Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Bob would love to see that movie.

Great, then you go see it and let

me know how it is.

If it's worth it, I'll find someone to

go with.

So you wouldn't?

Not ever.

Just checking.

Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you all,

but I was just robbed.

Don't look at me.

I mean, if you are looking at me.

No, I was on the subway.

Okay, then.

I was coming uptown on the 9 train

and it was crowded.

And when I got off, I realized that

my wallet was gone.

The 9 train?

I hate the 9 train.

Although, if you take it down to 42nd

Street, there's a guy there who does the

mambo with a life-size rag doll.

The guy?

Not so good.

But the doll?

Very talented.

See, the thing is, though, I need to

get back to New Jersey.

It's my son's birthday.

And if I don't hurry, I'm gonna miss

the last train.

So I was wondering if I could borrow

just like 8 bucks.

I understand.

Here's 10.

Keep it.

Thanks.

But I insist.

I'm definitely paying you back.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come.

Give it back.

Give back the money.

What are you doing?

Did the guy just tell you that he

got robbed on a train and he has

to get back to Jersey for his kid's

birthday?

That's exactly what he said.

How did you know?

Because I saw him pull the same stunt

a couple of days ago.

You're lying and I'm giving you money?

What, are we dating?

I think he's got me confused with somebody

else.

No, no, no, no, no.

I was at a diner down the street.

Hey!

No, it was a newsstand around the corner.

Hey!

The guy's a con artist.

He makes his living scamming suckers like you.

Hey!

I give up.

I give up.

Honestly, I don't know what he's talking about.

Why would you lie about being robbed?

Why would you lie about living in Jersey?

Yeah, the guy's a hustler.

He just needs money for booze or drugs

or, you know, whatever else he's strung out

on.

All right, I lied to you.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm no junkie, all right?

The truth is, I got laid off from

my job, got evicted from my apartment, and

my son and I have been living out

of my Pontiac Sunbird.

Sunbird, huh?

Sweet.

Look, I lied because I need money for

food to feed my kid.

There.

You happy now?

Yeah, you happy now, Becker?

Here you go.

Thank you.

You know what?

You take care.

All right, here's a little something for me,

too.

Thank you.

I better get back.

You all are very generous.

You all are very gullible.

I mean, the guy's just trying to get

a little something for nothing.

Becker, you didn't pay for your coffee.

I'll catch you later.

You know, a guy like that really makes

you think.

Yeah.

I mean, in ten minutes, he made, like,

22 bucks tax-free.

That's 132 per hour.

Eight hours a day, that's 5,280 per

week.

Minus two weeks vacation, that makes it 264K

per year.

I mean, you add 5% interest, if

he puts it in a no-load mutual

fund, that brings it to 396,000 a

year.

Guy could be living in a Beamer, easy.

Come on, please.

Don't take away our cable.

Please don't cut us off.

I need it.

My husband needs it.

I promise.

I'll get you the money.

Margaret, it's okay.

Admitting that you have a problem is the

first step.

What we've got to do now is get

you into rehab.

I was talking to the cable company.

Okay, have it your way.

How many cables do you need to get

through a day?

Cable television, Linda.

I'm having trouble paying the bill.

I'm having trouble paying all my bills.

With Lewis out of work, things are getting

tight.

I didn't know he was out of work.

I thought he was just taking some time

off to find himself.

Yeah, he's found himself.

On the couch all day, drinking Slurpees.

Oh, I love Slurpees.

You know what's really great?

When they haven't cleaned the machine for a

while, so there's like a mystery flavor mixed

in now.

And you know what else?

Could I leave early?

No, I'm leaving early.

I have an interview for a part-time

job as a home care nurse.

And I have an appointment for a French

pedicure, so what do you want to do,

flip a coin?

I want to warn you guys about something.

There's a con artist going around the neighborhood

telling some sob story about being robbed.

Don't buy it.

He's just trying to score a quick buck.

I hate that.

People should work for their money.

I mean, do they expect to get paid

for doing nothing?

Nobody seems to do their job anymore.

Ninja.

Oh, right.

Hold on.

Because in this life, if you want something,

you have to get it yourself.

Which reminds me, I'm going for Slurpees.

Anybody?

Oh, damn, I forgot my sunglasses.

I always wondered, why do you wear those

things anyway?

Well, same reason as everyone else.

They look cool.

So why the two different shoes?

Damn.

Oh, you'll never guess, you just popped out

of the liquor store.

Okay, you know what?

Enough with the euphemism.

If my fly's open, just tell me.

No, no, no, no.

The guy from the diner this morning who

was asking for the money.

Hey, buddy.

What, you got a couple of cold ones

there for the kid?

Man, you again?

No, I wasn't buying beer.

See, look.

Razors, toothpaste, soap.

You'd like to check my pockets?

Is that where you keep your kid?

Come on, John.

Cut him some slack.

It's all right.

My son happens to be around the corner

in our Buick.

I thought you said it was a Pontiac.

Yeah, what are you, live in the Pontiac,

summer in the Buick?

All right.

I lied.

Man, you are incredible.

Hey, look.

The truth is...

Oh, the truth.

Here we go.

My son, he doesn't live with me.

Lives with my ex-wife in Chicago.

I did have a job, all right?

But I got fired when I got sick,

so...

So there.

You happy now?

So now you're sick.

Fine, I'll play.

What do you have?

Aortic stenosis.

Nice try.

This guy's a doctor, all right?

If you're gonna try and scam him, you

have to come up with something that at

least sounds real.

No, that's real, Jake.

Well, it still doesn't sound right.

Well, let's just see.

When was your last echocardiogram?

Two years ago.

What was your valvular gradient?

32.

That's high.

Are you on medication?

I can't afford it anymore.

So did I pass your little test?

Is this guy for real?

He might just be.

Look, you need medical attention.

If you don't have treatment, you could have

heart failure.

I know.

Why don't you come by my office in

the morning?

I'll take some blood, run some tests, and

get you back on medication.

And don't worry about the cost.

I'll take care of it.

All right.

Hang on a second.

Oh, you gotta check your date book?

No, um, I gotta sneeze.

Thanks.

I should tell you, Wally is quite old.

And in addition to his insulin shots for

the diabetes, he requires constant attention and care.

Though he's still often quite playful.

Playful?

Oh, yes.

And fair warning, he may want to sit

in your lap from time to time.

Will he tell me before he does that?

No, that's not Wally.

That's my father.

86 years old and still clinging desperately to

life.

Ever so desperately.

Wally!

Uh, excuse me, but I thought I was

caring for a person.

Believe me, Wally's much better company.

And he has fresher breath.

Now, why don't you tell us a bit

about your nursing experience?

Uh, well, I graduated from NYU Nursing School

and then I interned at the O.R.

at Mount Sinai.

After that...

I, uh...

I did private duty for five years and,

uh, I've been...

For the last seven years, I've been working

for a general practitioner.

Well, I suppose you're qualified.

To take care of a dog?

I would think so.

Of course, the final decision is Wally's.

Mrs. McGinnis, I...

What do you say, Wally?

He likes you.

Yes, well, could you ask him to like

me a little less?

These are new slacks.

Wally, enough!

Who's a good boy?

Uh, Mrs. McGinnis?

Wally.

I really don't think that I'm right for

this job.

Perhaps a veterinarian or a dog walker.

Pays $600 a week.

Who's a good boy?

Uh-huh.

Really?

Excuse me.

Oh.

Ma'am, it's kind of an emergency.

I'm having a little...

In a minute.

The doctor asked me to leave a urine

sample before, but I didn't have to go.

Now I do.

Badly.

So, if I could, I should.

Soon.

In a minute, okay?

So, let me get this straight.

It's called saltwater taffy, yet it's sweet?

Weird.

Okay, in a minute, I'll just be able

to hand you my pants.

Kim!

Kim, I'll call you back.

Here.

Well, I'm surprised you showed up.

I'm surprised you're really a doctor.

I thought your job was to make my

life miserable.

No, that's just my hobby.

Come on.

So, what's new?

I started my job last night.

Really?

How was it?

It was fine.

Linda?

Did you happen to notice anything different about

me?

Like the dog?

I try not to comment on your clothes

ever since last year's Christmas sweater.

He's not a part of my outfit.

This is who I'm taking care of.

He's my patient.

You work for him?

That means the dog is your boss.

Wow.

His day nurse didn't show up, so I

had to bring him in with me.

Margaret, can I see you for a minute?

Coming.

Just get started on these charts.

Gee, you don't have to bark at me,

Margaret.

Oh, get it?

Bark.

Yes?

Yeah, Margaret, I'm gonna give this guy a

physical, run some blood tests, and get him

an echocardiogram.

But I don't want to have him charged

for any of this.

Aren't you gonna ask me about the dog

around my neck?

No, no, I learned my lesson with that

Christmas sweater.

Margaret, can I scratch your boss's tummy?

John, Linda wants to see you.

Okay, Margaret, I've got your order, but I

just don't get it.

Six sausages and some newspaper.

Why?

Do I dress so badly that no one

notices I'm wearing a dog?

Well, you know, ever since last year...

I know, I know, the Christmas sweater.

Actually, I was thinking of the pantsuit with

the circles.

Get out.

The dog goes really nice with your eyes.

Out!

Blind guy here.

Blind guy.

Never seen Springtime.

Blind guy.

Ooh, a five.

That's very generous.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

Plan B.

Deaf guy.

Deaf guy here.

Music is just a word.

Deaf guy.

Bob, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

There are people out here with real disabilities.

Yeah?

Tell me about it, Margaret.

There's a guy around the corner with no

legs kicking my ass.

Look, Margaret, I know you don't like when

I call them puppies, but one of them

things just barked.

Bob, why don't you beg for something you

really need, like a little dignity?

All right, I heard you the first time.

We're going.

Lewis, there's no reason for you to be

jealous.

Wally is a dog.

If I was going to cheat on you,

I would have taken your brother up on

his offer last Thanksgiving.

Yes, your brother.

I almost took him up on it.

Okay, Wally, let's see what you're having.

Mmm.

Braised carrots.

Oh, those little potatoes with the red skin.

And, oh, filet mignon.

The hell you are.

Ooh.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Ahem.

Uh-oh.

This is very disappointing, Margaret.

Oh, it's just that it looks so good.

I'm sorry.

You don't need to apologise to me.

You need to apologise to Wally.

Yeah, right.

He's waiting.

You expect me to apologise to a dog?

You seem to be forgetting who works for

whom.

I will not humiliate myself by apologising to

some animal.

What is wrong with you people?

Filet mignon?

Wally has a very discriminating palate.

Have you ever seen him say hello to

another dog?

He's still waiting for you to say you're

sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I ever stepped foot into this

nut house.

I quit.

I am done being nursemaid to a dog.

You can't speak to me or to Wally

like that.

Elizabeth, shut up.

I'd like to apologise for my daughter's behaviour.

She's an insensitive, unhappy woman who can't find

anyone to love her but that dog.

Oh.

Margaret, if you stay, I'll pay you $700

a week to look after me.

$700?

Thank you.

Oh, I think I'd like that.

Now you'll really see who's a good boy.

Thanks for breakfast.

It's delicious.

It's today's special.

Yeah, by special, she means she made it

today.

That's what I told them.

I got to hand it to you, Marty.

I don't know how you survive out there

on the streets like that.

Yeah, that's right, Bob.

What are you doing here?

You gave up panhandling?

Absolutely.

Not working is the hardest work I've ever

done.

Bob decided to leave begging where it belonged,

in the bedroom.

Boy, you got some nerves showing up here.

Excuse me?

I just ran all your tests.

You don't have aortic stenosis.

Matter of fact, you don't have a damn

thing wrong with you.

Well, that's a relief.

I thought I might be lactose intolerant.

Don't be such a smartass.

You lied to me.

But you knew everything about that disease.

My mother had it.

Then why'd you go through with the exam?

It was a free physical.

Besides, I thought I might give this guy

something better to do than follow me around

bitching.

Wait a minute.

I got hit in the head with a

lit cigarette, and you scored a free physical?

You magnificent, jobless bastard.

I salute you.

You know, son, I don't like being made

a fool of, neither do my friends.

What do you want me to say?

You want me to say thanks for the

physical?

Oh, okay, okay.

Thanks.

You proud of yourself going through life like

this?

Yeah, scamming people, playing on their sympathies?

Why didn't you just tell the truth?

Because people don't want to hear the truth.

They want a story.

They want to feel like they're helping a

guy who got robbed or who has a

fatal illness.

It makes them feel good about themselves.

Just like it made you feel good about

yourself giving me that physical.

No, no, don't turn this on me.

I tried to help you.

Admit it.

Would you have helped me if I had

just asked you?

You want the truth?

I mean, do you really want the truth?

I'm just a homeless bum, okay?

I can't put my life together.

I don't have a kid.

I don't have a wife.

I don't have any friends.

I got nothing, all right?

There.

You happy now?

Was that so hard?

It was humiliating.

Wait.

Here.

I hope that helps.

Look, I...

I just want you all to know for

what it's worth...

Thank you.

The money you've given me is for food

and a warm place to sleep.

Thank you.

And I promise I'll pay you...

And you know what?

Just thanks.

Thank you very much.

All right, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Thank you.

Taxi!

Get on the racetrack and step on it!

There.

Are you happy now?

On top of everything else, that poor guy

has a gambling problem.

Oh.

Oh.