Original subtitles

Previously on Cuckoo. Would you do me the honor of permitting me, Dale

Ashbrick, to propose to your daughter?

Should your focus be wedding rings?

You haven't got a job. You are looking at 49% owner of all Dale and Steve's

pals. Steve's already got the lead.

Why do I feel scared?

Rachel said she needed more space to think about her pattern in life.

So I found a place in England with the most space there is. I needed time to

think, not some kind of non-consensual Duke of Edinburgh.

A job's come up, a real one.

Where is it?

It's in Sierra Nevada.

Or Lyon. The African one.

Oh, wow.

genuine question. You built this. Just you and Steve.

Well, it was mainly me. Steve preferred to supervise.

He made me work with my top off a lot.

Sometimes my pants, too.

All right.

Ah.

Wow.

I actually meant to shove a coat of magnolia on it. Oh, I'm sorry. I can

wash it off. No, no, no. No, leave it.

It's beautiful.

It's all Steve's power. I mean, look at this place.

And they said we'd never make it happen.

Who did? Ken, Lorna, Connie, the postman, my kids, the BBC West Midlands,

your girlfriend.

Yeah, to be fair, I did say that. Still, we showed them.

But the question is now, are you ready?

I think so.

Busy day?

Yeah, right.

Plotting my return to Herbert Redcliffe's solicitors as chief partner.

Don't you think it's time that you started looking for another job?

That'll be fine, man. I mean, a vacancy for a giant dickhead is bound to come up

somewhere soon.

I don't need to look for a new job because I'm getting my old one back.

Oh, yeah?

How are you planning to do that?

I know how you can get your old job back.

Oh, right.

Come on, then. What's the big idea?

Well, you take the other partners for a nice, friendly curry.

Except for that Jane one. With her, you want to say you're doing a charity

skydive. And then when you're up there, rip the safety cord from her parachute,

strangle her with it and then shove her out the plane.

Say something really cool like, are you round?

That might actually work.

The curry bit, obviously, not the horrifying murder.

Well, if I was going to do that, I'd say something cooler than see you around.

Is it a bird?

Is it a Jane?

I'll beat as Jane.

Richard, I've... Oh.

Yeah, murder her or don't murder her, because I really don't give a shit.

I'm starting to worry about Dylan.

Yeah? What was the turning point? When he's shat in his girlfriend's bath or

two years later when he's shagged her mum?

Good point.

Anyway, this plan.

Me and all the partners out for a curry tomorrow night. No Jane there to poison

them against me.

Classic divide and conquer.

Jane, the hopeless perks.

Me, Genghis Khan.

Yes, I'm in favour with her employees.

It means I'm Miss Dale's opening night, but... Hello.

I'd like to book a table for six tomorrow night, please.

The name?

Genghis Khan.

No, just Kenneth. Fine.

Good night, Chief Ken. Good night, Lorna.

Night, Dylan.

Jesus, you better.

My bad. Sorry.

Wow. Dylan sure does love to masturbate.

Wow.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to sleep. I'm so excited for the launch.

Dale, if I was to ask you to do something that was bad for you, like, I

don't know, eat raw pork, would you do it?

I have to hand me the sausage.

You know I'd do anything for you, right?

Yeah, I do.

So when do you want me to do it?

Because I'm going to be pretty busy tomorrow with the launch, but I might be

able to pop back a few sausages in the morning.

That's cool.

That's a relief.

In hypothetical means.

You don't have to eat the sausage.

Oh. Okay. Awesome.

It's only for six months.

They'll be back before you know it. Yeah. Sierra Leone?

Wow. Oh, it's a beautiful part of Asia.

It's Africa.

Yes, I knew that.

Anyway, you two are going to have a great time over there.

I don't think I should bring Dale.

Oh, Jesus, it's a biggie.

Is this because he stranded you on the Pennines? You can't stay angry at him

forever. I'm not angry.

Dale's happy here.

He'd put his life into his bar, and if I ask him to come, he'll come. And do you

want him to come? No, I want him to come, but deep down, even if he says he

wants to come, I know he wants to stay, and I have to go.

I'm all over the shop here, Rach.

What is he trying to say?

Don't you do anything for me, and this wouldn't be fair.

If I ask him to come, he'll say yes.

He's like a big, lovely... Labrador.

Even catch his frisbees in his mouth.

Yeah, that's hard.

Terrible, aren't you? It's just crazy.

Hey, guys!

Well, hi, Ken.

What are you doing here, aren't you?

Just because I've been fired means I can't come into my own workplace

anymore. Um, yeah.

I actually swung by to see if you guys fancy going out for a big old curry

tonight.

My treat. You can have a rice and a naan.

Unlimited chutney. I mean, up to a point, obviously, don't take the piss,

but... Yeah, all right. Sounds good, yeah?

Great! And, Harry, probably best if we don't invite Jane, eh?

Might be a little bit more fun if it's just us lads.

Oh, yeah, probably better without her anyway.

It's a fun sponge.

Oh, dear.

Things not going great with Jane.

She's cracking the whip, mate.

She won't even let us watch The Good Wife in the office anymore.

We're all out of think.

No one doesn't even know we'll die.

What? That is a shame.

An office needs fun, guys.

But then, that is Jane, isn't it?

Cruel. Harsh.

Dour.

Joyless. Really kills the mood in any room, doesn't she? Yeah, like a fart in

her lip.

But the Germans will keep re-electing her.

Won't they?

You've got to hand it to the woman. She's... Hello, Jane.

Ken, what are you doing here? I thought you'd be at home watching daytime telly

and payday lola.

Ken's taking us for a curry tonight.

Great.

I'll stick it in the diary.

Glad you can make it.

I know what you're doing, Ken.

Excuse me? If you think you can buy your job back with a chicken korma, and yet

even more ridiculous than you look, see you tonight.

Of course she would order a coma.

Hey, Dio.

Hey, Steve.

What's in the box?

Oh, high-class beachside tiki bar dress code.

Bikinis, budgie smugglers, perfect for that beachside vibe.

All free.

Lost property from the local leisure centre.

That's genius.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I can't believe we're finally ready.

Ah, we're more than ready.

Box of swimwear.

And the cheapest strippers in the Midlands booked.

Boom! Boom.

I just wish Chief Ken was going to be here to see it. Also, it's still no to

the strippers.

Well, Ken isn't coming.

Is it something I said?

Ah, I wasn't there enough for him. That's it, isn't it? No, he's just made

plans. Okay, I took my eye off the ball. Connie was back, and we had a trial on

separation.

Thirteen days in a travel lodge, round-the-clock lovemaking and rolling

news. Tell Ken I can change.

Right, but it's not you.

Huh? He's just organized a curry for a bunch of people at his office.

Curry? Yeah. Oh, sorry.

He needs to get his job back.

I get it.

I just really wish he was going to be here so I could propose to Rachel and...

He could see that I'm worthy of marrying his daughter. It's your marriage

material. I'll marry you in a shot.

Just say the word.

No.

Unless... No, you're right. Never will.

Hey,

don't worry about Ken.

I'll sort it out.

Nina, it's Rachel.

Rachel, hi.

The Sierra Leo vacancy.

That's still open, right?

God, yeah.

I cannot begin to tell you how fucked it is over there. Like, really fucked.

I'd like to take it. Fab. Can you get the embassy in London tomorrow morning

for nine?

Only otherwise I'll have to find someone else.

Tomorrow? It wouldn't mean going tonight.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can. Good, because, and again, I cannot stress this enough.

They are fucked.

Goodbye. Yeah, bye.

There's no keyhole.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Done and done.

Evening.

I smell it, Lorne.

They hate Jane and they want big Ken back.

It's going to be mutiny on the bargy.

Come on, that was good.

You shouldn't have to do this. You're better than them.

Where's that big, sexy tree of a man who wanted to change the world through

affordable tax and property law?

He's tired, Lorne.

You don't need them.

You could work for yourself. Maybe even start your own firm.

What?

I can't just go round setting up a new Litchfield law firm.

Are you out of your mind?

It would be quite easy. Don't you just register at a company's house?

Don't you do not, Claudia.

There are forms to be signed.

Signed in triplicate.

Oh, well.

Where is he?

Do you not work with Ken?

Yes, why?

There's been a change of plan.

He wants you all to meet him somewhere else.

Where?

It's a surprise.

Come on.

Why isn't it you?

I'm your Uber.

Chop-chop.

Come on, chop-chop. You missed the fun.

Come on, Missy.

Oh, my God.

Pop a thumbs, please.

All the chips.

It's amazing, really.

I mean, Litchfield is the shittest place on earth.

And he opened a bar in the shittest part of it. Just be nice, dinner. Dale needs

our support.

It's like shit squared.

And Rachel's leaving him. She's not leaving him. It's only for six months.

I mean, you're not supposed to say anything.

Rachel's going to talk to him after the launch.

The launch of the world's shittiest... ...bar.

Welcome to Old Steve's Town!

Hey, guys.

It is so amazing. I knew you could do it, bro.

It's really good, Dale.

There is so much funny in here. I don't know how you do it.

Neither do I.

Where's Rachel?

She's not coming.

Why? I can't tell you why, Dale.

Okay, fine.

But you didn't hear it from me.

Okay. She's packing her bags and leaving tomorrow morning. She's going to Vieira

Leone. She's leaving?

She didn't want to tell you tonight because she didn't want to ruin your

launch. Well, smart move. It totally has.

She's so perceptive.

But wait.

Rachel has to be here.

I mean, all of this is to show her how committed I am. I'm only doing this for

Rachel. Are you? Yes.

Well, then, in that case, you have to tell her now.

Go get her, Dale.

Go get her. I will.

All Steve's pals.

Help yourselves to swimwear from the box.

Line them up.

Ken,

you have to get down to all Steve's pals now. The partners are... Loan.

I can't talk now. The partners will be here any minute.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Come on, is that here?

What?

Excuse

me!

You made it. What do you think?

What do I think?

I think I'm going to kill you. I'm not having a figure of speech.

I can actually kill you.

It's my professional life, and you have kidnapped my colleagues. Kidnapped is a

strong word. You kidnapped them.

You brought them to this.

Quite nice bar.

Ken, take a deep breath and drink this.

Yeah, your colleagues are here. Look, they're having a great time.

Look, Sandeep's got a tie on his head, Adrian's vaping, and I'm pretty sure

Noel has done a pill.

They've had three drinks all night and I told them they were courtesy of you.

Ken!

Great night!

I can't believe you rained all day!

We missed you, big guy.

Come back to the firm!

This might be the cocktail talking.

I'll be back, Ken.

I'll be back.

I haven't had an erection in three years, Ken!

Big guy.

Please don't go.

Oh.

You found it. Is this?

Yep.

Rachel Thompson, will you... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, just FYI, I was going to say marry me. Yeah, I know you were. Dale, I am

not ready for marriage. We are not ready.

Okay, but it doesn't mean you have to leave.

I have to.

I want you to be happy.

You put... Everything into your life. Here, the bar.

The bar?

I was only doing that for you.

Why would I want a beach bar in Litchfield?

Ken said.

He told me I should show you that I can be a provider and take care of you.

That's terrible advice.

Yeah, I'm starting to see that now.

Rachel, my only dream is being with you.

And if that means moving to Sierra Leone, then great.

Really? Yes, really.

I'm coming with you, Rach.

If you want me to.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah!

Okay!

Let me pack.

Done.

Come on.

Come on, let's get a cocktail.

I can pack later.

There's a new bar I want to check out.

Apparently some hot American barman works there.

Yeah, probably not a good idea for me to visit a rival bar on opening night.

I got it. You're talking about old Steve's pal?

I'm talking about old Steve's pal. Okay, yeah, let's go.

Okay, here we go.

Having a good time, Jane?

I'm sick, Faith.

Yay!

Listen, Ken, I've seen the way the partners are with you.

Might be good if you were to come back.

What? Are you serious?

But I need to know you'll be loyal.

You have to respect my authority. I can't have you outside the tent pissing

in. I won't. I promise. I promise I won't piss inside the tent. I'll piss

miles away from the tent.

You won't even notice my piss. Stop saying piss, Ken. There is one

condition, though. If I do let you back in, I'll look weak.

I need you to show you're loyal in front of the others.

Right.

Bend the knee.

What?

It's not Game of Thrones, mate. Get on your knees, beg for your old job back,

let the partners see.

Then we all get what we want.

No. No, no, no, no.

You are not begging to this.

Help me, Dylan. You're good at horrible insults. Bitch?

Yeah. This bitch.

No, I'm so sorry about my wife. She appears to be hammered. No, Ken.

I've had enough of this. Dog's dick?

Dog's dick? Treating you like you're not good enough?

Now, you listen to me.

My husband's a... Ten-foot bellend? No.

My husband's a great man.

And he doesn't need you, Jane.

And he doesn't need your bloody twatty little firm.

He needs... Statins? He needs... To... chase his dreams.

He's starting his own firm.

Am I?

Yes. Yes, Ken.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I'm not standing for this.

Have either, Jane.

Yeah. Oi, that's my one.

See you later, you Jane in the arse.

I am starting my own firm.

I love you, Ken.

Right.

Drinks are on the house.

One round of the house special cocktail, the Flaming Ken.

Flaming Ken?

It's tall and it's fiery.

It's got balls.

Cheers, mate. Big balls. Balls you can hold in your hands. Balls that get the

job done. The best damn balls in the whole of Balls Town.

Fuck off.

Flame up!

Is it a good idea to have so many naked flames in a largely bamboo bar, Steve?

That fire's fucking beautiful, man.

Oh, thank God. Get in there, quick.

Oh, they're not real firemen, Ken.

They're strippers.

Thanks for coming anyway, guys.

They do this amazing routine with a hose pipe and a glove. Never mind that.

Your bar's on fire.

You know, all Steve's powers, Ken, it is never going to work.

So I decided to accidentally burn the place down.

The insurance payout on this baby is going to be huge.

But you put in so much effort to make the place work.

Deniability, Lorna, deniability.

I mean, what kind of nutbag goes through all that effort just to burn the place

down on purpose?

My God, you're a sucker.

Thank you, Ken.

Coming from you, that means a lot.

What happened?

Ask this bloody idiot in his flaming cans.

I'm so sorry, Dale.

It's okay. It's just weirdly sad seeing months of hard work literally go up in

flames.

Oh, well.

Gotta keep smiling, right?

Oh, Chief Ken, me and Rach, we're going to Sierra Leone.

What? You're going to Africa? Yeah.

And at what point did you think, oh, I don't know, I might tell my bloody dad?

Very sudden. Also, I took your advice and proposed, but we're not getting

married. Yeah, thanks for that, Dad.

Life coaching definitely isn't your forte. Don't quit the day job.

You should say that, Rach.

He literally has just quit his day job. What?

Right. Well, A, I don't know why you're laughing, because you were very active

in that decision, and B, my actual advice was to get a job before you get

married. But instead, you went into business with a maniac, you opened a

cocktail bar, and now your cocktail bar is on fire.

It's probably best that I'm not a part of the family quite yet.

No,

you are.

You are part of the family.

Weird, messed up family.

You guys are still getting paid? Come on!

Oh, man.

All family together.

Mum, dinner.

Oh.

Yep, everything's fine.

Now, did you know that Britain had a hidden vampire crisis?

Yeah, apparently so. Luckily, Luke McQueen is investigating, and it's all

available now on BBC iPlayer.