Original subtitles

FROZEN IN A TIME AND SPACE DIVIDE

BUT HOW WOULD THE UNIVERSE SURVIVE?

DUCK DODGERS OF THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY

PROTECTING THE POWERLESS AND THE WEAK

DUCK DODGERS IS FIGHTING TYRANNY

IN THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY

- AH, EVERYTHING IS SHIPSHAPE, JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.

SAME GOOD OLD SHIP.

SAME GOOD OLD OUTER SPACE.

SAME GOOD OLD BRIDGE.

- GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN DODGERS.

- SAME GOOD OLD CADET, HUH?

THIS IS STRANGE.

I'VE NEVER HAD THESE SORTS OF FEELINGS

FOR THE CADET BEFORE.

IS IT WRONG?

YOU'RE NOT THE CADET.

HE WAS A LOT SHORTER, RIGHT?

- THE OLD CADET WAS TRANSFERRED.

I'M HIS REPLACEMENT.

- I'LL MISS THAT LITTLE CHIPMUNK.

- HE WAS A PIG, WASN'T HE?

- ARE YOU SURE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME GUY?

- I THINK SO. - LET'S SEE.

HE HAD A NOSE AND A MOUTH.

HMM, AND SKIN.

YES. I THINK HE LOOKED LIKE...

THIS.

PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

- HMM.

HERE.

- HEY, THAT'S NOT BAD.

BUT YOU FORGOT SOME OF THE DETAILS.

SEE?

COME ON, CADET.

WE'VE GOT IMPORTANT STUFF TO DO.

- AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN.

ADD TWO DROPS OF SODIUM PHOSDAX.

NOW ADD 5 DROPS OF AMMONIUM SULFAX.

(5 DROPS)

HA! ALL YOU RAW RECRUITS FALL FOR THAT ONE.

HA HA HA!

- GOOD JOKE, SIR.

- HA HA HA! AAH!

HA HA HA!

OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

AND THEN, THERE WAS THIS OTHER TIME

WHEN I HAD TO FACE THE KLUNKINS.

I WAS RUNNING A RECONNAISSANCE MISSION

ON THE PLANET KLUNK

WHEN I BECAME SEPARATED FROM MY PARTY.

I LOOKED TO THE LEFT... KLUNKINS.

I LOOKED TO THE RIGHT...

MORE KLUNKINS!

SO I LEAPED...

IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE MY PURSUERS.

LANDED ON A LEDGE HIGH ABOVE THE LAVA

AND DREW MY WEAPON.

THEN THE HAIRY HORDE LAUNCHED THEIR ATTACK!

- GRR!

- THEY WERE COMING AT ME FROM BOTH SIDES.

- ARR!

- WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO?

SO I SPRANG HIGH INTO THE AIR

AND ELUDED THE SMELLY BRUTES.

I FOUND MYSELF RUNNING AND SWINGING,

LEAPING, KICKING, SKIPPING, BITING.

I BECAME A FIGHTING MACHINE.

(RIPPING)

BUT ALAS, THERE WERE TOO MANY.

- OH, DEAR.

- SO, THINKING QUICKLY, I CREATED A DIVERSION.

LOOK! IT'S THE ICE CREAM TRUCK!

FREE ICE CREAM!

- FREE ICE CREAM!

- THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

- YES, I DO. - YOU DO?

- SO WHILE THE KLUNKINS WERE LOOKING FOR THE ICE CREAM TRUCK,

YOU DRESSED UP IN WOMEN'S CLOTHING

AND SNUCK AWAY.

THEY NOW CALL THAT THE "DODGERS MANEUVER"

IN HONOR OF YOU.

THAT MOVE IS TAUGHT TO ALL THE NEW CADETS AT THE ACADEMY.

- YEAH, WELL, IT SOUNDS SIMPLE AND ALL,

BUT MOST FELLAS DON'T HAVE THE GAMS FOR IT.

(WHISTLING)

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DO SOME OF THAT PRESSING...

UH, YOU KNOW...

- PROTECTORATE BUSINESS? - THAT'S IT.

- WELL, WE'VE RECEIVED A REPORT

THAT THE MARTIANS HAVE ATTACKED A PRIMITIVE PLANET.

- SET A COURSE. - I ALREADY HAVE.

- WE'LL BE ARRIVING IN 5 MINUTES.

- HEY, YOU'RE GOOD.

- YES, CAPTAIN. VERY, VERY GOOD.

- (SCREAMING)

- OH, GOODY.

WE'LL HAVE THIS PLANET DEFORESTED IN RECORD TIME.

- ALL RIGHT, CADET.

STICK CLOSE, AND I'LL SHOW YOU THE ROPES.

DON'T BE AFRAID, YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

- I WONDER IF I SHOULD HAVE MADE LESS 2 x 4's

AND MORE TOOTHPICKS.

(CRASH)

WHAT?!

- ALL RIGHT, PAUL BUNYAN.

CEASE AND DESIST.

- THIS TIME, IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN ONE DELUDED DUCK

AND HIS LARD-FILLED LACKEY TO STOP ME.

- PERHAPS YOU'VE HAVEN'T TAKEN A GANDER

AT MY NEW SIDEKICK.

HUH?

- WHAT THE...

- HEY, COME ON.

PLEASE.

- SWEET SISTER!

- OK, I GET THE MESSAGE.

LET'S NOT BLOW THIS THING OUT OF PROPORTION.

- DON'T TALK TO ME, MARTIAN.

- ANY CHANCE WE CAN SETTLE THIS BETWEEN THE TWO OF US?

- TREE MURDERER!

- JUST TO LET YOU KNOW,

I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.

- I'LL RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!

- HEY, HEY, NICE PUN, CADET.

WAY TO LIGHTEN THINGS UP.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WE'VE GOT TO WORK WITH THIS GUY EVERY DAY.

- IF I HAD TEETH, I'D BE GRIMACING PITEOUSLY NOW.

- WELL, I HEAR YOU'VE TAKEN CARE OF THAT MARTIAN PROBLEM.

GOOD JOB, DODGERS.

- WELL, THAT NEW CADET YOU SENT OVER HELPED OUT A BIT.

- NEW CADET?

- YEAH. THE REPLACEMENT FOR THE OLD CADET?

- DODGERS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON,

BUT I DIDN'T DECIDE...

- GRR! OOPS.

- HEY, YOU GOT TO BE A LITTLE MORE CAREFUL

WHERE YOU'RE TOSSING BRICKS.

- OK, BUT ISN'T IT NICER THIS WAY?

JUST THE TWO OF US?

NOW I HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF.

NO INTERRUPTIONS.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, I KIND OF LIKE INTERRUPTIONS.

- CADET AND CAPTAIN, ALL ALONE FOREVER.

TOGETHER FOREVER, I SAY.

- HEY, LOOK! THE ICE CREAM TRUCK!

- HUH?

- THAT ONE NEVER FAILS.

I'LL JUST HANG OUT HERE

AND READ OLD MAGAZINES WHILE SHE COOLS OFF.

- CAPTAIN, IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR TEMPERATURE.

- (PANTING)

SOMEHOW, I DON'T BELIEVE

SHE'S A LICENSED MEDICAL PRACTITIONER.

- READY FOR YOUR BACK RUB?

- YIPE!

SHE'LL NEVER...

- READY FOR THE VALVE JOB?

- HMM.

NEVER SEEN THIS ONE BEFORE.

- HYAH!

DODGERS.

AND I THOUGHT YOU'D BE DIFFERENT

FROM THE OTHER MEN I'VE STALKED.

ALL MY CAREFUL ATTENTION WAS LAVISHED ON YOU FOR NAUGHT.

NOW YOU'LL END UP LIKE ALL THE OTHERS.

- I'VE GOT TO GET OFF THIS SHIP.

- PERSONALLY, I THINK IT'S SAFER IN HERE.

- ME, TOO.

- (MUMBLING)

- (SNIFFING)

- WHY, THAT'S THE STENCH OF PIG SWEAT.

YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT'S...UP.

- (SCREAMING)

- HURRY, CAPTAIN.

(HISS)

- DON'T DO IT.

- I...MUST!

- EH, W-W-W-WHAT IS IT?

- IT'S...IT'S...

RABBIT STEW!

(SLURPING AND GULPING)

- DODGERS.

- QUICK, CADET...

TO THE EMERGENCY RECREATIONAL VEHICLE!

- WOW. W-W-WE JUST MADE IT.

- YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW?

I FORGOT TO GRAB MR. HOPPITY OUT OF HIS HUTCH.

- (GULP)

I'M SURE HE'LL BE OK.

- WHICH IS A LOT MORE THAN I CAN SAY ABOUT THAT PSYCHO BABE

ONCE I SIC THE PROTECTORATE ON HER.

- OH, YEAH?

WE'RE ALL GOING DOWN IN FLAMES OF UNREQUITED PASSION.

- ADIOS, NEEDY GONZALEZ.

- WHAT?! AAH!

- WHO WOULD HAVE FIGURED THESE CHAIRS WEREN'T BOLTED DOWN?

- I'M OVER YOU, DODGERS. I FOUND SOMEONE NEW.

YOU WERE JUST A PHASE I WAS GOING THROUGH.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

- INCREASE SPEED 170%.

BEGIN STRATEGIC COUNTER-CLOCK ROLL.

- B-B-BEGINNING COUNTER-CLOCK ROLL.

(ALARM BLARING)

- MAINTAIN PRESENT GYRATIONS.

- (GRUNTING)

- FULL REVERSE ENGINES!

- ENGINES TO FULL REVERSE!

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

- HOW'D WE DO, CADET?

- C-C-CAPTAIN, ALL 330,000 GALLONS

WERE S-S-SUCCESSFULLY TRANSFERRED TO THE FORWARD HULL.

- THE INTERSTELLAR TRANSPORT OF KETCHUP

IS MORE DIFFICULT THAN YOU'D IMAGINE,

BUT THAT'S LIFE ON THE CONDIMENT RUN.

WILL YOU GET A LOAD OF THAT RACKET?

SOMEBODY'S GETTING RICH TRANSPORTING THESE

WELL-TO-DO SLOBS ON THESE CRUISE SHIPS,

AND IT SURE AIN'T US.

YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY SHUFFLEBOARD, RIGHT?

- UH, S-SHUFFLEBOARD?

- YEAH, BECAUSE I'M MAKING YOU

MY NEW CRUISE DIRECTOR.

- I-I SURE HOPE THIS TURNS OUT BETTER

THAN THE TIME HE MADE ME HIS T-T-TRAPEZE PARTNER.

- LOOK, IT'S SIMPLE.

WE HAVE TO RETURN TO EARTH ANYWAY,

SO WE'RE JUST TAKING A FEW PAYING SAPS...

UH, FUN-SEEKERS WITH US.

- CAPTAIN DODGERS, W-WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

THAT WEALTHY PASSENGERS WOULD EVEN CONSIDER FLYING

ON A C-C-COMPLETELY UNKNOWN CRUISE LINE?

- WORRY NOT, LITTLE PIGGY.

I PLACED AN AD IN A TRENDY MAGAZINE.

IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW,

IT'S THE WAY A VAPID, SHALLOW MIND WORKS.

- B-B-BUT, CAPTAIN,

T-THERE'S GOT TO BE 300 PEOPLE HERE.

HOW ARE WE GONNA T-T-TAKE CARE OF THEM ALL?

- LOOK, JUST TAKE THEIR MONEY,

AND YOU CAN FIGURE OUT THE REST LATER.

- GOOD WORK, DODGERS, ON THAT KETCHUP THING,

AND HAVE A GOOD VOYAGE BACK TO EARTH.

- UM, DO I HAVE A CLEAR SHOT ALL THE WAY?

- OUR THROMBOSIS WEAPON RUSE

SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED ON THE MARTIANS.

YOU'LL HAVE NO TROUBLE.

HAVE A PLEASANT PASSAGE.

- I THINK IT'LL BE QUITE PROFITABLE.

- OK, CAPTAIN DODGERS, HERE'S THE M-M-M...

HERE'S THE LOOT.

WE'VE GOT A FULL SHIP.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ALL THAT MONEY?

- ALL WHAT MONEY?

- THAT BIG PILE OF MONEY YOU'RE HOLDING IN YOUR HANDS.

- OH, THIS.

WELL, UH, WE'RE COLLECTING MONEY

FOR THE ORPHANAGE, YEAH.

UH, RUN BY THE, UM... THE, UM...

SISTERS OF RIGHTEOUS, UH, INDIGNATION.

- CHARITY WORK. VERY COMMENDABLE.

- YES. 'TIS.

- SAY, DIDN'T I SEE THE CADET OUT OF UNIFORM?

- I'LL JUST KEEP THIS IN A SAFE...OUT OF UNIFORM?

- WELL, HE DOES LOOK QUITE GOOD IN THAT JACKET AND BOW TIE.

- LISTEN HERE, TUBS. WE GOT TO HAVE A SYSTEM,

OR PEOPLE ARE GONNA GET SUSPICIOUS.

IT'S SIMPLE. WHEN WE'RE ON THE BRIDGE,

WE WEAR OUR REGULAR UNIFORMS,

AND WHEN WE'RE OUT HERE WITH THE PASSENGERS,

WE'RE IN OUR CRUISE GUY COSTUMES.

- EH, S-S-SIMPLE, HUH?

SHALL WE SET SAIL?

- SMILE, EVERYONE. SMILE.

- (CHEERING)

(HORN BLOWS)

- AND HERE'S YOUR D-D-DOUBLE MALT RASPBERRY

AND WATERMELON SMOOTHIE, SIR.

- I HOPE YOU LADIES HAVE A LOVELY VOYAGE

AND DON'T FORGET TO SEND ME LOTS OF FREE GUM.

SLOW DOWN, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- EH, W-WELL, I'VE GOT TO START MAKING LUNCH FOR 350,

AND THEN I PROMISED TO HELP THE ANDERSONS

GET THEIR R-R-RELATIONSHIP BACK ON TRACK

WITH A L-L-LITTLE COUNSELING,

AND T-T-THERE'S THE KENNEDYS

WITH THEIR OSTRICH RANCH IN R-R-RECEIVERSHIP,

AND I'M TRYING TO GET THE WIDOW PARTRIDGE

AND THE WIDOWER DOUGLAS TOGETHER.

- SOUNDS BORING.

- (LAUGHTER)

- HOWDY, FOLKS, I'M CAPTAIN DODGERS.

- HELLO, WE'RE THE WIGGUMS FROM SHEBOYGAN, WISCONSIN.

HARRY AND I ARE HERE

SO HARRY CAN RECOVER FROM GALLBLADDER SURGERY.

HARRY, SHOW CAPTAIN DODGERS YOUR SCAR.

- YEAH. THAT'S NICE. GOOD WORK, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, HOW THEY CUT IT ON A BIAS.

HARRY AND I OWN A FACTORY THAT MAKES PASTE.

- YOU MEAN THE WHITE STUFF IN THE JAR

THAT YOU EAT WHEN YOU'RE IN KINDERGARTEN?

- WELL, YES, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY FOR GLUING...

- HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

NOW, I'M JUST SPITBALLING HERE,

SO BEAR WITH ME.

WHAT IF YOU MADE FRUIT-FLAVORED PASTE?

THE WHITE STUFF IS GOOD, BUT KIDS NEED VARIETY.

BUT WHAT TO CALL IT? HMM.

HOW'S ABOUT TASTY PASTE?

NOW AVAILABLE IN STICKY STRAWBERRY,

GLUEY GRAPE, AND ADHERABLE ORANGE.

NOW, PUT YOURSELVES A BUSINESS PLAN TOGETHER, AND...

HUH?

- D-D-DON'T FORGET TO MAKE YOUR ANNOUNCEMENT.

- OH, YEAH. THANKS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE AT DODGERS' CRUISES

PRESENT THE LATEST IN CRUISE ENTERTAINMENT.

WE'RE SLOWING AND IN CLOSE TO MARS

SO YOU CAN VIEW THE FIERY MARTIAN VOLS AT TWILIGHT.

- (CHEERING)

- AND WE GOT LOTS OF OTHER EXCITING STUFF PLANNED, TOO.

(ALARM BLARING)

- CAPTAIN DODGERS, THE EM-EM-EMERGENCY ALARM.

- THAT WAS A NICE TOUCH, CADET.

- B-B-BUT I DIDN'T SET IT OFF.

- HEY, WHAT'S WITH THE OUTFIT, BLACKSTONE?

- I'M PUTTING ON A MAGIC SHOW ON B-B-B-"B" DECK.

- AH, MAGIC.

DID YOU SAY YOU DIDN'T SET OFF THE ALARM?!

GOT TO GET TO THE BRIDGE!

GOT TO GET TO THE BRIDGE!

GOT TO GET TO THE BRIDGE!

GOT TO GET TO THE BRIDGE, GOT TO GET TO THE BRIDGE!

- DODGERS, EARTH IS UNDER ATTACK FROM THE MARTIANS.

- UH, YOU THINK WE COULD HAVE THIS CONVERSATION,

LIKE, NEXT WEEK?

- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. IT'S ALL-OUT WAR!

WHAT KIND OF UNIFORM IS THAT?

- WHEN THE MARTIANS DETERMINED OUR THROMBOSIS RAY

WAS JUST A CLEVER RUSE,

THEY LAUNCHED AN ALL-OUT ATTACK.

STAR JOHNSON IS LEADING

THE ENTIRE ARMADA TO DEFEND EARTH.

- OH. WE NEED BACKUP, OR EARTH IS LOST.

- SO IT'S ALL UP TO YOU.

DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, OR EARTH IS DOOMED.

- IT'S NICE TO BE NEEDED.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING?

- NO.

- JUST A LITTLE BIT?

AAH!

- STAY ON THEM, CENTURION.

- YES, COMMANDER.

- NOW'S THE TIME TO PUT YOUR PROTECTORATE TRAINING TO WORK.

- I'LL T-T-TRY AND REMEMBER MY CLASSES

IN FAKE CRUISES DURING MARTIAN ATTACKS.

- JUST KEEP THE PASSENGERS CALM.

- PLEASE, EVERYONE. REMAIN CALM.

R-R-REMAIN CALM.

- (CHEERING)

- WOW, A SIMULATED MARTIAN ATTACK.

THIS IS COOL.

- THE B-B-BUFFET IS NOW OPEN IN DINING ROOM "C."

- TIME FOR EVASIVE MANEUVERS.

ATTENTION, PASSENGERS.

PLEASE ENJOY OUR SIMULATED EVASION

OF A SIMULATED MARTIAN ATTACK.

- WHOA!

- WHAT IS HE DOING?

CENTURION, ANALYZE DODGERS' MOVEMENTS

FOR ANY SEMBLANCE OF A PLAN.

- BEGINNING ANALYSIS.

- WANT TO FOLLOW ME INTO A POWER DIVE, MARTIAN?

- AAH!

- DODGERS, THINGS ARE NOT GOOD HERE.

- YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY DO HAVE THE WORST TIMING.

- IT'S ALL UP TO...

- HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

- AAH!

- C-C-CONGA LINE, EVERYBODY.

- OK, BIG GUY. BLATHER AWAY.

- EARTH'S ARMADA HAS BEEN DEFEATED.

STAR JOHNSON IS NEGOTIATING TERMS OF SURRENDER.

- TELL HIM TO STALL.

I'VE GOT A PLAN.

- AAH!

- CENTURION, HAS YOUR ANALYSIS REVEALED DODGERS' PLAN?

- WE'VE DETERMINED HE'S HEADED FOR THE IMPERIAL CITY.

- THE CITY IS SO FORTIFIED

THAT A SINGLE PROTECTORATE VESSEL

WOULD HAVE NO IMPACT.

- WE'RE PICKING UP A STRANGE PULSE SIGNATURE.

I'VE DETERMINED IT'S EITHER A CONGA LINE

OR THE THROMBOSIS RAY IS ABOARD THEIR SHIP.

- OH, NO, AND I TOLD EVERYONE THE THROMBOSIS RAY

WAS ONLY A CLEVER RUSE.

WE MUST CALL OFF THE ATTACK ON EARTH

AND MAKE PEACE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

- HEY, MAYBE IT'S JUST A CONGA LINE.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

- DODGERS, WHATEVER YOUR PLAN WAS, IT WORKED.

THE MARTIANS HAVE FLED.

- IT WORKED?

- SO THE ANDERSONS ARE M-M-MORE IN LOVE THAN EVER,

T-T-THE OSTRICH FARM HAS BEEN SAVED,

AND I SEE A J-J-JUNE WEDDING FOR THE PARTRIDGE-DOUGLASES.

OH, AND WE SOMEHOW M-M-MANAGED TO SAVE EARTH.

- AND I GET TO KEEP ALL THE MONEY.

- WELCOME HOME, HERO.

CONGRATULATIONS, CAPTAIN.

I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD OF YOU.

- AW, SHUCKS. IT WAS NOTHING.

- AND I MADE SPECIAL ARRANGEMENTS

SO YOU COULD MAKE YOUR DONATION IN PUBLIC.

- YEAH, MY DON...DONATION?

- IT TOOK SOME DOING,

BUT I TRACKED DOWN THE SISTERS OF RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION

AND BROUGHT THEM IN FROM SHEBOYGAN.

- GO, QUICKLY.

- THAT WAS SWELL OF YOU, DODGERS.

- REALLY?

- AND IT COULDN'T COME AT A BETTER TIME

FOR THE SISTERS AND THEIR ORPHANAGE.

- YEAH?

- NOW THEY'LL BE ABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE

OF A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY...

FRUIT-FLAVORED SCHOOL PASTE!

THEY'LL MAKE A FORTUNE!

WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT?

- YEAH, WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT?