Original subtitles

Where am I?

Hello?

Hello?

Anyone?

Morning, Santi.

Morning.

New hair, Karen. Lovely.

I love the smell of Laura in the morning.

Ken. Jane. What's going on?

I don't know.

What do you think is going on? I think you're coming to the office ignoring the

fact that you've been suspended, hoping we'll let it go out of some sense of

British awkwardness.

Well, you're way off.

You're in serious danger of losing your job permanently.

No, you are. Look, I really think... Can this wait?

I've actually got quite a lot to be getting on with. No, you really don't.

No one likes you, Jane.

Everyone says they're around the water cooler.

Ken, you left me with no choice.

I'm calling a board meeting for 4pm to decide your future.

You'll have ten minutes to plead your case.

Then I will see you in court.

It won't be in court. It's in the boardroom. It's a turn of phrase, Jane.

Told you it wouldn't work.

It was your idea.

Go in there with your head held high, you said. No-one will question your

natural authority, you said. I even took her back lunch. I didn't think you were

actually going to do it. Now I have to go back in at 4pm today and beg for my

job at this great lawyer dodging former colleagues in the supermarket before

ending up glued to his sofa in a soiled man nappy.

I'm so sorry, love.

But if you've got nothing to do till four, how about you take the car back?

What? Well, you said yourself the monthly payments are killing you. And

now you don't have a job.

I might still have a job. Yeah, but it's looking a bit shaky.

Ken, it's a little excessive.

The hands-free, the onboard computer you don't know how to use, the snazzy cup

holder. Isn't it all a bit midlife crisis?

No. A Volvo XC90 is not a midlife crisis. And I do know how to use that

computer. I just need some more practice.

Lorna, I didn't get a Vespa. I'm having a bloody cup holder.

All right, Mum, you ready?

Yep. Fucking hell, dressed by 11?

You must have raced through your morning dump.

You can be high and mighty with me, young man, when you're doing something

more virtuous than flogging phones to morons. Erm, I think you mean valuable

customers, Dad. No, they're buying a phone off you. They're a moron.

Well, at least I'm bringing home the bacon.

Tell you what, treat yourself with something nice.

I know.

Oh, he thinks he's won. You think you've won!

Well, you haven't.

I've got your 20 pounds and I will buy myself something nice.

That's weird. What's weird, Chief Gann?

Rachel hasn't made a move on Words With Friends.

I'll be still reeling from my crippling deployment of Zygote on a triple point

score. She's not reeling. She's just got no reception in the Pennines.

In the Pennines?

Yeah. It's a mountain range.

I know what the Pennines are, Dale. Why is Rachel there?

Because I put her there.

It's the closest place to the outback I could find. What?

Nothing like the outback. Nowhere in the UK is like the outback. Well, I mean,

there are parts of Kent.

But my point is, why have you stranded my daughter in the outback? The Pennines

are a walkabout.

When Aborigines search for answers, they strand themselves in the outback.

So, are you saying that... Okay, start from the beginning?

It's pretty simple, Ken.

So, Rachel said she needed more space to think about her path in life.

So I found the place in England with the most space there is.

And then I deserted her there.

Please tell me with food and water and... No, with nothing.

Oh, my God.

Hi, it's Rachel.

Sorry I can't get to the phone right now. Please leave... Quick!

So now I have to go and rescue Rachel from the Pennines.

And you've picked the day where I have a meeting to decide the fate of my career.

Oh, come on, Ken. I couldn't have predicted that.

Let's face it, you haven't had a lot of meetings recently.

Get in the car!

Oh, come on.

Come on!

Fuck him.

Dylan.

Promise me this had full coverage.

It means you found the Walkman. And pressed play.

And had the headphones on when you did that. Kudos.

You said you wanted space, so I gave it to you. But I also gave you much more. A

double-sided cassette and my voice covering topics like spiritual lessons

I've learned to keep you company as you find your way back to me.

So, keep listening.

The Aborigine.

Using the mucus from a kangaroo pouch.

But it was only ever in his mind.

That's not a knife.

This is a knife.

But when you are lost, Rachel, you need to give yourself to the universe, and

the universe will provide salvation.

It may come in a strange form, a form you didn't expect, like the form

of a spirit guide.

You just need to reach your hand out and grab it.

Thank God I found you.

I'm lost.

Can you help me, please?

Fucking hell.

This was supposed to be getting away from it all.

Two days I've got in the past five years just to be on my own. No kids, no

terrapins, no sex addiction therapy sessions.

What's that?

It's my kindle mint cake.

And no, you can't have any.

Please.

Fine. If you really are lost, I shall be your guide.

But only to the car park of the A515.

This

is

great, Chief Kent.

Just two guys on the open highway.

We're not on the highway, Dale.

We're on the A515.

I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

I was just following your advice, Ken.

How's that got anything to do with me? You were the one who told me I need to

grow up, so I started to do what you do.

Watch documentaries on BBC4 all day. And that's where I learned about the

Aborigines. Pretty easy to connect the dots, Ken.

Nothing here connects, Dale.

I'm just trying to help.

Oh, really?

If you want to do something to help... Tell me what hill she's on. I'll enter

into this fat mouth.

I don't know, Ken. There are a lot of hills.

I mean, the outback is a pretty big place.

The Pennines is not the outback.

That kind of depends on your point of view. No, it depends on geography.

When you think about it, aren't we all just geography?

Oh, for God's sake.

I can fix it.

Leave it. I can fix it. Bloody leave it.

Wait. What?

You want to be helpful?

Yes. Get the iPad out of the back. Use the app. Maybe we can track her phone.

Oh, yes!

We're here to do our chief, Ken. You are a huge man with a huge brain.

Okay. All right.

Yep,

I found her.

Okay. And she's close.

She's on the A515. Okay, good. We're on the A515.

Heading north. All right.

Okay, we're heading north.

Dale.

Which junction is she off?

She's just passing junction 17.

Okay. Do you think there's a chance that you're tracking that iPad now?

Yes, I have done that. Right.

Well, I'm going to have to do something I never thought I would do.

Run that 5G?

No, I'm going to do that.

I'm going to call Dylan and ask for his help.

Computer.

Call Dylan.

Phone Dylan.

Fuck. Dylan, phone Dylan.

Phone Dylan.

Dylan Thompson.

Fuck it.

Are you, like, a real person, right?

My tape says something about spirit guides, and I know you're not a real

spirit guide, but I'm having boyfriend troubles, and I just...

I wondered if you could, you know, while we're here, Debbie, just tell me what to

do with my life.

I'm not a spirit guide.

I'm just a lone woman wandering the hills who found you in the mist in your

moment of need.

And I'm aware that what I just said makes me sound like a spirit guide, but

I'm not. So can you just be quiet for at least the rest of the time we spend

together?

No, phone for now. How can... It's Dad.

I'm ringing from the hands-free in the car.

Is that supposed to impress me or something?

Well, frankly, yes.

Listen, Dale has stranded your sister in the wilderness for reasons that are

impossible to fathom.

What, like a sort of walkabout?

Exactly.

You told her off, right?

Yeah, you bet I did.

Totally rinsed her. We call it the mug package.

Right, I'm not sure you should be quite so proud of that.

Says you.

They let me ring the big bell.

Look. Can you locate her phone?

But that's a service I can only really offer a customer.

Or, as you might say, a moron.

Right. We do have some amazing packages, Mr Thompson.

OK, what's the cheapest contract you've got?

£12.99 a month.

But unfortunately, we're out of stock.

Oh, sounds like your phones are really flying off the shelves. What's

happening? Encourage him. We do, however, have our top phone in stock.

That's just £50 a month with a small upfront charge of just £89.99.

Just find your sister's phone. No problem.

Just hold the line for one second, please.

Sorry about that, Mr Thompson.

It looks like Rachel's phone is out of reception.

I'll let you know when she comes online.

Right, so this whole thing was just one giant waste of money.

Not for me.

Just made salesman of the week.

Computer, hang up immediately.

Yeah, sometimes.

I really hate my own son.

I can still hear you, Dad.

Good.

Oh, finally.

Nina?

Rachel, finally.

Are you in a wind tunnel?

No, it's a bad line.

Oh, OK.

Well, look, a job's come up, a real one, with hungry kids and buckets and

everything. That's exactly what you wanted.

And, like, the kids are really, really hungry.

Oh, that sounds amazing.

Where is it?

It's in Sierra Nevada.

Or Leone.

I forget.

The African one.

I'm going to need another pretty suit because... Nina?

Nina, I can't hear you.

I'll call you back.

Zygote. Oh, Dad, you monster.

Jane. Board members.

I can only apologise for my behaviour.

It does not reflect who I am.

Those of you who know me best will know me as a good man.

And someone who should have won Lawyer of the Year, but... Dingo!

Dale. It's another sheep.

And I'm trying to rehearse my speech here.

Sorry, Chief Ken, you're just not really holding my attention.

God, you are more like your father than you realise.

Did he like dingoes too?

Please, listen.

You are intending to marry my daughter. A fact that, through some elaborate form

of Stockholm Syndrome, I've come to accept.

But for the sake of my sanity, I need to know that you can hold a normal

conversation with me, your potential father-in-law. So, please, no dingoes,

no walkabout.

Talk to me like a human being.

Okay. This is going to be exciting. Okay.

What are we going to talk about?

Well, did you watch the rugby?

You lost me, Kevin. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, at last. Dylan, computer, answer the phone. The outside temperature is five

degrees. Help.

Dad? Rachel must have walked through some reception.

I can tell you where she is.

Thank you. Some good news. Where is she?

I said I can tell you. I didn't say I would tell you. Oh, you little rat.

How much is this going to cost me? Just an extra £15 a month. And I'll throw in

a free Pokemon phone case.

Oh, cool. Oh, my God. It's a highway robbery.

It's a highway robbery.

Shut up, Dale.

Right, so I'll send over Rachel's location in a dropped pin.

You can open that on your inboard sat-nav, right?

Yeah. Yes, of course I can.

The, um...

Hairbag disabled.

It is a bit weird.

I met you, now I've been offered this job.

Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something?

But if it is, it's telling me to leave the man of my dreams, and do I really

want to do that?

Do you know what I think?

Your choices in life, they don't really matter.

Really? Yeah.

I'm never going to see you again. I don't give a shit what you do.

That is not nice.

Must be human settings.

Map.

Oh, maybe it's this one.

Oh, no, that's the car seat. Okay.

Wow.

It goes backwards and forwards with the touch of a button. Oh, my God.

Back, forwards, back.

It stopped working. Oh, well done.

There.

Oh, no.

Jesus Christ.

What? She's the other side of the tenine.

I'm never going to make the meeting now.

And we need petrol.

Oh, God.

That's it. It's over.

Jane is going to jump on this like a dingo. No, not like a dingo.

We're going to be out on the street.

I mean, this is a spacious car, but will it house an entire family?

Oh, my God.

I'm sweating.

I'm shaky.

That's your massage seat, Ken. I'm going to die.

I'm going to die in a petrol station on the A515.

I need to get some air.

Chief Ken, take a deep breath, okay? We got this.

We can find Rachel and make it back in time for your meeting if we multitask.

I'll do the gas, you go inside, get yourself a nice relaxing pasty, okay?

I'm not going to be placated by a pasty, Dale.

I'll do that hot steak and potato chunks surrounded by delicious flaky pastry are

going to make things better.

Honestly.

Yeah, I might get a pasty, actually. Yeah.

I'm going to use Dylan's 20 to do it.

Yeah!

advice, Rachel.

It's that koala milk, while tempting, will drive you.

Sid, if you're listening to this, it means I'm dead.

It's probably because of zombies.

Hit it, Dylan!

Would you please just give me a bit of that?

No! I am lost.

Okay, here, but also here.

And whether you like it or not, destiny has tricked us together.

Oh, will you just give me a break?

Rachel, I want you to take this.

Chuck it in the bin, will you?

I still don't understand why it

stopped.

I mean, I put so much diesel in it.

I can see you're upset, Ken, but I was only trying to help.

Like you tried to help Rachel by stranding her in the wilderness.

And you helped Sid by cutting off his foreskin.

And you encouraged me to buy that pasty that you knew I'd eat too quickly and

give myself indigestion. Okay, I put my hands in the air, Ken.

I've made mistakes, okay?

I promise you, I will learn from them and I will never make the same mistake

twice. No.

You'll probably make new ones and outdo yourself.

Look, Dale, you're a nice bloke.

But that means you get away with a lot. And sometimes, honestly, I can't help

but wonder if you're not just a bloody idiot.

Oh, not that. I can't bear that.

Dale, not the bottom lip.

Oh, don't cry.

Look, I didn't mean it.

It's not what you said, she's gay.

It's that you're right.

I am an idiot.

And I'm not worthy of Rachel.

And if she does live through this... She's going to live through this. I'm

going to tell her, if I'm stupid enough to put diesel in your petrol car, then

we shouldn't get married.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's an easy mistake to make, son. Anybody could have made it.

Don't go breaking up over this, lads.

What? Listen, I've been married 34 years, and I can tell you, happiness is

a hard thing to come by.

Especially for a man of your age and shape.

With a lovely young lad like this.

As beautiful as he is.

Thank you. Hold on to it.

Don't let it go with a tank full of diesel.

All fixed.

Good as new.

You know the cup holder's broken.

I know the cup holder's broken!

At your destination.

Fine.

Rachel!

Rachel!

Oi! Oi! She's over there!

Rachel, I'm so sorry.

You bloody should be.

I needed time to think, not some kind of non-consensual Duke of Edinburgh.

Yeah, it's like Chief Ken says, I'm not really good at anything.

Except maybe capoeira.

Oh, totally batshit, Dale.

But what's good to have some space?

It's been really good, actually.

I'm very glad you're safe, love. Oh, thank you.

Well, actually, you've got someone to thank for that.

A stranger who I weirdly thought was a spirit guide for a while.

Guys, I'd like you to meet...

Right.

Can we get on the road?

What happens, Nathan?

I think we can make it if I put this thing into sports mode.

I can't believe what happened.

This is the man of your dreams.

It's 5.30, they're probably all in the baker's arms by now.

Jane, it's Ken.

Listen. Where on earth are you? We're all waiting.

Yeah, I know. Look, you've probably realised by now I'm not going to make

the meeting.

I am so, so sorry.

Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry.

You see, my daughter was in danger, and I made the choice to prioritise my

family.

And I take those principles to work every day, and I represent the underdog,

the working man.

You dog.

Jane. I know you think I hate you. I hate you.

I don't hate you. I don't hate you.

So please.

Let's start anew and work together to build a firm where we all want to be.

Good day to you.

What a firm.

I mention we finally fire Ken Thompson.

Seconded. Approved.

Goodbye, Ken.

Fingers up.

Yes.

That doesn't do it nothing well.