All language subtitles for The Good Place S01E02

[mid-tempo music]

- You, Eleanor Shellstrop,
are dead.

- Cool.

- Eleanor, you are my soul mate.

- There's been a big mistake.

I'm not supposed to be here.

- Wait, what?

- These people might be good,

but are they really that much
better than me?

[thunder booms]

Chidi: Eleanor!

This is all happening
because of you!

- Give me a chance.

Let me earn my place here.

Let me be your ethical
guinea pig.

My soul is in your hands,
soul mate.

- I, uh--I don't know
what to do here.

This is a mess,
morally speaking.

This is a putrid,
disgusting bowl

of ethical soup.

- Okay, well how about
we just chill

and go to the town meeting

and talk it out after?

- W--
- Great.

Hey, how do I make
that helper woman show up?

Hello?
Front desk lady?

Magical slave robot?

- Excuse me, Janet?

- Hi there.
- [gasps]

Gah--still not used to it.

Um, Janet, I need--

quick question:

can anyone access
our search history,

or is this an incognito
browsing situation

like when you're stalking
a hot mailman

from your work computer?

- It is 100% confidential.

No one can access
what you ask me,

including Michael.

Now, what kind of pornography
would you like to see?

- No.
No, no, no, not porn.

I, um--I need clothes

like yours and Chidi's
with the stripes.

- There you go.

[indistinct chatter]

[claps]
- Everybody, everybody!

Uh, gather round, please,
thank you, thank you.

Obviously, there's
something very wrong

with this neighborhood.

We don't know what it is,

how long it will last,

or what caused it.

What do we know, Janet?

- We know where it happened.

Here.

- Yes, thank you, Janet.

The chaos happened here.

See, that's the trouble
with these perfect systems.

One little flaw can lead to--

well, it can lead to

Gary over there.

[indistinct murmuring]

Hey, Gary.

Hang in there, buddy.

Boy, my armpits are leaking.

What is that called again?

- Sweat.
- Right, right.

Still not used to being
in a human body.

And what do you do
with sweat?

Do--do you lick it away,
is that right?

- No, you dab it
with a cloth.

- Oh, right.

And then you lick the cloth?

That seems weirder.

- Michael.

Look!

- Okay.
That's a good sign.

It--it could mean that
this is almost over.

- Oh, such a relief.

That was my first time
as a fashion "don't,"

and I did not care for it.

[mid-tempo music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, things are settling
down outside.

I think it's time

to make me good, partner.
How do we do it?

Is there a pill I can take

or something I could vape?

Where did you get
a chalkboard?

- It's the Good Place;

you can get anything
you want at any time.

- And you chose
a chalkboard?

What are you reading?

- "The Metaphysics of Morals"
by Immanuel Kant.

It's a treatise on
the aesthetic preconditions

of the mind's receptivity
to duty.

A book on how to act good.

- Oh, great!

So you've decided
to help me?

- I don't know.
There's a thousand questions.

Is there a moral imperative
to help you?

Do I have a greater obligation
to my community?

Are you taking
someone else's spot,

someone who deserves
to be here?

- Ooh, on that question,

I honestly think

I was just put here
by mistake.

Because Michael called me
Eleanor Shellstrop,

so he knows I'm me.

He's just wrong about my

overall "quality" level.

Please, help me, man.

I swear I am worth it.

- Tell me one fact

that you know about me.

I mean, we spent
the whole day together.

You must remember something.

What country am I from?

- [groans]
Is it racist if I say Africa?

- Yes, and Africa
is not a country.

I am from Senegal.

Do I have any siblings?

Where did I go to college?

- Trick question.

You didn't.

- I was literally

a college professor.

Do you not remember
one single thing about me?

- Dude, things have been
nuts around here.

I bet you don't know
anything about me.

- You were born in Phoenix.
You went to school in Tempe.

You're an only child.

Your favorite show
is something called

"The Real Housewives
of Atlanta,"

and your favorite...book

is Kendall Jenner's
Instagram feed.

- How did you know all that?

- Because you are
constantly talking

about yourself.

You are the most
self-obsessed person

I have ever met.

- You should see
Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.

- Okay, this is my fear
about you, Eleanor.

You are too selfish

to ever be a good person.

- Well, I think you're wrong.

- What country
am I from, again?

- Sen...

sodyne.

- That is a brand
of toothpaste.

Look, the only thing
that you are concerned with

is your own happiness.

That's your problem.

- [scoffs]

Okay, names in the hat.

Time to pick
a designated driver.

And the loser is...

Betsy.

- Wait, you never get picked,

and you're always the one
who draws the name.

Let me see that.
- There's no need.

Everyone here believes in
my integrity 100%, right, guys?

- Give it to me.

- For the record,

I did that out of principle,

because it absolutely
had your name on it.

- If I check the other ones,
I can figure it out

by process of elimination.

- Again...

Out of principle.

Let it wash over you, Betsy.

This is what integrity
looks like.

- All right, everyone,
let's get started.

Things have settled down.

Whew!
[chuckles]

So hopefully,
we're off and running.

Welcome to orientation,
day two.

Now, today we're gonna start
with something

that everyone
has always wanted to do.

Flying.

[gasps and warm applause]

Now that you're dead,
let's live a little, right?

- Uh, sorry.
Uh, Michael?

If--if I might?

I was just thinking,

earlier today
in all of the chaos,

large swaths of this
neighborhood were destroyed.

We thought perhaps
some of us

could, uh, volunteer
to help clean up the debris.

You know, it's quite
a fun way

to band together
as a community,

isn't that right, Jianyu?

Oh, uh, yeah, sorry.

For those of you
who don't know,

my soul mate, Jianyu here,
is a Buddhist monk.

He took a vow of silence
that he's still observing,

even here,
in the Good Place.

It's truly inspiring.

- Well, Tahani,
it's not really your job

to clean up,
but I suppose there's no harm

if you really want to.

- Oh, well, hurrah.

We need about, uh,
12 volunteers.

- Oh!

- I can't believe all these
people are passing on flying

to pick up garbage all day.

[chuckles]
Have fun, nerds.

I'll be soaring through the air
like a forkin' bird.

- Eleanor and I
would love to help.

- Ah, hurrah-hurrah, yay.

- Dude.

- You want to prove
you're not selfish?

Here's the perfect test.

There's something fun
that you want to do,

and then there's something
less fun that people are doing

for the common good.

Which do you choose?

- Have fun.

- Whoo!

[woman laughing]

- Hey!
[people chattering]

- Yeah!

- Whee!

- Hey, up there,

having fun, or does it
maybe suck, probably?

- Well, I wouldn't call it fun,

I'd say it's like

50 million
simultaneous orgasms,

but better.

How's volunteer
garbage pickup?

- About the same.
- Great!

Whee!

.

- You know, this really reminds
me of my time in Vietnam,

picking up mortar shells
with my godmother, Diana.

Doesn't really matter
of what she's a princess of.

It's not really important.

- Tahani!
How goes the cleaning?

- Oh, swimmingly, Michael.

And I have to say

this neighborhood
that you've built

is truly a masterpiece,

the likes of which
I've never seen.

And I've been to Johnny Depp's
private bird sanctuary.

- Well, thank you.
That's very kind of you to say.

[sniffs]

But it's also dead wrong.

This neighborhood is a disaster.

See, I must have made
a mistake somewhere.

[sniffs]
And it led to all this chaos,

and now I'm just--
I'm just terrified

that it's gonna happen again.

I'm trying to put
a good face on

well, this--this face that
I've constructed for myself.

But the truth is,

I--I'm just miserable.
[sniffs]

I have to go.

Thank you so much
for your service.

- Oh, no.

Powerful people do not
handle failure well.

Michael could be heading
for a total meltdown.

Soul mate,

are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Should we say it
at the same time?

All right.
One, two, three.

We must help Michael.

Oh, you sly devil.

You're going to keep me
on my toes, aren't you?

All right, come on.
Let's go.

- [giggling]

Oh.
- Ooh.

- Hey, Gunnar!
Hey, Antonio!

- Hey, Eleanor.

Isn't this great?
- Um, yeah.

When I thought
of the afterlife,

I totally pictured

being an unpaid,
non-flying janitor.

- Us too!

[laughter]

- You guys are so fun.

Just relentlessly fun.

I keep thinking, "When are they
gonna stop being fun?"

And the answer is never.

You're never gonna stop.
[both giggling]

Well, I have had
a pretty full day

of being unselfish.

I've made some new friends.

My area's almost
garbage-free.

So you're gonna
help me figure out

how to stay, right?

- Well, that is
a really tough question.

Most great philosophers
would say

helping you is pointless,

that you can't try
to be good,

especially when your motivations
are so obviously corrupt.

- Yeah, but what do
most great philosophers know?

- On the other hand,
Aristotle

thought that moral virtue
is something

that you could get better at.

He--he compared it
to playing the flute.

The more you practice,
the more you improve.

- Aristotle!
That's my boy, right there.

He was the best.

I mean, most people agree
he was the best one.

So it sounds to me
like you are on board

the "help Eleanor" train.

- Well, I've narrowed it down
to two possibilities:

yes and no.

- Well, no worries.

Just hit me up
when you're done

weighing my life
in your hands.

I'll just keep doing
what I do best:

being super considerate

and selfless.

[exhales]

Hey, guys.

- Okay, Eleanor, reminder.

We switched
to a rotating system

for choosing
a designated driver,

and it's your turn.

- Got it.

Full disclosure,

I forgot we were doing
this new system.

I got off work early.

I've been here
for about an hour,

and I'm already pretty drunk.

- Someone else will do it.

- Good call.

Guess the only place
I'll be driving

is through
the giant loophole

in the system
I accidentally discovered.

Beep! Beep!

[laughs]

[slurping]

Whoo!

- Whoa!
[people cheering]

- I can't believe
they've managed to mix

one million flavors together,

and yet, somehow, I can taste
each individual one.

It's remarkable.

- I got no-flavor.

It's all I deserve, really.
- No.

- Look, I--I appreciate
you trying to cheer me up.

I really do,
but you don't understand.

This was the very first
neighborhood

that I got to design.

It was my chance
to prove myself,

and now I've blown it.

- You know, sometimes
a flaw can make something

even more beautiful,

like with Cindy Crawford
and how short she is.

- Oh, Tahani,

if I made one tiny mistake
in my design,

if there's a single glitch
in the system,

if even one blade of grass

is angled a--a fraction
of a degree off...

[dog whimpers]

The whole neighborhood
is compromised.

Whose dog is that?

Guys, whose dog is that?

Whose dog is that?

See, this is one of those
glitches I was talking about.

Nice try, puppy!

[dog whimpering]

[dog whimpers,
pop]

Whew!
[chuckles]

That was a close one.

- Teacup?

Hey, have you seen my dog?

- [grunts]

Shouldn't these be
magical trash bags?

- Five more minutes,
flyers!

Five more minutes!

- Oh, man, really?

[bright instrumental music]

♪ ♪

Janet, I'm finished
with cleanup,

and I'm ready to fly.

How do I start?
- Hop on the launch pad

and conjure an image
that brings you pure joy.

Some people think
of their wedding day

or favorite vacation spot.

- People puking
on roller coasters.

People puking
on roller coasters.

[gasps]

[laughs]
It's working!

Ow!
What the fork?

[thunder crashing]

Janet, any chance this is

a scheduled trash storm?

- So here's the situation,
Pevita.

I kind of kicked your dog
into the sun.

But I got her back.

[dog whimpers and growls]
Everything--

everything seems fine.

- Teacup, thank goodness
you're okay.

- Everyone, it is merely
a construct of a dog.

It feels no pain
or joy or love.

- Teacup doesn't love me?

- Oh!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
it definitely feels love.

Do you actually want a dog that
loves you a little bit more?

Because I can kick her
right back into the sun

and get you another one
just like that.

- No!
- Oh, boy.

I'm making things worse.

- Okay, all right,
that's all right.

Breathe.
Breathe--do you breathe?

- Mm-hmm.
- If you do, then just breathe

'cause everything's fine,
Michael, it's fine.

Ooh!

[wind whistling]

- It's raining garbage.

Run!

- Ooh, ooh, no, no, no,
I'm gonna run this way.

[garbage clattering]

- Chidi! Hey.

Before you say anything...

That's it, I just don't
want you to say anything.

- What did you do?
- Nothing!

It just started
raining trash

out of nowhere
for no reason at all.

[thunder crashes]
[screams]

Oh--okay, fine, fine.

My bag broke,
and I ditched the trash

instead of taking it
all the way to the dumpster.

But in my defense,

there were only
five minutes left in flying

and I wanted to go flying.

- How is that a defense?

You made a bad choice.

- I made a bad choice?

We could have
literally been flying,

and all you wanted to do
was talk about morals.

I mean, you're like
the worst part of Superman.

- This is a relief.

I can stop my deliberations.

You're a selfish person,

and it is pointless
to help you.

You are on your own.

- Oh, man.
[laughing]

How 'bout this trash storm,
Gunnar?

- More cleaning up to do.

- It's a--
it's a dream come true.

- [gasps]

[both exhale]

- We're okay!

You can't die here.

- Come on, I mean,
even you have to admit,

those guys are psycho.

.

- I don't know what's
happening to me.

I mean, it's my duty

to be calm and in control

and I'm falling apart.

- No, Michael, you are
a paragon of fortitude.

You're a mountain of strength.

- I'm not a mountain
of strength.

I'm a canyon

full of poo-poo.
[sobbing]

- Jianyu, the architect
of this neighborhood

has just referred to himself
as a canyon

full of poo-poo.

Surely now,
you will say something?

Grace us with
your vocalized wisdom.

Please, I'm begging you.

[gentle piano music]

♪ ♪

- Oh.

Yes, yes, I understand.

The strength is inside me.

It's been there all along.

No, of course,
I can overcome any obstacle.

Oh, thank you, Jianyu,
thank you.

[laughs]

I'm back.

- You did it.

Oh, you have so much
to teach me.

Maybe I should try
to be silent too.

No really, look.

Here I go.

Oh! That was wonderful!

So cleansing.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

- Just water tonight, huh?

Designated driver?

- Yeah, it sucks.

- I think it's awesome.

I mean, someone's
got to do it, right?

I think it's a cool thing
to do for people.

- Yeah.

No--no, I meant--

I meant--I--it sucks
that I can't do it

more often, you know?

I actually prefer it
to drinking.

Staying sober and

knowing my friends
will get home safe,

that's my buzz.

Hey, guys,
good news and bad news.

See that hot bartender
over there?

He's into me,
and we're gonna bang it out.

The bad news is, it means
I can't drive you guys home.

But I did call a cab
for you guys.

But they recognized
my number,

and they didn't want to come.

I've thrown up
in a lot of cabs.

So are we good here?

- Eleanor, you have
a very important choice to make.

If you blow us off,

you are banned from
Thursday night drinks

forever.

- Yeah, I'm good with that.

I'll see you guys at work.

Peace!

You, let's go.

[sighs]

Hey.

How did you know I was here?

- I saw you from my window.

That's where I live,
by the way.

Not that you ever asked.

What are you doing?

- I went to all the places

where I dumped trash earlier

and cleaned it up

so it couldn't
be traced back to me.

- Well, it looks like you

cleaned up everything.

You're doing this
because you feel bad.

And you're not even doing it
to get me to help you anymore

because I told you
that's not gonna happen.

- Okay, yeah, fine,
I felt bad

for stupid Gunnar
and stupider Antonio

and the whole neighborhood.

I felt bad about what I did.

It was a weird feeling.

Not used to it.
Didn't love it.

- Well, feeling remorse
about being wrong

isn't as good as just
doing something right,

but it's a start.

Look, I think you're
capable of change.

And I will help you try.

- Oh, wow, man,

I swear I won't let you down.

- Hi there.
I've collected

the worst-smelling garbage
that I could find.

Do you still want me to dump it
inside of Antonio's house?

- What?

No.

I did not tell you
to do that.

You are loco, girlfriend.

Okay, I won't let you down
starting now.

.

- [chuckling]

Ah, Eleanor.

Good morning.
- Michael.

Do you know what the best part
about this place is?

You figured out
how to make a to-go cup

that doesn't leak right where
the seam meets the lid.

- Oh, I'm so glad you noticed.

I was very proud of that.

One of the hardest problems
I had to solve.

Eleanor,

I know what you did.

Cleaning up the entire
neighborhood by yourself.

[laughs]

I knew you were special,

but this is proof.

- Well, I was just doing
my part.

You know?

And, um, since I'm special,

your words,

I didn't get to fly.

- I'm sorry.

No, I've had to ban flying

for 1,000 years.

Too many injuries.

One resident hit
a rotting turkey carcass

at 1,000 miles an hour.

It just exploded into
this fireball

of turkey flesh and bones
sinew.

Anyway...

Enjoy your coffee.

And the cup.

- So I have moved out
of my apartment officially

and into your guestroom.

Figured it would cause
less suspicion

and make things easier
for our "good person" lessons.

- Cool.

Uh, just FYI, I'm a very loud
snorer.

And I like to drip dry
in the nude,

so eyes to yourself, perv.

- Okay, fine.

Now you got a long way to go
to pull this off.

It will take
hours and hours

of studying ethics
and moral philosophy.

We're gonna have
assignments

and quizzes and papers.

It's gonna be so much fun.

- Remind me what
I'm getting out of this again.

- You get to avoid
eternal damnation.

- Oh, yeah.
Right.

Hey, I got you a present.

- What?

- Senegal.

- That's not a present;
that's just common decency.

- Yeah, but
I forkin' nailed it.

- Good talk.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

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