Original subtitles

[Music playing]

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[Seagull calling]

Things haven't been going so well for me lately

and if I come out of the closet,

things aren't going to be getting any better.

Don't you sometimes wish

you could just live inside your head?

I've always imagined my life as a movie.

The problem with my imagined movie

is I think it might be boring, so I'd add helicopters.

Helicopters makes every movie great.

And naked girls. Ladies.

'Cause if my story is R-rated,

might as well go for a full "R."

Nobody's going to believe a guy like me

would have naked girls and helicopters.

Fellas from LA or New York, where they take chances,

yeah, maybe, but I'm just a guy from Chicago.

Did I mention I was a great football player?

People here, they don't stray from the blueprint.

- [Crying] - You're born.

You go to school.

You get a job.

You meet a girl.

You marry the girl.

You have a baby.

You move to the suburb...

and die.

My story, my story's an Irish Catholic story.

A gay Chicago Irish Catholic story.

[Quiet chatter]

That's my eldest brother, Father Jack.

The nice thing about having a brother as a priest

is that no matter how big a jackass I am,

I'm a lock to get into heaven.

You gonna save some for the guests?

That's my second oldest brother, Connor.

If we were the Corleones, he'd be Fredo.

Hey, can I help you out?

No. Go help Luke be the life of the party

while I stay back here, unload this.

That's Maggie.

She's youngest and only girl among four boys.

When we were kids, Maggie and I went on expeditions

in search of her lost penis.

We never found it.

[Kids yelling]

- Hey, hey. - What?

Got a little joke for ya.

Your jokes always gets us in trouble.

- Mm-hm. - This one's a clean one.

What kind of bees make milk?

I don't know.

Boobies.

[Laughter]

Go tell your Uncle Jim.

[Laughter]

BO Y: Boobies.

That's my older brother, Luke.

Luke's that rare oddity in an Irish family.

He can go out in the sun with something lower

than SPF 45 and not burn.

If gay marriage were legal in Chicago...

about as likely as the Cubs winning the series...

Luke would be my best man.

Find some cards. We'll go play some poker.

People have been dying for thousands of years,

and I'm sorry for your loss

is the best they can come up with.

I've been told being gay is easy nowadays.

Not in my family,

where the Pope and the President,

they're included in bedtime prayers.

Now that both of my parents have passed

all I've got left are my siblings.

It's gonna be weird not having him

chomping on that cigar

and encouraging Luke to tell silly stories.

Silly?

You know, everybody was so sad in the living room

and I couldn't help thinking that...

that's where Dad laid on the floor with that AB roller.

Aunt Rose, turn the camera off.

Oh, no!

- Here we go! - Here we go, Dad.

[Fart] Hello!

[Laughter]

Hello!

[Laughter]

We still going on the fishing trip?

Hell, yeah, we're still going on the fishing trip, Connor.

Dad would want us to.

It's not like it's the seventh game of the World Series.

Well, a fishing trip's a nice way to honor Father.

My brother, the Father, can you get away from your flock?

Ah, Father Dreary...

Father Jack here, can you cover for me this weekend?

Those altar boys are wearing me out...

especially that Hugo, he's got the tightest little ass.

Oh, come on, guys.

He made an altar-boy joke and he's a funny man.

I make one and I'm an asshole.

That's about right.

Nothing like an altar-boy joke to get a laugh, jackass.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

You know, I've got the third graders' confession

Friday morning. Let's go right after that.

Right, and leave the black suit at home this time

and thank you for letting me borrow the tie.

You should consider buying one.

Now, why I do that when I have you?

Jack, I noticed the new suit.

Armani, on sale.

- Uh-huh. - Very nice.

- To the old man! - BOTH: The old man.

May the road rise to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warmly on your face.

May the rains fall softly on your field.

And until we meet again...

ALL: May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Hello!

[Laughter]

Bobby, I don't know how much longer I can do this.

I know.

We have to do something.

My dad just passed away.

The excuse used to be that your dad was sick.

I know.

We agreed to do it after your father passed away.

Just give me a couple weeks.

Fine.

Carly is a lesbian, which makes us each other's beard.

Our five-year fake relationship

is like most people's real relationships,

based on lies and no sex.

I love you.

I love you.

No, I mean I really love you.

I'll see ya. Thanks.

[(music) Rock music playing]

(music) Yeah (music)

(music) Well, the wrecks, toss and mix (music)

(music) This old wheel keeps spinning round (music)

(music) Get your kicks, take my licks (music)

(music) This whole deal is lost and found (music)

(music) No surprise, tell me lies (music)

(music) I've been down this hole before (music)

(music) Criticize, apologize (music)

(music) Try to quit but I need more (music)

(music) And I'm two steps closer to midnight (music)

(music) And I'm not turning blue... (music)

Honey, I'm going to bed now.

Good night.

What can you be doing at this hour? Come to bed.

I'm working, honey.

You know, I've got to check the markets.

You're on that thing all night.

What, are you afraid to sleep with me?

Honey, it gives me the edge in the pit every day

and it pays the bills. Come on!

Whatever.

[Beep]

(music) Well, I wish I was, I wish was with you (music)

(music) Ah (music)

(music) Well, I wish I was, wish I was, wish I was (music)

(music) Wish I was, wish I was, wish I was (music)

(music) Wish I was, wish I was (music)

(music) Wish I was, wish I was (music)

(music) Wish I was, wish I was with you (music)

- Ah, what a beautiful day. - A beautiful day, huh?

You know, what shocks me is how you've been able to fool

your family into thinking you're straight

for as long as you have.

This is my boyfriend, Andy.

If he would keep public displays of affection private,

our relationship would be great.

Unfortunately, like a bad little kitty, he likes to get out.

- I think you're mad. - I'm not mad.

Sounds like you're mad.

Hi.

Mmm, hey.

I am so sorry, you know I wanted to go to your dad's funeral.

Oh, I know.

So, how are you two big gay fag homos doing?

I think, uh, one gay slur should cover it.

Uh, and we're sill incognito.

Oh. I don't know about you, Andy, but I think it's time.

I think all parties have been heard from now.

Bobby, I love you like the sister I never had really,

but if you do not come out to the boys up north this weekend.

I'm going to come up there and out you myself.

Out, damn spot, out.

Yeah, if you can tell me how to do it naturally.

We're going to be sitting there watching the Cubs game.

Sosa hits one out of the park, and as we're cheering,

I'm supposed to go, "Oh, you guys hold on a second, um,

I love to suck cock."

Actually, love's a little strong.

Fuck off.

Why don't I come up there with you and we can demonstrate it.

- Hello! - Mm-hm.

Did you order soup?

Uh, no.

Uh, French toast.

- French toast? - Yeah.

So, how'd you tell your family?

Actually, I didn't have to.

I did musical theatre in high school.

Ah.

All that butter on it.

Hi.

You guys got money on this race?

I do, and a lot.

Who are you rooting for?

20 bucks.

I'm rooting for number two, My Face.

- My Face? - Yeah, but I tell you what.

If My Face wins, I will buy drinks for you

and your girlfriends all night long. All right?

It's gonna be a good one, too.

All right?

- Mm-hm. - Check this out.

Let's go. Come on, number two.

Come on. Come on. Let's go.

- Come on. - Come on.

Come on. Come on.

- Come on. - Come on, man.

- Come on. - Come on.

- Come on. - Oh, yeah!

- Come on. - Come on.

- Come on. - Come on!

- Come on! - Here we go. Come on!

Come along now. Here we go! It's gonna be close.

Come on, My Face! Come on, My Face!

- Yes! - Come on, My Face!

- Yes! - Come on, My Face!

Come on, My Face! Come on, My Face!

Whoo!

Uh... eww.

- What? - What?

What? What?

Oh!

Well, fellas, you did it again.

Sir, thank you.

You know, I'm not really a religious person,

but I got to think that something like

somebody's sexuality's got to be like kind of

an insignificant detail up there in heaven.

I mean, if it's even half the place

you people crack it up to be.

Yeah, no, it's a great place...

you know, for those people that don't, uh...

sin against nature, the Church, and God.

Mmm. Mmm.

I don't know. I... I don't watch The 700 Club,

but... well, actually... no, that's a lie,

I watch it for the hair.

Yeah, great hair.

But, I mean, didn't Jesus hang out with, like, whores

and lepers and all other types of scum?

I heard that rumor.

Well, I would think that...

at the very least being gay falls into the category

of, you know, all of other types of scum.

Kiss me, scum.

Everyone always wants to know,

when did I first realize I was gay.

For me I knew I liked the sweet contrast of soft lips

and bearded cheeks the first time I kissed my Aunt Rose.

[Falsetto] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

Go ahead.

Father, um, sometimes I...

I spy on my grandmother taking a shower.

And my penis...

it shoots out straight like a number two pencil.

And then I rub my penis,

rub it like I'm trying to erase it,

rub, rub, rub, rub, three men in a tub.

Rub, rub, rub.

A little privacy please.

I'm gonna kick your fucking little ass.

I don't think priests should be saying

fucking little ass these days.

Get out of here.

[Falsetto] Um, hi, Father, um, I've got a question, Father.

When you touch me, do I have to confess that

or is that something you've got covered for me?

This has got to get old for you guys.

No, it does not, but I have a question.

What is the sense of having a brother who's a priest

if he doesn't give us any dirt once in a while?

Yeah!

Mrs. Dornhan can't say no to the cable guy.

Oh, I knew it!

She's a dirty, dirty lady.

[Laughter]

[Laughter, indistinct chatter, duck quacking]

Uh, I believe that's me.

[Laughter]

Where's your God now?

I got to cover your ass every time.

Horse shit!

Consider it a donation to the church.

Hey, I got a question for the church.

Has Lisa in the confessional...

ever confessed to, uh, faking an orgasm with you?

When I get nervous, my voice, it gets real high.

I'm afraid when I actually say, "I'm gay," only dogs will hear me.

- No. - Ha ha.

Thank God!

She has confessed to orgasming to the thought of other men.

Motherfucker, that's mean shit.

I don't know what you're laughing about.

Well, Carrie's very happy.

Yeah, if balls slappin' against her taint feels good.

[Laughter]

The Irish inch gets the job done.

I absolve you all of your sins.

Good night. I'm going to bed.

[High voice] Good night, Father Jack.

God, he sucks at cards.

Good God, he's never been good, but this was terrible.

The Lord could help him.

I saw it once at the swim club, it looked huge.

I was like seven years old,

and I was much more interested in all that pubic hair.

Oh. Well, you know what I mean.

Well, you guys, you guys are sitting here talking

about whether Dad passed on the small weenie gene and that's OK.

I mention his pubic hair, and I'm the asshole.

God damn it, every time.

I think it's time for me to go to bed, pussy.

Besides, I don't want to sit around

talking about Dad's weenie.

So, let's talk about you.

Thank you.

You gonna marry Carly any time soon?

I'm thinking, no.

Oh, I love it.

Every time Lisa wonders why I'm not as sweet as Bobby,

I just remind her how your commitment phobia

keeps Carly hanging on a string.

I'll give you a string to hang on.

[Mumbling]

Hey, did she give you the ultimatum yet?

I think I got that the other night.

Good for her.

Whose side are you on?

She's a good girl, Bobby.

Oh, they're all whores except Mom.

And Maggs.

Uh, um, hey!

Hey, I'm not saying that Maggie's a whore.

I think she's more of a victim of our times.

If she had been born when mom was born,

she would've gotten married instead of going to college,

which is key because, 'cause college is just another word

for girl whore making factory.

Ha ha.

[High voice] Fellas, I'm gay.

Ah, it's got to be lower.

[Low voice] Guys, I'm gay.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do with my girls?

Looking' for an answer here, boys.

Hey, I don't have daughters.

Why don't you check your weed for the answer?

Actually, my weed guy was all out,

but he gave me these mushrooms.

Never tried 'em but he said they are good.

Care to partake?

I'm gonna skip. Going to bed.

Connor?

Oh, man, I'm... I'm out.

All right, if you guys come out here

and my pants are still around my ankles,

just give me the courtesy of throwing a blanket over me.

- Good night. - Good night.

Oh, they taste like crap.

[Mutters]

[Fluid trickling]

Get the fuck out of here, you son of a bitch!

- What is that? - Fuck off!

What the fuck! Get the fuck out of my house!

Fuck you, you fuckin' animal!

You think you can fuckin' come here

and piss all over my dad's house?

Luke! Luke! Luke!

Fuck me! If my dad were here,

he'd fucking kick your ass!

- Come on down from there, Luke. - Fuck off!

Fucking shit!

It's fucked up. What are you doing, Jack?

We're going to get down off the bed.

- Let's go. - Ow, fuck.

Come on. Down off the bed.

OK! Fuck off!

It's OK. He's gone. You did a great job.

We're got to set up a 24-hour watch, make sure that fucker

doesn't come back, try to pee on this house.

- I'll get the next watch. - Kick ass.

Come on, let's go to bed.

If you can't catch him, Jackie,

maybe you can keep him out of heaven, OK?

- Maybe I can... - 'Cause I don't want him.

Ha ha ha.

- Fuck off! - Shh!

I don't want him, you know, buggin' Mom and Dad.

This is bad enough pissing on the house.

- Bad. It's bad. - Kick ass.

Come on. Let's go to bed.

I know, I know. I love you, too.

Come on, let's go to bed.

If it was your dad, you'd be pissed.

- Let's go to bed. - I'm sorry, man.

- Would you guys shut up? - Don't be sorry, man.

I love you. You're OK.

Good job there, Luke.

Good night, you guys. I love you.

What the fuck was that?

Here, um, you take care of that.

Well, what am I gonna do with this?

I don't know.

I can't find shit in here.

I didn't do it, though.

You never do it.

Hey, someone's been messing with my line.

It wasn't me.

It's never you.

[Phone rings]

Hello.

Did you tell them?

Hey, hey, Maggs.

Maggs!

You didn't tell them.

Oh, you are such a pussy.

Ah, sweet of you to call. What's going on?

You are such a pussy.

Ah, you know what, hey, I'll give you a call next week

and, uh, we'll go from there. All right?

- I'll see ya. - Bobby, you have...

[Beep]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, man!

You didn't tell her about last night.

Uh, she sounded a little preoccupied.

It's probably that douchebag boyfriend of hers

bitching about something.

Ah, he's all right.

I don't like him either.

Ooh, an opinion.

An opinion from the politician finally.

I hate his stupid ass.

That's better. That's better.

Fuck him!

Wait, wait, no, wait, wait.

Oh, no, no, no, it's OK, start without me.

That's great!

I think we did start without you.

I think so.

We thought you needed some sleep there, big boy.

I got a good night's sleep. I'm OK.

I bet you got a good night sleep.

Who ratted me out to father say no to drugs?

Thank you, you're great.

Still doing drugs.

You know what, I hardly even smoke anymore.

Lisa says it makes me weird.

I don't think mushrooms are the answer, my friend.

You don't have any answers, man.

Luke, do you have anything for breakfast?

You're looking at it.

[Laughter]

Come on, loser, I'm sick of beating you.

Let's do something else.

[Laughter]

Shall we?

Sounds good to me, buddy.

All so good.

Did you see the Palsners' new boat?

I think our fishing's screwed over there

'cause of the sand bar counter tide.

Hey, look at Mrs. Palsner.

How you doin'?

[Music drowning out dialogue]

Go, go, go! Come on!

(music) So long ago (music)

[Music drowning out dialogue]

(music) Or so it seems (music)

(music) Well, we didn't need much, 'cause we had our dreams (music)

Go, go, go!

(music) Everything was simple (music)

Go, go, go! Come on!

(music) Life was so sweet So the baby don't show... (music)

- [Loud pop] - Bobby?

Bob?

[Bang]

Ahh!

- What happened? - What?

- He broke it. - No.

[Laughter]

You fuck!

Pull the string!

Bobby!

Thank you.

Whoo!

It's not like the subject ever comes up.

Oh, come on, Bobby.

Why are you so interested?

Because I'm tired of the secret.

I think secrets are good.

Yeah, well, I'm the keeper of the secrets, mister.

If you don't do it up there, I will.

I'd like to see you do that.

If you don't do it tonight, I'm coming up.

When did you become such a hard-ass?

[Chuckles] How's everything else?

It's good.

You know, a little bit weird but good.

Weird?

Yeah, you know.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

All right, you big fag, good luck.

I'll talk to you later. OK?

How are things with Gary?

I think I'm gonna break up with him.

Good for you!

Yeah, well, somebody's got to be tough.

You OK?

Yes. Stay focused on yourself, all right?

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

[Beep]

[Beep]

(music) The silence I've been feelin' (music)

(music) Is runnin' through my mind (music)

(music) There lies a new horizon (music)

(music) Can you help me find the way... (music)

- Jack! Jack! - Wait up! Wait up!

Jack, wait up, Jack!

Whoa!

Jack! Whoa, whoa, whoa, no!

Another perfect job there, buddy.

Thank you.

My, uh...

Perfectly done, son.

Have you ever been on a boat before?

I have spent many hours on a boat.

Uh, yeah.

Hey, you notice the lights on over at the Avery's?

Well, Mr. And Mrs. Avery are in Europe until October,

which means it's Holly.

As in make me jolly by sucking on my lolly Holly.

I remember.

You guys coming in?

I think we're going to hang out here a little bit.

I hope you didn't notice the lights on

over at the Avery house.

Oh, that guy's a jackass.

I think he's trying to watch a ball game.

I got a ball game for her.

[Laughter]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

OK. OK.

To the bedroom.

How do you know?

Lucky guess.

How many hours have you logged here?

A man needs a place to think. Ha ha ha ha!

Shh!

No, come on.

Oh, yeah!

You're angry at him, aren't you?

Come on, let me see.

Take it out on yourself.

- I can't see. - Yeah, you sure can't.

Oh, my God!

That little bra's constricting your freedom,

isn't it, sweet pea? You can take that right off.

Come to Papa.

[Chuckles]

Not bad, huh?

Hey, she looks pretty good.

Yeah, she might have gained a pound.

I won't ask how you know that.

Ha ha ha. That's right. You like the cream warm.

Don't you, sweetheart?

I know this is pathetic,

spying on a girl like this,

but you gotta understand,

I was a voyeur long before I knew I was gay.

It's really the only thing me and my brothers are good at.

She's completely shaven.

I think she's a swimmer.

Hey, where's she going?

- She's leaving. - Fuck!

Maybe she's getting a vibrator.

Has she done that before?

This is where fantasy and reality often collide.

OK, she's back.

Ooh, I think she saw me.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Yeah, get ready to lay down on the bed

and tickle yourself, you naughty girl.

- I can't see. - That's right. You can't.

Holy fuck!

All right, you've been there enough, just let me...

- Just give me... - Let me fucking look!

Did you just fucking push me?

- Yes. - Motherfucker.

'Cause you're not moving.

Shut the fuck up. Fuck you, fucking spy.

I'll fuck you up.

Yeah, I want to see!

Shh! Fucker!

I swear to God, I'll snap your goddamn neck.

OK. Move the fuck over, you son of a bitch.

[Bang]

- [Screaming] - MAN: What the hell was that?

You OK?

WOMAN: Ohh.

Hi.

Mom and Dad have gotta be looking down

beaming with pride right about now.

Well, we wouldn't have gotten caught

if you hadn't panicked like a Nancy.

I'm the Sally here?

Hey, I went through that window like I needed to see it.

All I saw was you on the ground holding your knee crying.

All an act.

Holly is a fix-a-broken-wing kind of girl.

She knew we were there.

She came back after calling the cops just to keep us there.

That icy cold exhibitionist whore!

She totally wanted me.

She doesn't even know you.

Oh, she knew me.

My name was danger.

And you, my friend were the forbidden fruit,

double D, every woman's dream.

Are you kidding?

Luke thought she fell.

He was being selfless.

Father Jack, she was about to fornicate with her boyfriend.

I was stopping her from having premarital sex.

I was doing the Lord's work.

Hey, big of you to wear the priest outfit.

It never hurts.

They're going to drop the charges

if you guys apologize tonight.

- Tonight? - Tonight.

Holly's so upset she can't go to sleep.

She can't go to sleep

because she wants my cock to tickle her ovaries.

Hey.

On behalf of my brothers.

You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

Holly tells me you have two young daughters.

You're an embarrassment.

I am.

And you're a priest.

I'll be...

praying for them.

We're sorry.

Boo!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

- Oh, Jesus. - Come on. Come on.

Come on, come on. Hey, hey.

We... We should knock on the door and do that again

and try it for real.

OK, OK.

So, that was good times.

Always good times with my brothers.

Love good times.

Telling them I'm gay would have been not good times,

which would be selfish of me.

It's not like heterosexuals come out

and scream their straightness to the world.

Don't judge me.

You can't even hold my hand in public.

I'm Irish.

So am I.

I'm not talking about some disgusting

amusement park make-out session.

I'm talking about just that random kiss that...

Andy has a right to be pissed at me,

but luckily he's a lawyer.

So, he sees things logically, not emotionally.

We're committed and we're collaborative and everything.

Maybe you find that boring, I don't know.

But it's...

Ah, shit!

It's never happened like this before.

All right, hugs and kisses always gets him to stay.

L... I have to...

Come on.

I'm sorry.

Now, I'm gonna say something stupid, really funny,

and you're gonna laugh and we're gonna stay together, OK?

That's what we're gonna do here.

Now you're gonna make me cry.

Don't do that.

I love you, Bobby.

I'm concerned, but I think I did it.

I think he's staying.

I'm money.

Good-bye.

I'm tired of being in the closet.

I've become so detached from my feelings

I'm not sure I can feel anymore.

For example, Andy and I just broke up

and all I can think about is,

I've never been dumped before.

Technically, did he really dump me?

It's not like he stopped loving me or got bored of me.

It was my actions that forced him to leave,

so in a sense, I really dumped him.

Which means I win.

See what I mean?

If I really love Andy,

then why am I so relieved that we broke up?

What do you think?

I, uh, I'm not usually supposed to talk.

- But... - We're all repressed.

Go ahead and speak.

The whole gay thing's a little weird,

but... look, I really can't talk, man.

Give me this.

Go ahead and speak.

All right.

You're fucked!

You got a guy...

person that loves you completely and trusts you.

You're a tough guy to love

and instead of loving him with all your heart,

all you're concerned about

is how your family's gonna deal with it.

Look here, man, fuck your cracker-ass family!

It ain't intended for love to be hidden, man.

Have you looked in Andy's eyes?

Yeah, he's got real pretty eyes.

Yeah, you know, they're all right.

They're cool.

He's got a really great body.

If you say so, man!

You know what I really love?

I love when we're alone.

We can sit in a room together for hours

and we never have to say a word

and don't feel uncomfortable,

like I need to fill the air with words.

I'm so tired of being alone.

Someone tell you that looks good?

Someone tell you that dressing like a shlub

will convince people you're not gay?

Why don't you say that a little louder?

Oh, please.

Where's your suck-hole boyfriend?

We broke up.

What was it this time?

He wants to get married.

Maggs, you're almost 30.

And?

You've been datin' the guy off and on for four years.

So, I should marry him out of sympathy?

Is there a better reason?

You gonna stretch?

I think I'm gonna pull something new.

Let's go.

So, uh, was he, like, all dramatic?

Get on his knee. Pull out the, uh, ring?

He's far too much of a pussy for that.

Ha! He's so much better off without you.

How could I possibly focus on getting married

when I'm so preoccupied with outing you?

About that.

Yeah, about that.

I think we should do it tomorrow night at Mom and Dad's.

You know, we've got to split up their stuff.

I don't know.

With Andy and I breaking up, I just don't have the motivation.

Andy thought that would be the motivation.

What?

Wasn't that a fabulous ass?

Oh, please.

Maggs, I'm different. I've changed.

I don't even know if I'm gay.

Ha ha ha. Stop it.

You are so gay. Don't worry about it.

I took a week off from work due to my dad's death.

Perfect time to start a new job.

This is the perfect time to start a new job.

These are my cameras.

I've been collecting them for about 30 years.

- Beautiful! - Yeah.

Love cameras.

I'm excited to have you here.

Ah, thank you. I appreciate it.

So, I was talking to your brother, Luke,

and, uh, he said you weren't happy.

Bobby, I know we're not as big here

as what you're used to over at Fish, Vine and Rudolph,

but we're offering you a partnership.

Thank you.

Uh, if you can just give me a week.

I'll, uh, I'll have an answer for you.

Fine. Take a week. No problem.

I don't want to blow smoke up your ass,

but you're about the most talented young architect

I've ever met.

Thank you.

Speaking of blowing smoke up somebody's ass.

Things still a little bit funny over at Fish, Vine and Rudolph?

The nature of the business.

The nature of the business.

I'm only telling you this because you're Luke's brother.

My two partners, Charlie and Sam,

they're a little bit, uh, funny.

Look, don't get me wrong. They're talented.

They're great, but there's three partners here

and two of them I feel have formed

some sort of gay alliance against me.

I need somebody on my team.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

I get along with those guys great, professionally. Huh.

But I can't go out for a beer with them.

OK?

You I can go out for a beer with.

You're a beer guy.

You like beer don't ya, Bobby?

I'm Luke's brother.

You're Luke's brother.

You love beer.

Beer is in your blood.

You're probably drunk right now, you crazy fuck.

All right, everything you need to know, it's in here.

All right? Take two weeks if you want to.

We want you here.

Thank you.

We'll see.

So, I got a plan how we're gonna out you.

I knew I should've gone with Judy's pizza.

I'm telling you if they had had this technology

when Jesus was alive, there would be no doubting Thomases.

I don't think this is good for my diet.

And we're doing it tomorrow.

And I'm staying over tonight so you don't chicken out.

I don't have any room for you in my apartment.

Then I will share your bed.

That's a little weird.

So it is.

What do you think of this?

- I don't know. - It's hip, it's cool, it's in.

- Really? - He's a priest.

- He doesn't know. - Ha ha ha.

Nice to have everybody here.

Another round?

Yeah.

You are never too drunk to be pilfering

your dead parents' house for goods.

Another round?

Any time I've had to make a big decision in my life

I've blown it.

Melissa Shepherd's seventh-grade pool party? I wore a USA Speedo.

For senior year prom I lathered myself in fake tan bronzer.

The only parts of my body that didn't turn freakishly orange

were the parts I missed.

So when Maggie told me she had an idea

on how to tell the boys I'm gay, I listened.

Her idea... pictures.

I'm not sure I've ever done anything more stupid.

What are you trying to say?

That I'm gay.

Dude, you should have saved this for April 1st.

If you are gay, this is completely inappropriate.

And if it's a joke, it's sick,

tasteless, and completely inappropriate.

Where are you going, Jack?

I'm not going to stick around to find out the answer.

You should be ashamed.

Hey.

[Door slams]

You know, um...

I think he's just a little too overwhelmed to see

it's a prank, which, in my mind, makes it the perfect prank.

Well, this little slide show has given me something

to talk to Johnny and Mark about

while I tuck them into bed tonight.

I got to go.

Please, you see worse than this every day.

A woman with a buffalo doesn't affect me like this.

Luke, let's go.

He's my ride.

I don't think Jim Jones could have cleared out a room

with fruit punch as fast as this.

Very nice work, guys.

See ya.

So?

Well, look at it like this...

think of their homophobia as cancer and, uh...

the slide show was a very aggressive form of chemotherapy.

I'm sorry.

[Sirens]

Hey, Rose, how are you today?

You look good.

I like your outfit.

I know the game starts in about an hour,

so I promise I'll be brief.

[Laughter]

The important part of John's gospel

was to focus on how the large multitude

that were following Jesus at the time decided to leave.

Come on.

I look gay in this spandex, don't I?

You've always looked gay to me.

You didn't know I was gay when we first met.

Maggie told me.

That fucking bitch.

She's got such a big mouth.

MAN: Come on, kids.

So, how'd your brothers take it?

I think the slide show was a bad idea.

You think?

Did you tell 'em I was a lesbian?

Uh, no.

They didn't even ask about me?

No.

That's gonna be weird for me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You wanted to talk about you, didn't you?

We would've never worked as a couple.

No. Ha ha.

I'd want a more statuesque kind of man.

I look fucking stupid in this stuff.

It was such a good idea this morning.

You know, some day the chunky Howdy Doody look

is gonna be in and you're going to wish you were a gay man.

I don't think so.

Turn around. Let me see your ass.

- Don't touch me. - Don't worry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if you would please join me at the baptismal font.

Where's Bobby?

He couldn't make it.

So the other night was a failed attempt at Bobby coming out.

Then how'd you know?

Could you keep a secret like that without telling someone?

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name,

thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth...

OK, let's say Bobby's gay...

He's gay.

Let's say he's bisexual, 'cause he's got Carly.

She's a lesbian.

That little vixen.

Do you reject Satan and all his works?

[Baby crying]

Does she have a girlfriend?

So Bobby's gay?

Yes.

So what do you want from us?

Are you kidding me with that question?

When Johnny was born 10 weeks early,

Bobby spent so much time at the hospital

the nurses thought he was the father,

and you don't even think about asking me a question like that.

Do you believe in the Father, the almighty?

The maker of heaven and earth.

It's not that easy for us.

What's not that easy?

You look at having a gay brother like a badge of honor.

A badge of honor? It's your brother.

Well, I guess I'm just not as liberal as you are.

Oh, come on, Connor.

You've seen worse than that on the internet.

Not guys.

Not on purpose.

When two guys go at it, it makes my sphincter shrink

so small I shit spaghetti.

I baptize you in the name of the Father,

the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

I shared a bedroom with the guy for 18 years.

OK, I got gaydar. I know gay.

Bobby ain't gay.

I will get you the phone number of his boyfriend Andy.

Boyfriend?

A good prank has many levels of detail.

Are you serious, Luke?

Fine. You give me the number. We'll give him a call.

We'll call him.

Can you get me those pictures?

- You're disgusting. - Just give me the pictures.

[Baby crying]

Do you have any pictures of Carly?

Stop it.

[Baby crying]

These are the moments when being gay

and relating your life to a movie gets tough.

[Dialing]

[Coughing]

Hey, Ands, it's me, just, uh, checking in with you.

In one of those, uh...

[Music drowning out dialogue]

So, uh...

hey.

Just called to say hey and just check in with you.

Give me a call when you get a chance.

[Music drowning out dialogue]

I'll see you.

[Beep]

You know what scene I got playing through my head?

Me running through the streets like Billy Crystal

in When Harry Met Sally and getting Meg Ryan.

Auld Lang Syne playing in the background.

[Telephone rings]

[Beep]

Hello?

Hey, Maggs. What's going on?

Can I come over?

All right.

[Beep]

I'll wax poetic later.

Jimmy, my man. What have you got for me?

The latent image has no inconsistencies

in the grain structure.

Give it to me straight.

The pictures haven't been altered.

Don't pull any punches.

Your brother's a fag.

I've erased all evidence of the pictures from my computer

and mum's the word. See ya at softball Sunday.

[Computer chiming]

Fuck.

[Telephone rings]

[Beep]

Hey.

Hey.

So, those pictures are real.

Yeah, no shit.

I feel like a fucking loser.

We're way past that now.

Hey, you think if I beat him up,

I'd get charged with a hate crime?

You'll have to talk to Maggie about that.

All right, well, I gotta go.

All right, see you on the floor tomorrow.

Yeah, fuck off.

You fuck off.

[Beep]

[TV] (music) 800-588-2300, EMPIRE (music)

You really watch sports when you're alone?

The curse of four brothers.

Do the guys of Chicago know what a great chick you are?

Sadly I think you are the only one.

Now, of course, if this were the Middle Ages,

and you and I were royals...

Listen, I had to messenger those slides over to Luke

'cause he still thinks this whole thing is a joke.

He's already seen 'em.

I didn't want to take those pictures and now all of a sudden

I've got this random messenger delivering naked pictures of me

going to his office for show and tell.

Yeah, but you look really good in that second one.

I did look kind of good there.

[Dialing]

[Telephone rings]

Hey, it's Bobby. I'm not in right now.

Leave a message and I'll call you back.

You goddamn motherfucker.

Keeping a secret like this from me.

What kind of prick are you?

Like we're not close enough for you to confide in me?

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Bobby.

I can only imagine what other lies you've got going on.

You were the... best man at my wedding.

And you're... gay?

Fuck!

I, uh...

I got to question everything now.

All the times we were laughing and talking about chicks

and shit and you were just faking it?

Great.

Thanks, motherfucker.

Hope you're proud.

Good work, jack-off.

Tell you what, stay away from me and my family.

[Beep]

Perfect timing. I just got here a couple of minutes ago.

What, do you think I only had one key to your place?

Please.

So start talking.

I'm just going to eat my ice cream.

I'm all talked out.

That's what I heard.

Maggie?

Of course.

She's got such a big mouth.

And a bigger heart.

There's nothing more important to her

than keeping your family together.

A lofty goal these days.

We good?

We're great.

Good.

So, do you want to tell me how it went?

You want to take a bath?

Yeah.

You got to call your therapist and see if it's OK?

Mm-mm.

Bring your ice cream though. I got an idea.

[Whistles]

- Do you want some water? - No.

How 'bout a juice box? I got cherry.

- No. - Cheerio's?

No.

- I got fruit loops. - No.

- Do you want any of that? - No.

- You're not hungry? - No.

- You don't want to have Cheerio's? - No.

- Want to eat a bug? - No.

Go long! Go long! Look up!

Look up! Look up!

You yell like a girl, man.

Who wants Chinese food?

Not me.

Who wants, uh, spaghetti?

Not me.

Who wants waffles?

Not me.

- You're not hungry at all? - No.

I want waffles.

Hee hee hee.

Go over there. Go try that car out.

Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster!

Hey, do you think those gay genes are hereditary?

Why? 'Cause Johnny can't catch?

Johnny can catch.

Do you think about this Andy guy?

What, do you mean when I'm touching myself,

do I imagine what his strong hands would feel like on me?

- Yeah. - No.

I think Maggs is right, you know.

I just never considered myself to be prejudiced

- or homophobic or anti-gay or... - No, no, no.

Do you remember Jimmy?

- Jimmy Strong? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Great fucking guy. Right?

- Yeah. - Great guy.

Could you imagine if he was dating Maggie?

And I couldn't help thinking, uh...

who's this nigger fucking my sister?

Is that wrong?

Thanksgivings and Christmases, I can't explain to the kids

why Uncle Bobby and Uncle Andy are making out.

Well, I think gay people have manners.

Well, what gay people do you know?

It's common sense.

Two gay people are not going to make out

in front of ya without getting paid.

The truth is I just want things to be normal.

You know? And I know they can't be.

I mean, you and me, we can talk about our marriages and shit.

Like how Lisa secretly vowed on our wedding night

never to give me another blow job again?

I'm still working on Christmas mornings.

My family, your family, Jack and the altar boys.

Maggie and her eventual family.

Bobby and Andy.

That's weird.

And their Korean and Nicaraguan children.

Maybe it would help if we met Andy.

Talking with this Andy guy.

On the surface it would all be small talk,

but I know he'd be wondering

if all us Rileys have the same-size cock.

OK, that... that's weird.

Oh, you wouldn't be thinking that?

- No. - Oh, OK.

So, I'm the asshole for thinking that, huh?

Yes.

I'll be back later this afternoon.

- Hey. - I'm late.

- It's Thursday. - I know.

You know, it's almost been a week

and we're finalizing the will tomorrow with Mr. Burke.

- We are. - And you're going to see Bobby.

- I am. - Are you going to say anything?

Look, whatever I do, whatever I say,

it's going to be between Bobby and me.

Well, it's just that...

Maggie, I'm not going to stand here

and listen to a lecture from you.

The slide show was my stupid idea.

That was a bad idea.

It wasn't that bad of an idea.

Luke still doesn't believe he's gay.

He is gay.

I know.

Jack, Bobby idolizes you, all right?

He craves your acceptance.

Give it a rest.

Screw you.

I'll see you tomorrow at Mr. Burke's office.

You are the oldest.

You are supposed to be keeping this family together.

- Whatever you say. - Oh, that's fine.

I'll do your job. I'll keep the family together.

Your dad was a funny guy.

I don't have to tell you guys that.

- Hi, Maggie. - Hi.

- Bobby. - Mr. Burke.

- Good to see you. - Nice to see you.

OK, kids, no surprises here.

Your dad split up the estate equally amongst the five of you.

The house.

The cottage.

Life insurance.

His personal assets.

I've got something printed for each of you,

and he wrote something himself for each of you.

He wrote something?

You're talking about our dad, right?

Yeah, I thought it was kind of weird, too.

Your dad never wrote me a note

in the 25 years I was his lawyer.

Maybe his male nurse rubbed off on him or something.

Well, uh, if you have any questions,

feel free to call me. Otherwise, it's pretty straightforward.

- Take care. - Yeah.

Hey, I'll catch up in a second, Bobby.

- Thank you. - Sure.

So?

So?

- Thanks. - Sure.

Thanks again, Mr. Burke.

You're welcome. Take care.

Maggie?

Yeah.

There you go.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

What, did you pick a public place

'cause you thought I'd beat you up?

There's nobody here.

Why'd you tell him?

Bobby, everybody's got secrets.

What's yours?

That I can't keep them.

Ahh.

I'm sorry, all right?

- You should be. - I know.

I know I shouldn't have told him.

It's just I can't keep all this stuff bottled up.

I guess we just ran out of things to say.

A lull in the conversation,

and you fill it with, "Hey, Dad, Bobby's gay."

You know what, don't give me any shit, all right?

Screw you.

I took a leave of absence from my job,

which, by the way, I'm the youngest partner

in that law firm's history,

so that I could take care of him everyday for two months.

Who else did you tell?

Nobody. Just Dad.

I have a feeling he took it to the grave.

That's bad.

Are you really mad at me?

I should be.

Don't get queeny.

So, what did he say?

Oh, now you want to know what he said.

Don't pull that bullshit. Come on.

Promise you won't be mad at me anymore?

No.

Promise you'll still tell me your secrets?

You already said you can't keep your secrets.

So? I just have to tell one person.

I'll tell Aunt Rose, she's dying.

[Chuckles]

He was shocked.

And when he realized that I wasn't telling him a joke,

he said, "Well, I would've thought the three guys

"would've been gay before the kid.

The kid's always been so tough."

What else?

He asked me what I thought he should do.

And?

And then he laughed.

About what?

He told me the story about how Mom had brought home

a porno one time.

God, I'd like to see that.

Yeah.

I guess Mom brought home this porno

and Dad was kind of nervous about watching it,

so Mom says, "When that bedroom door is open,

"I need you to be a shining example of Catholicism,

but when that door is shut, I need you to be the devil."

And then he said,

"What people do behind closed doors is their business."

That's all he said?

That's all.

I don't think we should've picked

the Wiener Circle for this.

No shit, but if I'm coming to the north side, I'm coming here.

I keep looking for a guy in a masquerade outfit.

I keep looking for a big cock.

I don't think I can do this.

You're the one that talked me into this.

Connor? Luke?

Oh, hey. Andy. Yes.

- Luke Riley. - Connor.

Good to meet you.

- Riley. - Got it.

I'll get the dogs.

All right.

And then I'll get the cocks.

Oh, great, thanks a lot.

That's all I'm going to be thinking about.

Weird he noticed us from behind.

Cheese? Cheese?

So, how you doing?

I'm good.

How you doing?

Good.

Doing fine.

So, how long you been gay?

Well, that didn't take long, did it?

You like the Cubs?

- No. - I live for the Cubs.

My grandmother loved the Cubs. Never got to see 'em win a series.

My father was an Andy Frain last time

they were in the series, you know.

Back in '45.

So, what is it that you do, Andy?

I'm a lawyer.

Oh, we should set him up with Maggie.

See, we don't leave Connor alone with people very often.

Too uncomfortable.

So, have we seen you in commercials?

- No. - But you're an actor?

No, I'm a lawyer.

A litigator.

I went up against Maggie during her first trial

and that's how I got to know Bobby.

So, this is all Maggie's fault.

And... Bobby was gay then?

Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure.

You guys... you guys don't know any gay men, do you?

I've seen Will & Grace a few times.

I mean, Carrie has it on.

Did you know that funny gay guy, he was from Chicago?

Hmm.

And you guys had no idea that Bobby was gay?

And what did you hope to accomplish with this meeting?

Look, I don't want to make you guys feel uncomfortable but...

Too late.

But...

I'm in love with your brother.

Oh, man, I never thought I would hear that one.

Look, I don't want to seem rude,

but it seems like you guys don't understand

how wonderful Bobby is.

Wonderful sounds so...

Gay.

Yeah.

Look, Bobby's the same guy he's always been.

He loves his sports.

He loves the Cubs.

He loves the Broncos.

BOTH: Bears.

Look, yes.

The Bears and, uh...

So, Bobby's the straightest gay guy in Chicago?

It's like being the smartest retard.

Well, Bobby doesn't get his wit from the wind, huh?

Or his big dick?

Ha ha.

Uncomfortable.

You just made a retard joke and that's OK?

I make the big dick joke and I'm an asshole?

Do you see any retards here?

Hey, guys, you shouldn't make an asshole joke around me.

I'm kidding.

[Laughter]

He got you there.

Yeah, I'm gonna check on those dogs.

- OK. - Yeah.

So, Bobby has no idea that we're meeting, huh?

Well, I'm happy to answer any questions you've got,

but I really think you should be talking to Bobby.

And don't hate me,

but the other night you left a message on Bobby's machine

and I erased it...

before Bobby had a chance to hear it.

Thank you.

OK, here we go.

Now...

how much of this do you think I can get all the way

down my throat without gagging?

I'm kidding.

Luke and Connor are quite strange.

What? Did you just read that?

No, I met with them yesterday.

At their request.

At the Weiner Circle.

- How subtle of them. - Hmm.

You know, I think in their own little way, though,

that they're OK with you now.

Oh, and I've been working on our vows.

Bobby?

Hey, Bobby.

- Hey, how are ya? - Charlie. How are you?

Good to see ya.

When I didn't hear from ya, I thought you got a better offer.

- Yeah. - No, not at all.

- So... - Please sit down.

All right, great.

Uh, I just wanted to check in with you guys

and make sure the offer's still good.

- You bet. - Absolutely.

Great. Before I say yes,

I just need to tell you something.

OK.

I'm gay.

Bobby, you don't need to share that with us.

Your personal life is your own.

Appreciate that.

I just wanted to tell you, so it wouldn't be a problem.

Not a problem!

Please! We welcome that here.

All right, great.

I can't tell you how excited I am.

I'll give my old job two weeks

and then if I can start here on the 1st, that'd be great.

- Sounds great. - The 1st it is!

- Welcome aboard. - Thank you.

- All right, partner. - Thank you, Charlie.

- I appreciate it. - Congratulations.

Hey, hey.

I'd still love to have beers with ya.

You bet!

Beers!

You bet.

Thanks, guys, I'm gonna get back there

and act like I'm, uh, you know, still working

and, uh, I'll see ya in two.

- See ya soon. - All right, partner.

All right, congratulations. Good job.

Believe me, you guys had more to do with it than me.

You and your little community.

[Laughter]

All right, boys, these two are on the house.

Hey, thank you.

You're welcome.

Your dad is really going to be missed around here.

Thank you. What's your name?

- I'm Jerry. - Jerry, Luke, Connor.

You're new.

I am, but my brother Larry used to work here.

Long Dong Larry.

Hey, how is Long Dong doing?

He's good. He's fine.

You should have a drink with us.

- I probably shouldn't. - Quick, quick, quick one.

- There you go. - You and you and me.

- To Dad. - To Dad.

To your dad.

Hmm, and hot chicks.

Oh, yes.

Oh, wait, wait, to obligatory marriage sex on Saturday night.

It's all we got.

All right, where's Long Dong?

Long Dong was raising fighting roosters in Puerto Rico

for a while and then he developed

a bizarre lung disease, so we're not quite sure

what's going on with him.

- You said cock fighting? - Yeah.

- That sucks. - In Puerto Rico?

Yeah.

He thought it was the other kind of cock fighting,

but he still stayed in Puerto Rico.

Did you inherit your brother's long dong?

Oh, you did!

Here's to inheriting the long dong!

I'll drink to that.

Ireland is a cold country, we got the Irish curse.

To the angry inch!

All right!

Please.

Hmm.

Here's to having a gay brother who would love your long dong!

Hee hee.

It's late. I got to go.

Another brother.

I got to clean up.

We got two.

One's a priest. And one's gay.

Three hours of toasting and you got to go gay?

I thought we were all drunk enough.

Look, look, I'm not... I'm not good with words.

You got a lot of love, buddy. You make up for it in love.

Dad mention anything to you in his letter?

What?

Maggie's got a big mouth.

What? What did she tell him?

She said I was addicted to internet porn.

It's not funny.

- It's funny. - It's not...

Well, Dad... it's OK with Dad.

She told him I was a pothead.

Oh, what a bitch.

Is nothing sacred?

He wrote the most beautiful thing, though.

Yeah, me, too.

So unlike Dad.

You know, two hours of surfing porn a night

doesn't constitute an addiction.

You keep telling yourself that, buddy.

You're really going to go cold turkey?

Hmm, yep.

You want a computer?

You want a half-pound bag?

Dad mention anything to you about Bobby?

I was just thinking that, uh...

you know, if Dad's OK with it, who the hell are we?

Yeah.

Man, I never knew Dad was so, uh... sensitive.

- A strange man. - Strange man.

Good man.

- To you, my brother. - To you, brother.

Hey, here's to Dad.

To Dad.

Go long! Go long!

I'm open! I'm open!

Thank you.

Give it back. Come on.

Here he is! Here he is!

There's the man!

Playground closed?

Yes, you're late for the alternative altar-boy competition.

There's a lot of horny kids in there.

What's going on?

I came to return the tie I borrowed.

Thank you.

I forgot it.

And I just wanted to, uh, let you know

that I had the pictures checked out, and they're real.

Of course they are.

I just want to confirm that.

Luke and I met Bobby's, uh, what do you call him?

- Boyfriend. - Yes.

- Lover. - Yes.

- Fudge packer. - Partner.

Luke and I, we liked him.

I'm sure he's a nice guy.

He is.

Jack, come on we're not going to be singing Kumbaya

with his friends or anything, but you know...

You know, if you guys are expecting me

to jump on the bandwagon with this, I'm sorry, but I can't.

Oh, come on. Half the priesthood's gay.

So?

Oh, it's OK for them?

You guys have some idea that being a priest means

I'm a catechism robot.

That I can just extinguish my feelings

for some strict interpretation of the rules.

- Yes. - Well, here's a funny rule for ya.

Homosexuality is not wrong in the eyes of the church.

Homosexual acts are.

Well, you're kind of splitting pubic hairs there, Jack.

Maybe so.

Bobby and I are going to work this out in our own way.

Luke and I are going to express our understanding

in our own way, too.

Yes, and just to confirm,

the negative ratio of the exposed image is pure.

- Jack. Jack. - Jack. Jack.

Jack!

It's all right.

You know what?

Shh. Shh.

- Let's go. - All right, let's go.

So, that was a good dinner.

- Did you like it? - Yeah.

- Andy's meeting us here? - Yeah.

[Lively chatter, loud music playing]

What's this?

[Chuckles]

Just go.

- Maggie? - Hey! Hey!

[Cheering]

Hey!

This is the snap shot I should remember,

but let me back it up.

Back, back, back, back.

Right there. Stop.

A little bit forward.

You see the poster?

That's my brother's handwriting.

Imagine the planning that went into that.

[Cheering]

Bobby!

[Music drowning out dialogue]

Their bodies make me want to cry.

This is not the way I envisioned it, guys.

I don't know if I should be happy, sad, or pissed.

Be happy.

Oh, it's a lot of emotion for one man,

but, you know, you are gay!

[Cheering]

Hey.

Too much?

No.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[Cheering]

Times like this make me want to dance.

[Music playing]

I'd like to make a toast...

to Andy and Bobby.

Your friendship and your love is...

it's an inspiration.

A motivation for those of us who haven't yet found

the perfect partner,

but looking at the two of you,

I know that it's out there.

To true love.

- ALL: True love. - [Cheering]

I didn't mean to hide it from you guys.

It's not like it just came up.

Hey, we lived together. We shared a room.

I'm sorry.

All right.

It's OK.

What about Jack?

Oh, well, this is how Connor and I are going to deal with it.

You and Jack, you've got to figure out your own way.

So the gay thing, it...

I don't want to sound all enlightened and profound,

but, uh... a cock in another guy's ass or mouth,

that's going to wake some of us up.

Some more than others, you know?

He really shouldn't be drinking.

Or going out in public, either one.

You can pick one, but you can't do both.

I'm all right.

You know, I've heard of people surprising others by coming out,

but I've never heard of the surprise coming-out party.

Hello!

You want that?

Yeah. I'm good.

Hey, just between us three...

are you pitching or catching?

Ha ha ha.

That's a fair question.

That's a very good question.

No. You... Do you...

[Bell chiming]

Hello, Bobby.

How'd you know it was me?

I know everything.

You guys got some little security system back there.

Don't you?

Would you like to confess?

Not really.

Well, that's kind of the thing people do in here.

I don't have anything to confess.

We all have something to confess.

What do you need to confess?

You're not qualified to know.

So, I've got to be a priest

so you can open up to your own brother?

Oh, you're going to start lecturing me

on opening up to your brothers?

Your family, your sister?

I told Maggs.

Yeah, I know.

Let me guess, that pisses you off

I told her and didn't tell the rest of you.

Everything's not a competition.

What family did you grow up in?

You know what, after the last few weeks, I'm not so sure.

Cut your little "Good night, John Boy,"

holier-than-thou priest bullshit.

Hey, I can't stop being a priest.

And I can't stop being gay.

No, but you can stop performing homosexual acts.

What's the purpose of being gay?

I'm a celibate heterosexual priest.

Yeah, and that stopped you guys from having sex with everyone.

We're not talking about other priests.

We're talking about me.

Maybe this isn't the place or the time to talk about this.

Oh, no. That's convenient for you.

You know, everyone has this really rigid view

of how priests are supposed to think.

Dad, in his letter to me in the will,

told me I should accept you with open arms.

Like I could ever stop loving you.

But that doesn't mean I'm not praying for you.

I'm praying every day that you make a better choice.

Yeah, that's what I need, your condescending sympathy.

Jack, I just want things to go back to the way they were.

How can you expect me to look the other way

when I know you're sinning?

If God's so against homosexuality,

then why did he make me gay?

You choose to be gay.

Hell, no. It's who I am. Just like you're a priest.

That's my calling.

Being gay is my calling.

Really?

Then why did you hide it from Dad?

I didn't want to be blamed for his death.

I loved Dad, Jackie...

but I didn't know how to tell him.

Hey, Dad, you're dying but before you die,

I gotta do something for me,

'cause it's never about you, it's always about me.

You lost the love of your life way too early,

but you didn't make that about you.

You made that about us.

You weren't a hugger,

but you hugged me every day for a whole year

because I cried about losing Mom.

Not once did I ever think, oh, hug Dad

'cause he lost his wife,

'cause it was always about me, it wasn't about you.

Exactly.

Don't blame me, Jack.

For the first time in my life, by not telling him,

I was thinking about him, instead of me,

which didn't matter because Maggie,

who keeps a secret about as well as a whore

keeps her legs closed, she told him.

He didn't care.

He just wished we were closer

so I could've felt more comfortable to tell him.

Just like a homo to get all sappy, huh?

I could make this big dramatic moment and slam the door,

but that's not me, Jack.

I'll see ya.

You forgot to, uh, bless yourself with the holy water.

Hey, kid, the holy water cleanses you

with the grace of the Holy Spirit.

So, there you have it.

My gay Chicago story.

Now, if my life were a movie,

I'd probably cue some cool music.

[Music playing]

And show some people loving me.

Like my co-workers.

That's something to celebrate!

Good for you! [Mouths]

And my family.

[Music drowning out dialogue]

And of course Andy.

Everyone here knows you're gay anyway, Bobby!

Everybody knows. It's in your little walk.

They see it.

Andy's therapist would tell me that my life isn't a movie...

that everybody doesn't love me.

I don't save the day, I don't get the guy,

and I most definitely don't ride off into the sunset.

Andy's therapist...

he can go fuck himself.

OK, see ya next week.

OK, I got to tell you a secret.

Don't tell anyone.

When I was in high school,

I learned how to forge Dad's handwriting.

You know, so I could write myself notes

to get out of class.

You know those letters the boys got in the will?

Yeah, Dad didn't write those.

I did.

All right, bye.

(music) Yeah (music)

(music) Well, the wrecks, toss and mix (music)

(music) This old wheel keeps spinning round (music)

(music) Get your kicks, take my licks (music)

(music) This whole deal is lost and found (music)

(music) No surprise, tell me lies (music)

(music) I've been down this hole before (music)

(music) Criticize, apologize (music)

(music) Try to quit but I need more (music)

(music) And I'm two steps closer to midnight (music)

(music) And I'm not turning blue (music)

(music) I'm two steps closer to midnight (music)

(music) A stranger in my shoes (music)

(music) You know I do it all right (music)

(music) If I knew just what to do (music)

(music) Well, I'm two steps closer to midnight (music)

(music) I wish I was, I wish was with you (music)

(music) Flip the bird, thin the herd (music)

(music) I don't need it anymore (music)

(music) Speak the word, feel absurd (music)

(music) It's all coming true (music)

Oh, hey, you think I forgot about you guys?

So, yeah, I'm gay.

And the problem with making the movie of my gay life

is there won't be any action.

No stunts.

Like a gay Fie Hard.

Now that'd be good, but you try raising money

for Raider's of the Lost Ark

meets Billy's First Hollywood Kiss.

So settle for two guys talking about their feelings

in a gay artsy way.

No stunts.

Ninjas!

[Grunting]

The actor playing Bobby couldn't do this stunt.

That's why I'm here to finish his dialogue.

The penis is a very wonderful and tasty appendage.

- I can't say this shit! - [Horn blaring]

Ohh!

Hoo!

{{{the end}}}

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