Original subtitles

'Once upon a time, in a town not far from yours,

'there lived a real fast guy.

'His life was fast. His friends were fast.

'Even his food was fast.

'But he was still not satisfied.

'He wanted to share his fast philosophy

'with someone else:

'a beautiful girl.

'The trouble was she was in the arms of

'another man.'

Whoops!

Good luck, honey.

- What are we gonna do, Janet? - It's all right, Brad.

Everything's gonna be all right.

♪ You'll find happy hearts

♪ And smiling faces

♪ And tolerance for

♪ The ethnic races

♪ In Denton

♪ You'll find a ramblin' rose

♪ And a picket fence

♪ Tenderness

♪ And innocence

♪ In Denton

♪ You'll find conference rooms

♪ And a children's playground

♪ Denton is a real okay town

♪ Civic pride and civic duty

♪ And Denton girls are

♪ Full of beauty

♪ You may call us the goody-goody two shoes

♪ We're here to cheer you with the good news

♪ That D-E-N-T-O-N

♪ Gets T-E-N That's ten out of ten

♪ If you're looking for a life of leisure

♪ You're gonna get a whole lot to please ya

- ♪ Again and again - ♪ And again and again

♪ And again

♪ Denton, Denton

♪ You've got no pretension

♪ You're where the heart is You're okay

♪ Denton, Denton

♪ I'd just like to mention

♪ You're the home of youth

♪ You're America's truth

♪ You're Denton Denton, U.S.A.

♪ This is the mecca of America

♪ The Bethlehem of the West

♪ This is the birthplace of the virtuous

♪ The home of happiness

♪ Leisure-wise we're sure you will adapt

♪ Enjoy your stay Have a happy holiday

♪ And we'll all put Denton Denton on the map

♪ Denton, Denton

♪ You've got no pretension

♪ You're where the heart is You're okay

♪ Denton, Denton

♪ I'd just like to mention

♪ You're the home of youth

♪ You're America's truth

♪ You're Denton Denton, U.S.A.

♪ Denton, Denton

♪ You've got no pretension

♪ You're where the heart is You're okay

♪ Denton, Denton

♪ I'd just like to mention

♪ You're the acceptable face

♪ Of the human race

♪ You're Denton Denton, U.S.A. ♪

Well, how about that?

Wasn't that terrific?

And now for, well, certainly...

my favourite part of the show...

- and I sincerely hope yours at home. - Get the whole crowd.

- Our regular in-depth discussion... - Dressing room. Right here.

...with Judge Oliver Wright,

Denton's leading social scientist.

- Judge Wright? - Mm-hmm.

Did you enjoy our anthem?

In a way.

I detect a note of reticence.

Are you perhaps one of those amongst us...

who feel this emotive form of presentation is overly manipulative?

Well, Betty, there are many ways

that the spider may catch the fly.

There are monetary inducements.

- Hi, Brad. Hi, Janet. Come for Marriage Maze? - 'Extortion.'

Seduction.

I'm exhausted working on this documentary for Farley's new show.

- Hmm? - 'Blackmail.'

- Farley Flavours, our new sponsor. - Oh.

- Whoo. - 'Prejudice.'

I tell you, Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come

to a successful man in this town.

- 'And lies.' - 'Thank you, Judge Oliver Wright.'

And now for a commercial break.

Okay, kids, let's hear the five F's for today.

- "F" for... - Farley!

- "F" for... - Flavours!

- "F" for... - Fabulous!

- "F" for... - Fast!

- And "F" for... - Five!

'First and foremost,

'Farley Flavours' fabulous fast foods

'feed and fortify families for a fabulous future.'

'Stand by for Marriage Maze. Strike Denton Dossier.'

Thank you so much, Judge Wright, for another wonderful interview.

Judge Wright? Oh, come on, Betty. First names surely.

Oh. Oliver. You're so tolerant.

Time for a coffee break before you rush off?

I'd love to, that is if you don't mind being seen with an older man.

Why, Oliver.

Since Ralph and I separated, maturity is something I look for in a man.

- Hi, Ollie. - Hi, Betty.

- Hi, Betty. - Hello, Neely.

You keep up that high standard of interview

and I'm gonna have to include you in Farley's documentary.

You're so probing.

A free thinker.

Everything's free there.

- Hi, Betty. The usual? - Plus one.

There you go. Hi, Max. Hey, you gonna be watching Marriage Maze?

- Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's finest hour. - Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- This could be a major step forward for him. - Yeah, a leap in the dark.

I better go check on the Bert. Otherwise...

- Right. - Good luck.

Okay.

'And here to bring your just desserts

'and a recipe for a perfect marriage

'is that gorgeous gourmet,

'tossing the uproarious salad of life,

'Marriage Maze host, Bert Schnick.'

'Three seconds.'

- Hoopla, Denton! - Hoopla, Bert!

Thank you. Welcome. Thank you.

Before we start I want to say one or two words about tomorrow night's great new show...

The Faith Factory Sh...

And as a matter of fact, we have in the studio audience tonight

the host and his lovely cohost.

Give a big hand, please, to Ralph Hapschatt

and the vivacious Macy Struthers.

Hey, Ralph!

Let's get a camera in there, for heaven's sake.

- Over the moon about that commercial, Macy. - Thanks, Bert.

Got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night, Ralph?

You bet, Bert!

Good! I'm gonna be there! Ain't we all, viewers?

'Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must've been blind.'

Still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde.

Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience there?

'What an ideal couple they are.

'You know, more than anyone else in Denton, they represent the old values.'

Ike would have been proud of them.

And now, would the first couple who seem to have made a hash of their marriage

and cooked their goose, step this way, please!

- You! - That's us, Brad.

Come on. What's cooking up there? Come on down, you guys.

Let's feel you.

- I'm not going, Janet. - You've got to. Everyone's watching.

Face the cameras. Face the cameras.

Now introduce yourselves.

- My name is Brad... - I'm Janet... Oh. Sorry.

I'm Janet Majors, and this is my husband Brad.

Hey, Brad, we've been hearing some bad things about you. Haven't we, Janet?

- Haven't we, Janet? - Uh, yes, he needs help.

Help? Let's face it, Janet.

Brad's an emotional cripple.

'I know, I know.'

It looks like Rest Home for this stupid old marriage, eh?

Tell me, Janet. 'Do you watch Dentonvale?

Uh, yes, I've caught it once or twice.

That's right. DTV's most popular hospital series

featuring those perennial favourites, Nation and Cosmo McKinley.

Neuro-specialists par excellence.

I recommend, if you pardon my French, Janet,

that you send Brad to them for treatment.

Oh, uh, well, I know he's a little boring, but neuro-specialists?

- That sounds a little drastic. - It's no use pussyfooting around, Janet.

We have to cut quick and deep.

McKinley? McKinley?

- Bert brought them over from Europe. - Oh?

They had a very popular series together. It's still rerun in a lot of countries.

- You must have seen them in Dentonvale? - No, I never watch that.

I'm afraid there's only one solution. Isn't there, folks?

One, two, three.

Dentonvale!

Hoopla! Don't go away!

We'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet want to play or pass.

Great.

Congratulations. I think you've made a wise decision.

- But... But I... - Janet?

- I'm not going. - What do you mean, you're not going?

You'll ruin the show. Bert's made all the arrangements.

But I don't need treatment.

'But you do need glasses, eh, stupid?'

Doesn't he?

I am sick of being humiliated by you! Bert's right. You're going.

'It looks like Brad and Janet Majors have a big decision to make.

'Here's some more prizes to amaze here on Marriage Maze.'

- ♪ Dear blender - You won't blend into the background...

♪ Won't you help a first offender

- ♪ Oh, toaster... - 'Pop up in the popularity ratings...'

♪ Don't you put the burn on me

- 'Just look at this.' - ♪ Refrigerator

♪ Why are we always sooner or later

♪ Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night

'Living on a knife edge?'

- ♪ Dear knife drawer - 'Stay sharp with this keen knife.'

♪ Now won't you help me to face life more

- ♪ Oh, trash can - You can-can with the trash can.

♪ Don't you put the dirt on me

♪ Oh, percolator

- ♪ Why are we always sooner or later - 'No toil, no trouble.'

♪ Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night

♪ Everything used to be okay

♪ But I've been had

♪ And, Brad I'm glad to say

♪ Is on his way

♪ Micro-digital awaker

♪ Why are we always sooner or later

♪ Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night

- ♪ Shower curtain - 'Wash those blues away...'

♪ Won't you help me to be certain

- ♪ Oh, toothpaste - 'Arm yourself to the teeth...'

♪ Don't you put the squeeze on me

♪ Depilatator

♪ Why are we always sooner or later

♪ Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night

'Now it's back to Marriage Maze. And for those of you who are Dentonvale watchers,

'here's our surprise guest.

- 'And here's Bert!' - Hey, folks! It's Ricky from the Rest Home.

- Hey, Bert. - Hey, Ricky.

I've come for Mr. Majors.

Brad will learn how to care in the surgical chair.

- Nothing serious, I hope? - Oh, no. Just a routine checkup.

Just a routine checkup, eh, viewers?

'Come in.'

♪ Tell me, spectator

♪ Why are we always sooner or later

♪ Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night ♪

'Well, Bert's done it again.

'Another rocky marriage is headed for intensive care.'

The subject is committed.

As are we all.

'Dentonvale.

'The arrival. Introducing Brad and Janet Majors.'

Ah, Mr. And Mrs. Majors. How wonderful to see you.

I'm Doctor Cosmo McKinley,

and this is my sister and colleague,

Dr. Nation McKinley.

We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.

Well, yes, we have.

Now listen. There's... there's nothing really wrong with me.

Janet and I haven't been getting along too well lately

and I've had a little... a little trouble...

- Oh, Brad. - Ooh.

- Does he do this often? - No, he's never done this before.

Good. Then there's still hope.

Lots and lots of hope.

If anyone can help Brad, we can.

- Well, he does need help. - Nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.

- Oh, that was real short notice because the other models... - Attend to Mr. Majors, Nurse.

There are just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with, Mrs. Majors.

A contract to be signed.

Oh, could I do that later, please?

Of course you can, Mrs. Majors.

Sign the contract tomorrow.

Ouch! Mrs. Majors. Just one or two details.

Does Brad have any living relatives... any blood relatives?

- No, he doesn't. Could I take care of this later? - Of course.

Why did you tell me not to sign now?

Well, that way you get the first day free.

'Here's Bert, that eternal showbiz wiz,

'with a family connection in the 30-Second Quiz.'

As Janet's parents, this should be really easy.

About Brad's family?

Your last clue is...

mental instability.

You have 30 seconds.

Mental instability?

- He was adopted, you know. - Oh, yeah. I'd forgotten.

Well, I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married.

I said to Janet, "What do we know of his parents?"

- Which leads us to... - 'This afternoon's surprise prize, Bert...

'which is a delirious stay in that evergreen series Happy Homes,

- 'with unlimited use of a new dream kitchen.' - Infantile regression?

- You got it! - I got it!

- She got it! She got it! - I got it!

I got it!

She got it!

Congratulations. Congratulations. And it's Happy Homes...

to Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton.

Aha.

I got it! I got it!

She got it! She got it!

In one. Infantile regression.

Our speciality!

- Your speciality. - I can't wait to begin on him.

Really, Bert, I don't know what we'd do without you.

I must confess...

the decision to have Brad committed was not strictly my own.

No, of course. There's Janet.

But if she was so keen on getting him in here,

why wouldn't she sign the contract?

No, it wasn't Janet exactly.

- It was, in fact, your new sponsor. - Sponsor?

- Dentonvale has been sold. - Sold?

Dear old Bert's settled everything.

Ja, you endorse his Faith Factory...

- and he endorses your research. - He?

How dare this person take advantage of my weakness!

I don't think he intends to go that far.

♪ If only you knew

♪ How to win some prizes

♪ If only you knew

♪ How to play

♪ If you could sleep nights

♪ And stop your crying

♪ Then you might find out I still love you

♪ In my own way

♪ If that's not enough then I'm

♪ So sorry I met you

♪ It was almost like

♪ Leading you on

♪ But there's more to it all

♪ Than just wringing your heart out over something

♪ That keeps on going wrong

♪ So don't tell me you love me

♪ How am I supposed to know what that means

♪ No, don't sell emotion

♪ You can't buy devotion

♪ If you're falling apart at the seams

♪ I hope that you'll smile when you

♪ Reach your conclusion

♪ I hope that you'll know just what to say

♪ But if it should mean

♪ That the party is over

♪ You should know that I still love you

♪ You should know that I still love you

♪ You should know that I still love you

♪ In my own way

♪ In my own way

♪ In my own way

♪ In my own way ♪

- Oh, my poor baby. - Oh, Mom, it's Brad.

I know. I know, baby. He's gonna get all the help he needs.

- But in the meantime, look. For you. - What is it?

They call it a new look at an old favourite.

I copied it from The Window on the World show.

- The Far East meets the Midwest. - Mom...

It's just what the doctor ordered, I know.

- Come on in. My favourite show's just started. - What show?

Dentonvale.

'Love starts in the home,

'and where better to find this than in today's Happy Homes.

'With guest star, Janet Majors.'

'If you're sick of having the goodness boiled away out of your coffee,

'replace that old perk of yours with a coffeemaker of prestigious distinction.

'And be the envy of all with a coffeemaker that says it all.'

'Oh, thanks.'

'When that man of yours comes in from the big outdoors with a burning thirst

'that only Lake Michigan could satisfy,

'make sure there's a cold can of Krautmeister Light in the icebox.

'He'll thank you for it.

'And he'll thank Krautmeister.'

For crying out loud, Emily. Leave her alone. She's not a kid.

- Well, I wanted to see her in it. - It's really very nice.

The material is imported. Taiwanese.

Damn it, Emily. She's not interested.

What are you trying to do, Harry, start an argument?

Don't you want your daughter to look pretty?

Who's she got to look pretty for?

- She's got a husband. - She's got a weirdo!

I've never been able to afford the time to have a nervous breakdown!

- Oh, poor Brad. - Thank God he was born an orphan.

It would have killed his parents.

And thank goodness he hasn't ended up like that Slepstrini boy.

What are you talking about? Danny Slepstrini's a chip off the old block.

I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week,

and Hank says that Danny's moved to New York to... better himself.

He moved, all right...

when they found him at the back of Wilson's Bakery... naked...

with 15 other men.

Mexicans.

I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside!

- You shouldn't have said that. - But why?

Your father doesn't like Mexicans.

'Your father doesn't like Mexicans.'

♪ A man should call the toss

♪ Wear the pants and be the boss

♪ A man should be the drake

♪ For his own damned sake

♪ And men should be the misters

♪ And the masters of their sisters

♪ A man should be the reason

♪ For a heart to break

♪ So be moral Don't quarrel

♪ Fair and square is best

♪ Let me alert you that virtue

♪ Won't hurt you or desert you

♪ If you wear hair on your chest

♪ So always remember to follow the rules

- ♪ Box clever - ♪ Jocks never

♪ Hock another jock's tools

♪ A man should wax a car Fix a fuse and tend a bar

♪ A man should like his brow to be wet with sweat

♪ And should know the right occasions

♪ To indulge in tax evasions

♪ A man should know the settings that his spark plugs get

♪ Faggots are maggots

♪ Thank God I'm a man ♪

What a meal!

Scrumptious, meine Liebling. I insist on the recipe.

Coming from a gourmet, that's praise indeed. But... secrets.

Oh.

With Fast-Food Farley at the helm, it'll probably be TV dinners from now on.

Farley is already a TV winner as we shall see.

Dentonvale will run forever now that his interest

has embraced mental hygiene.

Our field.

I'm convinced there's some kind of conspiracy.

- Conspiracy? - Mm-hmm.

Well, that's a little far-fetched.

Oh, I don't know. Remember Lieutenant Orpheus?

He disappeared into that underworld series and never came back.

Sounds like my husband. He never came back either.

Not after Flavours gave him a commercial break.

Oh, yes, Farley Flavours. You know, I find it remarkable

that his Faith Factory is being financed by an entire nation's indigestion.

Who do you think gave you the next episode?

So that Janet will be free to front line

the new Faith Factory show.

- We're the experts. - Who trusts experts?

Why Janet?

Everyone loves the girl next door.

Particularly Farley.

So it seems.

Come in.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - I just came to give you this.

- Thank you. - Hi!

- Hi. - Hi.

We'd better get going. Tomorrow's the big one, and Farley expects.

Oh, you bet.

- I guess we'd better leave you young things to it. - Good-bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Oh, Ralph. - Yeah?

- Shove it! - Oh, you shove it too, Betty!

Alimony is just another word for rape.

Conspiracy is right.

- The Denton Dossier is... - Closed.

'Dentonvale.

'Special guest star, Janet Majors.'

- Janet! - I've come to see Brad.

That's out of the question. He's sleeping like a baby.

- It's you we're concerned about, Janet. - Yes, Janet, how are you?

- Are you happy? - Oh, I'm happy.

There are countless people in this world, Janet,

who believe that they're happy.

But they only think they're happy.

Oh, well, that doesn't make any sense.

This might, Janet.

And a big Denton welcome to my new delegation.

This is Farley and I'm here with the score.

We're going to package and sell some mental health to the nation,

with my dream of the girl next door.

♪ Oh, why aren't they doing tomorrow's new dance steps

♪ The way they used to yesterday

♪ And who draws a perfect circle anymore

♪ And if you're waiting for greatness to shake hands with you

♪ You'd better daydream your life away

♪ I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure

♪ You're not just looking at a fast-food king

♪ Just another well-known face

♪ You're not looking at the king of anything

♪ I'm gonna shoot for the moon I'm gonna play high noon

♪ I'm gonna take on the entire human race

♪ You're not looking at a king

♪ You're looking at an ace

♪ Ooh, I got sight and I've seen the light

♪ And I'm gonna see the coming day

♪ When the sun in the sky is a spotlight

♪ Just for me

♪ I'm gonna take my time and rock some rhyme

♪ Oh, it's gonna take your breath away

♪ You'll be the front page rage of the age

♪ Just wait and see

♪ You're not just looking at a fast-food king

♪ Just another well-known face

♪ You're not looking at the king of anything

♪ We're gonna shoot for the moon We're gonna play high noon

♪ We're gonna take on the entire human race

- ♪ You're not looking at a king - ♪ No, no, no, no, no

- ♪ You're looking at an ace - ♪ You're looking at an ace

- ♪ You're looking at a goddamned ace - ♪ You're looking at an ace

- ♪ You're looking at an ace - ♪ You're looking at an ace

♪ You're looking at an a-a-a-ace ♪

I just love home movies, don't you?

Time's tight, Janet. Do it right, Janet.

Until tomorrow night...

Janet.

Well, Farley Flavours is fairly flattering.

But I want to see Brad.

The question is, Janet, does Brad want to see you?

- Quite frankly, he hates you. - What do you mean?

Brad is harbouring deep feelings of hostility towards you, Janet.

- Towards me? - It's classical.

Almost a textbook case.

Oh, no!

That's an extremely negative response.

Yes, Janet. Leave the crying to Brad.

Is it because I'm becoming too popular?

On the contrary, Janet, he wants to see your ratings soar.

He needs a woman of exceptional desirability.

So, you see, Janet,

you can help us to help him.

Maybe I can.

'Stand by for Faith Factory rehearsal.'

I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this.

We'll probably be replaced by an hour of fashion tips.

- Now, Betty, don't overreact. - Overreact?

You're the one with theories about conspirac...

- Oliver? - Yes, Betty?

Are you spoken for this evening?

All right, you guys.

An early start tomorrow for Janet's debut on Good Morning Denton.

By the time we unveil Farley's Faith Factory show...

we'll have all earned our beauty sleep.

- Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home? - Home?

Home.

This is the nerve centre of operations, Janet.

You must stay here tonight. That way we can all be together

when Mr. Sun paints us a new day with his golden brush.

And you can "peep in" on Brad in the morning.

Morning?

Are all the beds made up?

Oh, yes! I've plumped up all the pillows, changed...

- Then lock up for the night. - Okay!

Clever of you to find this spot, Betty.

It pays to know your way around, Oliver.

I thought the Home of Happiness would give your theory a new perspective.

A stately pleasure home indeed.

Oh, I adore Coleridge Taylor.

As a matter of fact...

"It is an ancient Mariner...

"and he stoppeth one of three.

"By thy long grey beard and glittering eye...

"now wherefore stop'st thou me?"

Oh.

♪ I feel the heat from your skin

♪ And the stubble on your chin

♪ You're no good

♪ You're no good

♪ You've got dirt on your hands

♪ And everybody understands

♪ You're no good

♪ You're no good

- ♪ Oh, what a joke - ♪ What a joke

♪ You feel like choking

- ♪ You play for broke - ♪ You play for broke

♪ He leaves you smoking

♪ Oh, romance is not a children's game

♪ But you keep going back

♪ It's driving you insane

♪ Drift into the treacle deep

♪ Slip into its silent depths Go to sleep

♪ With your everything akimbo

♪ Float into the sandman's limbo

- ♪ Night, night - ♪ Night, night

♪ It's time for bye-byes

♪ It's been a great day Thanks a heap

♪ Now it's time

♪ For everyone

♪ To go to sleep

♪ Night, night

♪ It's time for bye-byes

♪ It's been a great day Thanks a heap

♪ Now it's time

♪ For everyone

♪ To go to sleep ♪

"He went like one that hath been stunned,

"and is of sense forlorn.

"A sadder and a wiser man,

he rose the morrow morn."

Does this bird belong to you?

Janet?

Are you decent, Janet?

Hoopla, Bert!

Nice to see you up and about.

- Mac's waiting in the wardrobe, Janet. - Uh-huh.

Care to join me in an on-set snack?

Good morning.

I wanna see Brad.

Look at yourself. You're beautiful.

The most desirable creature that ever walked.

Oh, if only Brad could have found it within himself to say those things to me.

He will, but it's up to you to reawaken his feelings.

Farley's given you that chance.

You can use the Breakfast Show...

to knock Denton dead.

Do you really think so?

Everybody needs you.

- Hmm. But what'll I do? What'll I say? - Hmm?

- What'll I wear? - Ah.

♪ Ever since I was a little boy

♪ Dressing up has always been my greatest joy

♪ But when it's time to be discreet

♪ There's one thing you just can't beat

♪ And that's a strapless backless, classical little black dress

♪ Well, first you go rip, rip, rip

♪ Then you go snip, snip, snip

♪ Then you whip in a zip, zip, zip

♪ And split it up to the hip, hip, hip

♪ And as you strip, strip, strip

♪ You shiver and quiver

♪ For that soft caress

♪ As you slip, slip, slip into that little black dress

♪ Ever since I was the ein kleiner herren

♪ It was the Cordon Bleu for which I am most carin'

♪ And the one taste treat so sweet

♪ That really can't be beat

♪ Is what we have, ja, how you are, caviar That little black mess

- Et voilà! - But how?

♪ Well, first you go rip, rip, rip

♪ Then you go snip, snip, snip

♪ Then you whip in a zip, zip, zip

♪ And split it up to the hip, hip, hip

♪ And as you strip, strip, strip

♪ Oh, you quiver and shiver

♪ For that soft caress

♪ As you slip, slip, slip into that little black dress

- ♪ That minimal - ♪ Minimal

- ♪ Criminal - ♪ Criminal

♪ Cynical little black dress

♪ Let's face it, Mac That basic black is coming back

♪ Let's face it, Mac That basic black is coming back

♪ Let's face it, Mac That basic black is coming back

- ♪ That minimal - ♪ Minimal

- ♪ Criminal - ♪ Criminal

- ♪ Cynical - ♪ Little black dress ♪

Good morning, Denton. Rise and shine.

She'll be here any second now. So let's give her a great big hand.

Come on now.

Oh, Janet, I can't tell you how excited I am... for you.

We've got the band and dancers and dry ice standing by.

Betty Hapschatt is indisposed, so Macy will have to do the introductions.

I don't need introductions.

The fabulous, the golden...

the very wonderful...

- I knew it! - ♪ Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet

- I knew it! - ♪ Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet

♪ There's just the two of me

♪ Alone at last together

♪ We've got the luck so far

♪ We are my lucky star

Star, star, star, star, star, star, star, star.

♪ Deep in the heart of me

♪ I love every part of me

♪ All I can see in me

♪ Is the danger and ecstasy

♪ Yeah, one thing there couldn't be

♪ Is any more me in me

♪ This is the me of me

♪ Me, me, me

♪ Me, me

♪ Me, me, me

♪ Me, me, me

♪ I am my destiny

♪ I'd never lie to me

♪ I'd be willing to die pour moi

♪ I'll pray every day to me

♪ And here's what I'd say to me

♪ This is the me of me

♪ Me, me, me

♪ Me, me

♪ Me, me, me

♪ Me, me, me

- ♪ Me, me, me - Aah!

♪ Ooh, me, me

- ♪ Me, me, me - Yeah!

♪ Whoa, me, me

♪ Look at me

♪ Moi, moi ♪

Ah!

Janet! Janet!

Janet!

And you can see and hear Janet tonight

on Faith Factory, brought to you by Farley Flavours.

All right, Janet.

- You were far out. - Terrific.

Out of self came selflessness!

You revealed yourself, the real you, the secret you.

- And you liked what you saw, didn't you, Janet? - Well, I must say...

- How's Brad? - Well, if he caught my act, he'll be lookin' good.

It seems I'm his medicine, so we're off to give him another spoonful.

Check you later, Betty. I gotta freshen up.

Hey, how about that? Janet was a knockout!

- Thank you. - Yeah, she was terrific.

- Sexy! - What?

At the same time fresh, untouched, you know.

- Hey, how's Brad? - He's fine.

Lucky dog, with a pretty girl like that for a wife.

Yeah, he sure is. No sugar. Thanks, Kirk.

Well, I'll sugar his daughter's...

Coffee, Kirk. I'm dying for it.

R.I.P., Betty. You're off the air.

What's happening here? Janet's on the Breakfast Show...

Brad's committed to a nowhere series, and we've been...

Written out?

'Dentonvale.

'The Mission of Mercy.

'Starring the increasingly popular Janet Majors.'

Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Brad. I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

Janet, where's that lovely dress I made you?

Oh, Mac just whipped up this little crowd-pleaser.

Well, you're practically naked!

I can't wear anything under it, Daddy. It would spoil the line.

My God, Janet. How can you say such things? Look at Brad. Look what they've done to him.

- Ah. Janet's parents? - Are you the doctor?

- Yes. - There's gonna have to be an investigation.

- There are regulations about this sort of thing. - It's for his own good.

- Hoopla, Janet! - Bert! Sweetheart! Oh, it's fabulous!

- What's going on here? - You're wearing your black.

- Yes, of course. - I adore that colour.

Patient was in great danger of doing himself a mischief.

We only want what's best for him. As parents, you must understand.

No. No, I don't!

Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey. There are drugs to keep him quiet.

- We used them. All of them. - And none of them worked?

- No. - Then double the strength.

- We did. - We know our job.

We also know how you feel. We're not strangers to confusion.

- 'We're not confused.' - 'Well, I am, goddamn it!'

You trust Brad with this crowd-pleaser?

Ooh.

♪ I'm not a locum with motive to suture myself

♪ I've been a cynic for too many years

♪ Playing doctor and nurse It can be good for your health

♪ I've seen clinics with those gimmicks in Tangiers

♪ But if you open your heart to a smooth operator

♪ He'll take you for all that you've got

♪ He'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later

♪ It'll shake you the way he takes off

♪ Like a shot

- ♪ You need a bit of - ♪ Ooh, shock treatment

♪ Gets you jumping like a real live wire

- ♪ You need a bit of - ♪ Ooh, shock treatment

♪ So look out, mister Don't you blow your last resistor

♪ For a vista that'll mystify ya

♪ You're blinded by romance You're blinded by science

♪ Your condition is critically grave

♪ But don't expect mercy from such an alliance

♪ Suspicion of tradition's so new wave

- ♪ You need a bit of - ♪ Ooh, shock treatment

♪ Gets you jumping like a real live wire

- ♪ You need a bit of - ♪ Ooh, shock treatment

♪ So look out, mister Don't you blow your last resistor

♪ For a sister that'll certify ya

- ♪ You need a bit of - ♪ Ooh, shock treatment

♪ Gets you jumping like a real live wire

- ♪ You need a bit of - ♪ Ooh, shock treatment

♪ So look out, mister Don't you blow your last resistor

♪ For a sister that'll certify ya ♪

Aha!

Look at that! Bert Schnick's dancing!

- Bert can see! - Macabre, isn't it?

The blind leading the blind.

- Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal. - Thank you.

- We're all really excited about tonight. - Oh.

- Oh, do I get one of those? - Oh, yes, yes, of course you do.

Janet? Janet? Janet?

Janet! Janet! We want Janet!

Oh, really?

Macy, why don't you take Janet and help her freshen up before the rehearsal?

Surely.

Ralph. You promised me an introduction.

Later, Francine.

Frankie!

Bert, could you spare a moment?

Of course.

Janet! Janet! We want Janet!

- Janet! Janet! We want Janet! - Janet, a quick word.

Could you tell our viewers what exactly you will be representing tonight?

- Sanity for today. - Wow!

And that's the word from Janet Majors,

DTV's newest star.

Okay, guys, let's move on.

- How's Brad? - He's a wreck.

- Check. The quacks are willing tools? - Ah, the quacks are fools.

You know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favours.

It's time to check with Flavours.

Shoot.

Is there anything else you'd like, Janet?

Yeah, a new carpet. I hate the colour. Don't you?

It's only one night, Janet.

- Don't forget who we're doing this for. - Who?

Brad.

You know, I'm getting awfully sick of hearing about that emotional cripple.

I've got a lot going for me, you know. I'm going places. I'm gonna be someone.

I'm gonna win my way into the lives and hearts of the people

even if I have to kill to do it.

I'll make the pathetic little crumbs love me.

I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you.

I should be with my people.

'Janet! Janet! We want Janet!'

Janet! Janet! We want Janet!

Janet! Janet! We want Janet!

Janet! Janet! We want Janet!

Janet! Janet! We want Janet!

Hey, Janet!

- Girl, you're great! - Oh, thanks.

- Hi. My name's Frankie. - Francine!

And I think you're beautiful.

Hi, I'm Brenda. This is my brother Oscar, and this is our friend, Glish Davison.

Janet, we really enjoyed doing the Breakfast Show with you.

This is Janet. She's a phenomenon.

♪ So if you're looking for a standard to which you can aspire

♪ Then, baby

♪ Look at me Whoa-oh

- ♪ Look at me ♪ - All right!

I think you need a little rest.

You've got a big night ahead of you.

Your clothes are real neat.

'Reminder. Wardrobe check...'

'We want Janet! Janet! Janet! We want Janet!'

Aren't they great?

But getting back to Faith Factory,

all in all, it looks like an exciting new series for us.

Yes, and an attractive financial prospect for Denton.

- And fashion-wise? - What did I tell you?

Well, I can just say that Faith Factory will be introducing a new look

that will show off one or two old faces in an exciting new light.

- Really? Sounds interesting. - Did you hear that, Oliver?

Yes, Betty. But the false promise of a new dawn

usually leads to a most bloody sunset.

No, I don't know what Janet's next move will be, but you can be sure of one thing.

- It all starts right here. - Thank you.

And that's the word from Ralph Hapschatt...

and Macy Struthers.

'Janet! Janet! We want Janet!

'Janet! Janet! We want Janet!'

- Oh, Oliver! - Hmm?

What are we going to do?

Care to indulge?

- Indulge? - Mm-hmm.

- In a little, um, masquerade? - 'Final reminder.'

- Oh. - 'Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.

'Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.'

'Dentonvale.

'Parental predicament.'

Oh, Harry, what are we gonna do?

I don't know, Emily. I'm worried.

Maybe I could wear those black leather brogues.

Too flashy. They'll clash with the new outfits.

It's all right, Brad, dear.

Have another sedative.

We'll miss you on the show tonight.

Don't worry, Brad. I'll be back.

- What about those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii? - Mmm.

I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

Face it, Janet. Brad's an emotional cripple.

- Quite frankly... - He hates you.

'Time's tight, Janet.

'Do it right, Janet.

'Until tonight...

'Janet.'

I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

♪ Out on a cul-de-sac

♪ And I gotta go back

♪ So come on, feet

♪ We gotta hit the street

♪ We've got it made

♪ I'm looking for trade

♪ I'm lookin' for love

♪ I'm lookin' for trade

♪ I need some young blood I need some young blood

♪ I need it now

♪ I need some young blood I need some young blood

♪ And we're gonna get it somehow

♪ I'm on a dead-end street

♪ I'm like a dog in the heat

♪ I'm like a kid with no toys

♪ I wanna get those boys

♪ Oh, I can't be delayed

♪ I'm looking for trade

♪ I'm lookin' for love

♪ I'm looking for trade

♪ Oh, we're all livin' like there's no tomorrow

♪ And the way things are going that's probably true

♪ But without you and me, Sis the world would fall to pieces

♪ Vena cava Who's the raver

♪ Our raving saviour that's you

♪ I'm on the primrose path

♪ I'm looking for a laugh

♪ Remember, it's no fun

♪ To be the chosen one

♪ There are games to be played

♪ Looking for trade

♪ I'm looking for love

♪ I'm looking for trade

♪ I need some young blood I need some young blood

♪ And I need it now

♪ Oh

♪ I need some young blood I need some young blood

♪ And I'm gonna get it somehow

♪ I'm looking for trade ♪

'Janet, Janet! We want Janet!

- 'Janet, Janet! We want Janet!' - Janet? Janet?

Wake up, Janet.

You've got guests. You can come in now.

- Hi, Janet. - How are you feeling?

Who are you?

- The band. - Do you have any friends?

Sure.

You won't have soon.

What are you called, your band?

Oscar Drill and the Bits.

Betty, it's imperative we get Janet out of Farley's fast fingers

and Brad out of that hellhole before they both disappear forever.

I don't mind telling you, Oliver...

I'm not looking forward to this.

If only I could place that name.

- McKinley. - There was a president.

President?

Past presidents.

Betty, this is beginning to add up.

Really?

What'll I pin this on?

Faith, Betty.

But make sure it's your own.

In a hurry, Mr. Flavours?

There's a little lady he doesn't wanna keep waiting.

- And a date. - Who with, Mr. Flavours?

The past.

♪ Like a virgin with an urgin' in a surgery

♪ I'll be swingin' I'll be bringing out the nurse in me

♪ The art will start when I play my part

♪ As a healer who will steal your heart

♪ Oh, look what I did to my id

♪ Oh, look what I did to my id

♪ With neurosis in profusion

♪ And psychosis in your soul

♪ Eliminate confusion

♪ And hide inside a brand-new role

♪ Like a good-time girl I'm gonna try some new tricks

♪ This could be the start of a whole new career

♪ Got a deep plum lipstick and some therapeutics

♪ This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here

♪ Got the hot flush symptoms and I'm feelin' sneaky

♪ Young male intern tall and handsome

♪ Got my hem so high they'll say I'm being cheeky

♪ With legs like mine I'm really made for dancin'

♪ Whoa-oh-oh

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ When heaven's in the music

♪ Hell is in control

♪ The angels got the voices

♪ But the devil's got the rock and roll

♪ We may look like we're phony medics

♪ But we took our look from a book by Fredericks

♪ Oh, look what I did to my id, kid

♪ Look what I did to my id ♪

- Oh, Brad. - He's an emotional cripple, remember?

- Oh, Brad. - He's an emotional cripple, remember?

Even he wouldn't like to see you like this.

Ralph, I need a final statement from her, and if I don't get it, there's gonna be trouble.

- Later, Neely, okay? - Ralph!

How is she?

Well, come on. Farley's expecting her any minute.

You guys get your asses in front of those cameras,

and try and earn yourselves a reputation, okay?

Well, move!

We just wanna ask a few questions.

These are for you, Janet.

They'll make you feel a whole lot better.

Yeah.

Amateurs.

- 'Give us a "J"!' - 'J!'

- 'A!' - 'A!'

- 'N!' - 'N!'

- E! - E!

- Give us a "T"!' - 'T!'

We can't hear you!

- Give us a "J"! - J!

Oh, my God. Character actors.

'Ladies and gentlemen...

'the studio band will soon be here to entertain you

'in anticipation of tonight's premiere taping

of Farley Flavours' Faith Factory.'

And so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion,

you'll find plenty to keep you going here tonight.

And, naturally, feeling the excitement,

and not wishing to stick out like a sore thumb,

I had to get a little outfit of my own together.

And this...

is it.

'Ladies and gentlemen...'

to help get you in the mood for Faith Factory...

DTV proudly presents Denton's own...

with a suburban garage sound.

Let's hear it for Oscar Drill and the Bits!

Oh, Oliver.

This is one time charity didn't begin at home.

'One, two, three, four!'

♪ I know how it feels to be coolin' my heels

♪ I've been down on them long enough

♪ But if I take to them now

♪ Then maybe somehow

♪ You'll see through the bluff

♪ Of my playin' it tough

♪ I've been a lifetime on deposit

♪ And that's a long time in the closet

- ♪ And if you say to me - ♪ How was it

♪ It was hard takin' that heartbreakin'

♪ Godforsaken route But I'm... ♪

- ♪ Buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-duh - ♪ Breakin' out

Whoo!

♪ You may say that you choose

♪ To be in my shoes

♪ But look what it did for me

♪ I got buried alive

♪ I don't thrive on that jive

♪ Look and you'll see

♪ That my spikes don't fit me

♪ I've been a lifetime on deposit

♪ And that's a long time in the closet

- ♪ And if you say to me - ♪ How was it

♪ It was hard takin' that heartbreakin'♪

♪ Godforsaken route

- ♪ But I'm-♪ - ♪ Buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-duh

- ♪ Breakin' out - Where are we goin'?

To a family reunion.

♪ Breakin' out

- Breakin' out! - ♪ Breakin' out

♪ Breakin' out ♪

And she represents everything our customers want.

Innocence...

decency...

and the illusion of a happy ending.

Oh, jolly good, Mr. Flavours.

And behind her image, take-away therapy will thrive

under the capable hands of two great ethical intellects

operating on the frontiers of medical science.

- Huh? Huh? - Mac and Nation.

Mac and Nation. Yes. Great work.

And under the firm guidance

of a great survivor

in the treacherous sea of diplomacy,

our own Bert Schnick.

Huh?

- Now let's get this show on the road! - Hey!

Mr. Flavours, may I have a moment of your time?

Sure thing.

We've heard rumours that you're going to unveil more than just a new series tonight.

- Is this true? - Absolutely correct.

Could you tell us a little more about it?

Well, let just say...

we're planning on putting sanity back on the national menu.

And how does local girl Janet Majors

fit into the scheme of things?

Very...

nicely.

Brad?

And he's resented you all these years.

- And Janet? - She represents everything he was denied.

Oh.

'By satellite, Farley Flavours' Faith Factory.'

Ladies and gentlemen...

Denton's own, America's pride...

the world's example...

Janet, the sensation of the planet.

We bring you Miss Mental Health.

Isn't she lovely?

Mommy and Daddy love you, baby!

- She walks in beauty. - That's my little girl!

'Attagirl, Janet!'

'We love you, baby!'

'We all love Janet.'

- Who do we love? - 'Janet!'

Janet!

The dress Janet's wearing has been given by Crème de la Crème Modes of downtown Denton,

and we've been asked that you take note of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring.

This is just one of the many gifts so freely and generously given to Janet.

The first of, we hope, many. Miss Mental Health.

Ladies and gentlemen, the president.

The president's here!

Zoom in there.

Hi, I'm Irwin Lapsey, president of Lapsey Autos.

And I'm holding in my hand here some keys.

Keys which I would like to give to the little lady who's being so honoured here tonight.

And I want to tell you. If she takes these keys

she will find that they fit something.

And what that something is, is an almost brand-new

ultra-deluxe, eight-cylinder convertible,

complete with radio, tape deck, washable seat covers and many, many extras.

And it's all hers for absolutely free.

Well...

Janet's absolutely speechless, ladies and gentlemen.

But here's someone we do want to hear from.

A firm favourite of yours and mine.

You've revelled in his recipes.

You've marvelled at his marriage guidance.

The all-knowing, and now, all-seeing...

That's right!

Bert Schnick!

There. Down there. Come on, Betty.

Bert, you're beautiful!

- Hoopla, Denton! - Hoopla, Bert!

- Thank you. Welcome. - What's cooking, Bert?

I'll tell you what's cooking, buddy, and I'll tell you too, you guys.

She made the blind see, and it was a gift.

Who was the gift from?

- Let's hear an "F" for... - Farley!

- And another "F" for... - Flavours!

My friends!

And you are all my friends.

My friends, tonight we are taking the first step of defiance

and starting something that will grow so big

that the whole world will reverberate with its sound.

And wherever our slogan

"sanity and vanity"

is uttered,

it will be linked incontrovertibly with this night,

this station,

and this... beautiful face.

Huh? Come on! This way!

It's a crazy man!

- Seducer! - And who are you, sir?

- Your twin brother and your accuser! - Brad.

Arrest that man! He's committed to our care.

I never signed your contract.

He's not going anywhere.

To revenge your twin, you tried to abuse her.

A ridiculous accusation!

You force me to refuse her.

- Then why did you choose her? - Because of you, sir.

♪ You're a loser

♪ An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man

♪ And you're a blind-alley cruiser

♪ Always headin' down a losin' straight

♪ Dreamin' that you're screamin' at fate

♪ You're a dead-end deadbeat nowhere mister

♪ With a kisser like a Mississippi alligator sister

♪ I've took as much of you as any man can

- ♪ You've lost your heart - ♪ You've lost your cause

♪ You lost your baby when you lost your balls

♪ You've lost your mind You've lost your grip

♪ So say bye-bye

♪ We lost our mom We lost our dad

♪ And if I'm losin' you Well, that's too bad

♪ Well, the best thing you could ever do

♪ Is die

♪ You're a failure

♪ A malformation in the guise of many

♪ An also-ran

♪ And you're a weeper and a wailer

♪ Always treadin' on the toes of the great

♪ Generally spreading your weight

♪ You're a spiteful, hateful asinine creature

♪ A pupil with no scruples who knew better than the teacher

♪ I've took as much of you as any man can

- ♪ You've lost your heart - ♪ You've lost your cause

♪ You lost your baby when you lost your balls

♪ You lost your mind when you lost your grip

♪ So say bye-bye

♪ We lost our home Our family

♪ You've lost compassion Now you're losin' me

♪ Well, the best thing you could ever do

♪ Is die

♪ Well, the best thing you could ever do is die

♪ Well, the best thing you could ever do is die ♪

Take no notice of him. He's mad.

I'm as sane as you are.

- Saner! - And he was only with us for one day.

They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.

What?

Just memories.

We'll edit the tapes. It'll never see airplay.

Um, I hope Mr. Flavours will accept apologies

on behalf of all of Denton for this unfortunate incident.

It seems everyone wants to be related to the great.

Damn right!

No offence. No offence.

On the contrary, this is a perfect example of what we're here to combat.

Out! Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out!

Do you see? You see, the way we got rid of that dirty little dish

is the way we're going to put the rest of our house in order,

including the upstairs!

Ah, yes, yes. Miss. You, yes.

Would you come up and help us to inaugurate...

Farley Flavours' Faith Factory, transmitting from coast to coast and continent to continent?

- You are Miss... Miss... - Macy. Macy Struthers.

Macy Struthers!

Who loves you, baby?

She let me down.

She let us all down!

Shut up, Emily, and listen to a success story.

This could be worse than the old series.

In the old series, we never had a convertible.

And remember, sanity today

is a springboard to the hygienic tomorrow.

Now will you follow me

down the DTV trail to Dentonvale?

Thanks, honey. They bought it. Now out of the way. That's right!

I can't stand it.

Everything good always happens to other people.

And fast-food giant, Farley Flavours has just given Miss Mental Health

what can only be described as an official kiss of approval.

And the crowd are loving it

as they follow her down the Dentonvale trail.

Hey, look! They're havin' a party.

Come on, you guys. We're gonna miss out on the action.

'Hurry! Get in there!'

♪ Some people do it for compassion

♪ Some people do it for the fashion

♪ Some people do it to be funny

♪ Some people do it for the money

♪ Some people do it for enslavement

- ♪ Some people do it on the pavement - ♪ But

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it no matter how the wind is blowing

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it We just gotta keep going

♪ Some people do it for each other

♪ Some people do it for their lover

♪ Some people do it for improvement

♪ Some people do it for the movement

♪ Some people do it for enjoyment

♪ Some people do it for employment

♪ But

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it no matter how the wind is blowing

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it We just gotta keep going

♪ Denton, Denton You've got

♪ No pretension

♪ You're where the heart is You're okay

♪ Denton, Denton You've got

♪ No pretension

♪ You're the acceptable face

♪ Of the human race

♪ You're Denton Denton, U.S.A.

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it no matter how the wind is blowing

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

♪ We're gonna do it We just gotta keep going

♪ We just gotta keep going

♪ We just gotta keep going

'The sun never sets on those who ride into it.

♪ We just gotta keep going ♪

♪ I'm not a locum with motive to suture myself

♪ I've been a cynic for too many years

♪ Playin' doctor and nurse It can be good for your health

♪ I've seen clinics with those gimmicks in Tangiers

♪ But if you open your heart to a smooth operator

♪ He'll take you for all that you've got

♪ He'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later

♪ It'll shake you the way he takes off like a shot

♪ You need a bit of ooh, shock treatment

♪ Get you jumpin' like a real live wire

♪ You need a bit of ooh, shock treatment

♪ So look out, mister Don't you blow your last resistor

♪ For a vista that'll mystify ya

♪ You're blinded by romance You're blinded by science

♪ Your condition is critically grave

♪ But don't expect mercy from such an alliance

♪ Suspicion of tradition's so new wave

♪ You need a bit of ooh, shock treatment

♪ Gets you jumping like a real live wire

♪ You need a bit of ooh, shock treatment

♪ So look out, mister Don't you blow your last resistor

♪ For a sister that'll certify you ♪