Original subtitles

fuck.

ladies and gentlemen, this

ladies and gentlemen, this is your cue to start clapping,

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping,

Is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage

Start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage Jim jefferies!

And welcome to the stage Jim jefferies!

Hello.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming to my show, "alcoholocaust."

Thank you for coming to my show, "alcoholocaust." fucking look at

"Alcoholocaust." fucking look at this big theater, man.

fucking look at this big theater, man. I appreciate you coming out.

This big theater, man. I appreciate you coming out. People who are watching this at

I appreciate you coming out. People who are watching this at home might know that this is a

People who are watching this at home might know that this is a fucking Monday night, so i

Home might know that this is a fucking Monday night, so i appreciate how many people have

Fucking Monday night, so i appreciate how many people have come.

Appreciate how many people have come. I realize that in this economy,

Come. I realize that in this economy, tickets for things such as

I realize that in this economy, tickets for things such as comedy shows aren't that cheap

Tickets for things such as comedy shows aren't that cheap for men.

Comedy shows aren't that cheap for men. For women, same price they've

For men. For women, same price they've always fucking been, aren't

For women, same price they've always fucking been, aren't they?

Always fucking been, aren't they? Women don't pay for things like

They? Women don't pay for things like this.

Women don't pay for things like this. There's women in this room have

This. There's women in this room have no fucking idea how much the

There's women in this room have no fucking idea how much the ticket for this show cost.

No fucking idea how much the ticket for this show cost. No fucking idea!

Ticket for this show cost. No fucking idea! Your husband came home, said,

No fucking idea! Your husband came home, said, "remember, we're seeing

Your husband came home, said, "remember, we're seeing Jim jefferies," you said, "who?"

"Remember, we're seeing Jim jefferies," you said, "who?" And now you're fucking here.

Jim jefferies," you said, "who?" And now you're fucking here. Women don't pay.

And now you're fucking here. Women don't pay. Basically, women are a bunch of

Women don't pay. Basically, women are a bunch of cunts.

Basically, women are a bunch of cunts. To summarize, women are cunts.

Cunts. To summarize, women are cunts. See, and i don't know if women

To summarize, women are cunts. See, and i don't know if women even know that drinks cost

See, and i don't know if women even know that drinks cost money, you know?

Even know that drinks cost money, you know? Ugly chicks know.

Money, you know? Ugly chicks know. If you know that drinks cost

Ugly chicks know. If you know that drinks cost money, you're a fucking ugly

If you know that drinks cost money, you're a fucking ugly bitch, but otherwise, you're a

Money, you're a fucking ugly bitch, but otherwise, you're a good-Looking girl.

Bitch, but otherwise, you're a good-Looking girl. Good luck to you.

Good-Looking girl. Good luck to you. See, my birthday's on

Good luck to you. See, my birthday's on valentine's day, so even on my

See, my birthday's on valentine's day, so even on my fucking birthday I'm buying some

Valentine's day, so even on my fucking birthday I'm buying some bitch dinner.

Fucking birthday I'm buying some bitch dinner. If i meet a nice girl and I'm in

Bitch dinner. If i meet a nice girl and I'm in a restaurant and the check comes

If i meet a nice girl and I'm in a restaurant and the check comes and i put the credit card

A restaurant and the check comes and i put the credit card down -- And she's a nice girl --

And i put the credit card down -- And she's a nice girl -- She'll do the purse grab.

Down -- And she's a nice girl -- She'll do the purse grab. And if i go, "no, no, no, it's

She'll do the purse grab. And if i go, "no, no, no, it's okay," she's very quick to give

And if i go, "no, no, no, it's okay," she's very quick to give up on that argument.

Okay," she's very quick to give up on that argument. Other arguments, she can keep

Up on that argument. Other arguments, she can keep going for fucking years, but

Other arguments, she can keep going for fucking years, but that one she's ever so gracious

Going for fucking years, but that one she's ever so gracious about.

That one she's ever so gracious about. This is why i think I'd like

About. This is why i think I'd like to be gay.

This is why i think I'd like to be gay. I think gay would be a good move

To be gay. I think gay would be a good move for me.

I think gay would be a good move for me. I wouldn't enjoy the sex.

For me. I wouldn't enjoy the sex. I'd have to get through the sex.

I wouldn't enjoy the sex. I'd have to get through the sex. I would have a cock in my mouth,

I'd have to get through the sex. I would have a cock in my mouth, with tears streaming down my

I would have a cock in my mouth, with tears streaming down my face.

With tears streaming down my face. And as the jizz hit the back of

Face. And as the jizz hit the back of my throat, I'd be thinking of my

And as the jizz hit the back of my throat, I'd be thinking of my happy place, but it'd be

My throat, I'd be thinking of my happy place, but it'd be worthwhile just so i could split

Happy place, but it'd be worthwhile just so i could split the occasional bill.

Worthwhile just so i could split the occasional bill.

- The occasional bill. - that's why gay guys are happy,

that's why gay guys are happy, and that's why lesbians are

That's why gay guys are happy, and that's why lesbians are fucking miserable.

And that's why lesbians are fucking miserable. Lesbians are fucking miserable

Fucking miserable. Lesbians are fucking miserable people 'cause they have to hang

Lesbians are fucking miserable people 'cause they have to hang out with women all day.

People 'cause they have to hang out with women all day. It must be fucking horrible.

Out with women all day. It must be fucking horrible. They must just be sitting there

It must be fucking horrible. They must just be sitting there at dinner, going, "I'm not gonna

They must just be sitting there at dinner, going, "I'm not gonna pay for this bitch.

At dinner, going, "I'm not gonna pay for this bitch. I've just worn my best plaid

Pay for this bitch. I've just worn my best plaid shirt and shaved my head.

I've just worn my best plaid shirt and shaved my head. She better treat me like a

Shirt and shaved my head. She better treat me like a princess."

She better treat me like a princess." Now, if there's any lesbians in

Princess." Now, if there's any lesbians in the room -- And i assume there's

Now, if there's any lesbians in the room -- And i assume there's not, because laughter's not your

The room -- And i assume there's not, because laughter's not your thing -- But if there is, I'd

Not, because laughter's not your thing -- But if there is, I'd like to apologize for that last

Thing -- But if there is, I'd like to apologize for that last joke.

Like to apologize for that last joke. But if you hate men so much,

Joke. But if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them.

But if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them. You never see a Jew dressed as

Stop trying to look like them. You never see a Jew dressed as a Nazi.

You never see a Jew dressed as a Nazi.

See, i did that joke in America. I said lesbians have no sense of humor and they're not fun or

I said lesbians have no sense of humor and they're not fun or whatever.

Humor and they're not fun or whatever. And these two lesbians stood up

Whatever. And these two lesbians stood up and stormed out of the room as

And these two lesbians stood up and stormed out of the room as if to prove my point.

And stormed out of the room as if to prove my point. They're just not fun people.

If to prove my point. They're just not fun people. Gay guys are fun.

They're just not fun people. Gay guys are fun. I don't care how homophobic you

Gay guys are fun. I don't care how homophobic you are.

I don't care how homophobic you are. If you're holding a dinner party

Are. If you're holding a dinner party and a gay guy shows up, you get

If you're holding a dinner party and a gay guy shows up, you get a little bit excited, don't you?

And a gay guy shows up, you get a little bit excited, don't you? You're like, "fucking a

A little bit excited, don't you? You're like, "fucking a gay guy.

You're like, "fucking a gay guy. Strap yourself in, love?

Gay guy. Strap yourself in, love? We got a live one."

Strap yourself in, love? We got a live one." Right?

We got a live one." Right? But if you're holding a dinner

Right? But if you're holding a dinner party and a lesbian shows up,

But if you're holding a dinner party and a lesbian shows up, you're just like, "aw, fuck me.

Party and a lesbian shows up, you're just like, "aw, fuck me. All i wanted to do was relax and

You're just like, "aw, fuck me. All i wanted to do was relax and play pictionary.

All i wanted to do was relax and play pictionary. She's drawing something

Play pictionary. She's drawing something political."

She's drawing something political."

Political." you can't even point lesbians

you can't even point lesbians out, and they're so fucking

You can't even point lesbians out, and they're so fucking obvious.

Out, and they're so fucking obvious. They're so obvi-- But you can't

Obvious. They're so obvi-- But you can't point them out.

They're so obvi-- But you can't point them out. If you saw, like, fucking --

Point them out. If you saw, like, fucking -- If i see like two lesbians in

If you saw, like, fucking -- If i see like two lesbians in the audience and go, "excuse me,

If i see like two lesbians in the audience and go, "excuse me, are you lesbians?" They'll be

The audience and go, "excuse me, are you lesbians?" They'll be like, "what?

Are you lesbians?" They'll be like, "what? What the fuck? What?

Like, "what? What the fuck? What? What do you mean by that?"

What the fuck? What? What do you mean by that?" Right?

What do you mean by that?" Right? But if i see two gay guys in the

Right? But if i see two gay guys in the audience and go, "excuse me --

But if i see two gay guys in the audience and go, "excuse me -- Are you gay guys?" They'll go

- Audience and go, "excuse me -- Are you gay guys? - " They'll go "guilty!"

Are you gay guys?" They'll go "guilty!" 'cause gay guys

"- guilty! - " 'cause gay guys fucking love being gay.

'cause gay guys fucking love being gay. The word "gay" comes from

Fucking love being gay. The word "gay" comes from "happy."

The word "gay" comes from "happy." They like fucking men in the ass

"Happy." They like fucking men in the ass so much, they've called it

They like fucking men in the ass so much, they've called it "happy."

So much, they've called it "happy." I-I have been a heterosexual my

"Happy." I-I have been a heterosexual my whole life.

I-I have been a heterosexual my whole life. I would not call the experience

Whole life. I would not call the experience "happy."

I would not call the experience "happy." I would call it a struggle, at

"Happy." I would call it a struggle, at best.

I would call it a struggle, at best. I'll tell you another reason why

Best. I'll tell you another reason why it must be awesome to be a gay

I'll tell you another reason why it must be awesome to be a gay guy.

It must be awesome to be a gay guy. It must be wonderful to be in a

Guy. It must be wonderful to be in a relationship where, if you're

It must be wonderful to be in a relationship where, if you're partner's being a dickhead, you

Relationship where, if you're partner's being a dickhead, you can punch him in the head.

Partner's being a dickhead, you can punch him in the head. Hasn't that got to give your

Can punch him in the head. Hasn't that got to give your relationship a whole new

Hasn't that got to give your relationship a whole new dimension?

Relationship a whole new dimension? I can't tell you the amount of

Dimension? I can't tell you the amount of arguments I've had with women

I can't tell you the amount of arguments I've had with women that could have been sorted out

Arguments I've had with women that could have been sorted out quicker with a punch.

That could have been sorted out quicker with a punch. And while we're on the subject

Quicker with a punch. And while we're on the subject of domestic violence --

And while we're on the subject of domestic violence -- It's a horrible thing.

Of domestic violence -- It's a horrible thing. Of course it is, and...

It's a horrible thing. Of course it is, and... now, you ever met a woman who's,

Of course it is, and... now, you ever met a woman who's, like, been married like four

Now, you ever met a woman who's, like, been married like four times and she's like, "i guess i

Like, been married like four times and she's like, "i guess i just choose the wrong type of

Times and she's like, "i guess i just choose the wrong type of men"?

Just choose the wrong type of men"? "I've been married four times,

Men"? "I've been married four times, and all my husbands beat me."

"I've been married four times, and all my husbands beat me." And you're like, "all of them?

And all my husbands beat me." And you're like, "all of them? All four?

And you're like, "all of them? All four? One, two, three, fucking four?

All four? One, two, three, fucking four? They all beat you?

One, two, three, fucking four? They all beat you? Someone doesn't know when to

They all beat you? Someone doesn't know when to shut the fuck up, now, do they?"

Someone doesn't know when to shut the fuck up, now, do they?" 'Cause I'm a tolerant man.

Shut the fuck up, now, do they?" 'Cause I'm a tolerant man. I'll give anyone three, but

'Cause I'm a tolerant man. I'll give anyone three, but four?

I'll give anyone three, but four? You're a fucking button-Pusher.

Four? You're a fucking button-Pusher. Come on.

You're a fucking button-Pusher. Come on. That's a nice, cheery way to

Come on. That's a nice, cheery way to start the show.

That's a nice, cheery way to start the show. I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not

Start the show. I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not a lot -- I do some gigs out in

I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not a lot -- I do some gigs out in Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff

A lot -- I do some gigs out in Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff like that, which, if i was in an

Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff like that, which, if i was in an American crowd right now, they'd

Like that, which, if i was in an American crowd right now, they'd go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

American crowd right now, they'd go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!" But I'm not, so i can be honest

Go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!" But I'm not, so i can be honest with you.

But I'm not, so i can be honest with you. I do it for money.

With you. I do it for money. Um, the first time --

I do it for money. Um, the first time -- Over there it's like I'm king.

Um, the first time -- Over there it's like I'm king. The first time i go do a gig in

Over there it's like I'm king. The first time i go do a gig in Iraq, they fly me and my manager

The first time i go do a gig in Iraq, they fly me and my manager in a passenger plane into

Iraq, they fly me and my manager in a passenger plane into Kuwait.

In a passenger plane into Kuwait. Now, it turns out that Kuwait is

Kuwait. Now, it turns out that Kuwait is a regular country that anyone

Now, it turns out that Kuwait is a regular country that anyone can visit.

A regular country that anyone can visit. Then a military truck gets me

Can visit. Then a military truck gets me and my manager and drives us

Then a military truck gets me and my manager and drives us over the border into Iraq and

And my manager and drives us over the border into Iraq and drops us off.

Over the border into Iraq and drops us off. And we're standing in the middle

Drops us off. And we're standing in the middle of the desert of a war-Torn

And we're standing in the middle of the desert of a war-Torn country.

Of the desert of a war-Torn country. We can't see anything on the

Country. We can't see anything on the horizon.

We can't see anything on the horizon. And i turn to my manager and go,

Horizon. And i turn to my manager and go, "good booking, fuckface."

And i turn to my manager and go, "good booking, fuckface." And then this helicopter comes

"Good booking, fuckface." And then this helicopter comes in over the horizon and lands in

And then this helicopter comes in over the horizon and lands in front of us, and the blades are

In over the horizon and lands in front of us, and the blades are still going.

Front of us, and the blades are still going. And this soldier runs off and

Still going. And this soldier runs off and goes, "excuse me!

And this soldier runs off and goes, "excuse me! Are you Jim jefferies?"

Goes, "excuse me! Are you Jim jefferies?" And i went, "what other white

Are you Jim jefferies?" And i went, "what other white cunt were you looking for in the

And i went, "what other white cunt were you looking for in the desert at this exact location?"

Cunt were you looking for in the desert at this exact location?" Then he hands me my bulletproof

Desert at this exact location?" Then he hands me my bulletproof vest and my helmet.

Then he hands me my bulletproof vest and my helmet. He's obviously wearing his

Vest and my helmet. He's obviously wearing his bulletproof vest and his helmet.

He's obviously wearing his bulletproof vest and his helmet. His are camouflaged.

Bulletproof vest and his helmet. His are camouflaged. Mine?

His are camouflaged. Mine? Fucking blue.

Mine? Fucking blue. And i said, "why do i have a

Fucking blue. And i said, "why do i have a blue vest and helmet?"

And i said, "why do i have a blue vest and helmet?" He said, "that's so the enemy

Blue vest and helmet?" He said, "that's so the enemy know you're a civilian."

He said, "that's so the enemy know you're a civilian." I'm like, "does the enemy give

Know you're a civilian." I'm like, "does the enemy give a shit?

I'm like, "does the enemy give a shit? That's my main concern, because

A shit? That's my main concern, because I've never been a sniper."

That's my main concern, because I've never been a sniper." But every time i got off the

I've never been a sniper." But every time i got off the helicopter, i was surrounded by

But every time i got off the helicopter, i was surrounded by soldiers protecting me.

Helicopter, i was surrounded by soldiers protecting me. If i was a sniper, I'd be like,

Soldiers protecting me. If i was a sniper, I'd be like, "the cunt in blue looks

If i was a sniper, I'd be like, "the cunt in blue looks important."

"The cunt in blue looks important." Right?

Important." Right? So...we got in this helicopter.

Right? So...we got in this helicopter.

So...we got in this helicopter. and we're sitting in this

and we're sitting in this chopper.

And we're sitting in this chopper. That's what we call them in the

Chopper. That's what we call them in the biz -- "Chopper."

That's what we call them in the biz -- "Chopper." And I'm sitting here.

Biz -- "Chopper." And I'm sitting here. And i got two soldiers sitting

And I'm sitting here. And i got two soldiers sitting next to me there, my manager,

And i got two soldiers sitting next to me there, my manager, Brett, sitting there.

Next to me there, my manager, Brett, sitting there. He's got two soldiers sitting

Brett, sitting there. He's got two soldiers sitting next to him.

He's got two soldiers sitting next to him. There's two soldiers in the

Next to him. There's two soldiers in the cockpit.

There's two soldiers in the cockpit. There's a great big door open

Cockpit. There's a great big door open next to me there, and there's

There's a great big door open next to me there, and there's another door open there, and at

Next to me there, and there's another door open there, and at that door is a soldier with a

Another door open there, and at that door is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge, with

That door is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge, with bullets coming out of it like

Great big gun on a hinge, with bullets coming out of it like that thing that Chewbacca wears.

Bullets coming out of it like that thing that Chewbacca wears. And we take off, and off we go

That thing that Chewbacca wears. And we take off, and off we go to Baghdad.

And we take off, and off we go to Baghdad. And as we hit the border of the

To Baghdad. And as we hit the border of the city, i hear a great big "bang!"

And as we hit the border of the city, i hear a great big "bang!" And these two small flares shoot

City, i hear a great big "bang!" And these two small flares shoot out from the small wings of the

And these two small flares shoot out from the small wings of the helicopter, followed by a trail

Out from the small wings of the helicopter, followed by a trail of smoke.

Helicopter, followed by a trail of smoke. And the helicopter goes,

Of smoke. And the helicopter goes, "fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"

And the helicopter goes, "fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!" Now, the reason they do this is,

"Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!" Now, the reason they do this is, when they get over the danger

Now, the reason they do this is, when they get over the danger area, if there's a heat-Seeking

When they get over the danger area, if there's a heat-Seeking missile, it'll be distracted by

Area, if there's a heat-Seeking missile, it'll be distracted by the flares, and then the

Missile, it'll be distracted by the flares, and then the helicopter will fly out of

The flares, and then the helicopter will fly out of range -- Very clever.

Helicopter will fly out of range -- Very clever. Now...

Range -- Very clever. Now... they never told me this was

Now... they never told me this was happening.

They never told me this was happening. As far as I'm concerned, the

Happening. As far as I'm concerned, the wings have just exploded and

As far as I'm concerned, the wings have just exploded and we're now plummeting to our

Wings have just exploded and we're now plummeting to our death, but it's nice to know how

We're now plummeting to our death, but it's nice to know how you react under pressure,

Death, but it's nice to know how you react under pressure, because i reacted thusly -- By

You react under pressure, because i reacted thusly -- By vomiting over my lovely blue

Because i reacted thusly -- By vomiting over my lovely blue vest, ironically making it more

Vomiting over my lovely blue vest, ironically making it more camouflage than it was before,

Vest, ironically making it more camouflage than it was before, and yelling out, "we're going

Camouflage than it was before, and yelling out, "we're going down!"

And yelling out, "we're going down!" The two pilots, the sergeants,

Down!" The two pilots, the sergeants, the gunner -- They all start

The two pilots, the sergeants, the gunner -- They all start pissing themselves, laughing.

The gunner -- They all start pissing themselves, laughing. They're reaching through.

Pissing themselves, laughing. They're reaching through. They're high-Fiving each other.

They're reaching through. They're high-Fiving each other. They're tearing it down.

They're high-Fiving each other. They're tearing it down. They've been waiting for this

They're tearing it down. They've been waiting for this joke for months.

They've been waiting for this joke for months. I'm cleaning vomit off myself,

Joke for months. I'm cleaning vomit off myself, going, "you, that was a good

I'm cleaning vomit off myself, going, "you, that was a good one.

Going, "you, that was a good one. Thank you for defending my

One. Thank you for defending my freedom."

Thank you for defending my freedom." Right?

Freedom." Right? So, i sit back down, covered in

Right? So, i sit back down, covered in vomit in the helicopter --

So, i sit back down, covered in vomit in the helicopter --""

Vomit in the helicopter -- "" And so I'm trying to look out

"" And so I'm trying to look out the door to try to un-Quease

And so I'm trying to look out the door to try to un-Quease myself.

The door to try to un-Quease myself. And I'm looking out over the

Myself. And I'm looking out over the ground, over Baghdad -- By the

And I'm looking out over the ground, over Baghdad -- By the way, Baghdad, beautiful city,

Ground, over Baghdad -- By the way, Baghdad, beautiful city, untouched -- And i look out on

Way, Baghdad, beautiful city, untouched -- And i look out on the ground, and i see a little

Untouched -- And i look out on the ground, and i see a little Arab fellow with a handgun

The ground, and i see a little Arab fellow with a handgun shooting up at the helicopter,

Arab fellow with a handgun shooting up at the helicopter, just --

Shooting up at the helicopter, just -- once again, i freak out.

Just -- once again, i freak out. "We're being fired on!"

Once again, i freak out. "We're being fired on!" The gunner now is laughing so

"We're being fired on!" The gunner now is laughing so fucking hard.

The gunner now is laughing so fucking hard. He's laughing even harder than

Fucking hard. He's laughing even harder than he was before.

He's laughing even harder than he was before. He's laughing so hard, he's

He was before. He's laughing so hard, he's keeled over.

He's laughing so hard, he's keeled over. The gun's just dangling out in

Keeled over. The gun's just dangling out in the hinge.

The gun's just dangling out in the hinge. And I'm like, "what's your

The hinge. And I'm like, "what's your fucking problem, man?"

And I'm like, "what's your fucking problem, man?" And he's like, "Jim, you're

Fucking problem, man?" And he's like, "Jim, you're gonna have to calm down, mate.

And he's like, "Jim, you're gonna have to calm down, mate. We're in a military helicopter

Gonna have to calm down, mate. We're in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom.

We're in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom. That's a handgun.

With a bulletproof bottom. That's a handgun. We're so high up, the bullets

That's a handgun. We're so high up, the bullets can't even reach us.

We're so high up, the bullets can't even reach us. They just sort of go --

Can't even reach us. They just sort of go --"

They just sort of go -- and then i jokingly said,

and then i jokingly said, "i bet our bullets

And then i jokingly said, "i bet our bullets can reach him."

"i bet our bullets can reach him." And he went, "yeah."

Can reach him." And he went, "yeah."

And the little cunt died. And -- And i was like,

And -- And i was like, i was just saying, mate.

"i was just saying, mate. I was just saying.

I was just saying, mate. I was just saying. I didn't want to ruin anyone's

I was just saying. I didn't want to ruin anyone's day."

I didn't want to ruin anyone's day."

Day." isn't that a fun story about a

isn't that a fun story about a man dying?

Isn't that a fun story about a man dying? It's funny, though.

Man dying? It's funny, though. My limited time in a war zone,

It's funny, though. My limited time in a war zone, i really, you know, didn't see

My limited time in a war zone, i really, you know, didn't see what all the bad stuff was.

I really, you know, didn't see what all the bad stuff was. They were very nice to me.

What all the bad stuff was. They were very nice to me. But this was kind of crazy to

They were very nice to me. But this was kind of crazy to me 'cause i don't know,

But this was kind of crazy to me 'cause i don't know, historically, how we're gonna

Me 'cause i don't know, historically, how we're gonna talk about it.

Historically, how we're gonna talk about it. See, like, my grandfather --

Talk about it. See, like, my grandfather -- He fought during the second

See, like, my grandfather -- He fought during the second world war, for the japs, weirdly

He fought during the second world war, for the japs, weirdly enough.

World war, for the japs, weirdly enough. No, no, for the Australians.

Enough. No, no, for the Australians. He killed a lot of Japanese --

No, no, for the Australians. He killed a lot of Japanese -- Hated them till he died.

He killed a lot of Japanese -- Hated them till he died. "Love the food, hate the

Hated them till he died. "Love the food, hate the people," he used to say.

"Love the food, hate the people," he used to say. What a complex man.

People," he used to say. What a complex man. And...

What a complex man. And... i used to love listening -- When

And... i used to love listening -- When i was a kid, listening to him

I used to love listening -- When i was a kid, listening to him tell stories about killing

I was a kid, listening to him tell stories about killing Nazis.

Tell stories about killing Nazis. There was always something

Nazis. There was always something exciting about it, you know?

There was always something exciting about it, you know? I just don't know what i would

Exciting about it, you know? I just don't know what i would tell my grandson about what's

I just don't know what i would tell my grandson about what's happening in history now.

Tell my grandson about what's happening in history now. I imagine i'll be 80 years old,

Happening in history now. I imagine i'll be 80 years old, i'll be sitting in my chair, and

I imagine i'll be 80 years old, i'll be sitting in my chair, and my grandson will be on the

I'll be sitting in my chair, and my grandson will be on the floor, looking up at me

My grandson will be on the floor, looking up at me adoringly.

Floor, looking up at me adoringly. And i'll go, "now, there used to

Adoringly. And i'll go, "now, there used to be these people called Arabs.

And i'll go, "now, there used to be these people called Arabs. And they lived in the

Be these people called Arabs. And they lived in the middle east, or, as you call it,

And they lived in the middle east, or, as you call it, the radiation zone.

Middle east, or, as you call it, the radiation zone. In 2020,

The radiation zone. In 2020, president Macaulay culkin got

In 2020, president Macaulay culkin got really upset with the Arabs, and

President Macaulay culkin got really upset with the Arabs, and he nuked them all.

Really upset with the Arabs, and he nuked them all. But what Macaulay culkin and the

He nuked them all. But what Macaulay culkin and the rest of the Americans hadn't

But what Macaulay culkin and the rest of the Americans hadn't realized was that china had

Rest of the Americans hadn't realized was that china had slowly but surely become the

Realized was that china had slowly but surely become the superpower of the world.

Slowly but surely become the superpower of the world. So, while the Americans were

Superpower of the world. So, while the Americans were nuking the Arabs, the Chinese

So, while the Americans were nuking the Arabs, the Chinese nuked the Americans, and that's

Nuking the Arabs, the Chinese nuked the Americans, and that's why we have no Americans and no

Nuked the Americans, and that's why we have no Americans and no Arabs."

Why we have no Americans and no Arabs." And then my grandson will look

Arabs." And then my grandson will look up at me and go...

And then my grandson will look up at me and go... "mashaba awa."

you know what i like about that

you know what i like about that joke?

You know what i like about that joke? It has the feel of racism, but

Joke? It has the feel of racism, but you can't pick the exact moment.

It has the feel of racism, but you can't pick the exact moment. Like, you know it is.

You can't pick the exact moment. Like, you know it is. It's definitely racist.

Like, you know it is. It's definitely racist. So, let's change the subject

It's definitely racist. So, let's change the subject quickly.

So, let's change the subject quickly. How do blind people wipe their

Quickly. How do blind people wipe their asses?

How do blind people wipe their asses? I know you're thinking, "the

Asses? I know you're thinking, "the same as us," but you're not

I know you're thinking, "the same as us," but you're not thinking outside the box, 'cause

Same as us," but you're not thinking outside the box, 'cause wiping your ass is a very visual

Thinking outside the box, 'cause wiping your ass is a very visual activity.

Wiping your ass is a very visual activity. No one's ever just leant up,

Activity. No one's ever just leant up, wiped, then dropped into the

No one's ever just leant up, wiped, then dropped into the bowl.

Wiped, then dropped into the bowl. You wipe. You check.

Bowl. You wipe. You check. "There's a lot of poo there.

You wipe. You check. "There's a lot of poo there. I'm gonna wipe again.

"There's a lot of poo there. I'm gonna wipe again. There's still a lot of poo.

I'm gonna wipe again. There's still a lot of poo. It feels dry, but there's

There's still a lot of poo. It feels dry, but there's still poo.

It feels dry, but there's still poo. I think i left one up there."

Still poo. I think i left one up there." I bet that's where the dog comes

I think i left one up there." I bet that's where the dog comes in handy.

I bet that's where the dog comes in handy.

In handy.

No!

No! No, don't --

No! No, don't -- I'm not saying the dog licks

No, don't -- I'm not saying the dog licks the blind person's ass!

I'm not saying the dog licks the blind person's ass! I'm saying these are very

The blind person's ass! I'm saying these are very intelligent dogs.

I'm saying these are very intelligent dogs. They would have worked out some

Intelligent dogs. They would have worked out some form of barking system.

They would have worked out some form of barking system. So, the blind guy would have the

Form of barking system. So, the blind guy would have the dog, like, sit in front of him.

So, the blind guy would have the dog, like, sit in front of him. "Woof woof woof."

Dog, like, sit in front of him. "Woof woof woof." "Woof woof."

"Woof woof woof." "Woof woof." "Woof."

And they'd probably work out some special Morse code-Y bark for when there's blood in the

Some special Morse code-Y bark for when there's blood in the poo.

For when there's blood in the poo. No, 'cause they've already been

Poo. No, 'cause they've already been through a rough time.

No, 'cause they've already been through a rough time. They're blind.

Through a rough time. They're blind. No need for ass cancer.

They're blind. No need for ass cancer. Not that blood always means

No need for ass cancer. Not that blood always means ass cancer.

Not that blood always means ass cancer. I suffer from hemorrhoids, have

Ass cancer. I suffer from hemorrhoids, have done since i was 22 years old.

I suffer from hemorrhoids, have done since i was 22 years old. And it's a very young age to get

Done since i was 22 years old. And it's a very young age to get hemorrhoids, but there's a lot

And it's a very young age to get hemorrhoids, but there's a lot of blood involved.

Hemorrhoids, but there's a lot of blood involved. If you've never had one, there's

Of blood involved. If you've never had one, there's a lot of blood involved in a bad

If you've never had one, there's a lot of blood involved in a bad hemorrhoid.

A lot of blood involved in a bad hemorrhoid. I've had toilet bowls that look

Hemorrhoid. I've had toilet bowls that look like abortions.

I've had toilet bowls that look like abortions. Now, I'm not -- It's not good.

Like abortions. Now, I'm not -- It's not good. And the first time, when you're

Now, I'm not -- It's not good. And the first time, when you're 22 and you get one, your brain

And the first time, when you're 22 and you get one, your brain goes to ass cancer.

22 and you get one, your brain goes to ass cancer. You're like, "i got ass

Goes to ass cancer. You're like, "i got ass cancer," because no one ever

You're like, "i got ass cancer," because no one ever told you about hemorrhoids when

Cancer," because no one ever told you about hemorrhoids when you're young.

Told you about hemorrhoids when you're young. Your dad never sits you down and

You're young. Your dad never sits you down and goes, "when you get a bit older,

Your dad never sits you down and goes, "when you get a bit older, you'll be pushing a poo a little

Goes, "when you get a bit older, you'll be pushing a poo a little bit hard, and a small portion of

You'll be pushing a poo a little bit hard, and a small portion of your asshole will fall out.

Bit hard, and a small portion of your asshole will fall out. Now, it's nothing to be alarmed

Your asshole will fall out. Now, it's nothing to be alarmed about.

Now, it's nothing to be alarmed about. It's just part of becoming a

About. It's just part of becoming a man."

It's just part of becoming a man." So, the first time i got a

man." So, the first time i got a hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone

So, the first time i got a hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone 'cause i thought i was dying,

Hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone 'cause i thought i was dying, obviously.

'Cause i thought i was dying, obviously. And i go to see my doctor, the

Obviously. And i go to see my doctor, the same doctor that I've had my

And i go to see my doctor, the same doctor that I've had my whole life, and he makes me --

Same doctor that I've had my whole life, and he makes me -- I go, "i got ass cancer."

Whole life, and he makes me -- I go, "i got ass cancer." And he makes me bend over a

I go, "i got ass cancer." And he makes me bend over a chair.

And he makes me bend over a chair. And then he gets a rubber glove

Chair. And then he gets a rubber glove on, and he sort of prods around

And then he gets a rubber glove on, and he sort of prods around my ass a little bit.

On, and he sort of prods around my ass a little bit. And he goes, "you've just

My ass a little bit. And he goes, "you've just got hemorrhoids there."

And he goes, "you've just got hemorrhoids there." And i said, "i thought that only

Got hemorrhoids there." And i said, "i thought that only happens to old people and

And i said, "i thought that only happens to old people and pregnant women."

Happens to old people and pregnant women." And he went, "and you."

So, i live in America now, and i --

I --

people get so entertained by

people get so entertained by that, but where else am i gonna

People get so entertained by that, but where else am i gonna put them?

That, but where else am i gonna put them? We'll put that away for

Put them? We'll put that away for continuity, in case they cut

We'll put that away for continuity, in case they cut the jokes up differently.

Continuity, in case they cut the jokes up differently. There we go.

The jokes up differently. There we go. That's a bit of a --

There we go. That's a bit of a -- 'Cause i know there's people

That's a bit of a -- 'Cause i know there's people that are sitting at home, going,

'Cause i know there's people that are sitting at home, going, "that beer went like

That are sitting at home, going, "that beer went like that, then it it went like that,

"that beer went like that, then it it went like that, then it went like that."

That, then it it went like that, then it went like that." Fucking nerds.

Then it went like that." Fucking nerds. So, i live in America, and it

Fucking nerds. So, i live in America, and it fucking blows my mind i live in

So, i live in America, and it fucking blows my mind i live in America now, man.

Fucking blows my mind i live in America now, man. I -- Coming from Australia and

America now, man. I -- Coming from Australia and everything, i never thought I'd

I -- Coming from Australia and everything, i never thought I'd sort of go this far with my

Everything, i never thought I'd sort of go this far with my career or anything.

Sort of go this far with my career or anything. And i find myself -- Now I'm out

Career or anything. And i find myself -- Now I'm out there auditioning for major

And i find myself -- Now I'm out there auditioning for major movies and shit, man.

There auditioning for major movies and shit, man. And i still feel retarded every

Movies and shit, man. And i still feel retarded every time i go in there.

And i still feel retarded every time i go in there. Now, the first time i went for

Time i go in there. Now, the first time i went for an audition, I'd been in l.A.

Now, the first time i went for an audition, I'd been in l.A. For like a couple days.

An audition, I'd been in l.A. For like a couple days. And my agency sent me to this

For like a couple days. And my agency sent me to this audition and i went along and i

And my agency sent me to this audition and i went along and i met this girl in the corridor

Audition and i went along and i met this girl in the corridor called Carla.

Met this girl in the corridor called Carla. And i was really nervous, and

Called Carla. And i was really nervous, and she could tell i was nervous.

And i was really nervous, and she could tell i was nervous. And she sort of calmed me down

She could tell i was nervous. And she sort of calmed me down and we had a little bit of a

And she sort of calmed me down and we had a little bit of a chat and she was really cute,

And we had a little bit of a chat and she was really cute, and we flirted together and

Chat and she was really cute, and we flirted together and stuff.

And we flirted together and stuff. And then i went and read the

Stuff. And then i went and read the little bit, and then i went

And then i went and read the little bit, and then i went home.

Little bit, and then i went home. And then i got a call later on

Home. And then i got a call later on that afternoon, going, "they

And then i got a call later on that afternoon, going, "they loved you.

That afternoon, going, "they loved you. You're gonna come back for a

Loved you. You're gonna come back for a callback."

You're gonna come back for a callback." So I'm like, "excellent.

Callback." So I'm like, "excellent. That's good.

So I'm like, "excellent. That's good. So, i go back for the callback,

That's good. So, i go back for the callback, and when you do callbacks, often

So, i go back for the callback, and when you do callbacks, often they have you reading with

And when you do callbacks, often they have you reading with another person.

They have you reading with another person. So, I'm in the room, reading

Another person. So, I'm in the room, reading with this girl, and it's the

So, I'm in the room, reading with this girl, and it's the same girl from the corridor.

With this girl, and it's the same girl from the corridor. It's Carla, right?

Same girl from the corridor. It's Carla, right? And we're sort of flirting,

It's Carla, right? And we're sort of flirting, going, "hey, from the thing

And we're sort of flirting, going, "hey, from the thing before -- "

Going, "hey, from the thing before -- " And so we're reading.

Before -- " And so we're reading. We have great on-Screen

And so we're reading. We have great on-Screen chemistry and all that type of

We have great on-Screen chemistry and all that type of stuff.

Chemistry and all that type of stuff. Then after the audition, i said,

Stuff. Then after the audition, i said, "Carla, do you have any taxicab

Then after the audition, i said, "Carla, do you have any taxicab numbers?

"Carla, do you have any taxicab numbers? I got to get to my next

Numbers? I got to get to my next audition."

I got to get to my next audition." She said, "where are you trying

Audition." She said, "where are you trying to get to?"

She said, "where are you trying to get to?" And i went, "Santa Monica."

To get to?" And i went, "Santa Monica." And she said, "that's where I'm

And i went, "Santa Monica." And she said, "that's where I'm going.

And she said, "that's where I'm going. I'll give you a lift."

Going. I'll give you a lift." Now, please note at this stage

I'll give you a lift." Now, please note at this stage of the story i didn't ask for

Now, please note at this stage of the story i didn't ask for the lift.

Of the story i didn't ask for the lift. We go down to the car.

The lift. We go down to the car. She gets in.

We go down to the car. She gets in. She unwinds my window.

She gets in. She unwinds my window. She looks out and goes, "Jim,

She unwinds my window. She looks out and goes, "Jim, what's your full name?"

She looks out and goes, "Jim, what's your full name?" And i went, "Jim jefferies."

What's your full name?" And i went, "Jim jefferies." And she went, "wait there."

And i went, "Jim jefferies." And she went, "wait there." Then she called her mom up and

And she went, "wait there." Then she called her mom up and said, "hi, mom. It's Carla."

Then she called her mom up and said, "hi, mom. It's Carla." I just met a very nice boy at

Said, "hi, mom. It's Carla." I just met a very nice boy at the audition today, and I'm

I just met a very nice boy at the audition today, and I'm going to give him a lift.

The audition today, and I'm going to give him a lift. But in case i get raped or

Going to give him a lift. But in case i get raped or murdered, his name's

But in case i get raped or murdered, his name's Jim jefferies.

Murdered, his name's Jim jefferies. So if you don't hear from me in

Jim jefferies. So if you don't hear from me in an hour, assume something bad

So if you don't hear from me in an hour, assume something bad has happened and call the cops.

An hour, assume something bad has happened and call the cops. Get it, Jim!"

Has happened and call the cops. Get it, Jim!" So i get in.

Get it, Jim!" So i get in. We got like a 15-Mile drive.

So i get in. We got like a 15-Mile drive. I say fucking nothing for the

We got like a 15-Mile drive. I say fucking nothing for the first 5 miles.

I say fucking nothing for the first 5 miles. I just look forward.

First 5 miles. I just look forward. And eventually i turn to her and

I just look forward. And eventually i turn to her and go, "you've just made this rape

And eventually i turn to her and go, "you've just made this rape really awkward."

Go, "you've just made this rape really awkward." She fucking freaks out!

Really awkward." She fucking freaks out! She slams her foot on the

She fucking freaks out! She slams her foot on the brakes.

She slams her foot on the brakes. She skids off the highway.

Brakes. She skids off the highway. She starts slapping at me.

She skids off the highway. She starts slapping at me. I'm grabbing her wrists.

She starts slapping at me. I'm grabbing her wrists. Now i feel kind of rapey, and

I'm grabbing her wrists. Now i feel kind of rapey, and i didn't want to.

Now i feel kind of rapey, and i didn't want to. And it's like, "you offered the

I didn't want to. And it's like, "you offered the lift!

And it's like, "you offered the lift! I didn't ask for the fucking

Lift! I didn't ask for the fucking lift!

I didn't ask for the fucking lift! You seem more concerned in

Lift! You seem more concerned in solving this crime than

You seem more concerned in solving this crime than preventing it."

Solving this crime than preventing it." So, i raped her to teach her a

Preventing it." So, i raped her to teach her a lesson, 'cause...

So, i raped her to teach her a lesson, 'cause...

- Lesson, 'cause... - ...how else would she learn?

...how else would she learn? We're trying to sell this show

...how else would she learn? We're trying to sell this show to the Americans.

We're trying to sell this show to the Americans. I don't like our chances.

To the Americans. I don't like our chances. So, let's do something we can

I don't like our chances. So, let's do something we can all enjoy.

So, let's do something we can all enjoy. Sometimes when I'm fucking a

All enjoy. Sometimes when I'm fucking a chick, i go to fuck them again

Sometimes when I'm fucking a chick, i go to fuck them again in the morning, and they'll say

Chick, i go to fuck them again in the morning, and they'll say something like this --

In the morning, and they'll say something like this -- "No.

Something like this -- "No. When we fucked last night, it

"No. When we fucked last night, it was a little bit dry, and now

When we fucked last night, it was a little bit dry, and now I'm sore."

Was a little bit dry, and now I'm sore." Now, to any woman who's said

I'm sore." Now, to any woman who's said something similar to this, may i

Now, to any woman who's said something similar to this, may i say, "your problem.

Something similar to this, may i say, "your problem. My job was to get an erection.

Say, "your problem. My job was to get an erection. Your job was to get your hole

My job was to get an erection. Your job was to get your hole wet.

Your job was to get your hole wet. Didn't you get your hole wet?

Wet. Didn't you get your hole wet? We both had things to do"?

Didn't you get your hole wet? We both had things to do"? See...

We both had things to do"? See... if i don't get an erection

See... if i don't get an erection during sex, I'm called impotent.

If i don't get an erection during sex, I'm called impotent. But a dry hole is the same as a

During sex, I'm called impotent. But a dry hole is the same as a flaccid penis.

But a dry hole is the same as a flaccid penis. A dry hole is an impotent hole

Flaccid penis. A dry hole is an impotent hole and you're not a complete woman

A dry hole is an impotent hole and you're not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of

And you're not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself.

And you should be ashamed of yourself.

- Yourself. - but women don't take

but women don't take responsibility for the dry hole.

But women don't take responsibility for the dry hole. If i go to fuck a chick tonight

Responsibility for the dry hole. If i go to fuck a chick tonight and i get too drunk, which i

If i go to fuck a chick tonight and i get too drunk, which i will -- And i go to fuck a chick

And i get too drunk, which i will -- And i go to fuck a chick and i don't get an erection,

Will -- And i go to fuck a chick and i don't get an erection, she'll go back to her friends

And i don't get an erection, she'll go back to her friends and go, "i went to fuck that

She'll go back to her friends and go, "i went to fuck that Jim jefferies.

And go, "i went to fuck that Jim jefferies. He couldn't get an erection."

Jim jefferies. He couldn't get an erection." But if i go to fuck a chick and

He couldn't get an erection." But if i go to fuck a chick and she doesn't get wet, she'll go

But if i go to fuck a chick and she doesn't get wet, she'll go back to her friends and go,

She doesn't get wet, she'll go back to her friends and go, "i fucked Jim jefferies.

Back to her friends and go, "i fucked Jim jefferies. He didn't even get me wet."

"I fucked Jim jefferies. He didn't even get me wet." Do you see the problem there?

He didn't even get me wet." Do you see the problem there? I'm in charge of everything.

Do you see the problem there? I'm in charge of everything. It's like -- I used to fuck this

I'm in charge of everything. It's like -- I used to fuck this chick for a while.

It's like -- I used to fuck this chick for a while. I start fucking her, and she

Chick for a while. I start fucking her, and she sent me a text -- Well, you

I start fucking her, and she sent me a text -- Well, you know, i just stopped calling

Sent me a text -- Well, you know, i just stopped calling her, you know, just ignored her.

Know, i just stopped calling her, you know, just ignored her. And she sent me a text message

Her, you know, just ignored her. And she sent me a text message a month later that went, "

And she sent me a text message a month later that went, " by the way, you never made me

A month later that went, " by the way, you never made me come."

By the way, you never made me come." And i was like, "pfft, really?

Come." And i was like, "pfft, really? You think you're the one who

And i was like, "pfft, really? You think you're the one who makes me come?

You think you're the one who makes me come? Do you want to know who makes

Makes me come? Do you want to know who makes me come?

Do you want to know who makes me come? I make me come!

Me come? I make me come! All the horrible thoughts i

I make me come! All the horrible thoughts i have in my fucking head makes

All the horrible thoughts i have in my fucking head makes me come!

Have in my fucking head makes me come! You have very little to do

Me come! You have very little to do with it.

You have very little to do with it. You're just the container i

With it. You're just the container i shoot it into."

You're just the container i shoot it into."

Shoot it into." but let's go back to the dry

but let's go back to the dry cunt.

But let's go back to the dry cunt. There are women in the room who

Cunt. There are women in the room who are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't

There are women in the room who are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't be dry if there was a bit of

Are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't be dry if there was a bit of foreplay."

Be dry if there was a bit of foreplay." Let's explain foreplay.

Foreplay." Let's explain foreplay. Foreplay is what we do to each

Let's explain foreplay. Foreplay is what we do to each other to get each other ready

Foreplay is what we do to each other to get each other ready for sex.

Other to get each other ready for sex. If i have an erection, that

For sex. If i have an erection, that means I'm ready for sex and

If i have an erection, that means I'm ready for sex and I'm all foreplayed out.

Means I'm ready for sex and I'm all foreplayed out. Now, the foreplay that's

I'm all foreplayed out. Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a woman goes like

Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a woman goes like this -- You got to start by

Necessary for a woman goes like this -- You got to start by kissing them.

This -- You got to start by kissing them. Women love kissing.

Kissing them. Women love kissing. Men don't give a shit about

Women love kissing. Men don't give a shit about kissing.

Men don't give a shit about kissing. We kiss you because we like you

Kissing. We kiss you because we like you and -- Let's be honest -- We

We kiss you because we like you and -- Let's be honest -- We spoil you.

And -- Let's be honest -- We spoil you. Men don't give a fuck about

Spoil you. Men don't give a fuck about kissing.

Men don't give a fuck about kissing. Used to like kissing when we

Kissing. Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens.

Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick.

Were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, "what's this kissing

Then someone sucked our dick. And then, "what's this kissing thing?

And then, "what's this kissing thing? Why am i kissing this person?

Thing? Why am i kissing this person? Why would i ride on the swings?

Why am i kissing this person? Why would i ride on the swings? I've already been to

Why would i ride on the swings? I've already been to Disneyland."

I've already been to Disneyland." But we kiss you 'cause we like

Disneyland." But we kiss you 'cause we like you and we're a charitable

But we kiss you 'cause we like you and we're a charitable bunch.

You and we're a charitable bunch. Then you start kissing down the

Bunch. Then you start kissing down the neck.

Then you start kissing down the neck. Now, the whole time you're doing

Neck. Now, the whole time you're doing this, you're working downwards,

Now, the whole time you're doing this, you're working downwards, towards the cunt.

This, you're working downwards, towards the cunt. Now, you know you're going to

Towards the cunt. Now, you know you're going to the cunt.

Now, you know you're going to the cunt. She knows you're going to the

The cunt. She knows you're going to the cunt.

She knows you're going to the cunt. Everybody knows...you're going

Cunt. Everybody knows...you're going to the cunt.

Everybody knows...you're going to the cunt. But for some unbeknown reason,

To the cunt. But for some unbeknown reason, you have to act like you're not

But for some unbeknown reason, you have to act like you're not going to the cunt and that

You have to act like you're not going to the cunt and that you're enjoying the journey of

Going to the cunt and that you're enjoying the journey of this creature.

You're enjoying the journey of this creature. Women -- You got to give them a

This creature. Women -- You got to give them a journey.

Women -- You got to give them a journey. Men don't give a shit about a

Journey. Men don't give a shit about a journey.

Men don't give a shit about a journey. If a man's driving from point

Journey. If a man's driving from point "a" to point "b," we fill the

If a man's driving from point "a" to point "b," we fill the tank, we get on the motorway,

"A" to point "b," we fill the tank, we get on the motorway, we make good time, right?

Tank, we get on the motorway, we make good time, right? With women, you got to give them

We make good time, right? With women, you got to give them a fucking journey.

With women, you got to give them a fucking journey. You got to take them by the

A fucking journey. You got to take them by the water or antiquing or some shit.

You got to take them by the water or antiquing or some shit.

Water or antiquing or some shit. see, the thing is women read so

see, the thing is women read so many magazines about how to send

See, the thing is women read so many magazines about how to send your man wild and how to

Many magazines about how to send your man wild and how to titillate your man and all these

Your man wild and how to titillate your man and all these 25 steps to do all the --

Titillate your man and all these 25 steps to do all the -- It's a lot of fucking bullshit.

25 steps to do all the -- It's a lot of fucking bullshit. "get a feather."

It's a lot of fucking bullshit. "get a feather." "Involve food in the

"get a feather." "Involve food in the relationship."

"Involve food in the relationship." This is all bullshit.

Relationship." This is all bullshit. "Play with his nipples."

This is all bullshit. "Play with his nipples." These things are fucking dead!

"Play with his nipples." These things are fucking dead! They're dead to me!

These things are fucking dead! They're dead to me! These mean nothing!

They're dead to me! These mean nothing! You could cut these off and

These mean nothing! You could cut these off and donate them to some poor African

You could cut these off and donate them to some poor African child without nipples!

Donate them to some poor African child without nipples! I wouldn't give a fuck.

Child without nipples! I wouldn't give a fuck. This is what we want you to

I wouldn't give a fuck. This is what we want you to do -- Fucking suck our cock and

This is what we want you to do -- Fucking suck our cock and cup our balls.

Do -- Fucking suck our cock and cup our balls. And when you're sucking our

Cup our balls. And when you're sucking our cock, look like you're in a bit

And when you're sucking our cock, look like you're in a bit of pain because we enjoy it if

Cock, look like you're in a bit of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable.

Of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable.

- You look uncomfortable. - anyway, but back to the lady --

anyway, but back to the lady -- You keep kissing down.

Anyway, but back to the lady -- You keep kissing down. Now you're at the tits.

You keep kissing down. Now you're at the tits. Now, tits are a mixed bag.

Now you're at the tits. Now, tits are a mixed bag. Some tits you got to be firm

Now, tits are a mixed bag. Some tits you got to be firm with.

Some tits you got to be firm with. Some tits you got to be soft

With. Some tits you got to be soft with.

Some tits you got to be soft with. Some tits, you can bite the

With. Some tits, you can bite the nipple.

Some tits, you can bite the nipple. Some tits, don't even go near

Nipple. Some tits, don't even go near the nipple.

Some tits, don't even go near the nipple. Tits are like golf -- You play

The nipple. Tits are like golf -- You play the course you're on.

Tits are like golf -- You play the course you're on. Then...you keep kissing down.

The course you're on. Then...you keep kissing down. Now you're at the cunt.

Then...you keep kissing down. Now you're at the cunt. But even when you get to the

Now you're at the cunt. But even when you get to the cunt, you have to act like

But even when you get to the cunt, you have to act like you're not at the cunt.

Cunt, you have to act like you're not at the cunt. You have to act like you've

You're not at the cunt. You have to act like you've stumbled upon the cunt by

You have to act like you've stumbled upon the cunt by accident.

Stumbled upon the cunt by accident. So, you'll be kissing, like, a

Accident. So, you'll be kissing, like, a dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and

So, you'll be kissing, like, a dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and the cunt's there.

Dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and the cunt's there. And you have to sort of almost,

The cunt's there. And you have to sort of almost, "hello!

And you have to sort of almost, "hello! I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.

"Hello! I was visiting dimple-Y thigh. I forgot you lived down here.

I was visiting dimple-Y thigh. I forgot you lived down here. No, always a pleasure, never a

I forgot you lived down here. No, always a pleasure, never a chore.

No, always a pleasure, never a chore. Do you mind if i pop in?"

Chore. Do you mind if i pop in?" Then you lick the whole general

Do you mind if i pop in?" Then you lick the whole general cunt area.

Then you lick the whole general cunt area. Then there's a bit at the top of

Cunt area. Then there's a bit at the top of the cunt -- If you lick that,

Then there's a bit at the top of the cunt -- If you lick that, they seem to enjoy it.

The cunt -- If you lick that, they seem to enjoy it. This all takes between 10 and 40

They seem to enjoy it. This all takes between 10 and 40 minutes.

This all takes between 10 and 40 minutes. And she might be wet.

Minutes. And she might be wet. And that's the foreplay that's

And she might be wet. And that's the foreplay that's necessary for a woman.

And that's the foreplay that's necessary for a woman. Now, the foreplay that's

Necessary for a woman. Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a man -- We just

Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a man -- We just need to see you naked.

Necessary for a man -- We just need to see you naked. Maybe you need kisses, caresses,

Need to see you naked. Maybe you need kisses, caresses, compliments, and licks, when all

Maybe you need kisses, caresses, compliments, and licks, when all we need is you.

Compliments, and licks, when all we need is you. Maybe we take our relationships

We need is you. Maybe we take our relationships seriously.

Maybe we take our relationships seriously.

how many more do you reckon there is behind there?

How many more do you reckon there is behind there? There's a dwarf behind there

There is behind there? There's a dwarf behind there mixing me a cocktail.

There's a dwarf behind there mixing me a cocktail. I am fucking drunk, though.

Mixing me a cocktail. I am fucking drunk, though. All right.

I am fucking drunk, though. All right. I'm gonna tell you a story.

All right. I'm gonna tell you a story. This story's very long.

I'm gonna tell you a story. This story's very long. The first three minutes of this

This story's very long. The first three minutes of this story are very depressing.

The first three minutes of this story are very depressing. Just hitching up my pants.

Story are very depressing. Just hitching up my pants. The first three minutes of this

Just hitching up my pants. The first three minutes of this story are very depressing, but

The first three minutes of this story are very depressing, but there is a moment where this

Story are very depressing, but there is a moment where this story takes flight.

There is a moment where this story takes flight. And you have to hang in there

Story takes flight. And you have to hang in there with me until this moment and

And you have to hang in there with me until this moment and trust me that the story's gonna

With me until this moment and trust me that the story's gonna get good.

Trust me that the story's gonna get good. I grew up at number 3

Get good. I grew up at number 3 turramurra street.

I grew up at number 3 turramurra street. At number 5 was my two best

Turramurra street. At number 5 was my two best childhood friends, Andrew and

At number 5 was my two best childhood friends, Andrew and Daniel Connor.

Childhood friends, Andrew and Daniel Connor. Daniel was born with a disease

Daniel Connor. Daniel was born with a disease called muscular dystrophy.

Daniel was born with a disease called muscular dystrophy. If you don't know what muscular

Called muscular dystrophy. If you don't know what muscular dystrophy is, it's a horrible

If you don't know what muscular dystrophy is, it's a horrible disease that wastes away at your

Dystrophy is, it's a horrible disease that wastes away at your muscles.

Disease that wastes away at your muscles. It's the same as Lou gehrig's

Muscles. It's the same as Lou gehrig's disease or motor neuron disease,

It's the same as Lou gehrig's disease or motor neuron disease, except you're born with it.

Disease or motor neuron disease, except you're born with it. You get diagnosed when you're

Except you're born with it. You get diagnosed when you're about 6 years old, when you're

You get diagnosed when you're about 6 years old, when you're not walking right and they put

About 6 years old, when you're not walking right and they put you on crutches.

Not walking right and they put you on crutches. By the time you're 10, you're in

You on crutches. By the time you're 10, you're in a wheelchair.

By the time you're 10, you're in a wheelchair. By the time you're 20, you're in

A wheelchair. By the time you're 20, you're in a completely vegetative state.

By the time you're 20, you're in a completely vegetative state. Most people die before their

A completely vegetative state. Most people die before their 25th birthday.

Most people die before their 25th birthday. Dan's lived to be 33 years old,

25th birthday. Dan's lived to be 33 years old, still alive and kicking.

Dan's lived to be 33 years old, still alive and kicking. Let me rephrase that --

Still alive and kicking. Let me rephrase that -- Still alive.

Let me rephrase that -- Still alive.

- Still alive. - he's actually died seven times

he's actually died seven times in his life and been

He's actually died seven times in his life and been resuscitated -- Seven.

In his life and been resuscitated -- Seven. And i once asked him -- I said,

Resuscitated -- Seven. And i once asked him -- I said, "Dan, what happens after you

And i once asked him -- I said, "Dan, what happens after you die?"

"Dan, what happens after you die?" And he said, "nothing."

Die?" And he said, "nothing." So, good luck with your religion

And he said, "nothing." So, good luck with your religion and your faith.

So, good luck with your religion and your faith. I'll take an actual statistic.

And your faith. I'll take an actual statistic. Now, his family had since moved

I'll take an actual statistic. Now, his family had since moved to Melbourne.

Now, his family had since moved to Melbourne. I had moved to great Britain.

To Melbourne. I had moved to great Britain. I went to do the

I had moved to great Britain. I went to do the Melbourne comedy festival.

I went to do the Melbourne comedy festival. This was about a year ago.

Melbourne comedy festival. This was about a year ago. I hadn't seen him in all that

This was about a year ago. I hadn't seen him in all that time.

I hadn't seen him in all that time. His brother Andrew came to see

Time. His brother Andrew came to see my show, and then Andrew took me

His brother Andrew came to see my show, and then Andrew took me to see Dan.

My show, and then Andrew took me to see Dan. And i went in to see him, and

To see Dan. And i went in to see him, and I'd never seen anyone live this

And i went in to see him, and I'd never seen anyone live this long with this disease.

I'd never seen anyone live this long with this disease. And he's laying on a bed.

Long with this disease. And he's laying on a bed. His eyelids are a muscle that he

And he's laying on a bed. His eyelids are a muscle that he can't keep open anymore, and

His eyelids are a muscle that he can't keep open anymore, and he's just squinting through

Can't keep open anymore, and he's just squinting through these little things and has a

He's just squinting through these little things and has a breathing mask on him to keep

These little things and has a breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working because the

Breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working because the lungs are a muscle that he can't

His lungs working because the lungs are a muscle that he can't keep pumping.

Lungs are a muscle that he can't keep pumping. He has a heart-Monitoring

Keep pumping. He has a heart-Monitoring machine in case he flatlines in

He has a heart-Monitoring machine in case he flatlines in the middle of the night and

Machine in case he flatlines in the middle of the night and someone has to resuscitate him.

The middle of the night and someone has to resuscitate him. And as soon as i walked in and

Someone has to resuscitate him. And as soon as i walked in and saw this guy that i used to run

And as soon as i walked in and saw this guy that i used to run around with as a child, i burst

Saw this guy that i used to run around with as a child, i burst into tears.

Around with as a child, i burst into tears. There's nothing worse you can

Into tears. There's nothing worse you can give anyone in this world than

There's nothing worse you can give anyone in this world than pity, you know?

Give anyone in this world than pity, you know? I went in the corridor.

Pity, you know? I went in the corridor. I felt like a right prick.

I went in the corridor. I felt like a right prick. And i was fucking wiping my eyes

I felt like a right prick. And i was fucking wiping my eyes off.

And i was fucking wiping my eyes off. And i went back in and i sat

Off. And i went back in and i sat with Dan, and his brother Andrew

And i went back in and i sat with Dan, and his brother Andrew went off to work.

With Dan, and his brother Andrew went off to work. And me and Dan chatted for

Went off to work. And me and Dan chatted for a while.

And me and Dan chatted for a while. 20 minutes into the

A while. 20 minutes into the conversation, Dan says to me,

20 minutes into the conversation, Dan says to me, "Jim, I'm 32 years old.

Conversation, Dan says to me, "Jim, I'm 32 years old. I've never been with a woman.

"Jim, I'm 32 years old. I've never been with a woman. Will you take me to a

I've never been with a woman. Will you take me to a prostitute?"

Will you take me to a prostitute?" And that's where the story picks

Prostitute?" And that's where the story picks up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause

And that's where the story picks up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause i went, "fuck, yeah!"

Up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause i went, "fuck, yeah!" And he went, "but don't tell my

I went, "fuck, yeah!" And he went, "but don't tell my brother.

And he went, "but don't tell my brother. He wouldn't understand."

Brother. He wouldn't understand." And i said, "that's where you're

He wouldn't understand." And i said, "that's where you're wrong.

And i said, "that's where you're wrong. I've known your brother my

Wrong. I've known your brother my entire life.

I've known your brother my entire life. Trust me -- He will understand."

Entire life. Trust me -- He will understand." And against dan's will, when

Trust me -- He will understand." And against dan's will, when Andrew came home from work, i

And against dan's will, when Andrew came home from work, i pulled Andrew aside and said,

Andrew came home from work, i pulled Andrew aside and said, "Andrew, look, here's the deal.

Pulled Andrew aside and said, "Andrew, look, here's the deal. Dan's asked me to take him to

"Andrew, look, here's the deal. Dan's asked me to take him to a prostitute.

Dan's asked me to take him to a prostitute. I'm gonna do it whether you like

A prostitute. I'm gonna do it whether you like it or not, but i think, as his

I'm gonna do it whether you like it or not, but i think, as his brother, you should come along

It or not, but i think, as his brother, you should come along and help out."

Brother, you should come along and help out." And Andrew went, "we're not

And help out." And Andrew went, "we're not doing it."

And Andrew went, "we're not doing it." And i went, "why?"

Doing it." And i went, "why?" And he went, "it'll kill him."

And i went, "why?" And he went, "it'll kill him." And i went --

And he went, "it'll kill him." And i went --

And i went -- "he's gonna die soon anyway.

"he's gonna die soon anyway. This is a good way for him to

"He's gonna die soon anyway. This is a good way for him to go.

This is a good way for him to go. Like, sure, we'll have to answer

Go. Like, sure, we'll have to answer a few questions."

Like, sure, we'll have to answer a few questions." And he said, "we're not doing

A few questions." And he said, "we're not doing it."

And he said, "we're not doing it." And i said, "why?"

It." And i said, "why?" And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't

And i said, "why?" And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't like you already!"

And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't like you already!" And i went, "your mom's never

Like you already!" And i went, "your mom's never liked me!

And i went, "your mom's never liked me! That's why I'm the right guy to

Liked me! That's why I'm the right guy to kill your brother!"

That's why I'm the right guy to kill your brother!" And he said, "all right, we'll

Kill your brother!" And he said, "all right, we'll do it, but he can't have full

And he said, "all right, we'll do it, but he can't have full sex.

Do it, but he can't have full sex. Full sex will kill him.

Sex. Full sex will kill him. He can only have a blowjob."

Full sex will kill him. He can only have a blowjob." And i thought that was fairly

He can only have a blowjob." And i thought that was fairly reasonable.

And i thought that was fairly reasonable. So, we went back in and saw Dan.

Reasonable. So, we went back in and saw Dan. He was where we left him.

So, we went back in and saw Dan. He was where we left him. And we said...

He was where we left him. And we said... "Dan, here's the deal -- I know

And we said... "Dan, here's the deal -- I know you told me not to tell your

"Dan, here's the deal -- I know you told me not to tell your brother, but i told your

You told me not to tell your brother, but i told your brother.

Brother, but i told your brother. Me and him are both gonna take

Brother. Me and him are both gonna take you to the knock shop tomorrow,

Me and him are both gonna take you to the knock shop tomorrow, mate, but you can't have full

You to the knock shop tomorrow, mate, but you can't have full sex.

Mate, but you can't have full sex. You can only have a blowjob."

Sex. You can only have a blowjob." And Dan went, "i want full sex."

You can only have a blowjob." And Dan went, "i want full sex." And his brother Andrew went,

And Dan went, "i want full sex." And his brother Andrew went, "Dan, you're in no position to

And his brother Andrew went, "Dan, you're in no position to argue with anyone, ever."

"Dan, you're in no position to argue with anyone, ever." Then Dan reluctantly agreed.

Argue with anyone, ever." Then Dan reluctantly agreed. Now, prostitution in Australia

Then Dan reluctantly agreed. Now, prostitution in Australia is legal, so i spent the rest of

Now, prostitution in Australia is legal, so i spent the rest of the afternoon going through the

Is legal, so i spent the rest of the afternoon going through the phonebook, trying to find a

The afternoon going through the phonebook, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access.

Phonebook, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access. Best afternoon ever!

- Brothel with wheelchair access. - Best afternoon ever!

- Best afternoon ever! - eventually, i found one, the

eventually, i found one, the biggest brothel in the southern

Eventually, i found one, the biggest brothel in the southern hemisphere, the daily planet,

Biggest brothel in the southern hemisphere, the daily planet, or, as the Australians call it,

Hemisphere, the daily planet, or, as the Australians call it, "four floors of whores."

Or, as the Australians call it, "four floors of whores." It's a 24-Hour brothel because

"Four floors of whores." It's a 24-Hour brothel because australia's a go-Ahead country.

It's a 24-Hour brothel because australia's a go-Ahead country. So, we decided we were gonna go

Australia's a go-Ahead country. So, we decided we were gonna go early in the morning, like

So, we decided we were gonna go early in the morning, like really early, like 6:00 a.M.

Early in the morning, like really early, like 6:00 a.M. We wanted to go in when the

Really early, like 6:00 a.M. We wanted to go in when the place was quiet and we weren't

We wanted to go in when the place was quiet and we weren't gonna cause a scene.

Place was quiet and we weren't gonna cause a scene. So, we wake him up at 6:00 in

Gonna cause a scene. So, we wake him up at 6:00 in the morning.

So, we wake him up at 6:00 in the morning. It's hard to tell if he's awake.

The morning. It's hard to tell if he's awake. And we get him in his chair.

It's hard to tell if he's awake. And we get him in his chair. Now, he hasn't got your

And we get him in his chair. Now, he hasn't got your bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.

Now, he hasn't got your bog-Standard fucking wheelchair. He's got one of those big sort

Bog-Standard fucking wheelchair. He's got one of those big sort of silver-Looking things with

He's got one of those big sort of silver-Looking things with the truck tires on it.

Of silver-Looking things with the truck tires on it. I think the model's called a

The truck tires on it. I think the model's called a hawking.

I think the model's called a hawking. And even though his muscles

Hawking. And even though his muscles don't work, they get sore.

And even though his muscles don't work, they get sore. So, this thing can move him from

Don't work, they get sore. So, this thing can move him from side to side and back to front

So, this thing can move him from side to side and back to front and even into a full bed.

Side to side and back to front and even into a full bed. So, we get him in the chair.

And even into a full bed. So, we get him in the chair. Then we order a taxi.

So, we get him in the chair. Then we order a taxi. And then -- It's not like you

Then we order a taxi. And then -- It's not like you have black cabs out there.

And then -- It's not like you have black cabs out there. It's like a normal car, but

Have black cabs out there. It's like a normal car, but they've modified the back to go

It's like a normal car, but they've modified the back to go higher, and they drive him up

They've modified the back to go higher, and they drive him up through the boot and they strap

Higher, and they drive him up through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up

Through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up high, with windows all around

Him in there and he sits up high, with windows all around him, like a big, retarded

High, with windows all around him, like a big, retarded pope...

Him, like a big, retarded pope... or, as the Catholics would say,

Pope... or, as the Catholics would say, the pope.

Or, as the Catholics would say, the pope.

- The pope. - and we drive up to the brothel.

and we drive up to the brothel. Now, when we get to the brothel,

And we drive up to the brothel. Now, when we get to the brothel, it takes 10 minutes to get him

Now, when we get to the brothel, it takes 10 minutes to get him off the taxi.

It takes 10 minutes to get him off the taxi. I see this as my window of

Off the taxi. I see this as my window of opportunity, so while they're

I see this as my window of opportunity, so while they're getting him off the taxi, i run

Opportunity, so while they're getting him off the taxi, i run into the brothel.

Getting him off the taxi, i run into the brothel. Now, there's two ways that

Into the brothel. Now, there's two ways that brothels work.

Now, there's two ways that brothels work. Either the prostitutes will

Brothels work. Either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their lingerie

Either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their lingerie and you just pick the one that

Stand in a row in their lingerie and you just pick the one that you want, or they'll stand

And you just pick the one that you want, or they'll stand around in a bar in evening gowns

You want, or they'll stand around in a bar in evening gowns and high heels and you walk up

Around in a bar in evening gowns and high heels and you walk up to the one that you like the

And high heels and you walk up to the one that you like the look of, chat to her for a bit,

To the one that you like the look of, chat to her for a bit, act like you've got some type of

Look of, chat to her for a bit, act like you've got some type of connection with an eastern

Act like you've got some type of connection with an eastern European woman, then take her

Connection with an eastern European woman, then take her upstairs and fuck her if you

European woman, then take her upstairs and fuck her if you need your life to be this

Upstairs and fuck her if you need your life to be this delusional.

Need your life to be this delusional. This is one of these situations.

Delusional. This is one of these situations. So, while they're getting Dan

This is one of these situations. So, while they're getting Dan out of the cab, i run into the

So, while they're getting Dan out of the cab, i run into the brothel and go, "everyone,

Out of the cab, i run into the brothel and go, "everyone, quickly, gather 'round!

Brothel and go, "everyone, quickly, gather 'round! I haven't got much time!"

Quickly, gather 'round! I haven't got much time!" And these 14 bemused hookers

I haven't got much time!" And these 14 bemused hookers shuffle over, and i went,

And these 14 bemused hookers shuffle over, and i went, "look -- Here's the deal.

Shuffle over, and i went, "look -- Here's the deal. I have a severely disabled

"Look -- Here's the deal. I have a severely disabled friend with me.

I have a severely disabled friend with me. If you're not up for it, speak

Friend with me. If you're not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace."

If you're not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace." And one of them went, "how bad

Now or forever hold your peace." And one of them went, "how bad is he?"

And one of them went, "how bad is he?" And i went, "

Is he?" And i went, " pretty fucking bad."

And i went, " pretty fucking bad." And 10 of them said they

Pretty fucking bad." And 10 of them said they wouldn't do it, and i said,

And 10 of them said they wouldn't do it, and i said, "well, i respect that, but can

Wouldn't do it, and i said, "well, i respect that, but can you please go and hide?

"Well, i respect that, but can you please go and hide? Because i don't want him to be

You please go and hide? Because i don't want him to be rejected by hookers."

Because i don't want him to be rejected by hookers." And these 10 girls shuffle away

Rejected by hookers." And these 10 girls shuffle away in their evening gowns and their

And these 10 girls shuffle away in their evening gowns and their high heels, with gonorrhea

In their evening gowns and their high heels, with gonorrhea falling out of them.

High heels, with gonorrhea falling out of them. I am now left with four girls.

Falling out of them. I am now left with four girls. The best-Looking one by a mile

I am now left with four girls. The best-Looking one by a mile stays.

The best-Looking one by a mile stays. Dan wheels in, looking like

Stays. Dan wheels in, looking like Jabba the hut, breathing like

Dan wheels in, looking like Jabba the hut, breathing like Darth Vader.

Jabba the hut, breathing like Darth Vader. Two of the girls run away, and

Darth Vader. Two of the girls run away, and I'm like, "are you fucking

Two of the girls run away, and I'm like, "are you fucking kidding, you sluts?

I'm like, "are you fucking kidding, you sluts? I just asked you nicely."

Kidding, you sluts? I just asked you nicely." So we're now left with two

I just asked you nicely." So we're now left with two girls.

So we're now left with two girls. The best-Looking one's there.

Girls. The best-Looking one's there. The other one's a fucking troll.

The best-Looking one's there. The other one's a fucking troll. Now, out of respect for the ugly

The other one's a fucking troll. Now, out of respect for the ugly one, i go to Dan -- I go, "Dan,

Now, out of respect for the ugly one, i go to Dan -- I go, "Dan, there's only two girls working

One, i go to Dan -- I go, "Dan, there's only two girls working today, mate.

There's only two girls working today, mate. Which one do you want?"

Today, mate. Which one do you want?" And he said, "the one in the

Which one do you want?" And he said, "the one in the green dress."

And he said, "the one in the green dress." Now, neither of them had a

Green dress." Now, neither of them had a green dress.

Now, neither of them had a green dress. I stand up and look at Andrew

Green dress. I stand up and look at Andrew and went, "what the fuck is all

I stand up and look at Andrew and went, "what the fuck is all this about?"

And went, "what the fuck is all this about?" And Andrew went, "yeah, his

This about?" And Andrew went, "yeah, his eyes are fucked, as well."

And Andrew went, "yeah, his eyes are fucked, as well." Now, it turns out that dan's

Eyes are fucked, as well." Now, it turns out that dan's colorblind.

Now, it turns out that dan's colorblind. It's not part of the condition.

Colorblind. It's not part of the condition. It's just unfortunate.

It's not part of the condition. It's just unfortunate. So...i sat with the hooker.

It's just unfortunate. So...i sat with the hooker. Now, I'm gonna pay for

So...i sat with the hooker. Now, I'm gonna pay for everything.

Now, I'm gonna pay for everything. Now, the reason I'm gonna pay

Everything. Now, the reason I'm gonna pay for everything is simple.

Now, the reason I'm gonna pay for everything is simple. I told Dan and Andrew that i

For everything is simple. I told Dan and Andrew that i would pay for everything, as

I told Dan and Andrew that i would pay for everything, as long as i got to tell this story

Would pay for everything, as long as i got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of

Long as i got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of people in the future.

To hundreds of thousands of people in the future. And they said, "of course you

People in the future. And they said, "of course you can, Jim, but be respectful and

And they said, "of course you can, Jim, but be respectful and change our names," which sounds

Can, Jim, but be respectful and change our names," which sounds like the right thing to do, now,

Change our names," which sounds like the right thing to do, now, doesn't it?

Like the right thing to do, now, doesn't it? Now, i haven't changed their

Doesn't it? Now, i haven't changed their names.

Now, i haven't changed their names. Their names are Andrew and

Names. Their names are Andrew and Daniel Connor from st kilda,

Their names are Andrew and Daniel Connor from st kilda, Melbourne, Australia.

Daniel Connor from st kilda, Melbourne, Australia. I would have liked to have

Melbourne, Australia. I would have liked to have changed their names.

I would have liked to have changed their names. It is the right thing to do.

Changed their names. It is the right thing to do. But i look at this way -- Even

It is the right thing to do. But i look at this way -- Even if i changed their names and

But i look at this way -- Even if i changed their names and their parents started watching

If i changed their names and their parents started watching my comedy, they'd be like, "my

Their parents started watching my comedy, they'd be like, "my word, doesn't 'randy' and

My comedy, they'd be like, "my word, doesn't 'randy' and 'Steve' sound like our kids?

Word, doesn't 'randy' and 'Steve' sound like our kids? Didn't Jim grow up with a lot of

'Steve' sound like our kids? Didn't Jim grow up with a lot of people with muscular dystrophy?"

Didn't Jim grow up with a lot of people with muscular dystrophy?" So, i sat there with the hooker,

People with muscular dystrophy?" So, i sat there with the hooker, and i said, "how much for the

So, i sat there with the hooker, and i said, "how much for the half-Hour?"

And i said, "how much for the half-Hour?" And she said, "$180."

Half-Hour?" And she said, "$180." And i said, "i'll give you $250

And she said, "$180." And i said, "i'll give you $250 'cause i realize this is a

And i said, "i'll give you $250 'cause i realize this is a specialty thing you're doing."

'Cause i realize this is a specialty thing you're doing." And she goes, "i got one

Specialty thing you're doing." And she goes, "i got one question for you," and i said,

And she goes, "i got one question for you," and i said, "shoot," and she went...

Question for you," and i said, "shoot," and she went... "is he mentally retarded?"

"Shoot," and she went... "is he mentally retarded?" And i went...

"Is he mentally retarded?" And i went... "yeah.

And i went... "yeah. That's what i do.

"Yeah. That's what i do. I find mentally retarded people

That's what i do. I find mentally retarded people and take them to prostitutes.

I find mentally retarded people and take them to prostitutes. I'll be masturbating in the

And take them to prostitutes. I'll be masturbating in the corner.

I'll be masturbating in the corner. He doesn't even know he's here."

Corner. He doesn't even know he's here." And she went, "okay, then, but

He doesn't even know he's here." And she went, "okay, then, but if there's two of you --"

And she went, "okay, then, but if there's two of you --" "No, he's not mentally retarded!

If there's two of you --" "No, he's not mentally retarded! It's his choice to come here!

"No, he's not mentally retarded! It's his choice to come here! There's a good chance he'll

It's his choice to come here! There's a good chance he'll die!"

There's a good chance he'll die!" And she went, "what am i meant

Die!" And she went, "what am i meant to do with him?"

And she went, "what am i meant to do with him?" And i went, "i don't know.

To do with him?" And i went, "i don't know. I've never been a hooker.

And i went, "i don't know. I've never been a hooker. But I'm thinking give him a bit

I've never been a hooker. But I'm thinking give him a bit of a show.

But I'm thinking give him a bit of a show. Dance it around a bit.

Of a show. Dance it around a bit. Rub your tits in his face.

Dance it around a bit. Rub your tits in his face. Then suck him off.

Rub your tits in his face. Then suck him off. But don't sit on him or fuck

Then suck him off. But don't sit on him or fuck him.

But don't sit on him or fuck him. It'll kill him."

Him. It'll kill him." So, we go up to the room, which,

It'll kill him." So, we go up to the room, which, thank god, was on the first

So, we go up to the room, which, thank god, was on the first floor.

Thank god, was on the first floor. And me and Andrew look at Dan

Floor. And me and Andrew look at Dan like two proud parents, watching

And me and Andrew look at Dan like two proud parents, watching our child go to school for the

Like two proud parents, watching our child go to school for the first time.

Our child go to school for the first time. And then we leave.

First time. And then we leave. And as we proceed to leave, i

And then we leave. And as we proceed to leave, i pat Andrew on the back, and i

And as we proceed to leave, i pat Andrew on the back, and i said, "Andrew, you've been a

Pat Andrew on the back, and i said, "Andrew, you've been a good brother today."

Said, "Andrew, you've been a good brother today." He said, "thanks, mate."

Good brother today." He said, "thanks, mate." Then we had a hug.

He said, "thanks, mate." Then we had a hug. And then we had that moment

Then we had a hug. And then we had that moment after our hug that Australian

And then we had that moment after our hug that Australian men have, where we go, "get

After our hug that Australian men have, where we go, "get out of here.

Men have, where we go, "get out of here. What's wrong with ya?"

Out of here. What's wrong with ya?" And then i said, "hey, Andrew,

What's wrong with ya?" And then i said, "hey, Andrew, how does Dan get his clothes

And then i said, "hey, Andrew, how does Dan get his clothes off?"

How does Dan get his clothes off?" And Andrew went...

Off?" And Andrew went... "fuck!"

And Andrew went... "fuck!" And we went back in.

"Fuck!" And we went back in. Andrew looks him up and down,

And we went back in. Andrew looks him up and down, and he turns to me and goes,

Andrew looks him up and down, and he turns to me and goes, "look -- He's very fragile.

And he turns to me and goes, "look -- He's very fragile. I know how he likes to be

"Look -- He's very fragile. I know how he likes to be picked up.

I know how he likes to be picked up. I'll lift him up.

Picked up. I'll lift him up. You take his pants off."

I'll lift him up. You take his pants off." Andrew gets behind, lifts him up

You take his pants off." Andrew gets behind, lifts him up by his armpits -- Like i

Andrew gets behind, lifts him up by his armpits -- Like i couldn't have figured out their

By his armpits -- Like i couldn't have figured out their magical hold.

Couldn't have figured out their magical hold. I'm on my knees taking dan's

Magical hold. I'm on my knees taking dan's track-Suit pants off.

I'm on my knees taking dan's track-Suit pants off. He always wore track-Suit pants,

Track-Suit pants off. He always wore track-Suit pants, never got into fashion.

He always wore track-Suit pants, never got into fashion. And as I'm taking his track-Suit

Never got into fashion. And as I'm taking his track-Suit pants off, what many of you are

And as I'm taking his track-Suit pants off, what many of you are wondering is, "can Dan get an

Pants off, what many of you are wondering is, "can Dan get an erection?"

Wondering is, "can Dan get an erection?" And the answer is, "yes."

Erection?" And the answer is, "yes." Even though none of the muscles

And the answer is, "yes." Even though none of the muscles in his body work, the cock is

Even though none of the muscles in his body work, the cock is not a muscle.

In his body work, the cock is not a muscle. The cock is a bit of skin that

Not a muscle. The cock is a bit of skin that fills with blood.

The cock is a bit of skin that fills with blood. If he gets aroused up here,

Fills with blood. If he gets aroused up here, blood will rush to there.

If he gets aroused up here, blood will rush to there. Now, what nobody knew about this

Blood will rush to there. Now, what nobody knew about this 32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's

Now, what nobody knew about this 32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's packing heat!

32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's packing heat! I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of

Packing heat! I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of disabled misery.

I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of disabled misery. This cock's so fucking big, i

Disabled misery. This cock's so fucking big, i think that's why the rest of his

This cock's so fucking big, i think that's why the rest of his muscles didn't work.

Think that's why the rest of his muscles didn't work. I take the pants off.

Muscles didn't work. I take the pants off. This thing springs up and hits

I take the pants off. This thing springs up and hits me in the mouth.

Then the hooker goes, "let's do the light." Let's explain the light.

The light." Let's explain the light. When they legalized prostitution

Let's explain the light. When they legalized prostitution in Australia, they didn't

When they legalized prostitution in Australia, they didn't legalize it in all forms.

In Australia, they didn't legalize it in all forms. For instance, you cannot get a

Legalize it in all forms. For instance, you cannot get a street-Walking hooker.

For instance, you cannot get a street-Walking hooker. You cannot get a prostitute to

Street-Walking hooker. You cannot get a prostitute to your hotel room.

You cannot get a prostitute to your hotel room. You can only go to a brothel, in

Your hotel room. You can only go to a brothel, in a safe environment, where they

You can only go to a brothel, in a safe environment, where they have security for the girls in

A safe environment, where they have security for the girls in case a man shows up being a

Have security for the girls in case a man shows up being a drunken dickhead or whatever.

Case a man shows up being a drunken dickhead or whatever. And also it's safer for the

Drunken dickhead or whatever. And also it's safer for the people that go to brothels

And also it's safer for the people that go to brothels because the girls get tested for

People that go to brothels because the girls get tested for stds every month.

Because the girls get tested for stds every month. So, arguably, you're better off

Stds every month. So, arguably, you're better off in Australia fucking a

So, arguably, you're better off in Australia fucking a prostitute than picking up a

In Australia fucking a prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar.

Prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar. But I'm not gonna have that

Girl in a bar. But I'm not gonna have that conversation again.

But I'm not gonna have that conversation again. All my -- You try explaining

Conversation again. All my -- You try explaining that to a girlfriend.

All my -- You try explaining that to a girlfriend. It's a fucking minefield.

That to a girlfriend. It's a fucking minefield. But also they make it safe for

It's a fucking minefield. But also they make it safe for the girls.

But also they make it safe for the girls. If you're a guy who goes to a

The girls. If you're a guy who goes to a prostitute, you have to undergo

If you're a guy who goes to a prostitute, you have to undergo the light.

Prostitute, you have to undergo the light. Let's explain the light.

The light. Let's explain the light. It's very simple.

Let's explain the light. It's very simple. It sounds like what it is.

It's very simple. It sounds like what it is. You put your cock under a very

It sounds like what it is. You put your cock under a very bright light, and they look

You put your cock under a very bright light, and they look around the shaft to see if

Bright light, and they look around the shaft to see if there's anything untoward.

Around the shaft to see if there's anything untoward. Then they get a magnifying glass

There's anything untoward. Then they get a magnifying glass out, go through your pubes to

Then they get a magnifying glass out, go through your pubes to make sure nothing's running

Out, go through your pubes to make sure nothing's running around.

Make sure nothing's running around. It's not a big deal.

Around. It's not a big deal. I've been rejected heaps of

It's not a big deal. I've been rejected heaps of times.

I've been rejected heaps of times. Now, the chair's here.

Times. Now, the chair's here. There's a bed here.

Now, the chair's here. There's a bed here. There's a hot tub there.

There's a bed here. There's a hot tub there. The light's over there.

There's a hot tub there. The light's over there. Now, we try to get the chair

The light's over there. Now, we try to get the chair past the bed and the hot tub,

Now, we try to get the chair past the bed and the hot tub, but we can't get it through.

Past the bed and the hot tub, but we can't get it through. So, me and Andrew walk over to

But we can't get it through. So, me and Andrew walk over to the hooker, and we're whispering

So, me and Andrew walk over to the hooker, and we're whispering 'cause we don't want Dan to

The hooker, and we're whispering 'cause we don't want Dan to hear.

'Cause we don't want Dan to hear. We're like, "um...we can't do

Hear. We're like, "um...we can't do the light thing."

We're like, "um...we can't do the light thing." And she goes, "if you don't do

The light thing." And she goes, "if you don't do the light, I'm not doing it."

And she goes, "if you don't do the light, I'm not doing it." And me and Andrew went, "aw.

The light, I'm not doing it." And me and Andrew went, "aw. Come on.

And me and Andrew went, "aw. Come on. He's a virgin.

Come on. He's a virgin. What's the worst that could

He's a virgin. What's the worst that could happen?"

What's the worst that could happen?" And she whispered, "actually,

Happen?" And she whispered, "actually, I'm more concerned about his

And she whispered, "actually, I'm more concerned about his cleanliness."

I'm more concerned about his cleanliness." And then his brother Andrew said

Cleanliness." And then his brother Andrew said loudly and proudly, "i washed it

And then his brother Andrew said loudly and proudly, "i washed it before we came out!"

Loudly and proudly, "i washed it before we came out!" Now, you may think you're a good

Before we came out!" Now, you may think you're a good brother, good sister, good

Now, you may think you're a good brother, good sister, good mother, good daughter, whatever

Brother, good sister, good mother, good daughter, whatever the fuck you think you are in

Mother, good daughter, whatever the fuck you think you are in this world, but you're nothing

The fuck you think you are in this world, but you're nothing until you've washed your

This world, but you're nothing until you've washed your disabled brother's cock to take

Until you've washed your disabled brother's cock to take him to a prostitute!

Disabled brother's cock to take him to a prostitute! That is love, ladies and

Him to a prostitute! That is love, ladies and gentlemen -- Tangible fucking

That is love, ladies and gentlemen -- Tangible fucking love.

Gentlemen -- Tangible fucking love. So, we looked at Dan.

Love. So, we looked at Dan. Everyone agreed it was time to

So, we looked at Dan. Everyone agreed it was time to go.

Everyone agreed it was time to go. We looked at Dan.

Go. We looked at Dan. Me and Andrew looked at him and

We looked at Dan. Me and Andrew looked at him and went, "we're going now, mate.

Me and Andrew looked at him and went, "we're going now, mate. If you got anything you want to

Went, "we're going now, mate. If you got anything you want to say to us, say it now, 'cause,

If you got anything you want to say to us, say it now, 'cause, we're gonna leave, mate."

Say to us, say it now, 'cause, we're gonna leave, mate." And this is what Dan did.

"Leave!" So, me and Andrew went back down to the bar, and we hanged out

So, me and Andrew went back down to the bar, and we hanged out with the hookers.

To the bar, and we hanged out with the hookers. There was like 10 of them sort

With the hookers. There was like 10 of them sort of mulling around there.

There was like 10 of them sort of mulling around there. We're standing there.

Of mulling around there. We're standing there. We don't know what dan's up to,

We're standing there. We don't know what dan's up to, but we're standing around the

We don't know what dan's up to, but we're standing around the bar with all the hookers.

But we're standing around the bar with all the hookers. And then five guys from London

Bar with all the hookers. And then five guys from London walk into the bar, who are

And then five guys from London walk into the bar, who are obviously out of their fucking

Walk into the bar, who are obviously out of their fucking skulls on coke.

Obviously out of their fucking skulls on coke. Now, if you've never taken a

Skulls on coke. Now, if you've never taken a lot of coke, and I've --

Now, if you've never taken a lot of coke, and I've --

Lot of coke, and I've -- if anyone's got any...

if anyone's got any...

- If anyone's got any... - no, if you've never taken coke,

no, if you've never taken coke, you don't -- When like five or

No, if you've never taken coke, you don't -- When like five or six guys get together and take

You don't -- When like five or six guys get together and take coke on, like, a Tuesday, there

Six guys get together and take coke on, like, a Tuesday, there comes a point at about 6:00 in

Coke on, like, a Tuesday, there comes a point at about 6:00 in the morning when they go, "we

Comes a point at about 6:00 in the morning when they go, "we better call up some chicks,

The morning when they go, "we better call up some chicks, maybe --"

Better call up some chicks, maybe --" And you call up ex-Girlfriends,

Maybe --" And you call up ex-Girlfriends, like, "bring some friends, bring

And you call up ex-Girlfriends, like, "bring some friends, bring some friends."

Like, "bring some friends, bring some friends." And it's like -- I don't know

Some friends." And it's like -- I don't know what you're expecting.

And it's like -- I don't know what you're expecting. So, basically, this --

What you're expecting. So, basically, this -- I think it was a Wednesday we

So, basically, this -- I think it was a Wednesday we did this, and i think these guys

I think it was a Wednesday we did this, and i think these guys had been on coke all night.

Did this, and i think these guys had been on coke all night. And they've obviously gone, "all

Had been on coke all night. And they've obviously gone, "all right, let's go down the

And they've obviously gone, "all right, let's go down the brothel.

Right, let's go down the brothel. We'll go down the brothel.

Brothel. We'll go down the brothel. It'll be fun.

We'll go down the brothel. It'll be fun. We'll go down the brothel."

It'll be fun. We'll go down the brothel." And I'm standing at the bar,

We'll go down the brothel." And I'm standing at the bar, chatting with all the hookers,

And I'm standing at the bar, chatting with all the hookers, and these five guys from London

Chatting with all the hookers, and these five guys from London walk in, and one of them

And these five guys from London walk in, and one of them recognizes me and goes,

Walk in, and one of them recognizes me and goes, "Jim fucking jefferies,

Recognizes me and goes, "Jim fucking jefferies, Jim fucking jefferies.

"Jim fucking jefferies, Jim fucking jefferies. I know you, mate. I know you.

Jim fucking jefferies. I know you, mate. I know you. You're the comedian -- The

I know you, mate. I know you. You're the comedian -- The 'spaz approved' guy, Australian

You're the comedian -- The 'spaz approved' guy, Australian comedian."

'Spaz approved' guy, Australian comedian." And i went, "hey, how you doing,

Comedian." And i went, "hey, how you doing, man?"

And i went, "hey, how you doing, man?" He goes, "hey, Jim, Jim, Jim,

Man?" He goes, "hey, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim...

He goes, "hey, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim... want a line of coke?"

Jim, Jim, Jim... want a line of coke?" And i went, "yes."

Want a line of coke?" And i went, "yes." And i went up to the toilet

And i went, "yes." And i went up to the toilet and did a line of coke.

And i went up to the toilet and did a line of coke. And i come back out, and,

And did a line of coke. And i come back out, and, obviously, I've left Andrew

And i come back out, and, obviously, I've left Andrew alone for too long, and he's

Obviously, I've left Andrew alone for too long, and he's sort of panicking all by

Alone for too long, and he's sort of panicking all by himself.

Sort of panicking all by himself. And i sort of walk in, like...

Himself. And i sort of walk in, like... "what's wrong?"

And i sort of walk in, like... "what's wrong?" And he goes, "what if we've done

"What's wrong?" And he goes, "what if we've done the wrong thing here?

And he goes, "what if we've done the wrong thing here? What if he's in there dying

The wrong thing here? What if he's in there dying right now?

What if he's in there dying right now? What if he stopped fucking

Right now? What if he stopped fucking breathing or -- What the fuck --

What if he stopped fucking breathing or -- What the fuck -- Or his heart stopped?

Breathing or -- What the fuck -- Or his heart stopped? What the fuck are we meant to

Or his heart stopped? What the fuck are we meant to do?"

What the fuck are we meant to do?" I said, "not a problem,

Do?" I said, "not a problem, not a problem.

I said, "not a problem, not a problem. Um...

Not a problem. Um... i'll resuscitate him."

Um... i'll resuscitate him." And he said, "do you know how to

I'll resuscitate him." And he said, "do you know how to do that?"

And he said, "do you know how to do that?" And i said, "no, i don't, but

Do that?" And i said, "no, i don't, but how hard could it be?

And i said, "no, i don't, but how hard could it be? Push, push, blow, blow."

How hard could it be? Push, push, blow, blow."

Push, push, blow, blow." i haven't embellished that in

i haven't embellished that in the slightest.

I haven't embellished that in the slightest. That's the exact thing i said

The slightest. That's the exact thing i said to him -- "Push, push, blow,

That's the exact thing i said to him -- "Push, push, blow, blow."

To him -- "Push, push, blow, blow." Then the prostitute walks back

Blow." Then the prostitute walks back in the room, who was with Dan.

Then the prostitute walks back in the room, who was with Dan. So, I'm standing with the 5 coke

In the room, who was with Dan. So, I'm standing with the 5 coke fiends, 10 prostitutes.

So, I'm standing with the 5 coke fiends, 10 prostitutes. She walks in the room.

Fiends, 10 prostitutes. She walks in the room. It's like that moment in a movie

She walks in the room. It's like that moment in a movie where the needle on the record

It's like that moment in a movie where the needle on the record just sort of goes...

Where the needle on the record just sort of goes...

Just sort of goes... and everything stopped.

and everything stopped. And she walked in, and she said,

And everything stopped. And she walked in, and she said, "well...it's over."

And she walked in, and she said, "well...it's over." And me and Andrew, in unison,

"Well...it's over." And me and Andrew, in unison, went...

And me and Andrew, in unison, went... "is he dead?"

And her exact words were, "i didn't check that." So, me, Andrew, the 5 coke

"I didn't check that." So, me, Andrew, the 5 coke fiends, the 10 hookers -- We

So, me, Andrew, the 5 coke fiends, the 10 hookers -- We all run to the room.

Fiends, the 10 hookers -- We all run to the room. No, he's not dead!

All run to the room. No, he's not dead! His chair's back in the upright

No, he's not dead! His chair's back in the upright position.

His chair's back in the upright position. His cock is still sitting up,

Position. His cock is still sitting up, majestically, covered in jizz

His cock is still sitting up, majestically, covered in jizz and spit.

Majestically, covered in jizz and spit. But for a man who an hour ago

And spit. But for a man who an hour ago couldn't lift his eyelids, he

But for a man who an hour ago couldn't lift his eyelids, he was sitting there like this.

Couldn't lift his eyelids, he was sitting there like this.

- Was sitting there like this. - now, you might be wondering why

now, you might be wondering why his eyelids were up like that.

Now, you might be wondering why his eyelids were up like that. Let me explain something.

His eyelids were up like that. Let me explain something. It wasn't through happiness.

Let me explain something. It wasn't through happiness. Tell you something about myself.

It wasn't through happiness. Tell you something about myself. I'm 33 years old.

Tell you something about myself. I'm 33 years old. I've been masturbating since i

I'm 33 years old. I've been masturbating since i was 10 years old.

I've been masturbating since i was 10 years old. And in that time, i have not

Was 10 years old. And in that time, i have not missed a day.

And in that time, i have not missed a day. Every single day, i masturbate.

Missed a day. Every single day, i masturbate. Haven't missed a fucking day.

Every single day, i masturbate. Haven't missed a fucking day. Every day, I'm in a hotel room

Haven't missed a fucking day. Every day, I'm in a hotel room with a laptop way high up on my

Every day, I'm in a hotel room with a laptop way high up on my chest here, so i don't have to

With a laptop way high up on my chest here, so i don't have to look at the filth I'm doing to

Chest here, so i don't have to look at the filth I'm doing to myself.

Look at the filth I'm doing to myself. So, I'm watching porn here.

Myself. So, I'm watching porn here. And 9 times out of 10, i hit the

So, I'm watching porn here. And 9 times out of 10, i hit the apple sign, right?

And 9 times out of 10, i hit the apple sign, right?

- Apple sign, right? - and i do this every single

and i do this every single fucking day.

And i do this every single fucking day. Yet i would be mortified if any

Fucking day. Yet i would be mortified if any one of you was to ever see me

Yet i would be mortified if any one of you was to ever see me doing this.

One of you was to ever see me doing this. I would want to fucking kill

Doing this. I would want to fucking kill myself.

I would want to fucking kill myself. And i do this every single

Myself. And i do this every single fucking day.

And i do this every single fucking day. Now, imagine if you've never

Fucking day. Now, imagine if you've never ejaculated through the power of

Now, imagine if you've never ejaculated through the power of yourself, you've never had

Ejaculated through the power of yourself, you've never had another person do it, you're

Yourself, you've never had another person do it, you're 32 years old, and for the first

Another person do it, you're 32 years old, and for the first time you've shot a load of

32 years old, and for the first time you've shot a load of fucking stale jizz all over the

Time you've shot a load of fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room and you're sitting

Fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room and you're sitting there with your cock out and 15

Fucking room and you're sitting there with your cock out and 15 strangers walks in and you do

There with your cock out and 15 strangers walks in and you do not possess the power to put

Strangers walks in and you do not possess the power to put your cock away.

Not possess the power to put your cock away. Can you see how that might be a

Your cock away. Can you see how that might be a bit unhinging?

Can you see how that might be a bit unhinging? So, we had to get him dressed

Bit unhinging? So, we had to get him dressed quickly.

So, we had to get him dressed quickly. But there's come everywhere.

Quickly. But there's come everywhere. And this time, i look him up and

But there's come everywhere. And this time, i look him up and down.

And this time, i look him up and down. And i turned to Andrew and said,

Down. And i turned to Andrew and said, "Andrew, i don't give a fuck how

And i turned to Andrew and said, "Andrew, i don't give a fuck how fragile he is.

"Andrew, i don't give a fuck how fragile he is. I'm taking the top half this

Fragile he is. I'm taking the top half this time."

I'm taking the top half this time." And we lifted him up...

Time." And we lifted him up... and we put his pants on and we

And we lifted him up... and we put his pants on and we proceeded to leave the brothel.

And we put his pants on and we proceeded to leave the brothel. Now, as we left the brothel, i

Proceeded to leave the brothel. Now, as we left the brothel, i turned to Dan.

Now, as we left the brothel, i turned to Dan. I said, "Dan, i paid for a

Turned to Dan. I said, "Dan, i paid for a story.

I said, "Dan, i paid for a story. Please tell me what happened."

Story. Please tell me what happened." And he said, "well, she danced

Please tell me what happened." And he said, "well, she danced around a bit, rubbed her tits in

And he said, "well, she danced around a bit, rubbed her tits in my face, and sucked me off,"

Around a bit, rubbed her tits in my face, and sucked me off," which is what i asked her to do.

My face, and sucked me off," which is what i asked her to do. It's so nice to be a disabled

Which is what i asked her to do. It's so nice to be a disabled sex puppeteer.

It's so nice to be a disabled sex puppeteer. But even nicer than that --

Sex puppeteer. But even nicer than that -- I used to have a preconceived

But even nicer than that -- I used to have a preconceived notion on what i thought about

I used to have a preconceived notion on what i thought about people such as prostitutes, man,

Notion on what i thought about people such as prostitutes, man, but i was wrong.

People such as prostitutes, man, but i was wrong. That woman treated him with

But i was wrong. That woman treated him with dignity and respect and made him

That woman treated him with dignity and respect and made him feel like a sexual being for the

Dignity and respect and made him feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life.

Feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life. And you can't put a price on

Only time in his life. And you can't put a price on that, all right?

And you can't put a price on that, all right? Well, $180 is the -- The

That, all right? Well, $180 is the -- The exact -- The exact figure.

Then we go out front, and we go to call a taxi, and the taxi driver who drove us there is

To call a taxi, and the taxi driver who drove us there is still sitting out the front in

Driver who drove us there is still sitting out the front in his car.

Still sitting out the front in his car. And he winds his window down and

His car. And he winds his window down and looks out and goes, "i'll drive

And he winds his window down and looks out and goes, "i'll drive you home for free.

Looks out and goes, "i'll drive you home for free. I just need to know what

You home for free. I just need to know what happened."

I just need to know what happened." Thank you very much, ladies and

Happened." Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.

- Gentlemen. - Good night.

Hey!

Hey! she's an natural mover

she's an natural mover

does it like a hoover

does it like a hoover yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah