Original subtitles

[chatter]

THERE HE IS.

[overlapping chatter]

MAKE A NICE, NEAT LINE,

AND I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.

YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

[clamoring continues]

OKAY, YOU CAN COME IN NOW.

ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE.

MAKE A NICE LINE, ORDERLY, AND BE KIND. BE NICE.

WHAT ABOUT MY PAINT JOB?

MR. BILLINGS, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A MAJOR IMPROVEMENT.

IT WOULD BE UP TO THE OWNER.

OH, IT'S ALWAYS UP TO THE OWNER.

I HAVE COCKROACHES.

NO, YOU DON'T.

IN NEW YORK, THEY HAVE COCKROACHES.

HERE WE HAVE PALMETTOS, AND THEY'RE HARMLESS.

MY LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTER, VERY PLACID, VERY QUIET,

NEVER TALKS ABOVE A WHISPER, TIPTOES WHEN SHE WALKS.

ADORABLE, NO? NO.

LOOK, JUST FOR TWO DAYS WHILE HER MOTHER GOES TO VISIT HER...

MRS. DAVIS, RULES ARE RULES.

AND AT GRAND MANOR, THE RULES ARE NO CHILDREN,

NO PETS, AND NO UNNECESSARY REPAIRS OR EXPENSES.

I'M NOT ASKING FOR UNNECESSARY REPAIRS.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY. WHAT CAN I TELL YOU, MRS. DAVIS?

NO CHILDREN MEANS NO CHILDREN.

IF I'VE HEARD IT ONCE, I'VE HEARD IT A MILLION TIMES.

THE OWNER HAS SAID THEY'RE VERY CUTE WHEN THEY'RE LITTLE,

BUT WHEN THEY GROW UP...

THAT SAYING IS FOR KITTENS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

AFTER ALL WE'VE MEANT TO EACH OTHER,

YOU WOULD ACTUALLY EVICT ME

FOR KEEPING A PARAKEET IN MY ROOM?

SWEETHEART, IF I LET YOU KEEP A PARAKEET,

I'D HAVE TO LET EVERYBODY ELSE KEEP A PARAKEET,

AND THIS IS NOT A BIRD SANCTUARY.

IT'S AN APARTMENT HOUSE.

HONEY, HE'S ONLY FOLLOWING RULES.

IF YOU WANT TO BLAME SOMEONE,

BLAME THE ROTTEN OWNER.

(woman) HE IS THE ROTTEN OWNER.

WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, FOLKS.

I HAVE AN IMPORTANT APPOINTMENT OUTSIDE.

EXCUSE ME.

MR. GARRONE, IS THAT YOU? I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!

MR. GARRONE!

IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS, AND I WANT MY RENT

OR I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR APARTMENT, MR. GARRONE!

I WANT IT BACK! I WANT MY RENT, MR. GARRONE!

YOUR RENT IS DUE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE STEPS!

MISTER, WOULD YOU CROSS ME?

OUT OF MY WAY, OLD LA... AAH!

[thud]

[chatter]

♪ HARE KRISHNA

♪ KRISHNA KRISHNA

♪ HARE HARE

♪ HARE RAMA, HARE RAMA ♪

♪ RAMA RAMA

♪ HARE HARE ♪

[thunder]

[woman screaming]

[screams]

[all screaming]

[ominous music]

♪

[wailing and shouting]

I'M HAVING A BAD DREAM.

I'M HAVING A BAD DREAM.

I'M HAVING A BAD DREAM.

I'M... I'M...

BARNEY SATIN,

SOULS MANAGER.

ON BEHALF OF GREGORY,

JULIAN,

VERONICA,

PAUL, AND LANCE,

AND OUR ESTEEMED CHAIRMAN,

WELCOME TO HELL.

BUT... BUT I'M NOT DEAD.

SEE? SEE?

I'M NOT DEAD.

NO, WAIT, WAIT! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! WAIT A MINUTE!

NO, WAIT, HOLD EVERYTHING!

YOU'RE MAKING A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

I DON'T BELONG HERE.

I-I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING.

(deep, booming voice) MAXWELL HARVEY DEVLIN,

FOR CHEATING IN FOURTH GRADE SPELLING TEST,

FOR MISREPRESENTING HIS AGE AT THE LOCAL MOVIE HOUSE,

PRANK PHONE CALLS,

STEALING BUBBLEGUM FROM THE LOCAL SUPERMARKET,

DITCHING AN UGLY BLIND DATE...

THESE ARE TRIVIAL MISDEMEANORS.

I'M AWARE OF THAT.

THIS IS A NEW GAME PLAN, REMEMBER?

NOW IF YOU'LL JUST BEAR WITH ME, MR. CHAIRMAN, SIR.

(deep, booming voice) FOR FRAUDULENT INCOME TAX DEDUCTIONS...

BUT EVERYBODY DOES THAT.

(deep, booming voice) FOR FAILING TO FOLLOW THROUGH

ON INNUMERABLE REAL ESTATE PROMISES,

FOR FAILING TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON 11 PROMISES OF MARRIAGE...

BUT I'M NOT THE MARRYING KIND.

I'M A-A-A PERENNIAL BACHELOR.

(deep, booming voice) FOR FAILING TO ASSIST AGENT HARGRAVES...

AGENT HARGRAVES? WHAT? WHO'S AGENT HARGRAVES?

NOW LOOK, THIS IS ALL... THIS IS A MISTAKE!

LOOK, I'VE NEVER HEARD

OF ANY AGENT HARGRAVES BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

[snaps fingers]

AGENT HARGRAVES.

THAT'S ENTRAPMENT!

IT'S NOT FAIR!

FAIR?

ARE YOU FORGETTING WHERE YOU ARE?

(deep, booming voice) MAX DEVLIN IS HEREBY CONDEMNED TO LEVEL FOUR.

LEVEL FOUR?

WHAT'S LEVEL FOUR?

IT'S HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE.

YOU'RE GONNA SEND ME SOMEPLACE HORRIBLE?

UNLESS...

UNLESS... UNLESS WHAT? WHAT?!

WELL, LET'S SAY THAT WE CONDITIONALLY RESTORE YOU

TO LIFE ON EARTH,

SAY FOR A PERIOD OF, MMM, TWO MONTHS.

IN THAT TIME, IF YOU COULD FIND THREE SOULS

TO TAKE YOUR PLACE, YOU SIGN THEM.

THEN, IF YOU DON'T, HMM...

LET ME SEE.

THERE'S JOE BASUTI.

HE'S OUR SLUM LANDLORD.

AND THERE'S A DOCTOR I KNOW

WHO'S DEEPLY INTO MEDICAID FRAUD.

AND OH, YEAH, A HIT MAN I KNOW IN VENICE.

NO GOOD.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S NOT VENICE, ITALY.

IT'S VENICE, RIGHT HERE IN CALIFORNIA.

NO GOOD.

SOONER OR LATER, WE'LL GET THOSE PEOPLE ANYWAY.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

[imitating The Chairman] IT'S NO GOOD.

WE GET THESE PEOPLES ANYWAYS.

MR. DEVLIN,

WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR

IS FRESH,

UNSULLIED INNOCENCE.

OH.

I DON'T THINK I KNOW TOO MANY PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

ACTUALLY, I DON'T THINK I KNOW ANY.

WHERE DO I FIND THEM?

THEY'RE ALL OVER, UNFORTUNATELY.

TO FACILITATE MATTERS,

LET'S START WITH YOUR AREA.

UNSULLIED INNOCENCE.

L.A.

GET THEM.

YOU WANT ME TO CORRUPT THE SOULS OF LITTLE KIDS?

SEE, I'VE NEVER BEEN MUCH ON KIDS.

BUT THAT'S NOT A NICE THING.

NEITHER IS LEVEL FOUR.

WHERE DO I SIGN?

[siren wails]

[cheers]

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

Y-Y-YOU JUST GOT KILLED BY THIS BUS.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.

[chanting]

♪

(Barney) MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

(Max) DO I KNOW YOU?

D'YOU LIVE AROUND HERE?

I MEAN... I MEAN, YOU LOOK VERY FAMILIAR.

MY GOD.

WHAT'LL IT BE?

JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I SAID, "JUST GIVE ME A SECOND."

WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS CRAZY.

I DON'T KNOW YOU.

I DREAMED YOU.

IT WAS NO DREAM, MAX.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, MAX.

WELL, YOU WANNA ORDER OR NOT?

UH, I'LL HAVE ANOTHER BLACK COFFEE.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ABOUT MY FRIEND HERE?

(waiter) YOUR FRIEND?

(Max) YEAH, YEAH. MY FRIEND.

OKAY, TWO COFFEES. ONE FOR YOUR FRIEND.

HE CAN'T SEE ME, MAX.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ONLY YOU CAN SEE ME.

(Max) YOU CRAZY.

YOU CRAZY, YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU MUST HAVE JUST ESCAPED FROM THE FUNNY HOUSE.

[laughs]

TWO COFFEES. ONE FOR YOUR FRIEND.

(Max) HEY, DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

YEAH, YEAH. I SEEN HIM AROUND.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK, YOU MAKE SURE TO PICK UP THE TAB.

YOU SEE, I DON'T TRUST YOUR FRIEND.

HE'S PUTTING YOU ON. HE CAN'T SEE ME.

YOU'RE CRAZY! YOU'RE CRAZY!

YOU KNOW... HEY, MAC!

MAC, HE TELLS ME YOU CAN'T SEE HIM.

LOOK, BUDDY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR FRIEND AND LEAVE.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO CALL THE COPS.

COPS?

HE'S GONNA CALL THE COPS NOW.

EVERYBODY'S CRAZY AROUND HERE.

I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.

HEY, HEY, HEY, THAT'S $1.05 FOR THREE COFFEES.

DON'T WORRY. I'M PAYING.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S HAVE IT.

OKAY, BUDDY.

LET'S HAVE IT.

LISTEN. A WEIRD THING...

A WEIRD THING JUST HAPPENED.

THERE'S THIS MIRROR BEHIND THE CASHIER.

YOU'RE ONE OF US NOW.

INHABITANTS OF HELL CAST NO REFLECTION.

YOU REMEMBER THIS.

OH, MY GOD.

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

I'M SORRY. YEAH.

IT'S TRUE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. WHY ME?

I'M YOUNG.

I WASN'T ANY WORSE THAN THE NEXT GUY.

I MEAN, I WASN'T ALL BAD, WAS I?

IT'S NOT FAIR.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU?

YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM.

I MEAN, YOU DID IT ALL YOURSELF.

NOW IS THERE SOMEPLACE LESS PUBLIC WE COULD...

WE HAVE THINGS TO DISCUSS BECAUSE TIME'S WASTING.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, YOU... YOU OKAY?

NOW, LOOK, LET'S SYNCHRONIZE OUR WATCHES.

WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE?

WHO CARES? I'M DEAD.

NO, CHEER UP NOW. YOU HAVE MIDNIGHT,

MAY 15TH.

I WANT SIGNED CONTRACTS OF THE THREE KIDS.

OKAY.

FOR STARTERS, WHO ARE THEY?

WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES? HOW AM I GONNA MEET 'EM?

CONCENTRATE.

CONCENTRATE?

CONCENTRATE.

LIKE THE GIRL. SHE'S YOUR TARGET.

CONCENTRATE.

LIKE THAT?

YEAH.

[twinkling sound]

YEAH? YES.

THIS IS PHENOMENAL.

WOW. IT'S LIKE I GOT ESP OR SOMETHING.

I GOT HER. I GOT HER. I CAN SEE HER.

IT'S A LITTLE HAZY...

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THE FIRST TIME OUT?

WHY, THIS IS AMAZING.

HEY, HOW CAN I BE THERE? HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

SAME TECHNIQUE.

YOU CONCENTRATE HARDER.

LITERALLY THINK YOURSELF THERE.

I HATE THE WAY I LOOK.

NO, NO, YOU LOOK GREAT.

I LOOK TERRIBLE. NO, YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK.

(Stella) I LOOK TERRIBLE.

I CAN'T GET THE BACK. I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.

(Heidi) STELLA, YOU'RE GONNA BE TERRIFIC TONIGHT.

(Stella) YEAH, SURE.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT. I-I'M...

I'M VERY... I'M NOT REALLY HERE.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, WELL, COME... COME IN... IT'S...

KINKY.

OH, YEAH, BOY.

BARNEY!

IN THE LADIES' ROOM. FOR GOD'S S...

PLEASE.

IN THE LADIES' ROOM.

NEXT TIME, YOU LOOK BEFORE YOU...

LEAP. RIGHT.

NEXT TIME, I LOOK BEFORE I LEAP.

NOW... OH!

NOW, FROM NOW ON, THIS, IN ORDER TO CONCENTRATE...

BUT I THOUGHT...

IT'S NOT NECESSARY.

OKAY?

ONE OF THE MOST VALUABLE OF YOUR NEWLY-ACQUIRED GIFTS

IS TO CONFER MAGIC PROPERTIES,

YOU SEE.

NOW TO DO THAT, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS COMMAND YOUR TARGET TO PERFORM.

PERFORM WHAT?

WHATEVER.

OH. YEAH.

(man) THE AIR CONDITIONER'S ONE THE FRITZ AGAIN,

AND IT'S HOTTER THAN HELL UP HERE.

HA!

HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW HOT IT IS.

MAX, YOU BETTER GET MY SCREEN FIXED,

THOSE PALMETTOS ARE COMING IN THE WINDOWS.

THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

(second woman) MAX, MAX, I DON'T HAVE HOT OR COLD WATER.

(Barney) I'M OVER HERE.

(woman) PLEASE BE AN ANGEL AND FIX IT.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I CAN'T WASH...

MAGIC PROPERTY LASTS ONLY SO LONG

AS YOU AND THE TARGET ARE WITHIN SIGHT OF EACH OTHER.

WHAT HAPPENS TO THE KIDS AFTER THEY SIGN?

NOTHING.

WE DON'T GET THEM TILL THE NATURAL ENDS OF THEIR LIVES.

[rock music]

♪

[gasps]

HEY, ISN'T THAT THE HEAD A & OFF

OF BLIZZARD RECORDS?

(Stella) AH, MAN.

WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE NOT TO MESS UP NOW.

YOU WON'T. YOU WON'T. WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

HEY, THAT'S THE GUY FROM THE JOHN.

HEY, DON'T COME NEAR ME, PAL.

YOU LAY A HAND ON ME, AND I'LL SCREAM.

OH, I'M GENUINELY SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BATHROOM.

IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.

I JUST WALKED THROUGH THE WRONG DOOR.

HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A PERVERT, HEIDI.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M NOT.

BUT I AM VERY GOOD LUCK.

AND I GUARANTEE, YOU WILL NOT FAIL TONIGHT.

♪

[applause]

YOU'RE GONNA DO ALL RIGHT. NOW GO GET 'EM, STELLA.

[chatter]

ALL RIGHT, NOW, TO SING HER OWN MATERIAL,

THIS IS HER FIRST TIME NOW, FOLKS,

SO LET'S HAVE A WARM WELCOME FOR MISS STELLA SUMMERS.

COME ON. [applause]

HI.

IN, UM, IN TOPANGA CANYON, UH, WHERE I COME FROM,

THE LIVING... THE LIVING'S REAL EASY

'CAUSE EVERYBODY'S FOLKS

KINDA LET THEM DO THEIR OWN THING,

WHICH IS WHY I'M GLAD I COME FROM THERE.

[chatter]

UM, SO WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO RIGHT NOW

IS SING TO YOU A TUNE THAT I... I WROTE THIS TUNE.

AND I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE IT

TO ALL THE KIDS AROUND THE COUNTRY

WHO DON'T HAVE IT SO GOOD.

[applause] WHOO!

[piano plays]

[weakly] ♪ OH, IT'S SO HARD

♪ SAYING... [clears throat]

♪ WHAT I NEED IN HERE [coughs]

♪ WHEN I KNOW IT MEANS [booing]

♪ THERE'S NO YOU

[suddenly stronger] ♪ I'VE NEVER LOVED

♪ AND BEEN SO SURE OF IT

WHAT HAPPENED?

♪ NOW I GUESS WE BOTH HAVE TO CHOOSE ♪

♪ OH, YOU SAY FRIENDS, AND I SAY THAT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪

♪ GIVE IT UP

♪ OH, I SAY LOVE IS, BUT IT IS JUST TOO MUCH ♪

♪ FOR YOU TO TOUCH

♪ OH-OHH

♪ SAY GOOD-BYE

♪ ANY FOOL COULD SEE

♪ IT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR ME

♪

♪ HERE ALL ALONE

♪ YES, I'M ALL GROWN-UP NOW

♪ WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SO STRONG ♪

♪

♪ SHOULD I GIVE IN

♪ AND SETTLE FOR THE MOMENT

♪ WHILE I HOPE THIS ROMANCE ♪

♪ IS OHH...

♪ WHOA-OA, YOU SAY FRIENDS, AND I SAY THAT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪

♪ GIVE IT UP

♪ OH, I SAY LOVE IS, BUT IT'S JUST TOO MUCH ♪

♪ FOR YOU TO TOUCH

♪ OHH-OH!

♪ SAY GOOD-BYE

♪ ANY FOOL COULD SEE

♪ OH, YOU SAY FRIENDS, AND I SAY THAT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪

♪ GIVE IT UP

♪ OH, I SAY LOVE IS, BUT IT'S JUST TOO MUCH ♪

♪ FOR YOU TO TOUCH

♪ OHH

♪ SAY GOOD-BYE

♪ ANY FOOL COULD SEE

♪ THAT IT'S WHAT I NEED

♪ 'CAUSE I MUST BE FREE

♪ YES, IT'S TIME TO BELIEVE ♪

♪ IN ME ♪

[cheers and applause]

YEAH!

WHOO!

STELLA SUMMERS.

JUST STICK WITH ME, KID.

EXCUSE ME. YEAH?

JERRY NADLER, A & R,

BLIZZARD RECORDS.

LISTEN, SWEETHEART, THAT WAS SHEER DYNAMITE.

YOU GOT ANYTHING ON TAPE? NO.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS COME

INTO THE PLACE, ANY TIME THAT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU

WE'LL LAY SOMETHING DOWN, OKAY?

YEAH. HOW ABOUT NEXT WEEK?

YEAH. OH!

CAN HE COME? CAN HE COME?

WHY, WHAT IS HE? YOUR MANAGER OR WHAT?

SHE NEEDS ME. COME ON. THEY WANT YOU!

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M HER, UH, GROUPIE.

GREAT.

GREAT.

[dramatic ominous music]

♪

NELSON, DARLING, IT'S 1:00 IN THE MORNING.

WHAT'S KEEPING YOU UP SO LATE?

UH, THE UCLA LAW REVIEW.

IT'S FASCINATING.

OH. THAT'S NICE, DEAR.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

COME ON. FORGET ABOUT HIM.

AH, COME ON.

JUST ONE QUICK LESSON.

JUST FORGET IT, NERD.

WHY?

BECAUSE NERDS DON'T DO DANGEROUS STUFF.

SUPPOSE YOU FELL OFF THE BIKE?

YOUR DADDY'D SUE US.

I'LL SIGN A WAIVER.

FORGET IT.

OH!

UH, DO YOU TAKE BEGINNERS?

DEPENDS ON HOW BADLY YOU WANNA LEARN.

WHAT? WHAT?

I SAID, IT DEPENDS ON HOW BADLY YOU WANNA LEARN.

OH, A LOT.

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T WANT TO DIVULGE

MY EXPERTISE TO JUST ANYONE.

YOU'VE GOT TO WANT IT SO BAD,

I MEAN, SO BAD THAT YOU'D SELL YOUR SOUL FOR IT.

WELL, I'M YOUR MAN.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A WILD COINCIDENCE

YOU JUST COMING ALONG LIKE THAT.

HOP IN.

MAX DEVLIN.

NELSON NORDLINGER. HOW DO YOU DO?

NICE MEETING YOU, NELSON.

(Nerve) OH, IN SCHOOL, THEY JUST CALL ME NERD.

(Max) INSENSITIVE BUMS.

(Nerve) AREN'T YOU GONNA SHOW ME HOW FIRST?

(Max) NAH, LEARNING BY DOING... THAT'S MY MOTTO.

COME ON. GET ON, AND TAKE HER AWAY.

WELL, MR. DEVLIN, YOU KNOW, THE WORST THING

ABOUT BEING THE NERD IS JUST THAT YOU BEGIN

TO BELIEVE THE LITANY OF DISASTER YOU WERE BROUGHT UP ON.

TO PUT IT BLUNTLY, I'M SCARED TO GET ON THIS THING.

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

BUT SONNY BOY, I'M NOT YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL TRAINER.

I HAVE WROUGHT MIRACLES IN MY DAY.

YOU EVER HEARD OF ROGER DECOSTER?

YOU TAUGHT ROGER DECOSTER?

BY THE TIME I'M FINISHED WITH YOU,

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ROGER DECOSTER LOOK LIKE MOLASSES.

YOU'RE GONNA BE THE MOTOCROSS CHAMP OF THE WORLD.

NOW COME ON.

MIRACLE MAX SAYS STEP ON THE STARTER.

[engine starts]

MIRACLE MAX SAYS YOU'RE GONNA RIDE ALL OVER THIS HILL,

AND WHAT'S MORE, YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.

TRY.

JUST THOUGHT I'D REMIND YOU

THAT THE MAGIC PROPERTY LASTS ONLY AS LONG

AS YOU AND THE SUBJECT ARE WITHIN SIGHT OF EACH OTHER.

HEY, COME BACK!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

YOU DID PRETTY GOOD, CONSIDERING THE HUNK OF JUNK

YOU WAS RIDING ON.

WELL, THAT'S NOT MY HUNK OF JUNK.

IT BELONGS TO MY TRAINER.

IT DOES?

WHAT KIND OF TRAINER'S LEARNING YOU

ON A RATTLY TRAP OL' THING LIKE THAT?

OH, WELL, SO LONG AS IT RUNS, I GUESS.

HEY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU COME ON OUT

,

I'D BE GLAD TO RACE AGAINST YOU PROPER.

BIG BILLY HUNNIKER'S THE MONIKER.

NERVE NORDLINGER.

NERVE WITH A "V."

BE SEEING YOU NOW.

YOU STUPID, DUMB IDIOT!

IT'S A MIRACLE YOU WEREN'T KILLED.

LOOK, WHEN I SAID OVER THE HILL,

I DIDN'T MEAN LITERALLY OVER THE HILL.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

HOW YOU CHOOSE TO ENDANGER YOUR LIFE

IN YOUR SPARE TIME IS BEYOND MY CONTROL.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE RIDING THIS BIKE,

I NEVER WANT YOU OUT OF MY SIGHT.

EVER! IS THAT CLEAR?

NOW LET'S CRUISE, EASY AND NICE, BACK TO THE CAR.

YEAH.

OKAY.

[carnival music]

♪

FOUR.

NEXT. I'LL TAKE ONE.

SORRY.

NO CHILDREN UNDER 12 ARE PERMITTED WITHOUT AN ADULT.

HE'S WITH ME.

I'M HIS UNCLE MAX.

MAKE THAT TWO, PLEASE?

YEAH. TWO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NEXT.

BY THE WAY, WHOSE THE UNCLE MAX AM I?

TOBY'S.

TOBY WHO?

TOBY HART, AND THANKS A LOT FOR HELPING ME.

MY PLEASURE.

[riders scream]

WELL, I'LL SEE YA, UNCLE MAX.

THANKS AGAIN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'LL SEE ME?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING SUCH A GREAT TIME?

UH, I AM, BUT I RAN OUT OF MONEY, SO.

WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? I GOT PLENTY OF MONEY.

THE NEXT ONE'S ON ME.

REALLY? SURE.

I FIGURE WE SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER,

GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER.

I'LL FIND OUT THE KIND OF THINGS YOU LIKE,

YOU'LL FIND OUT THE KIND OF THINGS I LIKE.

FOR INSTANCE, TOBY, IF YOU COULD HAVE ANYTHING

IN THE WHOLE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

TO DO THE OCTOPUS AGAIN.

WELL, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

DON'T YOU LIKE THE OCTOPUS?

BETTER THAN LIFE ITSELF, BUT WHAT I THOUGHT WAS

THAT IF YOU AND ME GOT OUR HEADS TOGETHER...

[screams of excitement]

OKAY, SO YOU DON'T WANT

TO BE THE BEST PITCHER IN YOUR CLASS.

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE STRONGEST KID IN THE WORLD.

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE LEAD SOPRANO

IN THE VIENNA BOYS' CHOIR.

THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?

HEY, I GOT IT, I GOT IT.

I GOT IT. INVISIBLE!

IF YOU WERE INVISIBLE, YOU COULD COME HERE ALL THE TIME

AND RIDE THE RIDES FOR FREE.

WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?

WAIT. BUT WOULDN'T THAT BE CHEATING?

YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO CHEAT.

WELL, TOBY, OLD PAL, OLD SPORT,

ISN'T THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT THAT'S SO BIG

AND SO TERRIFIC AND SO IMPORTANT

THAT YOU'D... WELL, YOU'D PRACTICALLY SELL YOUR SOUL FOR?

HMM.

WELL, THERE IS ONE THING.

WHAT? TO HAVE YOU FOR MY FATHER.

WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR OWN FATHER?

DEAD.

OH.

SAY, IF YOU WERE MY FATHER,

I CAN GO TO THE CARNIVAL FOR FREE

ANY TIME I WANT ANYWAYS.

'CAUSE YOU'D BRING ME.

IT'S ONLY A COUPLE BLOCKS FROM THE HOUSE.

I LIVE RIGHT OVER HERE. COME ON.

OH. OKAY.

I MEAN, HOW DO YOU KNOW

YOUR MOTHER WOULD WANT TO MARRY ME?

SHE WILL.

WHY WOULDN'T SHE?

[chatter]

ARE THOSE ALL YOUR LITTLE BROTHERS AND SISTERS

AND THINGS?

(Toby) NAH, THEY'RE PART OF MOM'S DAYCARE CENTER,

WHICH YOU'D BE HELPING HER WITH.

AH.

OH, AND THAT'S MOM OVER THERE.

SHE'S A NEAT LADY MOST OF THE TIME.

THERE.

OKAY.

HI, MOM.

TOBY.

MR. MAX DEVLIN.

PENNY HART. TADA.

HOW COME YOU'RE SO LATE AND YOU'RE SO DIRTY?

AND I ASKED YOU NOT TO WASTE YOUR MONEY

IN THAT PLACE AGAIN.

UNCLE MAX PAID.

UNCLE MAX.

HE'S OKAY. I FOUND OUT ALL ABOUT HIM.

HE'S IN REAL ESTATE, 38 YEARS OLD,

NOT MARRIED, AND LOVES LITTLE KIDS.

OH, I'LL BET.

LISTEN, TOBY, I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED AGAIN

FOR A GOOD LONG TIME.

IF EVER.

SO STOP MATCHMAKING.

ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOU'RE GONNA DRAG HOME A MURDERER.

THIS IS PROBABLY THE DAY.

OH, MOM, HE'S NICE.

LOOK AT HIM.

(Max) THE NAME OF THIS GAME

IS NAMES.

I'M MAX.

I'M TREMAINE.

(Max) GOOD.

I'M SEAN.

SEAN.

I'M CHRISTIANA.

OH. CHRISTIANA.

(Jerry) STELLA.

YEAH? LET'S TRY IT AGAIN, OKAY?

OKAY, YEAH. I'LL DO GOOD THIS TIME.

ROLL MUSIC.

ROLL PLAYBACK.

TAKE 41.

♪

[softly] ♪ OH, IT'S SO HARD

♪ JUST SAYING WHAT I NEED ♪

♪ WHEN... [coughs]

I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T. I'M SORRY.

I'M BLOWING IT. TAKE FIVE, STELLA.

WE'LL COME BACK TO IT IN A MINUTE.

CUT IT.

I'M KATIE.

HOW DO YOU DO?

I'M MOE. MOE.

I'M... I'M MARIE.

OH MY GOODNESS.

JULATA. JOY.

STELLA!

(kids) STELLA?

[laughter]

[phone rings]

(kid) YOU'VE GOT TO USE YOUR HAND...

TOBY, WATCH THAT MAN.

I DON'T WANT HIM LEFT ALONE WITH THOSE KIDS FOR TWO SECONDS.

HE LOOKS THOROUGHLY UNRELIABLE.

HELLO?

OH, OH, I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW. I'M REALLY BUSY.

(all) MAX? MAX?

COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE.

MAX!

(Penny) OKAY, GOOD. THANKS.

BUH-BYE.

MOM. I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE HIM ALONE WITH THEM.

I DIDN'T.

HE LEFT THEM ALONE.

JUST WHAT I THOUGHT. THOROUGHLY UNRELIABLE.

(kids) MAX!

MAX?

(kids) MAX! MAX!

♪

♪ OH, IT'S SO HARD

[coughs]

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T.

YES, YOU CAN. (Jerry) STOP THE MUSIC.

WHERE'D HE COME FROM?

I DON'T KNOW.

LISTEN, MAX, WE'VE DONE IT

42 TIMES ALREADY.

YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T DO IT 42 TIMES WITH ME HERE, OKAY.

STELLA. YEAH?

LET'S GIVE 'EM A PERFECT TAKE, OKAY?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY, GUYS, START THE MUSIC.

START THE MUSIC.

ROLL PLAYBACK.

TAKE 43.

♪

♪ OH, IT'S SO HARD

♪ SAYING WHAT I NEED

♪ WHEN I KNOW THAT IT MEANS ♪

♪ THERE'S NO YOU

♪

♪ I'VE NEVER LOVED

♪ AND BEEN SO SURE OF IT

♪ NOW I GUESS WE BOTH HAVE TO CHOOSE ♪

WHAT HAPPENED?

♪

♪ OH, YOU SAY FRIENDS, AND I SAY THAT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪

♪ GIVE IT UP

♪ OH, I SAY LOVE IS, BUT IT IS JUST TOO MUCH ♪

♪ FOR YOU TO TOUCH

♪ OH-OHH

♪ I SHOULD SAY GOOD-BYE

♪ ANY FOOL COULD SEE

♪ YOU SAY FRIENDS

♪ AND I SAY IT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪

PROMISED TO SIGN EVERY ALBUM

YOU BUY HERE TODAY.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.

STELLA, LOOK.

NUMBER 28.

IT'S CLIMBING.

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

HELLO?

HELLO, TOBY.

THIS IS YOUR UNCLE MAX.

(Toby) OH, HI.

CAN I TALK TO YOUR MOTHER, PLEASE?

UH, JUST A SEC, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S FOR YOU, MOM.

IT'S UNCLE MAX.

UNCLE MAX?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

TELL HIM THAT I'M... TELL HIM THAT I'M NOT HERE.

SHE SAYS TO SAY SHE'S NOT HERE.

HUH... WELL, YOU TELL HER IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.

I HAVE TO TALK TO HER.

HE SAYS TO SAY HE'S SOMEONE ELSE.

EXCUSE ME, GUYS.

HELLO. UNCLE MAX?

UH, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE

OR WHAT YOU WANT,

BUT I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME AND MY SON ALONE, PLEASE.

(Max) MRS. HART, DON'T HANG UP ON ME, PLEASE,

UNTIL YOU HEAR ME OUT, OKAY?

YOU MAY THINK THIS SOUNDS INSANE,

BUT I'VE FALLEN DEEPLY IN LOVE...

[static]

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?

YOU ARE THE ONLY 11-YEAR-OLD PROCURER IN THE BUSINESS.

WHAT'S A...?

FORGET IT.

[upbeat music]

♪

GREAT PARTY, JERRY.

GREAT.

MY SOURCES TELL ME THAT THE RECORD DEAL

STELLA'S MANAGER NEGOTIATED FOR HER

IS WELL UP THERE IN THE SIX FIGURES,

WHICH MAKES STELLA A VERY LUCKY LITTLE GIRL.

♪

AND WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE SIX-FIGURE DEAL

IS LUCKY LITTLE MAXY GOING TO GET?

SO, UH, WHERE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND, HEIDI?

PARENTS WOULDN'T LET HER COME.

THEY'RE SUCH A PAIN.

WELL, YOUR PARENTS ARE OKAY, AREN'T THEY?

THEY'RE ALIVE. SURE.

IN TOPANGA CANYON, THOUGH, IT'S DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW.

THE PARENTS DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GO

OR WHO YOU GO WITH OR WHAT KIND OF MUSIC YOU PLAY.

YOU KNOW. I MEAN, MAXY, I AM REALLY LUCKY.

I MEAN, THERE ARE SOME PARENTS, THEY ARE SO STRICT.

THEY DON'T ALLOW ANYTHING BUT CLASSICAL AROUND THE HOUSE.

AND THEY DON'T EVEN OWN A TV.

HAVING A SWELL TIME, AREN'T WE?

YEAH, THIS IS GREAT. I HOPE THIS LASTS FOREVER.

I BET YOU'D BE WILLING TO SELL YOUR SOUL FOR THAT.

HA! IF I HAD A SOUL TO SELL.

WOULD YOU CARE TO PUT THAT ON PAPER?

'CAUSE I'M THE GUY WHO CAN ARRANGE IT.

REMEMBER ME. MIRACLE MAX.

(Stella) RIGHT NOW, I'D SELL MY SOUL FOR A CHEESEBURGER.

WELL, THAT TOO CAN BE ARRANGED.

JUST PUT YOUR LITTLE JOHN HANCOCK RIGHT THERE

AND WE'LL FILL THE DETAILS IN LATER.

MAX, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY OFF THE WALL TONIGHT.

HERE, HOLD THIS.

I WANT TO TALK TO JERRY.

OH, EAT FIRST AND CORRUPT LATER.

THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.

HOW MUCH LATER ARE YOU PLANNING TO WAIT?

IT'S ALREADY APRIL 10TH.

WELL, LOOK AT HER.

SHE'S AS GOOD AS IN THE BAG.

AS GOOD AS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

NOW WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS?

OH, DON'T WORRY.

I'M WORKING ON IT.

[chatter]

(male announcer) NAKAGUCHI'S BEEN RUNNING VERY WELL HERE.

CERTAINLY COMPETITIVE HERE ON THE CROSS

OF A WARM AFTERNOON.

WE HAVE A LITTLE BOY WITH A RED SHIRT AND GREEN PANTS.

HE'S HERE IN THE ANNOUNCER STAND.

HIS PARENTS ARE LOST.

A LITTLE BOY WITH A RED SHIRT...

WHAT CATEGORY?

EXPERT.

I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT.

I'M SURE.

(announcer) IF YOU'RE IN THE FIRST RACE, YOU SHOULD BE AT THE STARTING LINE.

GET YOUR BIKES TO THE STARTING LINE, PLEASE.

HEY, MAN.

HEY, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET EXCITED NOW.

I'M NOT EXCITED.

OH, OH, MY GOD. DON'T TURN AROUND.

THERE ARE TWO NAKAGUCHI SCOUTS SITTING

RIGHT THERE IN THE BLEACHERS.

WELL SHUT MY MOUTH.

DON'T TURN AROUND.

LOOK, I KNOW WHY THEY'RE HERE TOO.

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR FACTORY RIDERS,

AND IF YOU GO OUT THERE AND WIN,

THEY'RE GONNA MAKE YOU ONE, I JUST KNOW IT.

HONEY, THEY WILL. THEY WILL.

I WANT YOU TO GO OUT AND DO YOUR BEST, BILLY, OKAY?

LAVERNE, HONEY, DON'T I ALWAYS?

YEAH.

(announcer) NOW IF YOU ARE AT THE FIRST MOTO...

HOW ABOUT A FEW LAST MINUTE POINTERS?

WHAT FOR? YOU'VE BEEN OVER THIS TRACK

A MILLION TIMES IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS.

YEAH, BUT NEVER IN A RACE.

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

YOU START, YOU RIDE LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL,

AND YOU WIN.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE OF OUR BATS?

UH, SCRATCH THAT.

YOU START, AND YOU WIN.

OKAY, I'LL BE WAITING OVER THERE.

(announcer) ...STARTING LINE.

START LOOKING 'EM OVER.

30 SECONDS.

FIELD IS ON THE STARTING LINE.

THEY'RE ALL LINED UP.

ABOUT TO START.

STARTER HAS HIS HAND IN THE AIR.

AND THERE THEY GO!

[cheers]

[announcer commentary]

...GOOD START GOING INTO THE FIRST TURN.

AND OVER THE HILL, NUMBER 19

MAKING A BIG MOVE.

TYPICAL RIDE THERE BY RALPH HANSON.

AND BIG BILLY HUNNIKER.

AND NUMBER ONE AND 19,

THEY ARE GOING HANDLEBAR TO HANDLEBAR.

WHAT A RACE.

AND 19 HAS TAKEN THE LEAD.

HUNNIKER IS RUNNING SECOND.

BIG BILLY WITH NUMBER ONE,

WAS A NATIONAL CHAMPION ON HIS PLATE.

HE'S HAVING PROBLEMS CATCHING THE NEWCOMER.

THERE'S A MEDAL BACK THERE.

GOD, THAT NUMBER 19. HE'S OUT OF SIGHT.

NO, HE ISN'T. HE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

(announcer) HERE THEY COME.

WHO IS HE ANYWAY?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT BIG BILLY'S GONNA TAKE HIM IN THE FINAL.

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S GONNA?

'CAUSE HE HAPPENS TO BE

THE BEST AMATEUR RIDER IN THE COUNTRY, DUMMY.

(announcer) HERE THEY COME AROUND. 19'S STILL IN THE LEAD.

COMING DOWN TOWARDS THE CHECKERED FLAG.

AND NUMBER 19 WINS IT.

NERD. NERD WON IT.

(announcer) NUMBER 19. NORDLINGER.

[exclamations]

WOW, YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

HEY, DOES EVERYBODY HERE KNOW MY GOOD BUDDY,

BIG BILLY HUNNIKER?

AND MRS. BIG BILLY HUNNIKER.

WELL, THEY DO NOW.

NICE FORM, BOY. WOW.

YOU WERE GREAT.

BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME HOW YOU DONE IT, THOUGH.

YEAH, COME ON, NERD. TELL US.

HOW'D YOU DO IT?

(girl) HOW DID YOU DO IT?

TELL ME. [laughs]

WELL, I-I JUST...

DON'T GO AWAY. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OKAY?

WONDERFUL.

MAX?

LISTEN, KID.

THIS IS THE FIRST OF A LOT OF WINS FOR YOU,

SO A WORD OF ADVICE.

WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU HOW YOU DID IT,

JUST SAY, "THAT'S MY LITTLE SECRET."

OKAY.

BUT HOW... HOW DID I DO IT?

THAT'S MY LITTLE SECRET.

JUST DON'T EVER DO IT WITHOUT ME.

HI.

IT'S ONLY DEAR OLD DADS.

YOU WISH.

WELL, IT'S NOT MY WISH.

IT'S YOUR WISH.

BUT SINCE YOUR VERY WISH IS MY COMMAND,

I'M GONNA GIVE IT ONE MORE TRY.

TOBY, YOU THINK YOUR MOTHER'S GONNA BE HOME TONIGHT,

BY ANY CHANCE?

YEAH, BUT NOT TO YOU, I BET.

WHY? WELL, IT'S VERY DISCOURAGING.

NOW SHE'LL PROBABLY END UP MARRYING BORING LARRY BINDER.

WHAT'S A BORING LARRY BINDER?

UM, MY MOM'S TENNIS TEACHER.

YOU MEAN I'M NOT THE ONLY CONTENDER?

GEE, IF IT'S JUST ANY OLD FATHER YOU'D SELL YOUR SOUL FOR...

WELL, IT ISN'T.

YOUR MY FIRST CHOICE.

THAT'S A RELIEF.

TOBY, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD KEEP YOUR MOTHER

REALLY BUSY FOR THE REST OF THE DAY?

WHY?

JUST TRUST ME, OKAY?

OKAY? OKAY. OKAY.

(Toby) WEIRD ABOUT TWO THINGS.

THE WAY THEY COME AND GO.

(Penny) OH, IT'S WEIRD, ALL RIGHT.

THREE HOURS AND $25 LATER.

SORRY.

IT JUST SUDDENLY GOT BETTER AGAIN.

I'M SORRY. YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG HOUSE.

I DIDN'T AUTHORIZE ANY OF THIS.

PENNY HART, 1723 TOBIAS STREET?

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WELL, I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING REALLY NICE

SO YOU WOULDN'T THINK I WAS SUCH A TERRIBLE GUY.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS TROUBLE.

I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS.

OH, PLEASE. THE KIDS'LL REALLY ENJOY THE EQUIPMENT.

AND IT'S GONNA MAKE ME FEEL VERY WARM INSIDE.

(Toby) LOOK, MOM,

GRASS, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO SIT IN THE DIRT ANYMORE.

I'M REALLY VERY TOUCHED.

OF COURSE, I'VE COMPLETELY DEPLETED MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT,

BUT TOBY AND TREMAINE AND CONSUELA ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

AND OH, WHAT THE HECK.

SO BETWEEN MANAGING THE NORDLINGER BOY AND STELLA,

I'M PERPETUALLY ON THE RUN, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE.

I DON'T HAVE TO IMAGINE.

I CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT YOU.

DON'T YOU EVER LOOK IN THE MIRROR WHEN YOU SHAVE?

NOT IF I CAN HELP IT.

TAKE TONIGHT.

TONIGHT'S A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

STAND FREE. WHO NEEDS IT?

BELIEVE ME, PENNY.

MY LIFE ISN'T MY OWN.

AND ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE

IS MY REAL ESTATE RESPONSIBILITIES,

WHICH ARE CONSIDERABLE.

SOME LANDLORDS WILL ALLOW A PLACE TO GO TO HELL

IN A TRASH CAN, BUT NOT ME.

CONSTANT REPAIRS, CONSTANT MAINTENANCE,

CONSTANT OUTLAYS OF TIME AND MONEY.

I'LL BET.

AND THEN THERE'S THE LITTLE OLD LADIES

WHO INSIST ON KEEPING THEIR PETS

AND THE YOUNG, MARRIED COUPLES

WHO INSIST ON KEEPING THEIR KIDS.

NOT THAT I'VE GOT ANYTHING AGAINST KIDS.

BUT SOME LANDLORDS FEEL IT'S ROUGH ENOUGH

TAKING CARE OF A PLACE THESE DAYS

WITHOUT THEM THUMPING AND BUMPING AROUND,

AND PLAYING HANDBALL ON YOUR WALLS AT ALL HOURS,

AND PUTTING THEIR MANGY LITTLE HANDS ON YOUR FRESH PAINT.

PLUS, THE WHINING AND THE WAILING ALL NIGHT.

AND AT THE CRACK OF DAWN IN THE MORNING

BEFORE YOU'VE HAD YOUR COFFEE,

THEY'LL RING YOUR BELL WITH THE MOST INSIPID, STUPID QUESTIONS

THAT YOU NEVER HAVE AN ANSWER TO.

IT COULD DRIVE YOU NUTS.

IS THAT HOW YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT KIDS?

WELL, SOMETIMES.

ME TOO.

SOMETIMES.

[romantic music]

♪

[rock music]

♪

[chatter]

EVERYBODY IN THE GRANITE LOUNGE AT 10:45 AM SHARP,

AND THAT MEANS SHARP.

WE'VE GOT A HEAVY BODY COUNT.

AND, STELLA, I STILL DON'T KNOW

IF THE NUMBER ONE GROUPIE IS COMING OR NOT.

HER PARENTS WON'T LET HER.

WHAT DO YOU NEED HER FOR?

COMPANIONSHIP.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SWEETHEART.

I'LL FIND SOMEBODY FOR YOU. KEEP YOU COMPANY.

SOMEBODY YOU CAN RAP WITH. DIG?

WAIT A SECOND. MAX IS COMING, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

(Jerry) AHA. SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.

GREG WEEMS, I WANT YOU TO MEET MAX DEVLIN.

THE SVENGALI MANAGER.

NOW HIM YOU GOTTA TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF

BECAUSE THIS DIPPY CHICK DOESN'T SING A NOTE

UNLESS HE'S PRACTICALLY IN HER POCKET.

HEY-HEY, RIGHT ON, EH?

(man) STELLA, YOU'RE ON.

COME HERE.

LISTEN TO ME, CAREFULLY. YEAH.

I'M GOING OUT FRONT TO WATCH YOU FROM THERE.

WITH THAT CROWD, TIMING IS EVERYTHING.

SO DON'T START TO SING

UNTIL I GIVE YOU THE CUE FROM THE AUDIENCE.

IS THAT CLEAR?

OKAY. IT'S CLEAR.

[audience cheers]

GREAT.

WISH ME LUCK.

[music starts]

♪

(male announcer) OKAY, HERE'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STELLA SUMMERS.

[cheers and applause]

(audience) COME ON, STELLA!

[clamoring from audience]

OKAY, STELLA!

KNOCK 'EM IN THE AISLES!

[cheers and applause]

♪ OH, IT'S SO HARD

♪ SAYING WHAT I NEED

♪ WHEN I KNOW THAT IT MEANS ♪

♪ THERE'S NO YOU

♪

♪ I'VE NEVER LOVED

♪ AND BEEN SO SURE OF IT

♪ NOW I KNOW WE BOTH HAVE TO CHOOSE ♪

♪ OH, YOU SAY FRIENDS, AND I SAY THAT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪

♪ GIVE IT UP

♪ OH, I SAY LOVE IS, BUT IT IS JUST TOO MUCH ♪

♪ FOR YOU TO TOUCH

♪ OH-OHH

BYE. BYE.

MAX.

THANK YOU.

[catcalls]

WHAT'S WRONG, PAL? NO GOOD WITHOUT YOUR COACH, HUH?

CAN'T START IT. WANT SOME HELP?

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? HUH, BUD?

COME ON. KICK IT OVER, PAL.

START IT UP. COME ON. GET IT STARTED.

WELL.

[laughter]

(girl) COME ON!

WE GOTTA TAKE YOU.

[girls scream]

[screams]

[melancholy music]

♪

♪ OH, YOU SAY FRIENDS, AND I SAY THAT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪

♪ GIVE IT UP

♪ OH, I SAY LOVE IS BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH ♪

(Barney) MAX!

MAX!

♪ FOR YOU TO TOUCH

♪ OH-OHH

HEY, YOU, GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT ROPE.

♪ ANY FOOL COULD SEE

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

I-I WAS JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.

SAVE MY LIFE?

WHAT, BY KILLING ME?

YOU'RE CRAZY.

OH, NOW I'M SORRY, JERRY, REALLY.

JUST DON'T... DON'T TOUCH ME.

YOU, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

GOSH, JERRY, I'M ALL WOUND UP. I'M SORRY.

TENSE.

I GOTTA GO AND RELAX IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

BARNEY, BARNEY, YOU SON OF A... WHERE ARE YOU?

THERE YOU ARE, YOU OBNOXIOUS...

OH, I'M... OH, SORRY.

HEY, HEY, IT'S OKAY.

WE'RE ALL SHOW BUSINESS HERE, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[applause]

YOU HARBORING SOME KIND OF DEATH WISH, MAX?

NO, BUT YOU ARE.

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE DEAD, MAN,

OR SO HELP ME,

YOU WOULD BE.

YOU'RE GETTING ANGRY, MAX.

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I AM.

DON'T YOU EVER, EVER TRY A STUNT LIKE THAT ON ME AGAIN.

JUST TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION.

WELL, NEXT TIME, TRY TAPPING ME ON THE SHOULDER.

WHAT ABOUT MY CONTRACTS?

SO THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

YES. MY ASSOCIATES ARE GETTING A LITTLE ITCHY.

I DON'T CARE.

I GOT UNTIL MIDNIGHT, MAY 15TH.

THAT'S OUR DEAL.

I'M TELLING YOU, I'M TRYING TO GET THESE PEOPLE

SO HOOKED ON ME, THEY'LL SIGN ANYTHING.

THAT TAKES TIME.

NOW IF I GO TOO FAST, I'M LIABLE TO BLOW THE WHOLE DEAL.

I LIKE YOUR STYLE, MAX.

YOU'RE A DEVIOUS FELLOW.

[flushing sound]

[knock at door]

WHO'S THAT?

OH, HI, MAXY. COME IN.

WHAT'S THAT? LET ME SEE.

"GENTLEMEN, I HEREBY ENGAGE YOU TO BE

"MY SOLE PERSONAL MANAGER FOR AN INDEFINITE PERIOD..."

AND STUFF AND STUFF...

HEY, WHAT IS THIS?

WELL, NOW THAT YOU'RE SUCH A BIG HIT,

I THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

FOR US TO ENTER INTO A BUSINESS-LIKE ARRANGEMENT.

THAT'S ALL.

WELL, WE HAVE A BUSINESS-LIKE ARRANGEMENT.

I MEAN, YOU GET 20% OF EVERYTHING I MAKE.

ISN'T THAT BUSINESS-LIKE?

BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING OFFICIALLY ON PAPER.

EH, IT DOESN'T MATTER. YOU GET THE BREAD ANYHOW.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

STELLA, SUPPOSE I DECIDED NOT TO SHOW UP SOME TIME

AND WITHOUT MY MIRACLE, YOU COULDN'T SING.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

THEN YOU GET 20% OF NOTHING.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU DO A DUMB THING LIKE THAT?

(Toby) LISTEN, HOW'D YOU FIND US?

THERE MUST BE A HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE HERE.

(Max) WELL, I TOLD YOU THIS MORNING.

INTUITION.

YEAH, WELL, I WISH YOUR INTUITION TOLD YOU

TO BRING YOUR SWIMMING TRUNKS.

WE COULDA GONE IN.

WELL, I'M STILL GLAD YOU CAME ANYWAYS.

I MISSED YA.

WELL, IT'S THE FIRST DAY OFF

WE'VE HAD IN QUITE SOME TIME.

YEAH, WELL, MY MOM MISSED YOU TOO.

YEAH?

SO YOU STILL WANT ME TO BE YOUR DAD, HUH?

YEAH. DON'T YOU WANNA BE?

WELL, OF COURSE I DO, TOBY, YOU KNOW THAT.

BUT A GUY LIKE ME'S GOTTA THINK PRETTY CAREFULLY

BEFORE HE GIVES UP HIS FREEDOM

AND TAKES ON THE RESPONSIBILITY OF A FAMILY.

SO ON AND SO FORTH.

I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RE GONNA GET ME FOR A FATHER,

BUT WHAT AM I GONNA GET FROM YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

UM, SOME BASEBALL CARDS, A CASSETTE DECK...

IT DOESN'T WORK TOO GOOD, BUT...

NEVER MIND, KEEP GOING.

I THINK WE CAN COME TO AN AGREEMENT HERE.

OKAY, LET ME THINK.

UH, I GOT A GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS.

WOW, THAT'S GREAT.

UM, LET ME SEE, A ROCK COLLECTION...

I ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THOSE.

UM, A REAL PAIR OF HANDCUFFS WITH THE KEY...

OH, A KEY.

UM, LET ME THINK, I GOT SOME MORE STUFF.

YEAH. A RUBBER-COATED HARD BALL...

OH, WOW. UM, ONE MORE. WAIT.

OH, YEAH, AND TWO PACKS OF RED HOTS.

YOU KNOW, THOSE ARE THOSE LITTLE CINNAMON CANDIES.

OH, YUMMY, YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S ENOUGH, ENOUGH.

OKAY, NOW LISTEN, HOW DOES THIS SOUND?

"I, THE UNDERSIGNED..."

THAT'S YOU.

"AGREE TO SURRENDER MY CARD COLLECTION,

"MY CASSETTE DECK, MY SOUL,

"MY GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS,

"TWO PACKAGES OF RED HOTS,

IN RETURN FOR WHICH..."

I'LL MARRY YOUR MOM,

AND I'LL BE YOUR DAD, OKAY?

HERE, NOW SIGN HERE. RIGHT THERE.

TRICKY.

THANKS.

YOU DIDN'T PUT YOUR PART YET.

NO FLIES ON HIM EITHER.

"MARRY MOM..."

NOW WILL YOU SIGN?

SURE. AS SOON AS YOU MARRY MY MOTHER.

HE HAS POTENTIAL.

SIX WEEKS AGO, YOU WERE NOWHERE ON THIS PLANET.

AND NOW LOOK AT YOU.

KING OF THE CASTLE AMONG YOUR PEERS

AND PEERLESS AMONG YOUR COMPETITORS.

THANKS TO ME.

THANKS TO YOU IS RIGHT, MAX.

NO, NO, DON'T GET ME WRONG NOW.

I'M NOT LOOKING FOR YOUR THANKS.

THANKS AREN'T IMPORTANT. IT'S YOUR LOYALTY.

YOUR LOYALTY IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

YOU HAVE THAT.

YEAH, WELL, YOU SAY THAT NOW,

BUT YOU'LL FORGIVE A TOUCH OF THE CYNIC.

I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN TIME AND AGAIN.

AN OLDER GUY LIKE ME GIVES HIS ALL

TO A YOUNG PUNK LIKE YOU.

GOOD FAITH ON BOTH SIDES, YOU UNDERSTAND.

AND WHEN THE KID MAKES IT TO THE TOP,

WELL, BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING LEGALLY BINDING

BETWEEN 'EM...

MAX, YOU GOT SOMETHING FOR ME TO SIGN,

I'LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO SIGN IT.

NOW, MAX, NOW.

GET LOST.

HMM?

I WAS JUST SAYING HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO GET LOST

IN A BIG CROWD LIKE THIS.

HERE. IT'S A STANDARD TRAINER-RIDER AGREEMENT.

SIGN RIGHT HERE.

[engines rev]

MAX, SOLE IS SPELLED S-O-L-E, NOT S-O-U-L.

WELL, MAX, YOU JUST BLEW IT AGAIN.

[splashing and shouts]

(child) OKAY, HOLD ONTO THIS!

[laughter and shrieks]

IS THAT HOW YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT CHILDREN?

AH, WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES.

YEAH, I KNOW. SOMETIMES.

HOLD ON.

MAX, EVERYBODY'S HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME.

YEAH, WELL, THAT MAKES ME FEEL REALLY HAPPY.

YOU COULD STAY AS LONG AS YOU WANT TO.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

THEY EXTENDED THE CONCERT TOUR FOR ANOTHER DAY

SO I GOTTA LEAVE NOW.

BUT TOBY WILL BE CRUSHED.

AND WHAT ABOUT DINNER?

I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT UP WITH YOU.

SINCE I'M SUCH A GOOD KISSER.

THAT SO, HUH?

[splashing]

WHERE IS HE GOING?

BAD NEWS. HE HAS TO LEAVE.

BUT... BUT NOW?

HE PROMISED TO TAKE ME TO THE CARNIVAL

RIGHT AFTER SWIMMING.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

HE PROMISED!

NOW YOU SEE HIM, NOW YOU DON'T.

WHAT GOOD OF A PERSON IS THAT?

[door opens]

[footsteps]

THAT'S THAT.

19 CITIES IN 21 DAYS AND A KNOCKOUT EVERY TIME.

YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

"EVERY NIGHT I MAKE LOVE TO 25,000 PEOPLE.

AND THEN I GO HOME ALONE."

JANIS JOPLIN, 1970.

STELLA SUMMERS,

1981.

HEY, MAXY, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

LEND ME A DIME?

AND I'M GONNA BE ALONE, OKAY?

OPERATOR?

THIS IS COLLECT TO ANYBODY WHO'LL ANSWER.

I'M STEPHANIE PEPPER.

(recording) THE NUMBER YOU HAVE REACHED

IS NOT IN SERVICE AT THIS TIME.

AH, WHERE ARE YOU?

(recording) PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU HAVE DIALED CORRECTLY.

THIS IS A RECORDING.

[coin clatters]

[crying]

(Max) STEPHANIE PEPPER?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

HOMESICK FOR TOPANGA CANYON?

[sniffling] NO.

BOROUGH PARK, BROOKLYN.

[laughs]

NICE MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY IN NEW YORK.

AND NOTHING BUT CLASSICAL MUSIC AT HOME

AND NO TV.

[sniffling] RIGHT.

PLUS, EVERY TIME I SAID I WANNA BECOME A STAR,

THEY'D SAY THAT'S NO KIND OF LIFE FOR ANYBODY TO LEAD.

MY PARENTS ARE SO SQUARE.

THEY WERE RIGHT ABOUT THAT, YOU KNOW.

I-I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS THEY DIDN'T WANT TO SEE ME GET HURT.

YEAH.

I MEAN, THEY PROBABLY DIDN'T THINK

I WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE IT, YOU KNOW.

BUT I ALWAYS HAD THIS FUNNY FEELING...

THAT I WAS.

THAT I COULD.

AND I DID.

NOT WITHOUT ME.

I KNOW, MAXY, I KNOW.

AND I'M REALLY GRATEFUL TO YOU, I AM.

NOW'S THE TIME, MAX.

I'M NOT SO SURE I DID YOU ANY FAVORS.

[chatter]

LOOK, UNCLE MAX!

(children) UNCLE MAX!

HI! HI.

LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO SEE TOBY. HI, CHILDREN.

(children) NO!

(Max) OH, YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY.

GO AND PLAY RHYTHM, RHYTHM.

OR PLAY HIDE AND SEEK, AND WOLF WILL BE IT.

COME ON.

OKAY, MARIE.

I GOT HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

YEAH? WHAT FOR?

WELL, I'M READY TO PROPOSE TO YOUR MOTHER.

WHERE IS SHE?

INSIDE, BUT DON'T BOTHER.

THE DEAL'S OFF.

COME HERE.

LOOK, YOU CAN KEEP THE ROCK COLLECTION

AND THE HANDCUFFS.

AND FORGET ABOUT THE RED HOTS.

I NEVER REALLY CARED FOR THEM ANYWAY.

THAT PART OF THE DEAL ISN'T WHAT BOTHERS ME.

WELL, WHAT PART DOES?

THE YOU PART. I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE BINDER.

YOU'RE NOT SO RELIABLE.

WELL, YOU'RE A FINE ONE TO TALK, TOBY.

IF YOU DON'T WANT ME FOR A FATHER,

THEN HOW AM I GONNA MARRY YOUR MOTHER?

WHICH IS SOMETHING I REALLY WANT TO DO.

VERY SIMPLE.

JUST ASK ME.

I THINK IT'S MY DECISION, NOT HIS, ISN'T IT?

DON'T YOU WANT A FATHER

WHO'S GONNA MAKE YOUR MOTHER VERY HAPPY?

BINDER'S BETTER.

YOU CAN COUNT ON HIM.

TOBY, BINDER IS BORING.

BINDER TOOK ME TO THE CARNIVAL SUNDAY.

YEAH, AND HOW WAS IT?

BORING.

TOBY, WHEN YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE MARRIED,

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO COUNT ON ME TOO.

I PROMISE.

OKAY, BUT SINCE YOU DON'T LIKE THE RED HOTS,

WELL, I GUESS I'LL KEEP 'EM ANYWAY.

THAT'S FAIR.

MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE GRAMMYS.

BE MY GUEST.

GOODY FOR ME.

GOODY FOR YOU TOO.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT.

WHEN'S THE HAPPY DAY?

SATURDAY.

SANDWICHED IN BETWEEN THE FIRST AND SECOND MOTOS.

AND AFTER THAT, STELLA'S CONCERT

AT THE MUSIC CENTER.

WELL, IT'S GONNA BE VERY BUSY.

THE 15TH?

YOU'RE CUTTING IT A LITTLE CLOSE, AREN'T YOU?

I HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

IT WAS HER DECISION.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU'LL HAVE SAVED YOURSELF.

YEAH.

YOU DON'T LOOK TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT.

NOBODY SAID I HAD TO ENJOY IT.

BEATS LEVEL FOUR.

BUT YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE.

THANK YOU.

[chatter and whoops]

JERRY!

GET ME AWAY FROM THEM! GET ME AWAY FROM THEM!

I WANT THEM AWAY FROM ME!

[screaming indistinctly]

AND THE WINNER IS...

ANY FOOL COULD SEE, STELLA SUMMERS.

[applause]

[orchestral music]

♪

THANK YOU.

WINNING THIS GRAMMY IS A GREAT HONOR.

AND TO THOSE WHO ARE NOT UP HERE WITH ME NOW

TO SHARE IT WITH ME,

MAX DEVLIN, MY MANAGER,

JERRY NADLER OF BLIZZARD,

I HAVE ONLY THIS TO SAY.

IT WAS A LONG, HARD PULL, MAN.

AND I'VE GOT NOBODY TO THANK BUT MYSELF.

[disapproving whispers]

[reluctant applause]

[orchestral music]

♪

MY GOD, SHE'S A MONSTER.

SHE'S FABULOUS, SWEETHEART.

IT'S JUST THE WAY WE LIKE 'EM.

ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO.

[triumphant festive music]

♪

COME ON. FAST, FAST.

THIS IS A SPECIALTY PRECAUTION INDEMNIFICATION THING

IN CASE OF AN ACCIDENT, DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH...

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, DECLARE THAT MY TRAINER,

MAX DEVLIN, DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH...

WILL TAKE SOLE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME.

UH, HERE, NOW YOU SIGN IT.

ISN'T IT A LITTLE LATE IN THE GAME FOR THIS, MAX?

WELL, BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.

COME ON. SIGN IT.

[snorts]

MAX, YOUR SPELLING IS ATROCIOUS.

I TOLD YOU, "SOLE" IS S-O-L-E.

SIGN IT NOW. I'LL CORRECT IT LATER.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

(announcer) LADDERS COMING INTO THE POSITIONS NOW

FOR THE FEATURE EVENT OF THE AFTERNOON.

FANS WAITING TO SEE IF NERVE NORDLINGER CAN KEEP

HIS STREAK INTACT.

MOST OF THE FANS ARE HERE TO WATCH THE REMATCH

BETWEEN NORDLINGER AND HUNNIKER.

AND THERE THEY GO. THEY'RE OFF.

FEATURE RACE OF THE AFTERNOON.

AND IMMEDIATELY, NUMBER ONE, BIG BILLY HUNNIKER,

ALONG WITH NERVE NORDLINGER,

AND NUMBER NINE TRACY ALSO IN THERE.

A THREE-WAY RACE FOR THE LEAD.

JUST MAKE IT FAST AND SAFE.

WHY BOTHER WITH SAFE?

YOU ALREADY HAVE HIM DOWN ON PAPER.

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM TO KILL HIMSELF.

(announcer) AND THEY'RE COMING DOWN THAT HILL IN GOOD SHAPE.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY THERE HAD A PRIMARY CHAIN LOCK UP ON HIM.

HERE COMES HUNNIKER ON THE INSIDE.

OH, IT'S HUNNIKER.

[cheers]

TWO DOWN AND ONE TO GO.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GONNA BE LIKE THAT.

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

I DON'T KNOW. I WASN'T THINKING.

[classical music]

♪

[Wagner's Bridal Chorus]

♪

(priest) BELOVED FAMILY AND FRIENDS,

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN

IN THE BONDS OF HOLY MATRIMONY.

IF THERE'S ANYONE PRESENT WHO CAN SHOW JUST CAUSE

WHY THEY SHOULD NOT BE JOINED, LET HIM SPEAK NOW

OR FOREVER AFTER HOLD HIS PEACE.

WHAT A... WHO INVITED YOU?

I'M THE MAID OF HONOR.

(priest) DO YOU, MAXWELL DEVLIN, TAKE PENELOPE HART

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY-WEDDED WIFE,

TO LOVE, TO HONOR, AND TO CHERISH

TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

I DO.

DO YOU, PENELOPE HART, TAKE

MAXWELL DEVLIN TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY-WEDDED HUSBAND,

TO LOVE, TO HONOR, AND TO CHERISH

TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

I DO.

BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME

BY THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE.

[Mendelssohn's Wedding March]

♪

BETH HENRIETTA!

HELLO!

♪

WELL, SON, DID YOU FORGET ABOUT YOUR AGREEMENT

WITH DEAR, OLD DAD?

BUT I GET TO KEEP THE RED HOTS, OKAY?

WELL... OKAY.

[ominous bell rings]

MOM, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND.

SURE, WHAT?

OVER HERE.

EXCUSE ME.

TOBY, WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT

THAT YOU HAD TO DRAG ME AWAY FROM EVERYBODY?

IT'S SOMETHING ABOUT MAX.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,

BUT I JUST DON'T SEEM TO LIKE HIM ANYMORE.

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.

IT'S NATURAL, OF COURSE.

NO, IT'S SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD AND BAD ABOUT MAX.

IN FACT, I HATE MAX!

SHH.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE.

NOW SHAPE UP. GO PLAY.

SOME SWELL MARRIAGE WE'RE GONNA HAVE

IF HE HATES ME.

HE'LL BE IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE WITH.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

SLIGHTEST HINT TO AGENT HARGRAVES,

AND IT'S ALL OVER.

WANNA SYNCHRONIZE YOUR WATCH?

THEY ALL SIGNED.

I'M FREE.

AREN'T I?

YES, YOU ARE.

BUT BY MIDNIGHT, THEY BELONG TO ME.

NOT UNTIL THE NATURAL END OF THEIR LIVES,

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.

POINT OF FACT... I LIED.

I NEED THEM NOW.

OH, NO, BARNEY. PLEASE.

I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT IF I'D KNOWN THAT.

HE'S A GREAT KID. THEY'RE ALL GREAT KIDS.

BUT THAT KID... KILL HIM, AND YOU KILL HER!

UNFORTUNATELY, HER SOUL DOES NOT BELONG TO ME.

YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME.

BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU HAVE

YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE.

[urgent music]

♪

OKAY, BARNEY.

I KNOW YOU'RE HERE.

LET ME SEE YOUR ROTTEN, LYING, DECEITFUL FACE NOW

WHEN I BURN YOUR CONTRACTS.

(Barney) BURN THOSE CONTRACTS,

AND ETERNAL DAMNATION IS YOURS.

YOU'LL KNOW THE UNMITIGATING PAIN AND HORROR

OF LIMBS BEING TORN FROM THEIR SOCKETS...

YOUR LIMBS, YOUR SOCKETS!

YOU'LL FEEL PAIN YOU NEVER IMAGINED IN LIFE.

YOURS. FOREVER.

FLESH YOU'LL SMELL BURNING.

YOUR FLESH ROTTING.

FOREVER.

YOU'LL NEVER GET THESE KIDS.

NEVER.

(Penny) MAX.

MAX.

MAX?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE TO GO NOW.

MAX, IT'S OUR WEDDING DAY.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO NEED ME.

I PROMISE TO COME BACK AS SOON AS I CAN.

MAX.

WELL, ANYWAYS, TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION,

BIG BILLY HUNNIKER IS NOT ONLY A SWEETHEART OF A GUY,

HE'S ALSO ONE OF THE TRULY GREAT MX RACERS OF ALL TIME.

BUT CAN HE BEAT YOU OUT IN THE SECOND MOTO HERE TODAY, NERVE?

I WOULDN'T BE A BIT SURPRISED.

ESPECIALLY IF MY TRAINER DOESN'T SHOW UP.

SO THE WINNER OF THE 1980 NATIONALS

HERE IN ANAHEIM IS BIG BILLY HUNNIKER.

AS OF YET, NO WORD FROM MEDICS AS TO THE SEVERITY

OF INJURIES SUSTAINED TO NERVE NORDLINGER.

(Nerve) MAX!

OH, MAX, WHAT'D YOU MISS!

HOW'D IT HAPPEN?

I TRIPPED. ON YOUR BIKE?

NO, I TRIPPED BEFORE THE MOTO EVEN BEGAN.

OVER... OVER HER.

SHE DIDN'T SEE ME COMING, THOUGH, I MEAN...

SHE... I TRIPPED OVER HER AND FELL.

WHO ARE YOU?

WE HAVE THEM HERE TOO, YOU KNOW.

WE?

WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE HIM AWAY NOW,

ARE YOU, YOUR HOLINESS?

OH, NO, HE'S MUCH TOO YOUNG TO DIE.

SO AM I.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME

FOR QUITTING THE RACING SCENE LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL YOU'VE DONE FOR ME.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

I WAS THINKING OF MOVING ON ANYWAY.

I'M GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN, AREN'T I?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M GONNA BE GOING A LONG WAYS AWAY.

WELL, HEY, MAYBE I CAN SEE YOU WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING.

NO WAY.

I DON'T EVER WANNA SEE YOU WHERE I'M GOING.

I MEAN... THAT EVERYBODY HAS THEIR OWN THING

TO DO IN LIFE, RIGHT?

WELL, NOW, I GOTTA GO TO PLACES

THAT ARE REALLY HORRIBLE.

PLACES THAT NICE YOUNG MAN LIKE YOURSELF

SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO SEE.

OKAY?

WELL, AM I AT LEAST GONNA SEE YOU AT THE CONCERT TONIGHT?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M GONNA BE GIVING UP ALL MY MANAGEMENT CONTRACTS,

EVEN STELLA'S.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND THEN.

OH, YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

MAXY!

AH, THANK YOU FOR MY PARENTS.

THANK YOU. OH, IT'S...

LISTEN, STELLA, YOU KNOW HOW YOU SEEM TO BE COOLING IT

ON THE PERFORMING THING AND ALL?

WELL, I THINK NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME TO QUIT.

NOW?

WITH MY PARENTS OUT FRONT, BEFORE THE CONCERT?

ABSOLUTELY. ALL THE MORE REASON. MAX.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU ALWAYS WONDERED HOW COME YOU COULD SING

WHEN I WAS OUT THERE

AND NOT OTHERWISE, AND I KEPT TELLING YOU

THAT I COULD WORK MIRACLES, AND YOU BELIEVED ME?

WELL, I LIED.

I CAN'T MAKE MIRACLES, STELLA.

AND EVEN IF I COULD BEFORE, I CAN'T ANYMORE.

YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT THERE AND DIE.

YOU'RE GONNA FALL FLAT ON YOUR FACE.

I AM NOT.

I AM NOT.

STELLA, I'M GONNA PROVE IT TO YOU.

I'M GONNA WALK AROUND THIS CORNER,

AND YOU TRY TO SING, AND YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO.

NOW I'M WALKING AROUND THE CORNER, STELLA.

MAX.

MAX!

COME ON.

JERRY AND OTHER OTHERS, THEY ALWAYS SAID TO ME,

SAID MIRACLES IS ANOTHER WORD FOR CONFIDENCE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WANT TO TAKE MY CONFIDENCE

AWAY FROM ME NOW.

YOU ALWAYS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME, MAX.

AND IF EVER THERE WAS A TIME I WANTED TO BE GOOD...

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU DO THIS TO ME.

BYE, STELLA.

HAVE A HAPPY...

MAX.

YOU KNOW, IF I'M GONNA FALL ON MY FACE, YOU CAN WATCH.

BYE, STELLA.

BYE.

MAX?

I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

OH, HI. YOU'RE BACK.

YEAH.

NOT FOR LONG, I'M AFRAID.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

UH, LOOK...

AT 12:00 I GOTTA BE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

SO I GUESS I OUGHTA TAKE OFF NOW.

BUT YOU'LL BE BACK.

YOU ALWAYS COME BACK.

NOT THIS TIME, SPORT.

WHERE I'M GOING IS TOO FAR AWAY TO COME BACK FROM.

UH, I JUST WANTED TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

YOU PROMISED.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? DON'T I RATE A GOOD-BYE?

YOU KNOW, IT REALLY STINKS.

EVERY FATHER I GET ALWAYS GOES AWAY AND NEVER COMES BACK.

ARE YOU GONNA DIE ON ME TOO?

AND WHAT ABOUT MOM?

WELL, WHAT'S SHE GONNA DO?

LOOK, TOBY, YOUR MOTHER'S A GREAT LADY...

SHE'LL GET ALONG JUST FINE WITHOUT ME.

NO, I WON'T.

TOBY.

I LOVE YOU, MAX.

HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY LOVE ME?

I'M NOT LOVABLE.

I'M NOT EVEN NICE.

I'M IRRESPONSIBLE, UNRELIABLE,

YOU'VE SAID SO YOURSELF A MILLION TIMES.

LOOK, EVEN IF WE TRY, I'LL STILL PROBABLY LEAVE YOU

WITHOUT ANY WARNING.

I'M A ROTTEN PERSON.

THE ONLY TROUBLE WITH YOU, MAX, IS YOU HAVE NO SELF IMAGE.

YOU NOTICED?

OH, MY GOD.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT IS IT, MAX? WHAT'S WRONG?

IT'S ME.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

IT'S ME IN THE MIRROR.

I-I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

I WON.

I WON.

I WON.

WON WHAT?

I BEAT THAT LOUSY, ROTTEN, SLIMY,

NO-GOOD SON OF A... BEAT WHO?

BARNEY! I BEAT BARNEY!

HE HAD MY SOUL.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MAX?

ALL RIGHT?

I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE ALL RIGHT IN MY LIFE.

HELLO.

THAT'S THE MOST AMAZING SIGHT I'VE EVER SEEN.

YOU'RE TALKING CRAZY, MAX.

DON'T... I KNOW IT'S CRAZY.

I KNOW... I KNOW... I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,

I KNOW THAT, BUT IT'S SO BASIC.

IT'S JUST SO SIMPLE.

IT'S LIKE IT'S GOOD AND BAD.

AND HEAVEN AND HELL AND GOD AND THE DEVIL.

PENNY, LOOK, ALL MY LIFE,

I MADE WRONG CHOICES.

I MADE WRONG CHOICES!

BUT THIS TIME I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE,

AND THE DEVIL LOST MY SOUL.

HE LOST ME.

I'M GONNA CALL THE DOCTOR.

NO, NO, NO, PLEASE, PLEASE, PENNY, YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME.

PLEASE, TRUST ME.

I SWEAR, I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO YOU.

BUT YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME NOW BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.

AND YOU'RE NOT LEAVING, RIGHT?

I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU.

WHERE'S TOBY?

TOBY!

TO... COME ON, WE GOTTA GO TO A CONCERT.

A CONCERT?

[music strikes up]

[cheers and applause]

♪

THANK YOU.

OF ALL THE AUDIENCES THAT I'VE EVER SUNG FOR,

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA BE THE BEST.

THANK YOU.

BUT YOU'RE ALSO GONNA BE THE LAST.

[groans]

JUST FOR A WHILE. JUST FOR A WHILE.

YOU SEE, A YEAR IS A...

A LONG TIME TO BE AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY.

AND YOUR HOME.

AND NO MATTER HOW SQUARE YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT THEY WERE,

REALLY DO GET TO MISSING THEM.

REALLY GET TO MISSING SCHOOL.

[laughter]

BUT NOW I'M GOING TO MISS ALL OF YOU.

BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M GONNA MISS A MAN

WHO...

IT'S, YOU KNOW, IT'S THAT THING THAT EVERYBODY ALWAYS SAYS.

EXCEPT I REALLY DO MEAN IT.

IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM, I WOULDN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

♪

♪ SO HERE I AM

♪ ALONE AGAIN

♪ NOT ALL LIKE I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD BE ♪

♪ YES, I LOST MY WAY

♪ SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY

♪ SOMEBODY PROMISED ME THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ SOMEBODY PROMISED ME THE MOON ♪

♪ SOMEBODY TOLD ME THERE'D BE ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ I ONLY HOPE THEY'LL GET HERE SOON ♪

♪ SEEMS I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOREVER ♪

♪ THINKING THAT LOVE WOULD COME FOR FREE ♪

♪ SOMEONE'S STILL WAITING FOR THOSE ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ I HOPE THAT SOMEONE WON'T BE ME ♪

YOU SEE, MAXY.

♪

♪ SO LET GO NOW, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN ♪

♪ IT'S OKAY TO BE LONELY NOW AND THEN ♪

♪ OPEN UP YOUR EYES

♪ YOU ARE MUCH TOO WISE

♪ IF SOMEONE PROMISES YOU SUNSHINE ♪

♪ YOU BETTER KNOW THERE'LL STILL BE RAIN ♪

♪ IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY'LL BRING YOU ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ YOU BETTER TAKE A LOOK AGAIN ♪

♪ YOU BETTER FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE, GIRL ♪

♪ BEFORE YOU RUN TO SOMEONE ELSE ♪

♪ INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR THOSE ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ YOU BETTER GIVE THEM TO YOURSELF ♪

♪ SOMEBODY PROMISED ME THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ SOMEBODY PROMISED ME THE MOON ♪

♪ SOMEBODY TOLD ME THERE'D BE ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ AND NOW I KNOW THEY'RE COMING SOON ♪

♪ AND NOW I'M READY FOR THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ AND I'M AS HAPPY AS CAN BE ♪

♪ AND ALL MY DAYS ARE FILLED WITH ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ MY LIFE BELONGS TO ME

♪ MY LIFE BELONGS TO ME ♪

[cheers and applause]

[silently] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ IF SOMEONE PROMISES YOU SUNSHINE ♪

♪ YOU BETTER KNOW THERE'LL STILL BE RAIN ♪

♪ IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY'LL BRING YOU ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ YOU BETTER TAKE A LOOK AGAIN ♪

♪ YOU BETTER FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE, GIRL ♪

♪ BEFORE YOU RUN TO SOMEONE ELSE ♪

♪ INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR THOSE ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ YOU BETTER GIVE THEM TO YOURSELF ♪

♪ OH

♪ IF SOMEONE PROMISES YOU SUNSHINE ♪

♪ YOU BETTER KNOW THERE'LL STILL BE RAIN ♪

♪ IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY'LL BRING YOU ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ YOU BETTER TAKE A LOOK AGAIN ♪

♪ YOU BETTER FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE, GIRL ♪

♪ BEFORE YOU RUN TO SOMEONE ELSE ♪

♪ INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR THOSE ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ YOU BETTER GIVE THEM TO YOURSELF ♪

♪ OH

♪ SOMEBODY PROMISED ME THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ SOMEBODY PROMISED ME THE MOON ♪

♪ SOMEBODY TOLD ME THERE'D BE ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ AND NOW I KNOW THEY'RE COMING SOON ♪

♪ AND NOW I'M READY FOR THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ AND I'M AS HAPPY AS CAN BE ♪

♪ AND ALL MY DAYS ARE FILLED WITH ROSES AND RAINBOWS ♪

♪ MY LIFE BELONGS TO ME ♪

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com