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1
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♪ You're coming on like
you're my best friend ♪
2
00:00:21,576 --> 00:00:24,657
♪ Why don't you take a listen round ♪
3
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,856
♪ If your thoughts don't make a sound ♪
4
00:00:31,594 --> 00:00:34,958
♪ If you're gonna make a run boy ♪
5
00:00:34,959 --> 00:00:39,126
♪ Better make it fast ♪
6
00:00:40,069 --> 00:00:41,020
Hey, you!
7
00:00:41,021 --> 00:00:42,503
Hey, pull over!
8
00:00:48,383 --> 00:00:49,716
Pull over now!
9
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:57,867
♪ Out of control ♪
10
00:00:57,868 --> 00:01:01,451
♪ LA PD ♪
11
00:01:03,949 --> 00:01:07,352
♪ Along the streets of your city ♪
12
00:01:07,353 --> 00:01:10,936
♪ LA PD ♪
13
00:01:13,896 --> 00:01:15,244
Are you crazy?
14
00:01:20,930 --> 00:01:23,513
Oh, I see, alright forget it.
15
00:01:26,141 --> 00:01:27,724
I lost my pencil.
16
00:01:31,607 --> 00:01:33,378
Oh, I'm sorry.
17
00:01:33,379 --> 00:01:36,629
Well, first of all your trunk was open.
18
00:01:42,419 --> 00:01:44,864
Do you want to come back here a minute?
19
00:01:44,865 --> 00:01:45,859
No.
20
00:01:45,859 --> 00:01:46,724
Please.
21
00:01:54,822 --> 00:01:55,725
Problem?
22
00:01:55,726 --> 00:01:58,136
I think it's a little obvious, don't you?
23
00:01:58,137 --> 00:02:00,046
Look, your latch is broken.
24
00:02:00,047 --> 00:02:01,902
That's why the trunk won't close.
25
00:02:01,903 --> 00:02:03,517
See, it's all inside here.
26
00:02:03,518 --> 00:02:06,486
All the tumblers are busted.
27
00:02:08,493 --> 00:02:09,579
I'm sorry.
28
00:02:09,580 --> 00:02:13,937
And these things are all
sticking out, Look at that.
29
00:02:13,938 --> 00:02:15,306
And this here.
30
00:02:15,307 --> 00:02:16,140
Here we go.
31
00:02:23,627 --> 00:02:25,377
I'm sorry, alright.
32
00:02:27,227 --> 00:02:28,871
Well, you should be.
33
00:02:28,872 --> 00:02:30,796
Now, are you also aware
34
00:02:30,797 --> 00:02:33,464
that you made an illegal U-turn?
35
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:48,463
That makes sense.
36
00:02:48,464 --> 00:02:50,038
Well, I'm gonna have to give
you a warning anyway now.
37
00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:52,706
May I see your driver's license?
38
00:02:56,824 --> 00:02:58,062
Okay, okay, okay.
39
00:02:58,063 --> 00:02:59,330
That makes sense too.
40
00:02:59,331 --> 00:03:00,868
Well, what about your
ownership papers on the car?
41
00:03:00,869 --> 00:03:02,877
You have those with you?
42
00:03:07,565 --> 00:03:09,285
Alright, okay, okay that makes sense.
43
00:03:09,286 --> 00:03:11,450
Well, I'm gonna have to
give you a citation anyway.
44
00:03:11,451 --> 00:03:12,784
Sign right here.
45
00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:15,010
Alright.
46
00:03:19,891 --> 00:03:23,603
Mr. Capricorn, okay, well, there you go.
47
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,452
Let me get you back in the car now.
48
00:03:25,453 --> 00:03:26,372
Watch your head.
49
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:27,693
Watch your head!
50
00:03:27,694 --> 00:03:28,655
There we go.
51
00:03:30,042 --> 00:03:31,458
Hey, and drive carefully.
52
00:03:31,459 --> 00:03:33,776
Those kids on the road could be yours.
53
00:03:33,777 --> 00:03:34,694
Why's that?
54
00:03:43,347 --> 00:03:45,866
♪ You're coming on like
you're my best friend ♪
55
00:03:45,867 --> 00:03:47,628
♪ Your thoughts don't make a sound ♪
56
00:03:47,629 --> 00:03:52,559
♪ Why don't you change
your way of thinking ♪
57
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,907
♪ If you're gonna make a run, boy ♪
58
00:03:55,908 --> 00:03:59,312
♪ Better make it fast ♪
59
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:05,607
♪ Better make it last ♪
60
00:04:06,670 --> 00:04:07,972
Ah, my heart!
61
00:04:07,973 --> 00:04:09,056
My heart, ah!
62
00:04:19,410 --> 00:04:21,056
Oh, shit!
63
00:04:21,057 --> 00:04:22,664
I got me a wallet!
64
00:04:22,665 --> 00:04:24,402
We eat tonight!
65
00:04:24,403 --> 00:04:25,653
Hey, hold it!
66
00:04:26,536 --> 00:04:27,913
What's the matter here?
67
00:04:27,914 --> 00:04:29,153
You dropped your wallet.
68
00:04:29,154 --> 00:04:31,634
Oh, thank you, keep in touch.
69
00:04:31,635 --> 00:04:32,635
Hey, Tyrone!
70
00:04:35,638 --> 00:04:37,433
Cootchie coo!
71
00:04:41,203 --> 00:04:42,036
Ooh!
72
00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:49,538
Eww!
73
00:05:01,016 --> 00:05:02,016
Oh no, no!
74
00:05:07,281 --> 00:05:09,017
Hey, bud, your fly's down.
75
00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:10,695
Oh, yeah, hey so is yours.
76
00:05:10,696 --> 00:05:11,989
Yeah, thanks.
77
00:05:14,596 --> 00:05:16,110
♪ LA PD ♪
78
00:05:16,111 --> 00:05:19,158
♪ You're running out of control ♪
79
00:05:19,159 --> 00:05:20,879
♪ LA PD ♪
80
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,990
♪ Police ran out of control ♪
81
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:27,097
♪ LA PD ♪
82
00:05:27,098 --> 00:05:27,931
Ouch!
83
00:05:34,806 --> 00:05:35,640
Hey, come on buddy.
84
00:05:35,641 --> 00:05:36,736
You gotta move, come on.
85
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:37,836
Come on, let's go.
86
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,665
Hey, come on, you're not allowed
to sleep in the park now.
87
00:05:39,666 --> 00:05:40,740
Let's go, buddy!
88
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,003
Hey, pal, come on!
89
00:05:42,004 --> 00:05:43,212
Hey, you okay?
90
00:05:43,213 --> 00:05:44,536
Buddy, come on!
91
00:05:44,537 --> 00:05:45,370
Oh shit!
92
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,441
Oh, my god he...
93
00:05:47,442 --> 00:05:48,275
Let me...
94
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:51,584
Oh, gosh.
95
00:06:12,363 --> 00:06:14,030
Hey, thanks buddy!
96
00:06:19,812 --> 00:06:22,245
Alright, come on kids!
97
00:06:22,246 --> 00:06:23,859
Follow over here, let's go!
98
00:06:23,860 --> 00:06:25,319
Come on, let's go!
99
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,359
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
100
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,236
Mister, I found your gun!
101
00:06:29,237 --> 00:06:30,836
Alright, get over there!
102
00:06:30,837 --> 00:06:31,951
Come here, sweetheart.
103
00:06:31,952 --> 00:06:33,433
Come on!
104
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:34,653
Come here!
105
00:06:34,654 --> 00:06:35,487
No!
106
00:06:36,785 --> 00:06:38,456
Come one sweetheart, darling.
107
00:06:38,457 --> 00:06:39,940
Let's go, come on, we have to go!
108
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:41,717
Honey, come on!
109
00:06:41,718 --> 00:06:43,795
Come on, you have to
come across the street.
110
00:06:43,796 --> 00:06:44,958
Ow!
111
00:06:44,959 --> 00:06:46,050
No, no!
112
00:06:46,051 --> 00:06:47,600
Come on, sweetie.
113
00:06:47,601 --> 00:06:48,434
Ouch!
114
00:06:48,435 --> 00:06:50,009
Ooh, ow!
115
00:06:51,261 --> 00:06:52,729
Ooh, sheesh!
116
00:06:54,064 --> 00:06:55,204
Come on, let's go!
117
00:06:55,205 --> 00:06:56,038
Come here!
118
00:06:57,138 --> 00:06:57,971
Come here!
119
00:07:01,592 --> 00:07:03,223
Now, give me that apple
and get out of here.
120
00:07:03,224 --> 00:07:04,085
Go ahead.
121
00:07:04,086 --> 00:07:05,692
I don't want you on my property!
122
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:06,759
Get out of here! Beat it!
123
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,927
Alright, leave me alone!
124
00:07:18,014 --> 00:07:21,487
Hey, hey, I sure would like
to get into your underwear.
125
00:07:21,488 --> 00:07:23,855
Yeah, well I already got
an asshole in my underwear
126
00:07:23,856 --> 00:07:25,431
and I don't need another one!
127
00:07:25,432 --> 00:07:26,432
So get lost!
128
00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:33,763
Thanks for getting me
out of jail last week.
129
00:07:35,404 --> 00:07:36,247
What do you do?
130
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:37,234
I'm an actor.
131
00:07:37,235 --> 00:07:38,394
Where do you work?
132
00:07:38,395 --> 00:07:42,117
I work with Paramount
all day and Fox all night.
133
00:07:42,118 --> 00:07:44,785
Two for one sale, two for one.
134
00:07:53,238 --> 00:07:55,040
Hey, what's going on down there?
135
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:56,710
Hey, you guys can't do that!
136
00:07:56,711 --> 00:07:59,123
Hey, you guys are in a lot of trouble now!
137
00:08:04,446 --> 00:08:07,353
This is no good, you're
all in a lot of trouble!
138
00:08:14,498 --> 00:08:16,496
I've got ten bucks on
you get back in there.
139
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:18,642
Come on, get back in
there and get him you bitch!
140
00:08:18,643 --> 00:08:19,675
Get it!
141
00:08:19,676 --> 00:08:21,895
Keep it down and keep it dirty.
142
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:30,742
Better not catch any of you here again!
143
00:08:30,743 --> 00:08:31,826
You got that!
144
00:08:40,923 --> 00:08:42,454
I been coming here
everyday for three months.
145
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:45,872
That's probably why your wife left you.
146
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:53,999
Excuse me, miss, you
shouldn't be in this line.
147
00:08:56,638 --> 00:08:58,996
♪ LA PD ♪
148
00:09:01,051 --> 00:09:02,625
Five thirty nine, man in trouble
149
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:06,793
at 1545 Venice Drive, code 17,
victim shot 15 times in head,
150
00:09:08,655 --> 00:09:10,238
says he needs help.
151
00:09:11,319 --> 00:09:13,180
All cars in the Hollywood area,
152
00:09:13,181 --> 00:09:14,729
counterfeit bills being circulated,
153
00:09:14,730 --> 00:09:17,175
be careful in accepting bribes.
154
00:09:17,176 --> 00:09:20,111
Car 63, report immediately
to First Savings
155
00:09:20,112 --> 00:09:23,508
at Second Avenue and Third
Street in the fourth precinct.
156
00:09:23,509 --> 00:09:26,404
Five hold-up men have six
employees and seven customers.
157
00:09:26,405 --> 00:09:30,888
There's a bomb set to
go off in eight seconds
158
00:09:30,889 --> 00:09:32,361
and you are about nine blocks away.
159
00:09:33,659 --> 00:09:35,103
Car 63, nevermind!
160
00:09:35,104 --> 00:09:37,021
Car 86, come in please.
161
00:09:42,367 --> 00:09:44,369
Car 86, where are you?
162
00:09:50,479 --> 00:09:51,912
Car 86 reporting.
163
00:09:51,913 --> 00:09:53,727
Captain Lewis wants you
164
00:09:53,728 --> 00:09:55,448
to report to his office immediately.
165
00:09:55,449 --> 00:09:58,134
Roger, ten four and out.
166
00:09:58,135 --> 00:09:59,494
Ooh!
167
00:09:59,495 --> 00:10:03,245
I said now,
Ken, the girl can wait!
168
00:10:04,447 --> 00:10:06,317
This coffee is great, Sue.
169
00:10:06,318 --> 00:10:07,369
Oh, hi, Melvin!
170
00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:08,387
How are you?
171
00:10:08,388 --> 00:10:09,883
Fine, except I'm a little late.
172
00:10:09,884 --> 00:10:12,364
Yes, you're late with your
appointment for Captain Lewis,
173
00:10:12,365 --> 00:10:13,251
but it's okay.
174
00:10:13,252 --> 00:10:14,517
I covered for you.
175
00:10:14,518 --> 00:10:15,475
Oh, thanks.
176
00:10:15,476 --> 00:10:17,045
I told him you slept in.
177
00:10:17,046 --> 00:10:18,471
Is Captain Lewis upset?
178
00:10:18,472 --> 00:10:19,349
No.
179
00:10:19,349 --> 00:10:20,182
Good.
180
00:10:20,183 --> 00:10:21,519
He's furious.
181
00:10:24,473 --> 00:10:26,266
Maybe I should come
back when he's not busy.
182
00:10:26,267 --> 00:10:27,364
Oh, no, no, no!
183
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,093
I told him I'd send you in
as soon as you got here.
184
00:10:29,094 --> 00:10:31,513
But it's okay, his bark is
a lot worse than his bite.
185
00:10:33,414 --> 00:10:35,178
Here, you can finish
the rest of this, okay?
186
00:10:35,179 --> 00:10:36,012
Okay.
187
00:10:37,085 --> 00:10:39,440
I've been hearing that you
tell people that I tell lies!
188
00:10:39,441 --> 00:10:40,952
Oh, you heard wrong, sir.
189
00:10:40,953 --> 00:10:42,021
I heard what wrong?
190
00:10:42,022 --> 00:10:43,968
That what you heard about me
telling people you tell lies,
191
00:10:43,969 --> 00:10:45,005
you heard wrong.
192
00:10:45,006 --> 00:10:46,641
What I heard about people
telling lies you heard wrong?
193
00:10:46,642 --> 00:10:47,601
What?
194
00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:48,551
Well, what you heard
195
00:10:48,552 --> 00:10:50,499
about me telling people you
tell lies you heard wrong, sir!
196
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:52,363
That's why you're getting a promotion.
197
00:10:52,364 --> 00:10:53,681
You mean I'll be getting
198
00:10:53,682 --> 00:10:55,195
that desk job I've been wanting, sir?
199
00:10:56,116 --> 00:10:57,335
Even better, even better.
200
00:10:58,582 --> 00:11:01,609
You're gonna be getting night patrol.
201
00:11:01,610 --> 00:11:03,144
Night patrol, sir?
202
00:11:03,145 --> 00:11:05,575
And with it you get a car
and a partner and a raise.
203
00:11:06,496 --> 00:11:08,324
A car, a partner, and a raise, sir?
204
00:11:08,325 --> 00:11:09,656
I said you get a car and a partner.
205
00:11:09,657 --> 00:11:11,506
I didn't say anything
about a raise, did I?
206
00:11:11,507 --> 00:11:13,572
No, sir, nothing about
a raise, nothing sir!
207
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,139
Now I want you to meet your new partner.
208
00:11:15,140 --> 00:11:17,752
He's from a new precinct.
209
00:11:17,753 --> 00:11:21,067
Miss Perman, is Kent Lane here yet?
210
00:11:21,068 --> 00:11:22,539
Yes, he is sir!
211
00:11:22,540 --> 00:11:23,844
Yes he is sir, what?
212
00:11:23,845 --> 00:11:25,265
Yes, he is sir, sir!
213
00:11:25,266 --> 00:11:26,233
Good.
214
00:11:26,234 --> 00:11:27,798
Send him in!
215
00:11:32,967 --> 00:11:35,106
Patrolman Kent Lane reporting, sir.
216
00:11:35,107 --> 00:11:37,580
Oh, I see you met Miss Perman.
217
00:11:37,581 --> 00:11:40,250
Yes, Sue Perman and I
are old friends, aren't we?
218
00:11:40,251 --> 00:11:42,275
Yes, I've known you since
you were a clerk, Kent.
219
00:11:43,326 --> 00:11:44,759
Well, I'm your Captain Lewis, Lane
220
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,700
and this is your new
partner, Melvin White.
221
00:11:46,701 --> 00:11:47,938
How do you do?
222
00:11:47,939 --> 00:11:50,757
And has Sue already made
out our schedules, sir?
223
00:11:50,758 --> 00:11:53,375
No, no, but she will plan it daily.
224
00:11:53,376 --> 00:11:57,024
Yes, I will and, sir, will
you be holding inspection
225
00:11:57,025 --> 00:11:58,336
this evening, sir?
226
00:11:58,337 --> 00:11:59,278
Nah, nah.
227
00:11:59,279 --> 00:12:01,217
I don't want anymore of that crap tonight.
228
00:12:02,052 --> 00:12:04,003
Sir, please don't use those words.
229
00:12:04,004 --> 00:12:05,185
Crap tonight?
230
00:12:06,150 --> 00:12:08,706
What's the matter, Sue Perman?
231
00:12:08,707 --> 00:12:11,315
My language a little too rough for you?
232
00:12:12,681 --> 00:12:14,058
Crap tonight, crap tonight!
233
00:12:15,117 --> 00:12:18,678
Sir, those words make
me feel weak and helpless.
234
00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:21,078
Alright, I want you two go
and get a good night's sleep
235
00:12:21,079 --> 00:12:23,695
and be back here for
inspection at six o'clock.
236
00:12:24,723 --> 00:12:27,460
The inspection is generally
at five o'clock, sir.
237
00:12:27,461 --> 00:12:29,224
Are you calling me a liar too?
238
00:12:29,225 --> 00:12:31,325
No, then inspection will be at six.
239
00:12:31,326 --> 00:12:34,022
No, I said the inspection
is at five o'clock!
240
00:12:34,023 --> 00:12:35,590
Now, dismissed!
241
00:12:35,591 --> 00:12:36,996
So inspection's at six, sir?
242
00:12:36,997 --> 00:12:37,988
Right!
243
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,234
You'll never guess
what happened to me, Sue.
244
00:12:43,235 --> 00:12:44,601
You got a promotion, fancy new partner,
245
00:12:44,602 --> 00:12:45,435
and you got a car.
246
00:12:45,436 --> 00:12:46,953
How did you know?
247
00:12:46,954 --> 00:12:49,032
Let's just say a little bird told me.
248
00:12:50,899 --> 00:12:52,615
But he didn't get a raise.
249
00:12:52,616 --> 00:12:54,034
Aw, no raise!
250
00:12:54,035 --> 00:12:55,901
That's too bad.
251
00:12:55,902 --> 00:12:57,778
But you know, Melvin,
the way you treat people
252
00:12:57,779 --> 00:12:59,412
with love and respect...
253
00:12:59,413 --> 00:13:00,752
What I was really
hoping for was a desk job
254
00:13:00,753 --> 00:13:02,796
that would keep my evenings free.
255
00:13:02,797 --> 00:13:04,685
What's the matter that you
don't wanna work at night?
256
00:13:04,686 --> 00:13:06,995
You're not moonlighting, are ya?
257
00:13:06,996 --> 00:13:08,738
Somebody moonlighting?
258
00:13:08,739 --> 00:13:10,032
No, no, Captain!
259
00:13:10,033 --> 00:13:11,155
Are you calling me a liar?
260
00:13:11,156 --> 00:13:12,689
No, sir!
261
00:13:12,690 --> 00:13:14,899
You see I'm working on
this novel about police work
262
00:13:14,900 --> 00:13:16,419
and I work much better in the evenings.
263
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:17,937
You see, I went to night school.
264
00:13:17,938 --> 00:13:19,624
Melvin, I hope that you finish it
265
00:13:19,625 --> 00:13:21,523
'cause you're such a wonderful human being
266
00:13:21,524 --> 00:13:23,462
and a sincere person.
267
00:13:23,463 --> 00:13:25,500
You know, you're either
a fool or you're stupid.
268
00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:27,332
That girl back there really likes you.
269
00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:28,379
Sue likes me?
270
00:13:28,380 --> 00:13:29,445
I don't think so.
271
00:13:29,446 --> 00:13:30,447
Sure she does.
272
00:13:30,448 --> 00:13:33,031
It's written all over her face.
273
00:13:34,362 --> 00:13:35,744
I notice that whenever she's around you,
274
00:13:35,745 --> 00:13:37,367
can't keep her eyes off you.
275
00:13:37,368 --> 00:13:39,949
Not even to look at me,
which is incredible.
276
00:13:39,950 --> 00:13:43,412
For a while I though she
was some sort of a dyke.
277
00:13:43,413 --> 00:13:45,041
You know what you ought to do?
278
00:13:45,042 --> 00:13:47,160
You ought to jump on officer Judy.
279
00:13:47,161 --> 00:13:48,698
Officer Judy, you mean with...
280
00:13:48,699 --> 00:13:50,560
Yeah, I was with her all last night.
281
00:13:50,561 --> 00:13:51,471
Oh yeah?
282
00:13:51,472 --> 00:13:53,308
Fucked her brains out.
283
00:13:53,309 --> 00:13:55,589
Here she comes now.
284
00:13:56,984 --> 00:13:58,618
Hi, Judy!
285
00:13:58,619 --> 00:13:59,584
It's gonna be okay.
286
00:13:59,585 --> 00:14:00,688
It's gonna be alright.
287
00:14:00,689 --> 00:14:02,101
You don't have a thing to worry about.
288
00:14:02,102 --> 00:14:03,432
I've got new evidence.
289
00:14:03,433 --> 00:14:05,113
We're gonna get you a new trial.
290
00:14:05,114 --> 00:14:06,457
I'm gonna get you a new deal.
291
00:14:06,458 --> 00:14:07,776
Judge is a friend of mine.
292
00:14:07,777 --> 00:14:11,512
Meantime, if you get the
chance, try to escape.
293
00:14:11,513 --> 00:14:12,430
Let's go!
294
00:14:15,577 --> 00:14:17,436
Alright, you guys,
prepare for inspection!
295
00:14:17,437 --> 00:14:18,270
Attention!
296
00:14:26,635 --> 00:14:28,790
Alright, officers.
297
00:14:28,791 --> 00:14:30,645
I want to clean up this city.
298
00:14:31,928 --> 00:14:33,479
Prostitution is running rampant.
299
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,782
And I want to drive every
hooker out of this town.
300
00:14:40,517 --> 00:14:43,714
Now, I want you to be extra
careful for the next 24 hours
301
00:14:43,715 --> 00:14:45,273
because I'm leaving town
302
00:14:45,274 --> 00:14:48,107
and I'm going to a police
convention in Las Vegas.
303
00:14:49,475 --> 00:14:50,655
Officers seven and nine?
304
00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:52,552
Yes, sir!
305
00:14:52,553 --> 00:14:54,037
Take the Hollywood area.
306
00:14:54,038 --> 00:14:54,871
Yes, sir!
307
00:14:54,871 --> 00:14:55,704
Officers three and five?
308
00:14:55,704 --> 00:14:56,537
Yes, sir!
309
00:14:56,537 --> 00:14:57,370
Chinatown.
310
00:14:57,370 --> 00:14:58,203
Yes, sir!
311
00:14:58,204 --> 00:14:59,347
Officers two and six?
312
00:14:59,348 --> 00:15:00,696
Yes, sir!
313
00:15:00,697 --> 00:15:01,544
The beach.
314
00:15:01,545 --> 00:15:02,779
Yes, sir!
315
00:15:02,780 --> 00:15:04,502
And officers four and one?
316
00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:06,841
Officers four and one?
317
00:15:08,169 --> 00:15:09,857
Always want to go there, I
don't like it there anymore.
318
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:11,970
Are you one?
319
00:15:11,971 --> 00:15:13,151
Ooh, yes, I'm one.
320
00:15:13,152 --> 00:15:14,129
Are you one too?
321
00:15:14,963 --> 00:15:16,847
Well, if you're one,
then you must be four.
322
00:15:16,848 --> 00:15:18,485
I'm for whatever he's for.
323
00:15:18,486 --> 00:15:19,881
Thank you!
324
00:15:21,615 --> 00:15:23,605
Alright, you guys take the park.
325
00:15:23,606 --> 00:15:25,795
Ooh, that means we
get to wear our dresses!
326
00:15:25,796 --> 00:15:27,178
I'll wear my Bob Mackie.
327
00:15:27,179 --> 00:15:28,416
You would!
328
00:15:28,417 --> 00:15:30,179
And don't wear your chiffon
329
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:31,839
because it just doesn't match your eyes.
330
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:32,959
He's right.
331
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,026
And be sure you catch
the purse snatcher.
332
00:15:35,027 --> 00:15:37,096
Ooh, we almost caught him in
a park just the other night.
333
00:15:37,097 --> 00:15:38,508
But he gave us the slip.
334
00:15:38,509 --> 00:15:41,107
And then we followed
him all the way downtown.
335
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:42,698
And again he gave us the slip!
336
00:15:42,699 --> 00:15:43,907
That's right.
337
00:15:43,908 --> 00:15:44,809
He gave me a blue slip.
338
00:15:44,810 --> 00:15:45,910
What color was your slip?
339
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:46,987
Mine was chartreuse.
340
00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,353
Ooh, take my breath away!
341
00:15:49,354 --> 00:15:50,852
Dismissed!
342
00:15:50,853 --> 00:15:52,683
Now go get 'em tigers!
343
00:15:52,684 --> 00:15:53,736
♪ LA PD ♪
344
00:15:53,737 --> 00:15:56,528
♪ You're out of control ♪
345
00:15:56,529 --> 00:15:58,284
♪ LA PD ♪
346
00:16:09,499 --> 00:16:12,133
Okay, Melvin, I want
you to cover for me.
347
00:16:12,134 --> 00:16:15,730
Wait, so any chance of
you lettin' me go out there
348
00:16:15,731 --> 00:16:17,843
and you cover for me?
349
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:18,910
Are you crazy?
350
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:20,972
You're just a rookie.
351
00:16:20,973 --> 00:16:23,698
I've been doing night
patrol now for ten years.
352
00:16:23,699 --> 00:16:25,214
Just keep your eyes peeled.
353
00:16:25,215 --> 00:16:26,463
But I'll be a rookie all my life
354
00:16:26,464 --> 00:16:27,482
unless you give me a chance!
355
00:16:27,483 --> 00:16:28,611
Now, look, I know I can do it.
356
00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:29,945
You gotta trust me, please!
357
00:16:29,946 --> 00:16:31,050
Just this one time.
358
00:16:31,051 --> 00:16:32,514
Okay.
359
00:16:32,515 --> 00:16:33,581
Great, you won't be sorry.
360
00:16:33,582 --> 00:16:34,543
I swear!
361
00:16:34,544 --> 00:16:35,610
Be careful.
362
00:16:35,611 --> 00:16:36,444
I will.
363
00:16:36,445 --> 00:16:39,357
You'll be proud of me, okay?
364
00:16:43,058 --> 00:16:45,713
Before I go, let me
get that straight now.
365
00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:48,320
That's two jelly doughnuts,
one glazed, two coffees,
366
00:16:48,321 --> 00:16:50,004
one cream, one without sugar, right?
367
00:16:50,005 --> 00:16:50,838
Right.
368
00:16:50,838 --> 00:16:51,671
Right!
369
00:16:53,635 --> 00:16:55,153
The rough part of town.
370
00:16:55,154 --> 00:16:56,950
Yeah, well you're not kidding.
371
00:16:56,951 --> 00:16:58,446
Look at that over there!
372
00:16:58,447 --> 00:16:59,697
You gotta pull over.
373
00:16:59,698 --> 00:17:00,698
What for?
374
00:17:00,699 --> 00:17:01,780
What for?
375
00:17:01,781 --> 00:17:03,945
That guy's parked in
front of a fire hydrant.
376
00:17:03,946 --> 00:17:04,863
Oh, yeah.
377
00:17:13,215 --> 00:17:14,842
You don't mind me handling this, do ya?
378
00:17:14,843 --> 00:17:15,808
Just be firm.
379
00:17:15,809 --> 00:17:16,975
Okay, great.
380
00:17:29,731 --> 00:17:31,713
Now what are you doing in there?
381
00:17:31,714 --> 00:17:32,828
Necking!
382
00:17:32,829 --> 00:17:34,583
Yeah, well you're
going to have to put your neck
383
00:17:34,584 --> 00:17:36,896
back in your pants and go somewhere else.
384
00:17:36,897 --> 00:17:38,899
Why do you take a fuckin' hike!
385
00:17:46,327 --> 00:17:48,994
Kent, he won't move the truck.
386
00:17:50,092 --> 00:17:52,758
Alright, I'll take care of him.
387
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:07,346
Come on, you.
388
00:18:07,346 --> 00:18:08,179
Get out of there!
389
00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:09,784
I want you to move that truck now.
390
00:18:09,785 --> 00:18:10,625
I mean now!
391
00:18:10,626 --> 00:18:12,784
I said right now!
392
00:18:12,785 --> 00:18:15,618
I'll move, I'll move, I'm going!
393
00:18:20,054 --> 00:18:21,471
Shit, look out!
394
00:18:39,628 --> 00:18:40,945
Oh, shit, comin' back again now!
395
00:18:40,946 --> 00:18:42,013
Get back!
396
00:18:43,402 --> 00:18:44,606
We need some reinforcements!
397
00:18:54,679 --> 00:18:58,757
Hey, Bubba, hit 'im with the tear gas!
398
00:19:10,549 --> 00:19:12,040
Code six, code six!
399
00:19:12,041 --> 00:19:13,907
This is car 86 requesting a back-up unit
400
00:19:13,908 --> 00:19:15,810
as soon as possible.
401
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,758
Let's back into this now!
402
00:19:22,759 --> 00:19:24,537
Where is he?
403
00:19:38,297 --> 00:19:40,128
We've got you completely surrounded.
404
00:19:40,129 --> 00:19:41,699
Drop your weapon!
405
00:19:43,596 --> 00:19:46,097
Oh my god, he's got a kid!
406
00:19:46,098 --> 00:19:47,518
Drop 'im!
407
00:19:52,075 --> 00:19:54,833
Aww, you shot the kid!
408
00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:57,027
Now look what you made me do, you idiot!
409
00:19:57,028 --> 00:19:59,733
You made me hit an innocent bystander!
410
00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:08,566
If I was to blame, I
would admit it, okay.
411
00:20:08,567 --> 00:20:09,984
It's no big deal!
412
00:20:15,363 --> 00:20:17,363
Get out of here, shoo!
413
00:20:21,605 --> 00:20:25,105
Go ahead, go find your own neighborhood.
414
00:20:27,053 --> 00:20:27,886
Thank you.
415
00:20:30,727 --> 00:20:32,630
Hey, Melvin, when you
took over when I slipped
416
00:20:32,631 --> 00:20:34,177
and I fell under the car there like that.
417
00:20:34,178 --> 00:20:35,541
Thank you, Kent.
418
00:20:35,542 --> 00:20:36,530
Thank you.
419
00:20:36,531 --> 00:20:38,535
Melvin, you said he was funny, huh?
420
00:20:38,536 --> 00:20:40,817
How can a bag be funny?
421
00:20:40,818 --> 00:20:42,507
Alright, here's a quick
impression of the first man
422
00:20:42,508 --> 00:20:44,010
to land on the sun.
423
00:20:44,011 --> 00:20:45,512
Ooh, shit!
424
00:20:50,853 --> 00:20:53,103
Just a second, my socks are coming down.
425
00:21:02,748 --> 00:21:05,262
Yes, you're a police
officer during the day,
426
00:21:05,263 --> 00:21:07,644
but at night you put this bag on your head
427
00:21:07,645 --> 00:21:09,104
and tell jokes in nightclubs
428
00:21:09,105 --> 00:21:11,546
because you enjoy making
people laugh, is that right?
429
00:21:11,547 --> 00:21:12,835
Right.
430
00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:14,305
You needed a disguise because
431
00:21:14,306 --> 00:21:16,117
as a police officer you'd lose your job
432
00:21:16,118 --> 00:21:18,320
if they found out you were
moonlighting, is that right?
433
00:21:18,321 --> 00:21:19,530
Uh huh.
434
00:21:19,531 --> 00:21:21,980
Don't you think this
is kind of a cop out?
435
00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:23,345
Hey, that's kind of a good joke.
436
00:21:23,346 --> 00:21:25,060
You could use that in your act.
437
00:21:25,061 --> 00:21:26,319
I'm so confused.
438
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,564
I can't decide whether to quit
show business or police work.
439
00:21:29,565 --> 00:21:32,529
And to make matters worse,
I've fallen in love.
440
00:21:32,530 --> 00:21:35,385
I feel something when
you're here in the office too.
441
00:21:35,386 --> 00:21:38,697
Chemistry I don't feel with
my other male patients.
442
00:21:38,698 --> 00:21:41,219
No, not you, a girl.
443
00:21:41,220 --> 00:21:42,720
She was beautiful.
444
00:21:44,610 --> 00:21:47,826
Somehow I managed to get her attention.
445
00:21:47,827 --> 00:21:49,349
God, you're beautiful!
446
00:21:53,477 --> 00:21:55,048
I got a lot of money here.
447
00:21:55,049 --> 00:21:56,607
I'd like to take you up to my apartment
448
00:21:56,608 --> 00:21:58,006
and show you some of my etchings.
449
00:21:58,007 --> 00:21:59,324
What's your name?
450
00:21:59,325 --> 00:22:00,270
Edith.
451
00:22:00,271 --> 00:22:01,960
Edith what?
452
00:22:01,961 --> 00:22:03,735
Edith Hutton.
453
00:22:03,736 --> 00:22:06,054
How about joining me for a drink?
454
00:22:06,055 --> 00:22:09,035
Well, Edith Hutton says...
455
00:22:10,685 --> 00:22:12,201
Fuck off!
456
00:22:12,202 --> 00:22:13,285
Ow, ow, ow!
457
00:22:42,346 --> 00:22:43,179
Eww!
458
00:22:45,020 --> 00:22:45,916
My balls!
459
00:22:45,916 --> 00:22:46,749
My balls!
460
00:22:50,275 --> 00:22:52,369
My tits are numb too.
461
00:22:52,370 --> 00:22:54,226
A message from Miss Parker.
462
00:22:54,227 --> 00:22:55,817
Thank you.
463
00:23:06,467 --> 00:23:07,310
How ya doin?
464
00:23:07,310 --> 00:23:08,260
I caught your act, kid.
465
00:23:08,260 --> 00:23:09,221
I think you're great!
466
00:23:09,222 --> 00:23:10,542
Listen, my name is Kate Parker.
467
00:23:10,543 --> 00:23:11,827
I'd like to handle you
'cause I think you've got
468
00:23:11,828 --> 00:23:13,264
what it takes to go all the way.
469
00:23:13,265 --> 00:23:14,263
You do?
470
00:23:14,264 --> 00:23:15,590
All you have to do is listen to me.
471
00:23:15,591 --> 00:23:16,816
Some of the biggest comedians
in the business listen to me.
472
00:23:16,817 --> 00:23:17,812
Ever hear of Don Rickles?
473
00:23:17,812 --> 00:23:18,645
No.
474
00:23:18,645 --> 00:23:19,478
He listened to me.
475
00:23:19,478 --> 00:23:20,311
Steve Martin?
476
00:23:20,311 --> 00:23:21,144
No.
477
00:23:21,144 --> 00:23:21,977
He listened to me.
478
00:23:21,977 --> 00:23:22,810
Charles Bronson?
479
00:23:22,810 --> 00:23:23,643
I don't think so.
480
00:23:23,644 --> 00:23:24,800
Well, he didn't listen to me.
481
00:23:24,801 --> 00:23:26,486
Look, I can have you on all
the top TV talk shows in town
482
00:23:26,487 --> 00:23:27,942
and have you working
in Vegas in six months.
483
00:23:27,943 --> 00:23:29,267
How much did Tex pay you?
484
00:23:29,268 --> 00:23:31,593
He gave me a thousand.
485
00:23:31,594 --> 00:23:32,459
Come on, kid.
486
00:23:32,460 --> 00:23:33,761
He gave you 25 and you're good
487
00:23:33,762 --> 00:23:35,688
so he offered you 35 for next time, right?
488
00:23:35,689 --> 00:23:36,747
How did you know?
489
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:38,289
It's my business to know.
490
00:23:38,290 --> 00:23:39,888
Hey, Tex, come here!
491
00:23:39,889 --> 00:23:40,970
Hi, Tex.
492
00:23:40,971 --> 00:23:42,654
Yeah, Kate.
493
00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:44,688
Listen, sweetie, I think
this kid is super talented
494
00:23:44,689 --> 00:23:46,355
so I'm gonna be bringing a lot of people.
495
00:23:46,356 --> 00:23:47,662
They'll be drinkin' a lot of your booze.
496
00:23:47,663 --> 00:23:51,246
So how about paying
him 50 bucks next time?
497
00:23:52,651 --> 00:23:54,286
Anything for you, babe.
498
00:23:55,648 --> 00:23:57,148
Thanks, Kate!
499
00:23:57,149 --> 00:23:58,731
You know me, Tony Baroni?
500
00:23:58,732 --> 00:24:00,996
Look, I'm lookin' for a manager, you know?
501
00:24:00,997 --> 00:24:03,497
Your acts sucks, get beered.
502
00:24:05,362 --> 00:24:06,784
Maybe you didn't see the face.
503
00:24:06,785 --> 00:24:08,179
That's what it must be right?
504
00:24:08,180 --> 00:24:09,013
Go away!
505
00:24:10,493 --> 00:24:12,267
Anyway, stick with me, kid,
506
00:24:12,268 --> 00:24:15,008
and I'll have ya wearin' a Gucci bag.
507
00:24:15,009 --> 00:24:16,298
Can you believe it, Doc?
508
00:24:16,299 --> 00:24:19,122
I met a gorgeous girl named
Edith and a manager named Kate,
509
00:24:19,123 --> 00:24:20,960
who wants to make me a star.
510
00:24:20,961 --> 00:24:24,019
What do you think will happen next?
511
00:24:24,020 --> 00:24:28,187
I predict that you will
have your Kate and Edith too.
512
00:24:31,873 --> 00:24:33,040
Ahh, yourself!
513
00:24:35,253 --> 00:24:37,197
I have another very important prediction.
514
00:24:37,198 --> 00:24:38,047
Oh yeah?
515
00:24:38,048 --> 00:24:39,395
What is it Doc?
516
00:24:41,494 --> 00:24:43,969
I'm sorry your time's up.
517
00:24:43,970 --> 00:24:45,551
Calling all
cars, calling all cars.
518
00:24:45,552 --> 00:24:48,857
Be on the lookout for anything suspicious.
519
00:24:48,858 --> 00:24:51,040
I'd say we're in for
a rough night tonight.
520
00:24:51,041 --> 00:24:52,262
Yeah, why?
521
00:24:52,263 --> 00:24:55,013
Well, look there's a full moon.
522
00:25:00,491 --> 00:25:02,583
This is the
toughest part of town.
523
00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:06,667
We have gangs, pimps porno
shops, X-rated movies.
524
00:25:08,483 --> 00:25:10,747
Just keep your eyes open
for anything suspicious.
525
00:25:10,748 --> 00:25:11,587
Help!
526
00:25:11,587 --> 00:25:12,420
Help!
527
00:25:12,421 --> 00:25:13,739
Somebody help me!
528
00:25:13,740 --> 00:25:15,772
You ever seen an X-rated movie?
529
00:25:15,773 --> 00:25:17,123
I went one time.
530
00:25:17,124 --> 00:25:19,172
It was really disgusting, though.
531
00:25:19,173 --> 00:25:22,093
Finally left after about 8 hours.
532
00:25:22,094 --> 00:25:25,120
Besides the screen was
beginning to irritate my nose.
533
00:25:30,184 --> 00:25:32,457
Oh, Kent, remember when Captain Lewis
534
00:25:32,458 --> 00:25:35,179
said he was gonna drive all
the prostitutes out of town?
535
00:25:35,180 --> 00:25:36,343
Yeah.
536
00:25:36,344 --> 00:25:38,011
Well, there he is!
537
00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:42,044
And he's driving
a whole bunch of them
538
00:25:42,045 --> 00:25:43,506
out of town right now!
539
00:25:45,711 --> 00:25:47,538
Car 86, robbery in progress
540
00:25:47,539 --> 00:25:51,060
at Sampson Bar and Grill, 155
Johnson Street, code three.
541
00:25:51,061 --> 00:25:52,155
Ten four.
542
00:25:52,156 --> 00:25:54,163
Okay, let's go, let's go!
543
00:25:54,164 --> 00:25:56,027
Let's get out of here.
544
00:26:02,028 --> 00:26:03,195
Nobody here.
545
00:26:04,336 --> 00:26:05,880
I'm gonna go talk to the owner.
546
00:26:05,881 --> 00:26:07,258
You check for witnesses.
547
00:26:07,259 --> 00:26:08,092
Okay.
548
00:26:11,142 --> 00:26:14,160
Oh, Kent, I think I killed
an innocent bystander.
549
00:26:14,161 --> 00:26:16,010
It's alright, calm down.
550
00:26:16,011 --> 00:26:17,869
Just tell us what happened.
551
00:26:20,435 --> 00:26:24,099
He must have gotten away
with over two thousand dollars.
552
00:26:24,100 --> 00:26:27,531
Tuesday night's our big night
with choir practice next door.
553
00:26:27,532 --> 00:26:28,998
Any description?
554
00:26:28,999 --> 00:26:30,697
Write this down, Melvin.
555
00:26:30,698 --> 00:26:32,781
That's no problem.
556
00:26:32,782 --> 00:26:36,949
He was wearing a tan jacket,
brown pants, and judo shoes.
557
00:26:39,491 --> 00:26:43,207
Any distinguishing features
like a tattoo, mustache?
558
00:26:43,208 --> 00:26:44,960
A zit, cold sore?
559
00:26:44,961 --> 00:26:47,579
Oh yeah, there was one more thing.
560
00:26:47,580 --> 00:26:50,081
He was wearing a bag over his head.
561
00:26:53,544 --> 00:26:55,598
Bag over his head.
562
00:26:55,599 --> 00:26:59,183
Yeah, except he had
two holes for his eyes
563
00:26:59,184 --> 00:27:03,351
and one hole for his mouth
and he kept telling jokes!
564
00:27:04,438 --> 00:27:05,503
Jokes!
565
00:27:05,504 --> 00:27:07,272
What kind of jokes?
566
00:27:07,273 --> 00:27:09,691
How do you get a witch pregnant?
567
00:27:09,692 --> 00:27:11,678
I don't know, how do
you make a witch pregnant?
568
00:27:11,679 --> 00:27:12,929
You fuck her.
569
00:27:13,845 --> 00:27:15,181
That's not funny.
570
00:27:15,182 --> 00:27:17,289
I know.
571
00:27:17,290 --> 00:27:18,624
Yes, it is.
572
00:27:18,625 --> 00:27:20,136
Maybe it is, Doc.
573
00:27:20,137 --> 00:27:21,809
Someone's setting me up.
574
00:27:21,810 --> 00:27:23,055
Can you believe it?
575
00:27:23,056 --> 00:27:25,997
Somebody's robbing bars
with a bag on his head.
576
00:27:25,998 --> 00:27:29,287
The police are gonna think it's me.
577
00:27:29,288 --> 00:27:31,300
Do you think your
family didn't like you?
578
00:27:31,301 --> 00:27:32,337
Yes.
579
00:27:32,338 --> 00:27:34,476
When I was a kid, my
mother used to scream at me
580
00:27:34,477 --> 00:27:36,651
because I used to wet the bed.
581
00:27:36,652 --> 00:27:38,554
Well, tomorrow night's your big chance.
582
00:27:38,555 --> 00:27:40,650
And a lot of big bookers will be there.
583
00:27:40,651 --> 00:27:43,028
I hope they won't be hard on me.
584
00:27:44,486 --> 00:27:47,569
So Julia Child has the show on PBS?
585
00:27:49,141 --> 00:27:50,432
This guy sucks!
586
00:27:50,433 --> 00:27:52,195
Thank you, thank you.
587
00:27:52,196 --> 00:27:54,529
It's been swell knowing you.
588
00:27:55,605 --> 00:27:57,836
Her PBS show get cancelled.
589
00:27:59,304 --> 00:28:01,154
Hey, you got five minutes, kid!
590
00:28:01,155 --> 00:28:02,319
No pressure.
591
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:03,453
I mean it, I promise.
592
00:28:03,454 --> 00:28:05,551
No pressure, I really believe in you.
593
00:28:05,552 --> 00:28:07,752
No pressure, don't be nervous.
594
00:28:07,753 --> 00:28:10,148
I have about a million
butterflies in my stomach.
595
00:28:10,149 --> 00:28:11,531
Here, take these.
596
00:28:11,532 --> 00:28:13,002
Mmm, What are they?
597
00:28:13,003 --> 00:28:14,195
Mothballs.
598
00:28:15,216 --> 00:28:17,321
Boy, your career is really on the rise.
599
00:28:17,322 --> 00:28:19,719
We're gonna get into
bumper stickers and posters
600
00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:21,828
and T-shirts, everything!
601
00:28:21,829 --> 00:28:23,438
After tonight, kid,
602
00:28:23,439 --> 00:28:26,749
you're gonna be the most
known unknown comic.
603
00:28:26,750 --> 00:28:28,943
Ooh, you really think so, Kate?
604
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:34,693
Guess who?
605
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:39,862
I don't believe this guy!
606
00:28:39,863 --> 00:28:40,702
He's nuts.
607
00:28:40,703 --> 00:28:42,536
He follows me around all
the time, auditioning for me
608
00:28:42,537 --> 00:28:43,907
and he can't do anything right!
609
00:28:43,908 --> 00:28:45,537
He's a real no talent.
610
00:28:45,538 --> 00:28:47,391
I also do Ed Sullivan!
611
00:28:47,392 --> 00:28:51,283
Hey, we got a great fuckin'
show for you to see tonight.
612
00:28:51,284 --> 00:28:54,170
What do you think of that?
613
00:28:55,662 --> 00:28:57,555
Great audience tonight.
614
00:28:57,556 --> 00:29:01,223
Remember to continue
to be a great audience.
615
00:29:02,078 --> 00:29:04,216
We have a new comedian coming up.
616
00:29:04,217 --> 00:29:06,155
I'm sure you're all gonna love him.
617
00:29:06,156 --> 00:29:08,225
Thank you, once again.
618
00:29:08,226 --> 00:29:11,170
Please welcome the Unknown Comic!
619
00:29:15,767 --> 00:29:16,989
Alright, what a crowd!
620
00:29:16,990 --> 00:29:18,071
What an audience!
621
00:29:18,072 --> 00:29:19,111
Woo hoo!
622
00:29:19,112 --> 00:29:21,351
Okay, I'm telling you, I
just flew in from Las Vegas.
623
00:29:21,352 --> 00:29:24,874
What a bummer, I got airsick
and nobody knew!
624
00:29:24,875 --> 00:29:27,449
Yeah, got me staying
at the Sahara hotel.
625
00:29:27,450 --> 00:29:28,661
What a weird hotel!
626
00:29:28,662 --> 00:29:30,478
I call the desk clerk tell
him I got a leak in my sink.
627
00:29:30,479 --> 00:29:33,859
He said go ahead.
628
00:29:33,860 --> 00:29:35,517
Yeah, things have been
pretty good, though.
629
00:29:35,518 --> 00:29:37,428
I just moved into an
apartment over a bank,
630
00:29:37,429 --> 00:29:38,912
which is great 'cause now my ass sets
631
00:29:38,913 --> 00:29:41,500
over ten million dollars!
632
00:29:41,501 --> 00:29:44,150
Boy, you people have amazing control!
633
00:29:44,151 --> 00:29:45,536
Yeah, I got a joke for you
634
00:29:45,537 --> 00:29:47,701
that's gonna make your boobies fall off.
635
00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:49,569
Oh, you already heard it.
636
00:29:51,486 --> 00:29:52,478
I'm just kidding.
637
00:29:52,479 --> 00:29:54,307
Actually, I can make
your boobies seem larger.
638
00:29:54,308 --> 00:29:55,993
I have small hands.
639
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,027
What do you call a nurse
with dirt on her knees?
640
00:29:59,028 --> 00:30:00,515
A head nurse.
641
00:30:02,124 --> 00:30:03,760
Why does a dog lick his groin?
642
00:30:03,761 --> 00:30:05,257
'Cause he can!
643
00:30:08,090 --> 00:30:10,504
Why is pubic hair curly?
644
00:30:10,505 --> 00:30:12,456
'Cause it doesn't poke your eyes out.
645
00:30:14,493 --> 00:30:16,707
What do you call a
hundred cows masterbating?
646
00:30:16,708 --> 00:30:17,995
Beef stroganoff!
647
00:30:20,178 --> 00:30:23,329
One more, what has three balls
and comes from outer space?
648
00:30:23,330 --> 00:30:25,187
E.T., the extra testicle!
649
00:30:27,397 --> 00:30:29,395
You know why they spell sex S-E-X?
650
00:30:29,396 --> 00:30:31,784
'Cause you can't spell
651
00:30:33,636 --> 00:30:36,392
Did you hear about the guy
who had herpes in his eyebrows?
652
00:30:36,393 --> 00:30:38,703
The guy was lookin' for love
in all the wrong places!
653
00:30:49,143 --> 00:30:50,976
What's his schedule?
654
00:30:53,195 --> 00:30:56,023
I'll pay whatever you want!
655
00:30:56,024 --> 00:30:58,691
How 'bout a little head later?
656
00:30:59,694 --> 00:31:01,823
Un, I'm made a tape of tonight's show.
657
00:31:01,824 --> 00:31:03,416
I want you to listen to it.
658
00:31:03,417 --> 00:31:05,027
You know, it could be very helpful.
659
00:31:05,028 --> 00:31:06,925
By the way, kid, you were great tonight!
660
00:31:06,926 --> 00:31:08,264
They were all wacked out!
661
00:31:08,265 --> 00:31:12,018
Oh, Kate, it felt like my first orgasm!
662
00:31:12,019 --> 00:31:14,272
Can I have your autograph?
663
00:31:14,273 --> 00:31:16,240
Oh, Edith, it's you!
664
00:31:16,241 --> 00:31:18,286
I believe you owe me a drink.
665
00:31:18,287 --> 00:31:19,372
Right, a drink.
666
00:31:19,373 --> 00:31:21,718
I owe her a drink, Kate.
667
00:31:21,719 --> 00:31:23,516
Listen, I've got some big deals to make.
668
00:31:23,517 --> 00:31:24,693
I'll talk to you later.
669
00:31:24,694 --> 00:31:26,766
By the way, just remember
love comes and goes,
670
00:31:26,767 --> 00:31:29,597
but herpes last forever.
671
00:31:29,598 --> 00:31:31,051
Hey, wait a moment!
672
00:31:31,052 --> 00:31:33,214
Bartender, one beer
and two glasses, okay?
673
00:31:33,215 --> 00:31:35,046
And make sure my glass is clean.
674
00:31:35,047 --> 00:31:36,681
You know, beer makes you smarter?
675
00:31:36,682 --> 00:31:37,542
Really?
676
00:31:37,543 --> 00:31:38,912
It made Bud wiser.
677
00:31:38,913 --> 00:31:41,259
Alright, which one of you
two ordered the clean glass?
678
00:31:41,260 --> 00:31:42,470
I did.
679
00:31:42,471 --> 00:31:43,485
Here.
680
00:31:43,486 --> 00:31:46,153
I like my beer in a glass too.
681
00:31:47,108 --> 00:31:49,217
I've got a cucumber I'd like to show you.
682
00:31:49,218 --> 00:31:51,479
I have a bag of tricks
I'd like to show you myself.
683
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:52,954
Ooh, my motor's running!
684
00:31:52,955 --> 00:31:53,872
Oh really?
685
00:31:53,873 --> 00:31:55,135
Let's go to my place
686
00:31:55,136 --> 00:31:57,263
and I'll put anchovies and
cream cheese on your body
687
00:31:57,264 --> 00:31:58,238
and lick it off.
688
00:31:58,239 --> 00:31:59,512
I can't right now.
689
00:31:59,513 --> 00:32:00,536
Okay just anchovies.
690
00:32:00,537 --> 00:32:02,163
Well, you see I'm sort of with someone.
691
00:32:02,164 --> 00:32:03,273
He might just pop up.
692
00:32:03,274 --> 00:32:05,323
I'm popping up right now.
693
00:32:05,324 --> 00:32:06,954
And I would love you to clamp your teeth
694
00:32:06,955 --> 00:32:08,551
on my zipper and pull it down.
695
00:32:08,552 --> 00:32:10,665
I can't, really I have to go.
696
00:32:10,666 --> 00:32:12,394
What about your phone number?
697
00:32:12,395 --> 00:32:13,645
Are you into phone sex?
698
00:32:13,646 --> 00:32:14,810
I don't have a phone.
699
00:32:14,811 --> 00:32:16,530
Can I drive you home?
700
00:32:16,531 --> 00:32:17,815
My car's right outside.
701
00:32:17,816 --> 00:32:19,150
What about a kiss?
702
00:32:19,151 --> 00:32:22,082
Lock your lips on my love muscle.
703
00:32:31,891 --> 00:32:33,003
And don't forget me!
704
00:32:33,004 --> 00:32:34,773
I'll never forget you, uh uh...
705
00:32:34,774 --> 00:32:35,607
Edith!
706
00:32:35,608 --> 00:32:37,713
Edith, right, Edith.
707
00:32:37,714 --> 00:32:39,105
Bartender, write that down.
708
00:32:39,106 --> 00:32:40,106
E-D-E-E-T-H.
709
00:32:44,897 --> 00:32:46,007
Oh, I guess you guys heard
710
00:32:46,008 --> 00:32:47,712
that the bag man robbed another bar today!
711
00:32:47,713 --> 00:32:49,326
Boy, Captain Lewis is really determined
712
00:32:49,327 --> 00:32:50,940
to find out who did it.
713
00:32:50,941 --> 00:32:53,662
Oh, he's no more determined
than I am, believe me.
714
00:32:53,663 --> 00:32:56,004
Oh, Melvin, Captain Lewis
also received a report
715
00:32:56,005 --> 00:32:57,704
that there's an unknown comedian
716
00:32:57,705 --> 00:32:59,211
who wears a bag on his
head, who's gonna be playing
717
00:32:59,212 --> 00:33:01,777
at the Magic and Comedy Club this weekend.
718
00:33:01,778 --> 00:33:05,945
He's gonna send out a detail
to investigate the suspect.
719
00:33:06,865 --> 00:33:09,180
Do you think there's any
chance that you can work it out
720
00:33:09,181 --> 00:33:12,181
so Kent and I can go on that detail?
721
00:33:13,018 --> 00:33:14,518
It's in the bag.
722
00:33:15,433 --> 00:33:17,144
The bag man robbed another bar!
723
00:33:17,145 --> 00:33:18,853
The Meat Market Saloon on Powell Street!
724
00:33:18,854 --> 00:33:20,647
Now get Kent and get over there right now!
725
00:33:20,648 --> 00:33:21,631
Yes, sir!
726
00:33:21,632 --> 00:33:22,937
Kent, you better finish
filing those reports later,
727
00:33:22,938 --> 00:33:24,470
we gotta go!
728
00:33:24,471 --> 00:33:26,003
The Meat Market Saloon on Powell Street!
729
00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:27,269
Yes sir, yes sir!
730
00:33:27,270 --> 00:33:28,415
Hey what's going on?
731
00:33:28,416 --> 00:33:30,431
Bag man robbed another
bar over on Powell street.
732
00:33:30,432 --> 00:33:32,168
No, no, Meat Market
Saloon's on Mounthill.
733
00:33:32,169 --> 00:33:34,635
Why did the Captain say
it's on Powell street?
734
00:33:34,636 --> 00:33:37,231
He was lying.
735
00:33:37,232 --> 00:33:39,373
Is somebody calling me a liar?
736
00:33:39,374 --> 00:33:40,957
No, no, no!
737
00:33:48,332 --> 00:33:49,824
Meat Market Saloon, huh?
738
00:33:49,825 --> 00:33:53,108
This must be a country and western bar.
739
00:33:55,048 --> 00:33:56,776
I don't think so.
740
00:33:56,777 --> 00:33:58,286
Your face or mine?
741
00:33:58,287 --> 00:33:59,561
Your face.
742
00:33:59,562 --> 00:34:00,979
Ow, not so rough!
743
00:34:03,019 --> 00:34:06,388
Hey, it's about time you pigs got here!
744
00:34:06,389 --> 00:34:07,483
Calm down now,
745
00:34:07,484 --> 00:34:09,732
nobody gets anything done
when they're excited.
746
00:34:09,733 --> 00:34:12,700
Who are you telling not to get excited?
747
00:34:12,701 --> 00:34:14,211
Back off, back off!
748
00:34:14,212 --> 00:34:17,770
He just get excited when
he sees beautiful women.
749
00:34:20,260 --> 00:34:21,944
Who runs this place anyway?
750
00:34:21,945 --> 00:34:25,185
I own the bar and if we
catch that sucker who robbed us
751
00:34:25,186 --> 00:34:28,606
we're gonna turn that bag
inside out, pluck his eyes out,
752
00:34:28,607 --> 00:34:31,371
stab him, shoot him, and then
tear him into little pieces
753
00:34:31,372 --> 00:34:33,598
and then see how funny he is.
754
00:34:33,599 --> 00:34:35,282
How much money did he get?
755
00:34:35,283 --> 00:34:36,514
Money's not important.
756
00:34:36,515 --> 00:34:38,385
All he got was a lousy 50 bucks!
757
00:34:38,386 --> 00:34:41,051
It was the jokes that he told.
758
00:34:41,052 --> 00:34:42,295
What jokes?
759
00:34:42,296 --> 00:34:43,670
Well he asked us
760
00:34:43,671 --> 00:34:47,838
if our favorite TV program
was The Dyke Van Dick show.
761
00:34:49,734 --> 00:34:52,951
Pretty funny.
762
00:34:52,952 --> 00:34:54,369
Not that funny.
763
00:34:56,720 --> 00:34:57,553
Uh-oh.
764
00:34:59,808 --> 00:35:01,580
No, that is a bad joke.
765
00:35:01,581 --> 00:35:03,619
That bad guy better hope
766
00:35:03,620 --> 00:35:07,823
that you get him before we
get him 'cause if we get him
767
00:35:07,824 --> 00:35:10,864
we're gonna rip his dick off!
768
00:35:10,865 --> 00:35:12,885
And then we're gonna bounce
his balls on the ground
769
00:35:12,886 --> 00:35:14,284
so hard that they land on the moon
770
00:35:14,285 --> 00:35:16,389
and feed what's left to the goldfish.
771
00:35:16,390 --> 00:35:17,390
Now get out!
772
00:35:20,662 --> 00:35:23,412
I love it when they dominate.
773
00:35:23,413 --> 00:35:25,047
A tough place huh?
774
00:35:25,048 --> 00:35:26,651
Tough, wanna see tough?
775
00:35:26,652 --> 00:35:28,326
See that pool table over there?
776
00:35:28,327 --> 00:35:29,160
Yeah.
777
00:35:30,168 --> 00:35:31,418
Got no balls.
778
00:35:37,059 --> 00:35:41,370
Boy those were some pretty
scary gu... girls weren't they?
779
00:35:41,371 --> 00:35:43,627
You know that call gave me a real boner.
780
00:35:43,628 --> 00:35:44,786
A what?
781
00:35:44,787 --> 00:35:47,068
Boner, you know, boner.
782
00:35:47,069 --> 00:35:48,486
What's a boner?
783
00:35:49,881 --> 00:35:51,214
Well it's a...
784
00:35:52,673 --> 00:35:56,360
Well, it's a, like a fish,
you know you debone a fish.
785
00:35:56,361 --> 00:35:58,084
Oh, speaking of boners, I'm starved.
786
00:35:58,085 --> 00:35:59,980
What do you say we get something to eat?
787
00:35:59,981 --> 00:36:01,019
We can't eat now,
788
00:36:01,020 --> 00:36:03,063
we got about ten more
minutes on this shift.
789
00:36:03,064 --> 00:36:05,662
Here why don't you just
finish off this chocolate bar.
790
00:36:05,663 --> 00:36:07,008
You don't mind?
791
00:36:07,009 --> 00:36:08,259
No, go ahead.
792
00:36:12,972 --> 00:36:14,791
Hey, Kent, haven't seen you for a while.
793
00:36:14,792 --> 00:36:16,023
Why haven't you called?
794
00:36:16,024 --> 00:36:17,434
Babe, I been a little busy.
795
00:36:17,435 --> 00:36:19,185
I'll give you a call, don't worry.
796
00:36:19,186 --> 00:36:20,692
I'm gonna go wash my fingers.
797
00:36:20,693 --> 00:36:22,223
I got chocolate all over them.
798
00:36:22,224 --> 00:36:23,156
I'll join you.
799
00:36:23,157 --> 00:36:24,492
Gotta drain my lizard.
800
00:36:24,493 --> 00:36:25,326
What?
801
00:36:25,326 --> 00:36:26,159
My lizard.
802
00:36:26,159 --> 00:36:27,035
What's that?
803
00:36:27,036 --> 00:36:28,692
It's like a horned toad.
804
00:36:32,053 --> 00:36:34,381
See this machine here,
sells these little rubbers,
805
00:36:34,382 --> 00:36:35,992
says for the prevention of disease.
806
00:36:35,993 --> 00:36:37,760
Don't believe it, I wore
one for three weeks.
807
00:36:37,761 --> 00:36:38,761
I got mumps.
808
00:36:39,891 --> 00:36:44,230
Oh no, I got water all
over the front of my pants!
809
00:36:44,231 --> 00:36:45,825
Use the blow dryer over there.
810
00:36:45,826 --> 00:36:48,791
I can't go out there like this.
811
00:36:48,792 --> 00:36:50,792
Give me a hand, will ya?
812
00:37:07,667 --> 00:37:11,834
We better get out of here
before we get arrested.
813
00:37:13,002 --> 00:37:14,010
Some menus.
814
00:37:14,011 --> 00:37:14,844
Okay.
815
00:37:16,469 --> 00:37:18,975
What'll you have?
816
00:37:18,976 --> 00:37:20,058
How much is coffee?
817
00:37:20,059 --> 00:37:21,374
Thirty cents.
818
00:37:21,375 --> 00:37:22,377
Okay, a refill.
819
00:37:22,378 --> 00:37:23,739
Refills are free.
820
00:37:23,740 --> 00:37:26,811
Okay, give me a refill
and a slice of garlic cake.
821
00:37:26,812 --> 00:37:28,792
Okay, and you?
822
00:37:28,793 --> 00:37:31,594
I think I'm gonna have
the steak dinner, okay.
823
00:37:31,595 --> 00:37:32,559
Soup or salad?
824
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,058
What kind of soup you got?
825
00:37:34,059 --> 00:37:35,106
Cream of washroom.
826
00:37:35,107 --> 00:37:36,678
Cream of washroom sounds good.
827
00:37:36,679 --> 00:37:37,711
I'll have that.
828
00:37:37,712 --> 00:37:39,161
How you want your steak?
829
00:37:39,162 --> 00:37:42,079
As Ronald Reagan would say, well!
830
00:37:46,798 --> 00:37:48,037
Kent!
831
00:37:49,435 --> 00:37:50,873
Thanks so much for last night.
832
00:37:50,874 --> 00:37:52,531
You were marvelous!
833
00:37:52,532 --> 00:37:53,365
Wow!
834
00:37:56,413 --> 00:37:59,478
Listen, Melvin, we been
partners for two weeks now, right?
835
00:37:59,479 --> 00:38:00,665
Yeah.
836
00:38:00,666 --> 00:38:02,427
And I think if we're
gonna work together,
837
00:38:02,428 --> 00:38:04,111
we ought to know each other.
838
00:38:04,112 --> 00:38:05,123
Sure.
839
00:38:05,124 --> 00:38:06,699
I got tons of girlfriends.
840
00:38:06,700 --> 00:38:08,393
You got a lot of girlfriends?
841
00:38:08,394 --> 00:38:09,561
Girls, uh...
842
00:38:10,661 --> 00:38:11,897
You like girls don't you?
843
00:38:11,898 --> 00:38:13,410
Well, yeah, of course I do!
844
00:38:13,411 --> 00:38:14,720
I mean who doesn't.
845
00:38:14,721 --> 00:38:15,638
Name one.
846
00:38:17,796 --> 00:38:19,546
Well, Edith Hutton.
847
00:38:20,493 --> 00:38:22,287
Edith Hutton?
848
00:38:22,288 --> 00:38:24,189
You know her?
849
00:38:24,190 --> 00:38:26,552
Know her, the entire navy know her!
850
00:38:26,553 --> 00:38:27,528
Well, that's nice.
851
00:38:27,529 --> 00:38:29,489
I didn't know she was so patriotic.
852
00:38:29,490 --> 00:38:31,816
Look, when the FBI
looks for fingerprints,
853
00:38:31,817 --> 00:38:34,344
first place they check is her body.
854
00:38:34,345 --> 00:38:35,747
No kidding!
855
00:38:38,427 --> 00:38:42,414
Well, what kind of
girls you usually like?
856
00:38:42,415 --> 00:38:44,970
I like girls that are interested
in the same things I am.
857
00:38:44,971 --> 00:38:46,423
Like what?
858
00:38:46,424 --> 00:38:48,830
Booze and cheap sex.
859
00:38:50,652 --> 00:38:52,905
Let me tell you something, Melvin.
860
00:38:52,906 --> 00:38:56,297
If you're gonna get
married, marry an ugly girl.
861
00:38:56,298 --> 00:38:58,024
Ugly girl, why?
862
00:38:58,025 --> 00:38:59,878
You marry a pretty one,
863
00:38:59,879 --> 00:39:02,936
two weeks later she runs
off with somebody else.
864
00:39:02,937 --> 00:39:05,501
Well, an ugly girl can run away too.
865
00:39:05,502 --> 00:39:08,085
I know, but who gives a shit.
866
00:39:09,022 --> 00:39:11,345
What's your cum doing on my steak?
867
00:39:11,346 --> 00:39:14,745
I didn't want to drop it again.
868
00:39:14,746 --> 00:39:16,975
Look at this, I can't,
this is a dirty knife.
869
00:39:16,976 --> 00:39:17,844
Let's see.
870
00:39:21,996 --> 00:39:23,325
What about my soup?
871
00:39:23,326 --> 00:39:25,089
Oh yeah, soup, shit!
872
00:39:28,071 --> 00:39:30,615
Wow, can you believe this place?
873
00:39:30,616 --> 00:39:31,743
I believe it.
874
00:39:31,744 --> 00:39:33,497
Look here in my coffee, there's a roach.
875
00:39:33,498 --> 00:39:35,642
Hey busboy, look here!
876
00:39:35,643 --> 00:39:37,424
There's a roach in my coffee.
877
00:39:37,425 --> 00:39:40,392
Oh, that's where it went.
878
00:39:40,393 --> 00:39:42,243
Wow, hey thanks man!
879
00:39:45,395 --> 00:39:46,620
Here's your soup.
880
00:39:46,621 --> 00:39:49,234
What's your thumb doing on my soup?
881
00:39:49,235 --> 00:39:50,793
Got an infection on my thumb.
882
00:39:50,794 --> 00:39:52,833
My doctor told me to keep it warm.
883
00:39:52,834 --> 00:39:55,123
Why don't you take it and
shove that thumb up your ass?
884
00:39:55,124 --> 00:39:57,548
I do that when I'm back in the kitchen.
885
00:40:01,028 --> 00:40:02,278
It's not bad.
886
00:40:03,545 --> 00:40:06,655
Calling car 86, car 86 come in.
887
00:40:06,656 --> 00:40:08,185
Yeah, car 86 reporting.
888
00:40:08,186 --> 00:40:10,385
Car 86 go to
alley, back of Blair avenue.
889
00:40:10,386 --> 00:40:12,294
There's a rape victim in need of help.
890
00:40:12,295 --> 00:40:14,500
Respond, code 69.
891
00:40:14,501 --> 00:40:17,001
Roger, we'll be right there.
892
00:40:19,685 --> 00:40:21,683
What the hell, no tip?
893
00:40:21,684 --> 00:40:23,463
Oh, I'm sorry.
894
00:40:34,097 --> 00:40:35,528
There she is, Kent!
895
00:40:35,529 --> 00:40:37,674
Don't worry, dear,
everything's gonna be alright.
896
00:40:37,675 --> 00:40:39,560
We're the police.
897
00:40:39,561 --> 00:40:41,216
Yo!
898
00:40:41,217 --> 00:40:42,050
Sorry!
899
00:40:43,337 --> 00:40:45,454
Oh officers, it was horrible!
900
00:40:45,455 --> 00:40:47,812
There were three of them
and they wouldn't stop.
901
00:40:47,813 --> 00:40:49,534
Three of them, what
were they gang members?
902
00:40:49,535 --> 00:40:51,066
No, they were women.
903
00:40:51,067 --> 00:40:54,641
But they had these guns
and whips and chains.
904
00:40:54,642 --> 00:40:56,101
What did they make you do?
905
00:40:56,102 --> 00:41:01,094
Well, first they made me
pull out my, pull out my...
906
00:41:01,095 --> 00:41:02,800
Well, you know.
907
00:41:02,801 --> 00:41:04,028
Your pee-pee?
908
00:41:04,029 --> 00:41:04,862
Uh-huh.
909
00:41:07,170 --> 00:41:09,232
And then they made me play with it
910
00:41:09,233 --> 00:41:12,066
and pull on it until I, until I...
911
00:41:12,940 --> 00:41:13,932
You know.
912
00:41:13,932 --> 00:41:14,766
Arrived.
913
00:41:14,767 --> 00:41:16,157
Climaxed.
914
00:41:17,832 --> 00:41:19,219
That's all they did?
915
00:41:19,220 --> 00:41:20,321
Is that all?
916
00:41:20,322 --> 00:41:22,655
They made me do it 13 times!
917
00:41:23,723 --> 00:41:26,018
Thirteen times, that's terrible!
918
00:41:26,019 --> 00:41:29,002
The first couple of
times were fine, but...
919
00:41:29,003 --> 00:41:32,256
Oh my god, I can't even walk anymore!
920
00:41:32,257 --> 00:41:34,116
Strangest rape case I ever heard of.
921
00:41:34,117 --> 00:41:35,881
You recognize any of them?
922
00:41:35,882 --> 00:41:37,888
No I couldn't see a thing.
923
00:41:37,889 --> 00:41:39,954
What do you mean you
couldn't see anything?
924
00:41:39,955 --> 00:41:42,978
Well, see I had been
drinking a little bit early on
925
00:41:42,979 --> 00:41:45,099
and I thought I would just come out here
926
00:41:45,100 --> 00:41:46,404
and sort of sleep things off,
927
00:41:46,405 --> 00:41:50,077
but the light from the lamppost
kept getting in my eyes,
928
00:41:50,078 --> 00:41:52,305
so I just kind of put this
paper bag over my head.
929
00:41:55,212 --> 00:41:57,545
Meat Market Saloon.
930
00:42:01,154 --> 00:42:03,043
I would like to start off by handing out
931
00:42:03,044 --> 00:42:04,978
some autographed eight by
ten pictures of myself.
932
00:42:04,979 --> 00:42:06,452
Here we go, alright.
933
00:42:08,208 --> 00:42:10,088
Also, got some pictures of me as a baby!
934
00:42:10,089 --> 00:42:11,361
Here we go!
935
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:12,973
Stop the show, stop the show!
936
00:42:12,974 --> 00:42:15,624
This man's the father of my baby!
937
00:42:15,625 --> 00:42:17,329
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, baby.
938
00:42:17,330 --> 00:42:18,367
You can't prove that!
939
00:42:18,368 --> 00:42:19,833
Oh, yeah!
940
00:42:50,331 --> 00:42:52,245
Sue, well hi!
941
00:42:52,246 --> 00:42:54,002
What are you doing here?
942
00:42:54,003 --> 00:42:55,647
Well, I came to see the show.
943
00:42:55,648 --> 00:42:57,820
Wasn't the Unknown Comic great?
944
00:42:57,821 --> 00:42:59,111
Oh yeah, he was good.
945
00:42:59,112 --> 00:43:00,561
Very good, yeah he was.
946
00:43:00,562 --> 00:43:02,464
Melvin, I didn't see you anywhere.
947
00:43:02,465 --> 00:43:03,944
Where were you?
948
00:43:03,945 --> 00:43:05,072
I was back there.
949
00:43:05,073 --> 00:43:06,418
I was all around the club,
950
00:43:06,419 --> 00:43:08,741
but then I had to come
out here and patrol also.
951
00:43:08,742 --> 00:43:10,653
Melvin, do you think that
maybe the Unknown Comic
952
00:43:10,654 --> 00:43:13,765
and the bag man are
maybe one and the same?
953
00:43:13,766 --> 00:43:15,330
No, in fact I'm sure they're not
954
00:43:15,331 --> 00:43:17,185
because I had a long talk
with the Unknown Comic
955
00:43:17,186 --> 00:43:19,336
before his show and he
can account for every one
956
00:43:19,337 --> 00:43:21,801
of his whereabouts during
the time of the robberies.
957
00:43:21,802 --> 00:43:23,530
Oh, good!
958
00:43:23,531 --> 00:43:25,118
Melvin, I was gonna have a cup of coffee.
959
00:43:25,119 --> 00:43:27,530
You want to maybe come with me?
960
00:43:27,531 --> 00:43:30,493
I'd love to Sue, but
it's a, I'm still on duty
961
00:43:30,494 --> 00:43:32,243
and I have to find Kent,
962
00:43:32,244 --> 00:43:33,795
but sometime we'll get together,
963
00:43:33,796 --> 00:43:36,867
me and you and we'll do our laundry, okay?
964
00:43:36,868 --> 00:43:38,207
Okay.
965
00:43:38,208 --> 00:43:40,212
Alright, I'll see ya.
966
00:43:40,213 --> 00:43:41,374
Bye, Melvin.
967
00:43:41,375 --> 00:43:42,208
Bye!
968
00:43:43,549 --> 00:43:44,945
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
969
00:43:44,946 --> 00:43:47,364
Oh, Melvin, listen great show tonight!
970
00:43:47,365 --> 00:43:48,380
Great, great!
971
00:43:48,381 --> 00:43:50,421
Listen, I got three new club bookings
972
00:43:50,422 --> 00:43:52,436
and then something
really big in the works.
973
00:43:52,437 --> 00:43:53,924
Melvin, you're gonna
have to quit your job.
974
00:43:53,925 --> 00:43:55,274
You're gonna be a big star.
975
00:43:55,275 --> 00:43:56,628
Here's a tape of tonight's show.
976
00:43:56,629 --> 00:43:58,090
Listen to it when you
get a chance, alright?
977
00:43:58,091 --> 00:44:01,007
Why thanks, Kate, what
happened to your face?
978
00:44:01,008 --> 00:44:02,164
That idiot, Baroni.
979
00:44:02,165 --> 00:44:04,328
He can't do anything right, nothing!
980
00:44:04,329 --> 00:44:05,162
Sorry.
981
00:44:06,085 --> 00:44:09,138
Kate, how did you know
I was the Unknown Comic?
982
00:44:09,139 --> 00:44:11,509
It's my business to know my
clients, you know what I mean?
983
00:44:11,510 --> 00:44:12,343
See ya around.
984
00:44:12,344 --> 00:44:13,814
Bye!
985
00:44:13,815 --> 00:44:15,927
Hey, remember me, Toni Baroni?
986
00:44:15,928 --> 00:44:17,224
You wanted a bag?
987
00:44:17,225 --> 00:44:18,463
Here, so I got a bag.
988
00:44:18,464 --> 00:44:20,390
You want jokes, I'll
give ya fucking jokes.
989
00:44:20,391 --> 00:44:22,173
Why'd the monkey fall from the tree?
990
00:44:22,174 --> 00:44:23,831
He was fucking dead, right?
991
00:44:23,832 --> 00:44:24,847
I got all kinds.
992
00:44:24,848 --> 00:44:26,636
What do you call a short stick?
993
00:44:26,637 --> 00:44:28,988
Why do you want from me already?
994
00:44:28,989 --> 00:44:31,095
You guys didn't see another
police officer around did ya?
995
00:44:31,096 --> 00:44:32,837
No, I haven't seen any.
996
00:44:32,838 --> 00:44:34,670
Kent, come on!
997
00:44:34,671 --> 00:44:35,504
Let's go!
998
00:44:37,477 --> 00:44:38,310
Kent!
999
00:44:43,801 --> 00:44:46,051
Where the hell could he be?
1000
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:49,525
Hi, Melvin.
1001
00:44:49,526 --> 00:44:52,109
I was just taking a little nap.
1002
00:44:58,359 --> 00:45:01,308
Yeah, just taking a nap.
1003
00:45:01,309 --> 00:45:02,220
That's it.
1004
00:45:02,221 --> 00:45:03,615
Napping.
1005
00:45:03,616 --> 00:45:04,449
Me too.
1006
00:45:06,761 --> 00:45:10,850
How can anyone take a nap
with all this funny noise?
1007
00:45:14,824 --> 00:45:17,731
So you were a big hit at
the Comedy and Magic club?
1008
00:45:17,732 --> 00:45:19,707
Now your manager has so
many things happening,
1009
00:45:19,708 --> 00:45:21,648
you can give up your job.
1010
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:25,428
You're gonna make a pile of money.
1011
00:45:25,429 --> 00:45:28,128
And you'll move into Beverly Hills.
1012
00:45:28,129 --> 00:45:30,991
Anyplace is better than
the back seat of my car.
1013
00:45:30,992 --> 00:45:32,613
It wasn't that great.
1014
00:45:32,614 --> 00:45:34,348
Edith didn't show.
1015
00:45:34,349 --> 00:45:36,265
And you'll never guess what happened.
1016
00:45:36,266 --> 00:45:38,012
You found out Edith's allergic to paper.
1017
00:45:38,013 --> 00:45:39,673
No, after the show we got this call
1018
00:45:39,674 --> 00:45:42,821
to investigate a peeping tom.
1019
00:45:42,822 --> 00:45:46,035
Hubba, hubba, hubba.
1020
00:45:46,036 --> 00:45:47,984
So we snuck up on the culprit
1021
00:45:47,985 --> 00:45:51,630
and beat the crap out of the fat slob.
1022
00:45:51,631 --> 00:45:55,798
You see, us police are
expertly trained in kung fu.
1023
00:45:56,856 --> 00:45:57,689
Hee ya!
1024
00:46:14,889 --> 00:46:17,620
Anything you say can and
will be held against you.
1025
00:46:17,621 --> 00:46:21,036
Liz Taylor, Michael
Jackson, Richard Simmons.
1026
00:46:21,037 --> 00:46:22,026
Shit!
1027
00:46:22,027 --> 00:46:24,416
How about Boy George?
1028
00:46:24,417 --> 00:46:25,654
Go check on the girl.
1029
00:46:25,655 --> 00:46:27,154
I'll take care of this guy.
1030
00:46:27,155 --> 00:46:28,703
Are you really the police?
1031
00:46:28,704 --> 00:46:30,375
Yes, I am.
1032
00:46:30,376 --> 00:46:33,319
Okay, but you just can't be too sure.
1033
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:34,153
Edith!
1034
00:46:35,094 --> 00:46:36,761
Well, how did you know my name is Edith?
1035
00:46:36,762 --> 00:46:37,916
We never met before.
1036
00:46:37,917 --> 00:46:41,417
You see, my sister's name is Edith
1037
00:46:41,418 --> 00:46:43,668
and you reminded me of her.
1038
00:46:45,672 --> 00:46:48,100
You have no idea how terrified I was.
1039
00:46:48,101 --> 00:46:49,654
It was awful!
1040
00:46:52,871 --> 00:46:56,197
He just kept staring at
me through that window.
1041
00:46:56,198 --> 00:46:57,681
This window here.
1042
00:46:57,682 --> 00:46:58,587
Yes.
1043
00:46:58,588 --> 00:47:00,634
Did he see anything?
1044
00:47:00,635 --> 00:47:02,543
He saw everything.
1045
00:47:02,544 --> 00:47:05,961
Can you describe exactly what happened?
1046
00:47:07,387 --> 00:47:09,338
Well, I was getting ready for bed.
1047
00:47:09,339 --> 00:47:11,695
I was really tired.
1048
00:47:11,696 --> 00:47:14,529
I started to take off my bathrobe.
1049
00:47:21,806 --> 00:47:24,556
And then I took my stockings off.
1050
00:47:28,306 --> 00:47:30,924
And then I remembered I
couldn't wait to get my bra off.
1051
00:47:30,925 --> 00:47:32,425
Oh, feels so good!
1052
00:47:36,222 --> 00:47:38,789
God, I have nice tits!
1053
00:47:38,790 --> 00:47:41,415
Then I got up to take these off.
1054
00:47:41,416 --> 00:47:44,357
That's when I noticed him, that pervert!
1055
00:47:44,358 --> 00:47:47,993
Staring at me through the
window with those binoculars.
1056
00:47:47,994 --> 00:47:50,120
Yeah, well what did he do next?
1057
00:47:50,121 --> 00:47:53,358
I mean can you identify these
here as being the binoculars
1058
00:47:53,359 --> 00:47:55,201
that the pervert was using?
1059
00:47:55,202 --> 00:47:57,007
Yeah, I'm sure.
1060
00:47:57,008 --> 00:47:57,841
Okay.
1061
00:47:58,764 --> 00:48:00,192
Fine.
1062
00:48:00,193 --> 00:48:02,855
God, it makes me so angry!
1063
00:48:02,856 --> 00:48:05,451
Well, you're beautiful
when you're angry.
1064
00:48:05,452 --> 00:48:08,109
God, I don't understand you men.
1065
00:48:08,110 --> 00:48:10,340
It just makes me want to puke!
1066
00:48:10,341 --> 00:48:12,918
What kind of men do you like?
1067
00:48:12,919 --> 00:48:15,252
Are you getting this down?
1068
00:48:17,329 --> 00:48:18,971
Well, I'm dating a nightclub owner.
1069
00:48:18,972 --> 00:48:20,997
His name is Tex.
1070
00:48:20,998 --> 00:48:22,115
Tex?
1071
00:48:22,116 --> 00:48:23,871
You're dating Tex?
1072
00:48:23,872 --> 00:48:25,449
You know Tex?
1073
00:48:25,450 --> 00:48:27,723
No, my brother's name is Tex.
1074
00:48:27,724 --> 00:48:29,164
Well, he's a nice guy.
1075
00:48:29,165 --> 00:48:31,462
He buys nice things, takes me nice places.
1076
00:48:31,463 --> 00:48:33,630
Do you know who I'm really mad about?
1077
00:48:33,631 --> 00:48:34,464
No, who?
1078
00:48:36,007 --> 00:48:37,949
The Unknown Comic.
1079
00:48:37,950 --> 00:48:39,229
He's hot!
1080
00:48:39,230 --> 00:48:43,459
He makes me horny because
he's gonna be rich.
1081
00:48:43,460 --> 00:48:44,966
Does he like you?
1082
00:48:44,967 --> 00:48:46,799
Of course he does, who wouldn't?
1083
00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:49,379
And as soon as I can figure
out what to do with Tex,
1084
00:48:49,380 --> 00:48:52,815
The Unknown Comic will be all mine!
1085
00:48:52,816 --> 00:48:56,881
Well, does Tex know that
you know The Unknown Comic?
1086
00:48:56,882 --> 00:48:58,055
Sure, he does.
1087
00:48:58,056 --> 00:49:00,342
He even bet me a diamond
bracelet I couldn't find out
1088
00:49:00,343 --> 00:49:02,329
what was under that bag.
1089
00:49:02,330 --> 00:49:06,627
But I'm gonna find out what's
under that bag and that bag,
1090
00:49:06,628 --> 00:49:08,961
no matter what I have to do.
1091
00:49:15,726 --> 00:49:16,970
Let go of me!
1092
00:49:16,971 --> 00:49:18,463
I'm gonna kick you in the balls!
1093
00:49:18,464 --> 00:49:20,118
Who do you think you're dealing with?
1094
00:49:20,119 --> 00:49:20,971
Let go of me!
1095
00:49:20,971 --> 00:49:21,961
I want a lawyer!
1096
00:49:21,961 --> 00:49:22,943
I want him now!
1097
00:49:22,943 --> 00:49:23,855
I've got rights!
1098
00:49:23,856 --> 00:49:24,905
You don't know who I am!
1099
00:49:24,906 --> 00:49:26,406
Hey, great buns!
1100
00:49:32,942 --> 00:49:34,154
I'll file a report.
1101
00:49:34,155 --> 00:49:35,668
You book the pervert.
1102
00:49:35,669 --> 00:49:36,744
Alright, Kent.
1103
00:49:36,745 --> 00:49:38,306
Hey, Melvin, what are
you bringing him in for?
1104
00:49:38,307 --> 00:49:39,140
409.
1105
00:49:39,141 --> 00:49:40,860
Shame on you, peeking
through windows like that!
1106
00:49:40,861 --> 00:49:42,036
See anything good?
1107
00:49:42,037 --> 00:49:43,228
I've seen better.
1108
00:49:43,229 --> 00:49:44,951
You wouldn't believe
what this slime did.
1109
00:49:44,952 --> 00:49:46,524
Stabbed his own mother with a BBQ fork.
1110
00:49:46,525 --> 00:49:47,654
Then I tried to put the
cuffs on him, he socks me.
1111
00:49:47,655 --> 00:49:48,940
So I booked him on a 504 and a 316.
1112
00:49:48,941 --> 00:49:49,834
What's that?
1113
00:49:49,835 --> 00:49:52,538
Cop socking and mother forking.
1114
00:49:52,539 --> 00:49:54,313
Hey, Margowitz, what are
you bringing your guy in for?
1115
00:49:54,314 --> 00:49:55,217
604.
1116
00:49:55,217 --> 00:49:56,156
What's that?
1117
00:49:56,157 --> 00:49:58,034
Armed robbery.
1118
00:49:58,035 --> 00:49:58,868
Geez.
1119
00:50:00,085 --> 00:50:02,219
Randy, got another cat burglar, huh?
1120
00:50:10,210 --> 00:50:11,960
Stop or I'll shoot!
1121
00:50:13,146 --> 00:50:15,206
Why do they keep my shoelaces?
1122
00:50:15,207 --> 00:50:16,934
Common procedure when you're booked.
1123
00:50:16,935 --> 00:50:18,623
We don't want anyone hanging themselves.
1124
00:50:18,624 --> 00:50:20,067
You're not going to put me in a cell
1125
00:50:20,068 --> 00:50:23,095
with one of those hardened and
dangerous criminals are you?
1126
00:50:23,096 --> 00:50:24,272
Don't worry about that.
1127
00:50:24,273 --> 00:50:26,164
We'll find you a safe cell.
1128
00:50:26,165 --> 00:50:28,250
Hey, what are you in here for?
1129
00:50:28,251 --> 00:50:32,418
Just because I killed
myself aberrant, a degenerate!
1130
00:50:34,114 --> 00:50:36,966
I killed three of them before they cut me.
1131
00:50:36,967 --> 00:50:39,500
I got one and I broke his fingers
1132
00:50:39,501 --> 00:50:41,332
and squashed his head in a vice.
1133
00:50:41,333 --> 00:50:43,980
And the second one, I
got a three pound chicken
1134
00:50:43,981 --> 00:50:46,148
and I stuffed it in his...
1135
00:50:47,268 --> 00:50:50,978
When I get out of here,
I'm gonna do something!
1136
00:50:50,979 --> 00:50:53,003
Maybe we better find you another cell.
1137
00:50:53,004 --> 00:50:53,837
Why?
1138
00:50:53,838 --> 00:50:55,837
I like him, he was nice.
1139
00:50:57,191 --> 00:50:59,421
Alright, you guys, this
here's a peeping tom.
1140
00:50:59,422 --> 00:51:01,230
Any of you guys object
to that sort of a crime?
1141
00:51:01,231 --> 00:51:02,435
Hell, no.
1142
00:51:02,436 --> 00:51:04,348
Looks like you needed
the excitement, huh?
1143
00:51:04,349 --> 00:51:05,325
See.
1144
00:51:05,326 --> 00:51:06,614
Yeah, they got me in here
1145
00:51:06,615 --> 00:51:08,401
for having sex with a girl under 18.
1146
00:51:08,402 --> 00:51:09,874
There's nothing wrong with that.
1147
00:51:09,875 --> 00:51:11,494
Is there guys?
1148
00:51:11,495 --> 00:51:13,536
No, there's nothing like a
couple of thirteen year olds
1149
00:51:13,537 --> 00:51:14,863
to play with.
1150
00:51:14,864 --> 00:51:19,413
I'm in here for exposing
myself in the park.
1151
00:51:19,414 --> 00:51:22,424
There's nothing wrong with
that, is there fellas?
1152
00:51:22,425 --> 00:51:23,457
Hell, no.
1153
00:51:23,458 --> 00:51:25,566
You were just giving them a treat.
1154
00:51:25,567 --> 00:51:27,422
Sounds like fun to me.
1155
00:51:27,423 --> 00:51:29,613
They got me here for doing porno films.
1156
00:51:29,614 --> 00:51:32,211
Now, ya'll would like to
do porno films wouldn't ya?
1157
00:51:32,212 --> 00:51:35,365
We'd all like to be free
enough to do porno films.
1158
00:51:35,366 --> 00:51:37,507
Can I get his autograph?
1159
00:51:37,508 --> 00:51:39,547
As long as you're all
letting it hang out,
1160
00:51:39,548 --> 00:51:43,446
when I was a kid I'd go
to the fields, you know,
1161
00:51:43,447 --> 00:51:45,864
and I'd make it with a sheep.
1162
00:51:49,055 --> 00:51:50,888
Aw, man that's sick!
1163
00:51:54,096 --> 00:51:56,537
I guess everybody's done that
1164
00:51:56,538 --> 00:51:58,405
at one time or another, right?
1165
00:51:58,406 --> 00:51:59,503
Just get out, man!
1166
00:51:59,504 --> 00:52:01,771
Get out of here!
1167
00:52:08,141 --> 00:52:11,499
I booked you in Vegas
a week from Friday.
1168
00:52:11,500 --> 00:52:12,992
Vegas?
1169
00:52:12,993 --> 00:52:15,671
Well, that's great, Kate!
1170
00:52:15,672 --> 00:52:19,743
But wait, I still have two
weeks left on my police job.
1171
00:52:19,744 --> 00:52:21,834
Now, I booked you on your day off.
1172
00:52:21,835 --> 00:52:22,829
It's just a one night gig.
1173
00:52:22,830 --> 00:52:24,508
You know, they want to see
how you do in the big room.
1174
00:52:24,509 --> 00:52:25,852
They're not sure a guy with a bag
1175
00:52:25,853 --> 00:52:27,915
over his head can pull it off.
1176
00:52:27,916 --> 00:52:29,214
What do you think?
1177
00:52:29,215 --> 00:52:30,942
You think we can pull it off?
1178
00:52:30,943 --> 00:52:32,571
Pull it off?
1179
00:52:32,572 --> 00:52:35,272
I've hired a choreographer,
conductor, singers, dancers,
1180
00:52:35,273 --> 00:52:37,868
everything, I mean this is the big time!
1181
00:52:37,869 --> 00:52:38,760
This is great!
1182
00:52:38,761 --> 00:52:40,172
This is too good to be true!
1183
00:52:40,173 --> 00:52:41,373
Thanks, Kate.
1184
00:52:41,374 --> 00:52:42,467
Bye!
1185
00:52:42,468 --> 00:52:43,385
Bye, kid!
1186
00:52:47,424 --> 00:52:48,899
Melvin, is it true?
1187
00:52:48,900 --> 00:52:50,220
Is what true?
1188
00:52:50,221 --> 00:52:52,380
Captain Lewis got a phone
call earlier linking you
1189
00:52:52,381 --> 00:52:53,771
with the bag man!
1190
00:52:53,772 --> 00:52:56,628
I overheard him saying he was
gonna inspect your locker.
1191
00:52:56,629 --> 00:52:58,578
So I rushed over there first.
1192
00:52:58,579 --> 00:53:01,276
Melvin, I found over 50 paper bags!
1193
00:53:04,136 --> 00:53:05,895
I put them in my desk.
1194
00:53:05,896 --> 00:53:07,643
Well, that's what happened to them!
1195
00:53:07,644 --> 00:53:10,338
You know, I was wondering
what happened to those bags.
1196
00:53:10,339 --> 00:53:11,724
See, I've been collecting those bags
1197
00:53:11,725 --> 00:53:13,524
as evidence against the bag man.
1198
00:53:13,525 --> 00:53:16,484
I am this close to breaking that case.
1199
00:53:16,485 --> 00:53:18,137
I know you're such a good person.
1200
00:53:18,138 --> 00:53:20,138
You wouldn't hurt a fly.
1201
00:53:23,494 --> 00:53:24,725
Well, you're a good person.
1202
00:53:24,726 --> 00:53:26,821
Of course I am and
you've got good instincts.
1203
00:53:26,822 --> 00:53:28,196
You gotta believe in them.
1204
00:53:28,197 --> 00:53:29,841
'Cause I am a good person.
1205
00:53:29,842 --> 00:53:31,180
I am honest.
1206
00:53:31,181 --> 00:53:32,882
I believe you.
1207
00:53:32,883 --> 00:53:34,732
You're a good guy, Sue.
1208
00:53:34,733 --> 00:53:37,556
Sometime we oughta go somewhere
and just have some fun.
1209
00:53:37,557 --> 00:53:38,456
Yeah?
1210
00:53:38,457 --> 00:53:42,472
Yeah, maybe we could go to
my apartment and vacuum it.
1211
00:53:42,473 --> 00:53:44,046
Oh, that sounds great!
1212
00:53:44,047 --> 00:53:44,880
Yeah.
1213
00:53:44,881 --> 00:53:46,495
Hey listen, next week is my birthday
1214
00:53:46,496 --> 00:53:48,321
and I heard that the Unknown
Comic is going to be playing
1215
00:53:48,322 --> 00:53:50,284
in Las Vegas so as a treat to myself
1216
00:53:50,285 --> 00:53:51,409
I was gonna go down there
1217
00:53:51,410 --> 00:53:53,636
and being that I make out your schedule,
1218
00:53:53,637 --> 00:53:55,418
I know you're not working next Friday
1219
00:53:55,419 --> 00:53:57,720
so maybe you'd like to join me?
1220
00:53:57,721 --> 00:53:59,030
No, you see I couldn't.
1221
00:53:59,031 --> 00:54:03,237
To tell you the truth, I'm
sort of seeing someone else.
1222
00:54:03,238 --> 00:54:04,521
She's a knockout too.
1223
00:54:04,522 --> 00:54:06,022
Her name is Edith.
1224
00:54:07,001 --> 00:54:08,961
She's got long, blond hair, you know
1225
00:54:08,962 --> 00:54:11,840
and sometime maybe the three
of us we can go bowling.
1226
00:54:11,841 --> 00:54:12,944
Who am I kidding?
1227
00:54:12,945 --> 00:54:14,193
She's not the bowling type.
1228
00:54:14,194 --> 00:54:16,031
She's not a buddy like you are.
1229
00:54:17,367 --> 00:54:18,985
We'll get together sometime soon.
1230
00:54:18,986 --> 00:54:21,253
We'll go out somewhere
just the three of us, okay?
1231
00:54:21,254 --> 00:54:22,754
I'll see ya later.
1232
00:54:26,875 --> 00:54:28,146
Yes, I'm tense.
1233
00:54:28,147 --> 00:54:29,432
Of course I'm tense.
1234
00:54:29,433 --> 00:54:31,356
Tonight's my big night in Vegas.
1235
00:54:31,357 --> 00:54:33,786
I hope that bag man
doesn't rob another bar.
1236
00:54:33,787 --> 00:54:35,576
Everybody thinks it's me.
1237
00:54:35,577 --> 00:54:37,248
I'm not even sure it's not me!
1238
00:54:37,249 --> 00:54:38,727
Do you think it's me?
1239
00:54:38,728 --> 00:54:40,541
Do you think I'm crazy?
1240
00:54:40,542 --> 00:54:42,674
Am I schizophrenic?
1241
00:54:42,675 --> 00:54:43,939
Help me, Doc, you gotta help me!
1242
00:54:43,940 --> 00:54:45,440
What do you think?
1243
00:54:47,949 --> 00:54:50,722
I think we came over on different ships,
1244
00:54:50,723 --> 00:54:53,129
but we're in the same boat now.
1245
00:54:53,130 --> 00:54:54,416
I don't understand, Doc.
1246
00:54:54,417 --> 00:54:55,417
Nevermind.
1247
00:54:56,828 --> 00:54:59,464
Have a great time in Vegas.
1248
00:54:59,465 --> 00:55:01,275
It's a great marquis, Kate.
1249
00:55:01,276 --> 00:55:02,825
I don't believe it.
1250
00:55:02,826 --> 00:55:04,403
They forgot my name.
1251
00:55:04,404 --> 00:55:06,112
You have me to thank for everything.
1252
00:55:06,113 --> 00:55:08,793
Oh, and don't forget the
party in the suite tomorrow.
1253
00:55:08,794 --> 00:55:11,220
Yeah, but where's my name?
1254
00:55:11,221 --> 00:55:12,768
I don't see my name up there.
1255
00:55:12,769 --> 00:55:14,524
Where's my name?
1256
00:55:33,327 --> 00:55:38,054
Ladies and
gentlemen, The Unknown Comic.
1257
00:55:46,018 --> 00:55:47,419
Alright!
1258
00:55:47,420 --> 00:55:49,650
Keep that applause going for the bagettes,
1259
00:55:49,651 --> 00:55:51,401
ladies and gentlemen!
1260
00:55:52,614 --> 00:55:54,225
My first night in Las Vegas.
1261
00:55:54,226 --> 00:55:56,830
Already I got 14 girls in
the sack with me, right?
1262
00:55:58,791 --> 00:56:00,960
I'd like to introduce my
parents in the audience.
1263
00:56:00,961 --> 00:56:04,560
All the way from Sacramento,
Mr. And Mrs. Bagovich.
1264
00:56:04,561 --> 00:56:06,225
Ma and Pa Bagovich!
1265
00:56:08,008 --> 00:56:09,524
And also in the audience,
1266
00:56:09,525 --> 00:56:11,311
they just flew in all
the way from Baghdad,
1267
00:56:11,312 --> 00:56:13,472
my grandparents, Grandma and Grandpa.
1268
00:56:13,473 --> 00:56:14,775
Stand up and take a bow.
1269
00:56:14,776 --> 00:56:16,819
There they are, ladies and gentlemen.
1270
00:56:18,005 --> 00:56:20,239
Grandma and Grandpa!
1271
00:56:20,240 --> 00:56:21,659
You don't know me, do you?
1272
00:56:21,660 --> 00:56:24,061
That's why I carry this.
1273
00:56:24,062 --> 00:56:25,793
That's right, my American Express card.
1274
00:56:25,794 --> 00:56:26,942
Gets me into any
restaurant in the country.
1275
00:56:26,943 --> 00:56:28,384
I just go at three in the
morning after they've closed
1276
00:56:28,385 --> 00:56:30,673
and stick it in between
the door and the lock.
1277
00:56:33,855 --> 00:56:35,241
How are the new dolls?
1278
00:56:35,242 --> 00:56:37,021
Terrific, absolutely terrific!
1279
00:56:37,022 --> 00:56:37,917
There he is.
1280
00:56:37,917 --> 00:56:38,839
You're funny.
1281
00:56:38,839 --> 00:56:39,801
Oh, thanks bud.
1282
00:56:39,802 --> 00:56:42,064
We had a meeting with the
board of directors this morning
1283
00:56:42,065 --> 00:56:44,061
and I'd like to offer you
a contract with the hotel.
1284
00:56:44,062 --> 00:56:46,097
You know it all started
when I was a little kid.
1285
00:56:46,098 --> 00:56:47,713
I always wanted to be funny.
1286
00:56:49,013 --> 00:56:50,823
You're not making my job any easier!
1287
00:56:50,824 --> 00:56:53,182
Why don't you go talk to the press people
1288
00:56:53,183 --> 00:56:55,473
and I'll explain to Mr.
Egglash you're booked solid
1289
00:56:55,474 --> 00:56:57,160
and you need a lot of money.
1290
00:56:57,161 --> 00:56:59,077
Alright, nice meeting you Mister.
1291
00:56:59,078 --> 00:57:00,701
Yes, it was nice to meet you.
1292
00:57:00,702 --> 00:57:02,146
You too, bye-bye.
1293
00:57:02,147 --> 00:57:03,511
Can I get an interview here?
1294
00:57:03,512 --> 00:57:04,438
Just one minute.
1295
00:57:04,439 --> 00:57:05,705
You have any money on you?
1296
00:57:05,706 --> 00:57:07,404
Do you have any plans to do a movie?
1297
00:57:07,405 --> 00:57:10,046
Yeah, I'd love to do a porno movie.
1298
00:57:10,047 --> 00:57:11,013
Hello.
1299
00:57:11,013 --> 00:57:11,846
Edith!
1300
00:57:11,847 --> 00:57:14,998
Well, I thought your show
was dynamite last night.
1301
00:57:14,999 --> 00:57:18,949
I want you to know, I
know about you and Tex.
1302
00:57:18,950 --> 00:57:20,671
Well, then I guess I better tell you,
1303
00:57:20,672 --> 00:57:23,331
you see Tex is in deep shit with the IRS.
1304
00:57:23,332 --> 00:57:25,471
He feels you're the only
one that can help him.
1305
00:57:25,472 --> 00:57:27,820
He wants you to do a benefit
performance at the club.
1306
00:57:27,821 --> 00:57:28,810
Yeah?
1307
00:57:28,811 --> 00:57:32,541
Why don't you take that bag
off when I'm talking to you?
1308
00:57:32,542 --> 00:57:35,912
Anyway, I've been waiting
so long for you and I
1309
00:57:35,913 --> 00:57:38,246
to be together, haven't you?
1310
00:57:39,765 --> 00:57:42,025
Aren't you worried Tex
will find out about us?
1311
00:57:42,026 --> 00:57:44,631
Well, he never found
out about the others.
1312
00:57:44,632 --> 00:57:45,715
Mmm, oh shit!
1313
00:57:46,722 --> 00:57:49,059
Goddamn fucking glass!
1314
00:57:49,060 --> 00:57:50,503
My dress is all wet!
1315
00:57:50,504 --> 00:57:53,176
Give me a hand here will ya
before I rip your sack off!
1316
00:57:53,177 --> 00:57:54,384
No.
1317
00:57:54,385 --> 00:57:56,302
Make me want to puke!
1318
00:58:02,043 --> 00:58:05,903
Excuse me, Mr. Unknown Comic,
I saw your show last night.
1319
00:58:05,904 --> 00:58:06,816
It was really terrific.
1320
00:58:06,817 --> 00:58:08,137
Could I get your autograph?
1321
00:58:08,138 --> 00:58:08,987
Of course.
1322
00:58:08,988 --> 00:58:10,568
Excuse me, you're interrupting us!
1323
00:58:10,569 --> 00:58:12,377
Why don't you take your
tits and ass and get lost!
1324
00:58:12,378 --> 00:58:13,211
I'm sorry.
1325
00:58:13,212 --> 00:58:14,867
I didn't mean to interrupt anything.
1326
00:58:14,868 --> 00:58:16,193
It's okay, she's just a fan.
1327
00:58:16,194 --> 00:58:17,303
Hey!
1328
00:58:17,304 --> 00:58:19,053
I thought we had something going here
1329
00:58:19,054 --> 00:58:20,820
until this dumb bitch showed up.
1330
00:58:20,821 --> 00:58:21,882
Uh-oh.
1331
00:58:21,883 --> 00:58:25,140
You can talk about my tits
and you can talk about my ass,
1332
00:58:25,141 --> 00:58:28,215
but don't ever call me dumb!
1333
00:58:35,722 --> 00:58:37,290
I hope you can swim.
1334
00:58:37,291 --> 00:58:39,066
I apologize!
1335
00:58:39,067 --> 00:58:41,567
You should be a stunt woman.
1336
00:58:46,779 --> 00:58:48,138
I'll save you?
1337
00:58:48,139 --> 00:58:50,389
Get the fuck out of here!
1338
00:58:51,756 --> 00:58:54,510
You really showed her.
1339
00:58:54,511 --> 00:58:56,182
I love that dress you're wearing.
1340
00:58:56,183 --> 00:58:57,403
Oh, that's nice.
1341
00:58:57,404 --> 00:58:59,084
I never knew you had such big tits.
1342
00:58:59,085 --> 00:59:00,666
Well, I think you're really terrific,
1343
00:59:00,667 --> 00:59:02,104
but I have a boyfriend, although,
1344
00:59:02,105 --> 00:59:03,922
he doesn't seem to know I exist.
1345
00:59:03,923 --> 00:59:05,817
What an idiot this guy must be.
1346
00:59:05,818 --> 00:59:08,793
His name is Melvin
and by the way I'm Sue.
1347
00:59:08,794 --> 00:59:10,580
Do you think you can make
that out to both of us,
1348
00:59:10,581 --> 00:59:11,991
Melvin and Sue?
1349
00:59:11,992 --> 00:59:13,409
Melvin and Sue.
1350
00:59:15,279 --> 00:59:17,371
I hope that you're not mad at me
1351
00:59:17,372 --> 00:59:19,240
and I'm really sorry
about your girlfriend.
1352
00:59:19,241 --> 00:59:21,106
Oh no, it's alright.
1353
00:59:21,107 --> 00:59:22,508
Oh, Edith...
1354
00:59:23,579 --> 00:59:24,436
Edith!
1355
00:59:24,437 --> 00:59:26,230
Do me a favor and set
up a benefit performance
1356
00:59:26,231 --> 00:59:27,546
at Tex's comedy club?
1357
00:59:27,547 --> 00:59:28,462
Alright, alright!
1358
00:59:28,463 --> 00:59:29,900
But I want to tell you something.
1359
00:59:29,901 --> 00:59:31,172
The bag man just committed another robbery
1360
00:59:31,173 --> 00:59:32,366
and you're the prime suspect!
1361
00:59:33,200 --> 00:59:34,077
That's right!
1362
00:59:34,078 --> 00:59:35,164
You sure are Bag Face!
1363
00:59:35,165 --> 00:59:36,397
But I assured the Captain
1364
00:59:36,398 --> 00:59:38,535
that you were with me
during the robberies, okay?
1365
00:59:38,536 --> 00:59:39,662
And the Captain and I
1366
00:59:39,663 --> 00:59:42,611
are gonna have dinner
tonight and discuss it.
1367
00:59:42,612 --> 00:59:44,948
So tell me, Captain, how
long have you secretly
1368
00:59:44,949 --> 00:59:47,810
been the head of the FBI and the CIA?
1369
00:59:49,508 --> 00:59:51,182
Calling all
cars, calling all cars.
1370
00:59:51,183 --> 00:59:52,925
Be on the lookout for the bag man.
1371
00:59:52,926 --> 00:59:55,502
The Captain received an anonymous tip
1372
00:59:55,503 --> 00:59:57,272
reporting him in our precinct.
1373
00:59:57,273 --> 00:59:58,606
Be on the alert.
1374
01:00:00,159 --> 01:00:02,155
For the benefit show tonight,
1375
01:00:02,156 --> 01:00:04,335
you don't mind if I wait
outside again do ya?
1376
01:00:04,336 --> 01:00:05,620
No, no problem.
1377
01:00:05,621 --> 01:00:06,518
Go right ahead.
1378
01:00:06,519 --> 01:00:07,588
Great.
1379
01:00:07,589 --> 01:00:09,752
Car 86, report
to 714 Conch street.
1380
01:00:09,753 --> 01:00:11,638
Transvestite disturbing the peace.
1381
01:00:11,639 --> 01:00:13,101
Ten four.
1382
01:00:13,102 --> 01:00:14,168
Here we go.
1383
01:00:23,273 --> 01:00:25,662
Shoot me!
1384
01:00:25,663 --> 01:00:27,016
Shoot me!
1385
01:00:32,778 --> 01:00:34,923
Boy, people are really
strange this time of night.
1386
01:00:34,924 --> 01:00:35,757
No, they're not!
1387
01:00:35,757 --> 01:00:36,590
Yeah, they are.
1388
01:00:36,590 --> 01:00:37,423
No, they're not!
1389
01:00:37,423 --> 01:00:38,256
Yeah they are.
1390
01:00:38,256 --> 01:00:39,241
Not!
1391
01:00:39,242 --> 01:00:41,358
Hey man, watch out for razor blades.
1392
01:00:41,359 --> 01:00:44,080
Car 86, report
to 917 Oshgo avenue.
1393
01:00:44,081 --> 01:00:46,835
Dope deal in progress, report armed.
1394
01:00:46,836 --> 01:00:48,750
Suspects are armed and dangerous.
1395
01:00:48,751 --> 01:00:50,929
Repeat, armed and dangerous.
1396
01:00:50,930 --> 01:00:52,669
Melvin, be careful!
1397
01:00:52,670 --> 01:00:55,003
They're armed and dangerous!
1398
01:01:09,254 --> 01:01:11,885
Alright, everybody, this is a bust!
1399
01:01:12,991 --> 01:01:14,751
No, this is a bust.
1400
01:01:14,752 --> 01:01:15,891
She's right.
1401
01:01:15,892 --> 01:01:17,352
What you got in your hand there?
1402
01:01:17,353 --> 01:01:18,381
It's a joint!
1403
01:01:18,382 --> 01:01:21,492
No, babe, this is a joint.
1404
01:01:21,493 --> 01:01:23,520
That marijuana?
1405
01:01:23,521 --> 01:01:24,830
I've never tried this before.
1406
01:01:24,831 --> 01:01:26,051
Go ahead man.
1407
01:01:26,052 --> 01:01:29,302
Ooh, is that the marijuana you think?
1408
01:01:30,365 --> 01:01:32,862
I don't know man, could be.
1409
01:01:32,863 --> 01:01:33,946
Suck on it.
1410
01:01:38,142 --> 01:01:40,443
Making me cough!
1411
01:01:42,446 --> 01:01:44,113
Feels interesting.
1412
01:01:45,339 --> 01:01:47,256
Oh, I'm horny!
1413
01:01:50,504 --> 01:01:51,778
Holy cow!
1414
01:01:51,779 --> 01:01:52,696
No offense.
1415
01:01:54,870 --> 01:01:57,365
Ooh, you got a beard!
1416
01:01:57,366 --> 01:01:58,904
I didn't even see the beard!
1417
01:01:58,905 --> 01:02:00,180
Did you see that!
1418
01:02:00,181 --> 01:02:01,807
I've never seen it either!
1419
01:02:01,808 --> 01:02:03,136
He's got no hair on his chest.
1420
01:02:03,137 --> 01:02:05,166
I don't feel a thing,
to tell you the truth.
1421
01:02:05,167 --> 01:02:07,000
Maybe a little hungry.
1422
01:02:07,913 --> 01:02:09,663
Oh yeah look at this!
1423
01:02:44,973 --> 01:02:46,409
Test for a dollar!
1424
01:02:46,410 --> 01:02:48,744
Melvin, Melvin come in!
1425
01:02:51,049 --> 01:02:52,378
Sue, come in Sue!
1426
01:02:52,379 --> 01:02:53,796
Sue, one adam 12!
1427
01:02:55,821 --> 01:02:57,009
Hey these things,
1428
01:02:57,010 --> 01:02:59,862
these razors they'll
give you a close shave.
1429
01:03:01,789 --> 01:03:03,419
You want a close shave,
1430
01:03:03,420 --> 01:03:04,728
I'll give you a close shave!
1431
01:03:04,729 --> 01:03:06,373
Listen you clowns, I just
received another anonymous tip
1432
01:03:06,374 --> 01:03:07,773
that the next bar to be
robbed by this bag man
1433
01:03:07,774 --> 01:03:10,493
is Leroy A Go-Go, a black
club over on Carver.
1434
01:03:10,494 --> 01:03:13,223
You guys are gonna report
as undercover policemen.
1435
01:03:13,224 --> 01:03:14,067
Undercover?
1436
01:03:14,068 --> 01:03:15,515
Yes, undercover!
1437
01:03:15,516 --> 01:03:16,708
When do we report?
1438
01:03:16,709 --> 01:03:17,900
Right now!
1439
01:03:17,901 --> 01:03:18,906
You don't have much time!
1440
01:03:18,907 --> 01:03:21,339
Ten four, ten four,
Captain and roger and out.
1441
01:03:21,340 --> 01:03:22,233
Okay, bye!
1442
01:03:22,234 --> 01:03:23,863
Yeah and one more thing,
1443
01:03:23,864 --> 01:03:25,155
today is my birthday!
1444
01:03:25,156 --> 01:03:27,658
Oh, but Captain your
birthday was last month!
1445
01:03:27,659 --> 01:03:28,998
Are you calling me a liar?
1446
01:03:28,999 --> 01:03:30,931
Happy Birthday to you!
1447
01:03:43,029 --> 01:03:44,468
♪ LA PD ♪
1448
01:03:44,469 --> 01:03:47,490
♪ You're running out of control ♪
1449
01:03:47,491 --> 01:03:49,057
♪ LA PD ♪
1450
01:03:49,058 --> 01:03:52,342
♪ Police run out of control ♪
1451
01:03:52,343 --> 01:03:54,409
♪ LA PD ♪
1452
01:03:54,410 --> 01:03:57,087
♪ Along the streets of your city ♪
1453
01:03:57,088 --> 01:04:00,671
♪ LA PD ♪
1454
01:04:02,745 --> 01:04:04,068
Why, that was really nice
1455
01:04:04,069 --> 01:04:07,598
of those guys to switch
outfits with us, wasn't it?
1456
01:04:07,599 --> 01:04:10,673
Yeah, you didn't forget to
bring your weapon did you?
1457
01:04:10,674 --> 01:04:12,089
Forget my weapon?
1458
01:04:12,090 --> 01:04:15,004
No, no, I traded it for this radio!
1459
01:04:28,147 --> 01:04:32,261
♪ If you're gonna make a run boy ♪
1460
01:04:32,262 --> 01:04:36,429
♪ Better make it fast ♪
1461
01:04:37,928 --> 01:04:39,095
Be cool man.
1462
01:04:50,818 --> 01:04:52,068
♪ LA PD ♪
1463
01:04:52,069 --> 01:04:54,929
♪ You're running out of control ♪
1464
01:04:54,930 --> 01:04:56,501
♪ LA PD ♪
1465
01:04:56,502 --> 01:04:57,820
Pardon me, gentlemen.
1466
01:04:57,821 --> 01:04:59,970
Do you have reservations?
1467
01:04:59,971 --> 01:05:02,877
We're undercover, police.
1468
01:05:02,878 --> 01:05:06,545
Well, okay just don't
cause any commotion.
1469
01:05:07,706 --> 01:05:11,039
Blend in, we don't want to be noticed.
1470
01:05:16,711 --> 01:05:17,694
I feel good!
1471
01:05:17,695 --> 01:05:18,721
I feel good!
1472
01:05:18,722 --> 01:05:19,824
Give me five brother, Give me five!
1473
01:05:19,825 --> 01:05:20,808
Anybody got five?
1474
01:05:20,809 --> 01:05:23,225
I feel good tonight, feel real good.
1475
01:05:23,226 --> 01:05:25,015
Look bad, but I feel good.
1476
01:05:25,016 --> 01:05:26,035
I can dig it, you can dig it.
1477
01:05:26,036 --> 01:05:26,966
Can you dig it?
1478
01:05:26,967 --> 01:05:28,233
Maybe not.
1479
01:05:28,234 --> 01:05:30,870
Hey, bro, what's happening?
1480
01:05:30,871 --> 01:05:33,217
I beg your pardon sir.
1481
01:05:33,218 --> 01:05:34,946
Are you speaking to me?
1482
01:05:34,947 --> 01:05:36,747
Groovy place you guys got here.
1483
01:05:36,748 --> 01:05:38,124
Hey, bro how's it hanging?
1484
01:05:38,125 --> 01:05:40,979
Hey, white man, you
ever heard of black power?
1485
01:05:40,980 --> 01:05:43,130
Oh yeah, use it in my
kitchen get rid of those bugs,
1486
01:05:43,131 --> 01:05:44,159
great stuff.
1487
01:05:44,160 --> 01:05:45,160
Bartender...
1488
01:05:46,910 --> 01:05:49,455
What'll you have, copper?
1489
01:05:49,456 --> 01:05:53,539
Give me a scotch on the
rocks and hurry please.
1490
01:05:54,504 --> 01:05:55,587
Warm in here.
1491
01:05:58,379 --> 01:06:01,718
Could I get another ice cube please?
1492
01:06:04,473 --> 01:06:05,615
Maybe not.
1493
01:06:05,616 --> 01:06:07,041
I gotta go pee anyway.
1494
01:06:07,042 --> 01:06:08,042
Potty, piss.
1495
01:06:10,493 --> 01:06:12,198
Kent, I'm going to the bathroom.
1496
01:06:12,199 --> 01:06:13,572
Go ahead, just watch it.
1497
01:06:13,573 --> 01:06:14,797
Right on!
1498
01:06:14,798 --> 01:06:18,329
Hey, you live around here?
1499
01:06:19,744 --> 01:06:21,142
Hey, everybody this is a stick-up!
1500
01:06:21,143 --> 01:06:22,302
Don't anybody move!
1501
01:06:22,303 --> 01:06:24,849
You, Buckwheat, get all
the money in this bag.
1502
01:06:24,850 --> 01:06:26,058
Uh-uh, copper!
1503
01:06:26,059 --> 01:06:28,277
Don't move that hand or I'll blow it off!
1504
01:06:28,278 --> 01:06:29,814
Come on you, move it, move it!
1505
01:06:29,815 --> 01:06:31,279
I want all the tips too!
1506
01:06:31,280 --> 01:06:32,954
Come on, hurry up!
1507
01:06:32,955 --> 01:06:34,076
Come on, four eyes!
1508
01:06:34,077 --> 01:06:35,512
Good!
1509
01:06:35,513 --> 01:06:38,141
I've got a joke for you that
will make your hair curl.
1510
01:06:38,142 --> 01:06:40,128
Ah, you already heard it.
1511
01:06:40,129 --> 01:06:41,490
I guess the only credit card
1512
01:06:41,491 --> 01:06:43,792
this club takes is Massercharge.
1513
01:06:43,793 --> 01:06:46,332
Get it, Massercharge!
1514
01:06:46,333 --> 01:06:49,583
Don't worry everybody I'm the police!
1515
01:06:57,303 --> 01:06:58,918
Kent, what happened?
1516
01:06:58,919 --> 01:07:00,362
What happened, I'll
tell you what happened.
1517
01:07:00,363 --> 01:07:01,679
Bag man just robbed this place.
1518
01:07:01,680 --> 01:07:02,513
What?
1519
01:07:02,514 --> 01:07:04,012
You were in the bathroom.
1520
01:07:04,013 --> 01:07:06,581
Then the bag man leaves and
you come out of the bathroom.
1521
01:07:06,582 --> 01:07:07,926
What a coincidence!
1522
01:07:07,927 --> 01:07:09,759
Captain Lewis told me he suspected you.
1523
01:07:09,760 --> 01:07:10,873
Let me see your neck!
1524
01:07:10,874 --> 01:07:12,229
Why?
1525
01:07:12,230 --> 01:07:13,497
Just as I suspected.
1526
01:07:13,498 --> 01:07:14,593
What?
1527
01:07:14,594 --> 01:07:15,992
Paper cuts!
1528
01:07:18,680 --> 01:07:20,905
As far as I'm concerned,
you're my number one suspect.
1529
01:07:20,906 --> 01:07:22,415
What were you doing in that bathroom?
1530
01:07:22,416 --> 01:07:23,499
Number two.
1531
01:07:24,503 --> 01:07:26,747
Okay, you're my number two suspect.
1532
01:07:29,120 --> 01:07:31,689
You two guys really
screwed it up didn't ya, huh?
1533
01:07:31,690 --> 01:07:33,588
I'm gonna give you one more chance.
1534
01:07:33,589 --> 01:07:36,413
We'll go to the Comedy Cabaret
and we're gonna find out
1535
01:07:36,414 --> 01:07:38,063
once and for all, if the Unknown Comic
1536
01:07:38,064 --> 01:07:40,753
is really the bag man or if
you are the Unknown Comic
1537
01:07:40,754 --> 01:07:42,567
or if maybe the bag man is you
1538
01:07:42,568 --> 01:07:44,641
or the Unknown Comic is the bag man
1539
01:07:44,642 --> 01:07:46,047
or if you're not the Unknown Comic
1540
01:07:46,048 --> 01:07:47,435
and you're not the bag man
1541
01:07:47,436 --> 01:07:49,662
then we're gonna go over and find out.
1542
01:08:01,995 --> 01:08:03,309
Come on, let me help you out.
1543
01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:09,569
Take this, kid, go around the corner.
1544
01:08:09,570 --> 01:08:11,108
We don't want to arouse any suspicion.
1545
01:08:11,109 --> 01:08:11,942
Yes sir!
1546
01:08:13,117 --> 01:08:14,730
Who's the owner of this place?
1547
01:08:14,731 --> 01:08:15,812
I am.
1548
01:08:20,106 --> 01:08:21,794
What seems to be the trouble, officer?
1549
01:08:21,795 --> 01:08:23,056
No trouble at all.
1550
01:08:23,057 --> 01:08:24,158
We're just going to find out
1551
01:08:24,159 --> 01:08:25,960
if the Unknown Comic is really a comic.
1552
01:08:27,347 --> 01:08:28,840
Who are these two idiots?
1553
01:08:30,228 --> 01:08:31,947
We're also undercover police officers.
1554
01:08:31,948 --> 01:08:34,991
I hope someone uncovers
the Unknown Comic soon.
1555
01:08:34,992 --> 01:08:38,305
It's almost showtime and
he hasn't shown up yet.
1556
01:08:38,306 --> 01:08:41,568
We want a few words
with him after the show.
1557
01:08:41,569 --> 01:08:43,193
Well, I wouldn't be too hard on him.
1558
01:08:43,194 --> 01:08:45,499
He probably has a pretty good excuse.
1559
01:08:46,918 --> 01:08:49,130
It'll be very interesting to find out
1560
01:08:49,131 --> 01:08:52,269
if the Unknown Comic shows up at all.
1561
01:08:52,270 --> 01:08:53,762
Right, Melvin?
1562
01:08:55,463 --> 01:08:57,171
Right, Captain.
1563
01:08:57,172 --> 01:08:58,993
I gotta go to the bar and mingle.
1564
01:08:58,994 --> 01:09:00,287
Let me check your doll.
1565
01:09:00,288 --> 01:09:01,716
Put me down!
1566
01:09:01,717 --> 01:09:02,927
Get out of here!
1567
01:09:02,928 --> 01:09:04,624
And Melvin, you stay right there!
1568
01:09:04,625 --> 01:09:05,694
Don't you move!
1569
01:09:05,695 --> 01:09:08,962
And Tex, you keep an eye on Melvin!
1570
01:09:08,963 --> 01:09:11,444
Captain Lewis you said you
were gonna call me last night
1571
01:09:11,445 --> 01:09:12,325
and you didn't.
1572
01:09:12,326 --> 01:09:13,732
Were you lying?
1573
01:09:13,733 --> 01:09:17,560
If I lie to you, may the
Lord take my voice away!
1574
01:09:19,306 --> 01:09:21,522
Wait a sec, drink this.
1575
01:09:24,899 --> 01:09:26,975
Those guys sure don't
seem to trust you very much.
1576
01:09:26,976 --> 01:09:28,897
No, they think that I know something
1577
01:09:28,898 --> 01:09:31,467
about this Unknown Comic character.
1578
01:09:31,468 --> 01:09:33,094
There's been a rumor
that the Unknown Comic
1579
01:09:33,095 --> 01:09:34,971
and this bag man that's
been robbing all the bars
1580
01:09:34,972 --> 01:09:36,376
is one and the same.
1581
01:09:36,377 --> 01:09:38,342
Yeah, well I've got a
feeling neither one of them
1582
01:09:38,343 --> 01:09:40,426
is gonna show up tonight.
1583
01:09:41,929 --> 01:09:44,926
Hi, I know this is the night
you've all been waiting for.
1584
01:09:44,927 --> 01:09:48,071
Please welcome the Unknown Comic!
1585
01:09:58,843 --> 01:10:00,535
What I'm going to do for you
1586
01:10:00,536 --> 01:10:02,116
is gonna make your boobies fall off.
1587
01:10:02,117 --> 01:10:03,353
You already heard it!
1588
01:10:05,530 --> 01:10:07,850
Oh, she's pissed now!
1589
01:10:07,851 --> 01:10:09,578
Don't worry, I can make
your boobies seem larger.
1590
01:10:09,579 --> 01:10:11,118
I have small hands.
1591
01:10:13,952 --> 01:10:15,508
I'm telling you I just flew in
1592
01:10:15,509 --> 01:10:16,581
from Las Vegas.
1593
01:10:16,582 --> 01:10:17,576
Yeah, what a bummer.
1594
01:10:17,577 --> 01:10:20,666
I got airsick and nobody knew!
1595
01:10:20,667 --> 01:10:22,297
Some of you suckers are
holding in your laughs.
1596
01:10:22,298 --> 01:10:23,330
Don't do that folks.
1597
01:10:23,331 --> 01:10:24,465
It creates gas.
1598
01:10:25,414 --> 01:10:26,619
That's right, everybody give me an H.
1599
01:10:26,620 --> 01:10:27,653
H!
1600
01:10:27,654 --> 01:10:28,734
Give me an A!
1601
01:10:28,735 --> 01:10:29,568
A!
1602
01:10:29,568 --> 01:10:30,401
Give me an H!
1603
01:10:30,401 --> 01:10:31,378
H!
1604
01:10:31,378 --> 01:10:32,311
Give me an A!
1605
01:10:32,311 --> 01:10:33,254
A!
1606
01:10:33,255 --> 01:10:34,367
What's it spell?
1607
01:10:34,368 --> 01:10:35,409
Haha!
1608
01:10:35,410 --> 01:10:36,856
There don't you feel better?
1609
01:10:40,438 --> 01:10:41,561
Nobody move a muscle.
1610
01:10:41,562 --> 01:10:43,036
I swear to God, I'll blow you away!
1611
01:10:43,037 --> 01:10:44,776
You, put all the money
in this bag right now!
1612
01:10:44,777 --> 01:10:45,661
Move it!
1613
01:10:45,662 --> 01:10:46,707
Now, give it to me!
1614
01:10:46,708 --> 01:10:48,055
You've been such a good audience,
1615
01:10:48,056 --> 01:10:49,337
I'd like to leave you with a joke.
1616
01:10:49,338 --> 01:10:51,695
How do you keep a roomful
of assholes in suspense?
1617
01:10:52,738 --> 01:10:54,042
I'll tell you tomorrow!
1618
01:10:54,043 --> 01:10:55,691
No, darling, I've got to talk to you.
1619
01:10:55,692 --> 01:10:56,525
I love you.
1620
01:10:56,526 --> 01:10:58,223
Don't you see we were meant or each other?
1621
01:11:00,322 --> 01:11:01,478
Get away from me!
1622
01:11:01,479 --> 01:11:02,312
I got the gun!
1623
01:11:02,313 --> 01:11:03,343
I got the money!
1624
01:11:03,344 --> 01:11:04,177
Oh no!
1625
01:11:16,243 --> 01:11:18,160
What's going on here?
1626
01:11:41,471 --> 01:11:42,304
Alright.
1627
01:11:44,563 --> 01:11:49,449
Don't you make a move or
I'll blow your brains out!
1628
01:11:55,521 --> 01:11:57,488
I think we lost him.
1629
01:11:57,489 --> 01:11:58,989
No, there he is!
1630
01:12:01,467 --> 01:12:02,300
Come on!
1631
01:12:06,449 --> 01:12:08,366
There he is!
1632
01:12:08,367 --> 01:12:09,681
I said hey!
1633
01:12:09,682 --> 01:12:10,863
Hey!
1634
01:12:10,864 --> 01:12:11,840
I said ho!
1635
01:12:11,841 --> 01:12:13,094
Ho!
1636
01:12:13,095 --> 01:12:14,516
I said hey!
1637
01:12:14,517 --> 01:12:15,350
Hey!
1638
01:12:15,350 --> 01:12:16,183
Ho!
1639
01:12:16,184 --> 01:12:17,478
Ho!
1640
01:12:17,479 --> 01:12:18,683
Hey, ho!
1641
01:12:18,684 --> 01:12:19,890
Hey, ho!
1642
01:12:21,207 --> 01:12:22,579
♪ We're gonna have a time ♪
1643
01:12:22,580 --> 01:12:24,948
♪ We're gonna have a time ♪
1644
01:12:24,949 --> 01:12:27,712
♪ We're gonna have a time ♪
1645
01:12:27,713 --> 01:12:31,018
♪ We're gonna have a time ♪
1646
01:12:31,019 --> 01:12:33,180
♪ We're gonna have a time ♪
1647
01:12:35,925 --> 01:12:37,843
♪ Hey, hey ♪
1648
01:12:37,844 --> 01:12:40,313
♪ Ho, ho ♪
1649
01:12:40,314 --> 01:12:41,480
♪ Hey, hey ♪
1650
01:12:41,481 --> 01:12:42,752
♪ Ho, ho ♪
1651
01:12:42,753 --> 01:12:43,679
♪ Hey, hey ♪
1652
01:12:43,679 --> 01:12:44,512
♪ Ho, ho ♪
1653
01:12:44,513 --> 01:12:46,791
♪ You know I'm in the mood ♪
1654
01:12:46,792 --> 01:12:49,256
♪ You know I'm in the mood ♪
1655
01:12:49,257 --> 01:12:51,751
♪ You know I'm in the mood ♪
1656
01:12:51,752 --> 01:12:56,104
♪ You know I'm in the mood ♪
1657
01:13:05,488 --> 01:13:09,772
I thought I saw the scumbag go this way.
1658
01:13:52,197 --> 01:13:54,594
Alright, you got me.
1659
01:13:54,595 --> 01:13:56,282
You're the big man.
1660
01:13:56,283 --> 01:13:57,647
You've got the gun.
1661
01:13:57,648 --> 01:13:59,520
Go ahead, shoot me!
1662
01:13:59,521 --> 01:14:01,736
Shoot me you coward!
1663
01:14:01,737 --> 01:14:03,166
You lowlife!
1664
01:14:03,167 --> 01:14:05,063
You scumbags!
1665
01:14:05,064 --> 01:14:06,346
Give him your gun.
1666
01:14:06,347 --> 01:14:07,554
I'm not gonna give him my gun.
1667
01:14:07,555 --> 01:14:09,222
Give him your gun!
1668
01:14:16,682 --> 01:14:18,726
Who the hell do you
think you are anyway?
1669
01:14:18,727 --> 01:14:19,977
Clint Eastwood?
1670
01:14:21,134 --> 01:14:22,301
Make my night!
1671
01:14:24,532 --> 01:14:26,611
Come on, quit pissing around!
1672
01:14:26,612 --> 01:14:27,945
Let's get to it!
1673
01:16:23,403 --> 01:16:24,570
Dr. Ziegler!
1674
01:16:26,554 --> 01:16:28,449
I think he's dead!
1675
01:16:29,915 --> 01:16:31,851
You could have killed me!
1676
01:16:39,202 --> 01:16:43,369
So that explains all
those anonymous phone calls.
1677
01:16:44,227 --> 01:16:45,541
Why?
1678
01:16:45,542 --> 01:16:47,238
No offense, Melvin.
1679
01:16:47,239 --> 01:16:48,912
Just a little bored.
1680
01:16:48,913 --> 01:16:50,535
I needed the money.
1681
01:16:50,536 --> 01:16:52,056
You two know each other?
1682
01:16:52,057 --> 01:16:52,890
Yeah.
1683
01:16:52,891 --> 01:16:55,712
But he didn't know that I
know he's the Unknown Comic.
1684
01:16:55,713 --> 01:16:58,137
Wait a minute, we just left
the Unknown Comic at the stage
1685
01:16:58,138 --> 01:16:59,820
at the Comedy Cabaret.
1686
01:16:59,821 --> 01:17:02,181
If that's the Unknown Comic and I'm here
1687
01:17:02,182 --> 01:17:04,682
then who the hell is that guy?
1688
01:17:27,333 --> 01:17:30,045
Captain Lewis, we caught the bag man!
1689
01:17:30,046 --> 01:17:31,471
Good.
1690
01:17:31,472 --> 01:17:33,051
What happened to the Unknown Comic?
1691
01:17:33,052 --> 01:17:34,152
I don't know.
1692
01:17:34,153 --> 01:17:35,653
Oh, there he is!
1693
01:17:45,770 --> 01:17:48,020
Excuse me, out of my way!
1694
01:18:16,775 --> 01:18:19,108
Come on, I've got you now!
1695
01:18:20,782 --> 01:18:24,949
Alright, let's see who you are!
1696
01:18:33,995 --> 01:18:35,204
Sue!
1697
01:18:35,205 --> 01:18:36,038
Melvin.
1698
01:18:36,913 --> 01:18:38,503
But why?
1699
01:18:38,504 --> 01:18:40,627
No one else is trying to help you.
1700
01:18:40,628 --> 01:18:42,926
When I heard that Captain
Lewis was gonna be watching you
1701
01:18:42,927 --> 01:18:44,710
so closely, I knew you couldn't change
1702
01:18:44,711 --> 01:18:46,278
into the Unknown Comic.
1703
01:18:46,279 --> 01:18:49,612
But my voice, how did you do my voice?
1704
01:18:59,282 --> 01:19:00,924
That was easy.
1705
01:19:00,925 --> 01:19:02,962
I found a tape when I was
going through your locker
1706
01:19:02,963 --> 01:19:05,557
of your act and so I put it
on the backstage microphone.
1707
01:19:05,558 --> 01:19:08,124
And nobody could see my
mouth moving under the bag,
1708
01:19:08,125 --> 01:19:10,241
so I just jumped around on stage.
1709
01:19:10,242 --> 01:19:11,819
What a great idea!
1710
01:19:11,820 --> 01:19:15,987
I could franchise the Unknown
Comic and make a fortune!
1711
01:19:22,363 --> 01:19:23,407
Melvin!
1712
01:19:23,408 --> 01:19:24,540
Oh Sue!
1713
01:19:24,541 --> 01:19:25,812
Oh Melvin!
1714
01:19:25,813 --> 01:19:26,646
Oh Sue!
1715
01:19:28,103 --> 01:19:29,321
Oh Melvin!
1716
01:19:29,322 --> 01:19:32,905
Wait a minute, you've
got an act to finish!
1717
01:19:40,443 --> 01:19:43,589
We can't make love like this anymore!
1718
01:20:23,041 --> 01:20:24,722
Finish the job!
1719
01:20:24,723 --> 01:20:28,811
Hey, like Robert De
Niro says Oh, Oh yeah!
1720
01:20:30,126 --> 01:20:32,185
Get down there you little cutie!
1721
01:20:32,186 --> 01:20:33,562
Way down there!
1722
01:20:33,563 --> 01:20:35,563
I'm going baby!
1723
01:20:45,114 --> 01:20:46,696
I don't believe it!
1724
01:20:46,697 --> 01:20:48,235
Are you calling me a liar?
1725
01:21:06,691 --> 01:21:08,774
And action!
1726
01:21:15,419 --> 01:21:17,086
Captain, uh, shit!
1727
01:21:25,254 --> 01:21:27,004
We're coming.
1728
01:21:33,369 --> 01:21:36,508
Captain, uh, Kent Lane not reporting.
1729
01:21:41,287 --> 01:21:43,395
Marker.
1730
01:21:43,396 --> 01:21:44,229
Action!
1731
01:21:45,107 --> 01:21:46,621
Hi, Sue!
1732
01:21:49,576 --> 01:21:50,849
Action!
1733
01:21:50,850 --> 01:21:51,683
Hi, Sue!
1734
01:21:57,463 --> 01:21:58,296
Hi, Sue!
1735
01:22:03,275 --> 01:22:05,004
And action!
1736
01:22:05,005 --> 01:22:06,423
Oh hi, Sue!
1737
01:22:06,424 --> 01:22:08,086
Melvin, is it true?
1738
01:22:08,087 --> 01:22:09,561
About the size of my dick?
1739
01:22:13,655 --> 01:22:15,066
It's my business to know, kid.
1740
01:22:15,067 --> 01:22:16,225
Hey, uh...
1741
01:22:17,408 --> 01:22:19,575
Hey you, Tex, come here!
1742
01:22:49,341 --> 01:22:53,437
♪ You're coming on like
you're my best friend ♪
1743
01:22:53,438 --> 01:22:57,280
♪ I know you'd like to
think my life depends on you ♪
1744
01:22:57,281 --> 01:22:58,780
♪ Why don't you stop ♪
1745
01:22:58,781 --> 01:23:00,979
♪ Why don't you take a listen round ♪
1746
01:23:00,980 --> 01:23:03,124
♪ If your thoughts don't make a sound ♪
1747
01:23:03,125 --> 01:23:08,094
♪ Why don't you change
your way of thinking ♪
1748
01:23:08,095 --> 01:23:11,436
♪ If you're gonna make a run boy ♪
1749
01:23:11,437 --> 01:23:14,604
♪ Better make it fast ♪
1750
01:23:17,846 --> 01:23:22,013
♪ If you're gonna make a big noise ♪
1751
01:23:23,510 --> 01:23:26,677
♪ Better make it last ♪
1752
01:23:29,279 --> 01:23:31,016
♪ LA PD ♪
1753
01:23:31,017 --> 01:23:34,070
♪ You're running out of control ♪
1754
01:23:34,071 --> 01:23:35,640
♪ LA PD ♪
1755
01:23:35,641 --> 01:23:38,788
♪ Police run out of control ♪
1756
01:23:38,789 --> 01:23:40,385
♪ LA PD ♪
1757
01:23:40,386 --> 01:23:43,612
♪ Along the streets of your city ♪
1758
01:23:43,613 --> 01:23:45,696
♪ LA PD ♪
1759
01:23:56,827 --> 01:24:01,059
♪ Rush of justice through
the street of your city ♪
1760
01:24:01,060 --> 01:24:04,685
♪ I hear a cry of anger
rise upon this land ♪
1761
01:24:04,686 --> 01:24:06,289
♪ Why don't you stop ♪
1762
01:24:06,290 --> 01:24:08,348
♪ For he who cries out ♪
1763
01:24:08,349 --> 01:24:10,552
♪ Points the lies out ♪
1764
01:24:10,553 --> 01:24:15,497
♪ He takes his life into his hand ♪
1765
01:24:15,498 --> 01:24:18,849
♪ If you're gonna make a run boy ♪
1766
01:24:18,850 --> 01:24:22,017
♪ Better make it fast ♪
1767
01:24:25,228 --> 01:24:29,395
♪ If you're gonna make a big noise ♪
1768
01:24:30,980 --> 01:24:34,147
♪ Better make it last ♪
1769
01:24:37,215 --> 01:24:38,565
♪ LA PD ♪
1770
01:24:38,566 --> 01:24:41,452
♪ You're running out of control ♪
1771
01:24:41,453 --> 01:24:43,453
♪ LA PD ♪
1772
01:24:48,097 --> 01:24:51,188
♪ Along the streets of your city ♪
1773
01:24:51,189 --> 01:24:54,772
♪ LA PD ♪
113723
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