Original subtitles

FROZEN IN A TIME AND SPACE DIVIDE

BUT HOW WOULD THE UNIVERSE SURVIVE?

DUCK DODGERS OF THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY

PROTECTING THE POWERLESS AND THE WEAK

DUCK DODGERS, HE'S FIGHTING TYRANNY

IN THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY

- THIS IS THE GALACTIC PROTECTORATE HEADQUARTERS

CALLING DUCK DODGERS.

COME IN, DUCK DODGERS.

I REPEAT, COME IN, DUCK DODGERS.

- HEY, CADET, CHECK IT OUT.

- THIS IS I.Q. HI CALLING DUCK DODGERS.

- AREN'T YOU EVEN GONNA ANSWER IT?

- HA HA HA! LOOK.

- I DON'T GET IT.

I JUST HAD DODGERS' COMMUNICATION MODULE REPAIRED.

- HA HA HA! TOLD YOU HE WAS BALD.

- AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'VE HAD THAT THING FIXED

5 TIMES IN THE PAST MONTH.

WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS BROKEN IN THIS STUPID PLACE?

- OK, NOW, LOOK SERIOUS.

- STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

- DODGERS REPORTING.

- STUPID...BUGS.

UH, THIS WHOLE PLACE IS...

TEEMING WITH THESE FILTHY COCKROACHES.

- AND I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.

- ROACHO, UH, PLEASE DON'T GO AWAY ANGRY.

I...I...I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT.

ARE WE STILL ON FOR THURSDAY NIGHT?

- HUMPH!

- DODGERS, THE EARTH IS IN GREAT DANGER.

THE MARTIANS HAVE LAUNCHED A FEARSOME NEW SPACE DESTROYER

CALLED THE INVICTUS.

I BELIEVE IT WILL STOP AT NOTHING

UNTIL OUR PLANET IS DESTROYED.

- AND THAT'S BAD, RIGHT? - VERY.

- SO, YOU WANT ME TO DESTROY THE INVICTUS

AND SAVE THE EARTH.

- NOT EXACTLY.

WE JUST NEED YOU TO GO OUT THERE

AND SLOW DOWN THE INVICTUS

TO MAKE TIME FOR STAR JOHNSON TO FORM EARTH'S ARMADA

AND SAVE THE DAY.

- IS SOMETHING WRONG?

- WRONG? IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME THING.

WE KILL OURSELVES

TRYING TO PULL OFF AN IMPOSSIBLE ASSIGNMENT,

AND THEN SOME UNDESERVING GLORY HOUND JUST SWOOPS IN

AND TAKES ALL THE CREDIT.

- UH-OH, CAPTAIN DODGERS.

THE GREATEST SATISFACTION IS IN A JOB WELL DONE.

- WHATEVER YOU NEED TO BELIEVE, LITTLE HAM HOCK.

- OH, THAT WAS A DELIGHTFUL PRACTICE SHOT.

NOW LET'S SEE WHAT THIS THING CAN DO TO THE EARTH.

- ALL RIGHTY, CADET,

AFTER ANALYZING THESE TOP-SECRET TECHNICAL SCHEMATICS

OF THE INVICTUS,

I BELIEVE I'VE DISCOVERED ITS ACHILLES HEEL.

- C-C-C-CAPTAIN DODGERS,

W-W-W-WHERE IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET

THESE TOP-SECRET T-T-TECHNICAL SCHEMATICS?

- OH, I GOT THEM FROM THAT CUTE LITTLE ROBOT OVER THERE.

- B-BUT, SIR, THAT'S JUST A TRASH C-C-C...

A TRASH C-C-C...

EH, WASTEBASKET.

- THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR BUYING

MY READING GLASSES AT THE GAS STATION.

ANYHOO, I'VE FOUND THE INVICTUS' FATAL FLAW.

THE SPACE DESTROYER IS DESIGNED

FOR A FULL-SCALE ASSAULT,

SO THEY MUST HAVE LEFT ITS DEFENSES SUSCEPTIBLE

TO AN ATTACK BY A SMALLER, MORE INSIGNIFICANT VESSEL.

- I FIND YOUR ARGUMENT IS BASED ON UNQUALIFIED ASSUMPTIONS,

FAULTY LOGIC, AND P-P-PIPE DREAMS.

- NOW, FOLLOW ME TO THE HANGAR.

- W-WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FOOLHARDY

ONE-MAN ATTACK, CAPTAIN.

- I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE ALONE.

I NEED YOU TO NAVIGATE THE AUTO-NAVIGATOR.

- B-B-B-BUT THERE'S NO ROOM FOR ME IN THERE.

- YOU CAN SIT ON MY LAP.

- R-R-REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED

THE LAST TIME S-S-S-SOMEONE SAT ON YOUR LAP?

- WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

THAT THAT BABY WASN'T WEARING A DIAPER?

JUST GET IN HERE.

- OK, S-S-SCOOT OVER A BIT.

HEY, TH-TH-THIS IS ROOMIER THAN IT LOOKS.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, CAPTAIN DODGERS.

- (GRUNTING)

MAYBE NOT.

GGRRRRRR...

- C-C-CAPTAIN DODGERS?

- I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE CAST SPEEDY GONZALES AS MY SIDEKICK.

EGH!

- W-W-WHERE'D YOU GO?

- I'M DOWN HERE, STUPID. YOU'RE SITTING ON ME.

- OH, DEAR.

- PULL ME OUT! PULL ME OUT!

(ACCORDION NOISES)

FOR MY NEXT NUMBER, "LADY OF SPAIN."

- SEE, CADET? PLENTY OF ROOM.

WE'LL JUST SLIP IN COMPLETELY UNDETECTED.

- COMMANDER, WE'VE DETECTED YET ANOTHER SMALL,

INSIGNIFICANT VESSEL ATTEMPTING TO CIRCUMNAVIGATE

OUR MAIN DEFENSES.

- WHAT? AGAIN?

- I'M AFRAID SO.

- I'LL HANDLE THIS ONE PERSONALLY.

- ALL RIGHT, CADET, THIS IS IT.

LOOK SHARP.

SAY, YOU DON'T GOT ANY GUM OR MINTS ON YOU, DO YOU?

- N-N-N-N-N...UH-HUH.

- YOU SEE, I HAD 5 CLOVES OF GARLIC FOR BREAKFAST.

AND THEN A COUPLE OF PEANUT BUTTER

AND ONION SANDWICHES FOR LUNCH,

AND WHAT DID I HAVE FOR SUPPER?

OH, YEAH, I ATE ONE OF THOSE

5-POUND BLOCKS OF LIMBURGER CHEESE

THAT I GET FROM THE GOVERNMENT.

HA HA HA! WITH TUNA FISH.

I JUST LOVE THAT STUFF.

WELL, I GUESS SINCE NOBODY'S GOT ANY MINTS OR GUM,

I'LL JUST HAVE TO USE...THIS.

AHH! FRESH AS A SUMMER BREEZE.

- (WHEEZING)

- HEY, MR. STINKY BREATH,

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE COURTESY?

- LET'S SEE WHAT WE'RE UP AGAINST.

OH, ANOTHER DELUSIONAL FAN

TRYING TO EMULATE THE FAMOUS TRENCH SCENE.

HOW MANY LIVES MUST THAT ACCURSED FILM CLAIM?

- ALMOST THERE, CAPTAIN, AND WE'RE RIGHT ON COURSE.

- ON MY COMMAND.

- (SCREAMING)

- S-S-SIR, IT HAS BEEN A PE-PE-PECULIAR PRIVILEGE

TO SERVE YOU.

I CONSIDER IT AN HONOR TO MEET MY END IN YOUR COMPANY.

- WELL, THAT WAS EASY.

- THAT IS THE UGLIEST HOOD ORNAMENT I'VE EVER SEEN.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

- WHOA! AAH!

- IS EVERYONE OK?

- I AM. - ME, TOO.

- GOOD. THEN I BELIEVE YOU ARE MY PRISONERS.

- JERK.

- ALTHOUGH WE SPENT THE LAST TWO MINUTES AS COMRADES,

I WON'T LET MERE EMOTION STAND IN THE WAY OF MY DUTY.

(WHISTLING SOUND)

CENTURIONS, A LITTLE HELP HERE.

- REMEMBER TO LIFT WITH THE LEGS.

COMMANDER, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- I'LL BE FINE,

BUT RIGHT NOW, WE NEED TO CAPTURE THOSE INTRUDERS.

- HEE HEE HEE HEE!

- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

- OH, IT'S...IT'S NOTHING. ROBOT HUMOR.

YOU WOULDN'T GET IT.

- FIND THOSE INTRUDERS.

(ROBOTS LAUGHING)

ROBOTS.

- NOW TO DISABLE THIS TUB.

- STOP THE INTRUDERS.

WHERE ARE THEY?

THEY WERE JUST HERE A SECOND AGO.

DID YOU SEE THE COMMANDER'S BRUSH?

IT WAS ALL SCREWED UP, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- NOW, IF WE CAN ONLY FIND SOMETHING TO SABOTAGE.

- HOW ABOUT THE MA-M-MAIN RUDDER CONTROLS?

- WHERE ARE WE GONNA FIND THAT?

- W-WE'RE STANDING INSIDE IT RIGHT NOW.

- AH. WELL, OK, COMMENCE TO SABOTAGING.

- B-BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT M-M-MARTIAN TECHNOLOGY.

- I DON'T, EITHER,

BUT I'M PRETTY GOOD AT BREAKING STUFF.

- G-G-GOOD? YOU'RE GREAT.

- I'LL USE THIS PIECE OF CHEWING GUM.

- HEY, I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY G-GUM OR MINTS.

- WELL, THAT EXPLOSION DISLODGED A PIECE OF GUM

THAT HAD BEEN STUCK IN MY SINUS CAVITY

FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS.

- SORRY I ASKED.

- AND NOW, CAREFULLY PLACE IT HERE.

IT'S WORKING.

- THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

- WHOA!

- THERE SHE IS, PEOPLE... THE DREADED INVICTUS.

- SIR, THE INVICTUS IS JUST SLOWLY SPINNING IN SPACE.

- IMAGINE THAT.

DODGERS MANAGED TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT.

HAVE THE ARMADA ENCIRCLE THE INVICTUS.

- GEE, CAPTAIN DODGERS, THAT REALLY GUMMED UP THE WORKS.

- DODGERS, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- OH, I'M JUST BREAKIN' ALL YOUR CHEAP MARTIAN EQUIPMENT.

- WHAT?!

- OH, I'M GREAT AT WRECKIN' STUFF.

BEHOLD!

- SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE INITIATED.

- OH, DEAR. ABANDON SHIP!

- HA HA HA HA! DID YOU SEE HIS BRUSH?

IT WAS ALL MESSED UP.

- THE COMPUTER SAID THAT YOU INITIATED

THE S-SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(ALARM BLARING)

- CAPTAIN, THE ARMADA IS IN POSITION,

AND THE WEAPONS ARE TARGETED.

- EXCELLENT.

ON MY COMMAND.

- ONE LAST ESCAPE POD.

- NOT SO FAST, BUB.

WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.

THE CAPTAIN GOES DOWN WITH THE SHIP.

ISN'T THAT SO?

- REALLY?

WELL, I SUPPOSE...

- NOW, HELMSMAN...

FIRE!

- EXCELLENT SHOT.

- BUT, SIR, I NEVER PRESSED THE BUTTON.

- AS I SAID, EXCELLENT SHOT.

NOW, FILE YOUR REPORT

ON HOW I PERSONALLY DESTROYED THE INVICTUS.

- SORRY, DODGERS, BUT ON MY PLANET,

IT'S EVERY MARTIAN FOR HIMSELF.

- AND IT IS WITH DEEPEST HUMILITY

THAT I, STAR JOHNSON,

ACCEPT THESE ACCOLADES AND COMMENDATIONS

FOR SAVING THE EARTH.

(CROWD CHEERING)

- I C-C-CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WE KILL OURSELVES TO PULL OFF AN IMPOSSIBLE ASSIGNMENT,

AND SOME G-G-GLORY HOUND SWOOPS IN

TO TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.

- WELL, KIDS, DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU

THIS SHOW ISN'T REALISTIC.

- AS THE CAPTAIN OF THIS STARSHIP,

I DEMAND THAT YOU FOLLOW MY ORDERS.

- I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T COMPLY WITH YOUR P-P-PRESENT REQUEST.

- PLEASE.

- YOU CAN'T HAVE A PUPPY.

- HOW ABOUT A KITTEN?

- NO. - A MONKEY?

- ABSOLUTELY NOT.

- WHERE YOU GOIN'?

LOOK, THERE'S JUST GOTTA BE

A CAREFREE, ZERO-MAINTENANCE PET.

AN ENERGY MUTATOR?

WOW! HEY, THEY DON'T EAT, SLEEP, SHED, CRY, OR POOP.

- I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT IS PRETTY CUTE.

- GREAT! PURCHASE AND SEND.

YAHOO! MEET ME BY THE EVAPORATOR.

- C-C-CAPTAIN, WAIT.

THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME KIND OF WARNING.

- PA TOO PE PA?

- WHY, AREN'T YOU THE MOST ADORABLE THING?

WE'LL BE FRIENDS FOREVER.

- C-CAPTAIN DODGERS, KEEP AWAY FROM THAT M-M-MONSTER!

- WHY WOULD I KEEP AWAY FROM

SUCH A CUTESIE-WOOTSIE LITTLE SUGARPLUM?

- SENDING AN ENERGY MUTATOR THROUGH THE EVAPORATOR

WAS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

- MOOKIE PATATA KOO KOO.

- DID YOU HEAR THAT, CADET?

HE SAID "MOOKIE PATATA KOO KOO."

THAT'S WHAT I'LL CALL HIM... MY SWEET LITTLE KOO KOO.

- Y-Y-YOU'RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME, ARE YOU?

- GO RAIN ON SOMEONE ELSE'S FIESTA.

- HA HA HA!

- THAT DOESN'T BO-BO-BODE...

OH, LIKE I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

- BATCHER NIKKA.

- NOW, YOU SLEEP HERE IN YOUR LITTLE BASKET, KOO KOO,

WHILE DADDY PREPARES FOR BED.

- RRRARR.

HA HA HA!

- I SEE YOU HIDING UNDER THERE, KOO KOO.

- RHHHARRR!

- CADET! CADET! AAH!

- D-D-DID IT MAKE A MESS ON THE CARPET ALREADY?

SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT KOO KOO'S

NO LONGER A CUTESIE-WOOTSIE SUGARPLUM.

- CUTESIE-WOOTSIE SUGARPLUM, NO.

HIDEOUS, TERRIFYING MONSTER, YES.

- HA HA HA HA!

- PERMISSION TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO?

- PERMISSION GRANTED.

- OOOH, HOO HOO HOO HOO!

- UH, HE'S ENJOYING THAT.

- I'LL PROGRAM MY NEUTRONIC RAY PISTOL

TO DISCHARGE ALL OF ITS ENERGY IN ONE BIG KAPOWIE.

FETCH, FIDO!

- (GULP)

(BOOM)

(BELCHING)

- IT APPEARS THAT THE CREATURE ABSORBS POWER

THROUGH ITS SUBATOMIC STRUCTURE.

- MAN, I HATE SCIENCE.

- THIS THING EATS ENERGY.

(SNIFFING)

- MAGOOIE WEETA! MAGOOIE WEETA!

- AND THE MONSTER RAN AWAY,

AND THE DUCK AND THE PIG LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

- B-B-BUT I'M PRETTY SURE

HE'S OFF TO DEVOUR THE ENERGY CORE.

- AND THAT THING'S IMPORTANT, RIGHT?

- YOU DON'T EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW, D-D-DO YOU?

- LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE FORGOT TO PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL.

- N-N-NO WORRIES, CAPTAIN DODGERS.

I USUALLY USE THIS TO READ BY AFTER LIGHTS OUT.

- HA HA HA! YOU READ?

NERD.

- L-L-LOOK, OUR ONLY CHANCE FOR SURVIVAL

IS TO ACTIVATE THE AUXILIARY ENERGY CORE.

- GOOD THINKING.

- HA HA HA HA!

- LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED.

- WH-WHERE'S THAT COMING FROM?

- RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

- BLAHHH!

- AAAAHHH!

- I'D TRY EATING MORE FIBER IF I WERE YOU, CADET.

- UM, UH, CAPTAIN DODGERS, I HATE TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT,

B-B-BUT SINCE YOU'RE IN CHARGE,

DON'T YOU THINK THAT YOU SHOULD BE LEADING THE WAY?

- NOPE. THAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU LEARN IN OFFICER'S TRAINING.

PROTECT THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE.

EXPENDABLE DRONES TO THE FRONT.

THEY'RE A DIME A DOZEN

AND THE ONES MOST LIKELY TO GET PICKED OFF.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE THE PAWNS IN CHECKERS.

- WELL, THIS IS IT,

BUT IT'S RUSTED COMPLETELY SHUT.

I BET IT'LL NEVER OPEN IN A MILLION YEARS.

- NICE WORK, NOSTRADAMUS.

- (ROARING, SNARLING)

- THERE'S THE AUXILIARY ENERGY CORE.

SWITCH IT ON BEFORE THE MONSTER GETS US.

- (GRUNTING, GROANING)

I COULD USE A LITTLE HELP.

- ME? YOU KNOW I'VE GOT A BAD BACK.

(CRASH)

(BANG)

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

WE'RE HOME FREE NOW.

- L-L-LURE HIM AWAY FROM THE ENERGY CORE.

- I'LL TRY THE OLD SWEET TALK.

HEY, KOO KOO, REMEMBER ALL OF THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD TOGETHER?

THE NIGHTS BY THE FIRE? THE WALKS ON THE BEACH?

THE SUNSETS?

- (GROWLING)

- Y-Y-YOU TWO NEVER HAD ANY GOOD TIMES.

- YOUR JEALOUSY DISGUSTS ME.

- RRRHHHHOOOOAAARRR!

- AAAHH!

- THIS STINKS.

- (LAUGHING)

- AAAHHH!

- WE'RE TRAPPED.

- SO THIS IS HOW IT ENDS.

UP TO MY ARMPITS IN FILTH

AND WAITING TO BE DEVOURED BY A CREATURE

I THOUGHT WOULD LOVE ME FOREVER.

REMINDS ME OF MY FIRST MARRIAGE.

- HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

- NOW, KOO KOO, I'M SURE THE CADET WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

HE'S VERY RELIABLE.

- HANG ON, CAPTAIN!

- WELL, THAT ALMOST WORKED.

- GHHARR! MEKARRA MOOTOO!

- HA! THE STUPID BEAST CAN'T QUITE REACH US.

- THAT DRAIN WON'T HOLD HIM F-F-FOR...INDEFINITELY.

- RRHHHARRR!

- M-MAYBE WE SHOULD DISCUSS THIS ELSEWHERE.

- YOUR PLAN WAS WELL THOUGHT OUT AND POTENTIALLY EFFECTIVE,

BUT MY PLAN HAS MORE PIZZAZZ.

THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.

ONCE YOU'RE POWERED UP,

KOO KOO WILL FIND YOU IRRESISTIBLE.

- I STILL LIKE MY IDEA BETTER.

- I TOLD YOU, YOUR IDEA LACKED VISUAL INTEREST.

NOW, LURE THAT THING IN HERE,

AND I'LL EVAPORATE HIM OUT INTO DEEP SPACE.

- J-JUST ONCE, I'D LIKE A PLAN THAT DIDN'T INVOLVE DRESSING ME

IN A F-FUNNY SUIT.

- DREAM ON, TUBBY.

WOW! YOU'RE BRIGHTER THAN LAS VEGAS AT CHRISTMASTIME.

- HERE, MONSTER, MONSTER, MONSTER.

- TRY AND SOUND MORE DELICIOUS.

THAT SHOULD BUY ME SOME TIME

TO GET READY FOR THAT BIG, FAT, UGLY...

- (GROWLING)

- SAY THERE, HANDSOME,

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE CADET, HAVE YOU?

- AAAAAAAHHHH!

- STOP FOOLING AROUND, AND GET OUT OF THERE.

- WHO'S FOOLING AROUND?

- QUICK, INTO THE EVAPORATOR!

- I KNEW I LIKED MY PLAN BETTER.

- GET IN THERE, YOU STUPID MONSTER.

- HEY, I'M STILL IN HERE.

- NEXT STOP, THE COLD, DARK VACUUM OF OUTER SPACE.

- OH, C-C-C-CAPTAIN,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA ZAP ME OUT THERE WITH HIM?

- I'M SORRY, BUT IN TIMES OF CRISIS,

I HAVE TO PUT MY PERSONAL FEELINGS ASIDE

AND DO WHAT'S BEST FOR MYSELF.

HMM. HEY, HOW DO YOU WORK THIS THING?

- IT'S PRETTY COMPLICATED.

B-B-BUT IF YOU COULD GET ME OUT OF HERE,

I COULD SHOW YOU.

- CAN'T YOU JUST TAP OUT THE INSTRUCTIONS

WITH YOUR NOSE?

- M-M-MY NOSE IS ALL CLOGGED.

- TYPICAL. TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

WE PUSH PAST THE RIGHT CLAVICLE

AND THROUGH THE LEFT VENTRICLE,

OUT THE ORAL ORIFICE,

AND TA DA!

- HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

- I'M A FULLY LICENSED MIDWIFE.

- AND THIS WHOLE TIME, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW N-N-NOTHIN'

ABOUT BIRTHIN' NO BABIES.

OK, LOCK ON. STAND CLEAR.

- I AM STANDING CLEAR.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA ZAP ME OUT THERE WITH HIM, ARE YOU?

- HA HA HA HA! OF COURSE NOT. WHAT KIND OF FINK WOULD DO THAT?

- HA HA! YOU KNOW ME. ALWAYS FULL OF FUN.

DID I MISS THE GREAT PUMPKIN?

DID HE LEAVE US ANY TOYS?

- A-A-ARE YOU OK, C-CAPTAIN DODGERS?

- NEVER FELT BETTER.

HMM, WHAT HAPPENED TO KOO KOO?

- LET'S JUST SAY HE'S ABOUT TO MEET HIS N-N-NEW BEST BUDDY.

- WHERE DID YOU COME FROM, LITTLE ONE?

WHY, AREN'T YOU JUST THE MOST ADORABLE THING?

- HEE HEE HEE HEE!

- WE'LL BE FRIENDS FOREVER.

- RHARR! HA HA HA!