Original subtitles

FROZEN IN A TIME AND SPACE DIVIDE

BUT HOW WOULD THE UNIVERSE SURVIVE?

DUCK DODGERS OF THE 24th

AND ONE-HALF CENTURY

PROTECTING THE POWERLESS

AND THE WEAK

DUCK DODGERS

HE'S FIGHTING TYRANNY

IN THE 24th AND ONE-HALF CENTURY

IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR LATEST EXPERIMENT

WAS A SUCCESS, COMMANDER.

YES, YOUR MAJESTY.

MY TIME PORTAL IS WORKING FLAWLESSLY,

AND I'VE DETERMINED THE PIVOTAL EVENT IN DUCK DODGERS' LIFE.

IT OCCURRED WHILE DODGERS WAS A FOOTBALL PLAYER

AT BIG STATE UNIVERSITY.

A CHAMPIONSHIP VICTORY AS HIS TEAM'S QUARTERBACK

GALVANIZED HIM INTO BEING THE DODGERS WE KNOW TODAY.

I WILL SIMPLY TRAVEL BACK IN TIME,

PREVENT THIS EVENT FROM OCCURRING,

AND DUCK DODGERS WILL NEVER TROUBLE US AGAIN.

ARE YOU SURE DODGERS WON THAT CHAMPIONSHIP?

QUITE SURE.

YOU WERE WRONG WHEN YOU TOLD ME THAT DODGERS' MOTHER

INVENTED THE POST-IT NOTE.

LIQUID PAPER. WHATEVER!

THIS TIME, I CAN'T BE WRONG!

I GUARANTEE THAT DUCK DODGERS WON THAT GAME!

YOU WILL SEE THAT I AM CORRECT.

FAREWELL, MY QUEEN.

WHOA!

BY MY CALCULATIONS, THIS SHOULD BE THE PLACE.

HUH?

ARRRGH!

THAT'S THE WAY TO STOP HIM!

GRIND THE LITTLE SQUIRT INTO THE 50 YARD LINE!

DODGERS?!

ALL RIGHT, MEN, THE KEY TO VICTORY IS...

WATER!

WATER?

GUYS, REMEMBER TO KEEP YOUR INSIDES

WET AND HYDRATED.

Marvin: UM, EXCUSE ME,

BUT AREN'T YOU GOING TO JOIN YOUR MEN OUT ON THE FIELD?

NO, MY STRANGE LITTLE FRIEND.

MY PLACE IS HERE, ON THE SIDELINES.

BUT AREN'T YOU THE QUARTERBACK?

QUARTERBACK? HA!

I'M THE WATER BOY!

I'M HERE AT BIG STATE U. ON A WATER BOY SCHOLARSHIP.

A WATER BOY SCHOLARSHIP?

OH, YEAH! THEY PUT ME IN CHARGE OF IT ALL:

BOTTLED WATER, WELL WATER,

WATER BALLOONS, WATERMELON.

IS THAT IT? WATER IN THE KNEE...

DONE YET? UM, THERE'S ONE MORE.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

SELTZER WATER!

WELL, ISN'T THAT ORDINARY.

AH, A WATER HATER, HUH?

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT:

YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION OF BECOMING THE QUARTERBACK

AND LEADING YOUR TEAM TO VICTORY IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME?

I'M ALREADY LIVING THE DREAM, BABY!

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU'RE QUITE SURE.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

WOW. THOSE MASCOT OUTFITS GET UGLIER EVERY YEAR.

I SIMPLY CAN'T BE MISTAKEN ABOUT DODGERS WINNING THE GAME.

PERHAPS I ARRIVED ON EARTH TOO EARLY.

HMM.

GO DEEP, BIG GUY!

Marvin: I KNEW IT! IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!

DODGERS IS THROWING THE...

WATER BOTTLE?!

THANKS, WATER BOY!

I CAN'T IMAGINE A MORE REWARDING JOB.

THIS IS MOST IRKSOME.

PERHAPS I NEED TO HELP THIS SITUATION ALONG.

ARE YOU THE CURRENT QUARTERBACK AT BIG STATE UNIVERSITY?

YEAH.

I'M YOUR NEW AMERICAN HISTORY TUTOR.

YEAH.

AND THE BEST WAY TO LEARN

IS THROUGH FIRSTHAND EXPERIENCE.

YEAH.

SO PLEASE ENJOY THIS UP-CLOSE AND PERSONAL LESSON

ON THE BATTLE OF LITTLE BIGHORN.

GOOD-BYE.

THANK YOU.

WHOA. I CAN'T BELIEVE THE QUARTERBACK CHOSE THIS WEEK

TO GO TO MONTANA.

Man: YEAH! WHO'S GONNA LEAD US TO VICTORY IN THE BIG GAME?

POOR SLOBS. DON'T THEY REALIZE...

WATER IS THE ANSWER?

Marvin: OH, DODGERS?

I'VE SIGNED YOU UP FOR THE QUARTERBACK TRYOUTS.

HEY, ANYBODY HOME?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU: I'M THE WATER BOY!

I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THEM WHEN THEY SAID

YOU WEREN'T A WATER BOY...

YOU WERE A WATER BABY!

WATER BABY?!

DID THEY REALLY CALL ME A WATER BABY?

UM...SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT.

CUT TO THE QUICK! AND AFTER ALL I'VE DONE

FOR THOSE UNDERHYDRATED LADS!

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING FOR YOU TO DO.

YOU'RE RIGHT! I MUST...

RUN AWAY AND JOIN THE CIRCUS.

I WAS THINKING MORE LIKE, PROVING THEM WRONG.

YEAH, BUT THEN WHAT WOULD I DO WITH THIS RUBBER NOSE?

[HONK HONK] GIVE ME THAT!

YOU'RE NOT THE DUCK DODGERS I KNOW.

THE DUCK DODGERS I KNOW WOULDN'T SHRINK FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT!

WHY, HE'D JUMP AT THE CHANCE!

HE'D CHASE AN ENEMY ACROSS THE GALAXY,

AND JUST WHEN THAT ENEMY WAS ON THE VERGE OF VICTORY--

AND THE RESULTING PROMOTION--

THE DODGERS I KNOW WOULD SWOOP IN

AND RUIN THE WHOLE THING,

MAKING HIS ENEMY'S LIFE A COMPLETE AND MISERABLE FAILURE!

THAT'S THE DUCK DODGERS I KNOW!

I'LL DO IT!

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, HUDDLE UP!

WE'RE GONNA RUN A HALFBACK OPTION

WITH A FULLBACK HALF-TRACK!

LEFT FOOT GREEN! RIGHT HAND BLUE!

GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL! DO NOT PASS GO!

BREAK!

[CHEERING]

Dodgers: 6! 36! 9 TIMES THE SQUARE ROOT OF 11!

HIKE!

ARRRGH! ARRRGH!

OOH!

DID ANY OF YOU GUYS HEAR

A SICKENING POPPING SOUND?

Dodgers: THAT WAS MY SPLEEN!

SUPERSTAR COMING THROUGH!

MAKE WAY FOR...

GREATNESS?

WE'RE ALREADY BEHIND!

BUT I'M SURE THAT DODGERS IS THE WINNER.

I AM A WINNER!

I AM UNSTOPPABLE!

I AM IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN!

I'M POSITIVE THAT DODGERS LED HIS TEAM TO VICTORY.

I CAN'T BE WRONG!

WE NEED A TOUCHDOWN TO WIN,

AND ONLY 9 SECONDS TO GO!

TIME-OUT!

EXCUSE ME, BUDDY,

YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FACE.

[CRUNCH] THANK YOU.

DODGERS, GOOD!

I'VE EVALUATED OUR OPPONENTS' FORMATIONS--

I QUIT!

YOU CAN'T QUIT!

I'M A WATER BOY, NOT A QUARTERBACK.

I GUESS YOU WERE WRONG.

WRONG? I CAN'T BE WRONG!

THERE'S NO WORD IN THE MARTIAN LANGUAGE FOR "WRONG"!

HERE, TAKE THIS.

I WAS SAVING IT TO DESTROY YOU.

WHAT?! NEVER MIND.

JUST PUT IT ON, AND THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT.

OK. I HAVE NOTHING IF NOT STICK-TO-IT-IVENESS.

GOOD BOY! NOW GET BACK OUT THERE!

YOU WILL PROVE THAT I AM AN INFALLIBLE GENIUS!

HEH HEH! PLACING A BRAIN WAVE OVERRIDE RECEPTOR

ON DODGERS' HELMET

WILL ALLOW ME TO SEIZE CONTROL OF HIS BODY.

WITH THIS REMOTE CONTROL,

WRONG I WILL NOT BE!

15! 301! HUT, HUT, HIKE!

ARRRGH! ARRRGH!

LEAP AND EVADE!

IT'S WORKING!

SPINNING SIDE STEP COMBO!

HELLO, HEISMAN!

FINISHING MOVE: ROCKET'S RED GLARE!

[HORN SOUNDS, CHEERING]

YAHOO! I WAS RIGHT!

YAY, TEAM.

AH HA HA HA!

WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW, QUEENIE?

OH, UM, CONGRATULATIONS

ON WINNING THE BIG GAME, DODGERS.

WELL, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU, LITTLE CHUM.

YOU HAD IT INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME.

I JUST HELPED BRING IT OUT.

YEAH! I GUESS I DID!

WHY, I'LL BET I'M CAPABLE OF ALL SORTS OF OUTRAGEOUS HEROICS.

I'M SORRY, BUT MY JOB IS FINISHED HERE,

AND SO I MUST GO.

WILL I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN?

YOU JUST MAY, DODGERS.

YOU JUST MAY.

HEH HEH. DID YOU REALIZE THAT THE SOLE SURVIVOR

OF CUSTER'S BATTALION AT THE BATTLE OF LITTLE BIGHORN

WAS A HORSE NAMED COMANCHE?

GREETINGS, YOUR HIGHNESS!

I AM PROUD TO REPORT THAT I WAS RIGHT:

DUCK DODGERS DID BECOME THE HERO OF THE GAME!

SO YOU DIDN'T MANAGE TO STOP HIM?

STOP HIM? UM...

I'M AFRAID NOT.

[SIGH] OH, WELL.

DODGERS IS A WORTHY ADVERSARY.

WAIT A MINUTE! COMPUTER,

ENLARGE SECTION X-D 700 PERCENT.

THAT'S YOU! YOU'RE HELPING HIM!

YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT DODGERS WINNING THE GAME,

BUT HE ONLY SUCCEEDED BECAUSE YOU WERE THERE!

OH, FUDGE.

WELL, COMMANDER? SUCCESS?

OH, YES, YOUR MAJESTY.

YOUR EFFORTS SHALL NOT GO UNREWARDED.

BRING HIM IN!

I GIVE YOU...

DUCK DODGERS!

KNEEL BEFORE THE QUEEN, MONGREL.

OOF!

Queen: STOP THIS OUTRAGE!

HE IS YOUR FUTURE KING.

ANY IDEA WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT?

NONE. I'LL JUST PLAY ALONG.

FORGIVE ME, DEAREST. DID HE HURT YOU?

BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO HURT HIM!

REST ASSURED, MY LOVE, HE SHALL PAY.

GUARDS! SEIZE THE COMMANDER,

AND HAVE HIM AWAIT MY PUNISHMENT!

AND THIS DAY STARTED OUT SO PROMISING.

UH, CAN I GET A LITTLE MORE SKINNY ON THIS "KING OF MARS" GIG?

TIME AND AGAIN, AGAINST ALL ODDS,

YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF A WORTHY OPPONENT.

I HAVE, HAVEN'T I?

THEREFORE, I HAVE SELECTED YOU

AS MY IMPERIAL CONSORT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE SOME LOOKER...

FOR A CHICK WITHOUT A FACE.

YOU SHALL HAVE POWER, WEALTH, AND GLORY

BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.

OH, MY DARLING, OUR LOVE WILL BE ONE FOR THE AGES!

BUT...BEFORE WE WED,

YOU MUST FACE 3 MARTIAN TRIALS.

HA! I SPIT IN DANGER'S COLD, DEAD EYE, BABY!

BETTER BUZZ THE CADET.

THE LITTLE HAM HOCK'S PROBABLY WORRIED SICK.

NOT ON THE BRIDGE.

NOT IN THE EVAPORATOR.

[HUMMING]

YO, ROUND BOY!

AAAHH! GUESS WHAT!

WHAT, SIR?

I'M GOING BE...

KING OF MARS!

OK.

E-MAIL MY RESIGNATION TO OLD I.Q. HI,

BUT LET HIM DOWN EASY-- I'M HIS FAVORITE.

OK.

AND YOU CAN CANCEL THE RESCUE PARTY.

UH, RESCUE PARTY?

YOU KNOW, THE ONE FOR ME,

WHEN YOU REALIZED I WAS ABDUCTED BY MARTIANS,

LIKE AN HOUR AGO.

HA HA! RIGHT, THAT RESCUE PARTY.

THE WEDDING'S THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

DROP BY IF YOU'RE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I THINK WE'RE HAVING THEM BIG SHRIMPS FOR DINNER.

DODGERS OUT.

[KNOCK KNOCK]

COME IN!

IT WILL NO DOUBT GIVE YOU GREAT JOY TO KNOW

THAT I'VE BEEN DEMOTED

AND REASSIGNED AS YOUR PALACE SLAVE BOY.

WELL, I'M NOT ONE WHO DELIGHTS IN THE MISFORTUNE

OF A NOBLE ADVERSARY.

REALLY?

NO. HA HA HA!

GET SOME REST, MASTER.

YOUR TRIALS BEGIN AT DAWN.

Queen: WELCOME TO THE FIRST TRIAL:

THE TEST OF COMBAT.

I GIVE YOU... DUCK DODGERS!

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Man: LOSER!

MY POTENTIAL BELOVED MUST VANQUISH

THE MIGHTIEST BEAST ON MARS:

THE CYTOPS.

[ROARING]

[CHEERING]

FIGHT BRAVELY.

WHO? WHAT? WHERE? WHEN? AAAHH!

[ROARING]

COME ON, HOVER BOARD. HOVER, HOVER!

AAAHH!

TOO QUICK FOR YOU, EH, VIN DIESEL?

THIS CAN'T END WELL.

OH, GOODY!

I MEAN, HOW DREADFUL.

MAYBE WE CAN DISCUSS THIS LIKE RATIONAL BEINGS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT ME, PAL!

I'M MALNOURISHED! I'M--I'M--

SAY! DID YOU EVER NOTICE THE UNSIGHTLY

WAX BUILDUP IN YOUR EARS?

HUH? REALLY?

YOU MUST BE SO EMBARRASSED.

BUT I CAN HELP YOU OUT!

YEAH? SURE CAN, BRIGHT EYE!

JUST ONE SCRAPE WITH THIS

ELECTRO-SWABBY DOOHICKEY

WILL FIX YOU UP

AS EASY AS 1, 2, 3!

AAAHH!

[CROWD GASPS]

THE CYTOPS! IS HE--?

[PANTING]

I WIN, BABY! WHOO!

[MUTTERING]

AND WAIT, I THINK I HEAR A HEARTBEAT.

YEP, BLINKY'S GOING TO BE OK!

[CHEERING]

THE SPACE POETS WILL SING OF OUR UNION FOR ALL ETERNITY.

I GIVE IT A WEEK.

AND NOW, THE SECOND TRIAL:

THE TEST OF ENDURANCE.

YOU MUST MAKE YOUR WAY BACK TO THE PALACE

FROM THE HEART OF THE CRUEL MARTIAN DESERT.

FEAR NOT, MY HOT-BLOODED MARTIAN BEAUTY.

I SHALL NOT FAIL THEE.

COMMENCE EVAPORATION.

HOP TO, SLAVE BOY! MUSTN'T KEEP QUEENIE WAITING.

[SMACKING LIPS]

HEY, SLAVE BOY, GOT ANY WATER?

AH, FINALLY HIS THIRST HAS SET IN.

THIS WILL BE HIS UNDOING.

WATER! I SAID, DO WE HAVE ANY WATER?!

NO WATER, MASTER,

AND ALL THAT LIES BEFORE US IS ARID WASTELAND,

WHERE EVEN THE STRONGEST GO MAD WITH THIRST!

OH.

WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO EAT THESE BABIES DRY.

WHAT?!

OH, I JUST LOVE SALTY SNACKS

ON A ROAD TRIP-- WANT SOME?

NO! THEY'LL MAKE ME THIRSTY!

MORE FOR ME.

[CRUNCHING]

LET'S GO.

SURE YOU DON'T WANT ANY PRETZELS?

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PIG.

NO, THANKS!

I MEAN, I ATE ALL THE SALTINES,

AND THE PEANUTS, AND TWO BAGS OF THOSE FAKE ONION RINGS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME!

OH YEAH, AND THAT WHOLE BOX OF SALT.

THAT LITTLE GIRL WITH THE UMBRELLA--SHE'S SO CUTE!

SHE SURE IS.

AAH! WATER! WATER!

GOTTA HAVE WATER! AH HA HA HAAA!

IT'S HERE SOMEWHERE! GOTTA DIG, DIG, DIG!

THAT'S RIGHT... DARE TO DREAM, BABY.

DARE TO DREAM.

I DID IT!

I CAN HEAR THE LIFE-GIVING FLUIDS

GURGLING TO THE SURFACE!

AT LAST!

THANKS, S.B. NICE WORK.

MY HANDS ALWAYS GET SO STICKY WHEN I EAT SNACKS.

AND DON'T EVEN MENTION MY FEET.

GET YOUR STINKING, DISEASED FEET

OUT OF MY DRINKING...

WATER.

OOPS. EASY COME, EASY GO.

[BAWLING]

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

WHAT, THE HEAT? THIS IS NOTHING.

I'VE GOT A TIME-SHARE IN PALM SPRINGS.

OOOH!

[THUD]

LOOK!--

DUCK DODGERS HAS PASSED THE SECOND TRIAL!

HAKUNA MATATA!

LET US BEGIN THE THIRD AND FINAL TRIAL:

THE TEST OF LOGIC.

NOW, FOR OUR WEDDING RECEPTION,

DO YOU PREFER A LIVE BAND, 'CAUSE I'M A DEEJAY MAN MYSELF.

[IMITATES SCRATCHING]

Queen: IF THE EARTHLING CAN BEST THE SAGES OF MARS,

THEN HE IS TRULY FIT TO RULE BY MY SIDE.

RELEASE THE RITUALISTIC GASES.

WHAT'S WITH THE FOG MACHINE?

THE GASES CLEANSE BOTH MIND AND SPIRIT.

UGH. SMELLS LIKE SOMEBODY'S BURNING A DIAPER.

STEP FORWARD, DUCK DODGERS!

A KING MUST BE SMART AND CUNNING,

ABLE TO FACE UNKNOWN CIRCUMSTANCES

AND OUTWIT ADVERSARIES.

ARE YOU WORTHY, DODGERS?

HECK, YEAH, I'M WORTHY!

THEN, BEHOLD!

ONE OF THESE CARDS IS THE QUEEN OF HEARTS.

IF YOU CAN FIND THE QUEEN AFTER THE CARDS ARE SHUFFLED,

THEN YOU ARE INDEED NOBLE AND WORTHY.

LET 'ER RIP, SANDY CLAWS!

OK, FOLKS, HERE WE GO! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE,

AND EVERYONE WINS, AND EVERYONE'S A WINNER!

SHOW ME THE LUCKY LADY!

RIGHT HERE, CHIEF.

[GASP]

HE DID IT!

WHEW! HEH HEH!

I GUESS ALL THOSE YEARS I SPENT AS A TRANSIENT CARNIVAL WORKER

FINALLY PAID OFF.

LOYAL SUBJECTS, THE NEXT KING OF MARS,

DUCK DODGERS!

LET US RETIRE TO OUR SLEEPING CHAMBERS, MY SWEET,

FOR TOMORROW YOU MAKE ME THE...

THE HAPPIEST QUEEN IN THE UNIVERSE.

AW, STOP! YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK.

OH, SLAVE BOY!

WHERE'S MY LATE-NIGHT SNACK?

I GROW MORE FAMISHED BY THE SECOND!

YOUR GRAPES, MASTER.

PEEL THEM FOR ME.

I'LL PEEL YOUR...

ARRRGH!

I GIVE UP.

CONGRATULATIONS, DODGERS. YOU WIN.

I GUESS YOU DO DESERVE TO MARRY MY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN,

BE KING OF MARS,

AND RUN THE METHANE FARMS OF URANUS.

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY! KING! KING OF--

HEY! REWIND TO THAT PART ABOUT URANUS.

WHY, THE KING'S SOLE RESPONSIBILITY

IS TO OVERSEE THE METHANE FARMS.

IT'S AN ALL-CONSUMING, FULL-TIME JOB.

GIANT INDUSTRIAL REFINERIES CREATE PURE ENERGY

OUT OF ORDINARY FOUL-SMELLING ANIMAL WASTE.

[FARTING SOUNDS]

GIMME THAT THING!

I MEAN, WHY SHOULD I SETTLE DOWN NOW?

I HAVE MY WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME,

AND I HARDLY KNOW THIS GIRL!

G-GREETING, CAPTAIN.

HAPPY W-WEDDING DAY.

THE WEDDING'S OFF!

TH-THE BIG SHRIMP, TOO?

BIG SHRIMP, TOO.

LOCK ONTO MY SIGNAL AND EVAPORATE ME

OUT OF HERE IN TWO MINUTES.

YOU HAVE SERVED ME WELL, SLAVE BOY. NOW SCRAM.

AND IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE ONE THING LEFT TO DO.

WHO'S THERE?

IT'S OVER, BABYCAKES.

TOO BAD YOU WERE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO BELIEVE

THAT WE HAD SOMETHING HERE.

OH, MY DEAREST! WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN?

DON'T YOU "MY DEAREST" ME, SISTER!

I SET UP THIS WHOLE ADVENTURE

TO SWEET-TALK SECRETS OUT OF YOU

FOR THE GALACTIC PROTECTORATE.

BUT WE KIDNAPPED YOU.

THIS WHOLE ADVENTURE.

ADIOS, MUCHACHA!

WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS.

W-WELCOME BACK, CAPTAIN DODGERS.

AAAHH! GET US OUT OF HERE

BEFORE THEY SHIP ME OFF TO THE METHANE FARMS OF URANUS!

B-BUT URANUS DOESN'T HAVE ANY M-METHANE FARMS.

WHY, THAT UNTRUSTWORTHY, LOATHSOME,

LITTLE LYING LOWDOWN SNAKE!

HEH HEH! YOU MAY HAVE PASSED THE QUEEN'S TESTS, DODGERS,

BUT YOU FAILED MINE...

THE GULLIBILITY TEST!

HA HA HA!