All language subtitles for Nic Ümiesznego eng

Second, again! All my life,
I've always been second!

Even when I was first,
I felt second!

Damn, will I be second
in the afterlife, too?

I think I know him
from somewhere.

But from where?
TV, maybe?

Eh, you're joking!
But... yes! Me too!

Wasn't he on TV?

Wait! Remember those girls?
It was a teen beauty contest!

Yeah, sure! That one had
such big tits!

I think he scored...

What a story!
Are you sure?

It could be.

Sure! I think
that is the guy

who made the movies
about those chicks!

Jesus! A movie director!
He must have fucked a lot!

You think he did all of them?

- Hell yeah!
- No, really?

- I'm sure he did!
- Lucky guy!

Sure!

So what's his name?
Adam Miauczynski.

Look at his heels!
What's on them?

Scars!

He must have been
a happy guy!

Happy?
Why do you think so?

He must have rubbed
his feet out of joy!

Yeah, you're right
he was a happy guy.

Mmm, happy my ass.

Maybe we can make
him smile a little?

Let's see.

Shit, no way!
Look at his teeth.

In front some of them look OK
but the others are all ruined.

He must have brushed
them too much...

Hey man look at his dick!
It's black!

Oh shit,
a black dick!

How did that happen!?

He probably fucked
so much it turned black.

He lived well
I mean at least he had a life.

All my life nothing funny
ever happened to me.

Nothing FUNNY

I was born at that dreaded time
of day just before dawn,

a time I hate as much as
I hate twilight.

And those stupid nurses left me alone
with my diapers wet.

So I cried for hours
rubbing my heels against each other.

That's how I got these scars.
I've had them ever since

and they were no more useful
during communism than they are now.

My parents always
argued with each other.

They even argued
about my name.

Adam, Adas.

Michal.

I'd prefer Michal

- Adas, damn it!
- I hate that name!

A- das

Stop arguing!

Of course I didn't say that
when I was a baby

but even then
something inside me screamed

and kept on
screaming all my life.

Oh, gross.

I was the second kid
and my parents wanted a girl.

My little girl,
my girl.

Hi baby brother!

My brother Miki used to hit me
on the back of my head,

instead of saying hello.

Hi baby brother.

What!
Are you stupid?

Because of my brother
I developed this nervous tick.

My life is filled with
this kind of shit.

I studied film because
I wanted to be famous,

have a beautiful car,
beautiful women, and lots of money!

Look at my orange piece of junk.

Oh god! When I think that
the best years of my life

are passing me by in this
rattletrap piece of shit!

Oh sweet Jesus!
So what!

Living like this until
sixty, and then what?

And these holes in my teeth!
Unfilled!

Didn't you get a
filling?

She threw me out in
the middle of drilling!

She threw you out?

Yeah! The drill
kept getting stuck in my teeth!

The doctor said my
teeth were too hard.

What? Too hard?

Yeah, my teeth!

I have hard teeth too.
I think.

She kept trying
different teeth

one by one and the drill
kept stopping in each one!

She said I should just leave
if I'm so stubborn!

Don't go in there!

Look Stefa, this damn drill
won't work!

I can't help you.

I have to pull out his roots
with these pliers.

I'm sorry, I'll just
have to leave it like that!

You can see for yourself
that it won't work.

Your teeth are
just too hard.

But they shouldn't
hurt anymore.

What are you doing?

They were kind of long and
they stuck out, so I sawed them off.

Are you out of your mind?
Weren't they healthy?

Yes.

You just sawed them off like
I'm some kind of rabbit?

You have teeth like a wolf
and an overbite like a rabbit.

One day your jaw would've
gotten stuck forever.

How dare you talk to a rabbit,
uh I mean, to a patient like that?!

What the hell
are you thinking?!

OK, OK, just,
just go away!

In the first movie
they threw me off the set

because the director of
photography had diarrhea.

Do you have a light?

Thank you.

We were making a movie about the war
and we lived in a little village.

The DP had diarrhea,
the whole time.

Right after he finished
his soup he'd run to the outhouse.

Finally the munitions guy
found a way to cure him.

I have an idea
how to stop his diarrhea.

I think it's nerves.

Nothing physiological,
just his nerves.

He doesn't really have diarrhea
he just talks himself into it.

He developed this silly reaction,
so we will generate

a reverse reaction

so he fears
his diarrhea.

So every time he wants to go,
he associates it with something bad.

We'll lift this a little and
prop it up on two springs.

OK look, like this.

We'll stick this small nail
in the top

and put another nail
in the bottom.

We'll wire them to a battery
and then to a detonator and explosives.

Then we'll drop it all
here in the shit.

When the guy sits,
the nails will touch each other,

the circuit will be complete
and all hell will break loose.

The only thing is that you
have to eat your soup fast,

so you can connect it all
before the director runs out here.

- Me? Why me?!
- And why me?

Twelve years ago
I got my diploma from the Film Academy

with honors.
As a reward from the government

I got an apartment.

So for almost 20 years
I've been stuck in this city,

a city I hate
with a passion.

20 years! And I still
feel like a stranger here.

20 years of being eaten
by this cancer of a city.

I'd rather be in exile.

So I started
writing this song:

In exile in the city of Lodz
Where running even hurts dogs.

Dad, what's this?

- Where did you find it?
- In mom's drawer.

What were you
looking for?

Money.

Have you finished
your homework?

My son found a form for a
mail-order bride the drawer.

"A wife for a Foreigner".

My wife borrows a magazine,
from girlfriend who's married to

a businessman I studied
Literature with at the University.

But they threw him out
so now they can afford "Success".

What does that mean?

Just that when somebody
good-looking shows up

I'll divorce you and
leave with him.

With whom?

With him. Whoever he is.
Even if he's Arab.

Even better. I've had
enough of this misery.

Don't eavesdrop.

Oh, mom, can I sign up?
How old do I have to be?

The sooner the better.

Wow! Cool!

So, you don't
love me anymore?

What?

My wife didn't even understand
what I was talking about.

And what about
the children?

I'll take them.

What if I don't agree?

Then I won't - whatever.

So maybe we should get
a divorce right now?

Sure, why not.

Every morning I wake up
with the hope that today,

finally,
it will happen.

What happened
to Master & Margaret.

That I will walk out
of my house and meet

a new love and
that love will strike

us out of the blue and
never leave us.

Half a stick of margarine,
some cheese, and one bagel.

Is one enough?

No. What time
do you get off?

8.00 PM

Take it off!

I can't.
I didn't do my hair.

But I can't concentrate.

It's completely distracting!

I will show you something!

That's my husband!

He comes back
from the army this spring!

And this,
this is our daughter!

She's pretty.

But maybe by sleeping with these girls
I am spoiling someone's girlfriend,

wife, or mother.

Mmm... Let's do it
one more time, real quick.

I have to take my daughter
to school soon.

Liliana?
Oh. Lilka.

Everyone knew there wasn't
a single girl he hadn't done.

No, no this is
the right number.

Well first you have to
make small talk with me.

Let's meet at the zoo.
Why there?

I want to show you
how pumas do it.

Don't laugh, this is important to
the overall mood of the movie.

OK, bye bye!

What happened to you?

I think I'm gonna go.

They kicked me off the second movie
because of an explosion too.

The central and most
expensive scene in the movie

was a scene where a group of
soldiers escaping from Germans

blow up a bridge
after crossing it.

We had to build the bridge
especially for the film

because we would destroy it, and
it had to be real because

the whole army
marched across it.

It took a lot of money
to build.

Of course the director
was very excited about the scene.

The scene could be
shot only once

because the bridge could
only blow up once.

The day we were
to shoot the scene

the producer
showed up on the set.

That had never
happened before.

Good, it will hold.

We can roll film.

Ready to shoot,
mister director.

Places!
Army - to the other side!

This is a go!

People, pay attention because
there are no re-takes.

Number two, you'd better stay here
so you don't screw anything up.

I'll come back here to give
the signal to blow the bridge!

On this side of the river
there was only one cameraman left,

and me - the
second director.

Lost and forgotten with no say
whatsoever about the film.

There was another important
person on this side...

the producer, watching
everything from a distance.

I made a snap decision
to impress him,

by showing how proactive
and professional I was.

Especially after my
previous accident

which he surely knew about, I wanted
him to remember me well.

Good morning Mister
Producer.

Hi.
Is that the bridge?

Yes, that's it.

The bridge,
Mister Producer.

When are you filming?

Shortly. Soon.
High noon.

What?

Shortly. At noon.
Everything is ready.

First the cavalry will cross
the bridge, then they set off

the explosives and,
the whole thing blows up.

The explosives,
are all in place?

Of course,
Mister Producer.

And who is going
to set them off?

professional engineers,
hired just for that.

And where they are?

Over there, at the
bottom of that hill.

They're hidden
in the bushes.

How are they going to
know when to blow it up?

Do you
have a special signal?

Yes, of course. We have a
specific signal.

And? What is it?

The coordinator is going to take her
cap off and hold it up in the air.

He didn't even look at me once.
The whole time.

When she does that,
they, will blow it up.

And they will
notice her cap?

Oh yes, of course.
It is a very visible sign.

Let me show you,
look at me please.

This was this perfect occasion
to show him my sincere attitude.

This was not the bridge.

Yes it... was,
this one. Yes it was.

No!

Unfortunately it was,
Mister Producer

No!

I only wanted
to show you the...

No!

...the sign.

No! No!

They didn't kill me
only because the whole group

was on the other
side of the river.

13 years ago some jerk moved
into the apartment under mine.

He was an actor
and every day after work,

he drilled holes in the walls
until late at night.

Today my friends are
coming over with drills.

We're having
a drilling party!

I must be crazy,
looking at this plate.

I am a moron.

Look, they're showing some
plate on TV and I'm staring at it.

There is no audio,
no voice?

- No.
- What happened?

I don't know.
It just happened.

This isn't a
special plate.

It's very ordinary,
with flowers and birds.

I think they're showing how
to make one like it.

It's crazy!

Finally I asked my ex-wife
... we only watch TV together...

are you looking
at this plate too?

I am.

For 15 minutes we were
looking at a plate

without audio,
without voice.

I was kicked off another movie
because of the forest.

It was so green all around.

Awfully.

Yes indeed.

The vegetation is
lush this year.

How long are we still
going to drive?

A little bit further.

How far have we,come
about 50 kilometers?

Closer to 70,
Mister Director.

70! How many
more to go?

Another 20.

Still 20 more?

Maybe even 30,
Mister Director.

Shit. You chose a location
100 km from our base?!

But it is supposed to be
a good location, so...

For your sake it
better be.

I think it's
a very good one.

Here we are.

Hey, Assistant, wake up!
Point out the location.

Here.
This is it.

Here?

This?

Yes!

Where is it?
Which direction?

Here?

How? What?
This is it?

Are you telling me
this location is within my sight?

Point it out to me.
With your finger,

Tell me
I'm not dreaming.

There.

There?
What is it?

A forest.

Could you please tell me why
the hell, I would need a forest?

Why? There is a forest
in a screenplay.

In the screenplay?
Find it for me in the screenplay.

Look how beautiful it is.

It says here: "When they reached
the ridge they saw a forest. "

Turn the page over.

Oh, shit...

Read!

"They saw a forest
of crosses".

Every day I hope
that today I will meet my Margaret.

And we will talk like we will
never leave each other;

like we will know
each other for years.

And she will tell me we were
in love even before we met;

that she walked out
today with yellow flowers

just so I could find her.

I always knew that
we would go to bed.

I only wondered
when it would happen.

And are you safe today?

I don't know.
I never know.

Julian was, the careful one
he knew everything.

For long time after my divorce
I didn't date anybody.

Once my girlfriend and I
drove to some farmer

to buy a lamb for a barbecue.

When I went into his barn
to pay him he suddenly

grabbed me and,
you know, did it.

I had 4 orgasms
one after another.

And him?
Nothing!

He just pulled out and did my
friend too, right after me.

I'm telling you:
he was a real man.

And what do you
think about these?

You choose the color
black - for example.

Don't even
show it to me!

I broke up with
my first fianc�e

only because
he offered me those things.

To be or not to be!

Be careful!

So we had fun didn't we?

I screwed my
last movie myself.

It was another war movie
with Germans or some such.

Again I was assistant director
and we were just about to shoot

a scene that called for
a lot of smoke,

but the wind was blowing it away
and everyone was

frustrated with the movie
and mad at the wind.

Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus,

Mister director!

Can we burn this dog
and lay him in the burnt hut?

How do we burn him?

We will put him to sleep,
burn him a little

and lay him
down in the burnt hut.

Fuck off,
I will put to sleep;

burn you and lay you down
for the scene.

Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus,

You're all so compassionate.
Mother fuckers.

What can I do?
Where will I find a burnt dog?

Do I have to
burn my own?

I can't lay down
there myself!

Can't your assistant
help make fumes?

More smoke, Miauczek!
More smoke!

I hate being
called Miauczek.

Hey, pyrotechnic! Give a tray
to Mister Assistant Director!

Smoke! Smoke!

More!

Go Miauczek, go!
Yes, you... go, go!

Miauczek, to the left!

Right!

Go, go! Now disappear!

Camera!

Shit!
What am I doing here?

I am almost forty, I have two masters'
and I'm running around with

a stupid smoke bomb in this
fucking movie like some kind of dog.

Stop, Stop!
Shit!

Second in track, second in Polish Language
second in football

second in biology

And it will be like
this until the fucking end!

Yes, I let my son curse.

Maybe he won't be
as nervous as I am now.

I am in desperate
need of love!

I want to be needed, be helpful,
be useful for my beloved woman!

I was trying to start
with very soft, delicate foreplay

I wanted to
add something of myself.

It felt like no
part of my person counted at all!

Despair!

After years of being second,
I will finally be first.

I will make my own movie.

Hi Waldi,
Adas speaking!

Adas?
Long time no see!

What's up?

I would like to ask you
to make a movie with me.

To be the cameraman
for my film.

Wow!
A humble beginning!

Something like that.

I'm interested!

Wait a moment,
let me light my pipe

so I will have everything
necessary for a conversation.

I just got out of
the bath.

OK, now I am ready
to listen to you.

What is the title of the film?

"To Draw By Hand"

Oh, I already see the
crowds lining up.

Can you tell me
what this movie will be about?

What it's about?

Yes, in short words.

You know,
it's not that easy to say

because it doesn't
have a classic plot.

It will be sort
of a daydream.

Are you listening to me?

Yes, yes a daydream;
everything is so far away.

Where is this dog's owner?

So, yes, something
like daydreaming!

Yeah, yeah,
that I know already.

Is it your doggie?
Do you have a doggie?

No, no.

My pipe died.

Maybe from the rain?

What?

Nothing.

So, in this dream world
the main character

talks with people
from his imagination.

He has different hallucinations.

Yeah, you won't
make any money on this...

You know:
to have or to be!

Maybe you can find some balance.
When would it start?

Right now.

Oh no, I'm so sorry,
it's impossible.

I just finished one
movie and I have to rest.

Good!
So kiss your ass, man!

I am here in the rain,
surrounded by wolves,

and one day we promised
each other we'd make a movie...

But if not? Fine!

Miss Ella, is the boss around?

Nope.

The manager?

They're both gone,
driven out.

Miss Ella, I decided
not to make my movie.

I thought about it all night,
ran it through a thousand times

and decided that I have to let go
of my fantasy.

Which one is prettier?

- What?
- Which color!

- I don't know - blue, I guess.
- Good, I'll keep the blue one.

But I'm not sure
if it's right for you.

It is right for you, isn't it?

I can't even find the
courage to participate.

I have to defend
my privacy somehow.

Please make up your mind!

Pink?

Because they will
take all of them, all.

Pink, but...

OK. I'll take
two pink ones.

I don't know how I will stand it,
how I will survive

when I don't have any friends
to hang out with

Mister director!
Telephone for you.

Margaret!

No, no not that way!
I will get excited...

anyone would,
in this crowd of naughty men.

I have to be different,
strong. Yes, very strong.

Good morning.

I exult in
this free

and easy smile, sending
natural greetings

without hurry even
though I am hurried!

What are you talking about,
you piece of shit!

Do you have a dick instead
of a brain?

How long will you fuck around
and keep me waiting?

Do it now, or I will cut
your fucking head off.

Good.

Thank you.

I hope you won't you be mad at me
if I take these off.

I don't want
to wrinkle them.

I can't look at her
because she's

so hot I can't stand it
and I have to stay cool.

Do you have a light?

Do you have a light, please?

I can't look now because
I will get so hot,

I will burn myself.

Do you have a light?

All my life I have dreamt
about a lasting love.

I want to meet a woman
to grow old with.

Are they your own?

My God!

How do you do it?

Incredible.

You must have
very healthy lungs.

Do you live alone?

With my mom.

Won't she hear us?

Not if we
stay quiet.

It's so dark, pitch black.

Are you sure
she won't hear anything?

And will you respect me?

I will.

So, I found her, I am telling you
she is incredible!

Will you marry her?

I don't know. She is very young
and fresh;

a baby face,
golden blond curls.

Interesting.

She makes a cute,
sulky face after

she drinks something
she doesn't like.

Why are you ringing?

Me? Am I ringing?
I am sorry.

Oh, fuck you!

I am sorry. I only
heard some stories.

But maybe they are
only lies, innuendo.

Forty years I wasted away
under communism.

Neurosis, brainwashing,
sacrifice, degradation.

With democracy
even more was destroyed.

So, what?
Are you coming or not!

Why are you waiting?
Were you expecting a ship?

Is it going up?

And where's it supposed to go
to the right?

So listen.

Good morning.
First of all.

I need two kinds of dicks
in this movie.

Penises.

Two members.

Ah, male penises.

- Are there female ones?
- No, no there are not.

- So what?
- Please continue!

So one should be
something like this.

That big?

No. I am only drawing
how to attach it.

And how big?
Regular size.

Please,
don't get nervous.

Regular one.
How big is an average penis?

- How long is yours.
- What?!

- Haven't you never measured it?
- I haven't. And you?

Me neither.

I've measured it but I don't know
if it's small or average.

- I measured mine, too.
- So?

Technician! 16, 14,
15 centimeters!

Good.
And it should be elastic.

Like the real thing.

Toward your
tummy and back.

So when he
opens his fly it

jumps out to
the vertical position.

- I mean, almost.
- I understand.

So I think it should be
attached with some kind

of band around the hips and
scrotum and

I would give him
some stretching underwear.

Those are my briefs!

Aren't you
wearing your underwear?

No!
I was going for a swim.

There are special very
elastic, strong briefs

for dancers or athletes.

Anyway you will make
a hole and the penis

will go
through this hole.

The penis.

And the penis
has to be securely attached.

It must be safe.

OK, OK,
Mister director.

We will make the penis work.

It will be
strong and safe.

But I think
that this idea...

OK, OK that's my responsibility,
I have it under control.

Cut camera!

Why are you
showing your teeth?

I know that you are feeling ecstatic
but why gnash your teeth?

Shit, this is
hardly ecstasy!

The way they made this dick
hurts my own dick!

Why?

This dick is attached with
heavy wires and they poke my penis.

Show me!

When it jumps out through the hole
it will cut my nuts off!

Fuck!
I'll kill that guy!

We can't do anything now.
You have to put up with it.

Maybe it won't cut
your nuts off.

Thank you for you support.

Let's go!
We are rolling!

Action!

The next dick
should be pneumatic.

So it will grow when the
main character is getting excited.

It will stand up!

What will stand up?

How will it stand up?

It doesn't stands up
exactly, it just bulges

while it lays down.
Like this.

It was only a metaphor.

Try using an inner tube
closed at both ends

and connected to this
pneumatic device.

It will swell with the
character's excitement.

Mister Director.

Fuck the details!
We'll make it work.

I understand exactly
what are you talking about.

When she...

Can we play?

Please!

Because I have to leave
for the airport in 15 minutes.

And I still have
another stop to make.

Action!

Cut camera!
What is going on with that dick?

It sounds like
a leaking tube.

The air is getting out
somehow.

Take this shit out.

I only have
10 minutes!

Let's shoot!

Camera!

What's going on?

Only 5 minutes!

Why she is
drinking so much?

She hides a bottle
in the washbowl.

If you had to
show your ass for hours

you'd be drinking too,
sweetheart!

The glue's dried out on
this side, Mister director.

And who are you?

Taxi to take this lady
to the airport.

One minute.

We won't get it filmed today.

Give me your pins.

It will ruin my hair,
they spend an hour doing my head!

You're not playing with your head today,
are you sweetie.

Let's roll, Adam!

Camera!

Adas, you wanted
to escape from mommy!

Where did you want to go?
Where?

You would miss me,
you would cry!

And in the morning I leave again
to meet my unknown beloved.

I don't know her face, but I
already love her.

They say it's impossible
to see your beloved's face clearly.

So I don't know
what she will look like.

Hi!

Do you live here also?

Yes.

Me too.
Cool place, isn't it?

Yeah, wonderful.

I hate this city.

Me too.

- Do you like my flowers?
- No.

You're Margaret.

Yeah, Gosia.

Sure, Gosia,

I guess it was you
I've been waiting for.

I've been waiting
for you, too.

You are my last chance.

Margaret!!!

Fuck off!

This is my ex-husband,
but we live together.

I'm afraid to make love
with my fianc�e

or sleep in the same bed,
for fear of farting.

My love for her
keeps me in constant tension,

I have stomach aches
and I fart all the time.

When we are apart
the problem goes away.

Bu when we are together
and about to make love

I am so nervous that
I begin to fart.

Why are you pacing
back and forth?

Why doesn't it ever
happen to her?

Maybe she doesn't
love me that much!

I love her and
that's why I fart.

What?

I am afraid to come
because I'll fart.

That is how my farting
makes me lonely.

This is the
Gentleman who...

My pleasure.

In general we have no problem,
except for those two scenes.

We can let it pass
only if you remove

the scenes
with the genitalia.

With the penises, you mean.

Yes with penises,
I am sorry.

But those are artificial
genitalia.

Penises.

But they look real.

Isn't that acceptable?

Those are my best scenes!

Those are my conditions.

We have to cut
these scenes out, mister director.

This is terrible! I'd rather
they cut off my own...

No, don't exaggerate,
mister director.

Your bed is in
this small room.

Hi.

This is
Margaret.

She's a Doberman, a bitch.

I had to put her here
to avoid jealousy.

Don't drink here;
dogs don't like alcohol.

And her?
It makes her crazy.

Adas, I have to
tell you something:

she likes to fart
when she is doing it,

doesn't she?

I have no idea
what to do now.

Of course,
I passed in November,

that used to ruin
my every relationship,

my every love.
And now everything is over.

Remember every day is a fight,
but keep some perspective!

Do not blame anybody
for your own failures.

Try to do not get up
with empty hands.

Dad fell again, I hear.
What will we do with him?

We'll cut his head off.

I hate when anybody
calls me "he"

Great! We'll cut
dad's head off!

Sit on your
father's legs.

What are you doing Beata!
Sweetheart!

Now, you call me sweetheart!
You'll see.

Ania, stop your mom.

Relax, dad.

Now his legs.

Bring a cleaver from the kitchen.

Hey!
What are you doing?

Enough is enough.
Finally.

Bring a cleaver!

Enough drinking.

You aren't serious.

OK,
keep your father's head.

You will not do it!

You will die in prison.
You will pay your price!

Any court would
let me go free.

Cover father's head
I hate blood.

And I stumbled.

All my life I was afraid of cancer,
but I had this feeling that

I would die
of heart attack.

I thought that
I would pass away

after heavy drinking
when somebody would scare me.

But I couldn't imagine dying
from being hit with a shoe.

What I will tell God?

What am I representing?
What is my balance?

Who am I?

A humanist without
Latin nor ancient Greek.

An intellectual
without English.

Do I know Russian?
Just a few words.

And classical literature
bores me.

I haven't read the Bible, only started
Proust, didn't finish Joyce.

I didn't manage to see all
the movies and plays I wanted to...

I didn't build a house,
didn't grow a tree.

What happened?

We wanted to have
some fun, but...

- How does it look like?
- Perfect!

Perfect! Shit!

Goodbye, Adas.

So what now?
The jokes are over.