Original subtitles

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The grocery store is not just the place

to pick up roast beef and milk on your way home from work.

It's more than that.

To me, the supermarket is an immersive theater experience,

like a haunted house or seeing Santa at the mall.

The smell of fresh bread.

The feeling of the cart handle.

I want to be a part of it.

In our go-go world of "Just order it online, honey,"

it's nice to know that at the grocery store,

there's always a show going on.

And this is the start.

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Hello.

My name is Joe Pera.

Every Tuesday, I come to my grocery store

to reprise my role as shopper.

It's a fun role but also quite challenging.

According to the Food Marketing Institute,

from 1975 to 2008,

the number of products in the average supermarket

swelled from 9,000 to over 46,000.

I don't know about you, but that's more than I need.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I'm not doing my impression of Jim Carrey

in the 2008 film "Yes Man."

In my mind, I just asked myself

three simple questions about this product.

Should I eat this?

Will I eat this?

Can I afford this food?

If I say yes to all three, I'll get it.

In the modern supermarket where I can have anything,

I must draw the line myself.

Like the casino, it promises good times.

But without restraint, I will get ruined.

Yes. No. Yes.

I'm always struck by the colors of Swiss chard

but never know what to do with it

and end up chucking it over the fence.

My budget each week is $70.

To keep myself honest, I'll pre-write a check

and not even bring cash or a credit card to the store.

With this check, I aim to get the calories necessary

to be an effective grandson, boyfriend,

and United States citizen.

And if I stick to my list, I should be all right.

Coffee, butter, oatmeal.

I'm sorry. This is TMI.

If you want to see my list, just go to

joeperagrocerystore foodlist1945.com.

Leave a comment of something you think I'd enjoy.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Hi, Sue. Hi, Nicole. Great game last week.

Thanks. Hi, Joe.

She was like a pre-teen female Mark McGwire out there.

Thanks.

Where are the rest of the kids?

Kelsey is at swim class

and Josh wanted to stay in the car.

I don't know. He likes to listen to the radio.

[ R&B music playing ]

I used to be like that at his age too.

I'm surprised you trust him with the car keys, though.

Oh, I just know that he can't reach the pedals.

He's got my muscular, short legs.

Here's your chickens, hon.Thanks.

Ooh, rotisserie chicken. That's my favorite.

Yeah, I was just picking up something quick for dinner.

It is kind of messed up, though,

how a fully cooked chicken is $5.99

but a raw one is $9.85.

I try not to think about why.

Are you having a party?

What? Oh, no, I --

I get an extra one for Mike.

Wow. Mike eats a whole chicken by himself?

Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. He's on this new diet

where he eats just one all-protein meal a day.

Heard about it on "The Joe Rogan Experience."

Fascinating.Yeah.

It's actually horrible, Joe.

He acts like a brat all day because he hasn't eaten.

He's always dropping tools around the garage

because he's lightheaded.

He forgets stuff. It's like he's menopausal.

He gets home from work and he takes his chicken,

and he goes straight to the basement

without talking to anyone.

Then he strips naked, gets in the shower,

and eats the chicken with both hands like a goddamn raccoon.

Then what he's done,

he turns on the water and washes the grease off his body,

leaving the chicken skin and bones in the drain

for me to clean up. It's unbelievable.

Well, at least he's losing weight.

He's put on weight.

I'm sorry.

We got run.

That's why you can't be on your phone.

Well, something's going on.

I guess if I've learned anything from U.S. foreign policy

in the later half of the 20th century,

it's that it's best not to get involved.

Man: Samples available.

Oh. I almost forgot.

It's sample day.

That's German select honey ham from Schweinkopf Meats.

Thanks for trying.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, Fred. How's business?

Well, for me, it's always good.

You know I'm in the free business.

If you don't mind me saying, Fred,

you're the leading man of the grocery store.

[ Speaks French ]

I don't know what that means,

but can you tell us a bit about what you do?

You know, Joe, I'm gonna tell you

I got the best freakin' job in the world.

I get to give away lifelong memories for free

and provide people with risk-free eating

adventures in the middle of their day.

Well, what's the adventure today?

I was hoping I was gonna see you.

I know what kind of freak you are for ham.

I love new ham.

It's a new product called German select honey ham

from Schweinkopf Meats.

Joe, let me tell you, this stuff is just --

I mean, wow, it is just out of this world freakin' phenomenal.

I'm excited.

And I personally guarantee that this ham

is going to change your life.

It tastes like honey.

Is that phenomenal or what?

It's absolutely phenomenal.

Just a phenomenal ham.

Joe, do you need this?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Thank you, Fred.

My pleasure. I hope you enjoy that ham.

Let me know how it goes, will you?

I mean, that stuff is amazing.

I know.

Phenomenal. Thank you, Fred.

Did I mention that before?Yes.

All right, buddy. Have a great week.

You too.Always good to see you.

Thanks for coming.

To prepare for Fred and his temptations,

I build a fixable point into my budget.

$5 free to spend on something fun.

That way, the grocery store can bend me

but not break me.

You wouldn't know it by looking at him,

but Fred was in prison for 14 years

before the grocery store gave him a second act.

[ Fred speaking indistinctly ]

They put the freezer aisle right before checkout

so that your items won't thaw.

It's considerate.

But because of Fred's ham,

there's no budget left for ice cream.

This is going to be tough for me.

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Joe: Look at all this ice cream. I love it.

I should keep my eyes ahead.

As much as I like it here,

now is when the guilt sets in,

wondering why we have seven flavors of mustard

while others have one or zero flavors mustard.

I don't always think about where all this comes from.

Sarah's right. I should.

I've never been here when the supermarket's not full.

It's impressive, perplexing, comforting, and wasteful.

But since this is the way things are set up,

I feel no choice but to participate.

And if the supermarket became obsolete, I'd miss it.

There's a chance it might.

I heard a drink was developed

that provides all the nutrition you need.

It's called cold beer.

Just kidding.

Did it.

Well, tell Nana if I win, I'm taking her for dinner.

Will do.

$66.47.

Are you sure, Louise? Yeah.

The 24-ounce Alfredo sauce is buy one, get one.

Oh, boy. Hold on.

He'll be right back.

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Sorry. Excuse me.

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$70.

It's real, I swear.

How nice.

I'll be able to have a few scoops tonight,

which is sweet because today is my birthday.

I don't like to make a big deal of it.

Anyhow, what a great show.

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Bravo.

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