Original subtitles

[MEN'S CHORUS] * OHH-OHH *

* OHH-OHH-OHH *

* AHH-AHH-AHH-AHH *

* AH-AH-AH-AH-AH *

* OHH... **

IT'S 7 A.M., CHILDREN,

AND YOU'RE LISTENING TO RADIO FREE HARVARD

ON A CHILLY NOVEMBER MORNING.

YOU'RE AT THE GREATEST UNIVERSITY ON EARTH,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD.

YOU'RE DROWNING,

ESPECIALLY YOU SENIORS.

ONLY 150 DAYS BEFORE YOUR THESIS IS DUE

AND THE POWERS THAT BE

DECIDE WHETHER YOU'RE DESTINED FOR GREATNESS

OR MEDIOCRITY.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

DO I REALLY BELONG HERE?

PROBABLY NOT.

BUT DON'T GIVE IN. DON'T GIVE UP.

ARISE, FAIR HARVARD. ARISE.

YOU, TOO, CAN RULE THE WORLD.

YOU JUST HAVE TO CRUSH EVERYONE ELSE FIRST.

A LITTLE CRUSHING MUSIC, MAESTRO.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LET'S GO!

KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING.

KEEP UP THE PACE! NICE AND NEAT!

WHOO!

IGNORE HIM!

MOVE IT. LET'S GO!

WHOO-HOO!

VERY FUNNY, MONTY.

NOW HERE'S SOMETHING TO CROW ABOUT.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

I'VE GOT A GREAT COCK, DON'T I?

LAST NIGHT A RADCLIFFE SOPHOMORE

SAW A GHOST LOOKING REMARKABLY LIKE WALT WHITMAN

IN WIDENER LIBRARY.

AMERICA'S GREATEST POET HAUNTING THE STACKS, EH?

WELL, THE CLIFFIE IS UNDERGOING SOME INTENSE DEBRIEFING

BY THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT. THEY BETTER HURRY.

WEATHER TELLS US THAT 10 INCHES OF THE WHITE SHROUD

IS SCHEDULED FOR TONIGHT.

I'M EVERETT CALLOWAY. NOW YOU HEAR ME...

NOW YOU...

YOUR FATHER CALLED AND WANTS YOU TO CALL HIM BACK.

WHAT'S UP WITH FATHER?

MARRYING MY SISTER, PERHAPS?

HE MUMBLED SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR BEING OVERDRAWN...

AGAIN.

I THOUGHT HE WAS A PATRIOT.

DOESN'T HE BELIEVE IN DEFICIT SPENDING?

LORD MONTAGUE,

YOU'RE LOOKING VERY GRIM AND FORMAL THIS MORNING.

TRYING TO PASS FOR A YALIE?

I GOT A MEETING WITH PITKANNAN.

OH, NO. NOT ABOUT THE THESIS.

FEELING CONFIDENT?

FEELING NAUSEOUS.

LOOK AT THIS ONE HERE. LOOK AT HER.

OH, GOD.

HI.

I KNOW HER.

I'VE BEEN WITH HER.

FIRST PARAGRAPH, MR. KESSLER.

LET'S HEAR IT.

[CLEARS THROAT]

CHAPTER ONE...

FROM MEMORY?

YES, SIR.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THAT DENOTES HARD WORK

OR UNSEEMLY VANITY.

STAND UP.

STAND UP?

I LIKE A SUBSTANTIAL TARGET.

CHAPTER ONE...

THE BOTTOMLESS WELL OF NEED.

THE NOBLE AND AMBITIOUS ASSUMPTION

OF THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES

IS THAT THE NEEDS OF A DIVERSE POPULATION

CAN BE FULFILLED.

THE DREAM OF A MELTING POT HAS BECOME A CAULDRON

OF INFLEXIBLE MINORITIES AND THE HOPELESSLY UNEMPLOYABLE.

THE SOLUTION IS TO LEAVE THE COMPLEXITIES OF MODERN GOVERNMENT

TO THE POLITICAL EXPERT--

[SNIFF SNIFF]

AND TO RETHINK OUR NAIVE FAITH

IN THE WISDOM OF THE PEOPLE.

A GOOD BEGINNING.

LEAVE YOUR CHAPTER.

IF THE REST OF YOUR THESIS

IS AS INTELLIGENT AS YOU ARE,

YOU ARE CERTAIN TO GRADUATE

SUMMA CUM LAUDE.

AND THAT WILL BE THE BEGINNING

OF A BRILLIANT CAREER.

THANK YOU, PROFESSOR PITKANNAN.

DO YOU THINK HELGA IS A VOLUPTUOUS SAINT-EMILION

OR A BUTTERY CHARDONNAY?

YOU MEAN HELGA WITH THE COILS,

WORKS OVER AT KINKO COPY?

[BROOKLYN ACCENT] YEAH, DAT'S HER.

WHADDYA THINK?

WHAT DO I THINK? BUD LITE.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

MONTY. I'D APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU WOULDN'T START YOUR DAY

BY DEMORALIZING MY CREW.

COURTNEY, YOU'RE JUST NOT A LEADER OF MEN.

VERY FUNNY.

THEN BE A MODEL.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

MONTY, HOW'D IT GO?

HOW DID WHAT GO?

THE BIG MEETING WITH THE GOD OF YOUR IDOLATRY.

PITKANNAN. IT WENT GREAT.

RAH.

YOU CAN'T SIT DOWN FOR FIVE SECONDS?

THE BEST NEVER REST, JEFF.

I HATE HIM.

HE IS A TAD COMPULSIVE.

HE HAS TO BE. HARVARD'S NOT HIS INHERITANCE.

IT'S TRUE. HARVARD DOESN'T HAVE ANY STANDARDS LEFT.

THEY LET IN ANYONE WHO'S BRIGHT.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

OH, YEAH. THE POOR GUY'S THE PET OF A NOBEL LAUREATE.

PITKANNAN SPENDS MORE TIME ON NIGHTLINE THAN IN LECTURE HALLS.

HE'S A CELEBRITY, NOT AN INTELLECTUAL.

HE'LL STILL GET MONTY INTO GRADUATE SCHOOL

AND SET HIM UP FOR LIFE.

SOUNDS LIKE A DEATH SENTENCE.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

OH, SHIT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO.

NO. NO.

NO!

MONTY!

YOUR HARD DRIVE IS FRIED.

O.K.

YOU'VE DONE 10 CHAPTERS ALREADY?

I'M GOING TO GET XEROXES.

JUST WAIT TILL MORNING.

IT'S MY ONLY COPY.

YOU'RE AFRAID SOMEONE'S GOING TO BREAK IN AND STEAL IT?

I CAN'T TAKE CHANCES. THIS IS MY LIFE.

IT'S NOT YOUR LIFE.

I'M GOING WITH HIM.

GOOD.

MONTY, WAIT UP!

I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO TAG ALONG.

YOU'RE WELCOME, YOU BASTARD.

YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP UP WITH ME.

[LAUGHING]

AW, MONTY. ARE YOU O.K.?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, GOOD. IT'S DOWN THERE.

IN THE BOILER ROOM?

I GOT TO GET INTO WIDENER.

IT'S CLOSED. WAIT TILL MORNING.

I CAN'T WAIT--OHH.

YOU'RE HURT.

MONTY...WOULD YOU LIKE MY HELP GETTING IN?

YES.

SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY...

COME ON.

THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR?

YES. I KNOW THE GUARD.

HI, CHUCK.

IT'S KIND OF LATE. YOU O.K.?

YEAH. I WAS HERE EARLIER,

AND I THINK I MISPLACED MY WALLET.

DID ANYONE TURN IT IN?

I DON'T REMEMBER ANYBODY BRINGING IN A WALLET,

BUT LET ME TAKE A LOOK.

OH, I FOUND A HAT HERE

AND, UH, A SCARF.

I GOT A BANANA.

WHAT COLOR WAS THAT WALLET?

UM, IT WAS GREEN. ALLIGATOR GREEN.

ALLIGATOR GREEN. WELL, THAT'S KIND OF SPIFFY. HEH.

[HISS] OW!

[COUGHS]

NO! NO!

HEY! STOP. I'M JUST A STUDENT!

HEY, WILL YOU JUST CALM DOWN? OW!

AH!

IT'S MINE.

THAT'S ALL I WANT.

IT'S IMPORTANT. IT BELONGS TO ME.

FINDERS, KEEPERS. LOSERS, WEEPERS.

DON'T YOU KNOCK BEFORE COMING INTO SOMEONE'S HOME?

IT'S NOT WORTH ANYTHING.

THEN WHY WOULD YOU WANT IT?

O.K., HOW MUCH?

I'VE GOT A CHECK.

IS IT CERTIFIED? HOW ABOUT A CD?

I NEED SOMETHING I CAN CHEW, KID.

O.K. YOU WANT FOOD? I'LL BRING YOU SOME.

THEN YOU GIVE ME THAT.

WHAT SIZE UNDERPANTS YOU WEAR?

EXCUSE ME?

WHAT SIZE ARE YOUR UNDERPANTS?

I'LL BRING YOU SOME UNDERPANTS.

JUST DON'T BURN ANY MORE PAGES.

I'LL BRING UNDERPANTS, YOU GIVE MY THESIS BACK.

IS THAT WHAT THIS PIECE OF SHIT'S SUPPOSED TO BE?

WHAT'S IT SUPPOSED TO BE ON, HARVARD?

GOVERNMENT.

GOVERNMENT? I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

YOU'RE DAN QUAYLE.

YOU CAME BACK TO FINISH YOUR EDUCATION, HUH, BOY?

YOU STUDY GOVERNMENT, SO THIS SHOULD BE EASY.

YOU WANT SOMETHING? I NEED SOMETHING.

GO GET ME A GLAZED DOUGHNUT.

A GLAZED DOUGHNUT.

MAKE SURE THE GLAZE IS NOT ALL BROKE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR UNDERPANTS?

WHAT ABOUT MY UNDERPANTS?

THE--

CLEAN UNDERPANTS, TOO. THAT'S RIGHT.

FINE. GREAT. GLAZED DOUGHNUT--

PRISTINE GLAZED DOUGHNUT.

PRISTINE GLAZED DOUGHNUT AND UNDERPANTS.

WHAT DO I GET?

FOR EACH THING YOU GIVE,

I'LL GIVE YOU ONE THING.

A CHAPTER.

NO. A PAGE IS A THING.

A CHAPTER IS A WHOLE LOT OF THINGS.

THERE ARE 88 PAGES IN THAT THESIS.

THERE ARE 83 PAGES NOW.

I FOUND A WAY TO LIVE THROUGH THE WINTER, HARVARD.

I HOPE YOU GOT IT,

BECAUSE I JUST WENT THROUGH TWO YEARS OF LOST AND FOUND.

YOU DIDN'T GET IT?

OOH. AH!

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET YOU TO THE INFIRMARY.

PERFECT.

THE GLAZE IS ALMOST PERFECT.

THERE'S NO POINT.

I'M CALLING THE UNIVERSITY COPS.

LET'S NEGOTIATE. HOW MUCH CASH DO WE HAVE?

CAN'T EAT MONEY.

DOESN'T MONEY BUY FOOD?

HELGA...

YOU'RE BRILLIANT. I LOVE YOU.

HE'S PROBABLY SCHIZOPHRENIC.

MOST OF THE HOMELESS ARE SCHIZOPHRENICS OFF MEDICATION.

I HAVE 50 ON ME.

I NEED THE MONEY TO FIX THE COMPUTER.

IF I CONVINCE MY ESTEEMED FATHER

THAT THE MONEY ISN'T FOR ME, MAYBE--

EVERETT, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THIS GUY COULD BE USING MY THESIS FOR TOILET PAPER.

HE COULD BE EATING IT.

HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR HIMSELF,

MUCH LESS FOR WHAT I'M STRUGGLING TO DO.

HE LIKED TORMENTING ME. HE WANTS ME TO FAIL.

PITKANNAN ADVISED BILL RAPP LAST YEAR.

HE DROPPED HIM JUST BEFORE DEADLINE

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE A ROUGH DRAFT.

OH, GOD.

YOU NEED REST. GET SOME SLEEP.

WE'LL GET A FRESH DOUGHNUT TOMORROW.

I'M SURE HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO FAIL.

JUST REASON WITH HIM.

DEAL WITH HIM LIKE A HUMAN BEING.

I KNOW HE'S A HUMAN BEING. I SMELLED HIM.

HE'S A WORTHLESS, STINKING, FILTHY, USELESS HUMAN BEING.

YEAH. HELLO. SECURITY?

WATCH YOUR STEP THERE.

YOU BUNCH OF SCAVENGERS.

THANKS FOR THE DOUGHNUT, YOU LITTLE STOOLIE.

COME ON.

HEY, MONTY, IS THAT HIM?

HE'S A LITTLE OLD MAN.

OFFICER, IT ISN'T HERE. NOW WHERE IS IT?

IT'S NOT DOWN THERE, AND IT'S NOT ON HIM.

[GAVEL POUNDS]

YOU'VE ALL BEEN IN VIOLATION

OF CAMBRIDGE CITY ORDINANCES

AND ARE CHARGED WITH PUBLIC INTOXICATION

AND/OR VAGRANCY AND/OR PANHANDLING.

IF YOU PLEAD GUILTY, PLEASE SIT DOWN.

IF YOU PLEAD NOT GUILTY, STEP FORWARD.

NAME?

SIMON B. WILDER, JUDGE.

AS A TAXPAYER, I'D LIKE TO REQUEST A TRIAL BY JURY.

AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PAID TAXES?

THREE TIMES JUST LAST WEEK.

YOU PAID TAXES THREE TIMES?

YES, SIR.

THERE'S A FEDERAL, STATE, AND COUNTY TAX ON WINE.

MR. WILDER, THE COURT CONCEDES THAT YOU HAVE

PAID VARIOUS TAXES.

NEVERTHELESS, A JURY TRIAL IS NOT CALLED FOR.

THE CHARGES OF PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS,

TRESPASSING, AND VAGRANCY STILL STAND.

HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

NOT GUILTY.

YOU WERE FOUND LIVING IN AN OLD FURNACE ROOM

UNDER WIDENER LIBRARY ON THE HARVARD COLLEGE CAMPUS.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

HARVARD UNIVERSITY IS A LAND-GRANT SCHOOL.

CONSTITUTIONALLY, I WAS LIVING ON PUBLIC GROUNDS.

I'LL DROP THE CHARGE OF TRESPASSING,

BUT YOUR BREATHALYZER TEST SHOWED YOU WERE DRUNK

WHEN YOU WERE ARRESTED.

AT MY ARREST, I WAS NEITHER DRIVING AN AUTOMOBILE

OR OPERATING HEAVY FARM EQUIPMENT.

I WAS READING. I'M PAST THE DRINKING AGE.

IF I DRINK TO KILL THE WINTER CHILL,

IT'S NOT A CRIME.

IF IT WERE, EVERY FAN AT A HARVARD/YALE FOOTBALL GAME

WOULD BE BEHIND BARS. COME ON!

[GAVEL POUNDS]

BE CAREFUL, MR. WILDER.

YOU'RE COMING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE

TO CONTEMPT OF COURT.

I'LL DROP THE CHARGES OF PUBLIC INTOXICATION.

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN AND A SCHOLAR.

I KNEW WE'D HIT IT OFF FAMOUSLY.

WHEN I HEARD THAT PHONY ACCENT,

I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE AN ASSHOLE.

JUST GOES TO SHOW--

THAT'S IT, MR. WILDER. I'M HOLDING YOU IN CONTEMPT.

$50 OR 50 DAYS.

YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM ALAN DERSHOWITZ.

LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO WITH HIM!

MAY I PAY THAT FINE?

ARE YOU RELATED TO MR. WILDER?

NO, SIR. I'M A HARVARD STUDENT.

I'M WRITING MY THESIS,

AND I NEED MR. WILDER'S HELP.

THIS YOUNG MAN WILL PAY THE FINE,

PROVIDED HE GETS MR. WILDER OUT OF MY SIGHT.

NEXT CASE, PLEASE.

DON'T ASK HIM FOR A GLAZED DOUGHNUT.

[LAUGHTER]

EXCUSE ME, MISS.

CAN I BORROW YOUR QUARTER?

I'D LIKE TO GET THE MORNING PAPER.

THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE GREATEST NATION IN THE WORLD IS, DON'T YOU?

I HOPE IT'S THE USA.

WRONG. IT'S DO-NATION.

HERE YOU GO.

THAT'S FOR BEING SO GENEROUS.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FOR YOUR FRIENDS?

NO. ONE'S FINE. THANKS.

THANK YOU. BYE, SWEETHEART.

MR. WILDER, I HAVE A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.

I THINK THAT--

BUY THE BOSTON HERALD OVER HERE!

ONLY 25 CENTS!

GET YOUR PAPER OVER HERE. ONLY 25 CENTS!

READ ALL ABOUT IT.

CLARENCE THOMAS WINS APPOINTMENT.

MOVES IN ON TOP OF HILL.

I'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE.

LET ME CHECK THAT OUT.

25 CENTS.

IT'S ON PAGE FIVE.

I BAILED YOU OUT.

I THINK THAT ENTITLES ME TO A CONVERSATION.

READ ALL ABOUT IT!

HARVARD STUDENT DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT!

CRUSHED BY GIANT EGO.

I'LL TAKE THE REST. HERE'S 5 BUCKS.

WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME?

A MAN.

YOU SEE A PIECE OF SHIT, HARVARD.

I SEE A MAN WHO NEEDS A HOME.

I HAD A HOME. I HAD A WARM PLACE TO SLEEP...

17 BATHROOMS AND 8 MILES OF BOOKS.

I HAD A GODDAMN PALACE.

YOU KNOW WHY I NEED A HOME?

'CAUSE OF YOU.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU LOOKED AT ME,

YOU DIDN'T SEE A MAN.

WELL?

WHAT'S THAT?

A HOUSE.

I'D PREFER THAT.

IT'S FULL.

IT'S THE BEST I CAN DO.

MY ROOMMATE BOZ CRACKED UP TWO MONTHS AGO

AND QUIT SCHOOL.

THIS IS HIS STUFF.

WHERE IS HE NOW?

BALI.

BALI? I'VE BEEN THERE.

MERCHANT MARINES.

SWAB THE DECKS AND SEE THE WORLD.

JUST DON'T BREATHE IN THE ENGINE ROOM.

WELL, ALL THIS COMFORT CAN BE YOURS

FOR JUST ONE SENIOR THESIS.

FOR EACH NIGHT'S LODGING,

ONE PAGE.

LOOK, I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

THIS IS NINE MONTHS OF MY WORK.

GIVE ME ALL THE PAGES NOW,

AND YOU CAN STAY UNTIL SPRING.

YOU HAVE MY WORD.

YOUR WORD, HARVARD? SURELY, YE JEST.

DID YOU FORGET ABOUT OUR ORIGINAL DEAL?

ONE THING FOR ONE THING.

GET A LITTLE CREATIVE,

YOU'LL HAVE ME OUT IN NO TIME.

BY THE WAY,

I'LL NEED SOMETHING DECENT TO READ.

TAKE ANYTHING YOU WANT FROM THE LIBRARY.

WELL, I WAS READING GERMINAL BY ZOLA

TILL I WAS SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED.

YOU'LL HAVE IT BY TOMORROW.

BOY, OH, BOY.

WHERE YOU GOING?

GOT TO GET DINNER, HARVARD.

MY ROOMMATES ARE COOKING DINNER.

I'LL GET YOU SOME.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT ARE THEY HAVING?

WHAT ARE THEY HAVING?

HELLO, SPEEDY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

THAT GOOD, HUH?

CHECK THAT FOR YOU?

MR. ONE-CRUTCH MAN!

DIDN'T THE DOCTOR SAY TO USE BOTH CRUTCHES?

I ONLY NEED ONE.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE EVEN AFRAID

TO DEPEND ON INANIMATE OBJECTS.

ANYONE MIND IF I HAVE SECONDS?

I'LL KICK IN EXTRA FOR GROCERIES.

YOU STILL OWE FOR LAST WEEK.

I'M GOOD FOR IT. CAN YOU GET THE DOOR?

ARE YOU DINING ON THE TERRACE THIS EVENING?

* YOU WERE IN MY TIME *

* YOU WERE DRIVING CIRCLES *

* AROUND ME... **

THIS MEET YOUR STANDARDS?

WHEN DO I GET MY PAGE?

TOMORROW.

IF YOU EAT NOW, I GET MY PAGE NOW.

IF YOU HAD AN INSURANCE POLICY,

WOULD YOU CARRY IT AROUND?

YOU'RE BEING VERY UNREASONABLE.

HOW DO I KNOW YOU DIDN'T BURN IT?

YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT?

NO, HARVARD. I THINK YOU'RE A LOSER.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OH, HI.

FINE.

TOMORROW THEN. FINE.

WHAT IF MY PARENTS PULL A SURPRISE WEEKEND VISIT?

MY MOM WOULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN

A LITTLE MORE CONSIDERATE

IF YOU'D ASKED JEFF'S MOTHER FIRST?

DON'T LECTURE ME ABOUT CONSIDERATION.

YOU KEEP A ROOSTER.

MY COCK IS A LOT CLEANER THAN YOUR BUM.

WE'RE COMPARING COCKS AND BUMS?

IS THIS INSIDE MACHO TALK?

THE ROOSTER IS THE CENTERPIECE OF MY RADIO SHOW.

FINE. THE BUM IS THE CENTERPIECE OF MY LIFE.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A RAZOR?

MY LEGS ARE TURNING INTO CHRISTMAS TREES.

COURTNEY! EWWW.

COME ON. WE'RE ALL GUYS HERE.

WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

I GOT A DATE.

PROMISED JONATHAN I'D MAKE UP WITH HIM AGAIN.

JONATHAN. THE FACE.

HE'S MORE THAN THAT. HE'S ALSO A GREAT BODY.

JESUS, COURTNEY. COULD WE NOT TALK

ABOUT SEX RIGHT NOW?

JEFF, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND HOME,

SO I DEFLATED HER.

[MONTY] TAKE MY BLADE.

THANKS.

REMEMBER, IF YOU TIRE OF THE FACE,

HELGA'S GOT A BROTHER.

HOW'S THE VIEW?

THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS SINCE JUNIOR YEAR.

I'M NOT GOING TO START AGAIN

BECAUSE SOME BUM WANTS TO HOLD IT HOSTAGE.

I'LL TALK HIM INTO GIVING ME THE WHOLE THING.

YOU'VE BEEN GREAT AT TALKING HIM INTO THINGS.

YOU SAID HE WANTS A HOME.

EVERETT, I'LL HANDLE IT, O.K.?

O.K., JEFF?

I'LL HAVE HIM OUT IN A FEW DAYS.

CUT ME SOME SLACK.

[COURTNEY] MONTY!

MONTY!

KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.

MONTY. MONTY.

GO GET HER, MONTY.

GO GET HER!

I THINK WE SHOULD CALL YOUR MOTHER.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

HE'S GOING TO FREEZE OUT THERE.

GIVE HIM MY EXTRA BLANKETS.

I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE TOO COMFORTABLE.

HE COULD DIE.

NO SUCH LUCK.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY LIKE THIS, ARE YOU?

TELL ME THIS HARD-HEARTED JERK ISN'T YOU.

GIVE UP ON ME.

I'M TIRED OF DISAPPOINTING YOU.

THEN DO IT FOR YOURSELF.

YOU WANT TO BE A HOT-SHIT DIPLOMAT.

SECRETARY OF STATE?

EVEN PITKANNAN WOULD OFFER A HOSTILE POWER

BLANKETS TO ESTABLISH GOOD WILL.

DON'T CUT YOURSELF.

I NEVER WANTED TO BE A RAZOR

SO BAD IN MY LIFE.

HERE.

IT'S YOUR NAMESAKE'S WORK.

SOMEBODY SPOTTED YOU IN THE LIBRARY,

THOUGHT YOU WERE WALT WHITMAN'S GHOST.

BOO.

VAN'S ACTUALLY MINE, YOU KNOW.

I LOANED MY EX-ROOMMATE A SMALL FORTUNE...

AND HE FLED TO BALI.

AND I GOT THE VAN.

WHY DON'T YOU SELL IT?

THE ENGINE DOESN'T RUN.

SO FIX IT. WANT ME TO DO IT FOR YOU?

ARE YOU A MECHANIC?

I'M A ZEN BUDDHIST. THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.

HOW MANY BOTTLES OF WINE WOULD YOU GIVE ME

IF I FIXED IT?

SIX. EIGHT.

EIGHT. SEVEN.

O.K., NINE. THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.

DIDN'T YOU USE TO RUN A SAVINGS AND LOAN?

YOU'RE THINKING OF MY FATHER.

LOOK, YOU WANT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN ADVANCE?

BOY, OH, BOY. YOU MUST BE

ONE OF THE GREAT MINDS OF YOUR GENERATION.

YOU GOT A CORKY SCREW?

[LAUGHING]

HEY, BOY.

HERE WE GO.

FOR LODGINGS AND MEALS,

AND TWO EXTRA FOR THE BLANKET.

THANKS.

THANKS A LOT,

BUT THE BLANKET WAS JUST, YOU KNOW, GOODWILL.

GIVE ME YOUR BOOKS. I'LL CARRY THEM.

WHAT'S THAT GOING TO COST ME?

IT'S FOR THE BLANKET, O.K.?

YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR THE BLANKET,

SO THE BLANKET DOESN'T COUNT.

I APPRECIATED IT, O.K.?

WOULD YOU APPRECIATE IT IF I CARRY YOUR BOOKS?

BOY, OH, BOY, WE'RE IN BUSINESS.

COME ON, BOY.

HIP IT UP, HOPPY. LET'S GO.

HERE WE ARE, BACK WHERE YOU FOUND ME.

DON'T REMIND ME.

I WONDER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO READ UPSTAIRS.

BET THE LIGHT'S BETTER.

GERMINAL, RIGHT?

THIS LIBRARY'S LIKE A CHURCH, ISN'T IT?

WHEN YOU WERE IN CHURCH, YOU EVER LOOK UP SOMETIMES

AND WONDER WHAT PEOPLE WERE PRAYING FOR?

DID SOMEONE DIE? WAS SOMEONE JUST BORN?

LIBRARY'S LIKE THAT FOR ME.

SIR. SIR, YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.

IT'S O.K. HE'S WITH ME.

HE'S PART OF MY RESEARCH PROJECT.

OH. I BEG YOUR PARDON.

WOMEN--AIN'T THEY PERFECT?

NOT ALWAYS.

YES, THEY ARE. THEY'RE PERFECT.

DON'T MATTER IF THEY'RE SKINNY, FAT, BLONDE, OR BLUE.

IF A WOMAN'S WILLING TO GIVE YOU HER LOVE,

IT'S THE GREATEST GIFT IN THE WORLD.

MAKES YOU TALLER, MAKES YOU SMARTER,

MAKES YOUR TEETH SHINE. BOY, WOMEN ARE PERFECT.

KEEP YOUR VOICE LOW.

PERFECT JOY AND PERFECT ACHE.

JOY WHEN YOU FIRST SEE 'EM,

ACHE WHEN YOU LEAVE 'EM.

JOY. ACHE. JOY. ACHE.

JOY-ACHE, JOY-ACHE, JOY-ACHE, JOY-ACHE,

JOY-ACHE, JOY-ACHE--

SHH!

IF YOU KEEP YOUR VOICE LOW,

THEN YOU WOULDN'T ATTRACT ATTENTION.

PSST.

I'LL GIVE YOU TWO PAGES FOR A BATH.

UH, O.K.

LET ME GET SOME WORK DONE.

WHY DID YOU SAY I WAS A LOSER?

SHH!

TSK TSK TSK.

THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK, HUH?

I'M NOT A LOSER, HARVARD.

I'M A QUITTER.

YOU TRY TOO HARD.

WINNERS FORGET THEY'RE IN A RACE.

THEY JUST LOVE TO RUN.

* MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY *

* OF THE COMING OF THE LORD *

EVERETT?

EVERETT?

* GRAPES OF WRATH ARE STORED-- *

* HE HAS LOOSENED UP THE PANTIES *

* OF THE LITTLE WHORE NEXT DOOR *

MONTY!

* HIS TRUTH IS MARCHING ON **

MONT--

O.K., HE CANNOT STAY, SO GET HIM OUT.

WATER DOESN'T COST ANYTHING.

I'LL BUY YOU MORE BUBBLE BATH.

DID YOU GIVE HIM A KEY TO THE HOUSE?

I SPENT THE DAY WITH HIM. HE'S HARMLESS.

HE LIKES TO READ. HE LIKES TO TALK.

I CANNOT TAKE THIS RIGHT NOW.

I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE MED SCHOOL, O.K.?

I MADE HARVARD. I'M NOT MAKING MED SCHOOL.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

I'VE GOT ONE PAGE OF MY THESIS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I HEARD YOU PRINTING OUT.

SOUNDED LIKE YOU HAD 50 PAGES.

BLANKS.

I PRINTED OUT BLANKS.

I DIDN'T WANT YOU GUYS TO KNOW.

JESUS, JEFF.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS WOUND TIGHT.

GET HIM OUT. I CANNOT WORK WITH HIM AROUND.

WHAT IF MY MOM COMES?

O.K., O.K. CALM DOWN.

YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE BOZ.

I'M NOTHING LIKE BOZ.

WHO'S LIKE BOZ?

I THOUGHT BOZ WAS IN BALI, BY GOLLY.

HE'S WEARING MY ROBE.

[SNIFFS]

AND IT SMELLS TERRIFIC.

I DID LEAVE CLOTHES OUT FOR YOU.

I CAME DOWN FOR A BEER.

I CAN'T GET DRESSED WITHOUT A BEER.

LITTLE QUIRK.

MONTY, THIS IS TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.

YOU WAKE UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED?

LOVER'S QUARREL?

MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE.

WE'RE NOT LOVERS. WE'RE ROOMMATES.

WE RESPECT EACH OTHER'S SPACE.

YOU RESPECT EACH OTHER'S EMPTY AIR?

THAT'S VERY PROFOUND FOR HARVARD STUDENTS.

O.K., LET'S GO. COME ON.

HEY, MY ROBE.

O.K. IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT,

DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU WEARING MY THINGS.

JUST KEEP IT, O.K.?

THANK YOU.

BOY, OH, BOY.

THERE'S ENTIRELY TOO MUCH BICKERING IN THIS HOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD LIVE HERE.

I HOPE MY SUMMER PLACE WILL BE READY SOON.

THEN YOU'LL PROBABLY MISS ME.

I KNOW, I KNOW. I HAVE A PLAN.

I'M TAKING HIM TO SOCIAL SECURITY

AND GETTING HIM DISABILITY BENEFITS.

WELL, I EXPECT YOU TO CLEAN THE BATHTUB.

NAME.

SIMON WILDER.

WHO IS SIMON WILDER?

HE IS. HE IS.

CUT IT OUT. HE IS.

ARE YOU SIMON WILDER?

I USED TO BE.

D.O.B.?

E-F-G-H-I-J.

DATE OF BIRTH.

WHEN WERE YOU BORN?

WHEN THE MOON WAS FULL,

I WAS ABANDONED BY MY MOMMY.

I WAS RAISED BY A SHE-WOLF IN A WYOMING CAVE.

THIS WILL GET YOU MONEY.

YOU NEED MONEY.

I DON'T. YOU DO.

I'LL ASK AGAIN. DO YOU HAVE EVIDENCE OF BIRTH?

I'M SITTING HERE, AIN'T I?

DO YOU THINK I HAPPENED BY SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION?

HE'S NOT COOPERATING.

WHAT STATE WERE YOU BORN IN?

INFANCY.

I'M TRYING TO HELP.

YOU SEE THIS FACE, LADY?

MEMORIZE IT.

SOME DAY THIS BOY'S GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD.

IF HE'S UNCOOPERATIVE, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.

I GUESS THAT'S WHY YOU WORK HERE.

CAN I HAVE ONE OF THESE MUFFINS, LADY?

NO!

I'M SORRY. UH, NO.

CAN'T EVEN GET A MUFFIN.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET CASH?

IF YOU PEOPLE ARE IN LINE FOR MUFFINS,

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

THEY'RE NOT GIVING ANY OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WE MADE A DEAL.

I WENT IN, DIDN'T I?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE

WHETHER THE MONEY COMES FROM ME OR THE GOVERNMENT?

I GOT A GRIEVANCE AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT.

YOU PAID INTO THE SYSTEM.

YOU SAID YOU WORKED--

SAILOR, LUMBERJACK, SHORT-ORDER COOK.

OR WAS THAT ALL BULLSHIT?

THERE YOU GO. EXCUSE ME.

WELL, WE GOING TO THE MOVIE OR WHAT?

A DEAL IS A DEAL, HARVARD.

* KINDA WOMAN *

* I'D GIVE YOU MY ALL... *

HEY, EVERETT, CAN I BORROW SOME CONDOMS?

NO, BUT YOU CAN HAVE SOME.

ENDURANCE TEST?

MORE LIKE A POP QUIZ.

OH, COURTNEY.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, MONTY.

ARE YOU EXPECTING AN INVASION?

I DON'T WANT TO BE MURDERED IN MY BED.

YOUR BED IS THE ONE PLACE YOU'RE TOTALLY SAFE.

JESUS.

ARE YOU GOING TO WATCH HIM ALL NIGHT?

LOCKING THE GIRLFRIEND IN?

GOOD NIGHT, LITTLE ONES.

* HAPPINESS, NO LONGER SAD *

* HAPPINESS *

* I'M GLAD **

OW. OW.

GIVE ME SOME BOOKS.

I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF CARRYING MY OWN BOOKS,

THANK YOU.

HERE.

CHAPTER TWO.

I READ IT.

THAT STUFF IS REALLY COMING OUT THE WRONG END.

SORRY YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.

THIS ISN'T JUST SOME TERM PAPER.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

YOUR LIFE IS A BUNCH OF PAPERS?

MY DREAM IS TO GET INTO GOVERNMENT AND HELP PEOPLE.

YOU THINK THOSE IDEAS ARE GOING TO HELP PEOPLE?

IT'S A BUNCH OF PESSIMISTIC JUNK.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO HELP.

THAT'S GIVING UP.

THE BEST PROFESSOR HERE

HAPPENS TO THINK THAT THIS HAS PROMISE.

HIS OPINION, NOT YOURS. THAT'S MY LIFE.

WAIT A MINUTE, HARVARD.

LET ME SHOW YOU MY LIFE.

THERE IT IS. THAT'S MY LIFE.

I GOT THIS ONE ON A BEACH IN BALI.

BEST NIGHT'S SLEEP I EVER HAD.

YOU REMEMBER ONE NIGHT OF SLEEP?

THE LAST GOOD ONE I HAD.

WHAT'S THIS SHINY WHITE ONE?

YEAH, THAT ONE. WHAT'S THAT?

A WOMAN.

WHO WAS SHE?

THE ONE.

MY ONE TRUE LOVE.

HOW ABOUT THAT? YOU'RE A ROMANTIC.

ALL QUITTERS ARE ROMANTIC, HARVARD.

YEP.

EACH STONE TELLS A STORY THAT I WANT TO REMEMBER.

ALL I DO--PUT THEM IN MY HANDS, RUB THEM,

AND ABRACADABRA, I'M BACK THERE.

GIVE ME YOUR BOOKS.

TELL ME ABOUT THE WOMAN.

I CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

I'M NOT HOLDING THE STONE.

WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN? THERE'S A BENCH.

I ACTUALLY COME HERE SOMETIMES

WHEN THE WEATHER'S WARM.

YEAH.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?

I GOT A FRIEND, SLEEPS ON THAT BENCH OVER THERE.

I LIKE TO STUDY OUTSIDE.

STUDY? BOY, OH, BOY,

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOU, ANYWAY, HARVARD?

DIDN'T YOUR FATHER EVER PLAY BALL WITH YOU?

LET'S GO, IF WE WANT TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

RELAX. TAKE A BREATHER.

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION.

DIDN'T HE EVER PLAY WITH YOU?

MY PAST ISN'T PART OF OUR DEAL.

OOH.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU STILL DON'T THINK I'M HUMAN, DO YOU?

THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL, O.K.?

MY FATHER LEFT WHEN I WAS 5.

HE LEFT MY MOTHER FOR ANOTHER WOMAN.

HE HAD KIDS WITH HER. WROTE ME ONCE A YEAR.

WHEN I GOT INTO HARVARD,

HE WROTE AND SAID HOW PROUD HE WAS

AND SORRY HE COULDN'T HELP WITH TUITION.

THAT WAS THE LAST I HEARD FROM HIM 'CAUSE HE DIED.

MY MOM'S TERRIFIC.

UNCLE BILL TOOK ME TO LITTLE LEAGUE. O.K.?

O.K.

DOESN'T SOUND TOO TOUGH.

WAS IT?

NO.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

WHAT?

HOW LONG WERE YOU IN THE MERCHANT MARINE?

UM...NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.

SO WHERE WERE YOU BEFORE HARVARD?

PRINCETON.

I WAS HANGING OUT WITH AL EINSTEIN.

I KIND OF INSPIRED HIM.

HE GOT STUCK ON SOME FORMULA.

I TOLD HIM, "YOU GOT A STEADY JOB,

"YOUR WIFE LOVES YOU. DON'T MAKE YOURSELF CRAZY.

EVERYTHING'S RELATIVE."

THERE YOU ARE, MR. FUEL PUMP.

GOOD AS NEW.

JUST IN TIME. BREAKFAST.

THERE YOU GO, BOY. ONE PAGE.

WHAT IS THIS?

OATMEAL.

ROUGHAGE. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

GOOD FOR A HORSE.

GIVE ME THAT PAGE BACK. HERE.

EAT UP, SIMON.

GOT A BIG SURPRISE FOR YOU.

OUR FOUNDING FATHERS,

OR TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT,

OUR FOUNDING PARENTS,

DESIGNED THE CONSTITUTION TO PREVENT THE PRESIDENCY

FROM BECOMING ANOTHER FORM OF TYRANNY,

AN ELECTED KING.

WELL, DID THEY SUCCEED?

I SMELL AN AMBUSH.

MISS MOORE,

YOU HAVE AN ANSWER.

THE PRESIDENT IS NOT AN ELECTED KING.

INDEED.

COULD THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

WITHOUT CONSULTING THOSE HE GOVERNS,

MORE OR LESS DESTROY THE ENTIRE WORLD?

WELL, I GUESS HE COULD.

YOU GUESS HE COULD.

COULD JULIUS CAESAR HAVE DONE THAT?

COULD NAPOLEON?

COULD ADOLF HITLER?

BUT THEY TRIED TO.

AREN'T YOU MAKING A FALSE ANALOGY?

OH, THIS IS MY LUCKY DAY.

I ASK A QUESTION,

AND I GET A QUESTION IN RESPONSE.

YOU DO BELONG IN GOVERNMENT, MY DEAR.

SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

NOW DOES ANYONE HAVE AN ANSWER FOR ME

INSTEAD OF A QUIZ?

DON'T BE A HERO, BOY.

MR. KESSLER.

YOUR THOUGHTS.

THE PRESIDENT CAN'T BOMB WITHOUT REASON.

HE HAS A REASON.

HE THINKS WE NEED MORE PARKING SPACES.

THE POINT IS, CAN HE DESTROY THE WORLD?

NOT WITHOUT CONGRESS.

MR. KESSLER, AFTER FOUR YEARS OF HARVARD,

HAS IT ESCAPED YOUR ATTENTION

THAT THE PRESIDENT CAN MAKE WAR FOR 90 DAYS

WITHOUT CONSULTING CONGRESS?

UH...

WELL, THA-THAT'S RIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. KESSLER.

AT LEAST I'M GOING TO PASS THIS COURSE.

SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

MY QUESTION STILL STANDS.

WHAT IS

THE PARTICULAR GENIUS OF THE CONSTITUTION?

NICE TRY, GENERAL CUSTER.

SHUT UP.

WHAT QUALITY DISTINGUISHES THE AMERICAN CONSTITUTION?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO STAND UP.

YOU CAN'T TALK IN HERE.

YOU, SIR.

YOU, SIR!

WHO, ME?

DO YOU HAVE AN OPINION?

NO.

ARE YOU A STUDENT?

NO.

ARE YOU A GUEST?

NO, I'M A BUM.

THERE ARE NO BUMS.

THERE ARE ONLY THE FINANCIALLY CHALLENGED.

NO, I'M A BUM...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT BEAR IN MIND, I'M A HARVARD BUM.

YOU MUST BE THE LOGICAL RESULT

OF AN OPEN ADMISSIONS POLICY.

NO, SIR.

MY PRESENCE HERE IS THE LOGICAL RESULT

OF THE SEARCH FOR EDIBLE GARBAGE.

YOU'RE HERE FOR THE GARBAGE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

COLLEGES PRODUCE A LOT OF GARBAGE,

AND HARVARD PRODUCES MORE THAN MOST.

WHAT WIT.

INSPIRED NO DOUBT BY...

WILD TURKEY?

YOU ASK FOR CHARITY,

PLEADING THAT SOCIETY HAS FAILED YOU

AND YOU NEED HELP,

BUT ACTUALLY, YOU'RE QUITE CAPABLE,

AND WHAT YOU REALLY WANT IS ALCOHOLIC BLISS.

I WOULD RATHER DRINK RUBBING ALCOHOL

THAN LISTEN TO YOU, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

AND ACCORDING TO THE 21st AMENDMENT,

YOU CAN DRINK ANYTHING YOU WANT.

SIMON.

WHICH DOOR DO I LEAVE FROM?

AT HARVARD, WE DON'T END OUR SENTENCES WITH PREPOSITIONS.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

WHICH DOOR DO I LEAVE FROM, ASSHOLE?

WHAT DEMOCRATIC ELOQUENCE.

YOU ASKED THE QUESTION, SIR.

LET ME ANSWER IT.

THE GENIUS OF THE CONSTITUTION

IS IT CAN ALWAYS BE CHANGED.

THE GENIUS OF THE CONSTITUTION

IS IT MAKES NO PERMANENT RULE

OTHER THAN ITS FAITH IN THE WISDOM OF PEOPLE TO GOVERN THEMSELVES.

FAITH IN THE WISDOM OF THE PEOPLE

IS EXACTLY WHAT MAKES THE CONSTITUTION INCOMPLETE AND CRUDE.

CRUDE?

NO, SIR.

OUR FOUNDING PARENTS

WERE POMPOUS, MIDDLE-AGED WHITE FARMERS,

BUT THEY WERE ALSO GREAT MEN

BECAUSE THEY KNEW ONE THING

THAT ALL GREAT MEN SHOULD KNOW--

THAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW EVERYTHING.

THEY KNEW THEY WOULD MAKE MISTAKES,

BUT THEY LEFT A WAY TO CORRECT THEM.

THEY DIDN'T THINK OF THEMSELVES AS LEADERS.

THEY WANTED A GOVERNMENT OF CITIZENS,

NOT ROYALTY.

A GOVERNMENT OF LISTENERS,

NOT LECTURERS.

A GOVERNMENT THAT COULD CHANGE,

NOT STAND STILL.

THE PRESIDENT ISN'T AN ELECTED KING

NO MATTER HOW MANY BOMBS HE CAN DROP,

BECAUSE THE CRUDE CONSTITUTION DOESN'T TRUST HIM.

HE'S A SERVANT OF THE PEOPLE.

HE'S A BUM, O.K., MR. PITKANNAN?

HE'S JUST A BUM,

AND THE ONLY BLISS THAT HE'S SEARCHING FOR

IS FREEDOM AND JUSTICE.

MR. KESSLER.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

[COUGHING]

SIMON.

HEY, SIMON, ARE YOU O.K.?

WHAT CAN I DO?

I'M FINE.

NOW THAT I'VE TAUGHT AT HARVARD, BOY,

IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE.

COURT, DO YOU THINK DEBBY

IS A SEDUCTIVE PINOT NOIR

OR A NUTTY CABERNET?

DEBBY? WHAT HAPPENED WITH HELGA?

OH, I LOVE 'EM BOTH.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO REALIZE

WOMEN ARE MORE THAN JUST FERMENTED GRAPE JUICE?

WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE MEN ARE MORE THAN MEAT?

THE DAY I BECOME A VEGETARIAN.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO BELOW 0 TONIGHT.

CAN HE SLEEP IN THE CELLAR?

NO PROBLEM. SURE.

NO PROBLEM? THERE'S A BIG PROBLEM.

I'M SICK OF THIS.

I'M SICK OF PAYING EXTRA TO LIVE WITH A BUM

WHILE I GET RAGGED BECAUSE I WANT TO STUDY.

BRING HIM INSIDE, AND I'M LEAVING.

THEN LEAVE.

I'M SERIOUS.

ARE YOU GOING TO COVER MY RENT?

MONTY, I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU OUT,

BUT I'M BROKE. MY OLD MAN CUT ME OFF.

NOT THAT I EVER WANT TO SEE JEFF LEAVE.

NO PROBLEM.

JUST TAKE ONE PORTION, O.K.? JUST ONE.

YOU SHIT!

HE'S A HUMAN BEING.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

YOU JUST WANT YOUR THESIS.

YOU CARE ABOUT HIM? TAKE HIM TO A SHELTER.

SIMON.

HA HA HA HA.

AW, JESUS CHRIST!

[COUGHING]

HEY, HEY, HEY.

HERE.

I'M JUST PRACTICING.

IT'S NOT A FUNNY JOKE.

WHO SAID IT WAS A JOKE?

WHERE'S THE BLANKET I GAVE YOU?

I LOANED IT TO A FRIEND.

IN THIS COLD?

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

I'LL GET YOU ANOTHER ONE.

I WISH THIS THING'S HEATER WORKED.

HA HA HA. ME, TOO.

THEN MY LIFE WOULD BE PERFECT.

WELL.

HEY.

I'LL DOUBLE MY NORMAL PAYMENT

FOR A LITTLE SPOT IN THE CELLAR.

UM, THE CELLAR'S FLOODED,

AND, UM--

I WOULD PUT YOU IN THE LIVING ROOM,

BUT JEFF'S PARENTS MIGHT BE COMING OVER TONIGHT,

SO, YOU KNOW...

WELL, SURE, I KNOW.

I KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

I'M THINKING, WHY AM I IN HERE,

AND HE'S OUT THERE?

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN YOU LIKE THIS.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BURST INTO TEARS.

WELL, DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.

SIMON?

GOD.

SIMON!

"YOU LIED AGAIN, HARVARD.

DEAL'S OFF."

AAH!

STOP!

SHIT!

SEPARATION ANXIETY FROM YOUR CAST?

I THOUGHT IT'D GO QUICKER WITH IT OFF,

BUT I CAN'T CONCENTRATE. I CAN'T EVEN READ.

I'M NEVER GOING TO GET THIS DONE.

THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

REALLY? WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

YOU MISS HIM.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

GORKY.

EVERETT!

GORKY, COME--

STUPID BIRD!

GORKY! SHIT.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

EVERETT!

GOOD MORNING. ARE YOU AWAKE?

EVERETT, COME GET YOUR ROOSTER!

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

ALL RIGHT, NO PEEKING.

NOPE, NO PEEKING.

COURTNEY?

MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT, OPEN YOUR EYES.

TA-DA.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

YOU FALL, BOO-BOO? DID YOU--

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

GORKY, YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF LORD MONTAGUE

WHILE WE'RE AWAY ON CHRISTMAS BREAK.

YOU SLEEPY?

LET'S JUST TUCK YOU IN HERE.

NOW GIVE ME A KISS GOODBYE.

[SQUAWKS]

OW! SHIT!

OH, MY GOD.

I REALLY HATE THIS ROOSTER.

[MONTY] MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. CHRIST!

SO HOW'S THE ANKLE?

GOOD.

SO YOU'LL BE RACING ME SOON?

I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER REALLY CATCH UP TO YOU.

COURT, LET'S GO. BYE, MONTY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

SO WHY DON'T YOU COME HOME WITH ME?

SEE THE BIG APPLE,

LET MY FOUR BROTHERS BEAT YOU UP.

I DON'T THINK I'D BE GOOD COMPANY.

WELL, I KNOW THAT.

THE MAID'S OFF FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

WE COULD USE SOMEONE TO DO A LITTLE LIGHT CLEANING.

NOTHING BIG. FLOOR-TO-CEILING WINDOWS

THAT SHOULD SPARKLE FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND?

ISN'T, UH, ISN'T THREE A CROWD?

THE FACE?

HE WON'T BE THERE. I DON'T BRING SEX HOME.

RIGHT. I FORGOT.

LISTEN, I'D LOVE TO MAKE YOUR WINDOWS SPARKLE...

BUT I GOT TO WORK.

[JEFF] COURTNEY, COME ON!

IF ANYTHING CHANGES, JUST GIVE ME A CALL, O.K.?

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HI, MOM. IT'S ME.

FINE.

I KNOW. I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED, TOO.

I JUST--I'VE GOT TOO MUCH WORK TO DO.

I--

IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.

NO. MOM--

I'LL CALL YOU ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, O.K.?

ALL RIGHT?

O.K.

O.K.

I LOVE YOU.

BYE.

DO YOU LOVE ME, GORKY?

GORKY...

ARE YOU AND EVERETT SLEEPING TOGETHER?

I THOUGHT SO.

I'M TALKING TO A CHICKEN.

[SQUAWKS]

AAH!

* JACK FROST NIPPING AT YOUR NOSE *

* YULETIDE CAROLS *

* BEING SUNG BY A CHOIR *

* AND FOLKS DRESSED UP LIKE ESKIMOS *

* EVERYBODY KNOWS *

* A TURKEY AND SOME MISTLETOE *

* HELP TO MAKE THE SEASON BRIGHT *

* TINY TOTS *

* WITH THEIR EYES ALL AGLOW *

* WILL FIND IT HARD TO SLEEP *

* TONIGHT **

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SIMON.

ARE YOU HARVARD?

UM...THAT'S MY BLANKET.

IT'S SIMON'S.

HE GAVE IT TO ME FOR KEEPING THIS SAFE.

I'M TO GIVE THIS TO YOU AND A MESSAGE.

HE SAID YOU'D GIVE ME SOMETHING TO EAT.

HE SAID IT SHOULDN'T BE ROUGHAGE.

YEAH. COME ON IN.

HA-HAVE A SEAT. I--

I WAS HAVING A SANDWICH.

IS, UH...

HAM AND CHEESE O.K.?

YEAH, W-WITH MUSTARD.

SO WHAT'S THE MESSAGE?

OH...DON'T YOU WANT THIS?

SIMON SAID YOU'D THINK CHRIST DIED FOR THIS.

JUST LEAVE IT ON THE TABLE.

SO, UH...

WHAT'S HIS MESSAGE?

NOW, I--I GOT TO GET THIS RIGHT.

NOW, THIS IS SIMON WILDER'S MESSAGE.

"YOU SHALL NO LONGER TAKE THINGS

"AT SECOND OR THIRD HAND,

"NOR LOOK THROUGH THE EYES OF THE DEAD,

"NOR FEED ON THE SPECTERS IN BOOKS.

"YOU SHALL NOT LOOK THROUGH MY EYES EITHER,

"NOR TAKE THINGS FROM ME.

"YOU SHALL LISTEN TO ALL SIDES

AND FILTER THEM FROM YOURSELF."

THAT'S IT.

I DID IT PERFECT.

WHY DIDN'T HE COME HIMSELF?

IS HE O.K.?

HE'S FINE.

WHERE IS HE?

HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER HIM,

BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE HE HAS SOMEPLACE TO STAY.

AS LONG AS YOU UNDERSTAND HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU,

I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY HE'S AT ST. PETER'S CHURCH SHELTER.

IS THAT A GOOD SHELTER?

WELL, YEAH. IT'S JUST GREAT.

WELL, GOOD.

GOOD.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[KNOCK KNOCK]

HELLO. UH, WHERE'S THE MEN'S SHELTER?

SHELTER? HERE?

YEAH.

THERE'S NO SHELTER HERE.

YOU SURE?

WORKED HERE FOR 32 YEARS.

I OUGHT TO KNOW.

CLOSEST THING TO A SHELTER AROUND HERE

IS OVER THERE IN THE ALLEY.

THANK YOU.

[COUGH COUGH]

LEAVE THAT ALONE.

[COUGHING]

[COUGH COUGH]

SIMON.

SIMON.

[COUGH COUGH]

HEY.

HEY, HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I'M TAKING YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

NO. NO HOSPITAL. UH-UH.

YOU'RE SICK.

NO HOSPITAL.

LISTEN. LISTEN.

YOU GOT TO PROMISE ME...

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS...

NO HOSPITAL.

SIMON, YOU'RE SICK.

NO LIES!

[COUGH]

JUST PROMISE.

[COUGH COUGH]

DAMN IT!

[COUGH COUGH]

O.K., I PROMISE.

O.K.?

ALL RIGHT.

O.K.

[COUGH COUGH]

COME ON.

HEY, YOU'RE AWAKE.

BREAKFAST.

HERE. EAT UP.

YOU ARE SEEING A DOCTOR THIS AFTERNOON.

IS THIS YOUR ROOM, HARVARD?

NO, THIS IS BOZ' ROOM.

BUT, UM...

IT'S YOUR ROOM NOW.

HERE.

WHAT'S THIS FOR?

THE DOOR.

YOU CAN COME AND GO AS YOU PLEASE.

NO WILD PARTIES. I GOT WORK TO DO.

MY LUNGS, HARVARD.

I'LL BE O.K. IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

IS IT SMOKING? IS...

ISN'T THAT WHAT HAPPENED?

SMOKING, NO.

ASBESTOS.

IT WAS IN THE SHIPYARDS IN BALTIMORE.

IT WAS ON THE MERCHANT SHIP, TOO.

WE BREATHED IT WHEN WE WERE BUILDING THEM,

AND WE BREATHED IT WHEN WE SAILED THEM,

AND THEY KNEW IT.

THEY ALSO KNEW THAT IT WOULD TAKE 20 YEARS

TO KILL YOU.

MMM. AND THAT'S WHY YOU QUIT.

MY LUNGS QUIT.

I DIDN'T QUIT.

I COULDN'T WORK. THEY FIRED ME.

WELL, TRY AND GET SOME REST.

HEY, WAIT A SECOND.

GOT YOUR THESIS BACK, SO WHAT'S OUR DEAL?

WE DON'T NEED A DEAL.

WE HAVE TO HAVE A DEAL, HARVARD.

I GOT TO PAY MY OWN WAY.

HOW YOU GONNA MANAGE THAT?

DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GOVERNMENT AT ALL, BOY?

I'M ENTITLED TO DISABILITY BENEFITS.

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME I KISSED AND MADE UP

WITH MY GOOD OLD UNCLE SAMMY.

THANKS, HARVARD.

I ASSUME YOUR FATHER TOLD YOU ABOUT HIS CONDITION.

HE'S NOT MY FATHER.

HE'S A FRIEND.

HE SAYS ASBESTOS DID IT TO HIM.

ASBESTOSIS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

MR. WILDER WAS EXPOSED MANY YEARS AGO.

THE LUNGS CAN'T EXPEL THE FIBERS,

AND HE'S IN THE FINAL STAGES.

YOU MEAN HE-- ISN'T IT TREATABLE... AT ALL?

THERE'S NO TREATMENT AT ANY STAGE.

BASICALLY, THE LUNGS CAN'T TAKE IN AIR.

OFTEN THE PATIENT SUCCUMBS TO PNEUMONIA,

OR THE STRAIN ON THE HEART CAUSES CARDIAC ARREST.

THERE'S REALLY NOTHING TO DO BUT WAIT.

I'M SORRY.

[SIMON] HARVARD! DINNER'S SERVED! GET IT DOWN HERE, BOY!

WELL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT? IT'S A MIRACLE I CAN COOK?

EASY. YOU JUST TALK A LITTLE FRENCHY WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT.

I COULD USE A GOOD MEAL BEFORE GETTING BACK TO WORK.

WORK? IT'S NEW YEAR'S EVE. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, DICK CLARK?

BESIDES, I GAVE YOU YOUR THESIS.

YOU SHOULD BE FINISHED BY NOW.

OH, I'M STARTING OVER.

YOU TOSSED IT? THE WHOLE THING?

YEAH. GONE.

BOY, OH, BOY. EAT UP.

WANT TO HEAR WHAT THE NEW ONE'S ON?

NOPE. BEHOLD, I DO NOT GIVE LECTURES

OR A LITTLE CHARITY.

WHEN I GIVE... I GIVE MYSELF.

THIS IS GREAT.

YOU MUST BE FEELING BETTER.

YOU WENT OUT AND SHOPPED.

I DIDN'T GO OUT.

I EAT WHAT'S HANDY.

WASN'T HARD...

EXCEPT FOR THE PLUCKING.

PLUCKING?

MMM.

GORKY?

GORKY!

GORKY?

HAPPY NEW YEAR, HARVARD.

HOLY SHIT!

YOU THINK SO?

LOOKS LIKE THE REGULAR GARDEN VARIETY TO ME.

UH...

MONTY!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? SHUT THE DOOR.

BIG BABY.

NOW HE'LL PROBABLY TELL EVERYBODY.

MONTY, HE IS IN THE BATHROOM.

HI. WHEN'D YOU GET BACK?

WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING IN THERE?

TAKING A DUMP?

THAT BOY DIDN'T GO TO HARVARD FOR NOTHING.

[COURTNEY] HONEY, I'M HOME!

HE GOES RIGHT NOW.

PEACE, CHILDREN.

MR. WILDER, HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

I'M SORRY, JEFF, BUT HE'S OUR NEW BOZ.

YEAH, THAT'S ME. BOZ.

I JUST FLEW IN FROM BALI.

BOZ, MY LONG-LOST BROTHER.

WHERE'S YOUR TAN, MAN?

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS.

HE'S GOT MONEY COMING IN FROM SOCIAL SECURITY.

HE CAN PAY FOR RENT AND EVEN KICK IN FOR FOOD.

I HAVE THE FULL BACKING OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

COURTNEY.

* GOD LOVES AMERICANS *

* AND ALSO MEXICANS *

* AND RUSSIANS-- **

WILL YOU STOP SINGING?

SING A SONG EVERYDAY. KEEP YOUR VOICES HIGH AND GAY.

IF EVERYBODY SINGS A SONG,

NEVER WILL THE WORLD GO WRONG.

SO HE CAN'T CARRY A TUNE, BUT CAN HE COOK?

DOES MADONNA TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF?

EVERETT.

DO SADDAM HUSSEIN AND MUAMMAR KHADAFY

PULL EACH OTHER'S TOFFEE?

YES! BUT I DON'T DO WINDOWS.

O.K., YOU GOT FRIDAYS.

NO, NO. I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS.

THEN DON'T.

MR. WILDER WILL COVER YOUR RENT.

GET OUT OF MY WAY, JEFF.

SHE'S RIGHT, BOY,

YOU BIG BABY.

I HAVE A COMPLAINT.

BOY, OH, BOY. LET ME HELP YOU WITH THIS.

MY VAN STILL ISN'T FIXED.

THAT'S BECAUSE I RAN OUT OF WINE.

[JEFF] OH, MY GOD!

HE DIDN'T EVEN FLUSH!

[TOILET FLUSHING]

* BLUE SKIES *

* SMILIN' AT ME *

* NOTHIN' BUT BLUE SKIES *

* DO I SEE *

* BLUE DAYS *

* ALL OF THEM GONE *

* NOTHIN' BUT BLUE SKIES *

* FROM NOW ON *

* NEVER SAW THE SUN *

* SHININ' SO BRIGHT *

* NEVER SAW THINGS *

* GOIN' SO RIGHT *

* NOTICIN' THE DAYS *

* HURRYIN' BY *

* WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE *

* MY, HOW THEY FLY BY *

* BLUE DAYS *

* ALL OF THEM GONE *

* NOTHIN' BUT BLUE SKIES *

* FROM NOW ON... *

IT'S THE IDES OF MARCH.

TO CELEBRATE, WE HAVE A GUEST.

IS IT WHITMAN'S GHOST?

IS IT THE SLAYER OF DRAGON PITKANNAN?

NO, IT'S...

THE BUM OF THE MONTH.

YOU'RE A WIDELY TRAVELED MAN.

IN FACT, YOU'RE AN EXPERT

ON LIVING COMFORTABLY AWAY FROM HOME.

WOULD YOU SAY HARVARD IS YOUR FAVORITE SPOT?

NO WAY...

JOSE.

NO?

WELL, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SPOT?

MY FAVORITE PLACE...

IS A LEPER COLONY IN MOLOKAI.

A LEPER COLONY?

IN MOLOKAI.

WHY?

BECAUSE I WAS THE MOST HANDSOME GUY THERE.

HEY, JEFF, MAYBE MOLOKAI'S WHERE YOU SHOULD GO.

[SNICKERS]

* BLUE SKIES *

* SMILIN' AT ME *

* NOTHIN' BUT BLUE SKIES *

* DO I SEE *

* BLUE DAYS *

* ALL OF THEM GONE *

* NOTHIN' BUT BLUE SKIES *

* FROM NOW ON... **

IS THAT FRENCH TOAST? I LOVE FRENCH TOAST.

EVEN IF IT'S MADE BY MY HANDS?

YOU STILL INTERESTED?

AHH. DONE JUST RIGHT.

YOU PUT YOUR SOCKS IN THE OVEN?

SURE. 250 DEGREES FOR 5 MINUTES.

I LIKE MY TOES TOASTY WARM.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT SOME?

NOT NOW.

LITTLE SQUEAMISH FOR SOMEBODY

WHO'S GOING TO BECOME A DOCTOR, AIN'T YA?

I'M NOT SQUEAMISH.

NO?

WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU GOING TO BE?

GYNECOLOGIST.

THAT'S GOOD.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL EVER GET

SOME YOUNG SWEET THING TO DROP HER DRAWERS.

ARE YOU THE CASANOVA OF SKID ROW?

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

YOU KNOW WHY YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?

I LOOK THE WAY YOU FEEL.

SO WHY DO YOU THINK THE KIDS TEASE YOU?

THEY'RE JEALOUS 'CAUSE I'M SO HANDSOME.

WELL?

PITKANNAN'S GOING TO IMPLODE.

WHY?

YOU'RE ATTACKING HIS WHOLE BELIEF SYSTEM, WEREN'T YOU?

THIS HAS NONE OF HIS PESSIMISM.

"ADVANCES IN COMMUNICATION AND TECHNOLOGY

"WILL EVENTUALLY ALLOW THE UNITED STATES

TO ACCOMPLISH ITS DREAM OF PURE DEMOCRACY."

THAT'S RIGHT.

INTERACTIVE CABLE'S GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PROVE IT.

IT'S CRAZY. IT'S GREAT. I LOVE IT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'LL GET THIS DONE IN FOUR WEEKS.

MAYBE PITKANNAN WILL GIVE YOU AN EXTENSION.

NO. IF I DON'T HAVE IT IN ON TIME,

I DON'T GRADUATE WITH HONORS.

YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU HAVE CONFIDENCE IN ME?

YES.

NO CRITICISM?

WELL, MAYBE ONE.

YOU'RE PERFECT.

WELL--AHEM--

I BETTER LET YOU GET BACK TO WORK.

WE DON'T WANT YOU GRADUATING WITHOUT HONORS.

[MOO]

GOODBYE, GORKY.

HELLO-O-O... BESSIE!

THIS IS EVERETT CALLOWAY WAKING YOU UP

ON A BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY MORNING.

NEW PAJAMAS?

YOU LOOK GREAT.

A REGULAR FASHION PLATE.

[CHUCKLES]

OBITUARIES?

STUDYING UP TO WRITE MINE.

I'M COPYING YOU, HARVARD.

STUDY FIRST AND THEN WRITE.

SOME OF THESE THINGS ARE REALLY DEPRESSING.

LOOK AT THIS GUY BARNEY MILSTEIN,

THE ONE WITH THE THREE TACKS.

"BARNEY MILSTEIN.

"AGE 79.

"DIED SATURDAY.

"NO SURVIVORS.

NO SERVICES."

HOW COULD HE DIE?

HE DIDN'T LIVE.

I WANT YOU TO READ MINE,

JUST WHAT I GOT SO FAR, ANYWAY.

LATER.

I AIN'T FEELING TOO GOOD, HARVARD.

I NEED YOUR OPINION NOW.

"SIMON WILDER.

"BORN PORTLAND, MAINE, 1942.

SON OF HANK AND ANNA."

[TURNS PAGE]

"MARRIED 1962 TO LISA THORSTON.

FATHERED ONE SON IN 1963."

"LEFT WIFE AND SON IN 1963

TO JOIN THE MERCHANT MARINE."

THAT'S AS FAR AS I GOT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK THAT, UH,

YOU SHOULD PUT THINGS IN YOUR OBITUARY

THAT YOU'RE PROUD OF.

I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FACTS.

YOU HAD A WIFE AND A SON,

AND YOU LEFT THEM?

YEAH.

AND YOU NEVER CAME BACK?

IT'S NOT SOMETHING I'M PROUD OF, HARVARD.

THAT'S COMFORTING.

UH...

DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE HIM?

DO YOU THINK HE'D FORGIVE ME?

EAT YOUR BREAKFAST.

WHAT DID YOUR FATHER DO TO YOU THAT WAS SO BAD?

WHAT DID HE DO?

HE ABANDONED MY MOTHER.

I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS,

EVERYBODY'S A USED CAR SALESMAN.

IS THAT YOUR PHILOSOPHY--

DON'T TRUST ANYONE?

NO. YOU GOTTA TRUST PEOPLE.

YOU JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IN THE WARRANTY.

THAT'S CUTE, SIMON.

THAT'S REALLY CUTE BULLSHIT.

HARVARD...

YOU'D BE SURPRISED

HOW DIFFERENT THE VIEW IS ON THE WAY OUT

THAN ON THE WAY IN.

[BUGS BUNNY] EH, WHAT'S UP, DOC?

HERE I AM.

OH, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

CAN I SHUT THIS OFF?

JUST A COTTON-PICKIN'--

I HAVE TWO INVITES

TO THE LYNX.

THIS CARD WILL ADMIT YOU AND A GUEST

TO THE GREATEST BASH OF THE YEAR.

FOR YOU AND THE FACE, I PRESUME.

UGH! THAT MEANS I'LL HAVE TO MAKE UP WITH HIM AGAIN.

MONTY! WHERE IS HE? IS HE UPSTAIRS?

TO THE LYNX? GREAT! I'M READY.

I'M SORRY, JEFF.

I COULDN'T WORM ANOTHER ONE OUT OF THEM.

HELLO.

FOR YOU, LORD MONTAGUE.

GREAT.

THAT'S O.K. MONTY'S A MONK.

HE'LL TAKE ME AS HIS DATE.

SORRY, JEFF. I'VE ALREADY GOT A DATE.

YOU DO?

YEAH.

I'M TAKING SIMON.

SO, I GUESS I'LL TAKE YOU, JEFF.

GREAT.

WHAT ABOUT THE FACE?

HE CAN FEND FOR HIMSELF.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ON YOUR DATE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW

BECAUSE MY EVENING GOWN

HASN'T COME BACK FROM THE CLEANERS.

HONEY, HASN'T ANYONE TOLD YOU?

LYNX IS A PAJAMA PARTY.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY.

DID ANYBODY EVER TELL YOU

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE MARILYN?

MONROE?

NO, SCHWARTZ.

HER FATHER OWNS A DELI

WHERE WE GET THIS KNOCKWURST THAT'S THE BEST.

THERE'S A BOY THAT KNOWS HOW TO WEAR SILK.

HE'S COVERING A TRAGIC BIRTHMARK.

AREN'T YOU WHITMAN'S GHOST?

YOU'LL HARDLY KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I MEAN.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE WITH ME.

AM I CRAMPING YOUR STYLE?

LOOK AT HER. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE.

AND YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER.

SO WHAT?

SO WHAT?

YEAH. SO WHAT?

SO WHAT?

THAT'S EVERYTHING.

NOT TO HER IT ISN'T.

SO PROVE HER WRONG.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET HER TO ADMIT

SHE'S WRONG ABOUT ANYTHING.

THAT PROVES SHE LOVES YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

"TO DRIVE FREE, TO LOVE FREE,

"TO COURT DESTRUCTION WITH TAUNTS,

"TO FEED THE REMAINDER OF LIFE

"WITH ONE HOUR OF FULLNESS AND FREEDOM,

"ONE BRIEF HOUR

OF MADNESS AND JOY."

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?

UH, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T.

LET'S NOT GO OVERBOARD WITH THIS STAYIN' ALIVE JUNK.

YES, I WOULD. JUST A MINUTE.

DON'T LET HER BE A REGRET.

IT'S WORSE THAN BEING A LOSER.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, HONEY?

MARTY.

WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR, MARTY?

FRENCH.

[COURTNEY] LEAVE ME ALONE!

JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HEY, BABY. DON'T BE THAT WAY!

YOU'RE ALWAYS TELLING ME HOW TO ACT!

I'M TIRED OF YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!

SUCH A JERK.

* I REACH IN SLOWLY *

* JUST LIKE I WAS BLIND *

* I HEAR VOICES *

* THAT I DON'T RECOGNIZE... **

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M ENDING OUR FRIENDSHIP.

[THUMP]

COURTNEY.

HMM?

WAKE UP.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG?

SIMON.

[COUGHING]

DO YOU THINK THERE'S A HELL?

WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM TO A HOSPITAL.

NO.

I PROMISED HIM.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

[THUNDER]

I'LL GO GET YOU SOME WATER, O.K.?

THANKS.

HEY, COULD YOU, UH,

WOULD YOU...

JUST SIT HERE FOR A WHILE?

HEY...

COME ON.

YOU ALWAYS BOUNCE BACK.

YEAH.

WHEN I WAS KID, I HAD A DOG,

A FUNNY-LOOKING THING--

ORANGE HAIR, BIG EARS...

SKINNY BODY.

HE USED TO LOVE TO CHASE CARS.

HE GOT RUN OVER THREE TIMES.

HE NEVER REALLY GOT HURT.

HE'D GO HIDE UNDER THE COUCH

FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

WHEN HE CAME OUT,

HE'D GO RIGHT BACK TO CHASING CARS AGAIN.

EVENTUALLY, HE GOT OLD AND SICK.

GOD, WAS HE UGLY.

TOWARDS THE END,

HE WENT OFF IN THE WOODS TO DIE ALONE.

HE LAID ON A PILE OF LEAVES

PERFECTLY STILL.

YOU COULDN'T MOVE HIM.

IF YOU TRIED TO TOUCH HIM,

HE'D SNAP AT YOU.

HERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

I'M SCARED.

HEY, I'M HERE.

MONTY, IF I GET THROUGH TONIGHT,

WOULD YOU DRIVE ME SOMEPLACE TOMORROW?

YEAH. SURE.

TOMORROW?

YEAH, TOMORROW.

TOMORROW'S FINE.

I WANT TO SEE MY SON...

JUST ONCE.

WHAT ABOUT HIS THESIS? DID HE HAND IT IN?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S DUE TODAY. HE KNOWS.

EVERETT, LET'S GO!

FINISHED MY THESIS.

IT'S NOT SO GREAT, BUT IT'S DONE.

CONGRATULATIONS. EVERETT!

YES!

SO... WHAT ABOUT YOURS?

DID YOU HAND IT IN ALREADY?

NOT DONE. I'VE GOT TO TYPE UP A BIBLIOGRAPHY.

YOU'LL BE ON THE ROAD. HOW WILL YOU FINISH IT?

I GUESS I WON'T.

DID PITKANNAN GIVE YOU AN EXTENSION?

NO.

MONTY...

CAN I COME?

YEAH.

* I MUST BE GOIN' *

* KISS ME GOODBYE *

* ALL THE COLORS ARE CHANGIN' *

TURN IT AROUND.

* THERE'S A TEAR IN MY EYE *

NO, THE OTHER WAY.

* AND I'M GOIN' FREE *

* FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE *

* AND I NEVER GO RUNNIN' *

* ON THE WRONG SIDE *

* OH-OH *

* OH-OH-OH-OH *

* I NEVER GO RUNNIN' *

* ON THE WRONG SIDE **

HELLO, UH, MR. WILDER.

UH, MY NAME'S MONTY KESSLER.

I'M A STUDENT AT HARVARD.

I GUESS IT WAS ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO

I MET YOUR FATHER,

AND HE'S IN THAT VAN.

HE WANTS TO SEE YOU.

I DON'T HAVE A FATHER.

PLEASE. HE'S VERY ILL.

HE JUST WANTS TO SEE YOU FOR A FEW MINUTES.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM.

HE'S DYING.

PLEASE, JUST WALK OVER FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES,

SAY HELLO, LET HIM LOOK AT YOU,

AND THEN WE'LL GO,

AND YOU NEVER HAVE TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

O.K.

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT FROM ME?

I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT YOU.

FINE.

HAVE A LOOK.

YOU SEEN ENOUGH?

YOU LOOK GOOD.

I'M YOUR FATHER.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE MUCH.

UM...

I WAS WRONG...

AND I'M SORRY.

YEAH, YOU WERE WRONG...

AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BEING SORRY.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

DADDY...

WHO IS THAT MAN?

THAT'S NOBODY, BABY.

THAT'S NOBODY.

[SCREEN DOOR CLOSES]

AHEM.

STOP THE CAR!

STOP THE CAR HERE!

RIGHT HERE!

STOP!

[JEFF] HE'S TAKING A LEAK, RIGHT?

THE DOG.

SIMON, GET BACK IN THE VAN.

GET BACK--

[WHEEZING]

SIMON--SIMON...

SIMON...

YOU'RE NOT A DOG.

[LABORED BREATHING]

"I AM OF OLD AND YOUNG,

"OF THE FOOLISH AS MUCH AS THE WISE.

"REGARDLESS OF OTHERS,

"EVER REGARDFUL OF OTHERS,

"MATERNAL AS WELL AS PATERNAL.

"A CHILD AS WELL AS A MAN,

"STUFFED WITH THE STUFF THAT IS COARSE,

"AND STUFFED WITH THE STUFF THAT IS FINE.

"ONE OF THE NATION OF MANY NATIONS,

"THE SMALLEST THE SAME...

"AND THE LARGEST THE SAME.

"I DEPART AS AIR.

"I SHAKE MY WHITE LOCKS AT THE RUNAWAY SUN.

"I EFFUSE MY FLESH IN EDDIES

"AND DRIFT IT IN LACY JAGS.

"I BEQUEATH MYSELF TO THE DIRT...

"TO GROW FROM THE GRASS I LOVE.

"IF YOU WANT ME AGAIN,

"LOOK FOR ME UNDER YOUR BOOT SOLES.

"YOU WILL HARDLY KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I MEAN,

"BUT I SHALL BE GOOD HEALTH TO YOU, NEVERTHELESS,

"AND FILTER AND FIBER YOUR BLOOD.

"FAILING TO FETCH ME AT FIRST, KEEP ENCOURAGED.

"MISSING ME ONE PLACE, SEARCH ANOTHER.

I STOP SOMEWHERE WAITING FOR YOU."

OH, GOD.

SIMON?

[CRYING]

SIMON WROTE HIS OWN OBITUARY,

AND HE ASKED ME TO READ IT.

"SIMON B. WILDER BIT IT ON WEDNESDAY."

[LAUGHS]

"HE SAW THE WORLD OUT OF THE PORTHOLE

"OF A LEAKY FREIGHTER,

"WAS A COLLECTOR OF MEMORIES,

AND INTERRUPTED A LECTURE AT HARVARD."

"IN 50 YEARS ON EARTH,

HE DID ONLY ONE THING HE REGRETTED."

"HE'S SURVIVED BY HIS FAMILY--

"JEFF HAWKES...

WHO ALWAYS REMEMBERS TO FLUSH..."

"EVERETT CALLOWAY,

WHO KNOWS HOW TO USE WORDS..."

"COURTNEY BLUMENTHAL...

"WHO IS STRONG

AND ALSO KNOWS HOW TO LOVE..."

"AND MONTGOMERY KESSLER..."

"WHO WILL GRADUATE LIFE WITH HONOR...

AND WITHOUT REGRET."

MR. KESSLER.

A THESIS ADVISOR,

I HAVE ALWAYS PRESUMED,

IS SUPPOSED TO GIVE ADVICE,

ESPECIALLY ON THE IDEA OF A THESIS.

I'M SORRY.

I MEANT YOU NO DISRESPECT.

I CHANGED IT BECAUSE I HAD TO WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING

THAT I REALLY BELIEVED IN.

YOUR NEW IDEA IS... NAIVE IS A KIND WORD.

FOOLISHLY OPTIMISTIC MIGHT BE MORE THE TRUTH.

ARE YOU WITHDRAWING AS MY ADVISOR?

NO, I'M NOT WITHDRAWING MY ENDORSEMENT.

I DON'T AGREE WITH

WHAT YOUR BRAIN HAS PRODUCED,

BUT I...

I ADMIRE ITS INDEPENDENCE.

NOT MANY PEOPLE AGREE WITH MY IDEAS, EITHER.

BUT I DO REGRET,

THAT BECAUSE OF YOUR LATENESS,

YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO GRADUATE WITH HONORS.

THANK YOU, SIR, FOR BEING A TRUE MENTOR.

GOOD LUCK...

MONTY.

"SHERRY KENDRIGAN,

ECONOMICS."

"ANASTASIA KINNSMAN,

"MAGNA CUM LAUDE,

"ROMANCE LANGUAGES.

"CHRISTINE KERWEIN,

"MAGNA CUM LAUDE,

"ENGLISH.

"MONTGOMERY KESSLER,

"GOVERNMENT.

"ROBERT KEISWETTER,

"SUMMA CUM LAUDE,

ECONOMICS..."

* MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU ALWAYS *

* MAY YOUR WISHES ALL COME TRUE *

* MAY YOU ALWAYS DO FOR OTHERS... *

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE CLASS OF 1994.

WHOO!WHOO! WHOO!

* MAY YOUR HEART ALWAYS BE JOYFUL *

* MAY YOUR SONG ALWAYS BE SUNG *

* MAY YOU STAY *

* FOREVER YOUNG *

* MAY YOU STAY *

* FOREVER YOUNG **

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1994 WARNER BROS.

* SAY GOODBYE *

* TO NOT KNOWING WHEN *

* THE TRUTH IN MY *

* WHOLE LIFE BEGAN *

* SAY GOODBYE *

* TO NOT KNOWIN' HOW *

* TO CRY *

* YOU TAUGHT ME THAT *

* AND I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE STRENGTH THAT YOU GAVE ME *

* NOW THAT I'M STANDIN' *

* ON MY OWN *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE WAY THAT YOU SAVED ME *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* INSIDE *

* I WAS A CHILD *

* THAT COULD NOT MEND *

* A BROKEN WING *

* OUTSIDE *

* I'LL LOOK FOR A WAY *

* TO TEACH MY HEART TO SING *

* AND I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE LOVE THAT YOU GAVE ME *

* NOW THAT I'M STANDIN' *

* ON MY OWN *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE WAY THAT YOU CHANGED ME *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* I LEARN *

* TO LET GO *

* OF THE ILLUSION *

* THAT WE CAN POSSESS *

* I LEARN *

* TO LET GO *

* I TRAVEL IN STILLNESS *

* AND I REMEMBER *

* HAPPINESS *

* I REMEMBER *

* I REMEMBER *

* MMM-MMM MMM-MMM *

* I REMEMBER *

* MMM-MMM MMM-MMM *

* AND I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE LOVE THAT YOU GAVE ME *

* NOW THAT I'M STANDIN' *

* ON MY OWN *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE WAY THAT YOU CHANGED ME *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* THOUGH I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID TO CRY *

* NOW I FINALLY HAVE A REASON WHY *

* MMM-MMM *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* NEVER NEVER BEEN AFRAID TO CRY *

* NOW I FINALLY HAVE A REASON WHY *

* MMM-MMM *

* REMEMBER **