Original subtitles

FROZEN IN A TIME AND SPACE

DIVIDE

BUT HOW

WOULD THE UNIVERSE

SURVIVE?

DUCK DODGERS OF THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY

PROTECTING THE POWERLESS

AND THE WEAK

DUCK DODGERS, HE'S FIGHTING

TYRANNY

IN THE 24th

AND 1/2 CENTURY

AAH!

UH-OH.

DEAD END.

NOT GOOD.

HEY THERE, SWEET STUFF.

PREPARE TO MEET THY DOOM, DUCK DODGERS.

[GRUNTING]

PRETTY FANCY MOVES THERE, BABY,

BUT YOU COMPLETELY MISSED ME.

OK, YOU MOSTLY MISSED ME.

EVEN AS A ROBOT, HE'S ANNOYING.

OH, THAT WAS JUST PEACHY, MY QUEEN.

A SIMPLY DUCKY DECAPITATION.

IF ONLY IT WERE THE REAL THING.

CAREFUL WITH THE CABEZA. I HAVE A SOFT PALATE.

GLAD TO OBLIGE.

WHOA!

OUCH! OOH! OUCH! OH!

BEGGING YOUR PARDON, MY QUEEN,

BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE OVER HIM.

LET ME TELL YOU A STORY, COMMANDER--

A STORY OF BETRAYAL AND LIES

AND A WOMAN'S HEART TORN ASUNDER.

LET ME TELL YOU OF A CONSORT'S THRONE LEFT VACANT,

A BRIDAL CHAMBER LEFT BARREN,

AND A RECEPTION HALL LEFT FILLED WITH THEM BIG SHRIMP.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

BUT NOW I WILL HAVE MY RICHLY DESERVED REVENGE.

I, MYSELF, WILL HUMILIATE DUCK DODGERS AS HE HUMILIATED ME.

AND WHEN THE WRETCH BEGS FOR MERCY,

HE SHALL RECEIVE NAUGHT BUT THE HEEL OF MY FOOT

AND MY LAUGH OF BITTER CONTEMPT.

Voice: HA HA HA!

HAPPY CAT SAY TIME TO WAKE UP!

HA HA HA!

YOU THINK HAPPY CAT KIDDING?

HA HA HA!

WAKEY WAKEY, SNOOZY DUCK!

HA HA HA!

THAT CADET BUYS THE WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

YO, CADET,

HOW ABOUT WORKING ME UP ONE OF THEM FAMOUS

DEEP-DISH POT-STICKER AND KIELBASA PIZZAS?

WOW. CADET'S QUARTERS ARE A TOTAL PIG STY.

HE'S USUALLY SUCH A NEAT FREAK,

FOR A GUY WHO'S ACTUALLY A PIG.

WAKEY WAKE, SNOOZY PIG. GOTCHA!

GREETINGS, DUCK DODGERS.

AAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE CADET'S BED?

THIS IS A HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTION, YOU IDIOT.

I--I KNEW THAT.

YOUR PRECIOUS CADET IS MY PRISONER,

AND IF YOU WOULD EVER LIKE TO SEE HIM AGAIN,

YOU WILL MEET ME ON THE FROZEN PLAINS OF FRIDGDONIA 7.

AREN'T YOU EVEN GONNA TRY AND RESCUE HIM?

ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN THINKING OF GETTING AN INTERN.

MULL IT OVER, HERO BOY.

WELL, THE CADET DOES MAKE A MEAN POT-STICKER AND KIELBASA PIZZA.

WONDER HOW LONG I'LL STAY FRESH IN THIS GLASS.

YEP, IT'S A FROZEN DUCK AND A FROZEN CHICKEN

OFF TO SAVE A FROZEN PIG,

ALL OF WHICH CAN BE FOUND IN THE FROZEN FOOD AISLE

OF YOUR FAVORITE SUPERMARKET.

HE SEEMS TO BE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE.

OH, IT'S CHARADES. I LOVE CHARADES.

LET'S SEE. WAVING. WAVING LIKE CRAZY.

GOOD-BYE. MAGIC FINGERS.

GOOD-BYE, MR. CHIPS.

PIANO PLAYING. VICTOR BORGE. VICTOR MATURE.

CHEERS! TAXI! MARILU HENNER!

NO. SOUNDS LIKE...

POINT. MOINT. ROINT. SOINT. COINT. DOINT. LOINT.

SOUNDS LIKE POINTING. BOINTING. MOINTING. ROINTING.

SOINTING. COINTING. OINTING. DOINTING.

BREATH! DRIVING MISS DAISY!

NO.

L-O-O-K OUT.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SPELL STUFF OUT IN CHARADES.

SORT OF TAKES THE FUN OUT OF IT.

[SQUAWKS]

AAH!

WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE, DODGERS?

WELL, BESIDES MAKING SOME OF THE PRETTIEST SNOW ANGELS YOU'VE EVER SEEN,

I'VE COME TO COLLECT MY PIG.

IS THAT ALL, DODGERS?

YOU'RE NOT HERE TO BEG MY FORGIVENESS FOR DASHING MY HEART

AND SPURNING THE THRONE OF MARS?

WHO DASHED WHERE AGAINST WHAT, NOW?

LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

THAT'S OK BY ME.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO USE THAT THING?

I HAVEN'T HAD ANY COMPLAINTS FROM THE LADIES.

THE LADIES?

OF COURSE, NOT QUITE BIGGER THAN LIFE,

BUT YOU GET THE CONCEPT.

ALWAYS THE MODEST ONE, DODGERS.

AAH!

HI-YEEAH!

SAY, YOU'RE CUTTING IT KIND OF CLOSE THERE.

ARE YOU UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING?

ME? OF COURSE NOT.

YOU JUST LEFT ME AT THE ALTAR.

GOOD. I HATE IT WHEN THESE THINGS GET PERSONAL.

WE'RE JUST TWO SWORN ENEMIES WITH NO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS.

CONSENTING ADULTS IN A DUEL TO THE DEATH.

EXACTLY.

WHERE'S SHE GOING?

BIGGER THAN LIFE, MY FOOT!

NO! MY BEAUTIFUL ICE SCULPTURE!

I'LL CHOP THAT EGO DOWN A BIT.

I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE CRUSHED

BY A GIANT LIKENESS OF MY...SELF.

WOW, THAT FELT GREAT. WHAT A RELEASE.

JUST CALL ME THE POST-NASAL DRIP.

CATCH, SWEETUMS.

UH!

[GRUNTING]

YOU'LL SUFFER FOR THAT, DODGERS.

SHE MAKES BETTER SNOW ANGELS THAN I DO.

NOW I'LL JUST SET THE OLD EVAPORATOR

TO AUTOMATICALLY ZAP ME AND THE CADET BACK TO THE SHIP.

ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS,

3 MINUTES SHOULD BUY ME PLENTY OF TIME.

IF IT WORKS FOR A FROZEN BURRITO, IT SHOULD WORK FOR ME.

WHERE IS THE CADET?

I'D BETTER RECHECK MY CALCULATIONS.

I NEVER WAS VERY GOOD AT MATH.

LET'S SEE. 7,000X EQUALS Y, DIVIDED BY THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

CROSS WIDTH 9 TIMES COSINE OF NEWTON'S LAWS OF FUDGE.

SAY, WHAT WAS NEWTON'S LAW OF FUDGE?

[SNORING]

[CRASH]

WHO GOES THERE?

[CHUCKLES]

YOU DARE DISTURB MY SLUMBER?

GO BACK TO SLEEP. THIS IS ONLY A NIGHTMARE.

YOU'LL FORGET EVERY BIT OF IT WHEN YOU WAKE UP.

ON THE CONTRARY.

I PLAN TO FORGET YOU RIGHT NOW.

HEH HEH. WHAT'S THAT?

SOME KIND OF FANCY CURLING IRON?

THESE MICRO HOMING MISSILES ARE LOCKED ONTO YOUR VERY GENETIC CODE.

AH, A FELLOW FIREARMS ENTHUSIAST.

PREPARE TO MEET THY DOOM, DUCK DODGERS.

HOW RESOURCEFUL.

HE'S MOST MAGNIFICENT.

I MEAN, I HATE THAT DUCK.

STUPID MASK.

I KNOW DODGERS IS OUT THERE, CADET,

PLOTTING HIS NEXT BRILLIANT MANEUVER WITH CAT-LIKE CUNNING.

I'M SURE HE'S PLANNING SOMETHING VERY CLEVER.

GIANT ROCK TAKES QUEEN.

STAND BACK, CADET.

THE BLAST FROM THIS POP GUN

SHOULD NEUTRALIZE YOUR MAGNETIC CONTAINMENT FIELD.

WOW. THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK.

I LEARNED ALL MY HARD SCIENCES FROM READING COMIC BOOKS.

JUST LIKE WHEN RICHIE RICH FREED LITTLE LOTTA

FROM THE DIABOLICAL CLUTCHES OF HOT STUFF.

WHOA!

RUN FOR IT, CAPTAIN DODGERS!

DON'T CROWD ME, KIDDO.

AAH!

I AM WAY FRUSTRATED!

SHE'S CATCHING UP TO US.

3...2...1!

WOW.

THAT WAS A PRETTY IMPRESSIVE CALCULATION.

THAT'S NOTHING. I EVEN SET THE TIMER ON THE VCR.

[ALARM]

ALL RIGHT, CADET, GET US OUT OF HERE.

THE MARTIANS ARE GAINING ON US.

LOCK ALL WEAPONS ON DODGERS' SHIP.

FIRE!

WE HAVE A HULL BREACH IN DECKS 6-12,

AND WE'RE HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE N-NEBULA.

TAKE US IN.

INTO THE N-NEBULA?

THAT'LL RENDER OUR SENSORS INOPERATIVE.

TAKE US IN.

THE FOOLS.

FOLLOW THEM.

IF WE FOLLOW THEM, WE'LL BE FLYING BLIND.

FOLLOW THEM!

SENSORS AT 11%, AND OUR SHIELDS ARE FAILING.

HOLD OUR PRESENT COURSE.

WHERE ARE YOU, DODGERS?

WHERE ARE YOU?

THERE!

FIRE!

HE'S HELPLESS. NOTHING CAN SAVE HIM NOW.

FINISH HIM, YOUR HIGHNESS.

IT SEEMS THAT THE M-MARTIAN QUEEN IS HESITATING.

WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

ISN'T IT OBVIOUS, SIR?

SHE HAS FEELINGS FOR YOU.

SHE LOVES YOU.

GEE, IMAGINE THAT.

SHE LOVES ME.

THAT'S JUST THE TACTICAL ADVANTAGE I NEED.

SPIN THIS PUPPY AROUND

AND BLAST HER ENGINE THINGIES.

HE'S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR US.

HOORAY! WOO-HOO!

BUT IF YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE NICER TO HER,

SHE MAY HAVE TAKEN YOU BACK.

YOU COULD'VE BEEN KING OF MARS.

KING OF MARS?

DAMES.

GREETINGS, YOUR HIGHNESS.

I HOPE YOUR HUNTING TRIP WENT WELL.

MY SHIP HAS BEEN DISABLED,

AND DUCK DODGERS HAS GOTTEN AWAY.

I'M SO VERY SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

I WILL SEND A ROYAL SHUTTLE,

BUT IT MAY TAKE A WHILE TO GET TO YOU.

OH, I HAVE A WAY TO PASS THE TIME.

[SCREAMING]

SO HE'S MECHANICAL.

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN DODGERS.

HERE'S THE MORNING SPACE MAIL.

HMM, LET'S SEE.

SUMMONS, SUMMONS,

RESTRAINING ORDER.

GEE, I REALLY SHOULD CALL HER.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

I GOT ANOTHER STUPID NOTICE DEMANDING ME

TO SHOW UP FOR PROTECTORATE TRAINING.

RUBBISH.

AAH!

THIS TRAINING IS MANDA-MANDA-- IT'S REQUIRED.

ALL PROTECTORATE PERSONNEL MUST KEEP UP THEIR CREDENTIALS

BY PASSING THE ANNUAL PROTECTORATE TRAINING TESTS.

SEE? I PASSED MINE EARLIER THIS YEAR.

I DON'T NEED NO SCHOOL.

I LEARNED EVERYTHING I KNOW FROM THE STREETS.

BETTER GET MOVING, OR YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE.

ATTENTION!

MASTER SERGEANT EMILY DICKINSON JONES!

UM, EXCUSE ME,

DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS EMILY?

YES, I DID, SOLDIER.

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,

EMILY IS A LADY'S NAME.

HA HA HA HA!

HERE IN THE 24th 1/2 CENTURY,

WE'RE UNENCUMBERED BY GENDER-BASED NAMES.

AND MY MAMA HAPPENS TO BE A FAN OF ROMANTIC POETRY.

HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?

IT SEEMS THAT WE'VE REACHED AN UNDERSTANDING, EMILY.

EMILY. HA HA HA!

EMILY! HA HA HA!

AN AUTHORITY HATER, EH?

DROP AND GIVE ME 50!

50 WHAT?

PUSH-UPS!

[GRUNTING]

SARGE, ON THIS FIRST ONE,

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GIVE ME A SPOT?

I JUST LIVE FOR GUYS LIKE YOU.

DODGERS, IN THIS TEST, YOU WILL BE PILOTING A SPACE FIGHTER

IN A COMPLETELY VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENT.

OOH, SOUNDS SCARY.

DON'T WORRY, LITTLE DUCK.

THE COMPUTER'S BEEN PROGRAMMED TO MAKE SURE

YOU FEEL EVERY BIT OF PAIN AND ANGUISH.

GET READY, PILOT.

Sergeant Dickinson: TO MAKE THINGS INTERESTING,

WE'VE RECREATED A FIGHTER PILOT FROM THE 20th CENTURY

TO BE YOUR OPPONENT.

WHAT?

UH-OH.

I'M SURE THEY CHOSE SOMEONE BEYOND FORMIDABLE.

HI-OH!

TV's ED McMAHON?

YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR.

FOR A MINUTE, YOU HAD ME WORRIED.

I'M FULLY QUALIFIED TO BE YOUR CHALLENGER.

I WAS A MARINE CORPS FIGHTER PILOT BACK IN THE 20th CENTURY.

WOW. YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY.

SHALL WE HAVE AT IT THEN?

IT WILL BE A PLEASURE, SIR.

NO, SIR, THE PLEASURE IS ALL MINE.

AND AWAY WE GO!

HEY, ED, YOU NEVER SAID THAT. WHAT?

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WAS JACKIE GLEASON'S LINE.

REALLY? HOW ABOUT NANOO, NANOO?

THAT'S MORK FROM ORK.

AH, DANG.

MY COMPUTER PROGRAMMING MUST BE ACTING UP.

WHERE'S THE BEEF?

CLARA PELLER. WHO?

THAT OLD HAMBURGER LADY.

LOOK, ARE WE GONNA FIGHT OR WHAT?

A THOUSAND PARDONS, OH, WISE AND EXALTED DUCK.

HEY, THAT'S ME!

WHATEVER.

ED McMAHON. HA!

I COULD WIN THIS DOGFIGHT WITH ONE HAND TIED BEHIND MY--

WHOA!

HI-OH!

AAH!

SPINNING WILDLY OUT OF CONTROL!

CAN'T PULL UP!

I--I'VE LOST PRIMARY ENGINE!

EXPLOSION IMMINENT!

CAN'T EJECT! CURSE YOU, ED McMAHON!

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE!

HOW LONG MUST I SUFFER?

AND TO THINK, THEY PAY ME TO DO THIS.

WELCOME TO YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, DODGERS--

HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT.

LET ME INTRODUCE YOUR NEXT OPPONENT--

UDA FRAUBURGER!

LADIES CHAMPION WRESTLER FOR THE NEW EAST GERMAN WRESTLING LEAGUE!

HA HA HA!

BUT SHE'S A WOMAN.

OR A MAN WITH 9 BACKS.

REMEMBER, YOU HAVE TO STAY IN THERE FOR 3 MINUTES

TO GET A PASSING GRADE.

ALL RIGHT, FRAU FRAUBURGER,

PREPARE TO DEFEND YOURSELF,

AS I CAN SHOW YOU NO MERCY.

IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE IN MY TENT, WORKING ON MY RESUME.

I'LL TALLY YOUR SCORES

AND DELIVER MY FINAL REPORT IN THE MORNING.

MORNING, CAPTAIN DODGERS.

ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR FINAL GRADE?

SOCK IT TO ME, SARGIE.

DUCK DODGERS, BY THE AUTHORITY OF THE GALACTIC PROTECTORATE,

I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR FINAL GRADE IS...

A-PLUS?

BUT HOW?

ACTUALLY, IT WAS ALL TOO SIMPLE.

ALL I NEEDED WAS A WELL-EXECUTED PLAN.

HOW DO THINGS LOOK DOWN HERE?

YOU GOT TWO GUARDS IN FRONT OF THE SERGEANT'S QUARTERS.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET INSIDE AND STEAL THE GRADE BOOK?

DON'T WORRY, CADET.

I DON'T THINK THEY'LL BE ABLE TO KEEP THEIR MINDS ON THEIR WORK.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, SYDNEY BRISTOW.

CHARLIE, YOU SEEING WHAT I'M SEEING?

I'M SEEING IT, BUT I AIN'T BELIEVING IT.

YOU TWO DOPES ARE INTOXICATED

WITH MY WILD BEAUTY, ARE YOU NOT?

NO. NO WAY.

YOUR SWOONING CRANIUMS AREN'T FORGETTING THEIR DUTIES, ARE THEY?

YOU'RE A GUY DUCK, AREN'T YOU?

LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE.

HOWS ABOUT I JUST GIVE YOU TWO GALOOTS 50 ASTRO BUCKS

TO LET ME IN THE SERGEANT'S QUARTERS?

AIN'T NO THING BUT A CHICKEN WING ON A STRING.

BABY NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF SHOES.

I'M IN.

SERGEANT STUPID IS SOUND ASLEEP.

AND I BELIEVE I'VE SPOTTED MY QUARRY.

DEPLOY COUNTERMEASURES.

AFFIRMATIVE. DEPLOYING COUNTERMEASURES.

LASER ACTIVATED TRIP WIRES, EH?

I'LL USE MY GRAPPLE BELT.

A FLYING FISH!

UH!

A BOWL THIS SIZE REALLY NEEDS A GUEST ROOM.

CAPTAIN, I'M DETECTING SOME STRANGE GARGLING NOISES.

THOSE ARE MY LUNGS.

BUT MY MISSION'S ACCOMPLISHED.

AND JUST LIKE THAT,

MY GRADE WENT FROM AN F-MINUS TO AN A-PLUS.

SEE, I JUST THOUGHT I'D--

STEAL MY GRADE BOOK!

AND FALSIFY OFFICIAL PROTECTORATE RECORDS!

WELL, IF YOU PUT IT THAT WAY...

WHY, DODGERS, I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD.

WHATCHU TALKIN' BOUT, WILLIS?

WHY, YOU'RE JUST THE KIND OF RESOURCEFUL, CUNNING,

AND INGENIOUS SPACE CAPTAIN THE PROTECTORATE NEEDS!

HERE'S YOUR DIPLOMA!

CONGRATULATIONS, CAPTAIN, YOU DID IT.

YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF.

I HOPE YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON

ABOUT THE BENEFITS OF A PROPER EDUCATION.

I TOLD HIM I DON'T NEED NO SCHOOL.