Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) All right, already, I'm coming.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, in the morning?

Not so hot so hard.

No kidding, Rach.

Give me a break, I'm running late.

You live upstairs, what is it, like a

20-foot commute?

Come on, I need coffee.

I need coffee.

And a shower.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

So, uh, who did what this weekend?

Jake, you first.

Uh, guys, this is Amanda.

We met at a wedding in Jersey this

weekend.

Wow, usually they just let you take home

a centerpiece.

She gave me a ride home, and she

wanted to see where I worked.

Well, what can I say, she got a

little excited.

By what, your extensive gum selection?

By everything.

I'd say get a room, but I think

we're in it.

Oh, wait a minute, did you guys have

sex in here?

You just got that.

That's disgusting.

Hey, don't complain, your diner finally has a

satisfied customer.

Oh, sorry.

You know how people get carried away when

they're, uh, newlyweds.

Newlyweds?

Yeah, we got married.

What?

Married?

You heard us, we're married.

Oh, my God, I don't know what to

say.

Congratulations.

Yeah, congratulations, Jake.

You got married?

Oh, yeah, it was just sort of this

spontaneous thing.

We were both in the wedding party, and

we were paired up to walk down the

aisle together.

Yeah, and the minute she took my arm,

there was this connection.

It was amazing.

No, wait, wait, wait a minute, wait a

minute.

You got married?

It's an after-ceremony, you know, we talked

and danced all night.

Next thing I know, it's four in the

morning, I'm in her car, driving, all right?

Amanda's through the sunroof with her top off,

screaming.

You were driving?

You were topless?

You got married?

It's a Sunday morning, we got a minister,

and, you know, the rest is history.

Hmm.

Driving, topless, married?

Uh, you know, we should probably go, because

we have a million things to do.

Yeah, listen, guys, we're having a party tomorrow

night to celebrate, and we really want you

to be there.

Okay, yeah, we'll be there.

Okay, bye.

Can you believe it?

Jake's married.

I just wish you could have been there

to see the wedding.

If we'd gotten here five minutes earlier, we

could have seen the honeymoon.

Well, it's official.

Love's not only blind, it's deaf and dumb.

You're terrible.

Reggie already called me and told me everything.

I think it's great that Jake got married.

Yeah, why would you take a beautiful tradition

like nailing a bridesmaid at a wedding and

ruin it?

I think it's romantic.

Romantic?

They drove in from Jersey, and they did

it on the floor of a diner.

The last time Lewis and I were on

the floor, we were looking for the remote.

I mean, what was he thinking?

You know, marriage isn't supposed to come at

the beginning of a new relationship.

It's supposed to be a last-ditch effort

to save a dying relationship.

For God's sake, he doesn't even know the

woman.

I almost married a guy I didn't know.

Really?

Who was he?

I just told you I didn't know.

Actually, the story isn't that interesting.

I was in Turkey.

There was a poker game.

It was Holy Week.

Well, you know the drill.

Anyway, um, we're all going in on the

gift.

Oh, oh, great.

Now I'm being blackmailed into getting a gift.

Oh, right, blackmail.

That's a part of the story I forgot.

Margaret, the marriage is a joke.

We can't be expected to get a gift.

We're not expected to get a gift, John.

We-we want to give a gift.

It's our way of sharing our joy.

Yeah, well, I can't spare any joy.

I'm running on fumes as it is.

Hey, guys.

Looks like you got yourself a small fracture,

Ricky.

What happened?

Well, he was moving some boxes.

We got this new shipment.

Imported merchandise.

Great stuff.

Yeah, great stuff.

You know, watches.

Rings, bracelets.

Necklaces.

I got it.

And we got some great Ricard Vanu clocks.

Never heard of them.

You got to be kidding.

He's got to be kidding.

No kidding.

These things retail for at least 300 bucks.

Yeah, but we'll cut you a deal.

Oh, yeah?

So they're stolen?

He didn't say that.

I didn't say that.

So they're real?

He didn't say that.

They're reproductions.

You know, Vanu-esque.

Yeah, yeah.

Let me ask you something.

Would something like that make a good wedding

gift?

Well, when you care enough to almost make

it look like you've sent the very best.

How much?

We're gonna sell them for 50.

But for you, 35.

30.

Done.

20.

Well, you just agreed on 30.

I didn't agree.

You said 30.

I said done.

I wasn't done.

Trust me.

You're done.

Coffee, Reg?

Oh, good.

I'm glad you're here.

We need to talk about Jake's gift.

It's 50 bucks a person.

Not for this person.

You're not getting them a gift?

I swear, Becker, you're not only the least

romantic man I've ever met, but you're the

cheapest.

Really?

Would you call this cheap?

Oh, my God, Becker.

It's a Ricard Vanu.

I always wanted one.

Well, I'll tell you what.

When you get married, if time is still

measured on a clock, I'll give you one.

Oh, please.

Like you won't be dead by then.

Oh, come on.

By then, we'll all be dead.

Well, why'd you get them a present anyway?

I thought you said their marriage was a

joke.

Well, it is a joke, but Jake's my

best friend, and, well, Margaret guilted me into

it.

What are you getting them?

You'll see.

Bob should be here any minute.

You let Bob pick out your gift?

He's not picking it out.

He's picking it up.

Oh, my God, what did I do?

Greetings, all.

Bob, why aren't you carrying two crystal champagne

flutes with a matching ice bucket?

Done to death.

Change of plan.

What did you do?

I bought them the one gift that every

newlywed wants more than anything else in the

world.

That's right.

You guessed it.

Beef.

Beef?

Yeah, think about it, Reg.

Not everybody drinks champagne, but everybody loves beef.

I'm not a vegetarian.

You know what?

You didn't chip in, so you don't get

to talk, okay?

Anyway, this isn't just any beef.

This is Montana beef.

So fresh, they kill it in a truck

on the way to your house.

Bob, you're taking it back.

Nobody wants meat for their wedding.

How do you know?

You've never been married.

Well, by the time I get married, you'll

be dead.

Reg, you know...

Oh, shut up.

Hey, everybody.

Hope you all can make it to the

party tonight.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you tonight.

I gotta go call Montana and get them

to turn the truck around.

Did we invite him?

Doesn't matter.

He'll show up anyway.

So what time do you want us there

tonight?

Oh, yeah, the party kicks off about 7

.30. Oh, actually, it's 8 o'clock.

7.30, 8 o'clock, whatever.

No, not whatever.

8 o'clock.

Did we or did we not agree on

8 o'clock?

Well, I told them 7.30, figuring they'd

be a half hour late.

This way, they'll be on time.

I have an idea.

Why don't you tell them 8 o'clock

and have them show up at 8 o

'clock?

You know what?

Don't take it out on me just because

none of your friends want to come.

My friends don't live here, Jake.

And besides, they have real jobs.

They can't just drop things on a moment's

notice.

You know, making wind chimes out of soup

cans is hardly a job.

Oh, but selling combs and candy is.

Hey, hey, don't you yell at me.

Don't you yell at me.

Well, how else am I supposed to get

anything through that thick skull of yours?

Oh, so now I'm stupid?

You know what?

You just drive me crazy.

You drive me crazy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, baby, you're so sorry.

Oh, great.

Now we're all sorry.

Jake, let's go home.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

What the hell was that?

The shortest production of Virginia Woolf I've ever

seen.

Oh.

Okay, can I have your attention, please?

A bunch of us down at the diner

chipping for a wedding gift.

Well, except for Becker, who, as we all

know, is a cheap bastard.

Here, here.

Hey, that was not the toast.

So, if you'd all step over to the

window, Bob will show you what, in his

humble opinion, is a pretty amazing gift.

Bob, what's going on?

I thought you were supposed to get champagne

flutes.

That's what I kicked in for.

Change of plan, girls.

Go with it.

Come on, Jake, you're not even looking out

the window.

What difference does it make?

Where are we supposed to be looking at?

You just look out there.

You'll see it.

That party over there, that's better than this

one?

No.

Look up.

You see the Big Dipper?

No.

Well, if you could, you'd look 18 stars

over and see the newest star in the

galaxy.

It's inspired by the love of Jake and

Amanda, and it's called Jamanda.

You are so dead.

And you're in big trouble.

Wow, guys, that is an amazing gift.

Thank you, everybody.

And so original.

I mean, most gifts are so stupid.

Like, who needs another blender or champagne flute?

Yes, we thought it would be the perfect

gift.

We did?

The train's leaving.

I'm getting on it.

Yeah, well, I got something for you, too.

Something you can actually see, hold, and know

for sure exists.

Yeah, that's for you.

Oh, my gosh!

It's a clock, Jake, a Ricard Venue.

This is so beautiful.

Wow, John, for a normal person, this is

a generous gift, but for you, it's a

miracle.

You know, I've got just where to put

it.

Over here on the credenza.

Oh, no, no, no, no, honey.

I think it would look much better over

here on the table.

Yeah, but you know what?

I want to put it over here.

This is a perfect place for it.

Trust me, it's better on the table.

Oh, what, because I'm blind?

You think I don't know what looks good?

No, I think I have better taste.

Oh, so now I have bad taste.

From the looks of this place, you've always

had bad taste.

Well, maybe I do.

I married you, didn't I?

Fine!

Fine, why don't you take back your stupid

ring and your stupid friends and their stupid

gifts?

Amanda!

Amanda!

Amanda!

Don't you yell at me!

Don't you yell at me!

What is your problem?

Starting a fight right now!

You know, I just love giving gifts.

It's how we share our joy.

Well, say what you want, but...

Can I always have Jemanda?

Can you hear me walking out the door?

Oh, great!

Here's 20 bucks for cab fare!

Keep it!

I don't want to take all your money!

Don't you ever get tired of embarrassing yourself?

I guess not.

This is awkward.

Well, I think that party's still going on

across the street.

I'm sorry.

Come here.

Oh, Jake.

I don't think they're fighting anymore.

Oh, Jake.

This is even more awkward.

Oh, oh, Jake.

Oh, man.

Oh, crap hook!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Jake.

Oh, thank God.

I'm telling you, I think we should leave.

No, that would be rude.

As opposed to what they're doing in there?

Yeah, I feel dirty.

Really?

How dirty?

Come on, let's leave.

John, sorry about your clock.

Hey, I did my part.

Lunatics want to smash my wedding present.

That's their problem.

Well, they can get it fixed.

All they have to do is take it

back to the store where you bought it.

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, yeah, store.

You know what?

Maybe I should take it back for them

and, uh, get it fixed.

Look, before we leave, I gotta get my

coat.

You didn't have a coat.

All right, all right, I'm coming.

Margaret, look over there.

He is so hot.

Which one?

The hot one.

Hey, fellas, come on back.

Hello.

Hi.

Now, do you know which one I'm talking

about?

No.

Because I live here on planet Earth.

Thanks for coming in.

Ricky.

Is everything okay with my x-rays?

Oh, no, oh, everything's fine.

No, no, no, I just, uh...

I need another one of those clocks.

You know, my friend broke it, and I

told him I'd take it back to the

store and, you know, fix it.

You can't take it back to the store.

There is no store.

You got it from our van.

Yeah, our van.

I know that.

I know that.

That's why I need another one.

Well, we don't have any more.

Well, can't you go back to your supplier?

You hear that?

I heard that, yeah.

Our supplier's out of town for the next

three to five years.

Well, what are you telling me?

That I'm gonna have to go to a

real store and buy a real clock?

Because I can't afford that.

You can take another look in the van.

We got lots of other stuff.

Good stuff.

Great stuff.

How about a George Foreman grill?

$150.

I thought those were, like, $30.

Yeah, but this is really George Foreman's grill.

Look, I went online to the Star Store,

and I bought them a star.

Are you calling me a liar?

I mean, I would never lie to you,

Reg.

What do I have to do to make

you believe me?

Show me a receipt.

Okay, look.

On my way to get them a gift,

I happened to pass by OTB, and there

was a horse running called Wedding Cake.

I mean, can you believe it?

I mean, it was a hundred-to-one

shot.

What are the chances?

A hundred-to-one?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Anyway, the horse broke its leg in the

first furlong, and they took it out back

and shot it.

Long story short, he didn't finish.

I want my 50 bucks back.

Okay, look.

Jake and Amanda think they have a star,

and Margaret and Linda think they got it

for them.

Let's keep this between us.

Bob, you're despicable.

You're totally dishonest.

You take our money, and then you lie

about it.

Make it a hundred.

We'll call it even.

Deal.

Hey, cop, what's in the bag?

The big dipper.

You want to buy it?

See that?

Yeah, don't touch it.

As a matter of fact, don't even look

at it.

I don't want to take any chances.

I'd be damn hungry to spend another 300

bucks.

You spent $300 getting that clock fixed?

No, no, I meant, you know, the original

300 that I spent, you know, at the,

uh, the store where I bought it, you

know, originally.

Hey, guys.

Oh, good, yeah, you're here.

Here's your stupid clock, all right?

Congratulations.

I don't know if congratulations is the right

word.

Amanda and I just got an annulment.

An annulment?

Oh, I'm sorry.

What happened?

Well, we both realized that marriage is a

big step and that we rushed into it.

Yeah, you sure as hell did, you know,

not to mention the fact that you two

were terrible together.

I mean, come on, let's face it.

This is not a girl you marry.

It's just some easy girl you pick up

at a wedding, sleep with and dump the

next day.

Believe me, you did the right thing.

I mean, she's insane.

You just, you just got yourself a free

pass out of crazy town, my friend.

What I was going to say is that

Amanda and I are staying together.

Oh.

Oh.

Because we happen to still love each other

very much.

We're just not going to be married.

Hey, hey, haven't you said enough?

Real nice, Becker.

Every single day you tell me to shut

my mouth.

Today when I needed you the most, where

the hell were you?

What?

Let me ask you something.

You know, when two people get married and

you give them a very expensive clock, then

they get unmarried, doesn't that clock revert back

to you?

I mean, isn't that the law?

What is wrong with you?

Jake is going through a very difficult time

right now and all you care about is

that stupid clock.

It happens to be a...

Jake is not only your best friend, he

may be your only friend.

Oh, please, come on.

What about...

Or, uh...

Or, um...

Boy, I better go talk to him.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Look...

I know.

I mean it.

Me too.

So, are we okay?

Yeah.

We're cool.

Hey, you know, had to be said.

Um...

Hanks, you know, I better take off.

I'll see you tomorrow, my friend.

You know what, John?

There's something else.

You know about that clock?

What clock?

You know, the clock he gave us for

our wedding?

I wouldn't feel right keeping it.

I want you to have it.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

That wouldn't be right.

You keep it.

No, no, just be a reminder of a

big mistake.

Well, that's what marriages are all about.

You want this clock, don't you?

Very much.

Oh, hi.

Hi, baby.

Hi.

Hey, you know what, I'm gonna take off

today.

I'll see you later.

Why is he taking our clock?

Well, technically, we're not married anymore.

So, he came back to reclaim his wedding

gift?

Boy, that Bob guy was right.

He really is a cheap bastard.

I'm standing right here.

You know what, John is my friend.

Don't insult him like that, all right?

Don't you have any tact?

I say what I feel, and if you

can't deal with that, maybe that's your problem.

You know what, John is right.

You are crazy.

I must be crazy to get involved with

you.

Hey, you want to leave, leave.

Fine, just give me five minutes to pack,

and I'm out of here.

Hell, you know where the door is.

You'll never see me again.

I never saw you in the first place.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm...

Could I, could I, could I at least

get the...

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

I'm a bad man.

You bad.

You're so bad.

They're not married, and I'm out 300 bucks.

You know the hell I am.

All right, it's all right, I'm a doctor.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.