Original subtitles

Mmm!

Really, Dad? Another burger?

[ Chuckling ] Whoa!

You gonna take that from your own kid, Lou?

Come on, fight back. Make fun of his hands.

No, we've just been eating a lot of burgers together lately.

We formed a club, the Burger Boys.

Whenever a place has the balls to advertise

the "Best Burger in Orlando,"

it's the Burger Boys' job to put it to the test.

[ Chuckles ] It's been a really fun way to hang out with two of my sons.

Food is just brain-fuel.

My girlfriend Sicily makes nutrition bars

so we can focus on what matters --

science and holding hands.

You touch her knee yet?

Shut up!

Almost.

Thank you for scheduling this dinner so late.

I can't get out of the house while Maria's awake anymore.

Sure you can. Use the door.

No, she is just so clingy,

she has a tantrum whenever I leave the room.

[ Doorknob rattling ] Maria: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!

It's okay, sweetie!

Mommy's right here!

She has a shy bladder, though,

so the more you scream, the longer this'll take.

Mommy, where are you?

Honey, you have to start ignoring her.

Teach her that she doesn't get attention by yelling.

She only gets it through hard work and academic achievement.

That worked with your boys?

You ignored them and that fixed it?

Oh, they never needed it.

They're so independent, especially now.

In fact, it's freed me up for...

[ Glass dinging ]

Hey! Eyes on me!

I am pleased to announce that I will finally

be recording an audiobook of my under-appreciated novel,

"A Case of a Knife to the Brain."

I'll be doing an R-rated version and an X-rated version.

Ooh!

You should've said all ea on you.

It's an audiobook.

-- Captions by VITAC --

Fresh off the boat

I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go

If you don't know, homey, now you know

Fresh off the boat

Homey, you don't know where I come from

But I know where I'm goin'

I'm fresh off the boat

"As Jennifer Hong got up to the bazooka factory rafters,

she saw a door.

Her elegant fingers grasped the knob, turned the knob,

and pulled the knob --"

[ Door opens, closes ]

Ooh! Sorry, are you recording?

Maria: Hi.

Honey, why is there a child on your leg?

I gave you perfect advice. She should be obedient by now.

Actually, your advice worked too well.

Oh, yes. My curse.

I ignored her, and she calmed down,

but then I started to miss

all that clinginess and affection.

Oh, yes. Your curse.

I guess, but right now, she's my precious little girl.

Don't you miss when your boys were this young?

No.

I put in the work,

and I taught them to study hard, feed themselves,

so now I can focus on my own life again.

Speaking of which...

[ Click ]

"And as the bazooka factory rafter door creaked open --"

[ High-pitched noise ]

Wow, your door impression is incredible.

That wasn't me. I can only do doors closing.

I haven't mastered doors opening yet.

[ High-pitched crying ]

Evan. What's wrong?

Sicily broke up with me.

Oh, my precious little boy!

Come here! It's okay!

I told you it's hard to ignore your children.

This is totally different.

This isn't a baby crying for more milk.

This is a beautiful young man,

who has been betrayed by an evil, ugly witch.

Okay. Come on, Maria.

Bye.

[ Grunts ]

I'm telling you, turducken is not Thanksgiving-exclusive.

We could do it year-round.

And I'm telling you -- I see "turd" on a restaurant menu?

I'm eating somewhere else.

Louis: We've got another one, boys!

Looks like Burger Barrel thinks they have

the "Best Burger in Orlando."

Those suckers don't know what they're in for.

You mean when you buy their food and talk about it?

Trent, just... Okay?

Hey, boss, think I could get in on the action this time?

Oh, sorry, Chestnut,

but this is more of a Huang-boys-only thing.

[ Chuckles ] Alright. Yeah.

I guess you would have to adopt me. [ Chuckles ]

Which would be crazy, right? [ Chuckles ]

Right?

Whoa, no bacon bits?

I get it, saving space for the beef.

Smart.

I could learn from you.

Well, actually...

Look, I wasn't sure how to say this before,

but I was watching PBS, and there was this documentary

called "Fatal Farming."

Long story short...

God, why is this so hard?

The thing is...

I'm vegan now.

A vegan?

No.

No boss's son of mine is gonna be a stinkin' vegan!

Here I am, ready to give my left chestnut

to be a Burger Boy,

and you're gonna give a spot to this little...

leaf-muncher?!

It's disgusting!

Whoa, you need to cool down! Oh, I need to cool down!

I'm sorry, boss.

You never think it'll be your kid.

Sorry, just playing catch-up here,

but what's a vegan?

It's like a vegetarian, except you don't eat

any animal products, not just meat.

So no dairy, no eggs --

Wait, what about candy? Can you still eat candy?

Guys, this doesn't have to be a whole thing.

I don't need to eat burgers to be a Burger Boy.

It'll still be fun to hang out.

Emery's right.

Nothing has to change. I'm sure it'll all be fine.

Yeah, you're probably right.

It'll be totally fine,

like when my sister Tiffany stopped drinking.

Huh. I didn't know you had a sister named Tiffany.

We don't talk about her because she stopped being fun.

Do we have any Gatorade?

My new boyfriend's a lot of fun.

No, and keep it down.

Evan's had a tough day, and he's trying to sleep.

You're giving Evan too much attention.

What about the advice you gave blondie?

Jenny, you eavesdrop too much.

One day, it's gonna come back and bite you.

The last thing that tried to bite me

is waiting in the garage.

Maria is a toddler, Evan is a teenager.

It's different. Give him a day.

Tomorrow he'll be back to normal.

I got to get back.

And don't come in no matter how much I yell "help."

Mommy, I had a bad dream.

Oh, it was just your grandmother.

Shh.

Uh...sorry.

Are you sure this is okay?

Not too weird?

Not at all.

I'm loaded on vitamin B12 with all these fresh vegetables.

I'm in a great mood.

Is it just me,

or is tofu at a burger joint a real bummer?

It's like a cat at a dog show. Disrespectful.

Two Double-Barrel Burgers for you.

And a seltzer for the boy who brought in outside food.

Thanks.

Well...

[ Chuckles ]

Oh.

We finally found the one burger

the Hamburglar wouldn't steal.

You can tell these were frozen.

Burrrr-ger.

Boom! Got 'em!

[ Both chuckle ]

Umm...

Are you sure you don't want to try it?

So you can see how bad it is? One bite won't kill you.

First of all, you don't know that. What if I choke?

Second, I'm serious about my veganism, Dad.

But you two should enjoy.

You know, maybe we just call it.

There's something about this place

that isn't as fun as I thought.

Oh, that reminds me.

There's this vegan restaurant, Cafe Fiona, that says

they have the Best Veggie Burger in Orlando.

Whaddaya say we put 'em in their place, huh?

[ Gulps ]

Oh, wow, yeah. Cool. Can't wait.

You're not gonna like the price,

but that's what it costs to make a patty out of beans.

And bun out of beans.

And cheese out of beans.

And the parking's valet-only.

Soothes the vocal cords...

and boosts fertility?

Just do one thing well.

Oh, you're looking refreshed, how are you feeling?

Better.

Spending time with you always makes me feel better, Mommy.

Great. That's solved.

[ Sips ]

My cords are soothed. It's time.

What's happening? What -- What is this?

Spending yesterday together felt so good,

I thought, why not do it again?

Oh. Another day of that.

Hm. Okay, I guess you can observe my process.

Hm.

Out you go. You're gonna miss the bus. Are you gonna be waiting here when I get home?

I promise. Which room?

Uhp, the door's closing.

[ Imitates door creaking ]

[ Sighs ]

Jessica, you were right --

you make a perfect door-closing sound.

I can make the perfect ass-kissing sound.

[ Smooching ]

Evan is more clingy than ever.

I thought I raised him to be the perfect machine.

But I didn't account for one thing -- love.

Now he's turned on his creator.

Like the "Terminator."

I need a plan.

How do you fix someone who's just been dumped?

I really wish I could help,

but I've actually never had my heart broken.

My nicknames in high school were "Honey the Heartbreaker"

and another I just realized I shouldn't tell you guys.

I've never had my heart broken either.

One guy tried, but he woke up the next morning

with his mattress floating down the Potomac.

[ Chuckles ] Embarrassing for a senator.

I always do the dumping.

I've dumped 14 boyfriends this year.

Hey, babe.

You wanted to talk?

Time to make it 15.

Let's do this in the garage.

Hmm?

Okay. The garage.

[ Exhales sharply ]

That's it.

I just need to talk to some duds who've been dumped.

Did Jenny get a nurse?

What just happened?

Dud.

Send me on my way

On my way

Send me on my way

On my way

Send me on my way

On my way

Send me on my way

On my way

Send me on my way

A lot of hemp on these vegans.

Cashier: Number 50! Your food's sprouted!

That's us!

50?

You mean 49 other people ordered this crap?

I can't believe we're stuck here

instead of trying Leroy's Burger Town.

Did you see their ad?

I did. Scrambled eggs in a burger patty?

Sounds terrible, but also maybe amazing?

Who knows?

Not us.

But we can't eat that around Emery. It's too weird.

Look, it'll all be fine.

He's probably just going through a phase.

You know how he's been.

Gentlemen, ready your wit.

The "Best Veggie Burger in Orlando" is served!

Wait, it's just veggie stuff?

Not like, a veggie/beef mix?

Wait, I have my shoe bologna!

Oh, damn it. I ate it in the car.

Ugh! This tastes like cardboard

that was left out in the rain.

There's definitely dirt in here.

And it might be on purpose.

[ Whispering ] What if this isn't a phase?

You can really taste the chickpea husks.

Thank you, Mother Earth, right?

Welcome, heartbroken flops.

Thank you for meeting with me here today.

Yeah. Sure thing. Always a pleasure. Sup.

You're all here because you've been dumped before --

some, I'm assuming, more than others.

Guilty!

But you've all managed to bounce back

and become mostly functioning adults.

How?

Marvin?

Oh, well, I just rebounded

the way my father taught me --

move south and date younger.

My high-school sweetheart was a 50-year-old in Maine.

"Marvin -- useless."

Never thought these words would come out of my mouth,

but, Matthew Chestnut, please speak.

Well, uh, let me tell ya --

me and Madam Heartbreak go way, way back.

I hate you.

But every time she does pay me a visit,

I just crack open a bottle of whiskey,

put on an old Western,

and weep until my eyes are as dry as the desert sands.

Spoken like a man who's never been to the desert.

Y'know, it's truly amazing how many tears

one man can produce in a single month.

"Never talk to Chestnut again."

Alright, tank-top.

Prove your worth.

Hmm? What?

I-I'm sorry. Marvin: Go, man.

This hangover is killing me.

I-I had a wild night out

with the boys last night, y'know?

Jackson bought some shots, Trey invited some babes,

Cody did some sick backflips.

By the end of the night I had forgotten

about your mother-in-law -- and my home address.

You know, unlike your choice in women,

that idea is not half-bad.

A party could get Evan off my back

and might help him get over his break-up.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. [ Chuckles ]

Okay, I just have to ask.

I grew up in Bangor.

Was she a thin woman with glasses?

No.

She was a tub of clam chowder with perfect vision.

Whew!

"She sipped her coffee."

[ Sips ]

"The clock ticked.

Seconds turned into minutes.

Minutes turned into hours.

Hours turned into days.

Days turned into weeks.

She flagged down the waitress.

'More coffee?'

One cup turned into two.

Two cups turned into three --"

[ Door opens ] Evan: Mommy!

I forgot how bad the school cafeteria food is.

Can you please make me a healthy snack?

Please, Mommy?

Maybe in a bit, but first

I have a different, original idea of my own.

Call your friends and tell them you're having a sleepover!

But you said sleepovers are just a scam

to get free babysitting.

They are, but I'll make an exception.

You're the best, Mommy!

I'll go call people right now.

And you'll do this... without me?

Sure!

[ Sighs ] [ Click ]

"Three cups turned into four.

Four cups turned into five.

She asked for the bathroom code.

It was 9-7-2-5-3-1-8-0 --"

Mom? [ Sighs ]

[ Click ] Damn it, Emery!

She was just about to meet Gorbachev in the bathroom!

Have you seen Eddie and Dad? I can't find them anywhere.

Well, they said something about going to Leroy's Burger Town.

Wait, they went to Leroy's Burger Town without me?

Are you at Leroy's Burger Town right now?

No.

Well...

[ Sighs ]

[ 1950s pop instrumental plays ]

They call this a burger?!

More like a...a booger.

Sandwich.

Cooked not good.

Don't force it. There's a lot to figure out.

You're eating, you're talking.

Just slow down. You'll find it.

I know, I know. I'm just so eager to please.

We're pleased, man. Pleased you're here.

[ Door opens, bells jingle ]

You're sneaking off without me?

And you invited Trent?

What happened to Huang boys only?

Well, what happened to eating meat?

It hurts the animals!

Of course it does! It's meat!

Hey, I'm not the one that owes an explanation here.

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Not you, Trent!

I don't know you that well, but you seem very nice!

Well, since you two clearly didn't want me here,

I guess I'll just go.

That's right, everyone!

Get your stares in now!

We're all dealing with something!

Alright, Zack -- Truth or Math?

Truth.

[ Gasps ] [ Gasps ]

Alright, boys, I'm gonna leave now.

You sure you're all okay?

Evan, you're good?

Yes, Mommy. Now please go.

Zack picked "truth."

We're in uncharted territory, and it's gonna get weird.

Well, then? C'mon.

Who would you rather kiss --

my mom or Jeff's mom?

Ooh.

Do you have a 5?

Go fish.

We've played the whole deck.

I know you have a 5.

Go fish.

I hate to admit it, but your ex

had some good advice

about distracting Evan with his "wild night."

I don't mean to be rude, but you weren't paying that guy?

Not with money.

Oh, it's so nice

to finally be able to have some time to myself!

Evan was driving me nuts,

always following me around with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

The clinginess was just too much.

[ Refrigerator door closes ]

Just getting some juice.

Hopefully it's not too much.

Oops, there I go again.

Too much.

She gets it, Evan!

You're just wasting juice!

[ Sips ]

Well, I guess I'll leave you be,

now that you "finally have time for yourself."

Look, Evan, I don't know

what you think you heard, but I wasn't --

Let's check the tapes.

You were recording? [ Click, tape rewinding ]

Jessica: Evan was driving me nuts, always following me around

with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

Nobody learned from Watergate.

Look, Evan, I wasn't --

Don't worry, Mommy.

What's a few more cracks in this broken heart of mine?

[ Sighs ] It'll be okay, Jessica. [ Door closes ]

I mean, parents are allowed to mess up once in a while.

Marvin gave Maria coffee yesterday.

I've never messed up like this before.

He'll come back. They all do.

Louis still comes to me for motherly support.

Really?

Interesting. [ Tape rewinding ]

Honey: It's not that Marvin isn't satisfying in bed.

It's just, I don't have the stamina to keep up. Okay, Jenny, that's enough.

Hey, Emery.

Look, about earlier --

Yeah, about earlier indeed!

I can't believe you picked undercooked meat blood

over your own flesh and blood.

Well, I got news for you, kid.

I run a steakhouse! That's how we survive!

Meat paid for the clothes on your back,

meat paid for your bed,

meat paid for your commemorative coins!

Your life was built on meat!

Yeah, what's the deal, Emery?

You too good for meat now or what?

If you're too good for meat,

I guess you're too good for...this alarm clock!

And this journal!

And this...bowl of...

loose batteries.

You know what, Dad?

I never judged you for eating and selling meat.

I respected you.

And all I wanted was some respect in return.

Hey, is this sleepover still happening?

Yeah, because if not, uh, that would actually be a relief.

I need my home bathroom to... do what I need to do.

I know I'm on your bed, but it's not because I'm clingy.

There was just nowhere else to go.

Evan, I felt awful for hurting you.

I didn't know what to do,

so I called my mom to talk about it.

Did she go on a rant about how annoying you are?

Actually, she sent me straight to voicemail.

But the fact that I wanted to call her

made me realize something --

sometimes a kid just needs their mom.

Unless your mom's a hamster. They eat their babies.

So you figured out Cool Ranch Jr. didn't move to Seattle?

Yeah.

Did Eddie?

No. And I won't tell him.

You're always so perfect, I sometimes forget

it doesn't mean you won't struggle.

I was glad I could be here to help you --

because I know I won't always be.

Oh, no. Are you dying?

What about the prophecy?

What? No.

I'm talking about when you go off to college.

The psychic's prediction is still true.

Mommy will outlive you all.

Oh, thank God.

Please sing at my funeral. You have a lovely voice.

It was wrong of me to get annoyed at you

just for needing my support.

Getting over heartbreak takes time.

Or so I've heard.

I guess I might have been overdoing it a bit.

And also, I started to hear myself,

and all that "Mommy" is a bit much.

From now on, you can be "Mother."

Mm, just call me "Mom."

It's the easiest thing to scream when you're being kidnapped.

[ Chuckles softly ]

[ Door opens, closes ]

I got the weird invitation you slid under my door.

Your handwriting is really bad, Eddie.

Look, you're still upset.

We've all been saying things we don't mean --

No, it's bad.

You should know which way an "E" faces by now.

We have computers. Who cares?!

Look, we're sorry.

We messed up big time.

You did. You did do that.

And we're sorry we bounced you out of the Burger Boys.

We really did like hanging out.

I mean, look at this trio.

How often are the three of us a thing?

It was never supposed to be about burgers. It was about bonding.

It was hard for me not to see you going vegan

as a judgment on me.

You don't claim to be the best in town,

so I'd never judge you.

Thanks.

Now, we did invite you to Cattleman's for a reason.

We put our heads together and made you

a good veggie burger --

not like that crap from the restaurant.

Thanks, guys.

So? What do you think?

Wow, it's, uh...

in my mouth.

[ Munching ]

"As he knelt over his lover's pale, lifeless body

he took her pale, lifeless hands in his darker, alive hands.

He turned his neck upward

and screamed to the heavens..."

Whyyyy?! How could this have happened?!

My heart has been broken!!

Sicily!!

[ Click ] Whew!

Sorry, this is way more therapeutic than I thought.

I'm glad it's helping, but just so you know,

you're not making any royalties from this.

I know, Mom.

[ Click ]

"He turned his neck upward, then screamed to the heavens..."

[ Door closes ]

Thank you for such a lovely date, Jenny.

What the hell?

You really do know your "Matlock" trivia.

Color me impressed.

And you really know how to talk over the best parts.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Heard there was an opening in the Burger Boys

and you skipped over me for your little golden boy Trent.

So now I'm dating your mother.

It's your move, boss.

You employ some odd people, Dad. [ Door opens ]

I like the ones with low self-esteem.

[ Door closes ] They do anything.

Hm.

[ All groan ]

Think that's a good idea.

Hmm.