Original subtitles

Femme Fatales 02x01 16 Minutes of Fame Original Air Date on May 25, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

- We're in the house last night,

Doing shooters, partying like fucking rock stars.

Can I say "fuck"?

You guys bleep that shit, right?

- Oh, no worries. We're premium cable.

- Oh, awesome. [snorts]

Anyway, we're all there,

and Pecs is there acting all high and mighty

like he's fucking Prince Harry or something.

So I told him to go fuck himself.

And then he gets all up in my face,

Screaming "skank" and "whore,"

So I just punch him in the sack.

Boom! He went ape shit, ape shit!

And that's when the whole house

started screaming at us and yelling.

And then that's when everything kind of starts getting blurry.

Next thing I know, it's fucking 9:00 a.m.,

and I'm in my bed, and there's somebody butt-ass naked

spooning me from the back.

And I'm hoping, I'm hoping, I'm hoping

it's Vin Diesel.

- You hooked up with Pecs.

Oh, no, you didn't.

- Yeah. Can you fucking believe it?

Oh, like I fucking remember.

But then again...

why would I remember?

The gorilla's dick is the size of a baby's thumb.

Shh.

Probably from all the steroids.

- You know, he's gonna eventually see this.

- I don't give a rat's ass.

[chuckles] Are we done here?

I need to get some serious face time with that tanning bed.

[sultry music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I've got my eye on you ♪

♪ I've got my eye on you ♪

♪ and I'm onto you, too ♪

♪ your fooling around is getting blood on my shoes ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ ooh, ah, ah-ah, oh, oh ♪

♪ ooh, ah, ah-ah ♪

♪ I've set my sights on you ♪

- ♪ I've set my sights on you ♪

- ♪ I've set my sights on you ♪

♪ I've got an alibi, too ♪

♪ so don't look around ♪

♪ I've got nothing to lose ♪

♪ ooh, ah, ah-ah, oh, oh ♪

♪ ooh, ah, ah-ah, oh, oh ♪

♪ ooh, ah, ah-ah ♪

♪ ooh, ah, ah-ah, oh, oh ♪

♪ ooh, ah, ah-ah ♪

[gunshot]

- Welcome to The Hot House,

Where six celebrities with...

shall we say, complicated histories

live together in peace and harmony

and resolve their issues like intelligent adults.

Oh, that doesn't sound like much fun, does it?

Perhaps rats on a sinking ship

would be a much more accurate metaphor...

rats without access to cell phones or the internet,

no windows, and all the doors sealed shut,

under lock and key as it were.

And we, the lucky viewers, get to watch them interact 24-7,

as they try and figure out

their, oh, so fascinating dilemmas.

Unlike some other Reality-TV shows,

no one in this house was meant to get voted off.

However, in the end, most of them did get eliminated.

Where did it all go wrong?

Perhaps we should start by meeting our housemates.

Tina Hendricks...

famous for, well, being famous.

Her father runs a movie studio,

so she has access to all the A-list parties.

Her line of face creams and body scrubs--

Tina's Essence--

was selling well, but her true claim to fame was...

[Tina moaning]

- Oh, you guessed it...

- Don't fall! - [moaning]

Oh! - Oh!

Don't die!

- A sex tape.

- You like those Hershey's kisses?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh!

- They're so sweet. - Ooh, yeah!

- They're so brown. - [moaning]

- Lucky Starr...

- ♪ I've got my eye on you ♪

- Cute, isn't he?

With a velvet voice to go with that adorable face.

Third runner-up on Superstar USA.

Lucky's debut album dropped last spring...

then kept on dropping to the bottom of the charts.

- ♪ your fooling around is getting blood on my shoes, oh ♪

Oh, Tina! Oh, Tina!

- Rumor has it Lucky was the one

who leaked his one-night stand with Tina online.

[chuckles] A guy's got to do what he can

to stay in the public eye.

- You like that? - Oh, yeah!

Pull my hair!

- God, you're so dirty! Yeah!

- Oh! - Whoo!

Oh, god, you're so dirty!

- [moaning loudly]

- Roger Reynolds...

star of another popular reality show called The Catch.

Roger caused quite a scandal when he proposed

to not one but two women in the show's finale.

- You're so sexy.

Mmm, I'd date me if I wasn't me.

- And, no, he's not Mormon, just indecisive.

Roger was engaged again three weeks later...

to Tina.

[Tina moaning]

- But they're no longer together.

Bebe--

No last name, just Bebe.

She's our resident party girl--

Mouthy, obnoxious, and rarely sober--

In other words, a hero to millions...

with more Twitter followers

than Charlie Sheen and Ashton K combined.

[both moaning]

- And also the reason why Tina and Roger

are no longer an item.

[Bebe moaning]

- Hi. Come here.

What?

- It's all good.

- Pecs--trainer to the stars

and half of the world's most passionate love story--

The other half being himself.

- Let's go out there and be the Adonis God made you to be.

Book's already flying off the shelf.

Workout video's coming next.

[grunts]

After this show, world domination.

[inhales deeply] That's you, Pecs.

That's you, Pecs.

Own it. Own it.

- [chuckles]

And there's a long waiting list for Pecs' services,

known as Celebrity Boot Camp...

[both moaning]

- Yeah!

- Because he's known for his killer workout,

bound to get any Hollywood starlet back in shape.

[both moaning]

- Yeah, right there.

- Stay right there.

Stay right there.

- Wha--what the fuck? - Stay right there.

Oh, babe, no other choice. Gotta make it go quick.

- No, it's not. - Oh, I swear to God.

- And finally, Angel Tomlin,

the serious actress...

the artist...

with the single-minded goal

to win an Oscar before she turns 30.

[chuckles] She has a way to go.

Her last credit was Eat and Run--

A direct-to-DVD Zombie movie

that you may have had the good fortune to miss.

So she's a little bit anxious to up her game.

- Oh, my god. I can't believe you picked me.

I want to thank the Academy,

thank my mom, my dad, my sister.

Thank you, God.

- And to do that, an actress' first priority

must be getting back into tip-top shape.

[both moaning]

- Oh, yeah. - Oh!

- Yeah, stay right there.

God, yeah, perfect.

- You got all that?

Good, because things are really starting to heat up

in The Hot House.

- All I'm saying is, like,

if you want to poison your teeth, then go right ahead,

but I don't think it's something that you need to be doing.

- Even if I'm dead, my teeth will still be white, so...

- No, it's unhealthy, okay? - Yo, where do you get off?

You're lucky I even gave you a taste of this.

Look at these abs.

Go get your dirty-ass sheets and put them on this washboard.

- Oh, my god. Your abs can't give me a fucking orgasm, okay?

I'm so sorry, Pecs,

But a Mexican chihuahua's hung bigger than you.

- I hear muscle dudes tend to overcompensate

for other shortcomings, if you know what I mean.

- Stay out of it, bogus Jonas.

- All right, let's all just calm down.

- Oh, look who wants to be Mr. fucking United Nations now

And try to get everybody to make peace.

- What the fuck does that mean?

- We all know the only reason you're doing this show

is 'cause America thinks you're a douche

for breaking the hearts of those two chicks

on that dumb-fuck show you were in,

and now you want to redeem your sorry fucking ass.

- Yeah. What's wrong with that?

Why do you have to be such a bitch?

- I'm from the Bronx. This is actually me being nice.

- Why are you always giving Roger a hard time?

You swear, like, you're here for some noble reason.

You're just trying to get your 15 minutes.

- Well, at least I'm not here

Hawking those nasty beauty creams like lame-ass Tina.

- Where is she, by the way? - Hogging the Jacuzzi as usual.

I'm the one who needs to soak.

My back's killing me.

- Maybe you should spend less time on it.

- [laughs]

- You know, people like you and Tina really piss me off.

You are so desperate to be famous,

you'll do anything for attention.

- What makes you so fucking special?

- I am an actress.

- Hmm. You call what you do a skill, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[laughs] You got eaten by flesh-eating Zombies...

- One time. - Before the opening credits

of a crappy, low-budget film. - Okay, one time. Once.

- Not--not exactly Meryl fucking Streep.

- The director was a hack.

Okay, you should see the movie I did on Lifetime.

I played a cheerleader with Tourette's.

People wept.

- I'm sure they fucking did. [scoffs]

- Yo, let's get back to me, anyway.

I'm tired of everybody making fun of my man hood in here.

- Don't sweat the small stuff.

- I'm warning you, asswipe.

- Hey, everybody just needs to fucking chill, all right?

We totally need to take a break from being stuck in here.

Why don't we ask the producers

And see if we can get a night off?

- No, you know what? I don't think that's gonna work, man.

We all signed contracts. - I know.

I mean, isn't that the point-- you know, us fighting?

Reality TV 101.

- Oh, my god.

I haven't even tweeted something in, like, four days.

I'm going through fucking withdrawals.

- You know what? I don't even need this shit.

I got a workout book

on The New York Times best seller list.

- Oh, that's it.

I am just gonna kill fucking Tina

if she doesn't get out of the fucking Jacuzzi.

- Really, does every other word out of your mouth

have to be "fuck"?

- You're--you're so right.

I am so sorry for not talking more...

ladylike.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Oh, and fuck you!

Fuck you!

- There she is. - You know what?

I'm gonna go see--just let Tina know her time's up, okay?

Anything to get away from you.

- Oh.

Oh, you fucking better watch it, bitch.

- Yo, you see that ass?

My workout made that ass. - Nice.

- Will you give the self-promotion a break, man?

- Yo, at least I didn't have to make a sex tape

so I could be a household name.

- The idea of your needle dick in high def--

the world thanks you. - Oh.

- I could collapse your windpipe right now,

And you'd never sing another note.

And you want to know who would care?

No one!

- Come on. Pecs, come on, man.

Fucking meathead, dude-- roid rage.

Calm down, son.

- Oh, my god! Aah!

In here!

- What the fuck? - Angel.

- Get in here now!

Get in here!

- You okay?

- What the fuck is going on?

- Whoa.

Sorry, guys. I thought my sandal...

- What the fuck's wrong with Tina?

Did she fucking drown in there?

[scoffs] Is she-- is she okay?

- Does she look okay, moron?

- You guys have got to get out here, okay?

Something's seriously wrong.

Do you hear me?

Someone needs to call 911.

- Okay, dudes, dudes...

[whispering] I think she's dead.

- [mockingly] No fucking way!

- Maybe they're screwing with us,

and this is just part of the show.

- Dude, this is some sick, twisted shit.

- No, she's not fucking around. I think she's really dead.

- What do we do?

- I mean, they got cameras everywhere.

They got to be watching us from the control room.

Let's go.

Hello? - Hey, open the fucking door!

- Is this a joke? You guys are sick.

- Hey, we're not fucking around. - Somebody's fucking dead.

- Hey, we're not fucking around. - Hello?

- [sighs]

- Maybe they left.

[Pecs grunting]

- Any luck? - They're not answering.

- Maybe we're just getting Punk'd.

- Yeah, maybe it's just kind of, like, a wax look-alike

of Tina or something.

- What are you two, fucking idiots?

That was Tina, and she was, like, totally dead.

- So you're saying someone electrocuted her on purpose?

- No, I'm just saying

that I think that Pecs electrocuted her on purpose.

- Me? Why would I do something like that?

- Because she was the only one of us

that didn't let you fuck her, and you hated her for it.

- Oh, yeah? What about you?

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- When you sat right there and said you were gonna kill her.

- Hey, he's right, and you had time to do it

after the confessional before you got back in here.

- You think if I really was gonna kill her,

I would sit here and announce it to everybody?

- Hey, nobody said you were a smart serial killer.

- Oh! I'm not the one with a criminal record, okay?

That's you!

Fucking klepto!

- Okay, first, I didn't steal that necklace.

I thought they gave it to me.

Second, klepto, as you so eloquently put it,

does not mean killer.

And third, I didn't have a problem with Tina.

- You were just bad-mouthing her a few minutes ago.

- Yeah, before I knew she was dead.

What about Roger, hmm?

- He's the one with the motive.

- Me? What are you talking about?

This tastes weird.

- We all know how badly it ended between you two

when she caught you in bed with Bebe.

- I never touched her.

I was still in love with Tina.

I never forgave myself for cheating.

I told Bebe that I loved Tina,

So maybe she got rid of her so she could have me for herself.

- Oh, my god.

Are you fucking serious? - Yeah.

- You should get over yourself. You're a loser.

And I barely remember the one time we fucked,

'cause I was passed out!

- You stupid little dwarf!

Bitch! - What are you gonna do, huh?

- Hey.

You okay?

- What the fuck? - Roger?

- Dude, he's--he's having some kind of seizure, man.

Oh, shit!

Roger!

- Aah!

- Oh, shut up, Angel! This isn't one of your movies!

Give it a rest! - Holy shit.

- What the fuck?

- Maybe someone...

poisoned his tooth whitener.

Remember how he said it tasted weird?

- Yo, I don't give a shit.

I didn't sign up for this. I want to get out of here.

- Control room's the only way out.

- Then let's beat down the door

and see what these fucking maniacs are up to.

You hear that, motherfuckers? I'm coming for you!

Fuck this!

Open the fucking door!

I'll eat through this shit!

Open up!

Open the motherfucking door...

Now!

Open up the door!

I'm the wrong one to fuck with, I'm telling you!

- It's no use, Pecs.

Come on, the door's made of steel.

- And what do you want to do-- sing them a fucking tune?

- There has to be some sort of emergency exit or something.

- Listen, we need to split up and search this place.

They probably forgot to lock something up.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, please, let's not split up.

What if one of us is the killer? - That's impossible.

How could one of us do all this without anybody noticing?

It's probably some psycho fan.

You know who watches this shit.

- He's right. The longer we're here, the more exposed we are.

Bebe, you go check the bedrooms with Pecs.

Angel and I can start in the dayroom.

- Yeah, let's go.

- Coming? - [scoffs]

- Hey, don't worry.

I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.

- What are you doing? - What?

I was feeling something between us.

- Oh, my go-- are you kidding me?

Now? With a mad killer on the loose?

[groans angrily] - You were giving me this look,

and I thought maybe-- - My god!

You are an even bigger loser than everyone says you are.

- Don't talk to me that way. - [groans angrily]

- Hey, come--

Stop, stop. - Let go! You're hurting me.

- Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that.

It's just I don't care about what the others think about me,

But I thought maybe we had something.

So, I guess I was wrong.

That's it. Let's get out of here.

Come on. - Wait.

Look, I'm sorry about the "loser" comment.

You're not a loser at all.

I'm just scared. I mean...

Honestly, you're the only person here I can trust.

- Oh!

[both moaning]

[Angel moaning loudly]

- Fuck.

- Find anything?

Fucking lucky.

Let's go. - All right.

Hey, where's Angel?

- I don't know.

We finished looking around,

and then she went to the bathroom for a minute,

and she--she didn't come back.

I'm starting to get worried. - Yeah?

What was this doing in your room, huh?

- Oh... [chuckles]

That's just-- - Where is she, Lucky?

- Hey, man, it wasn't me! I told you!

I said I don't know!

- Angel! - You're a fucking dead man.

Just like in the fucking horror film she did.

Guys, get in here!

Now!

She's dead.

Lucky fucking stabbed her!

- What? No! I didn't do that!

- Hey, we searched the whole house!

It had to be you! - No, no, no, no.

- You low-life piece of shit! - It wasn't me, Pecs!

- This time I'm really gonna crush you.

Motherfucker.

- Piece of shit.

- Get up.

- You killed him!

- It was an accident.

- Don't get any fucking closer!

- He was...

he was--he was choking me to death.

[stammers] It was just self-defense.

He was trying to choke me to death.

- Yeah.

- It was self-defense.

You don't understand.

That's not a real gun.

[gun clicks]

They wouldn't let me bring a real gun into this house.

Let's--let's calm down and talk about this, okay?

Come on, it's not--it's not me. - We're the only two left.

It had to be you.

[exhales sharply]

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Oh!

- Never thought I'd live to see it--

The Bronx bitch crying.

- You're--you're dead. You're--you're dead.

[laughs] - Pretty convincing, huh?

A little trick I learned on Knife to the Heart.

- What the...?

- This one, though...

- Uh... - Not a prop.

This one's the real deal.

- Okay, okay, what the fuck's going on?

- Acting wasn't the only skill I learned

shooting horror movies.

The makeup guys taught me to use fake blood and stuff...

so I look super dead.

- Oh. Okay.

Okay.

What about the others?

- Oh, that's all totally real.

Look...

I'll show you.

There's me taking care of Tina.

[chuckles]

[electricity crackling]

And that's me fucking Roger.

I-I know. I know. He's such a prick, but...

Mmm, I couldn't help myself.

You have to admit Bebe, I have one rockin' bod.

Look at me!

Look at me.

Not an ounce of body fat.

[moaning loudly]

Those breasts are all-natural.

That is 100% pure fucking perfection!

Ooh, wait, wait. Wait for it.

Here comes the good part.

- Ah! - Watch this.

[chuckles]

I put poison on his teeth whitener.

That vain prick made it so easy.

Am I good or what?

- Oh. - Huh?

The same poison I used to take out the crew.

Hey, guys, I was bored, and I figured you might be, too,

So I made some brownies-- my grandma's secret recipe.

Enjoy.

I'm so in the moment there.

Am I good or what?

- Oh. - Huh?

- Why the fuck did you do this?

- You were right.

Acting was never going to get me back in the spotlight.

But crawling out of this...

the sole survivor of a brutal serial killer rampaging

through the set of a reality show--

Now, that's what makes headlines.

- Yeah?

Nobody ever is gonna fucking believe you.

- [chuckles] Sure they will.

All I have to do... - No.

- Is destroy the footage,

and like I said, be the sole survivor.

- Oh, f--no.

[exhales deeply] Bebe...

when are you going to realize...

It isn't always about you?

I'm coming to kill you, bitch!

Get back here! Get back here!

Get back here! Get back here!

- You fucking crazy bitch!

Fuck you.

- Get off me!

Why won't you die already?

Stop fighting me, Bebe!

After this, you'll be more famous than ever.

You just won't be around to enjoy all the perks.

- Crazy--

- What?

[both screaming wildly]

- You bitch!

- Get off me. Fucking bitch.

- You--you're a bitch.

- No.

Stop it! No, no. - Yeah.

Yeah, bitch. - Stop it!

Get off me. - Fucking bitch.

Ha ha. - Aah! Not the face!

[sizzling] [Angel screaming]

- Like I said, bitch...

I'm from the Bronx.

And that was just me being nice.

[snorts, spits]

- Angel was right about one thing.

Bebe is about to become more famous than ever

now that she has stolen Angel's juicy role

as the lone survivor of a crazed killer.

As for Angel, well...

she's learned the difference between fame and infamy.

Life is such a bitch that way.

There's already a film about her in the works,

and rumor has it Natalie Portman is ready to kill for the part.

Perhaps she'll get another Oscar,

or maybe that honor will go to her makeup artist.

- ♪ my 15 minutes of fame ♪

♪ I want it, I want it ♪

♪ it's hard to hide when the paparazzi's following me ♪

♪ so I just smile with the cameras flashing ♪

♪ so I can't see ♪

♪ I want to shut down the stores ♪

♪ so I can shop all alone ♪

♪ put my name on some clothes that I can sell as my own ♪

♪ my 15 minutes of fame ♪

♪ I want it, I want it ♪

♪ my 15 minutes of fame ♪

♪ I want it, I want it ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

[electricity buzzes] - Kill, Lubu, kill.

Good, fish.