Original subtitles

YO-O-O, JOE!

♪ HE'LL FIGHT FOR FREEDOM WHEREVER THERE'S TROUBLE ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ IT'S G.I. JOE AGAINST COBRA THE ENEMY ♪

♪ FIGHTING TO SAVE THE DAY

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP, HE'S ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM OVER LAND AND AIR ♪

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

G.I. JOE IS THE CODE NAME

FOR AMERICA'S DARING, HIGHLY TRAINED SPECIAL-MISSION FORCE.

ITS PURPOSE -- TO DEFEND HUMAN FREEDOM AGAINST COBRA,

A RUTHLESS TERRORIST ORGANIZATION

DETERMINED TO RULE THE WORLD.

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP

♪ HE'LL STAY TILL THE FIGHT'S WON ♪

♪ G.I. JOE WILL DARE

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE

Man: AND THAT'S THE NEWS AT 11:00.

NEXT UP, TONIGHT'S MYSTERY MOVIE

STARRING DORIS DAY, DANNY KAYE, FAY WRAY, AND DORAN BAY.

ALL RIGHT, LOUIE, MM, DROP THAT GUN!

Lisa: MOM, I CAN'T MAKE IT HOME THIS WEEKEND.

YOU SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN, LISA.

LONG DISTANCE IS EXPENSIVE.

NO PROBLEM. I'M ON A SATELLITE PHONE SERVICE.

IT'S WAY CHEAPER!

AH! UGH!

[ BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY ]

UGH!

HOOO-AHH!

SAY, ROADBLOCK,

WHAT'S A FIVE-LETTER WORD FOR "CUBIC DECIMETER?"

FRENCH OR AMERICAN?

IT SAYS "FR." AFTER THE CLUE.

IN THAT CASE, IT'S LITRE, L-I-T-R-E.

I RECKON ALL YOU GOURMET CHEFS

"PARLEZ-VOUS" THE FRENCH, HUH?

ABSOLUMENT.

I'M GONNA GO CATCH THE NEWS.

Announcer: THIS IS THE COBRA TELEVISION NETWORK.

AND NOW "FATHER'S NO BEAST,"

THE STORY OF A MAN WHO LIVES TWO LIVES --

GOOD CITIZEN BY DAY AND WEREWOLF BY NIGHT.

DON'T TRUST ANYBODY.

I COULD BE YOUR NEIGHBOR!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

HEY, YOU GUYS! GET IN HERE!

YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!

-WHAT'S HAPPENING? -JUST CHECK THIS OUT.

THE COBRA TELEVISION NETWORK PRESENTS...

"THE C TEAM," STARRING MR. C.

I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOESN'T JOIN COBRA.

I PITY HIM!

IT'S A JOKE, RIGHT, A VIDEOTAPE?

NO SIREE BOB, DUKE.

THAT'S REAL TV.

ALL THE CHANNELS ARE LIKE THAT.

SO, UH, WHEN DID YOU FIRST DISCOVER

YOU WANTED TO RULE THE WORLD?

COBRA COMMANDER.

I WAS 6 WHEN I REALIZED I COULD RUN SOCIETY BETTER

THAN THE MORONS WHO WERE IN CHARGE.

THAT OLD, HUH?

SLOW LEARNER, I GUESS.

SINCE THAT DAY, I'VE DEVOTED ALL MY ENERGIES

TO IMPROVING THE QUALITY OF LIFE FOR MY FELLOW MAN.

AND I SHALL SUCCEED!

THIS NEW ERA IN TELEVISION IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

COBRA!

YOU DON'T THINK ANYBODY WILL WATCH THAT GARBAGE?

SOME PEOPLE WILL WATCH ANYTHING, SCARLETT.

Duke: THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT, LADY JAYE.

SOME PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING.

-HE'S GOT THE PLANES! -YES.

YOU CAN NEVER WIN

IF YOUR ENEMY IS BIGGER AND STRONGER THAN YOU.

YOU CHANGED THE ENDING?

YES, TO PROMOTE COBRA'S SOCIAL PHILOSOPHY.

HOW WAS THIS ACCOMPLISHED?

COMPUTERS, OF COURSE -- VOICE AND PICTURE SYNTHESIS.

AMAZING.

BUT, COMMANDER, WHY MOVE OUR ENTIRE OPERATION

TO THIS HIMALAYAN PEAK?

BECAUSE G.I. JOE WILL NEVER FIND US HERE

AND WE CAN BEAM OUR PROGRAMS TO OUR SATELLITE

WITH NO INTERFERENCE.

I WOULD FEEL MORE SECURE

IF THE JOES' ACTIVITIES WERE UNDER CONTROL.

YOU LACK IMAGINATION, DESTRO.

WE POSSESS THE ULTIMATE WEAPON OF CONTROL.

PEOPLE TRUST TELEVISION. IT'S THEIR FRIEND.

THEY BELIEVE WHAT TELEVISION TELLS THEM ABOUT THE NEWS,

THE WEATHER, OR G.I. JOE.

DON'T YOU SEE?

WE CONTROL THE CREATION OF TRUTH!

SENATOR FLIM IS A BIT ODD, DUKE,

BUT HE'S ALSO HEAD

OF THE AERONAUTICS AND SPACE COMMITTEE, SO...

SO WE NEED HIS HELP.

I'LL BE PATIENT, COLONEL SHARP.

YOU MAY BE, UH, WONDERING WHY I CALLED YOU HERE TODAY.

WELL, ACTUALLY, SIR, WE KNOW WHY.

COBRA'S NEW SATELLITE

HAS SEIZED CONTROL OF THE PUBLIC AIR WAVES.

YOU WANT US TO KNOCK IT OUT OF ORBIT.

UH, YES. WELL, UM, W-WELL, THAT'S IMPORTANT, TOO.

BUT, UH...

WE'VE TRIANGULATED THE SATELLITE'S POSITION,

BUT OUR SkyStrikers NEED ROCKET BOOSTERS TO REACH IT.

WELL, WELL,

IF IT'LL HELP MAKE THE WORLD SAFE FOR DEMOCRACY, SON,

YOU'VE GOT THEM.

OH, NOW I REMEMBER WHY I CALLED YOU.

SENATOR?

CAN YOU GET ME TICKETS TO THE ARMY-NAVY FOOTBALL GAME?

I'LL, UM, LOOK INTO IT.

Man: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME

COBRA HAS THE ONLY TV NETWORK ON WHICH WE CAN ADVERTISE?

-CORRECT. -CORRECT.

AND BEING THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN...

OUR CLIENT HAS DECIDED TO RAISE PRICES.

30 SECONDS OF COMMERCIAL TIME WILL NOW COST...

$5 MILLION.

YOU'RE OFF YOUR ROCKER.

-TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. -TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

AND IF WE DECIDE TO LEAVE IT?

THEN YOUR COMPETITORS...

GET TO SELL THEIR DEODORANT...

-OR BREAKFAST FOODS... -OR DESIGNER JEANS...

Both: WHILE YOU GO OUT OF BUSINESS.

ANY QUESTIONS?

-NO. -NO. -NO. -NO.

OH, GEE, LIKEABLES.

NOBODY LIKES ME.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE DIFFERENT, KIRBY.

ONLY WHEN EVERYBODY LOOKS ALIKE...

-AND ACTS ALIKE... -AND THINKS ALIKE...

AND NEVER, EVER GETS ANGRY...

Both: CAN WE ACHIEVE WORLD PEACE.

Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

FOR MORE PRO-SOCIAL FUN WITH "THE LIKEABLES."

NOW, THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.

[ ALL MURMURING ]

I'VE GOT THE ROCKET BOOSTERS INSTALLED.

THE SkyStrikers ARE READY, DUKE.

ALPINE AND I ARE GOING UP WITH ACE.

ALPINE, YOU?

AND HOW.

IF WE DON'T STOP COBRA THIS TIME,

I MAY NEVER SEE "BOWLING FOR DOLLARS" AGAIN.

♪ LA-DEE-DA-DA, DA-DUM

♪ DA-DA-DA-DEE-DA-DA

IT'S MINE, YOU KNOW, TOTALLY MINE!

NO, COMMANDER.

-UGH! -UGH!

THE BALL IS STILL IN PLAY.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

OUR SATELLITE IS ABOUT TO...

HAVE VISITORS.

WHO'S PILOTING THOSE SkyStrikers?

-ACE... -ALPINE...

AND LADY JAYE.

EXCELLENT!

WE'LL KILL THREE BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.

NOTIFY ZARTAN.

-YES, COMMANDER. -YES, COMMANDER.

ANTI-SATELLITE MISSILES IN PLACE.

-ROGER. -Alpine: FRED.

-HUH? -HUH?

I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT ROGER.

DON'T FIRE TILL WE HAVE VISUAL CONTACT WITH THE SATEL--

UH-OH.

WE'RE PLAYING FOR BIGGER STAKES THAN WE THOUGHT, FOLKS.

THAT'S NO ORDINARY SATELLITE. IT'S A MANNED SPACE STATION.

PREPARE TO LAUNCH HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES.

ALL RIGHT, ZARTAN. HERE GOES.

HOLY TOLEDO! LOOK AT THAT!

FIRE!

FAREWELL, JOES.

SORRY YOU COULDN'T STAY LONGER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Buzzer: YEAH, YOU HAVE A NICE TRIP HOME, JOEYS!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

LADY JAYE: Well, Ace, what do we do now?

ACE: Use our oxygen to propel us out of orbit,

then free-fall till there's enough atmosphere

to catch the chutes.

I KNEW IT!

THEY FIGURED A WAY BACK TO EARTH.

I clock our fall at 318 miles an hour.

And the Earth rotates at 1,100 miles a minute,

which means we hit the silk in 11 seconds.

Yeah, well, see you guys wherever.

Hey, in case it's nowhere,

I was proud to serve with you two.

3, 2, 1, now!

And now for our next trick.

WE UNDERESTIMATED COBRA'S DEFENSES,

BUT WE WON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.

NEXT TIME, WE SEND UP A SQUADRON OF SkyStrikers

FITTED FOR SPACE DUTY

AND AN ASTRONAUT TEAM WITH THE RIGHT STUFF.

ACE WILL PICK THE CREW.

ANY VOLUNTEERS?

THEN LET'S START TESTING.

[ ALL GROANING ]

AND 104.

OH, I HATE PUSH-UPS.

WE ALL HATE PUSH-UPS.

THEN WHY DO THEM?

THERE'S NO RESISTANCE IN SPACE.

BECAUSE STRONGER IS STRONGER NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE.

NO OFFENSE.

I'LL STAY ON EARTH AND SETTLE FOR WEAKER.

THIS IS WHAT ZERO GRAVITY IS LIKE.

YOUR STOMACH AND YOUR MOUTH TRADE PLACES,

AND YOUR BRAINS FEEL LIKE SOGGY COTTON.

OHH, THIS AIN'T FOR ME!

WELL, HANG IN THERE.

I'LL CHECK BACK IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT YOU HAD YOUR FUN AT ZERO "G,"

LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE LIFE AT 10 TIMES THE EARTH'S GRAVITY.

YEE-HAW!

[ HOWLS ]

AH, SORRY, YOU GUYS WERE ELIMINATED.

YEAH, WELL, I CAN STILL MAKE MINCEMEAT OUT OF YOU

IN THE BOXING RING, AND DON'T FORGET IT.

COME ON. SEE WHAT YOU MISSED OUT ON.

THIS IS WHERE WE SIMULATE RE-ENTRY.

IF YOU MAKE IT THROUGH THIS, YOU'VE PASSED THE FINAL TEST.

AND IF WE DON'T?

THEN YOU'LL BE SO SHOOK UP,

YOU'LL BE SITTING ON YOUR NOSE.

HERE SHE GOES.

LOOKS LIKE BAZOOKA'S OUT.

Duke: THEN I GUESS YOU'VE GOT YOUR ASTRONAUTS.

GOOD EVENING.

AMONG OUR MOST PRECIOUS HUMAN RIGHTS IS THAT OF FREE SPEECH.

NOW, THAT TAKES GALL.

SEVERAL DAYS AGO,

THIS NETWORK'S RIGHT TO INFORM AND ENTERTAIN YOU

WAS ASSAULTED BY THE FORCES OF G.I. JOE.

OUR ORBITING BROADCAST FACILITY REPELLED THIS ATTACK.

BUT G.I. JOE MAY TRY AGAIN

TO DEPRIVE YOU OF YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE.

WE HAVE FORTIFIED OUR DEFENSES,

BUT THE PRICE OF VIGILANCE IS HIGH.

HELP KEEP COBRA ON THE AIR

BY SENDING A GENEROUS CONTRIBUTION TO THIS ADDRESS.

THANK YOU.

THAT DOES IT.

ACE, PREPARE FOR LAUNCH!

Flim: I HAD TO PULL A LOT OF STRINGS

TO GET GOVERNMENT FUNDING FOR THIS PROJECT.

Duke: WELL, THAT'S WHAT STRINGS ARE FOR, SENATOR.

START THE COUNTDOWN.

T-MINUS 60 SECONDS AND COUNTING.

SERGEANT, UH, WHAT IF IT, UH, DOESN'T WORK?

THEN, SENATOR, WE LOSE SOME FINE SOLDIERS,

AND COBRA'S NETWORK GETS TO POISON THE MINDS

OF EVERYBODY ON EARTH.

Ace: EVERYONE READY?

Man: 3, 2, 1.

WE HAVE IGNITION.

COME ON! GO, YOU PUDDLE JUMPERS!

DIDN'T YOU THINK THEY'D MAKE IT?

WELL, RIDING A SIX-STORY BULLET INTO SPACE

IS ALWAYS DICEY, SENATOR.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

THOSE STUPID FOOLS.

PUT ME BACK ON THE AIR IMMEDIATELY!

Man: AND VARLEY'S HEADING FOR THE END ZONE --

HELLO, SPORTS FANS.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO WITNESS SOME REAL EXCITEMENT.

LIVE AND DIRECT FROM SPACE,

A GAME OF LIFE AND DEATH BETWEEN G.I. JOE AND COBRA!

I'm gonna lead us in.

Prepare to disengage on my signal.

THEY'RE COMING INTO RANGE, ZARTAN.

YOUR DREADNOKS HAVE A KNACK FOR EXPRESSING THE OBVIOUS.

AND YOU, DESTRO, FOR TURNING UP WHERE YOU'RE NOT WANTED.

YOU WANTED MY NEW WEAPONS SYSTEM BADLY ENOUGH, THOUGH,

DIDN'T YOU?

MAN THE CANNONS!

FIRE AT WILL!

UH, WHO'S WILL?

Disengage!

Ace, can you read me?

Ace?

Go get 'em, guys.

He's tumbling into deep space toward the sun.

My...tough luck.

Just knock those snakes... out of the sky.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I'M A SUCKER FOR TRUE-LIFE DRAMA.

[ LAUGHS ]

LADY JAYE: Ace, can you read me? Ace!

That was much too close.

We can't go after Ace till we've taken out the space station.

Otherwise, they'll pick us off one by one

and nobody will get back alive.

I've got an idea.

Follow me into that meteor swarm.

Aw, brilliant.

We'll finish ourselves off, save Cobra the trouble.

THEY'RE RETREATING.

OR SO THEY WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE.

DESTRO'S RIGHT, ZARTAN. SCANNER'S PICKING UP SOMETHING.

THERE IT IS.

HE'S GOING TO SACRIFICE HIMSELF, RAM RIGHT INTO US.

FIRE!

IT WAS EMPTY!

WE'VE BLOODY BEEN HAD!

THAT KAMIKAZE ATTACK WAS JUST A DISTRACTION.

THEY'RE HITTING US FROM ABOVE!

Thanks for the lift, Alpine.

Anytime, my man.

THE CANNONS CAN'T BE AIMED STRAIGHT UP.

WHAT DO WE DO?

WE RESPOND LIKE TECHNOLOGICAL WARRIORS,

NOT SWAMP ANIMALS.

STAND ASIDE AND REMAIN CALM.

THE CANNONS ARE NOT OUR ONLY DEFENSE.

WE CAN ALSO DEPLOY

THE SOLAR-POWERED MOLECULAR DESTABILIZER.

HOLD ON NOW. WHAT'S THIS THING DO?

PUT SIMPLY, IT CAPTURES ITS METALLIC PREY IN A TRACTOR BEAM

AND RUPTURES ITS ATOMS THE WAY HEAT POPS CORN.

Why are we stopping?

'Cause we're caught in a groove and can't seem to move.

WHAT YOU WAITING FOR, DESTRO?

POP THEM ALREADY!

The ray is doing something to the plane's molecular structure.

Everybody punch out now!

OH, WAY TO GO, DESTRO!

YOU REALLY DONE IT THAT TIME!

YEAH!

WHY DON'T YOU ASK FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?

Destro: THEY MUST BE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

Buzzer: NOT SO'S YOU'D KNOW IT, DESTRO.

WHAT ABOUT THE RADAR?

NOTHING. NO TRACE OF THEM.

MAYBE THEY FELL BACK TO EARTH.

Ripper: BURNED UP IN THE RUDDY ATMOSPHERE!

Torch: YEAH, ASHES TO ASHES AND ALL THAT.

RETRACT THE CANNONS. IT APPEARS WE'VE WON.

[ CHEERING ]

NOTIFY COBRA COMMANDER.

[ SIGHS ]

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

THE COBRA SHUTTLES WILL BE OUR ONLY MEANS OF SAVING ACE

AND RETURNING TO EARTH.

WE'LL HAVE TO KNOCK OUT THIS SPACE STATION FROM THE INSIDE.

AND PRONTO.

THEY'LL GET WISE TO OUR TRICK BEFORE LONG.

SOMETHING -- SOMETHING --

I'VE OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

NOTHING ON RADAR.

SCANNERS NEG-- THE GUNPORTS!

BLAST IT, IT'S TRUE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

A TOAST, THEN, TO THE ELIMINATION OF G.I. JOE.

STOP, YOU FOOLS!

THEY'RE HERE, ABOARD THE SPACE STATION.

Roadblock: IT MUST BE FATE.

YOU CAUGHT ON TOO LATE!

YOU IDIOT! YOU STOPPED OUR ROTATION.

WE'VE LOST OUR GRAVITY.

USE WHAT ACE TAUGHT US ABOUT ZERO-G MANEUVERS.

YEE-HAW!

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

[ WHISTLES ]

YAH-HAW! WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

YEE-HEE!

I'M GONNA BASH YOU GOOD.

YOU WISH YOU COULD.

YAH!

AAH!

OHH!

THEY'VE BEEN TRAINED FOR ZERO-G COMBAT.

YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

Lady Jaye: WE'VE GOT TO GET THAT FIRE OUT,

OR THE WHOLE PLACE COULD BLOW.

TOUGH DOGS, LADY!

UGH!

EVERYBODY VAMOOSE!

THIS WHOLE PLACE IS GONNA BLOW!

THIS WILL MEAN THE END OF COBRA TELEVISION!

IT WILL ALSO MEAN THE END OF SIX G.I. JOES --

A FAIR EXCHANGE, I WOULD SAY.

Roadblock: WELL, CAN YOU MAKE THIS SUCKER FLY?

IF I CAN'T, YOU WON'T BE AROUND TO MOAN ABOUT IT.

YEE-HAW!

IS HE ALIVE?

Lady Jaye: WE'LL KNOW WHEN WE GET HIM INSIDE.

Ace: THE SPACE STATION'S KAPUT?

COBRA'S OFF THE AIR?

BETTER OR WORSE, TV'S BACK TO NORMAL, ACE.

DUKE, SOMEONE TO SEE YOU.

STEP ASIDE, WOMAN!

UH, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

IT'S WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU.

I'M MEAN. I'M BAD.

AND I'M OUT OF WORK.

YOU GOT ANY OPENINGS IN G.I. JOE?

MAYBE -- IF YOU CAN PASS THE PHYSICAL.