All language subtitles for Schitts Creek - 06x05 - The Premiere.COOKIEMONSTER.English.C

As your publicist,

it is my job to optimize
a branded approach

to real-time engagement
with your fan-base

through contextual marketing.

I hope I'm not paying you by the word.

Which is why I came
up with the ideation

for the following idea.

"Crows."

"Movie."

- "Premiere?!"
- They're doing a premiere?

I thought it was streaming on Interflix?

Where are they
thinking? LA? New York?

London might be central
for the Bosnian team.

No, they're not doing a premiere.

Alexis, your flip-chart says "premiere."

Okay, will you let me
finish what I'm trying say?

What're you trying to say?

I'm sorry, why are you even
involved in this conversation?

- What is it, Alexis?!
- Oh my God, okay!

So I thought because they're
not throwing a premiere,

we could plan a premiere
screening here in town.

Could be like a cute press angle.

Oh, sure, for a
scrappy little novice,

but not for someone who's
cut many a crimson rug.

What's next, I sign
my name in the pavement

outside Bob's Garage?

Jocelyn gives you an
honorary degree at her school?

- Host the Met Ga-la at David's store?
- I don't like that one.

No, I have like big plans
for an immersive experience.

Ronnie said that she
can find a red carpet,

and Roland has a guy
who rents out live crows.

I think we should take
the lead from Interflix.

I cannot stop the masses from
gathering to view the film,

but best... best to avoid
any fulsome in-decorum

until we're assured a positive reaction.

Remember that
"Waterworld II" premiere?

Exactly, David. Oh, the
last place anyone wanted to be

when those reviews came in

was a glass-bottomed pirate ship

- in the middle of the ocean.
- Mm.

- Good luck though.
- Lick rust! Thank you!

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --

Can't thank you enough
for driving today, Stevie.

I don't know what is
going on with my car.

I do. It's a death trap
that needs to be set on fire

and pushed off a cliff.

Well, I'd love to say I
had a choice in the matter,

but according to David,

driving his fiancé to go
get his wisdom teeth out

is totally within my maid-of
honor responsibilities.

Okay, tell me how
I'm being unreasonable?

Also, if this is what it takes

to get you out of that
dank little apartment...

Excuse me, I have a business
meeting this afternoon.

Just gonna leave it at that?

Mr. Rose asked if he
could come over to my place.

I think he's gonna push
for me to come back,

and I don't know if I can say no.

And that's a bad thing?

I'm supposed to be
looking for other jobs.

Okay. Honestly, Stevie,

what other job is better
than owning your own business?

I guess I just feel like after
making such a big deal out of...

wanting to see what else is out there,

isn't it kind of... pathetic

to like... crawl back?

Don't answer that.

I already turned down
another job interview today.

Maybe you just needed
to see what you didn't want

in order to figure out what you do?

Look at me. Two years ago,

I thought I'd have a wife
and kid at this point.

Yeah, well, one out of two isn't bad.

I've been told I'm...
very young at heart.

Can you drive better, please?

- Hi.
- Uh-oh!

Hello, Access Hollywood?

Have I got a star sighting for you!

Very pawky, Jocelyn.

I just heard the big news.

A movie premiere in our own backyard!

I might have to buy a dress!

Uh... save yourselves
the trip to Frocks4Less.

From what I've heard,

it's more of a minor
league viewing party.

Well, I'm still excited.

It reminds me of that time
that Renée Zellweger's brother

came in here, and I
got him to sign a menu.

I mean, he spelled his name differently,

but I swear it was him.

Well, I don't know,
Moira, I'm no movie expert,

but according to the early reviews,

you may have a hit on your hands.

- Reviews?
- Yeah.

There was an article
posted on the Crows account

that you made us all follow.
Come look!

Ornithology Today! Well,
if anyone knows crows...

"The Crows Have Eyes III is 'good fun.'"

Well, that's hyperbolic. I
mean, they already had "fun"

and now they've added "good."

Keep reading!

"The film showcases
the emotional depth

and intellectual capacity

of our oft-maligned friend, the crow."

We were resolute about
not making an issues movie,

but I'm glad they picked up on that.

It mentions you, Moira.

It does? Where?

My eyes are blurred.

Oh, here it is.

"Moira Rose, as Dr. Clara Mandrake,

is delightfully unhinged."

Do you know what they call this, gals?

An understated rave.

Oh, it's too bad you
won't be there tonight.

It would've been nice to cheer you on.

- Yeah, and my plus-one,

Janet from the Elmdale Chronicle,

would've really loved a quote.

Well, you might want
to tell your friend Janet

that there just may be a
bombshell attendee after all.

Yay! A premiere!

Oh, I don't know if I have
anything fancy enough to wear.

Oh, my default is always formal,

but I'm sure no one will bat
a side-eye at black-tie casual.

Oh, but do pack eye-drops!

The film's first third is
densely packed with exposition,

and you won't want to blink.

Are you sure it's
okay that we haven't seen

the first two movies?

Oh, it's actually best.

A lot of this film blatantly contradicts

what's been established
in the first two.

Sorry, Twyla. I'm not going to eat now!

- Okay, here we go.
- That was a fun car ride.

Yes, it was very fun.

Thank you so much for all the hot tips

you were giving our Uber driver.

For a second, I was
concerned about my rating,

but I think he seemed to
enjoy all the wrong directions

you were yelling at him.

David, I'm hungry.

♪ I'm a hungry, hungry hippo

'Kay, we're not supposed
to feed you right now.

Can you make me a lasagna, David?

Imagine? No.

I think we rest this little voice,

'cause you have been chatting ever since

- the dentist's office.
- Why are you so handsome?

I mean, unless you
wanna keep talking.

In which case, that works as well.

How come your skin
is like... perfect.

It's a nine-step regimen I do twice a day.

- It's not a big deal.
- I'm tired.

Oh, okay. Well, you know what,

we should probably get
you over to the bed.

Okay.

You know what I really
wanna do with you?

Uh-huh. Ethically speaking,

I don't think we can do
that with you in this state.

Have a baby.

'Kay, we will make a baby

as soon as you sober up.

Oh no, not make a baby. Have a baby.

Like I wanna have like
a little baby with you.

And we could just love it
and hold it and bounce it.

Yeah, that's a...
that's a big one-eighty.

- You would be such a good dad.
- Have we met?

I wish you were my dad.

Okay, now we're just spiraling off

- in all directions.
- Shh! Listen, okay?

Come here, come here. I got a secret.

- I don't...
- Come on.

Mm...

David?

I'm very hungry.

Okay, there's nothing
I can do about that.

- Wait. Just lie down with me.
- Okay.

- I wanna, I wanna hold you.
- Mm-hmm.

Imagine us right now,

but just with a little baby.

- Hey, Stevie!
- Hey...

Hey.

Oh! What's this? Thank you.

You didn't have to bring anything.

Oh, just a little
housewarming platter,

since it's my first time here.

Twyla whipped up some sandwiches.

- Hope you like mayo.
- Thank you.

Wow, so this is, this is your place.

I'm glad you didn't feel
you needed to clean up

on my account, you know?

It shows just how comfortable
a friendship we actually have.

- I did clean up.
- Right.

That's... what I meant.

You didn't feel the need to clean up,

but I appreciate the fact
that, uh, that you did.

How are things at the motel?

Good. We bought the second motel!

First phase of many in the
Rosebud Motel expansion.

Big things on the horizon, Stevie,

which is, uh, why I wanted
to sit down with you today.

But not on your bed.

Oh, here.

Right.

So... Stevie,

it goes without saying that...

you've been an invaluable
part of the team.

You don't need to sell
me on the team, Mr. Rose.

And when I was your age,
I had a million and one ideas

and things I wanted to explore,

and I know it takes time
to find the right fit.

Which is why I have a proposal.

Oh! Okay.

I wanna buy you out.

Oh!

Now I know the motel has
been a weight on your shoulders,

and I can offer you installment payments

to give up your status as owner.

And that would give you
some financial stability

while you take the time
and figure things out.

I thought you were gonna try
to talk me into coming back.

Oh, no, no. That wouldn't be fair.

Wouldn't be fair to you. I'm
not gonna stand in the way

of you finding what makes you happy.

And, and speaking of, I
wanted to give you this.

Oh, wow...

I don't know what to say.

Well, once you get past the haircut

and the... dated references,

I'm sure you might find
something useful in there

to help you get your footing.

You don't have to
downplay your excitement

on my account, Stevie.

I'll be just fine.

Okay, so I may have a problem.

Oh, it's barely noticeable, dear.

We'll find you an electrologist.

No, I'm talking
about the viewing party.

I just got a call from
the Elmdale Chronicle.

Ah yes, Jocelyn's guest.

We'll need to set aside an extra seat.

Okay, it's just that I
know that you don't wanna make

a big deal about of this,
so I can just tell them not to come.

I may have been wrong and
you may have been not wrong.

We can position this
as a terrifying tale

premiering in an equally
spine-chilling town.

If the ornithologist review
is any barometer, Alexis,

we m-m-m-m-m may just
have a hit on our hands.

Um, last week, you told me explicitly

that this was not a premiere,
and now it's too late.

Alexis, if you want to cut your teeth

as a high-profile publicist,

you'll need to get used
to throwing things together

- in a crunch.
- I have four hours!

That's eons!

When Demi decided on
a Friday night at 6 pm

that she wanted to
celebrate her 40th in Aspen,

her publicist had us in parkas by 7.

Sadly, Megan went into
cardiac arrest on the flight,

but she perished doing what she loved.

Um, is that your
gown? What is that for?

Oh, I thought I might
throw it on for tonight.

So you're going to the screening?

Yes. A simple "Thank you, Mother"

might be a nice place to start.

Also, I thought you returned that?

I did! Or I know I returned a dress.

A glittering, backless thing.
Stella McCartney, I think.

That was mine. I've
been looking for that.

- Blame UPS.
- Ugh!

Hey, Alexis, this better be good.

I was in the middle of a pre-show bath,

and with the baby around,

I only get that kind
of me-time maybe...

- five to six nights a week, so...
- Mm-hmm.

I assume this has something to do

with all the calls we're
getting from TV stations,

asking where they can park their vans?

Um, yeah. So the
premiere may be getting

like a little bit bigger
than I had planned.

Oh, snap! It's a premiere now?

'Cause first you said it was,

and then you said it
was just a viewing party.

Yeah, and, and if it's a
premiere, we're all in trouble,

because my skinny jeans are in the wash.

No, it is a premiere.

Unfortunately, that decision
was made like half an hour ago,

so it would be really helpful

if I could just tell you what I need.

Oh no, the red carpet that
you told me not to order?

Yes, but at this point,

I will settle for any shade of red,

and it doesn't have to be sixty feet.

Okay, good, 'cause all I've got

is a 20-foot Merlot in my garage.

I ripped out after the
church basement flooded.

That sounds amazing.

And obviously you're coming
to me for a little star power.

I get it. It'd be good to
have a name there tonight.

- No. No. You're the crow hook-up.

I wanted to create like
a headline-grabbing moment

where I release a bunch of crows

just before the movie starts.

Uh, excuse me, it's
a little late notice.

What about the liquor license?

'Cause I assuming people
are gonna wanna be drinking

through this thing.

Okay, we have a
situation on our hands

that needs to be solved now.

We have a 12-time Daytime
Emmy Award-attending actress

coming to walk a Merlot carpet in hours,

and press coming from all over,

bringing attention to your town.

So either you can help me out

or I pull the plug now and nobody wins.

Fine. But you owe me a
prime spot on that carpet.

Wait, you wanna walk the carpet?

Honey, it's a movie
premiere, is it not?

- Ugh.
- And I assume the mayor

is walking the carpet as well, yes?

Yes... if he has to.

Okay, I will schedule your
arrival time when I get home.

I would like to request
a time before Roland.

- And I'd like to go first.
- Mm-'Kay.

All right, I better get back

and put my skinny jeans into the dryer.

I think they're really gonna
pop on your 20-foot Merlot.

I think so too!

They're gonna pop on that carpet.

Okay. Mm!

Okay.

Okay.

Stevie! Perfect timing.

I was having a technical
issue opening a file here.

It's, uh, being finicky.

Uh, remember, Mr. Rose?
I left you a sticky note.

Ah! Boy, it's times like this

I really miss having you around, Stevie.

Well, um, that's kind of what
I wanted to talk to you about,

Mr. Rose.

Um, you know how you
told me to take some time

and figure out what made me happy?

Well, I think I have
settled on something.

Is it Larry Air?

'Cause they called me for a reference,

and also asked if I had any
interest in becoming a pilot.

No, it's not Larry Air.

So chapter one of your book

is all about trusting your instincts,

and I haven't been doing that.

Oh, well, that's okay, Stevie.

I mean, learning to trust your instincts

is something that comes
with age and experience.

No. I'm talking about
trusting your instincts.

I think I've been
taking them for granted.

So, you read my book?

Most of the first chapter.

I didn't sleep well last
night, so I kind of dozed off.

Well, the first chapter is
more of an introduction, right?

Setting the table.

'Kay, but what I've realized

is that you've given me the opportunity

to take this job and run with it.

So, if you really think
you can make something

out of franchising this motel,

I think I want to be part of it.

You think?

I wanna be part of it.

I want back in.

Oh!

Yeah.

Well, I... should probably tell you

that you don't necessarily have
to trust all my instincts...

all the time. Since you've been gone,

I did have to bring on
a third business partner,

and I may as well tell you that it's...

- Roland.
- I know.

He gave me his new business card.

Never saw so many
typos on a business card.

Do you mind if we don't
talk about Roland right now,

'cause I'm feeling really
good about this decision.

Ah! Yeah, me too, partner.

Me too.

Listen, while you're here,

I'm wondering if I can get
a couple more refreshers

on... what happens after
the file gets opened?

Uh... you may as well.
Yeah.

Morning, sunshine.

Mm. It's 5 pm.

But good morning.

I really don't remember
how I got into this bed.

I do.

You were... talking.

- A lot.
- Uh-oh.

- What was I saying?
- Well,

the conversation really ran the gamut.

You complimented my flawless skin

and called me the Jewish Channing Tatum,

which all tracks.

But then you told me you
wanted us to have a baby.

What else did I say?

I put you to sleep after that.

Wait. Are you, are you joking?

No. No, no. You held me close

and told me to envision our lives...

with a child.

- I see.
- Mm-hm.

That, uh, that must've
been scary for you.

It was a little
triggering. Traumatizing.

David, I know that
you don't want kids,

and that's fine with me, okay?

I was very high on anesthetic.

Okay, it's just that earlier today,

when we were in Stevie's car

because your car's always in the shop,

you had mentioned that you'd
always pictured yourself

having a kid.

You've never pictured
yourself doing something

- that didn't end up happening?
- Of course.

I'm not married to
Christina Aguilera, am I?

- David, I am happy...
- But it's...

with the life I've got.

I'm happy with you.

Things change.

Okay.

You're a hundred percent sure

you're not just saying
you don't wanna have a kid,

but, in actuality, you secretly do

and are repressing
that need... just for me?

I don't wanna undermine the
significance of this conversation,

but I do wanna make it
known that I was watching

"Bridget Jones's Baby"
right before I went under.

Okay, well that makes
a little more sense then.

- Mm.
- You would be a great dad, though.

Okay.

You have a big old
heart in there, David.

- Yeah. Yeah,
- There it is.

- It's beating away.
- Mm-hmm?

Um... Can you grab me
those painkillers, please?

I think I'm gonna need a few of them

if we're still planning on making it

to your mom's thing tonight.

Okay, that's actually
a very good idea.

I might take one myself.

Apparently the first 15
minutes are very, very dense.

Moira! Over here!

Moira! Moira!

Well, break a leg, sweetheart.

I'll be right here...

10 feet behind you.

No, John, tonight is special,

and I'd like my hand-candy by my side.

- Moira!
- Oh.

Moira!

Okay, people, we actually
need to walk the carpet, okay?

Move it along. Ronnie?
Look, we had a deal.

Also, not everyone can
be on the carpet at once.

Thank you.

When exactly are we gonna
get this show on the road?

As soon as you're off the carpet.

Okay, because Carmine is saying

that the crows are getting restless.

Mm!

Where did all these people come from?

Why are your pupils so dilated.

- No, yours are.
- No, yours are.

Why are you dressed like a limo driver?

Your mother insisted.

Why are you both glassy eyed?

What?

Wow!

So the crows are ready.
You just say a few words,

and then give Carmine the signal.

Alexis, Mommy's home now.

I'll take it from here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my great pleasure to welcome you

to a North American screening of...

the psychological thriller...

Move it along.

- "The Crows Have Eyes
III: The Crowening!"

Let the crowening commence!

Oh!

Alexis!

- Oh ho!
- No!

Please, everyone stay calm!

Whatever you do,

do not look them in the eye!

Okay, you're making them angrier!

I'm not, Alexis!

I know a bit of their language.

CAW!

CAW-CAW!

This is fucked.

The worst part is people are
being robbed of the experience

of seeing the film on the big screen.

No, that's not the worst part, Moira.

It's fine. There were
no serious injuries,

and, because people
are watching from home,

there'll be more views that way.

Okay, have you seen this yet?

Some random news station just
posted video of the premiere.

It's been shared 32,000 times.

Well, all press is good press, right?

You might wanna watch it first.

Tonight, a murder of wild crows attacked

would-be audience members

who had come to see a
movie about a crow attack.

We must warn you, the following
content is pretty graphic.

- Oh!
- Okay, they weren't "wild" crows.

They were supposed to be trained.

Trained! Some of them
were painted seagulls.

This is not good, Alexis!

It sorta looks like
people are running away

from your movie, Moira.

You! Look what you have done!

Look what I've done?
This was your idea,

and now I have to pay Ronnie
for damage to her carpet!

What were the crows even
doing there in the first place?

It's called an immersive
experience, David!

Immersed in lawsuits maybe.

Alexis, make it stop!

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --