Original subtitles

Unprofessional behaviour.

Damage to the reputation of the firm.

Using the public forum of the Lawyer of the Year Awards to call your colleagues

a shower of shithouses.

You're nothing but a thumper.

Eddie stole my yoghurt from the office fridge.

That's your fucking yoghurt.

I move that we suspend Ken Thompson from the firm for a period of one month.

All in favour of suspension?

Three. All against?

I make that four.

Oh, well, thanks, everyone.

I must say. What's going on?

What are you doing to my arm, Ken?

Shit it.

All right.

I'll go.

See you all in a month.

Oh, and Adrian, I didn't steal your yoghurt.

I stole it, and I ate it, and I loved it.

Your morning coffee, Rachel?

Oh.

Oh!

I'm good!

Your innermook's fine.

But I need to practice.

You have to know how to mix a cocktail when you're co-owner of a cocktail bar.

Yeah, can we talk about the bar?

Yes, and I know exactly what you're going to say, and I agree.

Opening this bar with Steve was a great idea.

Not what I was going to say. Dale, it's a terrible idea!

It's the worst idea anyone in this house has ever had, and I'm including Dylan.

Uh, excuse me, what terrible ideas have I ever had? Uh, hello?

Hand your butt a funeral?

Fair enough.

I know what'll put your mind at rest. Calling Steve?

No. Getting your money back? Uh-uh. Going back in time and not investing

your savings into a Litchfield cocktail bar?

No. I'm going to take you by the sight, show you the magic.

Once you see all Steve's pals, you'll get it.

Uh, Lorna?

Any reason why our son is dressed as a girl?

It's what he wanted to wear.

I know, but come on, look at him. Ken, you are such a dinosaur.

Children's clothes, their toys, they're all gender neutral now.

No, and that's broadly great, but I mean, come on, Dylan, you're with me on

this, right?

Actually, Dad, society's moved on since the Dark Ages.

This thing called political correctness happened.

You might want to look it up, you big fat bender.

Right. OK, I haven't got time for this, if you would. Do not forget, the

interview for the nursery's at one.

Do I have to come? Yes, Ken.

This nursery is the dog doodah of nursery.

They had a waiting list to get on the waiting list. They bake bread every day,

Ken. They learn French, don't they, sweetheart?

French, Ken.

Good, because I've been worried sick about Sid's conversational vocab. If

Jane doesn't let you out for this... It's fine.

I can get out. It'll be fine.

Everything at work is fine.

Stop with all the questions, Laura, will you? I'm lacing up as I did.

I think you look lovely, sweetheart.

Bye.

You're gonna love it. Uh-huh.

Yep.

You really have to pass a lot of heroin addicts to get here. I know, right? It's

crazy. People in this neighborhood seem to really love heroin. I don't know why.

So, what do you think?

What am I looking at?

That. All Steve's found.

Don't worry, it's a lot nicer inside.

Ta-da!

Go on!

Get out!

Go on! Shoot!

Shoot! There's no heroin in here. Go on.

Howdy,

business partner.

Howdy, girlfriend, slash step-mum of business partner.

Glad you're here, Rachel. I need a woman's insight.

If you were a cocktail waitress, would you rather be topless or wrestling?

I think I'd rather be suing.

Right.

Before the licensing meeting, who fancied the latest cocktail from the

production line?

I've been trying out recipes.

Here's a text to USP. The cocktails are all Steve's pals, are named after high

-profile, glamorous figures from the Midlands. Great idea, right?

Sure is.

Yeah, but... Yeah. This one is the Dion Dublin.

OK.

Oh. Well, the taste of being absolutely shit-faced in the morning. How strong is

that? 75% proof.

You don't get 183 career goals without having a kick.

Now, this one is a potent mix of gin, vodka, absinthe, coffee and Ribena. I

call this the Julie Waters.

Tuck in.

Oh, no, I quite like Mr. McLining, thanks.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't before the licensing meeting.

Don't want to screw that up. Can you imagine? All of a sudden, no licence, no

bar, all of our money back.

Actually, thinking about it, if you're going to run a bar, you need to know the

drink. Go on.

Right, but I don't drink.

Day-o, day-o, day-o, day-o, day-o, day-o, day-o. You know I can't resist a

chair. Day-o, day-o, day-o, day-o.

Yeah.

I feel like my tongue's been attacked. I saved Julie for you.

More, more, more, more, more, more, more.

Yeah!

We offer three meals a day. Great.

You won't even have to bother whopping a sausage and mash on for him. All the

food here is strictly vegan and ethically sourced.

Oh, it's a vegan.

We all are.

I make a mean vegan sausage and mash with vegan sausages and vegan potatoes.

I'm so sorry my husband's late.

I'll just get the forms.

Where the hell have you been?

Why have you got popcorn all over your feet?

It's a lawyer thing. He wouldn't understand.

Um,

can we maybe get all that crap off? Leave him. He's happy in it.

Sorry I'm late. Hope you're not going to put me on the naughty step.

We prefer not to use negative labels here. We prefer to use positive

reinforcement.

My bad.

Please don't use the B word.

But he's won a party.

Okay, so we'll move on to the next question.

Will there be alcohol sales at the aforementioned premises?

Yeah, obviously.

This thing is going to be huge, let me tell you.

Everybody's going to be like, hey, have you been all Steve's pals?

And they'll be like, what's all Steve's pals? And they'll be like, oh, jeez,

only the best damn cocktail bar in all Litchfield.

Duh!

Dale, you come across as drunk.

I'll field that question.

There will be alcohol.

Would you like a sneak preview?

I've got a fresh bottle of Adrian Childs.

No, thank you.

You freaking get it.

This right here, this is what it's all about. Man.

You.

You get it, Frank.

Okay, listen.

Can I be Frank, Frank?

Frank, Frank.

That's hilarious.

See, this is why you get it, exactly.

Everybody else in this council, they don't get it, but...

You, you get it, yeah, yeah.

It says on the application that the premises will be an indoor beach bar.

Correcto, Franco.

All Steve's pals will be the ultimate in Miami-style high-class beach bars.

Have you seen the video Club Tropicana? It's basically going to be that, but

with topless dancers.

So... There will be entertainment on site.

Oh, Steve's house is all about entertainment.

Dancers, swing balls, dueling. It's a lot.

Dale.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carry on, carry on. I'm listening. I just really needed to

go. Okay, I think we're done here. Thank you.

All right. Sorry, I'm back.

So, when do we get the license?

Also, do you know what color the license is? And do you want to get a kebab? I'm

so hungry.

The license has not been granted.

There must be something we can do anything, please like you just we really

need this life

Perhaps if it was worth my while.

There are ways to grease the wheel.

This could go easier if I got my slice of the pie.

Seriously.

Here's my card. I'm just going to write a few random letters on the back.

B-R-I-B-E.

Frank. Sorry, I just remembered the whole Frank Frank thing from earlier.

Great times.

Alright, um, if you don't mind, I just, I'm gonna have to go vomit, but it was

really nice meeting you.

I'll be honest with you, I'd love to find Sid a place here.

We've never had a transgender child before.

Sorry? I know, strictly speaking, there aren't any places available, but between

you and me, I've been holding back a space for a non-cis child for the last

three years.

OK. I think there's been a bit of a mistake.

That's great, Francis.

It's great to find a place where Sid can be who Sid wants to be.

My daughter goes here, and I think she'd really get along with Sid. They're such

similar spirits.

Sid's having a birthday party tomorrow.

Just bring her along.

I'd love to.

Numbers on the back of the card.

OK, Lorna, can I have a word, please, in private?

OK, we are not pretending that Sid is transgender.

I don't know he isn't. We're pretty sure, actually.

He's a really good nursery kid.

Good Lord, no.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Can everyone just hold on a minute? OK.

Shut this down and you will never, ever have sexual intercourse again in your

apple life.

Great. See you tomorrow.

Bye. Bye.

OK, Sidney.

Where are you? Oh!

I'm not so sure what birthday cake really says gender fluid, so I just went

for plain sponge.

It's got no item.

Maybe I should text Frances, see what she said.

No.

She'll think we're amateurs.

Mental, mental amateurs. Oh, I wanted to know from your office when I was there.

What?

You know he lies, don't you?

He can't be trusted. He's pathological.

He told me he invented the smartphone.

He's a lunatic.

It was weird.

He asked me to say hi to you.

That is weird.

Probably best not to dwell on it. I told him to bring Alfie over to the party

tomorrow. Why would you do that?

Him and Sid get on. They're toddlers, Lorna. Of course they get on. Sid gets

on with a mad woman with a cat at number 14. Should we invite her too? Oh, look

what I've got for Sid.

The bell of the ball.

OK, this is going too far, Lorna.

Yeah, I know.

Maybe it doesn't matter about what nursery you go to. I mean, Dylan didn't

go to a good nursery and he turned out fine.

How was your day, love?

Um, amazing.

I never realised they still have to pay you when you're using the toilet.

It's like every time I'm sat on that toilet, they're actually paying me to do

it. I mean, I need to go for one now, but there is no chance I'm wasting a

dump at home when someone will literally pay me to shit.

The daft twat.

Yeah, as you were, Lorne. Here.

Everything OK?

Oh, bad news, guys. The alcohol licence fell through.

No cocktail bar.

Oh.

Oh, that's a shame.

And the council guy, he was saying some pretty weird things.

Something about making it worth his while and having a slice of pie.

Like, what does that even mean?

I don't know. It means he wants to bribe you, dickhead. Just bung him some money,

you'll get your license.

You're saying if I bribe him, the bar is back on?

Yes! What?

Yes!

That is the best news ever!

Gosh, not in the stomach, Rach.

I've got a lot packed in there right now.

This is so exciting. My final five grand.

Wait, this whole bribe thing, it's all above board, right?

No, it's a bribe.

Right, yeah.

This is how things get done in the dirty world of entertainment.

We are like the Cray Twins.

We don't take shit from anything.

Oh, come on.

You are literally taking shit from someone.

I'm very disappointed in you.

Sorry.

Have a lovely day.

Don't be nice to people.

You're taking the whole planet on this bribing trip.

Prick!

Bye.

I've managed to get

Sid into the dress.

He says he wants to be Spider-Man. Good work.

Lorne, is it wrong that we're doing this? It feels massively wrong.

Peggy, maybe actually by doing this we're being great parents.

By helping him to overcome prejudice.

Yeah, that's bollocks though, isn't it?

No! Lorne, how's it going?

I don't know.

Lorne, could you check on Sid? I think he was playing with Fizzlet in the

bedroom. Yeah.

Hey, old nut big guy. The office isn't the same without you. Come on then.

Yeah.

Can we have a moratorium on work talk?

Today's really about the kids, isn't it?

Yeah, it's awful what they've done. I'm dead against the suspension, Ken. I want

you to know that. And I want Lorna to know the same. Right, okay. Well, we

don't need to tell her. It'll only upset her, okay? I should have tried harder to

stop this.

Oh, what?

Uh, private conversation?

That's actually quite rude, thank you, Lorna. In you go, Noel. Have a nice

time.

This is Gently.

Hello. Now you go and play with Sid, okay?

Oh, what a darling dress.

Yes, yes, it's his favourite.

I can't get it off him.

Not that I want to. No, it's great.

Come in.

Oh, this is for Sid. It matches his dress.

This is it.

The license officer's house.

Time to make him an offer he can't refuse.

All the technicals he can.

I

don't think he's

in.

Steve.

Just post the bribe and let's get out of here.

That's it. We're done.

We are bribers now. Yeah.

Wait.

Do we still have the money?

Oh, he posted.

Yep.

I posted the dog. Oh, for fuck's sake.

We'd already had a boy and a girl, which is so binary.

Then Sid came along.

Mini burger.

Come on, Sid. Wow.

And these are vegan.

Lorna, they're sublime.

Yep, vegan.

Vegan beef.

You'll have to give me the recipe.

Uh-huh.

Lorna, just to say, I know you're angry about this. Game time, everyone.

Musical statues, everyone, and the adults.

And you know, it's a party.

Come on.

And everybody's dancing.

Dancing.

Yeah,

I would say.

No talking in the game. Thank you, Noel. In fact, you can leave the game. You're

out. Away from Lorna. Over there, please.

That's it.

Off we go.

I can't reach it There's an open skylight on the roof

anyone think for it our parkour up the side of the house flip up onto the roof

and East my way in.

Let's do this.

Oh!

Good news is I got the bag.

Bad news, poop's still in the house.

There's a window open.

Give me a leg up. I can get in here.

Are you sure?

Dale, I'm effectively special ops.

They call me the Eon. I can glide into any space. Come on.

Give me a leg up.

Flip me over.

Flip me over.

Flip.

That's it.

Now push.

Keep pushing.

Keep pushing.

Whoa. You carry a lot of chains.

I like arcade.

Keep pushing.

You okay?

I ground broke my phone.

It's going to black out for a bit.

And a lot of pain.

And a lot of pain.

Boo,

you did a poo-poo.

Hi, Ken.

Hi. Couldn't help noticing that you only gave a prize to the winner of musical

statues.

Yeah, because they've won.

Just worried that the others might associate themselves with failure.

Negative reinforcement.

Good point.

I'll get some medals made up for all of them.

Great.

Thanks, Ken.

Ken, is this the way I can change in? Oh, yeah. Just use that room at the end

of the corridor.

Cheers.

Rachel,

where's your mum?

Oh, she's in my room changing, Sid.

Are you going to do it now?

Yeah. Why not stay here for a bit?

Because my son needs changing.

What are you doing, Kev?

Why don't I change him for you?

What? No, I'd really, really like to, and it is my house. I'll change my own

son, thanks. No, no, I insist.

Come on, little fella.

Oh, jeez.

What's he been eating? Fish heads? Can you let go of his hand, please?

What is this?

Is it a nanny state?

Can't a man change another man's son's nappy?

Hey!

No, we can't. What's going on?

Ken's being weird.

Suffered to change his son.

Nothing weird.

You're being weird, Ken.

Look at you.

I know you're under a lot of pressure at work, but come on. If you need to change

anyone, change your own son. What sort of pressure at work?

I think you should leave, actually, Noel. You can't say that.

Thinking I should change my son just because he's wearing a dress.

That's not what I meant.

It's not the Dark Ages. I think you should go right now.

Without speaking to Lorna. Personally, I think it's inspirational the way Ken and

Lorna have decided to raise Sid. Thank you. I'm not having a go at the dress.

He can wear what he wants.

Daddy made me wear it for nursery.

Is that true?

I can't believe you would fake a child's gender identity just to get into a good

nursery.

We've done a lot worse.

Come on, Jessie.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, don't forget your party bags.

Two bunches, please. And can the message say, sorry we tried to trick you into

thinking our child was transgender to gain a nursery place?

Yeah, maybe just sorry.

Yeah, just sorry.

As soon as possible, please.

We can smooth this over.

How are we doing out there, Dale?

One knock for fine, two knocks for someone's coming.

Three knocks, so Connie called you and she wants me back.

Come on, three.

I'll get the mock roll to wrap it up.

No, Dale.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. You're a briber now.

Just as I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

Hi, ma'am.

I'm Dale. Do you need some help?

Wow. You have a lot of shopping.

So many bags for just two people.

Hi. Steve Chance.

Don't worry about that. A dog did that.

This is a memory for you.

Take care.

And if you're up for more, head online to BBC3 now.

And you can catch the latest Breaking the News podcast online and on BBC

iPlayer Radio, recorded live at the Edinburgh Festival.