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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:33,818 Excuse me. 2 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:36,028 Excuse me? 3 00:01:36,196 --> 00:01:37,926 I know you. 4 00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:41,061 - Don't I know you? - No. 5 00:01:52,412 --> 00:01:54,813 Hey, hey, hold that door! 6 00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:09,954 You cold? You need something to warm you up? 7 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,463 No. You know what you can do, you can burn this whole place down... 8 00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,260 ...so I don't have to do this fucking nostalgia night. 9 00:02:14,434 --> 00:02:16,630 Prepare yourself, it's not as big a house as they thought. 10 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,897 - I think the weather kept people home. - See the marquee? 11 00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:22,736 It's like Night of the Living Dead. I should fire you for this. 12 00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:25,811 ...then you'll get a gray hair in a place you thought... 13 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,574 ...God would be nice enough to just leave alone. 14 00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,781 I'm liking menopause. Makes me surly. 15 00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:33,920 - Jackie B. - Hey. 16 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:37,114 - Jimmie Walker. - Jackie. Jackie Burke. 17 00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:39,486 Man, thanks for coming. I really appreciate it. 18 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:40,820 Thanks for having me. 19 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:45,329 Hey, look. Small crowd, but they're very, very lively. 20 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,797 Well, you know, I can play to one person. 21 00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:50,027 Sometimes I play with myself. 22 00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:53,037 - Jackie. It's a family audience. - Good. 23 00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:55,175 ...you do one joke about a gray snatch hair. 24 00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:57,833 So you find the gray hair... 25 00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,947 And then he said, "Okay. You know you have to brush this on." 26 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,777 Which, oh, quelle surprise, I thought I'd just shake it up... 27 00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:07,546 ...pour it down till it quit burning, have a hot apple pie. 28 00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:10,116 It's like I'm an addled girl. 29 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:14,352 He goes, "You have to sit there with your legs apart for a half hour." 30 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:18,623 "Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama, how do you think we got the fence painted?" 31 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,867 That's my proudest joke. 32 00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:26,502 You're the best under fire! 33 00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:27,834 We love you, Grace! 34 00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:32,945 Miss Grace Under Fire, Miss Brett Butler! 35 00:03:35,748 --> 00:03:39,310 - How you doing? - If I ever do one of these again, shoot me. 36 00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:41,249 Don't worry. I'll do us both with one bullet. 37 00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:45,255 We got a guy coming on now. A legend, ladies and gentlemen. 38 00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:50,158 Hickory Dickory Dock, I got to roll back the clock. 39 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:54,267 That's right. Because we are ready to bring up a young man that... 40 00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:57,164 ...when he was on TV... 41 00:03:57,337 --> 00:04:00,068 ...there was no electricity. 42 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:04,871 When he was on TV, Little House on the Prairie was just a shack... 43 00:04:05,044 --> 00:04:06,171 ...ladies and gentlemen. 44 00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:08,941 - He is devastating... - What am I getting for this gig? 45 00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:13,610 You get a percentage of the door. So that's $11 and a burger. 46 00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:16,847 - Your commission's gonna be a pickle. - Sure. Like always. 47 00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:23,395 The man that you know from the hit sitcom Eddie's Home. 48 00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:28,797 Ladies and gentlemen, let's put our hands together for Eddie. 49 00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:33,571 - Arlene. - Eddie, look. I carved a pumpkin. 50 00:04:35,742 --> 00:04:37,438 Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. 51 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:40,637 - Arlene, when your son decides... - We love your hair. 52 00:04:40,813 --> 00:04:42,611 ...to dress up like a ballerina... 53 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,616 ...it's no longer about trick-or-treating. 54 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,653 Eddie, he's only 11 and a half. 55 00:04:48,821 --> 00:04:51,950 Give him a chance to find himself. He needs to explore. 56 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,788 - Arlene. Arlene. - Explore. 57 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,395 Arlene! 58 00:04:56,562 --> 00:05:01,466 Mr. Jackie Burke is in the house, ladies and gentlemen. 59 00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,830 - You staying? - Yeah. I'll drive you home. 60 00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:06,165 Jackie Burke is here. 61 00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:07,807 Holy cow. 62 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,076 Eddie's home! 63 00:05:13,346 --> 00:05:15,042 Give it up. 64 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:19,449 Give it up for JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker. 65 00:05:20,119 --> 00:05:25,558 He's the living proof that black might not crack, but it definitely decomposes. 66 00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:30,127 Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. 67 00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:35,834 Yeah. I know a lot of you are here because you love Eddie. Yeah. 68 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:38,335 Well, I have bad news for you. 69 00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:39,802 Eddie died. 70 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,865 Yeah. 71 00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,476 Yeah. He died a long time ago, 30 years ago... 72 00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:47,273 ...along with my career and Brett Butler's eggs. 73 00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:52,274 Okay. Enough about me. Let's talk about this abortion of a town you live in. 74 00:05:52,985 --> 00:05:57,320 Hicksville! How did they ever come up with a name like "Hicksville"? 75 00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,356 I looked up "Hicksville" on Wikipedia. 76 00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:02,393 It said "inbreeding" and "crystal meth." 77 00:06:02,795 --> 00:06:06,630 So why don't you change your name to something more pleasant like Somalia? 78 00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,700 But don't worry, Hicksville. 79 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:11,360 When you grow up, you, also, can change your name. 80 00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:14,166 I changed my name. I wasn't always "Jackie." 81 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:17,139 When I was born, my parents named me, you know what? Jakov. 82 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,471 No! 83 00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,203 Jakov Berkowitz. 84 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,509 Yeah. That's right. It's that big, girls. 85 00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:28,849 I mean, even the Jewish kids beat me up with a name like that. 86 00:06:30,189 --> 00:06:32,920 Can I help you all with something, huh? 87 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:37,023 - What's going on here? - Bachelorette party! 88 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,256 Bachelorette party! 89 00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,197 Eight girls sharing one brain. 90 00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:45,662 - Who's the lucky girl? - I am. 91 00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:47,534 Don't look so happy, sweetheart. 92 00:06:47,707 --> 00:06:50,336 Right now, your fiancé's in a strip club licking whipped cream... 93 00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:52,911 ...out of some girl's asshole. 94 00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:57,278 Hey, come on, don't get sad. I'm just breaking your balls. 95 00:06:57,450 --> 00:07:00,443 You're getting married to one dick for the rest of your life. 96 00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:05,018 What could be more exciting than that? 97 00:07:07,193 --> 00:07:10,357 Oh, my God, Jackie. You shouldn't do marriage jokes. 98 00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:12,362 O.J. Simpson was a better husband than you. 99 00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:17,298 It's not about you, you selfish bastard. It's about them. 100 00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:19,905 Keep it light and fun and positive. 101 00:07:20,072 --> 00:07:25,443 Marriage will suck every speck of life out of your soul... 102 00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:30,413 ...until there's nothing left but one big, giant, festering sore. 103 00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:34,778 Good luck. 104 00:07:35,321 --> 00:07:38,314 It's not just me. I don't think humans were meant to be married. 105 00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:40,460 I mean, you want a relationship? 106 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:43,323 Get a canary, get a fish. Get a fucking chicken. 107 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,130 Get a dog. 108 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,167 A dog is always happy to see you. A dog doesn't judge you. 109 00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:50,769 The dog is just there. 110 00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:54,601 I'm late, my dog's like, "Hey, Jackie, no big deal." 111 00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:58,272 I forget to feed him, "It's okay, Jackie. I'm a fat fuck. 112 00:07:58,444 --> 00:08:00,777 I gotta lose some weight. It's all right." 113 00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:02,779 I come home smelling like pussy, and he doesn't get mad. 114 00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:04,417 He just wags his tail and licks my fingers. 115 00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:07,748 Enough of this "dog" shit! Come on, do "Eddie." 116 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,821 Not now, pal, please. Can you help me out? 117 00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:13,153 Yeah. No. I didn't come here to hear new shit. 118 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:16,455 - I came to see Eddie. - Shut up. 119 00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:19,155 Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you be down at the playground... 120 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,632 - ...luring kids into a windowless van? - Hodor! 121 00:08:24,036 --> 00:08:25,664 Hey, I'm the audience. 122 00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,808 You're here to entertain me. You work for me. 123 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,640 You hear that? I work for him. 124 00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:35,308 All right, boss, how about you give me an early Christmas bonus... 125 00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:37,609 ...and tongue my balls. 126 00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:44,322 Calm down. You chose this career, you fucking idiot. 127 00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:46,686 You could've been a doctor or a lawyer... 128 00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:50,626 ...but you chose to beg drunken strangers for love and attention. 129 00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:54,961 Just try to make everyone happy, so you can go home and jerk off. 130 00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:57,501 Hey, look, man. I don't wanna fight. Let's be friends. 131 00:08:57,670 --> 00:09:01,038 Can someone do me a favor, get a drink for this guy... 132 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,699 ...and a bag of oats for his wife. 133 00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:07,305 - Bullshit. You getting this, Amy? - I don't want that shit in our webisode. 134 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,348 Webisode? Your shit? What web...? What the fuck are you doing? 135 00:09:10,516 --> 00:09:12,417 Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down. 136 00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:15,714 - Webisode 19. - What you doing? Are you taping me? 137 00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:18,585 This is my show, old man. I'm here to take you down. 138 00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:20,589 - Give me that. - No, you give me that mic. 139 00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:23,695 - Take me down? What are you doing? - Wanna go joke to joke with me, Eddie? 140 00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:26,765 - Take your hands off my mic. - You wanna dance? Let's go. 141 00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:29,164 - Let go of the mic. - This is my show, buddy. 142 00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:30,530 You getting this, Amy? This is my show. 143 00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:33,263 You're the joke, old man. You're the fucking joke. 144 00:09:33,439 --> 00:09:35,203 - You want the mic? You want it? - Yeah. 145 00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:41,204 Oh, shit! Baby! 146 00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:44,874 What is wrong with you? You crazy bastard! 147 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,888 Oh, my God, are you okay? 148 00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:51,024 And I'm here to take you down. 149 00:09:51,190 --> 00:09:54,058 What the fuck are you doing, my friend? Give me that goddamn... 150 00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:59,062 No, you give me that mic. 151 00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:04,192 Your Honor, as you can clearly see, Mr. Severin grabbed Mr. Berkowitz first. 152 00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:09,934 Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin several times to desist, and he refused. 153 00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,578 - Wanna go joke to joke with me? - Let go of the mic. 154 00:10:12,745 --> 00:10:14,941 - Let go of the mic. - You're the joke, old man. 155 00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,412 Any objection to probation? 156 00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:20,347 With a strong public apology and substantial community service. 157 00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:25,257 Jakob Berkowitz, please rise. 158 00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:28,986 Jakob Berkowitz, the court understands there are mitigating circumstances... 159 00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:31,460 ...but nothing excuses your retaliation. 160 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:36,069 It is in the judgment of this court that you serve 100 hours of community service. 161 00:10:36,235 --> 00:10:38,170 You will attend 10 anger-management sessions... 162 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,840 ...and you will make an allocution and an apology. 163 00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:42,771 Do you understand, Mr. Berkowitz? 164 00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:43,966 - Yes, Your Honor. - Good. 165 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,806 And in accordance with this agreement, are you prepared to change your plea... 166 00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,470 ...from "not guilty" to "guilty"? 167 00:10:49,515 --> 00:10:50,881 - Yeah. - Yes, Your Honor. 168 00:10:55,087 --> 00:10:57,488 "I admit to assault and battery on Mr. Severin. 169 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,990 I recognize that I acted in a weak and violent manner... 170 00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:03,652 ...and I will aggressively take steps to ensure that it will never happen again. 171 00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:07,027 I also apologize to the court and to my fans." 172 00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:10,459 Do you have anything to say to Mr. Severin? 173 00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:14,640 Yes, Your Honor. 174 00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:16,207 Sorry. 175 00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:21,439 Come on, he can do better than that. This is insulting. I'm hurt. 176 00:11:22,448 --> 00:11:26,613 Excuse me, Your Honor, but I think the defendant can do better than that. 177 00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:28,778 Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage. 178 00:11:28,954 --> 00:11:31,651 Mr. Berkowitz, you wanna try that again? 179 00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:40,292 Mr. Berkowitz... 180 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:46,668 - No. - No? 181 00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:48,432 No? 182 00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:50,374 No. Your Honor... 183 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,705 ...there's no way Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage... 184 00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,575 ...because according to the law, the way I understand it... 185 00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:58,877 ...it has not been proven in this courtroom that Mr. Severin, in fact, has a brain. 186 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:03,580 Mr. Berkowitz, do not test me today in my court. 187 00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:06,089 Look at him now, Your Honor. You can tell by his face. 188 00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:08,420 The look like Donald Trump banged Alfred E. Neuman... 189 00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:10,222 ...after a night of snorting thalidomide. 190 00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,831 - Can he say that to me? - Order in the court. Order in the court. 191 00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:14,990 - Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough. - Jackie, that's enough. 192 00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:16,499 - Let me talk! - All right. 193 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,194 It isn't about me, Your Honor. 194 00:12:18,370 --> 00:12:20,862 It's about the fate of humanity, which is in your hands. 195 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,100 Look at him. He's with that woman. They were together that night. 196 00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:24,766 What if they breed? 197 00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:26,707 Are you serious? 198 00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:28,939 - Objection. - Get him out of here. 199 00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:31,243 - Mr. Berkowitz, you are in contempt. - We had a deal. 200 00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:33,545 The people have changed their mind. No deal. 201 00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:37,349 Take him out of here. Nassau County Correctional Facility for 30 days. 202 00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:39,354 Order in the court. 203 00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:48,798 Up the stairs. 204 00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:53,399 All right, gentlemen, lock it in! 205 00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,604 Stop at the top of the landing. 206 00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:11,055 Walk in four feet and stop. 207 00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:23,034 Okay, gentlemen. Ready? Let's give a warm welcome to our newest resident. 208 00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:25,667 He's the king of his castle 209 00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:30,672 Eddie's home Where he's making a scene 210 00:13:30,843 --> 00:13:34,575 Eddie's home With the kid and Arlene 211 00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,147 Eddie's home... 212 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:39,945 Suck my dick, asshole! You gonna be my bitch. 213 00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:42,850 ...or he's gonna kick your ass 214 00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:10,945 God, it's freezing. Let me turn on these seat warmers. 215 00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:13,517 Bet you didn't have those in there. 216 00:14:14,486 --> 00:14:16,478 I came up with some good stuff in there. 217 00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:18,681 Smart. Good. 218 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,293 I'd try it out on you, but you never, you know... 219 00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:24,396 - You have no sense of humor. - No, I don't. 220 00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:27,126 I've never seen you laugh. Ever. 221 00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:29,165 - No, you haven't. - Why is that? 222 00:14:29,335 --> 00:14:32,703 Can you imagine if I had to be an audience for all my comics? 223 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,898 "You laughed at his joke, you didn't laugh at mine." 224 00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:37,235 "You think he's funny. He's not even that funny." 225 00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:41,312 Forget it. I just react to no one, that way everybody feels equal. 226 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,881 So you call that personal management? 227 00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:45,984 Your father, at least, had affection for his clients. 228 00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:48,985 Well, affection his clients didn't have for him. 229 00:14:49,154 --> 00:14:50,918 Got you the TV show, and you fired him. 230 00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:53,490 No, that was a William Morris package deal. Your father understood. 231 00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:55,423 Great. Just don't talk to me about affection. 232 00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:58,530 I'm not talking about affection. I'm talking about getting work. 233 00:14:58,697 --> 00:15:00,928 You gotta stay in New York to serve out your sentence, right? 234 00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:03,034 There are no money gigs for you here. 235 00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:04,761 You can do club work, $30 a show. 236 00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:07,736 It will take you 7000 shows just to pay off your attorney. 237 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:11,935 I will get you Indian Casino, Princess Cruise... 238 00:15:12,144 --> 00:15:13,942 ...something like that in a few months. 239 00:15:14,146 --> 00:15:16,047 But as you know, they are hiring "Eddie." 240 00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:19,049 I mean, I'm... I'm hot now. I'm viral. 241 00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:22,188 Take advantage of it. Your father would've known how to do that. 242 00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:25,552 "Miller the Killer" I'd call him because your old man would kill to get me a gig. 243 00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:29,252 Yeah. Yeah. He loved it when you called him that. 244 00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:36,367 It killed him when you stopped. 245 00:15:36,535 --> 00:15:38,265 Come on. 246 00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,316 Hey. 247 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,552 Hey. 248 00:15:56,722 --> 00:16:00,716 - What are you doing here? - Happy Thanksgiving, baby. 249 00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,627 Thanks. You said you weren't coming. 250 00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:05,959 I flew in last night. 251 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,760 - Get in the car. I'll take you to work. - I'm just gonna take the train. 252 00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,802 - It's freezing. Get in the fucking car. - I'm already... No. No. 253 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,769 I'm not gonna take a limo to the soup kitchen. 254 00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:15,805 - I'm not gonna do it. - Goddamn it. Follow us. 255 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,069 Yes, Mr. Schiltz. 256 00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:20,672 Jesus, it's 80 in Boca. 257 00:16:20,846 --> 00:16:23,077 Well, then go home, Dad. 258 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:26,778 Let me make this simple for you: I need you to come back. 259 00:16:26,952 --> 00:16:29,512 - That what you wanna hear? - I don't wanna hear anything. 260 00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,418 The place doesn't work the same without you. 261 00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:35,425 Those old people are not happy because you're not there to take care of them. 262 00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:38,291 We found something you're good at. Why walk away from that? 263 00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:41,593 See. That's what you do. Don't say things like that. 264 00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:44,168 - That's not nice. Don't... - I meant it as a compliment. 265 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,828 It's not a compliment. How is that a compliment? 266 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,443 You make me seem like I'm some kind of problem that needs to be solved. 267 00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:53,135 - Or like I can't figure things... - You are a problem. 268 00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:56,714 - I'm not doing this on my block. - But I love you. 269 00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:58,817 That isn't love. 270 00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:02,819 My lawyer worked out an arrangement with the court, so you can finish... 271 00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:06,857 - ...your community service in Florida. - You can't do that without me. 272 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,551 You can't do that without me. 273 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:12,562 What's in New York for you? You got cheated on. You got dumped. 274 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:13,858 - So what? - You got arrested. 275 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,468 - So what? - These are not signs of success... 276 00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:18,331 ...in this city. 277 00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:22,239 - Go home, Dad. - Hey. 278 00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:26,209 A week from Monday's my birthday and you're having dinner with me. 279 00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:30,213 No ifs, ands or buts. You got it? Because... 280 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:33,418 You are my sunshine My only sunshine 281 00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:35,144 You gotta be fucking kidding me. 282 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,188 You make me happy When skies are gray 283 00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:39,416 Don't sing. 284 00:17:39,591 --> 00:17:41,219 You'll never know, dear How much I love you 285 00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:43,692 Okay to dinner. No singing. No more singing. 286 00:17:43,862 --> 00:17:46,195 Please don't take my sunshine away 287 00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:49,233 And having dinner with me is not a gift! 288 00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:52,030 I want a gift too! 289 00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:15,592 Here he is. 290 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,696 The prick who came in from the cold. 291 00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:19,889 Place looks good. 292 00:18:20,065 --> 00:18:22,694 It smells a lot more Jewish than before. 293 00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:25,929 Hey, Jay. You know my famous brother, Jackie Burke? 294 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,199 - How you doing? - Hi, Jay. 295 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,137 Probably needs money. 296 00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:35,376 I need to talk to you. 297 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,314 I was right? 298 00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:40,214 Jesus, I was kidding. 299 00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:43,586 - So you need money? - No, it's fine. I'm fine. 300 00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:46,054 Just doing my community service over at the Apostles Mission. 301 00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:48,217 I was in the neighborhood. Thought I'd say hello. 302 00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:50,726 Community service? I saw the fucking video. 303 00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:52,660 How could you let a heckler get to you like that? 304 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,562 It wasn't about the heckling. It was the goddamn camera. 305 00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:58,829 You know what they were doing? Trying to use my act for their show. 306 00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:01,439 Create their show out of my act. It was crazy. 307 00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:03,599 - You looked crazy. - Yeah. So how are you? 308 00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:04,799 - I'm good. You? - Good. 309 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,675 I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Look, the only thing is, I... I... 310 00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:12,079 I lost a lot of gigs the last four weeks because of what happened. 311 00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:15,915 And Miller's re-booking them, but I'm tapped out. I need a little... 312 00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:18,148 You know what? You got a lot of fucking nerve. 313 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:21,293 - I don't see you. I don't hear from you. - It happened so fast. 314 00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:24,988 - They take your phone in prison. - I read in Google News you got arrested. 315 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,030 - Like I'm nothing to you. - A lot of naked men. 316 00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:29,668 - Am I nothing to you? Is my family? - I was preoccupied. 317 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,428 - Is that why...? - Jackie. 318 00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:38,533 Hello, Flo. 319 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,672 - How nice to see you. - Nice to see you. 320 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,375 - Happy Thanksgiving. - Happy Thanksgiving to you. 321 00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:50,284 - We haven't seen you for how long? - Please... 322 00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:53,186 - Well, I was in prison. - Oh, no, long before that. 323 00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:56,055 - So nice to see you. - Nice to see you too. Nice to see you. 324 00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:58,060 - How are the kids? - Kid. 325 00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:00,461 - We have one kid. - She's an adult now. 326 00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:02,726 - I forgot. Dementia. - Yeah. Yeah. 327 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:04,198 - She's getting married. - Is she? 328 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:07,237 Brittany's getting married? I thought she was a dyke. 329 00:20:08,473 --> 00:20:11,170 You say "lesbian," asshole. 330 00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:14,040 - Sorry. You're right. I meant "gay." - And they get married. 331 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,910 - They can get married. - You don't have to come. 332 00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:18,380 He doesn't have to come. 333 00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,576 We sent you an invitation. We heard nothing. 334 00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:23,051 - I was in prison. I told you. - Before that. 335 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,485 He doesn't have to come if he's busy. 336 00:20:24,656 --> 00:20:26,386 You don't have to come if it's too much trouble. 337 00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:29,084 - It's not too much trouble. - If it's too much trouble, don't come. 338 00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,821 I don't need the aggravation if it's trouble for you. 339 00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:34,193 - I don't want it to become a thing. - It's not a thing. 340 00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:37,564 - If it's gonna be a thing, don't bother. - I don't think it's a thing. 341 00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:41,173 It's not a problem. It's not a thing. I would love to come. I'll be there. 342 00:20:43,275 --> 00:20:46,837 - It's a week from Sunday. Yes. - A week from Sunday? I will be there. 343 00:20:48,714 --> 00:20:52,913 So you wanna stay and have Thanksgiving dinner after we close? 344 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:57,022 Not really. I have an excuse though, and I'll tell you what it is. 345 00:20:57,189 --> 00:21:01,126 I'm working at the mission. Double the hours off my sentence for Thanksgiving. 346 00:21:05,063 --> 00:21:08,090 God forbid you do it because it's nice. 347 00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,133 I need to speak to you... 348 00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:12,498 ...when you two are finished. 349 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,636 Not in this house. 350 00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:24,074 - Oh, she hates me. - No, she doesn't hate you. 351 00:21:24,249 --> 00:21:25,547 She doesn't? 352 00:21:25,717 --> 00:21:28,118 Yeah, I was fucking with you. Of course she hates you. 353 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,415 You never show up unless you need something. 354 00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:31,887 - That's it? - Yeah. 355 00:21:32,057 --> 00:21:34,891 Sensitive bitch. None of my wives hated you. 356 00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:38,053 You were never married to any of them long enough to meet me. 357 00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:40,096 So how much you need? 358 00:21:40,832 --> 00:21:43,825 I don't even remember. I'm so exhausted. 359 00:21:44,569 --> 00:21:46,629 Pop liked me better. 360 00:21:47,105 --> 00:21:48,971 Daddy did not like you better. 361 00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:51,542 - No, he didn't. - No, he didn't. 362 00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:55,774 Five thousand. No big deal. You know you'll get it back. 363 00:21:57,749 --> 00:22:00,651 "You'll get it back." Yeah, I'll get it back. 364 00:22:08,126 --> 00:22:10,186 Daddy loved you. You know that. 365 00:22:10,362 --> 00:22:11,921 He did. 366 00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:20,470 My daughter idolizes her famous uncle. 367 00:22:21,807 --> 00:22:23,332 You better show up. 368 00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:25,936 Thanks. 369 00:22:26,111 --> 00:22:27,374 And bring a gift. 370 00:22:28,213 --> 00:22:29,681 That's gonna be extra. 371 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,840 Go on. 372 00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:46,128 Growing up, my family celebrated all the Thanksgiving traditions. 373 00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:49,962 My favorite was my Uncle Moshit's telling of the Thanksgiving story. 374 00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,531 Anyway. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. 375 00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:55,902 Wow, did Duck Dynasty get canceled? 376 00:22:56,708 --> 00:23:00,145 Chris Rock, what the fuck are you doing here? 377 00:23:00,312 --> 00:23:02,907 Hey, Chris, I was just telling my Thanksgiving story. 378 00:23:03,415 --> 00:23:06,351 Uncle Moshit told me that before the first Thanksgiving... 379 00:23:06,852 --> 00:23:09,754 ...the pilgrims thought that turkeys were sex objects. 380 00:23:09,921 --> 00:23:13,915 They couldn't fly, and "gobble-gobble" was Puritan for "blowjob." 381 00:23:14,126 --> 00:23:18,393 So when the Indians arrived, right after the Macy's Day Parade... 382 00:23:18,563 --> 00:23:20,657 ...they brought turkeys all trussed up. 383 00:23:20,832 --> 00:23:24,234 They were with cranberry sauce and gravy and potatoes... 384 00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:26,770 ...and the Pilgrims were like... They were pissed. 385 00:23:26,938 --> 00:23:30,602 They were like, "What are they doing? They're eating our fuck birds." 386 00:23:30,776 --> 00:23:33,405 But you know, being Puritans, they don't wanna be rude. 387 00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:36,013 But you know what? It turned out... 388 00:23:36,181 --> 00:23:41,882 ...that the turkeys tasted even better than going down on their wives! 389 00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:44,755 Yeah! 390 00:23:45,791 --> 00:23:47,919 Would you believe that? That's the truth. 391 00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:50,289 So, what do you think the Puritans did? 392 00:23:50,462 --> 00:23:54,866 The Puritans stopped fucking the turkeys and started fucking the Indians instead. 393 00:23:55,033 --> 00:23:56,729 That's how we stole their country... 394 00:23:56,902 --> 00:23:59,872 ...and made the turkey our national bird. 395 00:24:02,574 --> 00:24:04,702 - Supervisor's office? - There. Yeah. 396 00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:06,401 Up there? 397 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,557 You really are a piece of shit, you know that, George? 398 00:24:18,723 --> 00:24:21,124 Oh, how is it my fault? 399 00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:22,886 How is this my fault? 400 00:24:23,061 --> 00:24:27,055 I didn't it throw at her. I threw it at you, and she stepped in the way. 401 00:24:27,232 --> 00:24:29,098 That's on her. That's not on me. 402 00:24:29,267 --> 00:24:32,135 Who does that? She does. Are you still seeing her? 403 00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:35,968 Are you with her? You're not with her. You're not with her. 404 00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:39,077 I follow you on Instagram, you moron. 405 00:24:39,244 --> 00:24:41,440 I see what you're doing. 406 00:24:41,613 --> 00:24:44,708 Fuck you, George. Well, fuck you, then! 407 00:24:45,350 --> 00:24:47,342 No, fuck you, George. 408 00:24:47,519 --> 00:24:50,512 No. I am taking the high road right now. 409 00:24:50,722 --> 00:24:54,955 So are we gonna see each other again, or is this over for good? 410 00:25:01,533 --> 00:25:03,331 Fuck you. 411 00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:04,993 Goddamn it. 412 00:25:06,371 --> 00:25:07,805 Kevin, you got the keys? 413 00:25:07,973 --> 00:25:09,669 - What are you doing? - I'm sorry... I... 414 00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:12,538 Why are you standing there, listening to a private conversation? 415 00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:15,111 - I wasn't listening. - It's a private conversation. 416 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,772 - I wasn't listening. I was... - You can't eavesdrop... 417 00:25:17,949 --> 00:25:20,111 - ...on a private conversation. - I wasn't. 418 00:25:20,285 --> 00:25:23,722 They asked me to come up to have you sign this for my hours. 419 00:25:23,889 --> 00:25:25,687 You want the supervisor. That's Bobbi. 420 00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:27,120 - She's at the store. - Okay. 421 00:25:27,292 --> 00:25:28,954 - And I'm allowed to be here. - Sorry. 422 00:25:29,127 --> 00:25:31,619 - I didn't say you weren't. - There's no cell service here... 423 00:25:31,796 --> 00:25:34,197 ...but don't say anything to anyone. Okay? 424 00:25:34,366 --> 00:25:35,390 I won't say a thing. 425 00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:39,026 Believe me. I will not say a thing. I just don't wanna be that guy George. 426 00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:41,833 - What do you know about George? - He's a piece of shit. 427 00:25:42,007 --> 00:25:44,033 Yeah, he is a piece of shit. 428 00:25:44,209 --> 00:25:47,145 - You got that right. - Sounds like it. 429 00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:49,905 I know you, right? You're Jackie Burke. 430 00:25:50,081 --> 00:25:51,140 I am. 431 00:25:51,316 --> 00:25:54,411 My dad used to love your TV show. We've watched every episode. 432 00:25:54,586 --> 00:25:56,145 Always nice to meet a fan. 433 00:25:56,321 --> 00:25:59,314 Yeah. Well, we just had the one TV. 434 00:26:01,026 --> 00:26:03,325 - What's your name? - Harmony Schiltz. 435 00:26:03,495 --> 00:26:05,054 Harmony Schiltz? 436 00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:07,790 Were your parents in a Nazi barbershop quartet? 437 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,367 - Yeah. - It's always nice to see women laugh. 438 00:26:11,836 --> 00:26:13,828 Once you can make a woman laugh... 439 00:26:14,005 --> 00:26:17,498 ...then you can make her do anything, they say. I don't know if that's true. 440 00:26:17,676 --> 00:26:20,202 - Is that what they say? - It's an old saying. 441 00:26:20,612 --> 00:26:23,605 Like a very, very old saying? 442 00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:39,529 Ladies and gentlemen, we are now beginning the third set... 443 00:26:39,698 --> 00:26:43,066 ...with the terrific Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers... 444 00:26:43,234 --> 00:26:45,260 ...from the jazz corner of the world. 445 00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:49,602 Lee Morgan on trumpet, Wayne Shorter on the tenor saxophone... 446 00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:54,109 ...Bobby Timmons on the piano, Jymie Merritt on the bass. 447 00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:57,738 - Soul Brothers on the scene now. - Soul Brothers on the scene now. 448 00:26:57,916 --> 00:27:00,943 - Gonna really do a cool one for you. - Gonna really do a cool one for you. 449 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,953 How about a nice hand, everybody, together... 450 00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:08,560 For the one and only Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers? 451 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:35,485 Hey, jailbird, what's up? 452 00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:37,316 Hey, Jackie, how's your asshole? 453 00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:38,684 Can I get you something? 454 00:27:38,890 --> 00:27:42,019 - Like a hemorrhoidal donut? - Get Jackie a Chivas on the rocks. 455 00:27:42,794 --> 00:27:44,626 Buy him a drink, but you won't book him? 456 00:27:44,796 --> 00:27:46,094 - Less risky. - Why? 457 00:27:46,264 --> 00:27:50,326 Because he's out of control. Too much baggage. 458 00:27:52,904 --> 00:27:57,501 On my way up there, I saw a group of cops, six of them, on horses. 459 00:27:57,676 --> 00:27:59,508 Can they do real cop stuff? 460 00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:02,273 Because every time I see them, they're like: 461 00:28:03,615 --> 00:28:06,016 "Easy. Easy. 462 00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:10,454 Sure, I'll take a picture." 463 00:28:12,791 --> 00:28:15,454 My parents are immigrants. They're from Taiwan. 464 00:28:15,627 --> 00:28:17,323 They moved to Texas when I was a baby. 465 00:28:17,495 --> 00:28:20,795 And I think immigration is fucking crazy. 466 00:28:20,965 --> 00:28:23,560 Can you imagine moving to a completely foreign country... 467 00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:27,297 ...just so your offspring would have more opportunities? 468 00:28:29,174 --> 00:28:32,144 Then your kid goes into stand-up comedy. 469 00:28:33,678 --> 00:28:37,171 I'm Puerto Rican, which means I'm a Mexican with papers. 470 00:28:37,749 --> 00:28:40,810 I was a teenage-pregnancy case. That's how we do it in my family. 471 00:28:40,985 --> 00:28:43,819 We have our babies, then we get a job, then we get our periods. 472 00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:48,224 I love New York City, but there's some attitude here. A little attitude. 473 00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:51,227 I could never live anywhere else. 474 00:28:52,864 --> 00:28:56,665 I don't know. It's a great city, but, come on... 475 00:28:56,835 --> 00:29:00,237 ...the greatest city in the world? It's the only place I've ever been... 476 00:29:00,405 --> 00:29:04,001 "What's that smell?" "Oh, that's the greatest city in the world." 477 00:29:04,609 --> 00:29:07,101 If the bathroom door's locked and I got my iPad... 478 00:29:07,278 --> 00:29:09,577 ...you know what I'm doing, so don't knock please. 479 00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:11,683 It's one of those things. Breaks the flow. 480 00:29:11,850 --> 00:29:15,014 Like when you're fucking and the phone rings and it's your mother. 481 00:29:16,187 --> 00:29:18,986 Like, why are you calling me? I'm right next to you. 482 00:29:20,091 --> 00:29:24,028 Oh, I just improv'd that. I didn't mean to get blue. 483 00:29:24,195 --> 00:29:27,723 Sorry. Incest, it's the only thing that gets people back at 2 a.m. 484 00:29:35,540 --> 00:29:39,375 We like to think RAW TV is the progressive alternative to networks. 485 00:29:39,544 --> 00:29:41,638 She lost me when she said, "We like to think." 486 00:29:41,813 --> 00:29:43,441 Jackie... 487 00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:47,552 Scared to Death is the most-watched new show on basic cable. 488 00:29:48,052 --> 00:29:50,647 - Carol Bock will be right with you. - Thank you. 489 00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:53,622 "Raw" meaning half-baked? 490 00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:55,385 No. Raw as in "rough." 491 00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:57,961 You went viral because you beat the shit out of somebody... 492 00:29:58,129 --> 00:29:59,563 ...that's a plus for them. 493 00:29:59,731 --> 00:30:03,463 Scared to Death. Maybe I should've worn my Halloween costume. 494 00:30:04,969 --> 00:30:09,339 Eddie's serving a 15-year sentence for beating a heckler to death. 495 00:30:09,541 --> 00:30:12,409 - Where'd that idea come from? - Guess. 496 00:30:12,577 --> 00:30:14,671 Anyway, he becomes the convict king of the prison. 497 00:30:14,846 --> 00:30:19,284 He runs everything. He runs the drugs, sex, extortion, everything. 498 00:30:19,450 --> 00:30:22,420 Any kind of crime that's in the prison, he's in control of. 499 00:30:22,587 --> 00:30:26,490 And then the other gang leaders, the Crips, the Bloods, the Aryan Nation... 500 00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:28,820 ...the Mexican Mafia, they all come to him. 501 00:30:28,993 --> 00:30:31,861 And he's tough, he's ruthless, but funny. 502 00:30:32,263 --> 00:30:36,598 It's like Breaking Bad on acid, but funny. 503 00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:38,634 - Main thing is... - And pure Jackie Burke. 504 00:30:38,803 --> 00:30:40,533 - You'll write? - I'll write the pilot... 505 00:30:40,705 --> 00:30:42,640 ...and I'll punch up all the scripts. 506 00:30:42,807 --> 00:30:46,209 Our channel's target audience is 18-24. 507 00:30:46,377 --> 00:30:49,472 He plays to that demo all the time. They will eat this up. 508 00:30:49,647 --> 00:30:52,207 - You got a title? - Burke on the Block. 509 00:30:52,951 --> 00:30:54,977 I'm open to anything. You know your audience. 510 00:30:55,153 --> 00:30:57,850 Burke on the Block. It's funny. 511 00:30:59,023 --> 00:31:00,958 Okay. Great. 512 00:31:01,125 --> 00:31:03,287 I just have to say, Eddie... 513 00:31:03,461 --> 00:31:05,657 God... Sorry. 514 00:31:05,830 --> 00:31:08,527 - I mean, Jackie. - It's... No. No worries. 515 00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:10,965 Jackie. I can't believe I said that. 516 00:31:11,135 --> 00:31:14,003 - It's all right. Don't worry. - The idea's delicious. 517 00:31:14,172 --> 00:31:16,732 Your YouTube video, a lot of hits. 518 00:31:18,176 --> 00:31:22,409 Let me bandy it about with my posse here. There's a lot of stuff to consider. 519 00:31:22,614 --> 00:31:24,310 How much time do you need? 520 00:31:24,482 --> 00:31:28,886 I just have to tell you, Jackie, you are the reason I am in television. 521 00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:30,749 In television comedy. 522 00:31:30,922 --> 00:31:35,519 When I was a kid, I remember laughing so hard at you. 523 00:31:35,693 --> 00:31:37,924 I couldn't wait to grow up. It is so cool to meet you. 524 00:31:38,129 --> 00:31:39,563 Thank you. 525 00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:42,565 But, listen, the idea is terrific, and we'll... 526 00:31:42,734 --> 00:31:44,259 Did I hear a "but"? 527 00:31:44,435 --> 00:31:46,063 I thought I heard a "but." 528 00:31:46,237 --> 00:31:47,899 Did we hear a "but"? 529 00:31:48,072 --> 00:31:51,907 There's a lot of butts sitting here, but does "but" mean "Give me some time"? 530 00:31:52,076 --> 00:31:55,171 "Let me think about it"? "Maybe never"? "Whatever"? 531 00:31:55,346 --> 00:31:59,249 Jackie, "but" is part of my job description. 532 00:31:59,417 --> 00:32:02,444 But we don't have to go past "but." It's not necessary. 533 00:32:02,654 --> 00:32:06,216 Time is of the essence. Not everybody has a lot of time, especially me "but." 534 00:32:06,391 --> 00:32:09,088 Carol is just explaining that there's a process... 535 00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:11,729 I know the process. She's explaining the process. 536 00:32:11,896 --> 00:32:14,422 But the process is we're not interested, "but." 537 00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:15,760 Thank you, "but." 538 00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:19,029 - And I say, so long, thank you too, "but." - Thanks for coming in. 539 00:32:19,203 --> 00:32:22,071 - Thank you. - I will give you a call. 540 00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:27,370 Jackie. 541 00:32:27,545 --> 00:32:29,411 You see her fucking feet on that table? 542 00:32:29,580 --> 00:32:31,071 - Who does she think she is? - I did. 543 00:32:31,249 --> 00:32:33,718 - She is a fan who runs a cable network. - Fucking bitch. Yeah. 544 00:32:33,885 --> 00:32:36,286 She had a neon sign on her forehead that said "no." 545 00:32:36,454 --> 00:32:38,116 There are new executives out there. 546 00:32:38,289 --> 00:32:41,657 You have to cultivate them. They say "no" now, come back with another idea. 547 00:32:41,826 --> 00:32:45,285 Gonna tap dance for these fucking idiots who don't have an ounce of talent. 548 00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:47,125 They're gonna tell me what's funny? 549 00:32:47,298 --> 00:32:50,826 - Being funny isn't enough anymore. - Now you're fired. 550 00:32:51,736 --> 00:32:55,434 Jackie! Jackie, come on! Jackie, please! 551 00:33:02,947 --> 00:33:06,975 It's a little tight on you. I think you should get something bigger. 552 00:33:07,151 --> 00:33:09,620 It's the shirt that makes the man. Right? 553 00:33:09,787 --> 00:33:11,278 - You know it. - There you go. 554 00:33:11,456 --> 00:33:13,254 This is you. This is you. 555 00:33:13,424 --> 00:33:15,916 You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it. 556 00:33:16,094 --> 00:33:17,494 Wait a minute. 557 00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:21,656 You're that guy on TV. Eddie's Home, right? 558 00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:24,302 - How'd you wind up here? - That's a good question. 559 00:33:24,469 --> 00:33:25,698 Here I am. What can I do? 560 00:33:25,870 --> 00:33:29,307 - Jail? The slammer? What happened? - I was and had to do community service. 561 00:33:29,474 --> 00:33:32,842 - Here I am. Stuck. What am I gonna do? - There you go. See? 562 00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:36,641 - You guys are all homeless, right? - Yeah. Pretty much homeless. Yeah. 563 00:33:36,814 --> 00:33:39,306 Where are all the bums? The guys that don't wanna work. 564 00:33:39,484 --> 00:33:43,114 What happens with them? I'm getting confused. I want to work... 565 00:33:43,287 --> 00:33:46,189 ...but I don't want any of the jobs I can actually get. 566 00:33:46,357 --> 00:33:50,294 So I guess you could say, for me... 567 00:33:50,461 --> 00:33:53,056 ...it's more... Being a bum is more of a career choice. 568 00:33:53,264 --> 00:33:54,892 - True. - Gotta do what you gotta do. 569 00:33:55,066 --> 00:33:57,035 - That's it. That's what I gotta do. - Yeah. 570 00:33:57,201 --> 00:33:59,295 You lie in your own bed, you sleep in it. 571 00:33:59,470 --> 00:34:00,802 Good advice. I like that. 572 00:34:00,972 --> 00:34:02,804 - Where'd you learn that? - An old wives' tale. 573 00:34:02,974 --> 00:34:05,773 - Mike, cover for me for a minute. Okay? - Yeah. 574 00:34:10,915 --> 00:34:12,178 Hi. 575 00:34:12,350 --> 00:34:16,549 Shit. You keep sneaking up on me like that. Why do you keep doing that? 576 00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:19,885 I don't know. Maybe it's something I picked up in prison. 577 00:34:20,858 --> 00:34:22,918 By the way, I watched that YouTube video... 578 00:34:23,094 --> 00:34:25,723 ...and for what it's worth, you were absolutely right... 579 00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:28,366 ...to hit that guy in the face with a microphone. 580 00:34:28,533 --> 00:34:30,263 - Thanks. - He deserved it. 581 00:34:30,435 --> 00:34:33,564 But my dad's an ex-con, so I don't know what kind of judge I am. 582 00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:36,037 - How many hours did you get? - A hundred. You? 583 00:34:36,207 --> 00:34:38,733 Two fifty. For what? 584 00:34:39,077 --> 00:34:41,512 - Assault. - Me too. 585 00:34:42,447 --> 00:34:45,383 You got a hundred for assault. Why is that fair? 586 00:34:45,550 --> 00:34:48,076 Why does that make sense? That makes no sense at all. 587 00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:51,689 Why should a man get less than a woman? For the same thing. 588 00:34:51,856 --> 00:34:54,917 That makes zero sense. Not that I mind working here... 589 00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:58,188 ...because I really do love being here, but that's bullshit. 590 00:34:58,362 --> 00:35:00,297 What'd you do, get the celebrity discount? 591 00:35:00,465 --> 00:35:02,457 No, they gave me 30 days in jail. 592 00:35:03,935 --> 00:35:06,962 Well, next time, don't hit someone in the head with a microphone. 593 00:35:07,138 --> 00:35:09,403 - Yeah. I was provoked. - Well, I was provoked. 594 00:35:09,574 --> 00:35:12,408 - I was provoked. - You found him in bed with somebody? 595 00:35:12,577 --> 00:35:14,944 Yeah. How'd you know? 596 00:35:15,113 --> 00:35:18,379 I've been there. I recognized the key you were screaming in. 597 00:35:18,549 --> 00:35:19,573 So, what'd you do? 598 00:35:20,885 --> 00:35:23,320 I dislocated his jaw, accidentally. 599 00:35:23,488 --> 00:35:25,320 Well, what about her? 600 00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:31,430 She put her hand up to block a very small lamp, and her wrist broke. 601 00:35:31,596 --> 00:35:33,622 - Oh, okay. - So... 602 00:35:34,799 --> 00:35:38,634 You know, I'm sorry, I... 603 00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:43,138 - If... I'm sorry I was rude the other day. - No, I wasn't coming on strong. 604 00:35:43,307 --> 00:35:47,335 I hope you didn't think I was. I just figured that you and I are doing time together... 605 00:35:47,512 --> 00:35:50,482 ...so us cons gotta stick together in a place like this. 606 00:35:51,782 --> 00:35:53,944 Motherfucker. 607 00:35:54,118 --> 00:35:55,814 Motherfucker! 608 00:35:55,987 --> 00:35:58,422 - Shit! - Oh, okay. 609 00:35:58,589 --> 00:36:01,991 Goddamn it. Shit. 610 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,095 Okay. Okay. 611 00:36:05,296 --> 00:36:09,461 This is the worst day ever. This is the shittiest day ever. 612 00:36:09,634 --> 00:36:11,967 I can't catch a fucking break. 613 00:36:12,136 --> 00:36:14,037 Goddamn it. 614 00:36:14,205 --> 00:36:16,800 Shit. I'm sorry. 615 00:36:16,974 --> 00:36:18,533 I don't need... I'm... 616 00:36:18,709 --> 00:36:22,441 You know what? Let's get a broom. This is too messy for... We... 617 00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:26,147 It's all right. It's all right. It's just a bunch of olives. 618 00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:30,018 Hey, look, are you free tonight? 619 00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:32,521 - What? - Are you free tonight? 620 00:36:33,357 --> 00:36:36,623 What, like a date? No, I'm not going on a date with you. 621 00:36:36,794 --> 00:36:39,992 We can call it a date, or it'll be an appointment, doesn't matter. 622 00:36:40,164 --> 00:36:42,190 No date. And I'm not sleeping with you. 623 00:36:42,366 --> 00:36:45,734 - That's not what I wanna do. - I'm not asking you to sleep with me. 624 00:36:45,937 --> 00:36:48,031 I'm asking you to go on an appointment with me. 625 00:36:48,206 --> 00:36:50,471 Look, you had a terrible day. You just said it. 626 00:36:50,641 --> 00:36:52,701 Let me take you to a place. You might have a nice time. 627 00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:56,177 My life is going great right now, so I don't know if you think... 628 00:36:56,347 --> 00:36:59,977 ...my life isn't going great because I am fine. I'm perfectly fine. 629 00:37:00,151 --> 00:37:03,918 So I don't need you telling me that my life isn't going great... 630 00:37:04,088 --> 00:37:06,990 ...but if I have time tonight, I'll check my calendar... 631 00:37:07,158 --> 00:37:10,424 ...and make sure that I have time. If I do, then maybe I'll go. 632 00:37:10,595 --> 00:37:12,359 Good. So why don't you come? 633 00:37:14,398 --> 00:37:16,867 - Well, what time? - After your shift. 634 00:37:17,034 --> 00:37:18,058 All right. 635 00:37:18,236 --> 00:37:21,729 So I'll check and see if I'm free, then I'll meet you upstairs after work. 636 00:37:21,906 --> 00:37:24,273 I'll be outside just like the other homeless people. 637 00:37:24,475 --> 00:37:28,105 I'll be on the ground over there. Wake me up. Make sure you wake me up. 638 00:37:28,279 --> 00:37:30,009 - So I smell like olives. - Don't worry. 639 00:37:30,181 --> 00:37:31,911 Are you gonna help me clean this up? 640 00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,712 If you go with me, I'll help you clean it up. 641 00:37:36,087 --> 00:37:38,750 You ever notice that all old Jewish people have the same face... 642 00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:43,190 ...even when they're saying something positive? "It's gorgeous outside. 643 00:37:43,361 --> 00:37:45,853 I'm so grateful I'm healthy." 644 00:37:46,030 --> 00:37:48,226 Are you sure you're okay? You look like shit. 645 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:52,437 I went to visit my grandmother recently, and all these old Jewish women... 646 00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:55,801 ...sit around and play mah-jongg and all sound like little bees when they talk. 647 00:37:56,007 --> 00:37:57,873 You know, they hunch over: 648 00:38:04,015 --> 00:38:05,039 ...salmon. 649 00:38:05,216 --> 00:38:10,211 Anyway, so I go to find her, and she's not there and I go up to her friend Rona... 650 00:38:10,388 --> 00:38:12,721 ...and I said, "Rona, do you know where my grandmother is?" 651 00:38:12,890 --> 00:38:18,295 She goes "I don't know, darling, but I'll let her know you're looking for her... 652 00:38:20,598 --> 00:38:22,066 ...trust fund." 653 00:38:22,233 --> 00:38:23,724 Anyway, so... 654 00:38:23,901 --> 00:38:28,396 ...I walk away, and I hear her yell out in the middle of the card room: 655 00:38:28,572 --> 00:38:34,102 "That's Bee Fobman's granddaughter. She's a lesbian magician." 656 00:38:35,813 --> 00:38:38,282 You know what I did? I fucked her and made her disappear. 657 00:38:38,449 --> 00:38:39,678 Isn't that amazing? 658 00:38:40,584 --> 00:38:43,486 You guys are awesome. Don't clap. It'll never fill the hole. 659 00:38:43,654 --> 00:38:46,419 Look who's here. Oh, my God. 660 00:38:46,590 --> 00:38:50,823 It's Jackie Burke. Jackie Burke's in the crowd. 661 00:38:50,995 --> 00:38:54,932 That is... I have not seen you in so long. 662 00:38:55,099 --> 00:38:58,661 Isn't it adorable when celebrities bring their hookers to the club? 663 00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:00,930 Isn't that amazing? Isn't that awesome? 664 00:39:01,105 --> 00:39:03,074 What did he do to get you here? 665 00:39:05,710 --> 00:39:09,511 That he would buy me an ass... Ice-cream cone. 666 00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:11,706 "Ass cream" is amazing. 667 00:39:11,882 --> 00:39:13,373 That's so cute. 668 00:39:13,584 --> 00:39:17,214 I tasted ass cream, and it is so delicious. 669 00:39:17,388 --> 00:39:18,822 There's all kinds of flavors. 670 00:39:18,989 --> 00:39:22,221 What kind of flavor ass cream would you get if you...? 671 00:39:22,393 --> 00:39:25,989 You need to be careful because those sprinkles will be roofies. 672 00:39:27,798 --> 00:39:31,360 Trust me, I know. I was very sore after that night. 673 00:39:31,535 --> 00:39:34,835 You're giving away my secret, Jess. After everything I've done for you. 674 00:39:35,005 --> 00:39:38,100 I was there for you when you were starting out as a young man. 675 00:39:42,046 --> 00:39:43,878 I always had a bigger dick though. 676 00:39:44,915 --> 00:39:46,645 I did. Always. 677 00:39:46,817 --> 00:39:48,911 No, you don't. No, you don't. 678 00:39:49,353 --> 00:39:53,188 Wait, wait. You know what, Jess? You're right. Your cock is huge. 679 00:39:54,492 --> 00:39:58,224 So I wanna tell you guys something. It's so good to see Jackie. 680 00:39:58,396 --> 00:40:02,060 Because Jackie is really my mentor. I was opening for him one night... 681 00:40:02,233 --> 00:40:04,168 I mean, comedy. I was opening comedy. 682 00:40:05,836 --> 00:40:08,237 Yeah. We did a Jewish country-club gig. 683 00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:09,567 No. It was Italian. 684 00:40:09,740 --> 00:40:12,175 No. It wasn't Italian. It was Jewish. They were Jews. 685 00:40:12,343 --> 00:40:14,744 I went in the men's room. Believe me, it was Italian. 686 00:40:16,747 --> 00:40:19,012 A lot of calzones. 687 00:40:20,451 --> 00:40:24,013 - Give him a hand. He's incredible. - My pleasure. 688 00:40:24,722 --> 00:40:28,955 You suck in bed, but you're such a great guy and a great comic. 689 00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:32,790 That was amazing. That was so much fun. I feel like I'm high. 690 00:40:32,963 --> 00:40:37,367 You were so funny. That was... You're so much funnier than Eddie. 691 00:40:37,535 --> 00:40:41,597 You're so quick, and, like, do you come up with all that on the spot? 692 00:40:41,772 --> 00:40:43,400 Sometimes. Yeah. 693 00:40:43,574 --> 00:40:45,440 That was good. Thank you. 694 00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:47,976 Are you free on Sunday? 695 00:40:48,179 --> 00:40:50,045 No. I'm not. I don't... 696 00:40:50,214 --> 00:40:53,309 No, no. I have a wedding that I have to go to. My niece's wedding. 697 00:40:53,484 --> 00:40:55,453 I don't wanna go... I don't wanna go alone. 698 00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:58,555 I thought, maybe, if you went, you could be my wingman. 699 00:40:58,722 --> 00:41:01,817 - We could have a few laughs. - Okay. 700 00:41:01,992 --> 00:41:03,051 - Really? - Yeah. 701 00:41:03,227 --> 00:41:04,661 - You're free on Sunday? - Yeah. 702 00:41:04,829 --> 00:41:06,730 What, you have no life? 703 00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:09,324 - But you have to do me a favor. - What's that? 704 00:41:09,500 --> 00:41:12,629 My dad's birthday's on Monday, and... 705 00:41:12,803 --> 00:41:15,796 ...he asked me for a birthday gift, and you're it. 706 00:41:16,273 --> 00:41:17,639 Do I have to? 707 00:41:17,808 --> 00:41:19,174 Yeah. 708 00:41:19,343 --> 00:41:20,572 - Okay, okay. - Deal? 709 00:41:20,744 --> 00:41:22,576 - Deal. - Okay. 710 00:41:22,746 --> 00:41:25,983 That was fun. I loved that. 711 00:41:40,865 --> 00:41:43,096 - Thank you. - I appreciate you doing this. 712 00:41:43,267 --> 00:41:44,667 Remember, this is family. 713 00:41:44,835 --> 00:41:46,827 I need 20 more cases of champagne. 714 00:41:47,638 --> 00:41:49,004 Mr. Jackie Burke. 715 00:41:49,173 --> 00:41:51,165 Your brother asked me to wait for you. 716 00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:53,004 - You're late. It's already started. - Come on. Hurry. 717 00:41:53,177 --> 00:41:55,612 They haven't done the glass-breaking yet, have they? 718 00:41:55,779 --> 00:41:57,975 The glass-breaking part is my favorite part. 719 00:41:58,148 --> 00:42:01,175 The ceremony was an hour ago. We are about to present the brides. 720 00:42:01,352 --> 00:42:02,877 Shit. 721 00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:05,990 Nice dress. Too bad they didn't have it in your size. 722 00:42:06,457 --> 00:42:09,621 - How do you get in and out of that thing? - None of your business. 723 00:42:09,793 --> 00:42:12,228 - Come on. - Everybody, inside. Inside now. 724 00:42:12,396 --> 00:42:14,024 Please. 725 00:42:14,565 --> 00:42:19,970 Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor to present to you the newlyweds. 726 00:42:20,137 --> 00:42:24,507 The Berkowitz-Nelsons: spouses for life. 727 00:42:25,309 --> 00:42:27,039 Everybody stand up. Stand up. 728 00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:31,842 And for their first dance, they've prepared something special for you. 729 00:42:55,339 --> 00:42:56,898 Come on, guys! 730 00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:19,526 Hey, you came. 731 00:43:19,697 --> 00:43:22,565 - Congratulations. - Thank you. 732 00:43:24,335 --> 00:43:26,930 This is my brother, Jimmy. Harmony. 733 00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:28,629 Hi. 734 00:43:28,839 --> 00:43:30,535 You never cease to amaze me. 735 00:43:30,708 --> 00:43:32,540 Very nice. 736 00:43:35,579 --> 00:43:37,639 - This is my wife, Florence. - Hi. 737 00:43:37,848 --> 00:43:41,580 - This is Harmony, Jackie's friend. - Congratulations. Thanks for having me. 738 00:43:41,752 --> 00:43:44,586 Nice to meet you, and thank you for coming. 739 00:43:44,755 --> 00:43:48,590 Uncle Jackie! Oh, my God, you came. 740 00:43:48,759 --> 00:43:51,319 Uncle Jackie, this is my wife, Frankie. 741 00:43:51,495 --> 00:43:54,329 - Nice to meet you. Congratulations. - My Uncle Jackie. 742 00:43:54,498 --> 00:43:56,126 - Hi. - Welcome to our family. 743 00:43:56,300 --> 00:43:59,134 You can come meet our friends. Meet our friends. 744 00:43:59,303 --> 00:44:02,068 Come on. Guys, guys. 745 00:44:02,673 --> 00:44:05,108 This is my Uncle Jackie. 746 00:44:06,977 --> 00:44:11,915 This is such a nice wedding, and your daughter, she's beautiful. 747 00:44:12,082 --> 00:44:13,243 Beautiful dress. 748 00:44:13,417 --> 00:44:14,976 Kleinfeld's. 749 00:44:15,519 --> 00:44:17,181 And Frankie has a different one. 750 00:44:17,921 --> 00:44:20,823 - Yeah. - They're partners, not twins. 751 00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:22,960 Flo, Flo. 752 00:44:27,131 --> 00:44:29,123 Have you known Jackie long? 753 00:44:29,299 --> 00:44:31,325 How did you meet? 754 00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:34,438 I picked him up at the homeless shelter. 755 00:44:34,605 --> 00:44:36,870 - Are you gonna talk? - Florence, Florence. 756 00:44:37,041 --> 00:44:38,304 - Florence. - I'm so sorry. 757 00:44:38,475 --> 00:44:41,673 - Come on. You gotta make us laugh. - Please. That would be so great. 758 00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:45,009 - You're gonna say a few words, right? - I'm just here as a guest. 759 00:44:45,182 --> 00:44:48,346 - Just as a guest. - Please. Come on. It would be so great. 760 00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:50,647 Ask your parents. I don't wanna deal with a... 761 00:44:50,821 --> 00:44:53,723 - We don't want it to become a thing. - He doesn't want to. He's a guest. 762 00:44:53,924 --> 00:44:57,053 If she's gonna make a thing out of it, then it's gonna be a disaster. 763 00:44:57,227 --> 00:45:01,665 No. For me, for me. You gotta. Please? For us. 764 00:45:01,832 --> 00:45:03,664 Come on. It's my wedding. 765 00:45:06,437 --> 00:45:07,496 Okay. 766 00:45:10,674 --> 00:45:12,666 Thank you! 767 00:45:19,683 --> 00:45:21,549 Come on, guys. 768 00:45:37,601 --> 00:45:39,229 - Come on. Let's go. - No, no. 769 00:45:39,403 --> 00:45:41,736 - Come on. - I think I'm coming down with something. 770 00:45:41,905 --> 00:45:45,000 - You're not coming down with something. - I get nervous up there. Dizzy. 771 00:45:45,175 --> 00:45:47,076 - I get dizzy. - To dance? 772 00:45:54,852 --> 00:45:56,013 Come on. Come on. 773 00:45:56,186 --> 00:45:57,245 Come on. 774 00:45:57,421 --> 00:45:59,049 Come on, you. You chicken! 775 00:45:59,223 --> 00:46:01,419 - Come on. - No. I don't do physical comedy. 776 00:46:01,592 --> 00:46:03,185 - You dance. - I'm gonna take her. 777 00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:06,194 - Take her. Don't steal her. - Take me. 778 00:46:06,363 --> 00:46:09,197 Come on. Come on. 779 00:46:21,278 --> 00:46:22,610 Dance with me, beautiful. 780 00:46:28,018 --> 00:46:29,077 Who's the shiksa? 781 00:46:32,055 --> 00:46:33,580 Dance. 782 00:46:37,394 --> 00:46:39,329 You should be worried, Jackie. 783 00:46:50,841 --> 00:46:52,810 Please. Everyone stand back. 784 00:46:52,976 --> 00:46:54,410 Are you all right? 785 00:46:54,578 --> 00:46:56,570 - Are you okay? - Inhale. Exhale. 786 00:46:56,747 --> 00:46:58,978 - Hey. - Hey, let go. 787 00:46:59,149 --> 00:47:02,586 It's not my heart we are worried about. Get up, you old letch. 788 00:47:02,753 --> 00:47:04,483 Okay. Come on. 789 00:47:23,073 --> 00:47:24,097 That was fun. 790 00:47:24,274 --> 00:47:27,870 - Yeah. Well, you're having a good time. - You should've done it. You're not sick. 791 00:47:28,946 --> 00:47:31,006 - Little shits. - Don't push me! 792 00:47:31,181 --> 00:47:32,774 No maternal instinct? 793 00:47:32,950 --> 00:47:35,579 No. My maternal instinct kicks in when I'm 70. 794 00:47:36,353 --> 00:47:38,117 When you're 70? 795 00:47:38,655 --> 00:47:40,351 Were you ever married? 796 00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:42,789 - No. - No? 797 00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,223 Never...? 798 00:47:44,394 --> 00:47:47,523 Seems very unusual that a girl like you is not attached. 799 00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:51,157 I've been attached. It's just never stuck. 800 00:47:51,335 --> 00:47:52,894 You have more questions? 801 00:47:53,103 --> 00:47:56,540 Hi, can I have your attention, everybody? 802 00:47:58,141 --> 00:48:00,110 - Thank you. - Brittany. 803 00:48:00,711 --> 00:48:02,805 Frankie and I wanna welcome you... 804 00:48:02,980 --> 00:48:05,142 - ...all here tonight. - We love you, Frankie. 805 00:48:05,315 --> 00:48:08,376 You can't imagine how happy I am you all came to share... 806 00:48:08,552 --> 00:48:10,316 - ...this day with us. - She seems nice. 807 00:48:10,487 --> 00:48:11,716 I don't know her that well. 808 00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:17,351 You may have noticed my uncle, Jackie Burke, is here. 809 00:48:18,495 --> 00:48:23,263 Some of you may recognize him as Eddie from Eddie's Home. 810 00:48:24,401 --> 00:48:26,199 Eddie! 811 00:48:27,204 --> 00:48:29,230 But I've known him my whole life. 812 00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:32,501 I still remember him teaching me dirty jokes as a kid. 813 00:48:32,676 --> 00:48:35,578 Before I could say "Dada," I could say "caca." 814 00:48:36,647 --> 00:48:42,678 He taught me the B word, the S word, the F word. Yeah, all of them. 815 00:48:42,853 --> 00:48:45,789 She already knew the C word. She picked it up on her own. 816 00:48:45,956 --> 00:48:48,892 But, seriously, it means so much to me... 817 00:48:49,059 --> 00:48:52,894 ...that he's here today after way too many years. 818 00:48:53,063 --> 00:48:56,864 So please give a warm welcome to my Uncle Jackie. 819 00:48:57,034 --> 00:49:01,904 - Careful up there. We're outnumbered. - He'll say a few words. Jackie Burke! 820 00:49:04,541 --> 00:49:06,601 - So happy he came. - Here we go. 821 00:49:08,378 --> 00:49:09,573 Thank you, honey. 822 00:49:09,746 --> 00:49:11,544 You know, it's a... 823 00:49:12,082 --> 00:49:16,213 It's an honor being here to celebrate Brittany and Frankie's wedding. 824 00:49:16,386 --> 00:49:17,684 Frankie, right? Not Butch? 825 00:49:20,390 --> 00:49:22,723 How long till the divorce? 826 00:49:22,893 --> 00:49:25,658 Same-sex divorce is the latest thing, you know? 827 00:49:25,829 --> 00:49:29,061 What the fuck is this place anyway? The Titanic? What is this? 828 00:49:29,232 --> 00:49:31,167 Look at these fucking chandeliers. 829 00:49:31,335 --> 00:49:32,803 Jesus. 830 00:49:33,136 --> 00:49:36,004 These chairs aren't tall enough. What's this? 831 00:49:37,574 --> 00:49:38,769 And I wanna thank... 832 00:49:38,942 --> 00:49:42,743 Seriously, I wanna thank Flo and Jimmy for inviting me to this beautiful occasion. 833 00:49:42,913 --> 00:49:44,939 - Yeah. Thanks for coming. - Really is. 834 00:49:45,115 --> 00:49:47,311 And all the other family members... 835 00:49:47,484 --> 00:49:49,476 ...many of whom I thought were dead. 836 00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:52,851 Most of whom I hoped were dead. 837 00:49:53,023 --> 00:49:55,857 Oh, boy. Nobody can fuck you up like family. That's for sure. 838 00:49:56,026 --> 00:49:57,756 - We're in trouble. - He knows. 839 00:49:57,928 --> 00:50:01,160 You know, I had a troubled childhood. 840 00:50:01,331 --> 00:50:04,301 My father molested my brother. Jimmy, I'm just telling one little story. 841 00:50:04,468 --> 00:50:05,800 - Here we go. - Not good. 842 00:50:05,969 --> 00:50:09,497 My father molested my little brother, and the bastard never even touched me. 843 00:50:09,673 --> 00:50:11,266 Never even looked at me. 844 00:50:11,441 --> 00:50:14,843 Do you know what it's like growing up feeling unwanted? 845 00:50:15,012 --> 00:50:18,505 Knowing that your father doesn't find you attractive enough to fondle? 846 00:50:20,250 --> 00:50:21,843 I mean, was it so terrible...? 847 00:50:22,019 --> 00:50:25,820 Would it have been so terrible if he just played with my dick a little? 848 00:50:25,989 --> 00:50:28,686 Just stroked it? You know, wiggled it a little? Something. 849 00:50:28,859 --> 00:50:32,455 He didn't do anything. I felt terrible. I was so rejected. Anyway... 850 00:50:32,629 --> 00:50:35,724 I know we're supposed to pretend there's nothing wrong or unusual... 851 00:50:35,899 --> 00:50:39,631 ...about this event tonight, just another middle-class Jewish wedding. Right? 852 00:50:39,803 --> 00:50:41,362 No. Wrong. 853 00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:45,305 So can I address the 800-pound gorilla in the room? 854 00:50:45,475 --> 00:50:46,568 And that would be... 855 00:50:48,078 --> 00:50:49,137 ...Flo. 856 00:50:50,580 --> 00:50:52,811 Flo, how did you let this happen? 857 00:50:52,983 --> 00:50:56,078 Can't be Jimmy's fault. What have you done to my poor little brother? 858 00:50:56,286 --> 00:51:00,087 He was 6 feet tall when you got married. 859 00:51:00,290 --> 00:51:02,350 Oh, and now Brittany. Oh, no. 860 00:51:02,526 --> 00:51:04,552 You were so concerned about her growing up... 861 00:51:04,728 --> 00:51:08,256 ...to be a Jewish American princess, you didn't even notice... 862 00:51:08,432 --> 00:51:11,834 ...that she was turning out to be a Jewish American prince. 863 00:51:16,873 --> 00:51:19,866 - The shame that she brought all of us... - Will you stop this? 864 00:51:20,043 --> 00:51:22,342 ...by marrying a non-Jew. 865 00:51:22,512 --> 00:51:25,346 - Well, that's me. - What did you do, Flo? 866 00:51:25,849 --> 00:51:27,442 God have mercy on you. 867 00:51:29,052 --> 00:51:31,681 I'm gonna fucking kill you when we get home. 868 00:51:31,855 --> 00:51:34,723 I have my own special gift to present to the newlyweds. 869 00:51:34,891 --> 00:51:36,587 I've been doing volunteer work... 870 00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:40,060 - ...down at the mission, for the homeless. - He was in jail. 871 00:51:40,230 --> 00:51:42,028 They don't like to be called "bums" anymore. 872 00:51:42,199 --> 00:51:44,896 And they were so moved when I told them about... 873 00:51:45,068 --> 00:51:47,697 ...Brittany and Frankie's reproductive challenges... 874 00:51:47,871 --> 00:51:49,464 ...that they all wanted to help. 875 00:51:49,639 --> 00:51:51,574 So they all got together, each one... 876 00:51:51,741 --> 00:51:54,609 ...and they all contributed to making a very significant... 877 00:51:54,778 --> 00:51:57,976 ...a very thoughtful, a very useful gift: 878 00:51:58,148 --> 00:51:59,446 a pint of semen. 879 00:52:02,919 --> 00:52:06,048 - Thanks, boys. Give them a hand. - Disgusting. 880 00:52:06,223 --> 00:52:07,748 They've worn theirs out. 881 00:52:09,559 --> 00:52:10,788 Oh, my gosh. 882 00:52:11,795 --> 00:52:13,423 James, stop this. 883 00:52:13,597 --> 00:52:16,863 Uncle Jackie would've added a dash and a splash of his own... 884 00:52:17,267 --> 00:52:22,797 ...but that would be incest, and incest, you know, is even worse than being gay. 885 00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:26,735 Boos, really? 886 00:52:26,910 --> 00:52:28,310 Flo likes it. 887 00:52:28,478 --> 00:52:31,607 Apparently, Brittany and I share the same weakness... 888 00:52:31,781 --> 00:52:34,683 ...for wanting to bang beautiful young women. 889 00:52:34,885 --> 00:52:39,585 And yet she turned out to be so normal and I turned out to be so fucked up. 890 00:52:39,756 --> 00:52:41,691 - How did that happen? - You got that right. 891 00:52:41,892 --> 00:52:44,487 I don't know. Maybe it's because... 892 00:52:47,998 --> 00:52:50,968 ...I never met a woman like Frankie, and maybe it's because... 893 00:52:51,134 --> 00:52:55,333 ...I never found a love and happiness... 894 00:52:55,505 --> 00:52:58,100 ...that Brittany and Frankie have found with each other. 895 00:53:20,230 --> 00:53:23,359 Come on. Let's make a run for it before they lynch us. 896 00:53:24,701 --> 00:53:26,966 - I've never seen anything like that. - Me neither. 897 00:53:27,137 --> 00:53:29,470 You just can't help yourself, can you? 898 00:53:29,639 --> 00:53:31,665 This low-life motherfucking brother of yours. 899 00:53:31,841 --> 00:53:34,902 Takes a dump at our kid's wedding, and that's all you're gonna say? 900 00:53:35,078 --> 00:53:38,708 What do you want me to say? We let him up there. You know what he does. 901 00:53:38,882 --> 00:53:44,583 Brittany asked him to be Jackie Burke, so I don't know why you're yelling at him. 902 00:53:44,754 --> 00:53:46,518 Who the fuck are you to talk to me like that? 903 00:53:46,690 --> 00:53:48,318 - Flo... - Who invited you... 904 00:53:48,491 --> 00:53:50,483 ...with your no-underwear dress? 905 00:53:50,660 --> 00:53:52,026 - This is not... - Go. Please. 906 00:53:52,195 --> 00:53:53,595 What the fuck is your problem? 907 00:53:53,763 --> 00:53:55,391 I don't have a problem. 908 00:53:55,565 --> 00:53:59,559 Don't yell at me. Don't comment on my dress. Look at your fucking dress. 909 00:53:59,736 --> 00:54:01,568 - My dress is beautiful. - It's time to cut the cake. 910 00:54:01,738 --> 00:54:03,104 - Fuck you. - Fuck you back. 911 00:54:03,273 --> 00:54:05,902 Fuck you back. Fuck you back. 912 00:54:06,076 --> 00:54:08,272 It's time to cut the cake. 913 00:54:08,478 --> 00:54:11,573 - It's time to cut the cake. - You're lucky I don't get my brothers... 914 00:54:11,748 --> 00:54:15,879 ...to cut your nut sack off before you hit the tunnel! 915 00:54:16,052 --> 00:54:18,954 - What's the problem? The kids loved it. - Come on. Let me at him. 916 00:54:19,122 --> 00:54:21,591 - Come on. Let me at him. - Stupid bitch! 917 00:54:22,525 --> 00:54:24,585 - You're the mother... - Oh, shut up! 918 00:54:24,761 --> 00:54:27,731 - Let me go. - I'll see you again, in hell, motherfucker! 919 00:54:27,897 --> 00:54:31,026 - You are a beast! - Okay. Just calm down. 920 00:54:31,601 --> 00:54:36,539 "You're lucky my brothers don't cut your nut sack off before you get to the tunnel." 921 00:54:36,706 --> 00:54:37,867 She's a nut case. 922 00:54:38,041 --> 00:54:40,067 She's amazing. I love her. 923 00:54:40,243 --> 00:54:43,213 That's what I get for doing something nice for my brother's kid. 924 00:54:43,380 --> 00:54:44,780 - That was so much fun. - Family. 925 00:54:44,948 --> 00:54:47,076 Tomorrow night's your turn. 926 00:55:05,735 --> 00:55:07,226 - Hi. - Hi. 927 00:55:07,404 --> 00:55:09,964 - Thanks for doing this. - No problem. 928 00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:12,332 You okay? 929 00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:15,108 You look beautiful. 930 00:55:15,612 --> 00:55:17,103 You know this joint's famous. 931 00:55:17,280 --> 00:55:20,739 Back in '85, Big Paulie Castellano got whacked right here on this sidewalk. 932 00:55:20,917 --> 00:55:22,476 Yeah. Paulie was a friend of my dad's. 933 00:55:23,853 --> 00:55:25,913 I'm taking you with me. 934 00:55:28,591 --> 00:55:29,957 Hi. 935 00:55:31,127 --> 00:55:32,322 That's him right there. 936 00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:34,430 Oh, you're with Mr. Schiltz. 937 00:55:47,577 --> 00:55:50,206 Oh, my God, are you kidding me? Is this who I think it is? 938 00:55:50,380 --> 00:55:51,507 Is it Eddie? 939 00:55:51,681 --> 00:55:54,048 I think it's Eddie, but it's Jackie. 940 00:55:54,217 --> 00:55:57,016 It's Eddie. My baby. 941 00:55:57,187 --> 00:56:01,784 Boy, you did it this time. What a birthday surprise. 942 00:56:01,958 --> 00:56:03,859 "Arlene." 943 00:56:04,994 --> 00:56:06,018 Thank you. 944 00:56:06,196 --> 00:56:09,894 Thank you, Eddie, for all the countless laughs. Thank you. 945 00:56:10,100 --> 00:56:13,662 Happy birthday. And I just wanna... It's Jackie, by the way. 946 00:56:15,338 --> 00:56:17,637 I've enjoyed you so much. 947 00:56:17,807 --> 00:56:20,242 Look at that punim. Look at it. 948 00:56:21,811 --> 00:56:23,803 In fact, so much, I can do you. 949 00:56:23,980 --> 00:56:25,175 - I can. - You can? 950 00:56:25,348 --> 00:56:26,543 - Did she tell you? - No. No. 951 00:56:26,716 --> 00:56:27,911 Yeah. He can do you. 952 00:56:28,118 --> 00:56:31,213 I've been doing you in the bathroom and at parties for decades. 953 00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:34,153 You must have a better manager than I do. 954 00:56:35,325 --> 00:56:37,055 Sit. Sit. 955 00:56:37,227 --> 00:56:38,855 Sit. 956 00:56:39,028 --> 00:56:44,626 - Gino. Ring the register. Eddie's here. - Copy that, Mr. Schiltz. 957 00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:47,166 Jesus, I don't believe this. 958 00:56:47,337 --> 00:56:49,568 What a birthday present. 959 00:56:50,206 --> 00:56:52,232 - What are you drinking? - Chivas on the rocks. 960 00:56:52,409 --> 00:56:55,277 - For you? - My baby drinks martinis. 961 00:56:55,912 --> 00:56:57,005 Hey. 962 00:56:57,180 --> 00:57:03,017 How about giving us one big "Arlene, where are you?" 963 00:57:03,186 --> 00:57:04,210 Do it. Come on. 964 00:57:04,387 --> 00:57:05,787 - Dad. No. - Do I have to? 965 00:57:05,955 --> 00:57:07,253 Yeah. For my birthday. 966 00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:08,619 Come on. Please. 967 00:57:08,792 --> 00:57:10,192 Come on. I don't wanna do it. 968 00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:12,727 - Come on. Once. - Dad, don't. 969 00:57:14,030 --> 00:57:19,128 Hey, I don't expect anyone to work for free. 970 00:57:19,302 --> 00:57:21,430 No, no, no. No, what are you doing? No. 971 00:57:21,604 --> 00:57:22,765 - What? - Sorry. No. 972 00:57:22,939 --> 00:57:24,737 - Put it away. Don't do that. - Put what? 973 00:57:24,908 --> 00:57:28,242 - Sorry. - No. You misunderstand. 974 00:57:28,411 --> 00:57:30,607 Eddie, I don't mean to embarrass you. 975 00:57:30,780 --> 00:57:34,273 I'll tell you what. Let me do it. Let me do you. I got you down. 976 00:57:34,451 --> 00:57:35,749 I'll pay you not to. 977 00:57:36,719 --> 00:57:37,743 That's funny... 978 00:57:37,921 --> 00:57:40,083 ...but you don't wanna get into a pissing contest with me about money. 979 00:57:40,256 --> 00:57:42,782 Come on, let's have some fun. This is me respecting you. 980 00:57:42,959 --> 00:57:44,621 You're my favorite. 981 00:57:44,794 --> 00:57:49,892 "Arlene, whose vibrator is this? 982 00:57:51,234 --> 00:57:54,500 Did you take the batteries out of the smoke alarm again?" 983 00:57:56,840 --> 00:57:58,900 Okay. Show's over. 984 00:57:59,642 --> 00:58:01,076 - Thank you. - Sure. 985 00:58:01,244 --> 00:58:03,076 Cheers. Happy birthday. 986 00:58:03,246 --> 00:58:05,909 - Happy birthday, Mac. - Thank you, Eddie. 987 00:58:06,749 --> 00:58:08,274 Jackie. 988 00:58:10,019 --> 00:58:13,114 How was my timing? Give me some input. 989 00:58:14,457 --> 00:58:15,948 I thought you were me for a second. 990 00:58:16,125 --> 00:58:18,321 Try doing it while drinking a glass of water. 991 00:58:23,166 --> 00:58:25,931 - Have a drink. - God, you were great. You were great. 992 00:58:26,102 --> 00:58:29,095 Drink some more. It'll make it easier. 993 00:58:31,541 --> 00:58:32,975 So how did you two meet? 994 00:58:33,676 --> 00:58:37,841 We do our community service together down at the Apostle Soup Kitchen. 995 00:58:38,014 --> 00:58:39,038 Right. 996 00:58:39,249 --> 00:58:41,343 You don't have to worry about that anymore. 997 00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:43,817 I got them to transfer your hours to Florida. 998 00:58:43,987 --> 00:58:45,615 I thought we talked about that. 999 00:58:45,788 --> 00:58:47,279 Remember, we talked about that. 1000 00:58:47,457 --> 00:58:49,483 Because I'm not sure if I wanna go back. 1001 00:58:49,659 --> 00:58:51,958 But you don't know where you wanna go. 1002 00:58:52,128 --> 00:58:54,188 She's always been such a mamzer. 1003 00:58:54,697 --> 00:58:56,632 I'm at the table. I'm still sitting here. 1004 00:58:56,799 --> 00:58:59,200 - Here at the table. - It's done. I chartered a plane. 1005 00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:00,564 We're leaving tomorrow. 1006 00:59:00,770 --> 00:59:03,262 Noon. Teterboro. 1007 00:59:03,673 --> 00:59:04,971 What's in Florida? 1008 00:59:05,141 --> 00:59:07,667 I own this retirement community in Delray Beach. 1009 00:59:07,844 --> 00:59:10,678 We help the elderly to live out their lives with some dignity. 1010 00:59:10,847 --> 00:59:13,407 I'd like to pass through this dinner with some dignity. 1011 00:59:14,817 --> 00:59:17,582 She's great with the old people. She's got a magic touch. 1012 00:59:18,054 --> 00:59:19,784 Well, she's a wonderful person. 1013 00:59:20,823 --> 00:59:24,919 It's okay, honey. When you come back from Florida, we'll find our place to live. 1014 00:59:25,094 --> 00:59:26,084 - What? - What? 1015 00:59:26,296 --> 00:59:27,559 We're moving in together. 1016 00:59:27,730 --> 00:59:29,995 Is it okay if I call you "Dad"? 1017 00:59:32,835 --> 00:59:35,327 You're a funny man, but this is my daughter. 1018 00:59:35,505 --> 00:59:37,667 Yeah, I know. Every daughter has a mother... 1019 00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:40,435 ...every mother has a daughter. The girl that left before... 1020 00:59:40,610 --> 00:59:43,170 ...probably has a grandmother or a grandfather. 1021 00:59:43,346 --> 00:59:45,008 Harmony's my daughter. 1022 00:59:45,181 --> 00:59:47,616 She's not the punch line for somebody's jokes. 1023 00:59:47,784 --> 00:59:50,913 And when you look at my daughter and the way she's looking at you... 1024 00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:52,851 I'm not. What are you talking about? 1025 00:59:53,022 --> 00:59:54,718 I wanna know your expectations. 1026 00:59:54,891 --> 00:59:56,883 - My expectations? - Expectations. 1027 00:59:57,060 --> 00:59:58,551 Yeah. 1028 00:59:59,062 --> 01:00:01,531 To fuck her brains out. After that, we'll see. 1029 01:00:12,442 --> 01:00:13,740 You know... 1030 01:00:13,910 --> 01:00:15,640 ...I'm a sucker for an honest man. 1031 01:00:15,845 --> 01:00:18,781 And I'm a sucker for a girl that has daddy issues. 1032 01:00:18,948 --> 01:00:22,112 Okay. So you go to the bar, and I'll meet you there in a minute. 1033 01:00:22,285 --> 01:00:25,312 Sure. It's been a terrific crowd. Nice to meet you, Pops. 1034 01:00:25,488 --> 01:00:27,389 Happy birthday. 1035 01:00:29,425 --> 01:00:32,224 Don't tell me you're interested in that schmuck. 1036 01:00:32,395 --> 01:00:36,958 Okay. If you had listened at all and shut your mouth for one second... 1037 01:00:37,133 --> 01:00:39,762 ...you would know that I wasn't interested in him at all. 1038 01:00:39,936 --> 01:00:41,564 But you don't ever shut up. 1039 01:00:41,738 --> 01:00:43,730 You don't ever shut up. You're unbelievable. 1040 01:00:43,906 --> 01:00:46,137 - Where are you going? - Unbelievable. I'm leaving. 1041 01:00:46,309 --> 01:00:47,641 Wait a second. Wait a second. 1042 01:00:47,810 --> 01:00:49,642 - He's an asshole. Let him go. - You are. 1043 01:00:49,812 --> 01:00:50,836 I'll take care of him. 1044 01:00:51,014 --> 01:00:53,347 You're not gonna take care of him. No. 1045 01:00:53,516 --> 01:00:54,814 You're being the asshole. 1046 01:00:54,984 --> 01:00:57,419 Don't embarrass me like that in front of people. 1047 01:00:57,587 --> 01:00:59,419 - That's humiliating. - I humiliated you? 1048 01:00:59,589 --> 01:01:02,081 That was humiliating. Don't talk about me like that... 1049 01:01:02,258 --> 01:01:05,126 - ...in front of people. I have self-respect. - Where's your self-respect? 1050 01:01:05,294 --> 01:01:06,523 - I am not doing this... - Go. 1051 01:01:06,696 --> 01:01:09,530 ...in a restaurant with you. I'll see you at Teterboro. 1052 01:01:09,699 --> 01:01:11,531 Happy birthday. 1053 01:01:13,469 --> 01:01:16,337 Come on. I need about 10 drinks. 1054 01:01:26,049 --> 01:01:27,847 Arlene. 1055 01:01:28,618 --> 01:01:30,109 Arlene. 1056 01:01:30,286 --> 01:01:31,811 - That was good. - Was that good? 1057 01:01:31,988 --> 01:01:33,456 That was good. Very good. 1058 01:01:33,623 --> 01:01:38,561 You should've seen the look on your face when Mac said, "Arlene... Arl..." 1059 01:01:38,728 --> 01:01:40,287 Wait. Wait. 1060 01:01:40,463 --> 01:01:42,989 - Wait. What? - Arlene. 1061 01:01:43,966 --> 01:01:45,798 Welcome. 1062 01:01:47,136 --> 01:01:48,968 This is nice. 1063 01:01:49,138 --> 01:01:51,835 If you don't get murdered on the street before you get in. 1064 01:01:52,008 --> 01:01:54,500 They're artists. Not murderers. 1065 01:01:54,677 --> 01:01:56,509 - You want some bourbon? - Sure. Sure. 1066 01:01:56,679 --> 01:01:58,511 I think these artists got guns. 1067 01:01:58,681 --> 01:01:59,876 Sure you wanna leave? 1068 01:02:00,049 --> 01:02:02,018 I have to. I'm on parole. 1069 01:02:02,185 --> 01:02:04,416 I can't fight my dad and his expensive lawyer. 1070 01:02:04,587 --> 01:02:06,146 I don't have that kind of money. 1071 01:02:06,322 --> 01:02:07,847 I'm moving to the Sunshine State. 1072 01:02:08,024 --> 01:02:09,822 - You want some? - Make it a double. 1073 01:02:09,992 --> 01:02:13,087 I'm gonna be up all night packing all this stuff. 1074 01:02:13,262 --> 01:02:16,198 Why pack now? Relax. Here. 1075 01:02:16,766 --> 01:02:18,166 Cheers. 1076 01:02:22,338 --> 01:02:24,398 I mean, I think Florida will be good. 1077 01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:27,043 I love working with the elderly people. 1078 01:02:27,210 --> 01:02:29,111 They like me, and I'm good at it. 1079 01:02:29,278 --> 01:02:32,009 And it seems like Florida has a lot to offer. 1080 01:02:32,181 --> 01:02:35,583 Yeah. Like what? Besides skin cancer. 1081 01:02:36,853 --> 01:02:38,219 You know what I loved? 1082 01:02:39,489 --> 01:02:42,516 I loved that you pissed off Mac tonight. That was great. 1083 01:02:42,692 --> 01:02:45,252 He's a difficult person. I can see that. I mean... 1084 01:02:45,428 --> 01:02:48,023 But you gotta tell him back. You gotta talk back to him. 1085 01:02:48,197 --> 01:02:49,893 - Talk back to him? - Yeah. Talk back. 1086 01:02:50,066 --> 01:02:51,193 - And say? - You gotta say: 1087 01:02:51,367 --> 01:02:55,099 "Dad, don't talk to me that way. Stop this. Stop being crazy." 1088 01:02:55,271 --> 01:02:56,295 Yeah. Right. 1089 01:02:56,506 --> 01:02:58,372 - He'll listen and respect you. - No, he won't. 1090 01:02:58,541 --> 01:03:00,942 He might be upset, but he'll respect you. 1091 01:03:01,110 --> 01:03:04,205 Can you imagine? Yeah. He's a good listener. 1092 01:03:04,614 --> 01:03:05,809 And your mother? 1093 01:03:06,649 --> 01:03:09,278 My mother, she... My mother... 1094 01:03:09,452 --> 01:03:10,784 This is a true story. 1095 01:03:10,953 --> 01:03:12,649 My mother... 1096 01:03:12,822 --> 01:03:15,951 ...when I was 4, went to the market... 1097 01:03:16,125 --> 01:03:18,287 ...and then she never came home. 1098 01:03:18,461 --> 01:03:21,226 - Really, she never came home? - Never came home. 1099 01:03:21,397 --> 01:03:25,562 And Mac never explained what happened. 1100 01:03:25,735 --> 01:03:28,899 I don't... Why would she do that? 1101 01:03:29,071 --> 01:03:30,903 You were 4 years old. 1102 01:03:31,073 --> 01:03:32,974 And, you know, it wasn't your fault. 1103 01:03:33,142 --> 01:03:35,304 - Yeah. - Well, she was married to your father. 1104 01:03:35,478 --> 01:03:38,915 I mean, I met the guy for 15, 20 minutes, and I wanted to leave. 1105 01:03:39,081 --> 01:03:41,573 You think that's why she didn't come back? 1106 01:03:41,751 --> 01:03:43,185 - Well, I know that's why. - Maybe. 1107 01:03:43,352 --> 01:03:47,813 I mean, your father's a prick, but at the same time, your father's there. 1108 01:03:47,990 --> 01:03:49,481 You know, I... 1109 01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:51,184 In... 1110 01:03:52,995 --> 01:03:54,930 When I was... 1111 01:03:55,598 --> 01:03:57,590 ...a lot younger, I was... 1112 01:03:57,767 --> 01:04:00,498 ...not around a lot, and I wasn't there for my son. 1113 01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:02,866 - You had a son? - Yeah. 1114 01:04:03,272 --> 01:04:07,642 Well, I had one son, and he died. He passed away. 1115 01:04:10,446 --> 01:04:12,005 I'm sorry. 1116 01:04:12,181 --> 01:04:13,706 Yeah. 1117 01:04:14,283 --> 01:04:15,774 It was an overdose. 1118 01:04:17,119 --> 01:04:20,214 His mother and I weren't there for him. It was a toxic relationship. 1119 01:04:20,389 --> 01:04:21,789 I was always on the road. 1120 01:04:21,958 --> 01:04:25,292 Probably avoiding the whole situation. I was young. I was stupid. 1121 01:04:25,461 --> 01:04:29,296 I can't give an excuse. I have no reason to say anything except that I was wrong. 1122 01:04:29,465 --> 01:04:32,867 And I didn't accept the responsibility. I didn't do what I should've done. 1123 01:04:33,035 --> 01:04:35,470 You know? And what do I do? I make jokes about it. 1124 01:04:35,638 --> 01:04:40,042 I'm a comedian. I make a joke about horrible "mother-wife" jokes. 1125 01:04:40,209 --> 01:04:41,677 How do you...? What do you mean? 1126 01:04:41,844 --> 01:04:43,472 Well, I tell these fucking jokes. 1127 01:04:43,646 --> 01:04:46,639 You know, these horrible my-wife-is-a-bitch jokes. 1128 01:04:46,816 --> 01:04:49,684 - What's a horrible mother and wife? - No. I don't wanna do it. 1129 01:04:49,852 --> 01:04:52,913 Why not? Why not? Come on. 1130 01:04:53,122 --> 01:04:57,059 Wait. What? Tell me. Here. Come on. Okay. Stand up. 1131 01:04:58,394 --> 01:05:00,989 Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Burke. 1132 01:05:01,163 --> 01:05:03,155 - Okay. Go. - Okay. 1133 01:05:03,332 --> 01:05:04,823 Okay. What do you want me to do? 1134 01:05:05,001 --> 01:05:08,267 - What do you wanna do? - Well, you know what I wanna do. 1135 01:05:08,437 --> 01:05:10,668 So, what do I have to do to get what I wanna do? 1136 01:05:11,941 --> 01:05:14,035 I don't know. It depends how funny you are. 1137 01:05:14,443 --> 01:05:16,674 Ladies and gentlemen... 1138 01:05:16,846 --> 01:05:21,375 ...did you hear about the daddy's girl who had sex with a 67-year-old comedian? 1139 01:05:22,551 --> 01:05:25,521 Are you only 67? I thought you were 70. 1140 01:05:25,688 --> 01:05:27,350 No. No, but I do wear a diaper. 1141 01:05:27,523 --> 01:05:30,789 - Oh, cute. That's sexy. - Can you help me change it? 1142 01:05:36,732 --> 01:05:38,701 Come sit down. 1143 01:05:39,101 --> 01:05:40,729 Come here. 1144 01:05:42,371 --> 01:05:44,363 I got out of that one. 1145 01:05:45,241 --> 01:05:48,211 This is not what I wanna be doing. Stand-up tonight. 1146 01:05:48,377 --> 01:05:49,868 You're really good. 1147 01:05:50,046 --> 01:05:52,914 You're really funny, and you're really cute. 1148 01:05:53,749 --> 01:05:56,617 This is just something I wanna do. Okay? 1149 01:05:56,786 --> 01:05:58,220 It doesn't mean anything. 1150 01:05:58,387 --> 01:05:59,912 It doesn't? 1151 01:06:01,090 --> 01:06:04,788 Well, then you have to be gentle because it's my first time. 1152 01:06:05,761 --> 01:06:07,753 And you're not gonna spend the night. 1153 01:06:07,930 --> 01:06:08,954 - I'm not? - No. 1154 01:06:09,131 --> 01:06:12,966 What am I supposed to do, leave my dick here and pick it up in the morning? 1155 01:07:28,577 --> 01:07:30,170 Chow mein? 1156 01:07:32,648 --> 01:07:33,843 Fuck you. 1157 01:07:34,016 --> 01:07:36,383 "Fuck you." That's good too. 1158 01:07:41,524 --> 01:07:44,153 - Hold it. Thank you. - Good afternoon, Friar Crystal. 1159 01:07:44,326 --> 01:07:45,885 - Good to see you. - Nice to see you. 1160 01:07:46,062 --> 01:07:47,496 - Jackie. You're out. - Billy. 1161 01:07:47,663 --> 01:07:50,064 - I'm out. - Yeah. Good. 1162 01:07:53,069 --> 01:07:55,334 Must've been strange, huh? 1163 01:07:56,005 --> 01:07:58,338 - Interesting. - Yeah. 1164 01:07:59,608 --> 01:08:02,203 Maximum security, I'm guessing. 1165 01:08:02,378 --> 01:08:03,869 - Yeah. - Really? 1166 01:08:04,046 --> 01:08:05,514 Kind of. 1167 01:08:07,616 --> 01:08:09,209 Roommate? 1168 01:08:10,753 --> 01:08:11,948 Yeah. 1169 01:08:12,121 --> 01:08:14,750 - You're blushing. - I found love. 1170 01:08:15,558 --> 01:08:17,459 He's a lucky guy. 1171 01:08:17,626 --> 01:08:20,755 All that rain must be tough on your ankle bracelet, huh? 1172 01:08:20,930 --> 01:08:23,297 I'm just kidding. I'm glad you're out. 1173 01:08:23,466 --> 01:08:25,560 I'm glad you're doing okay. 1174 01:08:29,438 --> 01:08:32,033 - Take care of yourself. Yeah. - You too. 1175 01:08:32,208 --> 01:08:33,267 - Yeah. - Work that jab. 1176 01:08:33,442 --> 01:08:35,911 Yeah. Right, asshole. 1177 01:08:38,214 --> 01:08:40,116 What a schmuck. 1178 01:08:48,924 --> 01:08:50,552 Hey, look who's here. 1179 01:08:50,726 --> 01:08:52,319 Hey. 1180 01:08:52,495 --> 01:08:54,930 Hey, look who it is. It's Jackie boy. 1181 01:08:55,097 --> 01:08:56,292 - Jackie. - It's the man. 1182 01:08:56,465 --> 01:08:57,626 Gentlemen. 1183 01:08:57,800 --> 01:09:00,463 - You still funny? - No. I'm doing your jokes now, Dick. 1184 01:09:00,636 --> 01:09:03,731 I heard you're having a rough time. Anything we can do, we're here. 1185 01:09:03,906 --> 01:09:07,934 I appreciate that, D'Angelo. Sure, if I need syphilis, I'll let you know. 1186 01:09:09,178 --> 01:09:12,979 - We still holding a grudge? - No. Are you still doing my jokes, Dick? 1187 01:09:13,149 --> 01:09:15,118 - Only the good bits. - Good. 1188 01:09:15,284 --> 01:09:17,617 Because I'm still doing your ex-wife. 1189 01:09:18,154 --> 01:09:19,884 Some things never change. 1190 01:09:20,689 --> 01:09:23,818 Chivas on the rocks, drop of water for Mr. Burke, please. 1191 01:09:24,827 --> 01:09:26,819 I thought I fired you. 1192 01:09:26,996 --> 01:09:28,464 I've got a possible gig. 1193 01:09:28,631 --> 01:09:32,659 Great. What do I have to do, dress up as Eddie for a children's birthday party? 1194 01:09:33,202 --> 01:09:35,899 Do you want a job, or do you want to be asshole? 1195 01:09:36,539 --> 01:09:37,768 Do I have to choose? 1196 01:09:38,641 --> 01:09:41,668 So I'm the treasurer here. We had a big meeting last night. 1197 01:09:41,844 --> 01:09:44,678 We're having a tribute for May Conner February 1st. 1198 01:09:44,847 --> 01:09:46,679 It's gonna be a big event. TV special. 1199 01:09:46,849 --> 01:09:49,216 Network thinks they're gonna pull 7 million viewers. 1200 01:09:49,418 --> 01:09:50,852 May Conner. 1201 01:09:51,020 --> 01:09:52,454 Love her. 1202 01:09:52,621 --> 01:09:56,058 So D'Angelo is responsible for the programming. He's calling all the shots. 1203 01:09:56,225 --> 01:09:59,354 And as of right now, it's overbooked. 1204 01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:05,032 - Is Billy doing it? - He's not available. 1205 01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:06,794 We're hoping that changes. 1206 01:10:06,969 --> 01:10:09,165 And if that changes, it's not overbooked for him. 1207 01:10:09,338 --> 01:10:11,068 No. Billy Crystal is royalty. 1208 01:10:11,240 --> 01:10:13,300 You are not even a member anymore, Jackie. 1209 01:10:13,475 --> 01:10:16,809 You can't show up every once in a while and expect to be on the dais. 1210 01:10:16,979 --> 01:10:19,471 Okay? You have got to rejoin. 1211 01:10:20,482 --> 01:10:22,508 Kiss the ring, please. Just this once. 1212 01:10:25,187 --> 01:10:27,588 What a fucking shit world this is. 1213 01:10:27,756 --> 01:10:30,351 Hey, Dick, do you have a minute? 1214 01:10:30,526 --> 01:10:32,586 Okay. Okay. 1215 01:10:33,495 --> 01:10:36,761 Listen, I want a good spot on the rotation. I don't wanna go after him. 1216 01:10:36,966 --> 01:10:38,832 This fuck will steal every joke I have. 1217 01:10:39,001 --> 01:10:40,867 You want a spot on May's tribute? 1218 01:10:41,837 --> 01:10:43,100 Yeah. Miller mentioned it. 1219 01:10:43,272 --> 01:10:45,571 Actually, I'd be honored to do it. 1220 01:10:47,710 --> 01:10:49,975 She's a barely-living legend. 1221 01:10:51,280 --> 01:10:55,615 Funny. Well, I'm not saying for sure it's overbooked now, but... 1222 01:10:55,784 --> 01:10:57,844 ...anything is possible. 1223 01:11:00,623 --> 01:11:03,092 Pretty please, Dick? 1224 01:11:03,626 --> 01:11:06,528 Miller told me you're thinking about rejoining. If you did... 1225 01:11:06,695 --> 01:11:10,530 ...that would go a long way, but since I'm also head of the membership committee... 1226 01:11:10,699 --> 01:11:13,100 ...I need to ask you a serious question. 1227 01:11:13,636 --> 01:11:15,696 Is your parole officer joining the club with you? 1228 01:11:15,871 --> 01:11:19,000 Because I can get you a couple's membership. 1229 01:11:19,642 --> 01:11:21,270 Funny. 1230 01:11:24,313 --> 01:11:27,078 You did good. That wasn't so bad now, was it? 1231 01:11:27,249 --> 01:11:29,548 I need a power wash. 1232 01:11:55,077 --> 01:11:56,773 Hi, it's Harmony. Leave a message. 1233 01:11:57,780 --> 01:12:00,181 Hey, Harmony, how are you? It's me. 1234 01:12:00,349 --> 01:12:02,580 Everything okay? I haven't heard from you. 1235 01:12:02,751 --> 01:12:04,811 The boys at the mission are asking about you. 1236 01:12:04,987 --> 01:12:08,424 Tell Mac I said, "Arlene." 1237 01:12:08,590 --> 01:12:10,616 Okay. Get back to me. 1238 01:12:18,467 --> 01:12:20,936 Ms. Conner, how many husbands did you really have? 1239 01:12:21,103 --> 01:12:24,767 Husbands? I can't remember. Were there five of them or seven? 1240 01:12:25,941 --> 01:12:29,343 Okay, everybody, we're gonna take five. Thank you. 1241 01:12:29,511 --> 01:12:32,504 Can we take a break with the pictures? I need a martini. 1242 01:12:32,681 --> 01:12:34,172 May. 1243 01:12:34,783 --> 01:12:36,183 Jackie Burke. 1244 01:12:36,852 --> 01:12:39,287 - Hey, kid. - How you doing? 1245 01:12:39,855 --> 01:12:42,290 What an honor it is to be ripping you a new one... 1246 01:12:42,458 --> 01:12:44,723 ...in the name of such a worthy cause. 1247 01:12:47,096 --> 01:12:50,032 - You mind if I smoke? - I don't care if you burn. 1248 01:12:50,199 --> 01:12:52,134 I always loved that line. 1249 01:12:52,301 --> 01:12:54,668 - I loved Gleason. - Oh, Gleason loved me. 1250 01:12:54,837 --> 01:12:56,032 He loved my tits. 1251 01:12:56,505 --> 01:12:57,803 We all loved your tits. 1252 01:12:58,540 --> 01:13:01,476 May, I don't think you can smoke inside. 1253 01:13:01,643 --> 01:13:06,479 I'm 95. If I wanna smoke or piss on the sidewalk or say the N word... 1254 01:13:06,648 --> 01:13:08,116 ...I'm fucking gonna do it. 1255 01:13:09,418 --> 01:13:13,048 The world today, so goddamn serious about everything. 1256 01:13:13,222 --> 01:13:14,656 Exactly. Exactly. 1257 01:13:14,823 --> 01:13:17,224 I'm going to the bar. Okay? What do you want? 1258 01:13:17,393 --> 01:13:19,021 Martini, one olive, like always? 1259 01:13:19,194 --> 01:13:21,686 God bless you. 1260 01:13:21,864 --> 01:13:23,526 Okay. 1261 01:13:25,501 --> 01:13:27,493 Who was that? 1262 01:13:27,669 --> 01:13:31,504 All right, everyone. Let's salute our honored guest. 1263 01:13:42,518 --> 01:13:44,510 May? May, listen to me, okay? 1264 01:13:44,686 --> 01:13:46,086 I'm your friend. Okay? 1265 01:13:46,755 --> 01:13:50,954 It's over. You're finished. Finito. Your movies are on the History channel. 1266 01:13:51,160 --> 01:13:53,026 And your movies? 1267 01:13:53,195 --> 01:13:56,063 What movies? You aren't in any movies. 1268 01:13:57,199 --> 01:13:58,292 You tell him, May! 1269 01:13:59,067 --> 01:14:00,296 All joking aside... 1270 01:14:00,469 --> 01:14:02,165 What jokes? 1271 01:14:03,205 --> 01:14:05,367 - She told you, Dick. - Hey, go get them, May. 1272 01:14:05,541 --> 01:14:09,069 You, truly, are one of the greatest talents in this business. What can I say? 1273 01:14:09,244 --> 01:14:11,076 You're a barely-living legend. 1274 01:14:13,549 --> 01:14:16,815 I mean... I mean, quite honestly, I'm amazed you're still sitting up. 1275 01:14:17,719 --> 01:14:20,120 Okay. That's enough, Dick. 1276 01:14:20,289 --> 01:14:21,484 Wake up, people. 1277 01:14:21,690 --> 01:14:24,888 The "whatever-happened-to" portion of the evening is officially over. 1278 01:14:25,060 --> 01:14:26,392 - Go back to sleep. - Go to hell. 1279 01:14:26,562 --> 01:14:28,292 Or do you need your parole officer's permission? 1280 01:14:28,464 --> 01:14:29,488 "Parole officer" this. 1281 01:14:29,698 --> 01:14:31,599 Come on, get the fuck out of here. 1282 01:14:32,634 --> 01:14:35,570 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the Friars Club... 1283 01:14:35,737 --> 01:14:41,768 ...Jackie Burke, also known as Eddie, also known as prisoner 9-4-2-8-2-8. 1284 01:14:41,944 --> 01:14:44,345 Jailbird! 1285 01:14:44,513 --> 01:14:47,950 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did a little time. 1286 01:14:48,517 --> 01:14:51,077 But my 30 days is nothing compared to the hard time... 1287 01:14:51,253 --> 01:14:53,984 ...you just served listening to this guy, D'Angelo. 1288 01:14:54,156 --> 01:14:55,852 Give him a hand. 1289 01:14:56,325 --> 01:14:59,318 - Now let's get to the main event. - Looking great, May! 1290 01:14:59,495 --> 01:15:01,430 - May... - Yeah, May. 1291 01:15:01,597 --> 01:15:03,498 ...oh, May. 1292 01:15:04,666 --> 01:15:07,636 We've heard a lot about your many accomplishments tonight... 1293 01:15:07,803 --> 01:15:11,296 ...but no one's really talked about how tough it was for you starting out. 1294 01:15:11,473 --> 01:15:12,771 It was tough. 1295 01:15:12,941 --> 01:15:16,002 It was tough. You tell me about it. I know how tough it was. 1296 01:15:16,178 --> 01:15:18,374 - Well, tell me about it. - All right. 1297 01:15:18,547 --> 01:15:21,676 Today, you can get by just by blowing the director. 1298 01:15:21,850 --> 01:15:23,045 I love you, May! 1299 01:15:26,688 --> 01:15:30,056 But, God, when I think of the things that you had to do. 1300 01:15:30,259 --> 01:15:32,626 - I did. - But whatever you did worked... 1301 01:15:32,794 --> 01:15:35,389 ...because you played some of the most iconic... 1302 01:15:35,564 --> 01:15:37,055 ...roles in the history of film. 1303 01:15:37,566 --> 01:15:39,535 And I, Jackie Burke... 1304 01:15:39,968 --> 01:15:41,493 ...was with you all the way. 1305 01:15:42,337 --> 01:15:45,000 All the way 1306 01:15:45,173 --> 01:15:46,698 All the way 1307 01:15:46,875 --> 01:15:51,142 When you played the title role in The Battleship Potemkin... 1308 01:15:51,313 --> 01:15:55,546 ...I was one of the sailors you took on. 1309 01:15:55,717 --> 01:15:59,882 Remember me? I came in your porthole. 1310 01:16:01,823 --> 01:16:04,088 Then we were reunited. 1311 01:16:04,293 --> 01:16:06,353 Who could ever forget when we were together... 1312 01:16:06,528 --> 01:16:09,521 ...in the original Poseidon Adventure? You as the Poseidon. 1313 01:16:09,698 --> 01:16:12,190 - Me as the cabin boy. - You were the cabin boy. 1314 01:16:12,367 --> 01:16:14,598 You know. You remember. 1315 01:16:15,037 --> 01:16:17,529 - Remember my audition? - Yeah. 1316 01:16:19,374 --> 01:16:21,605 Yes, and you got the part. 1317 01:16:23,712 --> 01:16:26,011 And I went down with the ship. 1318 01:16:27,049 --> 01:16:29,951 Yes, May Conner, you chewed a lot of scenery... 1319 01:16:30,118 --> 01:16:31,677 - ...in your time. - I certainly did. 1320 01:16:31,853 --> 01:16:33,048 And swallowed. 1321 01:16:37,759 --> 01:16:42,697 May Conner: star, philanthropist, Oscar winner... 1322 01:16:42,864 --> 01:16:45,265 ...and record holder for fucking more young boys... 1323 01:16:45,434 --> 01:16:47,426 ...than the entire Los Angeles Archdiocese. 1324 01:16:49,571 --> 01:16:51,369 - You are really something. - Jackie. Stop. 1325 01:16:51,540 --> 01:16:54,806 It's okay, May. It's okay. Don't worry. D'Angelo's not coming back. 1326 01:16:54,977 --> 01:16:57,776 He's just touching you now, but he's gonna go away. May? 1327 01:16:57,946 --> 01:17:00,609 Seriously, May? An orgasm now? 1328 01:17:04,419 --> 01:17:05,751 What's happening? 1329 01:17:06,488 --> 01:17:07,888 - Oh, my God. - Is she all right? 1330 01:17:08,056 --> 01:17:10,958 May, you okay? 1331 01:17:11,994 --> 01:17:14,054 - Give her some water. - No, no, no. 1332 01:17:14,229 --> 01:17:15,561 Get a doctor. 1333 01:17:15,731 --> 01:17:16,994 May... 1334 01:17:17,165 --> 01:17:18,793 Somebody do something. 1335 01:17:18,967 --> 01:17:20,799 I'm not sure if this is... 1336 01:17:20,969 --> 01:17:24,406 Is there a doctor in the house? Seriously. We need a doctor. 1337 01:17:24,573 --> 01:17:25,939 Come up here immediately. 1338 01:17:26,108 --> 01:17:28,668 - Don't block these aisles. - Call a medic! 1339 01:17:29,678 --> 01:17:30,771 Stay in your places. 1340 01:17:31,813 --> 01:17:34,248 - Somebody... - Get her back. Get her back. 1341 01:17:34,883 --> 01:17:36,146 Somebody, aspirin. 1342 01:17:36,318 --> 01:17:38,310 - Get some aspirin. - Get the defibrillator! 1343 01:17:38,487 --> 01:17:39,614 You killed. 1344 01:17:39,788 --> 01:17:42,019 Should someone call 911? 1345 01:17:42,190 --> 01:17:44,625 I didn't get to my best stuff. 1346 01:17:47,295 --> 01:17:50,163 Three-time Oscar winner and six-time Emmy winner, May Conner... 1347 01:17:50,332 --> 01:17:53,632 ...suffered a fatal heart attack on stage at 11:00 tonight... 1348 01:17:53,802 --> 01:17:55,100 ...at the Edison Ballroom. 1349 01:17:55,270 --> 01:17:59,503 The 95-year-old Conner was taken by ambulance to Mt. Sinai Hospital... 1350 01:17:59,675 --> 01:18:01,974 ...where she was pronounced dead on arrival. 1351 01:18:02,144 --> 01:18:03,942 The legendary actress-comedienne... 1352 01:18:04,112 --> 01:18:06,809 ...was the honoree at tonight's Friars Club Tribute. 1353 01:18:06,982 --> 01:18:09,679 New York One's Jaime Puckett was there and spoke afterward... 1354 01:18:09,851 --> 01:18:12,343 ...with Friars Abbot Dick D'Angelo. 1355 01:18:12,521 --> 01:18:15,616 We lost a great one tonight. I'm... 1356 01:18:17,793 --> 01:18:19,694 ...devastated. 1357 01:18:20,195 --> 01:18:23,222 May and I were more than just... Fans all over the world will be mourning. 1358 01:18:23,432 --> 01:18:26,493 She was, truly, America's Queen of Comedy. 1359 01:18:26,668 --> 01:18:31,163 Family members requested that the Friars cancel the broadcast... 1360 01:18:31,339 --> 01:18:32,830 ...and, of course, we agreed. 1361 01:18:55,997 --> 01:18:58,865 So nothing in New York. Nothing in the tristate area. 1362 01:18:59,034 --> 01:19:03,495 We have three offers for appearances. In Wisconsin is a Democratic fundraiser. 1363 01:19:03,672 --> 01:19:05,231 Wisconsin in February? Next. 1364 01:19:05,407 --> 01:19:09,071 Then a three-day master-comedy class seminar at SOAS College. 1365 01:19:09,244 --> 01:19:11,236 - What's SOAS College? - It's in London. 1366 01:19:11,413 --> 01:19:14,247 The last one you're not gonna like, but it pays the most. 1367 01:19:14,416 --> 01:19:16,408 It's a television-classics autograph convention... 1368 01:19:16,585 --> 01:19:19,749 - ...in West Palm Beach doing Eddie. - What are the Democrats paying? 1369 01:19:19,921 --> 01:19:21,287 Three thousand, plus expenses. 1370 01:19:21,490 --> 01:19:25,018 The Republicans would pay a lot more, but who wants to do it for them? 1371 01:19:25,193 --> 01:19:26,559 So, what about London? 1372 01:19:26,728 --> 01:19:28,560 Five thousand, but you pay for your ticket. 1373 01:19:28,730 --> 01:19:31,962 - What about Florida? - Twenty-five thousand, plus expenses. 1374 01:19:32,134 --> 01:19:33,295 I gotta take that. 1375 01:19:34,803 --> 01:19:36,738 - Yeah. - For you. 1376 01:19:37,639 --> 01:19:40,473 Hey, here's your number seven. Hold the Russian dressing. 1377 01:19:40,642 --> 01:19:42,042 What are you doing after work? 1378 01:19:42,210 --> 01:19:44,441 - She deserted you? - No, she's gonna come back. 1379 01:19:44,613 --> 01:19:45,637 Cool it, Casanova. 1380 01:19:45,814 --> 01:19:47,749 Mrs. Berkowitz... 1381 01:19:47,916 --> 01:19:49,976 - Excuse me? - All right, Tina. I'll get the number seven. 1382 01:19:50,152 --> 01:19:52,144 You got 30 days, I got life. 1383 01:19:52,320 --> 01:19:54,448 Does she know? About the money? 1384 01:19:54,623 --> 01:19:56,251 - Yes. - Gonna take a while to pay you back. 1385 01:19:56,424 --> 01:20:00,418 No. She knows, and we both agree, we don't want you to pay us back. 1386 01:20:00,595 --> 01:20:02,427 What does that mean? You can't... 1387 01:20:02,597 --> 01:20:05,590 What it means is I don't have to do this anymore. You understand? 1388 01:20:05,767 --> 01:20:08,293 I'm through with this. I'm done with this. 1389 01:20:08,470 --> 01:20:12,635 You don't come back anymore and ask for anything ever again. 1390 01:20:12,808 --> 01:20:15,141 - What are you so mad about? - I'm not mad. 1391 01:20:15,310 --> 01:20:18,508 But people don't change. People never change. 1392 01:20:18,680 --> 01:20:21,275 They are what they are, and that's that. 1393 01:20:21,449 --> 01:20:23,281 What is this? 1394 01:20:24,052 --> 01:20:27,784 You see how it is with her? Like, you've become a thing. 1395 01:20:27,956 --> 01:20:29,322 Oh, I'm a thing now? 1396 01:20:29,491 --> 01:20:31,983 You're a thing, I can't take it, I can't do it anymore. 1397 01:20:32,160 --> 01:20:33,651 I can't take the aggravation. 1398 01:20:33,829 --> 01:20:35,855 I don't know what to say. 1399 01:20:36,064 --> 01:20:39,262 I'm so fucking aggravated. I'm trying to get something going here. 1400 01:20:39,434 --> 01:20:42,336 By the way, I thought you killed at the wedding. You killed. 1401 01:20:42,504 --> 01:20:44,939 You smashed. You knocked it out of the park. 1402 01:20:45,106 --> 01:20:47,666 - It was... I had fun doing it. - Brittany loved it. 1403 01:20:47,843 --> 01:20:49,141 She was never happier. 1404 01:20:49,311 --> 01:20:50,609 Oh, good. Well, that's good. 1405 01:20:50,779 --> 01:20:52,805 That's what it's all about, for her, you know? 1406 01:20:52,981 --> 01:20:55,212 If you're ever playing anywhere, you let me know. 1407 01:20:55,383 --> 01:20:58,012 - I'll come, we'll have a beer. - Okay. That, I appreciate. 1408 01:20:58,186 --> 01:20:59,711 - Okay? - Yeah. 1409 01:21:00,188 --> 01:21:01,622 See you. 1410 01:21:01,790 --> 01:21:03,656 I'll call you tomorrow. 1411 01:21:04,826 --> 01:21:06,226 Okay. 1412 01:21:06,394 --> 01:21:09,998 So, what's it gonna be? Wisconsin, London or Florida? 1413 01:21:53,174 --> 01:21:54,836 Wow, what a beautiful audience. 1414 01:21:55,010 --> 01:21:58,538 I wanna say before we start, I've been looking forward to this performance... 1415 01:21:59,915 --> 01:22:04,876 ...more than any other because being here with you makes me feel alive. 1416 01:22:07,055 --> 01:22:08,580 Sing along if you know the words. 1417 01:22:13,962 --> 01:22:15,521 Chair. 1418 01:22:51,833 --> 01:22:53,426 What is that? 1419 01:22:53,802 --> 01:22:55,327 Look who's here. 1420 01:22:55,503 --> 01:22:58,769 The laugh-a-minute. What the fuck are you doing here? 1421 01:22:58,940 --> 01:23:01,637 I just came by to say hello. 1422 01:23:01,810 --> 01:23:04,279 - Passing through. - Oh, could you say goodbye? 1423 01:23:07,282 --> 01:23:09,444 Just calm down. It's okay. I'm just visiting. 1424 01:23:09,617 --> 01:23:12,451 Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. 1425 01:23:12,620 --> 01:23:14,851 Eddie. Is that you? 1426 01:23:15,623 --> 01:23:18,092 Aren't you Eddie from Eddie's Home? 1427 01:23:18,259 --> 01:23:20,660 I'm such a fan of yours. 1428 01:23:20,829 --> 01:23:23,765 - No. No. It's okay. - Oh, I love it. I just love you. 1429 01:23:30,805 --> 01:23:31,932 Thank you! 1430 01:23:32,107 --> 01:23:33,769 Oh, thank you so much. 1431 01:23:33,942 --> 01:23:36,275 Thank you so, so much. 1432 01:23:36,444 --> 01:23:39,107 - That was sweet. - Thank you so, so much. 1433 01:23:39,280 --> 01:23:40,441 Thank you so much. 1434 01:23:40,615 --> 01:23:41,674 - You know... - It's nice. 1435 01:23:41,850 --> 01:23:45,878 ...it isn't often enough that we take the time to hear the stories... 1436 01:23:46,054 --> 01:23:48,285 ...and listen to the wisdom of our elders. 1437 01:23:48,456 --> 01:23:51,119 So I wanna come down and get to know some of you wonderful people. 1438 01:23:51,292 --> 01:23:53,523 Let's start with you, young lady. What's your name? 1439 01:23:53,695 --> 01:23:55,527 - Adele. - Hello, Adele. 1440 01:23:55,697 --> 01:23:57,393 Tell us a little about yourself. 1441 01:23:58,266 --> 01:24:01,532 I was a gym teacher for 42 years. 1442 01:24:01,703 --> 01:24:03,695 - Oh, my God. I can't believe it. - Gym teacher. 1443 01:24:03,872 --> 01:24:06,307 - I'm gonna tell everybody. - You look terrific. 1444 01:24:06,474 --> 01:24:07,806 See him? Eddie. 1445 01:24:07,976 --> 01:24:09,911 - Why are you here? - What do you mean? 1446 01:24:10,078 --> 01:24:12,912 - What are you doing here? - I'm here. I just told your father. 1447 01:24:13,081 --> 01:24:16,643 - What, is Alzheimer's contagious? - Your punch lines for us are over. 1448 01:24:16,818 --> 01:24:18,377 Can you give us a sec? 1449 01:24:18,553 --> 01:24:20,681 Oh, thank you. Thank you so, so much. 1450 01:24:20,855 --> 01:24:23,324 Let's go over here. What's your name, miss? 1451 01:24:23,491 --> 01:24:25,426 - Look. Look who's there. - I am Miriam. 1452 01:24:25,593 --> 01:24:27,926 - Tell us a little about yourself, Miriam. - Eddie. 1453 01:24:28,096 --> 01:24:30,327 Well, I was a dancer. 1454 01:24:30,899 --> 01:24:32,492 I was on Broadway once. 1455 01:24:33,168 --> 01:24:34,898 - Eddie. - Broadway star. 1456 01:24:35,070 --> 01:24:36,094 What's new, Esther? 1457 01:24:36,304 --> 01:24:39,069 - I can't believe Eddie's here. - Right here in our midst. 1458 01:24:39,240 --> 01:24:42,176 - Can I have your autograph? - Why did you show up without calling? 1459 01:24:42,343 --> 01:24:45,245 Well, I didn't. I called you before and you never answered me. 1460 01:24:45,413 --> 01:24:49,407 You never got back to me once. I thought I'd come say hello since I was down here. 1461 01:24:49,584 --> 01:24:51,519 Go out there, big shot. They want you. 1462 01:24:51,686 --> 01:24:53,678 I'm not fucking going out there. You go. 1463 01:24:53,855 --> 01:24:56,450 Come on. You're an entertainer. Give them what they want. 1464 01:24:56,624 --> 01:25:00,117 - Come on. - You do it, buddy. You go up and do it. 1465 01:25:00,562 --> 01:25:02,292 Yeah, but you can't just show up here. 1466 01:25:02,464 --> 01:25:05,127 I just came here for business. A convention. 1467 01:25:05,333 --> 01:25:06,631 You had a convention? 1468 01:25:06,835 --> 01:25:09,236 - I'm going to a convention. - You're just... 1469 01:25:09,404 --> 01:25:10,963 Well, you should've called... 1470 01:25:11,139 --> 01:25:12,266 - ...and not... - What's wrong? 1471 01:25:13,108 --> 01:25:15,543 - Nothing's wrong. - After I left those messages... 1472 01:25:15,710 --> 01:25:17,702 ...so many messages, you didn't call me once. 1473 01:25:17,879 --> 01:25:20,405 - You... - I texted you, you didn't answer the text. 1474 01:25:20,582 --> 01:25:22,278 No. Really, I've just been so busy. 1475 01:25:22,450 --> 01:25:24,612 Okay. I understand that, but I'm here now. 1476 01:25:24,786 --> 01:25:27,415 Thought I'd take you to dinner. How about tomorrow night? 1477 01:25:27,589 --> 01:25:29,922 That's fine. Just call before you show up like that. 1478 01:25:30,091 --> 01:25:33,118 Okay. Let's have a hand for Devin O'Connor. 1479 01:25:34,462 --> 01:25:35,657 Thank you. 1480 01:25:35,864 --> 01:25:38,629 - Great performance. Folks... - Good job, honey. Thank you. 1481 01:25:38,800 --> 01:25:41,964 ...I've got a really big surprise for you now. 1482 01:25:42,137 --> 01:25:44,299 - Just in from New York... - Oh, no. 1483 01:25:44,472 --> 01:25:48,568 - ...television star and personal friend: - This guy. 1484 01:25:48,743 --> 01:25:52,271 - Eddie from Eddie's Home. - See? 1485 01:25:53,281 --> 01:25:55,978 That's right. Eddie from Eddie's Home. 1486 01:25:56,151 --> 01:26:00,282 Don't go out there. No. This isn't... This is not your crowd. 1487 01:26:00,455 --> 01:26:01,821 They don't like comedy. 1488 01:26:01,990 --> 01:26:03,424 Let's bring him up here. 1489 01:26:03,591 --> 01:26:05,856 - If you want to, you can, but... - Come on. 1490 01:26:06,027 --> 01:26:07,859 - ...it's not a good idea. - Yeah. 1491 01:26:08,029 --> 01:26:09,759 Now your father's my best friend. 1492 01:26:09,931 --> 01:26:12,167 Yes. Can you believe it? 1493 01:26:15,203 --> 01:26:17,866 Thank you. Thank you. Happy to be here. Happy to be here. 1494 01:26:18,039 --> 01:26:21,601 And I wanna thank my new best friend, Mac Schiltz. 1495 01:26:22,010 --> 01:26:24,605 Only he knows how close we really are. 1496 01:26:24,779 --> 01:26:27,681 Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer? 1497 01:26:28,516 --> 01:26:29,950 - Yeah. - Come sit on my lap. 1498 01:26:30,118 --> 01:26:31,814 I'll spin you around like a dreidel. 1499 01:26:31,986 --> 01:26:33,420 That was a Jewish joke. 1500 01:26:34,322 --> 01:26:37,315 My mother was a dancer. She worked at a gentleman's club. 1501 01:26:37,492 --> 01:26:39,188 She was a lap dancer. 1502 01:26:39,360 --> 01:26:41,989 You imagine how hard it was for me to nurse? 1503 01:26:44,365 --> 01:26:47,358 - Is that supposed to be funny? - It was supposed to be funny. 1504 01:26:47,535 --> 01:26:49,026 - You didn't like that? - Well... 1505 01:26:49,204 --> 01:26:51,639 Would you like me to do it another way? 1506 01:26:52,373 --> 01:26:54,069 Like that? That's not funny to you? 1507 01:26:54,242 --> 01:26:56,643 - What kind of dancer were you? - I was a chorus girl. 1508 01:26:56,811 --> 01:26:58,643 A chorus girl. 1509 01:26:58,813 --> 01:27:01,544 - I always wanted to bang a chorus girl. - Join the club. 1510 01:27:01,716 --> 01:27:03,582 Oh, good comeback. 1511 01:27:03,751 --> 01:27:06,186 You're a good sport, Miriam. I like that. 1512 01:27:06,354 --> 01:27:08,755 Let's do a threesome: me, you and Adele. 1513 01:27:10,024 --> 01:27:14,587 How about that? She was a gym teacher, so she'll do all the heavy lifting. 1514 01:27:14,762 --> 01:27:16,060 Probably a dyke. 1515 01:27:16,231 --> 01:27:17,722 That doesn't matter. 1516 01:27:17,899 --> 01:27:20,494 What's with these guys here? What's this group? 1517 01:27:20,668 --> 01:27:23,502 - You look like a street gang or something. - Yeah. That's us. 1518 01:27:23,671 --> 01:27:24,934 - What's your name? - Herman. 1519 01:27:25,106 --> 01:27:28,668 Herman. With a name like that, you must have got laid a lot. 1520 01:27:29,911 --> 01:27:34,349 I recognize you. I remember. I see you prowling all the discos and clubs here. 1521 01:27:34,515 --> 01:27:37,508 There's a lot of them in this part of the world. Good for you. 1522 01:27:37,685 --> 01:27:40,519 What about your porn? You guys have a porn collection? 1523 01:27:40,688 --> 01:27:42,122 Who's got the best pussy shots? 1524 01:27:42,290 --> 01:27:43,918 - Bernie. - Bernie. 1525 01:27:44,092 --> 01:27:46,254 - Yeah. - Now listen, I'm curious, Bernie. 1526 01:27:46,427 --> 01:27:48,862 Are you a breast man or tit man? 1527 01:27:49,030 --> 01:27:50,931 Leg man? Ass man? 1528 01:27:51,099 --> 01:27:52,567 - Whatever else? - Tuchuses. 1529 01:27:52,734 --> 01:27:54,635 - Tuchuses? - Yes. 1530 01:27:57,505 --> 01:27:59,906 - Have you met Adele, the gym teacher? - Oh, yeah. 1531 01:28:00,074 --> 01:28:02,908 I know you two must have been fucking each other for a couple of years. 1532 01:28:03,077 --> 01:28:06,138 She used to be able to climb up a rope with just her ass. 1533 01:28:06,314 --> 01:28:07,748 Oh, no. 1534 01:28:08,616 --> 01:28:10,312 Adele, I found a live one. 1535 01:28:10,885 --> 01:28:11,978 No. 1536 01:28:12,153 --> 01:28:14,713 I think he's alive, hold on. Yeah. He's alive. 1537 01:28:14,889 --> 01:28:16,619 Still ticking. Where you going? 1538 01:28:16,791 --> 01:28:19,124 Hey, hey, fellow. Rip Van Winkle. 1539 01:28:19,294 --> 01:28:21,786 My name is Benjamin. I gotta go to the bathroom. 1540 01:28:21,963 --> 01:28:24,956 Benjamin, what do you have to do, number one or number two? 1541 01:28:31,272 --> 01:28:34,106 Number three. 1542 01:28:34,275 --> 01:28:35,834 - Number three? - Yeah. 1543 01:28:38,546 --> 01:28:40,913 Number three. The big Mac Schiltz special. 1544 01:28:43,818 --> 01:28:46,481 Are you sure? I think you already did something there. 1545 01:28:46,654 --> 01:28:49,783 You know, I... Looks like you did number six there. 1546 01:28:50,825 --> 01:28:52,350 Jesus, or maybe it's up to eight. 1547 01:28:55,363 --> 01:28:57,992 Okay. I see you all like bathroom humor... 1548 01:28:58,166 --> 01:29:02,001 ...which is good because that's what I like. We're all thinking alike. 1549 01:29:02,170 --> 01:29:06,335 Look, I'm gonna do a song, and I'm gonna change the lyrics slightly. 1550 01:29:06,507 --> 01:29:08,772 So I think we'll have a little fun with that. It's called... 1551 01:29:08,943 --> 01:29:12,107 Well, you've all heard the song "Makin' Whoopee"? 1552 01:29:12,280 --> 01:29:15,978 So I'm just gonna change it a little, and when I point to you... 1553 01:29:16,150 --> 01:29:19,678 ...you go, "Not making poopie." 1554 01:29:20,455 --> 01:29:21,855 - Can we do that? - Okay. 1555 01:29:22,023 --> 01:29:23,855 One, two, three. Let's try it now: 1556 01:29:24,025 --> 01:29:26,688 Not makin' poopie 1557 01:29:26,861 --> 01:29:28,227 Okay. One more time. 1558 01:29:28,396 --> 01:29:31,662 Come on, you guys sound like you need a little coke to get you going. 1559 01:29:31,833 --> 01:29:33,859 One more time, one, two, three: 1560 01:29:34,035 --> 01:29:36,561 Not makin' poopie 1561 01:29:36,738 --> 01:29:37,967 Yeah! Okay. Great. 1562 01:29:38,139 --> 01:29:39,732 Here we go. Here it goes. 1563 01:29:39,907 --> 01:29:41,739 Maestro... 1564 01:29:42,110 --> 01:29:45,046 Another fear 1565 01:29:45,213 --> 01:29:47,478 Another year 1566 01:29:47,648 --> 01:29:49,708 Another enema 1567 01:29:49,884 --> 01:29:51,682 In your rear 1568 01:29:52,353 --> 01:29:53,821 Elimination 1569 01:29:54,155 --> 01:29:56,715 Constipation 1570 01:29:56,891 --> 01:29:58,052 Not makin'... 1571 01:29:58,226 --> 01:29:59,558 Poopie 1572 01:29:59,727 --> 01:30:00,751 Yeah. 1573 01:30:00,928 --> 01:30:04,888 Pee pee is fine Except if it leaks 1574 01:30:05,066 --> 01:30:08,696 What'd you expect From elderly freaks? 1575 01:30:10,037 --> 01:30:11,505 It's so abusive 1576 01:30:11,672 --> 01:30:14,335 Stools are elusive 1577 01:30:14,509 --> 01:30:15,533 Not makin' 1578 01:30:15,710 --> 01:30:18,009 Whoopee, not "poopie." 1579 01:30:19,013 --> 01:30:20,379 We're doing "poopie" here. 1580 01:30:20,548 --> 01:30:23,450 - I am not. - All right. 1581 01:30:26,354 --> 01:30:28,949 We've got a killjoy in the house. 1582 01:30:29,157 --> 01:30:30,284 Okay. 1583 01:30:30,458 --> 01:30:32,427 You're on the toilet 1584 01:30:32,593 --> 01:30:34,789 From 9 to 5 1585 01:30:34,962 --> 01:30:39,457 Holy shit It's good to be alive 1586 01:30:39,667 --> 01:30:41,295 It's all a breeze now 1587 01:30:41,803 --> 01:30:44,534 But please don't sneeze now 1588 01:30:46,774 --> 01:30:48,902 You're making poopie 1589 01:30:49,310 --> 01:30:51,302 Big finish. 1590 01:30:51,479 --> 01:30:56,543 Not being loopy Better than whoopee 1591 01:30:56,717 --> 01:30:58,083 Everybody now. 1592 01:30:58,252 --> 01:31:02,280 I'm making poopie 1593 01:31:04,058 --> 01:31:05,617 Poopie. 1594 01:31:05,793 --> 01:31:06,988 Poopie. 1595 01:31:08,696 --> 01:31:12,326 Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. 1596 01:31:12,500 --> 01:31:14,935 Well, I hope nobody was offended here. 1597 01:31:15,102 --> 01:31:16,331 It was all in good fun. 1598 01:31:16,504 --> 01:31:21,943 In about 20 years, we're all gonna be dead, so let's celebrate while we can. 1599 01:31:34,322 --> 01:31:35,847 Thanks for coming. 1600 01:31:40,928 --> 01:31:43,864 I feel like I'm looking at myself in a mirror. 1601 01:31:44,031 --> 01:31:45,932 - What's your name? - Ted. 1602 01:31:46,100 --> 01:31:49,366 Are you still friends with the other actors, Arlene and your son? 1603 01:31:49,537 --> 01:31:51,438 No. They all died. 1604 01:31:51,806 --> 01:31:53,138 Sorry. 1605 01:31:54,275 --> 01:31:55,675 Boy, they were funny. 1606 01:31:55,843 --> 01:31:58,836 Funny. Funny. She was funny. He was funny. 1607 01:31:59,013 --> 01:32:00,037 Very funny. 1608 01:32:00,248 --> 01:32:02,274 - Can I ask you something? - Sure. 1609 01:32:02,450 --> 01:32:05,318 Do you still think the show is funny after all these years? 1610 01:32:06,020 --> 01:32:08,615 Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes... 1611 01:32:08,789 --> 01:32:11,349 ...but it wasn't always about the laughs. 1612 01:32:11,526 --> 01:32:13,495 Eddie could say the craziest things. 1613 01:32:13,661 --> 01:32:15,459 I think that's what I liked most. 1614 01:32:17,331 --> 01:32:21,132 Can I just get one "Hey, Arlene" for my wife? Just one? 1615 01:32:21,302 --> 01:32:22,998 Yeah. Sure. 1616 01:32:24,372 --> 01:32:28,002 "Arlene, Eddie's home! 1617 01:32:28,175 --> 01:32:31,304 I'm gonna kill the whole fucking family! 1618 01:32:31,479 --> 01:32:35,041 Me, you and our little fruitcake son!" 1619 01:32:35,216 --> 01:32:37,412 Oh, my God. 1620 01:32:37,585 --> 01:32:40,487 - How's that? - That's what I'm talking about. 1621 01:32:40,655 --> 01:32:43,352 - You liked that? - Thanks for being Eddie. 1622 01:32:58,573 --> 01:33:00,007 - Hey. - Hey, you ready? 1623 01:33:01,709 --> 01:33:05,942 I actually don't feel very good. I was thinking about staying in tonight. 1624 01:33:06,414 --> 01:33:08,849 - Okay. - Yeah. 1625 01:33:09,016 --> 01:33:11,508 - You all right? - Yeah. 1626 01:33:14,956 --> 01:33:16,549 Can I come in? 1627 01:33:17,458 --> 01:33:19,120 For a minute? 1628 01:33:19,727 --> 01:33:21,127 Sure. 1629 01:33:27,068 --> 01:33:28,559 You look nice. 1630 01:33:28,736 --> 01:33:30,568 Thanks. You too. 1631 01:33:30,738 --> 01:33:33,037 No, I don't. 1632 01:33:33,207 --> 01:33:35,142 Is everything okay? 1633 01:33:35,843 --> 01:33:37,106 Yeah, because we had... 1634 01:33:37,278 --> 01:33:41,613 We had such a good time, and now everything feels a little... 1635 01:33:41,782 --> 01:33:43,444 A little off. 1636 01:33:43,618 --> 01:33:45,280 I mean, do you have a boyfriend... 1637 01:33:45,453 --> 01:33:48,048 - ...or somebody you're seeing? - No. 1638 01:33:49,423 --> 01:33:50,618 No. 1639 01:33:51,492 --> 01:33:52,790 No. 1640 01:33:53,394 --> 01:33:54,589 Something that I did? 1641 01:33:54,762 --> 01:33:57,129 No, no, no. 1642 01:33:57,298 --> 01:33:58,732 No? 1643 01:34:02,370 --> 01:34:03,963 Well... 1644 01:34:06,607 --> 01:34:08,098 ...I'm pregnant. 1645 01:34:12,680 --> 01:34:14,478 You're pregnant. 1646 01:34:19,987 --> 01:34:21,615 Is it...? 1647 01:34:23,457 --> 01:34:26,291 So...? It's me, you mean? 1648 01:34:28,496 --> 01:34:30,021 Yeah. 1649 01:34:30,531 --> 01:34:31,863 I know. 1650 01:34:32,033 --> 01:34:34,628 - You sure? - Yeah. 1651 01:34:34,802 --> 01:34:39,866 I mean, the timing's right, and I haven't been with anyone else, so... 1652 01:34:40,041 --> 01:34:42,943 You haven't been with anyone else? You gotta be honest with me. 1653 01:34:43,110 --> 01:34:45,341 Can you blame me? I gotta ask you. 1654 01:34:45,513 --> 01:34:47,345 I mean, I have to. 1655 01:34:51,352 --> 01:34:54,481 I've gotta make sure that it's my child. 1656 01:34:58,125 --> 01:34:59,616 Okay. 1657 01:35:01,729 --> 01:35:03,288 No. 1658 01:35:04,131 --> 01:35:06,225 It's yours. 1659 01:35:13,674 --> 01:35:15,870 Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are. 1660 01:35:16,043 --> 01:35:18,979 - I'm not... - No. You're not as shocked as I am. 1661 01:35:19,146 --> 01:35:21,240 - Yeah, I am. - No, you're not. 1662 01:35:26,253 --> 01:35:28,188 You know, I wasn't gonna... 1663 01:35:28,355 --> 01:35:30,847 ...do this, and I made the appointment at the clinic... 1664 01:35:31,025 --> 01:35:34,484 ...and I drove myself down there, and I... 1665 01:35:35,329 --> 01:35:37,992 ...couldn't get out of the car. It was the weirdest thing. 1666 01:35:38,165 --> 01:35:42,364 I... I just kept thinking about the... 1667 01:35:42,536 --> 01:35:47,372 ...talk that we had and talking about my mom and I... 1668 01:35:48,042 --> 01:35:51,604 You know, I felt like I couldn't... 1669 01:35:51,779 --> 01:35:54,772 ...make this baby feel unwanted the way I was. 1670 01:35:54,982 --> 01:35:56,678 And I just... 1671 01:35:56,851 --> 01:35:58,285 I... 1672 01:35:58,486 --> 01:36:03,424 I feel like I'm never gonna have this opportunity again, you know, and... 1673 01:36:04,091 --> 01:36:07,027 ...so I'm gonna give it a shot... 1674 01:36:07,194 --> 01:36:10,096 ...and I'm excited. 1675 01:36:14,435 --> 01:36:16,870 So I have nothing to say about this? 1676 01:36:17,805 --> 01:36:19,103 What do you have to say? 1677 01:36:19,273 --> 01:36:21,435 Well, maybe I don't wanna be a father again. 1678 01:36:21,609 --> 01:36:24,773 Okay. Well, you don't have to be a father. Nobody's asking you. 1679 01:36:24,945 --> 01:36:28,382 But I'm gonna be the father and I'm gonna be an older father, which... 1680 01:36:28,549 --> 01:36:31,144 ...I don't expect you to understand, but I am. 1681 01:36:31,318 --> 01:36:34,880 I can't even guarantee how long I'll be around for the child. 1682 01:36:35,623 --> 01:36:37,251 I'm... 1683 01:36:39,160 --> 01:36:42,153 Actually, it's me having the baby, not you... 1684 01:36:42,329 --> 01:36:45,925 ...and so you are, like I said, off the hook. 1685 01:36:46,100 --> 01:36:48,592 I'm not off the hook. I'm sorry. I'm not off the hook. 1686 01:36:48,769 --> 01:36:51,068 - Okay. I'm not asking you. - I'm not off the hook. 1687 01:36:51,238 --> 01:36:54,072 I'm the father, and you're telling me that I'm off the hook? 1688 01:36:54,241 --> 01:36:57,075 - No. This is... - You can't just decide this on your own. 1689 01:36:57,244 --> 01:36:59,145 - Doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. - I can. 1690 01:36:59,313 --> 01:37:02,306 - It does affect me. - And I just did decide. Thank you. 1691 01:37:02,483 --> 01:37:04,315 - Yes. I did decide this. - It affects me. 1692 01:37:04,485 --> 01:37:06,920 No. It doesn't. It doesn't affect you. 1693 01:37:07,087 --> 01:37:09,022 - It does. - You have nothing to do with it. 1694 01:37:09,190 --> 01:37:11,091 You have the baby, it doesn't affect me? 1695 01:37:11,258 --> 01:37:13,523 - You're not giving me any choice. - Okay, well... 1696 01:37:13,694 --> 01:37:17,529 You did have a choice! You just said you didn't wanna be a father. 1697 01:37:17,698 --> 01:37:21,931 I didn't say... I said, I don't know if I wanna be a father again. 1698 01:37:22,102 --> 01:37:25,334 That's fine. I don't want you to be! I don't need you to be! 1699 01:37:25,506 --> 01:37:29,273 If this hadn't happened, I'd run into you in five years. You'd be with a little kid. 1700 01:37:29,443 --> 01:37:31,935 You gonna tell me, "By the way, this is your child"? 1701 01:37:32,112 --> 01:37:34,707 - You didn't want anything to do with it! - Pregnant with my child... 1702 01:37:34,882 --> 01:37:37,044 - ...and you wouldn't tell me. - So fucking what?! 1703 01:37:37,218 --> 01:37:39,687 - There you go! - So fucking what?! 1704 01:37:39,854 --> 01:37:42,881 - "Fuck you. I'll have the child." - You should get that. 1705 01:37:43,624 --> 01:37:46,219 This is... Unbelievable. 1706 01:37:46,393 --> 01:37:48,362 Ah, fuck. Fuck this. 1707 01:37:48,529 --> 01:37:50,691 This is fucking crazy. 1708 01:37:51,799 --> 01:37:54,735 Miller, I'm busy. I don't wanna talk business when I'm here. 1709 01:37:54,902 --> 01:37:56,803 No. I don't wanna talk to you right now. 1710 01:37:56,971 --> 01:37:59,531 - Miller, what is it? What do you wanna...? - Goddamn it. 1711 01:37:59,907 --> 01:38:02,138 I don't have time to talk right now. What is it? 1712 01:38:02,309 --> 01:38:03,470 You're viral again. 1713 01:38:03,644 --> 01:38:06,204 - What? - Yeah. Something about "poopie"? 1714 01:38:07,314 --> 01:38:09,909 And a bunch of retirees? 1715 01:38:10,417 --> 01:38:11,476 Holy shit 1716 01:38:11,652 --> 01:38:14,850 I'm makin' I'm makin' poopie 1717 01:38:15,022 --> 01:38:17,355 I'm makin' I'm makin' shit 1718 01:38:17,524 --> 01:38:21,256 I'm makin' I'm makin' poopie 1719 01:38:21,428 --> 01:38:24,990 Over three million views in eight hours, and it is still climbing. 1720 01:38:25,165 --> 01:38:27,862 You are on Kimmel. You're on Fallon. 1721 01:38:28,035 --> 01:38:30,197 So I got a call from Carol Bock from RAW TV. 1722 01:38:30,371 --> 01:38:32,203 Carol Bock. What the fuck does she want? 1723 01:38:32,373 --> 01:38:34,842 She needs a host for a reality-show pilot. 1724 01:38:35,009 --> 01:38:37,069 It shoots on Monday in New York. 1725 01:38:37,244 --> 01:38:39,179 Monday... So soon? 1726 01:38:39,346 --> 01:38:41,906 They had D'Angelo signed. He had to drop out at the last minute. 1727 01:38:42,082 --> 01:38:43,675 Of course. He's got a better manager. 1728 01:38:43,851 --> 01:38:45,911 No, he got pancreatic cancer. 1729 01:38:47,588 --> 01:38:49,682 Timing is everything. 1730 01:38:49,857 --> 01:38:53,589 Cancer. Who'd he steal that from? Okay. I'm coming. 1731 01:38:53,761 --> 01:38:57,459 - All right. Don't leave me hanging. - Yeah. I said, I'm coming! Yeah. 1732 01:39:00,701 --> 01:39:02,636 I'm making poopie 1733 01:39:02,803 --> 01:39:06,262 It's good to be alive 1734 01:39:06,440 --> 01:39:07,533 Yeah. 1735 01:39:07,708 --> 01:39:09,700 Makin' shit I'm makin' 1736 01:39:09,877 --> 01:39:10,901 I'm makin' 1737 01:39:11,078 --> 01:39:13,647 - Poopie - I'm makin' shit 1738 01:39:15,749 --> 01:39:17,115 Well, well. 1739 01:39:17,284 --> 01:39:18,946 - Hey, Mac. - What have we here? 1740 01:39:19,119 --> 01:39:21,645 The comedian slithering out? 1741 01:39:21,822 --> 01:39:24,087 Look, I got a gig in New York. It's important. 1742 01:39:24,258 --> 01:39:25,556 Let me tell you something. 1743 01:39:25,726 --> 01:39:27,627 Back in the day, when I was making book... 1744 01:39:27,795 --> 01:39:31,630 ...I knew who was gonna lose and who was gonna win. I had an instinct. 1745 01:39:31,799 --> 01:39:34,633 The losers, I'd deposit their money before the race ran. 1746 01:39:34,802 --> 01:39:36,236 - Yeah? - Yeah. 1747 01:39:36,403 --> 01:39:38,804 You, my friend, are money in the bank. 1748 01:39:38,973 --> 01:39:41,272 Okay. So now you're saying I'm a loser? 1749 01:39:41,442 --> 01:39:43,343 Get the fuck out of here. 1750 01:39:43,510 --> 01:39:44,739 Hey, you know... 1751 01:39:44,912 --> 01:39:47,313 ...I hear you're gonna be a grandpa. 1752 01:39:49,016 --> 01:39:51,679 Congratulations. That's exciting. 1753 01:39:51,852 --> 01:39:54,321 Just don't be surprised if the kid comes out of the womb... 1754 01:39:54,488 --> 01:39:57,652 ...with a mic, doing dick jokes. You know what I mean? 1755 01:39:59,126 --> 01:40:00,788 - See you at the bris. - Look around. 1756 01:40:00,961 --> 01:40:04,090 - There's people everywhere. - "Arlene." Why don't you work on that? 1757 01:40:04,264 --> 01:40:06,665 Because it really sucked the way you did it. 1758 01:40:06,834 --> 01:40:09,303 "Arlene." That's how you do it, schmuck. 1759 01:40:09,803 --> 01:40:11,795 Get it right next time. Work on it. 1760 01:40:11,972 --> 01:40:14,339 "Arlene. Arlene. 1761 01:40:14,508 --> 01:40:15,840 Arlene." 1762 01:40:16,010 --> 01:40:18,980 From New York City, RAW TV... 1763 01:40:19,146 --> 01:40:21,342 ...the game-changer in innovative television... 1764 01:40:21,515 --> 01:40:26,112 ...brings you Say Uncle, a new experiment in jeopardy... 1765 01:40:26,286 --> 01:40:30,280 ...starring the king of shock comedians, Jackie Burke. 1766 01:40:30,457 --> 01:40:34,155 Hello, everybody. Welcome to Say Uncle. 1767 01:40:34,328 --> 01:40:36,229 I'm your host, Jackie Burke. 1768 01:40:36,397 --> 01:40:39,890 Each week on Say Uncle, we find out if you have what it takes... 1769 01:40:40,067 --> 01:40:45,301 ...to take the pain and win cash and prizes, or will you say uncle... 1770 01:40:45,472 --> 01:40:49,204 ...and go home empty-handed, disappointing your family... 1771 01:40:49,376 --> 01:40:50,969 ...and crushing your dreams? 1772 01:40:51,145 --> 01:40:55,014 Our first contestant is Mark Chapel from Brookline, Massachusetts. 1773 01:40:56,183 --> 01:40:57,583 How you doing today, Mark? 1774 01:40:57,785 --> 01:40:59,378 Hi. Great. 1775 01:41:01,021 --> 01:41:05,152 This week, we take you to bayou country where it's man against nature. 1776 01:41:05,325 --> 01:41:08,727 Or in this case, Mark against hundreds of pissed-off crawfish. 1777 01:41:10,230 --> 01:41:12,722 Look what we have for you, Mark. 1778 01:41:13,200 --> 01:41:15,726 A couple of nice ones. 1779 01:41:15,903 --> 01:41:17,337 Here we go. 1780 01:41:17,504 --> 01:41:19,496 Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Got you. 1781 01:41:19,673 --> 01:41:23,075 These pincers can inflict a lot of pain and damage. 1782 01:41:23,811 --> 01:41:25,336 You sure you're up to this, Mark? 1783 01:41:25,512 --> 01:41:26,912 Bring it on, Uncle Jackie. 1784 01:41:27,081 --> 01:41:31,075 Right now, our two bayou babes, each married to close relatives... 1785 01:41:31,251 --> 01:41:33,720 ...are helping Mark into a swamp pirogue. 1786 01:41:33,887 --> 01:41:35,412 That was my idea. 1787 01:41:35,589 --> 01:41:37,057 - The crawfish. - The crawfish... 1788 01:41:37,224 --> 01:41:39,090 ...and the bayou babes. That was me. 1789 01:41:39,259 --> 01:41:42,354 Don't forget, if you last two minutes with these hungry crawfish... 1790 01:41:42,529 --> 01:41:45,124 ...you'll win this new hybrid car... 1791 01:41:46,200 --> 01:41:51,036 ...a Caribbean vacation for you and your entire family... 1792 01:41:51,638 --> 01:41:55,268 ...and $10,000 in cash! 1793 01:41:56,477 --> 01:41:57,968 - We got it. - Okay. 1794 01:41:58,145 --> 01:42:00,774 Are you sure you're ready for the bayou challenge, Mark? 1795 01:42:01,548 --> 01:42:02,811 Yes, Uncle Jackie. 1796 01:42:02,983 --> 01:42:05,714 Okay. Let's start the clock. 1797 01:42:06,120 --> 01:42:08,988 Crawfish, it's dinnertime. 1798 01:42:14,228 --> 01:42:17,630 That doesn't look so bad to me. I've stayed in worse motels. 1799 01:42:17,798 --> 01:42:23,795 Though I have to say, these bedbugs are on the large size. 1800 01:42:23,971 --> 01:42:25,564 Even by New York standards. 1801 01:42:25,739 --> 01:42:29,301 Bayou babes, bring in reinforcements. 1802 01:42:32,179 --> 01:42:34,614 I thought having crabs was bad. 1803 01:42:35,482 --> 01:42:38,919 I'm not as much of a man as you are, Mark. I've gotta hand it to you. 1804 01:42:39,086 --> 01:42:41,146 You got a lot of chutzpah and a lot of balls. 1805 01:42:41,321 --> 01:42:42,653 I think one bit me. 1806 01:42:44,892 --> 01:42:48,829 Oh, first bite. Let's hope those other mudbugs don't catch on. 1807 01:42:49,196 --> 01:42:50,687 Twenty-four seconds, Mark. 1808 01:42:50,898 --> 01:42:53,026 Hang in there. Hang in there. 1809 01:42:53,200 --> 01:42:55,465 Think of the cash, the money, the vacation. 1810 01:42:58,505 --> 01:43:00,997 You can do it. You're gonna make it. You're gonna make it. 1811 01:43:01,175 --> 01:43:02,666 He's never gonna make it. 1812 01:43:02,843 --> 01:43:06,473 You're almost there, Mark. Keep it going. Think of the money. 1813 01:43:06,647 --> 01:43:09,310 Uncle! Uncle! 1814 01:43:11,285 --> 01:43:12,719 Uncle! 1815 01:43:12,920 --> 01:43:14,320 Mark! 1816 01:43:15,155 --> 01:43:16,179 Loser! 1817 01:43:23,697 --> 01:43:25,393 You're a disappointment, Mark. 1818 01:43:25,566 --> 01:43:27,797 You okay? You all right? 1819 01:43:27,968 --> 01:43:30,369 It's all right. It's okay. It's okay. 1820 01:43:30,537 --> 01:43:31,971 Okay. 1821 01:43:33,207 --> 01:43:36,177 I'm sorry. I tried. I really did. 1822 01:43:37,511 --> 01:43:40,481 Honey, it's okay. I know. 1823 01:43:40,647 --> 01:43:43,082 - I'm sorry. - We love you. The kids love you. 1824 01:43:43,250 --> 01:43:44,582 You suck, Mark! 1825 01:43:45,819 --> 01:43:47,344 Say Uncle will be right back. 1826 01:43:47,521 --> 01:43:50,980 But for me, I'd rather have Stevie Wonder shave my balls... 1827 01:43:51,158 --> 01:43:54,526 ...with a fucking butcher knife than be part of this fucking reality show. 1828 01:43:54,695 --> 01:43:59,724 This is Jackie Burke saying "uncle," and RAW TV, you can go fuck yourself. 1829 01:44:02,369 --> 01:44:03,428 Jackie. 1830 01:44:03,604 --> 01:44:06,665 I'm keeping the Safari jacket, in case I ever get booked in Africa. 1831 01:44:06,840 --> 01:44:08,274 Jackie. 1832 01:44:10,477 --> 01:44:12,105 Sorry. 1833 01:44:28,028 --> 01:44:32,432 You know, my kid, he's over 6 feet tall. I hardly ever hear from him. 1834 01:44:32,599 --> 01:44:35,933 - But all of the stages are beautiful. - Yeah. 1835 01:44:36,103 --> 01:44:38,197 Oh, that lucky kid. 1836 01:44:38,705 --> 01:44:39,729 Hey. 1837 01:44:40,607 --> 01:44:42,906 Where's the Florida sunshine? 1838 01:44:50,651 --> 01:44:51,710 Hey. 1839 01:44:53,620 --> 01:44:54,781 Look at you. 1840 01:45:00,560 --> 01:45:02,153 This is a surprise. 1841 01:45:02,329 --> 01:45:03,763 Yeah. 1842 01:45:04,164 --> 01:45:05,757 You look beautiful. 1843 01:45:05,932 --> 01:45:07,560 Really great. 1844 01:45:13,674 --> 01:45:17,042 Look, I just wanted to talk to you. 1845 01:45:19,246 --> 01:45:21,147 See how you are. 1846 01:45:23,150 --> 01:45:25,346 It felt strange after the way we left things. 1847 01:45:26,186 --> 01:45:28,678 I was gonna call you, but it was... 1848 01:45:28,855 --> 01:45:30,483 It didn't feel good to do that. 1849 01:45:30,657 --> 01:45:34,492 So I just decided to come here, and I wanna give you this. 1850 01:45:34,661 --> 01:45:39,361 It's a bunch of mementos, family photographs, my family. 1851 01:45:40,467 --> 01:45:42,095 In case... 1852 01:45:42,669 --> 01:45:46,299 ...he or she would want to know things about... 1853 01:45:48,608 --> 01:45:49,940 ...me. 1854 01:45:50,110 --> 01:45:51,703 Of course. 1855 01:45:52,946 --> 01:45:55,541 But just so you have it. In case. You never know. 1856 01:45:55,716 --> 01:45:57,207 And you do whatever you want. 1857 01:45:57,384 --> 01:45:59,615 If you want me to be involved... 1858 01:45:59,786 --> 01:46:02,119 ...in his or her life, fine. 1859 01:46:02,289 --> 01:46:05,350 If you don't, I won't like that, but I'll have to accept it. 1860 01:46:06,193 --> 01:46:07,354 Okay. 1861 01:46:07,527 --> 01:46:11,020 But I'm there. I want you to know, I'm there for you, for the kid. 1862 01:46:11,198 --> 01:46:14,191 That's the most important thing I want you to know. 1863 01:46:16,169 --> 01:46:19,298 I care about you a lot. You know that. 1864 01:46:20,707 --> 01:46:22,335 Okay. 1865 01:46:27,647 --> 01:46:29,172 Take care of yourself. 1866 01:46:29,349 --> 01:46:30,977 Let's hope the kid looks like me. 1867 01:47:41,988 --> 01:47:43,980 Hey, Jackie. Jackie. 1868 01:47:44,324 --> 01:47:45,952 - Yeah. - Sit. 1869 01:47:46,426 --> 01:47:48,725 Sit. Join us. 1870 01:47:48,895 --> 01:47:50,591 Do you wanna go on tonight? 1871 01:47:50,764 --> 01:47:52,460 Any spot you want, just let me know. 1872 01:47:52,632 --> 01:47:55,625 Estee, why are you being so nice to me? There's something wrong. 1873 01:47:55,802 --> 01:47:58,465 Your video got more hits than 2 girls, 1 cup. It's fucking viral. 1874 01:47:58,638 --> 01:48:00,334 - Sit down. - Which video? What video? 1875 01:48:00,507 --> 01:48:04,911 That Say Uncle thing. Three in a row. You're more viral than Charlie Sheen. 1876 01:48:05,078 --> 01:48:08,947 "This is Jackie Burke saying 'uncle,' and RAW TV go fuck yourself." 1877 01:48:09,115 --> 01:48:11,414 - Fuck yourself. - Everyone saw it, man. Everybody. 1878 01:48:11,585 --> 01:48:13,611 Six million views and counting. 1879 01:48:13,787 --> 01:48:16,086 Six million? But how did they get it out? 1880 01:48:16,256 --> 01:48:18,282 It was two months ago. 1881 01:48:19,025 --> 01:48:20,584 You got it out? 1882 01:48:20,927 --> 01:48:22,759 You finally did something good. 1883 01:48:23,296 --> 01:48:25,162 - To Jackie. - Congratulations, Jackie. 1884 01:48:25,332 --> 01:48:27,858 - You're back, you mean motherfucker. - Fist-bump it. 1885 01:48:28,034 --> 01:48:31,766 - Where's your drink? This is so weird. - Hey, where's my viral video? 1886 01:48:31,938 --> 01:48:33,839 - Punch me in the face? - Miller the Killer. 1887 01:48:34,007 --> 01:48:35,441 You... Miller the Killer. 1888 01:48:37,377 --> 01:48:39,775 Holy shit! 1889 01:48:41,114 --> 01:48:42,446 All right. 1890 01:48:42,616 --> 01:48:44,983 Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics. 1891 01:48:45,151 --> 01:48:46,779 If you got a handlebar mustache... 1892 01:48:46,953 --> 01:48:50,856 ...all I wanna hear you talk about is Slinkys and kazoos, and that's it. 1893 01:48:51,024 --> 01:48:52,959 You talk about kazoos for a few minutes... 1894 01:48:53,126 --> 01:48:55,527 ...then you gonna hop on a unicycle and juggle. 1895 01:48:55,695 --> 01:48:57,857 You carnival-faced motherfucker. 1896 01:48:59,299 --> 01:49:02,701 Are you guys ready for your next comedian? Make some noise. 1897 01:49:04,471 --> 01:49:07,839 You guys are a beautiful crowd. We have a surprise guest for tonight. 1898 01:49:08,008 --> 01:49:12,002 You might have seen him on RAW TV, snapping and telling them to fuck off. 1899 01:49:12,178 --> 01:49:15,410 Please welcome to the stage the great Jackie Burke, everybody. 1900 01:49:15,582 --> 01:49:17,380 Jackie Burke. 1901 01:49:27,427 --> 01:49:31,023 Yeah, give it up for Hannibal Buress. 1902 01:49:31,731 --> 01:49:34,428 Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. 1903 01:49:36,236 --> 01:49:39,673 Thank you. Thank you very much, folks. Thank you. This is really nice. 1904 01:49:39,839 --> 01:49:41,740 Last time I heard "Jackie" chanted like that... 1905 01:49:41,908 --> 01:49:45,709 ...I was bent over in the shower at Nassau County Correctional. 1906 01:49:48,415 --> 01:49:51,749 Okay, Jackie. You're finally working at the Comedy Cellar again. 1907 01:49:51,918 --> 01:49:53,887 Don't fuck this up. 1908 01:49:54,054 --> 01:49:55,454 Don't curse too much. 1909 01:49:55,622 --> 01:49:57,557 Don't pull your dick out. 1910 01:49:57,958 --> 01:50:01,827 Don't attack anyone physically unless they really, really deserve it. 1911 01:50:03,697 --> 01:50:07,099 Well, looks like all my ex-wives were wrong. 1912 01:50:07,267 --> 01:50:08,462 The bitches. 1913 01:50:08,635 --> 01:50:11,469 Sometimes, it really does pay to be a total asshole. 1914 01:50:12,439 --> 01:50:15,409 And if I had known psychotic breakdowns were so entertaining... 1915 01:50:15,575 --> 01:50:18,545 ...I'd have just been myself all these years. 1916 01:50:18,712 --> 01:50:22,615 Oh, you know what? I forgot. I'm gonna be a dad. 1917 01:50:22,782 --> 01:50:24,114 Yeah. 1918 01:50:24,951 --> 01:50:28,581 You don't have to applaud. I know I'm fucking old. 1919 01:50:28,755 --> 01:50:31,589 I mean, halfway through pulling out, I fell asleep. 1920 01:50:32,292 --> 01:50:35,421 Before my sperm leaves my balls, it has to stop and ask directions. 1921 01:50:37,664 --> 01:50:41,601 Boy, you guys are great. It's nice to be in front of a young crowd like this. 1922 01:50:41,768 --> 01:50:43,566 Younger than dead. 1923 01:50:44,004 --> 01:50:46,269 I should hire you to come to all my gigs. 1924 01:50:47,440 --> 01:50:51,241 - How much do you pay? - I don't know... You? I... 1925 01:50:53,980 --> 01:50:56,609 Well, I don't know. I'd give you 10 for a hand-job... 1926 01:50:56,783 --> 01:51:00,276 ...and an extra 100 if you promise not to wreck it by talking. 1927 01:51:04,324 --> 01:51:06,486 Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. 1928 01:51:50,970 --> 01:51:52,461 You made it. 1929 01:51:52,639 --> 01:51:54,301 - The plane was delayed. - It's okay. 1930 01:51:54,474 --> 01:51:57,342 Okay, everyone. Have a seat, have a seat, and take a bow, Amaya. 1931 01:51:57,510 --> 01:52:00,002 Okay. Okay. Thank you. 1932 01:52:00,547 --> 01:52:02,311 - Great. Oh, isn't she cute? - Hi, Gary. 1933 01:52:02,482 --> 01:52:04,041 - Hey, Jackie. - We're next. 1934 01:52:04,217 --> 01:52:10,054 Our next very, very talented youngster we have is, Miss Ralli Berkowitz. 1935 01:52:10,223 --> 01:52:11,953 Come on out, Ralli. 1936 01:52:16,730 --> 01:52:18,494 Oh, no. Here we go. 1937 01:52:19,566 --> 01:52:22,730 So, what's the deal with chores and allowances? 1938 01:52:22,902 --> 01:52:24,996 I turn 8, and my mom says: 1939 01:52:25,171 --> 01:52:28,403 "I'll give you $10 a week to make your room... 1940 01:52:28,575 --> 01:52:32,171 ...wash the dishes and clean the cat's litter box." 1941 01:52:32,345 --> 01:52:36,077 Ten dollars? That's slave labor. 1942 01:52:39,185 --> 01:52:41,916 I go to our neighbor's house, and I say: 1943 01:52:42,088 --> 01:52:44,717 "What will you give me if I make your room... 1944 01:52:44,891 --> 01:52:48,419 ...wash your dishes and clean your cat's litter box?" 1945 01:52:48,595 --> 01:52:51,190 Neighbor says, "I don't have a cat." 1946 01:52:51,364 --> 01:52:53,924 So I piss in her hallway and say: 1947 01:52:54,100 --> 01:52:57,696 "You go to 15 a week, and I'll supply the pussy." 1948 01:52:59,205 --> 01:53:01,140 Oh, my God. 1949 01:53:02,142 --> 01:53:04,407 Oh, my gosh. 1950 01:53:04,577 --> 01:53:06,569 This fucking thing on? 1951 01:53:09,115 --> 01:53:10,708 Thanks so much, Ralli. Okay. 1952 01:53:10,884 --> 01:53:13,911 Very good. Thank you. Okay, sweetheart. Good. All right. 1953 01:53:14,087 --> 01:53:15,885 Okay. Right. 1954 01:53:16,055 --> 01:53:17,819 Thanks so much, Ralli. 1955 01:53:18,024 --> 01:53:19,424 Right. Thanks, honey. 1956 01:53:19,592 --> 01:53:21,993 All right. Wonderful. 1957 01:53:22,162 --> 01:53:23,755 And we have... 1958 01:53:23,930 --> 01:53:25,228 Did you teach her that? 1959 01:53:25,965 --> 01:53:28,901 I would never teach her anything like that. 157264