Original subtitles

This was a hallway.

Hallway, hallway, hallway, my room, fireplace.

This is where I kept my formal crowns, my casual crowns, my just for fun

crowns. Yes, this is definitely where my castle was. Okay, are we done?

Because I either need to find your army or I need to go and find another one so

I can go and save Isabella. Now relax, chisel chin, you'll get my army.

I just have to figure out where they went and if they took my castle with

them.

Strangest thing, I...

I know I've never seen this village before, and it somehow seems oddly

familiar to me.

I say, peasant, I have a question.

Please, don't get all starstruck because I'm speaking to you directly.

No way!

It's you!

I know. You're flustered. Guys, look, it's Sir Galavant, the famous knight.

Hello. Hi.

What's real?

Is there perhaps someone else here you recognise? Maybe...

Your king?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Greetings, lowly ones. It is I, King Richard. I have returned.

Good to see you again. So, I have a question. What the hell happened to my

castle? Yeah, we sort of tore it down to make homes and shops for everybody.

Well, that will explain the familiarity.

You knocked it down? I demand to rebuild it immediately, or I will have every one

of you drawn and quartered.

What's going on?

Why are they not scurrying to do my bidding?

Oh, well, here's the thing.

When you left us to go in search of the jewel of Valencia, we didn't hear

anything for a really long time.

All right, that's fair. That's on me. I should have sent a pigeon or two.

Yeah, but while you were away, we realised that a king is only a king if

the people say he is. And if they don't, well, he's...

Just a man with a metal hat who's only in charge because his father wore a

metal hat before him.

Which is pretty crazy if you think about it.

You know, he's got a point. It is pretty crazy.

So then we came together and asked ourselves what if there was a different

way of doing things?

A better way?

A fairer way?

Oh, no, I know what's coming.

We've been trying something new in the Dominion since you went away.

With no king upon the throne, we've all been left alone to build a new tomorrow

here today.

Right. What if every single soul with an opinion got to have their say?

If on every point of note we simply took our vote, we'd build a new tomorrow here

today. So, the butcher gets a vote? Yep. The baker gets a vote? Yep. And everyone

who couldn't vote before?

Except, of course, the women. And we won't let him or him in. We mean

everybody else. Except the poor.

Progressive for the Middle Ages.

Then we vote on every pressing public question.

Either... Yay!

Or... Yay!

Nice. Everybody gets to choose. Except the you. No.

As we build a new tomorrow here today.

If you'd like to make a statement or suggestion, simply stand.

And... Hey, him? Every person counts the same. Except, of course, the lame. And

the lepers. And the gingers. And the witches.

And the heathens. And the bastards. And the gypsies. And the carnies. And the

hippies. And we're building you tomorrow.

A fair and square tomorrow.

A more aware tomorrow in the day.

So we all march together towards the future.

Well, not all per se.

Just the ones who look like me. It's called the march.

The landed. And the wealthy. And the pious. And the healthy. And the straight

one. And the pale one. And we only mean the male one. If you're all of the

above, then you're okay.

As we build a new tomorrow here today.

Well, that is intriguing.

Voting who to fight?

If you're about to bring up looking for an army again, I swear to God I will

freak out because I just lost my... Tachi.

Hello,

my friend.

Richard!

Surprise. What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd pop in for a visit.

Come here, you. Give us a hug.

Hey, the crown. Don't worry, I'll get it.

What the hay, girl?

Ah!

Oh, bloody hell, not again.

That is the third time this week the king has woken me because of his

screaming. I think you're having bad dreams, my queen.

I want you to fix it.

How do I do that?

Not my problem.

What is my problem is his screaming is interrupting my beauty sleep.

And you know what happens when a queen loses her beauty sleep?

She can sleep in later because she's a queen and she can do whatever she wants?

She could get a wrinkle.

And if she gets a wrinkle, she'll make sure you get a wrinkle.

On your neck!

I'm sorry, I'm not being very clear. I'm really tired. What I'm trying to say is

if you don't fix it, I'll cut your throat, okay?

Nighty-night.

No, I never loved you, Isabella.

But I don't understand, Gullivan.

Too bad, sucker.

I'm outie.

Play it again.

Apologies, my lady, but do you really think it's healthy to keep reliving this

breakup with Gullivan? I said, play it again.

I'm Gullivan, the jerkiest jerk in all the land.

Excuse us, Jester. May we have a moment with our daughter?

Oh, thank God.

Sweetheart, as you know, we're very sorry about Galavan ditching you. He

dropped you like a plague rat.

But it's been several days.

And that biological sundial of yours continues to grow long, if you know what

I mean. To 25.

My mother was a great-grandmother by then. And while we're happy you agreed

to be forced to marry your cousin, maybe it's time to start making some

decisions. At least meet the wedding planner.

He's very excited to meet you.

I don't care about any of it from marrying someone I love.

Oh, sweetie.

Married isn't about love.

Let me introduce you to Mr.

Wormwood.

Princess Isabella. How delightful.

Just a Wormwood of Wormwood weddings and events.

I'm here solely to serve your every wish and desire.

This is our new rec centre.

We're very proud of it.

Oh, my God. Those curtains used to be my sheep. I know because I had the arse

embroidered with the plucked hairs of all the kingdom's redhead. You'll find

we've turned everything from the castle into something for the common good.

Are you sure you're not planning some big surprise where you're going to wheel

away some huge wagon to reveal you've rebuilt my castle but only better?

Sorry, buddy.

Oh, funny.

Oh, great. That's what it is now. It's not my king or your worship or your

highness. It's Paddy.

God.

I have a question.

Do you still have an army?

Uh, citizens' army, yes. Good. I'd like to use it to invade Hortensia.

Absolutely not.

Really? Oh, hang on. I thought this was a democracy.

Aren't you supposed to let the people decide?

Oh, yeah.

Tell you what, there's a town hall meeting tonight where anybody can bring

up new business.

Why don't you give it a shot there?

Okay. Though I can't imagine the three people ever voting to send an army into

an open-ended foreign conflict which profits only the few.

That would be madness.

Well, sure.

But you're forgetting one thing.

Their smile.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it is nice, isn't it? Help! Help! That's my...

Sir, have you been having bad dreams?

Who's been telling you I'm having bad dreams? The Queen.

She's heard you screaming at night and wants me to help.

Come here.

Oh, God, this is it.

Shut up.

I'm not going to kill you.

Yes, OK.

I've been having bad dreams about King Richard.

I don't know what to do.

Well, when I was younger, I had a recurring nightmare.

But then my mum helped me figure out what it meant and it went away.

No, this is more complicated than that. It's more of a riddle.

I'm always holding King Richard's crown.

He's accusing me of betraying him.

Yeah, that's a real enigma.

Do you think that maybe you're feeling, I don't know, a little guilty?

What's guilty?

Oh, um, when you feel bad about what you've done.

That's not a thing.

Oh, it's my time talking to you.

What do you think?

How about die for the guy who wants his gal? See, gal is a play on your name,

and it rhymes. Yeah, I think it's good. I just think it's a bit dumb for me.

Oh, but it's not too dumb for me.

I can't even write a slogan for a stupid election. I'm not a writer. I'm not a

castle owner.

I'm not a king. Do we have to do this again?

Do what?

Realize I'm in the darkest hour of my soul?

Just go win your stupid election.

Okay.

Hello. Galavant.

Hi.

King Richard.

You're... Is it just Richard?

Honestly, I've no idea what I am.

Whoo!

If I were a jolly blacksmith, what a happy guy I'd be.

I would do all kinds of blacksmith stuff in my blacksmithery.

I would hit the thing with the other thing till I made a different thing.

If I were a jolly blacksmith.

No, not feeling it. Besides, I'd get filthy.

There must be something better.

If I were a friendly farmer, wouldn't that be oh so sweet?

I'd be planting greens and lots of beans and other things to eat.

Then I'd plant some eggs, then a couple pigs, then a yummy chocolate cake.

No, that's not right.

Besides, any moron can plant a cake.

It would be special, needed, liked.

I've got it!

If I were a merry brewer, that would be a grand career.

I would pick the grapes and peel the grapes and stomp them into beer. Damn

it!

I don't know how to do anything except be a king.

No one wants me to be a king.

If I'm just a jolly... Nothing.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't have a skill, no niche to fill.

No one to come home to.

Don't know where to go.

Don't know how to fit.

Don't know who to even be.

If I were a jolly...

Tailor, juggler, barber, wet nurse,

cesspool worker.

What difference does it make?

I would still...

Perfect. Barry, the princess is on her way now. Remember, not a word about my

plan. The wedding plan?

I thought that's why she's come in. No, the evil plan, you idiot. The one to

control her mind with this enchanted tiara and take over the kingdom.

I thought that was the scheme.

No, the scheme is the colours.

I'm confused.

Barry, I swear to God...

Okay, for Clarice's sake, from now on, we'll call it the wedding plan, the evil

plot, and the cover scheme.

Got it?

Good. Oh, she's here. Be cool.

Princess Isabella!

How delightful.

Welcome.

Let's just get this over with.

I don't care, I don't care, and I don't care.

Decision's made.

Let's go.

Isabella? Mother.

I may have agreed to get married, but I'm not going to be happy about it. Oh,

but my dear, I've so much planned for you. Trust me, this is going to be fun.

First we get to choose invitation.

Make a list of distant relations.

Then we can decide on bridesmaids. You'll need about 20. Tell me you're

joking, please.

Next we're trying dozens of dresses.

Settle on a do for your dresses.

Then we're well on our way to the happiest day of your life. Right, so if

we just dance. We'll make you glorious. La, la, la, la, la, la. And then select

a manicurist. La, la, la, la, la, la. You'll want to register at all the cops'

calls with Indy Town Walls. No doubt.

Kill me now.

Next on the checklist.

We'll get you bracelets at the next twist.

Just wait and see. It's going to be like the wedding we've always dreamed about.

You've got to make it stop.

Then we'll have to spruce up the venue.

Figure out a 30-course menu.

Find a guy to draw some pictures. You're going to want plenty.

Plus we must audition some bands, too.

Choose the song you'll do your first dance to.

The whole stupid cliche.

On the happiest day of your life. I can't believe this.

And up on your head.

Glowing right above your forehead.

You will wear this little present from me, enchanted to steal yourself.

And once it's on you, it will cast a spell upon you.

You'll do everything I tell you to do, and ruling through you, I'll seize full

command. Get rid of the prince, install my own men, take over the throne, till I

be complete.

Nothing to see here. Moving on.

That you are standing around for We've got an affair to break around for

There's so much to do Guess who is becoming a wife?

To ruin my husband's only eleven Till the wedding's gonna be heaven Go and get

my bouquet It's the happiest day of my life Cousin Harry will pay It's the

happiest day of my life Now you...

in favour of moving the drinking well away from the graveyard, say yay.

Yay. Will the pose say... Do they prefer to decide their fate by majority opinion

rather than being ruled by me, whose right to kingship was passed down from

ancestors said to be a god and a mermaid?

Fools. What are you, the town drunk?

I wish.

At least then I'd known I was supposed to be.

That position was already taken.

Lucky bastard.

What? It concludes all old business, but I do believe we have one bit of new

business. Gallivant, the floor is yours.

Hello, Gallivant. I've come to ask to take your army to Hortensia to rescue my

one true love.

Who? Maddalena? No, Isabella.

Didn't you already do that?

I don't think I'm quite explaining this properly. You see, Isabella is actually

being held hostage.

We know, in Valencia.

Uh, no.

Again, that's Maddalena. Isabella is in Hortensia.

I don't think he knows what he's talking about.

No, I do. You're just not listening. It's true love, people. I just need your

vote, please.

Die for the guy who loves his gal?

Boo. Boo.

Can you hear yourself?

Zero. All right, zero.

You suck. I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Standing before you is a man of noble intention. A man who knows what his

purpose is, to be a hero.

I admire that.

Well, I am no longer your king.

Unless, of course, you'd like to put it to a quick vote.

All in favor?

Yes? Anyone?

No?

Fine. But...

If I were still your king, I would force every one of you to join this man's

army. Not because I was a tyrant and a terrible leader who hosted baby fights,

which I now realize is weird and not that entertaining, even after the

addition of the cobra, but because true love is rare and worth fighting for.

It is life's greatest purpose.

So, as someone who is not your king, I ask,

who will join this fight for true love?

I will join King Richard.

Well, there we go. That's a good start. Right.

Who's next?

Anyone at all?

This is certainly uncomfortable.

Ah!

You did this to me.

He's trying to get me killed.

I saw his head. It was right there.

And it was giving me that look.

My king, think I know what's going on.

Richard was your friend.

And yes, you took his throne and his queen and his kingdom and his favorite

shirts and his weekly bridge. Oh, get on with it.

The fact you feel bad about it is a good thing.

It means you're actually surprisingly human.

Maybe I do feel guilty.

I do miss the old bastard.

Look, there was one other thing my mother used to do for my dreams.

Good dreams only.

Good dreams only.

Bad dreams out of this head.

It's time tonight for dreams of the bright...

Little boy's bed.

There's one more in there.

So, what now?

I'm off to Hortensia to rescue Isabella, recruit consultants along the way, and

after that, march to Valencia to reclaim her kingdom.

Well? I may have a surprise.

Your old pal Rick's going to join you.

What? No, no, no, no, no. You said you were going to stay here and figure out

who you are. And I did.

I realized I'm the guy who's going to help you rescue Isabella.

Even though, technically, I'm the guy who started the whole disaster.

So, what do you say?

Why not?

Awesome! You, me, Roberta. Oh, this is Roberta, by the way. Do you remember

her? From the election, she stood up and pledged to join me.

Oh,

Roberta. Yes, my king?

She calls me king.

Oh, my God.

Oh, this is going to be so much fun.

No, it's not.

We should probably go. I stole these horses and just set fire to the rec

center.

Dismantle my castle, will you?

Princess Isabella, isn't there something you might want to say?

Good news, everyone.

I've set a date for my wedding.

It's in six weeks, and you're all in...

Does something seem different

about Princess Isabella?