Original subtitles

How was everything, madam? I'm afraid I won't be paying.

There was a hair in my food.

Floppy. Very floppy. But you still ate the food. And this is the third time

this week this has happened. What can I say? Maybe you British people need to

shave your shift more often.

It's almost as though you're trying to get out of paying the bill.

You are hilarious.

That really tickled me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom

Hey there, Dylan.

Oh, it's not what it looks like.

What does it look like? Like you're dealing drugs.

No, no way.

Mate, mate, I think I gave you two 20s instead of a 20 and a 10 for the drug.

Just don't tell Mum and Dad. What kind of drugs are we talking about?

Quaalude, K2, benzodiazepines, they're hot right now. How do you know all of

this? I used to live four doors down from Snoop Dogg. We used to get high and

watch American Idol.

Man, I miss Nook Dog Sundays.

Do you want to see my weed farm?

Hell yeah!

Ha!

Yeah, we used to shame people around bungalows, so this is a nice change.

Whoa!

Come on in.

All righty then.

This place is huge.

It reminds me of my old pool house.

Literally, there's just a big thing there.

Why not make a little bit of extra money?

Welcome to my drug empire.

What have you got there?

Some of my old diaries.

I thought I might write them up into a book.

Is this because of your sister?

Ken, you're great, just as you are. Look what you've achieved.

What have I achieved?

Well, I wasn't really expecting follow-up there. Thank you.

Morning, Thompson.

Can't stay and chat. Got deals to do. But I just thought I'd bring round some

gifts before I go and meet Aunty Ivy.

Mum, transfer you.

Rach, there you are.

Don't really like spending so much time with her, Dylan. She's a very damaged,

troubled individual with amazing hair.

No offence, but she's much cooler than any of you pricks.

Dylan, that is very offensive.

Wow, Armani!

Mm, the real deal.

Yeah, there's only one R in Armani.

Yeah, all right, they're fakes, but come on, they're the best fakes on the

market. They weren't cheap.

You know, there are other ways of showing someone you love them other than

consumerism. Me and Tash were talking about this yesterday. We think we should

just get rid of consumerism. Just get rid of it, yeah?

Yeah. So all shops and businesses have gone.

Well, I hope you've grown some veg, Rachel, because we're going to be shit

all for dinner tonight.

Well argued, Dad. Oh, there's an inscription. Love you, Mum.

Twat. Thanks.

Oi.

Where's my gift?

A grand.

Cash. If you shit yourself right now.

Dylan, I have told you before, I am not going to deliberately shit my pants.

Fair enough.

But I'll find your ceiling one day.

Oh, wow. Listen to this.

Met a girl at the Hummingbird tonight.

Lorna. Asked her out for a drink next week. Oh, you two.

Sweet, wasn't I? Yeah. She seems all right, but the nose will go anywhere.

She's only an estate agent.

Oh, now, contact is important here.

Only an estate agent?

Ken, I had men fighting in the streets over me. Well, you didn't, did you,

Lorne? You just lived in a rough area.

Oh, come on, Lorne. Everyone thinks estate agents are cogs.

Great.

I'm a cock.

Thanks very much.

No, Lorne.

Don!

Look at Dylan. It all proves my point.

Boy George was on top of the pups again.

She's beautiful.

The 80s were a very confusing decade.

I've got the prize for you. We've slightly expanded.

Like Dylan?

Oh, my God.

Give me the lead.

It's massive.

I can't believe you've done all of this. Please, it was your idea.

Think of me as barely involved, untraceable.

I'm willing to give you 100% of the credit for just 50% of the money. That

is so solid of you to do that because you're the one who's done all the work.

Okie dokie, we're done here.

Just think about the money you'll be making.

You'll be able to buy a place like this.

Yeah, eight beds, swim pool.

Heck, this place even has a panic room.

Panic room? We used to have his and hers panic rooms.

So, obviously, being a drug dealer is really great, and I'm not scared of

prison. You know, I can do time.

But it's just, this whole thing now, all of a sudden, seems a lot more illegal

than what I had going before.

Illegal? It's weed. In America, you can buy it at the store.

And you are American, so none of this is illegal.

Oh, my God, that's awesome. Sure.

Today, wheat farm. Tomorrow, drug factory. And you know what happens in

drug factories.

Uh, murders?

The women have to go topless to stop them from stealing the product.

But hang on, when you say topless, do you mean like bras, or is it actually

all out?

Because sometimes when you go to these topless beaches, you get there and the

women aren't even properly topless, and it's like I've driven all the way there,

and they must know as well as I do that petrol does not grow on trees.

They can be as topless as you want.

Well, then count me in, partner.

Silent partner.

Well, OK, then.

Your mum's still not returning my texts.

What should I do?

Er, maybe say sorry I belittled your career, your life, and cheapened any

sense of self-worth that you have.

Rachel, it was something I wrote 30 years ago.

And besides, estate agents aren't exactly saving lives, are they?

Later, Dad.

Where are you off to?

I'm off to meet Ben and Tash.

You're not still into Ben, are you?

You're spending a lot of time with him and his new girlfriend.

Oh, my God.

No way. I mean, I love Ben, but... Who's Ben?

But Tash. Tash is really cool. We're all going to this protest art thing.

There'll be hundreds of us, naked outside the bullring.

Why? We're protesting inequality.

Right. Well, I'm sure inequality's going to take a while to get over that

kicking.

if I could book an appointment to see the three-bed terrace on Colville?

Great.

Who covers that area for you?

Lorna Thompson.

Okay. Yeah.

My name?

It's, um... David Steele.

The tale, Luna Top... Ken.

28 years ago, I was wrong.

I made a mistake.

You're not just an estate agent.

You're a hero.

Oh. In any way.

Yeah, there's a few bad apples, but if it wasn't for an estate agent, where

would the apprentice get all their wankers from?

Sorry?

Don't come here, you big softy.

Well, you sure know how to make a big romantic gesture, Ken.

I'm not Ken.

Ken belittles people's careers.

David Steele would never do that.

Although, he did have some pretty harsh words to say about David Owen's

leadership of the FDP.

Sorry.

Champagne? Maybe later, Mr Steele.

Call me David.

Tell me more about David Steele. Really?

Well, liberal leader from 76 to 88, for my money is still... Shut up, Ken. I

don't need the actual facts.

You're ruining the moment.

Are we having a moment?

Well, we're alone together in an empty house, and you have 45

minutes of your viewing time left.

It's on your nose.

It's on yours now.

What's up with you two?

You joined a cult?

Just a man and a woman.

High on love and life, Rachel.

Let's just say your dad has made his way back into my good books.

Oh, that's nice.

Twice.

We might need some help when it comes time to harvest. The homes will work for

nothing, right?

You two have been spending a lot of time together.

What can I say?

We're growing our relationship.

Yeah, I guess we'd farm much... Shut up now, Dylan, honey.

Right.

Nathan!

Dean! Rachel, nice evening.

Starting to really feel like spring.

What are you doing?

Just checking up on my beloved, Ivy.

Something weird's going on between her and Dylan.

Yeah, I've sort of noticed that.

Spending the whole day together.

Private conversations.

Yeah, I'm pretty clear on what's happening here.

An incestuous aunt and nephew relationship.

Are you insane?

It's not what is happening. It's obvious. I blame Game of Thrones.

It used to be that incest was frowned upon. Illegal. Now, since your

Lannisters are doing the Norfolk nasty every other week, the box is wide open.

Steve, even for you this is mental. There is absolutely no incest going on

in our family.

Coming from a woman who slept with her husband's son?

That was... complicated.

Nothing going on here. Dylan would never... I mean, he'd probably never...

Mind you, he had done some weird stuff.

Even he'd... wouldn't he?

Only one way to find out tomorrow you and me will follow them a good old

-fashioned stakeout. Okay, fine, but if I agree to do this, you leave us alone

and stop watching us eat.

Deal. Okay. See you at 0800 and bring a gun if you've got one.

Good evening, Mr. Steele.

Oh.

Tell me this.

Miss Thompson.

You find me alone.

My husband's just popped out.

Man, the damn fool.

Leaving you alone with a man like me around.

Yeah, the prick.

Lorne. Sorry, I got a bit too into it. Come on, kiss me.

David, you're so powerful.

Well, what David still wants, he gets.

That's why it's a relatively unknown liberal backpack. he was able to pass

meaningful reform on abortion.

OK, let's stop, Ken.

Sorry, love, it's just not this time.

No, I know.

It's just earlier was so bad, so exciting in a strange house. We could

have been caught at any moment.

I've got an hour free for viewings tomorrow.

Do you think David Steele would like to view another property?

Well, I hear he's in town and he liked what he saw today.

And he is a very motivated buyer.

Oh, yeah.

I hear he has a sizable deposit.

Yes, he does.

And he's chain-free.

That one doesn't work. No, it doesn't.

Better get some sleep, Mr. Steele. You're going to need your energy

tomorrow.

Night, Lorne. Night, Ken.

Look at it.

My own drug empire.

Made this much money in a week?

Man, we make a good team. With my brains and your... teeth?

Yeah, I've always had really good teeth. Grab the broken lamp.

We gotta get out of here.

And let the money grow!

So what do we do now?

Play the old waiting game.

The old watch and wait. Look.

And learn.

Hide and seek.

Dance. Yeah, quit it without talking.

Not my style, Rach.

Can I tempt you to some steak out food?

Oh, Steve, why the hell have you bought a tub of lamb?

It's got everything.

Protein, vitamins, zinc, the testosterone.

It's vital if things kick off. No, I can't have lamb. I'm vegan now.

Me and Tess are both vegan.

Actually, it's really interesting. I hate to break it to you, Rachel. It's

not interesting.

It's not interesting at all.

I've made us a stakeout mixtape.

Hope you like show tunes.

Hey, Tash.

Yeah, I'm on a stakeout.

No, Steve.

Yeah, I know. Mental, right?

Oh, no, no, you're right.

Mental problematic term.

I said it's a problematic term.

You've been a real find.

When I first came to Litchfield, England, I thought all the Thompsons

were failures. No offence.

I mean, they are. They are all fuck-ups.

Well, but not you.

You've got big jacks, James.

And I tell you what, you are not the only one with brains, because I have

come up with the best plan for how we can shift the rest of our weed.

Great. Who better to deal drugs than drug dealers?

Come again?

Yeah, so I've been in touch with the big local dealer, told him about our setup,

asked him to come down for a sample. Genius or what?

Dylan, you total idiot.

We have no security, and you advertised our setup to a rival drug dealer.

He's not going to steal it.

It's the dealer's code.

Oh, my God.

Did Lorna drop you on your head every day? Is that why there's nothing in

there?

Panic room. Panic room.

Fucking kill.

Shit, wait.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. What are we going to do?

Sit your ass down, think about how dumb you are, and hope they don't break into

the attic.

Can't be a really tearing the place apart.

You're too strong, David. You're too powerful.

Take me upstairs, David. Take me upstairs and make love to me.

Say my name.

David Steele.

Vote for me.

Vote for me.

Nothing happened?

Nope.

No? No.

We're gonna take a look.

There must be some way of getting the security system online.

Shitting me.

Look at your parents.

We've got company.

God, you think they're the drug dealers.

Of course they're the drug dealers. What if they find mom and dad? Good point,

champ. Go get them. I am not going near that.

You're the one who invited rival drug dealers to our wheat farm.

I'm coming!

Dolph! Fucking hell, Tash!

Did you shit yourself?

Let me come along. I'm doing the stakeout.

It's not anything dangerous, is it? No, it's pretty boring, Ben, to be honest

with you.

Right, put some clothes on. You are both coming with me. Dylan! I don't want to

hear about it, OK? Just cover yourselves up and come quickly.

I'm dressed, Dylan.

I'm dressed.

What the hell are you doing here? I had a viewing book. Yes, I saw your viewing,

Mum, and I will deal with that one day in therapy, but right now the priority

is to just get the fuck out of here.

Where's Dad?

Steve should be out by now.

What if he's in trouble?

Let's check it out.

Or we could just stay here and... No, I can't.

You're in a drug hellhole.

It's only a little one, Mum.

This is your doing, isn't it? I knew you were a bad influence the minute you came

into our house. I didn't know anything about your son's weed farm.

I'm as shocked as you are.

We have to do something.

Your dad could be caught at any minute.

Bloody hell, is he dancing?

Yes, please, police.

Not a good play, Lorna. The police come, you have to show them your son's drug

empire. Mum, mum, I can't go to prison. Please tell the policeman I'm not going

to prison, mum. I'll be good.

Fine, but get your dad out of bed now.

And give those men your dope. Oh, mum, nobody calls it dope. Just do it, Dylan.

Bad idea, Dylan. Think about the money. All that hard work. You want to give it

away for 10?

What happened?

Dad! What's up?

Kate. What are you doing here?

Open your eyes, Rachel.

He's in on the old insect thing too.

Couldn't resist, could you, Ken?

Picking apples from your own orchard. Shut up, Steve.

What is going on? Right.

Give us the farm now or we do it the hard way.

Who the fuck are you?

No, stop, stop. Please, please, please. Take everything. Take the whole farm.

Just don't hurt anyone.

Especially me.

Everything? Yeah, go for it. Just take it all. I'll give you the keys. Don't

shoot. Just don't shoot.

We can sort this out through dialogue.

Mum, Mum, I've sorted it, OK? They're going to leave.

Dylan set up a drug farm in this house.

Did he indeed?

I hope you have learnt a valuable lesson, young man.

Yes, I did, Ashley. It was don't break into random houses and start shagging.

Oh, wait, that was you, Dad.

It is, but it really does have to be seen to be belie... Lorna?

Oh,

hi, Amanda.

You remember my husband, Ken.

Hello, Amanda.

Don't forget to show them around the library. It's a lovely space, isn't it,

everyone? It's beautiful.

Full of books. And I believe the schools are excellent in the area.

Really excellent, yeah.

Yeah, I went to that school.

They've got really good marks, actually.

So, would you like to see the library?