Original subtitles

TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF.

MY EYES.

MR. DEMPSEY, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU THINK

IS WRONG WITH THEM?

I'D LIKE THEM TO LOOK MORE LIKE HERS.

IT'S FOR MY PARENTS, ACTUALLY.

WE'RE VERY CLOSE, AND THEY'RE, UM...

TRADITIONAL?

XENOPHOBIC.

Kurt: HER MOTHER'S NISEI.

SHE WAS BORN IN

A JAPANESE-AMERICAN INTERNMENT CAMP.

HER FAMILY LOST EVERYTHING--

THEIR HOME, THEIR BUSINESS,

THEIR DIGNITY.

SHE'S ALWAYS DISAPPROVED

OF ANY MAN I WENT OUT WITH WHO WASN'T JAPANESE.

I JUST CAN'T TAKE THE CHANCE THIS TIME...

NOT WITH HIM. NOT WHEN YOU FOUND THE ONE.

Christian: MISS MORIATA, IF HE'S THE ONE,

WHY NOT ELOPE AND THEN

INTRODUCE HIM TO YOUR MOTHER?

IT'S A LOT MORE REASONABLE THAN

ASKING YOUR FIANCE TO REARRANGE HIS FACE.

THE LAST MAN I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT WAS ALSO WHITE.

SHE SAID IF I MARRIED HIM, I WILL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER KNOW THEIR FAMILY.

Kurt: I CAN'T LET LEIGH MAKE THAT KIND OF SACRIFICE

WHEN I CAN PREVENT IT BY HAVING THIS OPERATION.

IT ISN'T QUITE SO SIMPLE, MR. DEMPSEY.

THERE'S NO GUARANTEE THAT THE SURGERY,

NO MATTER HOW GOOD A JOB WE DO,

IS GOING TO ADEQUATELY CONVINCE LEE'S MOTHER

THAT YOU'RE JAPANESE.

I'D HATE FOR YOU TO PUT YOURSELF

THROUGH THE PAIN AND TRAUMA OF AN OPERATION

AND NOT HAVE IT COME OUT THE WAY YOU'D LIKE IT TO.

Christian: AND, OF COURSE, THE PROCEDURE

IS SOMEWHAT UNCOMMON.

SO THERE WOULD BE SOME EXTRA EXPENSE.

Kurt: WHATEVER THE COST.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT IT.

MY MIND'S MADE UP.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH

THAT YOU'RE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING

TO KEEP FROM LOSING THEM?

Annie McNamara: MOM, I CAN'T FIND MY PYRAMID.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH IT.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, ANNIE.

I'M JUST A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT.

[SIGHS]

SHIT.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

* AH *

* MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL *

* MAKE ME *

* A PERFECT SOUL *

* A PERFECT MIND *

* A PERFECT FACE *

* A PERFECT *

* LIE *

* TIME IS CHANGED, ROLLIN' ARRANGED *

* STEP OUTSIDE, JUMP AROUND IN THE RAIN *

* HARD TO SURVIVE IN A LANE INTERCHANGE *

* INTO THE SPOTLIGHT, SWEET CANDY CANE *

* LOVE HOW THE NIGHT LIGHTS FLOW KINDA STRANGE *

* 24 CARATS, BOTH EARRINGS... *

IT'S REAL.

YES.

YOU WEREN'T EVEN LOOKING, WERE YOU?

I HAVE FIRSTHAND KNOWLEDGE.

YOU KNOW, WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY,

THEY'VE GOT NO MODESTY.

OH, GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Serge: YOU INTERESTED?

ACTUALLY, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

A LITTLE HIGHER ON THE FOOD CHAIN.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, VICTOR?

OH, I'M THROUGH LOOKING.

Christian: COME ON, YOU'RE ONLY ENGAGED.

MONOGAMY DOESN'T OFFICIALLY GO INTO EFFECT

UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING.

WELL, SUSANNAH DOESN'T SEE IT THAT WAY.

SUSANNAH WILL NEVER KNOW.

Serge: YEAH, SHE BLOODY WILL.

SOON AS YOU COMMIT,

IT DON'T MATTER WHAT YOU WASH WITH,

THEY SMELL INFIDELITY ON YOU

LIKE CAT PISS, CAN'T THEY?

Victor: SEE, I GET IT.

2 OF YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS

BECAUSE I GET ALL I WANT WHENEVER I WANT IT.

EVER NOTICE HOW MONOGAMY RHYMES WITH MONOTONY?

Victor: I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, MAN.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE.

OF COURSE I HAVE. IT'S THAT BEAUTIFUL MOMENT

BETWEEN MEETING THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS

AND SEEING HER STRETCH MARKS.

[LAUGHS]

DOES SUSANNAH GIVE YOU HEAD?

ALL THE TIME.

WELL, DON'T GET TOO USED TO IT.

ONCE YOU SAY, "I DO," THEY SAY, "I DON'T."

UNTRUE. SOME OF THE BEST BLOW JOBS I'VE HAD

WERE FROM MARRIED WOMEN.

Serge: AMERICANS DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF ORAL SEX.

Victor: OK, HERE WE GO.

SO EVERYTHING EUROPEAN IS BETTER, RIGHT, SERGE?

CIGARETTES? WINE?

GERMAN WOMEN, THEY'RE THE BEST.

SPEAKING, OF COURSE,

AS THE EXPERT ON INTERNATIONAL HEAD.

HAS TO DO WITH THEIR ABILITY

TO FOLLOW ORDERS.

[LAUGHS]

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN,

BUT, UH, THAT POOR GIRL LOOKS PARCHED.

I'D BETTER BUY HER A DRINK.

DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF IT, MAN?

THE WHOLE WHO-AM-I-GONNA- LAY-TONIGHT SCENE?

YES, VICTOR, I DO. I GET ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED.

IT'S NOT JUST PEAS AND CORN, PEOPLE.

MENDEL AND McCLINTOCK HAVE PROVIDED US

WITH THE KEY TO UNDERSTANDING

HOW PHYSICAL APPEARANCE, METABOLIC CAPACITY,

AND INTELLIGENCE ARE PASSED ON

FROM PARENTS TO OFFSPRING.

OF COURSE, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT INHERENT POTENTIAL,

WHICH SOME ORGANISMS MAY REACH,

WHILE OTHERS WILL NOT.

SOMEONE'S BEEN STUDYING, I SEE.

WELL, I GUESS I KNOW WHO

I'LL BE SITTING NEXT TO DURING THE MCATs.

AH, BETTER PICK SOMEONE ELSE.

NO, LISTEN, I PROMISE

I'LL ONLY COPY QUESTIONS

ON MENDEL AND McCLINTOCK.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY DON'T WE DISCUSS IT OVER LUNCH?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO TANTRA?

OH, JUDE, I'M--

NO, IT'S GREAT.

THEY GOT THIS MOVIE OF THE KAMA SUTRA

PLAYING IN THE DINING ROOM.

MMM, PERFECT PLACE TO DISCUSS REPRODUCTION.

LOOK, UH, JUDE, I'M FLATTERED IN EVERY WAY.

BUT YOU'D JUST BE WASTING YOUR TIME.

I'M PROBABLY NOT EVEN GOING TO MED SCHOOL.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

WITH ALL THAT BEAUTY AND BRAINS?

I DON'T KNOW.

PASS THEM ON TO MY OFFSPRING?

Sean: APPARENTLY, SHE LEFT HIM FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

Christian: WELL, IF SHE LOOKED

ANYTHING LIKE THIS, HE PROBABLY

PAID THE GUY TO ABDUCT HER.

WHAT WOULD MAKE SOMEONE DO THIS?

LOVE.

HE WAS OBVIOUSLY DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH...TOYOTA.

Christian: LATOYA.

THE BUTT CRACK'S TOUGH TO READ.

IT'S A SIGN OF COMMITMENT.

MAYBE IT WAS HIS WAY OF TELLING THE WORLD

HE'D MET HIS SOULMATE.

WHOM WE'RE NOW ABOUT TO SCRAPE OFF HIS BACK

ALONG WITH 2 LAYERS OF SKIN

DOWN TO THE DERMIS.

YOU AND JULIA LOVE EACH OTHER.

I DON'T SEE YOU BRANDING EACH OTHER'S NAMES

ALL OVER YOUR BUTTS.

THEN AGAIN, I HAVEN'T SHOWERED

WITH EITHER OF YOU SINCE COLLEGE.

WE DISCUSSED IT BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.

SHE THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY.

I WOULD'VE DONE IT.

I HAVE A TATTOO ON MY RIGHT BREAST.

2 FEMALE SYMBOLS INTERTWINED.

DOUBLE DYKES.

I'M EXPRESSING MY LESBIAN IDENTITY.

EXCUSE ME. I HAVE A COUPLE

WHO HAVE BEEN WAITING AN HOUR.

THEY WANT TO TALK TO ONE OF YOU.

YOU GO. I CAN DO THIS.

SO CAN I. YOU GO.

Grace: WELL, I NEED ONE OF YOU.

THEY'VE READ THE BROCHURE SO MANY TIMES,

THEY'VE MEMORIZED IT.

THINGS ARE NEVER GONNA IMPROVE

UNLESS YOU WORK ON THEM. YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING.

BELIEVE ME, IF I WASN'T TRYING,

SHE'D BE DEAD BY NOW.

THE CAR WAS TOTALLED.

PEOPLE WHO SAW WHAT HAPPENED

COULDN'T BELIEVE I JUST WALKED AWAY.

I JUST THANK GOD SHE'S ALIVE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'D MAKE IT WITHOUT HER.

NOTHING ELSE BROKEN?

NO, JUST MY NOSE.

I SEE.

Ellie: SINCE IT HAS TO BE RESET ANYWAY,

IF THAT IS THE RIGHT EXPRESSION,

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD DO SOMETHING

TO MAKE IT A LITTLE CUTER.

YOUR NOSE COULDN'T BE ANY CUTER.

Ellie: NEVER MIND HIM.

I ALMOST HAD A ZIT THE SIZE OF MOUNT SAINT HELENS

THAT HE THOUGHT WAS ADORABLE.

HA HA HA!

EXCUSE ME. AHEM. OK.

LET'S SEE.

WE COULD, UH, TAKE OFF A LITTLE HERE, AND THEN--

Grace: ANY OTHER SIDE EFFECTS FROM THE ACCIDENT?

DREAMS? INABILITY TO FOCUS?

UNDUE FEAR? SLEEPLESSNESS?

NO.

OH, EXCUSE ME, DR. SANTIAGO,

I'D ASSUMED YOU'D ASKED THESE QUESTIONS

WHILE THEY WERE WAITING FOR ME

TO GET OUT OF SURGERY.

I TELL YOU WHAT. I'LL TALK IT OVER

WITH MY PARTNER, DR. McNAMARA,

AND WE'LL SCHEDULE YOU FOR SURGERY, OK?

OK.

ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE TO ADD, DR. SANTIAGO?

NOT A THING.

EXCELLENT.

THANK YOU, DR. TROY.

MAKE SURE NURSE LINDA GETS ALL YOUR INFORMATION.

THIS WAY.

THANK YOU.

WELL, I SEE NO PROBLEM.

AFTER A LIFE-THREATENING ACCIDENT,

A LITTLE CHANGE CAN BE THERAPEUTIC.

DR. SANTIAGO, DO ME A FAVOR.

WHEN A PATIENT IS WAITING FOR ME FOR WHATEVER REASON,

PLEASE BEGIN YOUR CONSULTATION IN YOUR OFFICE.

AND WHEN I'M THROUGH?

STAY THERE.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

I WAS JUST THINKING IT'S A SHAME

TURTLENECKS AREN'T IN STYLE ANYMORE.

AHEM.

HI, HONEY. THESE ARE FOR YOU.

THAT WAS A JOKE.

THANK YOU. THEY'RE LOVELY.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO THE TROUBLE.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT STINK?

DECAY. I KEPT MEANING TO THROW THEM OUT, BUT...

YOU NEED SOME HELP?

WHY DON'T I SET THE TABLE?

HEY, YOU GOT AN "A"!

MINUS.

STILL, I'M IMPRESSED.

AHEM. IT'S JUST ONE TEST.

THIS THE TEACHER YOU KNEW IN COLLEGE?

IT WAS MULTIPLE CHOICE,

IN CASE YOU THINK SHE SHOWED FAVORITISM.

I MEANT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A GREAT STUDENT.

BETTER THAN ME.

THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY STILL GOT POTENTIAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT POTENTIAL IS, SEAN?

NOTHING. JUST WISHFUL THINKING,

A POSSIBILITY THAT DOESN'T EXIST

UNLESS IT'S FULFILLED.

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE ACORN IS THE TREE. REMEMBER?

JUNIOR YEAR PHILOSOPHY?

NIETZSCHE?

HEGEL.

I REST MY CASE.

BUT JUST LOOK AT US, SEAN.

I'M STILL THE ACORN AND YOU BECAME THE TREE.

YOU WANT TO GO TO MED SCHOOL?

WE'LL MAKE IT HAPPEN.

YOU'VE GOT MY SUPPORT

FINANCIALLY, EMOTIONALLY,

WHATEVER IT TAKES.

I'M PREGNANT.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Matt McNamara: HEY, WHAT'S FOR SUPPER?

[SNIFFS]

UH, JEEZ, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

DID SOMETHING DIE IN HERE OR WHAT?

SO YOU GUYS READY TO TURN CHARLIE BROWN INTO POKEMON?

DOES ANYONE HERE BESIDES ME

THINK THERE'S ANYTHING MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE

ABOUT A WHITE MAN TRYING TO PASS HIMSELF OFF

AS A VICTIM

OF THE AMERICAN RACIAL HIERARCHY?

SEAN, TELL HER TO QUIT USING

ALL THOSE BIG WORDS AROUND ME.

IT'S OUR JOB TO ALLEVIATE PAIN.

THAT'S YOUR ANSWER?

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST TURN EVERYONE WHITE AND HETERO?

WE CAN CHANGE THE OBSTACLE THAT SEPARATES THIS GUY

FROM THE ONE THING HE WANTS IN LIFE.

I SEE NOTHING WRONG IN DOING THAT.

LIZ, YOU SHAVE UNDER YOUR ARMS?

OF COURSE.

WHY? YOU'RE TRYING TO PASS YOURSELF OFF

AS BEING STRAIGHT?

Liz: KEEP TALKING.

YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO A HARASSMENT SUIT.

COULD YOU JUST TRY

ACTING PROFESSIONALLY AROUND HER FOR A CHANGE?

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

WHO PISSED IN YOUR CREAM OF WHEAT THIS MORNING?

JULIA'S PREGNANT.

CONGRATULATIONS.

OR SHOULD I NOT SAY CONGRATULATIONS?

I DON'T KNOW, ACTUALLY.

IS JULIA EXCITED?

IT'S COMPLICATED. I MEAN,

SHE STARTED TAKING THESE PREMED COURSES.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HER TIME

TO, YOU KNOW, DO HER THING.

THAT WAS SORT OF THE PLAN.

SO SHE'S AMBIVALENT.

TIMING HAS NEVER BEEN MY STRONG SUIT

AS FAR AS JULIA GETTING PREGNANT,

LIKE WITH MATT, REMEMBER?

WHAT YOU SAID BACK THEN REALLY HELPED.

I CAN'T IMAGINE MY LIFE NOW WITHOUT HIM.

I JUST TOLD YOU WHAT

YOU WANTED TO HEAR, THAT'S ALL.

WELL, DO IT AGAIN.

YOU MEAN TALK YOU OUT OF PUSHING JULIA

INTO HAVING AN ABORTION?

YEAH.

I DON'T THINK I CAN.

YOU WERE IN A DIFFERENT PLACE BACK THEN.

YOU GUYS WERE YOUNG. YOU WERE IN LOVE.

WE'RE STILL IN LOVE.

LISTEN, IF YOUR GUT

IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT,

MAYBE IT ISN'T.

OR MAYBE IT IS. MAYBE IT'LL GIVE US

SOMETHING GOOD TO FOCUS ON.

DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,

BUT YOU HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN SUPERDAD.

SO I'LL DO BETTER THIS TIME. PEOPLE CHANGE.

FACES CHANGE AND ASSES AND THIGHS, BUT PEOPLE?

COME ON, SEAN. YOU THINK THAT GUY'S GONNA BE

ANY MORE JAPANESE BECAUSE WE MAKE HIM LOOK ASIAN?

NO ONE CHANGES. WE ARE WHO WE ARE.

[LOVEFOOL BY THE CARDIGANS PLAYING]

* MAMA TELLS ME *

* I SHOULDN'T BOTHER *

* THAT I OUGHT JUST STICK TO ANOTHER MAN *

* A MAN THAT SURELY DESERVES ME *

* BUT I THINK YOU DO *

* SO I CRY AND I PRAY AND I BEG *

* LOVE ME, LOVE ME *

* SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME *

* FOOL ME, FOOL ME... *

OH, MY GOD!

* PRETEND THAT YOU LOVE ME *

* I CAN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT YOU *

IT'S CONSIDERED A COURTESY

FOR THE PERSON WHO FINISHES THE POT

TO MAKE MORE.

IS IT?

I JUST ASSUMED YOU HAD A COFFEE GIRL

WHO PROVIDED YOU WITH THAT SERVICE.

Christian: NO, WE DON'T.

ODD. I'D HAVE THOUGHT MAKING COFFEE

WOULD BE A LOT MORE DIFFICULT

THAN WATERING PLANTS.

JASMINE'S SPECIAL.

SHE HAS A GIFT FOR MAKING THINGS GROW.

ARE YOU REPEATEDLY

FLAUNTING THIS ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR IN FRONT OF ME

BECAUSE A WOMAN HAS INVADED YOUR BOYS' CLUB?

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL TOO UNCOMFORTABLE,

FEEL FREE TO LEAVE.

I'M SURE THAT SEAN WILL GIVE YOU

A GLOWING RECOMMENDATION.

I HOPE YOU'LL TAKE THIS IN THE SPIRIT

IN WHICH IT IS INTENDED.

I CAN ALREADY TELL YOU

THAT GOING ANY FURTHER WITH THAT SENTENCE

IS A MISTAKE.

THE PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH ON 64th AND COLLINS

HAS S.A. MEETINGS EVERY NIGHT FROM 8:00 TO 9:00.

SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS.

I'M SPEAKING TO YOU AS A PROFESSIONAL, CHRISTIAN.

I THINK YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

HEH!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MEN IN THIS WORLD

WOULD GIVE THEIR RIGHT NUT FOR MY PROBLEM?

TOO MUCH SEX IS AS STRONG AN INDICATION

OF INTIMACY PROBLEMS AS TOO LITTLE.

I'VE GIVEN YOU THE INFORMATION.

NOW WHAT YOU DO WITH IT IS UP TO YOU.

DR. SANTIAGO, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD CONSIDER

HAVING YOUR OWN ORGASM EVERY NOW AND THEN

SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE THROUGH MINE.

Sean: HEY.

HEY.

LISTEN, I'VE BEEN GIVING IT A LOT OF THOUGHT, AND...

I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE THE BABY.

I HAVE TOO, SEAN, BEEN GIVING IT A LOT OF THOUGHT.

COME ON, JULES.

I THINK IT'LL BE GOOD FOR US.

US?

YEAH. JUST WHAT WE NEED.

HEH!

I'M NOT SURE YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED, SEAN.

I LIKE BEING BACK AT SCHOOL.

WHEN AM I GONNA TAKE THE MCATs, WHEN I'M 50?

WHO'S STOPPING YOU?

YOU'RE ALWAYS WORKING.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT TAKES TO RAISE A CHILD.

THE ENERGY, THE PATIENCE,

HOW MUCH OF YOURSELF YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT AGAIN.

I'LL STAY HOME.

I'LL TAKE OFF AS MUCH TIME AS WE NEED.

THERE'S NO REASON FOR YOU

TO GIVE UP BEING A DOCTOR

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

HEH!

YOU'LL STAY HOME?

DON'T SAY IT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT.

I HAVE NO INTENTION OF MISSING OUT

THIS TIME AROUND.

HMM HMM!

MACALLAN 18?

YOU KNOW YOUR SCOTCH.

I KNOW MY SCOTCH DRINKERS.

HEH HEH!

YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?

SHELLY EDWARDS.

I CAME INTO YOUR OFFICE A COUPLE YEARS AGO

TO HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHIN' DONE

IN EXCHANGE FOR YOU HAVING

A LITTLE SOMETHIN' DONE.

HEH! WE HAD AN AWFULLY GOOD TIME...

UNTIL I MADE THE FATAL MISTAKE

OF ASKING IF YOU HAD ANY FEELINGS FOR ME.

EYES, CHIN.

ESPECIALLY NICE JOB ON THE JAW LINE.

SHELLY EDWARDS, OF COURSE.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

UNDERNEATH THE RUINS?

SO...

THINK YOU COULD FRESHEN ME UP?

SAME ARRANGEMENT?

I DON'T THINK SO.

RAISED YOUR PRICES?

NO. PRICES ARE THE SAME.

THE CURRENCY'S--

CHANGED.

HEH!

IT'S LATE.

I'VE GOT SURGERY TOMORROW.

REMEMBER MY DAUGHTER?

17 NOW.

LOOKS JUST LIKE I USED TO.

NOT A MARK ON HER, TIGHT AS A DRUM.

YOU EVER HAVE A MOTHER-DAUGHTER,

CHRISTIAN?

YOU CAN HAVE BOTH OF US, BABY.

2 FOR 1.

HEY!

I KNOW JUST HOW YOU LIKE IT.

I'LL SHOW HER.

[MAN SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Group: SERENITY TO STOMACH

THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,

COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,

AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

HI, I'M GINA.

Group: HI, GINA.

BEFORE WE BEGIN, I'D JUST LIKE TO ASK

IF THERE ARE ANY NEW PEOPLE HERE,

COULD YOU PLEASE RAISE YOUR HANDS?

I LEFT HALFWAY THROUGH MY FIRST TIME HERE, TOO.

THEN I WENT OUT AND GOT LAID.

I WAS CONSIDERING THAT,

BUT I HAVE SURGERY IN THE MORNING.

OH, BOY.

THEY MUST CREAM THEIR PANTIES

WHEN THEY HEAR THAT.

THEY DO.

HOWEVER, IT'S FREQUENTLY THE TRUTH.

SO, HOW'S IT USUALLY GO? GIRL MEETS SURGEON,

SURGEON BANGS GIRL,

SURGEON HAS GREAT EXCUSE TO LEAVE BEFORE DAWN?

AM I CLOSE?

WE GO TO MY PLACE, AND I GIVE HER CAB FARE.

OH, A GENTLEMAN! NICE.

SO, HOW MANY WOMEN

HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH IN THE LAST YEAR?

LIKE YOU SAID, I'M A GENTLEMAN.

HMM.

HOW ABOUT IN THE LAST MONTH?

I'LL GO HOME AND COUNT THE NOTCHES

ON MY BEDPOST.

LAST WEEK?

I BET YOU'RE SEARCHING

FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.

THE ONE WHO'S HOTTER AND SMARTER AND BETTER

THAN THE ONE YOU'RE WITH.

YOU'RE GOOD.

SINCE I STARTED WORKING THE PROGRAM,

THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

I DON'T GO HOME WITH ANYONE

WHO REINFORCES MY LOW SELF IMAGE,

AND I DON'T BLOW ANYONE OFF

JUST BECAUSE HE HAS THE BAD TASTE

TO ACTUALLY LIKE ME.

I'VE GONE 8 MONTHS WITHOUT A ONE-NIGHTER.

HERE'S MY NUMBER.

YOU WANT A SPONSOR, GIVE ME A CALL.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

WANT TO GO FOR A DRINK...

SPONSOR?

A PLASTIC SURGEON.

PERFECT.

GOD, I MUST HAVE WANTED YOU

TO SEE MY FLAWS AND FIND ME REPULSIVE.

SHIT!

I DON'T FIND YOU REPULSIVE.

I JUST SAID WE CAN DO SOMETHING

ABOUT YOUR STRETCH MARKS.

8 MONTHS OF MEETINGS,

MY LIFE WAS FINALLY UNDER CONTROL.

HA HA!

UNDER WHO'S CONTROL?

THE ANONYMOUS SEX CRAZED SYCOPHANTS

WHO MEET ONCE A WEEK

TO GROUP THINK THEIR WAY OUT OF DESPERATION?

WELL, DOCTOR, I WOULD NOT EXPECT YOU

TO BELIEVE IN A HIGHER POWER.

YOU ALREADY THINK YOU'RE GOD.

HERE.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

CAB FARE.

YOU'RE THROWING ME OUT?

I REALLY DO HAVE SURGERY IN 4 HOURS.

IF I DON'T GET SOME SLEEP,

I COULD WIND UP

SCARRING SOMEONE FOR LIFE.

WHAT, AND YOU'RE NOT SCARRING ME FOR LIFE?

NO, FORGET IT. I AM NOT LEAVING.

I HAVE TOO MUCH SELF RESPECT FOR THAT.

THAT'S IT. COME ON.

COME ON!

TIME TO 12-STEP YOUR WAY OUT OF HERE.

YOU ARE A NARCISSISTIC

BASTARD, YOU KNOW THAT?

HEY, YOU WANT THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN WHAT YOU CAN AND CAN'T CHANGE?

HERE'S STEP 13.

EVERYTHING DISAPPEARS.

LOVE, TREES, ROCKS, STEEL,

PLASTIC, HUMAN BEINGS.

NONE OF US GET OUT ALIVE.

NOW YOU CAN HUDDLE IN A GROUP

AND FACE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME,

OR YOU CAN BE GRATEFUL

THAT WHEN YOUR BODY RUBS AGAINST SOMEBODY ELSE'S

IT EXPLODES WITH ENOUGH PLEASURE

TO MAKE YOU FORGET EVEN FOR A MINUTE

THAT YOU'RE ONLY A WALKING PILE OF ASHES.

NOW, THAT IS THE TRUTH.

IF YOU'RE STRONG, IT'LL MAKE YOU FREE.

IF YOU'RE WEAK, IT'LL MAKE YOU...YOU.

YOU STILL GOT MY NUMBER, RIGHT?

JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU

THAT THE WORK YOU DID YESTERDAY

ON THAT CLEFT PALATE DIDN'T SUCK.

FLATTERER.

AND JULIA AND I HAVE DECIDED TO HAVE THE BABY.

HEY, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU GUYS WANT THEN...

CONGRATULATIONS.

AND I WANT TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF

FOR PATERNITY LEAVE.

AT LEAST 3 MONTHS.

WE'LL HIRE SOMEBODY.

WELL...

PLASTIC SURGEONS AREN'T YOUR STANDARD OFFICE TEMPS.

YOU CAN'T JUST PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER SAYING,

"MUST TYPE 70 WORDS A MINUTE

AND DO MAMMOPLASTY."

I'M GONNA MAKE THIS WORK, CHRISTIAN.

I'M SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

I'LL DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO MINIMIZE IT.

I'D LOVE TO FEEL THAT YOU'RE BEHIND MY DOING IT,

BUT EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT, I'M DOING IT ANYWAY.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[WHISPERS] Shit.

[MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

SHIT!

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

HER JAW WON'T OPEN FAR ENOUGH.

I CAN'T SEE HER CORDS.

MAYBE SHE BROKE IT.

I HAVE TO INTUBATE HER FIBER OPTICALLY.

Liz: I GOT IT.

NOSE, NOSE, ANYTHING GOES.

THANK YOU, NURSE.

VERY GRITTY.

SCAR TISSUE, LOTS OF IT.

Liz: SHE'S A GUSHER.

THERE SHOULDN'T BE THAT MUCH BLOOD.

DR. SANTIAGO, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SUED FOR MALPRACTICE?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I HAVEN'T.

OF COURSE NOT, THAT WOULD BE SILLY,

LIKE SUING A WITCH DOCTOR

FOR A SPELL THAT DIDN'T WORK.

GOOD NIGHT, DOCTOR.

WE HIRED YOU TO WEED OUT THE SICKOS

BECAUSE WE THOUGHT YOU HAD SOME

PROFESSIONAL INSIGHT,

BUT WHEN THE BIG ONE CAME ALONG,

IT SLIPPED BY YOU JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ELLIE COLLINS.

SHE WAS NEVER IN AN ACCIDENT.

Doctor: THERE, THAT'S WHERE THE TROUBLE IS, RIGHT THERE.

I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I DIDN'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM

WITH MATT OR ANNIE.

Doctor: WE DON'T KNOW WHY IT HAPPENS, JULIA.

YOUR AGE MAY BE A FACTOR.

YOU'VE HAD 2 KIDS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO LOOK

AND I'M A DOCTOR, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

HERE.

YOU CAN'T SEE THE EMBRYO.

IT'S STILL TOO EARLY.

MY INCOMPETENT CERVIX.

THAT FITS.

NOW, IT'S NOTHING TO BE TOO ALARMED ABOUT.

WHAT'S USUALLY DONE IN THIS SITUATION

IS SOMETHING CALLED A CERCLAGE.

I PLACE A STITCH AROUND THE CERVIX

TO REINFORCE IT SO IT WON'T WEAKEN AND DILATE

UNDER THE WEIGHT OF YOUR GROWING BABY.

BECAUSE WE COULD MISCARRY.

Doctor: THAT, OR HAVE A PREMATURE RUPTURE

OF THE FETAL MEMBRANES,

POSSIBLY PRE-TERM DELIVERY.

OK. GOOD.

THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO THEN.

A CERCLAGE.

Doctor: I WOULD, HOWEVER,

STRONGLY RECOMMEND BED REST,

BOTH BEFORE THE PROCEDURE AND AFTER

UNTIL YOU ARE FULL TERM.

HOW MUCH BED REST?

Doctor: MODIFIED. I LIKE TO PLAY IT SAFE.

YOU CAN SIT UP FOR MEALS,

SHOWER EVERY FEW DAYS,

BATHROOM PRIVILEGES,

BUT TRY TO AVOID TOO MUCH WALKING,

OR LIFTING, OR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

I DON'T THINK I CAN STAY IN BED FOR 7 MONTHS.

Doctor: YOU WOULD BE AMAZED WHAT YOU CAN DO

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING BADLY ENOUGH.

SO MY EX-FRIEND HERE,

I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR 10 YEARS.

I'VE KNOW HIM FROM SCHOOL AND SPORTS.

OK, TAKE-OUT MENUS FOR WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY

AND MORE CATALOGUES

FOR WHEN YOU'RE BORED AND WANT TO SHOP.

MMM. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ENCOURAGING ME

TO SPEND MONEY?

OH, I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

YOU NEVER BUY CLOTHES WHEN YOU PUT ON WEIGHT.

[CHUCKLES]

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT. HERE.

THE BED REST CHAT ROOM SAYS

IT'S THE BEST THING FOR BOREDOM.

AH! A GAMEBOY.

OH, HONEY, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

[CHUCKLES]

BATTERIES INCLUDED.

CALL ME IF NEED ANYTHING.

Woman on TV: NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT THE FIGHT WAS ABOUT, GREG.

GREG, THAT'S NOT WHAT THE FIGHT WAS ABOUT.

Judge Mathis: I CARE.

Woman: OK, ANYWAYS--

SO LET'S ANSWER THAT. DID YOU SLEEP WITH HIM?

NO, I DIDN'T. OK.

HEY, I GOT YOU SOME TAKE-OUT.

OH...HONEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS.

IT'S SWEET OF YOU, BUT--

IT'S CHICKEN AND VEGETABLES WITH A TON OF GARLIC.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BOOST YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM.

I'M NOT SICK, MATT. I'M PREGNANT.

WHEN I ASKED FOR ONE OF THESE, DAD SAID NO.

I GOT THIS WHOLE LECTURE ABOUT

HOW I WAS ONLY USING 1/10 OF MY BRAIN.

Julia: LIKE THEY SAY,

A BRAIN IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE.

WHAT ABOUT YOURS?

A SON'S BRAIN.

APPARENTLY A WIFE'S IS JUST EXCESS BAGGAGE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THIS AGAIN.

WHAT?

HAVING A BABY YOU DON'T WANT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "AGAIN?"

[SIGHS]

MAYBE IF YOU HADN'T GOTTEN PREGNANT WITH ME,

YOU'D BE A DOCTOR TODAY.

I HAVE NEVER REGRETTED HAVING YOU OR ANNIE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

THERE IS NOT A DEGREE IN THE WHOLE WORLD

THAT WOULD MAKE ME HALF AS PROUD.

AND ONCE THE BABY'S BORN--

YOU'LL GO BACK TO SCHOOL?

ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU SAID AFTER I WAS BORN?

AFTER ANNIE?

THIS BABY'S NOT ABOUT YOU, MATT.

IS IT ABOUT YOU?

DO YOU EVEN WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER KID?

OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO HAVE ANOTHER REASON

WHY YOU CAN'T GO AFTER WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?

[CLEARS THROAT]

HOW DOES IT LOOK?

IT'LL BE FINE, ELLIE,

CONSIDERING THERE'S PRACTICALLY

NOTHING LEFT OF THE SEPTUM,

AND EVIDENCE THAT THE CARTILAGE

HAS BEEN OPERATED ON PREVIOUSLY.

Grace: WE'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU, ELLIE,

BEFORE YOUR HUSBAND GETS HERE

IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT?

IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT, WAS IT?

DAVE DID IT.

YOU JUST SAID IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

TO PROTECT HIM.

NO.

IT WON'T STOP UNLESS

YOU WANT IT TO STOP, ELLIE.

AND YOU HAVE TO KNOW HE'S LYING

WHEN HE PROMISES

IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

Dave: WHAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN?

MR. COLLINS, VISITING HOURS

AREN'T FOR ANOTHER 15 MINUTES.

IF YOU COULD WAIT OUTSIDE?

DOES YOUR ACCIDENT INSURANCE

COVER WIFE BEATING, MR. COLLINS?

IS THAT WHAT YOU TOLD THEM?

WELL, SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO.

THE INSIDE OF HER FACE LOOKS LIKE A PATCH QUILT.

DID YOU BREAK HER NOSE, MR. COLLINS?

YES.

WELL, YOU BOUGHT HER FLOWERS, SO I GUESS YOU'RE EVEN.

I'M GOING TO NEED TO TALK TO YOU BOTH.

WE'RE REQUIRED TO FILE A REPORT.

I MADE HIM DO IT.

ELLIE, BATTERED WIVES ARE OFTEN MADE TO FEEL

AS IF THEY'VE HAD IT COMING.

NO, I FORCED HIM TO BREAK MY NOSE.

YOU NEVER WOULD'VE FIXED IT IF YOU HAD KNOWN

ABOUT THE OTHER OPERATIONS.

YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST LIKE

ALL THE OTHER DOCTORS WHO HAD SAID

I'D DONE ENOUGH TO MY FACE,

THAT IT LOOKED FINE.

BUT IT DIDN'T.

MY NOSE WAS HIDEOUS!

LIKE SOME SORT OF FREAK.

SHE BEGGED ME TO BREAK IT,

AND TELL YOU THAT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

THAT WAY YOU'D DO THE OPERATION

WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

I DIDN'T WANT TO, BUT SHE SWORE...

NO MORE SURGERIES AFTER THIS.

I LOVE ELLIE.

WATCHING HER SUFFER...

HATING HERSELF THAT WAY...

I COULDN'T STAND IT.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO STOP THE PAIN.

[BONE CRACKS]

ARE YOU GONNA REPORT US?

Dave: WHAT'S MY CRIME?

LOVING HER TOO MUCH?

TIME. PENCILS DOWN.

PASS YOUR TESTS TO THE AISLE.

HEY, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE.

EVERYTHING OK?

YEAH, I'VE BEEN A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER,

BUT I WASN'T GONNA MISS THE MIDTERM.

WELL, GOOD.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE WITHOUT YOU.

OHH.

IT'S TRUE.

I ACTUALLY HAD TO PAY ATTENTION

IN THE LECTURE.

MY GOD, THIS SHIT IS BORING.

WHY IS BECOMING A DOCTOR SO TEDIOUS

WHEN PLAYING DOCTOR WAS SO MUCH FUN?

OH.

YOU OK? UM...

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?

YES. WHY? UM...

CAN YOU TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL?

SURE. LET ME GET THAT.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?

IT WILL BE.

YOU'RE MEETING SOMEONE?

MM-HMM.

AND HE'S KEEPING YOU WAITING?

HE MUST HAVE BALLS.

HE CALLED.

AND, YES, HE'S GOT MAJOR LEAGUE BALLS.

I CAN TAKE HIM.

CAN I BUY YOU ANOTHER DRINK?

NOW, THAT WOULD BE POINTLESS, DR. TROY,

SINCE YOU'RE THE REASON I'M DRINKING.

CALL ME CHRISTIAN.

HAVEN'T WE SEEN ENOUGH

OF EACH OTHER FOR ONE DAY?

HOW MANY OF THOSE HAVE YOU HAD?

WELL, APPARENTLY NOT ENOUGH.

I CAN STILL SEE YOU.

[CHUCKLES]

PLEASE, GO AWAY.

LOOK...

I BLAMED YOU FOR ELLIE

BECAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

FOR MY OWN NEGLIGENCE.

I WAS AN ASSHOLE AND...

I'M SORRY.

DAMN IT.

WHAT?

NO WITNESSES.

IT'S LIKE A UFO SIGHTING.

IT HAPPENED CLEAR AS DAY,

BUT NO ONE WILL BELIEVE IT.

IT'S ALL IN THE DELIVERY.

DID YOU BELIEVE THAT CRAP

COLLINS SAID ABOUT LOVING ELLIE

SO MUCH THAT HE HAD TO STOP HER PAIN?

I BELIEVE HE BELIEVES IT.

SO YOU THINK THAT WAS WHAT, LOVE?

THEY HAVE A CONNECTION.

THEY SHOW EACH OTHER THE DARKEST PARTS OF THEMSELVES

WITHOUT FEARING THE OTHER WILL RUN SCREAMING FOR THE HILLS.

BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH PSYCHO.

I GUESS.

STILL, IT'S A KIND OF SHARING

MOST PEOPLE WON'T EXPERIENCE

IN A LIFETIME.

[CLEARS THROAT]

OH, IT GETS OLD, DOESN'T IT?

LOOKING FOR THAT PERSON?

YES, IT DOES.

IT GETS ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTING.

[BOTH MOANING]

[GASPING]

OH! [GASPS] OH!

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

I'LL NOTIFY THE BED REST CHAT ROOM

TO TAKE THIS OFF THEIR ANTI-BOREDOM LIST.

IT WAS VERY SWEET.

REALLY.

WELL, RONALD WILL BE DISAPPOINTED.

WHO?

THE GUY I WAS INTERVIEWING

TO TAKE OVER DURING MY PATERNITY LEAVE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE REALLY CONSIDERING THAT.

YES, JULIA, I WAS REALLY CONSIDERING THAT.

I WAS ACTUALLY PUTTING YOU AHEAD

OF MY CAREER.

I KNOW. YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT

FOR THE PAST 16 YEARS.

IT'S NOT WHAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE.

YOU MADE THAT PRETTY CLEAR.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, SEAN!

DO YOU THINK I TOOK THE MIDTERM

HOPING I'D MISCARRY?

YOU KNEW THE RISKS.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE

WHOSE LOST A BABY, SEAN.

BUT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTED ONE.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN CALL ME

TO TAKE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

YOU ASKED THAT KID.

HE WAS THERE, THAT WAS ALL.

THE TRUTH IS, JULIA, YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME--

US--ENOUGH TO EVEN TRY.

IT WAS TOO MUCH OF A SACRIFICE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING, SEAN.

BUT IF YOU THINK THAT BY HAVING A CHILD

WE CAN MAKE ALL OUR REAL PROBLEMS GO AWAY,

THEN MAYBE WE ARE BETTER OFF.

YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE RELIEVED?

AREN'T YOU JUST A LITTLE?

OR IS IT EASIER TO LIVE IN DENIAL AND VILIFY ME?

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[RINGING]

Sean: IT'S THE OFFICE.

HELLO?

Nurse: DR. McNAMARA, I HAVE A CALL FOR YOU.

IT'S LEIGH MORIATA.

YES, PUT HER THROUGH.

Sean: MISS MORIATA, THIS IS DR. McNAMARA.

DR. McNAMARA, I'M CALLING YOU

FROM MY ENGAGEMENT PARTY.

WELL, UH, CONGRATULATIONS.

I'M GLAD YOUR MOTHER WAS CONVINCED.

SHE DIDN'T BUY IT FOR A MINUTE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

BUT SHE COULD SEE THAT ANY GUY

WHO WAS WILLING TO CHANGE HIS FACE

TO PLEASE HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW,

THE MAN MUST REALLY LOVE ME.

IF INVITE YOU TO THE WEDDING,

WOULD YOU COME?

OF COURSE, IF I CAN.

THANKS FOR TELLING ME.

I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

* MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL *

* LIE *