Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host and founder, Mrs.

Ivy Middlethorpe.

Howdy, y'all.

May I say how wonderful it is to be here among so many old, old

friends. And what do all these old friends have in common?

Here's a hint. It's green, it folds, and it rhymes with truck roads of honey.

Seriously. Give generously.

Here.

Well? We found him.

Ken Thompson.

He's an attorney who lives in Litchfield, England.

My, my.

Ken Thompson.

Wife, Lorna?

Kids, Rachel, Dylan, Sid.

Funny story.

Seven years ago, Rachel, the daughter, married this eccentric hippie, a guy

named Cuckoo.

How long does this story last?

It's fairly convoluted. Just give me the file. I'll catch up on the plane.

My, my.

I have a brother.

So, tell us about your trip, love.

Pierre Leon was so intense.

It made me realise I need to get my shit together.

Start working for what I believe in. Otherwise, the world is forever going to

be run by boring, white, middle-aged men.

Sorry, Dad.

No, I'm sorry for all injustice ever.

Point is, I am an independent woman.

The world needs to feel my power.

You still say, Mada? Yeah, is that all right?

Where's Dale?

Yeah, I'm sorry, Sid.

Er, he's gone.

Speak. Hi, am I speaking with Ken Thompson?

Yep. Great.

Ken, how's it going today?

Yeah, it's great, thank you. So great that it's going great. I'm just reaching

out about your meeting with Ivy Middlefart next week. She's super

excited. Never heard of her. So you're saying you're not going to meet with her

when she comes to the UK next Wednesday? Yes, as I've already said. Look, can you

go through my secretary?

It's the weekend over here, and in England we have this thing called not

working. Okay, I'll talk to your assistant, and we can arrange another

time for you and your sister to meet.

Sorry.

My sister.

A sister.

I've got a sister and she's coming to see us. It's exciting.

I always felt sorry for you, Ken.

An only child.

Huge and isolated.

So, your biological dad, Big Jack, had another kid in America.

Yeah, before he had his fling with my mum.

Well, my wife is coming to see us now. She obviously won't come in. I'd say

that's unlikely.

The Mittelfart Foundation is a charitable endeavour dedicated to the

improvement of human life, founded by billionaire Ron Mittelfart and wife Ivy.

Sorry, did you say billionaire?

Yeah. Bloody hell, we should probably tidy up.

He's a financier.

Yeah, that's the sort that prey on developing economies.

She's probably got a blink in your thumb.

Oh, my God.

She probably knows Barack Obama.

We'd get on me and him.

Yeah, he'd like me, Barack.

Not so worried about having a sister now, are you? I'm getting used to it

gradually.

Tonight we shall be eating a la gourmande.

To start, your guilty pleasure.

Scallops. Ooh, and a bacon cream.

Oh, I love that stuff.

Like pork toothpaste.

What a fantastic summer evening.

God, Mum, I like this outfit.

Oh, thanks, Dil.

Smells glorious, big guy, and I have got the perfect Malbec. High country,

stuffed with blackcurrant. It's like why Nina grew up and got naughty.

Wow. I have always wanted a child for the shit-breath of the 80s. So what

times aren't arriving? Struggling to shift that converted windmill out by

Fradley. Need a high-worth purchaser.

Rachel,

you're back.

Dylan. Yeah, I'd heard you'd become an estate agent. No surprise.

Yeah, well, it's a job, isn't it?

Beats being the kind of loser that's 27 and still living at home with their

payroll. That's exactly your situation, isn't it? Funny.

OK, all right. Now, remember, my picture is a pretty classy customer, so,

everyone, just pretend to be better than you actually are.

Ill met by moonlight, proud Ken.

Oh, God.

Saw candles in the kitchen, looked like a party.

So, flagon of homebrew and a brace of pheasant I clipped on the morning drive.

The tie tracks will wash off.

It's a family dinner, Steve.

Really? Ain't no room for Uncle Steve.

You and I are not related.

That beaker, you creepy fraggle.

She's here.

Oh, bachamas.

Sweet bachamas.

Do I like that coconut?

Oh, Ken.

The image. The image of daddy. It's like he's been born again, brought up in

England, and strapped on a belly.

Ken,

brother. Can we hug?

Do I not?

Well,

this is my family. This is my wife, Lorna.

My daughter, Rachel.

Look at you, tiny, tiny girl.

And your son, quite the young stud.

Oh, no, he's only four.

Oh, no, that's Dylan.

This is Steve. He is not a member of the family.

Steve Chance.

Uber driver, unlicensed medic, aspirant warlock. I have many girlfriends.

Okay, my turn.

This is Teagrum, my PA.

Oh.

And this is Miss Tiggly Tom.

Nothing. We are best friends.

Aren't we precious?

Well, look, let's all go inside. Well, I do have a few bags.

Oh, not a problem. We'll help, won't we? Absolutely.

Thank you.

Sweet,

sweet pajamas.

Yeah? Well, can this?

Well, would you look at this?

Modest, but I bet to you guys it feels like a palace. Am I right?

Yes, I'm right.

Munchkin land.

When I was 18, I dreamed of doing something really good for the world. But

then I realized I was extremely good looking, so I decided to model.

Modeling? That was exciting.

Oh, Lorna, modeling is so superficial.

But you do meet a lot of rich men.

I remember the day that I met Ron.

Then I found out he was a billionaire. It was love.

Two weeks later, Whitney Houston was singing at our wedding for crack money.

But enough about me. Tell me about you.

Oh, okay. Well, I grew up around here, and I headed up a law firm around here.

Then I changed job, and now I'm at a new place around here doing law.

Yeah.

Isn't it fascinating?

Here, my life has been so extraordinary, and you with half the same genes are so

ordinary.

I find that sort of beautiful.

Oh, yes.

Yes, it is.

It's sort of beautiful, isn't it?

Yes.

Don't worry, I'll get her down. She just gets very upset when we fly. I'll give

her some Xanax.

She's all right, isn't she?

She seems nice.

Yes. Gorgeous. I know Ron hasn't called us, but trust me, honey, he would not

abandon us like this.

Now, what about your mindfulness?

Close your eyes. Feel your breath.

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

That's right.

Just notice your breath.

Rachel. Talking T-Dog there?

Oh, yes.

We talk all the time, but usually not in public, because when you tell people

that your dog is your best friend and most trusted advisor, they think you're

kind of crazy.

Would you look at you?

Oh, you know, I think you have a touch of the family's good looks. Just a

touch, but it's there.

Oh, honey, come on in and tell Aunt Ivy all about the boys.

And, well, I'm just focusing on my career at the moment.

I work in charity.

Oh, I've done charity all my life. Yeah. You know, sometimes it's not the system.

Sometimes they are just lazy.

Are they?

Now, you may think this sounds shallow, but it seems to me that you are trying

to sell this when you should be selling this.

Because this seems like a grade C commodity, while this, whoo! Valid

B.

Great chat on Toby.

I'm just going to... Come on, you silly duck. Yes,

you're a snow body.

To us.

To what?

I must say, it is pretty cool to have a sister.

I know. Look at us. To Daddy.

To Big Jack.

May he be in heaven, playing his harp, impregnating all the angels.

You're funny.

We should probably get down to business.

Oh, absolutely.

What business?

You must be wondering why I'm here.

Well, you came to see me, I've presumed.

Of course, that. Mostly that.

There is another thing, a little proposition I have for you.

Oh, okay.

I'm listening.

Ken, how do you feel about death?

I would say I'm not the man.

Me too.

Life good, death bad.

That is my unique take on it. So, what if I were to tell you, you don't have to

die? Well, I'd say. Someone get this woman away from me. She's insane.

Ken, I'm serious.

Mine and Ron's foundation studies genes and aging.

Now, our shared father possessed a fascinating genotype. Our scientists

discovered that for people with his genes, there is a chance in time they

could wholly eliminate the effects of aging.

What?

So we could live forever?

No. You've got me all wrong. Oh, well, good.

I could live forever.

Me. Ivy Middlefart.

I could be young and beautiful and alive forever.

All I need from my brand new brother is a chance to do research on his dead

body.

But I'm not dead.

Not yet.

But I'm saying I give you a fat load of cash now, and then when you croak, my

foundation gets in there and does experiments on your corpse.

Simple.

I'm sorry, are you... Are you offering...

To pay to acquire my flesh.

When you're dead, geez, you're making it sound so strange.

It's strange.

It's very strange.

Anyway, who says I'm going to die first?

Oof. Oh.

Now, what figure would you put on your corpse?

And don't try to stiff me. I'm not paying by the bound.

Wow. You are cold.

I'm going to make you an offer. We'll go by the bank in the morning.

I'll pay you in gold.

That'll be fun, won't it?

Plus, it's good for me.

No paper trail.

Well, you don't have to worry about the paper trail, because my answer is no.

Ken Thompson's cadaver is not for sale.

200 grand.

And run it by me again. You said... Anything's hot. I think you should just

turn up here and buy me.

Absolutely. It's terrible.

I mean, you would be dead.

I thought I was going to have a sister.

I thought we'd have a relationship.

Well, do you still want a relationship?

Not after this.

So what's the difference? We'd just have to burn you anyway.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I hadn't stopped to consider how inconvenient not selling my corpse would

be for you.

We could... We could take a year off.

Travel. Build that conservatory.

You would sell my body for a conservatory?

Well... Really, Lord?

You could get a barge.

So glad you saw sense.

Well, you helped me out.

I help you out. It's just families helping each other out, isn't it? Just

admit it. You're greedy for the cash.

Free money.

You love it, don't you? No. I just know a good deal when I see one.

I bet I could get you to do anything.

I'll give you a hundred pounds if you howl like a wolf.

Well, that shows how much you know.

Keep it.

Two hundred.

300. Oh, thank you.

400. And that is my final offer, and it better be one hell of a howl.

Hello, Mrs. Middlefart. I have 400

,000 in gold. That's two each, I believe.

I'm sorry, I should just get this.

Go on, get it.

Touch your lovely gold.

So shiny.

I'll fetch the paperwork. You make yourselves comfortable.

Where are you headed to next?

I don't know.

Miami, Monaco, Dubai.

All of the places for twats. Oh, please.

I don't need your approval.

Hello? Hi, David.

Right.

Got it.

I'm going.

Grab the gold.

What? Grab the gold, man, and hurry!

What the

hell

is going on? Nothing's going on. Just that that room was a little

claustrophobic.

Get in there.

What are you doing?

Okay, don't overreact.

That was our tourney on the phone, and Ron's been arrested for fraud.

Fraud? What kind of fraud?

Some kind of bond scheme he's been running for years involving certain

Ponzi-like accumulators. I just found out about it for the first time. It was

not that long a phone call.

Quiet. They've frozen my assets, and I need that cash.

You walk out with the gold, I'll distract you. them. No, it's not.

As far as they know, we think the gold's still mine.

And until they know, we know it's not. It's all innocent.

I am not walking out of the bunker.

Didn't you take chemistry?

Gold is a non-agnetic metal.

They can't detect it.

Really?

Yeah. I think I do remember that.

Just think of them a lot, brother.

Hi, Guy.

What's up?

You were gone so long, I thought I would just take a look around.

Mrs. Mishapot, there's been an irregularity. Might we step back into my

office? It would be my pleasure, sir.

I, um, I was just thinking one day I'd, um, I'd really like to go and look for

some metal.

You know, with one of those metal detectors. Yeah, sounds fun, like

searching for riches.

Yeah, yeah, like a buried treasure, yeah.

Nice.

But then, there'd be no point in looking for gold, would there, because it's not

magnetic, is it?

No.

If it's not magnetic, that makes sense, yeah.

Okay. So I've been wasting my time looking for gold, haven't I? Oh, God,

yeah. Wasting your time.

Although, like, they must have found a way of detecting gold.

Do you think?

Yeah.

You know what? This has been a wonderful conversation.

We should talk again.

I'd like that. Oh.

No, no thanks.

But I can...

Leave any bags here, sir. Oh, no, no, thank you. No bags.

No bags.

Cheers.

Right. Well, the machines detect gold.

Right. Because we're a bank with loads of gold in.

No, that doesn't make sense.

I wasn't stealing, though.

I genuinely, genuinely thought it was mine.

Genuinely.

For some reason, my brother tried to walk out of the bank with some gold.

Yeah, they let him go.

Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?

What am I going to do?

I have no money.

I have no money.

Oh, my God.

I am going to have to be ordinary like you.

Waking up in the morning, making breakfast, listening to radio DJs.

Smiling like it's not the worst thing in the world.

Ken, brother, do you think I could stay with you for a few months

just till I get back on my feet?

Yeah, that's tempting because on one hand, you're a vain, fraudulent, rude

woman with no interest in me or my family beyond what you can buy.

And on the other hand, I find you really annoying.

Now that is the same hand, isn't it? You could just say no.

No.

Fine.

Tigran!

Shit.

I was never sure about that conservatory anyway.

No? You were sure enough to sell my body for it.

Don't be like that.

Just... If I ever did lose you, it would be nice to have somewhere to sit.

I'm ready.

Ah.

I called the Uber, like you said.

So this is goodbye.

Okay, toodaloo.

The FBI will be waiting for me at JFK, so... That'll be nice.

Well, enjoy the interrogation. Good luck with the waterboarding. It's meant to be

horrible. Just so you know... I really did.

Like meeting you all, even though it was for only one night.

Ah, and that ploy failed entirely.

Hey there.

Airport, please.

The airport it is, Ms. Middleton.

If you're thirsty, there's my self-bottled spring water.

Anything else I can offer, please ask.

And I mean anything.

There she goes.

Hey, I'm glad to see the back of her, frankly.

The last thing we need is another eccentric American creating havoc in our

lives.