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[President Trump] Ahh!
3
00:00:10,595 --> 00:00:12,720
So nice to get away
from politics
4
00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:14,178
and enjoy a pro-military,
5
00:00:14,261 --> 00:00:16,303
corporate-worshipping
gladiator match.
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00:00:16,387 --> 00:00:17,720
And I'm here
with my best friends --
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00:00:17,804 --> 00:00:19,053
the man who picked a fight
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00:00:19,136 --> 00:00:20,804
with the biggest, baddest
reporter at NPR...
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Hey, hey.
10
00:00:22,303 --> 00:00:24,095
...and my two lawyers
banned from giving blood.
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00:00:24,178 --> 00:00:25,553
We can give
as much as we want!
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00:00:25,637 --> 00:00:27,053
Yeah! They just
have to burn it!
13
00:00:27,136 --> 00:00:28,804
Look! It's your
big campaign ad!
14
00:00:28,887 --> 00:00:30,428
Shut up, Melania!
It's on!
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00:00:30,512 --> 00:00:33,387
Every night, I talk
on the phone with Jon Voight.
16
00:00:33,470 --> 00:00:34,387
[beep]
Hello, America.
17
00:00:34,470 --> 00:00:36,053
Let me introduce myself,
18
00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:37,637
because you will never
meet me in person.
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00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:39,095
I'm Michael Bloomberg,
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00:00:39,178 --> 00:00:40,512
and I bought out
Donald Trump's airtime.
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00:00:40,595 --> 00:00:41,845
Oh! What the hell?!
He already had
22
00:00:41,929 --> 00:00:43,762
a heartbreaking
Super Bowl ad!
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00:00:43,845 --> 00:00:46,095
Eh, no big deal.
I got out the Voight thing.
24
00:00:46,178 --> 00:00:49,512
This cost me $50 million,
but no price is too high
25
00:00:49,595 --> 00:00:51,470
when it comes
to buying this election,
26
00:00:51,553 --> 00:00:53,679
so that's basically how
this whole thing's gonna go.
27
00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:56,011
I'm buying this election,
and you can't stop me.
28
00:00:56,095 --> 00:00:57,804
There's nothing
you people can do.
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00:00:57,887 --> 00:00:59,637
I defy you to even try.
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Okay. Wow.
He's doing it for me.
31
00:01:01,970 --> 00:01:03,845
Okay.
That's all I really got.
32
00:01:03,929 --> 00:01:06,553
Looks like we've got
another 30 seconds to kill.
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00:01:06,637 --> 00:01:08,428
Let's throw in
some patriotic stuff.
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00:01:08,512 --> 00:01:10,804
Looks nice. Yep.
35
00:01:10,887 --> 00:01:12,720
That says it all.
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00:01:12,804 --> 00:01:15,512
I am not sure what this one is.
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No, next.
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We're not doing this one. Next.
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This is a tourist trap.
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What's in that guy's hands?
Oh, yuck!
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He's right. That is yucky.
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00:01:25,303 --> 00:01:28,053
So, good luck with your little
football thing, everybody.
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I hope the Tigers beat
the Lasers or whatever.
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[tense music plays]
Ugh! Another ad?!
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00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:34,595
I hate how much
they've commercialized
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Pepsi Presents Football.
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[narrator]
Betrayal, wrath, vengeance.
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[owl hoots]
From the master of suspense,
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00:01:40,929 --> 00:01:44,053
former National Security
Adviser John Bolton...
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00:01:44,136 --> 00:01:45,762
Ha ha! Hi, there!
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00:01:45,845 --> 00:01:47,220
[narrator]
...comes a twisted new tale
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00:01:47,303 --> 00:01:49,345
of Executive Office intrigue.
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00:01:49,428 --> 00:01:52,720
"The Room Where It Happened,"
available wherever and whenever
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00:01:52,804 --> 00:01:56,011
it's most financially
advantageous to John Bolton.
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Just remember --
it seems exciting,
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but at the end of the day,
it's still a book.
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[narrator] And soon to be
a major motion picture.
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00:02:02,762 --> 00:02:04,887
Damn it!
59
00:02:04,970 --> 00:02:09,095
[Bernie Sanders] These letters
should all be the same size!
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00:02:09,178 --> 00:02:11,303
Looks worse, but it's better!
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00:02:12,637 --> 00:02:14,637
[news jingle plays]
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I'm Lester Holt.
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00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:17,845
And looking this serious
requires clenching
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every muscle in my body.
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Despite analysts' predictions,
the economy shows
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00:02:21,428 --> 00:02:23,929
no signs of slowing, like
a racehorse on its 500th lap
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00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,970
moments before
its heart explodes.
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00:02:26,053 --> 00:02:27,011
President Trump is keeping faith
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00:02:27,095 --> 00:02:29,095
that our economy
will stay strong.
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[President Trump]
We love this economy, huh?!
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00:02:31,136 --> 00:02:33,136
It's so great
that you should overlook
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that I cause a biweekly
constitutional crisis!
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[cheers and applause]
And because a vibrant economy
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00:02:39,470 --> 00:02:42,720
is my only remaining argument
for re-election,
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00:02:42,804 --> 00:02:45,303
the economy
would never forsake us!
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00:02:45,387 --> 00:02:46,679
[thunder crashes]
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Don't worry.
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I'm sure
the ominous thunder clap
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right after I claim
to speak for a higher power
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is purely coinci-- Aah!
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[cheers and applause]
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Hey, folks, folks,
listen, folks.
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A lot of people are saying
that I've lost touch,
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00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:02,804
that before Iowa, I might
accidentally endorse apartheid,
85
00:03:02,887 --> 00:03:04,887
but I've never been sharper!
[cheers and applause]
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00:03:04,970 --> 00:03:07,804
I've got great blood circulation
in my eyeballs,
87
00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:10,929
and they haven't found spinal
fluid in my urine for weeks!
88
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Hell, I'm gonna live forever!
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[thunder crashes]
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00:03:14,095 --> 00:03:16,053
I'm sure
the ominous thunder clap
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00:03:16,136 --> 00:03:18,720
right after my direct challenge
to Father Time
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is just a coinci-- Aah!
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Hell, I'm not worried!
[thunder crashes]
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Aah!
[people screaming]
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Dad, my banker friend Slerve
got laid off,
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and now he wants to cancel
our hunting trip!
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Please inform him that
the economy is the tits
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and he shouldn't cancel.
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The economy loves you, Slerve.
Don't lose faith.
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[Slerve]
Yeah, whatever, dude.
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Dad, our hotels
are half-empty,
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and economists say
the first sign of a downturn
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is vacancies
at overpriced ratholes!
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00:03:46,178 --> 00:03:48,345
Boys, the economy
is testing us,
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just like it did
in the early '90s,
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the mid-'90s,
the mid-late '90s,
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00:03:52,095 --> 00:03:53,762
and every three years
since then.
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Those were tough times.
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[Don Jr.] I'll never forget
watching our bank accounts
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flatline.
[thunder crashes]
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[Eric]
I almost swore off money
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and became one of those guys
that takes baths in the ocean.
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But then the economy
blessed us with a miracle --
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money from my daddy
and Russia.
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Everything's gonna be fine.
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Just ask my perfectly calm
Treasury Secretary.
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Go, go, go! Don't worry about
the suitcase full of cash!
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It'll be worthless
in two hours!
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Where are you headed,
'Nuch?!
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To sink your savings into
this roaring stock market?!
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Yeah.
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00:04:24,136 --> 00:04:26,220
Hey, if my wife, Louise,
asks where I am,
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ask her what
her favorite hobby is
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then say I'm buying her
whatever clothes or tools
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are associated
with that hobby.
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What are you waiting for,
idiot?!
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[helicopter blades whirring]
129
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Joe, we saw your
last campaign speech!
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It was magnificent!
131
00:04:41,762 --> 00:04:44,512
Like watching Mozart lead
a symphony of self-delusion.
132
00:04:44,595 --> 00:04:48,345
But we're a tad concerned
that you're not "with it."
133
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Hey, come on, folks!
Would somebody not "with it"
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remember every word from
his favorite song growing up?
135
00:04:53,595 --> 00:04:55,637
Come on, folks!
Everybody up!
136
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,345
It's time for
"Milkshake U-S-A"!
137
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Come on, everybody,
from Nevada to Maine
138
00:05:01,136 --> 00:05:03,053
-Okay, Joe. Got it.
It's Milkshake U-S-A
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00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,679
-Joe, that's good.
-Joe, that's enough.
140
00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:06,887
-[singing gibberish]
-Well, we can...can it now.
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00:05:06,970 --> 00:05:08,261
Alright. Stop it!
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- Milkshake U-S-A
-Jesus, Joe!
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If you don't get with it,
you'll lose to Trump,
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00:05:11,762 --> 00:05:14,804
and there goes the dream
of Milkshake U-S-A!
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00:05:14,887 --> 00:05:17,261
Oh, crap!
Now I am worried!
146
00:05:17,345 --> 00:05:19,261
[President Trump]
This is gonna sound crazy,
147
00:05:19,345 --> 00:05:22,261
but how important is the economy
to my re-election anyway?
148
00:05:22,345 --> 00:05:24,970
It's the whole thing, pal, okay?
I had Brad run the numbers.
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00:05:25,053 --> 00:05:27,553
-Who's Brad? Are you Brad?
-[sighs] No.
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Brad Parscale,
your campaign manager.
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00:05:30,387 --> 00:05:32,845
Oh, the guy I hired because he
looks and acts like the devil?
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00:05:32,929 --> 00:05:34,512
[Parscale] Sir!
[both scream]
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00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:36,178
Polls say that voters'
top issue is the economy,
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00:05:36,261 --> 00:05:37,762
second is how much money
they have,
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00:05:37,845 --> 00:05:39,220
third is how much stuff
they can buy,
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00:05:39,303 --> 00:05:40,887
and fourth is abortion.
Phew!
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00:05:40,970 --> 00:05:43,136
-Namely, the price of them.
-I call bullshit.
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00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:45,345
My supporters
are all multi-faceted,
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00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:48,553
emotionally complex,
deeply erotic human beings.
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00:05:48,637 --> 00:05:52,303
Money isn't everything.
It's not gonna make you happy.
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That's why I'm changing
my campaign slogan to
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"Make America Meaningful Again."
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[man coughs]
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00:06:01,804 --> 00:06:05,303
Okay, so,
I-I'm gonna head on out.
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[shoes clicking]
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[President Trump]
Okay, that was fucked up.
167
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They really like money.
168
00:06:17,220 --> 00:06:19,970
Let's get out of here.
This state smells like shit.
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[engine starts]
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00:06:21,387 --> 00:06:23,637
God! I'm, like, shaking.
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00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,011
[suspenseful music plays]
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Welcome to the last
Democratic debate
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before the Iowa caucuses,
where, somehow,
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40% of this entire election
will be decided.
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00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:32,345
Let's meet the candidates.
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00:06:32,428 --> 00:06:34,220
I'm Joe Biden,
and I think we're good.
177
00:06:34,303 --> 00:06:37,178
I'm Elizabeth Warren,
and we shouldn't bet on a guy
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00:06:37,261 --> 00:06:39,929
who's mistaken me for
Hillary Clinton and his wife
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00:06:40,011 --> 00:06:41,470
in the same conversation!
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00:06:41,553 --> 00:06:44,220
Hillary, geez!
Let's talk about this at home!
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00:06:44,303 --> 00:06:46,970
Joe, it's time to step aside
and let a younger,
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dangerously unqualified
generation take the mantle.
183
00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:51,345
-It's mine!
-Joe, get...
184
00:06:51,428 --> 00:06:54,095
-Get the fuck out, Joe!
-That's enough!
185
00:06:54,178 --> 00:06:56,512
I can take a hint!
I'm no stupid!
186
00:06:56,595 --> 00:06:59,136
Maybe it's time
for Joe Biden to step aside
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00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:01,845
and enjoy the retirement
he so richly deserves.
188
00:07:01,929 --> 00:07:03,053
[candidates and crowd] Yes!
189
00:07:03,136 --> 00:07:05,011
Or m-a-a-aybe it's time
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00:07:05,095 --> 00:07:07,720
to show America that
I'm more with it than ever!
191
00:07:07,804 --> 00:07:09,261
[candidates and crowd] No!
192
00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:10,720
I don't care.
That's the one I'm gonna do.
193
00:07:10,804 --> 00:07:12,220
194
00:07:12,303 --> 00:07:14,887
Oh, Heavenly Economy,
who art in Wall Street,
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00:07:14,970 --> 00:07:18,261
please bless me with good news
I can rub in Maxine Waters' face
196
00:07:18,345 --> 00:07:19,970
in my State of the Union speech.
197
00:07:20,053 --> 00:07:22,387
[Don Jr. sobbing]
198
00:07:22,470 --> 00:07:24,053
Slerve!
199
00:07:24,136 --> 00:07:25,303
What's wrong, Don?
200
00:07:25,387 --> 00:07:26,595
Did you just find out
I didn't win
201
00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:29,762
North Carolina's Annual
Hefty Dad of the Year Award?
202
00:07:29,845 --> 00:07:33,887
Because of the economy, Slerve
canceled the hunting trip!
203
00:07:33,970 --> 00:07:36,053
Don, you take three
hunting trips a month.
204
00:07:36,136 --> 00:07:39,887
But I was planning to feed
an antelope its own ass!
205
00:07:39,970 --> 00:07:42,387
My God, Don!
I had no idea!
206
00:07:42,470 --> 00:07:44,679
[Eric]
Dad, it happened!
207
00:07:44,762 --> 00:07:47,387
I told you your hot wife
would leave you eventually.
208
00:07:47,470 --> 00:07:51,512
Not that yet. We had to
shut down three hotels!
209
00:07:51,595 --> 00:07:54,428
It's as if consumer appetite
for watching rats
210
00:07:54,512 --> 00:07:57,720
gnaw on chrome chandeliers
has disappeared!
211
00:07:57,804 --> 00:08:01,261
Dad, tell everyone the
economists are lying heathens!
212
00:08:01,345 --> 00:08:03,762
Yeah, Dad!
Spread the gospel!
213
00:08:03,845 --> 00:08:07,095
I don't know. I never
considered myself a prophet.
214
00:08:07,178 --> 00:08:09,053
I'm just a humble egomaniac
215
00:08:09,136 --> 00:08:11,512
with a complete disregard
for right and wrong.
216
00:08:11,595 --> 00:08:14,553
Hey. A great man
once told Slerve,
217
00:08:14,637 --> 00:08:17,720
"The economy loves you.
Don't lose faith."
218
00:08:17,804 --> 00:08:18,929
ominous music plays
219
00:08:19,011 --> 00:08:20,845
[mouse squeaks]
[gulps, caws]
220
00:08:20,929 --> 00:08:24,595
Wow! If that's not a good sign,
I don't know what is!
221
00:08:24,679 --> 00:08:25,762
I'll do it!
222
00:08:25,845 --> 00:08:27,887
enthusiastic music plays
223
00:08:27,970 --> 00:08:31,136
224
00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,637
[President Trump] The State
of the Union is in 72 hours.
225
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,929
Miller, how's the writing going?
Excellent, sir!
226
00:08:36,011 --> 00:08:39,720
Every time I think of a new
euphemism for white genocide,
227
00:08:39,804 --> 00:08:43,595
my [clears throat] fiancée
gives me a peck on my forehead!
228
00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:45,845
[all groan and shudder]
Oh, be happy for me!
229
00:08:45,929 --> 00:08:47,470
Alright.
How do we show Americans
230
00:08:47,553 --> 00:08:49,637
that they live
on a big, fancy yacht?
231
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,428
I can dress up
as a dolphin.
232
00:08:51,512 --> 00:08:54,011
Ben, we'd all love to see that,
but think bigger.
233
00:08:54,095 --> 00:08:55,970
-I can dress up as a whale.
-You see, Ben?
234
00:08:56,053 --> 00:08:58,553
Now, that's an idea!
What else, while we're hot?
235
00:08:58,637 --> 00:09:00,303
Barr, your good name
is synonymous with
236
00:09:00,387 --> 00:09:01,887
Christian virtue.
What do ya got?
237
00:09:01,970 --> 00:09:05,303
Well, I suppose we could make it
legal to kill economists.
238
00:09:05,387 --> 00:09:06,970
[all gasp]
Okay.
239
00:09:07,053 --> 00:09:08,637
That's pretty extreme,
but definitely stay after --
240
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,136
I want to game that out.
241
00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:12,845
Uh, I have a non-costume,
non-murder idea.
242
00:09:12,929 --> 00:09:14,720
[all] Ooh!
243
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,970
Thinking outside the box,
Larry Kudlow. What do ya got?
244
00:09:17,053 --> 00:09:20,095
Uh, I just realized
it is a costume idea.
245
00:09:20,178 --> 00:09:24,553
Sorry. Lost a step after
the entire decade of cocaine.
246
00:09:24,637 --> 00:09:28,136
[Kudlow] Costume idea!
Oh, yeah!
247
00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:30,762
The American economy
has never been stronger.
248
00:09:30,845 --> 00:09:33,136
If you don't believe me,
direct your attention
249
00:09:33,220 --> 00:09:35,512
to the poorest American,
Mike Pence.
250
00:09:35,595 --> 00:09:38,220
I just bought a Rolls-Royce,
brand-name toothpaste,
251
00:09:38,303 --> 00:09:39,637
and a bird that talks.
252
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,011
Whoo-wee!
[applause]
253
00:09:41,095 --> 00:09:42,804
Michael.
What is this?
254
00:09:42,887 --> 00:09:44,553
Oh, my lively butler.
255
00:09:44,637 --> 00:09:46,595
[hushed] Just go with it.
I'll explain everything
256
00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:48,261
during our evening
side-hug.
257
00:09:48,345 --> 00:09:49,845
[posh accent]
Oooooh!
258
00:09:49,929 --> 00:09:53,178
Do you require anything else,
Monsieur Pence?
259
00:09:53,261 --> 00:09:55,845
Perhaps some
salted hand-nuts?
260
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,387
[posh accent]
No, fine lady.
261
00:09:57,470 --> 00:09:59,804
And may I say, you do look
dashing in that frock.
262
00:09:59,887 --> 00:10:02,470
Oh, how I've longed for
the day you'd say that!
263
00:10:02,553 --> 00:10:04,220
But we're from
two different worlds --
264
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:08,428
I a penniless harpsichord
prodigy from Provence,
265
00:10:08,512 --> 00:10:12,011
and you, Paris' most famous
leather salesman!
266
00:10:12,095 --> 00:10:14,595
Leather sales be damned!
I don't need money!
267
00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:17,220
We'll run off to Switzerland
and live in the mountains.
268
00:10:17,303 --> 00:10:18,178
I'll breed sheep,
269
00:10:18,261 --> 00:10:21,261
and you'll milk 'em.
270
00:10:21,345 --> 00:10:24,470
So, you know...things are good.
271
00:10:24,553 --> 00:10:27,637
[Biden] I need your help
appearing "with it"!
272
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,679
Tell you what --
I'll show you how to pass
273
00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:31,679
your nanny state bills,
providing everyone
274
00:10:31,762 --> 00:10:34,553
government-issued breast milk
until age 26.
275
00:10:34,637 --> 00:10:36,553
I already have three
co-sponsors on that bill.
276
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:39,970
Plus, I can't support you.
You're establishment.
277
00:10:40,053 --> 00:10:41,512
Don't you want
to hedge your bet
278
00:10:41,595 --> 00:10:43,762
in case somehow America
doesn't go all-in
279
00:10:43,845 --> 00:10:46,345
on a white-haired, raving
Jewish socialist?
280
00:10:46,428 --> 00:10:48,303
Fine. But we can't be seen
together in public.
281
00:10:48,387 --> 00:10:50,387
People don't
recognize me anyway.
282
00:10:50,470 --> 00:10:52,762
They think I'm one of those
big dolls you put on your porch
283
00:10:52,845 --> 00:10:54,762
to scare trick-or-treaters!
284
00:10:54,845 --> 00:10:57,762
Because the economy
is so bountiful,
285
00:10:57,845 --> 00:10:59,762
we have reached full employment.
286
00:10:59,845 --> 00:11:01,470
And I know it's full
because we found
287
00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:04,345
the most unemployable American
a job.
288
00:11:04,428 --> 00:11:06,428
I got a job
sitting in a field!
289
00:11:06,512 --> 00:11:08,303
Show 'em
how it's done, Eric!
290
00:11:08,387 --> 00:11:10,637
No one bother him.
He's working.
291
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,428
-[Acosta] Mr. President?
-'Sup?
292
00:11:12,512 --> 00:11:14,720
According to The Post, in 2005,
you said Eric wasn't fit
293
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,387
to look at a field,
let alone sit in one.
294
00:11:16,470 --> 00:11:18,679
Do you expect us to believe that
he's been hired to do just that?
295
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,387
Mind you,
he's already sleeping.
296
00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:21,970
[snoring]
297
00:11:22,053 --> 00:11:25,345
Okay. Forget Eric.
Let's focus on the positive.
298
00:11:25,428 --> 00:11:28,303
Mike Pence found love
with a homely butleress.
299
00:11:28,387 --> 00:11:31,136
You first laid eyes upon me
as a butler,
300
00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:34,428
and you'll see me that way
for the rest of your life!
301
00:11:34,512 --> 00:11:36,095
-[sobbing]
-Abigail! No!
302
00:11:36,178 --> 00:11:38,845
Dad!
I wet the field!
303
00:11:38,929 --> 00:11:40,178
[groans]
304
00:11:40,261 --> 00:11:41,762
[jazz music playing]
[man] Hey!
305
00:11:41,845 --> 00:11:43,720
It's one of those dolls that
scares trick-or-treaters.
306
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,845
Thanks!
Don't forget to vote!
307
00:11:45,929 --> 00:11:47,679
Alright.
Let's get me woke here.
308
00:11:47,762 --> 00:11:51,303
I assume the first step
is apologizing for existing!
309
00:11:51,387 --> 00:11:54,303
I'm sooooooo soorrrrrry.
310
00:11:54,387 --> 00:11:55,970
Apology accepted.
311
00:11:56,053 --> 00:11:58,303
Next, you need to learn
to talk about everyone
312
00:11:58,387 --> 00:12:00,595
the same way you talk
about white people.
313
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,887
Got it. I'll talk about
everyone the same,
314
00:12:02,970 --> 00:12:05,303
even this one hepcat
from the old neighborhood.
315
00:12:05,387 --> 00:12:06,553
Went by "Sugarpuff."
316
00:12:06,637 --> 00:12:08,970
He was a bad mama-jamma,
old Shug.
317
00:12:09,053 --> 00:12:11,637
Played drums on the corner
by bangin' two switchblades
318
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,553
on a can
of sweet potatoes.
319
00:12:13,637 --> 00:12:16,261
And that's why
I should be president!
320
00:12:16,345 --> 00:12:17,553
How'd I do?
321
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:18,970
Maybe stay away
from race entirely.
322
00:12:19,053 --> 00:12:20,553
-Got it, chickpea.
-And gender.
323
00:12:20,637 --> 00:12:22,512
But that only leaves
three words --
324
00:12:22,595 --> 00:12:25,345
"look," "folks,"
and "America."
325
00:12:25,428 --> 00:12:27,553
[singsong voice]
Guess what's here!
326
00:12:27,637 --> 00:12:30,303
It's the Department
of Labor report.
327
00:12:30,387 --> 00:12:31,595
Oh, my God, Daddy!
328
00:12:31,679 --> 00:12:33,637
I bet America
added so many jobs
329
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,845
that it'll never
have to work again!
330
00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:37,387
Is everything okay?
331
00:12:37,470 --> 00:12:40,428
You look like you did when
I told you Jared's religion.
332
00:12:40,512 --> 00:12:42,595
Yes.
The economy is good.
333
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,929
That's what it says.
"Economy. Good."
334
00:12:45,011 --> 00:12:46,553
Yay!
335
00:12:46,637 --> 00:12:49,970
Can I still afford landscapers
to ride like ponies?
336
00:12:50,053 --> 00:12:53,303
Not only that, you can pay for
their inevitable back surgery.
337
00:12:53,387 --> 00:12:56,136
I don't think I will,
but whoa!
338
00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:57,387
[thunder crashes]
339
00:12:57,470 --> 00:12:59,387
We love this economy, huh?!
340
00:12:59,470 --> 00:13:01,011
It's definitely good!
341
00:13:01,095 --> 00:13:02,553
Otherwise, why would I be
342
00:13:02,637 --> 00:13:05,428
metaphorically showing up
at your door at 2 a.m.
343
00:13:05,512 --> 00:13:08,470
covered in sweat, screaming,
"You gotta believe me"?!
344
00:13:08,553 --> 00:13:09,553
[cheers and applause]
[Don Jr.] Dad!
345
00:13:09,637 --> 00:13:11,011
Because you said
346
00:13:11,095 --> 00:13:13,220
that the economy
is rocking my nads again,
347
00:13:13,303 --> 00:13:15,428
Slerve uncanceled
the hunting trip!
348
00:13:15,512 --> 00:13:17,970
I'm gonna feed an antelope
its own ass!
349
00:13:18,053 --> 00:13:20,387
[sobbing] Thanks, Dad!
[thunder crashes]
350
00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:21,512
[chatter]
351
00:13:21,595 --> 00:13:23,220
Crap. There's people of color!
352
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,720
I just know I'm gonna say
something dumb!
353
00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:28,387
No, you're not.
Just stick to your words.
354
00:13:28,470 --> 00:13:30,220
dramatic music plays
355
00:13:30,303 --> 00:13:31,720
[groans]
356
00:13:31,804 --> 00:13:33,595
Look...folks.
357
00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:35,387
Look...look.
358
00:13:35,470 --> 00:13:37,011
Come on, now!
359
00:13:37,095 --> 00:13:38,387
I mean, geez!
360
00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:40,011
Folks! Trump!
361
00:13:40,095 --> 00:13:41,595
Ukraine! Iran!
362
00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:43,387
This isn't who we are!
363
00:13:43,470 --> 00:13:45,762
Look, look, look!
I'm telling you!
364
00:13:45,845 --> 00:13:47,512
You know what I mean, folks?
365
00:13:47,595 --> 00:13:49,178
[cheers and applause]
366
00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:51,470
[man] My aunt was right!
You rock!
367
00:13:51,553 --> 00:13:53,595
I threw in some words
we didn't agree on.
368
00:13:53,679 --> 00:13:55,261
I hope that's okay.
369
00:13:55,345 --> 00:13:58,053
Hey, so, how do I pass
sweeping legislation, anyway?
370
00:13:58,136 --> 00:14:01,428
Alright. Here are the unredacted
Epstein jet flight logs.
371
00:14:01,512 --> 00:14:03,595
It's all the leverage
you need, chickpea.
372
00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:06,011
-Oh, sorry.
-I'll let it slide this ti--
373
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,804
-Holy shit!
-Crazy, right?
374
00:14:07,887 --> 00:14:09,845
Bill Clinton took
an eight-hour flight
375
00:14:09,929 --> 00:14:13,136
from Palm Beach
to West Palm Beach.
376
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,512
377
00:14:14,595 --> 00:14:17,470
[labored breathing]
378
00:14:17,553 --> 00:14:20,136
Mr. President.
Are you okay?
379
00:14:20,220 --> 00:14:23,095
Yeah. It's just the economy,
impeachment, my presidency.
380
00:14:23,178 --> 00:14:25,804
It's all going so well,
it's freaking me out!
381
00:14:25,887 --> 00:14:27,512
-Really?
-Are you saying I'm lying?!
382
00:14:27,595 --> 00:14:29,178
I'm not lying!
383
00:14:29,261 --> 00:14:30,553
-Psycho.
-I heard that!
384
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:31,970
-Dad!
-Eric's here.
385
00:14:32,053 --> 00:14:34,428
Eric is a worker. Eric,
say the economy is good.
386
00:14:34,512 --> 00:14:35,679
I got fired!
387
00:14:35,762 --> 00:14:37,553
The Chinese
bought the field
388
00:14:37,637 --> 00:14:39,804
and even made me
train my replacement.
389
00:14:39,887 --> 00:14:43,220
I made a friend for life,
but it was humiliating.
390
00:14:43,303 --> 00:14:45,303
That's good!
The economy did that!
391
00:14:45,387 --> 00:14:46,595
The economy is good!
392
00:14:46,679 --> 00:14:49,387
EVERYTHING IS GOOD!
393
00:14:49,470 --> 00:14:52,804
Yikes! He sounds like
President of the nuthouse.
394
00:14:52,887 --> 00:14:54,762
[chuckles]
Uh, more on that later,
395
00:14:54,845 --> 00:14:57,595
because we're joined by
Vice President Joe Biden,
396
00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,679
fresh off his
show-stopping performance.
397
00:14:59,762 --> 00:15:01,345
Hey, folks, look!
I'm with it!
398
00:15:01,428 --> 00:15:03,095
This is America!
Come on!
399
00:15:03,178 --> 00:15:05,970
It sure is.
And what a country it is, huh?
400
00:15:06,053 --> 00:15:07,095
And -- Oh, my God!
401
00:15:07,178 --> 00:15:08,679
My eyes are bleeding,
aren't they?
402
00:15:08,762 --> 00:15:11,136
It appears so.
Uh, wow. Gaffe alert.
403
00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:14,512
Ah, crap! I'm rattled!
What was I saying?
404
00:15:14,595 --> 00:15:16,345
Oh, yeah -- Back in '59,
405
00:15:16,428 --> 00:15:19,512
Sugarpuff and his friends and
me and my friends -- white --
406
00:15:19,595 --> 00:15:22,178
arranged a public fight
with the winner getting to call
407
00:15:22,261 --> 00:15:24,804
Jumpin' Jacks Soda Shop
their territory.
408
00:15:24,887 --> 00:15:26,804
I called it off when
a social worker said
409
00:15:26,887 --> 00:15:28,762
Sugarpuff is eight years old.
410
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:32,178
But that's life in
Milkshake U-S-A, isn't it?
411
00:15:32,261 --> 00:15:35,220
[President Trump] The State
of the Union is in 24 hours!
412
00:15:35,303 --> 00:15:36,970
Assuming my speech
is three hours long
413
00:15:37,053 --> 00:15:38,720
with a five-hour
standing ovation,
414
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:41,345
that leaves 32 hours
to fix the economy!
415
00:15:41,428 --> 00:15:44,679
Private-island time. See you
on the other side, everyone.
416
00:15:44,762 --> 00:15:46,220
I'm taking this.
417
00:15:46,303 --> 00:15:48,845
Hey, we can save this
economy, Mr. President.
418
00:15:48,929 --> 00:15:50,553
Here's what I'm thinking.
419
00:15:50,637 --> 00:15:52,637
Immediately inject the banks
420
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,679
with five trillion dollars
in taxpayer cash.
421
00:15:55,762 --> 00:15:57,762
[Kudlow] Okay.
422
00:15:57,845 --> 00:16:01,136
So, the bankers gave themselves
five-trillion-dollar bonuses.
423
00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:05,387
In my defense, that hasn't
happened since last time.
424
00:16:05,470 --> 00:16:07,261
425
00:16:07,345 --> 00:16:09,178
[Ocasio] Why did you
stay on Meet the Press
426
00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:10,929
for the full hour?
427
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:13,345
I had to talk about the knife
fight with Sugarpuff's dad.
428
00:16:13,428 --> 00:16:16,261
No, you didn't!
That story was offensive.
429
00:16:16,345 --> 00:16:18,845
And, by the way, no one cares
about these Epstein flight logs.
430
00:16:18,929 --> 00:16:20,261
Somehow, the public
is comfortable
431
00:16:20,345 --> 00:16:21,929
with a global sex ring!
432
00:16:22,011 --> 00:16:23,804
Ow! Oh, no!
433
00:16:23,887 --> 00:16:27,011
I can't remember the lyrics
to "Milkshake U-S-A"!
434
00:16:27,095 --> 00:16:28,845
dramatic music plays
435
00:16:28,929 --> 00:16:30,595
[bell ringing]
436
00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,470
That's the closing bell.
437
00:16:32,553 --> 00:16:34,220
And even though
the markets are closed,
438
00:16:34,303 --> 00:16:36,261
the Dow is somehow
still erratically
439
00:16:36,345 --> 00:16:39,428
snapping back and forth
between being up 1,000 points
440
00:16:39,512 --> 00:16:41,220
and then down 5,000 points.
441
00:16:41,303 --> 00:16:43,261
And to make this day
even more disturbing,
442
00:16:43,345 --> 00:16:46,011
on my way to work, I saw
a flower wilt in two seconds,
443
00:16:46,095 --> 00:16:47,887
looked in a mirror,
and saw the back of my head!
444
00:16:47,970 --> 00:16:49,178
And last night,
I died in my dream.
445
00:16:49,261 --> 00:16:50,637
Needless to say,
ladies and gentlemen,
446
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,136
we're witnessing a death blow
447
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,261
to the dynasty that was
the Trump economy.
448
00:16:54,345 --> 00:16:56,595
In my defense, the only reason
I lied about the economy
449
00:16:56,679 --> 00:16:57,970
was because
it was easier.
450
00:16:58,053 --> 00:17:00,053
But it hurt total bros
like Slerve
451
00:17:00,136 --> 00:17:02,470
who took unnecessary risks
and lost it all!
452
00:17:02,553 --> 00:17:04,470
He had to move
from the Upper East Side
453
00:17:04,553 --> 00:17:07,970
to a five-bedroom, six-bath
in Scarsdale!
454
00:17:08,053 --> 00:17:10,303
When he wants to go home
after work drinks,
455
00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:12,512
he has to take
the Metro North!
456
00:17:12,595 --> 00:17:16,261
How could a just economy
let that happen to a former
457
00:17:16,345 --> 00:17:19,845
starting midfielder from
the Hobart lacrosse team?!
458
00:17:19,929 --> 00:17:21,804
[sobbing] How?!
You know what?
459
00:17:21,887 --> 00:17:24,387
I don't even believe
in the economy anymore!
460
00:17:24,470 --> 00:17:25,428
Ditto!
461
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,887
[gasps]
Get out of my house!
462
00:17:27,970 --> 00:17:29,303
-Dad! No!
-Where will we stay?!
463
00:17:29,387 --> 00:17:31,303
Oh, yeah.
Well, Slerve's, of course.
464
00:17:31,387 --> 00:17:33,387
He's got a theater
in his basement.
465
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:36,136
You ever watch football so loud
it gives you a concussion?
466
00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:38,887
[Eric] No, but I'm eager to try!
[door closes]
467
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:40,303
suspenseful music plays
468
00:17:40,387 --> 00:17:43,178
The economy is coming
to punish me, Melania.
469
00:17:43,261 --> 00:17:46,679
It's only a matter of time
before I lose the presidency
470
00:17:46,762 --> 00:17:49,011
and everything I've worked
so hard to be handed.
471
00:17:49,095 --> 00:17:50,679
Yeah, yeah. Sounds good.
472
00:17:50,762 --> 00:17:52,470
[narrator]
Welcome back to Half-Ton Toe.
473
00:17:52,553 --> 00:17:54,679
Tonight, how could this mom
let her toe get so big?
474
00:17:54,762 --> 00:17:58,053
I just pray the economy
is merciful and doesn't destroy
475
00:17:58,136 --> 00:17:59,845
my State of the Union speech.
Mm-hmm.
476
00:17:59,929 --> 00:18:02,261
Any last words before
I descend to hell?
477
00:18:02,345 --> 00:18:05,553
You should have gotten that toe
checked out years ago!
478
00:18:05,637 --> 00:18:07,679
[thunder crashes]
479
00:18:07,762 --> 00:18:09,136
[sleepily]
Alright, look, folks.
480
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:11,345
Come on, now. This is America.
481
00:18:11,428 --> 00:18:13,512
[mumbling]
482
00:18:13,595 --> 00:18:16,428
What's going on here?
W-what's that?
483
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,387
Hey, Milkshake! I've been
looking all over for you!
484
00:18:19,470 --> 00:18:22,095
You remember the lyrics
to "Milkshake U-S-A"?
485
00:18:22,178 --> 00:18:24,679
I'm not tellin'!
You'd forget them anyway!
486
00:18:24,762 --> 00:18:27,261
Oh, I really miss that song.
How about this?
487
00:18:27,345 --> 00:18:30,887
I'll give you the unredacted
flight logs for the Epstein jet.
488
00:18:30,970 --> 00:18:33,553
-Really?!
-Yeah. Got 'em right here.
489
00:18:33,637 --> 00:18:35,053
Hmm.
490
00:18:35,136 --> 00:18:37,387
I don't even know
if I want to see those.
491
00:18:37,470 --> 00:18:39,804
Some of my favorite directors
might be on there.
492
00:18:39,887 --> 00:18:41,553
I won't be able
to watch their films
493
00:18:41,637 --> 00:18:43,470
without feeling
kind of weird about it.
494
00:18:43,553 --> 00:18:46,136
Come on, man!
I gotta get that song back!
495
00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:49,053
Well, then you'll have to
learn it again in a new way.
496
00:18:49,136 --> 00:18:50,220
Now wake up!
497
00:18:50,303 --> 00:18:52,387
[echoing] You're about to
piss yourself!
498
00:18:52,470 --> 00:18:57,387
Miiiilllkkkshake!
499
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,720
[thunder crashing]
500
00:18:59,804 --> 00:19:02,804
dramatic music plays
501
00:19:02,887 --> 00:19:04,220
[raven caws]
502
00:19:04,303 --> 00:19:07,428
Oh. You were a bad sign.
503
00:19:07,512 --> 00:19:09,762
Just do it, economy!
504
00:19:09,845 --> 00:19:12,512
Strike me down already!
505
00:19:12,595 --> 00:19:13,762
[raven squawking]
506
00:19:13,845 --> 00:19:15,095
[gulping]
507
00:19:15,178 --> 00:19:17,387
Teeeeddd Cruuuuzzz!
508
00:19:17,470 --> 00:19:20,220
Ugh! Jesus, Ted!
What are you doing here?
509
00:19:20,303 --> 00:19:22,929
Well, the ravens can't escape
as fast in the rain.
510
00:19:23,011 --> 00:19:24,804
Screaming to the heavens now,
are ya?
511
00:19:24,887 --> 00:19:26,261
I've given up.
512
00:19:26,345 --> 00:19:28,804
I just want the economy
to smite me already.
513
00:19:28,887 --> 00:19:31,428
So you've tried
everything?
514
00:19:31,512 --> 00:19:33,053
515
00:19:33,136 --> 00:19:36,428
[Cruz] Here's the thing about
vengeful, omnipotent beings
516
00:19:36,512 --> 00:19:37,637
like the economy.
517
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,387
The only way
to atone to them
518
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,220
is to feel pain
in their honor.
519
00:19:41,303 --> 00:19:42,679
That's how
they know for certain
520
00:19:42,762 --> 00:19:46,011
that your piety
outweighs your self-regard.
521
00:19:46,095 --> 00:19:47,970
So give up Tuesday brunch
or something?
522
00:19:48,053 --> 00:19:49,762
-Bigger.
-Saturday brunch?
523
00:19:49,845 --> 00:19:51,887
Offer a sacrifice!
524
00:19:51,970 --> 00:19:54,804
Then, and only then,
will the economy spare you!
525
00:19:54,887 --> 00:19:57,345
It also works for
getting into the Senate!
526
00:19:57,428 --> 00:20:00,053
[bell tolls]
It's State of the Union time!
527
00:20:00,136 --> 00:20:02,929
[thunder crashing]
[speaking in tongues]
528
00:20:03,011 --> 00:20:05,762
[Biden]
Bill, I'm screwed!
529
00:20:05,845 --> 00:20:07,720
How come you made more mistakes
than I have
530
00:20:07,804 --> 00:20:09,470
and yet nothing
sticks to ya?
531
00:20:09,553 --> 00:20:10,804
It's so true.
532
00:20:10,887 --> 00:20:12,970
I mean, I was on
that Epstein jet,
533
00:20:13,053 --> 00:20:15,929
and everyone was like,
"Well, whatever."
534
00:20:16,011 --> 00:20:17,970
That's what I mean.
You're immortal.
535
00:20:18,053 --> 00:20:20,804
I want some of that juju
so I can be president.
536
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,387
Oh, no. It's a curse.
537
00:20:22,470 --> 00:20:25,512
It's only pushed me further
from the American people.
538
00:20:25,595 --> 00:20:28,929
Your mortality
is why people like you.
539
00:20:29,011 --> 00:20:30,804
Just like them,
you fear losing touch,
540
00:20:30,887 --> 00:20:32,303
so, out of self-preservation,
541
00:20:32,387 --> 00:20:34,637
you retreat to the blissful
days of your youth
542
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:37,512
when "Milkshake U-S-A"
dominated the airwaves.
543
00:20:37,595 --> 00:20:39,095
And that's a good thing?!
544
00:20:39,178 --> 00:20:42,345
Well, elections fall on days
when the only people around
545
00:20:42,428 --> 00:20:45,595
to vote are elderly,
so you're hot-damn right it is.
546
00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:46,887
Where are you going?
547
00:20:46,970 --> 00:20:48,512
State of the Union
is tonight.
548
00:20:48,595 --> 00:20:52,428
I'm gonna show Americans that
I'm as lucid as they are.
549
00:20:53,428 --> 00:20:55,845
Bark, bark!
That's the sound a dog makes!
550
00:20:55,929 --> 00:20:58,428
[antelope bleats]
551
00:20:58,512 --> 00:21:00,428
[President Trump]
Would've been pretty fun, huh?
552
00:21:00,512 --> 00:21:02,887
What? Feeding an antelope
its own ass? Yeah, no duh!
553
00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:04,345
But what do you care?
554
00:21:04,428 --> 00:21:06,220
You know, Don, as bad
as we've had it --
555
00:21:06,303 --> 00:21:07,887
my cabinet, us --
556
00:21:07,970 --> 00:21:10,345
we've never really suffered
at the economy's hands.
557
00:21:10,428 --> 00:21:12,303
We went bankrupt
six times!
558
00:21:12,387 --> 00:21:15,095
Right, but my daddy and Russia
gave us money
559
00:21:15,178 --> 00:21:17,095
so we had enough
to keep the lights on
560
00:21:17,178 --> 00:21:19,345
in our California
king-sized tanning beds.
561
00:21:19,428 --> 00:21:23,011
Yeah, I guess that's true.
But we're suffering now.
562
00:21:23,095 --> 00:21:24,970
I don't get to see
an antelope's face
563
00:21:25,053 --> 00:21:27,553
when I reveal that I just
fed it its own ass.
564
00:21:27,637 --> 00:21:30,929
That suffering is not enough
to atone for our crimes.
565
00:21:31,011 --> 00:21:33,303
We need to make
a sacrifice.
566
00:21:33,387 --> 00:21:35,595
-Okay, Eric, you're up!
-No, not Eric.
567
00:21:35,679 --> 00:21:37,470
Something that has value.
568
00:21:37,553 --> 00:21:39,011
[thunder crashes]
569
00:21:39,095 --> 00:21:40,303
[Maddow] Tonight,
it's the State of the Union,
570
00:21:40,387 --> 00:21:42,220
which arrives under a cloud
of both impeachment
571
00:21:42,303 --> 00:21:43,720
and economic doom.
572
00:21:43,804 --> 00:21:45,720
Also under a rain cloud.
573
00:21:45,804 --> 00:21:48,428
It is drizzling outside, one of
those classic Beltway drizzles.
574
00:21:48,512 --> 00:21:49,679
Pace yourself, Chuck.
575
00:21:49,762 --> 00:21:51,345
Oh! And look who's
in the chamber.
576
00:21:51,428 --> 00:21:52,762
It's Joe Biden.
577
00:21:52,845 --> 00:21:55,345
Oh, God.
What are those dumb lyrics?
578
00:21:55,428 --> 00:21:57,345
Damn it!
Hey.
579
00:21:57,428 --> 00:21:58,970
I'm sorry about throwing
that binder at your head.
580
00:21:59,053 --> 00:22:02,261
It's alright. I splurged for
the shock-absorbent hair plugs.
581
00:22:02,345 --> 00:22:04,011
Hey, I'm sorry
about running my mouth
582
00:22:04,095 --> 00:22:06,220
like Sugarpuff would
back in the neighborhood.
583
00:22:06,303 --> 00:22:09,595
It's okay. Thanks for...
trying to grow.
584
00:22:09,679 --> 00:22:11,970
I brought you something.
Whoa-ho-ho!
585
00:22:12,053 --> 00:22:16,178
The lyrics
to "Milkshake U-S-A"!
586
00:22:16,261 --> 00:22:17,637
Oh, and it looks like
the President
587
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,261
is making his way
to the podium.
588
00:22:19,345 --> 00:22:21,553
He's got a stalwart,
presidential gait.
589
00:22:21,637 --> 00:22:24,220
[sighs] He's just walking,
Chuck. Let's listen in.
590
00:22:24,303 --> 00:22:27,303
My fellow Americans,
over the past week,
591
00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:29,845
I've been guilty
of falsely claiming
592
00:22:29,929 --> 00:22:32,220
that I am a prophet
of the economy.
593
00:22:32,303 --> 00:22:34,011
And over the past decade,
594
00:22:34,095 --> 00:22:36,345
we've all been guilty
of economic greed.
595
00:22:36,428 --> 00:22:38,470
And now we must repent.
596
00:22:38,553 --> 00:22:41,220
That is why,
as an offering to the economy,
597
00:22:41,303 --> 00:22:44,762
I'm proposing
a tiny, tiny, tiny,
598
00:22:44,845 --> 00:22:47,970
for the wealthiest Americans,
tax increase.
599
00:22:48,053 --> 00:22:49,345
[crowd] No!
600
00:22:49,428 --> 00:22:50,637
Okay, okay!
601
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:54,178
Or I guess we could sacrifice...
Eric Trump?
602
00:22:54,261 --> 00:22:55,136
What?!
603
00:22:55,220 --> 00:22:57,220
[all chanting "Eric!"]
604
00:22:57,303 --> 00:22:59,303
Wow! Look at this, huh?
605
00:22:59,387 --> 00:23:01,178
Eric, they love you!
606
00:23:01,261 --> 00:23:03,053
Ho-ho!
What an interesting offer.
607
00:23:03,136 --> 00:23:04,595
What do ya say, Eric?
608
00:23:04,679 --> 00:23:06,887
I don't feel like
being the sacrifice!
609
00:23:06,970 --> 00:23:08,553
You be the sacrifice!
610
00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:11,845
You're beefier, so it'll
mean more to the economy.
611
00:23:11,929 --> 00:23:13,261
What do you say, Eric?
612
00:23:13,345 --> 00:23:15,011
[thunder crashing]
[all chanting "Eric!"]
613
00:23:15,095 --> 00:23:17,887
Doesn't sound like
we have much time.
614
00:23:17,970 --> 00:23:20,345
Holy crap!
The markets are going nuts!
615
00:23:20,428 --> 00:23:23,011
Come on, Eric!
The Street wants blood!
616
00:23:23,095 --> 00:23:25,720
Eric, it's the job
you were born to do.
617
00:23:25,804 --> 00:23:28,095
heavenly choir vocalizing
[all chanting "Eric!"]
618
00:23:28,178 --> 00:23:29,845
Okay, okay! Fine!
619
00:23:29,929 --> 00:23:32,428
[Biden] Wait, folks!
Wait, wait, wait, folks!
620
00:23:32,512 --> 00:23:34,345
Don't listen
to that Russian plant.
621
00:23:34,428 --> 00:23:35,679
We don't need to sacrifice
622
00:23:35,762 --> 00:23:38,345
that tall, blond bellhop
with no eyebrows!
623
00:23:38,428 --> 00:23:39,553
[all booing]
624
00:23:39,637 --> 00:23:41,512
No, no, no! No joke!
625
00:23:41,595 --> 00:23:44,261
Trump's acting like
we have to please the economy,
626
00:23:44,345 --> 00:23:46,720
like we don't have control
over our fate.
627
00:23:46,804 --> 00:23:48,136
But take it from someone
628
00:23:48,220 --> 00:23:50,845
who refuses to obey
the demands of time.
629
00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:52,220
We can intervene.
630
00:23:52,303 --> 00:23:53,553
Vote for me, and we'll stop
631
00:23:53,637 --> 00:23:55,845
letting the economy
push us around.
632
00:23:55,929 --> 00:23:57,595
We'll put in the hard work
633
00:23:57,679 --> 00:24:01,720
to turn our economy
into a system ruled by justice!
634
00:24:01,804 --> 00:24:04,095
[indistinct whispering]
635
00:24:04,178 --> 00:24:06,637
Or m-a-a-aybe...
636
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:10,887
it'd be a lot more fun
if we sang "Milkshake U-S-A"!
637
00:24:10,970 --> 00:24:12,053
[cheers and applause]
638
00:24:12,136 --> 00:24:13,720
That was my favorite song
growing up!
639
00:24:13,804 --> 00:24:16,428
Me too. Tell you what,
you son of a bitch.
640
00:24:16,512 --> 00:24:17,887
You've dragged me
through hell,
641
00:24:17,970 --> 00:24:20,178
but we're even if you do
you know what.
642
00:24:20,261 --> 00:24:22,887
I declare the State of the Union
to be...
643
00:24:22,970 --> 00:24:24,887
"Milkshake U-S-A"!
644
00:24:24,970 --> 00:24:27,387
[cheers and applause]
Everyone, get on up!
645
00:24:27,470 --> 00:24:29,428
A yummy ice-cream milkshake
646
00:24:29,512 --> 00:24:32,220
Everybody shakin'
from Nevada to Maine
647
00:24:32,303 --> 00:24:34,136
Milkshake U-S-A
648
00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:35,762
Ay-ee-ay-ee-ay-ee-ay
649
00:24:35,845 --> 00:24:37,136
Malted milk and cow's cream
650
00:24:37,220 --> 00:24:39,011
All mixed up in the thing
651
00:24:39,095 --> 00:24:41,512
Milkshake U-S-A
652
00:24:41,595 --> 00:24:44,929
Well, the principal's
tryna shut our milkshake down
653
00:24:45,011 --> 00:24:48,553
But not even Mom and Dad can
keep this milk out our mouth
654
00:24:48,637 --> 00:24:51,387
Everybody shake
from Louisiana to Maine
655
00:24:51,470 --> 00:24:54,095
In Milkshake U-S-A
656
00:24:54,178 --> 00:24:58,011
People do know there are other
presidential candidates, right?
657
00:24:58,095 --> 00:25:00,220
Milkshake U-S-A
658
00:25:00,303 --> 00:25:02,595
[Don Jr.] Eric, I sound
so much better than you.
659
00:25:02,679 --> 00:25:06,053
[Eric] So, how was
the hunting trip, Don?
660
00:25:06,136 --> 00:25:08,053
Did you feed an antelope
its butt?
661
00:25:08,136 --> 00:25:11,011
I wish. Every time I tried
to cut off their asses,
662
00:25:11,095 --> 00:25:12,261
it kind of freaked out.
663
00:25:12,345 --> 00:25:13,512
If it makes you
feel better,
664
00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:16,303
I got a job
sitting in a meadow.
665
00:25:16,387 --> 00:25:17,595
That's awesome!
Spill the deets!
666
00:25:17,679 --> 00:25:19,970
It's more of
an unpaid internship,
667
00:25:20,053 --> 00:25:22,345
but y-you never know
where it could lead.
668
00:25:22,428 --> 00:25:24,637
Hey, Dad, you weren't really
gonna sacrifice Eric
669
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,720
to the economy, right?
670
00:25:27,887 --> 00:25:29,845
Well, it looks like
everything's back to normal
671
00:25:29,929 --> 00:25:31,345
except the economy.
672
00:25:31,428 --> 00:25:33,720
Do you think the economy
will ever come after us?
673
00:25:33,804 --> 00:25:36,095
Don't worry, boys.
We're rich.
674
00:25:36,178 --> 00:25:39,595
And the economy
can never take that away.
675
00:25:39,679 --> 00:25:41,178
['80s-style pop music plays]
676
00:25:41,261 --> 00:25:44,136
Donald Trump
is the president
677
00:25:44,220 --> 00:25:47,595
Donald Trump
is the president
678
00:25:47,679 --> 00:25:50,095
Is Donald Trump
the president?
679
00:25:50,178 --> 00:25:51,929
Yes, he is
680
00:25:52,011 --> 00:25:54,637
Yes, he is,
we elected him president
681
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,345
Is Donald Trump
the president?
682
00:25:57,428 --> 00:25:59,220
Yes, he is
683
00:25:59,303 --> 00:26:01,720
We had a vote
and elected him president
684
00:26:01,804 --> 00:26:06,845
Donald Trump
is the president
685
00:26:06,929 --> 00:26:09,011
686
00:26:09,095 --> 00:26:10,637
Donald Trump
687
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,303
He is our president
688
00:26:14,387 --> 00:26:17,512
We made him president
689
00:26:17,595 --> 00:26:19,845
We did it
690
00:26:19,929 --> 00:26:23,845
Donald Trump
is the president
691
00:26:23,929 --> 00:26:26,845
We elected Donald Trump
692
00:26:26,929 --> 00:26:30,387
Donald Trump
is the president
693
00:26:30,470 --> 00:26:33,970
Donald Trump
is the president
694
00:26:34,053 --> 00:26:37,804
Yeah
695
00:26:37,887 --> 00:26:39,136
Trump!
52486
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