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1
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:33,818
Excuse me.
2
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:36,028
Excuse me?
3
00:01:36,196 --> 00:01:37,926
I know you.
4
00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:41,061
- Don't I know you?
- No.
5
00:01:52,412 --> 00:01:54,813
Hey, hey, hold that door!
6
00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:09,954
You cold? You need something
to warm you up?
7
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,463
No. You know what you can do,
you can burn this whole place down...
8
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,260
...so I don't have to do
this fucking nostalgia night.
9
00:02:14,434 --> 00:02:16,630
Prepare yourself,
it's not as big a house as they thought.
10
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,897
- I think the weather kept people home.
- See the marquee?
11
00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:22,736
It's like Night of the Living Dead.
I should fire you for this.
12
00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:25,811
...then you'll get a gray hair
in a place you thought...
13
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,574
...God would be nice enough
to just leave alone.
14
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,781
I'm liking menopause. Makes me surly.
15
00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:33,920
- Jackie B.
- Hey.
16
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:37,114
- Jimmie Walker.
- Jackie. Jackie Burke.
17
00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:39,486
Man, thanks for coming.
I really appreciate it.
18
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:40,820
Thanks for having me.
19
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:45,329
Hey, look. Small crowd,
but they're very, very lively.
20
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,797
Well, you know, I can play to one person.
21
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:50,027
Sometimes I play with myself.
22
00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:53,037
- Jackie. It's a family audience.
- Good.
23
00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:55,175
...you do one joke
about a gray snatch hair.
24
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:57,833
So you find the gray hair...
25
00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,947
And then he said, "Okay.
You know you have to brush this on."
26
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,777
Which, oh, quelle surprise,
I thought I'd just shake it up...
27
00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:07,546
...pour it down till it quit burning,
have a hot apple pie.
28
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:10,116
It's like I'm an addled girl.
29
00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:14,352
He goes, "You have to sit there
with your legs apart for a half hour."
30
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:18,623
"Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama, how
do you think we got the fence painted?"
31
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,867
That's my proudest joke.
32
00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:26,502
You're the best under fire!
33
00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:27,834
We love you, Grace!
34
00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:32,945
Miss Grace Under Fire, Miss Brett Butler!
35
00:03:35,748 --> 00:03:39,310
- How you doing?
- If I ever do one of these again, shoot me.
36
00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:41,249
Don't worry. I'll do us both with one bullet.
37
00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:45,255
We got a guy coming on now.
A legend, ladies and gentlemen.
38
00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:50,158
Hickory Dickory Dock,
I got to roll back the clock.
39
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:54,267
That's right. Because we are ready
to bring up a young man that...
40
00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:57,164
...when he was on TV...
41
00:03:57,337 --> 00:04:00,068
...there was no electricity.
42
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:04,871
When he was on TV, Little House
on the Prairie was just a shack...
43
00:04:05,044 --> 00:04:06,171
...ladies and gentlemen.
44
00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:08,941
- He is devastating...
- What am I getting for this gig?
45
00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:13,610
You get a percentage of the door.
So that's $11 and a burger.
46
00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:16,847
- Your commission's gonna be a pickle.
- Sure. Like always.
47
00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:23,395
The man that you know
from the hit sitcom Eddie's Home.
48
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:28,797
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's put our hands together for Eddie.
49
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:33,571
- Arlene.
- Eddie, look. I carved a pumpkin.
50
00:04:35,742 --> 00:04:37,438
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
51
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:40,637
- Arlene, when your son decides...
- We love your hair.
52
00:04:40,813 --> 00:04:42,611
...to dress up like a ballerina...
53
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,616
...it's no longer about trick-or-treating.
54
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,653
Eddie, he's only 11 and a half.
55
00:04:48,821 --> 00:04:51,950
Give him a chance to find himself.
He needs to explore.
56
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,788
- Arlene. Arlene.
- Explore.
57
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,395
Arlene!
58
00:04:56,562 --> 00:05:01,466
Mr. Jackie Burke is in the house,
ladies and gentlemen.
59
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,830
- You staying?
- Yeah. I'll drive you home.
60
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:06,165
Jackie Burke is here.
61
00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:07,807
Holy cow.
62
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,076
Eddie's home!
63
00:05:13,346 --> 00:05:15,042
Give it up.
64
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:19,449
Give it up
for JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker.
65
00:05:20,119 --> 00:05:25,558
He's the living proof that black might
not crack, but it definitely decomposes.
66
00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:30,127
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
67
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:35,834
Yeah. I know a lot of you are here
because you love Eddie. Yeah.
68
00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:38,335
Well, I have bad news for you.
69
00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:39,802
Eddie died.
70
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,865
Yeah.
71
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,476
Yeah. He died a long time ago,
30 years ago...
72
00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:47,273
...along with my career
and Brett Butler's eggs.
73
00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:52,274
Okay. Enough about me. Let's talk about
this abortion of a town you live in.
74
00:05:52,985 --> 00:05:57,320
Hicksville! How did they ever come up
with a name like "Hicksville"?
75
00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,356
I looked up "Hicksville" on Wikipedia.
76
00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:02,393
It said "inbreeding" and "crystal meth."
77
00:06:02,795 --> 00:06:06,630
So why don't you change your name to
something more pleasant like Somalia?
78
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,700
But don't worry, Hicksville.
79
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:11,360
When you grow up,
you, also, can change your name.
80
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:14,166
I changed my name.
I wasn't always "Jackie."
81
00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:17,139
When I was born, my parents named me,
you know what? Jakov.
82
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,471
No!
83
00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,203
Jakov Berkowitz.
84
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,509
Yeah. That's right. It's that big, girls.
85
00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:28,849
I mean, even the Jewish kids
beat me up with a name like that.
86
00:06:30,189 --> 00:06:32,920
Can I help you all with something, huh?
87
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:37,023
- What's going on here?
- Bachelorette party!
88
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,256
Bachelorette party!
89
00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,197
Eight girls sharing one brain.
90
00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:45,662
- Who's the lucky girl?
- I am.
91
00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:47,534
Don't look so happy, sweetheart.
92
00:06:47,707 --> 00:06:50,336
Right now, your fiancé's in a strip club
licking whipped cream...
93
00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:52,911
...out of some girl's asshole.
94
00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:57,278
Hey, come on, don't get sad.
I'm just breaking your balls.
95
00:06:57,450 --> 00:07:00,443
You're getting married to one dick
for the rest of your life.
96
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:05,018
What could be more exciting than that?
97
00:07:07,193 --> 00:07:10,357
Oh, my God, Jackie.
You shouldn't do marriage jokes.
98
00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:12,362
O.J. Simpson was
a better husband than you.
99
00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:17,298
It's not about you, you selfish bastard.
It's about them.
100
00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:19,905
Keep it light and fun and positive.
101
00:07:20,072 --> 00:07:25,443
Marriage will suck every speck
of life out of your soul...
102
00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:30,413
...until there's nothing left
but one big, giant, festering sore.
103
00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:34,778
Good luck.
104
00:07:35,321 --> 00:07:38,314
It's not just me. I don't think
humans were meant to be married.
105
00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:40,460
I mean, you want a relationship?
106
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:43,323
Get a canary, get a fish.
Get a fucking chicken.
107
00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,130
Get a dog.
108
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,167
A dog is always happy to see you.
A dog doesn't judge you.
109
00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:50,769
The dog is just there.
110
00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:54,601
I'm late, my dog's like,
"Hey, Jackie, no big deal."
111
00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:58,272
I forget to feed him,
"It's okay, Jackie. I'm a fat fuck.
112
00:07:58,444 --> 00:08:00,777
I gotta lose some weight. It's all right."
113
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:02,779
I come home smelling like pussy,
and he doesn't get mad.
114
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:04,417
He just wags his tail
and licks my fingers.
115
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:07,748
Enough of this "dog" shit!
Come on, do "Eddie."
116
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,821
Not now, pal, please. Can you help me out?
117
00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:13,153
Yeah. No. I didn't come here
to hear new shit.
118
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:16,455
- I came to see Eddie.
- Shut up.
119
00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:19,155
Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you be down
at the playground...
120
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,632
- ...luring kids into a windowless van?
- Hodor!
121
00:08:24,036 --> 00:08:25,664
Hey, I'm the audience.
122
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,808
You're here to entertain me.
You work for me.
123
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,640
You hear that? I work for him.
124
00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:35,308
All right, boss, how about you give me
an early Christmas bonus...
125
00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:37,609
...and tongue my balls.
126
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:44,322
Calm down.
You chose this career, you fucking idiot.
127
00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:46,686
You could've been a doctor or a lawyer...
128
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:50,626
...but you chose to beg drunken strangers
for love and attention.
129
00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:54,961
Just try to make everyone happy,
so you can go home and jerk off.
130
00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:57,501
Hey, look, man.
I don't wanna fight. Let's be friends.
131
00:08:57,670 --> 00:09:01,038
Can someone do me a favor,
get a drink for this guy...
132
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,699
...and a bag of oats for his wife.
133
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:07,305
- Bullshit. You getting this, Amy?
- I don't want that shit in our webisode.
134
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,348
Webisode? Your shit? What web...?
What the fuck are you doing?
135
00:09:10,516 --> 00:09:12,417
Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down.
136
00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:15,714
- Webisode 19.
- What you doing? Are you taping me?
137
00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:18,585
This is my show, old man.
I'm here to take you down.
138
00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:20,589
- Give me that.
- No, you give me that mic.
139
00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:23,695
- Take me down? What are you doing?
- Wanna go joke to joke with me, Eddie?
140
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:26,765
- Take your hands off my mic.
- You wanna dance? Let's go.
141
00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:29,164
- Let go of the mic.
- This is my show, buddy.
142
00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:30,530
You getting this, Amy? This is my show.
143
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:33,263
You're the joke, old man.
You're the fucking joke.
144
00:09:33,439 --> 00:09:35,203
- You want the mic? You want it?
- Yeah.
145
00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:41,204
Oh, shit! Baby!
146
00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:44,874
What is wrong with you? You crazy bastard!
147
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,888
Oh, my God, are you okay?
148
00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:51,024
And I'm here to take you down.
149
00:09:51,190 --> 00:09:54,058
What the fuck are you doing, my friend?
Give me that goddamn...
150
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:59,062
No, you give me that mic.
151
00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:04,192
Your Honor, as you can clearly see,
Mr. Severin grabbed Mr. Berkowitz first.
152
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:09,934
Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin
several times to desist, and he refused.
153
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,578
- Wanna go joke to joke with me?
- Let go of the mic.
154
00:10:12,745 --> 00:10:14,941
- Let go of the mic.
- You're the joke, old man.
155
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,412
Any objection to probation?
156
00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:20,347
With a strong public apology
and substantial community service.
157
00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:25,257
Jakob Berkowitz, please rise.
158
00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:28,986
Jakob Berkowitz, the court understands
there are mitigating circumstances...
159
00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:31,460
...but nothing excuses your retaliation.
160
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:36,069
It is in the judgment of this court that you
serve 100 hours of community service.
161
00:10:36,235 --> 00:10:38,170
You will attend
10 anger-management sessions...
162
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,840
...and you will make an allocution
and an apology.
163
00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:42,771
Do you understand, Mr. Berkowitz?
164
00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:43,966
- Yes, Your Honor.
- Good.
165
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,806
And in accordance with this agreement,
are you prepared to change your plea...
166
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,470
...from "not guilty" to "guilty"?
167
00:10:49,515 --> 00:10:50,881
- Yeah.
- Yes, Your Honor.
168
00:10:55,087 --> 00:10:57,488
"I admit to assault and battery
on Mr. Severin.
169
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,990
I recognize that I acted
in a weak and violent manner...
170
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:03,652
...and I will aggressively take steps
to ensure that it will never happen again.
171
00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:07,027
I also apologize to the court
and to my fans."
172
00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:10,459
Do you have anything to say
to Mr. Severin?
173
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:14,640
Yes, Your Honor.
174
00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:16,207
Sorry.
175
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:21,439
Come on, he can do better than that.
This is insulting. I'm hurt.
176
00:11:22,448 --> 00:11:26,613
Excuse me, Your Honor, but I think
the defendant can do better than that.
177
00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:28,778
Mr. Severin could've suffered
brain damage.
178
00:11:28,954 --> 00:11:31,651
Mr. Berkowitz, you wanna try that again?
179
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:40,292
Mr. Berkowitz...
180
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:46,668
- No.
- No?
181
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:48,432
No?
182
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:50,374
No. Your Honor...
183
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,705
...there's no way Mr. Severin
could've suffered brain damage...
184
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,575
...because according to the law,
the way I understand it...
185
00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:58,877
...it has not been proven in this courtroom
that Mr. Severin, in fact, has a brain.
186
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:03,580
Mr. Berkowitz,
do not test me today in my court.
187
00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:06,089
Look at him now, Your Honor.
You can tell by his face.
188
00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:08,420
The look like Donald Trump
banged Alfred E. Neuman...
189
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:10,222
...after a night of snorting thalidomide.
190
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,831
- Can he say that to me?
- Order in the court. Order in the court.
191
00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:14,990
- Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough.
- Jackie, that's enough.
192
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:16,499
- Let me talk!
- All right.
193
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,194
It isn't about me, Your Honor.
194
00:12:18,370 --> 00:12:20,862
It's about the fate of humanity,
which is in your hands.
195
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,100
Look at him. He's with that woman.
They were together that night.
196
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:24,766
What if they breed?
197
00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:26,707
Are you serious?
198
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:28,939
- Objection.
- Get him out of here.
199
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:31,243
- Mr. Berkowitz, you are in contempt.
- We had a deal.
200
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:33,545
The people have changed their mind.
No deal.
201
00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:37,349
Take him out of here. Nassau County
Correctional Facility for 30 days.
202
00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:39,354
Order in the court.
203
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:48,798
Up the stairs.
204
00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:53,399
All right, gentlemen, lock it in!
205
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,604
Stop at the top of the landing.
206
00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:11,055
Walk in four feet and stop.
207
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:23,034
Okay, gentlemen. Ready? Let's give
a warm welcome to our newest resident.
208
00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:25,667
He's the king of his castle
209
00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:30,672
Eddie's home
Where he's making a scene
210
00:13:30,843 --> 00:13:34,575
Eddie's home
With the kid and Arlene
211
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,147
Eddie's home...
212
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:39,945
Suck my dick, asshole!
You gonna be my bitch.
213
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:42,850
...or he's gonna kick your ass
214
00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:10,945
God, it's freezing.
Let me turn on these seat warmers.
215
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:13,517
Bet you didn't have those in there.
216
00:14:14,486 --> 00:14:16,478
I came up with some good stuff in there.
217
00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:18,681
Smart. Good.
218
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,293
I'd try it out on you,
but you never, you know...
219
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:24,396
- You have no sense of humor.
- No, I don't.
220
00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:27,126
I've never seen you laugh. Ever.
221
00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:29,165
- No, you haven't.
- Why is that?
222
00:14:29,335 --> 00:14:32,703
Can you imagine if I had to be
an audience for all my comics?
223
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,898
"You laughed at his joke,
you didn't laugh at mine."
224
00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:37,235
"You think he's funny.
He's not even that funny."
225
00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:41,312
Forget it. I just react to no one,
that way everybody feels equal.
226
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,881
So you call that personal management?
227
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:45,984
Your father, at least,
had affection for his clients.
228
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:48,985
Well, affection
his clients didn't have for him.
229
00:14:49,154 --> 00:14:50,918
Got you the TV show, and you fired him.
230
00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:53,490
No, that was a William Morris
package deal. Your father understood.
231
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:55,423
Great. Just don't talk to me
about affection.
232
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:58,530
I'm not talking about affection.
I'm talking about getting work.
233
00:14:58,697 --> 00:15:00,928
You gotta stay in New York
to serve out your sentence, right?
234
00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:03,034
There are no money gigs for you here.
235
00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:04,761
You can do club work, $30 a show.
236
00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:07,736
It will take you 7000 shows
just to pay off your attorney.
237
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:11,935
I will get you Indian Casino,
Princess Cruise...
238
00:15:12,144 --> 00:15:13,942
...something like that in a few months.
239
00:15:14,146 --> 00:15:16,047
But as you know, they are hiring "Eddie."
240
00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:19,049
I mean, I'm... I'm hot now. I'm viral.
241
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:22,188
Take advantage of it.
Your father would've known how to do that.
242
00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:25,552
"Miller the Killer" I'd call him because
your old man would kill to get me a gig.
243
00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:29,252
Yeah. Yeah. He loved it
when you called him that.
244
00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:36,367
It killed him when you stopped.
245
00:15:36,535 --> 00:15:38,265
Come on.
246
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,316
Hey.
247
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,552
Hey.
248
00:15:56,722 --> 00:16:00,716
- What are you doing here?
- Happy Thanksgiving, baby.
249
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,627
Thanks. You said you weren't coming.
250
00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:05,959
I flew in last night.
251
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,760
- Get in the car. I'll take you to work.
- I'm just gonna take the train.
252
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,802
- It's freezing. Get in the fucking car.
- I'm already... No. No.
253
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,769
I'm not gonna take a limo
to the soup kitchen.
254
00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:15,805
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Goddamn it. Follow us.
255
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,069
Yes, Mr. Schiltz.
256
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:20,672
Jesus, it's 80 in Boca.
257
00:16:20,846 --> 00:16:23,077
Well, then go home, Dad.
258
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:26,778
Let me make this simple for you:
I need you to come back.
259
00:16:26,952 --> 00:16:29,512
- That what you wanna hear?
- I don't wanna hear anything.
260
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,418
The place doesn't work
the same without you.
261
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:35,425
Those old people are not happy because
you're not there to take care of them.
262
00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:38,291
We found something you're good at.
Why walk away from that?
263
00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:41,593
See. That's what you do.
Don't say things like that.
264
00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:44,168
- That's not nice. Don't...
- I meant it as a compliment.
265
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,828
It's not a compliment.
How is that a compliment?
266
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,443
You make me seem like I'm some kind of
problem that needs to be solved.
267
00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:53,135
- Or like I can't figure things...
- You are a problem.
268
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:56,714
- I'm not doing this on my block.
- But I love you.
269
00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:58,817
That isn't love.
270
00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:02,819
My lawyer worked out an arrangement
with the court, so you can finish...
271
00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:06,857
- ...your community service in Florida.
- You can't do that without me.
272
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,551
You can't do that without me.
273
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:12,562
What's in New York for you?
You got cheated on. You got dumped.
274
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:13,858
- So what?
- You got arrested.
275
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,468
- So what?
- These are not signs of success...
276
00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:18,331
...in this city.
277
00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:22,239
- Go home, Dad.
- Hey.
278
00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:26,209
A week from Monday's my birthday
and you're having dinner with me.
279
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:30,213
No ifs, ands or buts.
You got it? Because...
280
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:33,418
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
281
00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:35,144
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
282
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,188
You make me happy
When skies are gray
283
00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:39,416
Don't sing.
284
00:17:39,591 --> 00:17:41,219
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you
285
00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:43,692
Okay to dinner.
No singing. No more singing.
286
00:17:43,862 --> 00:17:46,195
Please don't take my sunshine away
287
00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:49,233
And having dinner with me is not a gift!
288
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:52,030
I want a gift too!
289
00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:15,592
Here he is.
290
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,696
The prick who came in from the cold.
291
00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:19,889
Place looks good.
292
00:18:20,065 --> 00:18:22,694
It smells a lot more Jewish than before.
293
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:25,929
Hey, Jay. You know
my famous brother, Jackie Burke?
294
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,199
- How you doing?
- Hi, Jay.
295
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,137
Probably needs money.
296
00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:35,376
I need to talk to you.
297
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,314
I was right?
298
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:40,214
Jesus, I was kidding.
299
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:43,586
- So you need money?
- No, it's fine. I'm fine.
300
00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:46,054
Just doing my community service
over at the Apostles Mission.
301
00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:48,217
I was in the neighborhood.
Thought I'd say hello.
302
00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:50,726
Community service?
I saw the fucking video.
303
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:52,660
How could you let
a heckler get to you like that?
304
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,562
It wasn't about the heckling.
It was the goddamn camera.
305
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:58,829
You know what they were doing?
Trying to use my act for their show.
306
00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:01,439
Create their show out of my act.
It was crazy.
307
00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:03,599
- You looked crazy.
- Yeah. So how are you?
308
00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:04,799
- I'm good. You?
- Good.
309
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,675
I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
Look, the only thing is, I... I...
310
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:12,079
I lost a lot of gigs the last four weeks
because of what happened.
311
00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:15,915
And Miller's re-booking them,
but I'm tapped out. I need a little...
312
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:18,148
You know what?
You got a lot of fucking nerve.
313
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:21,293
- I don't see you. I don't hear from you.
- It happened so fast.
314
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:24,988
- They take your phone in prison.
- I read in Google News you got arrested.
315
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,030
- Like I'm nothing to you.
- A lot of naked men.
316
00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:29,668
- Am I nothing to you? Is my family?
- I was preoccupied.
317
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,428
- Is that why...?
- Jackie.
318
00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:38,533
Hello, Flo.
319
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,672
- How nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
320
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,375
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving to you.
321
00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:50,284
- We haven't seen you for how long?
- Please...
322
00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:53,186
- Well, I was in prison.
- Oh, no, long before that.
323
00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:56,055
- So nice to see you.
- Nice to see you too. Nice to see you.
324
00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:58,060
- How are the kids?
- Kid.
325
00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:00,461
- We have one kid.
- She's an adult now.
326
00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:02,726
- I forgot. Dementia.
- Yeah. Yeah.
327
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:04,198
- She's getting married.
- Is she?
328
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:07,237
Brittany's getting married?
I thought she was a dyke.
329
00:20:08,473 --> 00:20:11,170
You say "lesbian," asshole.
330
00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:14,040
- Sorry. You're right. I meant "gay."
- And they get married.
331
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,910
- They can get married.
- You don't have to come.
332
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:18,380
He doesn't have to come.
333
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,576
We sent you an invitation.
We heard nothing.
334
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:23,051
- I was in prison. I told you.
- Before that.
335
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,485
He doesn't have to come if he's busy.
336
00:20:24,656 --> 00:20:26,386
You don't have to come
if it's too much trouble.
337
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:29,084
- It's not too much trouble.
- If it's too much trouble, don't come.
338
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,821
I don't need the aggravation
if it's trouble for you.
339
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:34,193
- I don't want it to become a thing.
- It's not a thing.
340
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:37,564
- If it's gonna be a thing, don't bother.
- I don't think it's a thing.
341
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:41,173
It's not a problem. It's not a thing.
I would love to come. I'll be there.
342
00:20:43,275 --> 00:20:46,837
- It's a week from Sunday. Yes.
- A week from Sunday? I will be there.
343
00:20:48,714 --> 00:20:52,913
So you wanna stay and have
Thanksgiving dinner after we close?
344
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:57,022
Not really. I have an excuse though,
and I'll tell you what it is.
345
00:20:57,189 --> 00:21:01,126
I'm working at the mission. Double the
hours off my sentence for Thanksgiving.
346
00:21:05,063 --> 00:21:08,090
God forbid you do it because it's nice.
347
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,133
I need to speak to you...
348
00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:12,498
...when you two are finished.
349
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,636
Not in this house.
350
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:24,074
- Oh, she hates me.
- No, she doesn't hate you.
351
00:21:24,249 --> 00:21:25,547
She doesn't?
352
00:21:25,717 --> 00:21:28,118
Yeah, I was fucking with you.
Of course she hates you.
353
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,415
You never show up
unless you need something.
354
00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:31,887
- That's it?
- Yeah.
355
00:21:32,057 --> 00:21:34,891
Sensitive bitch.
None of my wives hated you.
356
00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:38,053
You were never married to any of them
long enough to meet me.
357
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:40,096
So how much you need?
358
00:21:40,832 --> 00:21:43,825
I don't even remember. I'm so exhausted.
359
00:21:44,569 --> 00:21:46,629
Pop liked me better.
360
00:21:47,105 --> 00:21:48,971
Daddy did not like you better.
361
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:51,542
- No, he didn't.
- No, he didn't.
362
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:55,774
Five thousand. No big deal.
You know you'll get it back.
363
00:21:57,749 --> 00:22:00,651
"You'll get it back." Yeah, I'll get it back.
364
00:22:08,126 --> 00:22:10,186
Daddy loved you. You know that.
365
00:22:10,362 --> 00:22:11,921
He did.
366
00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:20,470
My daughter idolizes her famous uncle.
367
00:22:21,807 --> 00:22:23,332
You better show up.
368
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:25,936
Thanks.
369
00:22:26,111 --> 00:22:27,374
And bring a gift.
370
00:22:28,213 --> 00:22:29,681
That's gonna be extra.
371
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,840
Go on.
372
00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:46,128
Growing up, my family celebrated
all the Thanksgiving traditions.
373
00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:49,962
My favorite was my Uncle Moshit's
telling of the Thanksgiving story.
374
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,531
Anyway. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
375
00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:55,902
Wow, did Duck Dynasty get canceled?
376
00:22:56,708 --> 00:23:00,145
Chris Rock, what the fuck
are you doing here?
377
00:23:00,312 --> 00:23:02,907
Hey, Chris, I was just telling
my Thanksgiving story.
378
00:23:03,415 --> 00:23:06,351
Uncle Moshit told me
that before the first Thanksgiving...
379
00:23:06,852 --> 00:23:09,754
...the pilgrims thought
that turkeys were sex objects.
380
00:23:09,921 --> 00:23:13,915
They couldn't fly, and "gobble-gobble"
was Puritan for "blowjob."
381
00:23:14,126 --> 00:23:18,393
So when the Indians arrived,
right after the Macy's Day Parade...
382
00:23:18,563 --> 00:23:20,657
...they brought turkeys all trussed up.
383
00:23:20,832 --> 00:23:24,234
They were with cranberry sauce
and gravy and potatoes...
384
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:26,770
...and the Pilgrims were like...
They were pissed.
385
00:23:26,938 --> 00:23:30,602
They were like, "What are they doing?
They're eating our fuck birds."
386
00:23:30,776 --> 00:23:33,405
But you know, being Puritans,
they don't wanna be rude.
387
00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:36,013
But you know what? It turned out...
388
00:23:36,181 --> 00:23:41,882
...that the turkeys tasted even better
than going down on their wives!
389
00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:44,755
Yeah!
390
00:23:45,791 --> 00:23:47,919
Would you believe that? That's the truth.
391
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:50,289
So, what do you think the Puritans did?
392
00:23:50,462 --> 00:23:54,866
The Puritans stopped fucking the turkeys
and started fucking the Indians instead.
393
00:23:55,033 --> 00:23:56,729
That's how we stole their country...
394
00:23:56,902 --> 00:23:59,872
...and made the turkey our national bird.
395
00:24:02,574 --> 00:24:04,702
- Supervisor's office?
- There. Yeah.
396
00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:06,401
Up there?
397
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,557
You really are a piece of shit,
you know that, George?
398
00:24:18,723 --> 00:24:21,124
Oh, how is it my fault?
399
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:22,886
How is this my fault?
400
00:24:23,061 --> 00:24:27,055
I didn't it throw at her. I threw it at you,
and she stepped in the way.
401
00:24:27,232 --> 00:24:29,098
That's on her. That's not on me.
402
00:24:29,267 --> 00:24:32,135
Who does that? She does.
Are you still seeing her?
403
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:35,968
Are you with her? You're not with her.
You're not with her.
404
00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:39,077
I follow you on Instagram, you moron.
405
00:24:39,244 --> 00:24:41,440
I see what you're doing.
406
00:24:41,613 --> 00:24:44,708
Fuck you, George. Well, fuck you, then!
407
00:24:45,350 --> 00:24:47,342
No, fuck you, George.
408
00:24:47,519 --> 00:24:50,512
No. I am taking the high road right now.
409
00:24:50,722 --> 00:24:54,955
So are we gonna see each other again,
or is this over for good?
410
00:25:01,533 --> 00:25:03,331
Fuck you.
411
00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:04,993
Goddamn it.
412
00:25:06,371 --> 00:25:07,805
Kevin, you got the keys?
413
00:25:07,973 --> 00:25:09,669
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry... I...
414
00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:12,538
Why are you standing there,
listening to a private conversation?
415
00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:15,111
- I wasn't listening.
- It's a private conversation.
416
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,772
- I wasn't listening. I was...
- You can't eavesdrop...
417
00:25:17,949 --> 00:25:20,111
- ...on a private conversation.
- I wasn't.
418
00:25:20,285 --> 00:25:23,722
They asked me to come up
to have you sign this for my hours.
419
00:25:23,889 --> 00:25:25,687
You want the supervisor. That's Bobbi.
420
00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:27,120
- She's at the store.
- Okay.
421
00:25:27,292 --> 00:25:28,954
- And I'm allowed to be here.
- Sorry.
422
00:25:29,127 --> 00:25:31,619
- I didn't say you weren't.
- There's no cell service here...
423
00:25:31,796 --> 00:25:34,197
...but don't say anything to anyone. Okay?
424
00:25:34,366 --> 00:25:35,390
I won't say a thing.
425
00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:39,026
Believe me. I will not say a thing.
I just don't wanna be that guy George.
426
00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:41,833
- What do you know about George?
- He's a piece of shit.
427
00:25:42,007 --> 00:25:44,033
Yeah, he is a piece of shit.
428
00:25:44,209 --> 00:25:47,145
- You got that right.
- Sounds like it.
429
00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:49,905
I know you, right? You're Jackie Burke.
430
00:25:50,081 --> 00:25:51,140
I am.
431
00:25:51,316 --> 00:25:54,411
My dad used to love your TV show.
We've watched every episode.
432
00:25:54,586 --> 00:25:56,145
Always nice to meet a fan.
433
00:25:56,321 --> 00:25:59,314
Yeah. Well, we just had the one TV.
434
00:26:01,026 --> 00:26:03,325
- What's your name?
- Harmony Schiltz.
435
00:26:03,495 --> 00:26:05,054
Harmony Schiltz?
436
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:07,790
Were your parents
in a Nazi barbershop quartet?
437
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,367
- Yeah.
- It's always nice to see women laugh.
438
00:26:11,836 --> 00:26:13,828
Once you can make a woman laugh...
439
00:26:14,005 --> 00:26:17,498
...then you can make her do anything,
they say. I don't know if that's true.
440
00:26:17,676 --> 00:26:20,202
- Is that what they say?
- It's an old saying.
441
00:26:20,612 --> 00:26:23,605
Like a very, very old saying?
442
00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:39,529
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are now beginning the third set...
443
00:26:39,698 --> 00:26:43,066
...with the terrific Art Blakey
and his Jazz Messengers...
444
00:26:43,234 --> 00:26:45,260
...from the jazz corner of the world.
445
00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:49,602
Lee Morgan on trumpet, Wayne Shorter
on the tenor saxophone...
446
00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:54,109
...Bobby Timmons on the piano,
Jymie Merritt on the bass.
447
00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:57,738
- Soul Brothers on the scene now.
- Soul Brothers on the scene now.
448
00:26:57,916 --> 00:27:00,943
- Gonna really do a cool one for you.
- Gonna really do a cool one for you.
449
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,953
How about a nice hand,
everybody, together...
450
00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:08,560
For the one and only Art Blakey
and his Jazz Messengers?
451
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:35,485
Hey, jailbird, what's up?
452
00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:37,316
Hey, Jackie, how's your asshole?
453
00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:38,684
Can I get you something?
454
00:27:38,890 --> 00:27:42,019
- Like a hemorrhoidal donut?
- Get Jackie a Chivas on the rocks.
455
00:27:42,794 --> 00:27:44,626
Buy him a drink, but you won't book him?
456
00:27:44,796 --> 00:27:46,094
- Less risky.
- Why?
457
00:27:46,264 --> 00:27:50,326
Because he's out of control.
Too much baggage.
458
00:27:52,904 --> 00:27:57,501
On my way up there, I saw
a group of cops, six of them, on horses.
459
00:27:57,676 --> 00:27:59,508
Can they do real cop stuff?
460
00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:02,273
Because every time I see them,
they're like:
461
00:28:03,615 --> 00:28:06,016
"Easy. Easy.
462
00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:10,454
Sure, I'll take a picture."
463
00:28:12,791 --> 00:28:15,454
My parents are immigrants.
They're from Taiwan.
464
00:28:15,627 --> 00:28:17,323
They moved to Texas when I was a baby.
465
00:28:17,495 --> 00:28:20,795
And I think immigration is fucking crazy.
466
00:28:20,965 --> 00:28:23,560
Can you imagine moving
to a completely foreign country...
467
00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:27,297
...just so your offspring
would have more opportunities?
468
00:28:29,174 --> 00:28:32,144
Then your kid goes into stand-up comedy.
469
00:28:33,678 --> 00:28:37,171
I'm Puerto Rican,
which means I'm a Mexican with papers.
470
00:28:37,749 --> 00:28:40,810
I was a teenage-pregnancy case.
That's how we do it in my family.
471
00:28:40,985 --> 00:28:43,819
We have our babies, then we get a job,
then we get our periods.
472
00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:48,224
I love New York City, but there's
some attitude here. A little attitude.
473
00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:51,227
I could never live anywhere else.
474
00:28:52,864 --> 00:28:56,665
I don't know. It's a great city,
but, come on...
475
00:28:56,835 --> 00:29:00,237
...the greatest city in the world?
It's the only place I've ever been...
476
00:29:00,405 --> 00:29:04,001
"What's that smell?"
"Oh, that's the greatest city in the world."
477
00:29:04,609 --> 00:29:07,101
If the bathroom door's locked
and I got my iPad...
478
00:29:07,278 --> 00:29:09,577
...you know what I'm doing,
so don't knock please.
479
00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:11,683
It's one of those things. Breaks the flow.
480
00:29:11,850 --> 00:29:15,014
Like when you're fucking
and the phone rings and it's your mother.
481
00:29:16,187 --> 00:29:18,986
Like, why are you calling me?
I'm right next to you.
482
00:29:20,091 --> 00:29:24,028
Oh, I just improv'd that.
I didn't mean to get blue.
483
00:29:24,195 --> 00:29:27,723
Sorry. Incest, it's the only thing
that gets people back at 2 a.m.
484
00:29:35,540 --> 00:29:39,375
We like to think RAW TV
is the progressive alternative to networks.
485
00:29:39,544 --> 00:29:41,638
She lost me when she said,
"We like to think."
486
00:29:41,813 --> 00:29:43,441
Jackie...
487
00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:47,552
Scared to Death is the most-watched
new show on basic cable.
488
00:29:48,052 --> 00:29:50,647
- Carol Bock will be right with you.
- Thank you.
489
00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:53,622
"Raw" meaning half-baked?
490
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:55,385
No. Raw as in "rough."
491
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:57,961
You went viral because
you beat the shit out of somebody...
492
00:29:58,129 --> 00:29:59,563
...that's a plus for them.
493
00:29:59,731 --> 00:30:03,463
Scared to Death. Maybe I should've
worn my Halloween costume.
494
00:30:04,969 --> 00:30:09,339
Eddie's serving a 15-year sentence
for beating a heckler to death.
495
00:30:09,541 --> 00:30:12,409
- Where'd that idea come from?
- Guess.
496
00:30:12,577 --> 00:30:14,671
Anyway, he becomes
the convict king of the prison.
497
00:30:14,846 --> 00:30:19,284
He runs everything. He runs the drugs,
sex, extortion, everything.
498
00:30:19,450 --> 00:30:22,420
Any kind of crime that's in the prison,
he's in control of.
499
00:30:22,587 --> 00:30:26,490
And then the other gang leaders,
the Crips, the Bloods, the Aryan Nation...
500
00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:28,820
...the Mexican Mafia,
they all come to him.
501
00:30:28,993 --> 00:30:31,861
And he's tough, he's ruthless, but funny.
502
00:30:32,263 --> 00:30:36,598
It's like Breaking Bad on acid, but funny.
503
00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:38,634
- Main thing is...
- And pure Jackie Burke.
504
00:30:38,803 --> 00:30:40,533
- You'll write?
- I'll write the pilot...
505
00:30:40,705 --> 00:30:42,640
...and I'll punch up all the scripts.
506
00:30:42,807 --> 00:30:46,209
Our channel's target audience is 18-24.
507
00:30:46,377 --> 00:30:49,472
He plays to that demo all the time.
They will eat this up.
508
00:30:49,647 --> 00:30:52,207
- You got a title?
- Burke on the Block.
509
00:30:52,951 --> 00:30:54,977
I'm open to anything.
You know your audience.
510
00:30:55,153 --> 00:30:57,850
Burke on the Block. It's funny.
511
00:30:59,023 --> 00:31:00,958
Okay. Great.
512
00:31:01,125 --> 00:31:03,287
I just have to say, Eddie...
513
00:31:03,461 --> 00:31:05,657
God... Sorry.
514
00:31:05,830 --> 00:31:08,527
- I mean, Jackie.
- It's... No. No worries.
515
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:10,965
Jackie. I can't believe I said that.
516
00:31:11,135 --> 00:31:14,003
- It's all right. Don't worry.
- The idea's delicious.
517
00:31:14,172 --> 00:31:16,732
Your YouTube video, a lot of hits.
518
00:31:18,176 --> 00:31:22,409
Let me bandy it about with my posse here.
There's a lot of stuff to consider.
519
00:31:22,614 --> 00:31:24,310
How much time do you need?
520
00:31:24,482 --> 00:31:28,886
I just have to tell you, Jackie,
you are the reason I am in television.
521
00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:30,749
In television comedy.
522
00:31:30,922 --> 00:31:35,519
When I was a kid,
I remember laughing so hard at you.
523
00:31:35,693 --> 00:31:37,924
I couldn't wait to grow up.
It is so cool to meet you.
524
00:31:38,129 --> 00:31:39,563
Thank you.
525
00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:42,565
But, listen, the idea is terrific,
and we'll...
526
00:31:42,734 --> 00:31:44,259
Did I hear a "but"?
527
00:31:44,435 --> 00:31:46,063
I thought I heard a "but."
528
00:31:46,237 --> 00:31:47,899
Did we hear a "but"?
529
00:31:48,072 --> 00:31:51,907
There's a lot of butts sitting here, but
does "but" mean "Give me some time"?
530
00:31:52,076 --> 00:31:55,171
"Let me think about it"?
"Maybe never"? "Whatever"?
531
00:31:55,346 --> 00:31:59,249
Jackie, "but" is part
of my job description.
532
00:31:59,417 --> 00:32:02,444
But we don't have to go past "but."
It's not necessary.
533
00:32:02,654 --> 00:32:06,216
Time is of the essence. Not everybody
has a lot of time, especially me "but."
534
00:32:06,391 --> 00:32:09,088
Carol is just explaining
that there's a process...
535
00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:11,729
I know the process.
She's explaining the process.
536
00:32:11,896 --> 00:32:14,422
But the process is
we're not interested, "but."
537
00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:15,760
Thank you, "but."
538
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:19,029
- And I say, so long, thank you too, "but."
- Thanks for coming in.
539
00:32:19,203 --> 00:32:22,071
- Thank you.
- I will give you a call.
540
00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:27,370
Jackie.
541
00:32:27,545 --> 00:32:29,411
You see her fucking feet on that table?
542
00:32:29,580 --> 00:32:31,071
- Who does she think she is?
- I did.
543
00:32:31,249 --> 00:32:33,718
- She is a fan who runs a cable network.
- Fucking bitch. Yeah.
544
00:32:33,885 --> 00:32:36,286
She had a neon sign on her forehead
that said "no."
545
00:32:36,454 --> 00:32:38,116
There are new executives out there.
546
00:32:38,289 --> 00:32:41,657
You have to cultivate them. They say
"no" now, come back with another idea.
547
00:32:41,826 --> 00:32:45,285
Gonna tap dance for these fucking idiots
who don't have an ounce of talent.
548
00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:47,125
They're gonna tell me what's funny?
549
00:32:47,298 --> 00:32:50,826
- Being funny isn't enough anymore.
- Now you're fired.
550
00:32:51,736 --> 00:32:55,434
Jackie! Jackie, come on! Jackie, please!
551
00:33:02,947 --> 00:33:06,975
It's a little tight on you.
I think you should get something bigger.
552
00:33:07,151 --> 00:33:09,620
It's the shirt that makes the man. Right?
553
00:33:09,787 --> 00:33:11,278
- You know it.
- There you go.
554
00:33:11,456 --> 00:33:13,254
This is you. This is you.
555
00:33:13,424 --> 00:33:15,916
You're gonna like the way you look.
I guarantee it.
556
00:33:16,094 --> 00:33:17,494
Wait a minute.
557
00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:21,656
You're that guy on TV.
Eddie's Home, right?
558
00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:24,302
- How'd you wind up here?
- That's a good question.
559
00:33:24,469 --> 00:33:25,698
Here I am. What can I do?
560
00:33:25,870 --> 00:33:29,307
- Jail? The slammer? What happened?
- I was and had to do community service.
561
00:33:29,474 --> 00:33:32,842
- Here I am. Stuck. What am I gonna do?
- There you go. See?
562
00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:36,641
- You guys are all homeless, right?
- Yeah. Pretty much homeless. Yeah.
563
00:33:36,814 --> 00:33:39,306
Where are all the bums?
The guys that don't wanna work.
564
00:33:39,484 --> 00:33:43,114
What happens with them?
I'm getting confused. I want to work...
565
00:33:43,287 --> 00:33:46,189
...but I don't want any of the jobs
I can actually get.
566
00:33:46,357 --> 00:33:50,294
So I guess you could say, for me...
567
00:33:50,461 --> 00:33:53,056
...it's more... Being a bum
is more of a career choice.
568
00:33:53,264 --> 00:33:54,892
- True.
- Gotta do what you gotta do.
569
00:33:55,066 --> 00:33:57,035
- That's it. That's what I gotta do.
- Yeah.
570
00:33:57,201 --> 00:33:59,295
You lie in your own bed, you sleep in it.
571
00:33:59,470 --> 00:34:00,802
Good advice. I like that.
572
00:34:00,972 --> 00:34:02,804
- Where'd you learn that?
- An old wives' tale.
573
00:34:02,974 --> 00:34:05,773
- Mike, cover for me for a minute. Okay?
- Yeah.
574
00:34:10,915 --> 00:34:12,178
Hi.
575
00:34:12,350 --> 00:34:16,549
Shit. You keep sneaking up on me
like that. Why do you keep doing that?
576
00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:19,885
I don't know. Maybe it's something
I picked up in prison.
577
00:34:20,858 --> 00:34:22,918
By the way,
I watched that YouTube video...
578
00:34:23,094 --> 00:34:25,723
...and for what it's worth,
you were absolutely right...
579
00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:28,366
...to hit that guy in the face
with a microphone.
580
00:34:28,533 --> 00:34:30,263
- Thanks.
- He deserved it.
581
00:34:30,435 --> 00:34:33,564
But my dad's an ex-con,
so I don't know what kind of judge I am.
582
00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:36,037
- How many hours did you get?
- A hundred. You?
583
00:34:36,207 --> 00:34:38,733
Two fifty. For what?
584
00:34:39,077 --> 00:34:41,512
- Assault.
- Me too.
585
00:34:42,447 --> 00:34:45,383
You got a hundred for assault.
Why is that fair?
586
00:34:45,550 --> 00:34:48,076
Why does that make sense?
That makes no sense at all.
587
00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:51,689
Why should a man get less
than a woman? For the same thing.
588
00:34:51,856 --> 00:34:54,917
That makes zero sense.
Not that I mind working here...
589
00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:58,188
...because I really do love being here,
but that's bullshit.
590
00:34:58,362 --> 00:35:00,297
What'd you do, get the celebrity discount?
591
00:35:00,465 --> 00:35:02,457
No, they gave me 30 days in jail.
592
00:35:03,935 --> 00:35:06,962
Well, next time, don't hit someone
in the head with a microphone.
593
00:35:07,138 --> 00:35:09,403
- Yeah. I was provoked.
- Well, I was provoked.
594
00:35:09,574 --> 00:35:12,408
- I was provoked.
- You found him in bed with somebody?
595
00:35:12,577 --> 00:35:14,944
Yeah. How'd you know?
596
00:35:15,113 --> 00:35:18,379
I've been there. I recognized
the key you were screaming in.
597
00:35:18,549 --> 00:35:19,573
So, what'd you do?
598
00:35:20,885 --> 00:35:23,320
I dislocated his jaw, accidentally.
599
00:35:23,488 --> 00:35:25,320
Well, what about her?
600
00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:31,430
She put her hand up to block
a very small lamp, and her wrist broke.
601
00:35:31,596 --> 00:35:33,622
- Oh, okay.
- So...
602
00:35:34,799 --> 00:35:38,634
You know, I'm sorry, I...
603
00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:43,138
- If... I'm sorry I was rude the other day.
- No, I wasn't coming on strong.
604
00:35:43,307 --> 00:35:47,335
I hope you didn't think I was. I just figured
that you and I are doing time together...
605
00:35:47,512 --> 00:35:50,482
...so us cons gotta stick together
in a place like this.
606
00:35:51,782 --> 00:35:53,944
Motherfucker.
607
00:35:54,118 --> 00:35:55,814
Motherfucker!
608
00:35:55,987 --> 00:35:58,422
- Shit!
- Oh, okay.
609
00:35:58,589 --> 00:36:01,991
Goddamn it. Shit.
610
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,095
Okay. Okay.
611
00:36:05,296 --> 00:36:09,461
This is the worst day ever.
This is the shittiest day ever.
612
00:36:09,634 --> 00:36:11,967
I can't catch a fucking break.
613
00:36:12,136 --> 00:36:14,037
Goddamn it.
614
00:36:14,205 --> 00:36:16,800
Shit. I'm sorry.
615
00:36:16,974 --> 00:36:18,533
I don't need... I'm...
616
00:36:18,709 --> 00:36:22,441
You know what? Let's get a broom.
This is too messy for... We...
617
00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:26,147
It's all right. It's all right.
It's just a bunch of olives.
618
00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:30,018
Hey, look, are you free tonight?
619
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:32,521
- What?
- Are you free tonight?
620
00:36:33,357 --> 00:36:36,623
What, like a date?
No, I'm not going on a date with you.
621
00:36:36,794 --> 00:36:39,992
We can call it a date, or it'll be
an appointment, doesn't matter.
622
00:36:40,164 --> 00:36:42,190
No date. And I'm not sleeping with you.
623
00:36:42,366 --> 00:36:45,734
- That's not what I wanna do.
- I'm not asking you to sleep with me.
624
00:36:45,937 --> 00:36:48,031
I'm asking you to go
on an appointment with me.
625
00:36:48,206 --> 00:36:50,471
Look, you had a terrible day.
You just said it.
626
00:36:50,641 --> 00:36:52,701
Let me take you to a place.
You might have a nice time.
627
00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:56,177
My life is going great right now,
so I don't know if you think...
628
00:36:56,347 --> 00:36:59,977
...my life isn't going great
because I am fine. I'm perfectly fine.
629
00:37:00,151 --> 00:37:03,918
So I don't need you telling me
that my life isn't going great...
630
00:37:04,088 --> 00:37:06,990
...but if I have time tonight,
I'll check my calendar...
631
00:37:07,158 --> 00:37:10,424
...and make sure that I have time.
If I do, then maybe I'll go.
632
00:37:10,595 --> 00:37:12,359
Good. So why don't you come?
633
00:37:14,398 --> 00:37:16,867
- Well, what time?
- After your shift.
634
00:37:17,034 --> 00:37:18,058
All right.
635
00:37:18,236 --> 00:37:21,729
So I'll check and see if I'm free,
then I'll meet you upstairs after work.
636
00:37:21,906 --> 00:37:24,273
I'll be outside
just like the other homeless people.
637
00:37:24,475 --> 00:37:28,105
I'll be on the ground over there.
Wake me up. Make sure you wake me up.
638
00:37:28,279 --> 00:37:30,009
- So I smell like olives.
- Don't worry.
639
00:37:30,181 --> 00:37:31,911
Are you gonna help me clean this up?
640
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,712
If you go with me,
I'll help you clean it up.
641
00:37:36,087 --> 00:37:38,750
You ever notice that all old Jewish people
have the same face...
642
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:43,190
...even when they're saying
something positive? "It's gorgeous outside.
643
00:37:43,361 --> 00:37:45,853
I'm so grateful I'm healthy."
644
00:37:46,030 --> 00:37:48,226
Are you sure you're okay?
You look like shit.
645
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:52,437
I went to visit my grandmother recently,
and all these old Jewish women...
646
00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:55,801
...sit around and play mah-jongg and
all sound like little bees when they talk.
647
00:37:56,007 --> 00:37:57,873
You know, they hunch over:
648
00:38:04,015 --> 00:38:05,039
...salmon.
649
00:38:05,216 --> 00:38:10,211
Anyway, so I go to find her, and she's
not there and I go up to her friend Rona...
650
00:38:10,388 --> 00:38:12,721
...and I said, "Rona, do you know
where my grandmother is?"
651
00:38:12,890 --> 00:38:18,295
She goes "I don't know, darling,
but I'll let her know you're looking for her...
652
00:38:20,598 --> 00:38:22,066
...trust fund."
653
00:38:22,233 --> 00:38:23,724
Anyway, so...
654
00:38:23,901 --> 00:38:28,396
...I walk away, and I hear her yell out
in the middle of the card room:
655
00:38:28,572 --> 00:38:34,102
"That's Bee Fobman's granddaughter.
She's a lesbian magician."
656
00:38:35,813 --> 00:38:38,282
You know what I did?
I fucked her and made her disappear.
657
00:38:38,449 --> 00:38:39,678
Isn't that amazing?
658
00:38:40,584 --> 00:38:43,486
You guys are awesome.
Don't clap. It'll never fill the hole.
659
00:38:43,654 --> 00:38:46,419
Look who's here. Oh, my God.
660
00:38:46,590 --> 00:38:50,823
It's Jackie Burke.
Jackie Burke's in the crowd.
661
00:38:50,995 --> 00:38:54,932
That is... I have not seen you in so long.
662
00:38:55,099 --> 00:38:58,661
Isn't it adorable when celebrities bring
their hookers to the club?
663
00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:00,930
Isn't that amazing? Isn't that awesome?
664
00:39:01,105 --> 00:39:03,074
What did he do to get you here?
665
00:39:05,710 --> 00:39:09,511
That he would buy me an ass...
Ice-cream cone.
666
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:11,706
"Ass cream" is amazing.
667
00:39:11,882 --> 00:39:13,373
That's so cute.
668
00:39:13,584 --> 00:39:17,214
I tasted ass cream,
and it is so delicious.
669
00:39:17,388 --> 00:39:18,822
There's all kinds of flavors.
670
00:39:18,989 --> 00:39:22,221
What kind of flavor ass cream
would you get if you...?
671
00:39:22,393 --> 00:39:25,989
You need to be careful
because those sprinkles will be roofies.
672
00:39:27,798 --> 00:39:31,360
Trust me, I know.
I was very sore after that night.
673
00:39:31,535 --> 00:39:34,835
You're giving away my secret, Jess.
After everything I've done for you.
674
00:39:35,005 --> 00:39:38,100
I was there for you when you were
starting out as a young man.
675
00:39:42,046 --> 00:39:43,878
I always had a bigger dick though.
676
00:39:44,915 --> 00:39:46,645
I did. Always.
677
00:39:46,817 --> 00:39:48,911
No, you don't. No, you don't.
678
00:39:49,353 --> 00:39:53,188
Wait, wait. You know what, Jess?
You're right. Your cock is huge.
679
00:39:54,492 --> 00:39:58,224
So I wanna tell you guys something.
It's so good to see Jackie.
680
00:39:58,396 --> 00:40:02,060
Because Jackie is really my mentor.
I was opening for him one night...
681
00:40:02,233 --> 00:40:04,168
I mean, comedy. I was opening comedy.
682
00:40:05,836 --> 00:40:08,237
Yeah. We did a Jewish country-club gig.
683
00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:09,567
No. It was Italian.
684
00:40:09,740 --> 00:40:12,175
No. It wasn't Italian.
It was Jewish. They were Jews.
685
00:40:12,343 --> 00:40:14,744
I went in the men's room.
Believe me, it was Italian.
686
00:40:16,747 --> 00:40:19,012
A lot of calzones.
687
00:40:20,451 --> 00:40:24,013
- Give him a hand. He's incredible.
- My pleasure.
688
00:40:24,722 --> 00:40:28,955
You suck in bed, but you're such
a great guy and a great comic.
689
00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:32,790
That was amazing.
That was so much fun. I feel like I'm high.
690
00:40:32,963 --> 00:40:37,367
You were so funny. That was...
You're so much funnier than Eddie.
691
00:40:37,535 --> 00:40:41,597
You're so quick, and, like, do you
come up with all that on the spot?
692
00:40:41,772 --> 00:40:43,400
Sometimes. Yeah.
693
00:40:43,574 --> 00:40:45,440
That was good. Thank you.
694
00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:47,976
Are you free on Sunday?
695
00:40:48,179 --> 00:40:50,045
No. I'm not. I don't...
696
00:40:50,214 --> 00:40:53,309
No, no. I have a wedding
that I have to go to. My niece's wedding.
697
00:40:53,484 --> 00:40:55,453
I don't wanna go...
I don't wanna go alone.
698
00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:58,555
I thought, maybe, if you went,
you could be my wingman.
699
00:40:58,722 --> 00:41:01,817
- We could have a few laughs.
- Okay.
700
00:41:01,992 --> 00:41:03,051
- Really?
- Yeah.
701
00:41:03,227 --> 00:41:04,661
- You're free on Sunday?
- Yeah.
702
00:41:04,829 --> 00:41:06,730
What, you have no life?
703
00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:09,324
- But you have to do me a favor.
- What's that?
704
00:41:09,500 --> 00:41:12,629
My dad's birthday's on Monday, and...
705
00:41:12,803 --> 00:41:15,796
...he asked me for a birthday gift,
and you're it.
706
00:41:16,273 --> 00:41:17,639
Do I have to?
707
00:41:17,808 --> 00:41:19,174
Yeah.
708
00:41:19,343 --> 00:41:20,572
- Okay, okay.
- Deal?
709
00:41:20,744 --> 00:41:22,576
- Deal.
- Okay.
710
00:41:22,746 --> 00:41:25,983
That was fun. I loved that.
711
00:41:40,865 --> 00:41:43,096
- Thank you.
- I appreciate you doing this.
712
00:41:43,267 --> 00:41:44,667
Remember, this is family.
713
00:41:44,835 --> 00:41:46,827
I need 20 more cases of champagne.
714
00:41:47,638 --> 00:41:49,004
Mr. Jackie Burke.
715
00:41:49,173 --> 00:41:51,165
Your brother asked me to wait for you.
716
00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:53,004
- You're late. It's already started.
- Come on. Hurry.
717
00:41:53,177 --> 00:41:55,612
They haven't done
the glass-breaking yet, have they?
718
00:41:55,779 --> 00:41:57,975
The glass-breaking part
is my favorite part.
719
00:41:58,148 --> 00:42:01,175
The ceremony was an hour ago.
We are about to present the brides.
720
00:42:01,352 --> 00:42:02,877
Shit.
721
00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:05,990
Nice dress. Too bad
they didn't have it in your size.
722
00:42:06,457 --> 00:42:09,621
- How do you get in and out of that thing?
- None of your business.
723
00:42:09,793 --> 00:42:12,228
- Come on.
- Everybody, inside. Inside now.
724
00:42:12,396 --> 00:42:14,024
Please.
725
00:42:14,565 --> 00:42:19,970
Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor
to present to you the newlyweds.
726
00:42:20,137 --> 00:42:24,507
The Berkowitz-Nelsons: spouses for life.
727
00:42:25,309 --> 00:42:27,039
Everybody stand up. Stand up.
728
00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:31,842
And for their first dance, they've prepared
something special for you.
729
00:42:55,339 --> 00:42:56,898
Come on, guys!
730
00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:19,526
Hey, you came.
731
00:43:19,697 --> 00:43:22,565
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
732
00:43:24,335 --> 00:43:26,930
This is my brother, Jimmy. Harmony.
733
00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:28,629
Hi.
734
00:43:28,839 --> 00:43:30,535
You never cease to amaze me.
735
00:43:30,708 --> 00:43:32,540
Very nice.
736
00:43:35,579 --> 00:43:37,639
- This is my wife, Florence.
- Hi.
737
00:43:37,848 --> 00:43:41,580
- This is Harmony, Jackie's friend.
- Congratulations. Thanks for having me.
738
00:43:41,752 --> 00:43:44,586
Nice to meet you,
and thank you for coming.
739
00:43:44,755 --> 00:43:48,590
Uncle Jackie! Oh, my God, you came.
740
00:43:48,759 --> 00:43:51,319
Uncle Jackie, this is my wife, Frankie.
741
00:43:51,495 --> 00:43:54,329
- Nice to meet you. Congratulations.
- My Uncle Jackie.
742
00:43:54,498 --> 00:43:56,126
- Hi.
- Welcome to our family.
743
00:43:56,300 --> 00:43:59,134
You can come meet our friends.
Meet our friends.
744
00:43:59,303 --> 00:44:02,068
Come on. Guys, guys.
745
00:44:02,673 --> 00:44:05,108
This is my Uncle Jackie.
746
00:44:06,977 --> 00:44:11,915
This is such a nice wedding,
and your daughter, she's beautiful.
747
00:44:12,082 --> 00:44:13,243
Beautiful dress.
748
00:44:13,417 --> 00:44:14,976
Kleinfeld's.
749
00:44:15,519 --> 00:44:17,181
And Frankie has a different one.
750
00:44:17,921 --> 00:44:20,823
- Yeah.
- They're partners, not twins.
751
00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:22,960
Flo, Flo.
752
00:44:27,131 --> 00:44:29,123
Have you known Jackie long?
753
00:44:29,299 --> 00:44:31,325
How did you meet?
754
00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:34,438
I picked him up at the homeless shelter.
755
00:44:34,605 --> 00:44:36,870
- Are you gonna talk?
- Florence, Florence.
756
00:44:37,041 --> 00:44:38,304
- Florence.
- I'm so sorry.
757
00:44:38,475 --> 00:44:41,673
- Come on. You gotta make us laugh.
- Please. That would be so great.
758
00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:45,009
- You're gonna say a few words, right?
- I'm just here as a guest.
759
00:44:45,182 --> 00:44:48,346
- Just as a guest.
- Please. Come on. It would be so great.
760
00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:50,647
Ask your parents.
I don't wanna deal with a...
761
00:44:50,821 --> 00:44:53,723
- We don't want it to become a thing.
- He doesn't want to. He's a guest.
762
00:44:53,924 --> 00:44:57,053
If she's gonna make a thing out of it,
then it's gonna be a disaster.
763
00:44:57,227 --> 00:45:01,665
No. For me, for me.
You gotta. Please? For us.
764
00:45:01,832 --> 00:45:03,664
Come on. It's my wedding.
765
00:45:06,437 --> 00:45:07,496
Okay.
766
00:45:10,674 --> 00:45:12,666
Thank you!
767
00:45:19,683 --> 00:45:21,549
Come on, guys.
768
00:45:37,601 --> 00:45:39,229
- Come on. Let's go.
- No, no.
769
00:45:39,403 --> 00:45:41,736
- Come on.
- I think I'm coming down with something.
770
00:45:41,905 --> 00:45:45,000
- You're not coming down with something.
- I get nervous up there. Dizzy.
771
00:45:45,175 --> 00:45:47,076
- I get dizzy.
- To dance?
772
00:45:54,852 --> 00:45:56,013
Come on. Come on.
773
00:45:56,186 --> 00:45:57,245
Come on.
774
00:45:57,421 --> 00:45:59,049
Come on, you. You chicken!
775
00:45:59,223 --> 00:46:01,419
- Come on.
- No. I don't do physical comedy.
776
00:46:01,592 --> 00:46:03,185
- You dance.
- I'm gonna take her.
777
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:06,194
- Take her. Don't steal her.
- Take me.
778
00:46:06,363 --> 00:46:09,197
Come on. Come on.
779
00:46:21,278 --> 00:46:22,610
Dance with me, beautiful.
780
00:46:28,018 --> 00:46:29,077
Who's the shiksa?
781
00:46:32,055 --> 00:46:33,580
Dance.
782
00:46:37,394 --> 00:46:39,329
You should be worried, Jackie.
783
00:46:50,841 --> 00:46:52,810
Please. Everyone stand back.
784
00:46:52,976 --> 00:46:54,410
Are you all right?
785
00:46:54,578 --> 00:46:56,570
- Are you okay?
- Inhale. Exhale.
786
00:46:56,747 --> 00:46:58,978
- Hey.
- Hey, let go.
787
00:46:59,149 --> 00:47:02,586
It's not my heart we are worried about.
Get up, you old letch.
788
00:47:02,753 --> 00:47:04,483
Okay. Come on.
789
00:47:23,073 --> 00:47:24,097
That was fun.
790
00:47:24,274 --> 00:47:27,870
- Yeah. Well, you're having a good time.
- You should've done it. You're not sick.
791
00:47:28,946 --> 00:47:31,006
- Little shits.
- Don't push me!
792
00:47:31,181 --> 00:47:32,774
No maternal instinct?
793
00:47:32,950 --> 00:47:35,579
No. My maternal instinct kicks in
when I'm 70.
794
00:47:36,353 --> 00:47:38,117
When you're 70?
795
00:47:38,655 --> 00:47:40,351
Were you ever married?
796
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:42,789
- No.
- No?
797
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,223
Never...?
798
00:47:44,394 --> 00:47:47,523
Seems very unusual
that a girl like you is not attached.
799
00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:51,157
I've been attached. It's just never stuck.
800
00:47:51,335 --> 00:47:52,894
You have more questions?
801
00:47:53,103 --> 00:47:56,540
Hi, can I have your attention, everybody?
802
00:47:58,141 --> 00:48:00,110
- Thank you.
- Brittany.
803
00:48:00,711 --> 00:48:02,805
Frankie and I wanna welcome you...
804
00:48:02,980 --> 00:48:05,142
- ...all here tonight.
- We love you, Frankie.
805
00:48:05,315 --> 00:48:08,376
You can't imagine how happy I am
you all came to share...
806
00:48:08,552 --> 00:48:10,316
- ...this day with us.
- She seems nice.
807
00:48:10,487 --> 00:48:11,716
I don't know her that well.
808
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:17,351
You may have noticed my uncle,
Jackie Burke, is here.
809
00:48:18,495 --> 00:48:23,263
Some of you may recognize him
as Eddie from Eddie's Home.
810
00:48:24,401 --> 00:48:26,199
Eddie!
811
00:48:27,204 --> 00:48:29,230
But I've known him my whole life.
812
00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:32,501
I still remember him
teaching me dirty jokes as a kid.
813
00:48:32,676 --> 00:48:35,578
Before I could say "Dada,"
I could say "caca."
814
00:48:36,647 --> 00:48:42,678
He taught me the B word, the S word,
the F word. Yeah, all of them.
815
00:48:42,853 --> 00:48:45,789
She already knew the C word.
She picked it up on her own.
816
00:48:45,956 --> 00:48:48,892
But, seriously, it means so much to me...
817
00:48:49,059 --> 00:48:52,894
...that he's here today
after way too many years.
818
00:48:53,063 --> 00:48:56,864
So please give a warm welcome
to my Uncle Jackie.
819
00:48:57,034 --> 00:49:01,904
- Careful up there. We're outnumbered.
- He'll say a few words. Jackie Burke!
820
00:49:04,541 --> 00:49:06,601
- So happy he came.
- Here we go.
821
00:49:08,378 --> 00:49:09,573
Thank you, honey.
822
00:49:09,746 --> 00:49:11,544
You know, it's a...
823
00:49:12,082 --> 00:49:16,213
It's an honor being here to celebrate
Brittany and Frankie's wedding.
824
00:49:16,386 --> 00:49:17,684
Frankie, right? Not Butch?
825
00:49:20,390 --> 00:49:22,723
How long till the divorce?
826
00:49:22,893 --> 00:49:25,658
Same-sex divorce
is the latest thing, you know?
827
00:49:25,829 --> 00:49:29,061
What the fuck is this place anyway?
The Titanic? What is this?
828
00:49:29,232 --> 00:49:31,167
Look at these fucking chandeliers.
829
00:49:31,335 --> 00:49:32,803
Jesus.
830
00:49:33,136 --> 00:49:36,004
These chairs aren't tall enough.
What's this?
831
00:49:37,574 --> 00:49:38,769
And I wanna thank...
832
00:49:38,942 --> 00:49:42,743
Seriously, I wanna thank Flo and Jimmy
for inviting me to this beautiful occasion.
833
00:49:42,913 --> 00:49:44,939
- Yeah. Thanks for coming.
- Really is.
834
00:49:45,115 --> 00:49:47,311
And all the other family members...
835
00:49:47,484 --> 00:49:49,476
...many of whom I thought were dead.
836
00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:52,851
Most of whom I hoped were dead.
837
00:49:53,023 --> 00:49:55,857
Oh, boy. Nobody can fuck you up
like family. That's for sure.
838
00:49:56,026 --> 00:49:57,756
- We're in trouble.
- He knows.
839
00:49:57,928 --> 00:50:01,160
You know, I had a troubled childhood.
840
00:50:01,331 --> 00:50:04,301
My father molested my brother.
Jimmy, I'm just telling one little story.
841
00:50:04,468 --> 00:50:05,800
- Here we go.
- Not good.
842
00:50:05,969 --> 00:50:09,497
My father molested my little brother,
and the bastard never even touched me.
843
00:50:09,673 --> 00:50:11,266
Never even looked at me.
844
00:50:11,441 --> 00:50:14,843
Do you know what it's like
growing up feeling unwanted?
845
00:50:15,012 --> 00:50:18,505
Knowing that your father doesn't
find you attractive enough to fondle?
846
00:50:20,250 --> 00:50:21,843
I mean, was it so terrible...?
847
00:50:22,019 --> 00:50:25,820
Would it have been so terrible
if he just played with my dick a little?
848
00:50:25,989 --> 00:50:28,686
Just stroked it? You know,
wiggled it a little? Something.
849
00:50:28,859 --> 00:50:32,455
He didn't do anything. I felt terrible.
I was so rejected. Anyway...
850
00:50:32,629 --> 00:50:35,724
I know we're supposed to pretend
there's nothing wrong or unusual...
851
00:50:35,899 --> 00:50:39,631
...about this event tonight, just another
middle-class Jewish wedding. Right?
852
00:50:39,803 --> 00:50:41,362
No. Wrong.
853
00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:45,305
So can I address
the 800-pound gorilla in the room?
854
00:50:45,475 --> 00:50:46,568
And that would be...
855
00:50:48,078 --> 00:50:49,137
...Flo.
856
00:50:50,580 --> 00:50:52,811
Flo, how did you let this happen?
857
00:50:52,983 --> 00:50:56,078
Can't be Jimmy's fault. What have
you done to my poor little brother?
858
00:50:56,286 --> 00:51:00,087
He was 6 feet tall when you got married.
859
00:51:00,290 --> 00:51:02,350
Oh, and now Brittany. Oh, no.
860
00:51:02,526 --> 00:51:04,552
You were so concerned
about her growing up...
861
00:51:04,728 --> 00:51:08,256
...to be a Jewish American princess,
you didn't even notice...
862
00:51:08,432 --> 00:51:11,834
...that she was turning out
to be a Jewish American prince.
863
00:51:16,873 --> 00:51:19,866
- The shame that she brought all of us...
- Will you stop this?
864
00:51:20,043 --> 00:51:22,342
...by marrying a non-Jew.
865
00:51:22,512 --> 00:51:25,346
- Well, that's me.
- What did you do, Flo?
866
00:51:25,849 --> 00:51:27,442
God have mercy on you.
867
00:51:29,052 --> 00:51:31,681
I'm gonna fucking kill you
when we get home.
868
00:51:31,855 --> 00:51:34,723
I have my own special gift
to present to the newlyweds.
869
00:51:34,891 --> 00:51:36,587
I've been doing volunteer work...
870
00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:40,060
- ...down at the mission, for the homeless.
- He was in jail.
871
00:51:40,230 --> 00:51:42,028
They don't like
to be called "bums" anymore.
872
00:51:42,199 --> 00:51:44,896
And they were so moved
when I told them about...
873
00:51:45,068 --> 00:51:47,697
...Brittany and Frankie's
reproductive challenges...
874
00:51:47,871 --> 00:51:49,464
...that they all wanted to help.
875
00:51:49,639 --> 00:51:51,574
So they all got together, each one...
876
00:51:51,741 --> 00:51:54,609
...and they all contributed
to making a very significant...
877
00:51:54,778 --> 00:51:57,976
...a very thoughtful, a very useful gift:
878
00:51:58,148 --> 00:51:59,446
a pint of semen.
879
00:52:02,919 --> 00:52:06,048
- Thanks, boys. Give them a hand.
- Disgusting.
880
00:52:06,223 --> 00:52:07,748
They've worn theirs out.
881
00:52:09,559 --> 00:52:10,788
Oh, my gosh.
882
00:52:11,795 --> 00:52:13,423
James, stop this.
883
00:52:13,597 --> 00:52:16,863
Uncle Jackie would've added
a dash and a splash of his own...
884
00:52:17,267 --> 00:52:22,797
...but that would be incest, and incest,
you know, is even worse than being gay.
885
00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:26,735
Boos, really?
886
00:52:26,910 --> 00:52:28,310
Flo likes it.
887
00:52:28,478 --> 00:52:31,607
Apparently, Brittany and I share
the same weakness...
888
00:52:31,781 --> 00:52:34,683
...for wanting
to bang beautiful young women.
889
00:52:34,885 --> 00:52:39,585
And yet she turned out to be so normal
and I turned out to be so fucked up.
890
00:52:39,756 --> 00:52:41,691
- How did that happen?
- You got that right.
891
00:52:41,892 --> 00:52:44,487
I don't know. Maybe it's because...
892
00:52:47,998 --> 00:52:50,968
...I never met a woman like Frankie,
and maybe it's because...
893
00:52:51,134 --> 00:52:55,333
...I never found a love and happiness...
894
00:52:55,505 --> 00:52:58,100
...that Brittany and Frankie
have found with each other.
895
00:53:20,230 --> 00:53:23,359
Come on. Let's make a run for it
before they lynch us.
896
00:53:24,701 --> 00:53:26,966
- I've never seen anything like that.
- Me neither.
897
00:53:27,137 --> 00:53:29,470
You just can't help yourself, can you?
898
00:53:29,639 --> 00:53:31,665
This low-life motherfucking brother
of yours.
899
00:53:31,841 --> 00:53:34,902
Takes a dump at our kid's wedding,
and that's all you're gonna say?
900
00:53:35,078 --> 00:53:38,708
What do you want me to say? We let
him up there. You know what he does.
901
00:53:38,882 --> 00:53:44,583
Brittany asked him to be Jackie Burke,
so I don't know why you're yelling at him.
902
00:53:44,754 --> 00:53:46,518
Who the fuck are you
to talk to me like that?
903
00:53:46,690 --> 00:53:48,318
- Flo...
- Who invited you...
904
00:53:48,491 --> 00:53:50,483
...with your no-underwear dress?
905
00:53:50,660 --> 00:53:52,026
- This is not...
- Go. Please.
906
00:53:52,195 --> 00:53:53,595
What the fuck is your problem?
907
00:53:53,763 --> 00:53:55,391
I don't have a problem.
908
00:53:55,565 --> 00:53:59,559
Don't yell at me. Don't comment on
my dress. Look at your fucking dress.
909
00:53:59,736 --> 00:54:01,568
- My dress is beautiful.
- It's time to cut the cake.
910
00:54:01,738 --> 00:54:03,104
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you back.
911
00:54:03,273 --> 00:54:05,902
Fuck you back. Fuck you back.
912
00:54:06,076 --> 00:54:08,272
It's time to cut the cake.
913
00:54:08,478 --> 00:54:11,573
- It's time to cut the cake.
- You're lucky I don't get my brothers...
914
00:54:11,748 --> 00:54:15,879
...to cut your nut sack off
before you hit the tunnel!
915
00:54:16,052 --> 00:54:18,954
- What's the problem? The kids loved it.
- Come on. Let me at him.
916
00:54:19,122 --> 00:54:21,591
- Come on. Let me at him.
- Stupid bitch!
917
00:54:22,525 --> 00:54:24,585
- You're the mother...
- Oh, shut up!
918
00:54:24,761 --> 00:54:27,731
- Let me go.
- I'll see you again, in hell, motherfucker!
919
00:54:27,897 --> 00:54:31,026
- You are a beast!
- Okay. Just calm down.
920
00:54:31,601 --> 00:54:36,539
"You're lucky my brothers don't cut your
nut sack off before you get to the tunnel."
921
00:54:36,706 --> 00:54:37,867
She's a nut case.
922
00:54:38,041 --> 00:54:40,067
She's amazing. I love her.
923
00:54:40,243 --> 00:54:43,213
That's what I get for doing
something nice for my brother's kid.
924
00:54:43,380 --> 00:54:44,780
- That was so much fun.
- Family.
925
00:54:44,948 --> 00:54:47,076
Tomorrow night's your turn.
926
00:55:05,735 --> 00:55:07,226
- Hi.
- Hi.
927
00:55:07,404 --> 00:55:09,964
- Thanks for doing this.
- No problem.
928
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:12,332
You okay?
929
00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:15,108
You look beautiful.
930
00:55:15,612 --> 00:55:17,103
You know this joint's famous.
931
00:55:17,280 --> 00:55:20,739
Back in '85, Big Paulie Castellano
got whacked right here on this sidewalk.
932
00:55:20,917 --> 00:55:22,476
Yeah. Paulie was a friend of my dad's.
933
00:55:23,853 --> 00:55:25,913
I'm taking you with me.
934
00:55:28,591 --> 00:55:29,957
Hi.
935
00:55:31,127 --> 00:55:32,322
That's him right there.
936
00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:34,430
Oh, you're with Mr. Schiltz.
937
00:55:47,577 --> 00:55:50,206
Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
Is this who I think it is?
938
00:55:50,380 --> 00:55:51,507
Is it Eddie?
939
00:55:51,681 --> 00:55:54,048
I think it's Eddie, but it's Jackie.
940
00:55:54,217 --> 00:55:57,016
It's Eddie. My baby.
941
00:55:57,187 --> 00:56:01,784
Boy, you did it this time.
What a birthday surprise.
942
00:56:01,958 --> 00:56:03,859
"Arlene."
943
00:56:04,994 --> 00:56:06,018
Thank you.
944
00:56:06,196 --> 00:56:09,894
Thank you, Eddie, for all
the countless laughs. Thank you.
945
00:56:10,100 --> 00:56:13,662
Happy birthday. And I just wanna...
It's Jackie, by the way.
946
00:56:15,338 --> 00:56:17,637
I've enjoyed you so much.
947
00:56:17,807 --> 00:56:20,242
Look at that punim. Look at it.
948
00:56:21,811 --> 00:56:23,803
In fact, so much, I can do you.
949
00:56:23,980 --> 00:56:25,175
- I can.
- You can?
950
00:56:25,348 --> 00:56:26,543
- Did she tell you?
- No. No.
951
00:56:26,716 --> 00:56:27,911
Yeah. He can do you.
952
00:56:28,118 --> 00:56:31,213
I've been doing you in the bathroom
and at parties for decades.
953
00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:34,153
You must have a better manager than I do.
954
00:56:35,325 --> 00:56:37,055
Sit. Sit.
955
00:56:37,227 --> 00:56:38,855
Sit.
956
00:56:39,028 --> 00:56:44,626
- Gino. Ring the register. Eddie's here.
- Copy that, Mr. Schiltz.
957
00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:47,166
Jesus, I don't believe this.
958
00:56:47,337 --> 00:56:49,568
What a birthday present.
959
00:56:50,206 --> 00:56:52,232
- What are you drinking?
- Chivas on the rocks.
960
00:56:52,409 --> 00:56:55,277
- For you?
- My baby drinks martinis.
961
00:56:55,912 --> 00:56:57,005
Hey.
962
00:56:57,180 --> 00:57:03,017
How about giving us
one big "Arlene, where are you?"
963
00:57:03,186 --> 00:57:04,210
Do it. Come on.
964
00:57:04,387 --> 00:57:05,787
- Dad. No.
- Do I have to?
965
00:57:05,955 --> 00:57:07,253
Yeah. For my birthday.
966
00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:08,619
Come on. Please.
967
00:57:08,792 --> 00:57:10,192
Come on. I don't wanna do it.
968
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:12,727
- Come on. Once.
- Dad, don't.
969
00:57:14,030 --> 00:57:19,128
Hey, I don't expect anyone
to work for free.
970
00:57:19,302 --> 00:57:21,430
No, no, no. No, what are you doing? No.
971
00:57:21,604 --> 00:57:22,765
- What?
- Sorry. No.
972
00:57:22,939 --> 00:57:24,737
- Put it away. Don't do that.
- Put what?
973
00:57:24,908 --> 00:57:28,242
- Sorry.
- No. You misunderstand.
974
00:57:28,411 --> 00:57:30,607
Eddie, I don't mean to embarrass you.
975
00:57:30,780 --> 00:57:34,273
I'll tell you what. Let me do it.
Let me do you. I got you down.
976
00:57:34,451 --> 00:57:35,749
I'll pay you not to.
977
00:57:36,719 --> 00:57:37,743
That's funny...
978
00:57:37,921 --> 00:57:40,083
...but you don't wanna get into
a pissing contest with me about money.
979
00:57:40,256 --> 00:57:42,782
Come on, let's have some fun.
This is me respecting you.
980
00:57:42,959 --> 00:57:44,621
You're my favorite.
981
00:57:44,794 --> 00:57:49,892
"Arlene, whose vibrator is this?
982
00:57:51,234 --> 00:57:54,500
Did you take the batteries out
of the smoke alarm again?"
983
00:57:56,840 --> 00:57:58,900
Okay. Show's over.
984
00:57:59,642 --> 00:58:01,076
- Thank you.
- Sure.
985
00:58:01,244 --> 00:58:03,076
Cheers. Happy birthday.
986
00:58:03,246 --> 00:58:05,909
- Happy birthday, Mac.
- Thank you, Eddie.
987
00:58:06,749 --> 00:58:08,274
Jackie.
988
00:58:10,019 --> 00:58:13,114
How was my timing? Give me some input.
989
00:58:14,457 --> 00:58:15,948
I thought you were me for a second.
990
00:58:16,125 --> 00:58:18,321
Try doing it
while drinking a glass of water.
991
00:58:23,166 --> 00:58:25,931
- Have a drink.
- God, you were great. You were great.
992
00:58:26,102 --> 00:58:29,095
Drink some more. It'll make it easier.
993
00:58:31,541 --> 00:58:32,975
So how did you two meet?
994
00:58:33,676 --> 00:58:37,841
We do our community service together
down at the Apostle Soup Kitchen.
995
00:58:38,014 --> 00:58:39,038
Right.
996
00:58:39,249 --> 00:58:41,343
You don't have
to worry about that anymore.
997
00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:43,817
I got them to transfer
your hours to Florida.
998
00:58:43,987 --> 00:58:45,615
I thought we talked about that.
999
00:58:45,788 --> 00:58:47,279
Remember, we talked about that.
1000
00:58:47,457 --> 00:58:49,483
Because I'm not sure if I wanna go back.
1001
00:58:49,659 --> 00:58:51,958
But you don't know where you wanna go.
1002
00:58:52,128 --> 00:58:54,188
She's always been such a mamzer.
1003
00:58:54,697 --> 00:58:56,632
I'm at the table. I'm still sitting here.
1004
00:58:56,799 --> 00:58:59,200
- Here at the table.
- It's done. I chartered a plane.
1005
00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:00,564
We're leaving tomorrow.
1006
00:59:00,770 --> 00:59:03,262
Noon. Teterboro.
1007
00:59:03,673 --> 00:59:04,971
What's in Florida?
1008
00:59:05,141 --> 00:59:07,667
I own this retirement community
in Delray Beach.
1009
00:59:07,844 --> 00:59:10,678
We help the elderly to live out
their lives with some dignity.
1010
00:59:10,847 --> 00:59:13,407
I'd like to pass through this dinner
with some dignity.
1011
00:59:14,817 --> 00:59:17,582
She's great with the old people.
She's got a magic touch.
1012
00:59:18,054 --> 00:59:19,784
Well, she's a wonderful person.
1013
00:59:20,823 --> 00:59:24,919
It's okay, honey. When you come back
from Florida, we'll find our place to live.
1014
00:59:25,094 --> 00:59:26,084
- What?
- What?
1015
00:59:26,296 --> 00:59:27,559
We're moving in together.
1016
00:59:27,730 --> 00:59:29,995
Is it okay if I call you "Dad"?
1017
00:59:32,835 --> 00:59:35,327
You're a funny man,
but this is my daughter.
1018
00:59:35,505 --> 00:59:37,667
Yeah, I know.
Every daughter has a mother...
1019
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:40,435
...every mother has a daughter.
The girl that left before...
1020
00:59:40,610 --> 00:59:43,170
...probably has a grandmother
or a grandfather.
1021
00:59:43,346 --> 00:59:45,008
Harmony's my daughter.
1022
00:59:45,181 --> 00:59:47,616
She's not the punch line
for somebody's jokes.
1023
00:59:47,784 --> 00:59:50,913
And when you look at my daughter
and the way she's looking at you...
1024
00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:52,851
I'm not. What are you talking about?
1025
00:59:53,022 --> 00:59:54,718
I wanna know your expectations.
1026
00:59:54,891 --> 00:59:56,883
- My expectations?
- Expectations.
1027
00:59:57,060 --> 00:59:58,551
Yeah.
1028
00:59:59,062 --> 01:00:01,531
To fuck her brains out.
After that, we'll see.
1029
01:00:12,442 --> 01:00:13,740
You know...
1030
01:00:13,910 --> 01:00:15,640
...I'm a sucker for an honest man.
1031
01:00:15,845 --> 01:00:18,781
And I'm a sucker for a girl
that has daddy issues.
1032
01:00:18,948 --> 01:00:22,112
Okay. So you go to the bar,
and I'll meet you there in a minute.
1033
01:00:22,285 --> 01:00:25,312
Sure. It's been a terrific crowd.
Nice to meet you, Pops.
1034
01:00:25,488 --> 01:00:27,389
Happy birthday.
1035
01:00:29,425 --> 01:00:32,224
Don't tell me you're interested
in that schmuck.
1036
01:00:32,395 --> 01:00:36,958
Okay. If you had listened at all
and shut your mouth for one second...
1037
01:00:37,133 --> 01:00:39,762
...you would know
that I wasn't interested in him at all.
1038
01:00:39,936 --> 01:00:41,564
But you don't ever shut up.
1039
01:00:41,738 --> 01:00:43,730
You don't ever shut up.
You're unbelievable.
1040
01:00:43,906 --> 01:00:46,137
- Where are you going?
- Unbelievable. I'm leaving.
1041
01:00:46,309 --> 01:00:47,641
Wait a second. Wait a second.
1042
01:00:47,810 --> 01:00:49,642
- He's an asshole. Let him go.
- You are.
1043
01:00:49,812 --> 01:00:50,836
I'll take care of him.
1044
01:00:51,014 --> 01:00:53,347
You're not gonna take care of him. No.
1045
01:00:53,516 --> 01:00:54,814
You're being the asshole.
1046
01:00:54,984 --> 01:00:57,419
Don't embarrass me like that
in front of people.
1047
01:00:57,587 --> 01:00:59,419
- That's humiliating.
- I humiliated you?
1048
01:00:59,589 --> 01:01:02,081
That was humiliating.
Don't talk about me like that...
1049
01:01:02,258 --> 01:01:05,126
- ...in front of people. I have self-respect.
- Where's your self-respect?
1050
01:01:05,294 --> 01:01:06,523
- I am not doing this...
- Go.
1051
01:01:06,696 --> 01:01:09,530
...in a restaurant with you.
I'll see you at Teterboro.
1052
01:01:09,699 --> 01:01:11,531
Happy birthday.
1053
01:01:13,469 --> 01:01:16,337
Come on. I need about 10 drinks.
1054
01:01:26,049 --> 01:01:27,847
Arlene.
1055
01:01:28,618 --> 01:01:30,109
Arlene.
1056
01:01:30,286 --> 01:01:31,811
- That was good.
- Was that good?
1057
01:01:31,988 --> 01:01:33,456
That was good. Very good.
1058
01:01:33,623 --> 01:01:38,561
You should've seen the look on
your face when Mac said, "Arlene... Arl..."
1059
01:01:38,728 --> 01:01:40,287
Wait. Wait.
1060
01:01:40,463 --> 01:01:42,989
- Wait. What?
- Arlene.
1061
01:01:43,966 --> 01:01:45,798
Welcome.
1062
01:01:47,136 --> 01:01:48,968
This is nice.
1063
01:01:49,138 --> 01:01:51,835
If you don't get murdered on the street
before you get in.
1064
01:01:52,008 --> 01:01:54,500
They're artists. Not murderers.
1065
01:01:54,677 --> 01:01:56,509
- You want some bourbon?
- Sure. Sure.
1066
01:01:56,679 --> 01:01:58,511
I think these artists got guns.
1067
01:01:58,681 --> 01:01:59,876
Sure you wanna leave?
1068
01:02:00,049 --> 01:02:02,018
I have to. I'm on parole.
1069
01:02:02,185 --> 01:02:04,416
I can't fight my dad
and his expensive lawyer.
1070
01:02:04,587 --> 01:02:06,146
I don't have that kind of money.
1071
01:02:06,322 --> 01:02:07,847
I'm moving to the Sunshine State.
1072
01:02:08,024 --> 01:02:09,822
- You want some?
- Make it a double.
1073
01:02:09,992 --> 01:02:13,087
I'm gonna be up all night
packing all this stuff.
1074
01:02:13,262 --> 01:02:16,198
Why pack now? Relax. Here.
1075
01:02:16,766 --> 01:02:18,166
Cheers.
1076
01:02:22,338 --> 01:02:24,398
I mean, I think Florida will be good.
1077
01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:27,043
I love working with the elderly people.
1078
01:02:27,210 --> 01:02:29,111
They like me, and I'm good at it.
1079
01:02:29,278 --> 01:02:32,009
And it seems
like Florida has a lot to offer.
1080
01:02:32,181 --> 01:02:35,583
Yeah. Like what? Besides skin cancer.
1081
01:02:36,853 --> 01:02:38,219
You know what I loved?
1082
01:02:39,489 --> 01:02:42,516
I loved that you pissed off Mac tonight.
That was great.
1083
01:02:42,692 --> 01:02:45,252
He's a difficult person.
I can see that. I mean...
1084
01:02:45,428 --> 01:02:48,023
But you gotta tell him back.
You gotta talk back to him.
1085
01:02:48,197 --> 01:02:49,893
- Talk back to him?
- Yeah. Talk back.
1086
01:02:50,066 --> 01:02:51,193
- And say?
- You gotta say:
1087
01:02:51,367 --> 01:02:55,099
"Dad, don't talk to me that way.
Stop this. Stop being crazy."
1088
01:02:55,271 --> 01:02:56,295
Yeah. Right.
1089
01:02:56,506 --> 01:02:58,372
- He'll listen and respect you.
- No, he won't.
1090
01:02:58,541 --> 01:03:00,942
He might be upset, but he'll respect you.
1091
01:03:01,110 --> 01:03:04,205
Can you imagine?
Yeah. He's a good listener.
1092
01:03:04,614 --> 01:03:05,809
And your mother?
1093
01:03:06,649 --> 01:03:09,278
My mother, she... My mother...
1094
01:03:09,452 --> 01:03:10,784
This is a true story.
1095
01:03:10,953 --> 01:03:12,649
My mother...
1096
01:03:12,822 --> 01:03:15,951
...when I was 4, went to the market...
1097
01:03:16,125 --> 01:03:18,287
...and then she never came home.
1098
01:03:18,461 --> 01:03:21,226
- Really, she never came home?
- Never came home.
1099
01:03:21,397 --> 01:03:25,562
And Mac never explained what happened.
1100
01:03:25,735 --> 01:03:28,899
I don't... Why would she do that?
1101
01:03:29,071 --> 01:03:30,903
You were 4 years old.
1102
01:03:31,073 --> 01:03:32,974
And, you know, it wasn't your fault.
1103
01:03:33,142 --> 01:03:35,304
- Yeah.
- Well, she was married to your father.
1104
01:03:35,478 --> 01:03:38,915
I mean, I met the guy for 15, 20 minutes,
and I wanted to leave.
1105
01:03:39,081 --> 01:03:41,573
You think that's why she didn't come back?
1106
01:03:41,751 --> 01:03:43,185
- Well, I know that's why.
- Maybe.
1107
01:03:43,352 --> 01:03:47,813
I mean, your father's a prick,
but at the same time, your father's there.
1108
01:03:47,990 --> 01:03:49,481
You know, I...
1109
01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:51,184
In...
1110
01:03:52,995 --> 01:03:54,930
When I was...
1111
01:03:55,598 --> 01:03:57,590
...a lot younger, I was...
1112
01:03:57,767 --> 01:04:00,498
...not around a lot,
and I wasn't there for my son.
1113
01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:02,866
- You had a son?
- Yeah.
1114
01:04:03,272 --> 01:04:07,642
Well, I had one son, and he died.
He passed away.
1115
01:04:10,446 --> 01:04:12,005
I'm sorry.
1116
01:04:12,181 --> 01:04:13,706
Yeah.
1117
01:04:14,283 --> 01:04:15,774
It was an overdose.
1118
01:04:17,119 --> 01:04:20,214
His mother and I weren't there for him.
It was a toxic relationship.
1119
01:04:20,389 --> 01:04:21,789
I was always on the road.
1120
01:04:21,958 --> 01:04:25,292
Probably avoiding the whole situation.
I was young. I was stupid.
1121
01:04:25,461 --> 01:04:29,296
I can't give an excuse. I have no reason
to say anything except that I was wrong.
1122
01:04:29,465 --> 01:04:32,867
And I didn't accept the responsibility.
I didn't do what I should've done.
1123
01:04:33,035 --> 01:04:35,470
You know? And what do I do?
I make jokes about it.
1124
01:04:35,638 --> 01:04:40,042
I'm a comedian. I make a joke
about horrible "mother-wife" jokes.
1125
01:04:40,209 --> 01:04:41,677
How do you...? What do you mean?
1126
01:04:41,844 --> 01:04:43,472
Well, I tell these fucking jokes.
1127
01:04:43,646 --> 01:04:46,639
You know,
these horrible my-wife-is-a-bitch jokes.
1128
01:04:46,816 --> 01:04:49,684
- What's a horrible mother and wife?
- No. I don't wanna do it.
1129
01:04:49,852 --> 01:04:52,913
Why not? Why not? Come on.
1130
01:04:53,122 --> 01:04:57,059
Wait. What? Tell me. Here. Come on.
Okay. Stand up.
1131
01:04:58,394 --> 01:05:00,989
Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Burke.
1132
01:05:01,163 --> 01:05:03,155
- Okay. Go.
- Okay.
1133
01:05:03,332 --> 01:05:04,823
Okay. What do you want me to do?
1134
01:05:05,001 --> 01:05:08,267
- What do you wanna do?
- Well, you know what I wanna do.
1135
01:05:08,437 --> 01:05:10,668
So, what do I have to do
to get what I wanna do?
1136
01:05:11,941 --> 01:05:14,035
I don't know.
It depends how funny you are.
1137
01:05:14,443 --> 01:05:16,674
Ladies and gentlemen...
1138
01:05:16,846 --> 01:05:21,375
...did you hear about the daddy's girl who
had sex with a 67-year-old comedian?
1139
01:05:22,551 --> 01:05:25,521
Are you only 67? I thought you were 70.
1140
01:05:25,688 --> 01:05:27,350
No. No, but I do wear a diaper.
1141
01:05:27,523 --> 01:05:30,789
- Oh, cute. That's sexy.
- Can you help me change it?
1142
01:05:36,732 --> 01:05:38,701
Come sit down.
1143
01:05:39,101 --> 01:05:40,729
Come here.
1144
01:05:42,371 --> 01:05:44,363
I got out of that one.
1145
01:05:45,241 --> 01:05:48,211
This is not what I wanna be doing.
Stand-up tonight.
1146
01:05:48,377 --> 01:05:49,868
You're really good.
1147
01:05:50,046 --> 01:05:52,914
You're really funny,
and you're really cute.
1148
01:05:53,749 --> 01:05:56,617
This is just something I wanna do. Okay?
1149
01:05:56,786 --> 01:05:58,220
It doesn't mean anything.
1150
01:05:58,387 --> 01:05:59,912
It doesn't?
1151
01:06:01,090 --> 01:06:04,788
Well, then you have to be gentle
because it's my first time.
1152
01:06:05,761 --> 01:06:07,753
And you're not gonna spend the night.
1153
01:06:07,930 --> 01:06:08,954
- I'm not?
- No.
1154
01:06:09,131 --> 01:06:12,966
What am I supposed to do, leave my dick
here and pick it up in the morning?
1155
01:07:28,577 --> 01:07:30,170
Chow mein?
1156
01:07:32,648 --> 01:07:33,843
Fuck you.
1157
01:07:34,016 --> 01:07:36,383
"Fuck you." That's good too.
1158
01:07:41,524 --> 01:07:44,153
- Hold it. Thank you.
- Good afternoon, Friar Crystal.
1159
01:07:44,326 --> 01:07:45,885
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
1160
01:07:46,062 --> 01:07:47,496
- Jackie. You're out.
- Billy.
1161
01:07:47,663 --> 01:07:50,064
- I'm out.
- Yeah. Good.
1162
01:07:53,069 --> 01:07:55,334
Must've been strange, huh?
1163
01:07:56,005 --> 01:07:58,338
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
1164
01:07:59,608 --> 01:08:02,203
Maximum security, I'm guessing.
1165
01:08:02,378 --> 01:08:03,869
- Yeah.
- Really?
1166
01:08:04,046 --> 01:08:05,514
Kind of.
1167
01:08:07,616 --> 01:08:09,209
Roommate?
1168
01:08:10,753 --> 01:08:11,948
Yeah.
1169
01:08:12,121 --> 01:08:14,750
- You're blushing.
- I found love.
1170
01:08:15,558 --> 01:08:17,459
He's a lucky guy.
1171
01:08:17,626 --> 01:08:20,755
All that rain must be tough
on your ankle bracelet, huh?
1172
01:08:20,930 --> 01:08:23,297
I'm just kidding. I'm glad you're out.
1173
01:08:23,466 --> 01:08:25,560
I'm glad you're doing okay.
1174
01:08:29,438 --> 01:08:32,033
- Take care of yourself. Yeah.
- You too.
1175
01:08:32,208 --> 01:08:33,267
- Yeah.
- Work that jab.
1176
01:08:33,442 --> 01:08:35,911
Yeah. Right, asshole.
1177
01:08:38,214 --> 01:08:40,116
What a schmuck.
1178
01:08:48,924 --> 01:08:50,552
Hey, look who's here.
1179
01:08:50,726 --> 01:08:52,319
Hey.
1180
01:08:52,495 --> 01:08:54,930
Hey, look who it is. It's Jackie boy.
1181
01:08:55,097 --> 01:08:56,292
- Jackie.
- It's the man.
1182
01:08:56,465 --> 01:08:57,626
Gentlemen.
1183
01:08:57,800 --> 01:09:00,463
- You still funny?
- No. I'm doing your jokes now, Dick.
1184
01:09:00,636 --> 01:09:03,731
I heard you're having a rough time.
Anything we can do, we're here.
1185
01:09:03,906 --> 01:09:07,934
I appreciate that, D'Angelo.
Sure, if I need syphilis, I'll let you know.
1186
01:09:09,178 --> 01:09:12,979
- We still holding a grudge?
- No. Are you still doing my jokes, Dick?
1187
01:09:13,149 --> 01:09:15,118
- Only the good bits.
- Good.
1188
01:09:15,284 --> 01:09:17,617
Because I'm still doing your ex-wife.
1189
01:09:18,154 --> 01:09:19,884
Some things never change.
1190
01:09:20,689 --> 01:09:23,818
Chivas on the rocks,
drop of water for Mr. Burke, please.
1191
01:09:24,827 --> 01:09:26,819
I thought I fired you.
1192
01:09:26,996 --> 01:09:28,464
I've got a possible gig.
1193
01:09:28,631 --> 01:09:32,659
Great. What do I have to do, dress up
as Eddie for a children's birthday party?
1194
01:09:33,202 --> 01:09:35,899
Do you want a job,
or do you want to be asshole?
1195
01:09:36,539 --> 01:09:37,768
Do I have to choose?
1196
01:09:38,641 --> 01:09:41,668
So I'm the treasurer here.
We had a big meeting last night.
1197
01:09:41,844 --> 01:09:44,678
We're having a tribute
for May Conner February 1st.
1198
01:09:44,847 --> 01:09:46,679
It's gonna be a big event. TV special.
1199
01:09:46,849 --> 01:09:49,216
Network thinks
they're gonna pull 7 million viewers.
1200
01:09:49,418 --> 01:09:50,852
May Conner.
1201
01:09:51,020 --> 01:09:52,454
Love her.
1202
01:09:52,621 --> 01:09:56,058
So D'Angelo is responsible for the
programming. He's calling all the shots.
1203
01:09:56,225 --> 01:09:59,354
And as of right now, it's overbooked.
1204
01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:05,032
- Is Billy doing it?
- He's not available.
1205
01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:06,794
We're hoping that changes.
1206
01:10:06,969 --> 01:10:09,165
And if that changes,
it's not overbooked for him.
1207
01:10:09,338 --> 01:10:11,068
No. Billy Crystal is royalty.
1208
01:10:11,240 --> 01:10:13,300
You are not even a member anymore, Jackie.
1209
01:10:13,475 --> 01:10:16,809
You can't show up every once in a while
and expect to be on the dais.
1210
01:10:16,979 --> 01:10:19,471
Okay? You have got to rejoin.
1211
01:10:20,482 --> 01:10:22,508
Kiss the ring, please. Just this once.
1212
01:10:25,187 --> 01:10:27,588
What a fucking shit world this is.
1213
01:10:27,756 --> 01:10:30,351
Hey, Dick, do you have a minute?
1214
01:10:30,526 --> 01:10:32,586
Okay. Okay.
1215
01:10:33,495 --> 01:10:36,761
Listen, I want a good spot on the rotation.
I don't wanna go after him.
1216
01:10:36,966 --> 01:10:38,832
This fuck will steal every joke I have.
1217
01:10:39,001 --> 01:10:40,867
You want a spot on May's tribute?
1218
01:10:41,837 --> 01:10:43,100
Yeah. Miller mentioned it.
1219
01:10:43,272 --> 01:10:45,571
Actually, I'd be honored to do it.
1220
01:10:47,710 --> 01:10:49,975
She's a barely-living legend.
1221
01:10:51,280 --> 01:10:55,615
Funny. Well, I'm not saying for sure
it's overbooked now, but...
1222
01:10:55,784 --> 01:10:57,844
...anything is possible.
1223
01:11:00,623 --> 01:11:03,092
Pretty please, Dick?
1224
01:11:03,626 --> 01:11:06,528
Miller told me you're thinking
about rejoining. If you did...
1225
01:11:06,695 --> 01:11:10,530
...that would go a long way, but since I'm
also head of the membership committee...
1226
01:11:10,699 --> 01:11:13,100
...I need to ask you a serious question.
1227
01:11:13,636 --> 01:11:15,696
Is your parole officer
joining the club with you?
1228
01:11:15,871 --> 01:11:19,000
Because I can get you
a couple's membership.
1229
01:11:19,642 --> 01:11:21,270
Funny.
1230
01:11:24,313 --> 01:11:27,078
You did good.
That wasn't so bad now, was it?
1231
01:11:27,249 --> 01:11:29,548
I need a power wash.
1232
01:11:55,077 --> 01:11:56,773
Hi, it's Harmony. Leave a message.
1233
01:11:57,780 --> 01:12:00,181
Hey, Harmony, how are you? It's me.
1234
01:12:00,349 --> 01:12:02,580
Everything okay? I haven't heard from you.
1235
01:12:02,751 --> 01:12:04,811
The boys at the mission
are asking about you.
1236
01:12:04,987 --> 01:12:08,424
Tell Mac I said, "Arlene."
1237
01:12:08,590 --> 01:12:10,616
Okay. Get back to me.
1238
01:12:18,467 --> 01:12:20,936
Ms. Conner, how many husbands
did you really have?
1239
01:12:21,103 --> 01:12:24,767
Husbands? I can't remember.
Were there five of them or seven?
1240
01:12:25,941 --> 01:12:29,343
Okay, everybody,
we're gonna take five. Thank you.
1241
01:12:29,511 --> 01:12:32,504
Can we take a break with the pictures?
I need a martini.
1242
01:12:32,681 --> 01:12:34,172
May.
1243
01:12:34,783 --> 01:12:36,183
Jackie Burke.
1244
01:12:36,852 --> 01:12:39,287
- Hey, kid.
- How you doing?
1245
01:12:39,855 --> 01:12:42,290
What an honor it is
to be ripping you a new one...
1246
01:12:42,458 --> 01:12:44,723
...in the name of such a worthy cause.
1247
01:12:47,096 --> 01:12:50,032
- You mind if I smoke?
- I don't care if you burn.
1248
01:12:50,199 --> 01:12:52,134
I always loved that line.
1249
01:12:52,301 --> 01:12:54,668
- I loved Gleason.
- Oh, Gleason loved me.
1250
01:12:54,837 --> 01:12:56,032
He loved my tits.
1251
01:12:56,505 --> 01:12:57,803
We all loved your tits.
1252
01:12:58,540 --> 01:13:01,476
May, I don't think you can smoke inside.
1253
01:13:01,643 --> 01:13:06,479
I'm 95. If I wanna smoke or piss
on the sidewalk or say the N word...
1254
01:13:06,648 --> 01:13:08,116
...I'm fucking gonna do it.
1255
01:13:09,418 --> 01:13:13,048
The world today,
so goddamn serious about everything.
1256
01:13:13,222 --> 01:13:14,656
Exactly. Exactly.
1257
01:13:14,823 --> 01:13:17,224
I'm going to the bar. Okay?
What do you want?
1258
01:13:17,393 --> 01:13:19,021
Martini, one olive, like always?
1259
01:13:19,194 --> 01:13:21,686
God bless you.
1260
01:13:21,864 --> 01:13:23,526
Okay.
1261
01:13:25,501 --> 01:13:27,493
Who was that?
1262
01:13:27,669 --> 01:13:31,504
All right, everyone.
Let's salute our honored guest.
1263
01:13:42,518 --> 01:13:44,510
May? May, listen to me, okay?
1264
01:13:44,686 --> 01:13:46,086
I'm your friend. Okay?
1265
01:13:46,755 --> 01:13:50,954
It's over. You're finished. Finito.
Your movies are on the History channel.
1266
01:13:51,160 --> 01:13:53,026
And your movies?
1267
01:13:53,195 --> 01:13:56,063
What movies? You aren't in any movies.
1268
01:13:57,199 --> 01:13:58,292
You tell him, May!
1269
01:13:59,067 --> 01:14:00,296
All joking aside...
1270
01:14:00,469 --> 01:14:02,165
What jokes?
1271
01:14:03,205 --> 01:14:05,367
- She told you, Dick.
- Hey, go get them, May.
1272
01:14:05,541 --> 01:14:09,069
You, truly, are one of the greatest talents
in this business. What can I say?
1273
01:14:09,244 --> 01:14:11,076
You're a barely-living legend.
1274
01:14:13,549 --> 01:14:16,815
I mean... I mean, quite honestly,
I'm amazed you're still sitting up.
1275
01:14:17,719 --> 01:14:20,120
Okay. That's enough, Dick.
1276
01:14:20,289 --> 01:14:21,484
Wake up, people.
1277
01:14:21,690 --> 01:14:24,888
The "whatever-happened-to" portion
of the evening is officially over.
1278
01:14:25,060 --> 01:14:26,392
- Go back to sleep.
- Go to hell.
1279
01:14:26,562 --> 01:14:28,292
Or do you need
your parole officer's permission?
1280
01:14:28,464 --> 01:14:29,488
"Parole officer" this.
1281
01:14:29,698 --> 01:14:31,599
Come on, get the fuck out of here.
1282
01:14:32,634 --> 01:14:35,570
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome back to the Friars Club...
1283
01:14:35,737 --> 01:14:41,768
...Jackie Burke, also known as Eddie,
also known as prisoner 9-4-2-8-2-8.
1284
01:14:41,944 --> 01:14:44,345
Jailbird!
1285
01:14:44,513 --> 01:14:47,950
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did a little time.
1286
01:14:48,517 --> 01:14:51,077
But my 30 days is nothing
compared to the hard time...
1287
01:14:51,253 --> 01:14:53,984
...you just served listening
to this guy, D'Angelo.
1288
01:14:54,156 --> 01:14:55,852
Give him a hand.
1289
01:14:56,325 --> 01:14:59,318
- Now let's get to the main event.
- Looking great, May!
1290
01:14:59,495 --> 01:15:01,430
- May...
- Yeah, May.
1291
01:15:01,597 --> 01:15:03,498
...oh, May.
1292
01:15:04,666 --> 01:15:07,636
We've heard a lot about
your many accomplishments tonight...
1293
01:15:07,803 --> 01:15:11,296
...but no one's really talked about
how tough it was for you starting out.
1294
01:15:11,473 --> 01:15:12,771
It was tough.
1295
01:15:12,941 --> 01:15:16,002
It was tough. You tell me about it.
I know how tough it was.
1296
01:15:16,178 --> 01:15:18,374
- Well, tell me about it.
- All right.
1297
01:15:18,547 --> 01:15:21,676
Today, you can get by
just by blowing the director.
1298
01:15:21,850 --> 01:15:23,045
I love you, May!
1299
01:15:26,688 --> 01:15:30,056
But, God, when I think
of the things that you had to do.
1300
01:15:30,259 --> 01:15:32,626
- I did.
- But whatever you did worked...
1301
01:15:32,794 --> 01:15:35,389
...because you played
some of the most iconic...
1302
01:15:35,564 --> 01:15:37,055
...roles in the history of film.
1303
01:15:37,566 --> 01:15:39,535
And I, Jackie Burke...
1304
01:15:39,968 --> 01:15:41,493
...was with you all the way.
1305
01:15:42,337 --> 01:15:45,000
All the way
1306
01:15:45,173 --> 01:15:46,698
All the way
1307
01:15:46,875 --> 01:15:51,142
When you played the title role
in The Battleship Potemkin...
1308
01:15:51,313 --> 01:15:55,546
...I was one of the sailors you took on.
1309
01:15:55,717 --> 01:15:59,882
Remember me? I came in your porthole.
1310
01:16:01,823 --> 01:16:04,088
Then we were reunited.
1311
01:16:04,293 --> 01:16:06,353
Who could ever forget
when we were together...
1312
01:16:06,528 --> 01:16:09,521
...in the original Poseidon Adventure?
You as the Poseidon.
1313
01:16:09,698 --> 01:16:12,190
- Me as the cabin boy.
- You were the cabin boy.
1314
01:16:12,367 --> 01:16:14,598
You know. You remember.
1315
01:16:15,037 --> 01:16:17,529
- Remember my audition?
- Yeah.
1316
01:16:19,374 --> 01:16:21,605
Yes, and you got the part.
1317
01:16:23,712 --> 01:16:26,011
And I went down with the ship.
1318
01:16:27,049 --> 01:16:29,951
Yes, May Conner,
you chewed a lot of scenery...
1319
01:16:30,118 --> 01:16:31,677
- ...in your time.
- I certainly did.
1320
01:16:31,853 --> 01:16:33,048
And swallowed.
1321
01:16:37,759 --> 01:16:42,697
May Conner:
star, philanthropist, Oscar winner...
1322
01:16:42,864 --> 01:16:45,265
...and record holder
for fucking more young boys...
1323
01:16:45,434 --> 01:16:47,426
...than the entire Los Angeles Archdiocese.
1324
01:16:49,571 --> 01:16:51,369
- You are really something.
- Jackie. Stop.
1325
01:16:51,540 --> 01:16:54,806
It's okay, May. It's okay. Don't worry.
D'Angelo's not coming back.
1326
01:16:54,977 --> 01:16:57,776
He's just touching you now,
but he's gonna go away. May?
1327
01:16:57,946 --> 01:17:00,609
Seriously, May? An orgasm now?
1328
01:17:04,419 --> 01:17:05,751
What's happening?
1329
01:17:06,488 --> 01:17:07,888
- Oh, my God.
- Is she all right?
1330
01:17:08,056 --> 01:17:10,958
May, you okay?
1331
01:17:11,994 --> 01:17:14,054
- Give her some water.
- No, no, no.
1332
01:17:14,229 --> 01:17:15,561
Get a doctor.
1333
01:17:15,731 --> 01:17:16,994
May...
1334
01:17:17,165 --> 01:17:18,793
Somebody do something.
1335
01:17:18,967 --> 01:17:20,799
I'm not sure if this is...
1336
01:17:20,969 --> 01:17:24,406
Is there a doctor in the house?
Seriously. We need a doctor.
1337
01:17:24,573 --> 01:17:25,939
Come up here immediately.
1338
01:17:26,108 --> 01:17:28,668
- Don't block these aisles.
- Call a medic!
1339
01:17:29,678 --> 01:17:30,771
Stay in your places.
1340
01:17:31,813 --> 01:17:34,248
- Somebody...
- Get her back. Get her back.
1341
01:17:34,883 --> 01:17:36,146
Somebody, aspirin.
1342
01:17:36,318 --> 01:17:38,310
- Get some aspirin.
- Get the defibrillator!
1343
01:17:38,487 --> 01:17:39,614
You killed.
1344
01:17:39,788 --> 01:17:42,019
Should someone call 911?
1345
01:17:42,190 --> 01:17:44,625
I didn't get to my best stuff.
1346
01:17:47,295 --> 01:17:50,163
Three-time Oscar winner
and six-time Emmy winner, May Conner...
1347
01:17:50,332 --> 01:17:53,632
...suffered a fatal heart attack on stage
at 11:00 tonight...
1348
01:17:53,802 --> 01:17:55,100
...at the Edison Ballroom.
1349
01:17:55,270 --> 01:17:59,503
The 95-year-old Conner was taken
by ambulance to Mt. Sinai Hospital...
1350
01:17:59,675 --> 01:18:01,974
...where she was pronounced
dead on arrival.
1351
01:18:02,144 --> 01:18:03,942
The legendary actress-comedienne...
1352
01:18:04,112 --> 01:18:06,809
...was the honoree
at tonight's Friars Club Tribute.
1353
01:18:06,982 --> 01:18:09,679
New York One's Jaime Puckett
was there and spoke afterward...
1354
01:18:09,851 --> 01:18:12,343
...with Friars Abbot Dick D'Angelo.
1355
01:18:12,521 --> 01:18:15,616
We lost a great one tonight. I'm...
1356
01:18:17,793 --> 01:18:19,694
...devastated.
1357
01:18:20,195 --> 01:18:23,222
May and I were more than just...
Fans all over the world will be mourning.
1358
01:18:23,432 --> 01:18:26,493
She was, truly, America's Queen of Comedy.
1359
01:18:26,668 --> 01:18:31,163
Family members requested
that the Friars cancel the broadcast...
1360
01:18:31,339 --> 01:18:32,830
...and, of course, we agreed.
1361
01:18:55,997 --> 01:18:58,865
So nothing in New York.
Nothing in the tristate area.
1362
01:18:59,034 --> 01:19:03,495
We have three offers for appearances.
In Wisconsin is a Democratic fundraiser.
1363
01:19:03,672 --> 01:19:05,231
Wisconsin in February? Next.
1364
01:19:05,407 --> 01:19:09,071
Then a three-day master-comedy class
seminar at SOAS College.
1365
01:19:09,244 --> 01:19:11,236
- What's SOAS College?
- It's in London.
1366
01:19:11,413 --> 01:19:14,247
The last one you're not gonna like,
but it pays the most.
1367
01:19:14,416 --> 01:19:16,408
It's a television-classics
autograph convention...
1368
01:19:16,585 --> 01:19:19,749
- ...in West Palm Beach doing Eddie.
- What are the Democrats paying?
1369
01:19:19,921 --> 01:19:21,287
Three thousand, plus expenses.
1370
01:19:21,490 --> 01:19:25,018
The Republicans would pay a lot more,
but who wants to do it for them?
1371
01:19:25,193 --> 01:19:26,559
So, what about London?
1372
01:19:26,728 --> 01:19:28,560
Five thousand,
but you pay for your ticket.
1373
01:19:28,730 --> 01:19:31,962
- What about Florida?
- Twenty-five thousand, plus expenses.
1374
01:19:32,134 --> 01:19:33,295
I gotta take that.
1375
01:19:34,803 --> 01:19:36,738
- Yeah.
- For you.
1376
01:19:37,639 --> 01:19:40,473
Hey, here's your number seven.
Hold the Russian dressing.
1377
01:19:40,642 --> 01:19:42,042
What are you doing after work?
1378
01:19:42,210 --> 01:19:44,441
- She deserted you?
- No, she's gonna come back.
1379
01:19:44,613 --> 01:19:45,637
Cool it, Casanova.
1380
01:19:45,814 --> 01:19:47,749
Mrs. Berkowitz...
1381
01:19:47,916 --> 01:19:49,976
- Excuse me?
- All right, Tina. I'll get the number seven.
1382
01:19:50,152 --> 01:19:52,144
You got 30 days, I got life.
1383
01:19:52,320 --> 01:19:54,448
Does she know? About the money?
1384
01:19:54,623 --> 01:19:56,251
- Yes.
- Gonna take a while to pay you back.
1385
01:19:56,424 --> 01:20:00,418
No. She knows, and we both agree,
we don't want you to pay us back.
1386
01:20:00,595 --> 01:20:02,427
What does that mean? You can't...
1387
01:20:02,597 --> 01:20:05,590
What it means is I don't have
to do this anymore. You understand?
1388
01:20:05,767 --> 01:20:08,293
I'm through with this. I'm done with this.
1389
01:20:08,470 --> 01:20:12,635
You don't come back anymore
and ask for anything ever again.
1390
01:20:12,808 --> 01:20:15,141
- What are you so mad about?
- I'm not mad.
1391
01:20:15,310 --> 01:20:18,508
But people don't change.
People never change.
1392
01:20:18,680 --> 01:20:21,275
They are what they are, and that's that.
1393
01:20:21,449 --> 01:20:23,281
What is this?
1394
01:20:24,052 --> 01:20:27,784
You see how it is with her?
Like, you've become a thing.
1395
01:20:27,956 --> 01:20:29,322
Oh, I'm a thing now?
1396
01:20:29,491 --> 01:20:31,983
You're a thing, I can't take it,
I can't do it anymore.
1397
01:20:32,160 --> 01:20:33,651
I can't take the aggravation.
1398
01:20:33,829 --> 01:20:35,855
I don't know what to say.
1399
01:20:36,064 --> 01:20:39,262
I'm so fucking aggravated.
I'm trying to get something going here.
1400
01:20:39,434 --> 01:20:42,336
By the way, I thought you killed
at the wedding. You killed.
1401
01:20:42,504 --> 01:20:44,939
You smashed.
You knocked it out of the park.
1402
01:20:45,106 --> 01:20:47,666
- It was... I had fun doing it.
- Brittany loved it.
1403
01:20:47,843 --> 01:20:49,141
She was never happier.
1404
01:20:49,311 --> 01:20:50,609
Oh, good. Well, that's good.
1405
01:20:50,779 --> 01:20:52,805
That's what it's all about, for her,
you know?
1406
01:20:52,981 --> 01:20:55,212
If you're ever playing anywhere,
you let me know.
1407
01:20:55,383 --> 01:20:58,012
- I'll come, we'll have a beer.
- Okay. That, I appreciate.
1408
01:20:58,186 --> 01:20:59,711
- Okay?
- Yeah.
1409
01:21:00,188 --> 01:21:01,622
See you.
1410
01:21:01,790 --> 01:21:03,656
I'll call you tomorrow.
1411
01:21:04,826 --> 01:21:06,226
Okay.
1412
01:21:06,394 --> 01:21:09,998
So, what's it gonna be?
Wisconsin, London or Florida?
1413
01:21:53,174 --> 01:21:54,836
Wow, what a beautiful audience.
1414
01:21:55,010 --> 01:21:58,538
I wanna say before we start, I've been
looking forward to this performance...
1415
01:21:59,915 --> 01:22:04,876
...more than any other because being
here with you makes me feel alive.
1416
01:22:07,055 --> 01:22:08,580
Sing along if you know the words.
1417
01:22:13,962 --> 01:22:15,521
Chair.
1418
01:22:51,833 --> 01:22:53,426
What is that?
1419
01:22:53,802 --> 01:22:55,327
Look who's here.
1420
01:22:55,503 --> 01:22:58,769
The laugh-a-minute.
What the fuck are you doing here?
1421
01:22:58,940 --> 01:23:01,637
I just came by to say hello.
1422
01:23:01,810 --> 01:23:04,279
- Passing through.
- Oh, could you say goodbye?
1423
01:23:07,282 --> 01:23:09,444
Just calm down.
It's okay. I'm just visiting.
1424
01:23:09,617 --> 01:23:12,451
Don't let the door hit you in the ass
on the way out.
1425
01:23:12,620 --> 01:23:14,851
Eddie. Is that you?
1426
01:23:15,623 --> 01:23:18,092
Aren't you Eddie from Eddie's Home?
1427
01:23:18,259 --> 01:23:20,660
I'm such a fan of yours.
1428
01:23:20,829 --> 01:23:23,765
- No. No. It's okay.
- Oh, I love it. I just love you.
1429
01:23:30,805 --> 01:23:31,932
Thank you!
1430
01:23:32,107 --> 01:23:33,769
Oh, thank you so much.
1431
01:23:33,942 --> 01:23:36,275
Thank you so, so much.
1432
01:23:36,444 --> 01:23:39,107
- That was sweet.
- Thank you so, so much.
1433
01:23:39,280 --> 01:23:40,441
Thank you so much.
1434
01:23:40,615 --> 01:23:41,674
- You know...
- It's nice.
1435
01:23:41,850 --> 01:23:45,878
...it isn't often enough that we take
the time to hear the stories...
1436
01:23:46,054 --> 01:23:48,285
...and listen to the wisdom of our elders.
1437
01:23:48,456 --> 01:23:51,119
So I wanna come down and get to know
some of you wonderful people.
1438
01:23:51,292 --> 01:23:53,523
Let's start with you, young lady.
What's your name?
1439
01:23:53,695 --> 01:23:55,527
- Adele.
- Hello, Adele.
1440
01:23:55,697 --> 01:23:57,393
Tell us a little about yourself.
1441
01:23:58,266 --> 01:24:01,532
I was a gym teacher for 42 years.
1442
01:24:01,703 --> 01:24:03,695
- Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
- Gym teacher.
1443
01:24:03,872 --> 01:24:06,307
- I'm gonna tell everybody.
- You look terrific.
1444
01:24:06,474 --> 01:24:07,806
See him? Eddie.
1445
01:24:07,976 --> 01:24:09,911
- Why are you here?
- What do you mean?
1446
01:24:10,078 --> 01:24:12,912
- What are you doing here?
- I'm here. I just told your father.
1447
01:24:13,081 --> 01:24:16,643
- What, is Alzheimer's contagious?
- Your punch lines for us are over.
1448
01:24:16,818 --> 01:24:18,377
Can you give us a sec?
1449
01:24:18,553 --> 01:24:20,681
Oh, thank you. Thank you so, so much.
1450
01:24:20,855 --> 01:24:23,324
Let's go over here.
What's your name, miss?
1451
01:24:23,491 --> 01:24:25,426
- Look. Look who's there.
- I am Miriam.
1452
01:24:25,593 --> 01:24:27,926
- Tell us a little about yourself, Miriam.
- Eddie.
1453
01:24:28,096 --> 01:24:30,327
Well, I was a dancer.
1454
01:24:30,899 --> 01:24:32,492
I was on Broadway once.
1455
01:24:33,168 --> 01:24:34,898
- Eddie.
- Broadway star.
1456
01:24:35,070 --> 01:24:36,094
What's new, Esther?
1457
01:24:36,304 --> 01:24:39,069
- I can't believe Eddie's here.
- Right here in our midst.
1458
01:24:39,240 --> 01:24:42,176
- Can I have your autograph?
- Why did you show up without calling?
1459
01:24:42,343 --> 01:24:45,245
Well, I didn't. I called you before
and you never answered me.
1460
01:24:45,413 --> 01:24:49,407
You never got back to me once. I thought
I'd come say hello since I was down here.
1461
01:24:49,584 --> 01:24:51,519
Go out there, big shot. They want you.
1462
01:24:51,686 --> 01:24:53,678
I'm not fucking going out there. You go.
1463
01:24:53,855 --> 01:24:56,450
Come on. You're an entertainer.
Give them what they want.
1464
01:24:56,624 --> 01:25:00,117
- Come on.
- You do it, buddy. You go up and do it.
1465
01:25:00,562 --> 01:25:02,292
Yeah, but you can't just show up here.
1466
01:25:02,464 --> 01:25:05,127
I just came here for business.
A convention.
1467
01:25:05,333 --> 01:25:06,631
You had a convention?
1468
01:25:06,835 --> 01:25:09,236
- I'm going to a convention.
- You're just...
1469
01:25:09,404 --> 01:25:10,963
Well, you should've called...
1470
01:25:11,139 --> 01:25:12,266
- ...and not...
- What's wrong?
1471
01:25:13,108 --> 01:25:15,543
- Nothing's wrong.
- After I left those messages...
1472
01:25:15,710 --> 01:25:17,702
...so many messages,
you didn't call me once.
1473
01:25:17,879 --> 01:25:20,405
- You...
- I texted you, you didn't answer the text.
1474
01:25:20,582 --> 01:25:22,278
No. Really, I've just been so busy.
1475
01:25:22,450 --> 01:25:24,612
Okay. I understand that, but I'm here now.
1476
01:25:24,786 --> 01:25:27,415
Thought I'd take you to dinner.
How about tomorrow night?
1477
01:25:27,589 --> 01:25:29,922
That's fine.
Just call before you show up like that.
1478
01:25:30,091 --> 01:25:33,118
Okay. Let's have a hand
for Devin O'Connor.
1479
01:25:34,462 --> 01:25:35,657
Thank you.
1480
01:25:35,864 --> 01:25:38,629
- Great performance. Folks...
- Good job, honey. Thank you.
1481
01:25:38,800 --> 01:25:41,964
...I've got a really big surprise
for you now.
1482
01:25:42,137 --> 01:25:44,299
- Just in from New York...
- Oh, no.
1483
01:25:44,472 --> 01:25:48,568
- ...television star and personal friend:
- This guy.
1484
01:25:48,743 --> 01:25:52,271
- Eddie from Eddie's Home.
- See?
1485
01:25:53,281 --> 01:25:55,978
That's right. Eddie from Eddie's Home.
1486
01:25:56,151 --> 01:26:00,282
Don't go out there.
No. This isn't... This is not your crowd.
1487
01:26:00,455 --> 01:26:01,821
They don't like comedy.
1488
01:26:01,990 --> 01:26:03,424
Let's bring him up here.
1489
01:26:03,591 --> 01:26:05,856
- If you want to, you can, but...
- Come on.
1490
01:26:06,027 --> 01:26:07,859
- ...it's not a good idea.
- Yeah.
1491
01:26:08,029 --> 01:26:09,759
Now your father's my best friend.
1492
01:26:09,931 --> 01:26:12,167
Yes. Can you believe it?
1493
01:26:15,203 --> 01:26:17,866
Thank you. Thank you.
Happy to be here. Happy to be here.
1494
01:26:18,039 --> 01:26:21,601
And I wanna thank
my new best friend, Mac Schiltz.
1495
01:26:22,010 --> 01:26:24,605
Only he knows how close we really are.
1496
01:26:24,779 --> 01:26:27,681
Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer?
1497
01:26:28,516 --> 01:26:29,950
- Yeah.
- Come sit on my lap.
1498
01:26:30,118 --> 01:26:31,814
I'll spin you around like a dreidel.
1499
01:26:31,986 --> 01:26:33,420
That was a Jewish joke.
1500
01:26:34,322 --> 01:26:37,315
My mother was a dancer.
She worked at a gentleman's club.
1501
01:26:37,492 --> 01:26:39,188
She was a lap dancer.
1502
01:26:39,360 --> 01:26:41,989
You imagine how hard it was
for me to nurse?
1503
01:26:44,365 --> 01:26:47,358
- Is that supposed to be funny?
- It was supposed to be funny.
1504
01:26:47,535 --> 01:26:49,026
- You didn't like that?
- Well...
1505
01:26:49,204 --> 01:26:51,639
Would you like me to do it another way?
1506
01:26:52,373 --> 01:26:54,069
Like that? That's not funny to you?
1507
01:26:54,242 --> 01:26:56,643
- What kind of dancer were you?
- I was a chorus girl.
1508
01:26:56,811 --> 01:26:58,643
A chorus girl.
1509
01:26:58,813 --> 01:27:01,544
- I always wanted to bang a chorus girl.
- Join the club.
1510
01:27:01,716 --> 01:27:03,582
Oh, good comeback.
1511
01:27:03,751 --> 01:27:06,186
You're a good sport, Miriam. I like that.
1512
01:27:06,354 --> 01:27:08,755
Let's do a threesome: me, you and Adele.
1513
01:27:10,024 --> 01:27:14,587
How about that? She was a gym teacher,
so she'll do all the heavy lifting.
1514
01:27:14,762 --> 01:27:16,060
Probably a dyke.
1515
01:27:16,231 --> 01:27:17,722
That doesn't matter.
1516
01:27:17,899 --> 01:27:20,494
What's with these guys here?
What's this group?
1517
01:27:20,668 --> 01:27:23,502
- You look like a street gang or something.
- Yeah. That's us.
1518
01:27:23,671 --> 01:27:24,934
- What's your name?
- Herman.
1519
01:27:25,106 --> 01:27:28,668
Herman. With a name like that,
you must have got laid a lot.
1520
01:27:29,911 --> 01:27:34,349
I recognize you. I remember. I see you
prowling all the discos and clubs here.
1521
01:27:34,515 --> 01:27:37,508
There's a lot of them in this part
of the world. Good for you.
1522
01:27:37,685 --> 01:27:40,519
What about your porn?
You guys have a porn collection?
1523
01:27:40,688 --> 01:27:42,122
Who's got the best pussy shots?
1524
01:27:42,290 --> 01:27:43,918
- Bernie.
- Bernie.
1525
01:27:44,092 --> 01:27:46,254
- Yeah.
- Now listen, I'm curious, Bernie.
1526
01:27:46,427 --> 01:27:48,862
Are you a breast man or tit man?
1527
01:27:49,030 --> 01:27:50,931
Leg man? Ass man?
1528
01:27:51,099 --> 01:27:52,567
- Whatever else?
- Tuchuses.
1529
01:27:52,734 --> 01:27:54,635
- Tuchuses?
- Yes.
1530
01:27:57,505 --> 01:27:59,906
- Have you met Adele, the gym teacher?
- Oh, yeah.
1531
01:28:00,074 --> 01:28:02,908
I know you two must have been fucking
each other for a couple of years.
1532
01:28:03,077 --> 01:28:06,138
She used to be able to climb up
a rope with just her ass.
1533
01:28:06,314 --> 01:28:07,748
Oh, no.
1534
01:28:08,616 --> 01:28:10,312
Adele, I found a live one.
1535
01:28:10,885 --> 01:28:11,978
No.
1536
01:28:12,153 --> 01:28:14,713
I think he's alive, hold on.
Yeah. He's alive.
1537
01:28:14,889 --> 01:28:16,619
Still ticking. Where you going?
1538
01:28:16,791 --> 01:28:19,124
Hey, hey, fellow. Rip Van Winkle.
1539
01:28:19,294 --> 01:28:21,786
My name is Benjamin.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
1540
01:28:21,963 --> 01:28:24,956
Benjamin, what do you have to do,
number one or number two?
1541
01:28:31,272 --> 01:28:34,106
Number three.
1542
01:28:34,275 --> 01:28:35,834
- Number three?
- Yeah.
1543
01:28:38,546 --> 01:28:40,913
Number three. The big Mac Schiltz special.
1544
01:28:43,818 --> 01:28:46,481
Are you sure? I think
you already did something there.
1545
01:28:46,654 --> 01:28:49,783
You know, I...
Looks like you did number six there.
1546
01:28:50,825 --> 01:28:52,350
Jesus, or maybe it's up to eight.
1547
01:28:55,363 --> 01:28:57,992
Okay. I see you all like bathroom humor...
1548
01:28:58,166 --> 01:29:02,001
...which is good because that's
what I like. We're all thinking alike.
1549
01:29:02,170 --> 01:29:06,335
Look, I'm gonna do a song,
and I'm gonna change the lyrics slightly.
1550
01:29:06,507 --> 01:29:08,772
So I think we'll have a little fun with that.
It's called...
1551
01:29:08,943 --> 01:29:12,107
Well, you've all heard
the song "Makin' Whoopee"?
1552
01:29:12,280 --> 01:29:15,978
So I'm just gonna change it a little,
and when I point to you...
1553
01:29:16,150 --> 01:29:19,678
...you go, "Not making poopie."
1554
01:29:20,455 --> 01:29:21,855
- Can we do that?
- Okay.
1555
01:29:22,023 --> 01:29:23,855
One, two, three. Let's try it now:
1556
01:29:24,025 --> 01:29:26,688
Not makin' poopie
1557
01:29:26,861 --> 01:29:28,227
Okay. One more time.
1558
01:29:28,396 --> 01:29:31,662
Come on, you guys sound like
you need a little coke to get you going.
1559
01:29:31,833 --> 01:29:33,859
One more time, one, two, three:
1560
01:29:34,035 --> 01:29:36,561
Not makin' poopie
1561
01:29:36,738 --> 01:29:37,967
Yeah! Okay. Great.
1562
01:29:38,139 --> 01:29:39,732
Here we go. Here it goes.
1563
01:29:39,907 --> 01:29:41,739
Maestro...
1564
01:29:42,110 --> 01:29:45,046
Another fear
1565
01:29:45,213 --> 01:29:47,478
Another year
1566
01:29:47,648 --> 01:29:49,708
Another enema
1567
01:29:49,884 --> 01:29:51,682
In your rear
1568
01:29:52,353 --> 01:29:53,821
Elimination
1569
01:29:54,155 --> 01:29:56,715
Constipation
1570
01:29:56,891 --> 01:29:58,052
Not makin'...
1571
01:29:58,226 --> 01:29:59,558
Poopie
1572
01:29:59,727 --> 01:30:00,751
Yeah.
1573
01:30:00,928 --> 01:30:04,888
Pee pee is fine
Except if it leaks
1574
01:30:05,066 --> 01:30:08,696
What'd you expect
From elderly freaks?
1575
01:30:10,037 --> 01:30:11,505
It's so abusive
1576
01:30:11,672 --> 01:30:14,335
Stools are elusive
1577
01:30:14,509 --> 01:30:15,533
Not makin'
1578
01:30:15,710 --> 01:30:18,009
Whoopee, not "poopie."
1579
01:30:19,013 --> 01:30:20,379
We're doing "poopie" here.
1580
01:30:20,548 --> 01:30:23,450
- I am not.
- All right.
1581
01:30:26,354 --> 01:30:28,949
We've got a killjoy in the house.
1582
01:30:29,157 --> 01:30:30,284
Okay.
1583
01:30:30,458 --> 01:30:32,427
You're on the toilet
1584
01:30:32,593 --> 01:30:34,789
From 9 to 5
1585
01:30:34,962 --> 01:30:39,457
Holy shit
It's good to be alive
1586
01:30:39,667 --> 01:30:41,295
It's all a breeze now
1587
01:30:41,803 --> 01:30:44,534
But please don't sneeze now
1588
01:30:46,774 --> 01:30:48,902
You're making poopie
1589
01:30:49,310 --> 01:30:51,302
Big finish.
1590
01:30:51,479 --> 01:30:56,543
Not being loopy
Better than whoopee
1591
01:30:56,717 --> 01:30:58,083
Everybody now.
1592
01:30:58,252 --> 01:31:02,280
I'm making poopie
1593
01:31:04,058 --> 01:31:05,617
Poopie.
1594
01:31:05,793 --> 01:31:06,988
Poopie.
1595
01:31:08,696 --> 01:31:12,326
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
1596
01:31:12,500 --> 01:31:14,935
Well, I hope nobody was offended here.
1597
01:31:15,102 --> 01:31:16,331
It was all in good fun.
1598
01:31:16,504 --> 01:31:21,943
In about 20 years, we're all gonna be
dead, so let's celebrate while we can.
1599
01:31:34,322 --> 01:31:35,847
Thanks for coming.
1600
01:31:40,928 --> 01:31:43,864
I feel like I'm looking
at myself in a mirror.
1601
01:31:44,031 --> 01:31:45,932
- What's your name?
- Ted.
1602
01:31:46,100 --> 01:31:49,366
Are you still friends with the other actors,
Arlene and your son?
1603
01:31:49,537 --> 01:31:51,438
No. They all died.
1604
01:31:51,806 --> 01:31:53,138
Sorry.
1605
01:31:54,275 --> 01:31:55,675
Boy, they were funny.
1606
01:31:55,843 --> 01:31:58,836
Funny. Funny. She was funny. He was funny.
1607
01:31:59,013 --> 01:32:00,037
Very funny.
1608
01:32:00,248 --> 01:32:02,274
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
1609
01:32:02,450 --> 01:32:05,318
Do you still think the show is funny
after all these years?
1610
01:32:06,020 --> 01:32:08,615
Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes...
1611
01:32:08,789 --> 01:32:11,349
...but it wasn't always about the laughs.
1612
01:32:11,526 --> 01:32:13,495
Eddie could say the craziest things.
1613
01:32:13,661 --> 01:32:15,459
I think that's what I liked most.
1614
01:32:17,331 --> 01:32:21,132
Can I just get one "Hey, Arlene"
for my wife? Just one?
1615
01:32:21,302 --> 01:32:22,998
Yeah. Sure.
1616
01:32:24,372 --> 01:32:28,002
"Arlene, Eddie's home!
1617
01:32:28,175 --> 01:32:31,304
I'm gonna kill the whole fucking family!
1618
01:32:31,479 --> 01:32:35,041
Me, you and our little fruitcake son!"
1619
01:32:35,216 --> 01:32:37,412
Oh, my God.
1620
01:32:37,585 --> 01:32:40,487
- How's that?
- That's what I'm talking about.
1621
01:32:40,655 --> 01:32:43,352
- You liked that?
- Thanks for being Eddie.
1622
01:32:58,573 --> 01:33:00,007
- Hey.
- Hey, you ready?
1623
01:33:01,709 --> 01:33:05,942
I actually don't feel very good.
I was thinking about staying in tonight.
1624
01:33:06,414 --> 01:33:08,849
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1625
01:33:09,016 --> 01:33:11,508
- You all right?
- Yeah.
1626
01:33:14,956 --> 01:33:16,549
Can I come in?
1627
01:33:17,458 --> 01:33:19,120
For a minute?
1628
01:33:19,727 --> 01:33:21,127
Sure.
1629
01:33:27,068 --> 01:33:28,559
You look nice.
1630
01:33:28,736 --> 01:33:30,568
Thanks. You too.
1631
01:33:30,738 --> 01:33:33,037
No, I don't.
1632
01:33:33,207 --> 01:33:35,142
Is everything okay?
1633
01:33:35,843 --> 01:33:37,106
Yeah, because we had...
1634
01:33:37,278 --> 01:33:41,613
We had such a good time,
and now everything feels a little...
1635
01:33:41,782 --> 01:33:43,444
A little off.
1636
01:33:43,618 --> 01:33:45,280
I mean, do you have a boyfriend...
1637
01:33:45,453 --> 01:33:48,048
- ...or somebody you're seeing?
- No.
1638
01:33:49,423 --> 01:33:50,618
No.
1639
01:33:51,492 --> 01:33:52,790
No.
1640
01:33:53,394 --> 01:33:54,589
Something that I did?
1641
01:33:54,762 --> 01:33:57,129
No, no, no.
1642
01:33:57,298 --> 01:33:58,732
No?
1643
01:34:02,370 --> 01:34:03,963
Well...
1644
01:34:06,607 --> 01:34:08,098
...I'm pregnant.
1645
01:34:12,680 --> 01:34:14,478
You're pregnant.
1646
01:34:19,987 --> 01:34:21,615
Is it...?
1647
01:34:23,457 --> 01:34:26,291
So...? It's me, you mean?
1648
01:34:28,496 --> 01:34:30,021
Yeah.
1649
01:34:30,531 --> 01:34:31,863
I know.
1650
01:34:32,033 --> 01:34:34,628
- You sure?
- Yeah.
1651
01:34:34,802 --> 01:34:39,866
I mean, the timing's right, and I haven't
been with anyone else, so...
1652
01:34:40,041 --> 01:34:42,943
You haven't been with anyone else?
You gotta be honest with me.
1653
01:34:43,110 --> 01:34:45,341
Can you blame me? I gotta ask you.
1654
01:34:45,513 --> 01:34:47,345
I mean, I have to.
1655
01:34:51,352 --> 01:34:54,481
I've gotta make sure that it's my child.
1656
01:34:58,125 --> 01:34:59,616
Okay.
1657
01:35:01,729 --> 01:35:03,288
No.
1658
01:35:04,131 --> 01:35:06,225
It's yours.
1659
01:35:13,674 --> 01:35:15,870
Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are.
1660
01:35:16,043 --> 01:35:18,979
- I'm not...
- No. You're not as shocked as I am.
1661
01:35:19,146 --> 01:35:21,240
- Yeah, I am.
- No, you're not.
1662
01:35:26,253 --> 01:35:28,188
You know, I wasn't gonna...
1663
01:35:28,355 --> 01:35:30,847
...do this, and I made
the appointment at the clinic...
1664
01:35:31,025 --> 01:35:34,484
...and I drove myself down there, and I...
1665
01:35:35,329 --> 01:35:37,992
...couldn't get out of the car.
It was the weirdest thing.
1666
01:35:38,165 --> 01:35:42,364
I... I just kept thinking about the...
1667
01:35:42,536 --> 01:35:47,372
...talk that we had
and talking about my mom and I...
1668
01:35:48,042 --> 01:35:51,604
You know, I felt like I couldn't...
1669
01:35:51,779 --> 01:35:54,772
...make this baby feel unwanted
the way I was.
1670
01:35:54,982 --> 01:35:56,678
And I just...
1671
01:35:56,851 --> 01:35:58,285
I...
1672
01:35:58,486 --> 01:36:03,424
I feel like I'm never gonna have
this opportunity again, you know, and...
1673
01:36:04,091 --> 01:36:07,027
...so I'm gonna give it a shot...
1674
01:36:07,194 --> 01:36:10,096
...and I'm excited.
1675
01:36:14,435 --> 01:36:16,870
So I have nothing to say about this?
1676
01:36:17,805 --> 01:36:19,103
What do you have to say?
1677
01:36:19,273 --> 01:36:21,435
Well, maybe I don't wanna be
a father again.
1678
01:36:21,609 --> 01:36:24,773
Okay. Well, you don't have to be a father.
Nobody's asking you.
1679
01:36:24,945 --> 01:36:28,382
But I'm gonna be the father
and I'm gonna be an older father, which...
1680
01:36:28,549 --> 01:36:31,144
...I don't expect you to understand,
but I am.
1681
01:36:31,318 --> 01:36:34,880
I can't even guarantee
how long I'll be around for the child.
1682
01:36:35,623 --> 01:36:37,251
I'm...
1683
01:36:39,160 --> 01:36:42,153
Actually, it's me having the baby,
not you...
1684
01:36:42,329 --> 01:36:45,925
...and so you are,
like I said, off the hook.
1685
01:36:46,100 --> 01:36:48,592
I'm not off the hook. I'm sorry.
I'm not off the hook.
1686
01:36:48,769 --> 01:36:51,068
- Okay. I'm not asking you.
- I'm not off the hook.
1687
01:36:51,238 --> 01:36:54,072
I'm the father, and you're telling me
that I'm off the hook?
1688
01:36:54,241 --> 01:36:57,075
- No. This is...
- You can't just decide this on your own.
1689
01:36:57,244 --> 01:36:59,145
- Doesn't work that way. I'm sorry.
- I can.
1690
01:36:59,313 --> 01:37:02,306
- It does affect me.
- And I just did decide. Thank you.
1691
01:37:02,483 --> 01:37:04,315
- Yes. I did decide this.
- It affects me.
1692
01:37:04,485 --> 01:37:06,920
No. It doesn't. It doesn't affect you.
1693
01:37:07,087 --> 01:37:09,022
- It does.
- You have nothing to do with it.
1694
01:37:09,190 --> 01:37:11,091
You have the baby, it doesn't affect me?
1695
01:37:11,258 --> 01:37:13,523
- You're not giving me any choice.
- Okay, well...
1696
01:37:13,694 --> 01:37:17,529
You did have a choice!
You just said you didn't wanna be a father.
1697
01:37:17,698 --> 01:37:21,931
I didn't say... I said, I don't know
if I wanna be a father again.
1698
01:37:22,102 --> 01:37:25,334
That's fine. I don't want you to be!
I don't need you to be!
1699
01:37:25,506 --> 01:37:29,273
If this hadn't happened, I'd run into you
in five years. You'd be with a little kid.
1700
01:37:29,443 --> 01:37:31,935
You gonna tell me,
"By the way, this is your child"?
1701
01:37:32,112 --> 01:37:34,707
- You didn't want anything to do with it!
- Pregnant with my child...
1702
01:37:34,882 --> 01:37:37,044
- ...and you wouldn't tell me.
- So fucking what?!
1703
01:37:37,218 --> 01:37:39,687
- There you go!
- So fucking what?!
1704
01:37:39,854 --> 01:37:42,881
- "Fuck you. I'll have the child."
- You should get that.
1705
01:37:43,624 --> 01:37:46,219
This is... Unbelievable.
1706
01:37:46,393 --> 01:37:48,362
Ah, fuck. Fuck this.
1707
01:37:48,529 --> 01:37:50,691
This is fucking crazy.
1708
01:37:51,799 --> 01:37:54,735
Miller, I'm busy. I don't wanna
talk business when I'm here.
1709
01:37:54,902 --> 01:37:56,803
No. I don't wanna talk to you right now.
1710
01:37:56,971 --> 01:37:59,531
- Miller, what is it? What do you wanna...?
- Goddamn it.
1711
01:37:59,907 --> 01:38:02,138
I don't have time to talk right now.
What is it?
1712
01:38:02,309 --> 01:38:03,470
You're viral again.
1713
01:38:03,644 --> 01:38:06,204
- What?
- Yeah. Something about "poopie"?
1714
01:38:07,314 --> 01:38:09,909
And a bunch of retirees?
1715
01:38:10,417 --> 01:38:11,476
Holy shit
1716
01:38:11,652 --> 01:38:14,850
I'm makin'
I'm makin' poopie
1717
01:38:15,022 --> 01:38:17,355
I'm makin'
I'm makin' shit
1718
01:38:17,524 --> 01:38:21,256
I'm makin'
I'm makin' poopie
1719
01:38:21,428 --> 01:38:24,990
Over three million views in eight hours,
and it is still climbing.
1720
01:38:25,165 --> 01:38:27,862
You are on Kimmel. You're on Fallon.
1721
01:38:28,035 --> 01:38:30,197
So I got a call from Carol Bock
from RAW TV.
1722
01:38:30,371 --> 01:38:32,203
Carol Bock. What the fuck does she want?
1723
01:38:32,373 --> 01:38:34,842
She needs a host for a reality-show pilot.
1724
01:38:35,009 --> 01:38:37,069
It shoots on Monday in New York.
1725
01:38:37,244 --> 01:38:39,179
Monday... So soon?
1726
01:38:39,346 --> 01:38:41,906
They had D'Angelo signed.
He had to drop out at the last minute.
1727
01:38:42,082 --> 01:38:43,675
Of course. He's got a better manager.
1728
01:38:43,851 --> 01:38:45,911
No, he got pancreatic cancer.
1729
01:38:47,588 --> 01:38:49,682
Timing is everything.
1730
01:38:49,857 --> 01:38:53,589
Cancer. Who'd he steal that from?
Okay. I'm coming.
1731
01:38:53,761 --> 01:38:57,459
- All right. Don't leave me hanging.
- Yeah. I said, I'm coming! Yeah.
1732
01:39:00,701 --> 01:39:02,636
I'm making poopie
1733
01:39:02,803 --> 01:39:06,262
It's good to be alive
1734
01:39:06,440 --> 01:39:07,533
Yeah.
1735
01:39:07,708 --> 01:39:09,700
Makin' shit
I'm makin'
1736
01:39:09,877 --> 01:39:10,901
I'm makin'
1737
01:39:11,078 --> 01:39:13,647
- Poopie
- I'm makin' shit
1738
01:39:15,749 --> 01:39:17,115
Well, well.
1739
01:39:17,284 --> 01:39:18,946
- Hey, Mac.
- What have we here?
1740
01:39:19,119 --> 01:39:21,645
The comedian slithering out?
1741
01:39:21,822 --> 01:39:24,087
Look, I got a gig in New York.
It's important.
1742
01:39:24,258 --> 01:39:25,556
Let me tell you something.
1743
01:39:25,726 --> 01:39:27,627
Back in the day, when I was making book...
1744
01:39:27,795 --> 01:39:31,630
...I knew who was gonna lose
and who was gonna win. I had an instinct.
1745
01:39:31,799 --> 01:39:34,633
The losers, I'd deposit their money
before the race ran.
1746
01:39:34,802 --> 01:39:36,236
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1747
01:39:36,403 --> 01:39:38,804
You, my friend, are money in the bank.
1748
01:39:38,973 --> 01:39:41,272
Okay. So now you're saying I'm a loser?
1749
01:39:41,442 --> 01:39:43,343
Get the fuck out of here.
1750
01:39:43,510 --> 01:39:44,739
Hey, you know...
1751
01:39:44,912 --> 01:39:47,313
...I hear you're gonna be a grandpa.
1752
01:39:49,016 --> 01:39:51,679
Congratulations. That's exciting.
1753
01:39:51,852 --> 01:39:54,321
Just don't be surprised
if the kid comes out of the womb...
1754
01:39:54,488 --> 01:39:57,652
...with a mic, doing dick jokes.
You know what I mean?
1755
01:39:59,126 --> 01:40:00,788
- See you at the bris.
- Look around.
1756
01:40:00,961 --> 01:40:04,090
- There's people everywhere.
- "Arlene." Why don't you work on that?
1757
01:40:04,264 --> 01:40:06,665
Because it really sucked
the way you did it.
1758
01:40:06,834 --> 01:40:09,303
"Arlene." That's how you do it, schmuck.
1759
01:40:09,803 --> 01:40:11,795
Get it right next time. Work on it.
1760
01:40:11,972 --> 01:40:14,339
"Arlene. Arlene.
1761
01:40:14,508 --> 01:40:15,840
Arlene."
1762
01:40:16,010 --> 01:40:18,980
From New York City, RAW TV...
1763
01:40:19,146 --> 01:40:21,342
...the game-changer
in innovative television...
1764
01:40:21,515 --> 01:40:26,112
...brings you Say Uncle,
a new experiment in jeopardy...
1765
01:40:26,286 --> 01:40:30,280
...starring the king of shock comedians,
Jackie Burke.
1766
01:40:30,457 --> 01:40:34,155
Hello, everybody. Welcome to Say Uncle.
1767
01:40:34,328 --> 01:40:36,229
I'm your host, Jackie Burke.
1768
01:40:36,397 --> 01:40:39,890
Each week on Say Uncle,
we find out if you have what it takes...
1769
01:40:40,067 --> 01:40:45,301
...to take the pain and win cash
and prizes, or will you say uncle...
1770
01:40:45,472 --> 01:40:49,204
...and go home empty-handed,
disappointing your family...
1771
01:40:49,376 --> 01:40:50,969
...and crushing your dreams?
1772
01:40:51,145 --> 01:40:55,014
Our first contestant is Mark Chapel
from Brookline, Massachusetts.
1773
01:40:56,183 --> 01:40:57,583
How you doing today, Mark?
1774
01:40:57,785 --> 01:40:59,378
Hi. Great.
1775
01:41:01,021 --> 01:41:05,152
This week, we take you to bayou country
where it's man against nature.
1776
01:41:05,325 --> 01:41:08,727
Or in this case, Mark against
hundreds of pissed-off crawfish.
1777
01:41:10,230 --> 01:41:12,722
Look what we have for you, Mark.
1778
01:41:13,200 --> 01:41:15,726
A couple of nice ones.
1779
01:41:15,903 --> 01:41:17,337
Here we go.
1780
01:41:17,504 --> 01:41:19,496
Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Got you.
1781
01:41:19,673 --> 01:41:23,075
These pincers can inflict
a lot of pain and damage.
1782
01:41:23,811 --> 01:41:25,336
You sure you're up to this, Mark?
1783
01:41:25,512 --> 01:41:26,912
Bring it on, Uncle Jackie.
1784
01:41:27,081 --> 01:41:31,075
Right now, our two bayou babes,
each married to close relatives...
1785
01:41:31,251 --> 01:41:33,720
...are helping Mark into a swamp pirogue.
1786
01:41:33,887 --> 01:41:35,412
That was my idea.
1787
01:41:35,589 --> 01:41:37,057
- The crawfish.
- The crawfish...
1788
01:41:37,224 --> 01:41:39,090
...and the bayou babes. That was me.
1789
01:41:39,259 --> 01:41:42,354
Don't forget, if you last two minutes
with these hungry crawfish...
1790
01:41:42,529 --> 01:41:45,124
...you'll win this new hybrid car...
1791
01:41:46,200 --> 01:41:51,036
...a Caribbean vacation
for you and your entire family...
1792
01:41:51,638 --> 01:41:55,268
...and $10,000 in cash!
1793
01:41:56,477 --> 01:41:57,968
- We got it.
- Okay.
1794
01:41:58,145 --> 01:42:00,774
Are you sure you're ready
for the bayou challenge, Mark?
1795
01:42:01,548 --> 01:42:02,811
Yes, Uncle Jackie.
1796
01:42:02,983 --> 01:42:05,714
Okay. Let's start the clock.
1797
01:42:06,120 --> 01:42:08,988
Crawfish, it's dinnertime.
1798
01:42:14,228 --> 01:42:17,630
That doesn't look so bad to me.
I've stayed in worse motels.
1799
01:42:17,798 --> 01:42:23,795
Though I have to say,
these bedbugs are on the large size.
1800
01:42:23,971 --> 01:42:25,564
Even by New York standards.
1801
01:42:25,739 --> 01:42:29,301
Bayou babes, bring in reinforcements.
1802
01:42:32,179 --> 01:42:34,614
I thought having crabs was bad.
1803
01:42:35,482 --> 01:42:38,919
I'm not as much of a man as you are,
Mark. I've gotta hand it to you.
1804
01:42:39,086 --> 01:42:41,146
You got a lot of chutzpah
and a lot of balls.
1805
01:42:41,321 --> 01:42:42,653
I think one bit me.
1806
01:42:44,892 --> 01:42:48,829
Oh, first bite. Let's hope
those other mudbugs don't catch on.
1807
01:42:49,196 --> 01:42:50,687
Twenty-four seconds, Mark.
1808
01:42:50,898 --> 01:42:53,026
Hang in there. Hang in there.
1809
01:42:53,200 --> 01:42:55,465
Think of the cash,
the money, the vacation.
1810
01:42:58,505 --> 01:43:00,997
You can do it. You're gonna make it.
You're gonna make it.
1811
01:43:01,175 --> 01:43:02,666
He's never gonna make it.
1812
01:43:02,843 --> 01:43:06,473
You're almost there, Mark.
Keep it going. Think of the money.
1813
01:43:06,647 --> 01:43:09,310
Uncle! Uncle!
1814
01:43:11,285 --> 01:43:12,719
Uncle!
1815
01:43:12,920 --> 01:43:14,320
Mark!
1816
01:43:15,155 --> 01:43:16,179
Loser!
1817
01:43:23,697 --> 01:43:25,393
You're a disappointment, Mark.
1818
01:43:25,566 --> 01:43:27,797
You okay? You all right?
1819
01:43:27,968 --> 01:43:30,369
It's all right. It's okay. It's okay.
1820
01:43:30,537 --> 01:43:31,971
Okay.
1821
01:43:33,207 --> 01:43:36,177
I'm sorry. I tried. I really did.
1822
01:43:37,511 --> 01:43:40,481
Honey, it's okay. I know.
1823
01:43:40,647 --> 01:43:43,082
- I'm sorry.
- We love you. The kids love you.
1824
01:43:43,250 --> 01:43:44,582
You suck, Mark!
1825
01:43:45,819 --> 01:43:47,344
Say Uncle will be right back.
1826
01:43:47,521 --> 01:43:50,980
But for me, I'd rather have
Stevie Wonder shave my balls...
1827
01:43:51,158 --> 01:43:54,526
...with a fucking butcher knife
than be part of this fucking reality show.
1828
01:43:54,695 --> 01:43:59,724
This is Jackie Burke saying "uncle,"
and RAW TV, you can go fuck yourself.
1829
01:44:02,369 --> 01:44:03,428
Jackie.
1830
01:44:03,604 --> 01:44:06,665
I'm keeping the Safari jacket,
in case I ever get booked in Africa.
1831
01:44:06,840 --> 01:44:08,274
Jackie.
1832
01:44:10,477 --> 01:44:12,105
Sorry.
1833
01:44:28,028 --> 01:44:32,432
You know, my kid, he's over 6 feet tall.
I hardly ever hear from him.
1834
01:44:32,599 --> 01:44:35,933
- But all of the stages are beautiful.
- Yeah.
1835
01:44:36,103 --> 01:44:38,197
Oh, that lucky kid.
1836
01:44:38,705 --> 01:44:39,729
Hey.
1837
01:44:40,607 --> 01:44:42,906
Where's the Florida sunshine?
1838
01:44:50,651 --> 01:44:51,710
Hey.
1839
01:44:53,620 --> 01:44:54,781
Look at you.
1840
01:45:00,560 --> 01:45:02,153
This is a surprise.
1841
01:45:02,329 --> 01:45:03,763
Yeah.
1842
01:45:04,164 --> 01:45:05,757
You look beautiful.
1843
01:45:05,932 --> 01:45:07,560
Really great.
1844
01:45:13,674 --> 01:45:17,042
Look, I just wanted to talk to you.
1845
01:45:19,246 --> 01:45:21,147
See how you are.
1846
01:45:23,150 --> 01:45:25,346
It felt strange
after the way we left things.
1847
01:45:26,186 --> 01:45:28,678
I was gonna call you, but it was...
1848
01:45:28,855 --> 01:45:30,483
It didn't feel good to do that.
1849
01:45:30,657 --> 01:45:34,492
So I just decided to come here,
and I wanna give you this.
1850
01:45:34,661 --> 01:45:39,361
It's a bunch of mementos,
family photographs, my family.
1851
01:45:40,467 --> 01:45:42,095
In case...
1852
01:45:42,669 --> 01:45:46,299
...he or she would want
to know things about...
1853
01:45:48,608 --> 01:45:49,940
...me.
1854
01:45:50,110 --> 01:45:51,703
Of course.
1855
01:45:52,946 --> 01:45:55,541
But just so you have it.
In case. You never know.
1856
01:45:55,716 --> 01:45:57,207
And you do whatever you want.
1857
01:45:57,384 --> 01:45:59,615
If you want me to be involved...
1858
01:45:59,786 --> 01:46:02,119
...in his or her life, fine.
1859
01:46:02,289 --> 01:46:05,350
If you don't, I won't like that,
but I'll have to accept it.
1860
01:46:06,193 --> 01:46:07,354
Okay.
1861
01:46:07,527 --> 01:46:11,020
But I'm there. I want you to know,
I'm there for you, for the kid.
1862
01:46:11,198 --> 01:46:14,191
That's the most important thing
I want you to know.
1863
01:46:16,169 --> 01:46:19,298
I care about you a lot. You know that.
1864
01:46:20,707 --> 01:46:22,335
Okay.
1865
01:46:27,647 --> 01:46:29,172
Take care of yourself.
1866
01:46:29,349 --> 01:46:30,977
Let's hope the kid looks like me.
1867
01:47:41,988 --> 01:47:43,980
Hey, Jackie. Jackie.
1868
01:47:44,324 --> 01:47:45,952
- Yeah.
- Sit.
1869
01:47:46,426 --> 01:47:48,725
Sit. Join us.
1870
01:47:48,895 --> 01:47:50,591
Do you wanna go on tonight?
1871
01:47:50,764 --> 01:47:52,460
Any spot you want, just let me know.
1872
01:47:52,632 --> 01:47:55,625
Estee, why are you being so nice to me?
There's something wrong.
1873
01:47:55,802 --> 01:47:58,465
Your video got more hits
than 2 girls, 1 cup. It's fucking viral.
1874
01:47:58,638 --> 01:48:00,334
- Sit down.
- Which video? What video?
1875
01:48:00,507 --> 01:48:04,911
That Say Uncle thing. Three in a row.
You're more viral than Charlie Sheen.
1876
01:48:05,078 --> 01:48:08,947
"This is Jackie Burke saying 'uncle,'
and RAW TV go fuck yourself."
1877
01:48:09,115 --> 01:48:11,414
- Fuck yourself.
- Everyone saw it, man. Everybody.
1878
01:48:11,585 --> 01:48:13,611
Six million views and counting.
1879
01:48:13,787 --> 01:48:16,086
Six million? But how did they get it out?
1880
01:48:16,256 --> 01:48:18,282
It was two months ago.
1881
01:48:19,025 --> 01:48:20,584
You got it out?
1882
01:48:20,927 --> 01:48:22,759
You finally did something good.
1883
01:48:23,296 --> 01:48:25,162
- To Jackie.
- Congratulations, Jackie.
1884
01:48:25,332 --> 01:48:27,858
- You're back, you mean motherfucker.
- Fist-bump it.
1885
01:48:28,034 --> 01:48:31,766
- Where's your drink? This is so weird.
- Hey, where's my viral video?
1886
01:48:31,938 --> 01:48:33,839
- Punch me in the face?
- Miller the Killer.
1887
01:48:34,007 --> 01:48:35,441
You... Miller the Killer.
1888
01:48:37,377 --> 01:48:39,775
Holy shit!
1889
01:48:41,114 --> 01:48:42,446
All right.
1890
01:48:42,616 --> 01:48:44,983
Try to talk about regular stuff,
like music and politics.
1891
01:48:45,151 --> 01:48:46,779
If you got a handlebar mustache...
1892
01:48:46,953 --> 01:48:50,856
...all I wanna hear you talk about is
Slinkys and kazoos, and that's it.
1893
01:48:51,024 --> 01:48:52,959
You talk about kazoos for a few minutes...
1894
01:48:53,126 --> 01:48:55,527
...then you gonna hop
on a unicycle and juggle.
1895
01:48:55,695 --> 01:48:57,857
You carnival-faced motherfucker.
1896
01:48:59,299 --> 01:49:02,701
Are you guys ready for your next
comedian? Make some noise.
1897
01:49:04,471 --> 01:49:07,839
You guys are a beautiful crowd.
We have a surprise guest for tonight.
1898
01:49:08,008 --> 01:49:12,002
You might have seen him on RAW TV,
snapping and telling them to fuck off.
1899
01:49:12,178 --> 01:49:15,410
Please welcome to the stage
the great Jackie Burke, everybody.
1900
01:49:15,582 --> 01:49:17,380
Jackie Burke.
1901
01:49:27,427 --> 01:49:31,023
Yeah, give it up for Hannibal Buress.
1902
01:49:31,731 --> 01:49:34,428
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
1903
01:49:36,236 --> 01:49:39,673
Thank you. Thank you very much, folks.
Thank you. This is really nice.
1904
01:49:39,839 --> 01:49:41,740
Last time I heard "Jackie"
chanted like that...
1905
01:49:41,908 --> 01:49:45,709
...I was bent over in the shower
at Nassau County Correctional.
1906
01:49:48,415 --> 01:49:51,749
Okay, Jackie. You're finally working
at the Comedy Cellar again.
1907
01:49:51,918 --> 01:49:53,887
Don't fuck this up.
1908
01:49:54,054 --> 01:49:55,454
Don't curse too much.
1909
01:49:55,622 --> 01:49:57,557
Don't pull your dick out.
1910
01:49:57,958 --> 01:50:01,827
Don't attack anyone physically
unless they really, really deserve it.
1911
01:50:03,697 --> 01:50:07,099
Well, looks like
all my ex-wives were wrong.
1912
01:50:07,267 --> 01:50:08,462
The bitches.
1913
01:50:08,635 --> 01:50:11,469
Sometimes, it really does pay
to be a total asshole.
1914
01:50:12,439 --> 01:50:15,409
And if I had known psychotic breakdowns
were so entertaining...
1915
01:50:15,575 --> 01:50:18,545
...I'd have just been myself
all these years.
1916
01:50:18,712 --> 01:50:22,615
Oh, you know what? I forgot.
I'm gonna be a dad.
1917
01:50:22,782 --> 01:50:24,114
Yeah.
1918
01:50:24,951 --> 01:50:28,581
You don't have to applaud.
I know I'm fucking old.
1919
01:50:28,755 --> 01:50:31,589
I mean, halfway through pulling out,
I fell asleep.
1920
01:50:32,292 --> 01:50:35,421
Before my sperm leaves my balls,
it has to stop and ask directions.
1921
01:50:37,664 --> 01:50:41,601
Boy, you guys are great. It's nice
to be in front of a young crowd like this.
1922
01:50:41,768 --> 01:50:43,566
Younger than dead.
1923
01:50:44,004 --> 01:50:46,269
I should hire you to come to all my gigs.
1924
01:50:47,440 --> 01:50:51,241
- How much do you pay?
- I don't know... You? I...
1925
01:50:53,980 --> 01:50:56,609
Well, I don't know.
I'd give you 10 for a hand-job...
1926
01:50:56,783 --> 01:51:00,276
...and an extra 100 if you promise
not to wreck it by talking.
1927
01:51:04,324 --> 01:51:06,486
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
1928
01:51:50,970 --> 01:51:52,461
You made it.
1929
01:51:52,639 --> 01:51:54,301
- The plane was delayed.
- It's okay.
1930
01:51:54,474 --> 01:51:57,342
Okay, everyone. Have a seat,
have a seat, and take a bow, Amaya.
1931
01:51:57,510 --> 01:52:00,002
Okay. Okay. Thank you.
1932
01:52:00,547 --> 01:52:02,311
- Great. Oh, isn't she cute?
- Hi, Gary.
1933
01:52:02,482 --> 01:52:04,041
- Hey, Jackie.
- We're next.
1934
01:52:04,217 --> 01:52:10,054
Our next very, very talented youngster
we have is, Miss Ralli Berkowitz.
1935
01:52:10,223 --> 01:52:11,953
Come on out, Ralli.
1936
01:52:16,730 --> 01:52:18,494
Oh, no. Here we go.
1937
01:52:19,566 --> 01:52:22,730
So, what's the deal
with chores and allowances?
1938
01:52:22,902 --> 01:52:24,996
I turn 8, and my mom says:
1939
01:52:25,171 --> 01:52:28,403
"I'll give you $10 a week
to make your room...
1940
01:52:28,575 --> 01:52:32,171
...wash the dishes
and clean the cat's litter box."
1941
01:52:32,345 --> 01:52:36,077
Ten dollars? That's slave labor.
1942
01:52:39,185 --> 01:52:41,916
I go to our neighbor's house, and I say:
1943
01:52:42,088 --> 01:52:44,717
"What will you give me
if I make your room...
1944
01:52:44,891 --> 01:52:48,419
...wash your dishes
and clean your cat's litter box?"
1945
01:52:48,595 --> 01:52:51,190
Neighbor says, "I don't have a cat."
1946
01:52:51,364 --> 01:52:53,924
So I piss in her hallway and say:
1947
01:52:54,100 --> 01:52:57,696
"You go to 15 a week,
and I'll supply the pussy."
1948
01:52:59,205 --> 01:53:01,140
Oh, my God.
1949
01:53:02,142 --> 01:53:04,407
Oh, my gosh.
1950
01:53:04,577 --> 01:53:06,569
This fucking thing on?
1951
01:53:09,115 --> 01:53:10,708
Thanks so much, Ralli. Okay.
1952
01:53:10,884 --> 01:53:13,911
Very good. Thank you.
Okay, sweetheart. Good. All right.
1953
01:53:14,087 --> 01:53:15,885
Okay. Right.
1954
01:53:16,055 --> 01:53:17,819
Thanks so much, Ralli.
1955
01:53:18,024 --> 01:53:19,424
Right. Thanks, honey.
1956
01:53:19,592 --> 01:53:21,993
All right. Wonderful.
1957
01:53:22,162 --> 01:53:23,755
And we have...
1958
01:53:23,930 --> 01:53:25,228
Did you teach her that?
1959
01:53:25,965 --> 01:53:28,901
I would never teach her anything like that.
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