Original subtitles

♪♪

Joe: Surprise.

When something unexpected happens,

you can't predict how you will respond.

You might grab your best friend and give them a kiss

or look for the nearest medium-sized object

to throw at their head.

Keys! No!

Oh, I don't -- I don't like that.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.It's okay.

How'd you make out at the coin store?

Like a boss.

So this is nine copies of the key plus the original.

I'm bummed I can't be there.

You want anything else?

Mm...surprise me.

Mm.

It'll be $12.99.

Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Balloon squeaks ]

♪♪

On the 65th day, there were beans, as promised.

So for the past week and a half,

I've been going around to friends and family

and surprising them with a bowl of beans.

♪♪

Watch your step.

Okay. Okay.

Open.

Joe, you didn't.

If anybody could do it, you could do it.

Aw, your grandfather would be so pleased and proud of you.

Big or small, life is full of surprises

and can change in an instant.

Joe: With those things in mind, I have two questions for you.

One, are you ready for the opportunity of a lifetime?

And, two, how many of you have seen the movie "Rat Race"?

Is that the one with Mr. Bean?

-Oh, and Whoopi? -Yeah.

-And Jon Lovitz. -Scott Evil.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that Monty Python guy.

Yes, yes, it's got all of those people.

Anyhow...

Uh, does this movie have subtitles, Joe?

I forgot my glasses.

No. We won't be watching the film "Rat Race."

You remember that part where the cow is hanging

from the hot-air balloon by the rope?

And then Cuba crashes the bus with all the I Love Lucys in it.

[ Laughs ] Oh, man.

Yes, yes. It is a wild adventure.

And let me explain.

Yesterday morning, I drove up to Copper Harbor

and placed $115 cash inside of a small locker.

Inside these envelopes are the exact coordinates of that locker

and the key to open it.

Whoever gets there first wins the cash.

And, um...

...there are no rules.

I thought this was gonna be an intervention for me.

Hell, yeah.

Sorry, Father, but, Joe, you're a legend for this one.

Hey, does anybody with a car want to team up with me?

I belayed it here.

Uh, I got to go do something else.

Oh, Lulu's making a break for the door.

Come on, Gene. You're taking me over to Carole's.

Just a sec, hon.

Joe, is there gonna be a Smash Mouth concert at the end?

I wouldn't even know where to begin to make that happen, Gene.

Gene, I can't believe that I'm missing Scrabble for this.

Sorry.

Joe, I'd love to do a rat race,

but I'd also love to stay married.

[ Sighs ] Geez.

So wait. You want us to drive three hours to Copper Harbor,

then three hours back for just a little over $100?

Yeah, if me and Kelly split that,

that's, like, barely above minimum wage.

Who says you have to split it?

You each have your own key.

Oh, you've got a lot to learn about sharing money

with your wife, my man.

Joint bank accounts are a form of oppression,

if you ask me.

Come on, guys. There's gold out there.

Where's the rush?

I have Saturday evening mass.

I have medical issues I'd rather not talk about.

Yeah, I can't ride for more than five minutes at a time.

Otherwise, I get bored.

[ Sighs ] Is anybody gonna do it?

Yes. Big Jeff and I are teaming up.

All right.

Father, a quick blessing?

Yeah, so you'll pay for the gas when we stop?

That's fine by me.

And buy me venison jerky?

Jeff, I can write that off.

Rat race!

[ Sighs ]

Well, I can't force you to do anything you don't want to,

but last chance, $115 cash.

Sorry, Joe.

Well, if you don't want to participate,

maybe we could just sit in my backyard.

Joe, can Kelly get a glass of water?

She's got to take her tapeworm pills.

Absolutely.

His lady friend, Miss Conner, she's a sweetheart.

But that band room's got the filthiest floors, man.

The kids, they empty the spit from the trumpets

right on the floor,

and as soon as I mop it up, it's covered in spit again.

Here's your water, no ice.

And now we'll just wait for the call.

It's a beautiful backyard, Joe.

Thanks, Father Andrew.

Tell me something.

How did you ever come up with the idea

for organizing this rat maze?

Just a bit of summer inspiration.

Back when doing research for my rat musical,

I took out pretty much everything from the library

with the word "rat" in the title.

Have you ever seen this movie?[ Beep ]

I never got around to watching it,

but then it came back up again

while I was doing online research to find Bean movies.

A few nights ago, I finally watched it with Sarah.

It was silly, feel-good fun,

and I thought it was sweet how they donated the money

to impoverished children at the end.

Didn't it seem like they donated it

just because they were scared of looking like assholes

in front of the crowd?

No. I think they may have changed.

It's clearly an anti-capitalist cautionary tale

that culminates in a commentary about shame culture.

What is this movie?

I just thought it was entertaining

and it would be fun to re-create.

Well, let's see -- It says it came out

August 17, 2001.

Joe: Uh-huh.Come to think of it,

that's the last thing I saw in the theaters before 9/11.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Oh, here we go. What do you think?

Did Jeff ditch Brad Cam at a rest stop?

Hello?Carole: Joe?

Joe, honey, it's Carole.

Hi, Carole.

Is Nana taking too many Scrabble tiles again?

Honey, you need to get over to the hospital right away.

It's Nana. I just called an ambulance.

Is everything all right?

What's going on?

That doesn't sound good.

I should meet him over there.

Well, we can put Gus in the house.

[ Lock clicking ]

I'm gonna make some tea. You want some?

I'm okay.

How about a root beer float?

Sorry.

[ Light switch clicks ]

[ Light switch clicks ]

[ Clink, water running ]

[ Clinking ]

[ Knock on door ]

-You think he's still up? -I hope so, man.

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ Chair clanks ]

Jeff: We got to celebrate. What the heck?

We got to celebrate.

Brad: Come on, Joe. Wake up, wake up.

Get out of your PJs.

-Hey, there he is. -Hey, he is here.

Yep, there he goes!

Here are your winners -- Brad Cam and Big Jeff,

and to the victor goes the spoils.

What do you think?Thanks for the 115 big ones, Joe.

Now, you get your shoes on,

because we are going to the casino.

I really think I can double this for us.

Rat race! Yes! Rat race!

Yeah.

[ Both laugh ]

We catch you at a bad time?

A little bit.

I told you, he goes to bed early.

I know. I know.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Sarah!Hey, Sarah! Great!

Hey, hey, this is perfect.

We got all four of us here.

A round of margaritas on me. What do you say?

Jeff: Huh? Sound good?

Hey, guys, um, Joe's nana passed away this afternoon.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

Buddy.

I'm sorry, Joe.

Congrats.

Joe, if you need anything...

Thanks, guys.

Good night.

Good night, Joe.

[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]