Original subtitles

YO-O-O, JOE!

♪ HE'LL FIGHT FOR FREEDOM WHEREVER THERE'S TROUBLE ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ IT'S G.I. JOE AGAINST COBRA THE ENEMY ♪

♪ FIGHTING TO SAVE THE DAY

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP, HE'S ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM OVER LAND AND AIR ♪

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

G.I. JOE IS THE CODE NAME

FOR AMERICA'S DARING, HIGHLY TRAINED SPECIAL-MISSION FORCE.

ITS PURPOSE -- TO DEFEND HUMAN FREEDOM AGAINST COBRA,

A RUTHLESS TERRORIST ORGANIZATION

DETERMINED TO RULE THE WORLD.

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP

♪ HE'LL STAY TILL THE FIGHT'S WON ♪

♪ G.I. JOE WILL DARE

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

WE DON'T NEED THE VILLAGERS.

ELIMINATE THEM!

YO-O-O, JOE!

LET'S GET THEM!

GIVE UP, SNAKE NOSE. YOU'VE HAD IT!

YO-O-O, JOE!

YOU MORON. YOU ALMOST BROKE MY BACK.

YOU'LL HEAR FROM MY LAWYERS ABOUT THIS.

I'LL SUE!

MYRON, I-I'M SORRY.

HONESTLY, I...

CUT! CUT!

NO, NO, NO.

IT'S ALL WRONG. IT'S ALL PHONY.

WELL, OF COURSE IT'S PHONY. IT'S A MOVIE!

MY PUBLIC DEMANDS AUTHENTICITY, MARTY.

I WON'T GIVE THEM ANYTHING ELSE.

GEORGE, AUTHENTICITY COSTS MONEY.

HANG THE COST!

GET ME REAL G.I. JOES AS TECHNICAL ADVISERS

AND REAL G.I. JOE EQUIPMENT,

OR I'M WALKING OFF THIS PICTURE!

I'VE LOCATED THE CAPTURED FIREBAT.

IT'S -- COMMANDER!

YOUR HOOD -- PUT IT ON!

[ LAUGHS ]

IT TAKES A STRONG STOMACH

TO WATCH ME EAT, DOESN'T IT, DESTRO?

THE CAPTURED FIREBAT

IS AT MIRACLE MOTION PICTURE STUDIOS.

WHAT?!

THAT FIREBAT'S AUTOMATIC HOMING DEVICE

COULD LEAD THE G.I. JOES STRAIGHT HERE.

DON'T BLAME ME.

YOUR ELITE TROOPS ALLOWED THE PLANE TO BE CAPTURED.

I RECOMMEND THE PLANE BE DESTROYED IMMEDIATELY.

SO YOU CAN SELL US A NEW ONE? HA!

IT COST $15 MILLION TO BUILD THAT HOMING DEVICE.

IT WOULD BE CHEAPER TO STEAL THE FIREBAT BACK.

WE'LL USE THE ULTRA-SECURE FREQUENCY

TO SUMMON ZARTAN AND HIS DREADNOKS,

WHEREVER THEY MAY BE.

[ BUZZING ]

BUZZER, THE VAULT.

RIGHT.

ALL YOURS.

-LOAD UP! [ COMMUNICATOR BEEPS ]

DESIST OPERATION, ZARTAN.

I HAVE A MISSION FOR YOU.

BUT THERE'S $1 MILLION IN GOLD IN THERE.

I'LL PAY YOU $4 MILLION.

[ WHISTLES ] DROP IT!

-DROP IT? -DROP IT? -DROP IT?

WE'VE GOT A BETTER OFFER.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A MOVIE.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M, UH, HERE TO PICK UP SOME GUYS FROM THE G.I. JOE TEAM.

AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.

THAT SAILOR'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

[ LAUGHS ]

HI, MARTY GOLDBLATT, PRODUCER OF "THE G.I. JOE STORY."

PARDON ME IF I SEEM A LITTLE SURPRISED.

I GUESS I EXPECTED MORE IN THE WAY OF SPIT AND POLISH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH, WELL, DUKE WANTED ALL THE ODDBALLS

OUT OF HIS HAIR FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

HOT DANG! LOOK AT THAT. HOLLYWOOD!

HEY, WHEN DO WE GET SHORE LEAVE?

COME ON. NO TIME FOR THAT, SHIPWRECK.

WE'RE WAY BEHIND SCHEDULE.

IN FACT, WE'RE GOING DIRECTLY TO OUR DESERT LOCATION.

OHH! AWW.

George: THE GOVERNMENT HAS LOANED US

THIS REALLY MARVELOUS COBRA EQUIPMENT.

AND SOME JOE EQUIPMENT, I SEE.

RIGHT.

I WANT THIS TO BE THE MOST REALISTIC PICTURE EVER MADE.

WELL, IT'LL NEVER LOOK REALISTIC

WITHOUT OFFICIAL G.I. JOE SMOKE SHIFTERS.

SMOKE SHIFTERS?

SMOKE SHIFTERS -- OF COURSE!

MARTY, WE'VE GOT TO HAVE SMOKE SHIFTERS.

-SMOKE SHIFTERS? -ABSOLUTELY.

I WON'T FILM WITHOUT THEM.

HE CAN GET THEM IN HOLLYWOOD. GIVE HIM MONEY AND A CAR.

[ CHUCKLES ] SO, SHIPWRECK'S PARADING

OFF TO HOLLYWOOD AFTER ALL.

AND SOMEONE BETTER KEEP HIM OUT OF TROUBLE.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

SAY, MARTY, WHAT IS A SMOKE SHIFTER, ANYWAY?

TORCH, FOLLOW SHIPWRECK AND COVER GIRL.

KEEP THEM BUSY WHILE I PREPARE A LITTLE SURPRISE

FOR OUR OTHER G.I. JOE FRIENDS.

BUZZER, RIPPER, INTO THE DESERT.

I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO COBRA.

THEIR GEAR RUNS RINGS AROUND YOURS.

JUST 'CAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE ZARTAN

DOESN'T MEAN YOU GOT TO THINK LIKE HIM.

FACE IT! THIS IS JUST A PIECE OF TRASH.

ALL RIGHT, RECONDO. SIMMER DOWN NOW.

ON THE OTHER HAND, THAT COBRA PYTHON CYCLE IS A BEAUTY.

LOOK, BUSTER.

I'M NOT LETTING SOME PLAY ACTOR

PUT DOWN MY UNIT AND ITS GEAR!

THEN PROVE IT'S BETTER...

WITH A MIDNIGHT RACE.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

NOT YET. WAIT TILL THEY GET IN RANGE.

WE'D BETTER GET BACK TO THE SET!

LATER, AFTER WE SHOW THIS BOZO

WHO'S GOT THE BEST EQUIPMENT!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

I-IT'S THE REAL ZARTAN.

[ GROANS ]

SHIPWRECK?

SHIPWRECK?!

Shipwreck: WHO YOU CALLING A CHEAT?

[ PUNCH THROWN ]

I THINK I FOUND HIM.

FIGURES, SHIPWRECK...

YOU WOULD BE [GRUNTS] IN THE SLEAZIEST HOLE

IN [GROANS] HOLLYWOOD.

AH, SHUT UP AND FIGHT!

HELLO, POLICE?

I'D LIKE TO REPORT A RIOT.

OHH!

[ SIRENS WAILING ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

SHIPWRECK TROTTING OFF, SURE.

BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT IT OF DUSTY AND RECONDO.

George: ALL RIGHT, QUIET ON THE SET!

Zartan: BUZZER, DROP THAT TOWER RIGHT ON THE DIRECTOR.

RIPPER, YOU TAKE CARE OF THE LAST TWO JOES.

I'LL PLANT SOME EXPLOSIVES AND RIP THIS PLACE APART.

AND...ACTION!

[ WHIMPERS, GROWLS ]

OOH, WHOA!

LOOK! THOSE AREN'T ACTORS.

THOSE ARE DREADNOKS.

[ GROWLS ]

BE MY GUEST.

[ BARKING ]

[ GROWLING ]

YOU FOOLS! WE'LL ALL BE KILLED!

[ TICKING ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ BARKING ]

UH...WHAT HAPPENED?

ZARTAN AND HIS LADS -- THEY LAID US LOW.

THAT'S WHAT.

OH, THIS IS TERRIBLE.

IT'S FABULOUS, COLOSSAL!

IT'S THE MOST REALISTIC BATTLE SCENE EVER FILMED!

YEAH. TOO BAD MY CAMERA WAS CRUSHED UNDER THE WATER TOWER.

CRUSHED? THEN WE DIDN'T --

WAIT. I HAD FOUR CAMERAS RUNNING.

THE ONE AT THE SIDE --

HIT BY A TRUCK.

THE RAVINE CAMERA?

HIT BY SHRAPNEL.

THE LONG SHOT. WE MUST'VE GOTTEN THE LONG SHOT.

YOU! DID YOU GET THE BATTLE ON FILM?!

READY WHEN YOU ARE, MR. LANSBERG!

[ GROANS ]

UH, COVER GIRL AND ME, WE WERE WONDERING.

UH, COULD YOU COME BAIL US OUT?

GEORGE: Bail you out?!

Why, you useless, no-good parasite!

TOUCHY, TOUCHY.

I GUESS THE MOVIE'S NOT GOING TOO WELL.

WHY IN THE BLUE BLAZES DIDN'T YOU TELL US

DUSTY AND RECONDO WERE MISSING?

Mutt: 'CAUSE YOU WERE IN JAIL, BARNACLE BRAIN.

Cover Girl: BUT WHAT DOES ZARTAN WANT WITH THAT CAPTURED FIREBAT?

Marty: HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?!

WE GOT A MOVIE TO SHOOT!

THAT'S MY LIMO!

WE GOT TO FIND SOME WAY TO SEARCH FOR RECONDO AND DUSTY.

UH, YOU KNOW, IF ZARTAN WANTS THAT FIREBAT,

MAYBE I OUGHT TO STAY BEHIND AND GUARD IT.

AFTER ALL, WHAT USE IS A SAILOR IN THE DESERT?

MUTT AND JUNKYARD CAN GUARD IT.

I WANT TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.

HEY, HEY, HEY! OW! LET GO!

AH, IT LOOKS LIKE WE DREW GUARD DUTY AGAIN, OLD BUDDY.

[ BARKS ]

UH, WHAT ARE YOU SHOOTING TODAY?

AERIAL FOOTAGE WITH THE RATTLER AND THE FLIGHT PODS.

[ ROCKETS FIRE ]

SORRY, GUYS.

WE'VE GOT TO BORROW YOUR FLIGHT PODS AND A RATTLER

TO LOOK FOR OUR PALS.

TELL ALL THE STARLETS I'LL BE BACK TO SIGN AUTOGRAPHS!

SHIPWRECK!

AH, YOU'RE NO FUN ANYMORE.

ZARTAN TO COBRA COMMANDER.

COME IN, COBRA COMMANDER.

ZARTAN, YOU FOOL!

YOU FAILED TO DESTROY THE FIREBAT.

WATCH WHO YOU CALL FOOL.

AND TORCH WAS CAPTURED.

CAPTURED?

WE GOT TO SPRING HIM.

NO! FIRST THE FIREBAT, THEN TORCH.

[ SIGHS ] HOW CAN YOU STAND THIS HEAT?

BE MELLOW, MAN.

THE HEAT AIN'T SO BAD IF YOU DON'T MOVE.

[ ANIMAL GROWLING ]

COYOTE.

THEY'RE ONLY DANGEROUS IN PACKS.

YOU AND YOUR BIG MOUTH!

FLYING OVER THE DESERT -- THIS AIN'T NO JOB FOR A SAILOR.

WELL, WELL. WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

DON'T WASTE YOUR ENERGY. WAIT TILL THEY CHARGE.

IF THEY CHARGE, WE'RE DOG MEAT.

GET LOST!

GREAT. FIRST COYOTES, NOW COBRAS.

YO-O-O, JOE!

WAIT A MINUTE. LISTEN.

-SHIPWRECK? -SHIPWRECK?

COME IN, COVER GIRL AND BLOWTORCH.

I FOUND THEM.

YOW! BEAT IT, YOU CRAZY COYOTE!

[ COYOTE HOWLS ]

[ Imitating Road Runner ] MEEP, MEEP!

[ Normal voice ] HEY, MUTT, WE FOUND RECONDO AND DUSTY.

COVER GIRL AND BLOWTORCH

ARE TAKING THEM TO THE HOSPITAL, AND...

MUTT? JUNKYARD?

AVAST, YOU SLIMEBACK!

I'VE HAD MY FILL OF YOU.

[ GROANS ]

YOU THREE GOONS ARE GONNA HURT YOURSELVES

TRAVELING ALONE LIKE THIS.

[ BEEP ]

THE AUTOMATIC HOMING DEVICE

WILL DELIVER THE FIREBAT TO COBRA HEADQUARTERS

WHILE WE RESCUE TORCH.

HOLY COW. SHIPWRECK'S IN THERE.

FIREBAT'S APPROACHING!

DEFENSE POSITIONS!

EXCELLENT!

ZARTAN SENT BACK THE FIREBAT AND A JOE.

OKAY, LANDLUBBERS, YOU'RE ALL MY PRISONERS!

TAKE HIM INSIDE

FOR OUR AMUSEMENT.

Blowtorch: WELL, NOW WE KNOW

WHAT ZARTAN WANTED THE FIREBAT FOR.

IT MUST HAVE HAD SOME KIND OF AUTOMATIC HOMING DEVICE

THAT TOOK IT STRAIGHT BACK TO COBRA HEADQUARTERS.

BLAST!

WE HAD THE SECRET RIGHT IN OUR HANDS.

[ WHIMPERS, GROWLS ]

AND WE LOST IT AND SHIPWRECK

AND GOT DUSTY IN THE HOSPITAL.

[ DOOR CLOSES ] -SO, THERE YOU ARE.

YES, RESTING UP FROM YOUR BIG DAY.

WHAT'S ON TOMORROW'S AGENDA?

GONNA BURN DOWN THE STUDIO?

THAT'S IT! THE STUDIO!

WHAT? YOU MEAN WE ARE GONNA BURN IT DOWN?

NO!

I MEAN MAYBE WE CAN USE SOME HOLLYWOOD MAKE-BELIEVE

TO GET SHIPWRECK BACK.

YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK, COBRA?

NO. WE EXPECT YOU TO FRY!

I WAS AFRAID YOU'D SAY THAT.

BEGIN THE GAME!

OH, LOOK OUT! WHOOPS!

I HATE DANCING WITHOUT A PARTNER.

SIR, A MESSAGE ON OUR ULTRA-SECRET FREQUENCY

FROM THE G.I. JOE FORCE.

WHAT?!

THIS IS THE G.I. JOE FORCE IN HOLLYWOOD

CALLING COBRA COMMANDER.

I THINK TORCH IS ABOUT TO TELL US

THE LOCATION OF COBRA HEADQUARTERS.

INCREDIBLE.

THEY'VE STOOPED TO USING YOUR TACTICS.

AAH!

SEND US SHIPWRECK,

OR TORCH IS GONNA LOOK LIKE A PINCUSHION.

WE CAN'T RISK HIS REVEALING OUR LOCATION.

STOP!

OH, BOY.

AAH!

OKAY, QUIT PADDING YOUR PART.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO MUCH FOR MY BRILLIANT HOLLYWOOD CAREER.

I JUST HOPE THAT WE FOOLED HIM.

HOW LONG IS HE GONNA BE OUR GUEST?

THE FBI PICKS HIM UP TOMORROW.

All: COBRA!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

WHY WEREN'T YOU IN MAXIMUM SECURITY?

I DON'T KNOW, ZARTAN.

THEY TOOK ME TO THE MOVIE STUDIO

SO THAT FEMALE JOE COULD STUDY ME FACE.

STUDY YOUR FACE?

SHE'S A MAKEUP EXPERT. SHE MUST BE UP TO SOMETHING.

ZARTAN TO COBRA COMMANDER.

ZARTAN TO COBRA COMMANDER. COME IN.

HE'S LEFT, ZARTAN, TO RESCUE YOUR MAN TORCH.

RESCUE? ME? COOL!

CONTACT HIM. TELL HIM TO TURN BACK.

I CAN'T. HE'S UNDER RADIO SILENCE.

George: OH, TWO WEEKS BEHIND SCHEDULE

AND NOT A SINGLE FOOT OF USABLE BATTLE FILM.

WHERE IS TORCH?!

YOU'LL GET HIM AFTER YOU TURN SHIPWRECK LOOSE.

NO!

FIRST, YOU GIVE US TORCH.

THEN, IF THIS ONE STILL LIVES...

HE'S NO FOOL, IS HE? NOW WHAT?

NOW LET ME LOOSE!

WHAT THE --

IT'S A TRICK. DESTROY THEM!

[ BARKING ] -AAH!

WHAT THE BLOODY BLUE BLAZES IS GOING ON?

BLAST THEM INTO ETERNITY!

SCATTER THEIR BONES AT MY FEET!

THEY'RE MINE.

Marty: WHAT'S GOING ON?!

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT LOOKS WONDERFUL. FILM IT!

JUST HOW DO YOU PLAN TO GET OUT OF HERE?

WITH THEM.

SkyStrikers!

Ace: YO-O-O, JOE!

THEY'RE BEHIND US.

THIS IS GREAT!

All: YO-O-O, JOE!

MY FIREBAT IS DESTROYED!

COBRA COMMANDER.

DESTRO, GET ME OUT OF HERE!

VERY WELL. FOLLOW MY SIGNAL.

THIS WAY! WE MUST ESCAPE.

FOLLOW THEM!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

HEY!

Shipwreck: YO-O-O, JOE!

NICE WORK. NOW HE'LL SLIP OUT THE BACK.

YOU SAVED ME.

I SAVED A CUSTOMER.

Marty: YOU'VE TOPPED YOURSELVES.

NOW YOU HAVEN'T JUST WRECKED A MOVIE.

YOU WRECKED AN ENTIRE STUDIO!

YEAH? WORSE THAN THAT, COBRA COMMANDER ESCAPED.

BUT ISN'T IT GREAT? I GOT IT ALL ON FILM!

[ APPLAUSE ]

Shipwreck: I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO FINALLY SEEING THIS.

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.

I'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD ON THIS FILM

TO ACHIEVE NOTHING LESS THAN TOTAL AUTHENTICITY.

BUT THIS ACHIEVEMENT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE

WITHOUT THE COOPERATION AND SUPPORT

OF SOME VERY SPECIAL PEOPLE --

MY MOM AND MY DAD.

MOM AND DAD?!

WHAT ABOUT US?! WHY --

EASY, SAILOR. GET A GRIP.

LET ME AT HIM. I'LL MORTALIZE THE BUM.

I'LL --

DOWN, BOY. DOWN!