Original subtitles

J pum jj

j pum jj

jj Penelope ij jj who is Penelope? Jj

jj Penelope ij jj who is Penelope? Jj

jj picture a girl who walks with the rhythm of a lady tiger 57

jj picture a girl who talks with the sweetness of a honey bee jj

jd picture a girl your mind could never dismiss jj

jj this is Penelope jj jj this is Penelope jj

jj Penelope ij jj this is Penelope jj

jj the day the angel-makers planned her Jr

j she set the universe abuzz j.J

jj there is no way to understand her ij

jj in fact the only one who does is Penelope jj

jj who is Penelope? Jj

jj Penelope ij jj who is Penelope? Jj

jj Penelope ij jj who is Penelope? Jj

jj Penelope ij jj who is Penelope? Jj

jj picture a girl whose life is as crazy as a mad magician ij

jj picture a girl whose heart is elusive as a bird is free jj

jj picture a girl who's your conception of bliss 57

jj this is Penelope jj jj this is Penelope jj

jj Penelope ij jj this is Penelope jj

jj Penelope ij jj this is Penelope jj

jj Penelope &'j jj this is Penelope j&j07j

The vaults literally blasted out of the solid granite

of Manhattan island.

Yes, gentlemen, as my old Scottish grandfather

might have said, "your money is safer with us

than if it were guarded by the loch ness monster herself."

And now if you will follow me into the executive suite.

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

Oh, miss Serena. What a sweet name.

Thank you.

I think names have a great influence on character.

- Don"t you? - Well, how's that?

A lady named miss Serena ought to be calm and serene.

- Are you? - Well, I try to be.

That's good, because this is a stickup.

Now, ah, don't move.

And don't put your foot on that alarm button

or I shall be forced to blast you.

Dearie, hand me those nice new stacks of $500 bills.

More.

Ooh.

What are those bills with dear grover Cleveland's picture

on them? $1000 bills?

Let me have a handful of those too.

Oh, one more thing.

Which way is the ladies' room?

Thank you, dearie. You've been very helpful.

Ra-ra-ra!

Three cheers for what? =no!

R-robbed!

Robbed? Someone call Mr. elcott.

Who did it? Point him out.

Stand back, everybody.

Not him. Lady.

- Old lady. - Can you describe her?

- 0old, old... - Calm down, calm down!

Relax. =0ld...

Come on, release the electronic doors.

At once, Mr. elcott.

Alright, lady, come out with your hands up.

A gun! That horrible old lady's got a gun!

A person isn't safe any place in this rotten city.

You first. I'm not even married.

I couldn't find the button, Mr. elcott.

Mr. elcott! Mr. elcott!

They've trapped her in the ladies' room.

Alright, little old lady, are you coming out

or are we coming in?

Nothing.

Do you have a dime?

In deference to your years, madam

I urge you not to do anything foolish.

- Nothing. - I don't get it.

I think I'm beginning to.

Someone lost a coat!

That dame in a yellow suit! Where is she?

- Let's go! - Come on, men, get out!

Bergdorf Goodman, please.

Taxi!

How are you?

What seems to be the trouble?

Stickup at the city federal bank.

Imagine!

Five bandits with machine guns and tear gas.

No!

Got away with over 130,000 bucks!

As much as that?

Good gracious.

Mr. elcott?

Congratulations, you've just broken the world's record.

Robbed the same day you opened.

Throw this nut out!

He's not a nut. He's a police lieutenant.

He doesn't sound like much of a police lieutenant.

And you don't look like much of a bank president.

And a good bony leg. Did you notice?

I lost my trouser defending my bank.

Something that wouldn't have been necessary

had the police been on the job.

Now, now, Mr. elcott, you've got it backwards.

First, there is a bank job, then there is a police job.

Do you mind lowering your voice? It's bad for business.

Come inside.

You should have thought of that before you left

all those $500 and $1000 bills lying around.

It was a promotional idea for the opening.

Bank notes of that denomination aren't readily negotiable.

We have all the serial numbers.

I guess it would be kind of tough

trying to break $1000 bill in an automat.

Yeah, but if they could,

can you imagine 1000 bucks worth of nickels?

I think it's a funny image.

You find grand larceny amusing?

You're tense. You're much too tense.

Very bad for the digestion. Relax.

The insurance company, let them be tense.

They have to make good your losses.

I'm concerned with our loss of prestige.

A thing like this could cause the public to lose confidence.

Well, now, I can't imagine why.

If I were a police, lieutenant, I think I'd be out looking

for $60,000 carried by a redhead in a yellow suit.

The odds are, like, 40 to 1

that the redhead is no longer modeling that particular number.

Here you are, Mr. elcott. Right here on film.

Everything that happened between 2:00 and 3:00.

The robbery took place at 2:47.

We always film the first few days of a new bank's operation.

- Helps eliminate the bugs. - Well, talk about dumb luck.

Rothschild, get these down to the lab.

We're going to the movies tonight.

Get me Mrs. elcott. If she's not at home

Mrs. elcott is here, Dr. mannix.

Send her in.

- Good afternoon, Gregory. - Good evening.

Oh, Gregory, I'm terribly sorry. I just couldn't help it.

Things kept happening.

Oh, that feels good.

I've had such a day!

Good day, I hope? Mm.

No more escapism or attempt to run away from reality?

A little running, yes. Little escaping too.

Hm. Well, you look so beautiful this afternoon

I'll try to forgive it.

Gregory, you've never said anything like that before.

"In the spring, a young man's fancy?"

Penelope, I am not in love with you,

nor are you in love with me.

Although at this stage of your analysis, you may think so.

Oh, I don't think I'm in love with you.

Oh, you, you don't think you're in love with me?

No. Never entered my mind.

Why? Are you disappointed?

Not in the least!

In fact, I'm relieved. Oh.

That's good.

So you had an interesting day, huh?

Care to talk about it?

Well, let's see.

This morning I went shopping

and then I went to the museum of modern art.

They have a marvelous new exhibit there.

Then I had lunch at the, uh, Plaza.

The palm court.

Eggs Benedict.

And then, a few minutes before 3 o'clock

I stuck up my husband's bank.

Are you asleep?

No, I...

You're not associating. You-you realize that?

How do you mean?

I mean, you said you went shopping.

You went to the museum, you had lunch.

Mm-hmm.

And then you said something entirely irrelevant.

Gregory, it's you who's not associating.

All I said was I stuck up my husband's bank.

You said it again. But you couldn't possibly.

How do you know?

Because I've been your analyst for three years.

I know what you're capable of

and I know what you're not capable of.

Would you like to bet?

My reputation in psychiatry

against anything you care to put up.

Will this be enough?

What's that?

Well, I think it's called the loot.

The-the loot?

P-Penelope, would-would you...

So you think you robbed a bank, huh?

Hm, I've been saying that.

Then I went over to Bergdorf's and bought this new outfit.

Do you like it?

Penelope, do you expect me to believe

that you robbed your husband's bank

and went blithely off to Bergdorf's

and spent the loot on dresses and minks?

- Of course not. - Well, thank goodness.

No, I wouldn't spend stolen money.

I have a charge account.

You still insist you robbed a bank.

Now how could you?

Gregory, it's very simple...

Please, I-l don't wanna hear. I-l don't want to hear it.

I-1-1-l don't wanna hear about it.

Oh, of course, that would make you an accessory after the fact.

Gregory, I'm sorry. Don't be upset.

We'll just forget I ever mentioned it.

We're not going to forget about anything.

H-how much did you get?

That's horrible!

Yeah, but I just counted it.

It's only a little over 60,000.

So it's only half as horrible.

Penelope, nobody can just walk into a bank

and pick up $60,000 by asking for it.

Of course, you can. If you have a gun.

You don't own a gun!

Oh, Gregory, you're always so positive.

What do you think this is?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was loaded.

I bought it in the five and dime.

Penelope, this is very bad for your therapy.

I'm sorry, Gregory.

Somewhere in your analysis, I have obviously...

Passed up a vital clue.

Now I-l want you to tell me again from the beginning

about the first time that you took something.

You mean stole something, don't you?

Gregory, we might as well face it.

I'm a kleptomaniac.

I refuse to accept that word clinically.

Now what was the first time?

Well, the very first time...

Was my last week in college.

I was all dressed up for the senior prom

when professor klobb came by.

Professor klobb taught anthropology 404.

And he said he'd like to show me some pictures

of the okokos tribe in his laboratory.

He said the okokos had some very strange customs.

Well, they certainly did,

but no stranger than professor klobb's.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Sorry.

Oh!

Ah!

I didn't notice it at first,

but there was something in my hand.

Somehow, sometime during our session

in primitive anthropology,

I had grabbed hold of professor klobb's

watch fob, diamond-studded.

I could have sent it back, of course,

but I decided I'd just keep it

in memory of the strange customs of the okokos tribe.

So that's where I began my life of crime.

Practically by accident.

When was the next incident?

Well, there were some odds and ends

when I first came to New York.

But then after I met James, I never stole anything.

Until... until when?

Until my wedding day.

I'll never forget how handsome James looked that day.

I was terribly in love with him.

But so, it seems, was my matron of honor, Mildred halliday.

She wasn't exactly my choice,

but her father was on the board of the bank.

At the reception, James suddenly disappeared.

When I came to think about it,

I couldn't seem to locate Mildred either.

I wasn't suspicious, really,

but I began to wonder if it wasn't just possible.

It was.

In situations like this,

I always think of clever things to say.

Well, time to cut the cake.

Hello, Penelope.

Jimmy and I were just discussing weddings.

Yes, I heard you.

Well, everybody always kisses the bride,

but-but-but no one thinks of the groom.

Except you.

Well, it's my generous nature.

Oh, Jim, Jim, look. You're all over lipstick.

Oh, don't be jealous, love.

Jimmy and I have known each other for ages.

Ta.

Ta.

I thought briefly about stabbing her in the back,

but I was afraid the cake knife wasn't sharp enough.

Would you care for an explanation?

No, you don't have to.

How was it?

I could take it or leave it.

Have you got all of her lipstick off?

No, I hope. Why?

In those days, you'd never suspect James was a banker.

Ready, everybody, ready! Here they come!

Alright, Penelope, let's see you hit a future bride.

I can still see Mildred looking up at me.

She was wearing her emerald earrings and necklace,

plus a very superior expression.

It was time to toss the wedding bouquet.

I decided I'd let Mildred have it.

Oh, Mildred.

Oh, darling, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, that's good, darling.

Ta.

- Goodbye, my love. - Goodbye.

And-and-and, darling, darling,

please don't forget to live happily ever after.

- I will, bye. Bye. - Goodbye, James.

- Goodbye, Douglas. - Bye!

My, my earrings. My earrings!

And when we returned home ten days later,

the necklace and earrings were still in the potted palm jar.

- And you never returned them? - No. Why should 1?

How am I going to help you?

I'm sorry, Gregory.

- I'll try to do better. - Alright.

Now, I want you to think very carefully

before you answer this.

Each time you stole something,

do you remember how you felt afterwards?

Guilty?

Upset?

Depressed.

Disturbed.

Cheerful.

How can you feel cheerful?

Gregory, that's why I'm here.

To try to find out why stealing makes me cheerful.

You couldn't. You couldn't possibly feel cheerful.

Which is one fault that I do not have.

Kleptomania, yes.

Dishonesty, no.

You are not a kleptomaniac.

A kleptomaniac steals out of compulsion,

but you steal because you enjoy it.

You're angry with me. You bet I am.

And we better end this session right here.

Why? Because I...

Because I find I cannot...

I cannot maintain a proper attitude of detachment.

And besides, your time is up.

Yes.

Mr. elcott is calling Mrs. elcott.

Oh, I wonder what could be so urgent.

It may have something to do with his wife sticking up his bank.

Yes, James?

Oh.

He won't be home for dinner.

Why not, darling?

No.

For heaven's sakes.

What?

You have?

When?

Oh, James, can I come?

Oh, thank you, darling.

Yes, yes, yes, I promise I won't be late.

Gregory, guess what?

They have movies of the robbery,

and James is gonna let me see them with the police.

I'm on film. Isn't that exciting?

It's just like an actress having a screen test.

Except that you get this part, you're gonna play it in jail.

Gregory, I'd better run.

I've got a thousand things to do first. Bye.

Thank you, Gregory. When do I see you again?

With good behavior, in about 20 years.

Tomorrow, same time. Same time.

Assuming you're still at large.

Dr. knoblock, I think it's time we resume my analysis.

You see, I've fallen in love with this bank robber...

- Oh, may I help you? - Oh, oui, madame.

I have here a suit to donate to your charity.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, to whom shall we make out the receipt?

- Bye. - It's tax deductible, you know.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

It's gorgeous. I'll take it.

- You are too late! - Say!

- Oh, please! - What are you doing?

Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Ladies!

Such a big commotion. Over what?

Some yellow rag?

The color"s all wrong for your sallow complexion.

And yellow? On a woman of your years?

How much were you going to pay for this, lady?

Well, uh, uh, $20. That seems fair.

- 21. - It's damaged goods. Look.

In that case, I'm not interested at any price.

Then neither am I.

Oh, dear.

Here's $7.

More than it's worth.

But then I'm such a soft touch.

Oh.

Sadaba, love of my life,

do you know what we have here?

It couldn't be.

But it couldn't be anything else.

Nobody, nobody does seams like givenchy.

A Paris original for $7.

You're a genius.

In love with an angel.

Your rich angel.

In the shop, we'll get $500 for this.

And a good hanger, six.

Please help the poor.

Please, friends, open your hearts.

The lord loves a cheerful giver.

Please, friends, open your hearts.

Help others.

Pardon, monsieur.

It is more blessed to give than to take, no?

So we've been taught. Yes.

Hm, too bad it is not the other way around.

Yes.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute, I forgot my...

Never mind.

Cracker Jack?

We're coming up on our first good look

at the suspect right here.

It's about time.

- Now what? - Oh, it's my wife.

Uh, darling, lieutenant bixbee.

- How do you do? - And sergeant rothschild.

Hello.

Am I, uh, missing anything?

Not from where I'm standin'.

Uh, sergeant, as long as you're rewinding that

why don't you start from the top for Mrs. elcott?

Oh, that's very kind.

- Cracker Jack? - Thank you.

Thank you.

Your shoes? Where are your shoes, darling?

Oh, wouldn't you know it? I left them in the taxi.

Last week, it was in the elevator.

I could send out an all-points bulletin.

I hope you have more luck with my wife's shoes

than you're having with my bank robbery.

Your bank, my robber. Remember.

Oh, this is so exciting.

James, that's you.

Oh, James, you look so handsome.

When do we get to see the girl?

Right now.

There she is.

Out of the way!

I can't see her!

Oh, maybe there's more.

- Turn around! Turn around! - Yes, turn around!

Slow down the film.

Oh, she's gone.

Run that part backwards.

Oh, I like that.

Well, that's it.

Suspect, young white female,

5'3", red hair, yellow suit.

Did I forget anything?

Yeah, when viewed from behind,

she has a very attractive wiggle.

Excuse me, Mrs. elcott. =not at all.

Not much help, was it?

No. What a shame.

Everyone else's face was so clear.

You were very good, James.

And miss Serena was just fabulous.

Yeah, considering she kept her mouth open all the time.

Mm.

Incidentally, your cameras are very strategically located.

We weren't expecting to photograph the ladies' washroom.

Yeah. Bixbee.

Oh, very good.

Our first break in the case.

So soon? I may have underestimated you.

Good work, officer.

We set up a roadblock in Times Square.

Lieutenant, how dear of you.

Oh, James, wash't that sweet of him?

Adorable.

Lieutenant bixbee?

I already gave.

Oh, I'm major Higgins.

I'm very busy.

Well, that's a fine way for a lieutenant

to talk to a major.

Uh, uh, lieutenant,

I was wondering if you could tell me if this is real.

Excuse me a minute.

Major, where did you get this?

A young lady put it in my tambourine about 5 o'clock.

Could you describe her?

Her clothes, her coloring?

Her height, her figure?

Uh, Mrs. elcott, would you stand up, please?

Oh, of course.

Yes, yes, she was just about this young lady's height.

And figure.

Only...

Only what?

Only with blond hair.

Anything else? Yes.

She spoke with a French accent and...

She had a mole on her cheek.

Excuse me. Right here.

Thank you.

Can you remember anything she said?

Yes, I believe her exact words were

"it is more blessed to give than to take, no?"

Oh, we need workers like her.

So willing, so, uh...

Cheerful? Cheerful.

Yes, yes, that's the exact word. Cheerful.

Yeah, she seemed such a sweet person.

Isn't the money good?

Well, not for you, major.

This bill was stolen this afternoon

from Mr. elcott's bank.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

But I was just hoping.

Oh, well.

Major, wait!

Lieutenant bixbee, this is unfair.

It doesn't have to be fair. It's the law.

What law? I never heard of any such law.

I mean, why can't he keep it?

After all, he didn't steal it. Somebody gave it to him.

It wasn't hers to give, darling.

But he needs it.

Isn't there anything you can do?

I'm afraid not.

Well, then, James, you do something.

Uh, like what?

Write major Higgins a check.

- For what, darling? - For $1000.

That's what you're taking from him.

- Taking? - Well, of course.

And besides, you'll be breaking even.

How do-how do you figure that out, darling?

Well, major Higgins gave you back your $1000.

You give him back his $1000. Simple.

Am I hearing right? I can't believe this.

James!

If you don't give major Higgins a check,

I'll never speak to you again.

Oh, please, folks, please.

We're meant to ease people's troubles, not to cause them.

I'm sorry.

Please, James.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Five hundred?

A thousand.

A thousand.

Wait till word of this reaches

red cross, ymca and Hadassah.

And do you know what?

James still doesn't understand that he broke even on the deal.

Maybe he was just being stubborn.

No, he's just confused.

For a banker, I think that's pretty strange.

Is all this milk good for you?

It's not for me, it's for my ulcer.

You know, lieutenant bixbee was so nice

about getting back my shoes.

Why do you suppose I took this?

Gregory.

Go down the wrong pipe?

Penelope.

Penelope.

Penelope, did you, did you ever think

of going to another psychiatrist?

No, that would be disloyal.

I'm not helping you at all.

Of course you are.

Gregory, I'm sorry. I'll send the wallet back.

It's not only this.

Oh, don't be discouraged just because I stuck up a bank.

Your husband's bank.

Yeah, James' bank.

Why his bank? Why not somebody else's bank?

Why are you writing left-handed?

I'm being an accessory after the fact.

Would you mind licking this for me?

I'm too dry.

Whatever made you marry a man like that in the first place?

Oh, James wasn't a man like that in the first place.

Oh, no.

The first time I met James was at a greenwich village cellar

known as the plush pig.

I'd been working there a couple of months.

It was my first real job in New York.

Im someone who knows who I am j.J

jj but when you are far away jj

jd my world is clouded jj

jj the sun is gray jj

jj you can make me touch the sky jj

jj give me wings and help me fly I'l

jj but without you night and day jj

jd my world is clouded jj

jj the sun is gray jj

jd you hang the moon jj

jj scatter stars throughout the sky j;

jj all of the good things within me jj

jj must first be seen through your eye jj

jj there is only one thing wrong jj

jj the sun is gray jj

jj the sun is gray j&j7j

The devil's fiddle speaks.

Hi.

- Huh. Miss Penelope Gordon? - Mm-hm.

If you sit down, you won't have to scrunch over.

I'd offer you a drink, but it's only water.

Would you excuse me while I take out my eyes?

I'm James elcott, city federal bank.

Hm, contacts.

Oh, now I can see you much better.

Well, I never shook hands with a bank before.

How is it I haven't heard from you, miss Gordon?

Well, it's probably because we've only just met.

But I've written you nine times in the last two months.

Oh, you really love folk songs, do you?

Not exactly. No, this is business.

City federal has accepted trusteeship of a modest estate

left to you by your mother's cousin.

Are you sure you've got the right Penelope Gordon?

Absolutely.

The income from the estate won't be much,

but there are papers to sign.

You're certain you never received any of my letters?

Ah, I know what happened.

You see, I never open my mail.

Oh, who does it for you?

- Nobody. - What happens to it?

Well, usually, I stick it away in a drawer someplace

and then I always forget it or it gets lost.

Don't you lose a lot of friends that way?

Oh, no, just the opposite.

You see, if you write me a letter and I answer it,

then you have to answer mine.

Then I answer your second letter and you have to write me a third

and answer to my second.

And then I have to write you a third

and you have to send me a fourth.

And pretty soon, we're so busy writing letters to each other

we haven't got time to be friends.

Isn't that true?

Uh, I-i-l never, I never thought of it like that, hm.

Well, anyway, I-l could still look for your letters at home.

Would that help?

Well, we ought to discuss them, yes.

Oh, dear.

What is it?

I've dropped my contact lens. I'm always losing them.

Oh, oh, don't get your pants dirty.

Oh, that's alright.

Do you, um, do you think we could, uh,

get together sometime tomorrow?

Oh, sure, how about dinner?

I-I'm gonna have some friends in.

Uh, that's wonderful.

Oh, these contacts, they're so tiny.

We're never going to find them.

Well, does it matter?

You said yourself, you can see better without them.

Oh, much better.

I think this optometrist I was dating

gave me the wrong prescription.

May I ask something?

Why do you wear them?

Well, he said they make my eyes look luminous.

I think they're luminous already.

And quite beautiful.

Oh, well, then I don't need to wear the contacts, do I?

I'm glad you came to see me.

So aml.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow night.

So aml.

And now I'd like to get up, please.

Pardon?

You're kneeling on my hair.

- Oh, I'm terribly... - Oh, watch out for the...

Pipe.

Oh, dear. Oh.

I'm terribly sorry.

A-are you alright?

It's alright. Quite alright.

There's nothing to concern yourself about.

Oh, dear.

Oh, you found my contact lens.

Yeah?

Miss Penelope Gordon?

Is this the bank?

Yes. Shall I come up?

No, but you're welcome down here.

Got it.

I hope I'm not overdressed for the village.

No, I wouldn't say so.

Come on in and meet everybody.

Everybody, meet James elcott.

You're dressed funny for a banker.

- I could go home and change. - Oh, no, I think it's sweet.

You dressed for us and we dressed for you.

Penelope, help.

You know these things make me nervous.

Don't panic, Sebastian. Help is on the way.

- I'll just be a sec. - I'm going to hold you to that.

I know you.

Do you bank at city federal?

I bank in my mattress.

Well, that's nice too.

Last night at plush pig,

you walked out on my big number.

An unintentional slight.

Talk's cheap. Wanna hear it now?

- Right here without your band? - I'll fake it for you.

I've got to rescue my friend from boom boom.

I shall rescue the businessman.

Please finish my present.

Well, it's your birthday.

How about a fast arrangement of "greensleeves?"

Just a minute, boom boom. He's mine.

Oh, come on, Sebastian.

I bet you fit in any place.

- I like your friends. - They came with the lease.

Did that come with the lease too?

No. I used to date this welder.

He must have been an awful driver.

No, I had this other boyfriend who owns a junkyard.

You got a lot of boyfriends, haven't you?

Hm. You're my first banker.

Why all this shopping around?

Well, if you don't try everything

how are you gonna find out what you really like?

Out of the mouths of babes.

Again?

Where did everybody go?

They're all here.

Three weeks later, we got married.

All in a rush. Like if we didn't, we'd die.

And if your husband was still the same

romantic greenwich village James,

would you be stealing now?

Oh, James hasn't got time for romance.

He's too busy banking.

So you steal?

You're much too calm about it.

Well, why shouldn't I be calm?

After all, there's nothing to connect me with the robbery.

Except the yellow suit.

You realize the police are combing the city for it.

Mm, so I've read.

I took care of it.

You burned it?

No, I gave it away to a thrift shop.

Thrift shop?

Do you realize the chance you're taking?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll go buy it back.

Buy it? No, no!

Penny, look.

Are you trying to get caught, mm?

You never should have gone there in the first place.

Well, what else could I do? Throw it away?

It would have been a lot safer.

Gregory, it was a givenchy suit.

So?

Well, you can't just throw a givenchy down a manhole.

It's sacrilege.

And besides, James paid $1100 for that suit

and I wouldn't like to see him waste his money.

Hi. Lieutenant bixbee. Sergeant rothschild.

What a nice surprise.

Mrs. elcott, do you shop here?

Yes, I often drop by. They have fascinating things.

They did yesterday. They had the yellow suit.

Not really.

How did they get it?

Well, they got it the same way

that major Higgins got his $1000 bill.

It was donated by a blond girl with a phony French accent.

- And we traced it here. - Well, how clever of you.

Well, not so clever.

The lady back there read about it in the paper and called us.

But we were clever enough to pick up the phone.

Well, that's that. You've got it.

Not yet. Somebody bought it. Paid seven bucks.

- Seven bucks? But that... - What? Too cheap?

Well, that's hard to say.

I'd have to see it first.

Well, why don't you come along while we pick it up?

Do I get to ride in a police car?

Yeah, with a siren and everything.

Does sergeant rothschild always drive like that?

He was just showin' off a little.

This is the first police raid I've ever been invited to.

Are you gonna break down the door?

Well, you see, that went out with prohibition.

Now we have a whole new image.

It's very suave and very couth.

So when we get inside, you just take your cue from me.

Right, chief.

That's lieutenant, Mrs. elcott.

That's Penelope, lieutenant.

Horatio. My father read a lot.

Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Oh, cherie.

Now that's what I call a vintage pastrami.

Mm-hm. Mm.

Mm.

Delish dill pickle...

Is nothing to throw rocks at.

I feel a slight heartburn building up.

Quickly, my angel, the cream soda.

Ah, good afternoon, lady and gentleman.

Welcome to the salon of Princess sadaba.

The boutique tres chic.

- Salud. - Ah, this domestic champagne.

Ah, and what can Princess sadaba do for you?

Don't tell me, I know.

With such a lovely figure, you have obviously

come for one of sadaba's divine evening gowns.

Oh, no, a suit. Or a suit.

You see how sadaba knows.

I'd like something bright. I'm going to portofino.

Portofino! Oh, it is like fate.

Quick, the number we have been saving for her.

- Madame sadaba is psychic. - Really?

Three weeks ago, she sends all the way to Paris for this suit.

Why? Because she knows you will be needing it for p-Puerto Rico.

Ducky, darling, bring out the you-know-what.

Right away, majesty.

Et voilal

here we are.

Hot off the plane from Paris.

I believe you. It's still warm.

Try it on.

- Why? - Why not?

You'd look good in yellow.

Sadaba is not only psychic, she's a genius.

Look, see how it fits. Like it was made for her.

That's just what I was thinking.

So was I. It's absolutely divine.

It's just you.

Yeah. Yeah, it's just you.

Thank you. I'd love to have it.

On second thought, maybe sadaba keeps this creation for herself.

- Oh. - Oh, please take it off.

Sadaba cannot bear to part with it.

How much?

Oh, for you, sadaba lets it go for practically nothing.

Six hundred dollars.

I'll say this for you, Princess, you got a lot of guts.

Is that the way to talk to royalty?

Ducky, darling, go upstairs and get the box.

Ducky will kill me, but to make your little wife happy,

the givenchy is yours for 595.

The lady is not my wife.

Sadaba will never breathe a word.

Sadaba can breathe all she wants.

I'm lieutenant bixbee, New York police.

Ducky?

The cops.

Uh, we didn't do nothing illegal.

There's no law against overcharge.

Just relax, your majesty.

Nobody is accusing anybody of anything.

The suit is evidence in a bank robbery.

It was in all the papers.

It was no mention of it in the Christian science monitor.

Here it is.

It'll look lovely on you.

No, Mrs. elcott, we're taking it.

- Oh? - Wrap it up, Princess.

Here. Big spender.

Seven bucks down the drain.

Relax. Compliments of merrill lynch.

A whole $3 profit.

I'm terribly sorry. You do have a lovely shop.

I'd like to come back when I have more time.

Um, pleasure, pleasure.

Bye.

That name, that face.

I have seen her before, but where?

Where? Where?

Ducky, precious, I think we go immediately browsing

through the back issues of vogue

at the public library. Come on.

The dame's got a lot of nerve charging those figures, right?

Well, actually, $600 isn't too far out of line.

For a secondhand suit?

A secondhand givenchy suit.

I don't recall sadaba mentioning a givenchy suit.

At least not while you were there.

She didn't? =noo.

Well, then how did I know?

Oh, she did say Paris.

I must have put two and two together.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Very nice.

You know, I was saying that in my line of work

you don't get a chance to spend much time in a joint like this.

You know, I think this is probably

my most favorite place in New York.

Better than your husband's bank, Mrs. elcott?

How did I get demoted from Penelope back to Mrs. elcott?

Alright. Penelope.

Penelope, do you know...

Most of the time I like my job?

- What's that? - That? It's bubblegum.

- May I have some? - Yeah, help yourself.

Who's Ron swoboda?

I just chew the gum.

You know, it's a funny thing about crime.

But it's the innocent suspect

that usually looks the most guilty.

That's because he's got nothing to hide.

Keeps his guard down.

But the guilty ones, they're always thinking.

They're watching themselves pretty good.

How will they sound and how will that look?

And in the end, it's their very smoothness that traps them.

It's fascinating.

How do you do that?

Now what kind of a childhood did you have?

The kind with braces on your teeth.

Spread the gum flat, poke your tongue into it

and fill the pocket with air.

- I did it! - Beginner's luck.

Penelope, I am the best damn cop I know...

And that's my trouble.

I'm too damn good for my own damn good.

I think you're very good.

That's what that lady bank robber's about to find out.

You know, that poor kid doesn't have a chance.

Mm. =overconfident.

You see, in the neighborhood that I come from

a kid had three chances.

He could be a hood, he could be a cop,

he could be a priest.

Well, I was too clumsy to steal and we weren't catholic.

Maybe if I'd had a neighborhood.

Penelope. What?

Did you spend a lot of time in your husband's bank?

No, I hardly ever go there if I can help it. Why?

When we ran the film

you knew the teller's name just like that.

Well, of course I knew her name.

It was on a plaque on the counter.

Didn't you see it?

Well, I guess I'm not as good at my job

as I thought I was. I missed it.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

I was supposed to meet James ten minutes ago.

Do I get to keep Ron swoboda?

Hey, Horatio, watch.

Not bad, hm?

Terrific.

Then James began to get promoted at the bank.

Third vice president, second vice president,

first vice president.

At last, we're getting to the crux of your problem!

Don't you see it?

You feel left out of your husband's life

so you compensate for his lack of attention.

I do?

In desperation, I began taking up hobbies.

First, hobbies with James.

James! James!

Things were still pretty much up in the air.

So I next tried hobbies for James.

James! James! Look what we won!

Good girl.

Good boy.

Well, at least he patted me first.

Nothing worked.

It's funny.

There's only one hobby that seemed to cheer me up.

Burglary.

Not burglary. That's forcible entry.

All you committed was simple larceny.

Please, Gregory, I'd rather think of it as burglary.

It's more exciting.

Penelope, how many victims did you burglarize?

And whom did you choose to burgle?

Uh, bur-burglarize. Uh, Rob.

I don't know. Just people.

Yes, people. People who are your husband's

business associates, huh?

Yes.

For some reason, I just hated them.

No matter where James and I went

there was no getting away from the world of finance.

"The president's statement on taxes

brought selling pressure into the market.

And though he did reiterate that..."

Oh, let's go for a little swim.

Eh, well... don't you think it's late, isn't it?

Oh, come on.

At Newport, it was Johanna Keller,

one of the bank's biggest depositors.

- The last hot dog I ate... - Oh, come on.

Oh, please, miss...

After that, we didn't see so much of miss Keller.

Even when we'd go dancing, like the night at the block,

sooner or later, James' banking friends

would manage to spoil our fun.

Oh, sooner or later, I'm going to have to talk business with them.

I don't see why.

After all, you don't dance with them at the bank, do you?

I love you, darling.

I'm glad I don't have to do business with you.

Not fair, you two.

Oh, it's "la bostella."

Couldn't you just die?

When the music stops, we all fall down.

I just had to fix him.

Not bad.

Diamond tiara, three brooches,

nine bracelets and a lavaliere.

Oh, and my best caper was when I took...

Penny, just stop. Just stop.

But there's lots more. I could go on for hours.

Maybe you could, but I couldn't.

Gregory, you mustn't let this depress you.

Depression is a luxury

not permitted the experienced psychiatrist.

Well, that's good.

Because there is a bright side to this whole thing.

Well, the way my marriage was headed

and the state of nerves I was in,

if it hadn't been for kleptomania

I might have gone a little kook.

Penny, do you have any idea how difficult

it is being your analyst?

Oh, Gregory, you should have known me

in the days before you knew me.

I was vague, frivolous.

You might even say a bit of a ding.

Thank heaven, I've settled down. Bye.

What do you suppose it means

when you keep forgetting your shoes? Hm.

Where are you rushing to? You still have seven minutes left.

Oh, you can owe me. I'm off to the park Lane galleries.

There's a Rembrandt there that's a steal.

A Rembrandt. Penny, you wouldn't.

Taxi! Taxi!

Psst.

Psst.

Gregory. Shh!

What? Police.

They may have followed me. Police?

Gregory, what have you done?

Nothing. I haven't done anything.

Well, if you haven't done anything

then why would the police...

Penelope, I don't want to get into a discussion, not now.

Now tell me, where, where did you hide the money?

What money?

What do you mean, what money? You know what...

Loot. The loot.

Oh, that money.

Well, frankly, that's had me very worried.

I mean, I couldn't just leave it lying around any place.

You know, that could be very dodgy.

I carry it with... oh!

Your lieutenant bixbee, he knows.

He just came to see me.

I thought he acted strangely yesterday.

Strangely how?

I don't know. Sort of... guilty.

Why would he feel guilty? Oh, never mind. Ooh!

Penny, listen to me.

You've got to get that money back to the bank today.

Now. How?

I can't just walk in and hand it over.

Well, I figured that...

Oh, give me the money

and I'll, I'll stick it in the night deposit chute.

Oh, Gregory, I don't like to see you get involved.

Neither do I.

Come on. All of it.

Oh, penny.

Penny.

- Alright, how do I look? - Frightened.

Oh, no, I mean up here.

- Like Batman. - Thanks.

Gregory, you're very sweet.

But why do you insist on doing this?

Because I'm in love with you.

- Because I'm crazy about you. - Gregory.

And when I say crazy, I'm using the word medically.

- But just the other day... - Forget it.

- You said... - Forget it. Forget it!

Now let's get out of here and try to act very natural.

- They locked us in! - Don"t worry.

That bell ought to bring somebody.

That bell will bring everybody. That's a burglar alarm.

- What if they search us? - Well, what of it?

- We haven't stolen anything. - Not today, we haven't.

What do you think this is?

- Oh, penny. - They wouldn't dare search us.

Yoo-hoo, somebody! Yoo-hoo!

Not yet! Not yet!

Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!

Good evening. Would you mind opening the gate, please?

You in there, what are you up to?

Nothing. I swear it.

Please call the manager.

I am the manager.

Where were you hiding when we locked up?

Oh, right behind that cabinet.

No, we weren't. We weren't hiding.

We were standing. We were standing.

Don't you realize we're closed?

Well, that's just the trouble.

If you were open, we could leave.

And don't you dare try to search us

or we'll call the police.

Penelope! She didn't mean that.

You didn't mean that.

What are you, lady? Some kind of a nut?

I don't care for your attitude.

And for your information, you have seen

the last of me in this gallery.

Come, Gregory.

Morning, darling. Hello. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

What? You sure?

Yeah, I-l find that hard to believe.

In, uh, half an hour.

Right.

Who was that on the phone?

The bank.

Oh, what'd they want?

What did who want?

The bank.

They wanted to talk to me.

- Well, what about? - About banking.

Oh.

Well, where did they hide the financial section?

Since when have you been concerned with money matters?

I'm just showing a little wifely interest.

Well, that's funny. The financial section?

No, I was just hoping...

- Morning, toshi. - Morning.

I just thought maybe there might be

some good news about the robbery.

How can there be good news about bad news?

Well, it's possible. You could get the money back.

That wouldn't be in the financial section.

It would be on the religious page under miracles.

Well, you already got that $1000 back.

Let's hope I don't get the rest back the same way.

I could go broke.

James, you still don't understand about that, do you...

Now I do, I do, I do.

Now, please, don't explain it again.

I broke even, I'm delighted, I'm delirious, huh?

Well, you did break even. Mm.

Dr. mannix says you're just being stubborn.

Oh, Dr. mannix says that, does he?

Yes, he does.

How does Dr. mannix know anything about it?

Well, I told him.

I tell him everything.

What do you mean, everything?

Everything.

About me too?

Well, of course.

I think I'll have a talk with your Dr. mannix.

James, that's marvelous.

You have no idea how much he could help you.

I don't want help.

Well, then why waste the money?

Lieutenant bixbee.

Your money...

We got it all back.

I knew it.

Seems I underestimated you, bixbee.

I thought maybe you'd like to go down to headquarters.

You see, we also got the girl who stole it.

We're bringing her up for questioning now.

Toshi, my hat!

I don't understand.

Well, you know, it kind of took me by surprise too.

I thought I had this case all figured out.

- Goes to show you. - Ready, lieutenant.

Wait a minute. James, I'll go with you.

No, no, darling, there's no need for you to be involved in this.

Wait for me! Wait for me!

Horatio, what if you've arrested the wrong girl?

Not a chance.

She had the money on her when we picked her up.

Alright. Right this way.

Oh, hi, doll.

Well, you're new in here, aren't you?

I mean, I don't recall making your acquaintance

in night court or nothin'.

Mine's honeysuckle Rose.

You must be doing pretty good.

That almost looks like for-real mink.

Alright, miss Rose. Just hold it. Relax a minute.

No offense, Mrs. elcott.

The lady in the genuine mink is the wife of this gentleman,

who happens to be the president of the bank that you hit.

Oh.

Well, she looks pretty enough to be...

What's your right name, honey?

Well, I told you. Honeysuckle Rose.

My sister's mexicali Rose.

I know, the roses of Washington square.

Huntington, West Virginia.

We drove through there once, James, remember?

Penelope, please. Can't we get on with this, hm?

Honeysuckle, why don't you be a good girl

and just give us a full confession?

Hm, okay.

Um, I was walking my cat up park Avenue

around, uh, 3 o'clock this morning

when I see that lying on the sidewalk... practically.

Correction. You walked into my bank

around 3 o'clock in the afternoon

two days ago and stole the money.

Now wait a minute.

Do I look like a person who'd stick up a bank?

Of course not.

Oh, come now, walking a cat at 3 o'clock in the morning?

I don't see anything wrong with that.

She probably does night work.

- Do you? - Well, uh...

Yeah.

You see?

Well, I'm glad we got that decided.

Penelope, I don't think you're getting the full picture.

You see, the charge against miss Rose here

is not cat-walking, it's bank-robbing.

Well, it's a frame.

I never set foot inside that bank, I swear it.

I believe you.

Well, but they don't.

Well, look at their faces!

Oh, this is no 30 days and out rap.

They-they wanna lock me up and throw away the key.

Honey, believe me, you're only making it tough on yourself

by sticking to this cockamamie story.

Well, that's the only cockamamie story I know!

Alright, matron, get her out of here.

Oh, no. No, wait.

Wait, I-i-l admit it.

Lied.

The-the money w-wasn't on the sidewalk.

I-it was sticking out of the deposit slot.

Well, I was gonna return it. Maybe collect a reward even.

But that doesn't make me a bank robber, does it?

I mean, not-not like they mean.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're making a terrible mistake.

Honey, they know what they're doing.

Well, how do you know that she isn't telling the truth?

It's my theory. It could have happened exactly as she said it.

You mean somebody actually left $59,000

on the doorstep of a bank in the middle of the night?

- Yes! - Who, Mrs. elcott?

The thief, that's who. The bank robber.

For what possible reason, darling?

Because she was trying to get rid of it.

In the same bank that she stole it from?

Certainly.

You see, she never wanted the money in the first place.

- She only took it because... - Because why?

Because she couldn't help herself.

Uh, we appreciate your help, Mrs. elcott,

but your theory is based on sympathy for the suspect,

not fact.

Okay, matron.

No!

Alright.

You wanted a confession and I'll see that you get one.

Thanks a lot, but miss Rose is not talking.

No, not from miss Rose, from the bank robber.

From the woman who robbed your bank

and escaped in a red wig and a yellow suit.

Me.

I'm sorry, James.

I'll just have to explain later why it had to be your bank.

But right now, the most important thing

is to get to the truth of this

so that this poor innocent girl doesn't have to go to jail.

So if you will call a stenographer

I will dictate a full statement.

Now, Mrs. elcott, I'm afraid you're under a strain.

Perhaps you better take her home.

You know, a nap or somethin'.

Why, you don't believe me.

None of you.

You don't recognize the truth when it slaps you in the face.

You think I'm crazy, don't you?

Oh, no, certainly not. No.

Uh, you know, sometimes, uh...

Well, we all need help sometimes.

Well, I am not under a strain.

And as far as my head, it has never been

clearer than at this moment.

And as far as my needing help is concerned,

let me assure you that I see my psychiatrist five times a week.

Matron.

I'm sorry, miss Rose.

But don't worry, they can't keep you long.

I'll make them believe me. I promise you.

Thank you.

But-but you know something, Mrs. elcott,

a-and it's a shame,

even I don't believe you.

My poor darling.

Oh, I'm so disappointed in you, James.

Why won't you believe me?

Believe you're a kleptomaniac? A thief? A bank robber?

Darling, would you believe that of me?

Of course.

If you really and truly wanted me

to believe that you were a thief, I would.

- Because I trust you. - How can I believe you?

Last night at 3:00 in the morning

you were in bed next to me.

Well, what's wrong with that? We're married.

Uh, but-but the money, darling.

Oh, that.

Gregory took it back for me.

I must say he didn't do a very good job of it.

He's not doing a very good job of helping you

by humoring these fantasies of yours.

Do you know why Gregory says I robbed your bank?

Because you pay more attention to it than you do to me.

You hardly ever even notice me anymore.

You know I do. What do you want? Tell me what you want.

Anything, anything you want, darling.

Well, there's only one thing I really care about.

Something that would mean a great deal to me.

Name it.

I'd like to give a nice cocktail party

for all of your friends.

A cocktail party.

Should you tell the driver to drop you off at the bank?

In this?

She's home? Mrs. elcott?

Who is calling, please?

Friends.

Anonymous.

Mr. and Mrs. anonymous.

Hello.

- You remember sadaba? - And ducky?

Of course.

Have a seat, Mrs. elcott.

Is there something I can do for you?

- For us? No. - We do something for you.

Oh, well, I'm expecting guests.

Uh, if you're here to sell me a dress...

Much more important than a dress.

We come to sell you freedom.

Oh! Oh, well, that's a wonderful cause.

I'm always interested in freedom.

- For everybody. - Especially for you.

The check now.

How much would you like?

Twenty-five thousand dollars.

As much as that?

Well, what, uh, is it for?

To keep a nice lady out of jail.

Sadaba knows Mrs. James elcott robbed her husband's bank.

You know that?

Really? Are you positive?

You didn't hear her just tell you?

Can you prove it?

Is sadaba a fool?

Certainly she proves it. How?

Here is a picture from magazine two years old.

You recognize the lady?

- It's me! - Oh, not so close.

Ducky, sweetheart, read the words.

"At luncheon for charity, Mrs. James elcott of New York

wearing a suit of yellow wool designed by givenchy."

It's me in the yellow suit!

Well, if anybody saw that...

You're blackmailing me!

Blackmail is a criminal offense.

What we're trying to do

is a $25,000 good turn.

Oh.

And suppose I won't pay it?

But you will, or we show this to your husband.

Oh, can I depend on that?

Here is my word.

What does she mean, depend on it?

Oh, he ought to be along any minute.

Can you wait?

So maybe the husband is in the game, huh?

So maybe we don't even bother to show him?

Oh, you've got to, please.

We don't got...

But maybe we take the picture to the police.

Right away. Quick.

What do you say to that?

Okay, I-I'll go with you.

No.

Ducky, something is smelling crooked in the place.

- Out. - No! Oh, wait! Please, listen!

- We get rid of the evidence! - Stop! What are you doing?

Please, you're spoiling everything!

We swallow the evidence! Swallow!

James, oh, darling.

Thank heaven you're here.

Darling, this is Princess sadaba and ducky.

And they came here to blackmail me.

Princess sadaba, now please explain to my husband

why you're blackmailing me.

We came to interest your wife in an evening gown.

Out of the blue, suddenly I'm hearing

uh, about blackmail.

James, that's not true.

They have positive proof that I robbed your bank.

What bank?

Mr. elcott, I hate to say this,

but you are married to some wacky woman.

My wife has not been feeling too well lately.

James, are you going to believe them or me?

Honey, you're imagining things again.

Imagining things? Imagining things?

Alright, ask him what he's eating.

Excuse me, sir, what are you eating?

- I had a late lunch. - Thank you.

Oh!

Come, highness.

I'm sorry.

If there's any way I can make amends...

You got maybe a little seltzer?

Out!

James, such a fun party.

When's your Penelope going to appear?

Maybe she's having zipper trouble. I'll just go and see.

Dr. mannix.

I didn't know a psychiatrist made house calls.

I am a guest.

And I have an invitation. See?

You did. Now you don't.

Isn't that a rather childish thing to do?

Then how about something more grownup?

Say, a punch in the nose?

Taking out your aggressions on me is not going to help you.

It won't help you, but then you're not helping my wife.

I've only been on the case for three years, sir.

At the end of which time, your patient, your former patient

is worse off than when she first started with you.

Former? W-w-what do you mean by, uh, former? I don't understand.

Then I'll explain. You're fired.

Wait! Elcott, you can't do that!

Penny. Penny?

Yes, what is it?

Everyone's asking for you, honey. Are you coming out?

I told you, yes.

When?

As soon as Mildred halliday gets here.

What's Mildred halliday got to do with it?

You'll see.

Penny, just let me in and we'll talk it over, huh?

Penny, if you'll just answer me.

Penny, open!

This knob, it sticks. Oh.

- I have to get a screwdriver. - Mm-hmm.

Well, you should try to find it in the yellow pages.

Or open my door.

Hello, Mildred. Welcome to the party.

Oh, James, make sure Mildred gets everything she wants.

- Oh, poor darling. - Oh, Mildred.

Would you mind doing me a favor?

Oh, anything, anything.

Try kissing somebody else for a change, huh?

Well, honestly, I do,

but I just don't enjoy it as much.

A double scotch. Soda or over the rocks?

Over another double scotch.

Ooh, yummy, I'll drink to that.

Good evening. Good evening.

Good evening, James.

Penny, what's all this? You'll see.

Dear miss Heller, so good of you to come.

Have you seen the bottom of any good swimming pools lately?

Mistaken? I...

Daphne. Daphne, darling.

The next time you go discothequeing, you should be more careful.

You lost your tiara.

James, is this her idea of a joke?

Penny darling, come inside.

Mildred, for some reason

they don't seem to want their jewelry back.

But I'm sure you will.

A memento of my wedding day.

Dear Penelope, you always did

have such a quaint sense of humor.

I never saw those emeralds in my life.

- Mildred! - Penny, please.

James, something's wrong.

Something's terribly wrong.

I'm frightened.

Penelope, wait!

- Penelope! Penelope, wait! - Jimmy, let her go.

She knows she's made a fool of herself and she's embarrassed.

- I've got to stop her. - Oh, you'll be sorry if you do.

I'll be sorry if I don't.

All night long.

I tell you I'm frantic with worry.

If you think of anything...

Well, it's obvious she thinks you've failed her.

She's confused.

And in her confusion

she'll turn to the one person she can trust.

Yours truly. Just calm down, elcott.

We're doing everything we can.

If your wife feels in any danger,

no offence, it's me that she'll come to for protection.

Miss Serena.

- Oh, what a sweet name. - Thank you.

I always think that names have a great influence...

Who do you think... ow!

Alright, let me... watch out.

I'm not afraid of you, you big bully.

The idea of an old woman taking a...

Shame on you!

Shatterproof, ha!

Shut that damn thing off!

Thank you.

Oh, my fertile eggs and my yogurt. I'll sue you.

Now let's see who's under this ridiculous-looking mask.

She didn't say nothin' about nose-tweaking

when she give me the ten bucks.

She? Who?

A practical joke, she said, and I believed her.

Her with those big, sad brown eyes,

and how she could cry.

What did she look like?

Young, pretty, white evening gown

and about so big.

Penelope.

- Oh! - Darling, it's me.

It isn't you.

We've been robbed. Back there while we were all up here.

Penelope.

Elcott, wait a minute.

I know. Follow the cab.

No, no, I'm looking for a girl.

Who ain't?

And she'd have just come out of the bank.

- With a real nice wiggle? - Yes, yes.

Which, which-which way did she go?

Downtown.

Downtown?

What you starin' at, Mac?

That face.

Oh, for-for a moment, you looked just like my wife.

And I thought mine was a dog.

Downtown, you said?

Uh, take me to centre street, police headquarters.

Penelope?

I was right. You came to me.

Who else would I come to?

You want me to go ahead without you?

Listen, you're not gonna believe this,

but somebody just knocked over your husband's bank.

Well, you won't believe this, but I believe you.

You robbed your husband's bank?

Twice.

Sergeant, I just solved the elcott case.

When I grow up, I wanna be a cop just like you.

You'll have to release honeysuckle now, won't you?

Scout's honor.

I'm going, I'm going.

Well, I, uh, I guess we won't be seeing one another anymore.

Aren't you gonna arrest me?

Not unless the bank president presses charges,

which is hardly likely.

Thank you, Horatio.

You're welcome, Penelope.

Well, it was a great criminal career while it lasted.

One of the best.

Mr. elcott, come on in.

I've never seen you take a drink before 5:00.

It's gotta be 5:00 someplace.

But you're not Penelope.

Hear that?

And this guy sends his wife to the crazy doctor.

I don't think whisky's your answer.

Gregory.

Gregory?

I told him you would turn to me.

Oh, who else could I turn to?

Thank heaven you're safe and sound.

Safe but not sound.

Gregory, I'm really frightened.

There must be something terribly wrong with me.

I mean, I just cannot get it through my head

that I didn't actually steal all those jewels.

And yet I know I couldn't have.

You did steal the jewels.

They stuck the insurance companies

with their claims but good,

so naturally, they didn't want the stuff back.

Then I'm completely cured.

You are?

Yes. Didn't I tell you?

I just finished robbing James' bank again.

But you're completely cured?

Of course.

Because the whole time I was doing it

I was crying like anything.

Don't you get it?

You see, the stealing didn't make me cheerful anymore.

It made me feel rotten.

So that means I'm not a kleptomaniac.

Isn't that wonderful?

That's terrible.

No more stealing. No more hobbies.

No more marriage.

Just feeling rotten.

Is that wonderful?

What next?

Well, you could marry me.

I know it sounds unethical,

and you'd probably have difficulty

readjusting me from a father figure

to a lover image.

And I'm probably too tall for you.

Too old.

I'm sure you don't have enough closet space

for my clothes in your apartment.

I do snore a lot and...

I have this ulcer.

Dr. knoblock!

I need help!

How could you do this to me, Penelope?

You know I can't stand rejection.

Penelope.

Dr. mannix.

Uh, you, you've got to help me.

Everywhere I look, all I can see is Penelope.

In the bank, in the cab, at the police station.

And just now when I came in,

even you looked like Penelope to me.

I know it's all mixed up with loving her and missing her

and, and feeling guilty

about shoving her aside for that stupid bank.

I probably shouldn't be boring you with all this.

Oh, no, don't stop now.

You're just getting to the good part.

Ah, now I'm really gone.

You even sound like her.

If there was only some way, if I could only find her

and tell her how much I need her.

Dr. mannix, you need help.

Everybody does these days.

The only difference is, we well-adjusted

maladjusted ones realize it in time.

And besides, the best help of all

is the kind you can only get at home.

What does it mean when you forget your shoes?

- Well... - It means we're cured, darling.

Jj picture a girl whose life is as crazy as a mad magician ij

jj this is Penelope jj jj this is Penelope... jj'j07