Original subtitles

YO-O-O, JOE!

♪ HE'LL FIGHT FOR FREEDOM WHEREVER THERE'S TROUBLE ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ IT'S G.I. JOE AGAINST COBRA THE ENEMY ♪

♪ FIGHTING TO SAVE THE DAY

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP, HE'S ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM OVER LAND AND AIR ♪

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

G.I. JOE IS THE CODE NAME

FOR AMERICA'S DARING, HIGHLY TRAINED SPECIAL-MISSION FORCE.

ITS PURPOSE -- TO DEFEND HUMAN FREEDOM AGAINST COBRA,

A RUTHLESS TERRORIST ORGANIZATION

DETERMINED TO RULE THE WORLD.

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP

♪ HE'LL STAY TILL THE FIGHT'S WON ♪

♪ G.I. JOE WILL DARE

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE

SMILE!

STAY ALERT, GUYS.

AW, COBRA'S NOT RASH, WON'T FIGHT FOR OLD TRASH.

ROADBLOCK, I WOULDN'T CALL

THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES "OLD TRASH."

WE GOT THE CONSTITUTION ON BOARD?

In your truck, Gung-Ho,

along with the Declaration of Independence.

We're escorting a billion dollars worth of history

to the new National Archives.

SO LET'S PUT THESE BABIES TO BED AS FAST AS WE CAN.

[ CHUCKLES ] ALWAYS IN A HURRY.

[ German accent ] THERE.

SMILE!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

HEY, WHAT THE --

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

TAKE COVER!

COBRA-A-A-A!

SCARLETT, WHEN DO TOURISTS STOP BEING FRIENDLY?

WHEN THEY SIGN UP FOR THE COBRA TRAVEL PLAN, DUKE.

OUR TARGET IS TRUCK NUMBER NINE!

I FEEL LIKE JOHN WAYNE UNDER A STAGECOACH!

LET'S GO, PILGRIM!

AAH!

NICE FORM -- SHOULD BE A DIVER!

WHAT THE --

HEY, HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

LET ME GO!

[ TIRES SQUEALING ]

WHOA!

ENJOY YOUR PRISONERS!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

SOME ESCORT WE PROVED TO BE.

WE'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO LOST OUR TRUCK.

YEAH, BUT WE WEREN'T CARRYING ANYTHING VALUABLE.

THE SEWARD FILE, AS YOU REQUESTED.

WELL, BARONESS, DO...

THE SPECIAL PROVISIONS...

Both: EXIST AS STATED?

AS STATED.

POTEMKIN WASN'T LYING.

[ Russian accent ] GERKY POTEMKIN DON'T LIE, AND HE DON'T WASTE TIME.

WHEN HONEST GERKY WANTS TO MAKE A DEAL, HE MAKES A DEAL.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH COBRA.

WHICH IS EXACTLY...

WHAT YOU'VE DONE, POTEMKIN.

FOR 30 YEARS I HAWK CARS IN NEW JERSEY.

WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT I'D MAKE MY BIG KILLING IN REAL ESTATE?

[ LAUGHING ]

WHO THE SAM HILL ARE YOU?

THE NEW OWNER OF ALASKA, HOCKEY PUCK.

GET AWAY FROM MY DESK.

MISS JAMIESON, CALL THE -- OW!

YOUR SECRETARY'S GONE, LANDSFORD.

MR. POTEMKIN FIRED HER.

JUST LIKE I'M FIRING YOU!

FIRE ME? YOU CAN'T FIRE ME!

I'M THE GOVERNOR OF ALASKA!

-NOT ANYMORE. -NOT ANYMORE.

AS THE NEW OWNER OF ALASKA...

MR. POTEMKIN HAS NO NEED FOR...

Both: OVERPAID PUBLIC OFFICIALS.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

AM I LOSING MY MIND?

NO, JUST YOUR JOB.

[ LAUGHS ]

THIS IS THE GREAT SEAL OF ALASKA,

AND ACCORDING TO PROVISIONS IN THE SEWARD TREATY,

WHOEVER OWNS THE SEAL OWNS ALASKA!

[ LAUGHS ]

♪ HONEST GERKY, HE'S YOUR PAL ♪

♪ HONEST GERKY'S GOT YOUR DEAL ♪

♪ COME DOWN TO HONEST GERKY ♪

HONEST GERKY'S GOT NEWS FOR ALL YOU FOLKS IN GERKYLAND --

WHAT YOU USED TO CALL ALASKA.

YOU GOT TO GO, AND I MEAN GO, BUT RIGHT NOW!

I GOT THE SEAL, WHICH MEANS, BY LAW,

I GET ALL 586,400 SQUARE MILES,

AND YOU GET DIDDLY!

SO GET ON OUT OF GERKYLAND BEFORE I HAVE TO KICK YOU OUT!

♪ HONEST GERKY, HE'S YOUR PAL ♪

♪ HONEST GERKY'S GOT -- ♪

THAT MANIAC HAS COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE STATE OF ALASKA,

AND THERE'S NO LEGAL WAY TO STOP HIM.

ACCORDING TO THIS MICRO-RECORD OF THE SEWARD FILE,

POTEMKIN ACTUALLY OWNS ALASKA.

SEWARD FILE?

WHO'S SEWARD, AND WHAT'S THIS OLD FILE ABOUT?

WELL, GUNG-HO, SECRETARY OF STATE WILLIAM H. SEWARD

BOUGHT ALASKA FROM RUSSIA IN 1867 FOR 7 CENTS AN ACRE.

BUT TO MAKE THE DEAL OFFICIAL...

THE GREAT SEAL OF ALASKA HAD TO BE DELIVERED TO AMERICA.

THE CZAR GAVE THE SEAL

TO A CAPTAIN IVAN LUKROV OF THE ROMANOV,

A RUSSIAN WARSHIP.

BUT THE ROMANOV AND HER ENTIRE CREW

DISAPPEARED SOMEWHERE IN THE ARCTIC.

POTEMKIN CLAIMS HIS FAMILY FLED RUSSIA IN 1917

WITH THE GREAT SEAL.

IF THAT'S TRUE, HE OWNS ALASKA.

POTEMKIN'S SEAL HAS TO BE A PHONY.

WE FIND THE REAL SEAL, WE CAN STOP HIM COLD.

BUT IT WAS LOST IN THE ARCTIC 100 YEARS AGO.

WELL, PACK YOUR SNOWSHOES.

WE'RE GOING SEAL HUNTING.

[ Russian accent ] THIS POTEMKIN'S CLAIM IS OBVIOUSLY BOGUS,

BUT TO PROVE WRONG, AMERICA MUST FIRST FIND REAL SEAL.

TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, DA, COMRADE BREKHOV?

[ Russian accent ] DA, COMRADE GENERAL.

THE CZAR SOLD ALASKA FOR SHAMEFUL PITTANCE.

IF RED OKTOBER RECOVER GREAT SEAL FIRST...

[ Russian accent ] AH! ALASKA AGAIN BELONG TO MOTHER RUSSIA!

[ Russian accent ] ALL THAT OIL! ALL THAT LAND!

BUT AMERICANS WILL SEND G.I. JOE FOR MISSING SEAL.

COMPETITION COULD GROW INTENSE.

REMEMBER,

AS GREAT AMERICAN PHILOSOPHER VINCENT LOMBARDI ONCE SAID,

"WINNING IS NOT EVERYTHING -- IS ONLY THING."

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

CALL YOUR BET AND RAISE FIVE.

ARE YOU SURE COBRA AND POTEMKIN

ARE WORKING TOGETHER, DUKE?

I CALL YOUR BET.

WELL, WHEREVER EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES IS,

SO IS COBRA.

THEY WANT ALASKA FOR ITS RESOURCES

AND AS A PERMANENT BASE.

CALL.

ALL WE GOT TO DO

IS SEARCH A MILLION ACRES OF FREEZE-DRIED REAL ESTATE

TO FIND ONE TINY RUSSIAN KNICKKNACK.

WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP AND PLAY?

COBRA!

AIR DEFENSE, TO YOUR STATIONS!

BURN THOSE RATTLERS!

BANDIT -- 5:00!

[ BARONESS LAUGHS EVILLY ]

HANG ON TIGHT! GOING DOWN!

Potemkin: SIX ROLLS-ROYCES, THREE ERMINE ROBES,

A COUPLE OF DOZEN DIAMOND RINGS,

AND TOSS IN A PLATINUM BATHTUB WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HAVE BEEN WANTING TO MAKE THAT CALL

TO NEIMAN MARCUS ALL MY LIFE.

HOW WE DOING, LAWYER BOYS?

CONSIDERING THE OIL, GAS, AND MINERAL DEPOSITS...

AND THE CONTENTS OF CITIES, TOWNS, AND VILLAGES...

THE MARKET VALUE OF THE STATE OF ALASKA IS CLOSE...

Both: TO A TRILLION DOLLARS.

[ LAUGHS ]

SMOOTHER THAN STICKING A COUNTRY RUBE WITH A '59 EDSEL.

WHAT COULD GO WRONG NOW?

Baroness: G.I. JOE!

UGH! OUCH!

REPEAT AGAIN, BARONESS?

ISN'T THAT REDUNDANT, DEAR BROTHER?

A PLANELOAD OF G.I. JOES

HAS FLOWN IN TO SEARCH FOR THE REAL GREAT SEAL.

BUT IF THEY FIND THE REAL SEAL, WE'RE --

QUIET.

PLAY WITH YOUR TOYS.

NO NEED TO WORRY.

THE JOES HAVE DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE.

DROPPED OUT? RACE? WHAT'S SHE TALKING ABOUT?

ARE WE SAFE?

NOT QUITE.

THE RUSSIAN RED OKTOBER TEAM...

IS ALSO LOOKING FOR THE SEAL.

Both: THEY MUST BE STOPPED, TOO.

HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT ALL THIS?

YOU DON'T HAVE...

A NEED TO KNOW.

WELL, ACCORDING TO THIS,

THE LAST REPORTED POSITION OF THE ROMANOV

WAS 100 MILES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT PEAK.

YO-O-O, JOE!

AT THE RATE THEY ARE GOING,

THEY PASS TWIN PEAKS LATE TOMORROW.

WRONG, COMRADE. THEY NEVER GET PAST PEAKS.

RED OKTOBER SEE TO THAT.

TAKE US THROUGH THE PEAKS, ROADBLOCK.

[ HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING ]

I HATE WINTER SPORTS.

I FEEL LIKE FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!

LOOK LIKE HIM, TOO!

AMERICANSKI TOVARISHCH,

RED OKTOBER IS DEEPLY SORRY FOR INCONVENIENCE,

BUT WE CANNOT LET YOU FIND GREAT SEAL.

RED OKTOBER MUST RETURN

WHAT RIGHTFULLY BELONG TO MOTHER RUSSIA.

SO, GOODBYE, G.I. JOE.

HAVE NICE, LONG WALK HOME.

[ LAUGHS ]

GOOD JOKE, DA?

SAVE YOUR ENERGY, GUNG-HO.

BREKHOV WAS RIGHT. WE GOT A LONG WALK TO MAKE.

ONLY NOT TOWARD HOME.

UGH.

FIRST WE FREEZE. NOW WE BAKE.

NOW I KNOW HOW A TV DINNER FEELS.

[ WOLF HOWLING ]

THAT'S A CHEERY SOUND.

[ BIRD SQUAWKS ]

WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THOSE RED OKTOBER WACKOS,

I'LL MAKE THEM WISH KARL MARX WAS GROUCHO'S BROTHER.

WE'RE BOTH GONNA GET OUR CHANCE.

GANDER THAT.

RUB ALADDIN'S LAMP, SEE RED OKTOBER'S CAMP.

COULD YOU FLY A RUSSIAN HIND-E, SCARLETT?

I'M SO TIRED OF WALKING, I COULD FLY A RUSSIAN TRUCK.

THEN LET'S HOT-WIRE A CHOPPER!

MAN OR WOMAN, NO ONE MOVIN'.

LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.

I'LL BET MY TATTOO THIS IS ALL SOME KIND OF A TRAP.

CAN'T CLOSE MUCH OF A TRAP WITHOUT WEAPONS, GUNG-HO.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN TAKE A SLINGSHOT WITH THEM.

SOMETHING VERY INTERESTING HAPPENED TO OUR RUSSIAN FRIENDS.

HOPE WE DON'T HAVE THE SAME LUCK.

HOLY MACKEREL!

COSSACKS!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

TAKE COVER, MEN!

AAH!

[ HORSE NEIGHS ]

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

IS THIS A NIGHTMARE?

FOR ALL OF US, SCARLETT.

[ Russian accent ] IN NAME OF CZAR,

HIS GREAT EXCELLENCY ALEXANDER II, YOU ARE PRISONERS.

PLEASE, NO EXCUSE GIVE ME TO KILL YOU, DA?

[ CHANTING IN RUSSIAN ]

WHAT'D WE DO TO THESE GUYS?

WISH I KNEW.

PARDON ME FOR ASKING,

BUT WHAT ARE 19th-CENTURY COSSACKS

DOING IN 20th-CENTURY ALASKA?

I THINK THE ANSWER IS UP AHEAD.

LOOKS LIKE THE ROMANOV FOUND A SAFE HARBOR BACK IN 1867.

AND THESE PEOPLE MUST BE THE DESCENDANTS

OF THE ORIGINAL CREW.

[ Russian accent ] NO TALK! MORE WALK!

SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT A FELLOW POET, ROADBLOCK.

Lukrov: [ Russian accent ] MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER,

FIRST CAPTAIN LUKROV, WAS WISE MAN.

HE KEPT COLONY SEPARATE FROM OUTSIDE WORLD,

AND THAT IS WHY WE SURVIVE, EVEN THRIVE.

WE WANT NOTHING WITH YOUR MODERN WAYS OR PROBLEMS.

IN THAT CASE, CAPTAIN LUKROV,

GIVE US THE GREAT SEAL OF ALASKA.

'CAUSE WITHOUT THAT SEAL,

THE UNITED STATES WILL LOSE ALASKA

TO AN EVIL FORCE NAMED COBRA.

ENOUGH!

SEAL IS PRECIOUS OBJECT,

NOT TO BE HANDED OVER

TO SMOOTH-TALKING YANKEE TRADER, DA?

PUT HIM WITH THE OTHER PRISONERS.

Brekhov: GOOD AFTERNOON, COMRADE DUKE.

I SEE YOU RECEIVED SAME RECEPTION AS RED OKTOBER.

ARGH! LET ME AT THEM!

LET ME AT THEM!

HOLD IT, MAN! HOLD IT!

THE COSSACKS DIDN'T LIKE YOUR LOOKS, RIGHT, BREKHOV?

MMM. THAT IS MEAT OF SUBJECT. DA.

NO, THAT'S NOT THE MEAT OF THE SUBJECT, BREKHOV.

WE'VE GOT TO DELIVER THE GREAT SEAL OF ALASKA

ALL THE WAY DOWN TO JUNEAU.

THANKS TO YOUR INTERFERENCE,

WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT, AND COBRA WILL GET ALASKA.

I AM VERY MUCH REGRETTING, COMRADE DUKE.

[ EXPLOSION ]

COBRA-A-A-A!

COBRA!

THEY MUST'VE FOLLOWED BOTH OF US HERE TO FIND THE REAL SEAL!

[ HORSE WHINNIES ]

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

I HAVE THE SEAL!

ALASKA BELONGS TO US!

GET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU IDIOT!

I-I REFUSED TO HELP, AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.

THEY DESTROY WHAT TOOK CENTURY TO BUILD.

WORST OF ALL, THEY -- THEY STEAL GREAT SEAL.

NOW CZAR NEVER TRUST US AGAIN.

LET'S MAKE A DEAL, LUKROV.

WE'LL RETRIEVE YOUR SEAL

IF WE CAN USE IT TO COUNTER COBRA'S CLAIM ON ALASKA.

AND WHEN WE BRING IT BACK,

WE'LL HELP YOU REBUILD YOUR TOWN.

RED OKTOBER WILL HELP, ALSO.

COBRA MUST NOT SUCCEED.

YOU WOULD GIVE WORD ON THIS DEAL?

MY WORD AND MY HAND.

[ WHIPS CRACKING ]

YOU SURE THIS SHORTCUT WILL GET US AHEAD OF COBRA?

WITHIN HOUR.

YOU'RE NOT SCARED, MY BIG FRIEND, ARE YOU?

SCARED? WHO'S SCARED?

UGH!

THE SEAL!

I-I-I HAVE IT!

[ CHEERING ]

Duke: WELL, WE FINALLY GOT THE SEAL.

BUT HOW ARE WE GONNA GET IT TO JUNEAU

BEFORE COBRA TAKES OVER?

Gung-Ho: HEY, DUKE!

I GOT JOE HEADQUARTERS.

THEY'RE SENDING SkyStrikers, BUT THE WEATHER'S LOUSY.

THEY MAY NOT GET THROUGH.

-CAPTAIN LUKROV? -DA?

HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING THE ROMANOV SEAWORTHY?

DA, BUT WE ARE STILL BLOCKED BY ICE.

DON'T COUNT ON IT.

[ CHEERING ]

STEER A SOUTHERLY COURSE, CAPTAIN.

WE'RE HEADED FOR JUNEAU.

Brekhov: CORRECTION, COMRADES.

I'M AFRAID OUR JOURNEY WILL TAKE US WEST FOR MOTHER RUSSIA.

WHY, YOU DIRTY --

THE SEAL, PLEASE. THE SEAL!

STOP THAT SHIP!

LET'S CLEAN UP THAT MESS, GUYS!

DUKE, LOOK!

NO!

RETREAT!

THE SEAL, PLEASE.

THE SEAL, COMRADE.

AH, YOU'VE EARNED IT.

GAME'S OVER, HONEST "GERGY."

ALASKA'S BACK WHERE SHE BELONGS.

IN THE GOOD OLD U.S. OF A.

-GOODBYE... -POTEMKIN.

HEY, GUYS, DON'T LEAVE ME FLAT!

WE CAN PULL A STRING, TWIST AN ARM, DO SOMETHING!

SIX TONS OF CAVIAR!

THREE ERMINE STOLES!

A DOZEN DIAMOND RINGS!

A PLATINUM BATHTUB!

PAY UP, POTEMKIN!

[ LAUGHTER ]