Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

[YAWN]

JER, CLEAN OR DIRTY?

MARGINAL.

[SNIFFING]

NO, IT'S NOT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU USE THAT THING.

I MEAN, IF IT'S FOR ME, IT'S NOT NECESSARY.

OF COURSE, I DO LIKE TO WATCH YOU USE IT.

I KNOW.

LISTEN, I THINK WE SHOULD WAIT

WITH THE POWDER ROOM, THEN, HUH?

NOPE. NO MORE WAITING FOR TOILETS.

I JUST DON'T LIKE TO SEE YOU WORRYING

ABOUT LOANS AND MORTGAGES, THAT'S ALL.

THEN DON'T LOOK.

JER, I JUST DON'T THINK

THAT WE SHOULD SPEND THAT KIND OF MONEY--

NO MORE THINKING TONIGHT.

LET'S WATCH TV.

[YAWN]

WAS THERE ANY GOOD MAIL TODAY?

OH, A COUPLE OF JUNK,

SOME BILLS, AND A LETTER FOR YOU.

HUH.

READ THIS.

"GOD GRANTS YOU AN INTERVIEW,

"1600 NORTH HOPE ST., LOS ANGELES, CA., ROOM 2700,

TOMORROW AT 11 A.M."

IT'S A GAG.

NO STAMP, NO RETURN ADDRESS.

PRETTY CRAZY GAG.

IT'S AN AD.

FOR WHAT?

FOR GOD OVEN CLEANER OR GOD DETERGENT.

I DON'T KNOW.

NOBODY WOULD DARE.

AIR BALL.

ARTIE COOGAN.

WHAT?

ARTIE COOGAN.

THAT'S IT.

OH, YEAH.

ARTIE, CRAZY ARTIE.

NO. AN ENGLISH TEACHER WOULDN'T MISSPELL INTERVIEW.

WELL, NEITHER WOULD GOD.

WELL, I CAN'T MEET HIM TOMORROW, ANYWAY.

I'VE GOT TO MEET THE DISTRICT PRODUCE MANAGER.

SORRY, GOD.

2 POINTS.

DID WE MAKE LOVE LAST NIGHT?

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM. JUST CHECKING.

WELL, KEEP CHECKING.

I LOVE YOU.

[BROADCAST SIGNAL HUMMING]

HONEY, IT'S SO LATE.

WHERE'S 2 POINTS?

HUH.

WATCH YOUR HANDS, NORMAN.

OH! WE WERE JUST--

GOOD MORNING, MR. McCARTHY.

I'M SORRY TO BE LATE, SIR.

LANDERS. HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

IS THIS HOW YOU'VE INSTRUCTED YOUR STAFF

TO PREPARE ROMAINE LETTUCE FOR DISPLAY?

MR. McCARTHY, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT,

AND I HAD THE SAME ARGUMENT

WITH THE LAST DISTRICT MANAGER.

PLEASE ANSWER.

YES, I DO.

AH.

NOW, WHY WOULD ANYONE BUY THAT

WHEN THEY COULD GET THIS

FOR THE SAME PRICE?

MR. McCARTHY,

IF I PUT THIS HEAD OF LETTUCE IN THE BIN,

IT'S GOING TO STAY THERE ALL DAY.

IT'LL BE THERE TOMORROW AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT,

AND WE'RE GONNA WIND UP THROWING IT AWAY.

OUR OTHERS STORES--

YOUR OTHER STORES DO NOT HAVE A RALPH'S UP THE STREET

AND A LUCKY MARKET RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

WHO TRIM EVEN CLOSER THAN I DO.

NOW, I KNOW MY CUSTOMERS, MR. McCARTHY.

I SEE.

LANDERS?

I ALSO NOTICED THAT YOU HAVEN'T

BEEN OILING YOUR CUKES.

WH-WHAT?

WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN OILING YOUR CUKES?

OH, UH...

WELL, IT TAKES TIME, IT TAKES OIL.

IT'S DISHONEST, MR. McCARTHY.

DISHONEST?

UH, SIR,

THERE'S AN INTERVIEW THAT I--

OUR COMPANY HAS CERTAIN POLICIES, WHICH YOU--

MR. McCARTHY, I HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH GO--

YOU HAVE A WHAT?

UH, I...

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

STAY.

WHAT IS THIS?

YOU'RE RIGHT ON TIME.

I LIKE THAT.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

WHO ARE YOU?

YOU READ THE NOTE.

WHO'S THAT, ARTIE?

GOD.

COME ON, ARTIE.

NO, IT'S ME, GOD.

GOD?

RIGHT, GOD.

GOD ALMIGHTY.

BIG G.

IT'S NOT A GAG, I PROMISE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I-I'VE GOT THIS LOAD OF PLUMS COMING IN.

LET THE PLUMS WAIT.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU TALK WITH GOD?

PRACTICALLY NEVER.

HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE GOD?

I MEAN, ALL I HEAR IS A VOICE ON AN INTERCOM.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SEE ME.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE.

THAT'S NO ANSWER.

SUE ME.

IF YOU'RE GOD...

YEAH?

IF YOU'RE REALLY GOD...

YEAH, YEAH?

IF I'M REALLY GOD, WHAT?

YOU LEAVING?

RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

WHERE ARE YOU LEAVING?

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHERE DO I THINK I AM?

RIGHT HERE IS WHERE I AM, THAT'S WHERE.

AND WHERE IS HERE?

1600 NORTH HOPE STREET, ROOM 2700.

JERRY.

HUH?

THERE'S NO ROOM 27OO IN THIS BUILDING.

THERE'S NO 27th FLOOR HERE.

I THOUGHT THIS WAY WE'D HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY.

CHECK IT OUT.

GO AHEAD, I'LL WAIT.

UH, SIR?

YES, SIR?

H-H-HOW DO I GET TO THE, UH, 27th FLOOR?

IN THIS BUILDING? YEAH.

I'M AFRAID YOU'D NEED A CAN OPENER.

WE ONLY HAVE 17 FLOORS.

17.

HUH.

HAVE A NICE RIDE?

COME IN. COME IN.

CL-CLOSE THE DOOR.

SIT DOWN.

GO AHEAD.

RELAX.

DON'T SMOKE.

I DON'T.

GOOD.

TOBACCO WAS ONE OF MY BIG MISTAKES.

MISTAKES?

YOU TRY.

OSTRICHES WERE A MISTAKE.

SILLY-LOOKING THINGS.

AVOCADOS--

MADE THE PIT TOO BIG.

LIKE I SAY, YOU TRY.

YOU STILL DON'T BELIEVE IT?

ARTIE, IF THIS IS YOU, MAN, YOU WIN.

I MEAN, THIS IS THE BEST GAG YOU'VE EVER PULLED.

I'M NOT ARTIE.

I WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO MAKE IT

A COMFORTABLE INTERVIEW.

YOU MISSPELLED IT, YOU KNOW.

WHAT? INTERVIEW.

IN YOUR NOTE.

IT'S, UH...

IT'S "I" BE--

IT'S "I" BEFORE "E."

GIVE ME A BREAK.

A FEW THINGS I GOT RIGHT.

I PUT SUMMER BEFORE WINTER,

DIDN'T I?

YOU'RE SCARED.

WELL, SURE.

AW, BUT, LOOK, IF THIS IS A JOKE, IT'S GONE TOO FAR.

IT'S NO JOKE.

HOW COME YOU'VE GOT SUCH A...

I MEAN, JUST A VOICE, LIKE EVERYBODY'S?

EMPATHY.

I'M TALKING TO YOU IN A WAY YOU CAN ACCEPT.

I'M RELATING.

I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG,

BUT IF I APPEARED TO YOU JUST AS GOD--

HOW I REALLY AM, WHAT I REALLY AM--

YOUR MIND COULDN'T GRASP IT.

LOOK, I THINK YOU MADE A MISTAKE.

I'M NOT RELIGIOUS.

SO?

I'M NOT ONE OF YOUR BELIEVERS.

AND I SURE AS HECK DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

THAT'S WHY I SHOWED UP.

TOO MANY NON-BELIEVERS.

BUT I READ IN AN ARTICLE

THAT RELIGION IS ON THE UPSWING.

RELIGION IS EASY.

I'M TALKING ABOUT FAITH.

YOU'RE GOING TO HELP ME CHANGE THAT.

ME? I DON'T BELONG TO ANY CHURCH!

NEITHER DO I.

GO BACK TO WORK.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET IN TROUBLE.

THANK YOU.

WE'LL TALK ON THE WAY.

HOW?

TRUST ME,

LIKE IT SAYS ON THE MONEY.

HA.

SIR?

HUH?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SIR?

NO.

JERRY.

YOU WANT ME TO TALK LOUDER?

OH, GOD.

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE IN ME.

OH, UH...

THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.

I'M MORE THAN THAT,

AND I WANT YOU TO SPREAD THE WORD.

ME? SPREAD WHAT WORD?

THAT I AM.

I EXIST.

THAT WE'VE SPOKEN.

Y-Y-YOU WANT ME TO TELL PEOPLE

THAT--THAT I'VE SPOKEN WITH GOD?

YES.

THEY'LL PUT ME AWAY.

I'M TIRED OF ALL THE TALK THAT I MAY BE DEAD

OR THAT I NEVER WAS AT ALL.

OR THAT GOD WAS JUST PARTICLES OF COSMOS, GAS.

I'M NOT GAS.

I FOUND THAT VERY INSULTING.

D-DO YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT PEOPLE TO BELIEVE--

THAT'S YOUR JOB.

BUT I'M JUST A MAN.

I--I--I'M NO MOSES.

WHAT WAS MOSES?

YOU THINK MOSES WAS BORN ON PAGE ONE?

MOSES WAS JUST A MESSENGER...

MY MESSENGER.

WELL, LOOK...

GOD...

IF, UH, IF--IF-- IF I TELL PEOPLE,

I MEAN, THAT I SPOKE WITH GOD, THEY--

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

AND NOW AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE,

JERRY GRAY AND STRING OF PEARLS.

*** ***

*** ***

*** ***

GOD?

GOD?

*** ***

TOP 10 TIME ON KGOD.

WHAT IS IT, JERRY?

THAT GUY ON THE MOTORCYCLE

THINKS I'M A NUT!

IS THAT THE KIND OF GOD YOU ARE?

HOW COME DIDN'T YOU LET HIM HEAR YOU?

IT'S A POLICY OF MINE. I TRY NOT TO WORK

WITH MORE THAN ONE SAVIOR AT A TIME.

SAVIOR? ME?

YOU DO YOUR JOB RIGHT.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS JOB.

I DON'T BELIEVE--

I KNOW, I KNOW. BUT EVEN NON-BELIEVERS

WANT WHAT THEY'VE GOT DOWN HERE TO WORK.

HAVE YOU READ THE PAPERS LATELY?

IT AIN'T WORKING.

THAT'S WHY I CAME--

TO TELL EVERYBODY I SET THE WORLD UP

SO IT CAN WORK,

ONLY IT'S UP TO YOU.

YOU CAN'T LOOK TO ME TO DO IT FOR YOU.

NO. NO. UH-UH.

YOU CAN DO IT. IT'S ONLY ONE MESSAGE.

MOSES HAD TO HANDLE 10.

BUT YOU GAVE HIM TABLETS.

HE HAD A BAD MEMORY.

WELL, I NEED SOMETHING. I--

WHAT KIND OF SOMETHING?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.

ANYTHING. A TAPE RECORDING.

MY VOICE WOULDN'T COME OUT ON TAPE.

IT'S VERY, VERY COMPLICATED.

IT'S LIKE, UH...

YOU KNOW HOW DRACULA CAN'T SEE HIMSELF

IN A MIRROR?

IT'S ALONG THOSE LINES.

BUT--BUT--I MEAN, IF PEOPLE COULD

JUST HEAR YOUR VOICE, I--

THIS ISN'T EVEN HOW I SOUND.

I'M TALKING LIKE THIS ONLY SO THAT YOU'LL UNDERSTAND ME.

UNDERSTAND?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!

WELL, THAT'S A BEGINNING. OVER AND OUT.

HEY, HOLD IT!

DON'T HANG UP ON ME!

HEY! YOU JUST WENT THROUGH A RED LIGHT!

YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF KILLED.

I NEED YOU DOWN HERE.

I HAVE SOME NICE FRESH CHICKEN SOUP.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME FIX YOU A BOWL?

IS THAT ALL I CAN GET FROM YOU--SOUP?

YOU KNOW WHAT, DARLING?

WHAT?

WHY DON'T YOU AND I

TAKE A FEW DAYS OFF

AND GO ON A LITTLE HOLIDAY?

A HOLIDAY?

YEAH.

WE COULD GO TO...

SAN FRANCISCO.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN

YOUR SISTER'S NEW BABY YET.

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SEE MY SISTER'S BABY,

YOU WANT ME TO SEE MY SISTER'S HUSBAND.

NOW, I AM NOT CRAZY!

AND I DON'T NEED SOME CHILD PSYCHIATRIST

TO TELL ME THAT I DIDN'T TALK TO GOD,

BECAUSE I DID!

ON AN INTERCOM.

AND ON THE CAR RADIO.

YES! YES, JERRY!

JERRY, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN ARTIE COOGAN

SET UP THAT HIDDEN MICROPHONE

AND HE BROADCAST THOSE FILTHY LIMERICKS

THROUGH THE TELEVISION SET?

IT WAS NOT ARTIE.

I KNOW ALL OF ARTIE'S VOICES,

AND ARTIE IS NOT CAPABLE OF ADDING 10 STORIES

TO A BUILDING THAT DOESN'T HAVE THEM,

AND HE CANNOT TALK BACK AND FORTH

THROUGH A CAR RADIO

THAT'S BEEN BUSTED FOR 2 MONTHS!

NOW, WHOEVER THE HELL THIS GUY IS,

HE'S VERY SMART!

AND I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO HIM...

FOR A WHILE.

AND YOU THINK IT'S GOD?

WELL, HE THINKS HE'S GOD!

AND I'M IN NO POSITION TO ARGUE WITH HIM!

I THOUGHT YOU BELIEVED IN HIM!

I DO! I BELIEVE IN GOD.

I JUST DON'T BELIEVE THAT HE EXISTS--

I MEAN, IN THE SENSE THAT HE REPAINTS FLOOR NUMBERS

IN OFFICE BUILDINGS

OR DOUBLES AS A DISC JOCKEY.

WELL, THAT IS WHAT HE DOES.

AND HE WANTS YOU TO GIVE HIS MESSAGE TO THE WORLD?

YES.

JERRY...

DOES HE KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM?

I TOLD HIM.

IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BOTHER HIM.

SO, IS THAT ALL HE TOLD YOU?

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE SAVIOR

AND THAT TO TELL EVERYBODY

WHAT WE HAVE DOWN HERE CAN WORK, HUH?

YES. HE ALSO TOLD ME

HE'S VERY DISAPPOINTED IN AVOCADOS.

HE IS?

HE SAID HE MADE THE PIT TOO BIG.

I AM NOT CRAZY!

JERRY?

JER?

HMM?

I'LL LET YOU SLEEP A LITTLE LATER.

I'LL TAKE THE KIDS TO SCHOOL, OK?

MM.

JER?

HMM?

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

HMM?

YOU KNOW, ABOUT, UM...

OH.

I ALMOST FORGOT.

I'M FINE.

FINE.

GOOD.

GOOD.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING,

YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY SEE. ALL YOU DID WAS HEAR.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

WHAT?

SEEING IS BELIEVING...

NOT HEARING.

WHAT ABOUT INGRID BERGMAN?

INGRID BERGMAN?

UH...JOAN OF ARC.

SHE PLAYED JOAN OF ARC.

JOAN OF ARC?

YEAH.

JOAN DIDN'T SEE, EITHER.

SHE JUST HEARD, LIKE ME.

OH, JER.

JERRY?

JERRY.

OH, GOD!

THAT'S RIGHT.

IS THAT YOU?

IN PERSON.

YOU'RE NOT ON THE RADIO?

HAVE YOU GOT A RADIO OUT HERE?

NO.

BINGO.

YOU'RE HERE?

IN MY BATHROOM?

COME TAKE A LOOK.

I CAN'T.

I'M NAKED.

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT?

THAT WAS ANOTHER LITTLE GOOF OF MINE.

SHAME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT WE NEEDED SHAME.

COME ON OUT.

DON'T CATCH COLD.

NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED, HUH?

I PICKED A LOOK YOU COULD UNDERSTAND.

FOR SOMEONE ELSE, I WOULD LOOK DIFFERENT.

I COULD DO ANY FACE, VOICE, WHATEVER.

I COULD EVEN BE A WOMAN.

YOU'RE FEELING A LITTLE STRANGE, HUH?

VERY STRANGE.

LIKE YOU'RE GONNA FAINT?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR THAT?

SHAVING.

SHAVING?

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL NORMAL,

DOING A NORMAL THING MAKES YOU FEEL NORMAL.

HERE, START SHAVING.

GO AHEAD.

I AM.

I DON'T MEAN WITH THE SHAVING.

WITH THE QUESTIONS

THAT ARE POPPING INTO YOUR HEAD.

YEAH.

YEAH.

WHY ME?

WHY NOT YOU?

YOU MEAN, THERE'S NO SPECIAL...

LIFE IS A CRAP SHOOT,

LIKE THE MILLIONTH CUSTOMER

WHO CROSSES A BRIDGE

GETS TO SHAKE HANDS WITH THE GOVERNOR.

YOU THOUGHT I PICKED YOU

BECAUSE YOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYBODY?

UH, I'M NOT?

YOU'RE BETTER THAN SOME, BUT NOT AS GOOD AS OTHERS--

BUT YOU CROSSED THE BRIDGE AT THE RIGHT TIME.

IF YOU WANTED TO SEE ME,

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST APPEAR OVER MY BED?

AH, HOLLYWOOD.

NEXT QUESTION.

OK...

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS, UH, PRAYING TO YOU.

DO YOU LISTEN?

I CAN'T HELP HEARING.

I DON'T ALWAYS LISTEN.

THEN YOU DON'T CARE?

OF COURSE I CARE. I CARE PLENTY.

BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

BUT...YOU'RE GOD!

ONLY FOR THE BIG PICTURE.

I DON'T GET INTO DETAILS.

THEN WHATEVER HAPPENS TO US...

HAPPENS.

HERE, I PUT IN A NEW BLADE.

YOU MEAN THERE'S...

THERE'S NO PLAN,

NO SCHEME TO GUIDE OUR DESTINIES?

A LOT OF IT IS LUCK.

LUCK?!

JUST LUCK?

OOH!

PUT ON A LITTLE TOILET PAPER.

I'LL GET YOU A PIECE.

YOU--YOU DON'T CONTROL OUR LIVES?

I GAVE YOU A WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT.

IT'S ALL UP TO YOU.

BUT...WE NEED HELP!

THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU EACH OTHER. HERE.

WITH YOUR POWERS,

YOU COULD SOLVE SO MANY PROBLEMS.

DON'T WET IT.

ARE YOU SURE?

AM I SURE?

DID I DO A GOOD JOB ON THE GRAND CANYON?

WELL, ANYWAY, WHY DON'T YOU?

I MEAN, SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS,

WORK A FEW MIRACLES?

I DON'T DO MIRACLES. THEY'RE TOO FLASHY.

AND THEY UPSET THE NATURAL BALANCE.

NO MIRACLES, HUH?

I KNEW IT.

OH, MAYBE NOW AND THEN,

JUST TO KEEP MY HAND IN.

THE LAST MIRACLE I DID WAS THE 1969 METS.

BEFORE THAT,

I THINK YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE RED SEA.

THAT WAS A BEAUTY.

NO OFFENSE,

BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THE RED SEA,

AND I DON'T BELIEVE 6 DAYS TO CREATE THE WORLD.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I AM?

TELL YOU THE HONEST TRUTH,

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR 5 DAYS

AND DID THE WHOLE JOB IN ONE.

I'M REALLY BEST UNDER PRESSURE.

ONE DAY TO CREATE THE WORLD?

AND THE SUN.

I HATE TO WORK IN THE DARK.

ANYWAY, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER

THAT ONE OF MY DAYS IS NOT EXACTLY ONE OF YOURS.

HOW LONG ARE THEY?

WHEN I GOT UP THIS MORNING,

SIGMUND FREUD WAS STILL IN MEDICAL SCHOOL.

OH.

IF YOU'RE SO INVOLVED WITH US...

YEAH?

HOW CAN YOU PERMIT ALL THE SUFFERING

THAT GOES ON IN THE WORLD?

AH, HOW CAN I PERMIT THE SUFFERING?

YEAH!

I DON'T PERMIT THE SUFFERING.

YOU DO. FREE WILL.

ALL THE CHOICES ARE YOURS.

CHOICES? WHAT CHOICES?

YOU CAN LOVE EACH OTHER,

CHERISH AND NURTURE EACH OTHER,

YOU CAN KILL EACH OTHER.

INCIDENTALLY, KILL IS THE WORD.

IT'S NOT WASTE.

IF I MEANT WASTE, I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN,

"THOU SHALT NOT WASTE."

YOU'RE DOING SOME VERY FUNNY THINGS WITH WORDS HERE.

YOU'RE ALSO TURNING THE SKY INTO MUD.

I LOOK DOWN,

I DON'T BELIEVE THE FILTH.

USING RIVERS FOR TOILETS.

POISONING MY FISHES.

YOU WANT A MIRACLE?

YOU MAKE A FISH FROM SCRATCH.

YOU CAN'T.

YOU THINK ONLY GOD CAN MAKE A TREE?

TRYING COMING UP WITH A MACKEREL.

AND WHEN THE LAST ONE IS GONE,

THAT'LL BE THAT.

86 ON THE FISHES, GOOD-BYE, SKY,

SO LONG, WORLD. OVER AND OUT.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE WERE GONNA MAKE IT?

I SAID YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE IT WORK.

Y-Y-YOU DON'T CARE!

I DO CARE.

WELL, THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

I DID.

I GOT YOU TO CARRY THE BALL.

I'VE GOT NO BALL!

HOW CAN I CARRY IT?

I GAVE YOU A MOUTH, DIDN'T I?

TELL PEOPLE HOW I FEEL, WHAT I SAID.

HOW DO I DO THAT?

HOW DID YOU GET TO BE AN ASSISTANT MANAGER?

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF NEWSPAPERS, REPORTERS?

YOU GOT A SCOOP HERE, AN EXCLUSIVE.

A "HOLD THE PRESSES."

FINE.

FINE.

AND HOW DO I CONVINCE ANYBODY

THAT I'VE ACTUALLY SEEN YOU,

THAT YOU EXIST?

SIMPLE.

SHOW 'EM THIS.

YOUR CARD?

NO, NO, NO. IT'S NOT MY CARD!

IT'S GOD'S CARD.

IT'S GOD'S CARD?

LOOK AT IT.

I AM.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE I GOT IT?

AT A NOVELTY STORE?

GOD GAVE IT TO ME.

OH, DID HE?

UH-HUH.

MAY I ASK WHEN AND WHERE YOU GOT IT?

THIS MORNING IN MY BATHROOM.

GOD VISITED YOU

IN YOUR BATHROOM THIS MORNING?

YES.

SOUNDS CRAZY TO YOU, DOESN'T IT?

UM, WELL--

YESTERDAY HE WAS JUST A VOICE

ON AN INTERCOM,

AND THEN HE WAS ON THE RADIO.

GOD--UH, GOD SPOKE TO YOU ON THE RADIO?

IN MY CAR.

WHAT STATION?

ALL OF THEM.

ALL STATIONS, RIGHT.

AND THEN THIS MORNING

HE SHOWED UP IN YOUR BATHROOM?

YES.

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE

THE ALMIGHTY SPOKE TO YOU, MR...

LANDERS.

MR. LANDERS?

JERRY LANDERS.

HE SAID THAT HE WANTED ME

TO BE HIS MESSENGER.

LIKE MOSES.

WHAT SORT OF WORK DO YOU DO, MR. LANDERS?

I'M THE ASSISTANT MANAGER AT FOOD WORLD

IN BURBANK.

I SEE.

WELL, THEN YOU DON'T SPEAK TO GOD

EVERY DAY, DO YOU?

NEVER, BEFORE YESTERDAY.

UH-HUH.

DID GOD SAY...

WHY HE NEEDED A MESSENGER

AT THIS PARTICULAR TIME, MR. LANDERS?

OH, YES.

HE WAS VERY SPECIFIC.

HE SAID THAT HE WANTED US TO KNOW

THAT IT CAN WORK.

WHAT "IT" IS THAT?

US "IT."

OUR LIVES, OUR WORLD, EVERYTHING.

HE SAID THAT HE'S GIVEN US EVERYTHING THAT WE NEED

AND IT'S ENTIRELY UP TO US.

AND THOSE WERE HIS EXACT WORDS?

CLOSE ENOUGH. YOU CAN PRINT THAT.

DID GOD SPECIFY THE LOS ANGELES TIMES?

THAT WAS MY IDEA.

WELL, WE'RE VERY GRATEFUL.

I'M NOT A NUT.

OH, I DIDN'T SAY THAT YOU WERE.

I'M NOT EVEN RELIGIOUS.

YES, WELL...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. LANDERS,

FOR BRINGING US THIS STORY.

LOOK, DON'T BRUSH ME OFF.

DO ME A FAVOR AND LOOK AT THAT CARD AGAIN.

TAKE A LOOK A GOOD HARD LOOK AT IT.

CERTAINLY. CERTAINLY.

NOW, DOES THAT LOOK LIKE SOMETHING

I'D GET AT A NOVELTY SHOP?

YES.

NORMAN, DID YOU JUST PUT A BAG OF POTATOES

ON TOP OF THAT WHITE BREAD?

OH, NO, SIR.

I THINK YOU DID.

[GOD'S VOICE] MR. LANDERS, PLEASE COME TO AISLE 1O.

AISLE 10, PLEASE.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, NORMAN?

OH, YES, SIR.

NEVER PUT A BAG OF POTATOES

ON TOP OF A WHITE BREAD.

NO, UH, THE PAGE. I WAS JUST PAGED.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING. DID I?

WE'LL GET YOU A NEW WHITE BREAD, MA'AM.

TAKE CARE OF IT.

GOD?

CHEMICALS. ALL CHEMICALS.

TURNING KIDS INTO GARBAGE CANS.

JERRY, I DIDN'T SEE ONE WORD IN THE NEWSPAPERS.

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

THAT GUY AT THE TIMES KEPT LOOKING AT ME

LIKE I WAS SOME KIND OF A LUNATIC.

AND I FELT LIKE ONE.

DID YOU SHOW HIM MY CARD?

SURE I DID.

AND HE SAID YOU CAN GET ONE OF THOSE

IN ANY NOVELTY STORE.

HERE. YOU KNOW, I REALLY FELT LIKE AN IDIOT.

PLEASE DON'T DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.

YOU SAID WHAT I SAID?

ABSOLUTELY!

AND THEY DIDN'T FIND GOD'S WORD FIT TO PRINT?

SOME TOUGH COOKIES, BOY.

[WOMEN TALKING]

UH, GOOD MORNING, MRS. LEVIN.

HI.

MRS. GREEN.

HI, JERRY.

YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET, UH--

YOU DID IT TO ME AGAIN.

WHAT DID SHE DO?

WHAT? UM...

NOTHING.

CAN I HELP YOU, LADIES?

NO.

WE'RE ALL RIGHT.

OH, YES. THANK GOODNESS.

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DID YOU CHANGE ON ME?

WHY DID YOU START TO INTRODUCE ME TO THE LADIES?

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE

THE ONLY GUY IN THE WORLD THAT--

LOOK, I CAN'T MAKE APPEARANCES ALL OVER.

NO, I-- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

PEOPLE WOULD BE DROPPING DEAD FROM HYSTERICS.

MR. LANDERS.

THIS PLACE IS TOO BUSY.

CAN YOU SIGN THIS, PLEASE?

OH, OH, YEAH.

JERRY.

UP HERE.

LET'S GO FOR A RIDE.

I'LL MEET YOU.

WHERE?

WHAT? OH, NOT YOU.

OH.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

WHY WOULDN'T A RELIGIOUS EDITOR BELIEVE YOU?

FACE IT. YOU GOOFED AGAIN,

JUST LIKE THE AVOCADO PIT.

YOU PICKED THE WRONG MESSAGE BOY.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE I'M HERE, DO YOU?

NO, I DON'T.

THEN HOW DO EXPLAIN THIS CONVERSATION WE'RE HAVING?

I'M HAVING.

I'M DREAMING YOU.

AND I'LL BE REAL GLAD WHEN I WAKE UP, TOO.

WHAT COLOR ARE MY EYES?

HUH?

MY EYES.

BLUE.

MY SHIRT?

RED PLAID.

WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

DO YOU DREAM IN COLOR?

NO!

BINGO AGAIN.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

NOW, SEE, YOU KNOW A LOT OF THINGS,

AND YOU'VE BEEN MAKING A LOT OF THINGS HAPPEN,

BUT NONE OF IT SEEMS...

GOD-LIKE?

YEAH, GOD-LIKE!

AND WHAT, TO YOU, WOULD BE GOD-LIKE?

UH...

CHANGE THE WEATHER.

AH. SPECIAL EFFECTS, HUH?

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, A LITTLE EARTHQUAKE,

A SMALL HURRICANE?

NO, NO. I WOULDN'T WANT ANYBODY HURT.

I WAS JUST THINKING MAYBE, UH,

WHAT ABOUT A LITTLE RAIN?

A LITTLE RAIN?

YEAH, A SMALL SHOWER.

ONE SMALL SHOWER. YOU GOT IT.

HEY! HEY, IT'S RAINING!

YOU MADE IT RAIN!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN BAT AN EYE.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER!

RAIN'S NOT THAT HARD.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

WOULD YOU LIKE IT TO RAIN A LITTLE HARDER?

NO, NO! THIS IS FINE!

HOW ABOUT BIGGER DROPS?

NO! THIS IS FINE, FINE.

WOULD YOU CARE FOR A LITTLE SNOW?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

HEY! HEY, IT'S NOT RAINING OUTSIDE!

IT'S JUST IN HERE!

WHY SHOULD I SPOIL EVERYBODY'S DAY?

THIS IS FANTASTIC!

THANK YOU.

IT'S JUST LIKE NOAH'S ARK!

SAME THING, WITHOUT THE SMELL.

[SIREN]

WH-WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, OFFICER?

WELL, I WAS ABOUT TO ASK YOU.

UH...

MY--MY RADIATOR MUST BE LEAKING.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

A RADIATOR DOESN'T HOLD THAT MUCH WATER.

OH. UH...

I--I MUST HAVE DROVE THROUGH A CAR WASH

WITH MY WINDOWS OPEN?

OH, WELL, THAT WOULD DO IT.

YEAH.

WELL, ROLL UP THE WINDOWS NEXT TIME.

YES, SIR, I WILL.

YES, SIR!

THANK YOU, SIR.

HE BELIEVED THAT DUMB EXCUSE.

THERE'S AN AURA OF GOODNESS AROUND YOU.

YOU.

GOING TO TRY A LITTLE HARDER

TO GET THE WORD OUT?

WELL, I, UH...

[THUNDER]

UH, YEAH! I'LL GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT!

THAT'S MY BOY.

MR. BRIGGS.

YOU'RE ALL WET.

OF COURSE I'M WET!

I DIDN'T DRY MYSELF. I WANTED YOU TO SEE THIS.

DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

OF COURSE. YOU'RE THE NON-BELIEVER

WHO SPOKE TO GOD-- TWICE, I BELIEVE.

4 TIMES NOW.

IS HE STILL VISITING YOU IN THE TOILET?

NO. I JUST TOOK A RIDE WITH HIM IN MY CAR,

AND THIS TIME I HAVE GOT THE PROOF!

HE GAVE YOU ANOTHER CALLING CARD?

NO. HE MADE IT RAIN INSIDE THE CAR!

THIS WATER THAT I'M DRIPPING ALL OVER HERE

IS WATER THAT HE MADE!

THIS IS HOLY WATER!

UH, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I REALLY AM IN A HURRY--

I WILL NOT EXCUSE YOU, MR. BRIGGS!

NOW, YOU ARE A REPORTER OF RELIGIOUS EVENTS,

AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RELIGIOUS EVENT

OF OUR TIME,

AND I EXPECT YOU--

I DON'T EXPECT, I INSIST

THAT YOU PRINT HIS MESSAGE

AND PUT IT IN YOUR PAPER

AND GIVE IT THE PROMINENCE THAT IT DESERVES,

OR, BY GOD, YOU WILL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN!

JERRY.

HMM?

NO, NO, NO. LISTEN TO THIS.

"IT SHOULD COME AS NO SURPRISE TO ANYONE

"THAT IN THESE TENSE-FILLED TIMES,

"RELIGIOUS FREAKS ABOUND.

"FROM THE BRONX CABBIE WHO CLAIMS

"HE DROVE MARY MAGDALENE

TO THE AIRPORT LAST CHRISTMAS..."

LISTEN.

"TO THE BURBANK, CALIFORNIA,

"SUPERMARKET MANAGER WHO INSISTS

HE'S HAD 4 CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD, NO LESS."

WHAT?

"ACCORDING TO THE SECOND GENTLEMAN,

"WHO FLASHES A CALLING CARD

"WITH GOD'S NAME ON IT,

"GOD WANTS VERY MUCH FOR US TO KNOW

"HE IS ALIVE AND WELL

"AND THAT OUR WORLD CAN WORK.

IT'S UP TO US."

LET ME SEE THAT.

JERRY, THE LOS ANGELES TIMES.

WHERE IS IT?

HOW COULD YOU, FOR GOD'S--

WELL, IT'S RIGHT HERE.

SOME TERRIFIC COMPANY.

SEE THIS?

A JANITOR WHO SLEEPS ALL NIGHT

TIED UP ON A CROSS.

DID ANYBODY ELSE SAY THEY SAW GOD?

NO, JERRY.

WELL, THERE'S AN INSURANCE SALESMAN

SELLING LIFE-AFTER-DEATH POLICIES.

BUT ONLY YOU HAVE TALKED TO THE BIG BOSS.

DID YOU JUST SAY YOU SAW HIM?

YES.

YOU DIDN'T JUST HEAR HIM?

ONE LINE!

THAT'S ALL THEY GAVE IT IS ONE LINE.

JERRY, ARE YOU SAYING NOW THAT YOU SAW GOD?

3 TIMES, YEAH.

3 TIMES?

IN THE BATHROOM, AT WORK, AND IN THE CAR.

ONE LOUSY LINE.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

JERRY...LET'S GO AWAY

FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, OK?

LOOK, BOBBIE,

I KNOW HOW CRAZY THIS ALL SOUNDS.

NO, YOU DON'T.

BOBBIE...

I SAW HIM.

HE SPOKE TO ME.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S SAY FOR A MINUTE

THAT YOU SAW GOD.

LOOK, DON'T HUMOR ME.

THAT'LL REALLY MAKE ME CRAZY.

OK! OK. YOU SAW HIM.

BUT WHY IS HE TALKING TO YOU?

WELL, WHY NOT ME?

WELL, WHY NOT THE POPE, OR BILLY GRAHAM,

OR SOMEBODY WAY UP THERE?

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT RELIGION!

OH, GOD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT RELIGION?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!

WELL, HE SURE PICKED A FUNNY BUSINESS

TO GO INTO, THEN, DIDN'T HE?

OH, I'M SORRY, JERRY.

I'M SORRY.

I--I CAN'T SEEM TO ACCEPT THE CONCEPT

OF YOU ACTUALLY HAVING A REAL HONEST-TO-GOD

CONVERSATION WITH GOD.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY HE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU!

OH, GOD. LISTEN TO ME.

THIS WHOLE THING IS MAKING ME NUTS, TOO.

TOO?

YOU DO THINK I'M CRAZY.

NO.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE CRAZY,

WHICH IS WHY I THINK I'M CRAZY.

BOBBIE, HOW CAN I CONVINCE ANYONE AT ALL

IF I CAN'T CONVINCE YOU?

JERRY, FOR SOME REASON

THAT I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO FATHOM,

YOU REALLY BELIEVE ALL THIS STUFF, DON'T YOU?

CAN'T YOU?

WELL, I BELIEVE...

THAT YOU BELIEVE...

WHICH IS IN SOME SENSE IS THE SAME AS BELIEVING,

I GUESS, ISN'T IT?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'VE SAID?

DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?

ADAM?

UH...

SOUNDS PRETTY BANANAS, DAD.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

HELLO?

WHO?

UH, NO.

HE ISN'T HOME RIGHT NOW.

NO. NO, THAT'S NOT HIM.

YES, YES. YOU CAN PRINT THAT IN YOUR PAPER.

HE IS DEFINITELY NOT THE MAN IN THE TIMES TODAY.

CAN I GO NOW, DAD?

SURE, SON.

YEAH.

I'LL MEET YOU.

LOOK, I'M HIS WIFE. YOU CAN BELIEVE ME.

DON'T CALL BACK.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MAYBE HE'S GOING THROUGH A STAGE.

YOU KNOW, MENTAL-PAUSE.

THAT'S MENOPAUSE.

YEAH! LIKE GRANDMA.

I HOPE.

AND FINALLY, THIS NOTE.

THE LOS ANGELES SUNDAY TIMES REPORTS TODAY

THAT IN TARZANA, CALIFORNIA,

A SUPERMARKET MANAGER, JERRY LANDERS,

HAD HAD AN ALLEGED CONVERSATION

WITH SOMEONE HE CLAIMED WAS GOD.

ACCORDING TO THE STORY,

GOD HAS APPEARED ON EARTH

TO REAFFIRM THAT HE LIVES AND OUR WORLD CAN WORK.

IT'S UP TO US.

WELL, THIS REPORTER

WOULD LIKE TO HEDGE HIS BETS

ON THE OUTSIDE CHANCE

THAT GOD DID MAKE THIS APPEARANCE

AND THAT HE JUST MIGHT BE TUNED TO ABC.

WE'D LIKE HIM TO KNOW WE DID REPORT IT.

THIS IS JERRY DUNPHY. THANK YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT.

EVEN MOSES DIDN'T GIVE HIS LAST NAME.

THAT SHOULD GET THE PHONE RINGING.

[MUFFLED RING]

I TOLD YOU.

[RING]

HELLO!

YES, THIS IS JERRY LANDERS.

IT'S THE TARZANA DAILY REVIEW.

YES, I'M THE ONE.

SPOKE WITH HIM. ABSOLUTELY!

OH, ABOUT 6-FOOT, BLONDISH HAIR...

OH, HIM.

UH, ABOUT 5'7", I GUESS.

UH, GRAY HAIR.

I ALMOST FORGOT MY PROJECT.

JERRY!

I'M COMING!

JERRY, YOU MADE THE FRONT PAGE.

WHAT?

HEY, EVERYBODY LOOK!

WHAT?

CHANNEL 11?

THAT'S THE 10 O'CLOCK NEWS!

CAN WE STAY UP AND WATCH US?

JERRY, I DON'T WANT THE KIDS ON TV.

CAN'T BE WORSE THAN WATCHING IT.

DON'T WORRY.

COME ON, KIDS.

ROLL THE CAMERAS.

MR. LANDERS?

YES.

CHANNEL 11, 10 O'CLOCK NEWS.

YOU'RE QUOTED AS SAYING

THAT YOU'VE TALKED WITH GOD, SIR?

YES.

FACE TO FACE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE'S A FRUITCAKE.

AND YOU SAY GOD WANTS TO AFFIRM HE'S ALIVE,

AND HE'S VERY DISAPPOINTED WITH THE WAY

WE'RE HANDLING OUR WORLD?

UH, THAT'S RIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET PEOPLE

TO BELIEVE YOU?

WELL, IT WASN'T MY IDEA, YOU KNOW?

UH, HE--HE PICKED ME.

IS GOD GOING TO REVEAL HIMSELF TO YOU

AS YOU CLAIM HE HAS?

NOT AS I CLAIM HE HAS. AS HE HAS.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'LL SHOW UP AGAIN,

BUT HE GAVE ME HIS MESSAGE, AND--

DAD, IT'S 10 TILL.

YES, ADAM.

THAT HE EXISTS?

YES, AND THAT HE WOULD LIKE

US TO CHERISH AND NURTURE EACH OTHER,

AS OPPOSED TO KILLING ONE ANOTHER.

HE SAID THAT?

YEAH. THAT HE'S OUR SHEPHERD

AND WE SHALL NOT WANT.

WE CAN QUOTE YOU?

I DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP.

FOR 10 O'CLOCK NEWS,

THIS IS MARIO MACHADO

WITH THE MAN WHO TALKED TO GOD IN TARZANA.

UH--IT--UH-- THE SECOND TIME.

THE FIRST TIME WAS IN LOS ANGELES.

I STAND CORRECTED.

[P.A.] MR. LANDERS.

PLEASE CALL MR. SUMMERS AT HIS OFFICE.

MR. SUMMERS FOR MR. LANDERS.

LANDERS.

MR. SUMMERS.

GLAD YOU COULD GET HERE SO FAST.

WELL, YOU SAID--

RIGHT. HAVE A SEAT.

THANK YOU.

HOW'S IT GOING, LANDERS?

FINE.

YOU'VE TAKEN OVER WHILE SLAVICK

IS VACATIONING, I HEAR.

YES, SIR.

THINK SOMEDAY YOU CAN HANDLE A STORE AS MANAGER?

I'M SURE I CAN.

GOOD.

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT AT HOME?

WONDERFUL.

THE MISSIS, KIDS, ADAM, BETSY?

BECKY.

GOOD, GOOD.

WHAT IS THIS "SEEING GOD" CRAP ALL ABOUT?

WELL, IT'S NOT CRAP, MR. SUMMERS.

I'VE SEEN HIM.

YOU KNOW, I'VE HEARD IT ALL IN THIS CHAIR.

I KNOW WHAT BEING A MANAGER CAN DO TO A MAN.

TROUBLE WITH BOOKS.

HUMPING CHECKOUT GIRLS IN THE FREEZER.

I'M ONLY THE ASSISTANT MANAGER.

YOU CAN TELL ME.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THAT TO TELL.

I REALLY HAVE SEEN HIM.

LANDERS...

THE FOUNDER AND PRINCIPAL STOCKHOLDER OF FOOD WORLD

IS A MAN DEVOTED TO PRAYER.

LOWELL WILSON HAS PERSONALLY GOTTEN DOWN ON HIS KNEES...

WITH 3 U.S. PRESIDENTS.

HE ATTENDED PRAYER BREAKFASTS

AND ASKED FOR GOD'S BLESSING

WITH THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF

RIGHT IN THE WAR ROOM OF THE PENTAGON.

NOW, I DON'T THINK THAT MR. WILSON

IS GOING TO TAKE TOO KINDLY TO THE IDEA

THAT ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES

IS CLAIMING TO HAVE HAD A PERSONAL AUDIENCE

WITH THE ALMIGHTY HIMSELF!

I--I SHOULD THINK THAT HE WOULD BE VERY HAPPY

TO KNOW THAT HIS PRAYERS ARE HEARD.

MR. WILSON HAS REACHED THAT POINT IN HIS LIFE

WHERE HE CAN BE SURE HIS PRAYERS ARE HEARD.

HE DOESN'T NEED ANY HELP FROM YOU.

IT'S NOT ME.

I'M JUST KIND OF LIKE A MOSES.

LOOK, LANDERS.

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO PUMP ANY SUNSHINE

UP YOUR SKIRT,

BUT YOU HAVE A FUTURE AT FOOD WORLD.

DON'T BLOW IT.

NOW, YOU JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

AND STAY AWAY FROM REPORTERS.

AND IF I DON'T?

WELL, GOD MAY HAVE BEEN INTERESTED

IN TALKING TO YOU AS AN ASSISTANT MANAGER.

NOW, WE'LL SEE HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU...AS A BAG STUFFER.

OVER HERE!

I THOUGHT I'D STRAIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.

THE MESS PEOPLE MAKE.

TAKE A SEAT.

IT STARTED, HUH?

YOU SAID YOU SAW ME

AND THE PRESSURE STARTED.

IS IT GONNA GET ANY WORSE?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HOW SHOULD YOU KNOW?

HOW COULD I KNOW?

YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!

I ONLY KNOW WHAT IS.

ALSO, I'M VERY BIG ON WHAT WAS.

ON WHAT ISN'T YET, I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE.

WHEN YOU SAID--

MOVE YOUR FOOT. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

WHEN YOU SAID EVERYTHING WAS GONNA WORK OUT,

I THOUGHT YOU COULD TELL THE FUTURE.

ABSOLUTELY I CAN TELL THE FUTURE.

THE MINUTE IT BECOMES THE PAST.

I SAID EVERYTHING COULD WORK OUT,

IF THAT'S EVERYBODY'S CHOICE.

PEOPLE HAVE TO DECIDE ON THEIR OWN

WHAT'S TO BE DONE WITH THE WORLD.

I CAN'T MAKE A PERSONAL DECISION FOR EVERYBODY.

WHY THE FACE?

SO FAR, SO GOOD.

WE HIT THE PAPERS, A LITTLE TV.

WE'RE IN BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW, I'M LIABLE TO LOSE MY JOB.

LOSE A JOB, SAVE A WORLD.

NOT A BAD DEAL.

HEY, ADAM!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I GOT OFF EARLY FROM WORK, SON.

I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A LIFT HOME.

UH, NO THANKS, DAD. I'LL WALK.

NO, COME ON.

NO, NO. I'VE GOT NEW TENNIS SHOES ON.

I WANT TO BREAK THEM IN.

SEE YOU LATER.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

WELL, WHY WOULDN'T THEY BE EMBARRASSED?

THEIR FRIENDS RIBBED THE HELL OUT OF THEM, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S ROTTEN.

THEY WANTED TO KNOW

IF YOU COULD GET THEIR TEST ANSWERS

FROM GOD,

AND COULD HE DO ANYTHING ABOUT THEIR LITTLE LEAGUE TEAM?

THEY GAVE THEM A VERY ROUGH DAY.

JERRY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT MR. SUMMERS?

WHAT CAN I DO?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I WANT YOU TO SAY NO MORE ABOUT IT,

LIKE HE SAID NOT TO!

BOBBIE, MR. SUMMERS REPRESENTS FOOD WORLD.

GOD IS WITH "WORLD" WORLD.

IT'S A SLIGHTLY BIGGER OBLIGATION.

BIGGER THAN YOUR JOB?

I HAVE NO CHOICE. THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

THE PROBLEM IS YOU DO!

HOW FAR DO YOU INTEND TO TAKE THIS?

I MEAN, HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO GO ON?

UNTIL EVERYONE GET THE MESSAGE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

UNTIL I CAN CONVINCE PEOPLE OF THIS...MIRACLE!

THAT'S WHAT IT IS, YOU KNOW.

IT'S A MIRACLE! NOTHING LESS!

AND I'VE GOT TO REACH THE GREATEST NUMBER

OF PEOPLE POSSIBLE AND TELL THEM ABOUT IT.

IT'S FOR YOU.

THE PRODUCER OF THE DINAH SHORE SHOW.

YOU'VE BEEN ON TELEVISION A LONG...

NOT THAT LONG. I'M SORRY.

NO, I'M MUCH YOUNGER THAN I LOOK.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

NO. I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY IT THAT WAY.

I'M YOUNGER THAN PEOPLE THINK I AM--THAT'S THE WAY--

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME.

BUT EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE

HAS HAD SUCH TREMENDOUS IMPACT.

IT'S BEEN MAGNIFICENT. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING BAD,

EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

I'M ONE OF THE PERFECT PEOPLE.

THAT'S KIND OF EXCITING.

IT IS. IT IS.

DO YOU REMEMBER

YOUR FIRST MOMENT ON TELEVISION?

WELL, ACTUALLY I DO.

IT WAS IN 1948.

IT WAS MAGGIE McNELLIS' CRYSTAL ROOM,

AND WE WERE TOLD TO BE VISUAL IN THOSE DAYS.

AT THAT TIME, THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY

WAS VERY POPULAR,

SO I GAVE A 15-SECOND IMPRESSION

OF THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY,

ABOUT THE MAN WHO CAROUSES

AND HE STAYS LOOKING GOOD,

BUT HIS PICTURE FALLS APART.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

READY, MR. LANDERS?

UH, RIGHT.

RIGHT.

OK, YOU'LL TAKE THE EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO DINAH.

THIS SHOW IS TAPED, ISN'T IT?

YES. IT WILL BE ON A WEEK FROM TODAY.

YOU MAY HAVE READ ABOUT MY NEXT GUEST

IN THE NEWSPAPERS RECENTLY.

HE IS A SUPERMARKET MANAGER

FROM TARZANA, CALIFORNIA,

WHO SAYS THAT HE HAS BEEN INSTRUCTED BY GOD

TO SPREAD THE MESSAGE THAT GOD LIVES

AND GOD CARES.

PLEASE WELCOME MR. JERRY LANDERS.

[APPLAUSE]

AM I ON?

ALMOST.

THAT APPLAUSE IS FOR YOU.

IS DINAH NICE, DADDY?

NOT NOW, HONEY.

YOU'RE NOT NERVOUS, ARE YOU?

NO.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

WELL, I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU I AM.

YOU HAVE SOME PRETTY POWERFUL FRIENDS.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

WHY ARE THEY LAUGHING?

JUST WATCH, DARLING.

BECAUSE GOD'S DADDY'S FRIEND.

OH.

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE

HE PICKED YOU, JERRY?

GOD ONLY KNOWS. I MEAN...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU SAID THAT

GOD WANTS US TO KNOW THAT HE STILL CARES.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE HE WANTS US TO KNOW?

WELL, YES.

THAT HE'S GIVEN US

EVERYTHING THAT WE NEED

TO MAKE OUR LIFE WORK, TO MAKE THE WORLD WORK,

AND THAT HE'S WATCHING US.

HE'S WATCHING?

YES.

WATCHING US? NOW?

WELL, YES.

I...

JERRY, YOU AGREED EARLIER

TO BE PART OF AN EXPERIMENT TODAY

WITH THE LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT.

DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST?

I WILL. OH, NO.

THIS IS A SKETCH ARTIST

FROM THE LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT,

AND HE'S AN EXPERT

AND VERY ADEPT AT MAKING A SKETCH

FROM A DESCRIPTION.

AND I THINK ALL OF US HERE

WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT GOD LOOKS LIKE.

YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW?

[APPLAUSE]

SHALL WE?

OK, FOLLOW ME.

JERRY, THIS IS MR. FERNANDO PONCE.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

PLEASE SIT THERE.

UH, MR. PONCE, AS I SAID,

IS AN EXPERT

AT EYEWITNESS SKETCHES

FOR THE L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT.

UH, HOW DO I START?

TELL ME ABOUT THE SHAPE OF HIS FACE.

THE SHAPE IS, UH...

IT'S TRIANGULAR...

I GUESS.

UH, HE'S GOT, UH, LARGE EARS.

JERRY, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY DID THIS.

IT WAS THEIR IDEA.

HE WEARS GLASSES.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

GOD WEARS GLASSES?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

HE'S WEARING A FISHING CAP.

A FISHING CAP?

MAYBE IT'S LIKE A BASEBALL CAP.

HIS LIPS ARE KIND OF THIN.

HIS NOSE IS STRAIGHT.

IT'S ROUND ON THE END.

NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT GOD LOOKS LIKE!

I DO.

YOU DO?

YEAH. IN BIBLE COMICS,

THEY HAD A PICTURE OF HIM LAST WEEK.

THEY'RE HORN-RIMMED GLASSES. THEY'RE NOT--

THEY'RE PLASTIC ONES, YOU KNOW?

WHERE WOULD YOU SUPPOSE

HE WOULD GET HIS GLASSES?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

AND YOU KNOW, HE...

ANYWHERE HE LIKES.

WELL, YEAH, HE...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

BOY, I SURE HOPE MY FRIENDS ARE DOING THEIR HOMEWORK.

THIS IS WHAT GOD LOOKED LIKE TO YOU?

WELL, HE'S SORT OF CAPTURED THE SENSE...

I GUESS.

WELL, AMERICA,

HERE IT IS,

AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES...

OF JERRY LANDERS.

GOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DAD, YOU'RE GOING TO GET GOD ARRESTED.

YOU SAID IT WOULD BE DONE BY 6:00.

I'M SORRY, BUT I JUST GOT THE PART.

OH. HEY!

UH, WEREN'T YOU ON THE DINAH SHOW LAST NIGHT?

YEAH.

YEAH, THAT WAS REAL, UH, DIFFERENT.

EXCUSE ME.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET HOME NOW?

WHERE TO, MISTER?

GET IN.

OH.

I HOPE YOU GOT A LICENSE.

HA.

DID YOU WATCH DINAH SHORE LAST NIGHT?

I WATCH EVERYTHING.

I GOT YOU NATIONAL EXPOSURE.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

I COULD BE HAPPIER.

HOW?

FOR STARTERS, YOU DO A SHOW LIKE THAT,

YOU DON'T LET THEM PUT YOU ON

THE LAST FEW MINUTES.

THAT'S FOR FELLAS WHO WRITE DIET BOOKS.

IT WASN'T UP TO ME.

WHAT WAS THAT DRAWING THING?

HE WAS A POLICE ARTIST.

THE MAN DRAWS CROOKS.

HE MAKES EVERYBODY LOOK LIKE A CROOK.

HE MADE ME LOOK LIKE A SECOND-STORY MAN.

IT'S PUBLICITY.

I'M USED TO A LITTLE BETTER TREATMENT.

THAT PAINTING OF ME BY MICHELANGELO--

THAT'S A PICTURE.

AND HE DID IT LAYING FLAT ON HIS BACK.

NOW WHAT HAPPENS?

NOW WE SEE WHO CAN STILL BELIEVE,

WHO WANTS TO, WHO NEEDS TO.

A FEW MILLION PEOPLE SAW YOU LAST NIGHT, RIGHT?

A FEW MILLION? SOME OF THEM WILL BELIEVE YOU.

SOME ARE GOING TO WANT TO PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD.

SOME WILL WANT TO FIRE ME.

SOME MAY DECIDE I'M TOO CRAZY TO LIVE WITH.

WE CAN'T WORRY ABOUT THOSE.

THE BALL IS ROLLING.

YEAH, RIGHT OVER ME.

DON'T BE A MALCONTENT. I'LL WATCH OVER YOU.

WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING OVER ME, WOULD YOU WATCH THE ROAD, TOO?

I'D RATHER WATCH A NICE SUNSET.

[HORNS BLARING]

[TAMBOURINES JINGLING]

[CHANTING]

BOY, DINAH SHORE MUST GET A PRETTY BIG RATING.

OH, NO.

YOU'RE ON, KID.

JERRY?

YES, GOD.

YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH THAT COMES FROM KNOWING.

CAN I HAVE ONE MINUTE WITH YOU, PLEASE?

I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY TO YOU.

IT JUST CAN'T WAIT.

PLEASE! PLEASE, BLESS MY BABY!

BLESS MY BABY. TOUCH HIM! PRAY FOR HIM!

PRAY FOR MY BABY!

ONE SECOND.

IF I COULD JUST HAVE ONE SECOND WITH YOU.

IT'S NOT FOR ME. IT'S FOR YOU.

SANCTIFY MY BODY.

BLESS HIM!

MAKE HIM A TRUE BELIEVER!

OHH...

GIVE ME YOUR GOLDEN STAFF.

I CAN'T.

GOD SAID IT'S OK.

OFFICER.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT!

UM, AND COULD YOU

MOVE THE REST OF THEM ALONG, TOO.

YES. COME ON, NOW. LET'S MOVE ALONG.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT!

I WENT TO EMPTY THE GARBAGE

AND 2 PEOPLE BLESSED ME.

AND THEN ONE OF THEM BLESSED THE GARBAGE!

AND THEN HE ASKED ME IF OUR CHILDREN

WERE CONCEIVED IMMACULATELY.

NOW, CALM DOWN, HONEY.

THE POLICE HAD TO TAKE OUR KIDS TO SCHOOL TODAY

BECAUSE THEY SAID IT WAS SAFER.

THAT'S AWFUL!

YES, THAT'S AWFUL. YOU WANT TO HEAR AWFULER?

MR. SUMMERS SAID THAT LOWELL WILSON

IS PERSONALLY DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR JOB!

IS THAT AWFUL ENOUGH FOR YOU?

BOBBIE, DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU.

DON'T LET IT GET TO ME? DON'T LET IT GET TO ME?!

JERRY, IT'S GOTTEN TO ME!

DON'T YOU SEE?

JERRY!

LOOK, YOU'VE GOT HIM TO TALK TO.

IT'S JUST ME HERE.

ME AND THOSE RELIGIOUS NUTS OUTSIDE!

I HAVE TO LEAVE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK

BECAUSE PEOPLE KEEP CALLING UP

AND ASKING TO TALK TO GOD!

EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR THE GUY WHO OFFERED

TO CHEW ON MY PANTYHOSE!

BOBBIE.

TELEGRAMS,

NOTES IN THE MAILBOX, IN THE DOORWAYS.

TODAY THEY EVEN PUT ONE IN THE DOG'S MOUTH.

THIS IS FROM THE UNIVERSITY.

I'VE BEEN INVITED TO APPEAR BEFORE A THEOLOGY GROUP.

THEY WANT TO VERIFY THE MIRACLE.

TERRIFIC!

IT IS!

THIS WILL GIVE ME CREDIBILITY

AND GOD WILL GET HIS WORD ACROSS.

IT'LL HELP ME KEEP MY JOB.

MR. LANDERS,

IT IS THE CONSENSUS OF THIS GROUP

THAT YOU ARE A PERSON OF LITTLE OR NO

THEOLOGICAL KNOWLEDGE.

YOU HAVE DEMONSTRATED OVER THE YEARS

AN ASTONISHING LACK OF INTEREST

IN SPIRITUAL MATTERS.

YOU KNOW,

IT STRIKES ME--

AS ONE WHO HAS ACTUALLY HEARD

HIS VOICE-- THAT YOU HAVE

VIRTUALLY NO PREREQUISITES

TO MAKE DIRECT CONTACT

WITH THE ALMIGHTY

WHATSOEVER.

YOU'VE HEARD HIM?

HE HAS MADE HIS WORD KNOWN TO ME.

WHAT WAS HE WEARING?

I KNOW HIS WORD THROUGH THE SCRIPTURES.

IT WOULD BE BLASPHEMY TO SUGGEST

THAT WE COULD DESCRIBE THE CREATOR

IN HUMAN TERMS.

WHY?

IF HE CREATED US,

WHY WOULDN'T HE APPEAR TO US AS...ONE OF US?

DON'T YOU SUG--

DON'T YOU, YOUNG MAN,

TRY TO TEACH THIS ASSEMBLAGE

THE ROLE OF THE DEITY.

RABBI SILVERSTONE,

MY GOOD AND GREAT FRIEND,

BROTHER IN THE WORK OF THE LORD,

WITH WHOM WE HAVE BROKE BREAD MANY TIMES,

IS A PILLAR

OF THE AMERICAN JEW COMMUNITY!

BISHOP REARDON REPRESENTS

MILLIONS OF ROMAN CATHOLICS.

BISHOP MARCOS,

MULTITUDES OF GREEK ORTHODOXERS!

AND WHILE WE HAVE

VIRTUALLY EVERY RELIGIOUS PERSUASION

REPRESENTED HERE TODAY--

AND I, PERSONALLY, HAVE BEEN CHOSEN

TO RENDER THE BENEDICTION

AT THIS YEAR'S SUPER BOWL!

MR. LANDERS, WE REALLY FIND

INSUFFICIENT DOCUMENTATION TO SUPPORT YOUR CLAIM.

BUT YOU'RE NOT SAYING IT DIDN'T HAPPEN?

NO, WE ARE SAYING THERE'S INSUFFICIENT DOCUMENTATION,

WHICH PUTS THE SCORE AT GOD, 7...

YOU, ZIP!

WE HAVE DECIDED, HOWEVER,

OUT OF A SENSE OF FAIRNESS

AND ECCLESIASTICAL CURIOSITY,

TO ALLOW YOU TO PRESENT US

WITH CERTAIN EVIDENCE.

WHAT EVIDENCE?

WE HAVE ASSEMBLED A SET OF QUESTIONS...

FOR YOU TO ASK GOD.

THERE ARE 50 QUESTIONS.

50?

YOU WANT ME TO GET GOD TO TAKE A QUIZ?

UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN CONCEALING AN ABUNDANT KNOWLEDGE...

WHICH I FIND HIGHLY DOUBTFUL.

THERE ARE QUESTIONS THERE

THAT YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY ANSWER.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW

WHEN OR IF HE'LL EVER APPEAR AGAIN.

AS A CONTROL MEASURE,

YOU WILL REMAIN LOCKED IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM, ALONE.

NOT EVEN MY WIFE?

OH, NO. THERE WILL BE

NO OUTSIDE CALLS WHATSOEVER.

YOU COULD, OF COURSE, DECLINE.

BUT THEN, THAT WOULD FORM THE BASIS OF OUR REPORT.

GOD!

[CHANGING RADIO STATIONS]

OOH!

GOD?

ROOM SERVICE.

BUENAS NOCHES, SEÑOR.

JUST PUT IT RIGHT AROUND OVER HERE, PLEASE.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

OH, YOU CAN'T COME IN. I UNDERSTAND.

DO I NEED TO SIGN THIS?

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

THEY FORGOT THE KETCHUP.

COME IN!

HEY, THEY'RE PLAYING OUR NUMBER.

$11 FOR A STEAK?

WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT?

WITH ME, COWS ARE AN AFTER-THOUGHT.

JUST TO GIVE NEW MOTHERS A LITTLE REST, YOU KNOW?

BOY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.

EAT. IT'LL GET COLD.

AH, PRETTY CUTE.

WHAT IS IT?

THEY MADE SURE YOU COULDN'T ANSWER.

THE QUESTIONS ARE IN THE ANCIENT TONGUE OF ARAMAIC.

IS THAT WHAT THAT IS?

THEY'VE FIGURED OUT SO MANY WAYS TO TALK TO EACH OTHER,

THAT FINALLY NOBODY CAN.

LET'S SEE...

"WHAT'S THE TRUE ORIGIN OF THE UNIVERSE?

WHAT IS THE SOURCE OF THE PLANET EARTH?"

IT'S A HISTORY FINAL, RIGHT?

HA HA!

HUH. SO MANY REPEATS.

EAT THE STEAK AND THEN GET A PEN.

HA HA HA HA!

"DID MAN FALL FROM GRACE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN?"

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING NEVER CAME OUT.

I MADE ADAM 17.

EVE WAS 15, 16 TOPS.

I FIGURED THEN 16, 17 WAS MIDDLE AGE, YOU KNOW?

WHO KNEW PEOPLE WOULD LIVE SO LONG?

TREES I FIGURED HAD THE BEST CHANCE.

NOW I REALIZE THEY WERE KIDS, BABIES.

YOUNG PEOPLE CAN'T FALL FROM MY GRACE.

THEY'RE MY BEST THINGS. PUT THAT DOWN.

"WHICH--" WAIT.

OK.

"WHICH OF THE WORLD'S RELIGIONS

IS THE CLOSEST TO THE DIVINE TRUTH?"

THE DIVINE TRUTH IS NOT IN A BUILDING

OR A BOOK OR A STORY.

PUT DOWN THAT THE HEART IS THE TEMPLE

WHEREIN ALL TRUTH RESIDES.

"IS JESUS CHRIST THE SON OF GOD?"

JESUS WAS MY SON.

BUDDHA WAS MY SON.

MOHAMMED, MOSES, YOU,

THE MAN WHO SAID THERE WAS NO ROOM IN THE INN

WAS MY SON.

AND SO IS THE ONE WHO CHARGES $11 FOR STEAK.

LET'S MUSH ON.

WHAT WAS THAT LAST QUESTION?

UH...

WILL THERE BE--

OH, YEAH. "WILL THERE BE A JUDGMENT DAY FOR MAN?"

WELL, IF THEY MEAN A DOOMSDAY,

AN END OF THE WORLD,

I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO GET INTO THAT.

BUT IF YOU WANT MY PERSONAL OPINION,

I WOULDN'T LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

THERE'LL BE A LOT OF YELLING AND SCREAMING,

AND I DON'T NEED THAT ANY MORE THAN YOU DO.

GOT THAT?

GOT IT.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF MAN'S EXISTENCE?"

UH, LIFE IS LIKE A GLASS OF TEA.

NO, NO. I BETTER NOT GO FOR LAUGHS.

YOU KNOW, VOLTAIRE MAY HAVE HAD ME PEGGED RIGHT--

HE SAID I WAS A COMEDIAN

PLAYING TO AN AUDIENCE WHO WAS AFRAID TO LAUGH.

BUT SERIOUSLY,

PUT DOWN THAT MAN-- AND WOMEN PERSONS--

THEIR EXISTENCE MEANS EXACTLY AND PRECISELY,

NOT MORE, NOT ONE TINY BIT LESS,

JUST WHAT THEY THINK IT MEANS,

AND WHAT I THINK DOESN'T COUNT AT ALL.

THAT'S VERY PROFOUND.

SOMETIMES I GET LUCKY.

LAST QUESTION.

THANK GOD.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

"WHY HAVE YOU CHOSEN TO APPEAR AT THIS TIME?"

YOU'VE ALREADY SAID.

WELL, MAYBE THEY WANT TO HEAR IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS.

OH. I WANT TO SAY TO EVERYONE

THAT EVERYTHING AROUND THEM

THAT THEY CAN SEE AND SMELL AND FEEL AND HEAR,

THEY SHOULD DELIGHT IN ALL THIS.

THAT WHAT IS HERE ARE MY VERY BEST IDEAS,

AND I WANT EVERYONE TO TRY VERY HARD TO MAKE SURE

IT DOESN'T ALL GO DOWN THE DRAIN.

GIVE IT TO ME. GIVE IT TO ME. I'LL DO IT.

CAN YOU REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID?

I MEAN, IT WAS PERFECT.

BOY, THESE ANSWERS ARE REALLY GOING TO GET THEM.

HEY, THAT'S MY HANDWRITING.

IMAGINE THAT.

SHALL I CALL THE PANEL

AND TELL THEM I'M READY?

NEVER MIND THE PANEL.

YOU DELIVER THOSE PAPERS TO REVEREND WILLIAMS--

THE ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE A FOOTBALL PLAYER.

I DIDN'T LIKE HIM.

HE'S HAVING ONE OF HIS BIG DOS AT THE SHRINE AUDITORIUM.

EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND, HE'S SPREADING THE WORD--

MY WORD.

ONLY MY WORDS, HE RAN OUT OF YEARS AGO.

I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH--

THE REASON I PUT EVERYBODY HERE NAKED.

I WASN'T TRYING TO BE CUTE,

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO CREATE CLOTHES.

WITH CLOTHES THERE'S RIGHT AWAY POCKETS.

WITH POCKETS YOU GOTTA PUT SOMETHING IN THEM. RIGHT?

YOU TAKE THESE ANSWERS

AND GIVE THEM TO REVEREND BIG MOUTH

AND YOU SAY THAT GOD SAYS HE'S A PHONY.

AND ALSO TELL HIM IF HE WANTS TO GET RICH, FINE.

TELL HIM TO SELL EARTH SHOES.

BUT PERSONALLY TELL HIM I'D LIKE HIM TO SHUT UP.

I'LL SEE YOU.

GOD?

YEAH?

THANK YOU.

HOPE I GET AN "A."

LOVE.

LET'S TALK ABOUT LOVE.

WHAT IS IT?

YOU CAN LOVE YOUR BROTHER, CAN'T YOU?

YOU CAN LOVE YOUR WIFE OR YOUR HUSBAND.

YOU CAN LOVE YOUR NEW DRESS.

YOU CAN LOVE MY NEW CAR.

YOU CAN PASS BY A PET SHOP

AND SAY, "I JUST LOVE

THAT LITTLE DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW!"

YOU CAN LOVE THIS, AND YOU CAN LOVE THAT.

BUT WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

SOME FOLKS SAY...

THAT LOVE IS WHAT THEY SAW IN A PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE...

BUT THAT IS LUST, NOT LOVE.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

NO!

IS THAT LOVE?

NO!

IS THAT WHAT THE BIBLE TEACHES?

NO!

IS THAT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

NO!

NO!

BECAUSE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT

IS THE KIND OF LOVE

THAT CALLS FOR A SACRIFICE.

ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE A SACRIFICE

TO SHOW GOD HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM?

YES!

TO SHOW GOD HOW YOU LOVE HIM

WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART AND SOUL?

YES!

HOW DO WE LOVE GOD? WITH ALL OUR...

HEARTS!

HOW DO WE LOVE GOD? WITH ALL OUR...

SOULS!

IS THAT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? YES!

YES! AMEN, I SAY YES!

RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND AND SAY AMEN!

AMEN!

SAY AMEN!

AMEN!

AMEN!

AMEN!

AMEN!

AND YOU CAN SHOW GOD HOW YOU LOVE HIM

BY DIGGING DOWN DEEP

SO THAT THIS MINISTRY

WILL REACH ALL OF THE PEOPLE OF THE EARTH!

BECAUSE THE BIBLE TELLS US, SHOW GOD YOU LOVE HIM

AND HE WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY!

NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK ALL OF YOU TO COME UP.

THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T COME UP BEFORE,

I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO COME UP FOR GOD.

SHAKE MY HAND...

AND LET GOD SEE US TOGETHER.

BECAUSE THE BIBLE TELLS US

THAT GOD KNOWS THE FALLING OF A SPARROW

AND THE DEPTH OF A POCKET!

AND THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

AMEN!

COME UP, COME UP, BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

AND PUT IN OUR HANDS

WHAT YOU WOULD PUT IN GOD'S HANDS,

AND HE WILL HAVE THE WHOLE WORLD

IN HIS HANDS!

[ORGAN MUSIC BEGINS]

* HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD *

* IN HIS HANDS *

* HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD *

* IN HIS HANDS *

* HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD *

* IN HIS HANDS... *

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MAY THE LORD BLESS AND KEEP YOU.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU CAN PUT THAT RIGHT--YES.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOD BLESS YOU.

MAY THE LORD ALWAYS HELP YOU.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

THANK YOU. PLEASE KEEP MOVING.

REVEREND WILLIAMS...

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THIS MAN IS KNOWN TO ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

GOD SENT ME TO YOU.

ONE MOMENT!

ONE MOMENT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

THIS IS THE YOUNG MAN

WHO HAS USED SO MUCH ENERGY

TO CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT HE HAS SEEN GOD!

[CROWD BOOING]

NOW WAIT! WAIT!

WOULD YOU REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID TO ME?

GOD--AHEM.

GOD SENT ME TO YOU.

GOD SENT HIM TO ME!

ARE YOU CERTAIN OF THAT?

YES, I JUST LEFT HIM.

HE WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU THESE ANSWERS

TO ALL OF THOSE QUESTIONS.

GOD SPECIFIED ME?

YES, AND HE ALSO ASKED ME TO TELL YOU

THAT HE'S VERY UNHAPPY.

GOD IS VERY UNHAPPY.

YES, HE'S UNHAPPY THAT YOU'RE GETTING RICH THIS WAY

AND THAT HE'D LIKE YOU TO STOP PRETENDING

THAT YOU'RE SPREADING HIS WORD.

IN FACT, HE SUGGESTED THAT YOU SELL SHOES!

JESSE!

WELL, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!

YOU'RE A FAKE, AND HE KNOWS IT!

THIS POOR BOY IS ILL.

GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

WAIT! REVEREND WILLIAMS!

HELP ME OUT HERE! HELP ME!

SLANDER, YOUR HONOR,

SLANDER, SURELY, CRUEL AND FOUL.

THE REVEREND WILLIE WILLIAMS

IS ON THE ROAD FOR GOD

TO THE TUNE OF 100,000 MILES A YEAR.

HE'S A TIRELESS, SELFLESS SERVANT

OF THE LORD.

THE IDEA THAT HE'D LINE HIS POCKETS

IN THIS PURSUIT IS THE UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL!

NOT ONLY IS WILLIE WILLIAMS' ORGANIZATION NON-PROFIT,

HE PERSONALLY PAYS OVER 6 FIGURES

IN INCOME TAX EVERY YEAR.

GIVE HIM BACK HIS HONOR, YOUR HONOR.

AWARD HIM THE DAMAGES WE SEEK

FROM THIS...DEFENDANT...

A MAN SO OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY,

HE EVEN TRIES TO SMEAR THE GOOD NAME

OF A RELIGIOUS GIANT.

A MAN WHOM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

ONCE CALLED "GOD'S OWN QUARTERBACK."

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

UH, MR. LANDERS,

WILL YOU COME TO THE BENCH, PLEASE?

[THROUGH MICROPHONE] YOU HAVEN'T...

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED YOUR MIND?

NO, SIR.

A PROFESSIONAL LAWYER WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL.

THIS IS A TOUGH TIME FOR YOU TO BE ALONE.

I WON'T BE ALONE, SIR.

THEY'RE JUST GOING TO KILL YOU TODAY, JERRY.

AH, WE'LL SEE.

WE'RE GOING TO LOSE

EVERYTHING YOU'VE WORKED FOR.

ISN'T THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN SAY YOU'RE SORRY,

THAT IT WAS ALL A BIG MISTAKE?

NO...

BECAUSE I'M NOT, AND IT WASN'T.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT GOD WOULD SET ME UP

TO GET ME INTO ALL THIS TROUBLE.

I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT HE HAD A REASON,

AND I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT HE'LL BAIL ME OUT.

AND ALL I WANT TO SAY IS THAT YOUNG MAN...

IS OUT OF HIS MIND!

AND THE ABSOLUTE BEING, THE ALL POWERFUL,

ALL KNOWING, ALL MERCIFUL INFINITE SPIRIT,

THE SUPREME SOUL,

THE KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS,

THE INFINITE, EVERLASTING ETERNAL BEING

LAST CAME TO YOU HOW?

AS A BUSBOY.

[LAUGHTER]

[GAVEL BANGING]

YOUR HONOR, I REST MY CASE.

YOU MAY STEP DOWN NOW, MR. LANDERS.

CALL YOUR WITNESSES, PLEASE, MR. LANDERS.

YES, YOUR HONOR.

I WOULD LIKE TO CALL ONE WITNESS

AND ONE WITNESS ONLY.

WELL, I'M WAITING, MR. LANDERS.

YES.

YOUR HONOR, I WOULD LIKE TO CALL TO THE STAND...

THE LORD GOD.

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

I OBJECT.

THE DEFENDANT'S TRYING

TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF THIS PROCEEDING.

YOUR HONOR, I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.

WHAT POINT?

YOUR HONOR...

WHEN I JUST ASKED GOD TO TAKE THE STAND,

IN THAT FLEETING MOMENT AFTER I CALLED HIM,

WASN'T THERE A TRACE OF EXPECTATION

IN YOUR MIND?

JUST A TRACE, YOUR HONOR?

I MEAN, WASN'T THERE A HESITATION

IN THIS ROOM?

DIDN'T YOU FEEL IT?

DIDN'T WE ALL FEEL IT?

IT WAS THE POSSIBILITY THAT GOD DOES EXIST.

AND IF HE EXISTS,

HE COULD MATERIALIZE AND SIT RIGHT IN THAT CHAIR.

AND IN THAT MOMENT, YOUR HONOR,

WHEN NO ONE IN THIS ROOM

KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT,

IN THAT FLASH OF AN INSTANT

LIES THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

THAT YOU MUST GIVE ME

TO KNOW THAT MY STORY IS TRUE

AND THAT I SPOKE EXACTLY AS GOD ASKED ME.

MR. LANDERS, I CAUTIONED YOU EARLIER

THAT PROPER LEGAL REPRESENTATION

WOULD BE HELPFUL.

I MUST NOW WARN YOU

THAT IN ADDITION TO THE PLAINTIFF'S CHARGES,

I'M SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING CITING YOU WITH CONTEMPT...

AMEN.

...FOR WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS A VERY CLEVER STUNT.

NOW, YOU'RE GETTING DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO TROUBLE

WITH THIS COURT, MR. LANDERS.

EXCUSE ME, YOUR HONOR.

IT'S HIM.

BOBBIE, IT'S HIM.

THIS IS MOST IRREGULAR.

YOUR HONOR, HE'S--

I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

MAY I ASK WHO YOU ARE, SIR?

YOU BETTER SWEAR ME IN. YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT.

DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH,

THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?

SO HELP ME, ME.

SO HELP YOU, YOU?

IF IT PLEASES THE COURT,

AND EVEN IF IT DOESN'T PLEASE THE COURT,

I'M GOD, YOUR HONOR.

[SNICKERING]

ORDER IN THE COURT.

YOUR HONOR, I'D LIKE PERMISSION

TO QUESTION THIS WITNESS.

SIT DOWN, SONNY.

I'VE ANSWERED ENOUGH QUESTIONS.

HE SAW ME. JUST LIKE HE SAID.

EACH WORD TRUE.

IF THE MAN TRIED TO TELL A LIE,

HIS TONGUE WOULD SNAP OFF.

WHICH I WOULDN'T SAY I CAN SAY ABOUT EVERYBODY.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO BELIEVE?

IS MY PHYSICAL EXISTENCE

ANY MORE IMPROBABLE THAN YOUR OWN?

WHAT ABOUT ALL THAT HOO-HAH

WITH THE DEVIL A WHILE AGO FROM THAT MOVIE?

NOBODY HAD ANY TROUBLE BELIEVING THAT THE DEVIL

TOOK OVER AND EXISTED IN THE LITTLE GIRL.

ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS WAS WET THE RUG,

THROW UP SOME PEA SOUP, AND EVERYBODY BELIEVED.

THE DEVIL YOU COULD BELIEVE, BUT NOT GOD, HUH?

I WORK IN MY OWN WAY.

I DON'T GET INSIDE LITTLE CHILDREN.

THEY GOT ENOUGH TO DO JUST BEING THEMSELVES.

ALSO, I'M NOT ABOUT TO GO AROUND TO EVERY PERSON

IN THE WORLD AND SAY,

"LOOK, IT'S ME. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU."

SO I PICKED ONE MAN.

ONE VERY GOOD MAN.

I TOLD HIM GOD LIVES.

I LIVE.

HE HAD TROUBLE BELIEVING, TOO...

IN THE BEGINNING.

I UNDERSTOOD.

I'M NOT SURE HOW THIS WHOLE MIRACLE BUSINESS STARTED,

THE IDEA THAT ANYTHING CONNECTED WITH ME

HAS TO BE A MIRACLE.

PERSONALLY, I'M SORRY THAT IT DID.

IT MAKES THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US EVEN GREATER.

BUT IF A MIRACLE HELPS YOU BELIEVE

THAT I AM WHO I SAY I AM...

I'LL GIVE YOU ONE.

A GOOD ONE.

LET ME SEE,

WHAT'S MY MOST IMPRESSIVE MIRACLE?

AH.

PICK A CARD.

UH, WHAT?

PICK A CARD. ANY CARD.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.

A CUTE LITTLE MIRACLE. GO AHEAD, PICK ONE.

WELL, THERE ARE NO CARDS THERE.

LOOK AGAIN.

OH.

OH, COME ON, NOW.

THERE'S NOTHING MIRACULOUS

ABOUT GOOD SLIGHT-OF-HAND.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS ONE?

WELL, YES. YES.

I'VE SEEN THEM MAKE CARDS APPEAR

AND DISAPPEAR.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I ONCE SAW A MAGICIAN

MAKE AN ELEPHANT DISAPPEAR.

GOOD.

NOW I'LL SHOW YOU ONE THAT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN.

[SHOES SQUEAKING]

I'VE GOT TO GET THESE SHOES FIXED.

WATCH THIS, YOUR HONOR.

[SHOES STILL SQUEAKING]

I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS IN THESE TIMES TO HAVE FAITH.

BUT MAYBE IF YOU COULD HAVE THE FAITH TO START WITH,

MAYBE THE TIMES WOULD CHANGE.

YOU COULD CHANGE THEM.

THINK ABOUT IT.

TRY.

AND TRY NOT TO HURT EACH OTHER.

THERE'S BEEN ENOUGH OF THAT.

IT REALLY GETS IN THE WAY.

I'M A GOD OF VERY FEW WORDS

AND JERRY'S ALREADY GIVEN YOU MINE.

HOWEVER HOPELESS, HELPLESS,

MIXED-UP, AND SCARY IT ALL GETS,

IT CAN WORK.

IF YOU FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE IN ME,

MAYBE IT WOULD HELP YOU

TO KNOW THAT I BELIEVE IN YOU.

YOUR HONOR, I REST MY CASE.

YOUR HONOR.

[WHISPERING]

THIS, UH...

THIS COURT IS NOW RECESSED.

[BANGS GAVEL]

MAY I SEE BOTH PARTIES IN MY CHAMBERS, PLEASE?

DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH,

THE WHOLE TRUTH,

AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?

SO HELP YOU, YOU?

WHERE'S--

SHH, SHH.

[LAUGHTER]

ORDER IN THE COURT.

YOUR HONOR, I'D LIKE PERMISSION

TO QUESTION THIS WITNESS.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS.

NOT ONE WORD OF WHAT I ASSUME

WE ALL ASSUME WE HEARD.

SOMEONE MUST HAVE ERASED IT.

NOBODY ERASES TAPES ANYMORE.

WELL, THEN, THE MACHINE...

NO. NOT A THING WRONG WITH IT.

HE SAID HE COULDN'T BE RECORDED.

GOD.

WHEN HE FIRST SPOKE TO ME,

HE SAID IT WASN'T HIS REAL VOICE I HEARD.

HE SAID HE WAS JUST USING ONE THAT I COULD UNDERSTAND.

HE DID IT AGAIN TODAY.

AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH YOUR STENOTYPE MACHINE?

IT TOOK DOWN EVERY WORD,

YOUR HONOR, EXCEPT NOW,

SOME OF THEM

ARE NOT ON THE PAPER.

DON'T YOU SEE?

HE WANTS US ALL TO DECIDE FOR OURSELVES

WHETHER OR NOT WE SAW HIM AND HEARD HIM.

IT'S WHAT HE ALWAYS SAID. EVERYTHING IS UP TO US.

NO, NO!

THERE IS NO PROOF WHATSOEVER

THAT GOD WAS IN THAT COURTROOM TODAY!

NO. NONE WHATSOEVER.

WE SAW HIM! WE HEARD HIM!

WE DID.

HE MADE HIMSELF AND THE CARDS DISAPPEAR!

WE SAW IT.

ON THE BASIS

OF OUR COMMON EXPERIENCE HERE TODAY,

I CAN SEE WHY YOU FIRST CLAIMED

AND LATER MAINTAINED THAT YOU HAD SEEN

AND BEEN IN THE ACTUAL PRESENCE OF, UH...

OF GOD.

AND FOR THAT REASON, UH,

YOUR REMARKS TO THE REVEREND WILLIAMS

COULD BE REGARDED AS A DIVINE ASSIGNMENT.

I SHALL RULE, THEREFORE,

THAT THE CHARGE OF SLANDER BE DISMISSED.

SAM!

NOW, IF, AS YOU ALSO CLAIM,

IT IS GOD'S OPINION

THAT WE SHOULD ALL MAKE OUR OWN DECISIONS

AND ABIDE BY THEM ACCORDINGLY,

THEN I MUST ALSO RULE

THAT ON THE BASIS OF THE EVIDENCE,

OR, UH...

OR RATHER THE, UM, THE LACK OF IT,

THAT AS MUCH AS WE ALL MAY THINK

THAT WHAT WE SAW HERE TODAY WAS REAL,

GOD DID NOT, IN FACT,

APPEAR HERE BEFORE US.

YOU MAY, OF COURSE,

APPEAL TO A HIGHER COURT.

WE HEARD FROM THE HIGHEST COURT.

THANK YOU.

GOOD-BYE, MR. SLAVICK.

OH, JER...

WE'LL SEND YOU YOUR PICTURE.

OH. WOULD YOU DO THAT?

OH, SURE. THANK YOU.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO?

WHERE ARE YOU?

TURN AROUND.

WELL?

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

I'M GOING ON A TRIP

TO SPEND A LITTLE TIME

WITH ANIMALS.

I LIKE ANIMALS,

AND SOMETIMES I DON'T SPEND

ENOUGH TIME WITH THEM.

WE FAILED, DIDN'T WE?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING?

WE DID TERRIFIC.

I GAVE A MESSAGE OF ENCOURAGEMENT,

YOU PASSED IT ALONG.

NOW WE'LL SEE.

YOU DID GOOD.

WE BOTH DID GOOD. WE'RE COVERED.

YOU THINK ANYBODY GOT THE MESSAGE?

DO YOU THINK WE HAVE ENOUGH APPLES

IN THE WORLD?

APPLES?

WE GOT ALL THE APPLES WE NEED.

YOU'RE JOHNNY APPLESEED.

YOU DROP A FEW SEEDS AND YOU MOVE ON.

IF THE SEEDS ARE GOOD, THEY'LL TAKE ROOT.

I GAVE YOU GREAT SEEDS. THE BEST.

I LOST MY JOB, YOU KNOW.

THERE ARE OTHER CITIES, OTHER SUPERMARKETS.

EVERYBODY THINKS I'M A NUT.

GALILEO, PASTEUR,

EINSTEIN, COLUMBUS...

YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY.

HOLD ON.

WELL, I BETTER BE GOING.

UH, AREN'T YOU COMING BACK?

NO.

EVER?

WHEN "EVER" COMES, WE'LL SEE.

UH, SOMETIMES, UH...

NOW AND THEN...

COULDN'T WE JUST TALK?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU TALK, I'LL LISTEN.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--