All language subtitles for cuckoo_-_406

Previously on Cuckoo. Would you do me
the honor of permitting me, Dale

Ashbrick, to propose to your daughter?

Should your focus be wedding rings?

You haven't got a job. You are looking
at 49% owner of all Dale and Steve's

pals. Steve's already got the lead.

Why do I feel scared?

Rachel said she needed more space to
think about her pattern in life.

So I found a place in England with the
most space there is. I needed time to

think, not some kind of non-consensual
Duke of Edinburgh.

A job's come up, a real one.

Where is it?

It's in Sierra Nevada.

Or Lyon. The African one.

Oh, wow.

genuine question. You built this. Just
you and Steve.

Well, it was mainly me. Steve preferred
to supervise.

He made me work with my top off a lot.

Sometimes my pants, too.

All right.

Ah.

Wow.

I actually meant to shove a coat of
magnolia on it. Oh, I'm sorry. I can

wash it off. No, no, no. No, leave it.

It's beautiful.

It's all Steve's power. I mean, look at
this place.

And they said we'd never make it happen.

Who did? Ken, Lorna, Connie, the
postman, my kids, the BBC West Midlands,

your girlfriend.

Yeah, to be fair, I did say that. Still,
we showed them.

But the question is now, are you ready?

I think so.

Busy day?

Yeah, right.

Plotting my return to Herbert
Redcliffe's solicitors as chief partner.

Don't you think it's time that you
started looking for another job?

That'll be fine, man. I mean, a vacancy
for a giant dickhead is bound to come up

somewhere soon.

I don't need to look for a new job
because I'm getting my old one back.

Oh, yeah?

How are you planning to do that?

I know how you can get your old job
back.

Oh, right.

Come on, then. What's the big idea?

Well, you take the other partners for a
nice, friendly curry.

Except for that Jane one. With her, you
want to say you're doing a charity

skydive. And then when you're up there,
rip the safety cord from her parachute,

strangle her with it and then shove her
out the plane.

Say something really cool like, are you
round?

That might actually work.

The curry bit, obviously, not the
horrifying murder.

Well, if I was going to do that, I'd say
something cooler than see you around.

Is it a bird?

Is it a Jane?

I'll beat as Jane.

Richard, I've... Oh.

Yeah, murder her or don't murder her,
because I really don't give a shit.

I'm starting to worry about Dylan.

Yeah? What was the turning point? When
he's shat in his girlfriend's bath or

two years later when he's shagged her
mum?

Good point.

Anyway, this plan.

Me and all the partners out for a curry
tomorrow night. No Jane there to poison

them against me.

Classic divide and conquer.

Jane, the hopeless perks.

Me, Genghis Khan.

Yes, I'm in favour with her employees.

It means I'm Miss Dale's opening night,
but... Hello.

I'd like to book a table for six
tomorrow night, please.

The name?

Genghis Khan.

No, just Kenneth. Fine.

Good night, Chief Ken. Good night,
Lorna.

Night, Dylan.

Jesus, you better.

My bad. Sorry.

Wow. Dylan sure does love to masturbate.

Wow.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to
sleep. I'm so excited for the launch.

Dale, if I was to ask you to do
something that was bad for you, like, I

don't know, eat raw pork, would you do
it?

I have to hand me the sausage.

You know I'd do anything for you, right?

Yeah, I do.

So when do you want me to do it?

Because I'm going to be pretty busy
tomorrow with the launch, but I might be

able to pop back a few sausages in the
morning.

That's cool.

That's a relief.

In hypothetical means.

You don't have to eat the sausage.

Oh. Okay. Awesome.

It's only for six months.

They'll be back before you know it.
Yeah. Sierra Leone?

Wow. Oh, it's a beautiful part of Asia.

It's Africa.

Yes, I knew that.

Anyway, you two are going to have a
great time over there.

I don't think I should bring Dale.

Oh, Jesus, it's a biggie.

Is this because he stranded you on the
Pennines? You can't stay angry at him

forever. I'm not angry.

Dale's happy here.

He'd put his life into his bar, and if I
ask him to come, he'll come. And do you

want him to come? No, I want him to
come, but deep down, even if he says he

wants to come, I know he wants to stay,
and I have to go.

I'm all over the shop here, Rach.

What is he trying to say?

Don't you do anything for me, and this
wouldn't be fair.

If I ask him to come, he'll say yes.

He's like a big, lovely... Labrador.

Even catch his frisbees in his mouth.

Yeah, that's hard.

Terrible, aren't you? It's just crazy.

Hey, guys!

Well, hi, Ken.

What are you doing here, aren't you?

Just because I've been fired means I
can't come into my own workplace

anymore. Um, yeah.

I actually swung by to see if you guys
fancy going out for a big old curry

tonight.

My treat. You can have a rice and a
naan.

Unlimited chutney. I mean, up to a
point, obviously, don't take the piss,

but... Yeah, all right. Sounds good,
yeah?

Great! And, Harry, probably best if we
don't invite Jane, eh?

Might be a little bit more fun if it's
just us lads.

Oh, yeah, probably better without her
anyway.

It's a fun sponge.

Oh, dear.

Things not going great with Jane.

She's cracking the whip, mate.

She won't even let us watch The Good
Wife in the office anymore.

We're all out of think.

No one doesn't even know we'll die.

What? That is a shame.

An office needs fun, guys.

But then, that is Jane, isn't it?

Cruel. Harsh.

Dour.

Joyless. Really kills the mood in any
room, doesn't she? Yeah, like a fart in

her lip.

But the Germans will keep re-electing
her.

Won't they?

You've got to hand it to the woman.
She's... Hello, Jane.

Ken, what are you doing here? I thought
you'd be at home watching daytime telly

and payday lola.

Ken's taking us for a curry tonight.

Great.

I'll stick it in the diary.

Glad you can make it.

I know what you're doing, Ken.

Excuse me? If you think you can buy your
job back with a chicken korma, and yet

even more ridiculous than you look, see
you tonight.

Of course she would order a coma.

Hey, Dio.

Hey, Steve.

What's in the box?

Oh, high-class beachside tiki bar dress
code.

Bikinis, budgie smugglers, perfect for
that beachside vibe.

All free.

Lost property from the local leisure
centre.

That's genius.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I can't believe we're finally ready.

Ah, we're more than ready.

Box of swimwear.

And the cheapest strippers in the
Midlands booked.

Boom! Boom.

I just wish Chief Ken was going to be
here to see it. Also, it's still no to

the strippers.

Well, Ken isn't coming.

Is it something I said?

Ah, I wasn't there enough for him.
That's it, isn't it? No, he's just made

plans. Okay, I took my eye off the ball.
Connie was back, and we had a trial on

separation.

Thirteen days in a travel lodge,
round-the-clock lovemaking and rolling

news. Tell Ken I can change.

Right, but it's not you.

Huh? He's just organized a curry for a
bunch of people at his office.

Curry? Yeah. Oh, sorry.

He needs to get his job back.

I get it.

I just really wish he was going to be
here so I could propose to Rachel and...

He could see that I'm worthy of marrying
his daughter. It's your marriage

material. I'll marry you in a shot.

Just say the word.

No.

Unless... No, you're right. Never will.

Hey,

don't worry about Ken.

I'll sort it out.

Nina, it's Rachel.

Rachel, hi.

The Sierra Leo vacancy.

That's still open, right?

God, yeah.

I cannot begin to tell you how fucked it
is over there. Like, really fucked.

I'd like to take it. Fab. Can you get
the embassy in London tomorrow morning

for nine?

Only otherwise I'll have to find someone
else.

Tomorrow? It wouldn't mean going
tonight.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can. Good, because, and again, I
cannot stress this enough.

They are fucked.

Goodbye. Yeah, bye.

There's no keyhole.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Done and done.

Evening.

I smell it, Lorne.

They hate Jane and they want big Ken
back.

It's going to be mutiny on the bargy.

Come on, that was good.

You shouldn't have to do this. You're
better than them.

Where's that big, sexy tree of a man who
wanted to change the world through

affordable tax and property law?

He's tired, Lorne.

You don't need them.

You could work for yourself. Maybe even
start your own firm.

What?

I can't just go round setting up a new
Litchfield law firm.

Are you out of your mind?

It would be quite easy. Don't you just
register at a company's house?

Don't you do not, Claudia.

There are forms to be signed.

Signed in triplicate.

Oh, well.

Where is he?

Do you not work with Ken?

Yes, why?

There's been a change of plan.

He wants you all to meet him somewhere
else.

Where?

It's a surprise.

Come on.

Why isn't it you?

I'm your Uber.

Chop-chop.

Come on, chop-chop. You missed the fun.

Come on, Missy.

Oh, my God.

Pop a thumbs, please.

All the chips.

It's amazing, really.

I mean, Litchfield is the shittest place
on earth.

And he opened a bar in the shittest part
of it. Just be nice, dinner. Dale needs

our support.

It's like shit squared.

And Rachel's leaving him. She's not
leaving him. It's only for six months.

I mean, you're not supposed to say
anything.

Rachel's going to talk to him after the
launch.

The launch of the world's shittiest...
...bar.

Welcome to Old Steve's Town!

Hey, guys.

It is so amazing. I knew you could do
it, bro.

It's really good, Dale.

There is so much funny in here. I don't
know how you do it.

Neither do I.

Where's Rachel?

She's not coming.

Why? I can't tell you why, Dale.

Okay, fine.

But you didn't hear it from me.

Okay. She's packing her bags and leaving
tomorrow morning. She's going to Vieira

Leone. She's leaving?

She didn't want to tell you tonight
because she didn't want to ruin your

launch. Well, smart move. It totally
has.

She's so perceptive.

But wait.

Rachel has to be here.

I mean, all of this is to show her how
committed I am. I'm only doing this for

Rachel. Are you? Yes.

Well, then, in that case, you have to
tell her now.

Go get her, Dale.

Go get her. I will.

All Steve's pals.

Help yourselves to swimwear from the
box.

Line them up.

Ken,

you have to get down to all Steve's pals
now. The partners are... Loan.

I can't talk now. The partners will be
here any minute.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Come on, is that here?

What?

Excuse

me!

You made it. What do you think?

What do I think?

I think I'm going to kill you. I'm not
having a figure of speech.

I can actually kill you.

It's my professional life, and you have
kidnapped my colleagues. Kidnapped is a

strong word. You kidnapped them.

You brought them to this.

Quite nice bar.

Ken, take a deep breath and drink this.

Yeah, your colleagues are here. Look,
they're having a great time.

Look, Sandeep's got a tie on his head,
Adrian's vaping, and I'm pretty sure

Noel has done a pill.

They've had three drinks all night and I
told them they were courtesy of you.

Ken!

Great night!

I can't believe you rained all day!

We missed you, big guy.

Come back to the firm!

This might be the cocktail talking.

I'll be back, Ken.

I'll be back.

I haven't had an erection in three
years, Ken!

Big guy.

Please don't go.

Oh.

You found it. Is this?

Yep.

Rachel Thompson, will you... Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Okay, just FYI, I was going to say marry
me. Yeah, I know you were. Dale, I am

not ready for marriage. We are not
ready.

Okay, but it doesn't mean you have to
leave.

I have to.

I want you to be happy.

You put... Everything into your life.
Here, the bar.

The bar?

I was only doing that for you.

Why would I want a beach bar in
Litchfield?

Ken said.

He told me I should show you that I can
be a provider and take care of you.

That's terrible advice.

Yeah, I'm starting to see that now.

Rachel, my only dream is being with you.

And if that means moving to Sierra
Leone, then great.

Really? Yes, really.

I'm coming with you, Rach.

If you want me to.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah!

Okay!

Let me pack.

Done.

Come on.

Come on, let's get a cocktail.

I can pack later.

There's a new bar I want to check out.

Apparently some hot American barman
works there.

Yeah, probably not a good idea for me to
visit a rival bar on opening night.

I got it. You're talking about old
Steve's pal?

I'm talking about old Steve's pal. Okay,
yeah, let's go.

Okay, here we go.

Having a good time, Jane?

I'm sick, Faith.

Yay!

Listen, Ken, I've seen the way the
partners are with you.

Might be good if you were to come back.

What? Are you serious?

But I need to know you'll be loyal.

You have to respect my authority. I
can't have you outside the tent pissing

in. I won't. I promise. I promise I
won't piss inside the tent. I'll piss

miles away from the tent.

You won't even notice my piss. Stop
saying piss, Ken. There is one

condition, though. If I do let you back
in, I'll look weak.

I need you to show you're loyal in front
of the others.

Right.

Bend the knee.

What?

It's not Game of Thrones, mate. Get on
your knees, beg for your old job back,

let the partners see.

Then we all get what we want.

No. No, no, no, no.

You are not begging to this.

Help me, Dylan. You're good at horrible
insults. Bitch?

Yeah. This bitch.

No, I'm so sorry about my wife. She
appears to be hammered. No, Ken.

I've had enough of this. Dog's dick?

Dog's dick? Treating you like you're not
good enough?

Now, you listen to me.

My husband's a... Ten-foot bellend? No.

My husband's a great man.

And he doesn't need you, Jane.

And he doesn't need your bloody twatty
little firm.

He needs... Statins? He needs... To...
chase his dreams.

He's starting his own firm.

Am I?

Yes. Yes, Ken.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I'm not standing for this.

Have either, Jane.

Yeah. Oi, that's my one.

See you later, you Jane in the arse.

I am starting my own firm.

I love you, Ken.

Right.

Drinks are on the house.

One round of the house special cocktail,
the Flaming Ken.

Flaming Ken?

It's tall and it's fiery.

It's got balls.

Cheers, mate. Big balls. Balls you can
hold in your hands. Balls that get the

job done. The best damn balls in the
whole of Balls Town.

Fuck off.

Flame up!

Is it a good idea to have so many naked
flames in a largely bamboo bar, Steve?

That fire's fucking beautiful, man.

Oh, thank God. Get in there, quick.

Oh, they're not real firemen, Ken.

They're strippers.

Thanks for coming anyway, guys.

They do this amazing routine with a hose
pipe and a glove. Never mind that.

Your bar's on fire.

You know, all Steve's powers, Ken, it is
never going to work.

So I decided to accidentally burn the
place down.

The insurance payout on this baby is
going to be huge.

But you put in so much effort to make
the place work.

Deniability, Lorna, deniability.

I mean, what kind of nutbag goes through
all that effort just to burn the place

down on purpose?

My God, you're a sucker.

Thank you, Ken.

Coming from you, that means a lot.

What happened?

Ask this bloody idiot in his flaming
cans.

I'm so sorry, Dale.

It's okay. It's just weirdly sad seeing
months of hard work literally go up in

flames.

Oh, well.

Gotta keep smiling, right?

Oh, Chief Ken, me and Rach, we're going
to Sierra Leone.

What? You're going to Africa? Yeah.

And at what point did you think, oh, I
don't know, I might tell my bloody dad?

Very sudden. Also, I took your advice
and proposed, but we're not getting

married. Yeah, thanks for that, Dad.

Life coaching definitely isn't your
forte. Don't quit the day job.

You should say that, Rach.

He literally has just quit his day job.
What?

Right. Well, A, I don't know why you're
laughing, because you were very active

in that decision, and B, my actual
advice was to get a job before you get

married. But instead, you went into
business with a maniac, you opened a

cocktail bar, and now your cocktail bar
is on fire.

It's probably best that I'm not a part
of the family quite yet.

No,

you are.

You are part of the family.

Weird, messed up family.

You guys are still getting paid? Come
on!

Oh, man.

All family together.

Mum, dinner.

Oh.

Yep, everything's fine.

Now, did you know that Britain had a
hidden vampire crisis?

Yeah, apparently so. Luckily, Luke
McQueen is investigating, and it's all

available now on BBC iPlayer.