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Cyber House Rules

I gave the cookies you made to the kids. They couldn 't believe it.

They were delicious. But, I digress.

Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Can one of you guys get that?

[SQUEALING]

It's a doorbell baby! Hello, little guy.

- I was abandoned as a baby too. So... - Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it.

- Bender, stop! It's a baby! - A baby what? Ow.

It's just a card from the orphanarium I grew up in.

BABY'S VOICE: Leela, you're invited to a reunion...

... at Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium!

WOMAN'S VOICE: Please stand clear of self-destructing basket.

A reunion at your old orphanarium? You gonna go?

No way, Jose-bot. I never want to see those orphans again.

Not after the way they used to pick on me.

CHILDREN: One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!

Nice depth perception, One-eye.

How can you make fun of me? You're blind.

My eyes may not work, but at least I got two of them.

That's terrible, Leela.

Imagine the look on their faces when we eat all the hors d'oeuvres.

Well, I wouldn't mind rubbing my success in a few faces.

Set a course for adventure!

FRY: Ew. BENDER: What a dump!

Just like old times.

Gosh, the bars on the windows seemed so much thicker back then.

- Ahem. - Mr. Vogel, remember me?

Leela, you're worthless, and no one will ever love you!

- You used to say that all the time. - Oh, those were happier days.

Mm. The gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.

Try the Popsicle sticks. They've absorbed a lot of flavor.

Hey, look, it's our old group picture.

- I don't see you anywhere. - That's me over in Cootietown.

Get a load of this average-looking guy.

That's Adlai Atkins. I used to have kind of a crush on him.

- One-eye! One-eye! - Stupid as a French guy!

One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!

One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!

Well, it's time to say hello to the old gang.

So, what you been up to since you left?

- Living in a box. You? - Selling kidneys, teeth, whatever.

And what am I up to, you ask? Why, I'm a very successful space captain.

Oh.

- Wow. - How nice for you, Leela.

That's so good for a person with one eye.

Hey, you can't feel sorry for me.

I'm a space captain, and you're a bunch of losers.

Right, right. We're the losers.

Well, if it isn't old One-eye.

- Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, cane-boy! - He can't hear you. He's deaf now.

Leave her alone. She's leading a normal life.

She's not gussied up, duded out or where it's at.

Now, run along.

Thanks, Adlai. I guess you never outgrow being an eyeball. Oddball.

Nonsense. You're a captain. That's a fine profession.

Well, it's just for a package delivery service.

A package is just a box until it's delivered.

Huh, I'd never thought of it that way. What do you do?

- I'm a doctor. - A tall doctor, you say?

Sir, you seem stable.

- Have you thought about adopting? - No.

It's a great way to have a kid without sex.

Really?

The government will help with $ 100 a week.

A hundred dollars a week?

I'm so sorry I teased you. Let me make it up.

- I'll fix it so no one teases you. - By beating them up?

I broke that blind kid's nose, and it made no difference.

No, I specialize in phaser eye surgery.

I can build you a paraffin eye and graft it on.

It won't be able to see, but you'll look like a normal two-eyed person.

Me? Perfectly normal?

Hm.

Mm.

CHILDREN: Yay!

Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry.

Why are they with you? Do you have candy?

No. It's called parenting.

Come on, dumplings, we've got 12 government stipends to collect.

CHILDREN: Yay! BOY: Our daddy's a giant toy!

FARNSWORTH: Phaser eye surgery is a capital idea.

I'm sure Leela's tired of morons gaping at her eye all the time.

Ah...

Cosmetic surgery's great. I used to be too cute...

...so I had cuteness reduction surgery here and here.

You're crazy! Leela doesn't need surgery. You look great now.

Oh, that's so sweet, Fry. But for once, I just want to look normal.

You're better, you're abnormal! You shouldn't care what people think.

I'll start by not caring what you think.

I'm getting the surgery.

- Thattagirl! - Wonderful!

You can also get an ink pouch to help you escape your enemies.

That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you imbecile!

[MIMICS THREE STOOGES]

Now we'll find out if the operation was a success. Hold on to your hats.

[GASPING]

Oh, I'm sorry. This is the wrong patient.

[GASPING]

Oops.

- Those eyes look so great on you! - She looked fine before.

- No. - Wrong.

Wow, look at me!

- I don't have the hang of blinking. - You will.

I try not to blink too much, because it's flashy. But when I do, I enjoy it.

I did it! I blunk!

Just in time to screw up this picture!

Hooray!

- Ow. - Ow.

[GROANS]

I've never felt so unremarkable! Today I actually blended in with a crowd!

- Kids, meet the jerk-bags I work with. - Hello, jerk-bags!

- They're so cute! What are their names? - Kids have names?

- My name's Nina, and his name's Albert. - Now you're all named Bender Jr.!

Look! My first government stipend check.

Twelve baby humans, 1200 wing-wangs.

Daddy Bender, we're hungry.

What is it with you kids? Every other day, it's food, food, food!

Oh, fine. I'll get you some stupid food.

- Can we have Bender burgers? - The cat shelter's onto me.

Hello, Leela.

I was getting one of my shirts toned down, so I dropped in for your exam.

- That's handsome of you. - Follow the light with your eyes.

Perfect. A guy could fall head over heels for you.

- I'm interested myself. - What are you saying?

I'm not good with words, so I'm in a delicate conundrum.

- Will you go out with me? - Sure.

I don't know what else to say, so I'll just say it. Okey-dokey, see you then.

This is so unfair. I liked you as a cyclops.

- He's only interested in your eyes. - You're just jealous.

No, I'm not! Wait, I am! But my point remains valid!

I want to try dating a man, who if you go somewhere with him...

...no one says he's crummy. I deserve that once in life.

Be careful with that Adlai. He's a doctor. They're poor.

- Most doctors are rich. - When did this happen?

You're joking, right? That's not funny!

They got everything you need:

Booze, peanuts, they got a crapper in the back...

- That's something you do, right? - Yeah.

Then knock yourself out.

Only eat and drink enough to keep yourselves alive!

I'm trying to make a profit here.

- Daddy, Bethany's hitting me! BENDER: Here.

- These kids yours? - Yeah.

- I like a man with responsibility. - That's me, baby.

Let me ditch the kids in an alley, and we can go have some fun.

- Daddy Bender? - Daddy's trying to score...

...with a cheap floozy right now, so cram a Tinkertoy in it.

I love you, Daddy Bender.

- What the hell? Quit hugging me! - I guess you're busy. Catch you later.

You morons! I've got half a mind...

...to hug each and every one of you, and see how you like it!

Yay!

Come on.

I'll take you someplace no one could object to.

That sounds wonderful.

I'd like an extra-beautiful bouquet for my extra-gorgeous sweetheart.

Average, please.

Adlai, I've had a wonderful time today.

No one's stared at me or avoided staring or tried to burn me.

You make me feel so not weird.

Leela, you're 999,999 in a million.

Thanks for coming to get to know Adlai. Isn't he dreamy?

Totally.

[CHEWING]

Listen, I want you all to know your Leela's one standard lady.

Oh, Adlai, stop.

What's wonderful about Leela being normal? We aren't.

That's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg.

- He's a weird monster who eats garbage. - Damn right.

And the professor's a senile, amoral crackpot!

Oh, ee-yay.

FRY: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant. - Tally me banana.

FRY: Amy's a klutz from Mars. - Oops.

- And you've got that brain thing. - I already did!

Leela, do you want to be like us or like Adlai...

...with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?

That's the dumbest question ever.

- She's right. - Daylight come.

- Coming through. Watch your head. - Help, I'm under attack!

Remember your manners. Forks in the left pocket, spoons in the right.

Which one of you cutie muffins gets the spicy squab?

Me.

- What do we say when you get something? - About time!

That's my boy!

And here's your check. Bam!

[GASPS]

I gotta go poopy!

You should've gone before it was time to run.

Go! Through the kitchen!

You little crooks! If I catch you, I'm gonna make cutie-muffin gumbo!

Seeing that robot force children to do his bidding...

...makes me think about kids. - Us? Me? You? Kids?

It's time to stop living this vida bachelor loca and have kids.

Oh, Adlai. This is the most beautiful moment of my life.

[ZOIDBERG MIMICS THREE STOOGES]

Daddy, I want a piggyback ride!

Daddy's tired. Let's just have another dog pile on Fry.

- Tell us a story, Daddy Bender! - Story!

- All right, fine. Gather around. - Yeah! Story!

We want to hear this one again.

Ahem.

"Bender's Arrest Record, by the police.

On March 3, at 2 p.m., Bender was caught shoplifting."

Yeah, show us the picture.

[LAUGHING]

GIRL: There he is!

It's 9:00, you know what that means.

Daddy's sick of looking at you, so go to bed.

Aw.

The grownups have to talk. Come on, Ma.

Now to figure out how much money I'm raking in off those kids.

[MUTTERS]

- I need a calculator. - You are one.

I mean a good calculator. Minus the food, the bunny-rabbit wallpaper...

I get 100 bucks a kid, and they're costing 110!

- There goes my cabinets. - I won't go to another PTA meeting!

The kids have got to go!

- Daddy, how do I flush you? - Just go to bed!

[FLUSHES]

Doing this jigsaw puzzle of a pacifier factory...

...makes me want children even more.

I was thinking. Since we're orphans, maybe we should adopt a child.

Adoption? Yes, that's acceptable.

It's more than acceptable. It's adequately satisfactory.

Imperial Dragon restaurant? I've got a herd of you-know-whats for sale.

Let me check. Oh, aren't you a cutie.

About 35 pounds.

What?

Bender, we'd like to adopt a child.

This is the place...

...because Bender's Orphanarium means discount orphans.

What do I have to do to send you home with 12 orphans?

- I'm afraid we only want one. - I'll show you what I got in stock.

I remember this.

They trot you out, and parents judge you like a piece of meat.

- I'm Albert. - Kind of fatty.

Then how about this little number? Purebred human. No vampire in there.

- Uh, um... - Um, uh...

If you're strapped for cash, consider this unit.

Cursed with a third ear but full of an emotion I understand is called love.

One time, I did 100 jump ropes.

Oh, I can't decide. We have to think about it.

Grownups gotta talk now. Time for bed.

- But it's 10 a.m. - I said hit the hay!

Okay, okay.

LEELA: Oh, they're all so adorable. - Yeah.

It's times like this I can hardly bear to let them go.

Good night, you princes of Maine, you kings of New New England.

You're under arrest for child cruelty, endangerment...

...selling children as food and faking the weight of livestock.

If you had kids of your own, you'd understand!

Would it be all right if we adopted a kid?

Might as well. They're gonna rot in the evidence locker.

Nice ear!

Hey, freaky ears!

- I've made up my mind. Let's adopt her. - But there's plenty of normal ones.

Come on, she could really use a mom and dad.

Ear-face, Ear-face Sally won the ugly race

They have a point. She has an ear on her face.

So what? She may be different, but she still deserves a good home.

If you want her, I'll give her an operation to make her acceptable.

She doesn't need an operation. She's fine this way.

- And you were fine the way you were? - Damn right I was!

Yay!

Shut up, Fry! Look, Adlai, I'm proud to be different.

I wish I'd realized that when I was her age.

I also have a tail.

Take me to the hospital and put my eye back. Now.

Why should I do that?

By the end of the day, one of us is gonna have one eye.

In recognition of Bender's generous gift of 12 orphans...

...and a check for 1200 wing-wangs...

...I hereby rename this building the Bender B. Rodriguez Orphanarium!

It's good to have the weird-looking Leela back.

You're a true friend. I guess there's nothing wrong with being weird.

Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.

We'll miss you.

We know robots don't have emotions, but we drawed you this picture.

So if you ever miss us, even just a teeny bit, you can look at it.

Hey, I smoke a cigar, not a candy cane.

Aw...

CHILDREN: Yay!

Hey, what the...?

Get away! Come on! I just got all the gum off of there!

I hate you! I hate you all!

Subtitles by SDI Media Group

[ENGLISH SDH]