All language subtitles for Mr Hobbs Takes a Vacation (1962) 1080p BluRay H264 AAC-RARBG EN

[Man Narrating]
The marvel of our time, I guess,
is the exploration of outer space.

Man is, for the first time,
leaving the face of the Earth.

In the name of science,
diplomacy and technology,

we're getting off the planet.

However, the real reason
for this exploration is a simple one,

and I, Roger Hobbs
of St. Louis, Missouri,

have discovered this reason.

It's too damn crowded down here.

[ Horns Honking ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Passengers Coughing ]

[ Man Coughs ]

Oh, welcome back, Mr. Hobbs.

Thank you, Ellen.
Glad to be back.
Did you have a nice vacation?

Wonderful.

[ Buzzing ]

Uh, I want you
to take something.

This goes to Mrs. Hobbs,

not to be opened
until after my death.

Is this going to be
a long one or a short one?
I don't know yet.

Then I'd better get another book.
I've only a few pages left
in this one.

My darling Peggy,

when you read this, I―
Oh.

I'm sorry, but I remembered
when you were dictating that one
about Mrs. Hobbs's brother―

what you really thought of him―

it was so long,
I ran right out of the book.

Uh-huh. Yeah, well―

All right. Are you ready?

My darling Peggy,
by the time you read this,

I'll be in an urn
at Woodlawn Memorial Park Cemetery,

so let me make it clear
from the very beginning...

that notwithstanding
what I may say here and now,

I loved you to the end
and with all my heart.

Paragraph.

"With all my heart. Paragraph."

Please don't think
I was hasty.

I was just like any other normal,
red-blooded American gopher...

who works in a big city...

living underground
most of the time.

Naturally, I liked the idea
of a little fresh air.

- Paragraph?
- Paragraph.

This is simply to explain to you...

why, after last month,

you never again
were able to suck me in...

to another gay, happy,
carefree vacation...

with the family―

may god bless and keep
each and every one of them...

individually.

Paragraph.

Even now,
there is no man alive...

who believes
more devoutly than I do...

that the family is the rock...

upon which civilization is built.

But speaking to you now
from beyond the grave,

let me say to you, frankly,

that I had rather stay on
as a gopher...

than be trapped with my family...

for a whole month
in the same house.

Paragraph.

I also agree heartily
with all modern authorities...

that there is no more sacred
obligation in life...

than a lasting communication
between parents and children,

but from now on, I'm going
to see if I can't manage mine
by long distance,

and the longer, the better.

- Paragraph?
- No paragraph.

It's not that I don't love them,
you understand.

It's just that the day finally arrives
when a man simply hasn't
got the strength...

to handle all the jams
his children get themselves into.

[Hobbs Narrating]
Sailing date: June second.

Remember last June, Peggy?

I called you from the office
that it was all set for a month's vacation?

Well, what I had in mind, darn it,

was a month off just for you and me.

Just a couple of old smoothies
on the loose again,

communicating
with nobody but each other
and an occasional deck steward.

[ TV. Gunfire ]

[ Galloping Hoofbeats ]

I can't see.
Good evening.

Oh, hello. Would you mind
moving over a little bit, please?

How would you like
to spend next month
on a real Western dude ranch?

No, thanks.
That's what you think, buster.

[ Gunshot]
[Man Screams ]

Will you listen―
Will you listen for just
one minute, darling?

Aw, hang up, Mother.
Tell 'em father's home drunk
and needs looking after.

It's Katey, long distance.
Well, what's―
There's nothing wrong, is there?

Oh, you bet there is.
She doesn't want to go to Emerald Bay.

It is not stupid, Katey,

and I must say
that it's not very bright of you...

to keep describing
every place in the world
that's not Paris as stupid.

Now― Now, will you listen
to me for one second?

Paris?
Wh-What about Paris?

Oh, she and three other girls
out of her class have cooked up
some crazy notion...

of gallivanting all over Europe
this summer.

But how in the world
are you going to pay for it, Katey?

Yeah, I'd sort of
be interested in the answer
to that one myself.

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, no, darling.

She says that you can lend it to her,
and she'll pay it back weekly out
of her allowance, with interest.

By golly, you really
got to hand it to the kid
for trying, don't you?

- How much interest?
- [Katey] Mother!

Mother. Mother!

Positively weird, both of them.

You should see my mother.
Absolutely weird!

I have never seen anybody
as weird as my mother.

They're all... so insecure.

That's right.

Mother? Now, really, I can't―

I'm sorry, darling,
but it's out of the question,
and that's all there is to it.

I have to hang up now
because we have a call
coming in from Susie.

Hugs and kisses, darling.
Good-bye now.
Mom!

[Line Clicks ]
Mother?

- She hung up.
- How weird.

Oh, they're weird,
I'll tell you.

Positively weird.
[ Sighs ]

Well, what's this
Emerald Bay business?

Well, the Nickersons
are letting us have
their beach house there for August.

It's right on the water,
just south of San Francisco.
You mean for the children?

For all of us.
It's big enough
for the whole family.

Wait a minute, honey.
Just wait― wait―
Oh, I know, I know.

This is the chance of a lifetime
for an old-fashioned
family get-together,

and we mustn't be selfish
about it.

But, honey,
that wasn't the idea at all.

Do you realize that this may be
the last time we'll ever be able
to be all together again?

That's what you say every time,
and I admit it's a very
attractive prospect.

Oh, Rog, the way you talk,
people would think that you
don't love your children.

Oh, I love 'em dearly,
just from different distances.

For instance,
I've never loved Katey
as much in my life...

as I have since
she enrolled at that school
900 miles away.

Has it ever occurred to you
that maybe Katey needs you?

Needs me? She gets sick
at her stomach every time
she looks at me.

That's exactly what I mean.

We're losing our children, Rog,
and do you know whose fault it is?

Ours.
All right. Where did we fail?

Well, we haven't kept
in close touch with our children.

We haven't actually shared with them
in all of their problems and pleasures.

Honey, I don't know about that.

All I know is
that Katey doesn't need me...

and Susie doesn't need me
and Janie doesn't need me.

Danny only needs me
to pick up a copy of Playboy
for him every month.

[ Phone Rings ]
[ Gasps ]

That must be Susie.

Hello? Hello, Susie.

She had to talk to Stan
about it first.

You mean
you're asking them too?
Yes, I'll hold it.

Did you notice how pale
those children looked
in these last pictures?

Honey, everybody
looks pale in snapshots.
Even cannibals look―

The whole thing's getting
all out of hand,

with a whole pack of babies
joining in.

What do you mean, "whole pack"?
She's got exactly two children.

You sure?

Come in, Brenda.
Oh, hello, Brenda.

What did he say, darling?

Oh, he did?

But that would spoil
the whole idea.

Your father simply lives
for those children,

and Janie's bringing Junior.

They can all play
on the beach together.

How's Peewee?

Oh, she is?
Well, she didn't
hurt herself, did she?

[Hobbs Narrating]
As Mr. Hobbs counted up his tribe,

his spirits began to rise
in eager anticipation...

of that happy reunion by the sea.

Doesn't this remind you
of Finland, Brenda?

[ Nordic Accent ]
Worse.
Oh, just you wait.

You're going to love it.

Aren't you beginning
to get excited too, Rog?

Yeah, I think
it's gonna be all right.

Do you know what we've got to do?
What?

This month,
while we're all together―

the whole family really living
and playing together―

we've got to teach our children
what a family really is,

that the members of a family
aren't separate people
like passengers on a bus,

but a single unit―
one for all and all for one.

Don't you think?
You bet.

And if we can do that,
it wouldn't surprise me one bit...

if this trip brought us all closer together
than we ever dreamed we could be.

[ Clattering ]
[ Katey ]
You little beast!

Keep your big foot
off my television set.
It isn't on your TV.

You're scratching―
Mother, have you no control
over this child?

Danny, cut it out.
All right, break!

You know, I was reading
in a woman's magazine
someplace―

I don't know.

We got one consolation.

In the whole history of the world,
there's never been a child
brought up right.

[ Katey ]
Oh, now, really, Mother.

[ Hobbs ]
Now, wait a minute, kid.

I knew it'd be weird,
but not this weird.
Take it easy now.

Let Mother speak first.

Did you ever see anything
so enchanting in all your life?

I don't see any aerial.
I "tank" people go crazy
in a place like this.

I'm not gonna stay here.
That's all there is to it.

You're not only going to stay,
you're going to help get some
of this stuff into the house.

Now, everybody grab something,
and let's get some organization
into this deal.

If― If this house
was good enough
for Edgar Allan Poe,

it's good enough for us.

I'm sure it's better inside.

Can we get an aerial
tonight, Dad?
No.

Maybe I can make one.

Everybody stand back
in case of bats.

[ Hinges Creak ]

Where's the switch? Switch?

Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

Isn't it wonderful?

Netta Nickerson says
that most of the houses
out this way...

haven't any conveniences
at all.

I haven't seen a bulb like that
since I was seven years old.

Dad, really,
what are we going to do
in a place like this?

But a bulb this weak,
you can't even call it a light.

It's a dark.

You turn that thing on
in the middle of the day,
the whole room goes black.

Must be simply glorious
in here when the sun is out.

Oops.
[ Chuckles ]

Seems to be stuck a little.

When we get an aerial,
would you like to look
at some TV with me?

Danny, don't be
positively infantile.

Wait a minute, Katey.
That was a very nice invitation.

Why don't you be polite
about it?

If no one has any objections,
I'm going to take a bath.

That's a very good idea, Katey.

After a good, hot bath,
we'll all feel 100% better.

Just as soon as your dad
gets the pressure up.

Soon as Dad gets what?
Well, here it is.

What is it?
The instructions
for starting up the pump.

Mr. Saltonstall, the plumber,
left it for you.

Come along, children.

- We'll get the bags out of the car.
- Wait a minute.

- I've never even seen a pump,
except in the movies.
- Now, really, Dad.

No, come on over here.
Take a look at this thing.

What kind of a pump is it?

"Directions for starting the pump."

Well, this seems pretty clear.
Let's see.

"This pump is very simple,
and should start easy.

Open green priming valve
and pour in bucket of water.
Close valve.

Open green intake valve
and shut red return valve.

Open green supply valve
and close red.

Choke butterfly on carburetor
and open throttle.

Start motor.

Engage clutch, and motor will start.

If it doesn't,
you did something wrong.

Also, be sure and adjust throttle
to maintain 50 pounds pressure...

or else you'll blow up
the whole damn place."

Anybody who wants to take
a bath around here tonight...

can go jump in the Pacific Ocean.

[ Sniffling ]

Honey, would you feel better if I went out
and gave that butterfly valve a twist now?

Oh, Rog, darling.

Did you ever see anyplace
quite so horrible?

Not since Dragonwyck.

Did you take a look
into that kitchen?

No, and I'm not going up
in the attic either...

until all that sobbing
and moaning stops.

Isn't it awful?

All those chains dragging
across the floor.

Yeah, what's that old woman
cackling about?
Listen to her.

[ TV. Horse Whinnying]

[ Gunfire ]

There's no aerial.

[ Galloping Hoofbeats ]

[ Gunfire ]

[ Yelps ]

There's that fella that gets
shot off his horse every time,

right in front of the camera.

That hombre
can really bounce, can't he?

"Highest bounce in the West,"
they call him.

Can't be long now.
Yeah.

Here we go.
Five, four, three, two, one.

[ Gunshot]
[Man Screams ]

There he goes.

Poor old Black Bart.
Shot him right through the heart.

Well, he should never
have killed Tom's kid brother.

We're gonna make a home
out of this place yet, honey.

[ Chuckles ]

Good night, sweetie.
Good night.

[ Gunfire, Hoofbeats Continue ]

[ Exhaling ]

Boy!

[ Mutters ]

Oh, the pump.

All right.

Where's the pump?

Uh―

Must be over there.

[Hobbs Narrating]
A hush falls over the crowd...

as Hobbs's shrewd eyes
take in the intricacies...

of the complicated machine...

at a glance.

And then his strong, skillful fingers,
as sensitive as those of a surgeon,

make their first sure contact
with the key valve.

"Open green intake valve...

and close red return valve.

And open green supply valve"―
[ Muttering ]

"Throw in a bucket of water."

Bucket of water.

Hmm.

[Hobbs Narrating]
Step by step,

with never a false move
or moment of hesitation,

he moves relentlessly
toward another triumph...

in the never-ending struggle...

of man versus machine.

And now―

And now―

And now―

The silence is almost unbearable.

Will Hobbs take this sitting down?

Five, three, seven, two.

[ Woman On Phone ] The doctor told her
she could look for a hemorrhage,
and sure enough, here it came.

Whoosh!All over the walls,
and dripping―

...buckets and buckets
and buckets.

By then, some kind of secretion
was coming out of her eyes.
Ugh.

What was that?
[ Woman #2]
Sounded like a dog.

[ Woman #1 ]
There are no dogs
on this line.

Anyway, while they
were mopping up―

Madam, I'm sorry,
but I haven't had my coffee yet.
Who is this?

Oh, now, really, Dad.

I've gotta get a plumber.

I've never seen such a weird place.

Could be lots of things.

Did you open the green priming valve
and pour in water?
Yeah.

Uh-huh. Did you choke
the butterfly on the carburetor
and open the throttle?

Yeah, yeah.
And it still didn't work?
[ Chuckles ]

I'm sorry about the delay,
but Mr. Saltonstall fell
into Mrs. Coats's cesspool.

Second time this year.
Happy to know you.
Mrs. Hobbs, Mr. Saltonstall.

My daughter Katey.
Hello, Katey.

I've never seen anything
back up like that cesspool
of Mrs. Coats's.

Mrs. Saltonstall says I spend
more time in that cesspool
than I do at home.

Well, let's go look at that pump.

Are you sure you followed
all the directions?
Eleven times.

And she still wouldn't start?
Nope.

That's a mighty sweet little pump.

Now, look, I'm not
challenging the sweetness
of the pump.

I'm just telling you
I can't get the lousy thing started.

She's okay now.

That's the sweetest little pump
in these parts.

Nice to have you here,
Mrs. Hobbs.

And if you need me,
I'm generally at home
or in Mrs. Coats's cesspool.

You too, Katey.

How 'bout it, kids?
How's for a little sun on the beach?

♪♪[ Speaker: Instrumental]

How 'bout it, Miss America?

What's the matter, honey?
Nothing.

- Well, don't you feel well?
- I'm all right.

Well, then come on,
let's go outside.

I'd rather stay here,
if you don't mind.

Well, if you change your mind, I'll―

[ Door Closes ]

[ Nordic Accent ]
Good morning.

Good morning.

Beautiful day, isn't it?
Gorgeous.

What― What are you reading?

- War and Peace.
- Any good?

Well, the New Yorker
didn't care much for it,

but it got pretty good notice
in some of the other papers.

I like the New Yorker.

It has such lovely ads for jewelry.

Is it true that you are a banker?

Well, yes. Yes, I am.

May I join you?

Well, you certainly may.

You know, I haven't met
a fellow out here
in more than a year...

that wasn't flat broke.

Well, there's an awful lot of that
going around these days.

I think it is the "d-ducts."
You think it's the d-duct?

The what?
The d-ducts.

The way they say it's not deductible
to take a girl out for dinner anymore.

Oh, I see.
Oh, Tolstoy's War and Peace.

Uh, Tennessee Tolstoy.
I remember.

I was trying to read it myself.

With all these Russian names,
I just couldn't tell the men
from the women.

Well, it does call for
quite a bit of concentration.

Where is it?
Where is what?

Your bank.
Oh! St. Louis, Missouri.

This place is simply filthy
with people from St. Louis.

You will have a lot of fun
seeing them.

As a matter of fact,
we came out here to get away
from them for a while.

You know, you are
real sharp for a banker.
Oh, thank you.

Marika.
Uh, Roger.

And over.
No, that's my name. Roger.

Oh, really? Is it a big one?

Is what a big one?
Like National or something?

Oh. Oh, yes.
Biggest in St. Louis.

Oh, boy.
What a ball you must have.

Wait a minute.
You know I don't exactly
own the contents.

I didn't mean you were
taking it, darling.

Well, I―
You're just being
in there, with it.

[ Chuckling ]
Yes. Yes.

Is, uh, Mrs. Hobbs
up here with you?
Yes, yes.

And the children.
Two of them, that is.

And the others will be along
in a few days.
What others?

Well, our two older daughters
and their children.

You mean, you have
got grandchildren?
Babies, of course.

Well, let me know
how that thing comes out,

if you think of it.

[ Peggy ]
Oh, Rog!
Yeah?

- Will you come here a minute?
- Yeah.

That's a grandma?

36-26-36, and still operating.

You stay right here. I'll be back.
Uh, listen.

How 'bout the rest
of the St. Louis crowd?

Couldn't we sort of
all have a little get-together
here someday,

like a bathing suit party?

You sure you don't mind
if they're not all bankers?
Of course not.

I like depositors too.
Oh.

Yes, dear?

Who's the belly dancer?
Well, what do you mean,
a belly dancer?

She's just a big kid.
Uh-huh.

That was Humbert Humbert's
first report...

on little goody-two-shoes,
wasn't it?

All right, all right.
Well, what's out of order now?

Brenda's leaving.
Already?

Come with me.
[ Groans ]

Turn on the water.

The hot water.

She got it right in the kisser,

and that was the last straw.

You― You wouldn't want
to try it just one more night?

One more night, I "tank" I go crazy.
Too quiet, like graveyard.

But everybody told me
it was just like Finland
around here.

In Finland, once in a while
at night you hear a wolf.

We can fix that water spout
in the kitchen, you know.

And in Finland,
man do not swear at woman.

I "tank" maybe she
go crazy already.

Did you really swear at her?

I've never sworn at a cook
in my life.

Well, she said that you did
when you came downstairs
this morning.

This morning, when I came―
I never even spoke to her.

I asked the kids
how they'd like a little sun
on the beach, and then―

[ Stammers ]

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Peg, I don't know.

I don't know.
Where did we fail?

I can handle the kitchen.
That doesn't bother me.

It's Katey that has me worried.

Do you know that she
hasn't come down
for a meal yet?

You think she really
hates us that much?

No. No more than Susan
and Janie did at her age.

It's those new braces.
What new braces?

On her teeth.
Oh, oh.

Haven't you noticed
how she won't even smile?

But don't they all have them
at that age?
Hers are new.

She isn't even used to them yet.

But what are we gonna do,
honey?

We can't let her
go through the whole vacation
in this kind of misery.

Wh-What are we gonna do?

[ Sighs ]
I don't know, Rog.

I― I can't figure it.

I can't figure what we did
that was wrong.

Oh, well.
Let's not make
too much out of it.

The girls will
be here soon, and they'll―
they'll snap her out of it.

[ Chuckling ]
Yeah. Susie―

She'll have her out of it
in five minutes.

Why, that little monkey
will have her laughing so hard,

she won't remember
she has braces or anything.

Won't she?

They're here, Peggy!

Did you have any trouble
finding it, Stan?

Not very much.
Good.

How's my Susie girl?
Hello, Sue. Hello, Stan.

- Oh, Daddy!
- [ Peggy ]
We expected you earlier.

Oh, hey, hey.
What's the matter, baby?

I― Oh, Daddy, not now.
Later.

Don't you look
beautiful, Peewee.
Come on, Peter.

Stan, how's it going?
Fine, thank you, sir. And you?

Oh, fine, fine.
Not bad.
Come on, darling.

- I don't like you.
- Hi, Peter boy.

- Don't you want to give Boompa
a nice big hug, darling?
- Boompa?

It's what he calls you.

He's talked about you so much,
I really don't understand this.

Excuse me, Peg.

Boompa?
Don't you want to say hello
to Boompa, Peter?

I don't like Boompa!

All right. Then you just
come on out of there.

If you don't mind,
it does no good to yell at him.

All right then,
you get him out of there.
Well, I―

Susie, I'm― I―
Oh, they're just
tired and hungry.

I'll― I'll heat them some milk.

Some milk.
Yeah, get some milk.
You need some help?

Come on, Peter boy!
I wanna go home.
I don't like this place.

Come on.
Mommy!

Help!
Don't worry
about that stuff, sir.

I'll bring it in just as soon
as I've got him taken care of.

[ Shouting ]

Oh, darling.
Will you get that stuff
upstairs right away?

Boompa.

Okay.

Where is she?
Oh! We didn't expect you
until tomorrow.

Hi, Peggy. How are you?
Janie, here she is.
Oh, Mother.

Oh, I'm so glad
to see you.
Let me have the baby.

[ Chattering ]

Come on down.

Mother, you're
holding him all wrong.

Katey.

Would you like some coffee?
I'd love some coffee.

[ Chattering ]

Well, this is
a real occasion, isn't it?

The whole gang together again.
How long has it been?

Well, Janie's wedding
was the last time.

Well, we mustn't ever
let it get too long, kids.

Just don't ever
let it get too long.

It's a very important thing,
the family.

A very important thing.

What we all mean
to each other and, of course,
your mother and me...

when you were all young.

And then now―
Now you with all your families.

Don't ever let
either one of them fall apart.

Uh― Because it's
the one solid thing
that lasts in life,

and that's the family.

Is this all I'm gonna get?
This... guck?

Yes, dear. I'm afraid
until you're a little older, that's―
I'm sorry.

All right now.
What do you say?

Now that we're all together again,
let's make this first drink to the family.

Can I go now?
It's 8:00.
J-Just a minute, Son.

But it's Tombstone Raiders, Dad.
I'm― Oh.

Tombstone Raid―
All right. Okay. Okay.

Tombstone Ra―
Oh, I don't know.

You know what this country needs?

Do you know what this country needs?
An un-Edison.

An un-Thomas A. Edison.
He can uninvent things.

You know the first thing
I'd have him uninvent?
Television.

That's an amusing idea,
of course, but, uh―
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, what it would reveal
about you to a psychiatrist.

Yeah, yeah.
Thanks a lot, Professor.

Well, all right now―
Good night.

No, honey, please.
I don't feel well, Dad.

[ Stammering ]

- What's the matter with her?
- Oh, just the same as with you
and Janie at her age.

New braces.
Poor kid.

Yeah. New braces.

Let's raise our glasses
and drink a little toast to the family.

[ Gasps ]
The roast!
Couldn't you wait a second?

I'll be right back.
It won't take a minute.
I know, but could you wait―

Are you all well again now?
Oh, sure.

- I hate to go on without her.
- In fact, we're gonna try
and have another one right away.

You're gonna try and have―
What? What did you say?

We're gonna try and have
another baby right away.

Well, that's the first time
I ever heard that one
in the parlor.

Well, psychologists
have pretty well agreed
that closely spaced children...

promise the minimum
of intra-familial friction actually.

- He kills me the way he says
"Let's turn 'em out fast."
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well― Well, to what's left
of the family.

Could we have a little―
[ Peewee Crying ]

Listen, dear.
That's him, all right.

Well, couldn't we just―
You want me―

Not unless you want
to change him.

No, that's one thing I'm not
going to even try to learn.

Well, uh, uh―
Will you pour me
another one?

Sure. Sure.
With all these
false starts, I―

Yeah, I know.

This didn't seem difficult
when I thought of it.

You know, one little drink
for a few people sitting
around a room―

But they can't be having
this much trouble putting
our man on the moon.

But look, let's sort of
close forces here,

and let's have a little drink
to the family, huh?

Hey!
Peter, dear. Oh!

Just take it easy there.

Look, darling, let's play
with Flopsy again.
I don't like Boompa!

How do you think
I feel about it?

Is this the best you can do
for your own father?
Boompa?

Geez― Hey!

Now, look, let's not
overdo this thing.

Come here to mother.
It's all right.
Don't worry.

I hate Boompa!
Well―

Would you excuse me?

I think you oughta take
a firmer stand on this―
[ Clattering ]

[ Peewee Crying ]

Don't anybody touch her.
She's all right. She's just scared.

[ Crying ]
Here, darling. That's all right.

Play with this.

- It's all right, baby.
- [ Glass Shattering ]

Hey!

Didn't I tell you to stop that?
When I tell you something,
young man, I mean it.

This stuff costs money.
I'll take him.

You wanna throw
things on the floor,
throw your own stuff.

It's all right, darling.
Boompa didn't mean it.

Yes, Boompa did mean it too.
He meant every damn word of it.

Somebody's gotta
straighten this kid out
when he gets out of line.

If you don't mind, Dad―
I hate to say this―
it is your house―

but we don't believe
in saying no to the children.

According to all
modern psychologists,
saying no leads to neuroses.

It can also lead to bankruptcy too,
if he breaks enough stuff.

What we do, sir, is put all the ashtrays
and other breakables
out of their reach,

like on the mantelpiece.

You mean to say
if I want to smoke in this house,

I have to go over and stand
beside the mantelpiece?

Well, maybe Susan does
carry it a bit too far
at times―

Susan carries it no further
than Susan has been advised
to carry it.

All I know is
that I smoked sitting down
when you kids were little,

and none of you
have gone crazy yet.

I only meant that
under certain circumstances,
when other people are disturbed,

we could afford to be
a little flexible about it.

If you think you know
so much more than the men...

who have devoted their lives
to the study of child psychology,

I don't see why you don't
go into the business yourself.

You mean that's
better than nothing.

As usual, you put
your own construction
on anything I say.

Well, now, Susan,
we don't have to make
a big thing out of this.

You don't have to
remind me of my position.

I can assure you,
I never forget it for a second.

You bet you don't.

Don't think for one second
either that I'm not sick of
your reminding me of it.

You want me to take him?
Oh, I do not.
Give me that doll.

Susan! Susan.
This has nothing
to do with you, Dad!

I'm kind of in the dark
about this whole thing, Stan. What―

Oh, stop pretending.
I'm not a child.

I don't know
what you're talking about,
either one of you.

What are you―

Well, here's to Boompa.

That was some family reunion.

Some family,
as a matter of fact.

One kid going blind,
watching actors shoot
each other.

Another resigning
from the human race...

'cause she's got
a little chicken wire
in her mouth.

A married one
squaring off at her husband,
raising infant delinquents.

And what
do you hear from Janie
and Professor Egghead?

Oh, now, Rog, let's not overdo it.

Do you know
what the truth of this is?
It just occurred to me.

I don't know those people.
Well, now, listen―

No, I mean it.
I mean it.

I used to know
a pretty little girl
named Susie...

and another freckle-faced
little monkey named Janie.

Do you remember?
Oh, Rog, I wish you
wouldn't talk like that.

Well, they were
two little honeys,
weren't they?

Well, they're not dead, darling.
Not technically, no.

I know.
Just "bye-bye, kids."

Oh, now, Rog, really,
you're just being maudlin.

And as for those
two fellas down there―

I'm scared to death I'll run
into them someday on the street
without their wives...

and won't even recognize them.

Stan's the one
who needs the haircut.

Do you realize that I've seen
Mr. Stanley Carver...

exactly three times in my whole life
before today?

The next time I saw him
after meeting him for five minutes
in Cleveland was at the altar.

"The dark one on the left,"
somebody said.

And I gave my own
flesh-and-blood daughter
to this complete stranger.

"The dark one on the left."

That's what we call "marriage," Rog.

I'll bet I know 150 guys
better than that,
including my barber.

Netta Nickerson's never
even seen her son-in-law.

Julie married him in Las Vegas
at the Wee Kirk of the Cactus.

It doesn't make any difference.
I can't ever think of anything
to say to him anyway.

Now you're just
being absurd.

No. Once we've found out
how each other's getting along,
we're both dead.

I know you haven't got
much in common with him,

but couldn't you at least
ask him about his work?

Well, honey,
what can you possibly ask
a biophysicist?

I wouldn't know whether
I was pronouncing it
right even.

Very well then,
since we're strictly off the record,

how do you like these apples?

You can have my share
of Byron too.

Bless your wicked little heart.

[ Chuckling ]
Did you ever see
such a windbag?

You know, I was talking
to him one night,

and I suddenly realized
I was apologizing to him...

for not hating my mother.

What are we going to do, Rog?

All right.
Now, look, honey.

I read somewhere once
that you can't live anybody's life
but your own,

and you're nuts to try to.

I'll bet that goes for families too,

because sooner or later,
Mommy and Poppy
have just got to let go.

The kiddies are all grown up,
and they're in business
for themselves, right?

I suppose.

You can keep on wiping
their noses just so long,

and pretty soon somebody's
gonna come right out and tell
Mommy and Poppy to buzz off.

Oh, dear.
So we're going to buzz off
before we're buzzed off.

Just stay out of it.
Let them take care
of their problems by themselves.

But―
From now on, we're going
to live our lives,

and they can live their lives,

and happy landings to everybody.

Good night, honey.

But what about the―
the family?

Well, what about the family?

I mean, communicating
with the children.
Oh, to hell with it.

Let them communicate with us
for a change.

Honey.

We're not going to worry
about this anymore.

You understand?
Uh-huh.

Good night.
Night.

[ Waves Crashing ]

You'd think that lousy surf
would lay off for two or three
minutes, wouldn't you?

[ Sniffles ]

Morning.
Oh, hi.

Look! Okay?

- What is it?
- War and Peace by what's-his-name.

I have been
just dying to read it.

What page are you on?

Uh, well, I'm afraid I'm, uh―

[ Chuckles ]
The same here.

I thought I'd never get out
of the first paragraph.

Are there any pictures in yours?

Uh, no. No.

Oh, well. So far it seems
to follow the movie
pretty closely.

Who is taking care
of all that money
while you are away?

Nobody. We have
the honor system in St. Louis.

Oh.
[ Low Voice ]
Oh.

[ Hobbs ]
Good morning.
Good morning, sir.

Uh, this is our neighbor,
Miss Marika―

Cardos.

This is my son-in-law Mr. Grant.
How do you do, Miss Cardos?

Marika.
Marika.

Byron.
Oh, like the painter.

Yes, that's it.
Oh, what's this?

Peace and War
by what's his―

Wow! His name.

Have you ever read it?
Oh, yes. Several times.

- Not all the way?
- Byron's a college professor.

Oh, no wonder.
You had to.

Well, the first time, yes,
but then afterwards,
of course―

What about Moby Dick?
What about it?

- I suppose you've read that
all the way through?
- Yes, actually.

Who is Moby Dick?

Oh, Rog.

Can I see you
for a minute?

It must be out of order.
Excuse me.

Yeah?

Rog, Stan wants
to tell you good-bye.
[ Stammers ]

Don't say anything now.

They're saying that it's a business trip,
but just go along with it.

Don't say anything else.
Shh.

Well, Stan, it was
wonderful having you here
for a little while anyway.

Thank you very much, sir.
Stan's got to see a man
on business.

Uh-huh.
Good-bye.

Of course it's not
very exciting around here,
I know, but―

But, uh―

Good-bye, Peggy.
Bye, Stan.

Thank you. Bye, dear.
Good-bye.

You, uh,
let us hear from you,
if you get a chance.

Good-bye, kids.

Don't forget Daddy.

[ Engine Starts ]

A little sudden, wasn't it?

Oh!
[ Sobbing ]
Susie―

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hey, Peg.

What is this?
Oh, Rog, you just
don't understand.

I'll take a stab at it.
Give it to me in simple English.

What's the matter
with Stan and Susie?

Well, it's like that time
that you and I
almost broke up.

Oh, you were horrible.
You just sat there and brooded.

I was out of work.
Well, so is he.

You mean he doesn't have a job?
Mm-mmm.

Oh.
Not since the first of the year.

They just didn't want us to know.

For that reason,
he just walks out on everybody.

Oh, Rog, we've got to help them.

There must be
something we can do.

[ Mutters ]
Well, how do you like that?

He just up and walks out.

[ Squeaking ]

[ Rumbling ]

[ Pipes Groaning ]

How'd we get
Little Mary Sunshine back?

She kept changing
to the wrong train,

and finally wound up
here again this morning.

Oh.

[ Woman ]
The doctor said she had
a liverlike a watermelon.

[ Sighs ]

There's still a little seepage,
but if the stitches hold out,

she's gonna take Betty
to the teenage dance.

What teenage dance?
Who is this?

You said something
about a teenage dance.
Where's it being held?

At the yacht club, of course.
May I ask who this is?

This is your very good friend
Roger Hobbs speaking,

and I'm very grateful
to you, madam.
Thank you.

Hey! Hey, Peg, Katey.
The fleet's in.

♪♪ [ Dance ]

So there was nothing―

Oh, excuse me, please.

Take it easy, honey.
You're the prettiest girl here.

Wanna bet?

No, now look around.
A lot of 'em got braces.
Boys too.

Delighted to see you here,
Hobbs.

I'm McHugh,
commodore here.
How do you―

Haven't we met
someplace before?
Yes.

The bankers' convention
in Chicago two years ago.
I'm with First National.

Oh, I remember.
This is Mrs. Hobbs.
Commodore McHugh.

How do you do?
Charmed, Mrs. Hobbs.

And our daughter Katey.
Delighted, Miss Hobbs.

Thank you very much
for arranging this.
The pleasure is ours.

We can't have
too many pretty girls
at these dances.

May I have the honor
of dancing you
to a younger partner?

Thank you.

Rather nice-looking, isn't he?

Smashing.

Oh, Phil! Phil.

Phil, this is Katey.
Katey, this is Phil.

Now, what are you
gonna do about it?

Excuse me.

She's got one.

He looks like an albino.
Shh.

Come on. Let's have a drink, huh?
I'll stay here and watch.

Okay for openers, I guess.

Oh, what'll you have?

Uh, Scotch and water.
Thank you.
And a straight Scotch for me, please.

I understand that you're
an old deep-water man too.
Me?

Didn't someone tell me
that you once sailed
in a Bermuda Cup race?

Oh, well, that was a long time ago
when I was a kid,

and even then
I was more a passenger.

Oh, you're being too modest.
Nobody's a passenger
in a Bermuda Cup sail.

But what you're going
to need here, of course,
is a spatterbox.

A sp― What?
A spatterbox.

Oh.
Well, hip, hip.

Hip.

[ Bell Clangs ]
[ Applause ]

All right, attention, everybody.

The next dance will be
the boys' invitational dance.

All right, girls.
Take your seats.
[ Chattering ]

Girls, quickly. Quiet, please.

Not so rough. All right then.

Boys, remain in the middle of the floor.

Now, at the third stroke
of the bass drum,

I want each boy to go to a girl
and invite her to dance with you.

But this is to be a new girl,

one you have not
danced with before.

Do you understand?
[ Chattering ]

At the stroke― the third stroke
of the bass drum,

you are to invite a new girl
to dance with you.

- All right. Are we ready?
- [ Together ]
Yeah!

At the third stroke
of the bass drum.

All right, Artie.

♪♪ [ Drumroll, Bass Drum Beat ]

♪♪ [ Drumroll, Bass Drum Beat ]

♪♪ [ Drumroll, Bass Drum Beat ]

[ Girls Squealing ]

♪♪ [ Band Resumes ]

Some people look
on the spatterbox
as a child's toy,

and, in a sense, I suppose it is,

but it calls for a steady hand
at all times.

And an old blue-water man like you
won't be long in discovering
it can be very tricky indeed.

But is it― Is it very long?

Some people think so.
It just so happens I don't,
but many do.

Of course, it all depends
on what you call "Iong."
Naturally.

Rog.
Yes, dear?

Will you excuse me, please?
What's the matter?

Rog, I've got to talk to you.
Oh. Excuse me.

Of course.
What is it?

Rog, nobody will dance with her.

Oh, they're crazy.

Where's that albino?
Not so loud, Rog, please.

But look at her, Peg.
They must be out of their minds.

She's the prettiest girl
in this whole dump.

I know, but not so loud,
Rog, please.

Look there.
Now, look at that one.

You can't tell me
that Katey's not prettier
than that little hobgoblin.

Of course not.
♪♪ [ Ends ]

[ Bell Clanging ]

All right, boys, back inside.
Come on.

Everybody back inside.

Now, this next dance will be
the girls' invitational dance.

This time, the girls
will ask the boys to dance.

All right, girls,
remain on the floor.

All right, now, attention.

At the third stroke
of the bass drum,

I want each of you girls
to go and find a boy
to dance with.

[ Chattering ]

All right, Artie.
♪♪ [ Drumroll ]

♪♪ [ Bass Drum Beat ]

♪♪ [ Drumroll, Bass Drum Beat ]

♪♪ [ Drumroll, Bass Drum Beat ]

♪♪ [ Resumes ]

Well, now, look,
what's she doin' there
standin' like a dope?

She's looking at one now,
isn't she?

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Wanna dance?

Dance? Okay.

Holy Moses, this one's a pygmy.

Look. A white pygmy.

Well, at least she's got somebody.

Come on. I-I need a drink.

You're―
You're too tall for me.

First a spook, now a midget.

Two Scotch and waters.
Well, I think I've got
that spatterbox for you.

Did you see
one single thing about him
that wasn't awful?

Don't you think he had rather
an intelligent-looking face?

It looked to me
like the inside
of a small cantaloupe.

You know, the beauty
about a spatterbox is this―

At least she's still
not sitting there.
Oh, Rex?

Now, here's the lad
who can really handle
a spatterbox.

Rex McIntosh.

Rex, Mr. And Mrs. Hobbs.
She's back in the chair again.

You are still interested
in the spatterbox,
aren't you?

No, Rog! No!

Poor chap must be drunk.

[ Muttering ]
Little monster.

[ Sighs ]

Honey, don't you think
you ought to go and sit
with her or something?

If she wants to leave,
shall I say yes?

I guess so.

Don't worry.
I'm not going to jump.

[ Laughing ]

[ Chattering ]

Hey, Joe?

- Yes, sir?
- Come here a minute, will you?

Excuse me.

I'm Mr. Hobbs.
Glad to meet you, sir.

Say, Joe, uh,
I was just wondering,
could you use five bucks?

But it's just a matter of time, darling.
♪♪ [ Ends ]

They don't know you yet,

and, besides,
boys are shy at first too.

♪♪ [ Resumes ]
Now really, Mother.

What has that got to do with it?

I just don't feel well.
My stomach hurts.

Well, p-perhaps if you ate
a little ice cream.

Please, Mother.

I want to go home.

All right, darling.
I'll go look for Dad.

Come on, Katey.

Excuse me.
Are you Katey?

Yes.
Well, come on.
Let's dance.

No, thank you.
Well, come on.
What's the matter?

I just don't care to,
that's all.
Well, all right.

Just one time around anyway.

Break. Come on, break!
Since when?

Give me a chance too, will ya?

Where have you been
all my life, wife?

Break.

Hey, thanks, Mr. Hobbs.

What's the matter?
Well, uh, she's okay, Mr. Hobbs.

Very cute-looking, but―
But-But-But what?

Well, has she got lockjaw
or something?
Oh, no.

I mean, with her mouth
all squinched up like that,
I can't get her to say anything.

Joe, it's her braces.
You mean, they hurt?

No, she just doesn't want
anybody to see them.
Well, why not?

Well, she just got them,
and she's not used to them.

You know, it―

Joe, what's your father like?

Oh, Dad?
He's okay, I guess.

All the time?
Most of the time.

Now and then,
he's a little kooky, of course.

A little kooky.
Why don't you go in there
and tell her that?

What― Are you kidding?
Who's running this team,
now, you or me?

Okay, coach.

Excuse me.

Are you paying those boys?
Five bucks apiece.

♪♪ [ Ends ]
But, Rog, is-is that right?

No. Unless it works.

♪♪ [ Resumes ]

Both of them―
absolutely weird.

Well, you oughta see my dad.

He's a real dingbat.

Do you know
what my dad did once?
What?

You wouldn't believe it.
You wouldn't believe it.

Well, tell me then.

Nah. Tell you later.

Wanna dance?

- Where are you goin'?
- We're going to Pizza Heaven, Dad.

- Would you care to join us, sir?
- No, thank you.

You don't know
what you are missing.

Night.

I can't find her.
Didn't you get his last name?

No.
Well, where did you
pick him up?

Well, you-you saw me.
I just called the name "Joe"
to a group of boys.

There's always at least one Joe
in a group.

Well, if you
don't mind me saying so,
that's a fine way...

to choose an escort for
your 14-year-old daughter―

Giving five dollars
to some boy you don't know
from Adam.

Where are you going?
Straight to the F.B.I.

[ Katey ]
Good night.
[ Chattering ]

Good night.
I'll call you tomorrow.

[ Chattering ]
Thank you.

I'll call you tomorrow.
Promise?

Yeah.
Okay. Good night.

Bye. Good night,
Mr. Hobbs.
Good night.

I, uh, certainly
do wanna thank you.

You're welcome.
Uh, won't you
shake hands with me?

Not for her, sir.
We'll be seein' you, Joe.

Good night.
Good night, Mrs. Hobbs.
Good night.

Good night, Joe.

Have a nice time, honey?
Mm-hmm.

Your father and I
were just wondering if―

Oh, Rog, darling.

Oh!

Well. Well.

How about that?
I always get my hair so wet.

What's he doing,
beating your time?

No. I mean, seriously.

Oh, now, Rog, let's not
go looking for trouble.

Well, that bathing suit's
a pretty powerful weapon.

Well, you're the one
who ought to know, lover boy.

Oh, stop.

[ Imitating Hobbs ]
We were just reading
War and Peace together.

Oh, you're crazy.
That kid's much too old for me.

Really? Oh, how marvelous.

Look, if you've got to worry
about somebody,

I wish you'd worry
just a little bit about Danny.

Well, I can give it a try.
It's not gonna do any good,
I'll tell you that.

Well, why wouldn't it?
I don't know.

I was reading in a magazine
a couple days ago.

It said, "There are no
juvenile delinquents,
only guilty parents."

Oh, rot!
One of these days,
Danny's gonna grow up,

hit somebody over the head,
and they're gonna hang us.

Well, never mind
about when he grows up.

What I want to know is,
what are we going
to do about him now?

You know, I―
I'd be a much more
religious man...

if something just happened
to that darned TV.

Now it isn't as if I was praying...

for lightning to strike
the whole industry.

It's just this one particular set.

And-And when I think
that our son...

is going blind or nutty
or maybe both,

it's―

It's dead.

What's dead?
The TV.

I called the man.
He says it's probably a tube.

But he'll have to send
to San Francisco for a new one.

Well, do you know what I think
you both ought to do?

If there's a church open,
I can be ready
in five minutes.

No, no, no.
The spatterbox.

Well, now, honey,
I'm not gonna do anything
about the spatterbox...

until I know what it is.

It's a boat, darling.
A sailboat.

Only yesterday, Reggie told me
that he can get one for us
whenever we want it.

- Reggie?
- Or "Reg," as I call him.

Where'd you see him?
I had lunch with him.

Can you sail a boat?

[ Gasps ]
Didn't you know...

that your dad once sailed
in the Bermuda Cup race?

Did you really?
When?

Yesterday.
[ Danny ]
Then we can see the eclipse.

How about it, Dad?
Where?

Oh, in a discreet
little shrimp-burger joint.

Can we, Dad? Please?
No, no, just a minute.
Just a minute, Son.

If I may be so bold―

Well, we were reading
The Brothers Karamazov together.

C-Can we―
Can we what? Can we―

Go out on the boat
and see the eclipse?
What eclipse?

Didn't you read about it
in the papers?
You can't see it from the land.

You gotta be in a boat off the point.

Can we, Dad? Please?

Your dad may not be familiar
with this kind of boat.

But if he sailed in a big race―

Don't you think we could, Dad?
Just you and me.

[ Hobbs Stammering ]

It has been a long time.

Okay, partner.
We'll give it a try.

Whoopee!
Okay.

Oh, good.
I'll give Reg a ring tonight,

and I'll make
all of the arrangements.

[Hobbs Narrating]
It was the old, old story.

Once again, the husband
was the last to know.

Oh, um―

What's your problem?

Nothing.
Well, where's Byron?

He, uh―
He went into Carmel...

with a couple
of his old classmates.

At least,
that's what he told me.

Well, I guess I'll turn in.

Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, Daddy.

Yes!
Yes, darling, of course.

Yes, yes! Daddy, it's Stan
on the phone from Chicago.

He wants to talk to you.
Oh, not me, honey,
not after that chicken-out.

But, Daddy, it's about a job.
I don't care what it's about.

I don't want anything else
to do with that fellow.
Oh, but I-I―

Rog, don't be unreasonable.
I'm not being unreasonable.

There's a fundamental weakness
in that fellow―

a basic lack of character.

And if you're smart,
you'll hang up on him.
Now, Susan―

Daddy, I―
Now, Susan, I'm telling you this
for your own good.

I think your dad
is quite right, darling.

Stan's behavior has been
absolutely inexcusable.

Absolutely inexcusable.
But, Daddy―

And for the meantime,
you can come right back home
and stay with us.

Your old room is still there
waiting for you, you know.

We can put Peewee and Peter
in Janie's old room
right next to Dad.

On the other hand, of course,
we certainly don't want
to be unfair to the boy.

Oh, Daddy, you're a darling.
No, no, no.

There are always
two sides to a situation.

You can't condemn a man
without even listening to
what he has to say for himself.

Can you?
Of course not.

You don't need to worry.
Just tell him exactly
what you told me.

Now, here he is.
Daddy, here.
Now, wait, wait.

Let's get one thing straight.
If he doesn't have
a darned good explanation―

I understand, Daddy.
All right, now, as long
as that's understood.

Hi, boy.

Uh-huh.

Oh, nothing to explain, fella. Nothing―
We understand perfectly.

Now, what's this
you've got on your mind?

Uh-huh.

Yes.

Yeah― Well, Stan, of course.

Now, what's his name?
I have all that, Daddy.

Now, Stan― Now, listen.

Why don't you just
leave this up to us?

Now, you go on to Rochester
or wherever you have to go,

and-and just don't give it
another thought.

We'll give this fella Turner
the "A" treatment.

Caviar, champagne,
the red carpet, everything.

He's as good
as sewed up right now.
Okay? All right.

Oh, and-and Peggy
sends her love to you.

Bye, now.
I love you, Daddy.

Oh, I love you.
I love you too, dear.

You just don't know
what it's like to be out of
a job like that for so long...

with a wife and-and two babies
depending on you.

You get so worried,
so ashamed somehow...

that you say things―
both of you―
that you don't really mean.

Yeah, I suppose so.
I suppose so.

Well, we're gonna
have company.

Stan's in line for a spot
with General Research,

and the boss man's
driving down the coast
with his wife on a vacation.

So I asked Stan
to have him come over here
and have a drink with us.

Oh, wonderful.
Stan says this is absolutely
the greatest, Mother―

this General Research Foundation.

But it's so stuffy.
He says it's run like
a cathedral or something―

A cathedral of science.

And this Mr. Turner's
set to put his personal okay
on everyone they accept.

Family, background, everything.
Character―

But he says once you're in,
the sky's the limit.

Come on upstairs, darling.
Well, he's in.
Don't worry about that.

We'll show him
the kind of background Stan has.

Good.
You coming up, Rog?

Yeah, as soon as I finish the paper.

[ Murmuring ]

Thought you had me
that time, didn't you?

I don't like you!

Mommy! Mommy!

Aw, you little creep.

Mommy!

Oh, boy!
Which one is it, Mr. McHugh?
I'll show you.

You're a lucky lad, you know,
to be taking your first sail...

with an old Bermuda Cup man
like your father.

You'll probably find it
a bit tricky at first,
after the big stuff you've been used to,

but once you get the feel
of a boat that responds
like a spatterbox,

you'll get a great kick out of it.

It that the one?
Yes, that's her― Dashaway.

The one with
the blue and white sails?
That's right.

And a brand-new sail at that.

Uh, one thing
you'll have to watch at first.
What's that?

You may find she's got
too much weather helm,
but you'll get used to it.

I dare say I'll be able
to handle it satisfactorily.

Fine. Off you go then.

Whoops!
Whoops! There, now.

See you off the point.

Dad, what are we doing?
[ Man ]
Look out!

Tack your boat!
[ Woman ]
Henry, he's going to hit us!

Drop your centerboard!
Drop your centerboard!

All right. What―
Drop the centerboard, Son!

Which one?
That lever right there.
Pull it towards me. That's it.

[ Woman Screams ]
You're gonna hit us!
Careful.

Don't you hit us.
Sorry.

Go away. Go away!
There we go.

This is wonderful, Dad.
I didn't know it would be
so much fun.

Watch out.
Here comes a big one.

Nice work, Dad.
Hey! Get out of the way, buddy.

Get out of the way.
Oh, boy. Great, Dad.

[ Boat Horn Blaring ]
Just great.

Hey, why don't you watch
where you're goin'.

Watch it!
Hey, that guy didn't know
where he was goin'.

To the right, Dad.
To the right.

Oh, boy.

Oh! D-Dad, watch out!
You're gettin' too close!

Oh. You just missed 'em.

Hey, get goin', would you?

Get outta the way.

Move!
Hurry up, would ya?
[ Woman Screams ]

Look out!
We've got the right-of-way,
don't we, Dad?

Right.
Yeah, I thought so.

Hey, where do you think
you're goin'?
Watch out.

- [ Shouts ]
- That'll teach you.

[ Shouting Continues ]

Look, Dad, the fleet's in.

Why, there's one, two―

[ Horn Blaring ]
three, four, five, six of 'em.

Ship ahoy!

Ahoy!

Boy.

It-It comes back to ya.

You really went
through those boats.

Did you see that fella
that fell on his face?

Boy, did you scare him.

Well, I really didn't
mean to do that.

It's just that
there's a little too much
weather helm in this boat.

How far off the point
do you wanna go?

Just so land's not in the way.

What have you got?

Well, about time.
Okay.

Here's yours.
All right.

[ Danny ]
Oh!

Gee, Dad.
It's wonderful, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

Exactly on time too.

Can you stop for a minute?

Oh, never hove to
with a favoring wind, sailor.

I'd better stick on this port tack.

You know, there won't
be another one till 1999.

What do you say
we watch that one together too?

Do you think we can?

Well, we can try.

Well, I-I think
we'd better head back in.

But it just started, Dad.
I know. We're gettin' a little far out.

Come on. Get over there.

Come on.

[Hobbs Narrating]
It was around 6:45,
the weather bureau said later,

that the wind changed and began
to blow steadily out to sea.

Say, this is gonna be
a real adventure, huh, Dad?

A little spot of fog.
Nothing to worry about.

I wish I'd brought my compass.
We'll be okay.

We'll be okay.
Sure.

Gee, Dad, I didn't know
you knew so much
about baseball.

You never asked me before.
All right, how about this one?

Bob Feller pitched two no-hitters.
True or false?
True.

False.
Now, wait a minute.

He pitched three.
You're just gettin' sneaky now.

You want another one?
All right.

Carl Hubble struck out
five heavy hitters in succession
at one of the all-star games.

- Who were they?
- Oh.

Well― Well, there's Ruth and Gehrig...

and, uh, Simmons...

and Foxx and―

- How about that fellow
that played for the Reds?
- That's right.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.
Cronin.

Say, you're good, Dad.
You really do know baseball.

That wasn't the right order,
of course, but―

How many home runs
did Rogers Hornsby hit
in Yankee Stadium?

Now, that― That one I don't know.

None!
He never played in the stadium.

He was in the National League.

How can you be so cruel
to your own father?

Did you really see Babe Ruth play?

Yeah, yeah. 1928.

I was in New York, and I―

[Hobbs Narrating]
The Coast Guard informed Mrs. Hobbs...

that the only hope now
was that the boat had drifted
far enough out to sea...

to be picked up
by a passing tramp or tanker.

See what I'm doing?
What do you mean?

I'm holding her in a tight circle.

That way, we'll stay
just about in the same place.

Good idea.

Who's the greatest quarterback
you ever saw?

Sammy Baugh.
Better than Unitas?

I think so.
[ Foghorn, Faint ]

Did you ever see
Red Grange play?
Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

[ Foghorn Continues ]

[Hobbs Narrating]
Following the crash,

the great ship lowered a boat,
but it was too late.

There was only a bit of wreckage
to mark the spot.

Isn't it gettin' mighty close?
No, no.

No, it-it― It's over in there.
[ Foghorn Continues ]

This fog plays tricks with sound.

[ Stammers ]
I think Jim Thorpe...

did more things well
than any other athlete.
[ Horn Blaring ]

It's all right, Son.
She missed us.

Now hold on tight.

Hold on.

[ Horn Blaring ]

All right, now, Son,
really hold on tight now,

because we're gonna get
some rough stuff
when we hit the wash.

Here we go. Hold on!

Ride 'em, cowboy!

[ Foghorn Continues ]

We're pretty far out,
aren't we?

Yes. Yes, we were,

but, uh, we were making
too big a circle.

That ship straightened me out.
The ship was northbound.

So I just corrected the course,
and we're all right now.

[Hobbs Narrating]
The captain of a southbound tanker...

reported having sighted
a small boat...

shortly afternoon on Thursday.

He said it was headed
for the open sea.

You all right?
Why don't you
zip up your jacket.

It's gettin' a little chilly.

Boy, we're really gonna have something
to tell 'em tonight, aren't we?

[Hobbs Narrating]
After that, silence.

Yeah, I'll tell you why I know
that we're all right, Son.

You see, when you get caught
in the fog, circling is S.O.P.

That means
"standard operating procedure."

And the reason
we were too far out...

is that I'm just sort of rusty
on gauging wind velocity.

I figured it'd be about 10 knots,
but it's more than that.

It's, you know,
12 knots, 13, 15, six―

Oh, maybe 17 knots, you know.

So that was the― the difference.

And I don't mind telling you,
if that tanker hadn't shown up,
we'd really have been in the soup.

But the tanker, you see,
it headed north.

Then that― It sort of was like
a compass to me.

You see? So, all I did
when I got a check on north,

then I just made a 90-point correction
to the starboard,

and now we're headed
right due east.

And if they haven't moved
the continent or anything
since we took off,

well, then there's no question
about us runnin' right into it.

Now, look, I'm not―
I'm not sayin'...

I'm gonna run you right up
into that yacht club pier
or anything like that.

I'm no miracle worker, but you―

Dad!

Oh, boy!

- Oh, Danny?
- You rang?

Just so there won't be
any misunderstanding, Son,

nobody was any more surprised
than I was.

Just like Christopher Columbus,
huh, Dad?

That's right.

That's right, me and Chris.

Columbus, Magellan,

Drake, Mortimer Snerd―

Hey, hey. Where are you goin'?

Pizza Heaven.
[ Laughs ]

Dad?
Yes?

Would you like to look at TV
with me sometime?

Why, that's a good idea, Son.
Thanks.

[Man Shouts ]
[ Gunshot]

Nice shot.
Good man with a gun, Earp.

Dad?
Yep?

Mom says, will you
take a look at the pump?
Nope.

[ Gunfire On TV]

♪♪ [ Rock And Roll ]

Guiseppe, Katarina. Pizza.

Joe?
Yeah?

May I ask you something?
Well, the answer's gonna be no.

I can't possibly
marry you this week.
I spent my allowance.

Please? I'm serious.
Well, be patient.
I'll put you on the list.

At the yacht club,
when you asked me to dance,
was there any special reason?

Well, it was your charm―
your pure, swingin', way-out charm.

[ Man ]
Hey, Joe, did you lose your razor?
Get off my back, will you?

I just thought, uh,
maybe Dad had something
to do with it.

I swear to you, it was you.

But I still think
your old man's a nice guy.

I suppose so,
if he weren't so insecure.
Look, they all are.

My folks average
two or three complexes a week.

Pick it up, Joe.
All right.

♪ Cream puff ♪
♪ Shortcake ♪

♪ Sweet stuff ♪
♪ Jelly roll ♪

♪ Gumdrop ♪
♪ Milk shake ♪

♪ Curl up and be my baby doll ♪

♪ Woe is me
My solution isn't solvin' ♪

♪ Maybe the answer ♪
♪ Woe is me ♪

♪ Can't be found ♪
♪ My solution isn't solvin' ♪

♪ Looks like I'm gonna ♪
♪ Maybe the answer ♪

♪ Have to keep revolvin' ♪
♪ Can't be found ♪

♪ Just goin' round and round ♪
♪ Looks like I'm gonna
have to keep revolvin' ♪

♪ 'Cause I simply can't let go ♪
♪ Just goin' round and round ♪

♪ It's a terrible confession ♪
♪ 'Cause I simply can't let go ♪

♪ I'm like a Jonah and the whale ♪
♪ It's a terrible condition ♪

♪ Can't hold on ♪
♪ I'm like a Jonah ♪

♪ If you'll pardon the expression ♪
♪ And the whale ♪

♪ I've got a tiger ♪
♪ Can't go on ♪

♪ By the tail ♪
♪ If you'll pardon the expression ♪

[ Together ]
♪ I've got a tiger by the tail ♪

♪ Cream puff, shortcake ♪

♪ Sweet stuff, jelly roll ♪

♪ Gumdrop, milk shake ♪

♪ Curl up and be my baby doll ♪♪

Hi.
Hi.

Well, where―
where's Brenda?
She left again.

Oh, no, not again―
What-What was it this time?

Uh, I understand
she didn't like the cooking.

Oh.

You know, when I'm reincarnated,

I wanna come back as a cook.

Because― Oh.

Not only is a cook
overpaid to begin with,

but a cook doesn't have
to pay for her home,

a cook doesn't have
to pay for her food,

a cook doesn't have to pay
for her light or heat or TV...

or any of her clothes,
except maybe her pants.

And, on top of that,
she doesn't have
to know how to cook.

[ Buzzing ]
What happened?

[ Powering Down ]

I'll call Dr. Von Braun now.

Ah, ah, ah!
You don't have to tell me.

Pizza Heaven.

Say, you're really getting with it, Dad.

[ Woman On Phone ]
She had gallstones
as big as golfballs.

[ Peggy ]
Oh, hello?
[ Man ] Good day.

I'm Mr. Turner,
and this is my wife, Mrs. Turner.

[ Peggy ]
Oh. Oh, oh, yes.
How do you do?

I'm Mrs. Hobbs.
Come here, Katey.

This is my daughter Katey.

[ Katey ]
Nice to meet you.
I'm in a terrible hurry. Good-bye.

[ Peggy ]
Good-bye, good-bye.

The Turners are here.
They're a little early.
Oh. Fine.

Well.
Oh, uh, uh,
this is my husband Roger.

How do you do?
My name is Turner.
How do you do, sir?

And Mrs. Turner.
Mrs. Turner.
How do you do?

How do you do?
We didn't expect you
so soon, but―

Well, we got a little
ahead of our schedule,

so we thought we might spend
a few days with you.

Uh, a few days. Yes.
[ Mrs. Turner ]
It's awfully nice of you to have us.

Yes, of course.
You have accommodations?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.
We have a very nice
guest room upstairs.

Would you have your man
take our bags out of the car, please?

Yes, the two big ones for me
and the two smaller ones
for Mrs. Turner.

I see.
Yes, we'd like
to freshen up a little.

Oh, yes, of course.
Come with me.
Thank you so much.

Upstairs.
We're delighted
you could drop by.

Oh, man, what are you waitin' for?
Get their bags upstairs.

[ Hobbs Narrating ]
To his few remaining friends,

Mr. Hobbs had for some time
been known affectionately as Red Cap.

He was not aware at the time
that Mr. Turner was an eccentric...

who carried concrete
in his suitcases.

You had no trouble
finding us, I hope?

No, but that piece of road
leading up to the house here...

could stand a bit of resurfacing,
don't you think?

Oh, you took the upper road―
the one that goes past
the golf course.

Oh, yes. Yes, I suppose―
Did you bring your sticks with you?

No, I gave up golf
when we got married.

Didn't wanna spend
all that time away from Emily.

Oh, Martin and I both agree
it's perfectly dreadful...

the way so many young,
married couples are split up
every weekend by golf.

- That's what Stan says.
- Fine young man, Stanley.

The way Stan puts it,
if a husband and his wife
can't do it together, it's out.

Our feeling exactly.

How about some tennis
tomorrow morning?

Mixed doubles.
Same thing with tennis.

I used to play a little bit
but Martin never cared for it,
so I gave it up.

That's the way it is
with everything with us.

If Emily doesn't care for it,
I don't either, and vice versa.

Well, what I think we ought
to do is just stretch out
down there on the beach...

and do absolutely nothing.

Well, unfortunately―
I'm afraid that's out of the question.

You see, Emily has
very sensitive skin.

If she's out in the sun
more than a minute or two,
she breaks out in big blisters.

It's probably because
my body's so white.

Every square inch of it.

Well, how about you, Mr. Turner?

Oh, no. I've got splotches all over.

Big, brown ones.
But I never take my clothes off.

Well, you know what I think?

I think you two folks
have this whole problem licked.

None of this nonsense about
exercise and fresh air and sunshine,

when you could be devoting yourselves
to something really important,
like drinking.

Now―
Now, what'll we start with?

Something nice, cold and tall?

Or shall I just fix you
a real short blast here?

Martin and I don't drink.

Well, you mean, uh,
just a Sherry?

No, we don't touch it in any form,
either one of us.

That doesn't mean
you shouldn't have yours,
if you're in the habit of it.

Oh, yes, you go right ahead.
Lots of our friends are drinkers.

Oh. Well, uh, honey,
what would you like?

Oh, just the same old
root beer, I guess.

Root beer. All right.
That's― I'll have to get that.

Susie?
Root beer's fine for me.

It's in the icebox,
isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it's just, uh―
Make it three.

Okay.
[ Sighs ]

Well, uh, it's too bad
you're just staying till Saturday.

Yes, I'm afraid that's all.
We have a lot of territory to cover yet.

That's too bad.
That's, uh―

That's― That's too bad.

Well, what do you say
to a little bridge?

Not for us, thanks.

Cards bore Martin to tears.

Would anyone like
some more coffee?
No, thank you.

Uh, did you discover
any interesting little
restaurants on the road?

What do you mean, "interesting"?

Oh, you know,
out of the ordinary.

Oh, yes.

No.

Martin and I don't go in
for that sort of thing very much.

We had a pretty good hamburger
at a diner outside north Eureka.

Plenty of onions.
South eureka, wasn't it?

It was north Eureka.

I remember you saying,
"They certainly know how to cook
a good hamburger in south Eureka."

I never made any comment
about south Eureka.

Well, um, shall we?
Yes, yes.

I'll, uh, help
clear the table.

If you'll excuse us, please,
we'll join you later.
All right, dear.

I, uh― I've been dipping
into War and Peace again.

Tolstoy. War and Peace.

I don't get much chance
to read anything
but technical stuff anymore.

Of course, I like
a good Sherlock Holmes.

Or Nero Wolfe.
That's the one you like, darling.

Sherlock Holmes,
if it's all the same to you.

Well, uh,
what do you do?

I mean, for fun.

I know you work very hard,
but we all do that.

When you want to relax,
what do you do,
you and Emily?

Well, the fact is
we lead a very simple life.

Nothing much in the wintertime.
Just chumming around together.

But when the good old
summertime comes around,

we like to get out in the open
on our own trotters
and just see what we can see.

Uh-huh.
You like birds?

- Oh, very much.
- Do much spotting?

[ Stammers ]
Well, not real spotting.

We've run up a score of 249
so far this year.

Not bad for August.
249 what?

Species. Different kinds of birds.

Who took these?
Peggy. She does all
the photography around here.

What's she use?
A camera.

Astrobox?
Probably.

This is very interesting.

I'm sure that's a yellow-legged
claphanger up that tree.
Look there.

By golly, looks like it,
doesn't it?

I had no notion
there were claphangers
this far west.

I wouldn't be
a bit surprised.

This whole place
is really lousy with birds.

Why don't you and I go out
in the morning and do some spotting?
What do you say?

Love to. What time?
Oh, 5:00, 5:30.

Let's make it 4:30,
get a good, early start.

All right. If you wish.
Fine.

Well, uh, maybe we'd
better all turn in now, huh?

And get a good night's rest.

Because what we wanna do
is catch those early, early birds.

Really, Rog,
this is perfectly ridiculous.

Do you know what time it is?
I don't care.

It's 9: 15.

I've got to be up
bright and fresh for those
spraddle-legged coat hangers.

It's still bright out over the ocean.

You know, I'd just as soon
try and sit around...

and have a few yuks
with Khrushchev.

You were wonderful, darling.
Really, you were.

But be careful tomorrow,
won't you?

Because if anything
should go wrong,

I'd just hate to think
of what would happen.

Oh, you just don't
have to worry, dear,
because if anything would go wrong,

one of the things
that would happen―

I'd be living in the same house
with little stinker.

Night.

Night.

You sure we oughtn't to have
at least a cup of coffee?

Worst possible thing
you could do.

Never fill yourself up
with a lot of slosh
when you're taking the field.

That's one of the first lessons
a bird spotter learns.

He travels best
who travels empty.

What are― What are those
up in the tree there?

Barn swallows.
How can you tell?

Easy to spot.

Barn swallows are the only ones
with the white spots under their tails.

But they're sitting down.

Interesting call,
the barn swallows.

[ Imitating Birdcall ]

You've never done
much walking, have you?

Only since I was
about two years old.

You don't walk right.
You walk with your knees stiff.

You'll never last that way.

Bend them a little, like this.

Of course,
this is exaggerating,
but it'll give you the idea.

Try it.

Almost as if
you were sitting down.

You're coming down too hard
on your heels.

Try having the whole foot
hit the ground
at the same time.

And toe in, don't toe out.

What about the birds?
We'd better
get the walk straight first.

One, two, one, two,
one, two.

[ Horn Honks ]
[ Tires Screech ]

One, two.
Now you're getting it.

Feel the difference?

Wonderful. Wonderful.

You've got
the wrong shoes too.

For walking, you need shoes
that hug the feet.

See these?
See how they hug the feet?
There goes one.

Barn swallows. Nothing at all.

Emily and I both get
all our walking shoes in Austria.

Do you think we're too early?
There they go! Chewinks.

Where? Where?
Not over there.
Over there. There.

Oh, they're gone now.
Chewinks, eh?

First species of the day.

[ Imitates Birdcall ]
Now you spot one.

[ Bird Calling ]
Shh!

Ah, just as I thought.

A sharp-shinned hawk.

Sharp-shinned hawk, eh?
Did you see him?

Oh, absolutely. Beautiful bird.

Ah, by George,
we're doing all right.
Two already.

At this rate we ought to be
able to spot more than 30
by the end of the day.

Oh, boy.

Stop!
[ Whispering ]
What? Where? Which way?

Shh!
Shh.

Ever see a red-eyed vireo?
No.

Halfway up that tree.

What do you know about that?
First one I've seen this year.

What's that little fella next to it?

Barn swallow.

[ Hobbs Narrating ]
The autopsy revealed...

that Mr. Hobbs had had
neither food nor drink...

for at least 30 hours.

Hey, Turner!
Got something?

Come on. Hurry.

Steady, boy.

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Do you know what that is,
Hobbsy?

Barn swallow?

That is a great blue heron.

My 250th species.

Roger, my boy,
you are going to be
a capital birdman.

I'm awake.

How are you feeling?
Awful.

Where are they now?
Oh, they came upstairs
about an hour ago.

They want to get
an early start in the morning.

Then the smart thing for me
to do is just stay right here
until they're gone...

and not take any chances.

I don't think you
have to worry, darling.

All he could talk about
all evening was how wonderful you were,
and that 250th species.

But you could go downstairs
in the morning and just
tell them good-bye.

Oh, no.
I might lose my head.

You-You don't know what
I've been through today
with those Sabre-tooth hawks.

All right, darling.
If you don't want to―

Yes, sir.
Keep away from that man.

Good night.
Good night.

[ Faint Rumbling ]

[ Loud Hissing ]

Now what?
What is it?

[ Mrs. Turner ] Help!
What the hell
is she doing in the sink?

Oh, it's not the sink.
It's the big bathroom.
Somebody help!

Turn it off!

Please, somebody!
Help! Help!

Somebody!
Mrs. Turner?

Turn it off!
Somebody, please!

[ Hobbs ]
Mrs. Turner, you can turn
the valve off yourself.

It's right on the pipe,
right next to this door.
I can't get to it!

Oh! Honey, the main valve's
down in the kitchen.

Go down and shut it off.
I'll get Turner.
Help! Help! Please!

Please, I'm boiling!

I'm coming in, Mrs. Hobbs.
Mrs. Turner!

I mean, Mrs. Turner.
Is it all right?

Yes, please!

[ Squeaking ]

There. There. It's off.

Are you all right?

Mrs. Turner?

Mrs. Turner?
Where are you, Mrs. Turner?

[ Slaps Hand ]
I beg your pardon.

Will you please withdraw now?

Yes. Yes. I'll get Mr. Turner.

[ Object Thuds ]

Will you go out now, please?
Hey, Turner!

[ Slurring ]
Who's that?

[ Hobbs ]
Turner!
[ Banging On Bathroom Door ]

Emily?
Hey, Turner!
Do you hear me?

[ Banging Continues ]

[ Banging Continues ]

Hey, Peggy!

Are you aware
that I'm in the nude?

I'm terribly sorry,
but the doorknob came off.

I'm gonna have
to get somebody
to let me out of here.

Peggy?

Martin!

Emily?
I'm in the bathroom!

Can you―
Can you get me out?

What's the matter?
You lock yourself in?
[ Hobbs ] The knob came off.

Who's that?
If the knob's not on the door,
look on the floor.

It may have dropped off.

Both of you in there?

Will you look
on the floor, please?

Where's the knob?
Will you please
look on the floor?

What are you doing in there?

[ Mrs. Turner ]
Will you please hurry, Martin?

I think this fog is lifting.

[ Groans ]

I must say, Hobbs,
I don't like this sort of thing at all.

How does this thing work?

[ Hobbs ]
Have you got the spindle?
The what?

The spindle, the shaft.
The thing that goes
through the door.

I don't see it.
Are you looking on the floor?

I'll have to get my glasses.

All right, get your glasses,
and hurry up!

Don't you move,
either one of you.

Peekaboo!

I can see you.
Can you see me?

Now, believe me, Mrs. Turner,
I'm not going to look.

I'll simply die―
[ Hiccups, Giggles ]

I'll simply die―
I'll simply die if you do.

Don't you have a robe
or something in here?

Just my little shorty on that hook.
Your little what?

My little shorty nightie
on that hook on the door.

You mean this?
Aren't I naughty?

Skipping down the hall
in my little old shorty?

I'll throw it backwards to you.

If you'll promise not to peek,
I'll come get it.
Hey, Turner!

Yeah, I guess
he'd be pretty surprised
if I took a poke at him.

[ Knocking ]

Do you know what I wish we had,
if we're gonna be in here
all night like this?

I doubt very much whether
we'll be here that long.

Another little toddy.

You mean a drink?

Oh, yes, Marty and I always
take a little something...

to relax us before
go-go-going to bed.

And then you know
what he likes sometimes?

Now, wait a minute. Peggy!

Oh. Did you ever see the way
Brigitte Bardot wears a towel?

Like this?

And it's really the cutest thing,
the way she flips it around.

[ Laughing ]

- Like this!
- Hey, Peggy!

Wow!
Hey, Peggy?

Oh, you're boiling me!
Stop! Marty?

Marty!
Rog? Rog, I can't find
that main valve.

Where did you say it was
in the kitchen?
Never mind about that.

Look around on the floor
and get the spindle
so we can get out of here.

[ Mrs. Turner ]
Hi, Peggy!

[ Gasps ]
Holy Moses!

Don't worry.
I've got on my towel.

Where's the knob?
[ Hobbs ]
Turner has it.

Mrs. Hobbs, I am going
to punch your husband
in the nose.

Thank you.
I'll teach him to watch
my wife take a bath.

Oh, thanks.

Excuse me.

[ Loud Slap ]
[ Screams ]

[ Sobbing ]
Why, you meathead.

[ Growls ]

Oh! Rog, stop it!

Now stop it! Rog.

[ Blows Landing ]
Oh, dear.
Can I help you?

[ Wailing ]

Oh, dear. Rog.

Rog, where are you?

[ Both Grunting ]

What is it?
What's wrong?

Darling―

Oh. Oh.

What happened, Mother?

I'm terribly sorry,
but your father
just flattened Mr. Turner.

Oh, no.
Oh, Susan.

[ Thinking]
About last night, Mr. Turner―

Uh―

Now about last night, Marty.

I― I―

If I might have a word
with you, Mrs. Turner.

I― I―

Listen, honey, I―
Oh, no. Oh.

[ Clattering ]

[ Car Trunk Closes ]

[ Thinking]
Oh, my God.

Who was that?
They've gone.

[ Gasps ]
No.

[Hobbs Narrating]
Mr. Hobbs spent the remainder of the day...

putting his affairs in order.

I thought that creep
of yours was coming
to say good-bye.

Oh, turn blue.
And look like you?

I would appreciate it
if you never mentioned
Joe Carmody's name again.

You should have
let me carry that.

No, thanks.

Hello there.
Can I help?

Oh, hello. No, thank you.

How did the book come out,
that War and Peace thing?

Well, as a matter of fact, I, uh―

I didn't also.

This time I got two men
mixed up with each other.

Oh, you did?
Well, look who's here.

- I brought your book back.
- Oh, did you like it?

Excuse me.

Didn't you like it?

Well, it's all right, I guess,
but who wants to read a book
about a fish?

About a fish.
[ Chuckles ]

Why didn't you call me?

If you'll just take these down,
that looks like about all.

All right.
Oh.

[ Peter Crying ]

[ Susan ]
It's all right, darling.
We're going home now.

Be careful, Peewee.
What's the matter with him?

He doesn't want
to leave Boompa.

But you're not going to, darling.

You're going to live with Boompa.

We're all going
to live together.

[ Susan ]
See, I told you
you were going home.

It's all right, sweetheart.

Aren't you liable
to get a hernia carrying
a load like that?

I am.
Oh, Rog?

Thank you, dear.

Oh, that poor girl
Marika's downstairs.
What's poor about her?

Your husband told me
the terrible truth.
Didn't he tell you?

Tell me what?
Paranoid schiz.

Split personality.

Liable to go after you
with a butcher knife
or maybe a paperweight.

Dr. Denmark told him.
Your husband knows him very well.

Dr. Who?
Her psychiatrist, Dr. Denmark.

Oh.
It's a pitiful case.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Let me take him.
All right.

Well, you seem to have
quite a load there, old boy.

I have.

Oh, I cannot tell you
how sorry we all are
to see you go, Mrs. Hobbs.

Oh, thank you, Reggie.
You've been so sweet.

I'm, uh― I'm, uh―

I'm sorry about, uh― about, uh―

But your husband―
I thought it'd be wiser
not to call you.

Oh, I― I see.

I understand.

We hope to see both of you
here again next summer.
Oh, thank you.

Good-bye.
Bye.

Thank you, Daddy.
For what?

He's an awful schmo sometimes,
but I love him.

Well, we all do, darling.
You don't have to.

Nobody has to but me.

But as long as I do,
that's all that matters, isn't it?

I guess so.

[ Chuckling ]

So long, sir.
So long, Byron.

Katey. Katey, darling.

We've got to get started.
Coming.

[ Engine Starts ]

Well, this is
the really wonderful part
of a vacation, isn't it?

Heading home.

Who's Dr. Denmark?
Who? Oh.

What did you tell Reggie I had?
Dementia praecox?

I didn't tell him
you had anything.

What did you tell him?
Oh, Peg.

What was it?
Shh.

Well, we did have
a little chat about you
one day―

nothing serious, of course―

and I told him that,
like many couples who'd been
married for a long time,

you and I had come
to a certain understanding.

The understanding being
that if I ever caught you
with another man,

I'd break his neck.

You really are a lovable character,
aren't you?

Look, honey,
there's only one rule...

for a husband married
to a good-lookin' wife:

Will it work?

What do you want to see
that weirdy for?

Stop! Dad, stop!
Here comes Joe.

Hi.
Hi.

Gee, I'm sorry I'm late,
but the crock wouldn't start.
That's all right.

Here's that Bobby Darin album.

But that's yours.
Well, don't you want it?

Well, it's fabulous, but―

Well, then what's the argument?

Good-bye, Mr. Hobbs.
Aren't you wonderful
to catch us like this?

Uh, just a gag, sir.

It's a whole lot better than my first one.
I'll tell you that.

If you cut off those long ones,
they'll grow faster.

Really?
That's what I did with mine.

Well, thank you.

Looks like it's gonna
shape up okay.

See you, Joe.
Good-bye.

I'll write to you, Katey!

It wasn't too terrible, now, was it?
No.

So Katey doesn't need you,

Susan and Janie don't need you...

and Danny only needs you to pick up
a copy of Playboy every month.

You know, I'm awfully proud
of you, darling.

Who's my sweetheart?
Who's mine?

[ Susan ]
Katey, please move.

That's an extra thank you from me.
What for?

For being jealous.

[ Chattering ]

Are we home?
Yes, darling,
we're home.

Come on.

Brenda, when did you get back?

Oh, Brenda,
it's nice to see you again.

Brenda!
Well, we've been
forgiven again.

Here the water pipes work.

Hello, Brenda.
Brenda.

Hello.

Stan got it, Dad.
He what?

Stupid, let Stan tell him.
It's all set.

No kidding.
No, sir.

And not one word
about anything wrong
in any way at any time.

On the contrary, the Turners
said they couldn't have had
a more wonderful time,

and want us
to all get together again
just as soon as possible.

Well, how do you like that?
You know what I think?

- What?
- I think he was stoned.

Yeah, and people keep telling you
there's no good in booze.

All right. It's getting late.
Everybody grab a piece
of luggage, huh?

What are you gonna
get paid, Stan?
Tell me all about it.

Okay. I'll tell you
what happened.

- Hey!
- Oh, yes, sir.

I almost forgot, Rog.

Mrs. Turner asked me
to give you this.

[ Sighs ]
Feel better now?

Well, you've just got
to get some things
off your chest, you know?

I think this is one
of the best you ever did.

I had some pretty good
stuff this time.

So good,
I sort of hate to tear it up.
You've got to.

We've already taken the house
for next summer.

Get the mail,
will you, please?

[ Woman ]
And finally they found she had
a cyst the size of a grapefruit.