Original subtitles

Second, again! All my life, I've always been second!

Even when I was first, I felt second!

Damn, will I be second in the afterlife, too?

I think I know him from somewhere.

But from where? TV, maybe?

Eh, you're joking! But... yes! Me too!

Wasn't he on TV?

Wait! Remember those girls? It was a teen beauty contest!

Yeah, sure! That one had such big tits!

I think he scored...

What a story! Are you sure?

It could be.

Sure! I think that is the guy

who made the movies about those chicks!

Jesus! A movie director! He must have fucked a lot!

You think he did all of them?

- Hell yeah! - No, really?

- I'm sure he did! - Lucky guy!

Sure!

So what's his name? Adam Miauczynski.

Look at his heels! What's on them?

Scars!

He must have been a happy guy!

Happy? Why do you think so?

He must have rubbed his feet out of joy!

Yeah, you're right he was a happy guy.

Mmm, happy my ass.

Maybe we can make him smile a little?

Let's see.

Shit, no way! Look at his teeth.

In front some of them look OK but the others are all ruined.

He must have brushed them too much...

Hey man look at his dick! It's black!

Oh shit, a black dick!

How did that happen!?

He probably fucked so much it turned black.

He lived well I mean at least he had a life.

All my life nothing funny ever happened to me.

Nothing FUNNY

I was born at that dreaded time of day just before dawn,

a time I hate as much as I hate twilight.

And those stupid nurses left me alone with my diapers wet.

So I cried for hours rubbing my heels against each other.

That's how I got these scars. I've had them ever since

and they were no more useful during communism than they are now.

My parents always argued with each other.

They even argued about my name.

Adam, Adas.

Michal.

I'd prefer Michal

- Adas, damn it! - I hate that name!

A- das

Stop arguing!

Of course I didn't say that when I was a baby

but even then something inside me screamed

and kept on screaming all my life.

Oh, gross.

I was the second kid and my parents wanted a girl.

My little girl, my girl.

Hi baby brother!

My brother Miki used to hit me on the back of my head,

instead of saying hello.

Hi baby brother.

What! Are you stupid?

Because of my brother I developed this nervous tick.

My life is filled with this kind of shit.

I studied film because I wanted to be famous,

have a beautiful car, beautiful women, and lots of money!

Look at my orange piece of junk.

Oh god! When I think that the best years of my life

are passing me by in this rattletrap piece of shit!

Oh sweet Jesus! So what!

Living like this until sixty, and then what?

And these holes in my teeth! Unfilled!

Didn't you get a filling?

She threw me out in the middle of drilling!

She threw you out?

Yeah! The drill kept getting stuck in my teeth!

The doctor said my teeth were too hard.

What? Too hard?

Yeah, my teeth!

I have hard teeth too. I think.

She kept trying different teeth

one by one and the drill kept stopping in each one!

She said I should just leave if I'm so stubborn!

Don't go in there!

Look Stefa, this damn drill won't work!

I can't help you.

I have to pull out his roots with these pliers.

I'm sorry, I'll just have to leave it like that!

You can see for yourself that it won't work.

Your teeth are just too hard.

But they shouldn't hurt anymore.

What are you doing?

They were kind of long and they stuck out, so I sawed them off.

Are you out of your mind? Weren't they healthy?

Yes.

You just sawed them off like I'm some kind of rabbit?

You have teeth like a wolf and an overbite like a rabbit.

One day your jaw would've gotten stuck forever.

How dare you talk to a rabbit, uh I mean, to a patient like that?!

What the hell are you thinking?!

OK, OK, just, just go away!

In the first movie they threw me off the set

because the director of photography had diarrhea.

Do you have a light?

Thank you.

We were making a movie about the war and we lived in a little village.

The DP had diarrhea, the whole time.

Right after he finished his soup he'd run to the outhouse.

Finally the munitions guy found a way to cure him.

I have an idea how to stop his diarrhea.

I think it's nerves.

Nothing physiological, just his nerves.

He doesn't really have diarrhea he just talks himself into it.

He developed this silly reaction, so we will generate

a reverse reaction

so he fears his diarrhea.

So every time he wants to go, he associates it with something bad.

We'll lift this a little and prop it up on two springs.

OK look, like this.

We'll stick this small nail in the top

and put another nail in the bottom.

We'll wire them to a battery and then to a detonator and explosives.

Then we'll drop it all here in the shit.

When the guy sits, the nails will touch each other,

the circuit will be complete and all hell will break loose.

The only thing is that you have to eat your soup fast,

so you can connect it all before the director runs out here.

- Me? Why me?! - And why me?

Twelve years ago I got my diploma from the Film Academy

with honors. As a reward from the government

I got an apartment.

So for almost 20 years I've been stuck in this city,

a city I hate with a passion.

20 years! And I still feel like a stranger here.

20 years of being eaten by this cancer of a city.

I'd rather be in exile.

So I started writing this song:

In exile in the city of Lodz Where running even hurts dogs.

Dad, what's this?

- Where did you find it? - In mom's drawer.

What were you looking for?

Money.

Have you finished your homework?

My son found a form for a mail-order bride the drawer.

"A wife for a Foreigner".

My wife borrows a magazine, from girlfriend who's married to

a businessman I studied Literature with at the University.

But they threw him out so now they can afford "Success".

What does that mean?

Just that when somebody good-looking shows up

I'll divorce you and leave with him.

With whom?

With him. Whoever he is. Even if he's Arab.

Even better. I've had enough of this misery.

Don't eavesdrop.

Oh, mom, can I sign up? How old do I have to be?

The sooner the better.

Wow! Cool!

So, you don't love me anymore?

What?

My wife didn't even understand what I was talking about.

And what about the children?

I'll take them.

What if I don't agree?

Then I won't - whatever.

So maybe we should get a divorce right now?

Sure, why not.

Every morning I wake up with the hope that today,

finally, it will happen.

What happened to Master & Margaret.

That I will walk out of my house and meet

a new love and that love will strike

us out of the blue and never leave us.

Half a stick of margarine, some cheese, and one bagel.

Is one enough?

No. What time do you get off?

8.00 PM

Take it off!

I can't. I didn't do my hair.

But I can't concentrate.

It's completely distracting!

I will show you something!

That's my husband!

He comes back from the army this spring!

And this, this is our daughter!

She's pretty.

But maybe by sleeping with these girls I am spoiling someone's girlfriend,

wife, or mother.

Mmm... Let's do it one more time, real quick.

I have to take my daughter to school soon.

Liliana? Oh. Lilka.

Everyone knew there wasn't a single girl he hadn't done.

No, no this is the right number.

Well first you have to make small talk with me.

Let's meet at the zoo. Why there?

I want to show you how pumas do it.

Don't laugh, this is important to the overall mood of the movie.

OK, bye bye!

What happened to you?

I think I'm gonna go.

They kicked me off the second movie because of an explosion too.

The central and most expensive scene in the movie

was a scene where a group of soldiers escaping from Germans

blow up a bridge after crossing it.

We had to build the bridge especially for the film

because we would destroy it, and it had to be real because

the whole army marched across it.

It took a lot of money to build.

Of course the director was very excited about the scene.

The scene could be shot only once

because the bridge could only blow up once.

The day we were to shoot the scene

the producer showed up on the set.

That had never happened before.

Good, it will hold.

We can roll film.

Ready to shoot, mister director.

Places! Army - to the other side!

This is a go!

People, pay attention because there are no re-takes.

Number two, you'd better stay here so you don't screw anything up.

I'll come back here to give the signal to blow the bridge!

On this side of the river there was only one cameraman left,

and me - the second director.

Lost and forgotten with no say whatsoever about the film.

There was another important person on this side...

the producer, watching everything from a distance.

I made a snap decision to impress him,

by showing how proactive and professional I was.

Especially after my previous accident

which he surely knew about, I wanted him to remember me well.

Good morning Mister Producer.

Hi. Is that the bridge?

Yes, that's it.

The bridge, Mister Producer.

When are you filming?

Shortly. Soon. High noon.

What?

Shortly. At noon. Everything is ready.

First the cavalry will cross the bridge, then they set off

the explosives and, the whole thing blows up.

The explosives, are all in place?

Of course, Mister Producer.

And who is going to set them off?

professional engineers, hired just for that.

And where they are?

Over there, at the bottom of that hill.

They're hidden in the bushes.

How are they going to know when to blow it up?

Do you have a special signal?

Yes, of course. We have a specific signal.

And? What is it?

The coordinator is going to take her cap off and hold it up in the air.

He didn't even look at me once. The whole time.

When she does that, they, will blow it up.

And they will notice her cap?

Oh yes, of course. It is a very visible sign.

Let me show you, look at me please.

This was this perfect occasion to show him my sincere attitude.

This was not the bridge.

Yes it... was, this one. Yes it was.

No!

Unfortunately it was, Mister Producer

No!

I only wanted to show you the...

No!

...the sign.

No! No!

They didn't kill me only because the whole group

was on the other side of the river.

13 years ago some jerk moved into the apartment under mine.

He was an actor and every day after work,

he drilled holes in the walls until late at night.

Today my friends are coming over with drills.

We're having a drilling party!

I must be crazy, looking at this plate.

I am a moron.

Look, they're showing some plate on TV and I'm staring at it.

There is no audio, no voice?

- No. - What happened?

I don't know. It just happened.

This isn't a special plate.

It's very ordinary, with flowers and birds.

I think they're showing how to make one like it.

It's crazy!

Finally I asked my ex-wife ... we only watch TV together...

are you looking at this plate too?

I am.

For 15 minutes we were looking at a plate

without audio, without voice.

I was kicked off another movie because of the forest.

It was so green all around.

Awfully.

Yes indeed.

The vegetation is lush this year.

How long are we still going to drive?

A little bit further.

How far have we,come about 50 kilometers?

Closer to 70, Mister Director.

70! How many more to go?

Another 20.

Still 20 more?

Maybe even 30, Mister Director.

Shit. You chose a location 100 km from our base?!

But it is supposed to be a good location, so...

For your sake it better be.

I think it's a very good one.

Here we are.

Hey, Assistant, wake up! Point out the location.

Here. This is it.

Here?

This?

Yes!

Where is it? Which direction?

Here?

How? What? This is it?

Are you telling me this location is within my sight?

Point it out to me. With your finger,

Tell me I'm not dreaming.

There.

There? What is it?

A forest.

Could you please tell me why the hell, I would need a forest?

Why? There is a forest in a screenplay.

In the screenplay? Find it for me in the screenplay.

Look how beautiful it is.

It says here: "When they reached the ridge they saw a forest. "

Turn the page over.

Oh, shit...

Read!

"They saw a forest of crosses".

Every day I hope that today I will meet my Margaret.

And we will talk like we will never leave each other;

like we will know each other for years.

And she will tell me we were in love even before we met;

that she walked out today with yellow flowers

just so I could find her.

I always knew that we would go to bed.

I only wondered when it would happen.

And are you safe today?

I don't know. I never know.

Julian was, the careful one he knew everything.

For long time after my divorce I didn't date anybody.

Once my girlfriend and I drove to some farmer

to buy a lamb for a barbecue.

When I went into his barn to pay him he suddenly

grabbed me and, you know, did it.

I had 4 orgasms one after another.

And him? Nothing!

He just pulled out and did my friend too, right after me.

I'm telling you: he was a real man.

And what do you think about these?

You choose the color black - for example.

Don't even show it to me!

I broke up with my first fianc�e

only because he offered me those things.

To be or not to be!

Be careful!

So we had fun didn't we?

I screwed my last movie myself.

It was another war movie with Germans or some such.

Again I was assistant director and we were just about to shoot

a scene that called for a lot of smoke,

but the wind was blowing it away and everyone was

frustrated with the movie and mad at the wind.

Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus,

Mister director!

Can we burn this dog and lay him in the burnt hut?

How do we burn him?

We will put him to sleep, burn him a little

and lay him down in the burnt hut.

Fuck off, I will put to sleep;

burn you and lay you down for the scene.

Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus,

You're all so compassionate. Mother fuckers.

What can I do? Where will I find a burnt dog?

Do I have to burn my own?

I can't lay down there myself!

Can't your assistant help make fumes?

More smoke, Miauczek! More smoke!

I hate being called Miauczek.

Hey, pyrotechnic! Give a tray to Mister Assistant Director!

Smoke! Smoke!

More!

Go Miauczek, go! Yes, you... go, go!

Miauczek, to the left!

Right!

Go, go! Now disappear!

Camera!

Shit! What am I doing here?

I am almost forty, I have two masters' and I'm running around with

a stupid smoke bomb in this fucking movie like some kind of dog.

Stop, Stop! Shit!

Second in track, second in Polish Language second in football

second in biology

And it will be like this until the fucking end!

Yes, I let my son curse.

Maybe he won't be as nervous as I am now.

I am in desperate need of love!

I want to be needed, be helpful, be useful for my beloved woman!

I was trying to start with very soft, delicate foreplay

I wanted to add something of myself.

It felt like no part of my person counted at all!

Despair!

After years of being second, I will finally be first.

I will make my own movie.

Hi Waldi, Adas speaking!

Adas? Long time no see!

What's up?

I would like to ask you to make a movie with me.

To be the cameraman for my film.

Wow! A humble beginning!

Something like that.

I'm interested!

Wait a moment, let me light my pipe

so I will have everything necessary for a conversation.

I just got out of the bath.

OK, now I am ready to listen to you.

What is the title of the film?

"To Draw By Hand"

Oh, I already see the crowds lining up.

Can you tell me what this movie will be about?

What it's about?

Yes, in short words.

You know, it's not that easy to say

because it doesn't have a classic plot.

It will be sort of a daydream.

Are you listening to me?

Yes, yes a daydream; everything is so far away.

Where is this dog's owner?

So, yes, something like daydreaming!

Yeah, yeah, that I know already.

Is it your doggie? Do you have a doggie?

No, no.

My pipe died.

Maybe from the rain?

What?

Nothing.

So, in this dream world the main character

talks with people from his imagination.

He has different hallucinations.

Yeah, you won't make any money on this...

You know: to have or to be!

Maybe you can find some balance. When would it start?

Right now.

Oh no, I'm so sorry, it's impossible.

I just finished one movie and I have to rest.

Good! So kiss your ass, man!

I am here in the rain, surrounded by wolves,

and one day we promised each other we'd make a movie...

But if not? Fine!

Miss Ella, is the boss around?

Nope.

The manager?

They're both gone, driven out.

Miss Ella, I decided not to make my movie.

I thought about it all night, ran it through a thousand times

and decided that I have to let go of my fantasy.

Which one is prettier?

- What? - Which color!

- I don't know - blue, I guess. - Good, I'll keep the blue one.

But I'm not sure if it's right for you.

It is right for you, isn't it?

I can't even find the courage to participate.

I have to defend my privacy somehow.

Please make up your mind!

Pink?

Because they will take all of them, all.

Pink, but...

OK. I'll take two pink ones.

I don't know how I will stand it, how I will survive

when I don't have any friends to hang out with

Mister director! Telephone for you.

Margaret!

No, no not that way! I will get excited...

anyone would, in this crowd of naughty men.

I have to be different, strong. Yes, very strong.

Good morning.

I exult in this free

and easy smile, sending natural greetings

without hurry even though I am hurried!

What are you talking about, you piece of shit!

Do you have a dick instead of a brain?

How long will you fuck around and keep me waiting?

Do it now, or I will cut your fucking head off.

Good.

Thank you.

I hope you won't you be mad at me if I take these off.

I don't want to wrinkle them.

I can't look at her because she's

so hot I can't stand it and I have to stay cool.

Do you have a light?

Do you have a light, please?

I can't look now because I will get so hot,

I will burn myself.

Do you have a light?

All my life I have dreamt about a lasting love.

I want to meet a woman to grow old with.

Are they your own?

My God!

How do you do it?

Incredible.

You must have very healthy lungs.

Do you live alone?

With my mom.

Won't she hear us?

Not if we stay quiet.

It's so dark, pitch black.

Are you sure she won't hear anything?

And will you respect me?

I will.

So, I found her, I am telling you she is incredible!

Will you marry her?

I don't know. She is very young and fresh;

a baby face, golden blond curls.

Interesting.

She makes a cute, sulky face after

she drinks something she doesn't like.

Why are you ringing?

Me? Am I ringing? I am sorry.

Oh, fuck you!

I am sorry. I only heard some stories.

But maybe they are only lies, innuendo.

Forty years I wasted away under communism.

Neurosis, brainwashing, sacrifice, degradation.

With democracy even more was destroyed.

So, what? Are you coming or not!

Why are you waiting? Were you expecting a ship?

Is it going up?

And where's it supposed to go to the right?

So listen.

Good morning. First of all.

I need two kinds of dicks in this movie.

Penises.

Two members.

Ah, male penises.

- Are there female ones? - No, no there are not.

- So what? - Please continue!

So one should be something like this.

That big?

No. I am only drawing how to attach it.

And how big? Regular size.

Please, don't get nervous.

Regular one. How big is an average penis?

- How long is yours. - What?!

- Haven't you never measured it? - I haven't. And you?

Me neither.

I've measured it but I don't know if it's small or average.

- I measured mine, too. - So?

Technician! 16, 14, 15 centimeters!

Good. And it should be elastic.

Like the real thing.

Toward your tummy and back.

So when he opens his fly it

jumps out to the vertical position.

- I mean, almost. - I understand.

So I think it should be attached with some kind

of band around the hips and scrotum and

I would give him some stretching underwear.

Those are my briefs!

Aren't you wearing your underwear?

No! I was going for a swim.

There are special very elastic, strong briefs

for dancers or athletes.

Anyway you will make a hole and the penis

will go through this hole.

The penis.

And the penis has to be securely attached.

It must be safe.

OK, OK, Mister director.

We will make the penis work.

It will be strong and safe.

But I think that this idea...

OK, OK that's my responsibility, I have it under control.

Cut camera!

Why are you showing your teeth?

I know that you are feeling ecstatic but why gnash your teeth?

Shit, this is hardly ecstasy!

The way they made this dick hurts my own dick!

Why?

This dick is attached with heavy wires and they poke my penis.

Show me!

When it jumps out through the hole it will cut my nuts off!

Fuck! I'll kill that guy!

We can't do anything now. You have to put up with it.

Maybe it won't cut your nuts off.

Thank you for you support.

Let's go! We are rolling!

Action!

The next dick should be pneumatic.

So it will grow when the main character is getting excited.

It will stand up!

What will stand up?

How will it stand up?

It doesn't stands up exactly, it just bulges

while it lays down. Like this.

It was only a metaphor.

Try using an inner tube closed at both ends

and connected to this pneumatic device.

It will swell with the character's excitement.

Mister Director.

Fuck the details! We'll make it work.

I understand exactly what are you talking about.

When she...

Can we play?

Please!

Because I have to leave for the airport in 15 minutes.

And I still have another stop to make.

Action!

Cut camera! What is going on with that dick?

It sounds like a leaking tube.

The air is getting out somehow.

Take this shit out.

I only have 10 minutes!

Let's shoot!

Camera!

What's going on?

Only 5 minutes!

Why she is drinking so much?

She hides a bottle in the washbowl.

If you had to show your ass for hours

you'd be drinking too, sweetheart!

The glue's dried out on this side, Mister director.

And who are you?

Taxi to take this lady to the airport.

One minute.

We won't get it filmed today.

Give me your pins.

It will ruin my hair, they spend an hour doing my head!

You're not playing with your head today, are you sweetie.

Let's roll, Adam!

Camera!

Adas, you wanted to escape from mommy!

Where did you want to go? Where?

You would miss me, you would cry!

And in the morning I leave again to meet my unknown beloved.

I don't know her face, but I already love her.

They say it's impossible to see your beloved's face clearly.

So I don't know what she will look like.

Hi!

Do you live here also?

Yes.

Me too. Cool place, isn't it?

Yeah, wonderful.

I hate this city.

Me too.

- Do you like my flowers? - No.

You're Margaret.

Yeah, Gosia.

Sure, Gosia,

I guess it was you I've been waiting for.

I've been waiting for you, too.

You are my last chance.

Margaret!!!

Fuck off!

This is my ex-husband, but we live together.

I'm afraid to make love with my fianc�e

or sleep in the same bed, for fear of farting.

My love for her keeps me in constant tension,

I have stomach aches and I fart all the time.

When we are apart the problem goes away.

Bu when we are together and about to make love

I am so nervous that I begin to fart.

Why are you pacing back and forth?

Why doesn't it ever happen to her?

Maybe she doesn't love me that much!

I love her and that's why I fart.

What?

I am afraid to come because I'll fart.

That is how my farting makes me lonely.

This is the Gentleman who...

My pleasure.

In general we have no problem, except for those two scenes.

We can let it pass only if you remove

the scenes with the genitalia.

With the penises, you mean.

Yes with penises, I am sorry.

But those are artificial genitalia.

Penises.

But they look real.

Isn't that acceptable?

Those are my best scenes!

Those are my conditions.

We have to cut these scenes out, mister director.

This is terrible! I'd rather they cut off my own...

No, don't exaggerate, mister director.

Your bed is in this small room.

Hi.

This is Margaret.

She's a Doberman, a bitch.

I had to put her here to avoid jealousy.

Don't drink here; dogs don't like alcohol.

And her? It makes her crazy.

Adas, I have to tell you something:

she likes to fart when she is doing it,

doesn't she?

I have no idea what to do now.

Of course, I passed in November,

that used to ruin my every relationship,

my every love. And now everything is over.

Remember every day is a fight, but keep some perspective!

Do not blame anybody for your own failures.

Try to do not get up with empty hands.

Dad fell again, I hear. What will we do with him?

We'll cut his head off.

I hate when anybody calls me "he"

Great! We'll cut dad's head off!

Sit on your father's legs.

What are you doing Beata! Sweetheart!

Now, you call me sweetheart! You'll see.

Ania, stop your mom.

Relax, dad.

Now his legs.

Bring a cleaver from the kitchen.

Hey! What are you doing?

Enough is enough. Finally.

Bring a cleaver!

Enough drinking.

You aren't serious.

OK, keep your father's head.

You will not do it!

You will die in prison. You will pay your price!

Any court would let me go free.

Cover father's head I hate blood.

And I stumbled.

All my life I was afraid of cancer, but I had this feeling that

I would die of heart attack.

I thought that I would pass away

after heavy drinking when somebody would scare me.

But I couldn't imagine dying from being hit with a shoe.

What I will tell God?

What am I representing? What is my balance?

Who am I?

A humanist without Latin nor ancient Greek.

An intellectual without English.

Do I know Russian? Just a few words.

And classical literature bores me.

I haven't read the Bible, only started Proust, didn't finish Joyce.

I didn't manage to see all the movies and plays I wanted to...

I didn't build a house, didn't grow a tree.

What happened?

We wanted to have some fun, but...

- How does it look like? - Perfect!

Perfect! Shit!

Goodbye, Adas.

So what now? The jokes are over.