All language subtitles for Fantasmi a Roma (1961) EN

It is said that sleeping
takes time away from living.

I agree, but...

what can we do about it?

How does one stay awake 'til morning?

Another broken brick,
38 by now.

What to do? If I want to hide all the broken
bricks I should move all the furniture.

This one is so bad, look, look...

I can stumble here,
it's the size of a step.

I'll cover it... but there's
another one here.

What can I do?

Pasqualino, the time has come.
I have no choice.

Be patient, like me.
Let's do it this way...

Come, here.

Stay here, it's a better place.

Do you mind that I moved you?

No words when he was alive,
let alone now that he's dead.

Good night, Pasqualino.

Parrots are like kids,
they make noise...

And the parents are so excited:
"Come! Run!"

"He spoke! He said this!
He said that!"

What can he say? Nothing.

And the seller...
The seller, the seller!

He said: don Annibale, buy it!
It will be great company.

In the morning he says: good morning.

At night he greets you,
sings songs, recites poems.

Good God! In ten years
he only said "brrrr"!

Yes, he said it well but
it was just "brrrr"!

Sometimes I felt like
he was mocking me.

Who knows if it was true.

Mysteries of nature!

One day science
will explain everything.

A cat has got 7 souls,
a parrot many more...

Let's see what's in here.

Even the key hardly works.

"Blood on the pillow. "

I've already read it. Better.
It will put me to sleep sooner.

Mike Hammer...

Interrupting the passionate
kiss that almost

took the breath away
from the tarty blonde...

he slapped her and asked:

What does Bobo do in Malibu?

This is no way to behave.

First he kisses the blonde, then slaps her
and asks: What does Bobo do in Malibu?

A guy named Bobo,
and living in Malibu, of all places.

Every night this happens.

Then you complain about the electric bill.

Hi, Father Bartolomeo.

Hi Flora.

Stop it!

Are you going out?

Ah, no! Not tonight. .
Don't be crazy.

Bye!

Say it again.

I always say it, you know
that I love you. . Look.

No, stop it. People
are looking at us.

There's nobody.

What am I going to tell my mom?

She doesn't believe me
even when [ tell the truth.

Yes, you love me, but
you never talk about marriage.

Why not? Let's talk about it.

But just now?

We've got so much time!

They're all the same: today, yesterday...

Same as a hundred years ago.

Father Bartolomeo is right.
Flora is crazy.

Beautiful stranger!
You're charming!

Paolo, will you give me a hand?

Take care of it.

Ah, yes! - Women are just as
beautiful as in my times,

but the men... What trash!

I'll help you, my dear.

What are you thinking of, Paolo?
What are you doing?

I know what I'd do to you.

Shall we go to bed?

Yes, to bed! I told you a hundred times
not to touch the TV, goddamn it.

Poldino!

Poldino, still around?
Do you know what time it is?

- You always wreck everything.
- Who? Me? - No, me, Look!

Let's go home now.

- Did you do your homework?
- Yes.

I'll question you later.

- The capital of Afghanistan?
- Kabul.

- The capital of Madagascar?
- Tanararibe.

- Vietnam? - It didn't exist in my times,
but anyway, it's Saigon.

Well done. sailor. If you were an admiral
you would be already retired.

How boring that would be!

Father Bartolomeo is already asleep...

Now it's your turn to sleep.

Your prayer.

Hi.

Hi and bless you!

Love is like history. A few heroes
and a million of cowards.

Where did you read it?
On a chocolate wrapper?

No.

- Good morning, Carletta.
- Good morning, don Antonio.

Don Annibale, it's seven o'clock.

It's seven!

Seven,

I've been waking up at 7 for 65 years,
never a minute later.

Some people set the clock...

or they have to be called 3
or 4 times before they wake up.

Not me! At 7 o'clock, always...

summer, winter, sun,
rain, snow, storm...

And I open my eyes!
It's a sign of good health.

Tonight I slept so badly because
of that damned whistle.

What made you whistle
the whole night, non-stop?

- Mayl?
- Come in.

I don't get it, whistling at your age.
What manners!

- Who whistled?
- You!

I know why you do it:
to keep people awake.

You're a malicious race.
I know you!

Ah, dear Carletta!

- Good morning, don Annibale.
- Nobody makes coffee like you.

When I die, your coffee will make
come back to life like Lazarus.

Yes, 100 years from now.

Did your fiance write to you?

- No, not yesterday.
- Ah, what a pity!

He's not yet a general?

No, don't be kidding.

- But he wrote me he was going
to be made a corporal. - Wow!

In the end, all generals
are senile corporals.

If they hear what he says,
they'll arrest him,

Thanks dear, you can go.

Don't forget to call Augusto
for that crappy water boiler.

Of course, Prince.

What a nice girl!

I'm happy for Gino,
he's also a nice guy.

It feels like we had him baptised
yesterday. Time flies!

I know that!

Wife shoots husband three times.

Stabs his wife five times.

An only son blasts his own mother.

And they call my era the
century of the poisons.

What poisons? It was water and
sugar compared to nowadays.

In fact, I like this Khrushchev.

Sorry, a slip of the tongue.
It won't happen again.

When I came in, don Annibale was
thinking aloud.

He speaks to the walls.

Who else can he talk to?
He's so lonely.

That's what you think.

Damn it, you have
hands of butter.

No, it didn't break at all.

It fell on your foot.
You know,

when things fall down in a certain way,
they don't break. - If you say so...

Another one.
Now just 2 left.

Doorman! Good morning.
Mr. Augusto sent us.

Yes, I was just coming to you.
The Prince asked about you.

Who's she?

They're all in a hurry.
And the thought to fix that boiler again!

- Come on, let's go.
- Just think about your own job!

They are paid for this and still complain.
It's normal nowadays!

- Good morning Mr. Antonio.
- Hi Marisa,

- The bus was late again today, and I had
to wait over half an hour. - Yes, the bus!

Beautiful, beautiful! Divine!

May I, Prince?

We haven't started yet
and 1 feel so tired already.

Same for me. What did you
put inside the box?

What did I put?!
The usual stuff!

It weighs a ton. .

Hold it yourself,
I can't hold it anymore.

Ok. He even left the
key in the keyhole.

Knock again.

Can we come in? Prince!

Someone has already
read this newspaper.

I can tell from how it's folded.

You know that I want to be the first to
read the newspaper in the morning.

- It's mine!
- Can we?

1 buy it, with own my money.

Can we?

Fine, let's pretend nothing happened.

- You hear him? - Who's he talking to?
- No one. - He's mad then!

- No, he believes there's ghosts here,
so he talks to them. - So I said: he's mad.

Good morning Mr. Prince.

Oh, finally!

About time. Finally Mr. Augusto
decided to send you.

It's been two days without
washing. I'm so dirty.

How come this boiler crashes so often?

It's not me who breaks it.
I know who it must be!

Here we go, always blaming us.

Your place was not on that
plumber's box... Marilyn!

You like her?
Beautiful, huh?

Now that she's divorced, who knows?

There it is.

It doesn't work, it's broken.

God knows what's wrong with it.
The flame burns but it's weak.

- It draws back and turns off immediately.
- Let's have a look at it.

Give me the screwdriver,

Hey, you lost Marilyn!

- Stop joking and take it out.
- Maybe it fell down.

I guess the ghosts are breaking it for fun.
There's no other explanation.

Mr. Prince, he doesn't believe it.
He thinks I'm stupid.

- Tell him, please! Is it true that ghosts
exist? - These two are mocking him,

- Of course they exist. There are thousands
in Rome alone. - And where are they?

Everywhere, especially in
old houses like this one.

In the attics, in the closets,
I don't know.

Have you ever heard a closet creak?

People say: There's a woodworm inside.
Yeah, a woodworm!

There is a ghost in the closet!

I'll tell you this. The phone rings:

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Nobody answers. And you guess:
Someone called my wife,

heard my voice and then hanged up.

Come on! It was a ghost playing
around with phone numbers,

Wow! I didn't know it.

Tell me, do these ghosts make
themselves visible sometimes?

No. You can see them
only when you're dead...

or when your life is
in great danger.

Ah! That's why my aunt passing
near the train tracks

saw an ancient warrior who saved
her by pulling her hair.

You see? I have never seen
the ghosts in my house...

but I know them pretty well.

They're from the Roviano family,
and all died violent deaths...

Because if one dies in peace,
in his home, in his bed...

he can become
everything but a ghost.

Really? Do you know them?
What are they like?

First of all, there's the Friar.

Father Bartolomeo, the oldest
ghost. He died in 1650.

'531

Then it was he who put this boiler!

Tell me, Prince.
What did that Friar die from?

Meatballs. At night, in the cloister,
when everyone was asleep,

he'd go to the storeroom,
to see if there was anything to eat.

One night he found meatballs,
but they were poisoned.

The keeper had poisoned them
to kill the mice.

And to think that it was I who suggested
that the mice were emptying the storeroom.

Then there's Reginaldo the knight.
A handsome young man.

He's here since the end of '700.

He was a terrific womanizer.
No woman would be safe.

Who was he? Rodolfo Valentino?

It seems he had a fling
even with the janitor's wife,

Antonio's great-grandmother.
- Even with servants!

Don't be picky!

Every night, once here and once there,

while the men where asleep, he got in from
the balconies and entertained their wives.

- He was shot by an awakened husband?
- No! He fell down from a baker's balcony.

As he was fleeing, the rope broke up
and he fell 10 meters down.

- But it was worth it.
- Shame on you, sinner!

Why? Your meatballs are OK?

The shoe in the hall is his.
He lost it during the fall.

And there's morel!
There's donna Flora.

- Are there also female ghosts?
- And what a female!

- She was blond, beautiful.
- It's about me?

- It seems she was a bit dumb.
- Yes, it's about you.

She killed herself for love.
For a...

lackey, but her father
wouldn't even hear of him.

His name was Rutilio.

Your father was right.
What a name, Rutilio...

One day, the father talked
to the boy,

gave him money and sent him abroad.

The poor girl jumped in the river,
and not in August, but in February.

And from that day, every night at 8,

Donna Flora goes to the Cestio bridge...

and jumps into the river.
- How smart!

Tonight we'll go to the bridge, we'll
jump and save don Annibale's ancestor.

You want to make a fool of me, but you
are the fools, by not believing in ghosts.

Sometimes even I don't believe it.

When I eat peppers at night,
1 get a kind of itch...

It can happen, with peppers.

I can't digest them, but I love them.

Hey guys, stop talking, get to work.

We won't make it on time anyway. We'll see
tomorrow. We've another job this afternoon.

- Can't you finish it now?
- We ain't got the right tools.

We must also change a pipe.

- It's broken?
- No, it's worn-out.

And look, it's 11:00, in no time
it'll be 11:30, at 12 is lunch break.

- It's not worth it. We'll be back tomorrow.
- Yeah!

And "in no time"
the will to work fades away.

Don Annibale, don't worry, tomorrow
we'll come early and fix everything.

Maybe the Friar's ghost will help us.
What do you think?

Yeah, right.

What. . ? Are you crazy?

Don't blame me!

So now it turned on by itself!?

Lazybones! Do you believe now
that ghosts exist?

- Yeah, ghosts!
- Dry up. Serves you right!

Even the crazy shower!

How did it turn on? I can't explain.

Damn idlers!

Father Bartolomeo, Father Bartolomeo!
Tell me...

- Poldino, don't you greet your brother?
- Ah, yes! Hi Annibale!

What's the maximal common
denominator of 5/12, 3/24 and 2/6?

5/12, 3/24, and 2/6... it's 24.

Are you sure?

- Prince, we'll be back tomorrow.
- No, never! Out, you buffoons!

Go to...

The handkerchief. .

Where the hell did I put it?

There!

Ah!

- Sallustri.
- Yes madam.

- You're always the first to finish.
What's wrong? - I'm thinking.

The exercise is very easy.

If you solve it quickly
it will also count as an oral exam.

The maximal common denominator is 24.

So, write down 10/24, 3/24, 8/24.

Be careful not to mistake the
maximal common denominator...

with the minimal common multiple.

Tiziana!

See? She's already done.

- How can she get good grades
without studying? - Careful.

Sallustri, are you done?

- I think so, miss.
- You think so? You are done!

Well done, in less than 5 minutes.

- And she won't help us!
- Silence!

If you followed the classes like Sallustri,
we'd be 3 months ahead with the program.

Good afternoon, dear Adelaida.
How are you?

Eh, Don Annibale, 1 feel
like an old woman.

- All grandmothers wish to be like you.
- The granddaughter too is cute!

- She has your eyes.
- Thanks, Don Annibale. - Bye.

- Father Bartolomeo, number 24 was right.
- Fine.

Augusto!

Another stop. Feels like a Via Crucis.

- Mr. Augusto, it's the Prince.
- Augusto!

- It's 1pm, talk to him later. - No, now,
it's fun when he argues with Augusto.

Calm down!
What do you want?

You can't do your own job?

Well, you never had a job. What's up?

What's up?! I told you to send me two
workers, but you sent me two idlers.

You have to fix my water
boiler in person.

No, you're wrong. I came a month
ago and told you to throw it away.

If it breaks down after a month
it means it wasn't repaired well.

No, it means you must throw it away.

So that you sell me a new one
and get rich off me.

Prince, let's talk frankly.
I'm fed up with this.

I have already fixed it seven times,
it's over now! I won't come again.

So, who gives a damn!

I forbid you to come.
I'll fix the water boiler by myself...

As a plumber I'm 100 times
better than you are.

You're old, and you've become dumb.

I'm dumb now, but you always were.

Maybe because I beat
you so often as a kid.

Did you forget how many times you went
home with eyes swollen like melons?

- How much I beat you!
- How much I kicked you!

- And Poldino thrashed both of you!
- And I'd still beat you!

So it's clear, you won't enter
my house again.

- Who said I would?
- I'll fix it by myself,

- Better throw it away.
- I'll repair it.

- Throw it away!
- I'll repair it myself!

Throw it away!

Ah at last!

Excuse me miss, can I tell you something?
Come on, Tell the lady that I'm shy!

Is it possible that in Rome
you can't eat before 2pm?

- Are you renovating?
- We're putting neons.

Don't be so mean,
don't let me suffer...

How painful!

Am I bleeding?

- Good afternoon. How's your wife?
- So-so.

- And the kids? - Fine, thanks.
- I'm glad.

- Good afternoon, Prince.
- Good afternoon, dear... Hello.

Mrs Nella, the Prince is here.

Good morning, Don Annibale.
Hi, nella. All new!

- Did you notice? We're putting neons.
We must modernize. - Says who?

If something is old, leave it as is.

Because if you try to modernize,
you might not be liked.

What would you think if I got
a rockabilly haircut?

See? You'd be laughing.

I'll always be In love with you,
you know it.

He knows it, but let's eat now.

That's why I come here,

Not for the good food, but because
the hostess is in love with me.

Oh, fine! Let's just talk.

Well, look, I must
confess you something...

when I was a little girl, and I saw
you get on your carriage...

They think I'm stupid.

- What's up, Fricand?
- What do they care

if I already cooked 10 kg of stew?
- 10 kg of stew!? Where are they?

One wants the steak,
the other wants loin, or baked meat,

but not the stew!

Cursed be the priests!

Fine, make it a steak.
They do it on purpose.

- Insipid. - If someone asks for stew,
I bet they say we don't have it.

Hey!
What are you doing?

No, it's fine!

Fricand, another steak.

- Up yours!
- Stop! You want to go to jail?

- Mind your own business.
- What's in here?

Meatballs!
My God!

- And you never noticed me.
- Of course, you were eleven.

Here I am!

I'm the queen, saint and popess,
the throne is mine,

give it back, or I'll send
all of you to the caverns.

- All of you! Your queen says so.
- Here, queen,

Italians, thieves, filthy pigs, all
of them scoundrels.

- Idlers, tramps, and all good for nothing.
- Thanks, queen.

I'm going to bury
you all in the sewers.

Ah, her majesty is here!

Queen, didn't you write to America today?

The queen wrote, and they
answered with a telegram.

They'll come Saturday
to put me back on the throne.

And first, I'll burn down the Capitol,
I'll close

the ministries and reopen the brothels.
Watch out.

Good afternoon, queen.

All in the sewers, like rats...

All except one.

How beautiful she was!

They were all hitting on her,
and me too...

but there was nothing to do,
she rejected all of us.

Then she married a scoundrel and...

I'm making a list, the list of the queen!

My mother was a whore, and we're...

We're all brothers!

Poor woman.

What's good today?

Would you like some spaghetti?

Something light today.

- Take the soup. - Some rice?
- The soup, take my advice!

- No, no rice either.
Perhaps some broth, - And next?

- Did Fricando make stew?
- Yes, with peppers. You want it?

- Then, stew with peppers.
- And he wanted something light!

Taste it. It's a new wine.

The old one was better.

Nella, I changed my mind...

I'd like soup instead.
Do you have any?

- Of course.
- Then bring me the soup.

Bravo! Good choice. It was just a bit
insipid, but now it's delicious.

Stew with peppers!
Only princes know how to eat!

You like it?

She was the great-grandmother
of Mr. Antonio.

When we met on the stairs
she always blushed.

One day, her husband had some things to do,
and she was here all alone.

So I came in, closed the door and she said:
What are you doing sir?

I rushed forward, stripped the...

My apologies.
1 recall my sins only to punish myself.

Dear... Gino...

What a deep thought! Dear Gino!

How are you? I love you so much.
1 send you a million kisses...

She thinks and writes the same things.

1 send you a thousand kisses.

Ah, a thousand!
Isn't that still too many?

Don't send him anything,
I'm here right now.

- Carletta!
- Yes Mr. Prince. - Where's Antonio?

- He's taking a nap. Shall I call him?
- No, leave him alone.

- Do you know where he keeps the wrench?
- No, but his tools are in there. Let me see.

- You're always therel
- Yes sir!

1 help her write her letters.

Take it, Prince. If you need anything...

No, thanks. This is all.

Ah, listen! That guy came over...

The engineer!

That engineer from last
week, about the house.

Again? But this is
a veritable persecution!

He wanted to wait for you
but I told him you'd be late.

Good! Always tell him
that I'm not home.

In my times, engineers didn't
have all this time to waste.

It's true.

You're a bit retarded.
You couldn't even remember 'engineer'!

Now I want to see if you
write 'kiss' with a 'c'.

Here, I knew it.

Fortunately, Gino is dumber than you...

so he won't notice.

Every morning Mr. Antonio
had to fight him

to make him go to school.

- Hi Carletta.
- Hi Marisa.

I'm late because there was boy
following me all the way from home.

- But now he's gone. - What did he say?
- Nothing, not a word.

- Hello. - Good morning. - Can you tell
the prince that I want to speak to him?

Ah! This bore again.

- Well?
- I don't know if he's back.

He is. I saw him come in from my car,
while waiting for him.

Yes, it's true, he's back.
But he must be resting.

The prince doesn't rest in the afternoon.
You know this better than me.

- Call him.
- He wears a wedding ring?

Even scoundrels can find a wife nowadays.
He's a cuckold for sure!

Be careful, it hurts.

Yes, I noticed that.

- What's up?
- It's the engineer...

I'm not here, I'm out! I'm dead!

Wait a moment.
Let me talk to the corpse.

Hello, Prince, it's the engineer...

Well done, don Annibale!

- I have a new offer for you. This time...
- It's no use, I told you!

Listen, let me come up.

Fine, come.

Thanks, Prince.

Damn it!

Would you be sad if the
Prince sold the house?

Of course! Gino told me that we'd
live here after getting married.

You will, for sure,

His family has been here for 200 years.

I know! I'm half related to Antonio's
great-grandmother... The engineer!

What a pain in the neck!

He has nothing better to do than
coming here to bother me.

You tore another feather from Pasqualino.
You'll pluck the poor parrot bare!

- Mayl?
- Come in.

- Good morning, Prince.
- Greetings.

What are you doing, engineer?

Calm. Stay calm,
no need to hurry.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

It's been one of those days...
It's true that certain days are cursed.

- Yes, right. Sit down.
- Thanks.

- Excuse me, I have to be cautious today.
- And try to be brief.

It depends on you. You sign here, take
this check, and we're done in 5 minutes.

Well, I won't sign it, won't take the check,
and so we're done right now.

It seems clear.

Excuse me if I insist, but think it over.

Unlike other noblemen,

you can sell your palace because
it's not a national monument.

- Go away, you nuisance! - The sum that
we offer is more than twice its real value.

How could you know how much
1 value my own house?

Think it over, we're talking about millions,
and this is just an advance of 50.

Feel how heavy it is.

Yes, but I'm old now,
and I can't lift weights anymore.

Think how many things you
can do with 200 millions.

200 millons!

- Maybe this time he'll accept!?
- You don't know him then! - Wow!

Never seen so much money!

These are 50, right?

- Yes, and then you would give me
150 more, - Obviously.

You know what I would do
with all this money?

I'd buy a palace like this one.
It would cost me 200 millions...

and I'd be pennyless in no time.

Just as I am now.

But Prince, you live alone,
you could buy a smaller house!

So now that I'm broke
I live in a big house...

but as a millionaire I'd have
to live in a small house!

Look, forget about it.
An now I've got something to do.

I must repair my water boiler.

The wind! Prince!

The check!
Close the window, quick!

Close it yourself!
He dares giving orders to the Prince!

But it's a 50-million check!

Paid to the bearer!

Try harder!

Here, look!

Do something!

What should I do?

You picked it up, finally.

See, millions aren't
that heavy after all.

And if I convince the company
to raise the offer?

Convince them to leave me alone.
Best wishes.

My best.

Again...

Stop!

Mr. Prince...

I'm sorry.

Why do they always have to put doorknobs
at pocket level?

Damn it!

Curse!

Bah! He even has sweaty hands.

He thinks I'm mad,
but I'm not.

Pasqualino, what's happening to you?

You look featherless everyday.

Your used to have a beautiful tail.
You've lost weight.

Are you in love, Pasqualino?

People think I'm mad.

If sane people live in
24 floors buildings...

if they get killed in car crashes,
have heart attacks at 35...

Then I'm mad.
Three times mad.

You are, a bit.

So? Did you win?

Instead of 7, 12 and 28
it came out 7, 13 and 38.

That's for listening to the Friar.

You've been dreaming him for 20 years,
and his numbers never came up.

1000 lire wasted!

Next Saturday we'll just spend it.
And forget the Friar!

You always say that,
and instead...

Well! Number 7 was right!

I missed only two numbers.

But this time he was close.

Yes, right, he was close!
Come on, let's go!

Number 28 was correct.

It hadn't come out in over ten years.

There he is! The water boiler...
He's so stubborn.

Look what a prince must do...

He pretended it was too difficult!
It took me just 10 minutes to fix it.

- As if you needed a degree to tighten up
some screws. - What are you doing?

Idiot!

What are you doing? Careful!

Poor don Annibale...

He didn't want don Antonio to do it.

How could he fix the water boiler
all by himself?

Did he get burned?

No, he was lying on the floor.

He looked fine.
As if he had fainted.

Who could have thought? This is
how I found him when I got home.

What did the doctor say?

The heart.

It's my fault, my fault.

It's nobody's fault, it was
just an accident.

1 should have come to fix
the water boiler...

We always quarrelled,
but it was just banter.

He used to say: When I die,
bring me some coffee

and I'll come back to life
like Lazarus.

Why do people cry
when one is dying?

I don't get it.

They believe only in life, and
think they're better than us.

Just like me. Him with the water boiler,
and me with the firecracker.

I'm happy, I left him
when he was five.

Look, he saw you. He recognized you.

Poldino...

Annibale!

Before he died he said: Poldino.

I'm here!
Obey to your queen...

if not I'll put you all
in the sewers like rats.

Only one was a decent man.
He wasn't disgusting as you are.

And now that he's gone
1 can't trust anyone.

Hear the drums of
the royal guards!

I'm the queen!
I'm coming.

Eh, filthy pigs, cowards, nobodies!

No, I want to go see Pulcinella.

Stop it, Giancarlo!

Stop it, Giancarlo!

Sunday we'll go to the beach.
1 know a place where the food is heavenly.

Yeah, right, it's food you're after...
No, no beach.

Yes, let's go to the beach. We'll have fun.

The police, the police!

Police, guys!

- Hey, youl!
- Who is it?

Ah, you're one of us! Hi!

- Leave her alone!
- Why? What will you do?

- You leave her alone!
- What do you care? - She's my niece.

If it's true, I'm sorry...
I'll comply.

I remind you that he'll take her to the
beach tomorrow... so don't blame me.

- Is he there?
- 1 think so.

- Didn't he stop you last night?
- No way.

- Then he's dumb.
- No, he's shy.

He waits, hiding in a corner,
then he follows me as soon as I go out.

- And you? - I pretend I don't see him.
I walk slower and slower.

- And he catches up with you?
- No, he slows down, too.

Then he must be a policeman,
not an admirer...

One moment, I'll see
if anyone is there.

Good evening, I'm
Federico di Roviano.

Ah, good evening, Prince! I almost didn't
recognize you. It's been so many years!

Dear Antonio, how are you? - Fine, thanks.
I didn't expect you so early.

- The lawyer said you'd be coming
next week. - Yes, it's true.

- Lovely! Is she your daughter?
- No, an employee.

- Is the door open upstairs?
- I'll get the key. - Fredy! - Yes my dear.

T was just going to call you.
Let's go upstairs! Antonio!

- Coming!
- This way, please.

- So this is the famous palace.
- Yes, do you like it?

- Who's he? A relative of don Annibale?
- Yes, his nephew.

He hasn't shown up in 15 years and now he
reappears only because of the inheritance.

- Did you see? They're not married.
- Sharp eyes!

Well, it's the first thing
I look at.

Doesn't this spinet work?

- It's over 50 years...
- Really?

The library is this way.

Fredy...

Excuse me, Eileen.

I'm so sorry I couldn't see
uncle Annibale before he died.

You thought of it too late.

Do you remember when you got
locked in the attic with the suitcases

and aunt Annalisa missed her train?
- Certainly, you locked me in!

I don't know to explain it,
but it's always odd

to come back to a place where one
has lived in the past. It's bizarre.

Oh, poor Pasqualino!
He's dead...

Well, he was close to 100
years old when I was a kid.

Lately, this was don Annibale's
favorite armchair.

He sat there for hours,
looking out the window.

- What was he looking at? It's walled in.
- I don't know, he just looked.

Why did he keep all this
worm-eaten furniture?

- They're antiques, darling. - Exactly.
Old stuff you throw it away, right?

- And what's this?
- The papal chair.

- What?
- The Pope's chair. .

It is a special chair reserved to pontiffs
whenever they paid a visit to our family.

It must have been
there for a long time!

More than three centuries.

When I was a child, they slapped
me for hiding behind it!

They never even dusted it not to ruin it.

Well, that shows...

Antonio, our baggage is
in madam's car. Bring it up, please.

- You're staying here?
- Yes, why?

No, no, nothing. I'll go now.

- Where's the phone?
- There, on the desk.

Thanks.

Antonio, what's up?
Did you buy a car?

I called you as soon as
1 arrived, engineer.

Yes, as you like.
If not I can come see you.

- As you wish, thanks.
- Reginaldo!

Yes, any time, I will be
at the City Song all night.

Very well. Perfect.

Looks like him!

See you later, engineer.

They look so much alike!

- Federico!
- Eileen!

Eileen? Do you think it's an
apt name for a Cardinal?

What are you wearing?
Take off those clothes!

Don't you like it? It'd be great if you
could take a picture.

Red cardinal overcoat
over black lingerie.

You think it's amusing?

You're so hare-brained!
This is not a fashion show

nor one of those ratholes
you used to live in.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. Sorry, but don't touch
things that aren't yours.

Ah! Now that you're rich
you start noticing what's yours

and what's mine.
You weren't so haughty before!

What are you talking about!

The fact is that some
things deserve respect.

Besides, I haven't got any money yet.
But I'll get it soon.

- I already have an appointment to sign.
- Sign what?

I don't want to end like my uncle.
Poor dreamer!

He was so attached to all this.

He's starved his entire life
for not selling.

Thank God your uncle was so dumb.

They had made him an offer
of 160 millions.

And with a single phone call I managed
to set the price at 180.

They cheated you, 'cause they were
going to give 200 to your uncle.

But they must be crazy to spend so
much money for this rattrap!?

No, they have a big project.
They want to build a 20-story supermarket.

The biggest in Europe.
They already have the building permits.

They only need a
permit to tear down the building.

What's up?

I put the baggage over there.
1 also brought the key.

Well done, Antonio.
We'll be out until late every night.

Do you need a huge key like
that to open the front door?

No, it's for tearing it down.

Ah! If any pontiffs come to see Federico
while we are out, make them wait.

Selling the house! Easy for him to say!
What about us?

- Maybe Poldino misunderstood him.
- I understood perfectly...

It bothers you 'cause I said
that you two look alike.

You are dead ringers, only
he's wearing both shoes.

Watch out, one shoe is plenty.
Be respectful!

Stop it, you two!

What's wrong? Why are you crying?

Well, I just didn't have
anything else to do.

We need to do something,
we need to act now.

Where has he got that meeting?

- At City Song.
- And what's that? - Dunno.

Well, I think we should
pay a visit to this City Song.

Yes, let's go! It's been so long since
we last went out at night all together.

Listen, Poldino, this woman,
Federico's fiancée: what is she like?

Well... she's your type.

I got it. Let's go!

- Yes, let's hurry.
- You woke up, after all!

- Where are you going?
- I'm coming with you.

Forget it. Kids must hang out with kids.

And you with little girls.

No arguments. Children your age
must not go out at night. Alright?

Unbelievable. My younger brother
died at the age of 65

and you still treat me as a baby.

Yes, let him come.
For once!

- 0K, let's go.
- Let's go.

When are you going to stop
jumping in the river every night?

Good night, gentlemen.

- Good evening madam.
- Good evening.

Welcome to City Song.

Good evening, sir.

- Alberto, please, could you park the car?
- Did you leave the keys? I'll do it.

Put it over there, please.

- Thank you.
- Enjoy yourself.

Behind that car over there.

This is Federico's fiancée.

- What a chick!
- What sort of place is this?

A place where priests usually
do not come. Nor touch anything...

You see? You brought Poldino here:
"Let's take him for once!"

Ah, yes! Now it's my fault.

Same as last year when we
went to the theater.

Anna Fuget was acting. It was
1920 and she calls it last year.

Come here, Poldino, wait.

This child!

There's atmosphere tonight.

Mike's here, too.

You stay here, by the wardrobe.

- Like an umbrella? - Like an umbrella!
- I'll also stay here at the wardrobe.

- My ears are whistling. Give me a number.
- Seven.

The G! They are speaking of
me, Gianni or Giulliana.

Better Gianni, or not?

- Hey, we're not here to amuse ourselves!
- Yes, got it. Let's go in.

The music puts me in a cheerful mood...
I grant you this dance.

You go and look that way.

Oh, beautiful stranger!

Pizzaiola!

Too much oregano.

They drug themselves with oregano.

You are so adorable that...

I'd like to make you one
of those declarations...

that are out of fashion these days.

I'd like to be the sun during daytime,
caressing your forehead...

Kissing your mouth,
running down your neck.

At night I'd like to be the moon
that wraps you in her silver cloak.

Hey! Did you forget why we're here?!

Why are you so nervous?
Relax, have some fun.

That lies into your candid bed

and sinks in your hair,
scattered on the pillow.

Oh, divine creature!

- Are you done, or not?
- Wait a moment!

Saint Margarita! Oh, heaven!

But... what?

He's a man! And I kissed him!

This way you'll learn not to kiss
the first one that comes along.

I've always relied on appearances, but
Nowadays you need to check an ID first.

The world is upside down!

Father Bartolomeo, he's here.

Let's go, Flora found
your unworthy descendant.

That is all. You see, it only
took a few minutes.

- What did they do?
- Nothing, Federico signed a few papers.

You wretched woman! And you let him?
Don't you know what those papers mean?

That this beast sold the house
and we'll sleep under a bridge!

Turn around!

- Miss, to your health!
- Cheers.

- Prince...
- Cheers.

And you think he looks like me?!

Yes, but he's nicer looking.
More manly.

If in the Roviano
family there was a man...

Don't worry, sir.

He's weak, has a convict's hairdo
and unexpressive eyes.

Also listen to his speech!
"Don't worry, sir. "

I'll kick anyone who dares to say that
he looks like me, and with my right foot!

And so, tomorrow at twelve o'clock
we'll meet to get the demolition permit.

- Please, be punctual.
- Of course.

Federico has no knack for punctuality,
but I'm sure that he won't make you wait.

- Waiter! - No, I'll get that.
- You made it, huh, you damn leech!

Let's go then.

Wait a moment. I need a word with
the manager. Work-related.

This work of yours!
Come on, hurry.

I don't like it either but soon
I won't need to work. Right, darling?

I don't have my wallet.
Do you mind paying?

What a disgusting prince.
That's why we are a Republic now.

A kept man!

Why didn't we meet earlier?

Your Federico and I don't
resemble at all...

although I admit that we have
the same tastes.

Hey! You wouldn't happen to be a trickster
like that disgusting singer?

By looking, I wouldn't say so...
At least...

Hey, Eileen!

Hello, manager...

No tricks here!

Poldino, poor boy.

So, starting Monday
we'll have the honor of...

Yes, but I must tell you
that I don't like the posters.

Very well, we'll change it.
Provided that you...

- What do you mean?
- It seems obvious.

- You lost some weight.
- You're a pig.

You put on airs when
you're not supine, eh?

In my times you would have
been killed for this.

See you on Monday then.

Bye.

What if we face other problems?

It's possible, but we have
the means to solve anything.

- Don't worry.
- Let's hope so.

- Prince, see you to tomorrow.
- See you then,

- Take this.
- Thank you, sir.

Good night and greetings
to the lady... your ladyfriend.

I'll greet her for you.

I am glad to have finally met a Roviano
who has a head on his shoulders.

I don't believe that my uncle would
have the same opinion about me.

May his soul rest in peace.

Let's think about who's left.
"The dead don't come back!"

- That's what you think.
- My hat!

Damn it!

The exam is very hard,
especially the theory.

Try again, I'll ask you more questions.

This one.

- End of no-passing zone for
all vehicles and buses. - Good.

What about this?

Alternate one-way traffic.

And now tell me
about the overtaking.

The overtaking is always done on
the left side of the preceding vehicle.

Yes, on the left side of the
preceding vehicles...

except for vehicles riding on rails.

It's good that you became a nun.
Men aren't worth much nowadays.

Who must give precedence to
left-turning vehicles?

What?

Are you done with the clown act?

No, after the what happened yesterday,
1 needed a breath of purity.

We're loosing our home
and you waste time

with the nuns, who live in
the best villas of Rome.

Exactly. Don't you think
1 should be settling here?

Let's go. We gotta watch Federico.

The appointment at town hall is at noon.
We have enough time.

Then you add a small
glass of white wine...

White wine!

- You cover it and simmer.
- And the onions? Don't forget the onions!

- Let me say goodbye to the nuns.
- Leave them alone, come on.

Think of those who want to throw us out!

- You can't treat me like Poldino!
- Poldino is more responsible than you!

- Tonight I spoke to Pellegrino Rossi.
- Who is he?

Who is he!? The lawyer of
Pope Pius IX, a big shot.

He told me that the permits to build
this sort of marketplace cannot be given.

Here is the rascal.
How cute!

He lets himself be fooled by that b...

who pushes him to sell.
- Federico? - Yes?

- The money!
- Ah, thanks!

Don't forget to fill the tank.

- That lowlife has already signed.
- So what?

When they realize they can't get
the permits they'll call off the deal.

Pellegrino Rossi spoke clearly.
He consulted his law codes and said:

They can't grant the permits.
It's illegal.

- Bye, bye!
- Bye!

Bye! "Bye", he says...

We are talking about the biggest
supermarket in Europe.

With terraces, a heliport,
restaurants and parking lots.

The garage alone should
convince you to grant the permits.

Look well into the garage, open it.

Yes, no doubt.
But I can't authorize an initiative...

But try to open the garage. Try it!

1 already told you that it would
be impossible for me to...

But sir, what does an old shack matter
compared to what we want to achieve?

If you think of the garage alone...

I'm sorry but the law and
my conscience forbid me to grant

an authorization that would provoke
irreparable damages.

Look at the garage. Open it!

1 already said that I absolutely can't...

Your honour, we all know that nothing
can be created or destroyed.

But you also need to destroy
if you want to create.

Maybe in chemistry,
but not in architecture.

Your excellency, at least let me
show you this extraordinary garage.

I've already seen it. But it's not
a matter of garage capacity...

So, please don't insist on a request
that I wouldn't hesitate to call a...

But, your excellency, open the garage.

I've already told you that I cannot...

Very well. The city of Rome
needs bigger and bigger garages

for a country that gets
more beautiful every day.

- Bartolomeo...
- Eh?

What about the law codes?

Send my greetings to Pellegrino Rossi.

Do you hear me, love?

Yes, I hear you.

What's up, lovely?

Are you alone?

- Not, I'm not alone.
- Oh God, he saw us!

- If you knew with whom I am. Can't you
guess? - Maybe he's having a stroke!

God forbid!

In company of my dearest friends,

the most valuable and
most faithful ones.

- Pasqualino, we're rich!
- For what he cares!

You fool! Where would you go
if you became a ghost? To a hostel?

Spineless, clumsy,
and even old.

Look who's talking.
You turned 170 years old the other day!

Yes, but I will always look 31, my dear.

Look at him,

At this same desk, his uncle turned down
200 millions without blinking.

Instead, he lost his head
for a crummy advance.

Sing, sing, you scoundrel!

We have to understand him.
He is so young.

How beautiful is the age of youth

that flies so fast.

Federico, how many
friends are there?

- Do you hear me?
- What is it?

I asked you how many friends there are.

5 millions, at the moment.

Oh, my love! I'm so happy...
for you!

You are more deceitful than...
than a woman.

If you weren't naked, I'd be disgusted.

Now you are a real prince!

Freddy, you know what?
I'll call the club,

I'll void the contract and pay the penalty.

- From now on, I'll strip only for you.
- And for me.

I've always thought that if
we had a lot money...

We still don't have a lot of money.

- But we will have it.
- What times! - Ah, yes!

Degenerates!

Just think, we could have
a nice house only for us.

This one is not a man.

...with a chimney, three bathrooms
and a boiler that works!

But before, I'd like to make
a nice trip with you.

We might even go to England,
so I can introduce you to my family.

We'll show up with
a beautiful white Mercedes.

Ah! You've chosen the color, even.

- Certainly, she's a smart girl!
- Don't you get involved!

I was just thinking aloud, but naturally
it will be your decision, my dear.

What's important is to always be together

and wake up every morning
next to each other.

I'll tidy up your things, and at night
it will be me waiting for you to come back.

Wouldn't it be beautiful?
Wouldn't you like it?

Don't you see that she's pretending?

Lilly!

Fredy, Lilly, Eileen!... What names!

I'm happy I wasn't born
in this century.

Lilly, can I come in?

No, it's better if you don't.

I wouldn't be able to say such things
while looking at you.

Only if I don't see you
I can tell you all this.

Of course, otherwise you'd
burst out laughing.

Who knows if I was so naive too!

- Don't worry, we never broke anything.
- I hope so.

- Miss, is there anything else? - Not for
today. You can take the rest tomorrow.

Let's go.

- Well then? - No, I won't go.
He was excommunicated.

It's insane! There's who can save us
and he quibbles on excommunication,

Gently, I beg you.

She was so sweet.

And what about that poor child?

Kicked out of his brother's house,

from which he was already torn
at an early age.

And that now he has to abandon forever.

Don't be a smart ass.
I told you I can't and I won't,

He's a heretic and a blasphemer.
I can't.

- Come on, Bartolomeo.
- I told you I won't go!

- We'll go with the truck.
- Forget the truck. I won't come.

1 said no.

Damn it, these old
armchairs are too heavy!

As if they were filled with dead bodies.

Let's go.

- I won't meet that unbeliever!
- Can I come along?

It's not for children.
Stay here!

- So you're going with women.
- You see your example?

Nunzia, come on, keep going.

Do you see that? A sea of cement!

I'd rather be a friar than live in one of
these modern buildings. No of fence to you.

Here it is.

Bartolomeo, are you sure he's around here?

Who knows? That's what I heard.

Hey, you two down there!
Who are you?

What do you want?

We're looking for Giovanni
Battista Villari, aka Caparra.

It's me, Caparra!

Speak, tell me what you want,
but send away that friar.

I knew it!
That's why I didn't want to come.

Excuse us, but we both
want to talk to you.

Don't scream! I can hear you.

Good morning, Caparra.

Tell him that I can't stand preaching.

That's not what I'm here for.
Anyway, do you remember me?

You came to fresco the cloister.

Damned cloister.
I broke a foot there, by God.

What's the need to be blasphemous?
I told you, that's how he is.

So, what made the pious priest
come into the devil's lair?

They want to destroy our house.
Only you can help us.

Me?

What's so funny about this!?
I don't get it.

And you come to me?!
You must be joking.

Do you know how many times
I've been evicted?

After 1 died, of course.
No one dared when 1 was alive.

I was in a palace near Monte Cavallo
and Pope Sixtus V had it destroyed.

Then came the governor of
Bonaparte and I moved again.

At Porta Pia I lost my house
because of the Piedmontese.

I went to Borgo district, but the fascists
tore it down to build an avenue.

What. . ?

Then I decided to
move to the countryside.

Only a few years ago
this was sheep-grazing land.

Look what it has been turned into!

And six months from now
my old tower will be gone.

Because it's considered a
crumbling ruin, as they say.

With no historical value.
And once again I will take it in my...

Don't they ever scold him?

They must have given up on him.

Listen, if you help us,
you can live with us.

- With you? No, I don't like the idea.
- A moment... - Hands down!

It's a quiet place, in the old Rome,
just the way you like it.

- Are there children?
- No, absolute peace.

- Fine, friar, what's it about?
- It's very simple. Our place...

Hey! It's not a cloister, eh?

Do you think I would stay there?!

Look with what sort
of people I have to live!

You know darling, all night long I haven't
been able to take my eyes off that portrait.

It scares me. Who's he?
One of your ancestor?

Yes, Bonifacio of Roviano.
A pious man,

He even founded an institute
for the deaf-mutes.

It was him who had the palace renovated.
Poor man, if he only knew...

He would understand.

He looks like a good and
intelligent man.

- And how many rings he has!
- Yes,

Who knows where they are now.

The last family jewel was an earring

that I found in a secret drawer
when I was 13.

1 was a little rascal at that age!

I sold it for 400 lira, imagine!

Who knows how much it was worth!

No, it had rather an historical value.

Napoleon III had fallen in
love with my grandmother.

He gave her the earring, inviting her
to Paris if she wanted to have the other.

Did she go?

Well, they say...
Excuse me, do you mind?

They say that she was a
highly virtuous woman...

1 kept looking for the other
earring for many more months.

Glory of Venus coming out
from the froth of the seal

Mermen, satyrs, warriors, Amazons!

By God, that's what I want to paint!

- Well, perhaps something quicker...
- Yes, we don't have much time.

One day Chiericotto challenged me:

The one who took more time to make
4 frescoes, would have to hang himself.

- I won with a lead of 12 hours.
- And Chiericotto hung himself?

No, I spared him. And I did wrong,
because he was an awful painter.

This is the woman I need!
The Venus that I've always dreamed of!

Not the usual busty vixen.

- Don't, there's a child!
- Too bad for him. You said there weren't,

- I want her. And I want her naked.
- No, not her. She would take notice.

Who knows how many Rovianos
have slept in this bed?

None of them with a woman like you!

That's what you think!
1 did bring a few women here...

- Who's that clown?
- A great-grandson, quite dumb.

Look, there's Flora. Why don't you
undress her? She'd make a fine Venus.

- Me? Venus?
- Who? That one?

Why? What's wrong with me?
You'd wish!

- She's not good, eh?
- What?! If anything, I don't want to!

- Hands off, you big ape!
- She's not enough 16th century.

Of course, I'm from the 19th.

Shut up, dimwit. She looks like one,
even though she was bom in the 1900s.

See? Even as a model,
you're worth nothing.

No good: this blondish
hair, plain-looking...

Conventional. Don't you see?
You have big boobs...

Venus is fire in a pillar of ice.
The fire burns but the ice doesn't melt.

- Get undressed.
- Can't she remain dressed?

A dressed Venus is like a maid.
Go on!

- Couldn't you paint a sacred theme?
- I never painted sacred themes.

For a Virgin with crooked neck,
call that pharisaic Guido Reni.

1 told you to undress!

He's got no shame. Come Poldino,
let's go get some turpentine.

Ave Maria, full of grace...

Father, come back soon.
I need you, too.

Damn, there isn't a single free wall, here.

She would be a great Venus for sure.

Freddy.
Turn off the light.

Yes, good night!
What about me?!

Freddy, don't turn it off.
I'll kill you if you do.

Let's keep it on.
You're so beautiful, I want to look at you.

Don't you know me already?

Well, you're not bad!

Did you just realize that?

Nowadays, strippers undress this way,
to the sound of music.

I used to undress women
to the sound of slaps!

Well, different times, different methods.

Slaps, slaps!

This is a false ceiling.
What's above it?

I don't know.
It's been like that for a long time.

Flora's father built a partition
because the room was cold.

An attic?
Perfect, I'll paint the fresco up there.

- But then nobody will see it.
- Says who? Look.

It's canvas.
Just a filthy canvas.

Damn, everything
is falling apart in here.

- Must be the mice.
- Rats?

Yes, they've started the works, so...

- Hey! - What? - Why so carefully?
I don't understand.

They have to tear it down, after all.
Why not some dynamite?

I'll push down that guy!

Cool it! However, if the fresco
isn't done soon, we'll be in trouble.

Watch out! You almost hit me!

And then, these guys work like madmen.

- Are you dumb or what?
- What's going on?

Help, help!
Damned...

- Who are you?
- One more curse and I'll drop you.

Virgin Mary! If it wasn't for
the friar, I'd be dead now.

What? Which friar?

Of course he fell.
He's drunk at early morning!

It was better not to save him.

They'd have stopped the works
and we'd have more time.

- Human life is sacred!
- Ah yes...

There you go!

Watch out!
It's falling down.

What are you doing?
Are you trying to get us killed?

- You didn't tie it well!
- But it took me an hour to tie it up.

What's with this morning!?

Let's see if Caparra is done.
Perhaps you'll have to pose again.

I didn't want to, but he
was swearing like a sailor.

Damn! Even nails, in this rotten wall!

The wall of the fresco has
to be very dry...

Thoroughly smooth,
and with no roughness whatsoever...

Hence it must be covered by lime,
preferably greasy,

on which the painter will apply
the colors for his fresco.

So used to say the Cavalier Arpino,
my revered mentor.

Yeah, we're all good at words,
right Sir Arpino?

But when the artist must paint
a fresco on a wall that

looks like it's made
of clumps of plaster...

without an ounce of lime,
either light or greasy...

That's a very different thing.
Right, Sir Arpino?

You pompous ass.
Where could he be now?

Yes, fine, okay. I know,
he's up there with you.

He's not a renegade like me,
burned at the stake.

Cheers to him!
Have a good stay.

Look how funny is father Bartolomeo
dressed as a woman!

Shut up, you! It's Jupiter disguised
as a laundress in order to seduce Venus.

And doesn't Venus realize that
the laundress is a man?

She doesn't, because Venus is dumb.

That's why you took Flora as a model.

- Did you see yourself? You look horrible.
- What did you expect?

I'd like to see you dressed as a woman.

- Are you done? The workers are...
- I don't give a damn!

- The signature is mine, not yours.
- Just be quick. - I've finished!

Yes! And by Jove,
if this isn't a masterpiece...

- Not bad at all. You're good.
- I know, you don't need to tell me.

- Don't touch, it's fresh.
- Fresh?

It's a fresco by Caparra,
painted 350 years ago.

- And that would be me!? - Look,
if anyone should complain, that's Venus.

You're so rude.

- Did you go to the river yesterday?
- No, he made me stay here all night long.

Anyway, I don't like at all that nose.
How are you shaped? You're malformed!

Forget the nose, we've no time.
We need that someone sees the fresco!

No sweat, it's just a few reeds and canvas
eaten by worms, worse than us. Look.

What is it?
Who is it up there?

- What is it?
- The roof is falling down!

Look!

If we don't get out of here,
the roof will cave in on our heads.

1 said look at it!

- What's that? A painting?
- No, it's a fresco. Never seen it before,

Of course, the roof covered it.
It must be very old.

If it's by a famous painter
it must be worth a fortune, right?

Yeah, a fortune. But for whom?

What? Sorry, but I can't hear you.
"Romiano” as in "Rome"? No?

- Roviano?
- Why so loud?

I can't hear a thing, it's like a voice
from beyond the grave. Hello?

HELLO!

Piazza della Pace, 12.
Roviano palace.

Yes! An authentic Caparra
has been found today.

Send a reporter as soon as possible.

- A photographer.
- And also a photographer!

Thanks!

Ah, finally! It's so hard to be heard!

- What do you expect? You're a ghost.
Now "Il Messaggero". - Already done.

- "Paese Sera", then. - Ah, yes!
They love to meddle in these things.

4,5..

Then we call the Roman Observer.
I've got a friend there.

HELOOOOO!
"PAESE SERA"?

This is no good.

1 keep feeling stabbing pains today.

- It must be the humidity.
- Ah, yes!

I'd like to know what
this idiot is examining.

1 even know him.

It's the same ass who attributed to me
a worthless daub by Caravaggio in Dresden.

- Damn it! Why did you call the press?
- I didn't call anybody!

They had a dream, then. They'll be all
against us, especially the leftist press.

But you already have the official permits.

Dear lady, if it's a Caparra,
the permits won't suffice.

- Let's wait for the expert's report.
- I'll deal with him privately.

You keep the others out of here.

They've gone mad!
With all the works of art that are in Rome,

why such fuss for a fresco of this Caparra?

- Well, he was a 17th century master!
- Thank you, good man.

Well, professor?

Only the eyes of an amateur
can erroneously attribute this fresco

to the brush of Caparra.

What's he saying, this fag?

Just look.
Look at that Venus for instance.

No. Heavens no.
A Venus that's not feminine.

- Rather a Venus of the church.
- With a model like this!

What had this Venus that I haven't?

In more, nothing. In better... everything.

So, professor, are you really sure?

Positive! As I've argued in my essay

"Art and craft in painting of '600",

Cappara did not possess a
strong artistic personality.

- I'll strangle him! Let Me!
- Calm down...

First he attributes to me
the crap of others, and then...

he says I don't have a strong artistic
personality! - What do you care?

- Pig! Jerk! - Well said! Calm down,
getting tough won't solve anything.

Leave me alone!

Lousy jerk, worm, incompetent!
Leave me!

Son of an unknown mother...

Why don't you ask your mom to paint
a fresco of this caliber in one night?

What a bummer.
So much work for nothing.

Who can stop them now?
They will smash it all down.

Maybe there's a solution.

We learned it from them:
The idea of the garage.

The garage? What is it?

A sort of Aladdin's lamp. You ask what
you want and your wish is granted.

Yes, Bartolomeo!
Good thinking.

What are we waiting for?

I can't. The clothes I wear
keep me from using illegal methods.

Reginaldo, who has such
deft hands, perhaps could...

It's too bad, professor. How lucky
if we had discovered a real Caparra.

Yes, pity. But we'll have to live with it.

I'm afraid so.
It's too obviously a different touch.

- So, we can tear it down!
- Oh, well...

1 guess you don't mind to put
your conclusions in writing.

- Indeed, it's my duty.
- This report is very important to us.

- You understand, professor?
- Yes, I think I do.

Of course we'll keep
into account your bother.

Be my guest. Anything you may need
is on the desk. - Fine.

You see? Everything is turning fine.

- Now you'll indeed say it's authentic,
right?- How disgusting!

Paying an ass to make him tell the truth!

How shameful!

For professor Randoni.

The "F" is not written
like that anymore, jackass!

Professor...

- Professor, do you need anything?
- No, nothing.

- Excuse me, I thought that, being in two...
- I know by myself what to do. Go, go!

- Out, out!
- And she's ugly, too!

You filthy grease monkey!

It Is much more profitable
to be a critic than a painter, eh?

That's it!
It's a done deal.

We won, after all.

Is it done? - It's done because we sell,
otherwise, to own a Caparra fresco...

There's no danger now.
Let the press in.

Yes, let's make it official.

This way, gentlemen. Silence, please.
Professor Randoni will now read his report.

I declare that the fresco found in the
palace of the princes of Roviano,

portraying Jupiter disguised as
a laundress to seduce Venus,

can't be absolutely attributed to
the brush of Giovan Battista Villari,

known as Caparra.

- What!?
- Ha! The garage didn't work!

Son of a...

Allow me, for once!

Instead, it can be attributed,
without a doubt, to a quite different hand.

And precisely, to the unrivaled
hand of Michelangelo Merisi,

known as Caravaggio.

Caravaggio again!
You damned ignorant fool!

No, not Caravaggio!

Stop!

- The finding...
- What are you doing?

Leave him alone!

Between us, for us a Caravaggio
is better than a Caparra.

...particularly important
because it's the only fresco

attributed to Caravaggio to this day.

Of course! He never made any!
Incompetent, idiot!

Jonah! Ignorant!

- Congratulations, prince.
- Thank you.

Modern painters deserve a critic like you.

Illiterate! Come, come with me,
I'll take care of you.

It couldn't get any worse!

I'm sorry, but I have to ask you
to return the advance.

You're committed by contract
and by your word.

The Rovianos always
stand up to their commitments.

Now he remembers that he's a prince.

Poor guy. What will he do now?
He doesn't have the money anymore.

Yes, he's in trouble.

I don't think so. Professor Randoni
was paid to tell the truth,

but, since he lied it seemed to me
unfair to reward him for his services.

How did you do it?

It was too easy to fool that dimwit.

He didn't even notice.

- Here. If you wish to count it...
- God forbid! If one can't trust a prince...

- Your contract.
- Thank you.

- Mister Roviano... Miss.
- Good afternoon.

Are you happy how to have a
Caravaggio in your house!?

What was that?

Oh, my God! What a pain!
1 can't move. Someone pushed me!

What happened?

Professor Randoni had an accident.
Poor him! He fell down the stairs.

- Was it you?
- No, it was Caravaggio.

And he got hurt?

No, jackasses have a tough hide.

So, you wanted a Mercedes?

Now you'll get a nice Lambretta.

White, maybe.

180 millions into thin air, eh?

There's plenty of smoke already.

Are you nervous?

Good.

Eileen!

Eileen, the critic fell down the stairs.
It seems he broke a leg.

The leg!
It's art, taking revenge over incompetence!

Of course, all those broken steps.
I really must have them repaired.

And not just the steps.

The whole house.

Especially now that...

Do you realize that 400 years ago
Caravaggio was in this house!?

- It's an honor worth 180 miillions.
- Yes, it's true. I'll never be rich, but...

what's important is being together.
You said that we could start over.

Sure, you can scrounge off me again!

What a temper!

1 knew right away.

Just you said that you would have liked
to live together in a big house, all for us.

Okay, but we don't have a house,
we've a palace.

A palace worth less than a bicycle!

When we met, I knew you had other
failings, but not that of being a fool!

The house, the house...
What will we eat?

The bricks that fall on our heads?

Or do we wait for manna from heaven,
sitting on the famous Papal See,

honor and pride of the
noble lineage of Roviano?

- No!
- Nooo!

Beggar! I'll sue you. I'll tell everyone
who you are, how long I've maintained you!

Also add that I was so fool
as to propose to one like you

to be the lady in a home where
she's not worthy of being the servant!

Sure, with both shoes
it's a wholly different thing!

If I hadn't a dislike for priests,
children and dandies...

1 could even stay here.

And what about women?

Women are too dumb to be disliked.

I hear a noise.

A noise? But there's nobody down there.

Ah, yes! I heard it too.
Compressed air.

Let's see.

Flora, come on.
We have visitors below.

Really?

- Are you coming, Giobatta?
- Giobatta my foot!

Giovan Battista is my name.

Giobatta!

Ah, welcome back!

You've arrived!

That's where is the fault!

It's this piece of pipe badly soldered.
All this time I couldn't understand what...

- Poldino!
- Annibale!

Not so fast! You're a newbie,
you still have to learn.

Yes, you need time.

I can't even say that you've grown up.

What a joy being able to
finally meet you, how to say...

in person!

- Flora, Reginaldo...
- Annibale, the pleasure is ours.

You all look good.
Very godd!

Father Bartolomeo, tell me something,

were you so fat also when you were alive?

- Yes, also when I was alive.
- Annibale, you first.

Oh, no. You first, you're the eldest.

- It's nice to come back home,
everything like it used to be. - Ah, no!

For my tastes we're too many. I'm going.

- One of the family? - No way! I didn't
want a family even when I was alive.

- He's a friend.
- A painter.

We too have had famous painters,
and very... - Very lousy!

They were daubers, not painters.

- In my own home?
- We'll move the green chair to the attic.

The one where you liked to nap.

And what's that?

You like it?

If I like it? Are you joking?
It's a masterpiece!

Ah, the "Triumph of Venus" by Caravaggio!

- That's why there's that sign outside.
- Exactly.

T was sure there was
a Caravaggio at home.

Caravaggio my ass!
I'm going, or I'll end up biting him,

Not just priests and children!
Now even senile codgers!

Who's that?
What kind of manners!

Treating me this way in my house!
After my death!

Don't mind him, he's moody, hysterical.
Rather, there's a surprise for you.

Oh, Federico!

Federico...

Where did I put the watch?

- Antonio, any mail? - Yes, I'll take it.
Don Federico, do you remember my son Gino?

- By Jove!
- Good morning, Prince.

- Prince? You used to call me Righetto.
- I used to. We were children.

Yes, 15 years ago.
1 used to bring you to school piggyback.

Now you wouldn't do it, Mr. Prince.

- We've grown up.
- Actually, even too much, it seems.

His friends call him "big celery".

A freak of nature.

You have a pretty fiancee, though!

I've got a good eye.

What have you got to laugh, you two?

- As soon as they discharge me...
- Reginaldo!

So it's true about you and
Antonio's great-grandmother...

Yes, it's true... that the forefathers'
sins fall upon the nephews.

What a bore!

- Eh, Annibale, mankind is degenerating!
- Undoubtedly. Slowly but unstoppably,

we're regressing to apes!

How did you get so many freckles?

What do I know! Maybe the marches,
all day long up and down under the sun!

And then, in the morning...

- When will you install the new boiler?
- Don Federico, I'm busy now.

Fine, but don't forget.

You managed to fool him, eh?

You're still getting rich
at the expenses of the Roviano!

Damn!

And that's not all!
Tonight I'll come for a visit. Be careful!

Bye Augusto, see you!

Fire! Fire!

The torch of ignorance
has set the world ablaze!

- The call of the fire. He died in a fire.
- And so he left...

He, the fire, I, the water.
Imagine if we could get along!

- Welcome, Prince.
- Thanks.

- Where are you going?
- Here's your place.

Better there.

That was right your uncle's table.

Really? How strange...

What do you have?

- We have cod fillets.
- No, something light.

Go for the cod!

Fine, bring me the cod.

- On the side?
- Cooked vegetables.

The prince came in,
and didn't greet the queen.

So, the queen leaves.
And puts him in the black list!

You're all in the list.

T wrote to America, now there's a new
president and I'll give him the Coliseum.

What am I gonna do with it?
It's full of holes!

The time has come!

I'm the queen,
saint and popess, as I please.

Honor me, or I'll send all of you...
What the. . ?

May your tire blow up in a bend!

My mother was a whore
and we're all brothers.

# Brothers... I#