Original subtitles

Morning, Chief Ken.

Hold tight, Dale.

Chief Steve called at 2am. He said he wants me to install a sprinkler system

at the bar so at closing time it can rain coconut milk.

I love it. I just hope it's not one of his drunk ideas.

Don't call Steve Chief Steve.

Why, Chief Ken? I just think it's inappropriate.

Morning, Dale.

Morning, love. Morning, love.

In your boots? Yes, no rest for the wicked.

9am with Peter, then a strategy meeting.

Then... Strategy Saturday.

Yes.

Strategy Saturday.

Strategy Saturday.

It's a new scheme of Jane's. I told you, no? Saturday becomes Monday.

Monday. Now that's Thursday.

So... Hmm.

That's a fiendishly clever idea.

Monday, Thursday.

Not even sure I understand it. Well, it's only for this week. I don't think

it'll stick.

Oh, well, that's a shame.

Everybody's out today.

I thought we could get a bit of Ken and Lorna time.

Really? Yeah. Oh.

Well, obviously I can't because I've got work.

The least I can do when you've been toiling away all day.

Yeah, I have.

Dale's really putting in the effort with this new bar, isn't he?

Good on him.

Yes, although he should change the name and the location.

Probably think about killing his business partner, but apart from that...

Hey, these are a lot less expensive than I thought.

What would you think if I got a Vespa?

I would think, and everybody would think, you were having a midlife crisis.

Or... that I was born to ride through the streets of Litchfield like the hot

-blooded Mediterranean daredevil I am.

Who's that?

It's 11.30 on a Saturday night.

It's the new neighbours, isn't it? I think we can let it go just this once

again. Night, love.

12.45.

They're going to wake Sid up.

He didn't sleep through anything.

Yes, but nobody told them that.

I'm going to the garden centre tomorrow.

If I'm tired, it will affect my decision-making.

Where's my phone?

No, Ted, Ted, no!

Don't, don't!

Please,

yes, hello.

I'd like to report a rowdy house party.

Two Barker Road.

How loud is it?

Hang on, Ed. I'll just get my portable decibel meter.

Oh, apparently it's really loud.

You might send someone over.

Well, thank you so much.

I'm going round.

Wait. I'm coming too.

Their house has the same plan as ours. I want to see what they've done with their

kitchen. Lorna, we're going round to complain, not to get designed it.

Don't you want a peek?

Give me 20 minutes while I put something nice on. What? No!

I'm going to throw a dressing gown on and go round.

You are not.

Put that nice Marks and Spencers shirt on. Make a good impression before you

ruin their party.

Oh, God.

I told you, this shirt's running tight.

But it looks enormous on that.

Hey!

I recognise you two.

You're from next door? Yes.

I threw in the drive earlier.

I hope we haven't been making too much noise.

No, it's fine. No, no trouble at all.

Well... Come in. Have a drink. I insist.

I'm Lloyd.

It's my birthday.

Oh, happy birthday. I'm Lorna.

45.

Old man's birthday.

Got myself a new respirator.

Nice. Brand new. I'll show you.

Treated myself to the GTS 300 because I'm worth it.

Yeah, girl.

Whoa, look at this guy.

He's even older than you, Lloyd. I thought I just stopped at you.

Ruth. This is my girlfriend, Maggie.

These are mostly her friends.

Much younger crowd, but fun though.

Right, drinks.

There'll be music everywhere.

These people are so fun.

People are actually like, this has never happened before.

It doesn't matter what you wear.

The strippers are here.

All right, all right, calm down, please. Thank you.

We're having fun here, okay? Don't be such a fascist.

My fashion, actually, Mum. In fact, in the last election, I voted green.

You're being very noisy. Your neighbours have complained.

Oh, hi, Ken.

Do you remember me?

No.

Who complained?

Which neighbour?

Come on, tell us.

Actually, I'm a lawyer, and I don't think we should question the police

officer about his sources. That might get you in trouble.

Well, I don't take the call, but I just respond to them.

Fine, fine. No more music.

Party's over, everyone.

In my own house, I'll do what I want.

Maybe I want to rip my clothes off.

Who's going to stop me in my own bloody home?

Um,

can you get that to come with me to the station?

Please, officer, you don't need to do this.

The party is over, everyone.

Ken, I'm so sorry. It was really nice to meet you.

Oh, and I love this new beach theme for all Steve's pals. I'm actually headed

off to buy four tons of genuine Hawaiian sand.

Expensive, but you notice the difference.

Thank you, Ken.

Oh, and remember, cocktail tasting later.

Looking forward to it, Dale. Yeah, let's get fucked out of our brains. Do you

know? But yes. Okay.

See ya.

Lloyd set up and texted back.

Well, you did get his girlfriend arrested.

What's this?

Lloyd next door.

Your dad's developed an intense man crush.

I have not.

Here, check this text.

Hey, mate. Great party last night. See you around.

I think I overdid it. Came on too strong.

I think you kept your cool. Good.

You're right, Mum. He's got it bad.

Shut up. I have not got a man crush.

Lloyd is just a really, really cool and amazing guy who lives next door. What?

Careful, Mum. I think Dad's might run off and marry him.

That would be modern.

Yeah, right.

I had a very important meeting this morning. I'm just a bit pushed for time.

Bye,

big boy!

Could you be at work? Oh, yeah.

I was going to go in, but... How was your head Sunday morning, champ?

Wow. That hangover.

I was like... Did you get my text?

I think one of Maggie's young party friends made off with my smartphone.

To be honest, I feel free without it. I know what you mean, bruv. Modern

technology's so annoying, isn't it? The call waiting, when stuff's slow to load.

Yeah, I'm taking the new Vespa into Birmingham. Need some fine-tuning. Can't

stop. Don't. Don't stop. I don't want you to stop.

Unless, of course, crazy's all.

I mean, we could scoot back, pick up the old bike, and you could come with.

Come with?

Yeah! Of course!

I love coming with.

What am I asking? You can't take the day off. I can. I can.

I can. I would love to.

Well, grab your stuff.

Just checking out the competition.

All Steve's pals are planning on serving a 24-hour breakfast, and, well, this

place has mastered perpetual breakfast.

Yeah. Wait, why are you at work?

Oh, I was, um... I was feeling a bit woozy this morning, so I went to the

doctor, and his advice was I should have a full English breakfast immediately,

you know? So here I am.

Hmm.

Yeah, well, that makes complete sense.

bye bye

You rock.

How's Maggie?

Oh, she got off with a caution.

Tell you what gets me, though, Ken.

That neighbour calling the police over one tiny birthday party.

Yeah.

Although, I mean, it was after midnight and in a residential area, but... Yeah,

but you go round, explain the problem like a man, not crawl to the police like

some worm.

Yeah.

Yeah. We've no way of knowing who it was, so... Ken.

I know exactly who it was.

Do you?

Steve Chance.

From over the road, you know him?

Not really.

I mean, I've met him.

The day we moved in, I caught him looking in our bathroom window with

binoculars. He said he was looking for owls.

It was noon.

Weird guy.

Yeah.

Still. You can't be sure it was him, so... Can I?

Ken, if there's one thing you learn from leaving your wife and kids, quitting

your job, and living off your savings, it's trust your instincts.

Steve charges the grass, and grasses get grassed on.

Know what I mean?

Not really.

Hey, you want a beer?

No. I would love a beer.

Get that for us, would you, mate? Yeah.

Chief Kev?

What are you doing at Lloyd's house?

Oh, it's... Did I not tell you? I'm, um... It's a team-building exercise at

work.

You just go round to a neighbour's house and you compose some guitar music.

And then, at the end of the week, there's a competition.

What do you win?

Just some, um,

claw stuff.

Gotcha.

Gotta say, Jane really has shaken up things at your work.

I was just going door to door doing some market research for all Steve's pals.

Okay. I won't interrupt you guys.

Let the music flow, maestro.

Oh, well, I can promise you that.

Woo!

Bye! Bye!

Oh, bearing it up with a mate at 4pm on a weekday. I have not done this for

time, bruv.

Well, every other sucker's chained to their death.

Oh, yeah, suckers!

Oh, beer. I love it.

You know, I like you, Ken.

I like you too, mate.

What are you two there? Just putting this baby up on Instagram.

Don't do that!

I'm a little bit sensitive, but I didn't have to get the day off from work today.

You see, a couple of weeks back I was really offended.

Ken? Only for a month.

I haven't told Lorna.

I didn't want to worry her, you know.

Totally. Get yourself some Ken time.

Yeah. Yeah.

So at least I told someone, to be honest.

It's been a nightmare at home.

Imagine having to keep it from your whole family you've been suspended from

work.

Chief Ken!

What the fuck, Dale?

Hey, Crickets, you've been suspended from work?

You're not to let on about any of this, do you understand?

Yeah, your secret is safe with me.

So I can't promise not to tell Rachel and Lorna.

What? Those exact people you're not allowed to tell.

You're going to have to lie, Dale. No, Chief Ken.

Lying's like my third worst thing after remembering them Scrabble. As soon as I

lie, I can feel people looking at me, and I just, I know they can see the evil

in my face.

I guess I could just never look at anybody ever again.

Well, you're going to have to find a solution.

Because if you tell Lorna, I won't be your friend anymore.

I would hate that. Well, it's an option.

I've got a new friend now, so you're expendable.

I am watching you.

Oh, hiya, love.

Lorna!

My beautiful wife.

What a tiring day at work.

I'll cook dinner later, though. No need.

It's Dale's cocktails over at All Steve's Pals.

What's he doing with you?

Oh, I bumped into him on my way back from work.

I was walking along the road and there he was.

All right. What were you up to, Dale?

He was gathering stones.

Oh. Did he get any nice ones?

I made him throw them away.

Dale?

Yes.

Stones. I lost my lovely stones. Lovely stones.

I'm going to go for a jog.

It seems under the weather, doesn't it?

It's not worth analysing. It's probably meaningless.

When she looks me in the eyes, I just want to tell her everything.

Find a way.

Et voila!

Bespoke cocktails.

The Lorna, short and sweet.

The Rachel, fruity with a... Spicy kick.

And the Ken.

It's plain no-nonsense with a high-fat content.

Yes, thank you, Dale.

Mmm.

Oh, I really like mine, Dale.

Now, probably explain the weird mask.

This? Oh, it's just something I threw on.

From here on out, I'll constantly wear it.

Yeah, quite right, too. It's a nice mask. Who's Tim?

Yeah, a totally normal boyfriend. Well done, mate.

Give me a double, Ken.

Just got back from mine.

I am in shock.

Are you OK, Steve?

An abomination, Lorna.

I, Steve Chance, have on this day in the year of our Lord, 2018, been creft.

Creft? What do you mean, creft?

Some lowlife put Cressy through my letterbox. It's grown there.

Grass all over the doormat.

Connie and I used to make love on that mat. It's uncomfortable for her, but it

protected the carpet.

Steve.

There's only one kind of feature beyond that carpet, Lorna.

I refer, of course, to mine. Yes, thank you, Steve.

We're all very upset for you.

Um, cheers, Alorna.

Don't mind if I do.

Cheers.

Ken Alorna, ling-ling in my tummy.

Ah, fucking hell.

This Civil War history walk goes all the way to Worcester. We could get the

girls, make a weekend of it. Yeah.

Now that is a great idea.

Hey, Lloyd.

I hope you don't mind me asking.

It seems that Steve's chance has been crafted.

I couldn't help but draw a connection, you know, with what you said about the

ground getting grasped and all that.

Yeah?

Bet that got to him, right? It seems so, yeah. And it doesn't stop there. I've

got loads of ideas.

poison his garden, maybe throw a burning newspaper through his window.

All good ideas.

Or maybe just leave it. I mean, you can't be sure it was Steve that made the

phone call.

Well, who did then?

Probably Steve.

But what I did is, now you've pranked him back, probably just call it quits.

Ken, if a man wrongs me, I crush him.

I can't stand me, and I can't stand life.

He's got me into trouble before.

Pork scratchings?

Yes. No,

you're right. I'm too impetuous.

For your sake, Ken, I will not hurt Steve Chan.

Oh, that is a relief. I was worried, actually.

I'm just sensitive when it comes to Maggie.

Before she came along, I was on the edge, Ken.

I'd left my wife. I didn't know where I was.

Even thought of ending it.

She's my rock.

My reason.

Yeah. You can't do this. You can't take me away.

What the hell's going on?

Lloyd Evans, your girlfriend's been in the country illegally.

She came up last week on a system with a drugs charge.

Thought she'd left months ago.

You touch my teeth.

You just touch... Look, officer, I'm a lawyer. I think maybe...

Honestly and sympathetically, I take no joy in that.

Right, let's load her up and get this rodeo rolling!

Please, please, don't do this! No, Troy, come on.

It's ironic, isn't it?

No, no, this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't made that noise complaint.

Right, let's go!

Maggie!

Maggie! Maggie, don't go!

Maggie. Right, well, thank you. Yeah, you've been amazingly helpful.

Great, thanks.

Well, that was immigration.

She's totally fucked.

He's not taking it well.

Funny, isn't it?

I mean, you basically got his girlfriend deported. Oh, no.

Just because you caused something, it doesn't necessarily mean it's your

fault. Isn't that exactly what it means?

She's a bit vapid anyway, isn't she, Maggie?

I'm too young for him. I actually think this could be good for Lloyd.

These knives have a way of spiralling out of control. Lord, I promise you

everything's going to be absolutely fine.

James! Scott!

You will join me in a dram!

No, no, you're all right, thanks, mate.

But if I use this, then... Oh!

Hey, Presto! Lloyd!

Everything's going to be fine. Just calm down.

I have to do something.

Those oven gloves are cat kids and they are not to be used for murder.

Ken, mate, I'm going to finish this glove when me and you go over to Steve

and give him a couple of fork punches.

Danny, it wasn't Steve.

Maybe it's a lady, but he's not got knives on his hands.

Hello.

What's going on?

Lloyd, he's just had a bit of bad news.

So we all need to work on keeping him relaxed.

Bad, bad, bad.

What's the use of bad days? Things will seem brighter in the morning. Oh, that's

true, she's right.

But we're drinking.

Yeah, but maybe we should stop drinking.

I'm drinking until I can drink no longer.

Oh, actually, that might work too.

I'll check the drink for you.

And then I'm going to fuck Steve up. Great idea. Let's keep that on the

table. But maybe we could play a drinking game.

Yeah.

Where you drink more and more and more until you have a lovely sleep. And you

don't murder Steve.

How would that be?

He's probably not over there anyway. He's probably still out in his Uber.

Oh, actually, he just got home. I saw him drive in.

On my lawn.

Here he is, the coward.

You destroyed my life.

What are you talking about?

No more games, chads. You grass on me and I grass on you. But now the shit is

about to get real.

Nobody shits on my lawn.

If it's a fight you want, then by Odin it's a fight you shall receive.

18th century dueling pistol.

I don't make them like this anymore.

Don't think I won't use it.

They'll hold him still while I blast away, don't they? Give me that, you

idiot.

Right.

This stops here.

Lloyd?

It was me that made the phone call to the police.

You?

Yeah. It wasn't Steve's fault that Maggie got deported. It was mine.

I didn't tell you because I was enjoying hanging out too much. No, no, no. You're

just saying this to pay Steve's neck.

I'm not, honestly.

Dale?

Tell him the truth.

The real truth, Chief Ken?

Yes, Dale, the truth.

Go on, Dale.

Okay, um... Everyone, Chief Ken's been suspended from work and he's been hiding

it from Lorna this whole time.

Not that truth, for fuck's sake!

What?

Ken? He also, he's been spending most of his days drinking. I'm sorry, Chief Ken,

she's staring me right in the eyes.

Suspended from work?

I know about this. Oh, Dad, this is kind of a low.

It was only for a month, so I just... I don't need to question the whole

relationship like that. Shut up, Dale.

Lorna, I can explain.

Explain to me. You destroyed my life.

Oh, leave it out.

It was Maggie that had the drugs, and it was you who decided to go all Mr. Crazy

Glove. I personally have done nothing whatsoever to... Oh!

My baby!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Call the engine.

Call the fire engine.

Come on.

Ken, I can't even look at you.

Find somewhere else to spend the night.

Bloody hell, Dad.

Wow, Chief Ken.

Homeless.

I would offer you shelter, but I sort of stay at your place, so, you know.

Okay, Ken.

You got me.

You'll always have me.

My baby!

Remember, the rest of the series of Cuckoo is available now on the iPlayer

from BBC Street.

Next tonight on BBC One Wales, following life at a school in South Carolina,

segregated America.