All language subtitles for Outing Riley 2004-eng

[Music playing]

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[Seagull calling]

Things haven't been going
so well for me lately

and if I come out of the closet,

things aren't going
to be getting any better.

Don't you sometimes wish

you could just live
inside your head?

I've always imagined
my life as a movie.

The problem
with my imagined movie

is I think it might be boring,
so I'd add helicopters.

Helicopters makes every movie great.

And naked girls. Ladies.

'Cause if my story is R-rated,

might as well
go for a full "R."

Nobody's going
to believe a guy like me

would have naked girls
and helicopters.

Fellas from LA or New York,
where they take chances,

yeah, maybe,
but I'm just a guy from Chicago.

Did I mention I was
a great football player?

People here, they don't stray
from the blueprint.

- [Crying]
- You're born.

You go to school.

You get a job.

You meet a girl.

You marry the girl.

You have a baby.

You move to the suburb...

and die.

My story, my story's an Irish
Catholic story.

A gay Chicago
Irish Catholic story.

[Quiet chatter]

That's my eldest brother,
Father Jack.

The nice thing about having
a brother as a priest

is that no matter
how big a jackass I am,

I'm a lock to get into heaven.

You gonna save some
for the guests?

That's my second
oldest brother, Connor.

If we were the Corleones,
he'd be Fredo.

Hey, can I help you out?

No. Go help Luke be
the life of the party

while I stay back here,
unload this.

That's Maggie.

She's youngest and only girl
among four boys.

When we were kids,
Maggie and I went on expeditions

in search of her lost penis.

We never found it.

[Kids yelling]

- Hey, hey.
- What?

Got a little joke for ya.

Your jokes always
gets us in trouble.

- Mm-hm.
- This one's a clean one.

What kind of bees make milk?

I don't know.

Boobies.

[Laughter]

Go tell your Uncle Jim.

[Laughter]

BO Y: Boobies.

That's my older brother, Luke.

Luke's that rare oddity
in an Irish family.

He can go out in the sun
with something lower

than SPF 45 and not burn.

If gay marriage were
legal in Chicago...

about as likely as the Cubs
winning the series...

Luke would be my best man.

Find some cards.
We'll go play some poker.

People have been dying
for thousands of years,

and I'm sorry for your loss

is the best they
can come up with.

I've been told being gay
is easy nowadays.

Not in my family,

where the Pope
and the President,

they're included
in bedtime prayers.

Now that both
of my parents have passed

all I've got left
are my siblings.

It's gonna be weird
not having him

chomping on that cigar

and encouraging Luke
to tell silly stories.

Silly?

You know, everybody was
so sad in the living room

and I couldn't
help thinking that...

that's where Dad laid
on the floor with that AB roller.

Aunt Rose, turn the camera off.

Oh, no!

- Here we go!
- Here we go, Dad.

[Fart] Hello!

[Laughter]

Hello!

[Laughter]

We still going
on the fishing trip?

Hell, yeah, we're still going
on the fishing trip, Connor.

Dad would want us to.

It's not like it's the seventh
game of the World Series.

Well, a fishing trip's a nice way
to honor Father.

My brother, the Father,
can you get away from your flock?

Ah, Father Dreary...

Father Jack here, can you cover
for me this weekend?

Those altar boys
are wearing me out...

especially that Hugo,
he's got the tightest little ass.

Oh, come on, guys.

He made an altar-boy joke
and he's a funny man.

I make one and I'm an asshole.

That's about right.

Nothing like an altar-boy joke
to get a laugh, jackass.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

You know, I've got
the third graders' confession

Friday morning.
Let's go right after that.

Right, and leave the black suit
at home this time

and thank you for letting me
borrow the tie.

You should consider buying one.

Now, why I do that
when I have you?

Jack, I noticed the new suit.

Armani, on sale.

- Uh-huh.
- Very nice.

- To the old man!
- BOTH: The old man.

May the road rise to meet you.

May the wind be always
at your back.

May the sun shine
warmly on your face.

May the rains fall
softly on your field.

And until we meet again...

ALL: May God hold you in the palm
of his hand.

Hello!

[Laughter]

Bobby, I don't know how much
longer I can do this.

I know.

We have to do something.

My dad just passed away.

The excuse used to be
that your dad was sick.

I know.

We agreed to do it after
your father passed away.

Just give me a couple weeks.

Fine.

Carly is a lesbian, which makes
us each other's beard.

Our five-year
fake relationship

is like most people's
real relationships,

based on lies and no sex.

I love you.

I love you.

No, I mean I really love you.

I'll see ya. Thanks.

[(music) Rock music playing]

(music) Yeah (music)

(music) Well, the wrecks,
toss and mix (music)

(music) This old wheel keeps spinning round (music)

(music) Get your kicks,
take my licks (music)

(music) This whole deal
is lost and found (music)

(music) No surprise,
tell me lies (music)

(music) I've been down
this hole before (music)

(music) Criticize, apologize (music)

(music) Try to quit but I need more (music)

(music) And I'm two steps
closer to midnight (music)

(music) And I'm not turning blue... (music)

Honey, I'm going to bed now.

Good night.

What can you be doing
at this hour? Come to bed.

I'm working, honey.

You know, I've got
to check the markets.

You're on that thing all night.

What, are you afraid
to sleep with me?

Honey, it gives me the edge
in the pit every day

and it pays the bills.
Come on!

Whatever.

[Beep]

(music) Well, I wish I was,
I wish was with you (music)

(music) Ah (music)

(music) Well, I wish I was,
wish I was, wish I was (music)

(music) Wish I was, wish I was,
wish I was (music)

(music) Wish I was, wish I was (music)

(music) Wish I was,
wish I was (music)

(music) Wish I was, wish I was with you (music)

- Ah, what a beautiful day.
- A beautiful day, huh?

You know, what shocks me
is how you've been able to fool

your family into thinking
you're straight

for as long as you have.

This is my boyfriend, Andy.

If he would keep public displays
of affection private,

our relationship would be great.

Unfortunately, like a bad little kitty,
he likes to get out.

- I think you're mad.
- I'm not mad.

Sounds like you're mad.

Hi.

Mmm, hey.

I am so sorry, you know I wanted
to go to your dad's funeral.

Oh, I know.

So, how are you two big
gay fag homos doing?

I think, uh, one gay slur
should cover it.

Uh, and we're sill incognito.

Oh. I don't know about you, Andy,
but I think it's time.

I think all parties have been
heard from now.

Bobby, I love you
like the sister I never had really,

but if you do not come out to
the boys up north this weekend.

I'm going to come up there
and out you myself.

Out, damn spot, out.

Yeah, if you can tell me how
to do it naturally.

We're going to be sitting there
watching the Cubs game.

Sosa hits one out of the park,
and as we're cheering,

I'm supposed to go, "Oh,
you guys hold on a second, um,

I love to suck cock."

Actually, love's a little strong.

Fuck off.

Why don't I come up there with you
and we can demonstrate it.

- Hello!
- Mm-hm.

Did you order soup?

Uh, no.

Uh, French toast.

- French toast?
- Yeah.

So, how'd you tell your family?

Actually, I didn't have to.

I did musical theatre
in high school.

Ah.

All that butter on it.

Hi.

You guys got money on this race?

I do, and a lot.

Who are you rooting for?

20 bucks.

I'm rooting for number two,
My Face.

- My Face?
- Yeah, but I tell you what.

If My Face wins, I will
buy drinks for you

and your girlfriends
all night long. All right?

It's gonna be a good one, too.

All right?

- Mm-hm.
- Check this out.

Let's go.
Come on, number two.

Come on. Come on.
Let's go.

- Come on.
- Come on.

Come on. Come on.

- Come on.
- Come on, man.

- Come on.
- Come on.

- Come on.
- Oh, yeah!

- Come on.
- Come on.

- Come on.
- Come on!

- Come on!
- Here we go. Come on!

Come along now. Here we go!
It's gonna be close.

Come on, My Face! Come on, My Face!

- Yes!
- Come on, My Face!

- Yes!
- Come on, My Face!

Come on, My Face!
Come on, My Face!

Whoo!

Uh... eww.

- What?
- What?

What? What?

Oh!

Well, fellas, you did it again.

Sir, thank you.

You know, I'm not really
a religious person,

but I got to think
that something like

somebody's sexuality's
got to be like kind of

an insignificant detail
up there in heaven.

I mean, if it's
even half the place

you people crack it up to be.

Yeah, no, it's a great place...

you know, for those people
that don't, uh...

sin against nature,
the Church, and God.

Mmm. Mmm.

I don't know. I...
I don't watch The 700 Club,

but... well, actually...
no, that's a lie,

I watch it for the hair.

Yeah, great hair.

But, I mean, didn't Jesus
hang out with, like, whores

and lepers and all
other types of scum?

I heard that rumor.

Well, I would think that...

at the very least being gay
falls into the category

of, you know, all
of other types of scum.

Kiss me, scum.

Everyone always wants to know,

when did I first
realize I was gay.

For me I knew I liked
the sweet contrast of soft lips

and bearded cheeks the first time
I kissed my Aunt Rose.

[Falsetto] Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.

Go ahead.

Father, um, sometimes I...

I spy on my grandmother
taking a shower.

And my penis...

it shoots out straight
like a number two pencil.

And then I rub my penis,

rub it like I'm
trying to erase it,

rub, rub, rub, rub,
three men in a tub.

Rub, rub, rub.

A little privacy please.

I'm gonna kick
your fucking little ass.

I don't think priests
should be saying

fucking little ass these days.

Get out of here.

[Falsetto] Um, hi, Father, um,
I've got a question, Father.

When you touch me,
do I have to confess that

or is that something
you've got covered for me?

This has got to get old
for you guys.

No, it does not,
but I have a question.

What is the sense of having
a brother who's a priest

if he doesn't give us
any dirt once in a while?

Yeah!

Mrs. Dornhan can't say
no to the cable guy.

Oh, I knew it!

She's a dirty, dirty lady.

[Laughter]

[Laughter, indistinct chatter,
duck quacking]

Uh, I believe that's me.

[Laughter]

Where's your God now?

I got to cover your ass
every time.

Horse shit!

Consider it a donation
to the church.

Hey, I got a question
for the church.

Has Lisa
in the confessional...

ever confessed to,
uh, faking an orgasm with you?

When I get nervous,
my voice, it gets real high.

I'm afraid when I actually say,
"I'm gay," only dogs will hear me.

- No.
- Ha ha.

Thank God!

She has confessed to orgasming
to the thought of other men.

Motherfucker, that's mean shit.

I don't know what you're
laughing about.

Well, Carrie's very happy.

Yeah, if balls slappin'
against her taint feels good.

[Laughter]

The Irish inch
gets the job done.

I absolve you all of your sins.

Good night.
I'm going to bed.

[High voice]
Good night, Father Jack.

God, he sucks at cards.

Good God, he's never been good,
but this was terrible.

The Lord could help him.

I saw it once at the swim club,
it looked huge.

I was like seven years old,

and I was much more interested
in all that pubic hair.

Oh. Well, you know what I mean.

Well, you guys, you guys
are sitting here talking

about whether Dad passed on
the small weenie gene and that's OK.

I mention his pubic hair,
and I'm the asshole.

God damn it, every time.

I think it's time for me
to go to bed, pussy.

Besides, I don't
want to sit around

talking about Dad's weenie.

So, let's talk about you.

Thank you.

You gonna marry Carly
any time soon?

I'm thinking, no.

Oh, I love it.

Every time Lisa wonders
why I'm not as sweet as Bobby,

I just remind her how
your commitment phobia

keeps Carly hanging
on a string.

I'll give you a string
to hang on.

[Mumbling]

Hey, did she give you
the ultimatum yet?

I think I got that
the other night.

Good for her.

Whose side are you on?

She's a good girl, Bobby.

Oh, they're all whores
except Mom.

And Maggs.

Uh, um, hey!

Hey, I'm not saying
that Maggie's a whore.

I think she's more of
a victim of our times.

If she had been born
when mom was born,

she would've gotten married
instead of going to college,

which is key because, 'cause
college is just another word

for girl whore
making factory.

Ha ha.

[High voice]
Fellas, I'm gay.

Ah, it's got to be lower.

[Low voice]
Guys, I'm gay.

Oh, God, what am I gonna
do with my girls?

Looking' for an answer
here, boys.

Hey, I don't have daughters.

Why don't you check your weed
for the answer?

Actually, my weed guy
was all out,

but he gave me these mushrooms.

Never tried 'em but he said
they are good.

Care to partake?

I'm gonna skip.
Going to bed.

Connor?

Oh, man, I'm... I'm out.

All right, if you
guys come out here

and my pants are still
around my ankles,

just give me the courtesy of
throwing a blanket over me.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Oh, they taste like crap.

[Mutters]

[Fluid trickling]

Get the fuck out of here,
you son of a bitch!

- What is that?
- Fuck off!

What the fuck!
Get the fuck out of my house!

Fuck you, you fuckin' animal!

You think you can
fuckin' come here

and piss all over
my dad's house?

Luke! Luke! Luke!

Fuck me!
If my dad were here,

he'd fucking kick your ass!

- Come on down from there, Luke.
- Fuck off!

Fucking shit!

It's fucked up.
What are you doing, Jack?

We're going to get
down off the bed.

- Let's go.
- Ow, fuck.

Come on.
Down off the bed.

OK! Fuck off!

It's OK. He's gone.
You did a great job.

We're got to set up a 24-hour
watch, make sure that fucker

doesn't come back,
try to pee on this house.

- I'll get the next watch.
- Kick ass.

Come on, let's go to bed.

If you can't catch him, Jackie,

maybe you can keep
him out of heaven, OK?

- Maybe I can...
- 'Cause I don't want him.

Ha ha ha.

- Fuck off!
- Shh!

I don't want him, you know,
buggin' Mom and Dad.

This is bad enough
pissing on the house.

- Bad. It's bad.
- Kick ass.

Come on.
Let's go to bed.

I know, I know.
I love you, too.

Come on, let's go to bed.

If it was your dad,
you'd be pissed.

- Let's go to bed.
- I'm sorry, man.

- Would you guys shut up?
- Don't be sorry, man.

I love you. You're OK.

Good job there, Luke.

Good night, you guys.
I love you.

What the fuck was that?

Here, um, you take care of that.

Well, what am I gonna
do with this?

I don't know.

I can't find shit in here.

I didn't do it, though.

You never do it.

Hey, someone's been messing
with my line.

It wasn't me.

It's never you.

[Phone rings]

Hello.

Did you tell them?

Hey, hey, Maggs.

Maggs!

You didn't tell them.

Oh, you are such a pussy.

Ah, sweet of you to call.
What's going on?

You are such a pussy.

Ah, you know what, hey,
I'll give you a call next week

and, uh, we'll go from there.
All right?

- I'll see ya.
- Bobby, you have...

[Beep]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, man!

You didn't tell her
about last night.

Uh, she sounded
a little preoccupied.

It's probably that douchebag
boyfriend of hers

bitching about something.

Ah, he's all right.

I don't like him either.

Ooh, an opinion.

An opinion from the politician finally.

I hate his stupid ass.

That's better.
That's better.

Fuck him!

Wait, wait, no, wait, wait.

Oh, no, no, no, it's OK,
start without me.

That's great!

I think we did start
without you.

I think so.

We thought you needed some sleep
there, big boy.

I got a good night's sleep.
I'm OK.

I bet you got
a good night sleep.

Who ratted me out to
father say no to drugs?

Thank you, you're great.

Still doing drugs.

You know what, I hardly
even smoke anymore.

Lisa says it makes me weird.

I don't think mushrooms
are the answer, my friend.

You don't have any answers, man.

Luke, do you have anything
for breakfast?

You're looking at it.

[Laughter]

Come on, loser,
I'm sick of beating you.

Let's do something else.

[Laughter]

Shall we?

Sounds good to me, buddy.

All so good.

Did you see
the Palsners' new boat?

I think our fishing's
screwed over there

'cause of the sand bar
counter tide.

Hey, look at Mrs. Palsner.

How you doin'?

[Music drowning out dialogue]

Go, go, go! Come on!

(music) So long ago (music)

[Music drowning out dialogue]

(music) Or so it seems (music)

(music) Well, we didn't need much,
'cause we had our dreams (music)

Go, go, go!

(music) Everything was simple (music)

Go, go, go! Come on!

(music) Life was so sweet
So the baby don't show... (music)

- [Loud pop]
- Bobby?

Bob?

[Bang]

Ahh!

- What happened?
- What?

- He broke it.
- No.

[Laughter]

You fuck!

Pull the string!

Bobby!

Thank you.

Whoo!

It's not like the subject
ever comes up.

Oh, come on, Bobby.

Why are you so interested?

Because I'm tired of the secret.

I think secrets are good.

Yeah, well, I'm the keeper
of the secrets, mister.

If you don't do it up there, I will.

I'd like to see you do that.

If you don't do it tonight,
I'm coming up.

When did you become
such a hard-ass?

[Chuckles]
How's everything else?

It's good.

You know, a little bit weird
but good.

Weird?

Yeah, you know.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

All right, you big fag,
good luck.

I'll talk to you later. OK?

How are things with Gary?

I think I'm gonna break up
with him.

Good for you!

Yeah, well, somebody's
got to be tough.

You OK?

Yes. Stay focused
on yourself, all right?

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

[Beep]

[Beep]

(music) The silence
I've been feelin' (music)

(music) Is runnin' through my mind (music)

(music) There lies a new horizon (music)

(music) Can you help me
find the way... (music)

- Jack! Jack!
- Wait up! Wait up!

Jack, wait up, Jack!

Whoa!

Jack! Whoa, whoa, whoa, no!

Another perfect
job there, buddy.

Thank you.

My, uh...

Perfectly done, son.

Have you ever been
on a boat before?

I have spent many hours
on a boat.

Uh, yeah.

Hey, you notice the lights
on over at the Avery's?

Well, Mr. And Mrs. Avery
are in Europe until October,

which means it's Holly.

As in make me jolly by
sucking on my lolly Holly.

I remember.

You guys coming in?

I think we're going to hang out
here a little bit.

I hope you didn't
notice the lights on

over at the Avery house.

Oh, that guy's a jackass.

I think he's trying
to watch a ball game.

I got a ball game for her.

[Laughter]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

OK. OK.

To the bedroom.

How do you know?

Lucky guess.

How many hours
have you logged here?

A man needs a place to think.
Ha ha ha ha!

Shh!

No, come on.

Oh, yeah!

You're angry at him, aren't you?

Come on, let me see.

Take it out on yourself.

- I can't see.
- Yeah, you sure can't.

Oh, my God!

That little bra's
constricting your freedom,

isn't it, sweet pea?
You can take that right off.

Come to Papa.

[Chuckles]

Not bad, huh?

Hey, she looks pretty good.

Yeah, she might
have gained a pound.

I won't ask how you know that.

Ha ha ha. That's right.
You like the cream warm.

Don't you, sweetheart?

I know this is pathetic,

spying on a girl like this,

but you gotta understand,

I was a voyeur long
before I knew I was gay.

It's really the only thing
me and my brothers are good at.

She's completely shaven.

I think she's a swimmer.

Hey, where's she going?

- She's leaving.
- Fuck!

Maybe she's getting a vibrator.

Has she done that before?

This is where fantasy
and reality often collide.

OK, she's back.

Ooh, I think she saw me.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Yeah, get ready
to lay down on the bed

and tickle yourself,
you naughty girl.

- I can't see.
- That's right. You can't.

Holy fuck!

All right, you've been
there enough, just let me...

- Just give me...
- Let me fucking look!

Did you just fucking push me?

- Yes.
- Motherfucker.

'Cause you're not moving.

Shut the fuck up.
Fuck you, fucking spy.

I'll fuck you up.

Yeah, I want to see!

Shh! Fucker!

I swear to God, I'll snap
your goddamn neck.

OK. Move the fuck over,
you son of a bitch.

[Bang]

- [Screaming]
- MAN: What the hell was that?

You OK?

WOMAN: Ohh.

Hi.

Mom and Dad have
gotta be looking down

beaming with pride
right about now.

Well, we wouldn't
have gotten caught

if you hadn't panicked
like a Nancy.

I'm the Sally here?

Hey, I went through that window
like I needed to see it.

All I saw was you on the ground
holding your knee crying.

All an act.

Holly is a fix-a-broken-wing
kind of girl.

She knew we were there.

She came back after calling
the cops just to keep us there.

That icy cold
exhibitionist whore!

She totally wanted me.

She doesn't even know you.

Oh, she knew me.

My name was danger.

And you, my friend
were the forbidden fruit,

double D, every woman's dream.

Are you kidding?

Luke thought she fell.

He was being selfless.

Father Jack, she was about to
fornicate with her boyfriend.

I was stopping her
from having premarital sex.

I was doing the Lord's work.

Hey, big of you to wear
the priest outfit.

It never hurts.

They're going
to drop the charges

if you guys apologize tonight.

- Tonight?
- Tonight.

Holly's so upset
she can't go to sleep.

She can't go to sleep

because she wants my cock
to tickle her ovaries.

Hey.

On behalf of my brothers.

You guys should be
ashamed of yourselves.

Holly tells me you have
two young daughters.

You're an embarrassment.

I am.

And you're a priest.

I'll be...

praying for them.

We're sorry.

Boo!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

- Oh, Jesus.
- Come on. Come on.

Come on, come on.
Hey, hey.

We... We should knock on the door
and do that again

and try it for real.

OK, OK.

So, that was good times.

Always good times
with my brothers.

Love good times.

Telling them I'm gay would
have been not good times,

which would be selfish of me.

It's not like
heterosexuals come out

and scream their
straightness to the world.

Don't judge me.

You can't even hold
my hand in public.

I'm Irish.

So am I.

I'm not talking
about some disgusting

amusement park make-out session.

I'm talking about
just that random kiss that...

Andy has a right
to be pissed at me,

but luckily he's a lawyer.

So, he sees things
logically, not emotionally.

We're committed and we're collaborative
and everything.

Maybe you find that boring,
I don't know.

But it's...

Ah, shit!

It's never happened
like this before.

All right, hugs and kisses
always gets him to stay.

L... I have to...

Come on.

I'm sorry.

Now, I'm gonna say
something stupid, really funny,

and you're gonna laugh and
we're gonna stay together, OK?

That's what we're gonna do here.

Now you're gonna make me cry.

Don't do that.

I love you, Bobby.

I'm concerned,
but I think I did it.

I think he's staying.

I'm money.

Good-bye.

I'm tired of being
in the closet.

I've become so detached
from my feelings

I'm not sure I can feel anymore.

For example, Andy
and I just broke up

and all I can think about is,

I've never been dumped before.

Technically, did
he really dump me?

It's not like he stopped loving
me or got bored of me.

It was my actions
that forced him to leave,

so in a sense,
I really dumped him.

Which means I win.

See what I mean?

If I really love Andy,

then why am I so relieved
that we broke up?

What do you think?

I, uh, I'm not usually
supposed to talk.

- But...
- We're all repressed.

Go ahead and speak.

The whole gay thing's
a little weird,

but... look, I really
can't talk, man.

Give me this.

Go ahead and speak.

All right.

You're fucked!

You got a guy...

person that loves you
completely and trusts you.

You're a tough guy to love

and instead of loving him
with all your heart,

all you're concerned about

is how your family's
gonna deal with it.

Look here, man,
fuck your cracker-ass family!

It ain't intended
for love to be hidden, man.

Have you looked in Andy's eyes?

Yeah, he's got real pretty eyes.

Yeah, you know,
they're all right.

They're cool.

He's got a really great body.

If you say so, man!

You know what I really love?

I love when we're alone.

We can sit in a room
together for hours

and we never have
to say a word

and don't feel uncomfortable,

like I need to fill
the air with words.

I'm so tired of being alone.

Someone tell you
that looks good?

Someone tell you
that dressing like a shlub

will convince people
you're not gay?

Why don't you say
that a little louder?

Oh, please.

Where's your suck-hole boyfriend?

We broke up.

What was it this time?

He wants to get married.

Maggs, you're almost 30.

And?

You've been datin' the guy off
and on for four years.

So, I should marry him out
of sympathy?

Is there a better reason?

You gonna stretch?

I think I'm gonna
pull something new.

Let's go.

So, uh, was he,
like, all dramatic?

Get on his knee.
Pull out the, uh, ring?

He's far too much
of a pussy for that.

Ha! He's so much better
off without you.

How could I possibly focus
on getting married

when I'm so preoccupied
with outing you?

About that.

Yeah, about that.

I think we should do it tomorrow
night at Mom and Dad's.

You know, we've got to split up
their stuff.

I don't know.

With Andy and I breaking up,
I just don't have the motivation.

Andy thought that would
be the motivation.

What?

Wasn't that a fabulous ass?

Oh, please.

Maggs, I'm different.
I've changed.

I don't even know if I'm gay.

Ha ha ha. Stop it.

You are so gay.
Don't worry about it.

I took a week off from work
due to my dad's death.

Perfect time to start a new job.

This is the perfect time
to start a new job.

These are my cameras.

I've been collecting them
for about 30 years.

- Beautiful!
- Yeah.

Love cameras.

I'm excited to have you here.

Ah, thank you.
I appreciate it.

So, I was talking
to your brother, Luke,

and, uh, he said
you weren't happy.

Bobby, I know we're
not as big here

as what you're used to over
at Fish, Vine and Rudolph,

but we're offering
you a partnership.

Thank you.

Uh, if you can just
give me a week.

I'll, uh, I'll have
an answer for you.

Fine. Take a week.
No problem.

I don't want to blow
smoke up your ass,

but you're about the most
talented young architect

I've ever met.

Thank you.

Speaking of blowing
smoke up somebody's ass.

Things still a little bit funny
over at Fish, Vine and Rudolph?

The nature of the business.

The nature of the business.

I'm only telling you this
because you're Luke's brother.

My two partners,
Charlie and Sam,

they're a little bit, uh, funny.

Look, don't get me wrong.
They're talented.

They're great,
but there's three partners here

and two of them
I feel have formed

some sort of gay alliance
against me.

I need somebody on my team.

I don't want you to get
the wrong idea.

I get along with those guys
great, professionally. Huh.

But I can't go out
for a beer with them.

OK?

You I can go out
for a beer with.

You're a beer guy.

You like beer don't ya, Bobby?

I'm Luke's brother.

You're Luke's brother.

You love beer.

Beer is in your blood.

You're probably drunk right now,
you crazy fuck.

All right, everything you need
to know, it's in here.

All right?
Take two weeks if you want to.

We want you here.

Thank you.

We'll see.

So, I got a plan how
we're gonna out you.

I knew I should've gone
with Judy's pizza.

I'm telling you if they
had had this technology

when Jesus was alive, there
would be no doubting Thomases.

I don't think this
is good for my diet.

And we're doing it tomorrow.

And I'm staying over tonight
so you don't chicken out.

I don't have any room
for you in my apartment.

Then I will share your bed.

That's a little weird.

So it is.

What do you think of this?

- I don't know.
- It's hip, it's cool, it's in.

- Really?
- He's a priest.

- He doesn't know.
- Ha ha ha.

Nice to have everybody here.

Another round?

Yeah.

You are never too
drunk to be pilfering

your dead parents' house
for goods.

Another round?

Any time I've had to make
a big decision in my life

I've blown it.

Melissa Shepherd's seventh-grade
pool party? I wore a USA Speedo.

For senior year prom I lathered
myself in fake tan bronzer.

The only parts of my body that
didn't turn freakishly orange

were the parts I missed.

So when Maggie
told me she had an idea

on how to tell the boys
I'm gay, I listened.

Her idea... pictures.

I'm not sure I've ever done
anything more stupid.

What are you trying to say?

That I'm gay.

Dude, you should have saved this
for April 1st.

If you are gay, this is
completely inappropriate.

And if it's a joke, it's sick,

tasteless, and completely
inappropriate.

Where are you going, Jack?

I'm not going to stick around
to find out the answer.

You should be ashamed.

Hey.

[Door slams]

You know, um...

I think he's just a little
too overwhelmed to see

it's a prank, which, in my mind,
makes it the perfect prank.

Well, this little slide show
has given me something

to talk to Johnny
and Mark about

while I tuck them
into bed tonight.

I got to go.

Please, you see worse
than this every day.

A woman with a buffalo doesn't
affect me like this.

Luke, let's go.

He's my ride.

I don't think Jim Jones
could have cleared out a room

with fruit punch
as fast as this.

Very nice work, guys.

See ya.

So?

Well, look at it like this...

think of their homophobia
as cancer and, uh...

the slide show was a very
aggressive form of chemotherapy.

I'm sorry.

[Sirens]

Hey, Rose,
how are you today?

You look good.

I like your outfit.

I know the game starts
in about an hour,

so I promise I'll be brief.

[Laughter]

The important part
of John's gospel

was to focus on how
the large multitude

that were following Jesus
at the time decided to leave.

Come on.

I look gay in this spandex,
don't I?

You've always looked gay to me.

You didn't know I was gay
when we first met.

Maggie told me.

That fucking bitch.

She's got such a big mouth.

MAN: Come on, kids.

So, how'd your brothers take it?

I think the slide show
was a bad idea.

You think?

Did you tell 'em
I was a lesbian?

Uh, no.

They didn't even ask about me?

No.

That's gonna be weird for me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You wanted to talk about you,
didn't you?

We would've never worked
as a couple.

No. Ha ha.

I'd want a more statuesque
kind of man.

I look fucking stupid
in this stuff.

It was such a good idea
this morning.

You know, some day
the chunky Howdy Doody look

is gonna be in and you're going
to wish you were a gay man.

I don't think so.

Turn around.
Let me see your ass.

- Don't touch me.
- Don't worry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if you would please join me
at the baptismal font.

Where's Bobby?

He couldn't make it.

So the other night was a failed
attempt at Bobby coming out.

Then how'd you know?

Could you keep a secret like
that without telling someone?

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,

thy kingdom come,
thy will be done, on earth...

OK, let's say Bobby's gay...

He's gay.

Let's say he's bisexual,
'cause he's got Carly.

She's a lesbian.

That little vixen.

Do you reject Satan
and all his works?

[Baby crying]

Does she have a girlfriend?

So Bobby's gay?

Yes.

So what do you want from us?

Are you kidding me
with that question?

When Johnny was born
10 weeks early,

Bobby spent so much
time at the hospital

the nurses thought
he was the father,

and you don't even think about
asking me a question like that.

Do you believe in the Father,
the almighty?

The maker of heaven and earth.

It's not that easy for us.

What's not that easy?

You look at having a gay brother
like a badge of honor.

A badge of honor?
It's your brother.

Well, I guess I'm just not
as liberal as you are.

Oh, come on, Connor.

You've seen worse than that
on the internet.

Not guys.

Not on purpose.

When two guys go at it,
it makes my sphincter shrink

so small I shit spaghetti.

I baptize you
in the name of the Father,

the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

I shared a bedroom with the guy
for 18 years.

OK, I got gaydar.
I know gay.

Bobby ain't gay.

I will get you the phone number
of his boyfriend Andy.

Boyfriend?

A good prank has
many levels of detail.

Are you serious, Luke?

Fine. You give me the number.
We'll give him a call.

We'll call him.

Can you get me those pictures?

- You're disgusting.
- Just give me the pictures.

[Baby crying]

Do you have
any pictures of Carly?

Stop it.

[Baby crying]

These are the moments
when being gay

and relating your life
to a movie gets tough.

[Dialing]

[Coughing]

Hey, Ands, it's me, just,
uh, checking in with you.

In one of those, uh...

[Music drowning out dialogue]

So, uh...

hey.

Just called to say hey
and just check in with you.

Give me a call
when you get a chance.

[Music drowning out dialogue]

I'll see you.

[Beep]

You know what scene I got
playing through my head?

Me running through the streets
like Billy Crystal

in When Harry Met Sally
and getting Meg Ryan.

Auld Lang Syne playing
in the background.

[Telephone rings]

[Beep]

Hello?

Hey, Maggs.
What's going on?

Can I come over?

All right.

[Beep]

I'll wax poetic later.

Jimmy, my man.
What have you got for me?

The latent image
has no inconsistencies

in the grain structure.

Give it to me straight.

The pictures
haven't been altered.

Don't pull any punches.

Your brother's a fag.

I've erased all evidence
of the pictures from my computer

and mum's the word.
See ya at softball Sunday.

[Computer chiming]

Fuck.

[Telephone rings]

[Beep]

Hey.

Hey.

So, those pictures are real.

Yeah, no shit.

I feel like a fucking loser.

We're way past that now.

Hey, you think if I beat him up,

I'd get charged
with a hate crime?

You'll have to talk to Maggie
about that.

All right, well, I gotta go.

All right, see you
on the floor tomorrow.

Yeah, fuck off.

You fuck off.

[Beep]

[TV] (music) 800-588-2300, EMPIRE (music)

You really watch sports
when you're alone?

The curse of four brothers.

Do the guys of Chicago know what
a great chick you are?

Sadly I think you are
the only one.

Now, of course, if this
were the Middle Ages,

and you and I were royals...

Listen, I had to messenger
those slides over to Luke

'cause he still thinks
this whole thing is a joke.

He's already seen 'em.

I didn't want to take those
pictures and now all of a sudden

I've got this random messenger
delivering naked pictures of me

going to his office
for show and tell.

Yeah, but you look really good
in that second one.

I did look kind of good there.

[Dialing]

[Telephone rings]

Hey, it's Bobby.
I'm not in right now.

Leave a message and
I'll call you back.

You goddamn motherfucker.

Keeping a secret
like this from me.

What kind of prick are you?

Like we're not close enough
for you to confide in me?

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Bobby.

I can only imagine
what other lies you've got going on.

You were the... best man
at my wedding.

And you're... gay?

Fuck!

I, uh...

I got to question
everything now.

All the times we were laughing
and talking about chicks

and shit and you were
just faking it?

Great.

Thanks, motherfucker.

Hope you're proud.

Good work, jack-off.

Tell you what, stay away from me
and my family.

[Beep]

Perfect timing. I just got here
a couple of minutes ago.

What, do you think I only had
one key to your place?

Please.

So start talking.

I'm just going
to eat my ice cream.

I'm all talked out.

That's what I heard.

Maggie?

Of course.

She's got such a big mouth.

And a bigger heart.

There's nothing
more important to her

than keeping
your family together.

A lofty goal these days.

We good?

We're great.

Good.

So, do you want
to tell me how it went?

You want to take a bath?

Yeah.

You got to call your therapist
and see if it's OK?

Mm-mm.

Bring your ice cream though.
I got an idea.

[Whistles]

- Do you want some water?
- No.

How 'bout a juice box?
I got cherry.

- No.
- Cheerio's?

No.

- I got fruit loops.
- No.

- Do you want any of that?
- No.

- You're not hungry?
- No.

- You don't want to have Cheerio's?
- No.

- Want to eat a bug?
- No.

Go long!
Go long! Look up!

Look up! Look up!

You yell like a girl, man.

Who wants Chinese food?

Not me.

Who wants, uh, spaghetti?

Not me.

Who wants waffles?

Not me.

- You're not hungry at all?
- No.

I want waffles.

Hee hee hee.

Go over there.
Go try that car out.

Faster! Faster! Faster!
Faster! Faster!

Hey, do you think those
gay genes are hereditary?

Why? 'Cause Johnny can't catch?

Johnny can catch.

Do you think
about this Andy guy?

What, do you mean when
I'm touching myself,

do I imagine what his strong
hands would feel like on me?

- Yeah.
- No.

I think Maggs is right,
you know.

I just never considered
myself to be prejudiced

- or homophobic or anti-gay or...
- No, no, no.

Do you remember Jimmy?

- Jimmy Strong?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Great fucking guy. Right?

- Yeah.
- Great guy.

Could you imagine
if he was dating Maggie?

And I couldn't
help thinking, uh...

who's this nigger
fucking my sister?

Is that wrong?

Thanksgivings and Christmases,
I can't explain to the kids

why Uncle Bobby and
Uncle Andy are making out.

Well, I think gay people
have manners.

Well, what gay people
do you know?

It's common sense.

Two gay people are
not going to make out

in front of ya
without getting paid.

The truth is I just want
things to be normal.

You know? And I know
they can't be.

I mean, you and me, we can talk
about our marriages and shit.

Like how Lisa secretly
vowed on our wedding night

never to give me
another blow job again?

I'm still working
on Christmas mornings.

My family, your family,
Jack and the altar boys.

Maggie and her eventual family.

Bobby and Andy.

That's weird.

And their Korean and
Nicaraguan children.

Maybe it would help
if we met Andy.

Talking with this Andy guy.

On the surface it would
all be small talk,

but I know he'd be wondering

if all us Rileys
have the same-size cock.

OK, that... that's weird.

Oh, you wouldn't
be thinking that?

- No.
- Oh, OK.

So, I'm the asshole
for thinking that, huh?

Yes.

I'll be back later
this afternoon.

- Hey.
- I'm late.

- It's Thursday.
- I know.

You know, it's
almost been a week

and we're finalizing the will
tomorrow with Mr. Burke.

- We are.
- And you're going to see Bobby.

- I am.
- Are you going to say anything?

Look, whatever I do,
whatever I say,

it's going to be
between Bobby and me.

Well, it's just that...

Maggie, I'm not
going to stand here

and listen
to a lecture from you.

The slide show was
my stupid idea.

That was a bad idea.

It wasn't that bad of an idea.

Luke still doesn't
believe he's gay.

He is gay.

I know.

Jack, Bobby idolizes you,
all right?

He craves your acceptance.

Give it a rest.

Screw you.

I'll see you tomorrow
at Mr. Burke's office.

You are the oldest.

You are supposed to be keeping
this family together.

- Whatever you say.
- Oh, that's fine.

I'll do your job.
I'll keep the family together.

Your dad was a funny guy.

I don't have
to tell you guys that.

- Hi, Maggie.
- Hi.

- Bobby.
- Mr. Burke.

- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.

OK, kids, no surprises here.

Your dad split up the estate
equally amongst the five of you.

The house.

The cottage.

Life insurance.

His personal assets.

I've got something
printed for each of you,

and he wrote something
himself for each of you.

He wrote something?

You're talking
about our dad, right?

Yeah, I thought it was kind
of weird, too.

Your dad never wrote me a note

in the 25 years
I was his lawyer.

Maybe his male nurse rubbed off
on him or something.

Well, uh, if you
have any questions,

feel free to call me. Otherwise,
it's pretty straightforward.

- Take care.
- Yeah.

Hey, I'll catch up
in a second, Bobby.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

So?

So?

- Thanks.
- Sure.

Thanks again, Mr. Burke.

You're welcome. Take care.

Maggie?

Yeah.

There you go.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

What, did you pick
a public place

'cause you thought
I'd beat you up?

There's nobody here.

Why'd you tell him?

Bobby, everybody's got secrets.

What's yours?

That I can't keep them.

Ahh.

I'm sorry, all right?

- You should be.
- I know.

I know I shouldn't
have told him.

It's just I can't keep
all this stuff bottled up.

I guess we just ran out
of things to say.

A lull in the conversation,

and you fill it with,
"Hey, Dad, Bobby's gay."

You know what, don't give me
any shit, all right?

Screw you.

I took a leave
of absence from my job,

which, by the way,
I'm the youngest partner

in that law firm's history,

so that I could take care of him
everyday for two months.

Who else did you tell?

Nobody. Just Dad.

I have a feeling he took it
to the grave.

That's bad.

Are you really mad at me?

I should be.

Don't get queeny.

So, what did he say?

Oh, now you want
to know what he said.

Don't pull that bullshit.
Come on.

Promise you won't be
mad at me anymore?

No.

Promise you'll still
tell me your secrets?

You already said you
can't keep your secrets.

So? I just have
to tell one person.

I'll tell Aunt Rose, she's dying.

[Chuckles]

He was shocked.

And when he realized that
I wasn't telling him a joke,

he said, "Well, I would've
thought the three guys

"would've been gay
before the kid.

The kid's always been so tough."

What else?

He asked me what
I thought he should do.

And?

And then he laughed.

About what?

He told me the story about
how Mom had brought home

a porno one time.

God, I'd like to see that.

Yeah.

I guess Mom brought
home this porno

and Dad was kind of nervous
about watching it,

so Mom says, "When that
bedroom door is open,

"I need you to be a shining
example of Catholicism,

but when that door is shut,
I need you to be the devil."

And then he said,

"What people do behind closed doors
is their business."

That's all he said?

That's all.

I don't think
we should've picked

the Wiener Circle for this.

No shit, but if I'm coming to
the north side, I'm coming here.

I keep looking for a guy
in a masquerade outfit.

I keep looking for a big cock.

I don't think I can do this.

You're the one that talked me
into this.

Connor? Luke?

Oh, hey. Andy. Yes.

- Luke Riley.
- Connor.

Good to meet you.

- Riley.
- Got it.

I'll get the dogs.

All right.

And then I'll get the cocks.

Oh, great, thanks a lot.

That's all I'm going
to be thinking about.

Weird he noticed us from behind.

Cheese? Cheese?

So, how you doing?

I'm good.

How you doing?

Good.

Doing fine.

So, how long you been gay?

Well, that didn't
take long, did it?

You like the Cubs?

- No.
- I live for the Cubs.

My grandmother loved the Cubs.
Never got to see 'em win a series.

My father was
an Andy Frain last time

they were in the series,
you know.

Back in '45.

So, what is it that
you do, Andy?

I'm a lawyer.

Oh, we should set
him up with Maggie.

See, we don't leave Connor alone
with people very often.

Too uncomfortable.

So, have we seen you
in commercials?

- No.
- But you're an actor?

No, I'm a lawyer.

A litigator.

I went up against Maggie
during her first trial

and that's how
I got to know Bobby.

So, this is all Maggie's fault.

And... Bobby was gay then?

Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure.

You guys... you guys don't know
any gay men, do you?

I've seen Will & Grace
a few times.

I mean, Carrie has it on.

Did you know that funny gay guy,
he was from Chicago?

Hmm.

And you guys had no idea
that Bobby was gay?

And what did you hope to
accomplish with this meeting?

Look, I don't want to make you guys
feel uncomfortable but...

Too late.

But...

I'm in love with your brother.

Oh, man, I never thought
I would hear that one.

Look, I don't want to seem rude,

but it seems like you
guys don't understand

how wonderful Bobby is.

Wonderful sounds so...

Gay.

Yeah.

Look, Bobby's the same guy
he's always been.

He loves his sports.

He loves the Cubs.

He loves the Broncos.

BOTH: Bears.

Look, yes.

The Bears and, uh...

So, Bobby's the straightest
gay guy in Chicago?

It's like being
the smartest retard.

Well, Bobby doesn't get his wit
from the wind, huh?

Or his big dick?

Ha ha.

Uncomfortable.

You just made a retard joke
and that's OK?

I make the big dick joke
and I'm an asshole?

Do you see any retards here?

Hey, guys, you shouldn't make
an asshole joke around me.

I'm kidding.

[Laughter]

He got you there.

Yeah, I'm gonna check
on those dogs.

- OK.
- Yeah.

So, Bobby has no idea
that we're meeting, huh?

Well, I'm happy to answer
any questions you've got,

but I really think
you should be talking to Bobby.

And don't hate me,

but the other night you left
a message on Bobby's machine

and I erased it...

before Bobby had a chance
to hear it.

Thank you.

OK, here we go.

Now...

how much of this do you
think I can get all the way

down my throat
without gagging?

I'm kidding.

Luke and Connor
are quite strange.

What? Did you just read that?

No, I met with them yesterday.

At their request.

At the Weiner Circle.

- How subtle of them.
- Hmm.

You know, I think in their
own little way, though,

that they're OK with you now.

Oh, and I've been
working on our vows.

Bobby?

Hey, Bobby.

- Hey, how are ya?
- Charlie. How are you?

Good to see ya.

When I didn't hear from ya,
I thought you got a better offer.

- Yeah.
- No, not at all.

- So...
- Please sit down.

All right, great.

Uh, I just wanted
to check in with you guys

and make sure the offer's still good.

- You bet.
- Absolutely.

Great. Before I say yes,

I just need to tell you something.

OK.

I'm gay.

Bobby, you don't need to share
that with us.

Your personal life is your own.

Appreciate that.

I just wanted to tell you,
so it wouldn't be a problem.

Not a problem!

Please! We welcome that here.

All right, great.

I can't tell you how excited I am.

I'll give my old job two weeks

and then if I can start here
on the 1st, that'd be great.

- Sounds great.
- The 1st it is!

- Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.

- All right, partner.
- Thank you, Charlie.

- I appreciate it.
- Congratulations.

Hey, hey.

I'd still love to have beers with ya.

You bet!

Beers!

You bet.

Thanks, guys,
I'm gonna get back there

and act like I'm, uh,
you know, still working

and, uh, I'll see ya in two.

- See ya soon.
- All right, partner.

All right, congratulations.
Good job.

Believe me, you guys had more
to do with it than me.

You and your little community.

[Laughter]

All right, boys, these two
are on the house.

Hey, thank you.

You're welcome.

Your dad is really going
to be missed around here.

Thank you.
What's your name?

- I'm Jerry.
- Jerry, Luke, Connor.

You're new.

I am, but my brother Larry
used to work here.

Long Dong Larry.

Hey, how is Long Dong doing?

He's good. He's fine.

You should have a drink with us.

- I probably shouldn't.
- Quick, quick, quick one.

- There you go.
- You and you and me.

- To Dad.
- To Dad.

To your dad.

Hmm, and hot chicks.

Oh, yes.

Oh, wait, wait, to obligatory
marriage sex on Saturday night.

It's all we got.

All right, where's Long Dong?

Long Dong was raising
fighting roosters in Puerto Rico

for a while and
then he developed

a bizarre lung disease,
so we're not quite sure

what's going on with him.

- You said cock fighting?
- Yeah.

- That sucks.
- In Puerto Rico?

Yeah.

He thought it was the
other kind of cock fighting,

but he still stayed
in Puerto Rico.

Did you inherit your brother's
long dong?

Oh, you did!

Here's to inheriting
the long dong!

I'll drink to that.

Ireland is a cold country,
we got the Irish curse.

To the angry inch!

All right!

Please.

Hmm.

Here's to having a gay brother
who would love your long dong!

Hee hee.

It's late. I got to go.

Another brother.

I got to clean up.

We got two.

One's a priest. And one's gay.

Three hours of toasting
and you got to go gay?

I thought we were all drunk enough.

Look, look, I'm not...
I'm not good with words.

You got a lot of love, buddy.
You make up for it in love.

Dad mention anything to you
in his letter?

What?

Maggie's got a big mouth.

What?
What did she tell him?

She said I was addicted
to internet porn.

It's not funny.

- It's funny.
- It's not...

Well, Dad... it's OK with Dad.

She told him I was a pothead.

Oh, what a bitch.

Is nothing sacred?

He wrote the most
beautiful thing, though.

Yeah, me, too.

So unlike Dad.

You know, two hours
of surfing porn a night

doesn't constitute
an addiction.

You keep telling yourself
that, buddy.

You're really going
to go cold turkey?

Hmm, yep.

You want a computer?

You want a half-pound bag?

Dad mention anything
to you about Bobby?

I was just thinking that, uh...

you know, if Dad's OK with it,
who the hell are we?

Yeah.

Man, I never knew Dad was
so, uh... sensitive.

- A strange man.
- Strange man.

Good man.

- To you, my brother.
- To you, brother.

Hey, here's to Dad.

To Dad.

Go long! Go long!

I'm open! I'm open!

Thank you.

Give it back. Come on.

Here he is!
Here he is!

There's the man!

Playground closed?

Yes, you're late for the alternative
altar-boy competition.

There's a lot of horny kids
in there.

What's going on?

I came to return the tie
I borrowed.

Thank you.

I forgot it.

And I just wanted
to, uh, let you know

that I had the pictures checked out,
and they're real.

Of course they are.

I just want to confirm that.

Luke and I met Bobby's, uh,
what do you call him?

- Boyfriend.
- Yes.

- Lover.
- Yes.

- Fudge packer.
- Partner.

Luke and I, we liked him.

I'm sure he's a nice guy.

He is.

Jack, come on we're not
going to be singing Kumbaya

with his friends or anything,
but you know...

You know, if you guys
are expecting me

to jump on the bandwagon with this,
I'm sorry, but I can't.

Oh, come on.
Half the priesthood's gay.

So?

Oh, it's OK for them?

You guys have some idea
that being a priest means

I'm a catechism robot.

That I can just
extinguish my feelings

for some strict
interpretation of the rules.

- Yes.
- Well, here's a funny rule for ya.

Homosexuality is not wrong
in the eyes of the church.

Homosexual acts are.

Well, you're kind of splitting
pubic hairs there, Jack.

Maybe so.

Bobby and I are going to
work this out in our own way.

Luke and I are going to
express our understanding

in our own way, too.

Yes, and just to confirm,

the negative ratio of the exposed
image is pure.

- Jack. Jack.
- Jack. Jack.

Jack!

It's all right.

You know what?

Shh. Shh.

- Let's go.
- All right, let's go.

So, that was a good dinner.

- Did you like it?
- Yeah.

- Andy's meeting us here?
- Yeah.

[Lively chatter, loud music playing]

What's this?

[Chuckles]

Just go.

- Maggie?
- Hey! Hey!

[Cheering]

Hey!

This is the snap shot
I should remember,

but let me back it up.

Back, back, back, back.

Right there. Stop.

A little bit forward.

You see the poster?

That's my brother's handwriting.

Imagine the planning
that went into that.

[Cheering]

Bobby!

[Music drowning out dialogue]

Their bodies make
me want to cry.

This is not the way
I envisioned it, guys.

I don't know if I should
be happy, sad, or pissed.

Be happy.

Oh, it's a lot
of emotion for one man,

but, you know, you are gay!

[Cheering]

Hey.

Too much?

No.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[Cheering]

Times like this make me
want to dance.

[Music playing]

I'd like to make a toast...

to Andy and Bobby.

Your friendship and
your love is...

it's an inspiration.

A motivation for those of us
who haven't yet found

the perfect partner,

but looking at the two of you,

I know that it's out there.

To true love.

- ALL: True love.
- [Cheering]

I didn't mean to hide it
from you guys.

It's not like it just came up.

Hey, we lived together.
We shared a room.

I'm sorry.

All right.

It's OK.

What about Jack?

Oh, well, this is how Connor
and I are going to deal with it.

You and Jack, you've got
to figure out your own way.

So the gay thing, it...

I don't want to sound
all enlightened and profound,

but, uh... a cock
in another guy's ass or mouth,

that's going to wake
some of us up.

Some more than others,
you know?

He really shouldn't be drinking.

Or going out in public,
either one.

You can pick one,
but you can't do both.

I'm all right.

You know, I've heard of people
surprising others by coming out,

but I've never heard of the
surprise coming-out party.

Hello!

You want that?

Yeah. I'm good.

Hey, just between us three...

are you pitching or catching?

Ha ha ha.

That's a fair question.

That's a very good question.

No. You... Do you...

[Bell chiming]

Hello, Bobby.

How'd you know it was me?

I know everything.

You guys got some little
security system back there.

Don't you?

Would you like to confess?

Not really.

Well, that's kind of the thing
people do in here.

I don't have anything
to confess.

We all have something
to confess.

What do you need to confess?

You're not qualified to know.

So, I've got to be a priest

so you can open up
to your own brother?

Oh, you're going
to start lecturing me

on opening up to your brothers?

Your family, your sister?

I told Maggs.

Yeah, I know.

Let me guess,
that pisses you off

I told her and didn't tell
the rest of you.

Everything's not a competition.

What family did you grow up in?

You know what, after the last
few weeks, I'm not so sure.

Cut your little
"Good night, John Boy,"

holier-than-thou priest bullshit.

Hey, I can't stop
being a priest.

And I can't stop being gay.

No, but you can stop performing
homosexual acts.

What's the purpose of being gay?

I'm a celibate
heterosexual priest.

Yeah, and that stopped you guys
from having sex with everyone.

We're not talking
about other priests.

We're talking about me.

Maybe this isn't the place or
the time to talk about this.

Oh, no.
That's convenient for you.

You know, everyone has
this really rigid view

of how priests are
supposed to think.

Dad, in his letter to me in the will,

told me I should accept
you with open arms.

Like I could ever
stop loving you.

But that doesn't mean
I'm not praying for you.

I'm praying every day that you
make a better choice.

Yeah, that's what I need,
your condescending sympathy.

Jack, I just want things to go back
to the way they were.

How can you expect me
to look the other way

when I know you're sinning?

If God's so against homosexuality,

then why did he make me gay?

You choose to be gay.

Hell, no. It's who I am.
Just like you're a priest.

That's my calling.

Being gay is my calling.

Really?

Then why did you
hide it from Dad?

I didn't want to be blamed
for his death.

I loved Dad, Jackie...

but I didn't know how to tell him.

Hey, Dad, you're dying
but before you die,

I gotta do something for me,

'cause it's never about you,
it's always about me.

You lost the love of
your life way too early,

but you didn't make
that about you.

You made that about us.

You weren't a hugger,

but you hugged me every day
for a whole year

because I cried
about losing Mom.

Not once did I ever think,
oh, hug Dad

'cause he lost his wife,

'cause it was always about me,
it wasn't about you.

Exactly.

Don't blame me, Jack.

For the first time in my life,
by not telling him,

I was thinking about him,
instead of me,

which didn't matter
because Maggie,

who keeps a secret
about as well as a whore

keeps her legs closed,
she told him.

He didn't care.

He just wished we were closer

so I could've felt more
comfortable to tell him.

Just like a homo to get
all sappy, huh?

I could make this big dramatic
moment and slam the door,

but that's not me, Jack.

I'll see ya.

You forgot to, uh, bless yourself
with the holy water.

Hey, kid, the holy water
cleanses you

with the grace
of the Holy Spirit.

So, there you have it.

My gay Chicago story.

Now, if my life were a movie,

I'd probably cue
some cool music.

[Music playing]

And show some people loving me.

Like my co-workers.

That's something to celebrate!

Good for you! [Mouths]

And my family.

[Music drowning out dialogue]

And of course Andy.

Everyone here knows
you're gay anyway, Bobby!

Everybody knows.
It's in your little walk.

They see it.

Andy's therapist would tell me
that my life isn't a movie...

that everybody doesn't love me.

I don't save the day,
I don't get the guy,

and I most definitely don't
ride off into the sunset.

Andy's therapist...

he can go fuck himself.

OK, see ya next week.

OK, I got to tell you a secret.

Don't tell anyone.

When I was in high school,

I learned how
to forge Dad's handwriting.

You know, so I could
write myself notes

to get out of class.

You know those letters
the boys got in the will?

Yeah, Dad didn't write those.

I did.

All right, bye.

(music) Yeah (music)

(music) Well, the wrecks,
toss and mix (music)

(music) This old wheel keeps spinning round (music)

(music) Get your kicks, take my licks (music)

(music) This whole deal is lost and found (music)

(music) No surprise, tell me lies (music)

(music) I've been down this hole before (music)

(music) Criticize, apologize (music)

(music) Try to quit but I need more (music)

(music) And I'm two steps
closer to midnight (music)

(music) And I'm not turning blue (music)

(music) I'm two steps
closer to midnight (music)

(music) A stranger in my shoes (music)

(music) You know I do it all right (music)

(music) If I knew just what to do (music)

(music) Well, I'm two steps
closer to midnight (music)

(music) I wish I was,
I wish was with you (music)

(music) Flip the bird, thin the herd (music)

(music) I don't need it anymore (music)

(music) Speak the word,
feel absurd (music)

(music) It's all coming true (music)

Oh, hey, you think
I forgot about you guys?

So, yeah, I'm gay.

And the problem with making
the movie of my gay life

is there won't be any action.

No stunts.

Like a gay Fie Hard.

Now that'd be good,
but you try raising money

for Raider's of the Lost Ark

meets Billy's First Hollywood Kiss.

So settle for two guys
talking about their feelings

in a gay artsy way.

No stunts.

Ninjas!

[Grunting]

The actor playing Bobby
couldn't do this stunt.

That's why I'm here
to finish his dialogue.

The penis is a very wonderful
and tasty appendage.

- I can't say this shit!
- [Horn blaring]

Ohh!

Hoo!

{{}}

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