Original subtitles

Halley: SOMETIMES, LIFE IS SO PERFECT.

ISN'T IT?

IT HAS TO BE,

TO MAKE UP FOR THE HARD STUFF IT THROWS YOUR WAY.

YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO WALK,

YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO TALK.

YOU HAVE TO WEAR

THAT TOTALLY RIDICULOUS HAT YOUR GRANDMA BOUGHT YOU.

YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THE MATTER.

AND WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE OLDER,

EVEN THOUGH YOU GET TO CHOOSE YOUR HATS,

YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY PUT

IN THOSE MEATBALLS AT THE CAFETERIA...

OR WHEN TO FALL IN LOVE.

THINGS HAPPEN, AND YOU JUST HAVE TO DEAL.

Recording: AND BREATHE.

LET'S JUST THINK OF THE DAY

MY PARENT'S DIVORCE CAME THROUGH

AS "BIG, UGLY HAT DAY."

REFER TO DIAGRAM B ON PAGE 19--

"THE TREE OF LIFE."

AND BREATHE.

Woman: ...ANYBODY BUT HIS OWN SELFISH PLEASURE.

Girl: MOM, PLEASE.

Recording: FOCUS.

Woman: I COULDN'T CARE LESS

ABOUT YOUR FATHER'S MID-LIFE CRISIS

AND COMPLETE MOCKERY OF HIS WEDDING VOWS.

I JUST HOPE HE DOESN'T EXPECT ME--

OH, HALLEY, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

GUYS...

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

AS LONG AS YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME WITH FLYING ICE,

DOES IT REALLY MATTER?

EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.

HALLEY!MOM!

I HAVE SOME REALLY IMPORTANT NEWS TO ANNOUNCE HERE.

LEWIS AND I-- WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.

HE ASKED ME LAST SATURDAY NIGHT.

I WANTED TO TELL YOU, BUT I WASN'T SURE WHEN,

OR HOW YOU'D REACT.

I TOLD HIM I COULDN'T EVEN WEAR THIS RING

UNTIL AFTER I TALKED TO YOU.

BUT WE WANNA HAVE THIS BIG SPRING WEDDING,

MOM, I'M SO HAPPY.

NICE TIMING, HUH?

TELL YOUR MOM YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED

ON THE DAY SHE GETS DIVORCED.

WHY DOES LOVE MAKE PEOPLE CRAZY?

Girl: OH! OH, MY--

OH!

OH, SCARLETT, YOU WEREN'T PICKING UP YOUR PHONE.

I'M SO SORRY!

[ laughs ]

UM...OH, UH, HALLEY, THAT'S MICHAEL.

MICHAEL, UH...

HI.

MM-HM.

Michael: THANK YOU.

[ motorcycle revs ]

BYE! I LOVE YOU!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WOW.

YOU, UM, DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE DOING IT.

OH...

WHEN YOU MEET THE RIGHT PERSON

AND YOU FALL IN LOVE...

IT'S LIKE...IT'S LIKE EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT,

YOU THOUGHT IS...OH!

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

NO. I CAN'T.

SCARLETT, COME ON.

YOU ARE SOUNDING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE

TO A HALLMARK GREETING CARD.

YOU'RE GONNA LET YOURSELF TURN INTO MUSH

OVER SOMETHING LIKE SEX?

UM...YEAH.

YOU CAN'T EXPECT TO DO ANYTHING GREAT IN LIFE

IF YOU BUCKLE THE FIRST TIME SOME GUY BATS HIS EYES AT YOU.

NEWS FLASH, HAL--

EVEN MADONNA EVENTUALLY GOT MARRIED.

MY MOM THINKS THAT MEANS THERE'S HOPE FOR HER, TOO.

YOUR MOM WANTS TO GET MARRIED?

WELL, SHE WANTS TO FALL IN LOVE, HALLEY.

EVERYONE DOES.

HI. I'VE BEEN IN--

HI. I'VE BEEN DIVORCED FOR A LONG TIME,

SO MY BAGGAGE IS ANCIENT HISTORY.

I LIKE TO THINK THAT I TRAVEL LIGHT THESE DAYS.

EXCEPT FOR MY DAUGHTER SCARLETT,

WHO IS JUST A JOY OF A CARRYON.

SEE, I THINK I'M TAKING THE BAGGAGE THING TOO FAR.

MAYBE I SHOULD START OVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK OF THIS WHOLE IDEA.

I'M ONLY GONNA SEND IT TO THE ONLINE GUYS

WHO PASS MY RIGID FIVE-POINT CHECKLIST.

HERE, YOU TRY.

GO AWAY.

LYDIA, THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS IS SITTING OUT THERE RIGHT NOW

WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU. SPEAK TO HIM.

I DON'T THINK THE PERFECT MAN

IS GONNA WANT TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

SURE HE DOES, SWEETIE. SPEAK TO HIM.

GO ON.

I'M SORRY, MR. PERFECT,

BUT IF YOU'RE WAITING FOR ME,

IT'S GONNA BE A HELL OF A LONG WAIT.

SEE, I'VE HAD IT WITH MEN LIKE YOU.

MM-HM. I THINK IT'S TERRIFIC THAT YOU HAVE A GREAT JOB,

AND YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO THE NEEDS OF OTHERS,

AND YOU JOG THREE TIMES A WEEK TO KEEP THE BELLY AT BAY,

BUT THE SECOND SOME SILICON-BREASTED,

BUTT-KISSING, AIRHEAD CLIMBER HALF YOUR AGE COMES ALONG,

YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR PANTS ZIPPED.

WELL, FUCK YOU!

THAT'S RIGHT, MR. MIDDLE-AGE,

THINK-YOU'RE-A-BIG-SHOT, PHONY ASSHOLE.

YOU AIN'T GETTIN' ANY FROM ME.

OKAY.

I THINK WE'LL JUST GIVE THIS A LITTLE TIME.

[ imitates leaky faucet ]

[ mutters ] So juvenile.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE BACK EARLY FROM CAMP.

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WHERE WERE YOU TRYING TO GET TO IN THAT OLD CANOE?

NO COMMENT.

NO COMMENT?

I DON'T SPEAK TO THE PRESS.

I'M THE PRESS?

YEAH, AND ANYTHING I SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST ME.

I WOULD NEVER USE ANYTHING AGAINST YOU.

OH, DAD, GIVE IT UP! IT'S OLD.

AND YOU NEED TO GET YOUR OWN MATERIAL.

Man: DADDY DOG.

YO.

LEN MARTIN. IT'S YOU, RIGHT?

WDYG'S COOLEST DEEJAY.

THAT'S ME.

"WE DIG THE DOG!"

[ makes barking sound ]

LOVE YOUR SHOW, MAN.

THANKS, MAN.

YOU ARE THE HIPPEST OLD GUY I KNOW.

YO, DUDE!

I'M NOT THAT OLD!

[ howling noise ]

[ howling noise ]

THAT'S LEN MARTIN.

[ barks ]HEY!

Woman: HELLO, GORGEOUS ONES.

AND YOU INVITED HER.

HEY, BABY.

HEY.

I THOUGHT WE'D SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER,

THEN WE COULD HAVE A CHANCE TO BOND.

WELL...LOOK AT YOU, HALLEY.

THAT'S HARD TO DO WITHOUT A MIRROR, ISN'T IT?

HONEY, YOU KEEP GETTING PRETTIER EVERY DAY.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU COULD SAY THAT

'CAUSE YOU DEFINITELY DON'T SEE ME EVERY DAY.

AND YESTERDAY, OH, MY GOD, I WAS SO UGLY.

AND LAST WEDNESDAY, THAT SUCKED, TOO.

SO IT'S KIND OF A DAY TO DAY THING.

I LOVE THAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

JUST LIKE HER DADDY.

LOOK AT THAT GORGEOUS GIRL.

DAD, STOP IT.

SHE'S GOT HER DADDY'S HAIR.

DON'T CUT IT.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

DON'T CUT IT. JUST LET IT GROW.

DON'T CUT IT.

CUT IT.

OKAY.

LET ME COUNT THE WAYS THAT THIS CARD CAN BE USED

TO INDUCE...

NAUSEA, GASTRIC DISTRESS, VOMITING.

YEAH, GO AHEAD AND MOCK ME, BUT THIS IS SERIOUS.

I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING FUNNY AND SOMETHING SWEET,

JUST THE WAY SCARLETT IS.

REMEMBER LAST TIME I GOT HER--

OKAY. OKAY. WELL, LOOK, HERE'S ONE.

NOT HELPING.

"FROM SMALL BEGINNINGS COME GREAT THINGS."

"CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW BABY."

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA HELP ME.

LIGHTEN UP, SHERWOOD.

"THE FIRST TIME WE MET, YOU STOLE MY HEART."

"GOOD LUCK IN FINDING A COMPATIBLE ORGAN DONOR."

NICE!

I'M KIDDING, OKAY? IT'S BLANK INSIDE.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, FORRESTER.

THIS GIRL IS AMAZING-- UNLIKE YOU.

AND SHE'S SENSITIVE-- UNLIKE YOU.

AND SHE'S SEXY.

UNLIKE YOU.UNLIKE ME.

Forrester: THERE'S GOTTA BE A CARD HERE

FOR A REDHEAD FROM A NEWLY SMITTEN

HUNKA-HUNKA BURNIN' LOVE.

I MEAN...LOOK.

SUMMER ROMANCE HAS ITS OWN SECTION.

IT'S NOT A SUMMER ROMANCE. I MEAN...

SCARLETT IS...

STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU...DUDE.

HI.

Michael: SNEAKING UP ON ME?

[ clears throat ]

HI, HALLEY.

HI.

[ giggling ]

YOU REMEMBER MY NAME?

SURE. WE WERE IN BIOLOGY TOGETHER.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT...

YOU WERE NEVER THERE. REALLY. TECHNICALLY.

I LIKE YOUR HAIR.

THANK YOU.

♪ I DON'T NEED TO READ BILLY SHAKESPEARE ♪

♪ MEET JULIET OR MY VOLIO ♪

♪ FEEL FOR ONCE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO REBEL NOW ♪

♪ I WANNA BREAK OUT, LET'S GO ♪

♪ GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT ♪

SEE, MY SCHEDULE IS ALL WRONG, WHICH, I THINK, IS A SIGN

THAT NOTHING'S GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN THIS YEAR.

UM, IT'S A COMPLETE AND TOTAL MESS.

LOOKS LIKE A FINE SCHEDULE TO ME, HALLEY.

NO. UM, BAND?

I WOULD NEVER SIGN UP FOR BAND.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BAND?

I DON'T PLAY ANYTHING?

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD. I'M SURE YOU COULD HANDLE IT.

OKAY, MRS. TOUSSAINT, THIS IS NOT MY SCHEDULE.

LOOK, I'M SIGNED UP FOR ALGEBRA,

AND I'VE ALREADY TAKEN CALCULUS.

WELL, MAYBE A BRUSH-UP IS A GOOD THING,

NOT TO MENTION A GOOD GRADE.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A SHOT BEFORE YOU DECIDE ANYTHING.

OKAY, I'M SIGNED UP FOR BOYS' P.E.

Radio: 94 FM...

FILL OUT THIS FORM AND WE'LL START AGAIN.

LEN MARTIN WITH A TRAFFIC UPDATE

FROM THAT LOVE PUPPY IN THE SKIES,

OUR VERY OWN LORNA QUEEN.

LORNA, YOU UP THERE?

Lorna: HI, LEN.

ON A CLEAR DAY, YOU CAN SEE FOREVER.

AND THIS IS ONE BEAUTIFUL MORNING.

SHOULD WE TELL EVERYONE OUR LITTLE SECRET?

Len: CAREFUL, BABY, YOU SURE THIS IS THE TIME?

Lorna: I AM BURSTING AT THE SEAMS

TO TELL EVERYONE WE'RE ELOPING.

[ Len howls ]

Lorna: OOPS, I JUST SPILLED THE BEANS.

[ turns radio off ]

HALLEY, THAT IS YOUR FATHER'S SHOW, RIGHT?

I JUST LOVE IT.

HI.

TELL HIM CONGRATULATIONS.

I'M SURE VERY YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT THE UPCOMING NUPTIALS.

MY FATHER AND MY SISTER.

MY SISTER AND MY FATHER?

YOUR FATHER AND YOUR SISTER ARE GETTING MARRIED?

YEAH.

NO, NOT TO EACH OTHER.

I...

I HAVE TO CHECK SOMETHING BEFORE I FILL THIS OUT.

SIT DOWN, FORRESTER.

LET'S SEE IF WE CAN SORT OUT YOUR USUAL CHAOS.

MAYBE YOU'LL EVEN DO US

THE HONOR OF ATTENDING THIS YEAR.

OKAY, LATER, M.T.

I GOTTA RETHINK THAT SHOP CLASS.

I'M PRETTY SCARY WITH TOOLS.

OH, MY.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW, DID YOU, ABOUT YOUR DAD GETTING MARRIED?

YES, I DID.

THE BASTARD.

HE TELLS THE WHOLE WORLD BEFORE HE TELLS YOU.

HE'S NOT...

WHATEVER.

AT LEAST IF THEY'RE ELOPING,

YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE WEDDING.

I MEAN, COME ON, WEDDINGS ARE THE WORST.

ME? I'VE HAD TO GO TO, LIKE, FIVE BETWEEN MY PARENTS.

DON'T ASK.

LISTEN, M.T. WASN'T GIVING YOU A HARD TIME BACK THERE, WAS SHE?

"M.T."?

MRS. TOUSSAINT AND I... WE'RE ON CLOSE TERMS.

YOU GET TO KNOW YOUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR REALLY WELL

WHEN YOU'RE CLEARLY IN DESPERATE NEED OF GUIDANCE.

SEE, I'VE GOT IT DOWN TO A SCIENCE.

YOU TRY THE JEDI MIND TRICK.

WHAT'S THAT?

YOU NEVER SAW STAR WARS?

NO, I SAW IT.

I GUESS I JUST DIDN'T MEMORIZE IT LIKE YOU DID.

WELL, THAT'S YOUR LOSS, ISN'T IT?

BECAUSE THE JEDI MIND TRICK

IS WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE WHAT TO THINK,

AND THEY THINK IT.

FOR EXAMPLE, M.T. SAYS,

[ nasal voice ] "MACON, YOU'RE ALREADY IN TROUBLE,

"AND IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

IS THIS ANY WAY TO START THE NEW YEAR?"

OKAY, PRETEND YOU'RE ME. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OKAY. I SAY...

NO. I WANNA BE SOMEONE ELSE.

CUTE. NO.

YOU, AS ME, SAY...

"MRS. T, YOU'RE GONNA LET THIS ONE SLIDE.

BECAUSE IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE,

IT'S ONLY THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL,

AND THE FIRE WAS PUT OUT AS QUICKLY AS IT WAS STARTED.

YOU DIDN'T REALLY START A FIRE, DID YOU?

THE POINT IS THAT YOU PUT THE WORDS INTO SOMEBODY'S MOUTH

AND THEY GIVE THEM BACK TO YOU

LIKE THEY'VE JUST COME UP WITH THE IDEA.

LIKE WHEN I ASK YOU TO GO OUT THIS FRIDAY NIGHT,

YOU'RE GONNA THINK YOU'RE ASKING ME BECAUSE YOU'LL SAY,

"YES, MACON, I WOULD LOVE TO,

"BECAUSE I KNOW WE'LL HAVE A TOTALLY GREAT TIME TOGETHER.

IN FACT, I'VE BEEN HOPING YOU'D ASK ME ALL WEEK."

YOU WANNA GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME?

SEE? I TOLD YOU YOU'D ASK ME.

MACON, I THINK I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH ALREADY

TO ACTUALLY GO OUT WITH YOU.

WHAT KIND OF LOGIC IS THAT?

IT'S LOGICAL LOGIC.

THE QUICKEST WAY TO RUIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE

IS TO ACTUALLY TRY AND HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.

HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED WHEN THE OPPOSITE SEX GETS TOGETHER,

EVENTUALLY, SOMEONE ENDS UP GETTING HURT?

WELL, I AM, TOO-- BOYCOTTING.

YOU CAN'T BOYCOTT YOUR FATHER'S WEDDING.

IT'S NOT EVEN A WEDDING.

IT'S...AN ELOPEMENT.

YEAH, EXCEPT EVERYONE WITHIN HIS RADIO FREQUENCY IS INVITED.

MY GOD, HE IS SUCH A HYPOCRITE.

I CANNOT BELIEVE HE WOULDN'T TELL US ABOUT IT FIRST.

HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU ANY WARNING WHEN YOU WENT TO DINNER?

SHE WAS AT THAT DINNER?

NO.

OKAY, YEAH, SHE WAS THERE AT THE END.

MOM, COME ON. SHE WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.

YOU KNOW...

I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA LET HIM WALK ME DOWN THE AISLE.

PLEASE STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME.

I AM FINE. I'M FINE.

IN A WAY, IT SETS ME FREE. I FEEL STRANGELY LIBERATED.

AND HE IS STILL YOUR FATHER, AFTER ALL.

AND IF HE WANTS TO MAKE

A COMPLETE AND UTTER FOOL OF HIMSELF

BY TRYING IN SOME PATHETICALLY CLICHé FASHION

TO RECAPTURE HIS SORRY STATE OF MANHOOD

BY HOOKING UP WITH NOT EVEN A VERY ATTRACTIVE BIMBO,

THEN IF THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS, I'M FINE WITH THAT.

SOMEONE TOSS, PLEASE.

NOW.

THIS IS OUR RECEPTION AREA

WITH OUR POST-CEREMONY CHAMPAGNE BAR...

WHICH IS CONVENIENTLY LOCATED

RIGHT NEXT TO OUR VERY OWN CHAPEL.

CAN'T YOU JUST PICTURE WALKING DOWN THIS AISLE?

IN A COFFIN.

SORRY, IT'S JUST... A LITTLE DEPRESSING.

ACTUALLY, NOBODY'S EVER SAID THAT BEFORE.

Ashley: LEWIS...SAY SOMETHING. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, I LIKE IT. I MEAN, IT'S VERY CLEAN.

CLEAN?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT OUR WEDDING DAY TO BE?

CLEAN?

IT'S NOT... IT'S NOT PRETTY,

IT'S NOT INTIMATE, IT'S NOT ROMANTIC.

I'M JUST SO HAPPY THAT I GET TO MARRY YOU.

Woman: I'M SORRY, NOT TO PRESSURE YOU,

BUT THIS SPACE DOES BOOK UP QUITE QUICKLY FOR SPRING.

IN FACT, WE HAVE ANOTHER COUPLE--

WHY DON'T WE GIVE THEM A MOMENT TO THINK?

ASHLEY, SWEETIE, THEY PLAN THE WHOLE THING.

THE FOOD AND THE FLOWERS... EVEN THE PLACE CARDS.

THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH LESS HASSLE IT'LL BE.

YOU THINK PLANNING THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF OUR LIVES

IS A HASSLE?

IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN THAT LONG.

19 1/2 HOURS.

[ gasps ]

WOULDN'T MICHAEL LOOK COOL IN THAT?

HEY, I DID A GOOD JOB, HUH?

MICHAEL SHERWOOD WOULD LOOK GOOD IN ANYTHING.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT, THOUGH, OKAY?

ENJOY HIM AND FOOL AROUND WITH HIM.

DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT "FALLING," ANYWAYS?

IT'S NOT WORTH IT TO YOU TO SPEND MONEY ON A WEDDING.

THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY.

I WAS TRYING TO KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.

CHEAP IS WHAT THAT IS.

OH, YOU SEE CHEAP, I SEE CONVENIENCE.

LOOK AT THEM.

THEY'RE LIKE A WALKING WARNING SIGN AGAINST ROMANCE.

LEWIS IS THIS ANAL, UPTIGHT GEEK

WHO HAS MY SISTER UNDER SOME KIND OF SPELL,

SO NOW ALL THIS FORMERLY SEMI-INTELLIGENT PERSON

THINKS ABOUT IS DIAMONDS, AND HAIRDOS...AND BULLSHIT.

IT LOOKED LIKE A K-MART.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW BEFORE WE GO?

MAYBE GO BY AND LOOK AT IT.

SEE? LOOK AT THEM.

THEY DON'T EVEN LIKE EACH OTHER,

BUT BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID SPELL THEY'RE UNDER,

IT MAKES THEM DISREGARD ALL THE FACTS.

THEY ARE FIGHTING

BECAUSE THEY LOVE EACH OTHER ENOUGH TO CARE.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT LOOKED LIKE A K-MART BEFORE I WENT THERE.

LEWIS, ONCE WE GOT IN THERE, YOU KNEW.

OKAY, I GOOFED.

TOO BAD YOU CAN'T GET A DIVORCE BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED.

THAT WAY, YOU COULD SAVE YOURSELF

ON THAT STUPID EXTRA STEP.

LEWIS, I'M SORRY.

SEE?

Ashley: THESE DISHES, THEY'RE PERFECT.

AW...THAT'S LOVE, HALLEY.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

FALL ONCE AND YOU MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO GET BACK UP AGAIN.

[ cell phone beeps ]

MICHAEL.

[ both laugh ]

Halley: GEEK! GET OUT OF HERE!

ISN'T HE ADORABLE?

HE'S CUTE.

[ clapping and cheering ]

YEAH! WHOO!

YAY!

ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL!

ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL!

WAY TO GET THAT GOAL!

WHOO!

Coach: OKAY, GUYS, LINE UP!

Coach: ALL RIGHT, GUYS, BACK UP.

LET'S GIVE HIM SOME AIR.

SHERWOOD? SHERWOOD, YOU HEAR ME?

MICHAEL?

GUYS, BACK UP. GIVE HIM SOME AIR.

ALL RIGHT? A LITTLE BIT OF AIR.

[ siren approaches ]

CALL THE DOCTOR.

I THOUGHT MY PARENTS' DIVORCE WAS THE END OF THE WORLD.

THAT WAS BEFORE MICHAEL DIED OF A HEART DEFECT.

AND THE WORLD STOPPED...

OR IT SHOULD HAVE.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK IT'S 100 DEGREES OUT.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

THE ONLY BLACK CLOTHES I HAVE ARE WINTER CLOTHES.

I HAVE NOTHING NICE TO WEAR.

I DON'T THINK IT MATTERS, REALLY.

LOOK, THIS IS...

THIS IS DARK GREEN AND IT'S REALLY NICE.

IT'S UGLY, HALLEY.

I'M JUST TRYING TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

ANYTHING, FOR ONE SINGLE SECOND.

I WANNA LOOK GOOD FOR HIM.

DOES THAT SOUND CRAZY?

THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.

YEAH, BUT DYING IS DEFINITELY NOT ONE OF THE BETTER CONCEPTS.

NO, THE DRESS, HALLEY.

EVERYONE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M A FREAK.

OKAY, IT'S NOT FOR THEM. IT'S FOR MICHAEL.

REMEMBER THAT.

CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT SHE'S WEARING?

THAT'S, LIKE, SO DISRESPECTFUL.

SHE ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE ALL THE ATTENTION TO HERSELF.

Pastor: "ALTHOUGH IT DROOP AND DIE THAT NIGHT,

"IT WAS THE PLANT AND FLOWER OF LIGHT.

"IN SMALL PROPORTIONS, WE JUST BEAUTY SEE.

"AND IN SHORT MEASURES,

LIFE MAY PERFECT BE."

MR. MACON FORRESTER WILL NOW ADDRESS US.

I--I WAS GONNA READ FROM THIS...

BUT I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT READING.

OR WRITING...

OR SPELLING.

NOT LIKE MICHAEL.

HE WAS GOOD AT SO MANY THINGS WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE MYSELF...

BY MYSELF.

AND NOT TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

EVEN IF THAT MEANS BEING COMPLETELY UNCOOL.

HE TAUGHT ME ABOUT HOW TO TRUST PEOPLE.

AND HOW TO LOVE.

'CAUSE HE WAS SO GOOD.

HE LOVED HIS FAMILY, HE LOVED HIS FRIENDS.

HE LOVED BASKETBALL.

AND HE LOVED SCARLETT.

AND HE LOVED THIS.

[ plays "Do You Realize," by the Flaming Lips ]

♪ DO YOU REALIZE

♪ THAT YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FACE? ♪

♪ DO YOU REALIZE

[ thunder crashes ]

♪ WE'RE FLOATING IN SPACE?

♪ DO YOU REALIZE

♪ THAT HAPPINESS MAKES YOU CRY? ♪

♪ DO YOU REALIZE

♪♪

♪ YOUR LOVE IS LIKE A CAR CRASH ♪

♪ DON'T IT ALL THAT WHIPLASH?

♪ YOU'RE A STAIN I CAN'T GET OUT ♪

♪ I TRY BLEACH AND I TRY SHOUT ♪

♪ YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY

♪ WHO NEEDS ATTENTION AROUND THE CLOCK ♪

Man: ...TAKE THIS WOMAN, LORNA QUEEN,

TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE, YOUR PARTNER

THE QUEEN OF YOUR OWN HEART, FOREVER AND EVER?

OH, YEAH!

DADDY, ROCK ON WITH YOUR WOMAN!

[ cheering and barking ]

AND DO YOU, LORNA P. QUEEN,

TAKE THIS OLD GUY LEN TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND

FOR ALL THE REST OF YOUR DAYS?

I DO.

[ cheering ]

WRAP IT UP. WE'RE OFF IN 15 SECONDS.

OUR AIRTIME IS ALMOST UP.

WOO-WOO!

WE MUST NOW GO WHERE FEDERAL REGULATIONS

WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO FOLLOW, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[ howls ]

[ barks ]

LEWIS, NO! NO BARKING.

♪ THEN A TALL GLASS OF BUD DRY ♪

♪ WELL, YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY ♪

♪ WHO NEEDS ATTENTION AROUND THE CLOCK ♪

SORRY, BUT YOU GOTTA GO.

OH, POOR LITTLE THING.

I KNOW JUST HOW IT FEELS.

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW.

AND WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT GREAT PETALS.

OH, MY GOD. I'M TALKING TO MY PLANTS.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR PLANTS.

HOW WAS IT?

IT WAS GREAT...

IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE THE DEVIL AND ENJOY HUMAN PAIN.

TELL ME SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW!

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU?

WAIT! NO, THE BIMBO ALMOST DIED OF STRANGULATION.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

HER WEDDING VEIL TOOK ON A LIFE OF ITS OWN AND REBELLED.

AND SHE HAD TO CLAW HER WAY OUT.

AND YOU KNOW THAT WOMAN CAN CLAW, MOM.

IT WAS SO SAD.

IT WAS LIKE, NEAR DEATH BY WEDDING VEIL.

OH...

JUST TRAGIC, ISN'T IT?

OH, MY GOD! AND THEIR VOWS?

WAS DAD THAT MUCH A LOSER WHEN YOU GUYS GOT MARRIED?

I'M SORRY.

YOUR FATHER'S NOT A LOSER.

ALTHOUGH HE DID CHOOSE TO LOOK LIKE ONE AT OUR WEDDING, TOO.

HE INSISTED ON WEARING A POWDER-BLUE TUXEDO.

THEN WHY DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED, ANYWAYS?

I MEAN, WE KNOW THEY'RE LYING TO EACH OTHER,

BUT ARE THEY LYING TO THEMSELVES, TOO?

HOW CAN YOU PROMISE YOU'RE GONNA FEEL THE SAME WAY FOREVER?

THINGS DO SOMETIMES CHANGE, HALLEY.

THIS HOUSE IS AWFULLY BIG FOR JUST THE TWO OF US,

DON'T YOU THINK?

WHAT?

YOU'LL BE GOING TO COLLEGE SOON.

MOM...A YEAR AND 3/4 IS NOT REALLY THAT SOON.

I WANT US TO START THINKING ABOUT STREAMLINING, HALLEY.

MAYBE WE SHOULD SELL THE HOUSE.

I GREW UP IN THIS HOUSE.

YES, AND THERE HAVE BEEN GREAT MEMORIES IN THIS HOUSE.

THIS IS MY HOUSE.

I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU MUST FEEL, BUT LIFE CHANGES.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS, MOM, COME ON!

AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE HERE ALONE.

[ indistinct conversation ]

BYE, HALLEY.

BYE, HALLEY.

[ boy imitates dramatic music ]

STAND BACK! LEAF MAN TO THE RESCUE.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

A GUY'S GOTTA PAY FOR GAS AND BACON BURGERS SOMEHOW.

AND TOYS, 'CAUSE I IMAGINE

STAR WARSFIGURINES MUST GET PRETTY EXPENSIVE.

I DO NOT HAVE ANY STAR WARSFIGURINES.

WELL...NOT MANY, AND I DON'T PLAY WITH THEM...

MUCH.

THIS ONE'S ON THE HOUSE.

OKAY.

UH-HUH.

HERE YOU GO.

YOU'RE AFRAID TO GO OUT WITH ME

BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY MIGHT LIKE ME?

NO, BUT THAT'S A GOOD THEORY, I GUESS,

IF YOU WANT TO PROTECT YOUR FRAGILE MALE EGO.

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T HANDLE REJECTION!

REJECTION? WHATEVER!

♪ GET A LOAD OF ME GET A LOAD OF YOU ♪

♪ WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND I HARDLY KNOW YOU ♪

♪ HARDLY KNOW YOU

♪ IT'S JUST LIKE WE WERE MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ WHAT IT IS IS JUST THE BEGINNING ♪

♪ WE'RE ALREADY WET AND WE'RE GONNA GO SWIMMING ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T I BREATHE

♪ WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT YOU? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T I SPEAK

♪ WHENEVER I TALK ABOUT YOU? ♪

♪ IT'S INEVITABLE

♪ IT'S A FACT THAT WE'RE GONNA GET DOWN TO IT ♪

♪ SO TELL ME

♪ WHY CAN'T I BREATHE

♪ WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT YOU? ♪

♪ WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT YOU ♪

[ soft tapping ]

[ sound continues ]

OF COURSE YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD

THAT I DIDN'T JUST USE THE PHONE,

BUT YOU'RE ALSO GLAD

BECAUSE IT'S SO MUCH BETTER TO TALK IN PERSON.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I'VE COME WITH SUCH A SPECIFIC PURPOSE.

WHICH IS WHY YOU'RE GONNA CUT ME SOME SLACK HERE.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.

I'VE BEEN CALLED WORSE.

YOU'RE GONNA KISS ME, HALLEY.

YOU'RE GONNA COME A LITTLE CLOSER...

SO I CAN PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU.

AND THEN, ON THE COUNT OF THREE...

TWO...

ONE.

YOU'RE A REALLY GOOD KISSER.

YOU TRICKED ME.

YOU JEDI MIND-TRICKED ME.

[ door opens ]

HALLEY?

HALLEY, IS THAT YOU OUT THERE?

Macon [whispering]: Close your eyes, go to bed.

Gimme a break.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

Halley: UM...

I'M SORRY, I, UM...

SORRY.

I JUST... I NEEDED TO TALK.

I WAS JUST COMING OVER FOR A LITTLE LATE-NIGHT CHAT.

WE'RE NOT GONNA STAY UP VERY LATE, THOUGH. OKAY?

AT LEAST DO IT INSIDE.

"NAUSEA"?

A LITTLE.

"BREAST TENDERNESS"?

OW.

YEAH. MAJOR.

"FOOD CRAVINGS"?

GRAPEFRUIT.

SCARLETT, COME ON,

I COULD ANSWER "YES" TO MOST OF THESE QUESTIONS, TOO.

I USED TO HATE GRAPEFRUIT.

WHAT'S WRONG?

NO OFFENSE, HALLEY, BUT...

UGH...YOUR PERFUME IS MAKING ME SICK.

OH, COME ON, I'M NOT WEARING PERFUME.

I USE SOAP.

MM-HM.

"HEIGHTENED SENSE OF SMELL."

OKAY, SO DO YOU PREFER DIRECT PEE-ON-A-STRIP

OR DIP-IN-A-CUP?

SHH!

Halley: MAYBE IT'S A FALSE READING.

BECAUSE I HAVE HEARD OF THINGS SUCH AS FALSE READINGS,

AND THE STRIPS DID NOT LOOK COMPLETELY PINK,

THEY LOOKED ONLY KIND OF PINKISH, SO--

FIVE KITS, HALLEY.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

[ honks horn ]

SO YOU TAKE THE CAR WITHOUT MY PERMISSION

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ON SOME KIND OF JOY RIDE.

IT WASN'T A JOY RIDE.

MAYBE I SHOULD--

DON'T THINK YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK, HALLEY MARTIN.

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE,

AND YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DRIVER.

I WAS HELPING SCARLETT GET SOME BOOKS AT SCHOOL.

WE LEFT THEM THERE--

FORGET IT, HALLEY!

MOM...

TAKING YOUR CAR OUT

IS GONNA SEEM LIKE THE LEAST OF IT.

BECAUSE WHATEVER YOU'RE THINKING RIGHT NOW...

IT'S WORSE.

WELL, ONE OF YOU BETTER TELL ME

BEFORE I HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

I'M PREGNANT.

WELL, THANK GOD YOU TOLD ME IN TIME.

[ cries softly ]

SHOULDN'T I BE GETTING PAID TO WEAR A DRESS THIS UGLY?

I'M SORRY IF YOU HATE MY TASTE

AND YOU THINK IT'S SO AWFUL YOU HAVE TO BE IN MY WEDDING,

BUT YOU ARE MY SISTER.

Woman: IT'S AN EMOTIONAL TIME.

ALL RIGHT, I WAS JUST JOKING.

JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK UP SOMETHING YOU THINK IS FUNNY,

DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO SAY IT.

OKAY, ASHLEY, I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S JUST...

I LOVE THE DRESS, REALLY.

I FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS, YOU KNOW?

[ sighs ]

I LOOK AWFUL.

WE'LL FIX IT.

IT'S NOT THE DRESS THAT NEEDS FIXING.

IT'S ME.

ASHLEY, WOULD YOU DRIVE HALLEY HOME?

'CAUSE I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK.

GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK,

YOU STUPID, LYING, FECKLESS,

TWO-TIMING SON OF A BITCH!

CAN I HELP YOU, MA'AM?

IT STOLE MY MONEY, SO, JUST...

HERE.

THIS WORKS A LITTLE BETTER SOMETIMES.

WHAT'S YOUR PLEASURE?

DIET COKE SOUNDS GOOD.

THE LAST ONE.

ON ME.

I HOPE I DIDN'T, YOU KNOW, KICK IT TOO...

I THINK THESE MACHINES ARE BUILT

TO WITHSTAND A GOOD BOOTING EVERY NOW AND THEN.

STEVE BECKWITH.

LYDIA MARTIN.

DID I SAY "MARTIN"?

IT'S LYDIA WILLIAMS NOW.

LYDIA WILLIAMS AGAIN.

WILLIAMS. AGAIN.

LYDIA.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

THANK YOU.

AREN'T YOU GONNA WEAR ANY LIPSTICK?

YOU SOUND LIKE MOM.

CAN ONE OF YOU TWO ZIP ME, PLEASE?

OKAY, YOU GUYS KNOW YOU'RE WEARING THE SAME DRESS, RIGHT?

UNBELIEVABLE.

[ knocks on door ]

DON'T USE THAT BATHROOM. YOU'RE GRANDMOTHER'S IN THERE.

WE PRACTICALLY ARE.

I'LL CHANGE.

NO, I'LL CHANGE. I'LL CHANGE.

I CAN CHANGE.

NO, I SHOULDN'T WEAR BLACK ANYWAYS.

HALLEY, COULD YOU PLEASE JUST WEAR

SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT MORE FEMININE

BECAUSE THE WARSHERS ARE REALLY TRADITIONAL.

THANK YOU.

SWEETHEART... DO YOU NEED THE LOO?

OH, GRANDMA, NO, NO, NO.

I'M GONNA USE THE ONE DOWNSTAIRS.

DON'T BE SILLY.

UH, COME ON IN.

OKAY.

I'M ALMOST THROUGH.

IT SMELLS LIKE, UM...

OH.

JUST BURNING A LITTLE INCENSE.

[ knock on door ]

MOTHER?

ARE YOU SMOKING THE CANNABIS AGAIN?

I HAD A LITTLE HEADACHE.

BUT I'M FEELING REALLY MUCH BETTER NOW.

I KNEW WE'D BE LATE.

WE'RE FINE.

HIS PARENTS ARE PROMPTNESS NUTS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M LATE.

ASHLEY, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU MAKE PEOPLE CHANGE TEN TIMES.

OOH...

THESE LEAVES WOULD MAKE A WONDERFUL TEXTILE.

HALLEY, LOOK.

I'LL BET IF WE MAKE SHEETS...

MOTHER!

OF THIS PATTERN, WE'D MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS!

MOTHER, PLEASE, NOT NOW.

[ whispers ] She's high.

SHE'S NOT HIGH, SHE'S MEDICATED.

OW.

Grandma: "OW"...

YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING--

WHEN YOU MAKE THE "OW" SOUND,

YOUR MOUTH DOES THIS FUNNY THING

IN THE CORNERS.

MOTHER, YOU'RE NOT SICK ANYMORE.

YOU WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO USE WEED WHEN YOU WERE SICK.

YOU'RE NOT SICK ANYMORE.

I DO HAVE HEADACHES A LOT.

SHE'LL BE FINE. WOULD YOU RING THE BELL?

SMILE.

[ doorbell chimes ]

DOES ANYONE ELSE HEAR WIND CHIMES,

OR IS IT JUST ME?

THIS IS A TOTAL DISASTER.

SHIT!

HELLO.

I KNOW IT'S TURKEY DAY,

BUT WE THOUGHT SQUAB WOULD BE MOST SPECIAL.

OH, THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.

SQUAB.

CAN I SAY I'M A VEGETARIAN?

NO.

IT REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE YELLOW PARAKEET

I HAD WHEN I WAS A GIRL.

SUCH A SWEET, SMART LITTLE BIRD.

THEY LOOK WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU.

MARCELLA'S SUCH A TRULY MAGNIFICENT COOK.

WE ARE LUCKY TO HAVE FOUND HER.

OH, I BET THERE'S A STORY IN THAT.

TELL ME, HOW LOST WERE YOU

BEFORE YOU WERE FOUND?

BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A LADY WHO DOESN'T GET LOST VERY OFTEN.

GRANDMA.

SHE CAME WITH US 20 YEARS AGO

WHEN WE MOVED UP HERE FROM ATLANTA.

SHE REALLY RAISED OUR LEWIS.

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE A WORKING MOTHER.

I WASN'T.

SHE DID GO THROUGH A BROKERAGE TRAINING PROGRAM.

SHE WAS GOOD.

KILLER INSTINCT.

BUT SHE SET HER SIGHTS ON ME, INSTEAD.

AND I'D SAY I GOT THE BEST DEAL AT THE FIRM.

HE'S ALL RIGHT.

HE'S NO CLARK GABLE,

BUT THEN VERY FEW MEN ARE.

WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT CHARACTER?

ASHLEY.

ASHLEY.

NO, YOU'RE ASHLEY.

[ chuckles nervously ]

THE WEDDING PLANS ARE COMING ALONG BEAUTIFULLY.

OH, WELL, YOU HOLLER IF YOU NEED ANY HELP AT ALL.

I WANT THIS TO BE A MEMORABLE AFFAIR.

Mr. Warsher: CAROL DOES THROW ON HECK OF A LUNCHEON.

Mrs. Warsher: THAT IS MY ONE REGRET

ABOUT NOT HAVING MORE CHILDREN.

HAVING GIRLS MUST BE SUCH FUN.

BUT WE ALWAYS FELT THAT HAVING AN ONLY CHILD

WAS A MUCH BETTER WAY TO MOLD AND SHAPE THEIR CHARACTER.

Lydia: ASHLEY WAS ALONE FOR HER FIRST SIX YEARS.

I LIKE TO THINK SHE GOT THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS.

Halley: MY BEST FRIEND IS AN ONLY CHILD.

SHE'S HAVING A BABY,

WHICH I KNOW AT OUR AGE

IS SOMETHING THAT OBVIOUSLY WASN'T PLANNED.

AND HER MOM IS NOT REALLY THRILLED ABOUT THE SITUATION,

BUT I REALLY THINK

THAT SHE'S KIND OF STARTING TO GET BEHIND IT RIGHT NOW.

SO...

OH!

UM, WHICH WAY TO THE BATHROOM?

RIGHT DOWN THE HALL AND TO YOUR LEFT.

Mrs. Warsher: ISN'T IT A SURPRISE--

OUR CHILDREN CHOOSING TO GET MARRIED SO YOUNG.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT LEWIS WOULD TAKE HIS TIME

TO FIND THE RIGHT PERSON.

Lewis: WELL, IT MUST BE THE EXAMPLE OF YOU AND DAD.

I MEAN... YOU MAKE MARRIAGE SEEM SO FUN.

AND ASHLEY'S A LOT LIKE YOU, MOM.

UH, SHE'S A VERY DETERMINED WOMAN.

[ smoke alarm beeps ]

[ dog barking ]

[ beeping ]

All: HALLEY?

[ knock on door ]

Lydia: OPEN THE DOOR, HALLEY.

Mr. Warsher: YOUNG LADY?

Lydia: OPEN THE DOOR. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

LOVELY EVENING. THANK YOU.

THANKS FOR STICKING UP FOR ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOUR MOM OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T WANT YOU TO GET MARRIED.

YOU MADE IT SOUND LIKE I'M SOME DESPERATE WOMAN

SOMEHOW FORCING YOU INTO THE WHOLE THING.

I DID NOT.

"ASHLEY'S A VERY DETERMINED WOMAN."

OH, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

I HAVE WITNESSES! MOM, YOU WERE THERE.

YOU DID SAY SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES.

WELL, THAT IS NOT HOW I MEANT IT.

LEWIS, YOU HAVE A LOVELY FAMILY

AND THAT IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT.

THEY WEREN'T EXACTLY LOVELY TO YOU.

"OH, YOU ACTUALLY WORK FOR A LIVING,

YOU LOWER CLASS, PATHETIC DIVORCéE?

Lydia: ASHLEY, ENOUGH.

I'M THE ONE WHO GOT HUMPED BY A DOG IN THERE.

[ soft tapping sound ]

Halley: WHERE ARE WE?

Macon: YOU'LL SEE WHEN WE GET THERE.

IT'S TOO DARK TO SEE.

JUST HOLD ON.

ME AND SHERWOOD FOUND THIS PLACE A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

WE USED TO COME HERE.

[ music plays ]

YOU LIKE IT?

♪ A LITTLE SOMETHIN' SWEET

YEAH.

♪ LOVE CAN MAKE YOU

COME ON, LET'S DANCE.

NO.

YES.

NO.YES.

NOPE.

♪ I SO WANT

COME ON, MACON.

NO.

MACON!

PLEASE? COME ON, MACON.

♪ A BOY THAT'S SO STRONG ♪

NO.

♪ A LOVE THAT'S SO TRUE

YOU LOOK GREAT, BUT I JUST...

♪ I THINK ABOUT HER, THAT'S ALL I DO ♪

[ siren blares ]

MICHAEL'S PARENTS MOVED TO FLORIDA.

YOU STILL HAVE TO TELL THEM.

I KNOW.

I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT

WHAT TO SAY THAT MAKES ANY SENSE.

WHICH MAKES SENSE,

GIVEN THAT NONE OF WHAT'S HAPPENED

MAKES ANY SENSE.

[ laughs ]

OH...

YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD.

BECAUSE IF YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WAS PREGNANT,

I WOULD UNDERSTAND YOU CONSIDERING HAVING AN ABORTION

OR PUTTING THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION.

YOU CAN STILL PUT THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION.

NO.

I KNOW ALL THE ARGUMENTS.

AND I KNOW WHAT I'M GIVING UP.

AND I KNOW THAT NOTHING IS GONNA BE NORMAL FOR ME ANYMORE.

[ chuckles ]

OH, BUT WHAT IS NORMAL, ANYWAY?

GROWING UP WITH MY MOM SURE WASN'T.

LOSING MICHAEL WASN'T.

I USED TO THINK THAT MY FAMILY

WAS THE PICTURE-PERFECT EXAMPLE OF NORMAL.

US.

MAYBE BEING ABNORMAL IS WHAT'S NORMAL, RIGHT?

YEAH, IT'S LIKE YOU AND MACON.

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE--

YOU FALLING IN LOVE WITH A GUY LIKE HIM.

I'M NOT FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM,

I LIKE KISSING HIM.

WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

WITH BENEFITS.

SHUT UP.

BYE, I'M LEAVING.

YOU'VE GOT IT BAD, HALLEY!

I'M LEAVING!

I HOPE THIS ISN'T A BAD TIME.

I KNOW THIS IS AWFULLY FORWARD OF ME,

BUT I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE OUT OF UNIFORM.

OH, THAT. I FORGOT I WAS WEARING THAT.

DIDN'T I EXPLAIN?

I'M A CIVIL WAR REENACTOR-- A LITTLE HOBBY.

I GUESS I LIKE THINKING ABOUT A TIME

WHEN HONOR AND CHIVALRY REALLY MEANT SOMETHING.

I KNOW I'VE BEEN SLOW TO TAKE ACTION.

SLOW'S GOOD.

WOULD DINNER TONIGHT BE TOO FAST?

YES.

I MEAN, NO. I MEAN, I'D LOVE TO.

♪ LONG AGO

♪ I DREW A LINE INTO THE SAND ♪

♪ JUMPED ACROSS AND HELD YOUR HAND ♪

♪ BAND OF GOLD

CHEERS.

♪ PROTECT US FROM THE BITTER TIDE ♪

♪ THAT COMES TO WASH AWAY OUR WORDS WITH TIME ♪

♪ HELLO, YOU

♪ HELLO, ME

♪ HELLO, HELLO

♪ CAN'T YOU SEE

♪ LOVE IS MORE THAN WHAT IT SEEMS? ♪

FRIENDS?

FRIENDS.

STEVE, I HAD A LOVELY TIME.

♪ PROMISES

GOOD NIGHT.

♪ MADE UNDER THE RITE OF SPRING ♪

♪ HEAVY UNDER SUMMER'S SCENE

OH!

I-I-I WAS JUST--

YOU WERE JUST LEAVING.

EXACTLY.

HALLEY.

THIS IS HOW YOU CONDUCT YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN HOME?

YOU SAID IT-- MY OWN HOME.

THAT IMPLIES I HAVE A RIGHT TO CHOOSE WHAT I DO!

HALLEY MARIE MARTIN, CONDUCT UNBECOMING.

[ knock on door ]

NO!

[ louder knock ]

NO!

YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS BOY.

I'M NOT SERIOUS.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH PEOPLE YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE IF YOU HAD A LITTLE BIT MORE FUN,

YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THE POSITION YOU'RE IN RIGHT NOW.

WHERE IS ALL THIS ATTITUDE COMING FROM, HALLEY?

THIS IS NOT LIKE YOU.

LIKE ME?

MOM, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT KNOWING PEOPLE.

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW THAT STRANGE BOY?

MOM, HE'S NOT STRANGE, OKAY?

HIS NAME IS MACON.

AND MAYBE IF YOU PAID ATTENTION TO ANYONE--

GOD FORBID-- BESIDES YOURSELF

AND ASHLEY AND HER STUPID WEDDING,

YOU WOULD KNOW THAT.

I'M TRYING.

HALLEY, YOU USED TO TALK TO ME.

YEAH, AND YOU WERE TOO BUSY HATING DAD TO LISTEN.

I'M SORRY YOU'VE HAD TO GO THROUGH THIS. I'M...

I HATE DAD...

SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS TO US.

I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM.

AND THEN I DON'T HATE HIM,

AND I FEEL BAD FOR HATING HIM.

SWEETIE, I DON'T WANT YOU TO HATE YOUR FATHER.

HE'S A DECENT MAN.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO HATE ME, EITHER,

BUT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO START LAYING DOWN SOME RULES.

OH, HERE WE GO.

HALLEY, YOU'RE GROUNDED UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

NO. NO, NO, NO.

YOU PROMISED ME THAT I COULD GO

TO THE NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY WITH MACON--MOM, PLEASE!

NO. NO BUTS, NO NEW YEAR'S EVE, NO MACON.

GOD!

[ music plays ]

"DEAR MR. AND MRS. SHERWOOD...

"GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE GONNA BE GRANDPARENTS--"

EXCLAMATION POINT.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY TELLING MICHAEL'S PARENTS

WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL?

[ cell phone rings ]

MACON LAND.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

♪♪

♪ NO ONE LIKES TO LEAVE

♪ YEAH

♪ LEAVIN', LEAVIN', YEAH

♪ NO ONE LIKES TO LEAVE

♪ YEAH

♪ LEAVIN', LEAVIN', YEAH

♪ SHE'S COMPLETELY FREE

HEY, MACON, THE MAN.

HI.

[ laughs ]

THE PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED.

THE PARTY HAS-- I'M HERE.

[ rap music plays ]

YEAH.

OKAY.

SORRY.

NOW, YOUARE PRETTY.

AW...

COME ON, YOU CAN SMILE BETTER THAN THAT.

Macon: HEY!

WHAT? SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SMILE?

MAYBE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO.

WELL, EXCUSE ME FOR BREATHING.

YEAH, YOU'RE BREATHING TOO CLOSE.

SORRY ABOUT THIS.

IT'S OKAY.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HERE'S TO THE NEW YEAR, RIGHT?

YEAH, RIGHT. TO THE NEW YEAR. WHOO.

OKAY, KNOCK-KNOCK. POLICE RAID.

HEY, MACON, MY MAN... WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?

I LOST MY DAMN EARRING.

HEY, MACON.

HI, HALLEY.

HI.

THANKS.

Boy: HALLEY...

NICE NAME.

HEY! WHO WANTS TO SEE MY FERRET?

DUDE, I HAVE ONE. I HAVE ONE.

COME ON, DUDE.

I PUT A LITTLE HAT ON HIM AND EVERYTHING.

IT'S AWESOME.

SO, WHEN'S SCARLETT DUE, ANYWAY?

YOU KNOW?

YEAH, MY MOM'S A BOOKKEEPER IN HER DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

BUT...DON'T WORRY. I HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE.

THIRD WEEK OF MAY.

GOD, THAT IS SO FREAKY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD, BUT...

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY'D HOOKED UP.

REALLY? 'CAUSE THEY WENT OUT ALL SUMMER.

DID THEY?

YEAH, AND HE WAS COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH HER.

SHE'S RUINING HER LIFE, YOU KNOW.

I THINK I'D KILL MYSELF BEFORE I HAD A BABY.

I KNOW ENOUGH

TO KNOW I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT.

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SCARLETT.

RIGHT.

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

♪ SUPPOSE I SAID

♪ I'M ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR

♪ THERE ARE TIMES

♪ I LOSE MY WORRIED MIND

♪ WOULD YOU WANT ME

♪ WHEN I'M NOT MYSELF?

♪ WAIT IT OUT

♪ WHILE I AM SOMEONE ELSE? ♪

♪ SUPPOSE I SAID

♪ COLORS CHANGE FOR NO GOOD REASON ♪

♪ WORDS WILL GO

♪ FROM POETRY TO PROSE

♪ WOULD YOU WANT ME

♪ WHEN I'M NOT MYSELF?

♪ WAIT IT OUT

♪ WHILE I AM SOMEONE ELSE?

♪ AND I

♪ IN TIME

WHAT'S WRONG?

♪ WILL COME AROUND

I'M SORRY.

♪ I ALWAYS DO

HALLEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

♪ FOR YOU

[ talking and laughing ]

All: TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN,

SIX, FIVE, FOUR,

THREE, TWO, ONE.

[ cheering ]

I'M SORRY.

I REALLY AM.

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED US TO BE TOGETHER.

I--I DO-- BUT, "TOGETHER"?

IT'S SO OFFICIAL AND SO BIG FOR--FOR US.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST SAY WHAT YOU FEEL FOR ONCE, HUH?

I COULD DO THAT.

I CAN.

I CAN.

I FELT LIKE I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE BECAUSE I MIGHT...

REALLY...

CARE ABOUT YOU, AND...

AND IT SCARED ME SO MUCH BECAUSE THAT MEANT THAT...

YOU COULD HURT ME.

OR MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T FEEL READY...

TO LIKE SOMEONE... THAT MUCH.

AND I LIKE YOU.

DON'T MAKE IT SO COMPLICATED, HALLEY.

[ horn honking ]

[ screams ]

[ horn honks ]

SOME PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE.

I HAD TO CRASH INTO IT.

HEY, BABY.

HI.

I'M SORRY.

YOU GAVE US QUITE A SCARE.

GOD.

AND I RUINED YOUR PARTY, TOO.

I'M NOT CONCERNED WITH THE PARTY.

YOUR DATE WITH STEVE.

I KNOW THAT WAS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU.

HALLEY, I KNOW YOU WERE WITH MACON FORRESTER.

MOM, IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT, THOUGH.

WE WERE TRYING TO LEAVE THIS BAD PARTY AND GET HOME.

HE WAS LETTING ME DRIVE--

YOU GUYS KNOW I'M THE WORSE DRIVER IN THE WORLD.

AND I COULD NOT EVEN SEE--

HALLEY, SAVE YOUR STRENGTH.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT TO COME UP WITH BETTER EXCUSES.

♪ THINKIN' ABOUT TOMORROW

♪ TIRED FROM ALL THE TIME I SPENT ♪

MACON WASN'T THERE WHEN I WOKE UP.

MACON WASN'T THERE WHEN I LEFT.

MACON WASN'T THERE THE WHOLE NEXT WEEK AT SCHOOL.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN YOU BREAK YOUR OWN RULES?

ANY WORD FROM HIM?

NO.

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT GUYS ARE GOOD AT, RIGHT?

DISAPPEARING?

♪ SO LONG

♪ BYE, MY FRIENDS, SO LONG ♪

♪ SO LONG

♪ WILL IT EVER HAPPEN AGAIN? ♪

HEY. I'M BACK.

YOU REALLY DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

AND I'M REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD TO WAIT FOR YOU TO GROW UP.

MACON?

ASHLEY?

OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?

HI, HALLEY.

I THINK I JUST DROPPED MY KEYS.

NO, THEY'RE IN THE DOOR. COME ON. OW!

HI. STOP SPINNING! STOP SPINNING, STOP SPINNING.

I'M NOT SPINNING!

SHH!

[ whispers ] Quiet!

MAYBE YOUSHOULD BE QUIET.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

Ashley. Ashley, upstairs.

OH, HALLEY, YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD SISTER.

Shh!

WHOA...YOU THINK I'M DOING THOSE?

I AM NOT DOING THOSE.

Be careful. Shh!

CHRIST, HALLEY. IT'S ALL RIGHT!

THIS IS MY BACHELORETTE PARTY!

I'M A BACHELORETTE!

WHOA!

OH...

THANK YOU, LITTLE SISTER.

YOU ARE THE GREATEST.

OKAY, ASHLEY-- ASHLEY!

PLEASE, JUST TAKE THIS.

JESUS. WHAT--

WHOA.

YOU JUST...

[ laughs ]

ASHLEY,

PLEASE. COME ON.

[ whispers ] Mom is upstairs sleeping.

MOM'S NOT HOME.

OH, REALLY? AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?

FRIDAY NIGHTS SHE SNEAKS OUT TO HAVE SEX WITH STEVE.

[ laughing ]

SHE TOLD YOU THAT?

SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW.

GOD, WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THAT I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH?

Ashley...

YOU HATCHET-FACED SCARECROW.

YOU BABOON.

BAG OF BONES.

YOU SOUR PUSS.

[ knock on door ]

TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU.

OOH...HOW IS SHE?

[ blows raspberry ]

SWEETIE.

A HANGOVER KIT.

OH...

NOT TO APPEAR SUPERIOR, BUT I DID LIMIT MYSELF

TO ONE GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IF IT WASN'T FOR HALLEY, I WOULD'VE DIED, PROBABLY.

NO, YOU JUST WOULD'VE WOKEN UP ON THE PORCH.

Lewis: I BET THE NEIGHBORS WOULD'VE LOVED THAT.

RIGHT, ESPECIALLY WITH THE, UH,

MEN'S UNDERWEAR AROUND HER NECK.

UNDERWEAR?

IT WAS NOTHING. JUST SOMETHING STUPID.

UNDERWEAR IS NOT "NOTHING."

UH, NO, THEY WERE PRETTY MUCH NOTHING.

WE PROMISED EACH OTHER NO STRIPPERS.

I KNOW, LEWIS. I KNOW, I KNOW.

BUT I WAS AT THE MERCY OF MY FRIENDS.

DON'T PROMISES WE MAKE TO EACH OTHER MEAN ANYTHING?

YES, OF COURSE THEY MEAN SOMETHING, LEWIS!

GOD, DON'T BE SO UPTIGHT!

OH, I'M UPTIGHT? I-I-I--

YES, LEWIS, YOU ARE. YOU ARE UPTIGHT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? HALLEY WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU.

YOU HAVE GOT A BROOMSTICK UP YOUR BUTT.

I NEVER SAID THAT!

Lewis: WELL, GUESS WHO PUT IT THERE?

DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY. MAYBE I'LL FIND SOMEBODY FUN!

TO TELL THE TRUTH, YOU ARE NO FUN!

WE MADE A PROMISE TO EACH OTHER,

BUT YOU DON'T KEEP IT BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO SELF-ABSORBED.

DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY.

Lydia: HELLO. GOOD MORNING, HALLEY.

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

I THINK THEY'RE BREAKING UP.

Ashley: RELAX. YOU'RE NO FUN.

Lewis: MARRIAGE IS A PROMISE-- SOMETHING THAT HAS TO BE KEPT.

NOT EVERY ARGUMENT LEADS TO A BREAKUP.

[ door opens ]

FOR REAL!

[ door slams ]

THE WEDDING IS OFF.

[ ring clatters ]

[ soft tapping sound ]

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY I'M SORRY.

"I'M SORRY" DOESN'T ALWAYS CUT IT, MACON. GOD!

I COULDN'T STAY WITH YOU AT THE HOSPITAL.

I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE,

BUT THINK HOW MUCH MORE FREAKED OUT

YOUR MOM WOULD'VE GOT IF SHE'D HAVE SEEN ME.

OH, MY GOD.

OKAY. WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

SO, YOU WERE DITCHING ME FOR MY OWN BENEFIT?

AW...

NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

I--I DIDN'T DITCH YOU.

I...

OKAY, I...

I FREAKED OUT.

I'M NOT USED TO FEELING THIS WAY ABOUT SOMEBODY.

AND I JUST...

I COULDN'T BELIEVE I ALMOST LOST YOU, TOO.

HERE.

COME ON, I'LL HELP YOU EAT THEM.

NO. I DON'T WANT ANY.

I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE.

YOUR MOM WILL GET OVER IT.

IT'S NOT MY MOM. IT'S ME.

AND, OF COURSE, IF YOU DO DECIDE TO GET MARRIED,

I CAN GET MY MAKEUP AND HAIR PEOPLE

TO DO YOU ON THE BIG DAY.

AND IF YOU DECIDE NOT TO GET MARRIED,

I THINK YOU SHOULD LET THEM DO SOME WORK ON YOU ANYWAY,

BECAUSE YOU ARE GONNA WANT TO LOOK YOUR BEST

WHEN YOU GET BACK OUT THERE.

DARLING, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH CANCELING A WEDDING.

NO, IT'S INDEFINITELY POSTPONED.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY OFFICIALLY.

MY MOM FOUND OUT.

ACTUALLY, I HAVEN'T REALLY EVEN MADE UP MY MIND YET,

SO IF EVERYBODY COULD JUST--

OH, HONEY.

GIVE ME A HUG.

SWEETIE, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

OKAY? FOR A WHILE THERE, I THOUGHT I'D NEVER GET MARRIED.

FINALLY, I HAD TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN,

OR MY GUY HERE WOULD NEVER HAVE LEFT--

[ phone rings ]

[ rings ]

I'LL GET THAT.

HELLO?

HONEY, IT'S THEIR MOTHER CALLING FROM VIRGINIA.

IT SEEMS YOUR GRANDMOTHER HAD A BAD FALL.

YOUR MOTHER WANTS YOU TO MEET HER THERE.

DO YOU THINK SHE'S OKAY IN THERE?

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE.

[ yells ] GRANDMA, ARE YOU ALL...RIGHT?

YES, I'M JUST SMOKING A LITTLE MARIJUANA.

LOOK AT THAT PATTERN.

IS IT JUST ME,

OR IS THAT THE SPITTIN' IMAGE OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN?

LOOK, HALLEY, LOOK. SEE, THERE'S THE MOLE.

HALLEY, YOU MUST SEE IT!

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SEES THINGS NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE.

I DO?

YES.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WALKING YET.

NEXT TIME YOU FALL LIKE THAT, YOU'RE GONNA BREAK YOUR HIP.

THEN YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.

HALLEY...

YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT

TO SEE OUR COMET TOGETHER?

MM-HM.

Lydia: HALLEY WAS TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER THAT.

NO, I DO REMEMBER.

YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY.

YOU REMEMBER HEARING ABOUT IT AFTER.

NO, MOM, I DO REMEMBER.

WHY DOES NO ONE TRUST ME TO KNOW WHAT I KNOW ANYMORE?

GOD.

GOD!

SHE DOESN'T EVEN THINK

THAT MY OWN MEMORIES BELONG TO ME.

DARLING, SHE'S YOUR MOTHER.

NOW, TELL ME ABOUT THIS FELLA OF YOURS.

WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?

GRANDMA, IT'S REALLY OVER.

FIRST LOVES ARE NEVER REALLY OVER.

NOBODY'S PERFECT, SWEETHEART.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT WASN'T WORTH YOUR WHILE.

OH, BOY! DO I HAVE THE MUNCHIES!

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

HE'S NOT TERRIBLE-LOOKING.

YEAH, HE'S EVEN CUTE

IN THAT GEEKY WAY YOU LIKE GUYS, ASHLEY.

HALLEY, IT'S...

IT'S LEWIS.

ASHLEY, LOVE OF MY LIFE...

LIFE OF MY HEART...

ONCE AGAIN...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YES.

YES.

YES. HOW CRAZY.

HOW CRAZY. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

DO IT.

I OWE YOU ONE.

FOR?

MACON'S A REALLY GREAT GUY.

SEE YA, HALLEY.

HALLEY.

HEY.

HI.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU GUYS WERE LIKE...

HANGING OUT.

ELIZABETH GUNDERSON AND ME?

NO, WE'RE JUST--

FRIENDS?

YEAH.

RIGHT.

NO, IT'S FINE, BECAUSE WE HAD OUR THING,

AND IT WAS FUN...

UNTIL IT WASN'T ANYMORE, RIGHT?

NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, IT'S BEST TO JUST KEEP GOING,

DON'T YOU THINK?

COME ON, WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR A SEC?

AND TO MY BRIDE.

THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME

THAT SOCKS DON'T NEED TO BE IRONED,

THAT ONE NEEDN'T EMPLOY THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM

FOR THEIR CD COLLECTION,

AND THAT, IN THE END,

IT REALLY DOESN'T MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF DIFFERENCE

WHETHER YOU START THE TOILET PAPER

FACING UP OR DOWN...

DESPITE--DESPITE WHAT MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME.

BECAUSE, ASHLEY, YOU HAVE SHOWN ME

THAT LIFE IS WORTH EMBRACING.

EVEN IF IT MEANS MAKING A GIANT FOOL OF YOURSELF.

AND LUCKY FOR ME,

YOU'RE WILLING TO MARRY THE GUY

WHO'S BEEN THE BIGGEST FOOL OF ALL.

SO HERE'S TO A LIFETIME OF BIG, MESSY,

WONDERFULLY OUT-OF-ORDER MOMENTS

WITH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD--

MY BRIDE.

OH...

YOUR BIG SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED IN 3 1/2 HOURS.

BUT YOU KNOW IF YOU GET NERVOUS,

YOU CAN ALWAYS...

YOU REMEMBER THE SIGN.

OF COURSE. YOU TAUGHT IT TO ME, REMEMBER?

SO, YOU KNOW. JUST...

LIKE THAT. UH-HUH.

I'LL DO SOMETHING. I'LL YELL, "FIRE!" OKAY?

OKAY.

OKAY.

AND WE'RE BACK WITH THE BIG DOG OF SOFT ROCK.

WDYG, 94 FM. "WE DIG THE DOG."

AND THIS IS DADDY DOG HIMSELF, LEN MARTIN,

COMING TO YOU TODAY ON A VERY SPECIAL DAY,

'CAUSE ONE OF MY VERY OWN PUPPIES, THE ELDEST,

ASHLEY, IS GETTING MARRIED.

LORNA, HONEY, ANY WORDS OF WISDOM

COMING FROM YOU,

MY VERY OWN NEWLYWED?

UH-HUH.

WATERPROOF MASCARA.

Len: I'M GONNA BORROW YOURS,

'CAUSE DADDY IS GONNA BE WEEPING LIKE A BABY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S KICK OFF THIS POWER HOUR OF LOVE.

HALLEY?

HALLEY,

ARE YOU OUT THERE? SECURITY!

HEY, GIVE ME--COME ON. THIS IS MY JOB!

MY HALLEY?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET YOU TO LISTEN, BUT--

Lorna: LEN, LET HIM TALK.

JUST HEAR ME OUT.

UM...

I SUCK WITH WORDS.

BUT SOMETIMES, WORDS AREN'T THE THING.

LOVE ISN'T ABOUT WORDS, IT'S ABOUT WHAT YOU DO.

AND WHAT I DID...

RUNNING AWAY, IT WAS STUPID.

WE BOTH KNOW LOVE'S A BIG, SCARY, EVIL CONCEPT.

BUT IF YOU FEEL IT,

IT'S GONNA FOLLOW YOU AROUND LIKE A HUNGRY DOG

NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU RUN.

WAIT. I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY LOVE'S A DOG,

I JUST MEAN...

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

I LOVE YOU, HALLEY.

IF LOVE BEATS US UP,

LET'S JUST BEAT IT UP RIGHT BACK.

WE COULD DO THIS, HALLEY.

IF YOU'RE READY TO MAKE THE JUMP,

I'LL BE RIGHT HERE TO CATCH YOU.

AND WHAT A POWERFUL

POWER HOUR OF LOVE IT HAS BEEN.

THIS IS LEN MARTIN FOR WDYG,

THE BIG DOG OF SOFT ROCK.

THAT'S RIGHT-- ROMANCE IS IN THE AIR.

IT'S EVERYWHERE HERE TODAY, FOLKS.

AND THIS NEXT SONG IS GOING OUT TO THAT YOUNG LADY IN QUESTION,

MISS HALLEY MARTIN AND HER BIG SISTER ASHLEY,

'CAUSE DADDY LOVES YOU.

[ Wild World by Cat Stevens plays ]

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, MOM.

♪ NOW THAT I'VE LOST EVERYTHING TO YOU ♪

I'M NOT TOO OLD TO WEAR PINK?

NO.

♪ AND IT'S BREAKING MY HEART YOU'RE LEAVING ♪

♪ BABY, I'M GRIEVING

I LOOK LIKE A GIANT HELIUM BALLOON.

COME ON. WE HAVE TO GO.

♪ HOPE YOU HAVE A LOT OF NICE THINGS TO WEAR ♪

I'M GONNA WALK OVER.

I'LL MEET YOU THERE.

♪ OOH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ♪

♪ IT'S HARD TO GET BY JUST UPON A SMILE ♪

♪ OOH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ♪

♪ I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU LOOKING LIKE A CHILD, GIRL ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I'VE SEEN A LOT OF WHAT THE WORLD CAN DO ♪

♪ AND IT'S BREAKIN' MY HEART IN TWO ♪

♪ BECAUSE I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU SAD, GIRL ♪

♪ DON'T BE A BAD GIRL

MACON!

♪ TAKE GOOD CARE

OH!

[ breathing heavily ]

OH, MACON!

♪ AND BEWARE

♪ WELL, OOH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ♪

HALLEY! LET'S GET HALLEY!

BACK SEAT. I NEED TO LIE DOWN.

OH! OKAY...

♪ OOH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ♪

[ Wedding March plays ]

Minister: PLEASE BE SEATED.

WE HAVE COME TOGETHER TODAY TO JOIN IN HOLY MATRIMONY

ASHLEY RENEE MARTIN AND LEWIS GIBSON WARSHER II.

IF ANY AMONG YOU KNOW ANY REASON

WHY THIS COUPLE MAY NOT LAWFULLY BE MARRIED,

DECLARE IT NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.

[ congregation chuckles ]

DO YOU, LEWIS, PROMISE TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH ASHLEY

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER,

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,

FORSAKING ALL OTHERS AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE?

[ loudly ] I DO.

AND DO YOU, ASHLEY,

PROMISE TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH LEWIS,

FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER,

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,

FORSAKING ALL OTHERS AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE?

I DO.

THE RINGS?

DEAR FRIENDS,

LET US ASK GOD TO BLESS THESE RINGS

AS A SYMBOL OF THEIR LOVE EVERLASTING.

Lewis: NO. NO, THE OTHER FINGER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ASHLEY, LEWIS...

[ whispers ] She's having the baby.

Shh. Please be quiet.

...AND HONOR TO DECLARE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE.

YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.

[ applause ]

She's having the baby...now.

Right now?

Scarlett's having the baby right now. I have to go.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

SCARLETT'S HAVING THE BABY.

BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! NO! NO!

SHIT!

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THE BABY!

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THE BABY!

LEWIS--

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

THAT WAS JUST A DREADFUL SCENE IN THERE.

NOW THE SEATING ARRANGEMENT'S GONNA BE A DISASTER.

ONE EMPTY SEAT THROWS EVERYTHING OFF.

MOTHER, STOP IT. OKAY?

IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

Halley: SQUEEZE MY HAND. SQUEEZE MY HAND.

IT'S OKAY. WE'RE GONNA GET THERE.

[ screams ]

I ASSUME DADDY WOULD LIKE TO BE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM?

UH, ME? NO, NO. I--

BABY!

MOMMY!

SWEETIE! HI, SWEETIE.

MOMMY, I NEED YOU.

I'M HER MOTHER.

MISS SMITH?

IT'S OKAY. OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

DON'T LEAVE ME.

SO, DO YOU HATE ME?

NOT YOU, PER SE.

I HATE THE WAY YOUR HAIR FALLS IN YOUR FACE.

AND I HATE THE WAY YOUR VOICE

GETS REALLY LOW WHEN YOU'RE SERIOUS.

AND I HATE THE WAY YOU BITE YOUR BOTTOM LIP

WHEN YOU'RE NERVOUS.

AND THE WAY YOUR EYEBROW GOES--[ whistles ]--LIKE THAT.

I HATE THAT.

SO, THAT'S IT?

YOU JUST HATE THE WAY I WALK AND TALK AND LOOK.

NO.

THAT JEDI MIND TRICK THING?

I HATE THAT.

DON'T GIVE UP ON ME.

I'M NOT.

BUT YOU ARE GONNA REGRET EVER HAVING MESSED UP.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PAY FOR A LONG TIME.

BUT FIRST...

YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE THREE STEPS TOWARDS ME.

♪♪

AND YOU'RE GOING TO WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND MY WAIST...

AND ON THE COUNT OF THREE...

TWO...

♪ WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY ♪

♪ THAT'S WHEN I LOVE YOU

♪ I LOVE YOU

♪ JUST THAT WAY

WE'RE GONNA DANCE.

MM-HM.

♪ WHEN YOU LAUGH AT YOUR OWN JOKES ♪

♪ THAT'S WHEN I LOVE YOU

♪ I LOVE YOU

♪ MORE THAN YOU'LL KNOW

♪ AND WHEN YOU FORGET THAT WE HAD A DATE ♪

♪ THAT LOOK THAT YOU GIVE WHEN YOU SHOW UP LATE ♪

♪ BABY, I LOVE YOU

♪ I LOVE YOU ANYWAY

♪ 'CAUSE HERE'S MY PROMISE MADE TONIGHT ♪

♪ YOU CAN COUNT ON ME FOR LIFE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S WHEN I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ WHEN NOTHING YOU DO CAN CHANGE MY MIND ♪

♪ THE MORE I LEARN, THE MORE I LOVE ♪

♪ THE MORE MY HEART CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪

♪ THAT'S WHEN I LOVE YOU

♪ WHEN I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT ♪

♪ OH

♪ OH

♪ THAT'S WHEN I LOVE YOU

♪ WHEN NOTHING, BABY

♪ NOTHING YOU DO CAN CHANGE MY MIND ♪

♪ THE MORE I LEARN, THE MORE I LOVE ♪

♪ THE MORE MY HEART CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪

♪ THAT'S WHEN I LOVE YOU

♪ WHEN I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT ♪

♪ OH

♪ OH

♪ NO MATTER WHAT

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-DA-DA, DA-DA-DA-DA-DA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA, DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA ♪

♪ LA-DE-DA-DA-DA

♪ YOU KNOW I'VE SEEN A LOT OF WHAT THE WORLD CAN DO ♪

♪ AND IT'S BREAKIN' MY HEART IN TWO ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU SAD, GIRL ♪

♪ DON'T BE A BAD GIRL

♪ IF YOU WANNA LEAVE, TAKE GOOD CARE ♪

♪ HOPE YOU MAKE A LOT OF NICE FRIENDS OUT THERE ♪

♪ BUT JUST REMEMBER THERE'S A LOT OF BAD ♪

♪ AND BEWARE

♪ OH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ♪

♪ IT'S HARD TO GET BY JUST UPON A SMILE ♪

♪ OOH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ♪

♪ I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU LIKE A CHILD, GIRL ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-DA-DA, DA-DA-DA-DA-DA ♪

♪ LA-DA-DA-DA, DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA ♪

♪ LA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ IF YOU WANNA LEAVE, TAKE GOOD CARE ♪

♪ HOPE YOU MAKE A LOT OF NICE FRIENDS OUT THERE ♪

♪ BUT JUST REMEMBER THERE'S A LOT OF BAD ♪

♪ AND BEWARE

♪ OH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ♪

♪ IT'S HARD TO GET BY JUST UPON A SMILE ♪

♪ OH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ♪

♪ I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU LIKE A CHILD, GIRL ♪

♪ OH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ♪

♪ OH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ♪

♪ TA-DA-DA-DA-DA, TA-DA-DA ♪

♪ TA-DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ TA-DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ TA-DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ DO-DA-DA-DA

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ DA-DA-DA, DO-DA-DA ♪

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ MM, HM, MM, HM,

♪ MM, HM, MM

♪ DA-DA-DE-DE-DE

♪ OH-HO

[ continues scatting ]

♪ HERE'S THE THINGS I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT, SILLY BOY ♪

♪ YOU'RE OFTEN THOUGHT ABOUT IN WAVES ♪

♪ THE SUN IS SETTING ON MY SIDE ♪

♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT UNLESS IT'S GONE AWAY FOR GOOD ♪

♪ BUT IT'S SO HARD

♪ WATCHING YOU FADE AWAY

♪ AND IT'S TOO HARD

♪ WATCHING YOU FADE AWAY

♪ THESE ARE THE WAVES THAT I TALKED ABOUT, SILLY BOY ♪

♪ DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT WHAT I HAVE SAID ♪

♪ THESE ARE WAVES THAT I TALKED ABOUT, SILLY BOY ♪

♪ DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT WHAT I HAVE SAID ♪

♪ IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD

♪ IT'S SO HARD

♪ WATCHING YOU FADE AWAY

♪ AND IT'S TOO HARD

♪ WATCHING YOU FADE AWAY

♪ THESE ARE THE WAVES THAT I TALKED ABOUT, SILLY BOY ♪

♪ DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT WHAT I HAVE SAID ♪

♪ IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD ♪