Original subtitles

♪ I was just a wandering soul ♪

♪ Working through the highs and lows ♪

♪ I heard a spirit whisper slow ♪

♪ Drift into the great unknown ♪

♪ Will anybody see my ghost ♪

♪ But ooh ♪

♪ I can see the light ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ So let me off at the end of the night ♪

♪ 'Cause all my friends are giving up ♪

♪ And I've had enough ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I can feel the weight of a thousand eyes on me ♪

You have one message.

First message.

Broseph, it's me.

Just letting you know that you're fucking depressing today,

and I just wanted to tell you

that you brought a real shit vibe to work

that I didn't appreciate.

Seriously though,

I'ma help you take your mind off that Mandy bitch,

so I set us up on a double date tomorrow night.

So leave that negative or crap at home.

It'll mess with my moj.

Oh, and dress up nice.

That leather jacket you wear

makes you look desperate to be young again.

End of messages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Relax, I got this.

Uh oh, looks like a fight's a-brewin'.

What are you going to do?

- Hey!

Grab my Dick!

♪ Dick Spray ♪

Good thinking, Bob.

That could have been a messy mess.

- Oh.

- That was a close one.

Thank goodness.

Yes, thank goodness for Dick.

New Dick Estrogen Spray.

When there's an ass, pull out your Dick.

- He's white.

- What?

- Randall.

He's the Sam Jackson Django.

How, 'cause I work for the white man nigger.

- Dude, what the hell?

- Look at him, acting as if he owns me.

Nobody owns me.

- I completely understand why you feel that way.

- Dude, just leave him alone, all right?

He's the reason you even have a job.

- That's my point exactly, thank you.

- Is this one of those

"I'm black so I need to experience some sort of racism,

"but since I'm not,

"I'm just gonna create it out of nothing" episodes?

- Maybe.

- Yeah, those are figure.

- So you're coming out tonight, right?

- Dude, this whole double dating crap right now

is not the perfect ti--

- Adam, you're single, okay?

Alone.

Loner.

Nobody to care for, nobody to answer to.

And right now, no girl wants you.

You're single.

You see where I'm going with this?

You need to quit it with this bullshit crybaby stuff

and focus on one thing and one thing only.

See you later, buddy.

- Idiot.

Uncle Tom.

- You wanna hear a secret?

I put a female pheromone on my neck.

That way, when I hug people, they can just breathe me in

and completely immerse themselves

in the scent of lavender and palm oil.

I do this because no hug's a good hug

unless both people are completely relaxed.

When they're relaxed,

they can just hug and sink into each other.

Do you wanna sink with me?

- No,

I don't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come in.

- Hey, bro.

We're running late, so let's get go...

Whoa, what the shit happened in here?

- What?

- And what is that smell?

- Whatever.

- Dude,

it smells like a homeless man puked in a dead man's asshole.

And are you seriously wearing that?

- What's wrong with this?

- What's right about it?

- Okay, you know what, forget about it.

I have an extra shirt in my car you can wear.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I don't need another shirt.

- Yes you do, because there's no way

I'm gonna go on a date with two hot-ass chicks

and bring along Mr. Rodgers.

Adam, Adam, we need to show these girls

that we are exciting and daring motherfuckers,

and it all starts with the clothes.

- You need help.

- Can we go?

Come on.

- Let's get this over with.

Not with that shirt.

- So Adam says, "Not without a condom."

She was 12.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

- Hey.

- How about we go to your places now?

- Yeah, I like that idea.

- I don't know if that's such a--

- Yeah, we'd love to.

- Yeah.

What's the worst that can happen, right?

- Oh, hey, Adam.

- Hey, Randall.

What's up?

- Have you seen Corey?

- No, why?

- No big deal, it's just that he's about an hour late or so.

But who cares, right?

Just wanted to make sure everything's cool.

- Right.

Well, I will let him know you're looking for him, bud.

- Okay, bud.

- Should probably get back to work.

- Right, I'll let you get to it.

- Okay.

- Whoa.

Holy shit.

Who is that?

- I don't know.

Must be one of the new hires Randall was talking about.

- Dude, I don't care if she's a married lesbian

with pubic lice, I'm gonna be in her.

- Where you been?

- Shh.

I'm looking at my future wife.

Yeah.

Randall's looking for ya.

Yeah, what's new?

- Hey, what happened last night?

- What didn't happen last night?

Those chicks were like grandma freaky.

- Grandma freaky?

- Oh yeah.

- How'd I get home?

- Bro, I dropped you off.

How it go anyways with that Tracy?

- Fuck me, bitch.

- Wait, what?

- Raw dog me, you pussy!

- What the fuck is wrong with you?

- Raw dog!

- Yo, dude.

- Ah, don't, don't hit me.

Shit.

- Yeah, shit.

You lucky bastard.

- S0 what happened with you and Jasmine?

- Oh, her, yeah.

- Oh, so big!

- Yeah, you like it, huh?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, talk dirty to me, come on.

- Oh, it's so firm.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh my God.

- What?

- Nothing, shut up.

- Oh, yeah.

Harder, harder, oh.

Oh my god, you're an animal, yes!

- Dude?

- Oh, yeah, I don't wanna talk about it.

- Corey!

You're late today.

- Oh, yes, Mr. Picotti.

I actually just spoke to Randall

about the whole flat tire situation I had this morning.

- Oh.

Randall already spoke to you?

- Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Came down on me quite hard.

- Good, 'cause we can't have tardiness like that

around here.

I'm glad to hear that Randall

is keeping an eye on you little fuckers.

- I'm sorry, sir?

- Fuckers.

The two of you, you are little fuckers.

- Um, what did I do?

And I don't think you--

- Shut up.

Listen, the only reason you two dildos

still have a job here is 'cause your dick buddy's my son.

But frankly, I get enough flak from my wife at home

about not wanting to have sex as much as I used to.

I don't need him adding to that shit pile at home,

you got me?

Do you have any idea what it's like

to be married to a nymphomaniac Ethiopian woman?

Do ya?

There's nothing that woman won't swallow.

I'm actually afraid of her.

And she squirts.

I'm not talking about your average poof in your face,

"Here's your award for your magic tongue" kind of thing.

No, no, no, no, no.

She calls it her black champagne.

You ever hear of anyone being drowned to death by champagne?

Oh, well I would be the first.

And I don't want either of you two

distracting the new employees.

I don't need them learning what not to do.

You got me?

- Yes, sir.

- All right.

Now, if you two losers will excuse me,

I got some work to do.

- Dude, what the hell is his problem?

- What did I do?

You're the one who showed up late.

- Potato, poh-tah-toh.

Who cares what he thinks?

All right, we're gonna go out again tomorrow night.

I'll call Greg, you call Ran-dull over there.

Chicks think we're a lot hotter

when we stand next to those two.

Besides, it makes us look more down to earth

to have ugly friends.

Tomorrow night, cabanas, 10:00 p.m.

And please leave the depressing you at home.

- Dick.

- Sorry, what?

- Oh, um, not you, Guy.

- Oh, okay.

Did you want it to be me?

- No.

- Okay.

Well, maybe another time, then.

- I should probably get back to work.

- Oh, okay, yeah.

Well, I'll be around.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Hug? - No.

- Next time.

Have a gorgeous day.

♪ Hey sexy ♪

♪ Hey sexy ♪

♪ Hey sexy ♪

♪ Sexy sexy sexy ♪

- So, uh, Randall, what do you do?

- I, uh--

- Actually, Randall here is our boss.

Yeah.

In fact, Randall's family owns damn near half the city.

- Really?

- In fact, don't you have the company credit card?

- Dude.

- Yeah, but...

- But what?

I mean, you can write this all off

as a business meeting, right?

- No. - Yes, yes.

- Oh, come on.

You know you want to.

- I don't know.

- Think about it.

When else are you gonna be surrounded

by a group of beautiful girls

who want nothing more to just simply have fun and party?

And that credit card

is the ticket to one of the best nights of our lives.

- He, uh,

kind of has a point.

♪ Bouncing bouncing bouncing ♪

♪ Bouncing bouncing bouncing ♪

♪ Bounding bouncing bouncing ♪

♪ Bouncing bouncing bouncing ♪

♪ Hey sexy ♪

♪ Hey sexy ♪

♪ Hey sexy ♪

♪ Sexy sexy sexy ♪

- Hey, what the hell are you doing with my girl?

- Um, hey.

Um, um, uh, oh, shit.

I had no idea that was your girl.

- It's funny, because I have no idea

how far my boys are gonna take that shot glass

and shove it up your ass,

but it's going to happen.

- Okay, bud.

I can call you bud, right?

- No, you can't.

- Okay, pal--

- Miguel, leave them alone.

- Miguel?

That's a stupid name.

- That's my dad's name.

- Hey, I think it's a great--

- Shut up! - Okay.

- Okay, uh, Miguel.

Um, you can't honestly expect us to believe

that this is your girl, because if that was your girl,

she sure as shit would not be gibing my boy titty shots

all night long.

And he is by far more beautiful than you can ever be.

Oh, and she sure as hell would not be giving my boy Randall

lap dances.

Oh, and she sure as shit

would not be talking to me all night long

about her love for this here dark meat.

So I don't know which way

you and your Backstreet Boy NSYNC Hanson

lookalike motherfuckers came in,

but you can go out the back door.

Hey!

- Oh, shit.

- Hey, whoa, just look, look, it was just one shot, okay?

- Really? - Yeah.

- That's good, 'cause I'll just take one shot.

- Aw, shit.

Hey, Randall.

You okay, man?

- What happened?

- We got our asses kicked

because of Cory's mouth is what happened.

- Whoa, what?

Because of my mouth?

Need I remind you

that it was your mouth on that chick's tits?

- He's got a point.

- Just shut up.

Hey, come on, get up.

- Hey, hey, you okay?

- He's fine.

- No, I'm not fine.

Do you see this?

This is not fine, okay?

The hundreds of dollars I spent on my dad's credit card

that I'm gonna have to pay back with my money's not fine.

And the fact that those girls in there had no interest in us

before they found out I had money may be fine with you,

but it sure isn't fine with me.

Doesn't it bug you knowing that they had no interest

in anything but my credit card?

I'm not doing this anymore.

- That's it.

Randall's right.

Those chicks didn't give two shits who he was

when we first walked in there.

- And they were interested in you, were they?

- No.

That's my point.

- He got hit pretty hard, so.

- Why do you think those girls were into those douche bags?

Because they're douche bags.

That's our problem.

We're not douche bags.

- That's a problem?

- Adam, why did, like, the last 20 girls dump you?

Because you're too fucking nice.

Randall, have you ever been with a girl?

- Screw you.

- And Greg, you're just a fat, ugly bastard.

- Look, this is the worst speech ever.

Get to the point.

- We're normal.

That's why we're all failing at this bullshit dating game.

- What are you talking about?

We just got laid the other night.

- Yeah, because I paid for them.

- Sorry, what?

You told me they weren't hookers.

I mean, you specifically told me that.

- No.

What I said was is that I didn't meet them at a brothel.

- You're the worst friend ever.

- Okay, whatever.

Those chicks in that bar were into two types of guys,

that's it.

Bad boys and rich pricks.

Simple.

If we wanna get those girls,

then we have to start being what they want us to be,

even if we aren't what they want.

- So what you're saying

is is that we're gonna become the perfect type of guy

that all women want.

- Oh, God.

- What are you talking about?

- Meet me at Jimmy's tomorrow night at 6:00.

This could very well be our last night in loserville,

gentlemen.

- What the hell just happened?

- I don't know, but I'm excited.

You have two messages.

First message.

Hey, Adam.

It's me, Mandy.

I know this is kind of random,

but can you please call me back as soon as possible?

It's important.

Bye.

Second message.

Hey, Adam, it's me again.

Just wanted to call you and let you know

you don't have to worry about calling me back.

I thought I might have left a sweater of mine at yours but,

good news, I found it.

So, yeah.

Goodbye.

End of messages.

- Now, before we begin,

we must all promise to keep this amongst ourselves.

If word gets out that we're setting up girls as targets,

we all fail.

Agreed?

Good.

Now, to make sure that we keep this a secret,

we must each, myself included,

do something in private that is so unheard of,

so embarrassing, so humiliating that under no circumstance

will we reveal our plan to anyone.

If you do, we show the world what you did.

- Wait, what?

- Yeah, what are you talking about?

- Each of us will privately film each other

doing something that we would never want anyone to ever see.

If you let out our secret,

we send the footage out to everyone everywhere.

And trust me, gentlemen, the stuff that I have lined up

will definitely keep this a secret.

- Well, what about you?

- You guys can pick.

- So who does what?

- Yeah, how do we decide who plays what role?

- Gentlemen, inside this bag

are all the various styles of men

that I could possibly Google.

Now I'm not talking about the typical crap

like the funny guy.

We all know women like to laugh.

No.

These are all the top prospect choices.

We each draw a style,

discuss how we could help each other out,

and then the game begins.

We each have three days to put this style into effect

on any woman that we want.

If you get lucky within that timeframe,

we then use that style in combination with another style

that passed the three-day test.

Simple.

- That will never work.

There's too many flaws with that,

the biggest being the fact that not every girl

likes the same thing.

- You're absolutely right.

But we're not out to just catch a simple salmon, Randy boy.

We're out to find a way

to lure in every type of fish out there,

no matter what body of water they're from.

- A metaphor.

Nice.

- I can't even believe I'm saying this, but that might work.

I mean, it's a process of elimination, right?

I mean, you take the attributes that work,

and you combine them,

and you get rid of the ones that don't,

and you ultimately come up with the--

- The Perfect Pickup.

- Perfect Pickup.

- The Perfect

Pickup?

- Buckle up, boys.

- Well, I already know that the nice guy doesn't work,

right?

Yup.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Okay, the whole purpose of us doing this

is to find the perfect type of guy

that women wanna be with whether they know it or not.

Rule number one, look and be the part.

Under no circumstance can you ever break character.

If you get caught, we get caught.

If you can't convince yourself

that you're that type of person,

you won't be able to convince them, either.

Rule two, use every resource possible

to sell your character.

We're a team, so help each other out.

Rule three, record everything you do.

What works, what doesn't.

Simple.

Process of elimination, boys.

And if we all play our cards right,

we could be having women

begging to stay the night in no time,

so keep your pads lookin' sharp.

And the most important rule of them all,

do not fall in love.

Unless, of course,

you wanna stay in character for the rest of your life.

- Time to lay down some suppressing fire.

My gosh.

Then what happened?

- Well, Christie,

it's hard to talk about, but that's when I lost my leg.

- You lost your leg?

- Well, they sewed it back on, so.

- They sewed it back on?

Oh, no, not my leg.

They sewed on Lieutenant Dan's.

- Okay,

they sewed another man's leg back onto you.

Is that even possible?

- We had the same blood type.

- Thank you.

- Hi, can I help you?

- Uh, oh, I get it.

You must not recognize me

when I'm not on stage or television, dear.

- Sorry, sir.

Do you have a reservation?

- It's Dyrk, with a Y.

- And your last name?

- Oh, no, no, there's no last name.

Just Dyrk.

It's what the label usually books me under.

- Sorry, sir, there's no Dyrk puling up.

- Fuckin' Sony Records, eh?

Eh?

Well, you smell nice, huh?

Huh?

All right, I walked it off.

Thank you for treating me like a normal person

and not someone who's rich and famous.

Appreciate that.

So how about you just book me

whatever room's available, dear.

- Ah, angel perfume.

- We actually only have the penthouse suite available.

- Perfect, suits me very well.

- And it goes for $4,500 a night.

- 4,500, you say?

No problem, but, uh,, Tara,

I figure since it's going to be actually you and me

sharing the night together,

maybe you and I can work out a deal.

Hm?

What are you so lose for, mate?

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Well he's fuckin' big, isn't he?

- I was talking to my mom today...

What?

- Oh.

Ah!

- Ladies, may I trouble you

for a romantic rendezvous around the park

on this most glorious day?

Let's go.

- Sir, my good man.

- Oh!

- I'm thinking two things,

and I know you're thinking 'em too.

Your dick, my vagina.

What you say to me,

Latoya.

Said I'm a dick.

- Who the fuck do you think you are?

- You're fucking with the wrong familia,

What you want,?

- We'll kill you!

Who is that?

Ew.

- Yuck.

Let's go.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Excuse me ♪

♪ Let me make a left ♪

♪ Hater wanna trip we can take a putt ♪

♪ Well well they don't understand ♪

♪ I ain't even let this let me do my thing ♪

♪ Do my thing ♪

♪ Do my thing ♪

♪ I ain't even at this 'til I do my thing ♪

♪ Do my thing ♪

♪ I do my thing ♪

♪ Sensation with a tip so we do our thing ♪

- Oh my God, are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

- That was completely my fault.

These damn Versace suits, right?

Are you sure you're okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- I'm just,

I'm running late for a meeting with a Fortune 500 company.

Look, let me make it up to you.

Let me take you to dinner, or for a drink?

What do you say?

I won't take no for an answer.

- Yeah, sure.

- Yeah? - Why not?

- Great, great.

Do you mind helping pick up all these $100 bills?

Sure, let's do it.

- All right.

- Look, I understand that, ma'am, okay,

but the records show that you used your cell phone in India,

so therefore we charge you for the usage.

Okay, well, were you in India on July 9?

You were.

So don't you find it coincidental

that you were in India on July 9

and there's cell phone usage in India on the exact same day?

She just hung up on me.

- Hey, Stacey.

How you doing today?

You look absolutely ravishing.

See you tonight.

- Definitely.

- What are you doing?

- What?

Taking her out on the town tonight

using my next style, the accent.

- I don't know, wait, wait, you work with her.

- Yeah, I know.

- So, what, you're just gonna go around here

speaking in an accent all the time?

- Never really thought about that.

- Stop talking in an accent.

- Whoa, what the hell?

- You can't do this, okay?

It's not in the rules.

- You're right, it's not.

That's why I can do it.

- You're an idiot.

You're gonna get caught, and that technically is--

- You know what, I see what's going on here.

You're just jealous.

- Uh, what?

- Yeah, you're just pissed

because I have the balls to actually go up to her

and ask her out, and you would just rather

sit here in your cubicle and stare at her

like some sort of creepy pedophile at a daycare.

- You're unreal.

- Adam, my office, now.

Corey, is this your desk?

- No, sir, Mr. Picotti, I was just asking

Adam...

- Where's your accent?

- Adam, you're late.

Take a seat.

Stacey.

Adam here is our floor support rep,

which tells you something about the kind of talent

we have working here.

Adam, Stacey is our newest drone who somehow managed

to complete the incredibly difficult training program

on how to answer a telephone,

and I need you to show her around

so I can pay her to actually do something.

But judging by the creepy way you stare at her

from your desk,

I'm guessing you already met.

Um,

nope, haven't met.

But, uh, hi, I'm Adam,

the guy who apparently stares at you in a creepy manner.

- I know-- - You see what I mean?

It's creepy the way he stares at you, isn't it?

- I, um...

- Time is money, Creepy and Drone.

I'll just, I'm just, this way.

- I can't believe he talks to people like that.

- Ah, you get kind of used to it.

Plus, the last person that gave it back to him

got fired on the spot for using abusive language, so.

And I mean, for a call center, it pays pretty good.

Hey, we get free coffee.

- Wow.

That makes up for all the abuse, then, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

So, are you just living here on your own, or?

- I'm staying with my aunt and uncle

while they're out of town,

just until I find my own apartment.

So, what do you do around here for fun?

- Well, sometimes we have these staff lunches,

and they can sometimes be--

- No, I mean, what do you do for fun outside of work?

- Me, uh, well, I like to golf.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- My God, I love golf.

- Really?

- Yeah, of course.

I've got mad golf skills.

- Well, maybe, um, maybe you and I

can go out to the course sometime if you're free?

- I'm free on Saturday.

- Saturday?

Yeah, yeah, I can do you on Saturday,

I mean, take you golfing.

- Great.

- Right, so 10:00 a.m.?

And you can then maybe show me your mad skills.

- Hmm.

- Yeah, okay,

I'm just gonna.

- Give me the purse!

Give me the purse, you fucking bitch.

Just shut up and give me the fuckin' purse.

I'll fuckin'--

- Hey!

- Shit, security.

- That's right, it's security, so let the girl go.

- Better get the hell outta here

before I relocate your balls.

- I'm not gonna ask you again.

I'm not...

- Don't move.

♪ Dick Spray ♪

- Ah, I can't see.

What the hell is that?

- My Dick.

- You're dead!

- We can talk about this, we can talk about this?

Please, please, please.

- So soft.

Is that cotton, or a blend?

What do you wanna talk about, Blue Eyes?

- What?

- You smell good.

What is that?

- What the fuck?

Holy shit.

- Thank you so much.

Are you okay?

You saved my life.

- I don't know about that.

I think they just wanted your purse, and sex.

- You were so, you're so brave.

- I was?

I mean, it's job to be brave, so.

Yeah.

I'm Sheri.

- I'm Greg, hi.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

I just can't believe that just happened.

- Yeah.

Come on, let's get you out of here.

- Okay.

- That's a pretty heavy purse.

- Oh, it's my makeup bag.

- Yeah, I guess Makeup's good for something

other than hiding ugliness.

Um, sure.

- Well, guys,

you wanna hear how my date went last night with Stacey?

- No, not really.

- It was probably the best night I've ever had,

and it all started from when I picked her up.

- I've been waiting for you.

- I've been waiting for you.

Yeah.

Ooh.

'Ello, darling.

Hmm, that's, that's

not what I thought you were gonna do with it.

Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Can I get another one?

Excellent.

Uh, no, no, no, no.

Right here, please.

Hmm.

What?

- So she fed you shrimp, did she?

- That's what I said.

- Right.

- So how were you two?

How's it been goin'?

- Oh, man.

It's been going awesome.

The soldier style didn't really pan out,

but then I tried the brave style,

and this girl was immediately into me.

So I just told her to fuck off.

- Wait, what, like before getting laid?

- Yeah.

I mean, it was obvious that the style was working, so.

And you know, I wasn't really that into her.

And man, she was hot.

She was really hot, and friendly,

and we had a lot in common.

And she gave me her number, so we went out for dinner,

and she likes a lot of the movies I like,

but I'm not gonna call her.

- Yeah, well, I wouldn't think so

after telling her to fuck off.

- Yeah, I did tell her to fuck off, so.

- So how were you, Randall?

How'd the bad boy work out?

- The, the, the, the bad boy.

It was, uh,

it was a good learning experience.

- What happened?

- Well, I pulled up to this biker bar and--

- Whoa, you pulled up?

What'd you pull up in?

You don't have a car.

- Um, my

moped.

- You fool, you had a moped!

- Okay, okay, guys.

Come on.

We have to fully commit if this is gonna work.

Did any of your styles work?

- Actually, the sensitive guy worked.

This girl, Corbie, called me last night,

and she wanted to meet up.

- Okay!

Well, from shit comes the corn.

Uh, so, how 'bout you?

- Rockstar, no, rich guy, yes.

- Okay, so we're about 50/50.

We're thinning out the list.

Good.

Soon, buys, we will have the ultimate combination.

Round two has officially begun.

Let's meet up this Saturday to check in,

let's say about 10:00 a.m.?

- I can't make that.

- Oh, really?

You can't make Saturday at 10:00 a.m.?

Oh, what, you got other plans, Adam?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Hey, Stacey, it's Adam.

I just noticed you weren't at work today,

and thought I would give you a call and see if you're okay.

Just confirming

if we were still good for Saturday morning as well.

Anyway, I hope all is well, and maybe I'll see you tomorrow.

All right, bye.

- Hey.

You still not free Saturday?

- No, I got plans.

Where's your fake accent?

Weirdo.

Adam?

- Um, yeah?

- It's Guy.

I knew it was you

because I seen you looking at yourself in the mirror

through this crack in my stall.

You ever do that?

Stare at people from the toilet stall

through the door cracks?

Kind of makes me feel like a spy.

I can see them, but they can't see me.

You know what I mean?

- No,

I can't say I do.

- Oh, I almost forgot.

You're probably gonna need this.

- Ah!

I went in that stall earlier

noticed there wasn't any toilet paper left.

- Um, uh,

thank you.

- No problem.

You'd be amazed how many times

I've had to throw out a pair of underwear because of that.

Yeah.

- My irritable bowel syndrome.

It's made me quite familiar with the old porcelain throne.

Oh, go ahead and answer.

I won't say a thing.

- Um...

Hello, Adam speaking.

Hi, Stacey.

How are you?

Are you feeling okay?

Uh, uh, yeah, no, that was just a noise.

And listen, I was just, um,

I was just seeing if we were

still on for Saturday and ah.

Uh, listen.

Yeah, we are?

Okay, that's good.

I'm just kind of in a hurry, and you know,

Ah, gotta go, gotta go.

I gotta go.

Bye bye.

- How'd it go?

Adam?

Are you still there?

Oh, yep, there you are.

I can see your shoes.

Hey, those are nice.

Where'd you get those?

Ah, jeez.

Just when you think you're done,

another one pokes its head out.

- "Where's your fake accent?"

I'll show you fake.

- I, Adam.

- Hi.

- You look...

- Too much?

- No, I, I like the distraction.

It keeps me focused on my game.

- Well, you'd better watch it,

'cause I brought a secret weapon.

- You mean other than the outfit, or?

That's your secret weapon?

- Yep.

Shall we?

- Yeah, yeah.

After you.

I think you're going to need your secret weapon.

- Don't get too cocky, mister.

You got your work cut out for you.

- All right.

Uh...

- No!

Uh, yeah.

- That was my favorite ball.

- Right.

- Give me one more shot.

- You better make it a good one.

The trick is to just keep your head down,

line your feet up with the hole,

and the rest is just a balancing thing.

- Oh, I know about balance.

Did ballet for years.

- That's what you said about golf.

- Ha ha.

- Let me, let me help you out, okay?

Um, what you wanna do is basically just put your head down.

You're gonna keep it real firm, the wrists, okay?

And you wanna pay attention

to the shaft and the balls, ball,

and what you wanna do is you wanna try to get it

into the hole as fast as possible.

To the pin.

You wanna shoot and get less strokes, shots into the hole.

I'm gonna stop talking,

and you can shoot whenever balance.

There you go.

- Impressive.

You teach this to all the girls?

- No, I don't actually date that many girls.

- Really?

That's not what Corey said.

- So, what else did my best friend tell you?

- Honestly?

Yeah.

- Well, he said that you just got out of a relationship

and that you have an odd collection of stuff.

- Uh, wait, what?

- Adam?

Thanks for the key, buddy.

Two can play this backstabbing game.

- Animal porn?

Are you kidding me?

Aww.

- Don't worry, I didn't believe everything he said.

- Wait, what do you mean, "Everything?"

Oh come on, you can't possibly believe any of that.

I mean, women's clothing?

That I have women over all the,

do I look like the type of guy

that invites women over all the time?

- So you're not gonna invite me over after this?

I, um, well,

maybe?

- I'd love to.

- Ah.

- Come on.

Let's go find my ball.

- All right.

Corey.

Sorry we couldn't find the ball.

- It's okay.

- Maybe it'll turn up.

- Maybe.

- Well, this is my home.

Just make yourself comfortable.

I'm just gonna use the restroom.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- Oh!

Oh my God.

Ugh!

Oh.

Oh my God.

- Stace?

What the...

- Anything else I'm not supposed to believe, Adam?

- Stacey, look,

I have no idea where this stuff came from, okay?

No, no, look, I didn't, I can explain, I...

What?

What the hell?

Yeah, who is it?

- Hey, Greg.

- No, don't come in!

- Dude.

- It was on sale.

What?

- Have you, have you, um,

have you seen Corey?

- Like, today?

- Asshole sabotaged me.

- What?

- Yeah.

He went and told Stacey all these bullshit lies about me.

Then he went into my house.

No, no, no, he broke into my house

and then sabotaged me while I was on a date with her.

- Wait a minute, a second.

You went on a date with Stacey?

- Yeah.

- The same Stacey that Corey went on a date with?

- Yes.

- Well, did you ask him if that was okay?

- No, I didn't.

- You clearly knew that he was into her, right?

- No, no.

He knew that I liked her too, so...

- Oh, well, then you're both dickheads.

- He went behind my back, okay?

Sabotaged me.

How does that make me a dickhead here?

- What is this, fuckin' high school?

Look, you wanna get at Corey, you kill him at his own game.

- What does that mean?

- The Perfect Pickup.

- And?

- Look, it's everything to him right now.

Like, more than pussy, which is crazy.

So he took something important away from you,

you take that away from him.

Simple.

- Wait, wait, wait.

So I...

So I take the Perfect Pickup away from him.

- You're a quick one.

- You may be a genius.

I mean, this thing that you're doing

with the cake right now?

Ugh.

Ugh.

Might be genius, though.

- Don't, don't listen to him.

You're a beautiful cake.

Unfortunately you met your match.

I'm gonna eat you like a vagina,

and you taste better, too.

Oh yeah, baby.

- Adam?

- Hey, bud.

- Hey, man.

- Uh, your mom just--

- Oh, yeah.

Come in, come in, come in.

- Yeah.

- Just, uh, prepping my next style.

- Cowboy, huh?

- Yeah.

- Hey, can I ask you something?

- Sure.

- What do you really think about this whole

Perfect Pickup crap?

- I like it.

I hate it.

This isn't me.

I can't do this.

I mean, look at me.

- Hey, wanna find out what the real Perfect Pickup

is with me?

- Okay.

Stacey, hey, hey.

Can I talk to you for a moment?

- No.

- Look, I don't know what happened yesterday, okay,

but whatever Corey told you--

- Was true.

- Well, it wasn't.

You can't listen to anything he tells you.

- Like what, Adam, huh?

Like the fact

that you're not into weird pornographic material

that have stacks of animal porn magazines,

or that you never bring women over to yours

but have more lingerie at your place than a whorehouse?

Let me guess, you're gonna tell me

that Corey doesn't donate his time at children's hospitals,

or that he doesn't plant trees on the weekend.

Is that right?

- I can't believe that you're falling for this.

- I don't wanna hear it, Adam.

If that's even your real name.

- Come on, Stacey.

- You started it, buddy.

- Hi.

Oh, no.

- Mm.

It's like a tasty wedding cake threesome.

Well, dude, I like her better.

Yeah?

Greg, it's Adam.

- 'Sup?

I, uh, I got a plan.

- Well, as long as it doesn't involve

me leaving this place tonight, we're good.

I'm, uh, busy.

The wedding cake?

- Yeah, man.

I'm almost done.

What's the plan?

- Hello?

- Love your show, bro.

- Who is that?

- I don't know.

- Really, how do you not know who this guy is?

- Yes, you two lovely ladies.

Would you care to assist me with my next trick?

- I do kegels.

How 'bout you?

- Man, word to your mother.

What?

Uh-uh, not doin' this one.

- Hello there.

Did I mention that I saved 450 crying little kittens

in Hurricane Katrina?

Oh, and my pastime is to sabotage my friends.

My name's Corey.

Nice to meet you.

- Dig it, baby, let's just jam.

Far out.

- Hi, I'm Randall.

I like this one.

He shoots, he scores!

- Hey, Stacey, how you doing?

I really had a great time the other night,

and I was just wondering

if perhaps we could do it again sometime.

- Corey, I hate to interrupt your rehearsal,

but Stacey, Mr. Picotti

would like to see us in his office.

- Oh, right.

Shall we?

- Uh, not you.

Just Stacey and I.

Oh, and before I forget,

my mom was doing some scrap booking,

you know, when we were younger, and she asked me to ask you

where your family was originally from.

- Ungland.

- Ungland.

Wow, that must be

in one of those smaller towns in England, right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, the accent makes sense now.

Great.

Shall we?

Oh my, you should really be careful, Corey,

'cause you don't really wanna get caught, do ya?

- Son of a...

- I don't wanna hear it.

You two will work

on putting the quarterly results presentation together,

and you will like it.

We have some very big clients attending

and it's up to you to make 'em come in their pants.

Go!

You got two weeks.

- Um,

look, uh, Stacey, um,

about the other night--

- Adam, please.

- No, I just wanna say that whatever you thought that was,

I'm sorry, and I just wanna put it behind us

and just focus on the presentation.

- Oh, yeah, of course.

I probably overreacted a bit myself, but yes, okay.

Let's put it behind us.

- Good, I like that.

So I was thinking,

if we were to split the financial reports into quarters,

it would really make it easy for us

to show how the sales have actually increased.

I don't know, what do you think?

- I think that your french maid costume was very cute.

- Look, I have no idea how that got there.

I will take it.

I'll take it.

- I like it.

The dress?

- Your plan.

- Oh.

- Let's split it into quarters.

- Of course that's what you meant.

- Boys!

What took you so long?

Oh, Greg, Randall, don't worry about paying,

I already got it.

Sorry, Adam.

Only had enough for two.

- Corey, uh, didn't really expect to see you here today.

- Uh, we come here every week.

Why wouldn't I be here?

- Go ahead, guys.

I'll meet you at the tee.

- All right, Randall, you're gonna keep score.

- No, no.

Randall's playing today.

You can keep your own score.

- All right, chill out.

What, you couldn't wait?

- Chill out, it's just one hole.

So fill me in, boys.

How's it going with the pickup?

Y'all probably bombing, am I correct?

Need a little Corey assistance, do we?

- I think we got it.

- What do you mean?

- The Perfect Pickup.

Yeah, we think we found out what it is already,

so don't worry about it, man.

I think we got it on our own.

- On your own?

It was my plan.

- Yeah, it was your plan until you broke the rules

and screwed me over with Stacey.

So you see, it's not only surprising

that you're actually here right now,

but it's even more surprising

that you actually think that I would just let that shit go.

- Fuck you, Adam.

What the hell's wrong with you?

- Me?

You're lucky if I don't shove this fucking club

up your ass, dickhead.

- Cry me a Backstreet Boy river.

It was a joke.

- Yeah, well, you have a sick fucking sense of humor.

- What, are you, you're all serious right now?

Greg, you're gonna be playing along with this shit?

- I don't know, man.

What you did, it wasn't cool.

- Cool?

What the hell do you know about cool?

- Don't talk to me like that.

- I will talk to you however the hell I want to,

you fat ass bull dyke.

In fact, the only reason you or Randall are here right now

is because I let you hang out with us.

- I think it's time for you to go.

- I agree.

- Sorry, what was that?

Did you have something to say?

You know,

I'm really gonna enjoy kicking the shit out of you,

you nerdy little bastard.

- Hey.

- What are you gonna do about it?

- It's like Adam said, it's time for you to go.

- Or else what?

- Or else I'm gonna release the footage.

I know I sure wouldn't want material like that

released about me.

- You wouldn't.

- It's like you said, I'm just a nerdy bastard.

What better way to prove you right than

to upload the footage onto the internet?

Go, now.

- Some friends you are.

A nerd, a walking vagina, and a fat ass.

Dream team.

- If I'm an ass, then you're a dick.

Why don't we get together and fuck, huh?

You know what I mean, you know what I mean.

You know what I mean!

- Really, Adam?

After years of friendship?

- No, I didn't do this.

This is on you.

- Fine.

The hell do you guys know about dating anyways?

Nothing.

You know, I'm gonna find the pickup on my own.

I can just imagine what you think it is.

Losers.

- Come on, guys, let's go.

- I gotta get my fingernails done tomorrow.

Lord Jesus, I won't pick up another girl, I swear.

What the fuck's the voltage on that shit?

- How you doin', miss?

Why don't you save a horse and ride a cowboy?

- You sexy cowboy, you're gonna get it!

You're gonna get it all night long!

Come on, baby, mash my bones.

Mash my bones, baby.

Yes, yes, giddy up!

- I don't punch girls, but I'll definitely hit that.

Ma'am, you're gonna have to put 'em up.

I see you concealing something.

Is it my heart?

Hey, baby.

I know it's nice and cold outside,

but I can keep you warm with my wood.

- In the navy, in the navy, in...

Hey, girl.

What's long, hard, and full of seamen?

My submarine entering your port.

I got it.

- How's the presentation coming?

- Great--

- Not you.

You.

- Um, great.

- Good.

'Cause the meeting's now in two days instead of next Monday.

You'd better impress.

- Did that just seriously happen?

- I think so.

- There's no way we're gonna get this done by then.

- Well, we'll just have to come up with something.

- Well, um,

how 'bout you let me take you to dinner tonight, huh?

Just to work on the presentation.

Come on, I promise I won't bite, okay?

- Well, I,

I kind of--

- Already have plans.

- Well, if you call sitting at the point by myself plans,

then yes.

- At the point?

By yourself?

- Yes.

- You know what the point is, right?

- I know, I know.

- So, what, you just sit there?

- Yes.

- By yourself.

- Yes.

- The point.

- Yes.

- By yourself.

- Are you done?

- I'm, I'm sorry, I just...

Why?

- I go there almost every night, actually.

It's a good place to just think.

And you gotta admit, it's the best view in this town.

- Yeah.

So, what?

You just sit in your car, or?

- You know that little bench out on the beach?

- Right.

- So you gonna let me

take you to dinner tonight?

Work on the presentation,

and then maybe we'll go dancing after.

- So you dance, do you?

- Yeah.

Didn't you hear?

Doing ballet for years.

- Are you truing to win me over?

- Is it working?

- No.

- I will call you after work, 'kay?

- Ah, yes, for two.

Let's do this, mate.

My apologies, Mary Ann.

- No, it's fine.

- By the way, it completely slipped my mind

to give you this at the beginning of our life.

I really hope you like it.

Now that's not just any rose.

I had it imported from Fiji for you,

and it was grown completely organically,

because I don't believe in harming the environment.

- Oh my God, I feel the same way.

- Really?

Yeah.

- Well, I don't like to bring it up much,

but when I was doing Haiti relief funding

and building animal shelters

for endangered pandas in Morocco,

I really started to develop

a certain type of respect for the world

and all of its creatures.

You see, when you allow yourself

to get to a state of utter love an appreciation

for everything outside your sheltered little box,

you really start to see and appreciate

all of he beauty the world has.

Beauty like you.

- That's, that's amazing.

But what do you do now?

I mean, this restaurant, and your Versace suit.

Importing flowers from Fiji?

I mean, that can't be cheap, Raul.

- My cover's blown, innit?

What can I say.

I've been very blessed in my life.

I've traveled the world.

I made all my money when I was in a UK rock band,

but I had to quit

so that I can focus more on the Ugandan children missions

and building water wells for Ethiopian families

run by widowed mothers.

So to answer your question,

what do I do for a living,

well, simply put,

I live life to its fullest.

- That's so sexy.

- Like I said,

been very blessed in my life.

It's as if though life keeps handing me good cards.

- Hi, just two.

- Hi, uh, just the two of us.

- Shit.

Do you mind switching me seats?

- What?

- Sorry, it's it's the lights.

The lights, it's very bright in here.

My eyes are very sensitive

due to the burning sun of the Ethiopian desert.

- Well, why are you whispering?

- The air, it's very dry in here.

- Well, did you want something to drink, Raul?

- Yes, Raul.

Yes, yes, please keep calling me Raul?

- Isn't that your name?

- What?

Yes, yes, of course it is, of course it is, what--

- You're acting really weird.

Would you just shh?

- So I think I found the best way

to show the quarterly results

that we completely shatter the expenditures visually.

- Really?

- Yeah, no, what we'll do is, we can take the--

- Adam.

Really?

- Um, what?

- You brought me to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

You've been doing everything you can for the last two weeks

to prove to me that you're not a lying,

disgusting house maid.

And now that you have me here,

you actually wanna talk about work?

- Well, I didn't think that you...

- I mean, you said that you didn't really wanna--

- I also told you that I was a good golfer.

- Right.

And I guess I did give you another shot.

- So I guess I could do the same.

- Bitch.

What?

- Not you, her.

- Who?

- Would you shh?

- I'm leaving.

- No, no, no, don't go.

- I knew that this was too good to be true.

- Would you just sit, please?

Corey?

- Corey?

What happened to Raul?

I, you, so,

fancy seeing you here.

Wait a minute.

What are you two doing here?

You two on a date?

Stacey, I thought you and I had a thing.

- A thing?

We went for coffee.

- Really?

But I thought you went to her house and she fed you shrimp.

- What?

- I don't even know who you are anymore.

- You told him that I fed you shrimp?

- I mean, yes, Adam.

Huh?

Are you using the jock card on her

with all this golf talk, huh?

- Whatever, man.

- Stacey,

has Adam here not told you about the Perfect Pickup?

- Corey, that's enough.

- What's he talking about?

- Oh, so you didn't tell her.

- Corey.

- My boy Adam here and his mates

have been painting up the town, picking up birds,

finding what they call the perfect way to pickup women.

Sorry, love, you're just one in the lot.

- Stacey, don't listen to him.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

- Is that true?

- No.

Look, don't listen to anything he says about me, okay?

He's been lying the whole time.

You cannot trust him.

- Screw you, Adam.

Some friend you turned out to be.

- Me?

You sabotaged our friendship

when you put all that crap in my apartment

for Stacey to see.

- Wait.

Corey, what happened to your accent?

- Yeah.

- Oh my God.

Adam was right.

You've been lying to me this whole time?

- You're not the only one.

- Both of you have.

- No, no.

Stacey, look, I can explain, okay?

- Adam, tell me he's lying

about this Perfect Pickup bullshit.

- Yeah, Adam.

Why don't you tell her about all this bullshit?

- Shut up.

Is he lying?

- Look, it's not what you think it is, okay?

- I thought you were different.

I thought you were a nice guy.

- Adam--

- Don't.

Don't talk to me.

♪ I was just a wandering soul ♪

♪ Working through the highs and lows ♪

♪ I heard a spirit whisper slow ♪

♪ Drift into a great unknown ♪

♪ Will anybody see my ghost ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I can see the light ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ So let me off at the end of the night ♪

♪ Because all my friends are giving up ♪

♪ And I've had enough ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I can feel the weight of a thousand eyes on me ♪

♪ I began to hear my name ♪

♪ And silence in a hurricane ♪

♪ The dust was leaving from my veins ♪

♪ Like some forgotten border train ♪

♪ Carried to my home again ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I can see the light ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ So let me off ♪

You have two messages.

First message.

Adam, it's Mom.

Just letting you know,

I sent you a parcel that should arrive there tomorrow.

I don't wanna let you know what it is, it's a surprise,

but it's cookies, so make sure you open them up right away

so that they're still fresh when you eat them.

I love you.

Bye.

Second message.

Adam, it's Corey.

Listen, I know what happened was, well, crazy.

I'm not expecting you to forgive me, but I've been thinking,

and you should really try and go and get Stacey back.

You two definitely look like you had something real.

Anyway, I don't really do this sappy stuff too good,

so, sorry.

This isn't worth losing a friend over.

I hope you think so, too.

Anyway, call me or whatever.

♪ I said I'd love you 'till I die ♪

♪ I can see the light ♪

♪ Let me off at the end of the night ♪

- Hey, I got a package here for a Mr. Fisher.

- Yeah, I'm Adam Fisher.

- Just, yeah, sign here, please.

Yeah.

Mom.

Did you forget something?

Hi.

- Hi.

- What are you, um, what are you doing here?

I mean, not that I mind, I just thought that you--

- How'd the presentation go?

- Um, good, yeah, thanks.

- Are you lying?

Uh, okay, I guess I deserve that.

So, you quit.

- I couldn't work another day for Mr. Picotti.

- So I'm not the reason you quit?

- No.

You definitely had a big part in it.

- Listen, Stacey, I, um, I--

- I know, Adam.

I know everything.

I know that Corey put all that stuff in your apartment,

and I know that you were telling me the truth.

- I was?

He did?

You do?

- Yes.

I also know about this so-called Perfect Pickup thing

and what you really did with it.

- What?

How?

- Well, actually, Corey called me.

- Great.

So what crazy things am I into now?

- Apparently,

me.

- You have no idea how hard that was to find.

- So,

what now?

- Um...

Give me one more shot?

- You'd better make it a good one.

♪ Hold me close ♪

- I, um, I promise.

♪ Hold me in ♪

Well, there you have it, my story in a nutshell.

Stacey and I, we're still together.

And hey, I broke the four-month curse,

so I guess that whole "nice guys finish last" thing

is true to some extent.

But as long as you find someone

who eventually likes a nice guy,

then who cares if you finish last?

As for Randall, he told Corby everything,

and she completely forgave him

for lying about poisoning his dog.

Lucky for him though,

it turns out she's a bigger comic book geek than he is.

Who would have thought?

♪ When the drugs kick in ♪

As for Greg and Sheri, yep,

they too are still together,

and are the funniest couple I know.

In fact, they recently just got engaged.

I told Greg he should get two wedding cakes,

one for the guests and one for himself.

He told me to shove it up my ass.

Oh, and as for Corey, well, him and I are friends again,

but he still thinks that the perfect pickup exists.

Oh, and you're probably wondering

what happened to our version of the perfect pickup, right?

Well, actually, we never found it.

In fact, we only used it to probe

that being someone we're not is not the best path.

Who knows.

Maybe, maybe one day

Corey will learn the same thing.

Idiot.

♪ I told you twice ♪

- 'Ello.

So in the end we learn that

it's not about how you act, or how you dress,

or how much money you make, it's about who you are inside.

And if you stay true to yourself,

then eventually you'll find someone who loves you for you,

and that's where you'll find true happiness.

So in a way, I guess the perfect pickup does exist.

It's being yourself.

Happy hunting.