Original subtitles

YO-O-O, JOE!

♪ HE'LL FIGHT FOR FREEDOM WHEREVER THERE'S TROUBLE ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ IT'S G.I. JOE AGAINST COBRA THE ENEMY ♪

♪ FIGHTING TO SAVE THE DAY

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP, HE'S ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM OVER LAND AND AIR ♪

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

G.I. JOE IS THE CODE NAME

FOR AMERICA'S DARING, HIGHLY TRAINED SPECIAL-MISSION FORCE.

ITS PURPOSE -- TO DEFEND HUMAN FREEDOM AGAINST COBRA,

A RUTHLESS TERRORIST ORGANIZATION

DETERMINED TO RULE THE WORLD.

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP

♪ HE'LL STAY TILL THE FIGHT'S WON ♪

♪ G.I. JOE WILL DARE

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE

YO-O-O, JOE!

YO-O-O, JOE!

EAT HOT SALT TABS, YA SCURVY LANDLUBBERS!

AAH, YOU GOT ME!

UGH!

AAH!

AAH!

SHIPWRECK, THAT IS PATHETIC.

[ LAUGHS ] SAYS YOU.

I THOUGHT I DESERVED AN OSCAR.

YEAH, MY UNCLE OSCAR, THE MOOCHER.

Scarlett: CEASE FIRE! EVERYBODY, CEASE FIRING!

CIVILIANS IN THE BATTLE AREA!

AW, NUTS!

JUST WHEN THE FIGHT WAS GETTING DIRTY.

Hector: ARE WE READY, TOM?

-Tom: WE'RE ROLLIN'! -GOOD.

THIS IS HECTOR RAMIREZ

REPORTING FOR YOUR TV NEWS MAGAZINE "TWENTY QUESTIONS."

AND BELOW US IS THE G.I. JOE TEAM,

AMERICA'S SPECIAL ANTI-TERRORIST TASK FORCE.

BUT DOES AMERICA NEED THEM?

SOME PEOPLE CLAIM

THE JOES ARE A NEEDLESS MILITARY EXTRAVAGANCE AT BEST,

AND A BLATANT RIP-OFF OF THE AMERICAN TAXPAYER AT WORST.

CUT.

OKAY, HOW WAS THAT?

YES, YES, PERFECT! PERFECT!

Flint: OKAY, WHAT IN THE NAME OF SANITY ARE YOU PEOPLE DOIN' HERE?

THIS IS A RESTRICTED AREA!

HOW DO YOU ANSWER THE CLAIMS

THAT COBRA IS ONLY AN ELABORATE HOAX

TO BILK THE GOVERNMENT OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS?

WHAT?

CAREFUL, FLINT. THAT'S THAT TV NEWS GUY.

YEAH. HE'LL FEED YOU LINES AND HANG YOU WITH 'EM.

UH, SORRY, NO COMMENT AT THIS TIME.

THEN I DEMAND TO SEE YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER.

Flint: DUKE'S OFF-BASE.

HE WON'T BE BACK FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

BUT YOU GENTLEMEN CAN WAIT HERE IN HIS OFFICE,

AND I'LL GET A GUIDE TO SHOW YOU AROUND THE BASE.

NOW WHAT, SEMI-FEARLESS LEADER?

FIND A GUIDE AND CALL FOR DUKE.

WELL, IF THEY'RE SIPHONING OFF MILLIONS,

THEY SURE AREN'T SPENDING IT ON INTERIOR DECORATING.

THAT -- THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!

MY FRIENDS, THE COMMITTEE ON BASIC REDUCTIONS OF ARMIES

HAS CONCLUSIVE PROOF

THAT THE ENTIRE G.I. JOE/COBRA CONFLICT IS FAKED!

F-A-K-E-D! FAKED!

COME OFF IT!

I'VE SEEN THE NEWS FOOTAGE. IT'S REAL.

OH, WELL, HECTOR,

IF YOU'RE GONNA LET THE HIRED HELP INFLUENCE YOUR DECISIONS...

Tom: "HIRED HELP"?

COOL IT, TOM.

I'LL MAKE THE DECISIONS.

HMM, I WONDER IF THERE'S AN EMMY IN THIS FOR ME?

AH, GENTLEMEN, OBSERVE THE PROPERTIES OF THE CUE BALL.

SO ROUND, SO FIRM.

WANT TO BET I CAN MAKE IT SIT UP AND BARK?

WHAT THE UNIVERSE WILLS THE BALL TO DO, IT SHALL DO.

THERE ARE NO GAMES OF CHANCE IN THE --

[ LAUGHS ] GOOD OLD SPIRIT.

MR. FRIVOLITY.

SHIPWRECK, I'VE GOT A JOB FOR YOU.

OH, SORRY. CAN'T TAKE IT, FLINT.

I WAS KILLED IN ACTION DURING MANEUVERS.

LOOK, STOW IT, SHIPWRECK.

I'VE GOT THREE CIVILIANS WHO NEED BABYSITTING.

Shipwreck: AND HERE'S WHERE WE KEEP

OUR SKY HAWKS, SKYSTRIKERS, AND DRAGONFLIES.

WHAT ABOUT SKY HAWK COST OVERRUNS?

I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT IT.

HE -- HE'S JUST PUTTING UP OBSTACLES!

OBSTACLES, HUH?!

YOU WANT TO SEE OBSTACLES?

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

OVER THERE,

YOU GOT WHAT YOU CALL YOUR SWINGIN'-LOG OBSTACLE.

THEN THERE'S YOUR OLD-TIRE OBSTACLE.

AND YOUR BRICK-WALL OBSTACLE. AND --

OH, PERFECT TRAINING, IF YOU PLAN TO FIGHT --

TO FIGHT IN A PLAYGROUND!

I'LL SHOW YOU OUR PLAYGROUND, MATE!

THIS IS OUR LIGHT-WEAPONS RANGE.

WE PRACTICE ON POP-UP CARDBOARD TARGETS.

HOW APPROPRIATE,

SINCE YOUR ENEMY IS ALSO A CARDBOARD FABRICATION!

THAT DOES IT, YOU BLASTED BILGE RAT!

I'LL PROVE TO YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT COBRA'S FOR REAL!

YOU!

I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUTSIDE!

NO FILMING IN HERE! TOP SECRET!

UH, WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER

IF ALL THESE COMPUTERS

WERE USED TO SOLVE WORLD HUNGER INSTEAD OF --

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

FEED THE WORLD A SHORT STACK OF FLOPPY DISKS?

WELL, IT MAKES MORE SENSE THAN FIGHTING SENSELESS BATTLES

AGAINST NONEXISTENT -- NONEXISTENT ENEMIES.

SENSELESS, HUH?

NONEXISTENT, HUH?

THE COMPUTER SAYS OUR MADE-UP SNAKES

HAVE GOT SOMETHING COOKING IN THE ROCKIES.

LET'S JUST TAKE A TRIP AND SEE, HUH?

JUST LAY LOW TILL WE GET OUT OF HERE.

I'LL SHOW YOU SOME REAL COBRA ACTIVITY.

HEY, SHIPWRECK, WHAT'S UP?

UH, JUST TAKIN' HER UP FOR A TEST FLIGHT, GUYS.

NEED A CO-PILOT?

NO. UH, NO. NO, THANKS, ACE.

SAY, I THOUGHT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

SHOWING SOME CIVILIANS AROUND.

NEXT STOP -- THE ROCKIES!

[ SHEEP BLEATING ]

GET READY.

ANOTHER AIRCRAFT APPROACHES.

Ripper: HEADING STRAIGHT AT US, MATE.

COR! I AIN'T DESTROYED NOTHING IN TWO OR THREE DAYS!

Arnold: WHAT A WASTE OF TAXPAYERS' TIME AND MONEY --

JOYRIDING OVER THE ROCKIES!

Shipwreck: JOYRIDE?

IF WE SPOT COBRA, THIS IS ONE RIDE YOU'LL NEVER FORGET!

FIRE.

RIGHT, THEN.

Shipwreck: UH-OH. S.A.M.!

MY NAME IS ARNOLD, NOT SAM!

Shipwreck: NOT SAM! S-A-M!

SURFACE-TO-AIR MISSILE!

NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME FLY!

[ ALL SHOUTING ]

TOLD YOU YOU'D NEVER FORGET THIS RIDE!

NOW ALL WE'VE GOT TO DO IS LIVE THROUGH IT!

Cover Girl: SHIPWRECK?

HEY, SHIPWRECK! WHERE ARE YOU?

FLINT WANTS YOU AND YOUR GUESTS!

ACE, RIP CORD, EITHER OF YOU GUYS SEEN SHIPWRECK?

HE TOOK OFF.

TOOK OFF?

SAID HE WAS GOING ON A TEST FLIGHT.

I THOUGHT IT LOOKED SUSPICIOUS.

SO I CHECKED AROUND AND FOUND SHIPWRECK AND THOSE CIVILIANS

HAD BEEN HERE.

OH, BAD NEWS.

IF THAT COMPUTER'S RIGHT,

SHIPWRECK'S HEADING TOWARD THE ROCKIES AND CERTAIN DEATH.

YOU MEAN COBRA?

I MEAN DUKE, WHEN HE FINDS OUT.

YOU'RE GONNA KILL US!

SHUT UP! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!

SEE, I TOLD YOU I'D GET US DOWN SAFE.

Alpine: YUCKO! HOW DISGUSTIN'!

PROBABLY GONNA DIE FROM SOME DISEASE.

HAVE NO FEAR FOR MY HEALTH, ALPINE.

I DON'T.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT FREEDOM.

Cover Girl: ALPINE! YOU'VE GOT TO HELP US.

SHIPWRECK MAY BE IN BIG TROUBLE SOMEWHERE IN THE ROCKIES.

NATURALLY. WHERE ELSE WOULD YOU EXPECT TO FIND A SAILOR IN TROUBLE?

Shipwreck: WE'LL FIND THAT COBRA MISSILE LAUNCHER AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

Arnold: MISSILE LAUNCHER? MISSILE LAUNCHER?

A WILD-GOOSE CHASE TO KEEP US FROM THE STORY!

I'LL LAUNCH YOU IF YOU DON'T KEEP YOUR FOOL TRAP SHUT!

[ HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING ] WAIT A MINUTE. LISTEN.

HEY! HEY! OVER HERE!

YO-O-O, JOE!

KEEP A SHARP EYE PEELED FOR SHIPWRECK AND COBRA.

ZARTAN, I'M PICKIN' UP SOMETHING ON THE RADAR.

Zartan: A JOE SEARCH PARTY.

ALERT COBRA COMMANDER AND READY THE MISSILES!

COME BACK, YOU SCURVY HOUNDS!

AH, MY OWN BUDDIES LEAVING ME STRANDED OUT HERE WITH --

OW! WHAT THE...

COBRA!

LOCK IN ON TARGETS.

RIGHT-O!

SHIPWRECK, WHAT'S GOING ON?

GET BACK!

IT'S A COBRA MISSILE!

IF IT LAUNCHES, WE'LL ALL BE KILLED!

FIRE.

WITH PLEASURE, ZARTAN.

ZARTAN, THE FIRE-CONTROL MECHANISM IS OUT!

COBRA COMMANDER MUST STOP THEM WHILE WE FIX THE LAUNCHER!

Cobra Commander: RATTLERS, ATTACK!

COBRA!

RATTLERS!

I'LL BE OKAY! SAVE YOURSELVES!

YO-O-O, JOE!

THEY'LL BE SLAUGHTERED UNLESS I RE-RIG THIS LAUNCHER!

WILD WEASEL TO RATTLER SQUADRON! DON'T LET THEM GET BEHIND YOU!

GOT IT!

WHAT?

MISSILES, ON OUR TAILS!

[ LAUGHS ] YOU CAN JUST IGNORE 'EM, ARNOLD!

THEY'S ALL IMAGINARY!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

VERY CLEVER.

HAD YOU REMEMBERED TO WATCH BEHIND YOU,

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN PERFECT.

YEAH, THAT'S SHIPWRECK'S COPTER, ALL RIGHT.

BUT WHERE'S THE SAILOR BOY HIMSELF?

YOU KNOW HIM. LATE TO HIS OWN FUNERAL.

Arnold: IT'S ALL A FAKE -- A FAKE, I TELL YOU!

YES, SHIPWRECK.

YOU'D BETTER COME CLEAN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

SILENCE!

Woman: THERE IS A 0-3-9 CONTINGENCY

IN THE LOWER AFT RECEIVING DOCK.

ASSAULT TROOPS REPORT FOR BRIEFING.

SUFFERIN' SEAWEED!

TONIGHT'S MOVIE IS "THE AMUSEMENT PARK OF TERROR."

IT'S MAYHEM ON THE MERRY-GO-ROUND

AND REVENGE ON THE ROLLER COASTER

AS THE BAD GUYS TRY TO BEAT THE GOOD GUYS ON THE FERRIS WHEEL.

GOOD, ZARTAN! YOU'VE CAPTURED THE INTRUDERS!

WHO IS THAT BOZO?

THAT MORON IS COBRA COMMANDER.

Cobra Commander: YOUR SCOUTING MISSION IS A FAILURE, SHIPWRECK.

EVEN IF YOU GOT WORD TO YOUR FRIENDS,

YOU'D NEVER BE ABLE TO STOP OUR ASSAULT

ON THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN CHEMICAL-WEAPONS ARSENAL.

YOU'RE AFTER THAT EXPLOSIVE GAS --

THE STUFF THE ARMY BURIED AROUND HERE!

YOUR ARMY MAY HAVE QUALMS ABOUT USING SUCH WEAPONS,

BUT COBRA DOES NOT!

OH, NOW, WAIT JUST A COTTON-PICKING MINUTE!

CAN THE CHARADE! THIS IS ALL A FAKE!

TELL 'EM, ARNOLD.

Baroness: FOOL!

YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST MALE I EVER MET!

I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.

YOU VAIN, BABBLING, MORONIC PEACOCK!

MY MISSION WAS TO UNDERMINE JOE SUPPORT AND MORALE

BY FEEDING YOU MINDLESS DRIVEL FOR YOUR NEWS PROGRAM,

BUT THAT -- THAT SAILOR RUINED EVERYTHING!

GLAD TO OBLIGE, BARONESS.

PRELIMINARY SHOCK TROOPS, PREPARE TO MOVE OUT.

NOW!

ZARTAN, LEAD THE OPERATION.

I WILL STAY TO MONITOR JOE ACTIVITY.

WITHIN HOURS, ALL THE EXPLOSIVE GAS WILL BELONG TO COBRA!

AND YOU'RE JUST THE TYPE TO USE IT.

GOT HERE AS SOON AS I COULD.

THIS GUY HECTOR RAMIREZ IS THE TYPE OF NEWS MAN

WHO LOVES DOING A HATCHET JOB ON THE MILITARY.

-WHERE IS HE? -WE DON'T KNOW.

I HAD SHIPWRECK TAKE HIM AROUND THE BASE,

AND NOW HE AND SHIPWRECK ARE MISSING.

Breaker: DUKE! FLINT!

WE INTERCEPTED A COBRA RADIO MESSAGE.

THEY'RE ATTACKING THE CHEMICAL-WEAPONS ARSENAL!

WE CAN'T LET THEM GET THAT GAS. SOUND THE ALERT!

WE'LL WORRY ABOUT RAMIREZ LATER.

THANKS TO OUR TUNNELING MACHINES,

WE FOUND THIS PREVIOUSLY UNDISCOVERED CAVERN --

A PERFECT BASE FOR OUR OPERATIONS!

I ALWAYS SAID YOU COULDN'T TELL YOUR BASE

FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND!

I WILL NOT ALLOW SUCH IMPERTINENCE,

ESPECIALLY FROM AN ENLISTED MAN!

BARONESS, DO THE DISHONORS!

WITH PLEASURE.

Cobra Commander: PULVERIZE THEM!

EVERY COBRA TROOPER IN THE WORLD

WAS HIDDEN IN THAT MOUNTAIN!

[ FREEDOM SCREECHING ]

HE WANTS US TO SEE SOMETHING.

HELP, ANYBODY! HELP!

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL SAVE YOU...

FOR A PRICE.

ANYTHING!

[ ROARS ] ANYTHING!

WHERE'S SHIPWRECK AND THE OTHERS?

I-I DON'T KNOW.

-THEN ADIOS. -WAIT!

THEY MIGHT BE IN THE CAVERN.

SAVE ME AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW TO SNEAK IN.

NOW TALK.

WAIT!

ONE LAST REQUEST -- AN INTERVIEW!

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

AN INTERVIEW! I WANT TO INTERVIEW YOU!

SOUND THE ALARM!

FOOLS, TAKE OUT THE TOWERS ONLY!

HIT A GAS BUNKER, AND WE'LL ALL EXPLODE!

THIS IS THE NONLETHAL STUFF --

LAUGHING GAS, TEAR GAS, YOU KNOW.

THAT THERE'S THE EXPLOSIVE GAS.

RADIO COBRA COMMANDER THAT WE'RE BRINGING IT ALL IN.

WASTE NOT, WANT NOT.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ PANTING ]

HERE IT IS -- THE EXHAUST VENT THAT SNAKE TOLD US ABOUT.

RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES.

BARONESS, WE CAPTURED THE EXPLOSIVE GAS.

WHY ISN'T COBRA COMMANDER HERE TO WITNESS MY TRIUMPH?

HE'S BEING INTERVIEWED FOR TV.

THEN, AFTER LEADING A MUTINY AT MY MILITARY ACADEMY...

[ SIGHS ]

LISTEN UP, YOU BLOODY DINGOS!

EXPLOSIVE GAS TO THE LEFT!

LAUGHING GAS, TEAR GAS, AND THE REST BY THE COMMAND MODULE!

CAN YOU MAKE ANY MORE NOISE THAN THAT, ALPINE?

SHUT UP, UNLESS YOU WANT TO FLY DOWNSTAIRS.

MM. FLY. GOOD IDEA.

FREEDOM, FIND SHIPWRECK.

LOOK, AN EAGLE HAS GOTTEN INTO THE CAVERN.

BYE-BYE, BIRDIE.

FREEDOM!

YOU AIN'T COOKING MY FRIEND'S GOOSE!

THEY MUST'VE SPOTTED US.

NO SENSE BEING SUBTLE NOW.

All: YO-O-O, JOE!

G.I. JOE! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!

WHY AREN'T THEY SHOOTING BACK?

MAYBE 'CAUSE WE'RE SITTIN' ON A TRUCKLOAD OF EXPLOSIVE GAS.

-HEY, AIN'T THAT... -SHIPWRECK!

HE'S GONNA CRUSH THOSE GAS CYLINDERS!

[ LAUGHING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHING ]

ITCHING GAS!

[ LAUGHING ]

EXPLOSIONS!

THERE'LL BE A CAVE-IN!

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

WE'LL ALL BE CRUSHED TO PULP!

[ Laughing ] HATE TO LAUGH AND RUN,

BUT WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

[ LAUGHING ]

THEY'RE ESCAPING!

THE CAVERN'S EXPLODING!

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

NO!

[ LAUGHING ]

WE'D BETTER GET OUT BEFORE EVERYTHING COLLAPSES!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF WE DON'T GET OUT OF HERE [LAUGHS]

WE'RE FINISHED!

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, C'EST LA VIE, MATE!

NO, REALLY! COME ON!

WE MUST ESCAPE!

[ LAUGHS ]

ANY SIGN OF WHERE COBRA WENT?

NO. THE TRAIL SEEMS TO DISAPPEAR.

WAIT, LOOK OUT THERE!

Duke: THIS MUST BE COBRA'S DOING!

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

UH-OH!

SHIPWRECK!

WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME

WHAT THE BLOODY BLUE BLAZES IS GOING ON?!

[ LAUGHING ]

IT WAS GREAT!

IT WAS WONDERFUL!

EMMY MATERIAL!

A PULITZER PRIZE!

THERE'S WAS LAUGHING GAS AND FIGHTING

AND GUNS AND EXPLOSIONS!

I GOT IT ALL ON TAPE!

I'VE GOT TO GET THIS TO MY NETWORK!

FANTASTIC! WHAT A SCOOP!

MWAH! LOVE YOU!

YOU JOES ARE GREAT!

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

I'D LIKE AN EXPLANATION FOR ALL THIS.

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

ON SECOND THOUGHT... FORGET IT.