All language subtitles for cuckoo_-_502

I'm in. Long time no see.

Rach, Ben's here. He's back from China.

Ben! Oh.

Oh. Oh. I thought we'd go for a spin. We
have got a lot of catching up to do. OK.

I'm just... China was not like I
expected.

Worked for Ling's dad in the triad.

Complete horror show.

He fell out, actually.

Is that how you got the scar?

Weird story.

I don't like to talk about it.

So, after all this time, here we are. I
have to say this. You know, let me go

first.

I'm not the Rachel that you knew before.

I really don't think we should be
friends again.

Really? Why? I don't think it's good for
you.

I've got things to do, but big things.

I have not got the time. Rachel. I know
what you're going to say. I mean, come

on. Who are we kidding?

I've got a girlfriend.

What? Her name's Tash. She's amazing.
She's just like you, except younger and

feistier. Just full of beans.

Sexy beans.

Honestly, I thought I'd be the one who
ended up alone.

You're our attorney. You tell me.

What do you mean my accounts are frozen?

How unfair.

I knew nothing about the fraud.

Stop laughing.

I am bereft here. My darling husband, my
Ron, is on the run from the FBI.

This is not the last call. What do you
mean, this is the last call? I'm good

for the money.

Oh, God,

this can't be happening.

Breakfast in bed, milady?

Oh, how sweet.

Eggs.

Elastique chance.

Yes, sir. Scrambled eggs.

Avocado.

Chicken gel, Frazee. Enjoy.

Such English gallantry. I could just eat
you up.

Please eat me up.

Goodbye, my hairy little knight.

I'm going to marry that woman.

Brantley Academy.

Dad, I can't believe you'd even consider
it. Don't worry, Rach. I've told him.

My old dad would kill me if we sent Sid
to private school. I mean, look at us.

We've even got a nanny. I'm sort of
progressive.

I listen to the Smiths. I retweet J.K.
Rowling.

It's just about looking after your own.

Yeah, that's what they all say. Next
thing you know, you've got four million

Palestinians under curfew. Oh, come on.
Sid's got brains, real brains.

Here, what's this?

Sid, when was the Battle of Hastings?

Richard III.

10.66.

Thank you. Genius in the making.

What is that you're feeding him, Angela?

Heart of chicken.

Yummy, yummy chicken heart.

Shouldn't we be feeding awful to a
four-year-old?

My husband eats chicken heart every
morning.

He's a huge killing machine.

He killed nine Croats during the war.
Not like you, Jelly Belly.

I do not like that, Nanny.

Brother, brother of mine.

Baby, what are you doing here?

Well, I just thought I'd drop by and say
hello. I mean, when was the last time we

saw each other?

I believe the last time we saw each
other was when you came to my home

acting all high and mighty and you tried
to buy my dead body.

Oh, Kenny, now I know we got off on the
wrong foot, but we are family.

And somehow we have both found ourselves
in this appalling place. And if we are

going to get out of here, we need to
help each other.

This has been my home for 30 years.

And maybe together we can change that.

Right.

Get out of it. Out. Out.

I've got a four-year-old son and I want
to try and keep him away from evil.

You mean I am unwelcome in my own
brother's home?

You are most unwelcome, you fraud.

Well, but that's the way it is. I am
perfectly fine across the road at your

gallop friend's door. Hey.

No difference.

Goodbye, dear brother.

You never...

Are you busy?

No, no, not really.

Because I felt compelled to say it. You
are absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Oh, wow, right. Thank you.

Your looks, yeah, but your style and
something about you.

I was sitting there kind of in awe.

Oh, well, good opinion.

I just thought I'd say it because...

I think so often people can be scared of
making each other feel awkward and

chances go by.

Well, I'm flattered, honestly.

And it's not awkward, I promise.

Oh, well, it's a bit awkward now.

Of course.

I'll go.

Shower's free, Lorne.

Lorne? Lorne, shower's free.

Lorne, shower's free.

Ken?

Shit.

Shit, no.

No! Shit!

Angela!

It was a mistake!

Angela, I've got a meeting!

Why is Angela leaving?

No reason. Not Daddy's fault.

You might have to come to my meeting
with me.

We don't need any stupid brother doing
the tickly tops. People think because

I'm privileged that I can't take care of
myself.

What is the liquid stuff that goes in
coffee?

Don't touch anything.

Well, I never.

You are not welcome in my house either.

Hear me out.

What? Ivy, sister.

Remember what I was saying about us not
being able to hang out? You were

inhumanly cruel.

I was. I was cruel.

But I've been thinking, what would be
the next best thing to hanging out with

me? Why?

Hanging out with my adorable son.

If Nanny's had to go, personal
emergency.

Really? Wouldn't have anything to do
with you rushing out in the drive in

your bathrobe just now, would it?

No.

They've got very similar hair.

Of course they do.

Brother, I shall look after your child.

But in return... Here we go.

You have to be nice to me. These are
trying times, and I need my family.

You and Lauren and Daniel, and I want to
say... Abigail.

Incredibly wrong.

But fine. You look after the kid for the
day, and I promise we will all begin to

like you, despite your appalling
personality.

That is all I ask.

Not yet.

Hooks can wait.

Lizzie, where are you? It's your aunt
Ivy to the rescue.

Oh. Oh.

So, when do I milk it?

Him? You don't milk him. He's a human
child.

Obviously. I mean, when do I give it its
milk?

He's four.

Four?

Shouldn't he be taller?

Rich kids are taller.

What's this?

Uh, it's a...

Brochure for private school is for Sid.

Private school?

Oh, that's wonderful.

British private schools are the best.
All those owls and gowns. So cute.

Right, well, it's not happening. Lauren
doesn't approve, so you may as well

chuck it. I see.

Well, before I chuck it, how about I
just roll it out real tight? That way,

it's nice and compact, and you can fit
it neatly up your pretty little vagina.

Excuse me.

Ken! You're going to let your wife stop
you from educating your son?

Well, it's all our fun.

I see now. No wonder all your children
are failures. No wonder you're making

passes at the nanny. There is no male
leadership in this house.

Oh, still here. I left some paperwork.
What's she doing here?

Who? Oh, Ivy.

Ivy's here because Angela left.

What? Why did Angela leave?

She left because, um... Sid kicked her
in the face.

What? What?

That is true, actually.

It was one of Dale's karate kicks, so...
Oh, her nose was bleeding.

I was just... I was all swollen.

And she came to me and she was like...
Ah, leave it! My nose is broken.

Yeah. It's broken. I'm sorry.

Yeah. And Ken called me. Yeah. And I
just stepped up and here we are. Here we

are. Here we are.

Sid caked.

The nanny? In the faith?

He did.

Lorna, I'm looking to think there's
something wrong with him.

Oh, dear God.

I'm going to call Angela. No.

You go back to work. You let me deal
with it. I'm on top of the details.

OK, then. Fine.

Sidney Thompson, you come here. We are
going to have very strict words tonight,

young man. Come with me.

You're damn right.

You need to pull your act together,
sunshine.

Did you feel that?

Real brother-sister synergy there.

You're welcome.

I just framed my son.

He's four and hasn't been framed yet. It
needed to happen.

Ding it.

Rach, you're my best friend and Tash is
my girlfriend. You have to meet.

No, Ben, I've just got a lot on at work.

Well, I've booked a booth for seven.

Rach, you are going to love her. She's
just like you. Well, no, that's not

quite right.

Imagine what you wished you were like at
24.

That's what she's like.

How did you get in the house?

Hey there.

I'm looking after your brother for the
day. Because that's what families do.

Okay, should Sid be riding your dog?

Huh?

Who's on the phone?

That's my friend Ben.

Your ex. Tell Aunt Ivy.

Oh, no, there's nothing to tell.

He's desperate for me to meet his
girlfriend. God knows why. And you're

madly jealous.

And you want him back bad.

No, that's not what's happening.

No, it is. You may not think it is, but
it is. That's why Aunt Ivy is going to

give you a complete makeover. And, boy,
you need it.

I think I'm going to go to my room.

I did not enjoy this conversation.

Whoop-de-doo, honey tits.

Not my name.

Hi, how are you?

Ken.

Listen, I brought you some flowers to
say sorry.

Peanuts.

Now, look, I know you must think I'm
some sort of lunatic.

I don't think you're lunatic.

Good, good.

Guess what happened back there is
entirely explainable. I know.

It's passion and sexy longing.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Macy, I thought you were Lorna. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it, Ken.

I cannot bear another minute.

Angela. I ran this morning because I'm
scared of what we do.

The chemistry between us has been
unbearable since first day.

What? You're horrible to me.

As defense.

And now you're coming here with
ridiculous story about how you mistake

me for your wife.

You feel it, girl?

Of course.

I am beautiful woman and you, gorilla,
with irresistible stomach like a lovely

mountain. What are you doing?

You are right. We are both married.

I need to stop working for you and we
must keep this a secret from our

spouses. What?

You have nothing to keep secret.

You don't want me to keep secret, you
come at me and nudie from behind and

grabbed on my tush.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, keep that
secret, obviously.

I am so confusing.

Big, sexy asshole.

I didn't do it! I didn't! Do not give me
that, Sidney Thompson. Now sit!

No! Until you admit what you did, you
sit on the naughty floor.

Sit on the naughty floor.

Bloody bungalow.

Poor Brad, he's still climbing. He
didn't do it.

Do you think maybe you've suffered
enough now? Oh, no, no.

We're not going soft on him.

I texted Angela.

No reply.

We need to vet his toys.

No more guns, Sid.

No more lightsaber. The lightsaber is a
dollar piece. I didn't do it.

I've got them on the dark side too, Sid.

Ah, you're still here.

Well, when Lorna came home, she was so
busy busting your son's ass, I just

thought I'd hang out and drink.

What sort of father am I, letting my son
take the blame for my mistakes?

Oh, come on. Sid will forget it like
that. I mean, sure, it'll probably

emerge as late-life neurosis, but that
ain't your problem, am I right?

Anyway, see you tomorrow, I guess.

I really like him being the nanny.

Finally getting to know my new fam.

Why is Simon sitting on the floor?

Ugh.

Drunk, demonic Mary Poppins.

Sorry, Sid.

Sid went to bed crying he didn't do it.
It breaks my heart.

Poor Sid.

But we can't let that go.

Look, Lorna, something I need to say.
You were right.

Something more disciplined would suit
him. If he has got a problem, let's give

Grant the Academy a call.

What, really?

Because he took out the nanny.

We're still progressive, though.

Sorry, what was it you wanted to say,
love? Oh, nothing, no.

We're still progressives. That's the
important take-out message here.

Good night. Night, love.

You know Angela's husband?

What's his name?

Um, someone Eastern European?

Goran? He, um, fought in the Balkans,
didn't he? Yeah.

Yeah, for years, apparently.

You're not going to answer that?

No.

Rachel, great to see you. Hi. Hi.

Sorry about that. It's a... China thing.

Yeah, yeah.

Tash was just having a sticky outside,
so... Oh, my God.

Is this you?

Oh, hey.

Look, I'm just having a drink with a
mate, so I can't really talk.

Sorry.

Rach, this is Tash.

Oh! Sorry, it's just we met earlier.

Oh. Ben has been going on and on about
you ever since we met.

Oh, you're the one who got away.

No.

Ben, would you grab a drink?

Sure, sure.

You two are going to get on so well.

Wow.

Your margarita, Auntie.

Oh, Ken, I am madly in love with him.

In the business world, you're going to
be a ruthless predator, aren't you, Sid?

Oh, hello, Ken.

Don't mind me.

Relaxing. Chris, Tickler Tops has taken
a bit of a dislike to Steve. It's best

he just submits.

Oh, God.

What's that?

Oh, Gorin's coming over.

Ton.

Shit. I think that's Gorin. I have
killed people in the army.

Relax, Ken. He's Latin. They get fired
up over nothing. He's Vulcan.

They kill people.

Hey, that was a car in the drive.

Oh, man.

Well? One big ball of muscle.

You two. You're killing me, Shane.

Shane, guns are illegal in this country.
This guy's got to take them. Take them

down. God. God.

Shit, shit, shit. Mike, everybody hide.

Shit. Well, that is unmanly. Come on,
Sid. Honey, we're going to take you back

here so we don't see any blood.

Get out there!

No, we can just lie low until he's gone.

Then Marty comes home, and here's
Gordon's side of the story, and...

Right, okay, all right. I'm going to
have to get out of this using the old

Thompson silver tongue.

Open it.

Mr. Thompson!

I need to speak with you!

Oh, my God!

You'll provide a laugh!

It's all right. They were just winding
me up, saying I was going to have to

fight you, so... You should be worried.

I deck your big ass right in!

He's tiny.

What is it about short men?

Short? I am roughly tight!

I know that you're angry, OK, but I
think there's just been a little

misunderstanding. Eh?

No misunderstanding.

You come on to my wife, and then you
gave her penis!

God! Penis. The flower.

You gave my wife penis!

I think... You need to calm down.

He's dead.

What?

Oh, my God.

Hang on. Have you taken his pulse?

No, I work off God instinct.

I could check his pulse if you like.
Would you?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, strong pulse.

The human is alive, but he's
unconscious.

Let's get him to the hospital.

There's Lorna.

Shit!

Welcome home, my love.

This is a very eager greeting. Well, I
don't want to wait for something because

I have booked a table for us at...
...Palutio's.

Date night.

Ivy and Steve are going to look after
Sid. Isn't it wonderful? Let's get

going. Ken, just let me take the weight
off my feet a minute.

Take the weight off your feet at the
restaurant.

All right, you two.

Hi, Lorna. Hi, Lorna. How is the thing?

Why aren't you sitting down?

Oh, sitting.

Lorna, come on, the restaurant.

Oh, Ken, what do you like?

Why don't you marry it?

Marry the restaurant, Ken. Fuck off,
Steve.

What's going on?

What?

Hungry.

Oh, my.

A random man from the street.

No, that's Goran, Angela's husband.

Goran?

What happened?

What's he doing here? I don't know. Come
on.

Did you see him come in?

Goran! Oh, yes, now.

He came round.

Did you pick up some stuff for Angela?
It was a cashmere... Cardigan she left

on the radiator in the kitchen.

He looks dazed.

Ken, make him a cup of tea.

But Carlo Gioves. Oh, tea.

Maybe he can persuade Angela to come
back. Problem solved.

That's a good idea.

Tea.

How's Angela, Goran? How's the head?

It hurts so much.

It's so heavy.

Yes, he's a big lad.

He's betolicked in the nursery.

What? Maybe you could have a word with
Angela for us?

Angela.

Angela. Angela, he... I think Goran is
very sick.

Feel his forehead.

Oh, Bernie.

You are going to hospital, young man.
Come on, Angela, come on. Here we go.

Angela.

Hey, you're going to... Go on, before
you go, I just... Lorna, let the man get

to hospital.

All right, before you go, I do want to
apologise about Angela.

Why, you apologise?

It's not him.

I know he feels bad about it, but he's
been having some problems lately.

He's never hit anyone before. Well, he's
hit a few children, obviously.

Seriously? He is the terrible human
being. Now, Boren, you've gone too far.

You're going to have to leave. He's bad.

Very bad. And annoying.

And he has bad clothes.

And a silly face.

How rude.

I know. The rude, rude man.

Yes. The bloody fantasist.

Sid, come here. Don't you listen to a
thingy-bat.

I'm a bad person.

Oh, there, there. It's okay to be a
little bad.

Look

what

we picked up after nursery.

Yep, sold out all my principles, but
nice material.

Come on, love.

You wanted something and you've got it.
How often does that happen?

Not that often, actually.

It's going to happen a lot more now that
I'm here.

Oh. Are you going to make me evil?

Feels great, doesn't it? And the best
part is, no one's ever going to know

unless you're mean to me. And then I'll
tell immediately.

I've got your balls in a vice.

In a sisterly way.

Daddy, daddy, look what I drew today.

Oh, wow.

Well done.

Would you look at that?

Burn it

There's box set comedy from BBC4
featuring the funniest people around.

Download the BBC Sounds app to listen to
Flip. Or you can head online to iPlayer

where you'll find tons of comedy
including the outnumbered box set which

is available now.