby.

Nearly done.

OK, I'm coming.

Come on, I'm ready.

So, what do you think?

This is new.

Sorry to hear about Douglas Markham, Nathan.

Have you got a replacement yet?

Well...

Difficult times call for a fresh face.

And I think that you in particular will be very surprised to hear who we've gone

for. Oh.

Do I know them?

It's the local colossus.

Here the two barely involved in politics.

And they're not a million miles away from this table.

Wow.

Nina.

I don't know what to say.

Yep, so we are delighted to announce that the candidate who's going to be

fighting this by-election is Euthra... Euthra Duncan.

Sorry, I have terrible problems with her name.

She's a local businesswoman.

Well, what was all that about not far from the table?

Oh, oh, yeah, her head office is across the road.

Can you look very grumpy? What's wrong? No, no, it's fine.

I thought maybe you had me in mind.

You.

Oh, my goodness.

That's so funny.

Oh, you.

No, sorry, it's you, Sir Duncan.

Yeah, we had to make a very quick choice.

She's very popular with our biggest donor. Do you know Gordon Andrews, the

poultry magnate? Yeah. He's hosting a big fundraiser for us on Saturday.

That's why I've called you in.

Come along, bring your family.

What, that's it?

Mm. You said it was urgent.

Oh, well, um, I must have meant not urgent.

Go away now, please.

Yeah. Yeah.

Very easily.

Gary, do I see before me the parliamentary candidate for Litchfield?

No, you do not. Nina remains a psychopath, and this has been another

wild goose chase.

Older than an amazing MP, and now she expects me to go to some worthless

fundraiser round at Gordon Andrews' house. Well, it's not happening.

Gordon Andrews? Dad, Andrews' chickens are weird in windowless warehouses. He

is a monster.

Yes, here he is. He's on the list.

86, widowed, worth 40 million. He is perfect.

A chicken torturer. Who's 86?

Oh, shush, both of you.

Can't a girl fall in love?

Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up. Word has it he's sweet on the chosen

candidate, Yusra Duncan.

Yusra Duncan.

Let's have a look.

Ha! No contest.

Trust me, darling. When that millionaire hears about my milkshake, he's going to

feel 75 again.

Your milkshake.

I need to pick out my outfit and the dog's outfit.

And she's put on a lot of weight lately.

Well, it's a shame we're not going.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Just brought up and watching around some mum.

Hey, why are you looking at your user, Duncan?

Why, do you know her?

Oh, I've seen her around.

I mean, she's pretty fit for an old lady, right?

I suppose.

Well, I shagged her.

You did?

Oh, horrible.

And let me tell you, she has got some pretty specific taste.

Oh, come on, Dylan.

Spill the beans.

Okay, so, she likes to do it dressed up in teddy bear outfits.

Oh, my teddy bear. And you did it.

Obviously, I did it, but to be honest, it was actually pretty comfy. Oh, my

God.

Did you see? The path presents itself.

Your rival is a fervent.

That can't be normal. Not even in ye old England.

She's not my rival, Ivy. I'm not even in the running.

Ken, you're forgetting your trump card.

Your first stop.

Now, we go to this party. I get the millionaire to fall in love with me. You

use the information to knock your sly out of the way. Bada-bing, bada-boom.

No.

Oh, shit, it might just work.

I can still be an MP.

No, no, no, it's immoral. And anyway, how would we prove it? Well, I mean, she

did get me to film it, if that helps.

Don't tell Lorna.

£500.

Yeah, they're going to be like, why can't I get in? Oh, my God, I can't get

into the party.

Give me your phone.

Okay. No distractions.

You paid in the keys, right?

Yep. Swallowed them.

What? Natasha, you swallowed them? Yes, bruv.

They're going to have to cut us out!

I don't know.

Excuse me. Hello.

Is this the main entrance?

No, ladies, if you want the main entrance, you have to go to the other

side. OK, thank you.

We must say thank you to you, Gordon.

It's a beautiful event. Thank you for your support.

Screw your courage to stick in place, Kenneth. Give me a half an hour to

enrapture the millionaire and then show the video to Nina.

Ivy, do you think this is a good idea?

Why wouldn't it be?

I'm about to blackmail someone with a porn video starring my own son.

It seems a bit sordid.

What's all this whispering about? Lovely. It's getting into the vibe of

the party.

Look at the balloons and all the social democracy.

Nice. Oh, Ken, lovely. You're here. Come and meet our host. Here.

Take the dog.

Oh, here you are in this random corner of the room.

Oh, who's your hot friend?

I be my sister. This is Nina.

Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter.

Are you Gordon Andrews? Who?

I shall say.

Oh, dear.

I shall.

Are you married?

So, you're a single guy.

That is so rare in someone so handsome.

Like you don't know.

Stop staring at me like that.

It's like you're seducing me on the spot.

Get the hell out of here. I got it, bitch.

Look at us laughing together.

Gesundheit.

Ben said he'd pick us up about five, didn't he?

Four hours.

Tell you how we could use the time constructively.

Yes, I do.

I've got a lighter.

Come on. Come on.

The old goat's hooked. My divorce comes through next week. I'll be remarried in

a month and widowed pretty soon afterward. Now it's your turn. Nina,

right over there. I don't know.

We don't have tactics.

It's just not me.

This is your chance to be something. And all you have to do is ruin someone

else's life.

And if you don't do it, I will.

Nina. Yeah? Can I have a word?

Um, okay.

Bye.

Bye. Oh, this is all highly secretive, Ken.

It's almost like you're trying to seduce me. That's not what this is. At all.

Okay, all right, well, what is it?

Nina. Yeah, Ken split it out.

It's you, Sarah Duncan.

I've got winds of a video of her having sex with a man in his twenties.

Hmm.

Oh my God, okay.

Wow, you threw Duncan a physical metaphor.

Oh, it's got a name. Yeah, it's got a name.

Okay. And the voters really don't like them.

Well, I may have acquired the video, and let's just say

I would hate for it to get into the wrong hands.

Absolutely, absolutely.

Yes, this campaign would be dead on arrival. It would be a disaster.

Oh, I know.

I had to close them, so... Okay, right, well, thank the Lord this is not going

to go any further.

Right, I just start the auction.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

How do you know it's not going to get into the wrong hands? Well, I mean, you

said yourself you're the only person with a video.

Yes, I know what I said, but... What if it were to happen by accident?

Well, that's highly unlikely.

Okay.

Well, what if I did it... Deliberately.

You,

blackmailer.

That's wonderful.

Good, kind, beautiful.

Ken, would you do something so dastardly? No, that's never going to

happen.

I do not need any more of those.

You know, when Ben told me that he was still mates with his ex, I

was not happy.

Like, one in five.

Yeah, totally.

Just like, bitch alert.

And I was like, please, don't let her be pretty. And then I saw you and...

Obviously you're gorgeous.

Yeah, I really am.

Yeah, you keep telling people.

I like that character trait.

And then we got to talking and I was like, wow, this is incredible. We're the

same. We are the same.

The same. There is no difference. There is no difference.

So what did you think of me when we first met?

What did I think?

I thought you were hating on me.

What?

Oh, because we met in that coffee shop.

Yeah, but then I saw you with Ben and I realised you were just being really

nice.

Yeah, because that's what you're like.

You're just really, really...

and chatted about Yusra Duncan.

She is just lovely.

Yeah, typical politician, isn't it?

All smiled, aren't they? Now they've got their own grandma.

Oh, no, her grandma's dead.

Well, there you go. And not just her grandma.

Her husband died a few years ago, too.

He said he was really funny. He was one of those football mascots.

She said she tries to remember him in every way she can.

Right.

Well... Thank God no-one's going to see a video of her dealing with that pain.

What? Ken, are you OK?

Yeah, now I'm fine.

Do you know what, Lorna? I think I might try and be an MP one day.

I think I'd be good at it.

But I want to do it the right way.

Bully for you, Ken.

What would be the wrong way?

Testing, testing, one, two, three. Go on.

Welcome, everybody.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. It's nearly time for the auction.

And I would love to thank Gordon for his amazingly generous donation of these

antiques.

But I know that you're all very, very much looking forward to meeting our new

candidate. And here she is, Yusra Duncan!

Come up, Yusra.

Common sense prevailed in the end. You chickened out.

I knew you would. Don't worry. Your big sister looked after it.

What do you mean, looked after it?

I swapped the files on the computer back there.

You didn't. Of course I did.

I'm not going to let you be a loser all your life. They're about to play the

video that'll introduce everybody to their new candidate.

And here it is.

A video to introduce everybody to our new candidate.

And you're all going to see...

A new side to Yusra.

Oh, God, no. No, I've got to stop it. I've got to stop it.

Kiana. So, after Yusra has said a few words, we'll watch a little video and

then we'll get on with the auction.

Okay, so speak, Yusra.

I just want to say it's been great meeting you all. And with that, I'll

hand back to Nina.

Okay.

Well, I think all that needs to be done then is for me to work out which...

Okay, stop.

Stop. Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I want to make a speech.

Hello, Lib Dem!

I said hello, Lib Dem!

How's everyone doing?

Woo! Lib Dems!

Hello.

I am Ken Thompson.

Do not adjust your foot.

I am this big.

And I am the council.

Now, listen.

Uterus is a fine candidate. I know when it comes to raising money for the Lib

Dems, there is no magic money tree. There isn't.

But there is such a thing as a money plant.

And I bought six of them at Uterus Garden Centre earlier.

That's what she makes happen.

That's hilarious.

Thank you, sir. Where are you from?

Redditch. Redditch.

Whoa. You want to get some cream for that?

Well, at least I'm not from H-field, mate. H-field's good as well.

That's good. Say some more.

Er, anyone in from Rashburn?

Rashburn! Love it. Not good, but still funny.

Try and make it some more.

Don't press the button.

You're about to show the video, the furry video.

The furry video? Yes, the furry video.

How do they hold in the furry video? I don't know. I don't know. Shut the door.

Shut the door.

What's going on?

Oh, I'm sorry, but you...

Your enemies have got hold of some incriminating material.

Oh, God, no.

Is it the midget gardener? What?

No. The bear suit?

Yeah. Oh, what have I done?

Then you'd better give him the mic.

OK.

All right, hey, pack it in.

Yusra needs to speak. Yusra, please.

Come on, then.

Hello again, everyone.

I've got something I have to tell you.

You know, when you go through a hard time in life, you cling on to any kind

of comfort.

Soft, warm, furry comfort.

And when I feel lonely, I can't do this.

Friends, I can't be your candidate.

I'm going two steps away.

Of course, who you pick to succeed me is up to you.

I'm sorry.

What about Ken Thompson?

Yeah, it's a great idea.

I like funny men.

Ken! Ken!

Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

Ken!

Ken!

Will you marry me?

I thought you would never ask. My divorce comes through in a week. Can you

live that long? I mean, wait that long?

I don't know what to say.

I suppose what I can promise is, as your new candidate, there will be a gentler

politics.

And yours relieved with a reputation intact.

No one needs to ask.

What happened?

Who said what? Who blackmailed who?

Let's just move forward, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's move forward together.

Together with dignity.

Wow, a round of applause for Ken.

Oh, no. Oh, the remote.

Why is it playing?

It's the remote.

I don't know.

It's so important to make someone happy.

Make just one someone happy.

You can't have a heart attack. Oh, my God.

Please. Just one more week.

Fucking duck.

Comes and goes in a minute.

Where's the real stuff in life?

To cling to love

is the answer.

From love to love is the answer.