All language subtitles for Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

* DECK THE HALL
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA
LA-LA-LA-LA *

* 'TIS THE SEASON
TO BE JOLLY *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA
LA-LA-LA-LA *

* DON WE NOW
OUR GAY APPAREL *

* FA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA
LA-LA-LA *

* TROLL THE ANCIENT
YULETIDE CAROL *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA
LA-LA-LA-LA **

* HERE WE COME
A-WASSAILING *

* AMONG THE LEAVES
SO GREEN *

* HERE WE COME
A-WANDERING *

* SO FAIR
TO BE SEEN *

* LOVE AND JOY
COME TO YOU *

* AND TO YOU
YOUR WASSAIL, TOO *

* AND GOD BLESS YOU

* AND SEND YOU
A HAPPY NEW YEAR *

* AND GOD SEND YOU
A HAPPY NEW YEAR *

* GOD BLESS THE MASTER
OF THIS HOUSE *

* LIKEWISE THE
MISTRESS TOO *

* AND ALL THE
LITTLE CHILDREN *

* THAT 'ROUND
THE TABLE GO *

* LOVE AND JOY
COME TO YOU *

* AND TO YOU
YOUR WASSAIL, TOO *

* AND GOD BLESS YOU

* AND SEND YOU
A HAPPY NEW YEAR *

* AND GOD SEND YOU
A HAPPY NEW YEAR **

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE

* THOU TREE MOST FAIR
AND LOVELY *

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE

* THOU TREE MOST FAIR
AND LOVELY *

* A SIGN OF PEACE
AT CHRISTMAS TIME *

* SPREADS HOPE AND GLADNESS
FAR AND WIDE *

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE

* THOU TREE MOST FAIR
AND LOVELY **

FIRST TIME
IN ORLANDO ?
OH, NO.

I FLY IN
ONCE A YEAR.

OF COURSE, I USUALLY
COME IN A DIFFERENT WAY.

WHERE ARE
YOU FROM ?
UP NORTH.

ME, TOO.
TORONTO.

REALLY ?

WHAT LINE OF WORK
ARE YOU IN ?
TOYS, MOSTLY.

NO FOOLING ?
YOU BEEN IN IT LONG ?

LONGER THAN YOU
CAN IMAGINE.
I HEAR THAT.

PRISCILLA,
COME BACK HERE.

YOU HERE ON
BUSINESS ?

I'M HERE TO APPOINT
A REPLACEMENT;

SOMEONE TO TAKE
OVER MY DUTIES.

UNFORTUNATELY, A PERSON WITH
THE RIGHT QUALIFICATIONS ...

IS DIFFICULT
TO FIND.

WELL, IT'S
A SMART COOKIE ...

WHO KNOWS WHEN TO
HANG UP THE OLD CLEATS.

OH, IT'S TIME.

I'M AFRAID I REALLY SHOULD
HAVE DONE THIS LAST YEAR.

I DON'T THINK
I'VE QUITE ...

GOT THE MAGIC
FOR ANOTHER TRIP.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL EVERY TIME
THEY SEND ME TO PITTSBURGH.

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN I COULD REMEMBER ...

EVERY NAME ON
MY LIST.

A LOT OF
CONTACTS ?
OH, ALL OVER
THE WORLD.

NOW I HAVE TROUBLE
RECALLING ...

WHO WAS NAUGHTY
AND WHO WAS NICE;

WHO ASKED FOR
A TOY TRUCK,

AND WHO WANTED
A BICYCLE.

SOUNDS LIKE A
DATABASE PROBLEM.

[ Jingle ]

[ Ernest ]
* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE,
OH, CHRISTMAS TREE *

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE,
OH, CHRISTMAS TREE *

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE,
OH, CHRISTMAS TREE *

* OH, CHRISTMAS TREE --

HEY, BUDDY, HURRY UP !
I GOTTA GET TO THE AIRPORT.

DON'T WORRY, MISTER.
WE'LL MAKE THAT PLANE.

I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE
IN THE FAST LANE.

I HAVE AN ALMOST
SUPERNATURAL FEEL ...

FOR THE ROAD
BENEATH MY TIRES.

HA, HA !
THRILL DRIVER !
[ Tires Screech ]

[ Ernest ] REMINDS ME
OF MY OLD DAYS ...

ON THE "FIGURE 8"
TRACK.

"IN CAR 9, IT'S ERNEST P.
WORRELL, THE SCREAMIN' DEMON !

HE'S GOING FOR HIS SECOND
TRACK RECORD TONIGHT !"

WHOA !

[ Tires Screech ]

WHOA !

WHOAAAA !

[ Tires Screech ]

I TOLD HIM ABOUT
THAT SEAT BELT.

HEY MISTER,
YOU CAN'T GET OUT HERE !

FUN IS FUN, BUT YOU'VE
GOT A PLANE TO CATCH !

[ Grunts ]

NICE BAG.
GUCCI ?

GUNNY !
GET IT ?

NEXT IN LINE.

I HATE THIS JOB.

IS SOMETHING WRONG ?

IS THIS YOUR
REAL NAME ?

IT'S THE NAME
I'M KNOWN BY, YES.

SURE.

WHY NOT ?

THANKS, SKIPPY.

[ Ernest ] WE'LL CATCH
THAT PLANE, MISTER.

WE'LL MAKE IT.
DON'T WORRY.

[ Ernest ] WE'LL BE AIRBORNE
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

[ Revving Engine ]

AHHHH !

[ Crunch ]

HEY, YOU !

TOUCH DOWN !

[ Shouting ]
IT'S NOT
MY FAULT !

WELL SIR,
I THINK WE MADE IT.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE
THAT FLIGHT AFTER ALL.

COME ON, MISTER,

THIS IS NO TIME
TO TAKE A NAP.

YOU'RE GONNA
MISS YOUR FLIGHT.

[ Shouting ]

YES, SIR, WHEN IT COMES
TO DRIVING SKILLS,

NOBODY CAN BEAT
ERNEST P. WORRELL.

[ Rip-pp ]

UH-OH.

YES, SIR,
CURB TO COUNTER.

IT'S HIM !

JUST A LITTLE EXTRA SERVICE US
INDEPENDENTS HAVE TO DO ...

TO KEEP UP WITH
THE BIG GUYS.

WHOA !
YOU FORGOT
YOUR CARRY-ON.

HERE, YOU'LL
NEED A JACKET.

[ Shouting ]

YOU'D BETTER TAKE
THIS OTHER SUITCASE.

HAVE A NICE DAY !

[ Shouting ]

WHAT A PLACE.

CHRISTMAS TIME,
AND IT'S 80 DEGREES.

YES, I'M USED TO
A COLDER CLIMATE MYSELF.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D REALLY
LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS ?

SNOW.
SNOW ?

I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU
WANTED A C-D PLAYER.

I'D BETTER MAKE
A NOTE OF THAT.
[ Car Horn ]

THERE'S MY WIFE.
I'VE GOT TO GO.

ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY ?
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

I'VE MADE A NOTE
ABOUT THAT SNOW.

TAXI !

MISTER, I'M A TAXI.

HERE,
YOU GOT ONE.

I'LL TAKE THOSE.

[ Shouting ]

WHERE TO ?

ORLANDO CHILDREN'S MUSEUM.

[ Tires Screech ]

HEY,
COME BACK HERE !

HA ! HA !

BOBBY, WE'VE GOT
9 CRATES ON HOLD,

AND THEY'VE GOT TO BE
PICKED UP ON THE 24th.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT !

WHO IN THEIR
RIGHT MIND ...

WOULD BE WORKING
ON THE 24th ?

THAT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

I'LL TELL
YOU WHO.

"WE" WHO,
THAT'S WHO.

RAIN, SLEET, HAIL,
THE SUPER BOWL,

THE 4th OF JULY.

BOBBY, IF IT
WEREN'T FOR US,

THIS AIRLINE WOULD NEVER
GET OFF THE GROUND.
[ Crunch ]

AIN'T THAT RIGHT,
BOBBY ?

I GUESS IF YOU WANT
THINGS DONE RIGHT,

YOU GOTTA DO IT
YOURSELF.

[ Groan ]

YO, BOB !

BREAK'S OVER.

[ Groan ]

SUN GETTIN' TO YOU ?

YES, IT'S NOT
AS BRIGHT AT NIGHT.

I'M USUALLY HERE
AT NIGHT.

HERE YOU GO. I ALWAYS
KEEP AN EXTRA PAIR.

OH, THANK YOU,
ERNEST.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT
TO INSULT YOU OR NOTHIN',

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHO
YOU REMIND ME OF ?
SANTA CLAUS ?

I GUESS YOU
HEAR THAT A LOT.

OH, YES. BUT THEN,
IT'S TO BE EXPECTED.

BECAUSE YOU
LOOK LIKE HIM ?

BECAUSE I AM HIM.

BECAUSE YOU "AM" HIM.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT ?

YEAH.

[ Humming ]

AHHH. SMELL THOSE
CHRISTMAS TREES.

[ Ernest ] YOU CAN KEEP YOUR
"CHANNEL" NUMBER 5.

JUST GIVE ME A WHIFF
OF THE OLD LONESOME PINE;

THAT SYMBOL OF
BROTHERLY LOVE,

THAT CENTERPIECE THAT
ALL MANKIND GATHERS AROUND ...

TO SHARE THE CRANBERRY SAUCE
SHAPED LIKE A CAN.

AHHH !

WHOA, LITTLE TREE !

STAY CALM, TANNENBAUM,
I'LL GET YOU OUT OF THIS.

WHOA !
[ Tires Screech ]

[ Ernest ] EVEN IN
EMERGENCY SITUATIONS,

ALWAYS FOLLOW
SAFE DRIVING RULES.

YOU'LL NOTICE THAT I AM USING
MY EMERGENCY SIGNAL INDICATORS,

[ Crunch ]
WHEN IN REVERSE.

HA ! HA !

[ Brakes Squeal ]

WHOA !

[ Brakes Squeal ]

OPEN UP !

HERE, HOLD
THIS A MINUTE.

[ Crash ]

[ Ernest ] THEY REALLY
BUNCH UP AT THIS EXIT.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

I TAKE IT YOU
REALLY NEEDED A TREE ?

NO, I'VE ALREADY
GOT ONE,

BUT I'VE GOT A FRIEND
WHO COULD USE IT.

BESIDES, IT'D BE A SHAME FOR
IT TO BE ALONE ON CHRISTMAS.

IT'S NICE
TO FIND SOMEBODY ...

WITH SUCH DEVOTION
TO CHRISTMAS.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T TELL
MANY PEOPLE THIS,

BUT CHRISTMAS IS JUST
ABOUT MY FAVORITE TIME.

EVER SINCE I WAS
A LITTLE KID,

I ALWAYS FELT LIKE IT WAS
MY OWN PERSONAL HOLIDAY.

I'M AT ONE WITH THE YULETIDE.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU MEAN.

I EVEN MEMORIZED THE
NAMES OF ALL THE REINDEER,

LIKE "DONDER"
AND "BLISTER."

THAT'S "BLITZEN."

IT SAYS, "HOLD FOR
PICK UP BY --"

IS THAT AN "M" ?

"V."

RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S AN "M."
"V."

"M."
"V."

"M, M, M."
"V, V, V."

THAT IS AN "M."

"HOLD FOR
HELPER ELMES."

THIS IS
PROBABLY AMISH.

IT COULD
EVEN BE QUAKER.

ONLY THING I KNOW
IS THAT IT'S FRENCH.

"V."

OKAY, BOBBY, I NEED YOU
TO GO ON BACK TO WORK.

SEE YOU.
TALK TO YOU LATER.

[ Rumble ]

[ Santa ] DID YOU
EVER HEAR OF A MAN ...

NAMED JOE CARRUTHERS ?

IT DON'T RING A BELL.
SHOULD I HAVE ?

"UNCLE JOEY'S
TREE HOUSE ?"

UNCLE JOEY ?
ARE YOU KIDDING ?

* THEY NEVER GET OLD

* THEY ALWAYS STAY NEW

* THOSE 3 LITTLE WORDS,
"PLEASE" AND "THANK YOU" **

HEY.

HEY !

I HAVEN'T SEEN
THAT SHOW IN YEARS.

IS HE STILL
ON THE AIR ?

WELL, HE WAS
UNTIL 3 WEEKS AGO,

AND THEN IT
WAS CANCELLED.

WELL, BY NOW HE MUST BE
ROLLING IN Mucho Dinero.

WELL, YOU DON'T GET
RICH BY DOING ...

A ONCE-A-WEEK CHILDREN'S
PROGRAM ON LOCAL TV.

YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT
FOR OTHER REASONS.

AND THAT'S
WHY I'M HERE.

HEY, HEY !

HEY, HOLD IT !

YOU FORGOT
SOMETHING.
TAKE IT EASY,
MISTER.

IT'S NOT ME.
IT'S MY BROTHER.

HE DOES THIS
ALL THE TIME.

WE GO OUT. HE SAYS HE HAS
THE MONEY, AND THEN WE EAT.

THEN HE GOES TO THE
BATHROOM AND SNEAKS OUT.

WHEN THE CHECK COMES,
I'M LEFT WITH NO MONEY ...

AND THIS STUPID
LOOK ON MY FACE.

PLEASE, MISTER,
JUST LET ME GO THIS TIME.

YOU EXPECT ME TO
BELIEVE THAT ?

I SWEAR IT'S TRUE.
LOOK !

THERE'S MY BROTHER NOW.
THERE HE IS !

HEY, TOMMY !

HEY !

[ Ding, Ding ]

WHOA !

AAAH !

[ Brakes Screech ]

PLEASE, MISTER,
GO, GO, GO !

AAAH !

[ Ding, Ding ]

DING !

THAT WAS MY MEAN UNCLE.

HE MAKES ME WORK IN THAT
RESTAURANT LIKE A SLAVE.

HE KEEPS ME LOCKED UP
IN THE BASEMENT ...

WITH RATS AND FILTH,
AND I JUST ESCAPED.

PLEASE DON'T LET HIM
GET ME, OKAY ?

[ As John Wayne ]
WELL, NOT TO WORRY, LITTLE LADY.

YOU'RE SAFE WITH US.

THANKS.

I'M HARMONY STARR.

REMEMBER THAT NAME, BECAUSE
I'LL BE FAMOUS SOMEDAY.

THIS IS ERNEST,
AND I'M SANTA CLAUS.

SURPRISED ?

NO, NO.

NOT REALLY.

[ Children's Voices ]

[ Click ]

THAT'LL BE $32.50.

THERE YOU GO.

HEY, THIS
AIN'T REAL.
WHAT ?

THIS BILL CARRIES
THE LIKENESS OF ONE ...

"MR. FUNTIME."

HMMM.

REALLY, I DON'T HAVE
MUCH USE FOR CURRENCY,

BUT I DO LIKE TO
HAVE A LITTLE AROUND.

JUST, YOU KNOW,
IN CASE.

OH, MY.
OH, MY GOODNESS.

LAST YEAR,

A 5-YEAR-OLD
WANTED ...

A "MR. FUNTIME"
GROCERY STORE.

I INCLUDED A
LARGE AMOUNT OF ...

PLAY MONEY.

I SUPPOSE I MUST
HAVE MIXED IT UP.

DUM-DA-DUM-DUM.

WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE ...

IS A FAILURE
TO "ACCUMULATE."

[ Sigh ]

WHAT THE HECK.

IT'S ON
THE HOUSE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
OLD BUDDY.
THANK YOU, TOO,
OLD BUDDY !

[ Indistinct Conversation ]

OH, RIGHT THROUGH
THERE, DEAR.

AHEM.
EXCUSE ME.

I'M LOOKING FOR A MAN
NAMED JOSEPH CARRUTHERS.

I'M THE GREATEST.

ROAR.

ME TOO, ME TOO !

ROAR !

FOR MILLIONS
OF YEARS,

DINOSAURS
RULED THE EARTH.

ROAR.
ROAR.

HEY, DON'T DO THAT !

THEN, SOMETHING
REALLY STRANGE HAPPENED.

UH-OH, IT'S
THE ICE AGE !

OH, NO, I DON'T
FEEL TOO GOOD.

AH-AH-AH-CHOO !

HE'S A
WONDERFUL MAN.

WE'RE SO LUCKY
TO HAVE HIM WITH US.

YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME.
I'VE WATCHED HIM FOR YEARS.

YES, WELL, HE'S BEEN
SUCH A HELP HERE,

AND THE CHILDREN
JUST LOVE HIM.

I HOPE HE GETS SOMETHING
GOING FOR HIMSELF SOON.

OH, I IMAGINE HE'LL HAVE
HIS HANDS FULL VERY SHORTLY.

THAT'S WHY WE DON'T SEE
DINOSAURS AROUND ANYMORE.

HEY, LISTEN.

I WANT TO THANK ALL YOU KIDS
FOR COMING TO SEE ME TODAY.

WHY DO I SAY
"THANK YOU" ?

BECAUSE THEY
NEVER SEEM OLD,

THEY ALWAYS
SEEM NEW,

THOSE 3 LITTLE WORDS,

"PLEASE" AND
"THANK YOU."

* JINGLE BELLS,
CHECKBOOK SWELLS *

* BIG DEALS
ON THE WAY **

HEY, BABE, PARK IT IN THE SHADE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY ?

COME ALONG,
CHILDREN.

BE CAREFUL NOW.

COME ON BOYS,
QUICKLY.

BYE-BYE.

YOU CAN GO IN NOW.

HELLO, JOE !

THIS IS INDEED
A PLEASURE.

HELLO.
DO I KNOW YOU ?

YES, YOU DO.
I DO ?

WHAT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU
MAY SOUND FANTASTIC,

BUT PLEASE SUSPEND
DISBELIEF ...

UNTIL I'VE GOTTEN
THROUGH IT.

YOUR NAME WAS
ORIGINALLY ON A LIST ...

WITH SEVERAL
HUNDRED OTHERS.

SLOWLY, FOR ONE
REASON OR ANOTHER,

THE OTHER NAMES
WERE ELIMINATED.

THE PROCESS TOOK
LONGER THAN I THOUGHT.

BUT NOW, I'M SURE ...

I HAVE THE RIGHT
MAN FOR THE JOB.

JOB ?
WHAT JOB ?

I MEAN, WHAT IS
THIS ALL ABOUT ?

JOE, YOU ARE GOING
TO BE THE NEW --

EXCUSE ME, POP.
THIS IS IT, JOEY.

THE HAND OF FATE IS
REACHING OUT TO YOU.

I KNOW HOW BROKEN UP YOU ARE
ABOUT YOUR SHOW BEING BOUNCED,

BUT YOU'VE GOT A SHOT
FOR THE LEAD IN A MOVIE.

WHAT'S THE
MOVIE ABOUT ?

A HOLIDAY FLICK CALLED
"CHRISTMAS SLEIGH."

BLAKE FARRELL
HAD THE LEAD,

AT THE LAST MINUTE,
HE GOES SKIING,
FALLS ON HIS PUSS,

AND WRECKS UP
A $5,000 NOSE JOB.

DO YOU LOVE IT ?
I LOVE IT, YES.

TALK ABOUT LUCK,
RIGHT ?

THE INTERVIEW IS
IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

I WANT YOU TO TINT YOUR
HAIR AND LOSE THE BEARD.

NO, JOE, NO !

DON'T GO LOOKING LIKE HIM.
YOU'RE SET WITH MY HAIRSTYLIST.

DEREK CAN MAKE A HAIR BLOWER
DO EVERYTHING EXCEPT
SIT UP AND BARK.

BUT YOUR BEARD
IS WONDERFUL !

THANKS.
I THINK SO TOO, MARTY.

WHO IS THIS GUY ?
ALREADY, I DON'T LIKE HIM.

MY NAME IS SANT --
EXCUSE ME,
MR. SANTOS,

WE'RE HAVING A CONVERSATION.
MAY WE CONTINUE, PLEASE ?

S'il vous plait.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MY GOODNESS,
MY SACK !

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I LEFT IT.

I MUST REALLY
BE SLIPPING.

YOU'RE ALWAYS PULLING
THIS STUFF, ERNEST;

KNOCKING DOWN
THE METERS,

GIVING FREE RIDES TO
EVERY HOBO YOU COME ACROSS.

[ Ernest ] BUT MR. DILLIS,
THIS WASN'T JUST A HOBO.

THIS GUY
WAS DIFFERENT.

CALL IT
CLAIRVOYANCE,

CALL IT "EXTRA-SENSITORY
PERSPIRATION."

I JUST HAD
THIS HUNCH.

I AM NOT RUNNING A
CHARITY OPERATION HERE.

THIS IS A BUSINESS, AND
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE MONEY,

AND GOOD SAMARITANS LIKE
YOU DON'T MAKE MONEY !

I'VE HAD IT WITH
YOU, ERNEST.

YOU'RE FIRED !

ERNEST, IT WAS A
DEAD-END JOB, ANYWAY.

I MEAN, IT'S NOWHERE
WORKING FOR A GUY LIKE THAT.

IF THERE HADN'T BEEN
CHILDREN PRESENT,

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A
VERY UGLY SCENE INDEED.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

HEY, TAKE THIS
WITH YOU !

[ Jingle ]

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL
HIM YOU WERE ROBBED ?

THIS COULD HAVE ALL BEEN
AVOIDED IF YOU'D JUST LIED.

MERRY
CHRISTMAS !

OOH !

ERNEST, YOU ARE IN
SERIOUS NEED OF HELP.

OOH.

WAIT A MINUTE.
STAND FAST, BOBBY.
[ Scratch, Scratch ]

I THINK I HEAR
SOMETHING.

[ Crunch ]

AHHHH !

[ Whoosh ]

DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING
ABOUT THE CAB,

BESIDE THE FACT
THAT IT WAS YELLOW ?

NO "WORRELL"
AT CITY CAB.

I CAN TRY METRO.

I KEPT TRACK OF HIM
UNTIL HE WAS 11 OR SO;

ERNEST, I MEAN.

WHAT A GOOD BOY.

NOT VERY BRIGHT.

HE GREW UP
WITH THIS GUY.

I THINK HIS
NAME WAS VERN.

WHAT IS WITH YOU
AND THIS RUMMY ?

YOU'VE ALREADY BLOWN YOUR
APPOINTMENT WITH DEREK.

HE'S A NICE OLD MAN.
HE SEEMS A LITTLE CONFUSED.

I THINK WE CAN TAKE A
LITTLE TIME TO HELP HIM OUT.

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

HEAD ON OVER THERE.

I'LL HELP MR. WHISKERS
FIND HIS WHATEVER-IT-IS,

AND MEET YOU
AT THE STUDIO.

MR. SANTOS, LISTEN,
I'M SORRY,

BUT I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
I REALLY HAVE TO KEEP.

MARTY WILL TAKE
CARE OF YOU.

BUT JOE, I REALLY
NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

[ Marty ] YES, YES, YES,
WHATEVER IT IS, MR. SANTOS,

YOU CAN TELL ME.
I'M MARTY BROCK, JOE'S AGENT.

SO, MR. SANTOS,
DO YOU LIVE AROUND HERE ?

NO. I HAVE TO GO
AND FIND JOE. EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU HAVE ANY FAMILY,
ANY FRIENDS, ANY MONEY ?

I HAD SOME U.S. CURRENCY;
RATHER A LARGE AMOUNT.

I GAVE IT AWAY
LAST YEAR ...

TO A 5-YEAR-OLD NAMED
BOBBY BIDDERMAN.

WHAT ABOUT NOW,
MR. SANTOS ?

THE NAME IS SANTA CLAUS.

OOH.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
STAY RIGHT HERE ...

AND I'LL TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING.

OKIE-DOKIE ?

GOOD.

YES.

SUCH A NICE MAN.

[ Ernest ] VERN,
VERN, VERN, WHAT A GUY.

YEAH, ME AND VERN
GO BACK A LONG WAY.

WE SPEND THE
HOLIDAYS TOGETHER.

I HELP HIM WORK ON HIS HOUSE
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

ME AND OLD VERN ARE TIGHTER
THAN STRETCHED DUCT TAPE.

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY WE'RE
CUT FROM THE SAME BARK.

OLD VERN'S DONE PRETTY
GOOD FOR HIMSELF, THOUGH.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME, HE
WOULDN'T BE WHERE HE IS TODAY.

I TAUGHT HIM ALL HE KNOWS
ABOUT NUCLEAR PHYSICS.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

YEAH, VERN'S ALWAYS
HAPPY TO SEE ME.

HE'S MY BEST BUDDY, AND HE
THROWS THE GREATEST PARTIES.

COURSE, WE'RE A LITTLE EARLY,
SO WE CAN HELP HIM DECORATE,

AND MAYBE PUT
OUT THE FOOD.

THOSE LITTLE
FINGER SANDWICHES,

AND CHEESEBALLS,
AND BEAN DIP !

I HOPE HE'S GOT
SOMETHING I CAN EAT,

NOT JUST LOTS OF THINGS MADE
OF WHITE SUGAR AND RED MEAT.

I THINK EATING RED MEAT
MAKES PEOPLE OVERLY AGGRESSIVE.

THEY KILL
PEOPLE AND STUFF.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

YOU'RE AS RIGHT
AS RAIN, PUDDIN'.

PORK'S MY MEAT.

HO, HO, HO, VERN !
MERRY CHRISTM --

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS
VERN WAS A FRIEND OF YOURS.

VERN'S JUST
LIKE THAT.

HE'LL DO ANYTHING
FOR A LAUGH.

COME ON.

IT'S SANTA'S LITTLE
PARTY HELPER !
HI !

THIS IS HARMONY.
[ Crack ]

SHE'S BEEN HAVING A TOUGH TIME,
SO I'M HELPING HER OUT.

YOU KNOW, KIND OF A
"FATHER IMAGE" THING.

"AS THE TWIG IS BENT,
SO GROWS THE TREE."

KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

IT'LL LOOK GOOD
RIGHT OVER HERE.

[ Harmony ] NICE PLACE.
IT'S REALLY YOU.

YEP, I'LL JUST SET IT
RIGHT IN THERE.

[ Crunch ]

UMPH !

UGH !

DON'T WORRY, VERN,
I'LL MAKE IT FIT.

[ Creak, Creak ]

UGH !

JUST HANG SOME TINSEL
AND LIGHTS ON THIS PUPPY --

AAOOH !

PARTY PUNCH.

YEAH, THAT
OUGHT TO HOLD.

[ Tree Creaks ]

[ Slurp ]

AHH !

SUPERB.
[ Crack ]

[ Crunch ]

I'VE GOT TO FIND JOE.

IF I DON'T FIND HIM,

SO MANY CHILDREN
WILL BE DISAPPOINTED.

OFFICER, YOU'VE
GOT TO LET ME GO.

DO YOU REALLY THINK
THAT WAS NECESSARY ?

HE SEEMED
SO HARMLESS,

AND IN A STRANGE
WAY, SINCERE.

COME ON. HE'S OBVIOUSLY
DISORIENTED.

A TRANSIENT, WALKING AROUND
WITH PLAY MONEY IN HIS POCKET,

PRETENDING TO BE
SANTA CLAUS.

IS THAT WHO HE
THINKS HE IS ?

HIS REAL NAME
IS SANTOS.

HE GOT FIRED.

SOME CRAZY OLD GUY STIFFED
HIM FOR A $30 CAB RIDE,

AND INSTEAD OF
CALLING THE COPS,

BOBO HERE KNOCKED
DOWN THE METER.

ARE THOSE
BACON-CHEESEBURGERS ?

VERN, IT AIN'T LIKE THE
CAB COMPANY CAN'T AFFORD ...

TO GIVE SOMEBODY A FREE RIDE
EVERY NOW AND THEN.

AND AFTER ALL, VERN,
IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME.

IT'S A TIME
FOR GIVING.

[ Rip ]

A TIME FOR CHESTNUTS
OPENING ON A ROASTED FIRE.

[ Rip ]

A TIME FOR SLEIGH BELLS
TINKLING IN THE SNOW.

UGH !

VERN, THAT PUPPY'S REALLY STUCK.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

[ Rip ]

YOU KNOW, VERN,

IT LOOKS LIKE A TRANSMUTATION
OF YOUR 110 AND YOUR 220.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

[ Pop ]

[ Pop ]

[ Santa ] I ARRIVED HERE
JUST TODAY.

I HAD A SIMPLE
JOB TO DO,

AND THEN, EVERYTHING
STARTED TO GET UNRAVELLED.

FIRST,
I LOST MY SACK,

AND NOW THIS.

IF YOU'D ONLY TAKE A MOMENT
AND JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND --

COME ON, POPS,

WE GOT SOME
PAPERWORK TO DO.

YOU'RE MAKING A
VERY BIG MISTAKE.

HEY, LOOK AT THIS.

[ Officer ] I NEVER SAW
ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.

"I'M FRIGHTENED."

"DON'T WORRY.
IT'S ONLY THUNDER.

"WE'LL ALL
BE SAFE HERE ...

TOGETHER."

OH, GREAT.

YOU KIDS ARE TERRIFIC ACTORS.
YOU REALLY ARE.

I WANT TO THANK YOU
BECAUSE YOU HELPED ME A LOT.

I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS.

HE'S A NATURAL
WITH THE KIDS.

HE'S ALREADY GOT THEM SAYING
"PLEASE" AND "THANK YOU."

YOU'RE THE
DIRECTOR, CARL,

BUT PERSONALLY, I THINK
THERE'S CHEMISTRY HERE.

CHEMISTRY
IS VERY IMPORTANT.

CHEMISTRY.

YOU'VE GOT IT,
THEY WANT IT.
REALLY ?

YEAH, YEAH.

THEY WANT TO SHOOT
SOME TESTS TOMORROW,

BUT DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT.
GREAT !

BY THE WAY, WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE OLD GUY ?

FORGET HIM. YOU'VE GOT A
NEW CAREER ABOUT TO FIRE UP.

GOOD, BUT DID HE EVER FIND
HIS SACK OR WHATEVER IT WAS ?

YEAH, YEAH.
TAKEN CARE OF.

[ Squeak ]

[ Squeak ]

[ Squeak ]

I KNOW WHAT WE NEED, VERN.
BOLT CUTTERS !

[ Splat ]

[ Jingle ]

[ Jingle ]

[ Giggles ]

HE'S HIM.

[ Harmony ] THERE'S NO SUCH
THING. THINK ABOUT IT;

A GUY WHO FLIES AROUND
THE WHOLE WORLD ...

IN ONE NIGHT.

IT JUST DOESN'T
QUITE CORRESPOND ...

WITH THE LAWS
OF TIME AND TRAVEL.

NOW, NOW, NOW,
IT'S POSSIBLE.

TAKE THE INTERNATIONAL DATELINE,
MULTIPLY IT BY THE TIME ZONES,

DIVIDE IT BY THE ACCELERATED
ROTATION OF THE EARTH.

NOW, CARRY THE ONE.

ALLOWING FOR THE VERNAL EQUINOX
ON THE TROPIC OF CANCER,

HE MIGHT
JUST PULL IT OFF.

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

LET'S JUST SAY THIS GUY
REALLY IS SANTA CLAUS, OKAY ?

WHY IS HE
RIDING AROUND ...

IN AIRPLANES
AND TAXICABS ?

WHERE'S HIS SLEIGH ?

WHERE ARE HIS
REINDEER ?

[ Chomping And Snorting ]

YOU KNOW WHAT
I THINK THAT IS ?

[ Chomp, Snort ]

I THINK THOSE ARE ...

LATVIAN GOATS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

IT -- IT COULD
BE ALIENS.

[ Whoosh ]

[ Whoosh ]

[ Knock ]
IS ANYBODY IN THERE ?

SANTA, ARE YOU IN THERE ?

[ Knock, Knock ]

I'VE GOT YOUR SACK.
IT'S SAFE.

I TOLD YOU,
THEY'RE ALL GONE.

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT,
ANYWAY ?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, I THINK
I KNOW, BUT --

COME OVER HERE
A SECOND.

[ Ernest ] I WANT
TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

WATCH THIS.

[ Jingle ]

[ Giggles ]

WHOA, GROOVY TUESDAY !

I AM GOING TO SLOWLY
AND CAREFULLY ...

REACH INTO THIS
GLOWING BAG ...

AND SEE IF MY FINELY
HONED INSTINCTS ...

ARE CORRECT.

NO, NO.
DON'T DO IT.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S IN THAT BAG.

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHERE THAT BAG'S BEEN.

IT COULD BE SOME
KIND OF ...

PORTABLE CORE-MELTDOWN
OR SOMETHING.

NO PROBLEM.

[ Grunts ]

OH, AHH, OH.

[ Harmony ]
CAREFUL, CAREFUL !

OOH-OOH.

I TOLD YOU.
NOW YOU'RE NUKED, MAN.

UNLESS I'M WRONG,
AND I HARDLY EVER AM,

THIS IS FOR YOU.

[ Zing ]

NOW AIN'T THAT JUST EXACTLY
WHAT YOU WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS ?

ARE YOU CRAZY ?
TOTALLY UN-AWESOME.

NO MAN,
GET WITH IT.

OKAY, THAT WAS
JUST FOR PRACTICE.

NOW, I'M
IN THE GROOVE.

NOW, I AM AT ONE
WITH THE MAGIC.

HOW ABOUT THIS ?

LIKE IT ?

THAT'S YOU.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA !

AH-HA !

[ Flap, Flap ]

COME ON, ERNEST.
IT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU.

NAH !

RIGHT THROUGH HERE.
COME ON !

LOOK GUY, IF YOUR
NOSE IS CLEAN,

YOU'LL GET A HOT MEAL AND
BE OUT ON THE STREET ...

BEFORE YOU CAN SAY,
"FROSTY THE SNOWMAN."

BUT IT WOULD BE A LOT BETTER
IF YOU'D GIVE ME YOUR REAL NAME.

I'VE TOLD YOU.

I'VE TOLD EVERYBODY.

MY NAME IS
SANTA CLAUS.

OKAY, WE'LL JUST
GO WITH "JOHN DOE."

NOW, SEE HERE.

THIS IS A REALLY
HORRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

I NEED TO FIND A MAN
NAMED JOE CARRUTHERS.

YOU HAVE
ONE PHONE CALL.

I CAN'T EXPLAIN SOMETHING
LIKE THIS ON THE TELEPHONE.

WELL, UNLESS YOU HAVE
SOME MAGICAL POWERS,

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL
TALK TO HIM TONIGHT.

AGE ?

ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-ONE.

WE'VE GOT TO FIND HIM.

WE'VE GOT TO GET THIS SACK
BACK INTO THE RIGHT HANDS.

YOU SAW HOW IT WAS.

EVEN ME, NOTED
"PHILANTHROPIC" THAT I AM,

COULDN'T GET THE RIGHT
STUFF OUT OF THIS SACK.

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS ?

IT REALLY WORKS !

IT MEANS THE END OF
CHRISTMAS ON THIS PLANET ...

AS WE KNOW IT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON
AUTHORIZED TO OPERATE THIS SACK:

HIS BIG RED ONENESS,
"THE CLAUS."

[ Officer ]
OPEN "D" CELL.

[ Officer ]
CLOSE "D."

[ Prisoner ] THIS AIN'T
NO FLOPHOUSE, BUDDY.

[ Prisoner ]
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

THIS PLACE
IS FULL ALREADY.

[ Laughter ]

[ Smack ]

RISE AND SHINE !

IT'S TIME TO PUT
FUEL IN THE TANK ...

AND RUBBER
ON THE ROAD;

AND REUNITE OLD
FATHER CHRISTMAS,

A CLOSE, PERSONAL
FRIEND OF MINE,

WITH HIS
MAGIC SACK.

ERNEST, I'M NOT MUCH
OF A MORNING PERSON.

DO YOU THINK WE COULD JUST
KEEP IT DOWN TO A DULL ROAR ?

WHEN I SEE HIS FROSTINESS,
I'M GOING TO ASK HIM ...

HOW HE GOT IN MY HOUSE
WHEN I WAS A KID,

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T
EVEN HAVE A CHIMNEY.

I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE
A THEORY ON THIS ?

MY THEORY IS ...

HE GOT IN THROUGH THE
FORCED-AIR HEATING SYSTEM.

YOU KILL ME.

YOU TALK LIKE YOU
BELIEVE ALL THIS STUFF;

ALL THIS CHRISTMAS,
SANTA CLAUS,

FA-LA-LA-LA-LA
STUFF.

OF COURSE, I BELIEVE.

CHRISTMAS IS
A KNOWN FACT.

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE,
ALL OVER THE WORLD,

CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS
EVERY SINGLE YEAR;

WITH COLORFUL CARDS,

AND FESTIVELY WRAPPED
PACKAGES WITH BIG BOWS.

ONE CHRISTMAS EVE,
I WAS LYING IN BED.

I THOUGHT I HEARD A NOISE
IN THE HEAT DUCTS.

AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS
REINDEER ON THE ROOF ?

NO, I THOUGHT
IT WAS SANTA CLAUS ...

TRAPPED IN
THE HEATING SYSTEM.

I PICTURED HIM WANDERING
AROUND IN THERE ...

TRYING TO FIND
A WAY OUT,

AND FINALLY TURNING HIMSELF
INTO SORT OF THIS BIG BLOB,

AND OOZING THROUGH
THE VENT COVERS.

YOU'RE A SICK MAN,
ERNEST.

WE'VE GOT TO EAT AND
FIND "THE CLAUS."

WITH MY TRACKING SKILLS,
THAT SHOULD BE No Problemo.

Comprendo ?

[ Sizzle ]

AHHH.

I LIKE LOTS AND LOTS OF BUTTER
WITH MINE, DON'T YOU ?

LOTS OF BUTTER.

OOOH.

[ Snort ]

OH, YEAH.

ALIEN GOATS,
ALL RIGHT.

I READ ABOUT THIS
IN THE ENQUIRER.

REINDEER ?
BUT I KNEW THAT !

IT'S PART OF
THE SAME SPECIES.

[ Whoosh ]

THAT'S SIX
OUT OF EIGHT.

BOBBY, THERE IS SOMETHING
REAL SIGNIFICANT GOING ON HERE.

* FIVE GOLDEN RINGS

* FOUR CALLING BIRDS,
THREE FRENCH HENS *

* TWO TURTLE DOVES

[ Lone Male Voice ]
* AND A PARTRIDGE

* IN A PEAR TREE *

THIS ONE WAS MADE IN
MRS. THOMPSON'S ROOM.

ISN'T THAT NICE ?

YOU HAVE TO BE
VERY CAREFUL WHEN --

I NEED TO FIND THE MAN
WHO WAS HERE YESTERDAY.

WHAT'S
HIS NAME ?

SANTA CLAUS.

WHO ?

SANTA CLAUS.

HIS NAME IS
SANTA CLAUS.

THAT'S IT,
YUCK IT UP.

HE HAPPENS TO BE A CLOSE,
PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE.

NA-NA, NA-NA-NA.

FIFTH-GRADERS THINK
THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.

I KNOW WHO YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.

HE'S THAT POOR OLD MAN THE
POLICE TOOK AWAY YESTERDAY.

UH-UH-UH.

SANTA CLAUS
GOT BUSTED ?

I GOTTA GO.

WHAT I REALLY WANTED
FOR CHRISTMAS ...

WAS A MILLION DOLLARS
IN SMALL, UNMARKED BILLS.

[ Jingle ]

GUESS WHAT !

I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING.
I WAS GUARDING IT.

SANTA'S IN
THE SLAMMER.

WE'VE GOT TO
GET HIM OUT.

IS VAGRANCY
A CAPITAL CRIME ?

[ Engine Starts ]

[ Tires Screech ]

NO LADY,
YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT.

PUT IT BACK.

I HATE TO INTERRUPT,
CHIEF SPENKS,

BUT HE'S FROM
THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE.

GREAT, THAT'S JUST
WHAT I NEED TODAY;

SOME KNOW-NOTHING FROM THE
CAPITAL COMING DOWN HERE ...

AND TELLING ME
HOW TO RUN MY --

HELLO, I'M CHIEF SPENKS.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU ?

CLEMENTH, HERE.
OSCAR CLEMENTH.

I'M WITH THE GOVERNOR'S
STATE CORRECTIONAL ...

INSTITUTIONAL PRISONER
FAIR TREATMENT TASK FORCE.

AND THIS IS THE
GOVERNOR'S NIECE,

MINDY.

MINDY'S WRITING
A SCHOOL PAPER ...

ON "HOW GOVERNMENT
REALLY WORKS."

HOW NICE.

THIS IS A SURPRISE
INSPECTION, CHIEF.

NOW, WAIT
JUST A MINUTE.

DO YOU NEED AN EDUCATION TO BE
CHIEF, OR CAN ANYBODY DO IT ?

WE HAD TO
FIGHT THROUGH ...

AN ARMY OF TV CAMERAMEN
JUST TO GET IN HERE.

NOW, LOOK HERE --

IS THAT "SPINKS"
OR "SPENKS."

I CAN'T TELL
YOU WHAT A ...

PET PROJECT THIS IS
OF GOVERNOR ELLINGTON'S.

TV CAMERAMEN. ARE WE
COMMUNICATING HERE ?

WERE YOU ELECTED
INTO OFFICE,

OR DID YOU JUST
BUY YOUR WAY IN ?

ISN'T SHE
A DOLL ?

[ Spenks ] THE GOAL
OF THIS FACILITY ...

IS TO REHABILITATE
AND RETRAIN THE WHOLE MAN;

AND TO MAKE POSSIBLE HIS
SMOOTH REENTRY INTO SOCIETY,

ONCE HE'S PAID FOR
THE CRIMES HE'S COMMITTED.

THESE ARE OUR MOST
RECENT OFFENDERS.

[ Officer ]
OPEN "D" CELL.

BE SURE TO TAKE
COPIOUS NOTES, MINDY,

AND WATCH THAT
PENMANSHIP.

WHO'S THE
OLD MAN ?

UM, MR. SANTOS.

MR. SANTOS,

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN TREATED
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE ?

MY NAME IS
SANTA CLAUS.

EXCUSE ME ?

SANTA CLAUS.

DID HE SAY
"SANTA CLAUS" ?

I THINK SO.

MY GOOD MAN, YOU
ARE NOT SANTA CLAUS.

I AM !

- ARE NOT.
- AM TOO !

- ARE NOT.
- AM TOO !

ARE NOT !

I AM TOO,
AND YOU KNOW IT !

THIS MAN THINKS
HE IS SANTA CLAUS,

AND YOU KEEP HIM IN
A CELL WITH REGULAR,

ORDINARY, EVERYDAY,
HARMLESS CRIMINALS ?

EXCUSE ME,

BUT HE REALLY
IS SANTA CLAUS.

YOU SEE THAT ?
INFECTIOUS INSANITY.

THIS MAN NEEDS
TO BE ISOLATED.

ARE YOU
GETTING THIS ?
UNCLE HERBERT
WILL BE SHOCKED.

MAYBE IT'S A MISTAKE;
A CLERICAL ERROR.

IS THIS THE WAY
GOVERNMENT REALLY WORKS ?

[ Ernest ] LOOK AT THOSE
BEADY TWINKLING EYES,

THOSE MERRY CHEEKS.

I BET WHEN HE LAUGHS HE SHAKES
LIKE A BOWL FULL OF JELLY.

CALL MY OFFICE AND
TELL THEM I'M TAKING ...

THIS MENACE TO SOCIETY
TO THE PADDED PARTY ROOM.

I HATE FOR YOU TO HAVE
TO SEE THIS, MY DEAR.

I'D HATE FOR UNCLE HERBERT
TO HAVE TO SEE THIS.

OH, DON'T TELL HIM.

THE GOVERNOR WOULD
MAKE A THROW RUG ...

OUT OF THIS MAN'S
CHEST HAIR.

MOVE IT, POPS !

[ Prisoner ]
SEE YOU, SANTA.

[ Prisoner ]
TAKE IT EASY, SANTA.

CAN WE STILL
GET ICE CREAM ?

[ Ernest ] OF COURSE WE
CAN, BUT NONE FOR HIM.

[ Prisoner ]
WE'LL BE GOOD !

ALL RIGHT ! WAS THAT
COOL OR WHAT ?

"IS THIS THE WAY
GOVERNMENT REALLY WORKS ?"

THEY BOUGHT IT !
OH, WHAT A TEAM.

THAT WAS CLOSE.
THANK YOU, ERNEST.

TIME IS
RUNNING OUT.

THIS IS GREAT.

YOU ARE THE MOST FAMOUS
PERSON I'VE EVER MET.

YOU'RE HIM:
"MR. TWINKLE IN THE EYE,"

"MR. ROSY CHEEKS,"

"MR. HO-HO !"

I'VE GOT SUGARPLUMS DANCING
IN MY HEAD AS WE SPEAK.

ERNEST,

CHILL OUT,
WILL YOU ?

SHE STILL DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN YOU.

GET REAL.

NOBODY BELIEVES
IN SANTA CLAUS.

OH, SHE'S BEEN THIS WAY
SINCE THAT CHRISTMAS ...

WHEN I BROUGHT HER A DOLL
INSTEAD OF A BASEBALL MITT.

HAVEN'T YOU, PAMELA ?

YOU SEE,
I TOOK OVER ...

THE POSITION OF
SANTA CLAUS, IN 1889,

FROM A GERMAN CHAP.

I ENJOYED
EVERY SECOND OF IT.

THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T WANT
TO BE SANTA CLAUS ANYMORE ?

NO, NO,
IT ISN'T THAT.

YOU SEE, WITH THE
PASSING OF TIME,

THE MAGIC FADES.

I'VE GOT SOME JUMPER CABLES
IN THE BACK ...

IF YOU NEED
RECHARGING.

NO, ERNEST.

IT'S RECHARGED
THROUGH THE PASSING ...

FROM ONE PERSON
TO THE NEXT.

THAT'S WHY JOE CARRUTHERS
IS SO IMPORTANT.

I'VE GOT TO MAKE HIM
THE NEXT SANTA CLAUS ...

BEFORE 7:00 TONIGHT.

OR I'M AFRAID ...

THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS,

THE JOYS AND FEELINGS,

WILL BE GONE FOREVER.

[ Santa ] THAT'S WHY
WE'VE GOT TO FIND JOE.

[ Harmony ] MARTY'S OFFICE
IS ON THE 2nd FLOOR.

THESE STEPS MIGHT AS WELL
BE MOUNT EVEREST.

HOLD ON
A SECOND, HON.

SUPERIOR TALENT, INC.
MARTY BROCK'S --

IS MY SECOND-BORN SON
WITHOUT A SLIVER OF GRATITUDE ?

HE WOULDN'T EVEN PICK UP
HIS OWN MOTHER AT THE AIRPORT.

I'M ONLY GLAD HIS FATHER
NEVER LIVED TO SEE THE DAY ...

WHEN HIS SON WOULD TREAT
HIS OWN MOTHER THIS WAY.

ME, A LONELY
OLD WOMAN ...

FORCED TO COPE IN A
WORLD OF INDIFFERENCE.

HOLD ON
JUST A MINUTE.

WHERE IS HE ?
WHERE IS MARTIN ?

I NEED HIM TO HELP ME
WITH MY WILL.

HAVING WALKED FROM THE
AIRPORT, I'LL BE DEAD SOON.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
HE'S WITH A CLIENT.

THAT'S LIFE FOR YOU.

YOU HAVE TWO SONS;
ONE GOOD, ONE BAD.

AND WOULDN'T
YOU KNOW IT,

WITH MY LUCK,
THE GOOD ONE DIES !

BUT MRS. BROCK, I'M SURE HE
DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING.

DON'T SIDE WITH HIM, HONEY.
THERE'S NO FUTURE IN IT.

JUST TELL ME
WHERE HE IS.

I HOPE ERNEST HAS
SUCCESS FINDING JOE.

HE'S BEEN IN THERE
A LONG TIME.

AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T
KICK HIM OUT RIGHT AWAY.

YOUR MOTHER MUST
BE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

WHAT ?
WELL, YOU'VE BEEN
GONE A MONTH NOW.

THAT'S A LONG TIME FOR A GIRL
YOUR AGE TO BE ON HER OWN.

YOU KNOW,
THAT IS SO FUNNY.

PEOPLE DO THIS TO ME
ALL THE TIME.

EVERYBODY THINKS I'M
REALLY YOUNG, YOU KNOW,

BUT I'M NOT.

I'M 22.

MY MISTAKE.

I MIXED YOU UP
WITH SOMEONE ...

WHOSE PARENTS HAD SOME
PROBLEMS LAST YEAR.

THEY GOT SO WRAPPED UP
IN THEMSELVES ...

THAT THEY FORGOT
THAT SHE ...

NEEDED A LITTLE
ATTENTION, TOO.

NO.

I --

I DON'T KNOW
ANYBODY LIKE THAT.

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE SHE OUGHT TO
WISE UP TO THE WAY THINGS ARE,

AND JUST START LOOKING
OUT FOR HERSELF.

HEY, ERNEST !

HOW'D IT GO ?
IT WORKED GREAT !

VICTORY
IS AT HAND.

NOW, WE HAVE
TO MOVE ON ...

TO WHAT I LIKE
TO CALL "PLAN B."

LET'S GET MOVING.

[ Harmony ] ALL RIGHT,
ANOTHER SCAM !

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW
PLEASED THEY WERE ...

WITH YOUR
PERFORMANCE YESTERDAY.

IT'S JUST FANTASTIC HOW WELL
BLAKE'S COSTUMES FIT YOU.

I WAS READING THE SCRIPT,
AND I'M A BIT CONCERNED --
ABOUT WHAT ?

THAT FATE DROPPED A LEAD
RIGHT INTO YOUR LAP ?

WHAT SHOULD WE DO
ABOUT THE BEARD ?

LEAVE IT.
LOSE IT.

UNTIL I KNOW
IF I WANT TO DO THIS.

WHAT ?

WHAT A KIDDER !

DON'T YOU JUST
LOVE THIS GUY ?

CHEMISTRY.
I CAN FEEL IT.

CAN YOU FEEL IT ?

CAN YOU ?

YES, YOU CAN.

HERE YOU GO.

TAKE REAL GOOD
CARE OF THIS.

ME AND
FATHER CHRISTMAS ...

ARE GOING TO
DIAMOND WORLD PICTURES,

WHERE WE WILL SUCCESSFULLY
COMPLETE OUR MISSION.

[ Ernest ]
YOU GONNA BE OKAY ?
I'LL BE FINE.

WE'RE GONNA GO FIND
JOE AT THE STUDIO.

[ Hoofs Tapping ]

OKAY, CALL ME CAUTIOUS
IF YOU WANT TO,

BUT BETTER
SAFE THAN SORRY.

OKAY, WHAT'S
IN THE TRUCK ?

IS THIS WHERE THE
HORROR MOVIE FOLK BE ?

WHAT ?

I GOT A TRUCKLOAD
OF SNAKES ...

FOR THEM
HORROR MOVIE FOLK.

WELL, I'D BETTER
TAKE A LOOK.
[ Rattle, Rattle ]

CAREFUL NOW,
THEY BE POISON.

POISON SNAKES.

ONE MINUTE,
YOU'RE A BIG ...

STRAPPIN' HEALTHY MAN,
AND THE NEXT ...

SSSSNAP !

YOU'RE DEAD MEAT !
DEEP SIX.

[ Rattle, Rattle ]

CAREFUL, NOW.

THEY'LL
KNOT UP ON YA.

THEM POISON SNAKES
WILL DO THAT.

GONNA GET 'EM
ALL RILED UP.

[ Rattle, Rattle ]

WHEN THEY GET KNOTTED UP
ON YOU LIKE THAT,

THEY GET REAL CRAZY.

ESPECIALLY ON A DAY
LIKE TODAY ...

WHEN IT'S REAL HOT.

HUH !

YOU WANT ONE
FOR YOUR BOY ?

I GAVE ONE TO
MY BOY LAST YEAR.

* ROCK OF AGES
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

JUST TAKE THE TRUCK
OVER TO STAGE 5.

* CLEFT FOR ME

* LET ME HIDE

* MYSELF IN THEE *

THAT'S ALL THESE
MOVIE PEOPLE WANT.

POISON !

OKAY.

NO.

SHE SAID "NO."

[ Whistles ]

[ Whistles ]

[ Indistinct Conversation ]

QUIET !

[ Director ] OKAY,
EVERYBODY, READY ?

ROLL
PLAYBACK.

OKAY, ROLL,
PLEASE.

CHRISTMAS SLEIGH TEST.
SCENE 94. TAKE ONE.

AND MARK.

READY
AND ACTION.

[ Girl ] CAN WE SLEEP
WITH THE LIGHT ON TONIGHT ?

[ Joe ] I THINK WE CAN
SPARE THE ELECTRICITY.

NOW OFF TO BED
WITH BOTH OF YOU !

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE
AWAKE WHEN SANTA ARRIVES.

COME ON,
OFF YOU GO.

OKAY, THE KIDS
ARE GONE.

IT'S TIME TO
SET OUT THE TOYS.

YOU'RE BUBBLING OVER
WITH THE, UH --

CHRISTMAS
SPIRIT.
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

THEN YOU
HEAR SOMETHING.

WHAT IS IT ?
YOU DON'T KNOW.

IT'S OUTSIDE
THE DOOR.

YEAH, OKAY.

NOW, IT MIGHT BE --

OLD SAINT
NICK.
OLD SAINT NICK.

SHOULD YOU
OPEN THE DOOR ?

OR NOT ?

ROARRR !
[ Crash ]

ROARRR !
DIE, YOU SON
OF A --

SON OF A --

CUT.

CUT !

IS THERE
A PROBLEM, JOE ?

WELL, I SORT OF
CAN'T SAY THAT.

THE KIDS ARE
RIGHT OVER THERE.

IT'S NOTHING THEY
HAVEN'T HEARD BEFORE.

NOT FROM ME.

LISTEN, JOEY.

WE'RE NOT INTO GRATUITOUS
BAD LANGUAGE HERE.

IT'S IMPORTANT
YOU SHOW YOUR ANGER.

OTHERWISE, IT'S
TOTALLY UNMOTIVATED ...

WHEN YOU PICK UP THE AXE
AND HACK HIM TO PIECES.

GOOD
HEAVENS !

WHO'S THIS ?
OH, NO.

JOE, I THOUGHT THIS
MOTION PICTURE ...

WAS CALLED
"CHRISTMAS SLEIGH."

I CAN HANDLE THIS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

I OWN A SLEIGH.

I DON'T SEE WHAT
THIS HAS TO DO WITH --

NO, NO.

"SLAY, SLAY."

NOT "SLEIGH,"
BUT "SLAY."

S-L-A-Y.

WHAT ?

IT'S ABOUT AN ALIEN
FROM OUTER SPACE.

HE COMES AND TERRORIZES A BUNCH
OF KIDS OVER CHRISTMAS VACATION.

TERRORIZES CHILDREN,
DID YOU SAY ?

AT CHRISTMAS TIME ?

WHERE DID
HE COME FROM ?

[ Indistinct Conversation ]

WE NEVER SAW
HIM BEFORE, GUYS.

HONEST.

LISTEN, MARTY,

THE GUY SEEMS BOUND
AND DETERMINED ...

TO TALK TO ME.

LET ME SIT DOWN WITH HIM
FOR A FEW MINUTES,

LET HIM GET WHATEVER HE
HAS TO SAY OFF HIS CHEST,

AND THEN I'LL
SEND HIM ON HIS WAY.

I PROMISE.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT ?

FLYING REINDEER ?

WE'RE WITH THE
ANIMAL CONTROL AGENCY.

YOU GUYS SAY YOU HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH REINDEER ?

[ Stamp, Stamp ]

COME ON, GUYS,
WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.

WHAT'S THE
PROBLEM, HUH ?

[ Hoofs Tapping ]

WHAT THE --
OH, FLYI ...

REINDEER.

UM, THAT'S
NOT US.
NO.

YOU NEED
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL.

YEAH, AIR
TRAFFIC CONTROL.

FROM THIS LONGITUDE,
YOU MUST LEAVE BY 7:00.

ANY LATER, AND YOU'LL
RUN INTO DAYLIGHT ...

BEFORE YOU GET
TO THE END OF THE TRIP.

SO, I'VE
ARRANGED --
HOLD IT.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT EVERY
CHILD IN THE WHOLE WORLD ...

IN ONE NIGHT.

NO, YOU SEE,
MANY OF THEM ...

HOLD CULTURAL BELIEFS THAT
DON'T INCLUDE SANTA CLAUS.

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW MANY
CHILDREN ARE IN THE WORLD ?

1,789,635,142.

WELL, THAT'S
A BALLPARK FIGURE.

IF I'M GOING TOO QUICK,
JUST SAY SO.

[ Car Horn ]

[ Jingle ]

[ Zing ]

MA-MA, MA-MA.

COME ON.

SOMEBODY MUST HAVE
ASKED FOR SOMETHING GOOD;

A STEREO,
SOME JEWELRY.

HEY, YOU !
YEAH ?

IS THIS
YOUR TRUCK ?
YUP.

ARE YOU THE
SNAKE GUY ?
YEAH.

OKAY, BOYS,

BRING 'EM ON
OVER HERE.

[ Hiss, Hiss ]

YEAH, THANKS.

I'LL COUNT
'EM LATER.

[ Rattle, Hiss ]

EWW-HEWW.

LISTEN, YOU SEEM TO BE
VERY MUCH INTO THIS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST CONTINUE
BEING SANTA CLAUS YOURSELF ?

NOTHING WOULD GIVE
ME MORE PLEASURE.

BUT JOE, WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT IS A TORCH;

A BRIGHT, SHINING TORCH,
THAT IS CARRIED FOR AWHILE ...

AND THEN PASSED ON
TO ANOTHER.

IF IT'S NOT
PASSED ON,

THE FLAME
FLICKERS AND DIES.

YOU KNOW, I'VE CARRIED THIS
TORCH FOR MORE SEASONS ...

THAN I SHOULD
HAVE DONE.

BECAUSE I LOVED
IT SO MUCH.

BUT NOW, I'VE TAKEN
TO MAKING NOTES.

WELL, YOU CAN'T
DO IT THAT WAY.

IT SHOULDN'T
BE DONE THAT WAY.

IT CAN' BE
DONE THAT WAY.

IT'S TIME
FOR SOMEONE NEW.

IT'S TIME
FOR YOU, JOE.

[ Zing ]

AHH,
MORE KID STUFF.

I NEED MORE TIME.

HOW'D IT GO ?

I DON'T THINK I'D RIDE
BACK THERE IF I WERE YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU RIDE UP
HERE WITH ME, OKAY ?

[ Rattle ]

OHHH.

DID YOU GET
RID OF HIM ?

UH, YEAH.
YEAH, I DID.

[ Santa ] I FEEL AS
LIGHT AS A BUBBLE, MY BOY.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT A RELIEF THIS IS.

NOW, I MUST PICK
UP THE SACK,

THEN GO TO THE
CHILDREN'S MUSEUM ...

WHERE I'VE ARRANGED
TO MEET JOE.

HE MUST LEAVE
BY 7:00 AT THE LATEST.

WHAT ABOUT THE SLEIGH
AND THE 8 TINY REINDEER ?

THEY'RE AT THE AIRPORT WAITING
FOR MY HELPERS TO PICK THEM UP.

YOU WANT TO GO FROM
THE AIRPORT ...

TO DOWNTOWN
AT RUSH-HOUR ?

YES. IS THERE
A PROBLEM ?

THEY'LL BE BUNCHED IN THERE
LIKE CATERPILLARS ...

OR SNAKES !
AHHH !

OH, HI.
BETTER GET
MOVING.

IT'S TIME FOR THE
3 MUSKETEERS TO SADDLE UP ...

AND RIDE TO GLORY.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

I-I-I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK, UM --

I THINK I'VE GOT
SOMETHING ELSE TO DO.

I'M JUST GONNA
GET MY STUFF.

YOU BETTER
CHECK IT OUT.

WHY ?

WELL,
CALL IT ...

A FIFTH SENSE.
CALL IT ...

A FLASH
OF INTERMISSION,

BUT I'VE GOT THIS FEELING DEEP
DOWN IN THE HEART OF MY BOTTOM.

OH, I SEE.

SHE COULDN'T DO
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

STILL, I'D FEEL
A WHOLE LOT BETTER ...

IF WE LOOKED
IN THE SACK.

[ Giggles ]

AH, WOULD YOU PUT
THIS IN THE PICKUP ?

SURE.

TRUST PEOPLE.

IT PAYS OFF MORE OFTEN
THAN YOU THINK.

[ Ernest ]
ARE YOU READY TO GO ?

ME ?

UM, NO.

I'VE GOT TO MEET
MY COUSIN, YOU KNOW.

SHE'S HERE IN TOWN,
AND SHE CALLED ME.

SHE SAID SHE HAD
SOME CLOTHES FOR ME.

SO I'M GOING TO GO
AND TRY 'EM ON, YOU KNOW ?

SEE IF THEY
FIT AND STUFF.

I'LL SEE
YOU LATER.

BYE.

WISH US LUCK.

OH, YEAH.
LUCK.

BYE.

[ Jingle ]

THERE YOU GO.
DOOR TO DOOR SERVICE.

THIS LOOKS LIKE THE
RIGHT PLACE OVER HERE.

SANTA, I'VE GOT
TO GET GOING.

YOUR BOYS ARE FACING
RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC.

I'VE GOT TO MAKE SURE
THEY GET YOU-KNOW-WHAT ...

OVER TO YOU-KNOW-WHERE
BY YOU-KNOW-WHEN.

[ Chuckles ]
YEAH.

[ Knock, Knock]

JOE ?

JOE, ARE
YOU HOME ?

YEAH. JUST
A SECOND.

HOW DID YOU
FIND MY HOUSE ?

WELL, IT COMES
WITH THE JOB.

WHAT ?

WHAT DID YOU
DO TO YOURSELF ?

IF YOU
MUST KNOW,

I NEEDED TO TURN
THE CLOCK BACK.

WELL, I SHALL
HAVE TO FIGURE OUT ...

HOW TO DEAL
WITH THIS.

WE CAN TALK ON OUR WAY
TO THE CHILDREN'S MUSEUM.

LOOK,

YOU KNOW,

I REALLY DON'T
KNOW HOW TO ...

DEAL WITH
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

COME WITH ME.
I WILL PROVE TO YOU --

WHY ME ? WHY NOT PICK
ON SOMEBODY ELSE ?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE
THE QUALITIES;

THE UNDERSTANDING
OF CHILDREN.

YOU HAVE
THE MAGIC ...

INSIDE YOU.

WHAT'S THIS
SUPPOSED TO BE ?

MY MAGIC
SACK OF TOYS ?

LOOK, IT'S JUST
FEATHERS !

I KNOW IT'S
FEATHERS !

THE REAL SACK
WAS TAKEN.

I HAVE ABSOLUTE FAITH
THAT IT WILL BE RETURNED.

AT THE CHILDREN'S
MUSEUM, RIGHT ?

THANKS.

NO, THANKS.

LOOK,

I HAVE AN
APPOINTMENT TO KEEP ...

WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT
TO GIVE ME MORE THAN JUST,

YOU KNOW,
FEATHERS.

JOE,

SEARCH YOUR HEART.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING
THAT CAN CONVINCE YOU ...

OF THE TRUTH.

IN A WAY,
I WISH THERE WAS,

BUT I HAVEN'T
SEEN IT YET.

HOW FAR WILL
THIS GET ME ?

WHERE DO YOU
WANT TO GO ?

DOESN'T MATTER.

ANYWHERE ...

AWAY FROM HERE.

PROBABLY
GET YOU TO MIAMI;

LEAVES ABOUT 6:40.

THERE'S
NOTHING SOONER ?

NOT ON
CHRISTMAS EVE.

ALL RIGHT.

ARE WE GONNA
MISS SANTA ?

NO, HONEY.

HE ONLY BRINGS YOU
PRESENTS IF YOU'RE GOOD.

[ Mother ]
BOBBY, SIT DOWN HERE !

EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU TELL ME
IF THIS BUS GOES DOWNTOWN ?

ALL THE WAY
TO THE TRAIN STATION.

THANK YOU.

HEY, YOU LOOK LIKE
SOMETHING'S AWFULLY WRONG.

MISJUDGED SOMEBODY,
THAT'S ALL.

WELL, YOU CAN'T JUDGE
A BOOK BY ITS COVER.

NO WAY.

OH, WELL,

IF I COULD BE WRONG
ABOUT ONE PERSON,

I GUESS I COULD
BE WRONG ABOUT ANOTHER.

[ Whoosh ]
BOBBY, SEE THAT ONE
RIGHT THERE ?

[ Whoosh ]
RIGHT THERE !
FIFTY LAPS !

NOW, THE WAY
I'VE GOT IT FIGURED,

[ Whoosh ]
THESE RASCALS ...

ARE WARMING UP
FOR SOMETHING REAL BIG.

[ P.A. Announcer ]
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.
ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL ...

OF EASTERN AIRLINES FLIGHT 835
FROM TORONTO AT GATE 21-A.

[ Ernest ]
HEY, FELLAS, THE
SLEIGH'S DOWN HERE.

LOOK NOW, FELLAS,

I'VE GOT TO HAVE
THOSE REINDEER ...

AT THE CHILDREN'S MUSEUM,
LIKE 5 MINUTES AGO.

KNOW WHAT
I MEAN ?

YOUR NAME ELMES ?

ERNEST.

YOUR NAME
AIN'T ELMES ?

NO, ERNEST.

ERNEST.

WELL, EH, ERNEST,
WE'VE BEEN HOLDING ...

THESE FLEABAGS FOR
A FELLOW NAMED ELMES.

NOW, WE GOT SOME
REAL GOOD QUESTIONS,

AND HE BETTER HAVE
SOME REAL GOOD ANSWERS.

LOOK, FELLAS, YOU GOT
TO HELP ME OUT HERE.

FIRST, LET ME ASK YOU
ONE QUESTION.

DO YOU BELIEVE
IN SANTA CLAUS ?

FOR SOME REASON, I KNEW
THAT THIS QUESTION ...

WAS GOING
TO COME UP.

WELCOME TO
ORLANDO.

NEXT, PLEASE.

NEXT IN LINE,
PLEASE.

NEXT IN LINE,
PLEASE.

WHY NOT ?

IT'S CHRISTMAS,
AIN'T IT ?

THANKS, SKIPPY.

NO, NO, NO.

I GOT NO WAYBILL.
I GOT NO ...

SECOND PARTY
PICK UP RELEASE.

I GOT NO CUSTOMS
QUARANTINE WAIVER.

WELL, THEN, YOU
AIN'T GOT NO REINDEER,

'CAUSE WE'RE SAVING THEM
FOR A FELLOW NAMED HELPER ELMES.

HELPER ELVES.

YOU GOT
AN I.D. ?

[ Together ]
TA DA !

WELL, THAT
OUGHT TO DO IT.

WE DON'T HAVE
TIME TO LOSE.

OKAY, FELLAS,
MOVE 'EM OUT !

[ Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh ]

OH !

OKAY, EVERYBODY
ON BOARD !

I WILL NOT
ALLOW US ...

TO MISS OUR
R-R-RENDEZVOUS ...

WITH DESTINY.

FRONT SEAT !
SHOTGUN !

OW !

[ Truck Engine ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Ernest ]
WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT
ON THE FREEWAY,

BUT FORTUNATELY,

I KNOW A
SHORTCUT.

I'VE BEEN
THIS WAY BEFORE.

OH, NO.
THE GATE'S CLOSED.

IT'S NOT
WHO YOU KNOW,

IT'S WHAT
YOU KNOW.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?
[ Click ]

DON'T BLOW IT,
ELROD.

WE GOT LOTS
AT STAKE HERE.

[ Ernest ]
TRUST ME.

[ Pop ]

[ Groan ]

GOOD NIGHT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WELL, EVERYONE ELSE HAS
FAMILIES TO GO HOME TO.

I VOLUNTEERED
TO STAY LATE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[ Announcer ]
THE 6:40 TO MIAMI,
ARRIVING ON TIME.

[ Girl ]
MOMMA, HOW DOES SANTA
CARRY ALL HIS PRESENTS ?

[ Mother ]
IN HIS SACK.
[ Girl ]
HOW DO THEY ALL FIT ?

[ Mother ]
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE
IT'S SOME SORT OF MAGIC.

YOU DON'T STILL BELIEVE
IN THAT STUFF, DO YOU ?

WELL, THERE YOU GO.
I MESSED THINGS UP, LIKE ALWAYS.

ONLY NOW, I MESSED UP
CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYBODY.

MY FAVORITE
TIME OF YEAR,

AND I BLEW IT !

IF SANTA
WERE HERE,

HE'D KNOW
WHAT TO DO.

YEAH ?
WHAT WOULD HE DO ?

[ Grunt, Grunt ]

[ Snap ]

I'VE GOT IT !

UH-OH, BIG RED
AIN'T GOING TO LIKE THIS.

WELL, I SEE NO NEED
TO BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.

WE KNOW WHY
WE'RE HERE.

JOE, WE WANT YOU
TO DO THE PICTURE.

WE ALL DO.

RIGHT GUYS ?

THESE REFLECT THE
FIGURES THAT WE DISCUSSED.

KEEP IN MIND, THIS KIND OF FILM
USUALLY GENERATES SEQUELS.

"CHRISTMAS SLAY 2-3-4."

GREAT.
IT'S GREAT.

LOOK,
BEFORE WE SIGN,

I NEED TO GO OVER
A FEW PROBLEMS ...

I HAVE WITH
THE SCRIPT.

PROBLEMS ?

CAN'T WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT
THE VIOLENCE AND BAD LANGUAGE ?

WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE ?

YOU CAN'T DICTATE
CHANGES TO ME.

YOU'RE NOT
A STAR.

YOU'VE DONE A
KID SHOW ALL YOUR LIFE.

IT GOT CANCELLED.

ALL YOU KNOW IS
"PLEASE" AND "THANK YOU."

GET WITH IT.
THIS IS THE REAL WORLD !

[ Snort, Snort ]

[ Ernest ]
OKAY, FASTEN
YOUR SEAT BELTS.

PUT YOUR TRAY TABLES
AND SEATS IN THEIR ...

FULL, UPRIGHT,
AND LOCKED POSITIONS.

IT'S TIME TO SLIP THE
SURLY BONDS OF EARTH ...

AND DANCE THE SKIES ON
LAUGHTER'S SILVERED WINGS.

OH, BROTHER.

OKAY,
GIDDY UP.

[ Snort ]

AMERICAN 2-6-5,
YOU ARE CLEAR TO TAXI.

I GOT AN EASTERN L-10-11
HOLDING ON RAMP FOUR.

WHAT ?

AIRPORT SECURITY,

I HAVE AN UNAUTHORIZED
VEHICLE ON RUNWAY 2-7 LEFT.

ANCHORS AWEIGH ?

AH, MAY THE
FORCE BE WITH YOU.

[ Sirens ]

NOW, DASHER !

NOW, DANCER !

NOW, PRANCER !
NOW, VIXEN !

ON, COMET !
ON, CUPID !

ON, DONDER !

UH, SQUEAKY.
UH, SQUISH.

DOPEY, GRUMPY --

BLISTER.

BLITZEN !

THAT'S GOOD.
BLITZEN !

OH-H-H !

[ Squeals ]

[ Screams ]

HE'S GOING TO KILL US !

DON'T YOU WORRY,
MY LITTLE GHERKIN BUDDIES.

THE VEHICLE AIN'T BEEN
MADE THAT I CAN'T DRIVE.

AH-H-H !

[ Screams And Squeals ]

[ Ernest ]
I NEED OXYGEN.

AH-H-H !

IT'S GOING WEST !

NO, SOUTH.

HE'S ALL OVER
THE SCREEN.

[ Screams ]

HIT THE ALTITUDE
LIMITER SWITCH, BOZO !

ALTITUDE
LIMITER SWITCH.

IS THAT IT ?

THE BRAKE, BOZO !
THE BRAKE !

YEAH, THE BRAKE.

OH ! OH !

AH-H-H !
AH-H-H !

AH-H-H !

[ Screams ]

WE'RE ALL
GONNA DIE !

[ Screams ]

SO, DID YOU EVER
FIND YOUR SACK ?

YES.

IT WAS
TAKEN AGAIN.

BY WHOM ?

A LITTLE GIRL CALLED
PAMELA TRENTON.

SHY,

ALWAYS AFRAID TO SIT
ON SANTA'S KNEE,

ALWAYS WONDERING
IF HIS BEARD WERE REAL.

SMART, THOUGH.

QUICK-WITTED.

I WONDER
WHAT HAPPENED ...

TO THAT GIRL,
ANYWAY.

[ Santa ]
I WONDER IF THERE'S ANY
OF THAT LITTLE GIRL LEFT.

UNLESS, AT AGE 51, YOU
HAVE ANY BETTER OFFERS,

AND I'M SURE YOU DON'T,
I SUGGEST YOU SIGN THIS,

AND WE GET BACK
TO MAKING MOVIES.

[ Jingle, Jingle ]

JOE, WHAT
IS WITH YOU ?

[ Jingle ]

IT'S HIM.

I'M HIM.

WHO'S HIM ?

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
EVERYBODY !

JOE, WHERE
ARE YOU GOING ?

[ Ernest ]
I TOLD YOU I COULD FLY THIS
THING. PIECE OF CAKE.

LEVEL IT OUT,
BUBBLE-HEAD !

THAT CAN'T BE ONE
OF OUR BOYS, CAN IT ?

NO, SIR.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT IS.

GUESS WE BETTER
SCRAMBLE 'EM.

[ Siren ]

BOGEY AT
9:00 !

UH-OH, HARD BALL !

TARGET ENTERING
RED ZONE.

IF THEY ENTER
CAPE CANAVERAL AIRSPACE,

TERMINATE WITH
EXTREME PREJUDICE.

[ Elf ]
THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER.

[ Ernest ]
ALL PASSENGERS
RETURN TO YOUR SEATS.

[ Elf ]
INCOMING !
INCOMING !

[ As John Wayne ]
WELL, HANG ONTO YOUR
LEDERHOSEN, RAZOR EARS.

WE'RE GOING TO DROP
UNDER THEIR RADAR.

[ Elf ]
LET ME AT HIM !

- I'M GOING TO KILL HIM !
- NOT YET, WE'RE GOING DOWN !

[ Screams ]

HO, HO, HO !
MERRY CHRISTMAS !

HA ! HA ! HA !

I'VE LOST
HIM, SIR.

CHECK YOUR
EQUIPMENT.

THEY COULDN'T
VANISH !

[ Train Horn ]

BUT IF SANTA GOES
TO OUR OLD HOUSE --

I FORGOT SOMETHING.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
THERE'S NO SANTA CLAUS.

WHERE DO YOU GET OFF ?
DON'T SAY THAT TO HER.

THERE IS A SANTA
AND THIS IS HIS MAGIC SACK.

IF THAT'S SANTA'S SACK,
WHY DO YOU HAVE IT ?

[ Announcer ]
ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL OF THE
6:40 CHRISTMAS EXPRESS --

[ Ernest ]
THIS IS YOUR PILOT.
WE'RE EXPERIENCING TURBULENCE.

WHAT'S THIS ?

[ Screams ]

COME ON !

YOU KNOW,

I HAVEN'T BELIEVED
IN SANTA CLAUS SINCE --

JANUARY 17, 1931.

YOUR SMART-ALECK SISTER
THOUGHT IT WAS TIME ...

YOU LEARNED THE
QUOTE UNQUOTE TRUTH.

I'M SO SORRY
YOU GOT BUSTED.

[ Chuckles ]
OH !

[ Jingle ]

WELCOME BACK,

PAMELA.

I'M SORRY.

I NEVER DOUBTED YOU'D
DO THE RIGHT THING.

REALLY ?

YEAH.

JUST A LITTLE
BIT OF DOUBT.

I JUST GOT TO
THINKING ABOUT YOU ...

AND ERNEST,

AND JUST A WHOLE
BUNCH OF THINGS.

I THINK I REALLY GOT
THINGS FIGURED OUT.

I EVEN
CALLED MY MOM,

AND I'M
GOING HOME.

I'M SURE SHE WAS
WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

YEAH, ESPECIALLY WHEN
I TOLD HER WHO I WAS WITH.

HA ! HA !

I TOLD YOU I COULD
HANDLE THIS BABY.

WE'RE NOT GOING
TO MAKE IT !

DON'T WORRY,
WE'LL MAKE IT.

I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE
IN THE FAST LANE.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

DON'T TOUCH THAT !

WHAT'S THE
PROBLEM ?

AH-H-H !

IT'S JOE.

YOU CAME.

YEAH. THE JOB
STILL OPEN ?

FOR THE RIGHT MAN,
IT IS.

NICE THREADS !

HOW DO I LOOK ?

LIKE THE
REAL THING.

YOU LOOK
WONDERFUL, JOE,

OH, SANTA.

WELL,

I GUESS I
BETTER GET GOING.

YOU PROBABLY
NEED THIS.

I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS,
'CAUSE NOBODY ELSE DOES.

BY THE WAY,
MY NAME'S HARMONY STARR.

NO IT'S NOT.
IT'S PAMELA TRENTON;

1724 HAMPTON AVENUE,
BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA.

HOW DID
I KNOW THAT ?

YOU'LL FIND YOU
KNOW A LOT OF THINGS.

OH, MY GOODNESS,
3-MINUTES TO 7:00.

WHERE'S
THE SLEIGH ?

THE SLEIGH ?

I THOUGHT
YOU HAD IT.

[ Chuckles ]

WHOA !

WHOA !

WHOA !

AH-H-H !

YOU TOLD ME IF
I BECAME SANTA,

I COULD
PERFORM MIRACLES.

WERE YOU KIDDING
OR WAS THAT REAL ?

OH, NO. IT'S REAL,
ALL RIGHT,

BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT
YOU CAN DO ABOUT THIS;

ERNEST, THE SLEIGH,
AND ALL THAT.

AND YET,

MAYBE THERE IS
SOMETHING YOU CAN DO.

I MET A VERY NICE FELLOW
AT THE AIRPORT ...

WHO SAID HE WANTED
SNOW FOR CHRISTMAS.

[ Sigh ]

LET'S GIVE
IT A TRY.

CAN HE REALLY
DO THAT ?

IF ANYBODY CAN.

[ Howling Wind ]

WHAT'S
GOING ON ?

CHRISTMAS
IS GOING ON.

[ Chuckles ]

IT FEELS
LIKE CHRISTMAS.

THIS IS GREAT !

[ Harmony ]
IT'S SNOWING IN ORLANDO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I DON'T CARE
IF IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

WE CLOSE THE DEAL
TONIGHT OR NOT AT ALL.

IT'S SNOWING;

JUST LIKE HOME.

HA ! HA ! HA !

LOOK, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME
AND STAY WITH YOUR FAMILY ?

WE'LL SETTLE
THE DEAL LATER,

AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[ Screams ]

[ Crank ]

[ Screech ]

NOBODY MOVES,
NOBODY DIES.

AH-AH-AH-CHOO !

AH-H-H-H !

I DON'T THINK ERNEST
IS GOING TO MAKE IT.

THIS IS THE 2nd JOB
I'VE LOST TONIGHT.

[ Screams ]

SLOW DOWN-N-N-N !

AIR BRAKES !
HA ! HA ! HA !

ERNEST,
WELL DONE !

BRAVO,
ERNEST !

WHOA ! WHOA !

HIYA, FOLKS !

ERNEST P. WORRELL,
AERIAL TAXI, AT YOUR SERVICE.

ERNEST, YOU
FLEW THE SLEIGH ?

WE TOLD
HIM NOT TO.

THAT'S TERRIFIC !

BUT WE THOUGHT IT
WAS A GREAT IDEA.

IT'S ALL YOURS,
JOE.

YOU BETTER
GET GOING.

WELL, I'M GOING
TO GO HOME,

SO I GUESS I'M NOT
GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

[ As John Wayne ]
KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN,
LITTLE LADY.

I'M GOING TO MISS YOU,
TOO, ERNEST.

WELL, JOE, I GUESS
THESE ARE YOURS NOW.

WATCH IT ON THE CURVES.
IT VEERS A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT.

BYE, FELLAS.

[ Together ]
SEE YA.

[ Joe ]
IS THERE ANYWHERE
IN THE BOOK ...

THAT SAYS I CAN'T HAVE
A DRIVER FOR 1 NIGHT ?

NOWHERE
AT ALL.

[ Santa ]
I THINK IT'S
A FINE IDEA.

[ Joe ]
HOW 'BOUT IT,
ERNEST ?

YOU'VE HAD A LOT MORE
SEAT TIME THAN I HAVE.

I KNEW THEY'D COME
TO THEIR SENSES.

I AM PROBABLY THE
BEST MAN FOR THE JOB.

AFTER ALL, I AM
ERNEST P. WORRELL,

THRILL DRIVER !

DO YOU THINK WE COULD USE
AN HONORARY ELF ?

SURE.

[ Joe ]
WHY NOT ?
ALL RIGHT !

LET'S GET THESE
PUPPIES PUMPING,

AND START SPREADING
THAT CHRISTMAS CHEER.

NOW, DASHER; NOW, DANCER;
NOW, PRANCER; NOW, VIXEN;

ON, COMET;
ON, CUPID;

ON DONDER; AND --

[ Everyone ]
BLITZEN !

OH, YEAH.
BLITZEN.

AH-H-H-H !

OH, BY THE WAY, WE HAVEN'T
BEEN FORMALLY INTRODUCED.

MY NAME IS
MARY MORRISSEY.

WELL, ONCE UPON A TIME
I WAS CALLED,

SETH APPLEGATE.

I GUESS
I AM, AGAIN.

SO, ARE YOU DOING
ANYTHING TONIGHT ?

NOT A THING.

WE'LL THINK
OF SOMETHING.

[ Chuckles ]

HO, HO, HO !
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[ Harmony ]
ALL RIGHT !

SEE THAT ? I DON'T WANT
ANY TROUBLE FROM YOU THIS TIME.

THAT IS A "E."
"F."

"E."
"F."

"E."
"F."

"E."
"F."

LOOK, THAT IS,
"E. BUNNY."

"F."

[ Smash ]

[ Shrieks ]