Original subtitles

FROZEN IN A TIME AND SPACE DIVIDE

BUT HOW WOULD

THE UNIVERSE SURVIVE?

DUCK DODGERS OF THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY

PROTECTING THE POWERLESS AND THE WEAK

DUCK DODGERS IS FIGHTING TYRANNY

IN THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY

- THE WAR BETWEEN EARTH AND MARS

HAS BEEN RAGING FOR OVER 200 YEARS.

- BUT TODAY, THERE'S NEW HOPE

THAT THE CONFLICT MAY FINALLY BE COMING TO AN END.

GOOD EVENING. I'M SKYE FALLING.

- AND I'M WALTER CARBONITE COMING TO YOU LIVE

FROM THE ASTEROID NEUTRALIA

WHERE LEADERS FROM EARTH AND MARS

ARE GATHERED TO SIGN THIS HISTORIC PEACE TREATY.

- DIGNITARIES FROM AROUND THE UNIVERSE

HAVE COME TO WITNESS THE BIG EVENT,

INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT OF SPACE

ALONG WITH HIS LOVELY FIRST LADY MRS. SPACE.

THERE'S CAPTAIN STAR JOHNSON.

SECRETARY OF THE STRATOSPHERE DR. I.Q. HI

ALONG WITH HIS PSYCHOANALYST BROTHER DR. PSY-Q HI.

AND OTHER GOVERNMENT BIGWIGS.

- (MURMURING)

- AND REPRESENTING THE ANGRY RED PLANET,

QUEEN TEERA NEE OF MARS.

- ACCOMPANIED BY COMMANDER X-2,

WHOSE RISE TO POWER HAS BEEN RECENTLY ECLIPSED

BY A NEW SHINING STAR--

THE QUEEN'S NEW SECRETARY OF WAR AND PEACE,

GENERAL Z-9.

Z-9 IS NOT ONLY THE LEADER OF THE MARTIAN MILITARY

AND AUTHOR OF THE PEACE TREATY,

BUT ACCORDING TO THE RUMOR MILL,

HE'S ALSO ON THE FAST TRACK

TO BEING THE QUEEN'S NEW CONSORT.

- HMM, NO-GOOD, TWO-FACED,

SOCIAL-CLIMBING SNAKE IN THE GRASS.

YOUR MAJESTY.

- YOU DON'T LIKE HIM, DO YOU?

- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT, YOUR HIGHNESS.

I LIKE HIM IN A WAY.

IN A GEE-I-CAN'T-WAIT-TO-GO- TO-HIS-FUNERAL SORT OF WAY.

(FANFARE)

- WHERE ARE THE PENS?

- THE PENS?

- DODGERS, WHERE ARE YOU?

- YOU COULDN'T LET IT GO, COULD YOU?

YOU JUST HAD TO D-D-DICKER OVER THE PRICE.

- IT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY.

THEY SELL THE PENS CHEAP,

THEN THEY GOUGE YOU ON THE INK.

IT'S A TOTAL RACKET.

- M-MAYBE, B-B-BUT THAT'S NO REASON

TO CALL THEIR LEADER A B-B-BANANA-NOSED,

NOSTRILIAN N-N-NUGGETEER.

- DODGERS, WHAT'S KEEPING YOU AND THOSE CEREMONIAL PENS?

- WE'RE ON OUR WAY, I.Q.

STRAP YOURSELF IN, CADET.

ANOTHER ENEMY THWARTED.

- ONCE THAT TREATY'S SIGNED,

WE WON'T HAVE MANY ENEMIES.

T-T-THERE WILL BE PEACE IN SPACE.

WON'T THAT BE FANTAS-- D-D-D--FANTAS--D-D-D--

WON'T THAT BE NICE?

- I GUESS.

BUT IF THERE'S PEACE,

THE DEFENSE BUDGET

WILL BE CUT.

THERE WILL BE LAYOFFS, DOWNSIZING.

I COULD LOSE MY JOB.

BOOTED FROM THE SERVICE.

FORCED TO SCROUNGE FOR WHATEVER

MEASLY CIVIL SERVANT JOB

I CAN FIND!

DUH, YOUR VEHICLE AIN'T GOT NO SMOG INSPECTION STICKER.

NEXT.

THIS PEACE TREATY SCENARIO

MAY BE A PROBLEMO

FOR ONE LITTLE BLACK DUCK.

(BEEP BEEP)

(CHUCKLING)

- BUCKET HEAD.

- EARTH CREATURE.

- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

COULD TODAY MARK THE END OF OUR MUTUAL HATRED?

- HIGHLY UNLIKELY, DODGERS.

WHETHER AT WAR OR IN PEACE,

I SHALL ALWAYS LOATHE YOU.

- YOU SHALL ALWAYS LOVE ME?

- EWW! - I SAID "LOATHE," YOU IDIOT.

- DID NOT. - DID TOO.

- YOU LOVE A DUCK.

- I DO NOT. - DO TOO.

- UH-UH.

- UH-HUH. - UH-UH.

- UH-HUH. AAH!

(FANFARE)

- LET THE SIGNING BEGIN.

- WHAT?

- HMM.

- HMM.

- (CHUCKLING)

- (GASP)

- OH, DEAR.

- COULD IT BE I OVERDID IT A TAD?

- (SCREAMING)

- THIS IS A MOCKERY. AN OUTRAGE.

- OF COURSE YOU KNOW THIS MEANS WAR!

- EH, TSK, TSK, TSK, TSK.

NOW, WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT LINE BEFORE?

- WELL, I-I-IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BACK

TO SPACE OPERA HEROICS FOR US.

- YES. EVER ON ALERT TO PROTECT THE SKYWAYS.

(CLINK)

(SLURPING)

WHAT'S ON THE IDIOT BOX?

- HOPING TO RESURRECT THE PEACE TREATY,

STAR JOHNSON HAS BEEN SENT TO PATCH UP THE RIFT

BETWEEN EARTH AND MARS.

- JOHNSON GETS ALL THE CUSHY ASSIGNMENTS.

- MEANWHILE, THE SECRETARY OF HOME PLANET SECURITY J. EDGAR ASHCAN

IS LEADING THE INVESTIGATION INTO WHAT WENT WRONG.

- I'LL HUNT DOWN THE REPROBATE RESPONSIBLE

FOR THIS PEN FIASCO

AND MAKE HIM PAY

THROUGH THE NOSE!

- THE INVESTIGATION HAS LED

SECRETARY J. EDGAR ASHCAN

TO NOSTRILIA 10.

- UH-OH.

- THERE, THE LOCALS WERE ABLE

TO SNIFF OUT A FEW CLUES.

- WHICH SENT US DOWN AN EXPECTED PATH

TO WHERE WE ARE TODAY.

OPEN UP, DODGERS!

- AAH!

CADET, FIRE UP THE THRUSTERS.

GET US OUT OF HERE!

- B-B-WHY, CAPTAIN?

- WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.

- I WAS AFRAID I'D LOSE MY JOB.

I SABOTAGED THE PENS.

- SABOTAGE?

- SAVE ME, CADET!

IT'S YOUR DUTY

AS A SYCOPHANTIC UNDERLING.

AAH! HA HA HA!

PLEASE!

- DON'T W-W-W-- EH, D-D-DON'T FRET, CAPTAIN.

I'LL TAKE THE BLAME.

I HAVE A SPOTLESS RECORD.

T-T-THEY'RE SURE TO LET ME OFF EASY.

- WHAT A PAL!

MWAH!

MMM, SALTY.

AND NEVER FEAR.

IF THINGS GET HAIRY,

I'LL STICK UP FOR YA.

(LOUD BANGING)

- DUCK DODGERS, I CHARGE YOU WITH--

- HE DID IT. HE DID IT!

(SPLAT)

- TAKE HIM AWAY.

- OH, T-T-THANKS FOR STICKING UP FOR ME.

- OH, RIGHT.

SHOOT. I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

(GAVEL BANGING)

- ORDER IN THE COURT.

THE EAGER YOUNG SPACE CADET HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY

OF INTERGALACTIC SABOTAGE.

CADET, YOU ARE HEREBY SENTENCED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

TO THE JUANTANAGUANAMO BAY PENAL COLONY.

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

- (MURMURING)

- STOP! THIS IS WRONG.

ALL WRONG.

BEGGING THE COURT'S INDULGENCE,

BUT PLEASE, LET ME SPEAK.

I...CONFESS.

- (GASPING AND MURMURING)

- I CONFESS...

THAT I TRIED TO STOP THAT PIG,

BUT WOULD HE LISTEN?

NOOOO.

FOR HE IS A HEADSTRONG HOG.

OH, YES, MY FRIENDS.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO MARKET,

WHERE HE PURCHASED THE INGREDIENTS OF HIS SUBTERFUGE.

THEN THIS LITTLE PIGGY STAYED HOME,

PLOTTING AND SCHEMING.

EVERY NIGHT, THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD ROAST BEEF

WITH MASHED POTATOES, YORKSHIRE PUDDING,

AND SUCCOTASH.

BUT DID HE HAVE A DAILY EXERCISE REGIMEN

TO WORK ON HIS ABS?

NO.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE.

AND NOW HE BEGS FOR MERCY?

WELL, I SAY IT'S TIME FOR THIS LITTLE PIGGY

TO GO "WEE, WEE, WEE" ALL THE WAY HOME

TO PRISON!

- (CHEERING)

- EH, T-T-THANKS FOR THE GREAT DEFENSE, CAPTAIN.

- OH, DEFENSE.

RIGHT.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

- THAT DODGERS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF DYNAMIC PERSONALITY

WHO CAN SALVAGE THE PEACE TREATY.

- MY QUEEN, STAR JOHNSON HAS ARRIVED FROM EARTH.

- YOUR MAJESTY, I AM HERE TO RENEGOTIATE THE PEACE.

- VERY WELL.

- BUT NOT WITH YOU, JOHNSON.

WE'LL NEGOTIATE ONLY WITH HIM--

DUCK DODGERS.

- WELCOME TO JUANTANAGUANAMO BAY PENAL COLONY.

- UHH!

- MEET YOUR CELLMATE, PUNK--

THE ANDROMEDA ANNIHILATOR.

- OOH. TOY PIGGY BANK.

ME MAKE DEPOSIT.

HEE HEE HEE HEE!

- EH, T-T-T-THAT'S ALL, FOLKS.

- EVER SINCE CADET WAS SENT AWAY,

I SEEM SO RUN DOWN, LISTLESS.

- GREAT NEWS, DODGERS. YOU'VE BEEN PROMOTED.

FOR YOUR SEVERAL DAYS

OF MEDIOCRE BUT COMPETENT SERVICE

AND YOUR RECENT STUPEFYING COURTROOM SPEECH,

YOU'VE BEEN PROMOTED TO THE RANK OF REAR ADMIRAL.

- OH, BOY!

A SALARY BOOST.

PERSONAL ASSISTANTS.

THE COOL COSTUME WITH THE FUNNY HAT.

- YOUR PROMOTION WAS INSISTED UPON

BY THE MARTIAN HIGH COMMAND.

GENERAL Z-9 HAS HIS EYE ON YOU.

- AAH! - I LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING

VERY CLOSELY WITH YOU, DODGERS.

- UH, BACK AT YOU, BIG GUY.

- SEE YOU ON MARS TOMORROW,

WHEN YOU AND I WILL SIGN THE PEACE TREATY

BETWEEN OUR WORLDS.

- I THOUGHT THAT WAS STAR JOHNSON'S GIG.

- GENERAL Z-9 REQUESTED YOU, DODGERS.

- TILL THEN, ADMIRAL,

I BID YOU ADIEU.

- A-DOO-DOO.

- THESE ARE THE CODES TO THE EARTH'S

SATELLITE DEFENSE SYSTEM.

SHARE THESE WITH THE MARTIANS ONLY AFTER THE TREATY IS SIGNED.

THE FATE OF THE WORLD RESTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS, DODGERS.

- YOUR FAITH IN ME IS WHAT GIVES ME STRENGTH.

(DIALING)

- ACME TRAVEL AGENCY,

I'D LIKE A TICKET ON YOUR NEXT

FLIGHT TO ALPHA CENTAURI.

ONE WAY OUGHT TO DO IT.

- WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

A VIDEO TRANSMISSION TO COUNSELOR DISH?

HMM.

- INTERPLANETARY CONQUEST IS ON SCHEDULE.

THE EARTHLING DUCK IS AN IMBECILE

WHO WILL UNWITTINGLY SURRENDER HIS PLANET TO MY RULE.

WITH THE MARTIAN QUEEN IN MY THRALL,

BOTH WORLDS WILL SOON BE OURS.

- RINGS OF SATURN! Z-9 IS A TRAITOR.

- WHAT'S THIS?

HAS THE EARTHLING BEEN PLAYING SPY?

NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY, JOHNSON.

WE'LL NEED TO COME UP WITH A SPECIAL PUNISHMENT FOR YOU.

- AAH! AAH! AAH!

UHH.

- OH, DEAR.

- (MURMURING)

- T-T-THANKS FOR STICKING UP FOR ME, CAPTAIN.

T-T-THANKS FOR STICKING UP FOR ME, CAPTAIN.

T-T-THANKS FOR STICKING UP FOR ME, CAPTAIN.

- YAH!

- UGH!

- WHERE'S MY LITTLE PIGGY BANK?

HEE HEE HEE!

- OOH!

- JUMP, CADET! JUMP!

I'LL CATCH YOU. I PROMISE.

- AAH!

(PHONE RINGS)

- HANG ON A SEC.

HELLO?

OH, HI.

NOTHING. HOW ABOUT YOU?

- AAH!

- AAH!

YOU GOT TO HELP ME, DOC.

PLEASE.

I CAN'T SLEEP. I'M UP ALL NIGHT WATCHING 350-YEAR-OLD RERUNS

OF "SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH."

THOUGHTS OF SELF-LOATHING WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

WHAT CAN I DO?

- YOU MUST UNDO THE REASONS

YOU HATE YOURSELF.

- NO. I MEAN ABOUT SABRINA.

I GOT A WICKED CRUSH ON MELISSA JOAN HART.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SELF-LOATHING?

- THAT I SORT OF ENJOY.

- WITH THIS PROCESS, DODGERS,

WE ARE GOING TO LINK OUR MINDS TOGETHER,

AND I WILL TRY TO UNCOVER WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

- (GRUNTING)

- SWEETIES. LADIES. DAMES. CHICKS.

MELISSA JOAN HART.

WHOO, WHOO, WHOO.

WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO!

BABES. HONEYS.

IS MY TOUPEE ON STRAIGHT?

BETRAYED MY BEST FRIEND AND CONDEMNED HIM

TO PAY FOR MY CRIME.

DOLLS. DEARIES.

GIANT HAIRY-NOSED MEN.

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!

I KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS.

- ME, TOO. I NEED A DATE.

- BESIDES THAT.

YOU WILL NOT ENJOY YOUR NEW LIFE

UNTIL YOU HELP YOUR BEST FRIEND.

- MY BEST FRIEND?

ANY IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT, CHUM?

- NOT A CLUE, OLD BEAN.

- WELL, LOOK AT THE LITTLE PIGGY BOY.

EAT YOUR SLOP, PIGGY BOY.

- (GRUNTING) (DISH BREAKS)

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

O-O-ONE HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW--

NO, T-T-TOMORROW--

I'LL EAT TOAST.

B-B-BURN TOAST, DRINK TOAST.

I'LL D-D-DRINK TOAST.

I'LL D-D-DRINK WATER POLO.

POLO PONIES, POLOPONIES.

M-M-M-MONOPOLIES.

CAN YOU SAY POTATO?

I SAY ASBESTOS

WITH MINT JELLY. HA HA.

AND J-J-JERRY MATHERS AS THE BEAVER.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

AYE, YI, YI, YI, YI, YI! YI, YI, YI!

- WHOA!

STEER CLEAR OF THE PIG, DUDE.

HE'S A TOTAL FREAK!

- YOU NEVER WANTED PEACE.

YOUR TREATY IS JUST A SHAM.

- A SUCCESSFUL SHAM.

AND ONCE I GET THOSE DEFENSE PLANS FROM DODGERS,

MARTIAN FORCES WILL CONQUER EARTH.

- THE QUEEN WILL STOP YOU.

- THE QUEEN WILL DO WHAT I TELL HER TO DO,

OR SHE WON'T BE QUEEN FOR LONG.

- LET'S RECAP.

YOU, DODGERS, ARE AN EGOMANIACAL

BIPOLAR NARCISSIST

AND PATHOLOGICAL LIAR WITH SOCIOPATHIC TENDENCIES.

- GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT, DOC. I CAN TAKE IT.

- BUT THERE'S STILL A CHANCE I CAN CURE YOU.

I'M GOING TO TRY A CONTROVERSIAL FORM OF SHOCK THERAPY--

NOT YET APPROVED BY THE GALACTIC FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION.

(THUD)

- HEY, I THINK I GET IT!

IF I'M EVER GONNA BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH MYSELF,

I HAVE TO SAVE MY BESTEST PAL IN THE WHOLE GALAXY.

CADET.

- UHH!

- (GROWLING)

- CHEWIE?

- F-F-FOLLOW ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

- YOUR MAJESTY! TO ARMS!

YOU'RE IN GRAVE DANGER!

- OOPS.

COMMANDER, I'M AFRAID YOU'VE BECOME A LIABILITY.

ATOMIZE HIM.

- YAH! YAH!

GANGWAY!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

- (GASP)

GENERAL, I ORDER YOU TO EXPLAIN

WHAT ON MARS IS GOING ON HERE.

- I'M AFRAID YOU WON'T BE GIVING ANY MORE ORDERS,

YOUR MAJESTY.

- HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

I'M ONLY AN ADMIRAL FOR TWO DAYS,

AND THIS IS THE FATE THAT AWAITS MY SHIP.

(ENGINE RUNNING)

THERE SHE IS.

HEY! I NEED THAT!

- (GROWLING)

(BARKING)

- AAH!

(GROWLING)

(WHIMPERING)

- GO FORWARD! GO FORWARD, I SAY!

NOT THIS FORWARD! THAT FORWARD!

AAH! HA HA HA!