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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,970 --> 00:00:04,095 2 00:00:09,011 --> 00:00:10,512 [President Trump] Ahh! 3 00:00:10,595 --> 00:00:12,720 So nice to get away from politics 4 00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:14,178 and enjoy a pro-military, 5 00:00:14,261 --> 00:00:16,303 corporate-worshipping gladiator match. 6 00:00:16,387 --> 00:00:17,720 And I'm here with my best friends -- 7 00:00:17,804 --> 00:00:19,053 the man who picked a fight 8 00:00:19,136 --> 00:00:20,804 with the biggest, baddest reporter at NPR... 9 00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:22,220 Hey, hey. 10 00:00:22,303 --> 00:00:24,095 ...and my two lawyers banned from giving blood. 11 00:00:24,178 --> 00:00:25,553 We can give as much as we want! 12 00:00:25,637 --> 00:00:27,053 Yeah! They just have to burn it! 13 00:00:27,136 --> 00:00:28,804 Look! It's your big campaign ad! 14 00:00:28,887 --> 00:00:30,428 Shut up, Melania! It's on! 15 00:00:30,512 --> 00:00:33,387 Every night, I talk on the phone with Jon Voight. 16 00:00:33,470 --> 00:00:34,387 [beep] Hello, America. 17 00:00:34,470 --> 00:00:36,053 Let me introduce myself, 18 00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:37,637 because you will never meet me in person. 19 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:39,095 I'm Michael Bloomberg, 20 00:00:39,178 --> 00:00:40,512 and I bought out Donald Trump's airtime. 21 00:00:40,595 --> 00:00:41,845 Oh! What the hell?! He already had 22 00:00:41,929 --> 00:00:43,762 a heartbreaking Super Bowl ad! 23 00:00:43,845 --> 00:00:46,095 Eh, no big deal. I got out the Voight thing. 24 00:00:46,178 --> 00:00:49,512 This cost me $50 million, but no price is too high 25 00:00:49,595 --> 00:00:51,470 when it comes to buying this election, 26 00:00:51,553 --> 00:00:53,679 so that's basically how this whole thing's gonna go. 27 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:56,011 I'm buying this election, and you can't stop me. 28 00:00:56,095 --> 00:00:57,804 There's nothing you people can do. 29 00:00:57,887 --> 00:00:59,637 I defy you to even try. 30 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,887 Okay. Wow. He's doing it for me. 31 00:01:01,970 --> 00:01:03,845 Okay. That's all I really got. 32 00:01:03,929 --> 00:01:06,553 Looks like we've got another 30 seconds to kill. 33 00:01:06,637 --> 00:01:08,428 Let's throw in some patriotic stuff. 34 00:01:08,512 --> 00:01:10,804 Looks nice. Yep. 35 00:01:10,887 --> 00:01:12,720 That says it all. 36 00:01:12,804 --> 00:01:15,512 I am not sure what this one is. 37 00:01:15,595 --> 00:01:16,845 No, next. 38 00:01:16,929 --> 00:01:18,679 We're not doing this one. Next. 39 00:01:18,762 --> 00:01:20,637 This is a tourist trap. 40 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,178 What's in that guy's hands? Oh, yuck! 41 00:01:23,261 --> 00:01:25,220 He's right. That is yucky. 42 00:01:25,303 --> 00:01:28,053 So, good luck with your little football thing, everybody. 43 00:01:28,136 --> 00:01:30,970 I hope the Tigers beat the Lasers or whatever. 44 00:01:31,053 --> 00:01:33,178 [tense music plays] Ugh! Another ad?! 45 00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:34,595 I hate how much they've commercialized 46 00:01:34,679 --> 00:01:36,220 Pepsi Presents Football. 47 00:01:36,303 --> 00:01:39,011 [narrator] Betrayal, wrath, vengeance. 48 00:01:39,095 --> 00:01:40,845 [owl hoots] From the master of suspense, 49 00:01:40,929 --> 00:01:44,053 former National Security Adviser John Bolton... 50 00:01:44,136 --> 00:01:45,762 Ha ha! Hi, there! 51 00:01:45,845 --> 00:01:47,220 [narrator] ...comes a twisted new tale 52 00:01:47,303 --> 00:01:49,345 of Executive Office intrigue. 53 00:01:49,428 --> 00:01:52,720 "The Room Where It Happened," available wherever and whenever 54 00:01:52,804 --> 00:01:56,011 it's most financially advantageous to John Bolton. 55 00:01:56,095 --> 00:01:58,011 Just remember -- it seems exciting, 56 00:01:58,095 --> 00:02:00,261 but at the end of the day, it's still a book. 57 00:02:00,345 --> 00:02:02,679 [narrator] And soon to be a major motion picture. 58 00:02:02,762 --> 00:02:04,887 Damn it! 59 00:02:04,970 --> 00:02:09,095 [Bernie Sanders] These letters should all be the same size! 60 00:02:09,178 --> 00:02:11,303 Looks worse, but it's better! 61 00:02:12,637 --> 00:02:14,637 [news jingle plays] 62 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:15,929 I'm Lester Holt. 63 00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:17,845 And looking this serious requires clenching 64 00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,470 every muscle in my body. 65 00:02:19,553 --> 00:02:21,345 Despite analysts' predictions, the economy shows 66 00:02:21,428 --> 00:02:23,929 no signs of slowing, like a racehorse on its 500th lap 67 00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,970 moments before its heart explodes. 68 00:02:26,053 --> 00:02:27,011 President Trump is keeping faith 69 00:02:27,095 --> 00:02:29,095 that our economy will stay strong. 70 00:02:29,178 --> 00:02:31,053 [President Trump] We love this economy, huh?! 71 00:02:31,136 --> 00:02:33,136 It's so great that you should overlook 72 00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:36,428 that I cause a biweekly constitutional crisis! 73 00:02:36,512 --> 00:02:39,387 [cheers and applause] And because a vibrant economy 74 00:02:39,470 --> 00:02:42,720 is my only remaining argument for re-election, 75 00:02:42,804 --> 00:02:45,303 the economy would never forsake us! 76 00:02:45,387 --> 00:02:46,679 [thunder crashes] 77 00:02:46,762 --> 00:02:47,845 Don't worry. 78 00:02:47,929 --> 00:02:49,595 I'm sure the ominous thunder clap 79 00:02:49,679 --> 00:02:52,303 right after I claim to speak for a higher power 80 00:02:52,387 --> 00:02:53,845 is purely coinci-- Aah! 81 00:02:53,929 --> 00:02:55,095 [cheers and applause] 82 00:02:55,178 --> 00:02:56,970 Hey, folks, folks, listen, folks. 83 00:02:57,053 --> 00:02:59,387 A lot of people are saying that I've lost touch, 84 00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:02,804 that before Iowa, I might accidentally endorse apartheid, 85 00:03:02,887 --> 00:03:04,887 but I've never been sharper! [cheers and applause] 86 00:03:04,970 --> 00:03:07,804 I've got great blood circulation in my eyeballs, 87 00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:10,929 and they haven't found spinal fluid in my urine for weeks! 88 00:03:11,011 --> 00:03:12,595 Hell, I'm gonna live forever! 89 00:03:12,679 --> 00:03:14,011 [thunder crashes] 90 00:03:14,095 --> 00:03:16,053 I'm sure the ominous thunder clap 91 00:03:16,136 --> 00:03:18,720 right after my direct challenge to Father Time 92 00:03:18,804 --> 00:03:20,470 is just a coinci-- Aah! 93 00:03:20,553 --> 00:03:22,512 Hell, I'm not worried! [thunder crashes] 94 00:03:22,595 --> 00:03:24,303 Aah! [people screaming] 95 00:03:24,387 --> 00:03:25,470 96 00:03:25,553 --> 00:03:28,220 Dad, my banker friend Slerve got laid off, 97 00:03:28,303 --> 00:03:30,387 and now he wants to cancel our hunting trip! 98 00:03:30,470 --> 00:03:32,720 Please inform him that the economy is the tits 99 00:03:32,804 --> 00:03:34,345 and he shouldn't cancel. 100 00:03:34,428 --> 00:03:36,136 The economy loves you, Slerve. Don't lose faith. 101 00:03:36,220 --> 00:03:37,512 [Slerve] Yeah, whatever, dude. 102 00:03:37,595 --> 00:03:40,261 Dad, our hotels are half-empty, 103 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:43,011 and economists say the first sign of a downturn 104 00:03:43,095 --> 00:03:46,095 is vacancies at overpriced ratholes! 105 00:03:46,178 --> 00:03:48,345 Boys, the economy is testing us, 106 00:03:48,428 --> 00:03:50,136 just like it did in the early '90s, 107 00:03:50,220 --> 00:03:52,011 the mid-'90s, the mid-late '90s, 108 00:03:52,095 --> 00:03:53,762 and every three years since then. 109 00:03:53,845 --> 00:03:55,428 Those were tough times. 110 00:03:55,512 --> 00:03:57,553 [Don Jr.] I'll never forget watching our bank accounts 111 00:03:57,637 --> 00:03:58,804 flatline. [thunder crashes] 112 00:03:58,887 --> 00:04:00,553 [Eric] I almost swore off money 113 00:04:00,637 --> 00:04:04,011 and became one of those guys that takes baths in the ocean. 114 00:04:04,095 --> 00:04:06,887 But then the economy blessed us with a miracle -- 115 00:04:06,970 --> 00:04:09,929 money from my daddy and Russia. 116 00:04:10,011 --> 00:04:11,303 Everything's gonna be fine. 117 00:04:11,387 --> 00:04:13,970 Just ask my perfectly calm Treasury Secretary. 118 00:04:14,053 --> 00:04:16,679 Go, go, go! Don't worry about the suitcase full of cash! 119 00:04:16,762 --> 00:04:18,136 It'll be worthless in two hours! 120 00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:19,679 Where are you headed, 'Nuch?! 121 00:04:19,762 --> 00:04:22,887 To sink your savings into this roaring stock market?! 122 00:04:22,970 --> 00:04:24,053 Yeah. 123 00:04:24,136 --> 00:04:26,220 Hey, if my wife, Louise, asks where I am, 124 00:04:26,303 --> 00:04:28,011 ask her what her favorite hobby is 125 00:04:28,095 --> 00:04:30,053 then say I'm buying her whatever clothes or tools 126 00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:32,011 are associated with that hobby. 127 00:04:32,095 --> 00:04:34,345 What are you waiting for, idiot?! 128 00:04:34,428 --> 00:04:35,887 [helicopter blades whirring] 129 00:04:35,970 --> 00:04:39,929 Joe, we saw your last campaign speech! 130 00:04:40,011 --> 00:04:41,679 It was magnificent! 131 00:04:41,762 --> 00:04:44,512 Like watching Mozart lead a symphony of self-delusion. 132 00:04:44,595 --> 00:04:48,345 But we're a tad concerned that you're not "with it." 133 00:04:48,428 --> 00:04:50,720 Hey, come on, folks! Would somebody not "with it" 134 00:04:50,804 --> 00:04:53,512 remember every word from his favorite song growing up? 135 00:04:53,595 --> 00:04:55,637 Come on, folks! Everybody up! 136 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,345 It's time for "Milkshake U-S-A"! 137 00:04:58,428 --> 00:05:01,053 Come on, everybody, from Nevada to Maine 138 00:05:01,136 --> 00:05:03,053 -Okay, Joe. Got it. It's Milkshake U-S-A 139 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,679 -Joe, that's good. -Joe, that's enough. 140 00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:06,887 -[singing gibberish] -Well, we can...can it now. 141 00:05:06,970 --> 00:05:08,261 Alright. Stop it! 142 00:05:08,345 --> 00:05:09,720 - Milkshake U-S-A -Jesus, Joe! 143 00:05:09,804 --> 00:05:11,679 If you don't get with it, you'll lose to Trump, 144 00:05:11,762 --> 00:05:14,804 and there goes the dream of Milkshake U-S-A! 145 00:05:14,887 --> 00:05:17,261 Oh, crap! Now I am worried! 146 00:05:17,345 --> 00:05:19,261 [President Trump] This is gonna sound crazy, 147 00:05:19,345 --> 00:05:22,261 but how important is the economy to my re-election anyway? 148 00:05:22,345 --> 00:05:24,970 It's the whole thing, pal, okay? I had Brad run the numbers. 149 00:05:25,053 --> 00:05:27,553 -Who's Brad? Are you Brad? -[sighs] No. 150 00:05:27,637 --> 00:05:30,303 Brad Parscale, your campaign manager. 151 00:05:30,387 --> 00:05:32,845 Oh, the guy I hired because he looks and acts like the devil? 152 00:05:32,929 --> 00:05:34,512 [Parscale] Sir! [both scream] 153 00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:36,178 Polls say that voters' top issue is the economy, 154 00:05:36,261 --> 00:05:37,762 second is how much money they have, 155 00:05:37,845 --> 00:05:39,220 third is how much stuff they can buy, 156 00:05:39,303 --> 00:05:40,887 and fourth is abortion. Phew! 157 00:05:40,970 --> 00:05:43,136 -Namely, the price of them. -I call bullshit. 158 00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:45,345 My supporters are all multi-faceted, 159 00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:48,553 emotionally complex, deeply erotic human beings. 160 00:05:48,637 --> 00:05:52,303 Money isn't everything. It's not gonna make you happy. 161 00:05:52,387 --> 00:05:55,136 That's why I'm changing my campaign slogan to 162 00:05:55,220 --> 00:05:58,720 "Make America Meaningful Again." 163 00:06:00,261 --> 00:06:01,720 [man coughs] 164 00:06:01,804 --> 00:06:05,303 Okay, so, I-I'm gonna head on out. 165 00:06:05,387 --> 00:06:07,553 [shoes clicking] 166 00:06:12,053 --> 00:06:15,053 [President Trump] Okay, that was fucked up. 167 00:06:15,136 --> 00:06:17,136 They really like money. 168 00:06:17,220 --> 00:06:19,970 Let's get out of here. This state smells like shit. 169 00:06:20,053 --> 00:06:21,303 [engine starts] 170 00:06:21,387 --> 00:06:23,637 God! I'm, like, shaking. 171 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,011 [suspenseful music plays] 172 00:06:25,095 --> 00:06:26,720 Welcome to the last Democratic debate 173 00:06:26,804 --> 00:06:28,470 before the Iowa caucuses, where, somehow, 174 00:06:28,553 --> 00:06:31,136 40% of this entire election will be decided. 175 00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:32,345 Let's meet the candidates. 176 00:06:32,428 --> 00:06:34,220 I'm Joe Biden, and I think we're good. 177 00:06:34,303 --> 00:06:37,178 I'm Elizabeth Warren, and we shouldn't bet on a guy 178 00:06:37,261 --> 00:06:39,929 who's mistaken me for Hillary Clinton and his wife 179 00:06:40,011 --> 00:06:41,470 in the same conversation! 180 00:06:41,553 --> 00:06:44,220 Hillary, geez! Let's talk about this at home! 181 00:06:44,303 --> 00:06:46,970 Joe, it's time to step aside and let a younger, 182 00:06:47,053 --> 00:06:50,136 dangerously unqualified generation take the mantle. 183 00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:51,345 -It's mine! -Joe, get... 184 00:06:51,428 --> 00:06:54,095 -Get the fuck out, Joe! -That's enough! 185 00:06:54,178 --> 00:06:56,512 I can take a hint! I'm no stupid! 186 00:06:56,595 --> 00:06:59,136 Maybe it's time for Joe Biden to step aside 187 00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:01,845 and enjoy the retirement he so richly deserves. 188 00:07:01,929 --> 00:07:03,053 [candidates and crowd] Yes! 189 00:07:03,136 --> 00:07:05,011 Or m-a-a-aybe it's time 190 00:07:05,095 --> 00:07:07,720 to show America that I'm more with it than ever! 191 00:07:07,804 --> 00:07:09,261 [candidates and crowd] No! 192 00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:10,720 I don't care. That's the one I'm gonna do. 193 00:07:10,804 --> 00:07:12,220 194 00:07:12,303 --> 00:07:14,887 Oh, Heavenly Economy, who art in Wall Street, 195 00:07:14,970 --> 00:07:18,261 please bless me with good news I can rub in Maxine Waters' face 196 00:07:18,345 --> 00:07:19,970 in my State of the Union speech. 197 00:07:20,053 --> 00:07:22,387 [Don Jr. sobbing] 198 00:07:22,470 --> 00:07:24,053 Slerve! 199 00:07:24,136 --> 00:07:25,303 What's wrong, Don? 200 00:07:25,387 --> 00:07:26,595 Did you just find out I didn't win 201 00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:29,762 North Carolina's Annual Hefty Dad of the Year Award? 202 00:07:29,845 --> 00:07:33,887 Because of the economy, Slerve canceled the hunting trip! 203 00:07:33,970 --> 00:07:36,053 Don, you take three hunting trips a month. 204 00:07:36,136 --> 00:07:39,887 But I was planning to feed an antelope its own ass! 205 00:07:39,970 --> 00:07:42,387 My God, Don! I had no idea! 206 00:07:42,470 --> 00:07:44,679 [Eric] Dad, it happened! 207 00:07:44,762 --> 00:07:47,387 I told you your hot wife would leave you eventually. 208 00:07:47,470 --> 00:07:51,512 Not that yet. We had to shut down three hotels! 209 00:07:51,595 --> 00:07:54,428 It's as if consumer appetite for watching rats 210 00:07:54,512 --> 00:07:57,720 gnaw on chrome chandeliers has disappeared! 211 00:07:57,804 --> 00:08:01,261 Dad, tell everyone the economists are lying heathens! 212 00:08:01,345 --> 00:08:03,762 Yeah, Dad! Spread the gospel! 213 00:08:03,845 --> 00:08:07,095 I don't know. I never considered myself a prophet. 214 00:08:07,178 --> 00:08:09,053 I'm just a humble egomaniac 215 00:08:09,136 --> 00:08:11,512 with a complete disregard for right and wrong. 216 00:08:11,595 --> 00:08:14,553 Hey. A great man once told Slerve, 217 00:08:14,637 --> 00:08:17,720 "The economy loves you. Don't lose faith." 218 00:08:17,804 --> 00:08:18,929 ominous music plays 219 00:08:19,011 --> 00:08:20,845 [mouse squeaks] [gulps, caws] 220 00:08:20,929 --> 00:08:24,595 Wow! If that's not a good sign, I don't know what is! 221 00:08:24,679 --> 00:08:25,762 I'll do it! 222 00:08:25,845 --> 00:08:27,887 enthusiastic music plays 223 00:08:27,970 --> 00:08:31,136 224 00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,637 [President Trump] The State of the Union is in 72 hours. 225 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,929 Miller, how's the writing going? Excellent, sir! 226 00:08:36,011 --> 00:08:39,720 Every time I think of a new euphemism for white genocide, 227 00:08:39,804 --> 00:08:43,595 my [clears throat] fiancée gives me a peck on my forehead! 228 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:45,845 [all groan and shudder] Oh, be happy for me! 229 00:08:45,929 --> 00:08:47,470 Alright. How do we show Americans 230 00:08:47,553 --> 00:08:49,637 that they live on a big, fancy yacht? 231 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,428 I can dress up as a dolphin. 232 00:08:51,512 --> 00:08:54,011 Ben, we'd all love to see that, but think bigger. 233 00:08:54,095 --> 00:08:55,970 -I can dress up as a whale. -You see, Ben? 234 00:08:56,053 --> 00:08:58,553 Now, that's an idea! What else, while we're hot? 235 00:08:58,637 --> 00:09:00,303 Barr, your good name is synonymous with 236 00:09:00,387 --> 00:09:01,887 Christian virtue. What do ya got? 237 00:09:01,970 --> 00:09:05,303 Well, I suppose we could make it legal to kill economists. 238 00:09:05,387 --> 00:09:06,970 [all gasp] Okay. 239 00:09:07,053 --> 00:09:08,637 That's pretty extreme, but definitely stay after -- 240 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,136 I want to game that out. 241 00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:12,845 Uh, I have a non-costume, non-murder idea. 242 00:09:12,929 --> 00:09:14,720 [all] Ooh! 243 00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,970 Thinking outside the box, Larry Kudlow. What do ya got? 244 00:09:17,053 --> 00:09:20,095 Uh, I just realized it is a costume idea. 245 00:09:20,178 --> 00:09:24,553 Sorry. Lost a step after the entire decade of cocaine. 246 00:09:24,637 --> 00:09:28,136 [Kudlow] Costume idea! Oh, yeah! 247 00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:30,762 The American economy has never been stronger. 248 00:09:30,845 --> 00:09:33,136 If you don't believe me, direct your attention 249 00:09:33,220 --> 00:09:35,512 to the poorest American, Mike Pence. 250 00:09:35,595 --> 00:09:38,220 I just bought a Rolls-Royce, brand-name toothpaste, 251 00:09:38,303 --> 00:09:39,637 and a bird that talks. 252 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,011 Whoo-wee! [applause] 253 00:09:41,095 --> 00:09:42,804 Michael. What is this? 254 00:09:42,887 --> 00:09:44,553 Oh, my lively butler. 255 00:09:44,637 --> 00:09:46,595 [hushed] Just go with it. I'll explain everything 256 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:48,261 during our evening side-hug. 257 00:09:48,345 --> 00:09:49,845 [posh accent] Oooooh! 258 00:09:49,929 --> 00:09:53,178 Do you require anything else, Monsieur Pence? 259 00:09:53,261 --> 00:09:55,845 Perhaps some salted hand-nuts? 260 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,387 [posh accent] No, fine lady. 261 00:09:57,470 --> 00:09:59,804 And may I say, you do look dashing in that frock. 262 00:09:59,887 --> 00:10:02,470 Oh, how I've longed for the day you'd say that! 263 00:10:02,553 --> 00:10:04,220 But we're from two different worlds -- 264 00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:08,428 I a penniless harpsichord prodigy from Provence, 265 00:10:08,512 --> 00:10:12,011 and you, Paris' most famous leather salesman! 266 00:10:12,095 --> 00:10:14,595 Leather sales be damned! I don't need money! 267 00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:17,220 We'll run off to Switzerland and live in the mountains. 268 00:10:17,303 --> 00:10:18,178 I'll breed sheep, 269 00:10:18,261 --> 00:10:21,261 and you'll milk 'em. 270 00:10:21,345 --> 00:10:24,470 So, you know...things are good. 271 00:10:24,553 --> 00:10:27,637 [Biden] I need your help appearing "with it"! 272 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,679 Tell you what -- I'll show you how to pass 273 00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:31,679 your nanny state bills, providing everyone 274 00:10:31,762 --> 00:10:34,553 government-issued breast milk until age 26. 275 00:10:34,637 --> 00:10:36,553 I already have three co-sponsors on that bill. 276 00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:39,970 Plus, I can't support you. You're establishment. 277 00:10:40,053 --> 00:10:41,512 Don't you want to hedge your bet 278 00:10:41,595 --> 00:10:43,762 in case somehow America doesn't go all-in 279 00:10:43,845 --> 00:10:46,345 on a white-haired, raving Jewish socialist? 280 00:10:46,428 --> 00:10:48,303 Fine. But we can't be seen together in public. 281 00:10:48,387 --> 00:10:50,387 People don't recognize me anyway. 282 00:10:50,470 --> 00:10:52,762 They think I'm one of those big dolls you put on your porch 283 00:10:52,845 --> 00:10:54,762 to scare trick-or-treaters! 284 00:10:54,845 --> 00:10:57,762 Because the economy is so bountiful, 285 00:10:57,845 --> 00:10:59,762 we have reached full employment. 286 00:10:59,845 --> 00:11:01,470 And I know it's full because we found 287 00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:04,345 the most unemployable American a job. 288 00:11:04,428 --> 00:11:06,428 I got a job sitting in a field! 289 00:11:06,512 --> 00:11:08,303 Show 'em how it's done, Eric! 290 00:11:08,387 --> 00:11:10,637 No one bother him. He's working. 291 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,428 -[Acosta] Mr. President? -'Sup? 292 00:11:12,512 --> 00:11:14,720 According to The Post, in 2005, you said Eric wasn't fit 293 00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,387 to look at a field, let alone sit in one. 294 00:11:16,470 --> 00:11:18,679 Do you expect us to believe that he's been hired to do just that? 295 00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,387 Mind you, he's already sleeping. 296 00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:21,970 [snoring] 297 00:11:22,053 --> 00:11:25,345 Okay. Forget Eric. Let's focus on the positive. 298 00:11:25,428 --> 00:11:28,303 Mike Pence found love with a homely butleress. 299 00:11:28,387 --> 00:11:31,136 You first laid eyes upon me as a butler, 300 00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:34,428 and you'll see me that way for the rest of your life! 301 00:11:34,512 --> 00:11:36,095 -[sobbing] -Abigail! No! 302 00:11:36,178 --> 00:11:38,845 Dad! I wet the field! 303 00:11:38,929 --> 00:11:40,178 [groans] 304 00:11:40,261 --> 00:11:41,762 [jazz music playing] [man] Hey! 305 00:11:41,845 --> 00:11:43,720 It's one of those dolls that scares trick-or-treaters. 306 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,845 Thanks! Don't forget to vote! 307 00:11:45,929 --> 00:11:47,679 Alright. Let's get me woke here. 308 00:11:47,762 --> 00:11:51,303 I assume the first step is apologizing for existing! 309 00:11:51,387 --> 00:11:54,303 I'm sooooooo soorrrrrry. 310 00:11:54,387 --> 00:11:55,970 Apology accepted. 311 00:11:56,053 --> 00:11:58,303 Next, you need to learn to talk about everyone 312 00:11:58,387 --> 00:12:00,595 the same way you talk about white people. 313 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,887 Got it. I'll talk about everyone the same, 314 00:12:02,970 --> 00:12:05,303 even this one hepcat from the old neighborhood. 315 00:12:05,387 --> 00:12:06,553 Went by "Sugarpuff." 316 00:12:06,637 --> 00:12:08,970 He was a bad mama-jamma, old Shug. 317 00:12:09,053 --> 00:12:11,637 Played drums on the corner by bangin' two switchblades 318 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,553 on a can of sweet potatoes. 319 00:12:13,637 --> 00:12:16,261 And that's why I should be president! 320 00:12:16,345 --> 00:12:17,553 How'd I do? 321 00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:18,970 Maybe stay away from race entirely. 322 00:12:19,053 --> 00:12:20,553 -Got it, chickpea. -And gender. 323 00:12:20,637 --> 00:12:22,512 But that only leaves three words -- 324 00:12:22,595 --> 00:12:25,345 "look," "folks," and "America." 325 00:12:25,428 --> 00:12:27,553 [singsong voice] Guess what's here! 326 00:12:27,637 --> 00:12:30,303 It's the Department of Labor report. 327 00:12:30,387 --> 00:12:31,595 Oh, my God, Daddy! 328 00:12:31,679 --> 00:12:33,637 I bet America added so many jobs 329 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,845 that it'll never have to work again! 330 00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:37,387 Is everything okay? 331 00:12:37,470 --> 00:12:40,428 You look like you did when I told you Jared's religion. 332 00:12:40,512 --> 00:12:42,595 Yes. The economy is good. 333 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,929 That's what it says. "Economy. Good." 334 00:12:45,011 --> 00:12:46,553 Yay! 335 00:12:46,637 --> 00:12:49,970 Can I still afford landscapers to ride like ponies? 336 00:12:50,053 --> 00:12:53,303 Not only that, you can pay for their inevitable back surgery. 337 00:12:53,387 --> 00:12:56,136 I don't think I will, but whoa! 338 00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:57,387 [thunder crashes] 339 00:12:57,470 --> 00:12:59,387 We love this economy, huh?! 340 00:12:59,470 --> 00:13:01,011 It's definitely good! 341 00:13:01,095 --> 00:13:02,553 Otherwise, why would I be 342 00:13:02,637 --> 00:13:05,428 metaphorically showing up at your door at 2 a.m. 343 00:13:05,512 --> 00:13:08,470 covered in sweat, screaming, "You gotta believe me"?! 344 00:13:08,553 --> 00:13:09,553 [cheers and applause] [Don Jr.] Dad! 345 00:13:09,637 --> 00:13:11,011 Because you said 346 00:13:11,095 --> 00:13:13,220 that the economy is rocking my nads again, 347 00:13:13,303 --> 00:13:15,428 Slerve uncanceled the hunting trip! 348 00:13:15,512 --> 00:13:17,970 I'm gonna feed an antelope its own ass! 349 00:13:18,053 --> 00:13:20,387 [sobbing] Thanks, Dad! [thunder crashes] 350 00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:21,512 [chatter] 351 00:13:21,595 --> 00:13:23,220 Crap. There's people of color! 352 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,720 I just know I'm gonna say something dumb! 353 00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:28,387 No, you're not. Just stick to your words. 354 00:13:28,470 --> 00:13:30,220 dramatic music plays 355 00:13:30,303 --> 00:13:31,720 [groans] 356 00:13:31,804 --> 00:13:33,595 Look...folks. 357 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:35,387 Look...look. 358 00:13:35,470 --> 00:13:37,011 Come on, now! 359 00:13:37,095 --> 00:13:38,387 I mean, geez! 360 00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:40,011 Folks! Trump! 361 00:13:40,095 --> 00:13:41,595 Ukraine! Iran! 362 00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:43,387 This isn't who we are! 363 00:13:43,470 --> 00:13:45,762 Look, look, look! I'm telling you! 364 00:13:45,845 --> 00:13:47,512 You know what I mean, folks? 365 00:13:47,595 --> 00:13:49,178 [cheers and applause] 366 00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:51,470 [man] My aunt was right! You rock! 367 00:13:51,553 --> 00:13:53,595 I threw in some words we didn't agree on. 368 00:13:53,679 --> 00:13:55,261 I hope that's okay. 369 00:13:55,345 --> 00:13:58,053 Hey, so, how do I pass sweeping legislation, anyway? 370 00:13:58,136 --> 00:14:01,428 Alright. Here are the unredacted Epstein jet flight logs. 371 00:14:01,512 --> 00:14:03,595 It's all the leverage you need, chickpea. 372 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:06,011 -Oh, sorry. -I'll let it slide this ti-- 373 00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,804 -Holy shit! -Crazy, right? 374 00:14:07,887 --> 00:14:09,845 Bill Clinton took an eight-hour flight 375 00:14:09,929 --> 00:14:13,136 from Palm Beach to West Palm Beach. 376 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,512 377 00:14:14,595 --> 00:14:17,470 [labored breathing] 378 00:14:17,553 --> 00:14:20,136 Mr. President. Are you okay? 379 00:14:20,220 --> 00:14:23,095 Yeah. It's just the economy, impeachment, my presidency. 380 00:14:23,178 --> 00:14:25,804 It's all going so well, it's freaking me out! 381 00:14:25,887 --> 00:14:27,512 -Really? -Are you saying I'm lying?! 382 00:14:27,595 --> 00:14:29,178 I'm not lying! 383 00:14:29,261 --> 00:14:30,553 -Psycho. -I heard that! 384 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:31,970 -Dad! -Eric's here. 385 00:14:32,053 --> 00:14:34,428 Eric is a worker. Eric, say the economy is good. 386 00:14:34,512 --> 00:14:35,679 I got fired! 387 00:14:35,762 --> 00:14:37,553 The Chinese bought the field 388 00:14:37,637 --> 00:14:39,804 and even made me train my replacement. 389 00:14:39,887 --> 00:14:43,220 I made a friend for life, but it was humiliating. 390 00:14:43,303 --> 00:14:45,303 That's good! The economy did that! 391 00:14:45,387 --> 00:14:46,595 The economy is good! 392 00:14:46,679 --> 00:14:49,387 EVERYTHING IS GOOD! 393 00:14:49,470 --> 00:14:52,804 Yikes! He sounds like President of the nuthouse. 394 00:14:52,887 --> 00:14:54,762 [chuckles] Uh, more on that later, 395 00:14:54,845 --> 00:14:57,595 because we're joined by Vice President Joe Biden, 396 00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,679 fresh off his show-stopping performance. 397 00:14:59,762 --> 00:15:01,345 Hey, folks, look! I'm with it! 398 00:15:01,428 --> 00:15:03,095 This is America! Come on! 399 00:15:03,178 --> 00:15:05,970 It sure is. And what a country it is, huh? 400 00:15:06,053 --> 00:15:07,095 And -- Oh, my God! 401 00:15:07,178 --> 00:15:08,679 My eyes are bleeding, aren't they? 402 00:15:08,762 --> 00:15:11,136 It appears so. Uh, wow. Gaffe alert. 403 00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:14,512 Ah, crap! I'm rattled! What was I saying? 404 00:15:14,595 --> 00:15:16,345 Oh, yeah -- Back in '59, 405 00:15:16,428 --> 00:15:19,512 Sugarpuff and his friends and me and my friends -- white -- 406 00:15:19,595 --> 00:15:22,178 arranged a public fight with the winner getting to call 407 00:15:22,261 --> 00:15:24,804 Jumpin' Jacks Soda Shop their territory. 408 00:15:24,887 --> 00:15:26,804 I called it off when a social worker said 409 00:15:26,887 --> 00:15:28,762 Sugarpuff is eight years old. 410 00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:32,178 But that's life in Milkshake U-S-A, isn't it? 411 00:15:32,261 --> 00:15:35,220 [President Trump] The State of the Union is in 24 hours! 412 00:15:35,303 --> 00:15:36,970 Assuming my speech is three hours long 413 00:15:37,053 --> 00:15:38,720 with a five-hour standing ovation, 414 00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:41,345 that leaves 32 hours to fix the economy! 415 00:15:41,428 --> 00:15:44,679 Private-island time. See you on the other side, everyone. 416 00:15:44,762 --> 00:15:46,220 I'm taking this. 417 00:15:46,303 --> 00:15:48,845 Hey, we can save this economy, Mr. President. 418 00:15:48,929 --> 00:15:50,553 Here's what I'm thinking. 419 00:15:50,637 --> 00:15:52,637 Immediately inject the banks 420 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,679 with five trillion dollars in taxpayer cash. 421 00:15:55,762 --> 00:15:57,762 [Kudlow] Okay. 422 00:15:57,845 --> 00:16:01,136 So, the bankers gave themselves five-trillion-dollar bonuses. 423 00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:05,387 In my defense, that hasn't happened since last time. 424 00:16:05,470 --> 00:16:07,261 425 00:16:07,345 --> 00:16:09,178 [Ocasio] Why did you stay on Meet the Press 426 00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:10,929 for the full hour? 427 00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:13,345 I had to talk about the knife fight with Sugarpuff's dad. 428 00:16:13,428 --> 00:16:16,261 No, you didn't! That story was offensive. 429 00:16:16,345 --> 00:16:18,845 And, by the way, no one cares about these Epstein flight logs. 430 00:16:18,929 --> 00:16:20,261 Somehow, the public is comfortable 431 00:16:20,345 --> 00:16:21,929 with a global sex ring! 432 00:16:22,011 --> 00:16:23,804 Ow! Oh, no! 433 00:16:23,887 --> 00:16:27,011 I can't remember the lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"! 434 00:16:27,095 --> 00:16:28,845 dramatic music plays 435 00:16:28,929 --> 00:16:30,595 [bell ringing] 436 00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,470 That's the closing bell. 437 00:16:32,553 --> 00:16:34,220 And even though the markets are closed, 438 00:16:34,303 --> 00:16:36,261 the Dow is somehow still erratically 439 00:16:36,345 --> 00:16:39,428 snapping back and forth between being up 1,000 points 440 00:16:39,512 --> 00:16:41,220 and then down 5,000 points. 441 00:16:41,303 --> 00:16:43,261 And to make this day even more disturbing, 442 00:16:43,345 --> 00:16:46,011 on my way to work, I saw a flower wilt in two seconds, 443 00:16:46,095 --> 00:16:47,887 looked in a mirror, and saw the back of my head! 444 00:16:47,970 --> 00:16:49,178 And last night, I died in my dream. 445 00:16:49,261 --> 00:16:50,637 Needless to say, ladies and gentlemen, 446 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,136 we're witnessing a death blow 447 00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,261 to the dynasty that was the Trump economy. 448 00:16:54,345 --> 00:16:56,595 In my defense, the only reason I lied about the economy 449 00:16:56,679 --> 00:16:57,970 was because it was easier. 450 00:16:58,053 --> 00:17:00,053 But it hurt total bros like Slerve 451 00:17:00,136 --> 00:17:02,470 who took unnecessary risks and lost it all! 452 00:17:02,553 --> 00:17:04,470 He had to move from the Upper East Side 453 00:17:04,553 --> 00:17:07,970 to a five-bedroom, six-bath in Scarsdale! 454 00:17:08,053 --> 00:17:10,303 When he wants to go home after work drinks, 455 00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:12,512 he has to take the Metro North! 456 00:17:12,595 --> 00:17:16,261 How could a just economy let that happen to a former 457 00:17:16,345 --> 00:17:19,845 starting midfielder from the Hobart lacrosse team?! 458 00:17:19,929 --> 00:17:21,804 [sobbing] How?! You know what? 459 00:17:21,887 --> 00:17:24,387 I don't even believe in the economy anymore! 460 00:17:24,470 --> 00:17:25,428 Ditto! 461 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,887 [gasps] Get out of my house! 462 00:17:27,970 --> 00:17:29,303 -Dad! No! -Where will we stay?! 463 00:17:29,387 --> 00:17:31,303 Oh, yeah. Well, Slerve's, of course. 464 00:17:31,387 --> 00:17:33,387 He's got a theater in his basement. 465 00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:36,136 You ever watch football so loud it gives you a concussion? 466 00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:38,887 [Eric] No, but I'm eager to try! [door closes] 467 00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:40,303 suspenseful music plays 468 00:17:40,387 --> 00:17:43,178 The economy is coming to punish me, Melania. 469 00:17:43,261 --> 00:17:46,679 It's only a matter of time before I lose the presidency 470 00:17:46,762 --> 00:17:49,011 and everything I've worked so hard to be handed. 471 00:17:49,095 --> 00:17:50,679 Yeah, yeah. Sounds good. 472 00:17:50,762 --> 00:17:52,470 [narrator] Welcome back to Half-Ton Toe. 473 00:17:52,553 --> 00:17:54,679 Tonight, how could this mom let her toe get so big? 474 00:17:54,762 --> 00:17:58,053 I just pray the economy is merciful and doesn't destroy 475 00:17:58,136 --> 00:17:59,845 my State of the Union speech. Mm-hmm. 476 00:17:59,929 --> 00:18:02,261 Any last words before I descend to hell? 477 00:18:02,345 --> 00:18:05,553 You should have gotten that toe checked out years ago! 478 00:18:05,637 --> 00:18:07,679 [thunder crashes] 479 00:18:07,762 --> 00:18:09,136 [sleepily] Alright, look, folks. 480 00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:11,345 Come on, now. This is America. 481 00:18:11,428 --> 00:18:13,512 [mumbling] 482 00:18:13,595 --> 00:18:16,428 What's going on here? W-what's that? 483 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,387 Hey, Milkshake! I've been looking all over for you! 484 00:18:19,470 --> 00:18:22,095 You remember the lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"? 485 00:18:22,178 --> 00:18:24,679 I'm not tellin'! You'd forget them anyway! 486 00:18:24,762 --> 00:18:27,261 Oh, I really miss that song. How about this? 487 00:18:27,345 --> 00:18:30,887 I'll give you the unredacted flight logs for the Epstein jet. 488 00:18:30,970 --> 00:18:33,553 -Really?! -Yeah. Got 'em right here. 489 00:18:33,637 --> 00:18:35,053 Hmm. 490 00:18:35,136 --> 00:18:37,387 I don't even know if I want to see those. 491 00:18:37,470 --> 00:18:39,804 Some of my favorite directors might be on there. 492 00:18:39,887 --> 00:18:41,553 I won't be able to watch their films 493 00:18:41,637 --> 00:18:43,470 without feeling kind of weird about it. 494 00:18:43,553 --> 00:18:46,136 Come on, man! I gotta get that song back! 495 00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:49,053 Well, then you'll have to learn it again in a new way. 496 00:18:49,136 --> 00:18:50,220 Now wake up! 497 00:18:50,303 --> 00:18:52,387 [echoing] You're about to piss yourself! 498 00:18:52,470 --> 00:18:57,387 Miiiilllkkkshake! 499 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,720 [thunder crashing] 500 00:18:59,804 --> 00:19:02,804 dramatic music plays 501 00:19:02,887 --> 00:19:04,220 [raven caws] 502 00:19:04,303 --> 00:19:07,428 Oh. You were a bad sign. 503 00:19:07,512 --> 00:19:09,762 Just do it, economy! 504 00:19:09,845 --> 00:19:12,512 Strike me down already! 505 00:19:12,595 --> 00:19:13,762 [raven squawking] 506 00:19:13,845 --> 00:19:15,095 [gulping] 507 00:19:15,178 --> 00:19:17,387 Teeeeddd Cruuuuzzz! 508 00:19:17,470 --> 00:19:20,220 Ugh! Jesus, Ted! What are you doing here? 509 00:19:20,303 --> 00:19:22,929 Well, the ravens can't escape as fast in the rain. 510 00:19:23,011 --> 00:19:24,804 Screaming to the heavens now, are ya? 511 00:19:24,887 --> 00:19:26,261 I've given up. 512 00:19:26,345 --> 00:19:28,804 I just want the economy to smite me already. 513 00:19:28,887 --> 00:19:31,428 So you've tried everything? 514 00:19:31,512 --> 00:19:33,053 515 00:19:33,136 --> 00:19:36,428 [Cruz] Here's the thing about vengeful, omnipotent beings 516 00:19:36,512 --> 00:19:37,637 like the economy. 517 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,387 The only way to atone to them 518 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,220 is to feel pain in their honor. 519 00:19:41,303 --> 00:19:42,679 That's how they know for certain 520 00:19:42,762 --> 00:19:46,011 that your piety outweighs your self-regard. 521 00:19:46,095 --> 00:19:47,970 So give up Tuesday brunch or something? 522 00:19:48,053 --> 00:19:49,762 -Bigger. -Saturday brunch? 523 00:19:49,845 --> 00:19:51,887 Offer a sacrifice! 524 00:19:51,970 --> 00:19:54,804 Then, and only then, will the economy spare you! 525 00:19:54,887 --> 00:19:57,345 It also works for getting into the Senate! 526 00:19:57,428 --> 00:20:00,053 [bell tolls] It's State of the Union time! 527 00:20:00,136 --> 00:20:02,929 [thunder crashing] [speaking in tongues] 528 00:20:03,011 --> 00:20:05,762 [Biden] Bill, I'm screwed! 529 00:20:05,845 --> 00:20:07,720 How come you made more mistakes than I have 530 00:20:07,804 --> 00:20:09,470 and yet nothing sticks to ya? 531 00:20:09,553 --> 00:20:10,804 It's so true. 532 00:20:10,887 --> 00:20:12,970 I mean, I was on that Epstein jet, 533 00:20:13,053 --> 00:20:15,929 and everyone was like, "Well, whatever." 534 00:20:16,011 --> 00:20:17,970 That's what I mean. You're immortal. 535 00:20:18,053 --> 00:20:20,804 I want some of that juju so I can be president. 536 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,387 Oh, no. It's a curse. 537 00:20:22,470 --> 00:20:25,512 It's only pushed me further from the American people. 538 00:20:25,595 --> 00:20:28,929 Your mortality is why people like you. 539 00:20:29,011 --> 00:20:30,804 Just like them, you fear losing touch, 540 00:20:30,887 --> 00:20:32,303 so, out of self-preservation, 541 00:20:32,387 --> 00:20:34,637 you retreat to the blissful days of your youth 542 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:37,512 when "Milkshake U-S-A" dominated the airwaves. 543 00:20:37,595 --> 00:20:39,095 And that's a good thing?! 544 00:20:39,178 --> 00:20:42,345 Well, elections fall on days when the only people around 545 00:20:42,428 --> 00:20:45,595 to vote are elderly, so you're hot-damn right it is. 546 00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:46,887 Where are you going? 547 00:20:46,970 --> 00:20:48,512 State of the Union is tonight. 548 00:20:48,595 --> 00:20:52,428 I'm gonna show Americans that I'm as lucid as they are. 549 00:20:53,428 --> 00:20:55,845 Bark, bark! That's the sound a dog makes! 550 00:20:55,929 --> 00:20:58,428 [antelope bleats] 551 00:20:58,512 --> 00:21:00,428 [President Trump] Would've been pretty fun, huh? 552 00:21:00,512 --> 00:21:02,887 What? Feeding an antelope its own ass? Yeah, no duh! 553 00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:04,345 But what do you care? 554 00:21:04,428 --> 00:21:06,220 You know, Don, as bad as we've had it -- 555 00:21:06,303 --> 00:21:07,887 my cabinet, us -- 556 00:21:07,970 --> 00:21:10,345 we've never really suffered at the economy's hands. 557 00:21:10,428 --> 00:21:12,303 We went bankrupt six times! 558 00:21:12,387 --> 00:21:15,095 Right, but my daddy and Russia gave us money 559 00:21:15,178 --> 00:21:17,095 so we had enough to keep the lights on 560 00:21:17,178 --> 00:21:19,345 in our California king-sized tanning beds. 561 00:21:19,428 --> 00:21:23,011 Yeah, I guess that's true. But we're suffering now. 562 00:21:23,095 --> 00:21:24,970 I don't get to see an antelope's face 563 00:21:25,053 --> 00:21:27,553 when I reveal that I just fed it its own ass. 564 00:21:27,637 --> 00:21:30,929 That suffering is not enough to atone for our crimes. 565 00:21:31,011 --> 00:21:33,303 We need to make a sacrifice. 566 00:21:33,387 --> 00:21:35,595 -Okay, Eric, you're up! -No, not Eric. 567 00:21:35,679 --> 00:21:37,470 Something that has value. 568 00:21:37,553 --> 00:21:39,011 [thunder crashes] 569 00:21:39,095 --> 00:21:40,303 [Maddow] Tonight, it's the State of the Union, 570 00:21:40,387 --> 00:21:42,220 which arrives under a cloud of both impeachment 571 00:21:42,303 --> 00:21:43,720 and economic doom. 572 00:21:43,804 --> 00:21:45,720 Also under a rain cloud. 573 00:21:45,804 --> 00:21:48,428 It is drizzling outside, one of those classic Beltway drizzles. 574 00:21:48,512 --> 00:21:49,679 Pace yourself, Chuck. 575 00:21:49,762 --> 00:21:51,345 Oh! And look who's in the chamber. 576 00:21:51,428 --> 00:21:52,762 It's Joe Biden. 577 00:21:52,845 --> 00:21:55,345 Oh, God. What are those dumb lyrics? 578 00:21:55,428 --> 00:21:57,345 Damn it! Hey. 579 00:21:57,428 --> 00:21:58,970 I'm sorry about throwing that binder at your head. 580 00:21:59,053 --> 00:22:02,261 It's alright. I splurged for the shock-absorbent hair plugs. 581 00:22:02,345 --> 00:22:04,011 Hey, I'm sorry about running my mouth 582 00:22:04,095 --> 00:22:06,220 like Sugarpuff would back in the neighborhood. 583 00:22:06,303 --> 00:22:09,595 It's okay. Thanks for... trying to grow. 584 00:22:09,679 --> 00:22:11,970 I brought you something. Whoa-ho-ho! 585 00:22:12,053 --> 00:22:16,178 The lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"! 586 00:22:16,261 --> 00:22:17,637 Oh, and it looks like the President 587 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,261 is making his way to the podium. 588 00:22:19,345 --> 00:22:21,553 He's got a stalwart, presidential gait. 589 00:22:21,637 --> 00:22:24,220 [sighs] He's just walking, Chuck. Let's listen in. 590 00:22:24,303 --> 00:22:27,303 My fellow Americans, over the past week, 591 00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:29,845 I've been guilty of falsely claiming 592 00:22:29,929 --> 00:22:32,220 that I am a prophet of the economy. 593 00:22:32,303 --> 00:22:34,011 And over the past decade, 594 00:22:34,095 --> 00:22:36,345 we've all been guilty of economic greed. 595 00:22:36,428 --> 00:22:38,470 And now we must repent. 596 00:22:38,553 --> 00:22:41,220 That is why, as an offering to the economy, 597 00:22:41,303 --> 00:22:44,762 I'm proposing a tiny, tiny, tiny, 598 00:22:44,845 --> 00:22:47,970 for the wealthiest Americans, tax increase. 599 00:22:48,053 --> 00:22:49,345 [crowd] No! 600 00:22:49,428 --> 00:22:50,637 Okay, okay! 601 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:54,178 Or I guess we could sacrifice... Eric Trump? 602 00:22:54,261 --> 00:22:55,136 What?! 603 00:22:55,220 --> 00:22:57,220 [all chanting "Eric!"] 604 00:22:57,303 --> 00:22:59,303 Wow! Look at this, huh? 605 00:22:59,387 --> 00:23:01,178 Eric, they love you! 606 00:23:01,261 --> 00:23:03,053 Ho-ho! What an interesting offer. 607 00:23:03,136 --> 00:23:04,595 What do ya say, Eric? 608 00:23:04,679 --> 00:23:06,887 I don't feel like being the sacrifice! 609 00:23:06,970 --> 00:23:08,553 You be the sacrifice! 610 00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:11,845 You're beefier, so it'll mean more to the economy. 611 00:23:11,929 --> 00:23:13,261 What do you say, Eric? 612 00:23:13,345 --> 00:23:15,011 [thunder crashing] [all chanting "Eric!"] 613 00:23:15,095 --> 00:23:17,887 Doesn't sound like we have much time. 614 00:23:17,970 --> 00:23:20,345 Holy crap! The markets are going nuts! 615 00:23:20,428 --> 00:23:23,011 Come on, Eric! The Street wants blood! 616 00:23:23,095 --> 00:23:25,720 Eric, it's the job you were born to do. 617 00:23:25,804 --> 00:23:28,095 heavenly choir vocalizing [all chanting "Eric!"] 618 00:23:28,178 --> 00:23:29,845 Okay, okay! Fine! 619 00:23:29,929 --> 00:23:32,428 [Biden] Wait, folks! Wait, wait, wait, folks! 620 00:23:32,512 --> 00:23:34,345 Don't listen to that Russian plant. 621 00:23:34,428 --> 00:23:35,679 We don't need to sacrifice 622 00:23:35,762 --> 00:23:38,345 that tall, blond bellhop with no eyebrows! 623 00:23:38,428 --> 00:23:39,553 [all booing] 624 00:23:39,637 --> 00:23:41,512 No, no, no! No joke! 625 00:23:41,595 --> 00:23:44,261 Trump's acting like we have to please the economy, 626 00:23:44,345 --> 00:23:46,720 like we don't have control over our fate. 627 00:23:46,804 --> 00:23:48,136 But take it from someone 628 00:23:48,220 --> 00:23:50,845 who refuses to obey the demands of time. 629 00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:52,220 We can intervene. 630 00:23:52,303 --> 00:23:53,553 Vote for me, and we'll stop 631 00:23:53,637 --> 00:23:55,845 letting the economy push us around. 632 00:23:55,929 --> 00:23:57,595 We'll put in the hard work 633 00:23:57,679 --> 00:24:01,720 to turn our economy into a system ruled by justice! 634 00:24:01,804 --> 00:24:04,095 [indistinct whispering] 635 00:24:04,178 --> 00:24:06,637 Or m-a-a-aybe... 636 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:10,887 it'd be a lot more fun if we sang "Milkshake U-S-A"! 637 00:24:10,970 --> 00:24:12,053 [cheers and applause] 638 00:24:12,136 --> 00:24:13,720 That was my favorite song growing up! 639 00:24:13,804 --> 00:24:16,428 Me too. Tell you what, you son of a bitch. 640 00:24:16,512 --> 00:24:17,887 You've dragged me through hell, 641 00:24:17,970 --> 00:24:20,178 but we're even if you do you know what. 642 00:24:20,261 --> 00:24:22,887 I declare the State of the Union to be... 643 00:24:22,970 --> 00:24:24,887 "Milkshake U-S-A"! 644 00:24:24,970 --> 00:24:27,387 [cheers and applause] Everyone, get on up! 645 00:24:27,470 --> 00:24:29,428 A yummy ice-cream milkshake 646 00:24:29,512 --> 00:24:32,220 Everybody shakin' from Nevada to Maine 647 00:24:32,303 --> 00:24:34,136 Milkshake U-S-A 648 00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:35,762 Ay-ee-ay-ee-ay-ee-ay 649 00:24:35,845 --> 00:24:37,136 Malted milk and cow's cream 650 00:24:37,220 --> 00:24:39,011 All mixed up in the thing 651 00:24:39,095 --> 00:24:41,512 Milkshake U-S-A 652 00:24:41,595 --> 00:24:44,929 Well, the principal's tryna shut our milkshake down 653 00:24:45,011 --> 00:24:48,553 But not even Mom and Dad can keep this milk out our mouth 654 00:24:48,637 --> 00:24:51,387 Everybody shake from Louisiana to Maine 655 00:24:51,470 --> 00:24:54,095 In Milkshake U-S-A 656 00:24:54,178 --> 00:24:58,011 People do know there are other presidential candidates, right? 657 00:24:58,095 --> 00:25:00,220 Milkshake U-S-A 658 00:25:00,303 --> 00:25:02,595 [Don Jr.] Eric, I sound so much better than you. 659 00:25:02,679 --> 00:25:06,053 [Eric] So, how was the hunting trip, Don? 660 00:25:06,136 --> 00:25:08,053 Did you feed an antelope its butt? 661 00:25:08,136 --> 00:25:11,011 I wish. Every time I tried to cut off their asses, 662 00:25:11,095 --> 00:25:12,261 it kind of freaked out. 663 00:25:12,345 --> 00:25:13,512 If it makes you feel better, 664 00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:16,303 I got a job sitting in a meadow. 665 00:25:16,387 --> 00:25:17,595 That's awesome! Spill the deets! 666 00:25:17,679 --> 00:25:19,970 It's more of an unpaid internship, 667 00:25:20,053 --> 00:25:22,345 but y-you never know where it could lead. 668 00:25:22,428 --> 00:25:24,637 Hey, Dad, you weren't really gonna sacrifice Eric 669 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,720 to the economy, right? 670 00:25:27,887 --> 00:25:29,845 Well, it looks like everything's back to normal 671 00:25:29,929 --> 00:25:31,345 except the economy. 672 00:25:31,428 --> 00:25:33,720 Do you think the economy will ever come after us? 673 00:25:33,804 --> 00:25:36,095 Don't worry, boys. We're rich. 674 00:25:36,178 --> 00:25:39,595 And the economy can never take that away. 675 00:25:39,679 --> 00:25:41,178 ['80s-style pop music plays] 676 00:25:41,261 --> 00:25:44,136 Donald Trump is the president 677 00:25:44,220 --> 00:25:47,595 Donald Trump is the president 678 00:25:47,679 --> 00:25:50,095 Is Donald Trump the president? 679 00:25:50,178 --> 00:25:51,929 Yes, he is 680 00:25:52,011 --> 00:25:54,637 Yes, he is, we elected him president 681 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,345 Is Donald Trump the president? 682 00:25:57,428 --> 00:25:59,220 Yes, he is 683 00:25:59,303 --> 00:26:01,720 We had a vote and elected him president 684 00:26:01,804 --> 00:26:06,845 Donald Trump is the president 685 00:26:06,929 --> 00:26:09,011 686 00:26:09,095 --> 00:26:10,637 Donald Trump 687 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,303 He is our president 688 00:26:14,387 --> 00:26:17,512 We made him president 689 00:26:17,595 --> 00:26:19,845 We did it 690 00:26:19,929 --> 00:26:23,845 Donald Trump is the president 691 00:26:23,929 --> 00:26:26,845 We elected Donald Trump 692 00:26:26,929 --> 00:26:30,387 Donald Trump is the president 693 00:26:30,470 --> 00:26:33,970 Donald Trump is the president 694 00:26:34,053 --> 00:26:37,804 Yeah 695 00:26:37,887 --> 00:26:39,136 Trump! 52486

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