Original subtitles

Mm-hmm.

Hey,

uh,

hi, guys.

Hey, man.

Oh, sorry.

I think I'm in love.

I think I'm in love She's gonna be lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve

I've been nominated.

Chief Ken, best lawyer in the country.

Well, it's Litchfield.

Litchfield Lawyer of the Year. Oh, got it. So it's not half as big of a deal as

I thought.

Well, still, Chief Ken, I'm excited for you to collect your prize.

Meagre though it may be.

Every year we just get drunk and bored at that fancy black tie-do. This will

give it all meaning. Right.

It's our charity that runs that ceremony.

Me and Nina work very hard to get you drunk, Mum.

Well, at least I do.

Nina networks.

Network Nina.

OK, Mum.

Move your arse. Dylan, your father has been nominated for an award.

Oh, congratulations.

Loser of the year.

It's great you're finally getting recognised.

Right, you work in phone sales.

Your monthly wage couldn't buy a Mars bar and you're getting a lift to work

with your mother.

Yeah, money's tight, but he's not scrimping on air gel, is he? Well, I

can't help being a baller, Rach.

God gave me balls and I ball with them.

Do you think your balls might give me some rent sometime?

Do you think you might suck my balls? Dylan!

You should have let me hit him when he was smaller.

I bloody should have done it.

Oh, I love him.

Hey, doll.

She can.

Could I accompany you to work? I just, I have a small matter to discuss.

All right, OK. Hop to it, then. You can take that.

OK.

This award's really changed things.

Jane has been totally undermining me since I got back from paternity leave.

It would be nice to remind people about who is senior partner and who is not

senior partner.

You are senior partner, Chester. You know I am, right?

Dale, are you all right?

You don't seem to be your usual sickeningly cheerful self.

Me? Yeah, everything's fine.

I'm absolutely doodle dandy.

Okay.

Wait, Dale.

What the hell is going on?

And who's he?

Sorry, Chief Ken.

I have so many tummy butterflies, the words aren't coming out. All right,

we'll get on with it.

This is my workplace.

Okay, okay.

Chief Ken, I've inhabited your home for several years now, and I've recently

been joined in romantic union with your daughter, as my father was before me.

Yeah, probably better keep your stomach out of that one.

So, I was wondering, Chief Ken Thompson, would you do me the honor of

permitting me, Dale Asprick, To propose to your daughter? Is this why you're

leaving? I want to do it the traditional way. Mate, you and Rachel are great

together. Should your focus be wedding rings and you haven't got a job? And

you're sharing my bathroom?

Well, tough truth, Chief Gunn.

I clearly did not think this one through.

I don't super unlike me.

There's plenty of time to get married.

All right?

You are so right, Chief Ken.

I'm going to get the best job that has ever existed, bar none.

Then propose to your daughter and live happily ever after in Litchfield,

England.

Okay. I paid for the whole day.

Follow me.

Ah, Ken, there you are. Hi, guys. I've just seen the new Meet the Team board

out in the lobby. Two things.

One, why does my photo look like I'm drunk? And two, my motto makes zero

sense. It's the motto you wanted.

It says on the whole.

Why would I want that as my motto?

Let's see. I asked for three words that sum up your approach.

Yes, your email read, on the whole, I'd say the most important part of the

job... Yada, yada.

Obviously, I had to do an edit.

Oh, obviously.

Also, you sent your photo in the wrong format, but Noel had a snap from the

Christmas party.

Got you back, bro.

Well, that is a shame, because all of that's going to have to come down.

Is this some ego thing? No.

It's about putting our shiniest product in the shop window.

And that is me, because... Well... I have

been nominated...

For Lawyer of the Year.

Booyah.

Well, Ken, that's actually impressive.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Looks like old Ken is still quite the asset.

Oh, Ken, you know how valued you are.

Oh, look.

Now, I've been nominated too.

What?

Lawyer of the Year. We're both up for it.

That is great news.

I love that news.

All of the news becomes... That is...

The bad news.

Oh, three cheers for us, hip hip.

Hip hip?

Hooray!

So your first job was as a cult member.

Then you spent six months working for... The Triads, right.

They're an international criminal organisation specialising in drug

smuggling and extortion.

These days I'm a childminder.

Skills. Black belt kung fu, torture technique, large repertoire of nursery

rhymes. It also says here, unspecified skill. Oh yeah, right.

I

mean, do

you know what that's called? Maybe just put shoe whirly thing.

So, uh, what do you reckon?

I was thinking maybe a train driver or something in high finance?

I can put you in the system.

But my advice would be go away and work on yourself.

Really, quite a lot.

What's all this?

Such a good day. I started looking for a new job. Unfortunately, I'm not

maximalized for the job market due to the fact I possess zero education.

Problem there. No problem there, though. Because today, I found out there are

people who are wildly successful with no training or meaningful education.

They call themselves American.

And today, I read all their book.

All of these?

Yep. Dale, that's amazing.

Yeah, I only managed two this morning, but then I read one on speed reading and

the things really took off.

Rachel, I have learned the secrets of business. I learned the rules of power.

I learned the power of yes and the rules of the power of yes and the most

important thing I learned.

I can do this!

You can do what?

This! Right here. Maybe I'm already doing it. I don't know.

Dale, you don't need to rush into anything.

I'm working. We've got all that nanny money saved up. Yeah.

Mum's home.

I picked up some shampoos so we can celebrate your dad's award.

All right, Dale.

Good day.

My day was wonderful, Lorna. Thank you for asking.

Right. Something a bit different about you.

No magic to it, Lorne. Just eye contact and meticulously brushed teeth.

Rachel, that award ceremony, you have to get me into it. It's invite only.

Where do you want to go? Are you kidding me?

The top business minds in all lich fields will be there. It's the ideal

spot for me to sell my skills.

Hello, you're Ted.

She's Ted.

I'm self-actualized as a winner and business visionary.

Jane's been nominated for the award, too.

Oh. Yeah.

Once again, the universe takes a big shit on my face.

The what?

A thief.

Jane's a shoo-in. She brings all the big business to the firm. If I hadn't taken

paternity leave, she wouldn't have even been nominated.

You mark my words. Ken, you're a hero to me.

And to women everywhere.

Oh, yeah, they don't stop cheering.

Oh, God, what's my life come to?

Loads. I mean, you have three wonderful children.

I have two children that I like. And a best buddy that loves you. Oh, God.

Steve, the cavalry has arrived.

Ken's been a right old cranky pants.

Leave it to me, Lorna.

Black dog on your back, eh, Ken?

Can't blame you.

I mean, look at you.

Worthless schmoo.

Dick Dunderhead, who worked his life away for the man and didn't even get a

clock in return.

Is this supposed to be a pep talk? I'm knocking you down, Kent, and build you

back up again. Because here is how we rebuild your mojo.

A little venture I'm starting. Three words.

Directed, weaponised cocktailology.

You're opening a bar. It's more than a bar, you fool.

It's a high-class cocktail lounge for yuppies and babes. And the name? Oh,

this is going to be bad.

All Steve's Pals. Wow.

Worse than I expected. So I combine my passion for strong drink and my medical

know-how. Et voila, bespoke cocktails laced with Steve Chance's own brand of

legal high.

I'll play the boogie-woogie piano.

I'll have to learn.

Fuck.

I just need a few thousand.

Interested? No.

Not interested.

Litchfield's sexy elite do not want to buy their liquor from an insane puffin.

Your loss, not mine.

Fuck you, Kim.

So, what do you think, Nina?

Um, sorry.

You're asking if I can fix the Lawyer of the Year award so that Ken wins.

Not fix.

God, no, not fix.

OK, only you asked if I could make sure that Ken wins.

Sounds like fixing.

Just a silly award.

The judges argued over it for days. There was a secret ballot.

No-one knows who won, do they?

I mean, it might as well be Ken as anyone else.

And you're always saying what a friend he is to you. Yes, you're right.

We're best friends.

Nina, Ken's having a nightmare time at work at the moment.

Nightmare. This might be just the fillip he needs.

Ken needs a boost.

Oh, why not?

I'm loving this little female conspiracy.

Fear not, Lorna.

Ken will not go home empty-handed.

Oh, handsome.

Thank you, love. I like to look nice before I'm ritually humiliated.

Come on, glum boot.

Who knows?

You might feel weird.

Right. Where's Dale?

Oh, he ran out earlier.

Are you going to be all right with Sid?

Yeah, a piece of piss.

Letting him play on face swipe.

Kid's got good instincts.

Oh.

Uber's here.

Forward to public disgrace.

Bye, love.

See ya.

No, Sid, don't swipe right for her.

Ah, fair enough. She'll probably do stuff.

High five.

Yeah, good man.

Welcome, monsieur.

Sit yourselves down.

Steve. What, you're an Uber driver now?

I always drove a taxi at night, Ken.

Even when I was a doctor.

Sparkling water and a seat well, travel stove and eggs if you want to fix

yourself an omelette. I think we're eating at the do, Steve.

Traditional Japanese gyoku music.

So, Lorna, I've got a tasty business proposition for you.

Litchfield's premier cocktail bar, all Steve's pals.

On one side of the bar, sauna, and on the other side, an ice cream parlour.

Cold like my thinking, hot like my loins.

Yeah. This concept's changed quite a lot.

Ideas evolve, Ken.

So what do you say, Lorna? I'm talking drinks that will take your head off a

girl which will blow your mind.

Sorry, Steve.

I'm out.

No star Uber waiting for you, my friend.

Rachel, top-up time.

Do you know what? All this talking really looks like fun, but it's very

hard work.

Single-handedly keeping the whole event taking over.

That's hard work, too.

Oh, babe.

One day, you will be the boss, and you will really miss all this stress and

admin. Okay, back to the coalface, because I am Network Nina.

Golly. Nina could use some pointers on ground-level integration and leadership.

Dale.

Renato, what are you doing here?

When you said there was no way into this party, I recalled a book I read called

Don't Take No for an Answer.

You know what it's about?

Some kind of sci-fi saga?

No, it's about not taking no for an answer.

So here I am.

Look at this place.

What a networking opportunity.

Well, just as soon as I hit my stretch break and I'm allowed to move. Do me!

No talking! So sorry, my bad.

A toast to our nominees.

Jane, you've been an inspiration these last few months. Your leadership has

helped us see that a better world is within reach of us all.

To Jane!

To Jane!

And also to Ken.

Well, thank you, Noel.

Now Jane can enjoy the rest of the ceremony with a perfectly clean rectum.

Whoever wins, it will be a triumph for the firm.

Woo-hoo!

What a night. I am having an absolute ball.

Let's hear it for the human statue.

Now, let's break it down.

Tonight is the night that Litchfield honours its hero with awards

like Best Chartered Surveyor, the foremost...

in-house compliance consultant, and of course, the biggie,

Lawyer Armstrong!

Go, Jane!

Go, Jane!

But before all of that, let's take a short break.

Oi, baby, it's your break. You've got 15 minutes.

It's our job in 15 minutes.

You've got this, Dale.

Hi, everyone.

My name's Dale.

You're the business card. Nice to meet you, sir.

He's suddenly so keen to get a job.

Where's he got that idea from?

No idea.

Perfect. I mean, it probably just popped into his head.

Anyway, it's good for Dale. Maybe something in high finance?

It's important to have a career.

Is it?

I don't know if I'm just drunk, but your attitude is refreshing.

There is your salary.

Thank you, ma'am. You will not be disappointed.

This is the first step in a very exciting journey.

What happened?

Did you paint yourself all over?

Yeah, every last inch.

I wanted to be thorough.

His skin's as thick as the aching dickhead's gone and done a goldfinger.

No, no, no, I'm okay.

I got this, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Oh,

no, his skin needs to breathe.

I need to take his trousers off now.

This might hurt, soldier.

Relax, guys. The worst is over.

I'll drive him to the hospital.

Do you know what we'll come with?

I don't need to be here.

Ken, the award.

What about it? Show me my face.

You've won, okay?

What? You've won. I might have had a word with Nina.

I rigged it.

What?

Oh, you sweet, beautiful wonder. I can't believe you. You're wrong.

Dale will be fine. Go and face your public.

And don't say anything stupid.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, my wife said nothing stupid, so I'll keep it brief.

Folks.

Working at Herbert Redcliffe this past year has been a magical journey.

And beside me on that magical journey, my partners, ladies and gentlemen.

Some months ago, I went on paternity leave. I happen to be a proud feminist.

Yes, why not? Thank you.

While I was looking after my child and my wife was working, who should be

politicking behind my back?

But Jane the Snake... Yes, Jane.

You have betrayed the sisterhood.

You shower of shithouses.

It ends here.

You can't do without me now.

Because I... I'm Lawyer of the Year.

That's right. I, Ken Thompson, am Lawyer of the Year.

Read it for yourselves. I am the tallest...

Take that, I think, because... I think I should just say, just lawyer of the

year. No, tallest.

No, no, it's just... It's just lawyer of the year. No, it's tallest lawyer of the

year. It's an award I made up specifically for you.

We're such good friends, and I know that you were feeling blue, so... Oh, come,

give me a hug, you big wombat.

You're very welcome.

OK, so... Oh, wasn't that fun?

And the next award is the Litchfield Lawyer of the Year. So the winner of the

Lawyer of the Year is my best friend, Jane DeBrasia!

It'll blow over. It'll be fine.

But these things, they all seem worse than they actually are, you know?

Yeah, totally.

Yeah.

Welcome home!

Welcome home!

Wow! Someone's feeling better.

The kid just needed his blood cleaning.

Nothing Uncle Steve couldn't do with a petrol siphon and a colander. Yeah.

Now, everyone has to have a drink.

The award winner... Shut up.

Ooh, sad socks. Did something go wrong? No, I'd just like to go to bed in my

house without you here.

Well, no can do.

Even if you don't take any pleasure in your award, we still have something to

toast. Oh, yes.

We still have Dale's new job to celebrate.

Right, actually, update.

I'm not taking that job anymore.

What? How come?

Well, let's just say a better offer came along.

Oh. Oh, no.

Why do I feel scared?

Yep.

You are looking at 49% owner of all Dale and Steve's pals.

Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. We had a few cocktails when I was cleaning his blood.

Yeah, this is Steve. I pitched Dale the idea and he loved it. Yes.

Dale, what about your actual job?

Oh, that job means nothing.

I mean, 50K?

What good is a K to me?

This way, I get paid in good old British pounds.

Okay, I mean, we should probably talk about this.

Oh, well, we're going to be talking about it a lot, my love. After all, it

is where I invested my entire savings.

Steve's already got the lead.

Dale, we weren't supposed to be saving for a deposit getting out of here.

Huh? You were. Actually, I had the same concern at first, but then I talked to

Steve, and he said, actually, it's a sure and certain bet.

So, peace of mind. Peace of mind.

A drink to our success, Rachel.

Yeah, I think I need one. Lorna, Ken.

To all Dale and Steve's pals.

A bit wordy. Right.

To all... Steve's pals.

Steve's pals!

Yeah.

Oh, God. Oh.

Oh. It's against another chilli.

It's burning all the way down.

Let the journey begin.

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